Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Part III — “What If Spiders Start Coming Through the Whomping Willow’s Dick Hole?”
What better way to start Fun with Franchises than with the king of all franchises (that we haven’t done yet)? This is the highest grossing franchise of all time, and is without a doubt the main one I grew up with, so it made sense to start with it. Harry Potter is by far the one franchise that every single one of my friends and I could make jokes and references to and have everyone get those jokes and references. Plus it’s just great.
I had so much fun with the Disney films and later the Bond films, I thought, “Let’s just try this with everything else.” Essentially this is us just watching these movies that we can talk endlessly about because we grew up with them and just cracking jokes and asking all these logical questions. It’s all for fun and basically for parody. We do this because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the third part of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
We begin today after Harry hassa hassa’d a snake in front of everyone. And everybody knows you don’t hassa hassa in public.
“Motherfucker, we didn’t know you could talk to snakes.”
That shit looks bad – he’s the only person at the school who can talk to snakes and it looks like he was telling the snake to attack Justin. Plus Salazar Slytherin was a parselmouth. So now it looks like Harry is the heir of Slytherin.
What kind of heir gets put into a different house?
I should also point out that ‘Justin’ is the white boy the snake was pissed at. His full name is Justin Finch-Fletchley, and looking at that name and at him — tell me that kid doesn’t have a hedge fund job lined up through his parents the second he graduates this fucking school. That’s ‘douchebag finance bro’ to a tee.
“But I’m not!”
“Right?”
Anyway, study hall. Because why linger on actual important questions?
Colin:
“Hey, let’s stare at Harry Potter til he turns around and looks at us!”
“Okay!”
It’s a weird moment. If he were the heir of Slytherin, would you really be staring at him like that? I mean, you must all know the story. He has the power to have you killed, if he is what you suspect him of being. Maybe not look like you’re ostracizing him.
It’s hassa hassa time, people.
Colin:
Something I always had an issue with. Harry can understand snakes, but everyone else can still HEAR them. If Harry’s hearing a snake at a conversational tone, everyone else should be able to hear some obvious hissing sounds. Loud enough to be like, “Oh, so there’s a big ass snake in the wall.”
What does he think he is hearing? Especially now that it’s been established what snakes sound like? Does he think his heir-ness is unlocking or something?
I don’t get it. How do you un-petrify a ghost? Though, isn’t this the last time we see Nearly Headless Nick in the films? Maybe he’s double dead now. Maybe that basilisk did us a favor.
“This is gonna look bad, isn’t it?”
He always has the best-worst timing.
Seriously, Filch. Get some Raid up in this place. What kind of caretaker are you?
…the kind that spends his entire paycheck on luxuries for his cat. Answered my own question there.
Time to see the big man.
What a badass way to have people enter your office.
Colin:
Oh, I NEED me a staircase like that. Oh hell yeah. The huge bird looks like something from the Third Reich, but other than that, sweet.
I love that all his passwords are candy-related. Nice way to take your mind off the fact that he’s a sociopathic wizard who let a boy grow up just so he could be killed eventually.
I miss framing.
What a great office.
“You fucking hat.”
“Hey, it’s Boltface! What up, HP?”
So, if the hat is just chilling on this shelf at all times, that means it saw Dumbledore poison himself, didn’t it?
“Are you sure you put me in the right house?”
“Man, you call me at home and ask me difficult questions when I’m too high for that shit? Leave me the fuck alone.”
Colin:
The Sorting Hat makes a face like, “Oh, I’M wrong? I been doing this shit since forever, motherfucker. Read my pussy lips. YOU’RE wrong.”
Harry’s having a bad day.
But aww… a phoenix.
Maybe this day isn’t so bad after all.
That’s how you know you’re having a bad day.
Colin:
Extra crispy.
What up, motherfucker?
“I didn’t do it! It’s a frame job, I tells ya! What kind of a double cross is this?!”
If you watch enough old movies, you knew exactly what voice in which to read that last comment.
Is this how he lures all the young boys into his office? Makes them think they murdered his phoenix, then bam… right where he wants them.
Dumbledore explains that Fawkes is a phoenix and does that shit on the regular.
He burns himself and then is reborn from the ashes.
Just like Lana Turner.
Apparently this is the phoenix from whom Harry and Voldemort’s wands got their feathers. Because that’s how small this universe is.
Also, is it ever established how often he does this?
“Look — Albus — I don’t know what you think you know…”
“He’s a good kid!”
“Hagrid, stop doing your Harvey Keitel impersonation from Reservoir Dogs. I know Harry didn’t do anything.”
“Oh. Alright. I’ll just be leaving, then. I’m gonna go back to my hut. That’s thirty minutes away. I’ll be there in ten.”
Dumbledore asks Harry if there’s anything he wants to tell him.
“No, sir… nothing.”
“All right… all right…”
That’s two Larry David stares in one movie.
Christmas time.
These first two films are the only ones that really handle Christmas in any legitimate way. Which makes sense. I’m just making the observation.
These shots make me so happy. If I could find a way to make this happen in my room without removing the roof, I’d do it.
Hermione’s got shit all set with the Polyjuice potion.
Amazing how no one saw or smelled it over the past month when it was brewing in the girl’s bathroom. But smart of her to have it ready over break when people are gone.
Which… do the teachers leave too? Do they have families? You don’t really get the sense which of them are married. Most of them seem single. Weird how being a teacher at Hogwarts precludes marriage.
Also, side note — you think Hogwarts does tours for people? Like, during the end of April, during a specially designed weekend where all the parents show up and all the kids sit outside and do drugs? I know most people go to Hogwarts because it’s in the area of where they live, but do you think they give tours to people? For whatever reason? Are there tour guides? For some reason I got the idea of people giving a tour during winter break.
That would be funny, to see Malfoy walk up to a tour guide and punch them in the stomach. (Don’t worry about that. That one’s just for us. You don’t need to understand everything.)
They’re gonna drug Crabbe and Goyle and take their place.
Colin:
Those cupcakes look like they’re frosted with doo doo.
That’s a Steven Seagal toupee.
Hermione’s gonna be Milicent Bulstrode.
Colin:
Okay, that’s clearly not human hair, Hermione. I’m starting to rethink the assumption that you’re the smartest one around.
Well, if you’ve seen Milicent Bulstrode…
Wingardium Leviosa. Swish, flick and ice.
What also happens here is that Ron is going to do it, and Harry’s like, “No, no… let me do it.”
Colin:
This is on purpose. Ron NEVER steps up to do spells when someone else could do them instead, but the second his wand gets fucked up he’s first in line to do spells all the time.
What I’d like to have seen is Hermione breaking out the syringe and injecting those cupcakes with whatever she’s using to knock them out.
It’s kinda fucked up that you just assume them to be stereotypical fat fucks.
And that they are stereotypical fat fucks.
Why would you assume floating cupcakes are a good idea?
Colin:
They give each other the nod and go at them like they’re fucking two chicks next to each other.
“Aw, yeah, mine’s chocolate.”
You know these two are the Eiffel Tower type.
But what I don’t get — there doesn’t seem to be an end to food in the Great Hall. And from what we’ve seen in these movies so far — it’s almost exclusively dessert food. Do they really need to be walking out of there with armfuls of cupcakes when there’s gonna be more there in like, 12 hours? I get taking like, two or three with you back from the dining hall, because maybe you’re gonna get hungry later, or maybe you just want something to snack on because you’re gonna light up a fat one later and watch Planet Earth. But that many cupcakes just seems weird.
Most people who stock up on food from the dining hall are usually doing it because they’re not planning on going to eat the next day, or the next two days and are planning on locking themselves in their room and doing work all weekend. But one — these two are clearly not that type (Malfoy will back this up in a minute), and two — it’s fucking cupcakes. Unless this is meant to be the equivalent of actual food, since this is actually all we ever see them eat in most of these movies. I don’t get why you’d need that many cupcakes to tide you over until the morning when you’ve probably just gorged yourself on them for the past hour.
Polyjuice potion, the jungle juice of the wizarding world.
Harry Potter TV series idea: Using potion vials to mix drinks. Also, you know that’s the bathroom where they all experiment with drugs for the first time.
Pre-gaming!
I want to make a specific brew of jungle juice and call it Polyjuice potion.
There’s always that one person who has to go throw up early.
Everyone’s getting sick. And apparently that glass is never gonna get cleaned up. Weird how all of them specifically dropped it rather than just gently putting it down.
“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
Oh wait… wrong franchise.
“I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM A HUMAN BEING!”
“This is fucked UP!”
Hermione ain’t going. Weird that they don’t even question it and just go.
They go down to dungeons, only to get caught by Percy. But then Malfoy shows up. He asks Harry/Goyle why he’s wearing glasses (not once realizing they’re Harry’s). Harry/Goyle says for “reading.”
“I didn’t know you could read.”
Colin:
Best line delivery in the whole franchise.
The Slytherins have a nice ass dorm. It’s like when a school is primarily funded by their athletics, so the athletes have top of the line facilities and the philosophy department is taught out of a supply closet.
Notice how we never see the Hufflepuff dorm. They just sleep in the back of the greenhouse.
“What the fuck are you two doing? Sit down.”
Harry and Ron almost give themselves away a couple times as Draco makes cracks about the Weasleys and Dumbledore. But then Harry makes a joke at his own expense and Draco loosens up.
Colin:
This always amazes me. People in movies have anger management problems. How do you give yourself away? Am I the only person who can control what they say?
It’s weird. Not only do they have anger issues, but not once does Malfoy even entertain the notion that it’s not them, even though I’d be suspicious as shit the whole time.
Not to mention, they still sound like themselves and have to disguise their voices. I guess that makes Barty Crouch Jr. a master fucking impressionist.
Draco reveals he has no idea who’s behind the attacks.
I love how this is how their interactions go. Crabbe and Goyle are silent, Malfoy says whatever he wants, makes fun of gays and poor people, and then randomly moves onto the topic du jour.
He says his father told him it’s been 50 years since the Chamber has been opened, and a mudblood girl died last time.
Uh oh.
That was like fifteen minutes. Remember in later movies when Polyjuice potion lasts for like, six hours?
Though, I guess… first time out. And none of them have really proven to be particularly great at potions, so it tracks.
Time to go.
“Hermione, we got lots of shit to tell you about.”
“Ha ha, that bitch fucked up. It’s hilarious.”
Did you really not put your glasses on this entire time?
She got cat hair.
Colin:
The fuck is this Narnia shit? Or I guess she’s sorta like a Meowth.
If she doesn’t sound like a Jewish grandmother, it doesn’t count.
Also, it has to be done:
“We’re gonna be making pussy jokes for days.”
How good do these exteriors look?
While Hermione’s in the hospital – they find this:
Colin:
No, no, don’t turn off the water. Fuck the environment.
Myrtle’s been moaning again.
“Looks like Moaning Myrtle’s flooded the bathroom.”
Nice shot.
It’s funny that she’s 40.
Colin:
Isn’t she like 60? This stuff all happened so long ago. I guess Hagrid’s like 61 or so, too. That is, if the Chamber was actually opened 50 years ago.
No, the actress who played her. She was almost 40 when they made this. Which is somehow the weirder revelation than the fact that this ghost has been stuck in a bathroom for 50 years.
Somebody threw a book at her.
She didn’t see who. She was sitting in the shower stall, thinking about Harry.
Book.
Diary.
Voldemort:
It’s a journal!
Not too good with anagrams, are you?
Colin:
This used to be Ginny’s book. So I guess that makes it a whorecrux.
How come the wizarding world hasn’t come around to pens yet?
Also, in the extended version of this movie (the one most normally shown on TV now), there’s a beginning to this scene where a ghost is quietly reading a book at the table next to him and Harry turns to her and says, “Do you mind?” and then she annoyedly closes her book and wanders off. It’s weirdly funny but also just makes Harry look like a giant prick.
Seems pretty useless.
“My name is Harry Potter.”
Colin:
Let’s write in a strange book. I like to say what I’m writing out loud, how about you? I’m saying all of this out loud, even as I type it.
These articles are getting me in a lot of trouble with my neighbors.
Well at least he knows that much.
Also, let’s point out how dumb he is that he writes “Hello, my name is Harry Potter” into the fucking journal as the first thing. Wouldn’t most people just start doing their potions homework or whatever?
“What the fuck did Hedwig give me?”
Anyway – I get to let the screenshots do the talking for me right now:
(It’s like asking an older sibling about sex.)
Colin:
Shining, shimmering, splendid!
Was that the diary asking for permission, or…?
This is some Pagemaster shit.
Colin:
So Harry just got sucked into a book, but he’s totally going along with it cause it’s the wizarding world. He’s never done anything like this before, but it’s the wizarding world, so it must be routine, right? What if this was like Jumanji and he was stuck in that book for decades? He should have see that movie. Unless, oh, the Dursleys didn’t let him. That’s why he’s susceptible to shit like this.
Technically he was fifteen when that movie came out, so he did have a certain amount of freedom to see it. And, they were after the events of this film. Technically speaking, of course. We’re assuming a universe in which everything makes sense.
Colin:
Wasn’t it established that the movie timeline actually starts in the early 2000s? Book Harry would have been 15, movie Harry would’ve been six. But yes, it’s absurd to assume things make sense in this franchise. Rowling took whatever semblance of logic she had and shot it with a hollow-point years ago.
I love the coloring here. And the flicker, like it’s old film. Only problem though – there’s foreshadowing everywhere here. It’s weird how he doesn’t figure it out until he’s told.
Also interesting that they managed to keep that odd greenish tone throughout the rest of the movies. Normally when I think that green tone for Riddle flashbacks, I think Half-Blood Prince, but it’s funny that they kind of set it up here. (Though admittedly, this one’s more grayscale/sepia.)
And what’s with the pig statue?
Oh hey, young Jude Law. How goes the papacy?
(Funny that they cast Jude Law as young Dumbledore a few years after we wrote this.)
Anyway – flashback. Body.
Colin:
Who’s the Black guy? There were Black people back then? The wizarding community is a most tolerant place. You know, except for the slavery and the eugenics.
But honestly… who likes Eugenes?
Dumbledore. Looking like Tolstoy.
“Is there something you wish to tell me, Tom?”
“No sir, nothing.”
SIM-I-LAR-I-TIES!
Even the statue’s telling us what’s going on.
I’d also like to point out that the diary said June 13th. So… I’m guessing school is still in session at this time, right? Because colleges would be out by June 13th. Elementary through high school would probably still be in session, depending on the state. But, this is the U.K. So I’m assuming it’s normal for school to run through the end of June. At which point that date would make sense.
He just caught Hagrid masturbating.
“Aragog never killed no one!”
“You call your penis Aragog?”
“Yeah, because the women Aragog when they see it.”
Nonverbal spell. Which one is that, again? CapYoAssicus?
Looks like he’s spraying semi-automatic ammo everywhere.
Riddle tells Hagrid he’ll be expelled for this.
Dramatic as shit, right? You can make anything dramatic if it ends like that.
Unnecessarily complex shot!
They go from the sky all the way down to:
Hermione and Ron tell Harry it’s not Hagrid. There’s no way he’s the heir of Slytherin. He can barely read!
“Hey guys, what’s goin’ on?”
Awkwardness. Radcliffe makes a good awkward face.
Also, I see our first Ravenclaw! Deep in the background.
Just like a noir.
Also, good job, Hedwig. Way to just let that shit happen.
Was there no one else in this room at all?
Then, the Quidditch match gets cancelled, and Ma McGonagall comes and gets Ron and Harry. Because–
They found her like this outside the library, with a mirror in her hand.
Of course it was outside the library.
“I think I wanna fuck her again.”
Colin:
“I’ll tell you this – it’s pretty certain that unless this little shit is resolved, the school that’s been open for a thousand years will probably be shut down.”
Well jesus… that’s dark.
Colin:
Good luck selling the place in this market. Especially since nobody in the wizarding economy does anything.
Maggie.
They gotta talk to Hagrid. Harry knows how.
Is it me or does that hut look like a face?
That’s how I answer my door too.
Harry and Ron want to know what he knows.
Unfortunately someone comes before he can tell them.
It’s Dumbledore and Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic.
They’re gonna take Hagrid to Azkaban.
So, because he was expelled fifty years earlier (fun realization: Hagrid and Voldemort are almost 70), and may have been involved with the last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened (but was never openly convicted of or charged with anything), they’re gonna throw him in prison just in case. This is some fucked up Patriot Act shit.
Remember when we did this to the Japanese people? How is this okay? Ever, in any circumstance?
Apparently exemplary service and loyalty to the school mean nothing.
Oh, look who shows up.
Colin:
Patriot Act.
Lucius says it’s been decided that Dumbledore should step aside.
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
Dumbledore says he’ll step aside (why, exactly? Also, it’s great how he’ll step aside, but if they try to throw him in prison too — that’s when they have a problem). However –
“You will find that help will always be given at Hogwarts –”
“ – to those who ask for it.”
I see through invisibility cloaks, motherfucker.
This is the second best Dumbledore moment in the franchise.
“If anybody was looking for some stuff, then all they’d have to do would be to follow the spiders.”
Colin:
“Gee, Hagrid, that was an oddly placed hypothetical statement. Before we drag you off to prison, you mind telling us what the fuck you’re talking about? Ah, never mind. I’m sure it wasn’t meant as a hidden message for someone listening in on the conversation.”
The only solace is that you know Hagrid ain’t getting fucked in prison. Good luck with that one, fellas.
Even the Dementors won’t kiss him.
Follow the spiders. Ron don’t like spiders.
I love how Hagrid just lives with spiders. Most people would call that an infestation.
Does he even bathe?
Into the Dark Forest they go.
Also – aren’t Fudge and the rest of them like, fifty feet behind them? Does nobody see this?
Harry Potter TV series idea: Public Safety.
That’s a pretty wide open forest. Not exactly terrifying when you can see shit coming at you from all directions.
Pretty sure I said this in the last movie.
The problem with this, logically, is – how can they not step on spiders as they walk? People never think about this stuff when they do CGI.
Shelob’s lair.
It had to be said.
For those of you afraid of spiders… you knew what you were getting into.
It’s Aragog.
Do you think he also feasts on Hobbitses?
I think I just went limp as a bone fish.
Oh, yeah… he can talk, too. (No idea.)
Also, can we talk about how fucking creepy he looks? That’s not okay. I like that he’s clearly not CG and more of a practical creation, but, still — yucch.
Aragog says the thing in the Chamber is something spiders fear above all others. (Commitment?)
Aragog also says he can’t let them go. They don’t harm Hagrid, but everyone else is fair game.
There’s Rupert Grint, always with the measured, ‘actor’s reaction.
I’m still not entirely sure what the point of all this was. So, Hagrid was expelled because Myrtle was killed by the Basilisk and they just blamed it on the spider he illegally imported into the country. Apparently that got him expelled but not jailed and the spider ran into the Dark Forest and was just left there. So now, 50 years later, people are getting petrified and somehow everyone remembers this one Hagrid incident and is like, “Must be him!” So they just throw him in Azkaban and then also decide Dumbledore needs to go (though that one seems more like a Republican ploy to oust the rival from power even though they openly do way worse shit than he’s even suspected of doing), and then before they leave, Dumbledore says, “Don’t worry, just ask for help and you’ll be fine,” and Hagrid’s like, “Don’t worry, all your questions will be answered by the spiders.” And the spiders are like, “Yeah, the Chamber’s some wild shit. Anyway, we’re gonna eat you now.” Did I get all of it?
What happens with Fang the rest of the movie? You never see him after this and Hagrid’s being Gitmo’d for the rest of the movie. Someone’s gotta be caring for him, right?
Well… you’re fucked.
Colin:
I could fucks wit spiders, but I can’t fucks wit dat many spiders. Dats too many an dey all big n shit.
Also, this situation can be entirely traced back to Hagrid. Aragog came from far away in the pocket of a traveler. So here’s this foreign species being introduced to this forest (lord knows how he can breed. Can’t only female spiders lay eggs? Or maybe he’s fucking with the female spiders of the forest, and that’s why all his children aren’t his size), which must completely fuck with the ecosystem equilibrium. They also have carved out a section of the forest for themselves and feast on whatever the fuck they want. So part of the danger of this forest can be directly traced back to Hagrid. Since once he’s dead (and once Aragog’s dead), they’re just spiders who will kill anything.
No one talks about that much.
Colin:
I just checked up on this and yes. They’re native to Southeast Asia, particularly Borneo. What’s worse? These are all young Acromantula, which is the species’ name, because Hagrid found a female at some point and sent her into the forest to mate with Aragog. So these are all going to be Aragog’s size at some point. Hagrid, you done fucked up.
It’s the car.
Colin:
Fuck you all. Cars save the day. You wouldn’t be shit without cars.
Wonder if there’s gonna be another car for it to mate with, because apparently we’re just completely destroying ecosystems left and right here.
What are the magical emissions on an enchanted Ford Angila?
It’s gone native!
Colin:
Oh no! What if spiders start coming through the Whomping Willow’s dick hole?
And other short stories by Roald Dahl.
Why does this car feel any loyalty toward them whatsoever?
Or maybe it just really fucking hates those spiders.
This feels like it’s a scene in every 80s teen comedy.
Weird how we never see any of the other dangers in this forest unless they’re relevant to the scene.
This is why you always carry something to stab a motherfucker if necessary.
Do spells work on insects? I guess so. It makes sense. It’s just weird.
I like how the car can fly but instead chooses to drive around this one forest all the time.
I kinda want to know what the deal is with this car. Apparently it has thoughts and feelings. So I want to know what they are. We also never see or hear from this car again. So I guess we’re to assume either the enchantment wore off or it died or something happened. Something took it down. No clue.
Well, that was fucked up.
I also like that they took Hagrid to prison and just left fires and everything else on in his hut.
The dick hole is still there. You’d think other pieces would’ve broken off by now, but no.
Colin:
I’d like to point out — that car is a Ford Anglia. FORD. American car. So you’re welcome, world, I guess is what we’re saying. America saved the wizarding world’s savior from being eaten by spiders.
Do we ever see this car again? What becomes of it? Might have been useful during the Battle of Hogwarts.
Might have been nice if Fenrir Greyback could have gotten run the fuck over at some point.
All they found out from that is that Hagrid is innocent.
Colin:
Yes, we’re positive Hagrid was innocent. Let’s trust the monster that tried to eat us. Sounds like a good plan.
He’s already listening to a diary, so who knows what’s true anymore.
This shot looks like the color I picture Deathly Hallows as being.
I was gonna make a ‘my father went the same way’ joke, but… he might have.
“Wait a minute… what’s this Deux ex Machina Hermione was carrying in her hand?”
It’s a basilisk. A giant snake that kills everyone who looks at it. That’s why Harry can hear it speak. That’s why nobody’s dead. Mrs. Norris saw it through a puddle of water, Colin Creevey saw it through the camera lens, finance bro saw it through Nearly Headless Nick, and Hermione had the mirror, because she figured it out. And it’s been getting around through the pipes.
Colin:
Hermione wrote “pipes” on the piece of paper like she needed that note to remember. Right, cause Hermione’s known to have a bad memory.
“Remember what Aragog said, about that girl, fifty years ago? She died in a bathroom.”
“What if she never left?”
It’s Moaning Myrtle.
Oh, and then they just happen to overhear this.
A student has been taken into the Chamber.
And apparently they really are bad at finding stuff in this school, because those two motherfuckers aren’t even hiding the fact that they’re listening in.
“Hey guys, what did I miss?”
“Well, your time has come. Didn’t you say you know exactly where the Chamber is?”
“Well then – you can handle it. You are, after all, a legend.”
I love her.
I love this moment. He pauses for like three seconds, then, “… Very well!”
I love Kenneth Branagh.
“Who has the monster taken?”
(Too easy. Not gonna do it.)
“Ginny Weasley.”
(Still not gonna do it.)
“My sister!”
“My wife!”
Also – amazing how she knew EXACTLY who it was so soon after it happened.
Colin:
So…I don’t have a younger sister (or any sister) so I wouldn’t know, but…does an older brother actually care about his younger sister?
I’m supposed to have an answer for this, aren’t I?
How much blood do you think it takes to write something like that on the wall?
Colin:
Of Ginny’s? Two days.
The weird thing is, did they make her write that and then abduct her?
“Let’s tell Lockhart what we know!”
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“I’m fleeing!”
“Motherfucker, YOU’RE the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!”
“You didn’t do shit, did you?”
Nope. But Lockhart says he can do memory charms, though, to keep the people he steals from quiet.
“Nuh uh, bitch.”
Nice suit.
Scratching the turntables.
Now THERE’S a shot!
“Hi, Harry.”
“Was just thinking about you.”
“I need you to tell us something.”
“Oh, let me show you–”
“No, not that. How you died.”
“Oh.”
It was the basilisk, in the girl’s bathroom, by the sink, with the death stare.
I had lead pipe.
And so does Harry.
Well, you found it. You’d think people would have caught onto this. Weird that Dumbledore can see through something Death can’t see through but can’t find a fucking snake carved into a sink.
Colin:
Also, Marauder’s Map? I know Fred and George still have it, but doesn’t it show everything? Or just what the four ‘cartographers’ were able to find? If that’s the case, did they spend all their time at Hogwarts just finding hidden passages? Tapping statues randomly with their wands?
Plus, Ginny is obviously gonna show up on that thing. So… yeah. It’s weird how much we ignore the logic of shit just because we haven’t been introduced to it yet.
I guess they don’t care about their sister.
Also you realize this implies that absolutely nobody in this school has talked to Myrtle in 50 years.
“Speak friend and enter.”
Oh, wait… wrong franchise.
“Hassa hassa.”
This.
See, I can buy if maybe someone knew where it was but didn’t know how to get in. Because there aren’t that many parselmouths out there. But this shit is really just a slight step above the ease of the first movie.
Colin:
Are we to assume that the original Hogwarts had indoor plumbing and running water in the bathrooms, complete with taps? Sorry, no. I’ve read up on medieval architecture and this wouldn’t be realistic for 982. Salazar Slytherin wouldn’t have been able to make an entrance to the Chamber in a bathroom that didn’t exist when Hogwarts was built. Also, wouldn’t Slytherin have an heir every generation since he passed away? Isn’t that how heirs work?
I’m more practical than this. Wouldn’t people have heard the fucking construction happening? Haven’t you been woken up at 7 am by some assholes sawing and hammering nails and shit? Fuck, I get woken up by people mowing lawns. How do people not hear construction taking place? The school’s not that big.
But yeah, also the toilets thing.
Also weird to have a chamber that requires you to tally ho into it. Maybe build some stairs or something.
Did they just assume when they built this the water was just going underneath the school into a tunnel? Why would you leave this giant hole there that’s only covered by a single metal grate?
“You first.”
But it’ll fuck up the threads.
Tally ho!
“If you die down there, you’re welcome to share my toilet.”
And away we go.
And this is where we’ll END PART III.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part IV, and talking diaries, big ass snakes and me going way off the deep end. Seriously, if you thought you knew what was coming in the next part, you have no idea.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)
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