Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Part III — “It Used To Be Ginny’s Book, So I Guess That Makes It A Whorecrux”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Part III.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the third part of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
We begin today after Harry hassa hassa’d a snake in front of everyone.
“Motherfucker, we didn’t know you could talk to snakes.”
They explain to Harry that it looks bad – he’s the only person at the school who can talk to snakes and it looks like he was telling the snake to attack Justin. Plus Salazar Slytherin was a parselmouth. So now it looks like Harry is the heir of Slytherin.
What kind of heir gets put into a different house?
“But I’m not!”
Anyway, study hall.
“Hey, let’s stare at Harry Potter til he turns around and looks at us!”
It’s a weird moment. If he were the heir of Slytherin, would you really be staring at him like that? I mean, you must all know the story. He has the power to have you killed, if he is what you suspect him of being. Maybe not look like you’re ostracizing him.
It’s hassa hassa time, people.
Something I always had an issue with. Harry can understand snakes, but everyone else can still HEAR them. If Harry’s hearing a snake at a conversational tone, everyone else should be able to hear some obvious hissing sounds. Loud enough to be like, “Oh, so there’s a big ass snake in the wall.”
I don’t get it. How do you un-petrify a ghost?
Though, isn’t this the last time we see Nearly Headless Nick in the films? Maybe he’s double dead now. Maybe that basilisk did us a favor.
“This is gonna look bad, isn’t it?”
He always has the best worst timing.
Seriously, Filch. Get some Raid up in this place. What kind of caretaker are you?
The kind that spends his entire paycheck on luxuries for his cat. Answered my own question there.
Time to see the big man.
Oh, I NEED me a staircase like that. Oh hell yeah. The huge bird looks like something from the Third Reich, but other than that, sweet.
I love that all his passwords are candy-related. Nice way to take your mind off the fact that he’s a sociopathic wizard who let a boy grow up just so he could be killed eventually.
I miss framing.
What a great office.
“You fucking hat.”
“Hey, it’s Boltface! What up, HP?”
“Are you sure you put me in the right house?”
“Man, you call me at home and ask me difficult questions when I’m high for that shit? Leave me the fuck alone.”
The Sorting Hat makes a face like, “Oh, I’M wrong? I been doing this shit since forever, motherfucker. Read my pussy lips. YOU’RE wrong.”
Harry’s having a bad day.
Aww… a phoenix.
Maybe this day isn’t so bad after all.
That’s how you know you’re having a bad day.
Just gonna stand there and watch him burn.
What up, motherfucker?
“I didn’t do it! It’s a frame job, I tells ya! What kind of double cross is this?!”
If you watch enough old movies, you knew exactly what voice in which to read that last comment.
Dumbledore explains that Fawkes is a phoenix and does that shit.
He burns himself and then is reborn from the ashes.
Just like Lana Turner.
“Look — Albus — I don’t know what you think you know…”
“He’s a good kid!”
“Hagrid, stop doing your Harvey Keitel impersonation from Reservoir Dogs. I know Harry didn’t do anything.”
“Oh. All right, then. I’ll just be leaving, then. I’m gonna go back to my hut. That’s thirty minutes away. I’ll be there in ten.”
Dumbledore asks Harry if there’s anything he wants to tell him.
“No, sir… nothing.”
“All right… all right…”
(Also, I hope you appreciate what I just did with those screenshots in the last scene, because it was fucking hilarious.)
These shots make me so happy. If I could have found a way to make this happen in my room, I’d have done it.
Hermione’s got shit all set with the Polyjuice potion.
Amazing how no one saw or smelled it over the past month when it was brewing in the girl’s bathroom. But smart of her to have it ready over break when people are gone.
Which… do the teachers leave too? Do they have families? You don’t really get the sense which of them are married. Most of them seem single. Weird how being a teacher at Hogwarts precludes marriage.
Also, side note — you think Hogwarts does tours for people? Like, during the end of April, during a specially designed weekend where all the parents show up and all the kids sit outside and do drugs? I know most people go to Hogwarts because it’s in the area of where they live, but do you think they give tours to people? For whatever reason? Are there tour guides?
For some reason I got the idea of people giving a tour during winter break.
That would be funny, to see Malfoy walk up to a tour guide and punch them in the stomach. (Don’t worry about that. That one’s just for us. You don’t need to understand everything.)
They’re gonna drug Crabbe and Goyle and take their place.
Those cupcakes look like they’re frosted with doo doo.
That’s what a really bad toupee looks like on most people.
Hermione’s gonna be Milicent Bulstrode.
Okay, that’s clearly not human hair, Hermione. I’m starting to rethink the assumption that you’re the smartest one around.
Well, if you’ve seen Milicent Bulstrode…
Wingardium Leviosa’d that bitch.
What also happens here is that Ron is going to do it, and Harry’s like, “No, no… let me do it.”
This is on purpose. Ron NEVER steps up to do spells when someone else could do them instead, but the second his wand gets fucked up he’s first in line to do spells all the time.
What I’d like to have seen is Hermione breaking out the syringe and injecting those cupcakes with whatever she’s using to knock them out.
This is some House level shit, Hermione.
It’s kinda fucked up that you just assume them to be stereotypical fat fucks.
And that they are stereotypical fat fucks.
Why would you assume floating cupcakes are a good idea?
They give each other the nod and go at them like they’re fucking two chicks next to each other.
“Aw, yeah, mine’s chocolate.”
You know these two are the Eiffel Tower type.
But what I don’t get — there doesn’t seem to be an end to food in the Great Hall. And from what we’ve seen in these movies so far — it’s almost exclusively dessert food. Do they really need to be walking out of there with armfuls of cupcakes when there’s gonna be more there in like, 12 hours? I get taking like, two or three with you back from the dining hall, because maybe you’re gonna get hungry later, or maybe you just want something to snack on because you’re gonna light up a fat one later and watch Planet Earth. But that many cupcakes just seems weird.
Most people who stock up on food from the dining hall are usually doing it because they’re not planning on going to eat the next day, or the next two days and are planning on locking themselves in their room and doing work all weekend. (I refer to these people as “idiots.”) But one — these two are clearly not that type (Malfoy will back this up in a minute), and two — it’s fucking cupcakes. Unless this is meant to be the equivalent of actual food, since this is actually all we ever see them eat in most of these movies. I don’t get why you’d need that many cupcakes to tide you over until the morning when you’ve probably just gorged yourself on them for the past hour.
Unless you were watching The Lion King or The Parent Trap in there, so maybe you were there for almost two hours.
Man… those were the days. Those Friday lunches.
Polyjuice potion, the jungle juice of the wizarding world.
Harry Potter TV series idea: Using potion vials to mix drinks. Also, you know that’s the bathroom where they all experiment with drugs for the first time.
I want to make a specific brew of jungle juice and call it Polyjuice potion.
Ron is the Max of the group, I guess. (Only like five people got that, and those five thought it was hilarious.)
Everyone’s getting sick. Dude should have used my jungle juice recipe.
That stuff is like the box cutter of alcohol — it fucks you up before you realize it, and by then it’s too late.
“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
“I AM NOT AN ANIMAL! I AM A HUMAN BEING!”
“This is fucked UP!”
Hermione ain’t going. Weird that they don’t even question it and just go.
They go down to dungeons, only to get caught by Percy. But then Malfoy shows up. He asks Harry/Goyle why he’s wearing glasses (not once realizing they’re Harry’s). Harry/Goyle says for “reading.”
“I didn’t know you could read.”
Best line delivery in the whole franchise.
The Slytherins have a nice ass dorm. It’s like when a school is primarily funded by their athletics, so the athletes have top of the line facilities and the philosophy department is taught out of a supply closet.
Notice how we never see the Hufflepuff dorm. They just sleep in the back of the greenhouse.
“What the fuck are you two doing? Sit down.”
Harry and Ron almost give themselves away a couple times as Draco makes cracks about the Weasleys and Dumbledore. But then Harry makes a joke at his own expense and Draco loosens up.
This always amazes me. People in movies have anger management problems. How do you give yourself away? Am I the only person who can control what they say? Fucking Limeys.
It’s weird. Not only do they have anger issues, but not once does Malfoy even entertain the notion that it’s not them, even though I’d be suspicious as shit the whole time.
Also, they still sound like themselves and have to disguise their voices. I guess that makes Barty Crouch Jr. a master fucking impressionist.
Draco reveals he has no idea who’s behind the attacks.
I love how this is how their interactions go. Crabbe and Goyle are silent, Malfoy says whatever he wants, makes fun of the gays and poor people, and then randomly moves onto the topic du jour.
He says his father told him it’s been 50 years since the Chamber has been opened, and a mudblood girl died last time.
That was like fifteen minutes. Remember in later movies when Polyjuice potion lasts for like, six hours?
Time to go.
“Hermione, we got lots of shit to tell you about.”
“Ha ha, that bitch fucked up. It’s hilarious.”
She got cat hair.
The fuck is this Narnia shit? Or I guess she’s sorta like a Meowth.
If she doesn’t sound like a Jewish gangster, it doesn’t count.
“We’re gonna be making pussy jokes for days.”
And while she’s in the hospital – they find this:
No, no, don’t turn off the water. Fuck the environment.
Myrtle’s been moaning again.
“Looks like Moaning Myrtle’s flooded the bathroom.”
It’s funny that she’s 40.
Isn’t she like 60? This stuff all happened so long ago. I guess Hagrid’s like 61 or so, too. That is, if the Chamber was actually opened 50 years ago.
No, the actress who played her. She was almost 40 when they made this.
Somebody threw a book at her.
She didn’t see who. She was sitting in the shower stall, thinking about Harry.
It’s a journal!
Not too good with anagrams, are you?
This used to be Ginny’s book. So I guess that makes it a whorecrux.
How come the wizarding world hasn’t come around to pens yet?
Seems pretty useless.
“My name is Harry Potter.”
– – – – –
♫ “And mine’s Javert! Do not forget my name!” ♫
I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.
You people have NO idea what you’re in for with these articles. You haven’t even begun to seen me go off on my weird ass tangents yet.
Anyway, back to the movie:
Let’s write in a strange book. I like to say what I’m writing out loud, how about you? I’m saying all of this out loud, even as I type it.
These articles are getting me in a lot of trouble with my neighbors.
Well at least he knows that much.
Also, let’s point out how dumb he is that he writes “Hello, my name is Harry Potter” into the fucking journal as the first thing. Wouldn’t most people just start doing their potions homework or whatever?
“What the fuck did Hedwig give me?”
Anyway – I get to let the screenshots do the talking for me right now:
(It’s like asking an older sibling about sex.)
Shining, shimmering, splendid!
Was that the diary asking for permission, or…?
This is some Pagemaster shit.
So Harry just got sucked into a book, but he’s totally going along with it cause it’s the wizarding world. He’s never done anything like this before, but it’s the wizarding world, so it must be routine, right? What if this was like Jumanji and he was stuck in that book for decades? He should have see that movie. Unless, oh, the Dursleys didn’t let him. That’s why he’s susceptible to shit like this.
Technically he was fifteen when that movie came out, so he did have a certain amount of freedom to see it. And, they were after the events of this film. Technically speaking, of course. We’re assuming a universe in which everything makes sense.
Wasn’t it established that the movie timeline actually starts in the early 2000s? Book Harry would have been 15, movie Harry would’ve been six. But yes, it’s absurd to assume things make sense in this franchise. Rowling took whatever semblance of logic she had and shot it with a hollow-point years ago.
I love the coloring here. And the flicker, like it’s old film. Only problem though – there’s foreshadowing everywhere here. It’s weird how he doesn’t figure it out until he’s told.
Also interesting that they managed to keep that odd greenish tone throughout the rest of the movies. Normally when I think that green tone for Riddle flashbacks, I think Half-Blood Prince, but it’s funny that they kind of set it up here. (Though admittedly, this one’s more grayscale/sepia.)
And what’s with the pig statue?
Oh hey, young Jude Law. How goes the papacy?
Anyway – flashback. Body.
Who’s the black guy? There were black people back then? The wizarding community is a most tolerant place. You know, except for the slavery and the eugenics.
But honestly… who likes Eugenes?
Dumbledore. Looking like Tolstoy.
“Is there something you wish to tell me, Tom?”
“No sir, nothing.”
Even the statue’s telling us what’s going on.
He just caught Hagrid masturbating.
“Aragog never killed no one!”
“You call your penis Aragog?”
“Yeah, because the women Aragog when they see it.”
Which one is that, again? CapYoAssicus?
Riddle tells Hagrid he’ll be expelled for this.
Dramatic as shit, right?
You can make anything dramatic if it ends like that.
They go from the sky all the way down to:
Hermione and Ron tell Harry it’s not Hagrid. There’s no way he’s the heir of Slytherin. He can barely read!
“Hey guys, what’s goin’ on?”
Radcliffe makes a good awkward face.
(Also, I see our first Ravenclaw mention!)
Just like a noir.
(Also, good job, Hedwig. Way to just let that shit happen.)
Then, the Quidditch match gets cancelled, and Ma McGonagall comes and gets Ron and Harry.
They found her like this outside the library, with a mirror in her hand.
(Of course it was outside the library.)
“I think I wanna fuck her again.”
“I’ll tell you this – it’s pretty certain that unless this little shit is resolved, the school that’s been open for a thousand years will probably be shut down.”
Well jesus… that’s dark.
Good luck selling the place in this market. Especially since nobody in the wizarding economy does anything.
They gotta talk to Hagrid. Harry knows how.
That’s how I answer my door too.
Harry and Ron want to know what he knows. Unfortunately someone comes before he can tell them.
It’s Dumbledore and Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic.
They’re gonna take Hagrid to Azkaban.
So, because he was expelled fifty years earlier (fun realization: Hagrid and Voldemort are almost 70), and may have been involved with the last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened (but was never openly convicted of or charged with anything), they’re gonna throw him in prison just in case.
This is some fucked up Patriot Act shit.
Remember when we did this to the Japanese people? How is this okay?
Oh, look who shows up.
Lucius says it’s been decided that Dumbledore should step aside.
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
Dumbledore says he’ll step aside (why, exactly? Also, it’s great how he’ll step aside, but if they try to throw him in prison too — that’s when they have a problem). However –
“You will find that help will always be given at Hogwarts –”
“ – to those who ask for it.”
– – – – –
This is the second best Dumbledore moment in the franchise.
“If anybody was looking for some stuff, then all they’d have to do would be to follow the spiders.”
“Gee, Hagrid, that was an oddly placed hypothetical statement. Before we drag you off to prison, you mind telling us what the fuck you’re talking about? Ah, never mind. I’m sure it wasn’t meant as a hidden message for someone listening in on the conversation.”
The only solace is that you know Hagrid ain’t getting fucked in prison. Good luck with that one, fellas.
Even the dementors won’t kiss him.
Follow the spiders. Ron don’t like spiders.
Most people would call that an infestation.
I love how Hagrid just lives with spiders.
Does he even bathe?
Into the Dark Forest they go.
Also – aren’t Fudge and the rest of them like, fifty feet behind them? Does nobody see this?
Harry Potter TV series idea: Public Safety.
That’s a pretty wide open forest. Not exactly terrifying when you can see shit coming at you from all directions.
The problem with this, logically, is – how can they not step on spiders as they walk? People never think about this stuff with CG.
It had to be said.
For those of you afraid of spiders… you knew what you were getting into.
Do you think he also feasts on Hobbitses?
(I think I just went limp as a bone fish.)
Oh, yeah… he can talk, too. (No idea.)
Also, can we talk about how fucking creepy he looks? That’s not okay. I like that he’s clearly not CG, but, still — yucch.
Aragog says the thing in the Chamber is something spiders fear above all others. (Malaysians?)
Aragog also says he can’t let them go. They don’t harm Hagrid, but everyone else is fair game.
Well… you’re fucked.
I could fucks wit spiders, but I can’t fucks wit dat many spiders. Dats too many an dey all big n shit.
Also, this situation can be entirely traced back to Hagrid. Aragog came from far away in the pocket of a traveler. So here’s this foreign species being introduced to this forest (lord knows how he can breed. Can’t only female spiders lay eggs? Or maybe he’s fucking with the female spiders of the forest, and that’s why all his children aren’t his size), which must completely fuck with the ecosystem equilibrium. They also have carved out a section of the forest for themselves and feast on whatever the fuck they want. So part of the danger of this forest can be directly traced back to Hagrid. Since once he’s dead (and once Aragog’s dead), they’re just spiders who will kill anything.
No one talks about that much.
I just checked up on this and yes. They’re native to Southeast Asia, particularly Borneo. What’s worse? These are all young Acromantula, which is the species’ name, because Hagrid found a female at some point and sent her into the forest to mate with Aragog. So these are all going to be Aragog’s size at some point. Hagrid, you done fucked up.
It’s the car!
Fuck you all. Cars save the day. You wouldn’t be shit without cars.
It’s gone native!
Oh no! What if spiders start coming through the Whomping Willow’s dick hole?
And other short stories by Roald Dahl.
Do spells work on insects? I guess so. It makes sense. It’s just weird.
Well, that was fucked up.
The dick hole is still there.
I’d like to point out — that car is a Ford Anglia. FORD. American car. So you’re welcome, world, I guess is what we’re saying. America saved the wizarding world’s savior from being eaten by spiders.
Do we ever see this car again? What becomes of it? Might have been useful during the Battle of Hogwarts.
All they found out from that is that Hagrid is innocent.
Yes, we’re positive Hagrid was innocent. Let’s trust the monster that tried to eat us. Sounds like a good plan.
He’s already listening to a diary, so who knows what’s true anymore.
This shot looks like the color I picture Deathly Hallows.
(Note: I assign colors to things when I think about them. It’s just something I do. When a movie comes into my head, I’m picturing it as that color. It’s like a weird form of synesthesia but with movies instead of letters and numbers. Just… thought you all should know.)
“You want the mouth this time?”
She looks like she’s in position to give a Tallahassee handshake.
“Wait a minute… what’s this Deux ex Machina Hermione was carrying in her hand?”
It’s a basilisk. A giant snake that kills everyone who looks at it. That’s why Harry can hear it speak. That’s why nobody’s dead. Mrs. Norris saw it through a puddle of water, Colin Creevey saw it through the camera lens, the mudblood dude saw it through Nearly Headless Nick, and Hermione had the mirror, because she figured it out. And it’s been getting around through the pipes.
Hermione wrote “pipes” on the piece of paper like she needed that note to remember. Right, cause Hermione’s known to have a bad memory.
“Remember what Aragog said, about that girl, fifty years ago? She died in a bathroom.”
“What if she never left?”
It’s Moaning Myrtle.
Oh, and then they hear this.
A student has been taken into the Chamber.
(A lot of people are gonna enter that Chamber in a few years.)
“Hey guys, what did I miss?”
“Well, your time has come. Didn’t you say you know exactly where the Chamber is?”
“Well then – you can handle it. You are, after all, a legend.”
I love her.
I love this moment. He pauses for like three seconds, then, “… Very well!”
I love Kenneth Branagh.
“Who has the monster taken?”
(Too easy. Not gonna do it.)
(Also – amazing how she knew EXACTLY who it was so soon after it happened.)
So…I don’t have a younger sister (or any sister) so I wouldn’t know, but…does an older brother actually care about his younger sister?
I’m supposed to have an answer for this, aren’t I?
How much blood do you think it takes to write something like that on the wall?
Of Ginny’s? Two days.
“Let’s tell Lockhart what we know!”
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“Motherfucker, YOU’RE the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!”
“You didn’t do shit, did you?”
Nope. But Lockhart says he can do memory charms, though, to keep the people he steals from quiet.
“Nuh uh, bitch.”
Scratching the turntables.
Now THERE’S a shot!
“Was just thinking ’bout you.”
“I need you to tell us something.”
“Oh, let me show you–”
“No, not that. How you died.”
It was the basilisk, in the girl’s bathroom, by the sink, with the death stare.
I had lead pipe.
Well, you found it. You’d think people would have caught onto this. Weird that Dumbledore can see through something Death can’t see through but can’t find a fucking snake carved into a sink.
Also, Marauder’s Map? I know Fred and George still have it, but doesn’t it show everything? Or just what the four ‘cartographers’ were able to find? If that’s the case, did they spend all their time at Hogwarts just finding hidden passages? Tapping statues randomly with their wands?
Plus, Ginny is obviously gonna show up on that thing. So… yeah. It’s weird how much we ignore the logic of shit just because we haven’t been introduced to it yet.
I guess they don’t care about their sister.
“Speak friend and enter.”
Oh, wait… wrong franchise.
Are we to assume that the original Hogwarts had indoor plumbing and running water in the bathrooms, complete with taps? Sorry, no. I’ve read up on medieval architecture and this wouldn’t be realistic for 982. Salazar Slytherin wouldn’t have been able to make an entrance to the Chamber in a bathroom that didn’t exist when Hogwarts was built. Also, wouldn’t Slytherin have an heir every generation since he passed away? Isn’t that how heirs work?
I’m more practical than this. Wouldn’t people have heard the fucking construction happening? Haven’t you been woken up at 7 am by some assholes sawing and hammering nails and shit? Fuck, I get woken up by people mowing lawns. How do people not hear construction taking place? The school’s not that big.
But yeah, also the toilets thing.
“If you die down there, you’re welcome to share my toilet.”
Oh, I bet he is, you dirty bitch.
And away we go.
And this is where we’ll END PART III.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part IV, and talking diaries, big ass snakes and me going way off the deep end. Seriously, if you thought you knew what was coming in the next part, you have no idea.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)