Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002), Part IV — “Ten Years Under the Stairs Will Do That to a Person”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fourth and final part of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

We start our final part sliding down a tube!

WHOA!

And now we’re in the Chamber of Secrets.

Not particularly furnished, is it?

Evil never does much interior decoration, does it?

Now let’s go fuck up some snake.

Yeah…

Motherfuckers better know.

Lock your windows, close your doors.

Goddamnit, Gilderoy, you’re fucking up my badass moment.

“What a bitch.”

“Ah AH!”

And now he explains his plan. Wipe their memories and shit and be like, “Nah, son, I was too late.” Unfortunately…

Ron’s wand.

We’ve all been there.

Good job, Gilderoy.

Shoulda used duct tape.

Remember when this was a hazard in movies and TV?

At least now there’s a reason for Harry to go alone.

Lockhart has no idea who he is.

That’s right, knock him the FUCK OUT!

Harry says he’s gonna have to go find Ginny alone.

Like he cares. He’s been waiting for this shit all his motherfuckin’ life.

We’re already a step above the last movie. Wand’s out this time.

“Please, I already know some hassa hassa.”

Oh, it’s time.

I… sense I’ve gone too far.

Great shot.

Great moustache you got there, Salazar.

She seems like the type that would pass out wherever.

Oh look, it’s Tom Riddle.

With an Ursula entrance.

Or, I guess, in terms of this franchise… a Dumbledore entrance.

“You’ve got to help me, Tom, there’s a basilisk.”

I like how you’re assuming Tom’s on your side just because you shared a flashback.

“It won’t come until it’s called.”

“Give me my wand, Tom.”

Can he even use that? He’s a diary.

Tom explains that it was Ginny who opened the Chamber.

This is some acid trip shit.

Colin:

That’s Lunchables pizza sauce!

I shout that way too often in life.

Also, now I’m thinking about how she got all that blood.

(And so are you.)

She can’t feel her legs.

He explains everything else, too. Basically he did all this. He made her do all that stuff, and he’s behind it all. Only he’s not interested in killing mudbloods anymore. Now his target is Harry.

“How is it that a baby with no extraordinary magical talent was able to defeat the greatest wizard of all time?”

Honestly this is a question we can be asking in six movies, too.

“How did you escape with nothing but a scar while Lord Voldemort’s powers were destroyed?”

Were they destroyed? I thought his body was destroyed. I don’t think you’re being very consistent here.

“What do you care? Voldemort was after your time.”

You stupid bastard. Also, how are you not questioning that you’re talking to a figment of a fucking diary? How can he have a human form, and why does he have Harry’s wand. This is some Fight Club, “The gun is in your hand — the gun is in my hand” shit.

Colin:

What happened to that good handwriting? This looks like a sixth grader wrote it. Or an inner city eleventh grader. (Talk about a rare species!)

He baked this himself. Words and all.

Weird reverse shot angle, but sure.

Another anagram for it is Vomited Armor Doll.

Lots of canted angles in this one.

Oh shit, it’s Fawkes.

Colin:

Wassup, Moltres? That is Moltres, right?

Shh… you’ll wake up all the Zubats.

Oh-kay…

Just sort of shows up, drops a hat and then leaves. You’d think he’d wait around and watch shit.

It’s kind of like in wrestling, as someone’s getting the shit kicked out of them by like three people in the ring, and a guy waits until that moment to come out and help him. And they do their thing and just leave. Wouldn’t you stick around to make sure they don’t get shanked as they’re leaving the building or something?

This is actually a Phoenix ex Machina, though.

I didn’t know you spoke Force.

What you got, Olmec?

Okay, that was the last one, I promise.

You ever have a snake come out of your rock mouth?

Colin:

Indiana Jones is gonna need some new undies. (Indies?)

How has that thing survived all these years? Just eating rats and shit? Really? Richard Parker barely survived six months on fish.

I also love how this is the one thing spiders fear above all else.

Got many basilisks laying around places, do you?

So this chamber was created just to house a basilisk. Why so many snake statues? So it could feel less lonely?

Should I? Or is it too obvious?

It’s definitely right there. I know it’s not just me who sees it.

Irreversible.

“Do you see where I’m comin’ from you jive motherFUCKERRRRR?!”

Blind that bitch.

In silhouette, too.

I wonder if that’s because they thought it would look cool, because they knew the CGI would look like shit, or because they thought it would be too graphic for kids to see an eye get ripped out of its socket by a bird beak.

“Your bird may have blinded the basilisk, but it can still hear you!”

That’s what’s known as, “They’re not gonna know it’s blind, are they? We should put in a line so they know.”

Your eyes are bleedin’.

Honestly, do we need words from here on out?

Third Man reference!

Even British snakes have bad teeth.

Really? It didn’t hear that?

This is actually a pretty tense sequence. In my mind it goes on longer than it does in the movie.

I like how he’s just been standing there the whole time. When you think about the logistics of this scene, nothing actually happens.

This is the Fight Club of Harry Potter climaxes. He’s fighting something that doesn’t actually exist. It’s a piece of a dude’s soul projected from a diary.

Also, was the basilisk behind that mouth the whole time? Or did he put him in there for the big reveal?

And also apparently Ginny is dying and Riddle is growing stronger. Not really sure how that works, but they don’t explain it, so who cares?

Oh, but this randomly starts appearing. Isn’t he supposed to pull it from the hat as a last ditch effort? Shouldn’t it not just appear for him?

Two questions.

First — why would Godric Gryffindor have a sword when he could do magic with a wand?

Second — what a useless fucking sword that is. Any sword that’s encrusted with diamonds and jewels and shit is clearly not gonna be used in battle. It’s for some fey prince to swing around in his palace while he has other people go out and kill for him.

I thought you were a Gryffindor, man. That sword looks like it’s seen as much action as Dumbledore’s penis has seen a vagina.

Colin:

This sword looks oddly like something you could pick out at your local party store. I was expecting something more…Buster Sword. Or at least something actually medieval, like Aragorn’s sword or whatever. This looks like what Hagrid would use as a swizzle stick.

Also, how come the hat has nothing to say during all of this?

Not even “Hey… hey bird — what the fuck are you doing, I’m trying to sleep here!”

Did he pass out drunk and Fawkes picked him up and put him here? That’s fucked up. He’s gonna wake up with such a hangover and a dead snake lying next to him.

(Just like Lana Turner.)

What exactly was Slytherin intending with this “chamber”? What “secrets” is it hiding? The basilisk? That’s one secret. I feel like it should also be containing Nazi gold or something. Or stacks of crates with “Classified” stamps on them. There ain’t much here except a bunch of snake heads that are probably where all the school’s toilets flush out and all the shit and piss of the students funnels through and that sculpture of Salazar Slytherin (presumably) with a snake beard/hair thing going on. Not particularly secret-filled, is it?

Would he just come down here and plot the deaths of mudbloods? Just sit there with the basilisk, “One day, Tessie…”? Also, how did he get a basilisk into the school unnoticed?

Also, what’s funny — that entire plumbing system is snake-themed. This implies that either Salazar Slyherin was a gifted plumber, or he was given the task of handling the school’s plumbing when the place was built, and told the guy he wanted all these snake heads. But given that this is a magical universe, I’m thinking Slytherin did all the plumbing himself.

“It’s-a me, Salazar!”

Take your pick — Sleeping Beauty, Peter Pan — the reference is there.

This also looks like an exact same shot from Hercules.

Definitely Sleeping Beauty.

Oh, but he got stabbed. (Wouldn’t something that big actually go through your entire arm? The amount of blood on that fang — that’s not the cut we see in a minute.)

Snake dead.

“Aww, now you’re dying, isn’t it great?”

“Wait, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Oh heavens no, not the green one. Pull anyone but the green one.”

Tom Riddle actually is quite useless, isn’t he? He just stands there and doesn’t do anything. Don’t you have the guy’s wand? Shoot him or something.

He just got really lucky right here. He had no idea that’s the only thing that could kill it.

Hey Francis, want some gum?

This would be great if I could set it to music.

Like that video of a guy having a seizure set to “Sandstorm.”

Colin:

Be right back. Gotta go watch that.

Back. God, I feel so bad right now.

His facial expressions are crazy.

“God-Damn! I wanna get fucked!”

“It’s okay, Ginny. You’re all right.”

“Motherfucker, what is wrong with your ARM?”

Only comes in when he’s needed. He’s like one of those actors who refuses to stand there while the other person does their close-up. “Nah, you got it,” and they put a fucking mic stand there and the other person has to act opposite that. And the actor only comes in for their close ups.

“Hmm.”

This is actually kind of nice, the whole, “Well, I’m dying. But I tried my best.” I like how cool Harry is with death.

Ten years under the stairs will do that to a person.

That’s not what happens when that fang goes into your arm.

Phoenix tears. If you ever really want to top off a good Manhattan…

I love how practical this looks. You never see that in movies anymore.

Colin:

What the fuck is this? The book did it so much better. Harry’s wounded by the basilisk, he’s dying and Riddle knows it. So there Harry is, dying in front of Voldemort, who’s laughing at him. Fawkes shows up and Voldemort ridicules it for being pathetic and crying. Meanwhile, Harry’s wound heals, and he then fucks up the diary. Why did they do this out of order? It works so much better when Riddle gets to watch Harry dying and make fun of him. We’re worried about Harry and then Fawkes is the secret weapon. This is why we love Fawkes so much. 

But in the film, he just shows up after the fact. Like some bullshit mail-order nurse service. “I heard that you were feeling ill! Headache, fever, and a chill! They sent me to restore your pluck, cause I’m the nurse that likes to –“

Fawkes.

It actually is a lot better that way. And you still get that moment of Harry talking to Fawkes as he’s dying. That’s very strange. I guess it’s because they thought it would be more emotional to have Fawkes do it afterward, since that does feel like the more — what’s the word — typical version of that scene. That’s the way it would be done in all other movies of this sort. But it doesn’t make much sense at all. The book version is a lot better, dramatically-speaking.

Is that tiny ass bird carrying all those people?

Well that’s an unnecessary shot.

Colin:

Also — how come nobody’s ever checked the huge, gaping crevasse that’s RIGHT next to the school? If someone had decided to go spelunking at some point, maybe they’d have found the Chamber of Secrets, killed the basilisk, and it’d be a tourist destination by now.

We’re starting to veer into “Oh wait… wrong franchise” territory.

“You motherfuckers realize how many school rules you’ve broken?”

“Uh huh.”

“And you know I can expel you both, right?”

“Yup.”

“All right then. Let’s get a taco.”

It’s like Mulan: “Mulan, you fucked all the shit up! … But it was awesome. Emperor out.”

But actually, though. Can you really expel people for saving the school from the thing that will kill everyone if they let it out?

“First, I want to thank you, Harry. You must have shown real loyalty down in the chamber. Nothing but that could have called Fawkes to you.”

“And second, I sense that something is troubling you.”

Yeah, he almost fucking DIED.

“It’s just that I couldn’t help but notice certain similarities between Tom Riddle and me.”

“You can speak Parseltongue, Harry, why? Because, Lord Voldemort can speak Parseltongue. If I’m not mistaken, Harry, he transferred some of his powers to you the night he gave you that scar.”

Wow, that’s such an obfuscation of the truth. “If I’m not mistaken.” What a dick.

“Not intentionally, but yes.”

“So the Sorting Hat was right. I should be in Slytherin.”

“It’s true, Harry. You possess many of the qualities that Voldemort himself prizes – determination, resourcefulness, and if I may say so, a certain disregard for rules.”

“Why, then, did the Sorting Hat place you in Gryffindor?”

“Because I asked it to.”

“Exactly, Harry! Exactly.”

The bloody sword is still on the desk.

“Which makes you different from Voldemort. It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.”

“If you want proof why you belong in Gryffindor, then I suggest more closely at this.”

You’re now touching the bloody sword.

What a stupid ass sword.

“It would take a true Gryffindor to pull that out of the hat.”

This line will be paid off in six movies.

I didn’t want to make too many jokes during that. It was Richard Harris’s last big scene.

Colin:

For the record, Hufflepuffs pull a retarded rabbit out of the hat and then get killed.

I love that Gryffindor put his name on the sword like Andy did with his toys. Which is such a dick move. For Gryffindor. Not Andy. Andy’s cool.

Are you allowed to just come up into that office? Who gave you the password?

Re-veal!

Why did you bring your house elf with you?

Malfoy is pissed Dumbledore is back.

Dumbledore basically says, “I know you blackmailed them into suspending me, motherfucker.”

Evil.

“The culprit has been identified, I presume. Who was it?”

“Should we tell him?”

“Up to you, man. I don’t trust this motherfucker.”

“Watch this.”

“Voldemort.”

I love how he did that.

Why are you acting so surprised? You know it’s him. You haven’t been linked to him yet.

“Only he chose to act through somebody else, by means of this.”

I want my notebooks to have bullet holes in them.

I love Dobby. Even now he’s like, “Come on, fool. You gotta break out.”

And then we all realize that it was Malfoy who put the diary in Ginny’s cauldron.

Why now, I don’t know. He fucking saw him do when it happened.

Also, way too obvious with that lighting, guys.

Richard Harris.

What a hilarious moment. He fucking kicks him down the stairs.

And if we didn’t realize he was the one that put it in Ginny’s cauldron –

Colin:

Not a euphemism.

– they’re going to tell us. Very plainly.

“You did it.”

Important moment!

A twelve-year-old just accused a grown ass man of some horrible shit.

“Why don’t you prove it?”

“Come, Dobby.”

“Open it.”

“What the fuck are you saying, now? You’re about to get me beat again.”

“I said come, Dobby!”

“Master has given Dobby a sock!”

“Motherfucker, wha–?”

“Master has presented Dobby with clothes!”

“Dobby is free!”

Game.

Blouses.

Oh, he’s gonna fuck you up now.

I love that his pimp cane also has his wand inside it. That’s awesome.

Colin:

Actually my favorite thing about Lucius. That’s classy as hell. How his wand has a saber-styled handle and it just chills in his cane all the time. If I had a set-up like that, I’d use spells sparingly so as to preserve the drama of pulling out the wand like a badass.

“You shall not harm Harry Potter!”

“Avada –”

Holy shit! This motherfucker’s gonna kill a kid right in the middle of Hogwarts!

But he was going to kill a kid in the middle of Hogwarts.

Colin:

Wasn’t he going to kill Dobby? Also, how does this work? Does Dobby keep the sock? If Lucius steals it back, how can Dobby and Harry prove it was ever in Dobby’s possession? Is there a magical register hooked up to the magical Patriot Act surveillance system somewhere that knows that Dobby got a sock? And then he’s on record as a free elf? 

Socks — the slave papers of the wizarding world.

But actually, though, is Dobby gonna frame that thing now? What happens to it?

Colin:

How about this? Are we to assume that Dobby does all the household chores EXCEPT laundry? Do they have a Mexican chick who comes in on Tuesdays for that?

“No… no. Mister Malfoy es no home.”

But actually though — I’m curious what happened here. He was about to kill somebody. It looked like it was gonna be Harry and Dobby got in the way. Which is so fucked up that he straight up was gonna use the one curse that sends you away forever IN PUBLIC IN A SCHOOL. And also — if he did murder Dobby, what’s the sentencing like on that? Do you plead down to a misdemeanor? What would SPEW have to say about that?

Also, nice ass clothes, Lucius.

“… bitch.”

“This isn’t the end!”

He seems worried.

Even that bird is like, “Bring it, bitch!”

“Harry Potter freed Dobby. How can Dobby repay him?”

*zip*

“Just promise me something.”

“Anything, sir.”

“Never try to save my life again.”

Well, now we know what happens when he breaks that promise…

Colin:

You have an elf that’s forever indebted to you, and you make a stupid joke like that? How about, “Fix my socks when they get worn out! Spy on bitches I like for me! Buy me booze til I’m legal!”

Complete disregard for dental hygiene in this school. And it’s London, so it’s not like they’re working with a full deck in that regard to begin with.

“Now I get to fuck her when she can move!”

“Me too!”

I love that the movies blatantly set up shit between Harry and Hermione and not Ron. They don’t even try to hide it.

See?

Colin:

I always thought they were doing stuff like this BECAUSE they had the awkward more-than-friends thing. You can hug a friend no problem, but if you like her, you shake hands so she doesn’t get poked. Actually, they’re like 12-13, right? You just shake hands, or poking’s gonna happen.

Yeah, but wait til Deathly Hallows. I’m pretty sure we’d all agree that Harry and Hermione have and were give stronger screen chemistry than Hermione and Ron. When they really start to force that shit in there in Half-Blood Prince, it’s really awkward. Since it wasn’t there at all the rest of the books.

Then Dumbledore says some shit.

Why does the nurse get to be at the table? Well, I guess because she’s had a rough semester. Having to unkill a bunch of people.

What happened to the rest of the teachers? How come it’s only the ones we see during the movie?

You think they’re wondering what happened to the House Cup?

Professor Flitwick. Baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

“All exams have been cancelled.”

Wait, what? How are they being graded? They’re just moving them off to the next year like that?

Comedy.

“The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

One of these days, he will finally get to that gangbang.

“The owl that delivered my release papers got lost and confused. Some ruddy bird called Errol.”

Why was that the bird that delivered them? I’m so confused.

“Hey, come on, it’s kinda funny! So he got tortured for a few more hours, it was worth it.”

Hagrid thanks Harry, Ron and Hermione for getting him out of Azkaban.

Dude got bailed out by middle-schoolers.

Let us also again state that he was thrown in prison for something he might have had something to do with fifty years ago.

“It’s not Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.”

Where does Hagrid go between semesters? Why not have Harry go with him?

I’m getting a bit misty-eyed myself.

I start slow claps too, motherfucker.

And this is how we end the movie, pulling back outside as we fade out.

Kinda anti-climactic, but I guess I can be glad they don’t end both movies at the train.

– – – – – – – – – –

So, tomorrow we go over our favorite images, and then we’ll do our final thoughts for the film. And on Monday, we start Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, which, overall plot-wise, might actually be the Star Trek IV of this franchise.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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