Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Part I — “That Maid Just Got Hurricaned in the Face”

Today we begin another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the first part of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

We begin with a nice specialized Warner Bros. logo and track in to –

A much darker palette.

Harry phoning home, apparently.

Or maybe he’s trying to look at porn and jerk off and pretend like he’s not still at Privet Drive.

My money’s on option B.

“Motherfucker, I can HEAR you jerking off from inside. I don’t know who this McGonagall is, but either go get her to actually suck your dick or fucking finish already!”

The weird thing is he slams the door as he leaves. Isn’t the point to have him be asleep? Why the fuck would you slam the door and risk him waking up and actually doing what you suspect him of doing?

Ever jerk off with a sheet over your head?

My money’s on option B.

Isn’t he not allowed to be doing that out of school, too?

Jeez, he really does look like he’s jerking off.

Colin:

Gotta wonder if Petrificus Totalus works on dicks.

It does at the beginning of Deathly Hallows.

“Come on – almost there… Yeah, Ginny, keep doing that…”

“Oh god…”

He cums so hard the title card pops up.

And quickly finish and go back to that position.

That’s right, rub it all into the sheets. You’re the one who’s cleaning them anyway.

This is kind of a lot of exercise for him.

You know he didn’t even get a chance to wipe his fingers off yet. He’s got that shit rainbowing over his knuckles right now cause he didn’t even get to grab a tissue. I bet it sticks to his hand.

Anyway…

Then we cut to –

Vernon’s sister, Marge arriving. She’s played by Pam Ferris, who also played Trunchbull in Matilda.

Harry needs Unc V to sign his permission slip. (You’d think Hogwarts would know about the extenuating circumstances here by now.)

Colin:

I also found this to be bullshit. You’d think that they would need the guardian’s permission to even allow him to go to Hogwarts, but they pretty much overrode that by raping the house with letters. This doesn’t make sense at all. Just let the kid go to Hogsmeade. It’s not like Vernon would even know WHAT he was signing anyway, so what’s the point of getting the signature?

Emperor Palpatine:

I want that permission slip signed!

It’s actually a pretty civil conversation. Unc V asks what it is, Harry says “Nothing… school stuff.” And Unc V says, “Maybe later, if you behave yourself.”

Which is better. I like the evolution of this relationship. It kind of made me a little upset they cut them out of the last few movies. I liked how they were handing this.

And then Harry says he’ll behave “if she does,” which is pretty great. Since he has the stones to talk back to him now and Vernon doesn’t react the way he would have three years ago.

It’s weird how she just hates Harry out of nowhere.

Sure, it comes up later that they’re lying about him, but it’s weird that you can just show up and hate a kid like that. Even if they tell you he’s basically a criminal, if he acts decent around you, doesn’t that make him a decent person?

She’s just a cunt, is what it is.

But sure, Aunt Marge is a cunt and they make him clear plates off and shit, but ultimately, they’re pretty civil. So he’s moving on up.

(Though, as we’ll see, the pie is for the dog, not for Harry.)

“Hey, you, boy –”

“Chop chop.”

It’s fucked up that he’s not wearing a fat suit.

Colin:

I didn’t know Mount Vernon was in England.

Getting the dog wasted!

“I like to get drunk too… bitch.”

“What the fuck are you looking at?”

(P.S. Richard Griffiths is falling asleep in the background.)

Vernon has told everyone Harry is a hopeless case and has been sent to a reform school, so Marge thinks he’s this criminal. She asks if they use a cane there at the school.

“Motherfucker, you better say yes.”

(He got the crazy eyes.)

“Oh – yeah – yeah – I’ve been beaten – f—loads of times.”

He enjoys the lying, knowing he’s better then she thinks he is –

Until she starts going on about bad blood and saying his father was probably a drunk.

Uh oh.

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

For you.

Oh, wait… wrong franchises.

Colin:

So Harry’s fuming, the lights start to flicker and air starts whooshing in out of nowhere all at the same time, and you don’t even stop to acknowledge the weirdness of that? Even if you aren’t expecting magic, you gotta be thinking that’s a strange coincidence. But no, she keeps right on going. Cause she’s a thug.

“Motherfucker…she’s not supposed to know that shit!”

“That one wasn’t me.”

“All right… all right. I think it’s time you went to bed.”

(I like how Marge is like, “I used to kill people with these hands back in the day…”)

“Nah, nah – he’ll clean this shit up first.”

Now she starts going on about how it’s all to do with his mother.

She pretty much calls his mother a bitch, too. Which is messed up, since that’s her sister-in-law’s sister, too.

“Bitch, shut the fuck up!”

Yeah – this won’t end well.

Look at Vernon’s forehead.

Seriously, though — look at it.

You guys see Looper?

It always goes wrong when we get to the dessert.

Colin:

Eddie Murphy?

There’s really not much else you can do there, is there?

“At least it’s not me this time.”

Man down!

Jesus, he looks like Leo getting out of the elevator.

Anthony Anderson too.

♫ “I can show you the world…” ♫

She STOLE fizzy lifting drinks!

“I don’t love you that much.”

“Bye, bitch.”

How did he not die when he hit that ground at his size?

Margie!

Colin:

Squalay.

Aww… dead parents.

“That’s it! I’m moving out!”

This is a great moment. “You bring her back now!” The power balance has shifted. He can kill your entire family now.

“I’ll kill you!”

“Now hang on a minute…”

(He actually just pulled out a gun.)

“You’re not allowed to do magic outside of school!”

How does he know that? And also, what do you call what just happened?

“Yeah? Try me.”

“You have nowhere to go.”

“I don’t care. Anywhere’s better than here.”

Safety-wise… not so much, actually.

I hope he catches a boxcar with some hobos.

When did Privet Drive start to sound like the ambiance scary noises on a Halloween CD?

Colin:

I just assume that England is always wet.

We’re just gonna isolate that part of the statement right now.

Colin:

I was there once, and it rained the whole time. Go live in England if you like being damp all the time. And you get to say to girls, “Hey, is it rainy out, or are you just happy to see me?” But it’s never the latter. :(

It’s actually kinda weird he never left before. Part-time job and shit. He’s basically done all that stuff anyway at home.

Nice shot. Already I’m loving Alfonso Cuaron’s direction.

Good idea… realize you don’t have anywhere to go and sit there on the corner.

(P.S. Is this the same place from the opening of Order of the Phoenix?)

Lights be flickering and shit.

There’s nothing creepier than the sound of a swing set moving on its own. Except maybe a phantom child’s nursery rhyme on top of it.

Colin:

The playground merry-go-round is always bad news. It’s creepy when it spins in the wind and makes creaking noises. Or when a bunch of kids are spinning on it and Linda Hamilton watches them get vaporized. If you’re at a playground and they have one of those things, you run.

Imagine if Guillermo del Toro directed one of these things.

Dog appearing out of nowhere. What is this, our third major character first been seen appearing out of the darkness? (Dumbledore, Riddle, and now Sirius.)

It’s the Knight Bus!

(Not as good as the Cat Bus, but we’ll take it.)

What up, Stan Shunpike?

Colin:

Stan Shunpike’s gonna need about tree fiddy.

So basically it’s like the subway – transporting homeless people and drunks when they got no place else to go at night.

Colin:

Okay, continued from Chamber of Secrets, but why would the Knight Bus exist? Apparating, floo powder, portkeys, brooms, walking — there are plenty of ways of getting around, and some of them are starting to sound superfluous. We haven’t even set off yet and I’m already questioning the logic behind this bus.

Also, the explanation is that as Harry fell, he stuck out his wand arm, like he was hailing a cab. I guarantee you if we went through all the movies meticulously, there would be an instance of someone falling down with their wand hand out. They don’t even have to be falling, so it’s really just when you’re standing on the side of a road and lift out your wand hand. I find it impossible to believe that such a trivial action doesn’t happen thousands of times a day. This whole thing is bullshit.

I just pictured you knocking your plate of meatloaf onto the floor and stamping away, kicking nothing in particular. “THIS WHOLE THING IS BULLSHIT!!”

Also, he totally did have his wand hand out.

P.S. Totally gonna call my jerking off hand my “wand hand.”

Now I’m thinking about what happens if you have two “wand hands.”

You think having a wand is like jerking off? Are you just not as good with your other hand? Is the feel just not there? It must be, right? Using a wand is kind of like throwing or writing or jerking off. I mean, throwing you can kind of do with both arms, but you’re just gonna have better arm strength and accuracy with one arm. Does that extend to casting spells? If you’re a lefty (do they make lefty wands?), and you cast a spell with your right hand, does it become more erratic? Has to be, right? It’s like a gunfighter. You have your side. (“I’m better when I move.”) Next time I watch these movies, I’m gonna pay closer attention to which hand they use for their wands.

Side note: there is a jizz spell, right? There has to be some sort of spell where Harry can just run up behind Hermione — “Fizzicus Jizzicus!” — and cum just shoots out of his wand all over her back, right? And he can run away like, “Ha ha, you have to go to Arithmancy with jizz on your back!” Or like a pantsing spell.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Prank spells

There has to be a spell that makes people orgasm. There’s no way there isn’t.

Also, here’s a question you don’t really get to ask — women have a go-to hand like guys do, right? Or is it just a free-for-all down there? Like a rap DJ from the 80s.

Also, if you can masturbate with both hands, does that make you ambidickstrous?

I love these articles. One day they’ll put me away because of these articles.

Guy’s got leprosy, the bus looks like it’s gonna catch fire at any minute… this is the Fung Wah bus of the wizarding world, isn’t it?

A Jamaican shrunken head? This is definitely the Fung Wah bus of the wizarding world.

What? You don’t have a Jamaican shrunken head that talks? My head’s name is Franklin.

Colin:

It’s Mr. Frizzle.

He came all over that Magic School Bus.

Fung Wah all the way, baby.

Colin:

This bus is a horrible idea. Also, it’s moving fast, but not more than a hundred miles an hour. So how is it that it just happened to be where Harry was? It’s not like it was summoned to where he was, or else they’d never get anywhere they were trying to go. I’m just glad this plot device isn’t a submarine, cause it’s full of holes.

Oh no, little old lady!

It’s either that or a fruit stand.

I like how the shrunken head starts counting down to the point where he’s gonna go. Like, “This bitch has ten second to get out of my way before I run that bombaclot over.”

Keanu Reeves:

Cans! It was full of cans!

Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban.

How do these papers work? Does magic make you able to read in multiple directions?

Yeah, Gary Oldman!

Shunpike explains that Sirius is a murderer who was a supporter of Voldemort. So, you know – classic misdirection. So many of these movies rely on bad information until the third act.

Colin:

Am I the only one who caught onto that fucked up crossword puzzle? Some of the boxes are triangles and stuff. I know it’s the wizarding world, but do we have to go out of our way to make even the most mundane things look bizarre? They speak English, and they use the same alphabet. Making the boxes weird is just…pointless. You’re trying too hard to make things different.

You also know that their crosswords would only be about wizarding world stuff. “Ten down….a horrible island inhabited by terrifying creatures and criminals. Staten Island? Oh, no, it’s Azkaban.” Which, on the Wikipedia blurb for Azkaban, they actually say, “Not to be confused with Azerbaijan.” That’s hilarious.

Fucking ten-down…

“Why the long faces?!”

“Man, Hedwig would be trippin’ balls right now if she were here.”

(P.S. He totally left Hedwig back at the Dursleys’.)

Colin:

I noticed that as well. Way to leave your bird, douchebag. I’m sure it’ll find its way to Hogwarts so you can use it later on to deliver your mail, you ungrateful prick.

Who else is on this bus? It actually looks like only drunks and homeless people ride this thing.

Colin:

I only accept this scene for the crazy rasta head that just made a shitty pun. We like those.

Igor comes and meets him, somehow knowing he was coming.

Love how they made this so dark without any effort.

“Oh, you know, just reading some Stephen Hawking.”

Apparently Hedwig escaped on her own. Weird that she was clawing to get out last year and now she knows how to open cages.

Oh shit – Cornelius Fudge up in the heezy.

I love the Citizen Kane deep focus going on. Alfonso Cuaron is the best thing that happened to this franchise.

Ayyyy!

It’s like in Goodefellas after Henry beats his first rap.

Colin:

It looks like Humpty Dumpty’s trying to get Harry to eat stuff so he’ll get fat and they can eat him.

He looks like if Woody Harrelson had a meth-head brother.

He explains that Aunt Marge has been put back to normal and had her memory altered, so – no harm done.

Man… shit changes in two movies, huh?

“Oh, come Harry, the Ministry doesn’t send people to Azkaban for blowing up their aunts!”

You hear that, Gertrude?

Colin:

Donkey laugh, silenced, apologetic bow. As someone who lives in Japan, I love it when underlings know their place. He did the wrong bow for a donkey laugh, though. That was the bow for over-brewing the tea.

“However, running away like that – not the smartest move. We have a killer on the loose.”

Does he know about the protection spell?

“But what’s Sirius Black got to do with me?”

The only thing missing here was a, “Shouldn’t have told you that.”

Why is no one telling him he’s his godfather?

Love these camera placements.

Oh, and he brought Harry’s schoolbooks here for him, too. (Seriously – motherfucker doesn’t pay for shit this entire franchise. He’s rich and people just buy him shit. All he’s bought so far is candy.)

Colin:

People with humps are always so subservient. Fudge tells him he got Harry new school books, and Igor does the whole Price is Right girl hand wave over the goods.

Potential subtitle for this part: “People with Humps Are Always So Subservient.”

I like how subtle it is that he’s got a long sleeve. That’s because if you did that shit in real life without padding on your arm, that owl would claw the fuck out of it.

“Also – don’t wander places. Shit’s dangerous.”

Did they just give him the upstairs office of this bar? What’s going on here?

This reminds me of Jude Law in Road to Perdition.

(It’s also got that Children of Men coloring.)

Are there any other book titles that could be their own homonyms? Not too many, right? That worked out pretty well.

Why would you do that? When have you ever had any luck opening a book? Especially ones that move.

“I’m too high for this shit.”

Also, is that thing eating its own pages, or… how does that work?

Seriously, look at these camera placements. Immediately a more engaging movie.

Colin:

Fuck this book and fuck the paper it was printed on. And when it goes under the bed, you don’t poke your head down there for a look. This is how you get face-hugged.

Shit… that’s making a run for subtitle too – “This Is How You Get Face-Hugged.”

Colin:

Do wizards not do movies? They have photos, but never made that transition into moving pictures? Rowling’s very selective about what technology she lets them play with. And what if Hermione was really into movies as a kid? No more movies for you, you’re magic now! Fuck that.

Can we make a book called “That’s How You Get Face-Hugged” and list all the different ways in which you are putting yourself at risk for face-hugging?

But simple. Like a children’s book. Like “The Very Hungry Caterpillar.” Opening the refrigerator… and you turn the little quarter page panel and open it out — boom, face-hugged.

I think people would go for it.

Gotcha, bitch.

(Though, what were you thinking Harry? That shit might scuff your kicks, man.)

I love that this place is like one of those inns you stopped at while traveling in the 1800s.

Also, side note — more picaresque stories involving inns.

That’s it. Just that.

“Housekeeping…”

How narrow are these rooms?

Colin:

What the fuck was THAT? The maid just got hurricaned in the face.

I almost just did a spittake. “The Maid Just Got Hurricaned in the Face.” We got subtitles galore, this time.

Crookshanks chasing Scabbers?

“I know what that means…”

Aww… they go’n fuck.

“Aww… they go’n fuck.”

And they know it, too.

Jesus, though… look at Ron. He looks like Rick Moranis and a clown had a baby.

The Weasleys went to Egypt.

Best face goes to the guy playing… presumably Bill, or Charlie, in the background there. I’m talking about the guy who looks like the douchebag villain in 80s teen comedies, and not the guy who looks like the love child of Steve Guttenburg and Richard Simmons.

Also, what the fucks is Ginny looking at?

I also think that’s Bin Laden back there.

Colin:

Again with the paper. Why does the text wrap around the photo? You’re just going out of your way to be weird. It’s like Back to the Future II where the kids in 2015 all wear their jeans inside out. Except that was going overboard in a cool way. This is just…let’s take the most trivial details of this universe and tweak them lest there be something that resembles reality! Except for some more obvious things, like how half of the wizarding community wears New Balances.

What’s weird is that them going on vacation is IN THE FUCKING NEWSPAPER!

Also some of those sentences just say Egypt Egypt in Egypt.

It’s great that she’s like a surrogate mother. That’s why we love her.

Colin:

I thought we loved her cause she raised some badass sons and a daughter that puts out.

Filing that one away to say to my mother-in-law one day. “I love you because you raised a daughter that puts out.”

Arthur needs a word.

Colin:

And I said, ‘HEY!’ What a wonderful kind of day! Where you can learn to work and play! And get along with each other.

It’s either that or, “A real woman could stop you from drinking.” “It’d have to be a real big woman.”

What if those were the same show?

I love that Alfonso Cuaron loves the long take. The single, unbroken shots in a film like this are very impressive.

Colin:

This shot is great. Harry and Mr. Weasley talking in the back and Gary Oldman’s picture in the foreground, turning around to be like, “FUCK YOU, I SEE YOU!”

Isn’t it great what happens when you get a great director to make your franchise movie?

Dear Hollywood, take the fucking hint.

Arthur thinks Harry needs to know the facts.

♫ “You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both…” ♫

Arthur explains the Blacks of life.

They’re all about you, Harry.

Sirius Black has escaped to kill Harry.

Colin:

I don’t quite understand the progression of this conversation, not content-wise, but physically. Mr. Weasley has them sneaking along the room. Nobody’s eavesdropping, nobody’s trying to get in on the conversation. You can hang back, it’ll be fine. No need to sneak around like the Blues Brothers.

It’s a single take. They maintain movement so you don’t become uncomfortably aware that the camera has been sitting there, with an unbroken take, for the past ninety seconds. That’s like in Children of Men when you’re watching them in the refugee camp, and there’s that almost twenty minute take (which – there are hidden cuts, but still), and you don’t notice it because it’s so fluid. This is just a simpler version of that. (And that’s why we love Alfonso Cuaron. I can’t fucking wait for Gravity.)

Though, actually — I am curious — from what we learn about Sirius — there’s really no way you could ever mistake him as someone who has love for Voldemort. He’s always very loyal to James, who is basically his brother — the family takes him in, Tom Hagen style when his family — loaded with Slytherins and Death Eaters — throws him out for being too liberal (or something like that). He’s a Gryffindor (and remember — there wasn’t a bad witch or wizard who wasn’t in Slytherin… except, you know, the guy who actually is to blame for all this), and was in the ORDER OF THE PHOENIX! I mean, sure, James and Lily end up dead, and most people thought he was the secret keeper and all that, but it’s weird that everyone jumps to, “Oh man, he’s coming to kill Harry.” He could have done this at any point over the last twelve years. I don’t know, it’s just weird to me that everyone is jumping to this one conclusion and beating the drum so hard.

Not one person thought this motherfucker was innocent over all these years?

Arthur wants Harry to swear that he won’t go looking for Black.

Pretty sure he breaks that promise in the first scene of Half-Blood Prince.

Colin:

Yeah, and how about his son, who ends up with Angelina Johnson? JUNGLE FEVER!

“Why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?”

See: Every other movie. (Really, Harry?)

Cuts.

“Don’t lose him!”

If you’ve watched enough movies – it’s not subtle.

From Hogwarts, with Love.

There’s a nice moment where Hermione’s like, “You were lucky not to get yourself expelled,” and Harry’s like, “I think I was lucky not to get arrested, actually.” Which is a great line, because it both maintains consistency with Hermione’s “or worst… expelled” greatest fear and also moves the franchise more toward the real world and less toward the whole “magical” thing. Notice they’re already not wearing the robes anymore. So it’s nice that they’re introducing real world stuff into it as well. Already this seems like a carefully constructed movie, and there’s not really all that much to make fun of. (Plus there’s less exposition here, since we know the set up, so that also lends itself to there being less to make fun of.)

Colin:

I love them wearing normal clothes and being normal people. I still wanna see that one random kid with an iPod or something. What do magical people do when they want to listen to music on the go and not disturb anyone else?

The wizarding world really is lacking in the music department. (But we’ll save that discussion for the next film.)

They get into a cabin with a drunk. (Nice.)

Colin:

Oh, what’s in the bottle?

Brad Pitt:

WHAT’S IN THE BOTTLE??!!?!

It’s professor R. J. Lupin.

Ron wonders how Hermione knew that.

“It’s on his suitcase, Ronald.”

She’s like House. (House… Holmes… Hermione… maybe there’s something there.)

Colin:

Oh yeah, the drug addict connection!

“You think he’s really asleep?”

Mi scusi.

And it’s raining now – already it’s like we’re in a different universe that’s also the same one. Brilliant, this movie. That’s why this is probably my favorite of them all.

Colin:

Hey Hermione, is it rainy out, or are you just happy to see me?

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Though since I already just killed the next twenty minutes of Colin’s day, let’s go the full nine.

Colin:

You asshole. I did a double take and then went to watch it by myself. Didn’t even make it to the link. Me with that clip is like Cartman with “Come Sail Away.” I can’t not watch the whole thing.

(I kind of have to.)

They talk about Sirius Black. It’s funny that not once do they think Sirius Black could have killed Lupin and be sitting right there with him.

Because who’s running security on this train full of basically the entire enrollment of this school? The candy trolley lady? She got a sawed off in that cart underneath jelly bean pile?

Also — seriously — is this the only train that runs to Hogwarts? (We’ve gotten to this before, right? How people who live near the school have to travel — seemingly — to London just to go back to Scotland? If not, then I’m remembering a later article and we will. Because it makes no sense.) Kind of a safety risk to put all the kids on one train like that. And to make them all have to take it. What if their parents drive them to and from campus?

The train stops.

And the lights go out.

Lotta flickering going on.

I love the coloring of this image.

This is better than horror movies.

THIS is the opening scene of your Godzilla movie, by the way. Just do this exactly and it’ll work.

NOW you pull out a joint, Hermione?

Not liquor. Liquor doesn’t freeze. Already I question this guy.

Right?

“What is that?”

It’s –

– – – –

How awesome would that be?

“Hey, yo, anyone seen my cousin Charlie?”

“Shire… Baggins!”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Well that’s fucked up. It just shows up and starts sucking out his soul. Didn’t even play with his balls a little bit first or anything.

Is this because of the scar? Do they ever mention that? Do they sense some Voldie in him and attack him randomly?

Dun dun dun dun dun.

That’s a real badass. Wakes up from a drunken stupor and can take out a dementor like it’s nothing.

“Dementor shut the fuck up, you know this my Patronus, I ain’t even gotta say it! Gonna send your ass back to Azkaban with Crookshank Pete, and his crazy ass jizz spells, would you LIKE THAT?”

But seriously though – doesn’t even say Expecto Patronum. Just does it. No animal, just light. Why? Because we haven’t learned it yet.

Colin:

What good are dementors if anyone can send them away with a patronus and no questions asked? If someone is that powerful a wizard, they can produce a patronus no problem. It seems like a pointless endeavor for the dementors to be chasing Oldman, cause they have that weakness. It’s like, “We’re gonna get you! Unless…you know…you don’t want us to.”

Their strength really does lie in numbers. Or, you know, the assumption that eventually you’ll stop having a patronus. Like, a dementor rolls up on you (“L Street, motherfucker!”), you bust out your patronus, and it jumps back up in the air away from you. And then your patronus comes out, like, it’s a lemur or something, and it’s just chilling next to you, and the dementor has to stay back, since patronuses are basically like dementor restraining orders.

Really all it’s gotta do is stay like ten feet away like, “Come on, man! I wasn’t really gonna kill you! Put the patronus away! Are you gonna put it away? You can’t keep it out all day. You’re gonna get tired. I bet it makes you hungry, using all that magic. Have you had a lot to drink today? Have to use the bathroom? S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s…” “Shut up dementor.”

(Harry Potter TV series idea: This scene)

Also, I want to see the person who sends a dementor away with questions asked. Like, “Expecto Patronum! … by the way, what do you feel about man’s place in the universe?”

And that’s the end of the movie!

That would have been fucked up, too.

Lupin gives him chocolate.

Don’t know if I’d trust a dude with that moustache if he gave me sweets.

Colin:

Not even if it was a Scrumdiddlyumptious Bar? Also, “scrumdiddlyumptious” sounds like the sort of word you might use to describe female masturbation.

Gonna make some of that Lady Marmalade.

He explains that the dementors were searching the train for Sirius Black.

“Eat. You’ll feel better.”

I love the way he delivers this. He immediately becomes a friendly presence.

Very different from, “You have to bite it.”

Harry wonders why he was the only one to pass out.

And I’m wondering why not one person drew cocks all over his face.

Exposition set up!

Colin:

We find out later that these carriages are pulled by thestrals, which can only be seen by people who have witnessed death. Harry sees them for the first time after witnessing a murder in Goblet of Fire, so I guess his parents don’t count?

Or the professor he murdered with his bare hands two years ago?

Colin:

The explanation given is that you have to “accept” the death before you see them, but other people Harry’s age and younger can see them, so maybe they’re just more mature or something. Or maybe Rowling just decided that the autonomous carriages should be drawn by some special creature and made up some shit. To hell with continuity!

I also love that it’s just — “This way, Hogwarts, that way, Hogsmeade.” If the other way looks anything like this one — it’s pretty fucking obvious what’s that way.

Oh, the candles… this, to me, is one of the greatest touches they took from the early films and completely turned into a major element of the franchise.

Because think about it — these candles were there in the first two movies, but did you ever really pay attention to them and how awesome they were before this? No. You didn’t. And that’s why I love this movie. Stuff like this.

Oh yeah.

Or maybe…

But actually, though.

Oh, but shit, though.

Colin:

Isn’t it August? Why are they singing some song out of Nightmare Before Christmas? Does every day become Halloween because they’re witches and wizards?

But let’s talk about Filius Flitwick conducting the fuck out of this choir.

Baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

I can keep going with these choir tracks, though.

(And I didn’t even have to bust this one out.)

“That’s right, bitches.”

“It’s me.”

Now’s a good time to point out – Richard Harris died after the filming of Chamber of Secrets. In fact, he died about a month before the film was released into theaters. A funny story about that is – when he was in London, he lived at the Savoy Hotel. And as they were taking him out of the hotel on a stretcher, shortly before he died, they passed the Savoy Grill, the famous restaurant at the base of the hotel. And as he passed all the diners, he said to them, “It was the food!”

Colin:

I can only hope that as I’m dying I have the opportunity to pull some shit like that. Or say something like, “AHH my chest! My…bloody chest.” Something that people will remember me for and say, “He went out with a joke. Cool guy.”

I’ve already told people that my last words when someone stabs me for making too many puns are gonna be, “I can see your point.” But back to Richard Harris…

His family wanted his good friend Peter O’Toole to take over as Dumbledore, but due to the potential problems of getting O’Toole insured for the duration of the franchise (he was 72 at the time and was as hard a drinker as Richard Harris in his day), they went with Michael Gambon instead.

Dumbledore announces Lupin as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Snape is thrilled.

Isn’t it funny to think one of the guys who bullied him as a teenager now has the job he wants most?

Also, holy shit — that looks like Harry Davenport on the right. Look it up if you don’t know who I’m talking about. And watch more 30s and 40s movies.

How many new teachers do these kids have to clap for?

“Potter! Is it true you actually fainted like a bitch?”

They say that like those things coming aboard the train isn’t the scariest shit ever.

Also, their Care of Magical Creatures professor retired “in order to spend more time with his remaining limbs.”

Genius.

Their new Care of Magical Creatures professor –

Hagrid.

Flitwick (baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts) has a Hitler thing going on now.

“YEAH! WE JUST CHEERED HIM LIKE FOUR MONTHS AGO!!”

Colin:

Someone should talk to Seamus Finnigan. Bulimia is a very serious disease.

Here’s a question — does the wax just drip (drip drip) onto them as they eat?

Dumbledore also says that dementors will be stationed around Hogwarts until Sirius Black is captured.

Because that’s not arbitrary.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Also — what if Sirius is never captured? This is how we still have troops stationed in countries we stopped fighting years ago.

“Get the fuck out my way, candle.”

“I create fire too, motherfucker.”

What up stairs, you changing fucks?

She looks like she’s doing a Supremes impression.

Colin:

Eddie Murphy?

Is it me, or is that Ralph Fiennes Voldemort down on the right there?

Either that or it’s Nosferatu.

“Lady, I know you want to fuck me. Skip the flirting. It’s not happening.”

Dean Thomas:

That bitch fine as hell.

Is that Buddy the Elf in the back?

“Wait – watch this first.”

You’re gonna scare the shit out of that baby.

“Ohh… amazing!”

Colin:

The Fat Lady just made my short list of badasses. Nobody saw that.

“Bitch, let us in!”

“Jesus, all right!”

“Thank you.”

“…bitch.”

(You know… if the moon hit Lupin just right…)

Nice common room. Also, love how they don’t give a shit about ghosts anymore. Like, “Hey, man, how you doing?”

Also — weird that the ghost was sleeping up in somebody’s bed up there.

Of course it’s the black kid.

Look at his face. You know what he’s saying.

They all hang out like college kids, taking candies that make them sound like animals.

It’s funny imagining this as they shot it, with no sound.

Colin:

The scene would be ten times better if Harry just bust out in Parseltongue without eating any candy and everyone else stopped laughing.

What animal is that?

Dementor porn.

Colin:

It always feels like Hogwarts is the center of the wizarding world and that nowhere else matters even a little bit. Every time something goes down, everyone’s focused on Hogwarts, like it’s a foregone conclusion that any bad shit is going down here. So here we are with several hundred dementors.

Hogwarts is Beverly Hills, Durmstrang is Compton, and dementors are the LAPD.

Sadly, Lee Jordan becomes Rodney King.

These shots…

This is where we creepily watched Harry with Hedwig from the first movie. I like how we can take the same sets and make them look completely different based on how we shoot them.

Aww… a blue bird.

WHOMP!

That’s funny. I was making a similar Whomping Willow joke during the last movie. I totally forgot this happened. That’s great.

Look at all these beautiful shots.

Time for Divination.

Colin:

Is there Multiplination? When do they learn how to do long divination? 

Some people are just blessed with long divination.

Taught by Professor Trelawney.

Played by Emma Thompson. Who is clearly having a fucking ball with this.

I want a classroom set up like that.

“This is fucking ridiculous.”

I love Emma Thompson. So much.

Colin:

She got some Erykah Badu hair. 

What was it Freud said about the Irish?

Colin:

“Qui gives a shit?”

“Where the fuck did you come from?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve just been here, playing with my titties all along.”

“You – boy — is your grandmother all right?”

“I – I think so.”

“Don’t be so sure of that.”

She’s awesome.

Also good thing she said grandmother and not a parent.

“Give me the cup.”

I like how she has no patience for them. Like, “Stop trying to figure it out and let me just tell you.”

“OH DEAR GOD!”

Colin:

What is it? Is he…? Oh god, he is. Black.

“And I touched it!!! Ewww ewww get it away from me!”

Damn shame what they did to that dog.

Hermione is like the liberal atheist in a religion class.

Emma Thompson is the color of the first act of The Aviator.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“You’re gonna suffer… but you’re gonna be… happy, about it.”

Look at Hermione… she knows.

“Give me the cup.”

“WHAT THE FUCK! You’re not supposed to be thinking that shit in class!”

“Damn it, now she’s gonna give me sex lectures…”

(Seriously though – best reactions go to Hermione.)

“My dear – you’re… into that sort of thing?”

Harry also apparently got “The Grim.”

(Is that a Latino back there? That’s a first for this franchise.)

But what is The Grim?

Diarrhea? Shingles? Chlamydia?

Lupin?! Is it Lupin?!

Somebody please explain The Grim.

ANOTHER BLACK KID!!!

“Taking the form of a giant spectral dog, it’s among the darkest omens in our world.”

Colin:

YOU’RE among the darkest omens in our world. Holy shit!

“It’s the omen – of death.”

Oh, please. That shit looks like Alakazam.

It’s like a wizarding Rorshach test.

And this is where we END PART I.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and Buckbeak, boggarts, broken brooms and a weird moment of foreshadowing that most people might not have caught the first time.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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