Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Part III — “Dat Pub Ho Dat Err’Body Know”

This week, we have another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the third part of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

We begin Part III just after seeing Dumbledore’s (eventual) grave.

Beautiful transition.

Colin:

HEDWIG used BLIZZARD! It’s super effective!

Colin:

Hugo Potter.

Going to Hogsmeade.

He looks like he’s gonna kill people. That’s not a face you make up in a bell tower while cradling your rifle.

Gee, you’d have thought he’d have figured that shit out last time.

I also love that Hogsmeade is basically like senior cocktails were for us. Just excuses to go away for a day and drink.

Nice. They know it’s him.

Which — how does anyone know about this invisibility cloak? I mean, I get how they know it’s him and all, but it’s never really delved into who knows about the cloak and who doesn’t. It seems like something he never tells anyone about, yet — people seem to always catch him while he wears it… unless they’re a teacher.

They’ve got a better way to get there.

We never really see this clock tower used like this ever again, do we? Though kudos to them for using this specific stairwell and not making it one of the same spots they use for all the other scenes.

The Marauder’s Map.

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

The people in this movie have a problem with reading things we can see out loud.

Colin:

Oh, is this gonna be like that stupid diary from Chamber of Secrets? I guess the filmmakers assume you can’t read by yourself, or else you’d be reading the books instead of watching the movies. How often do you look at something and read it out loud to the people around you, unless you were explicitly asked to do so? Makes you look like an idiot.

They filched that shit from Filch’s office in their first year.

(Is Dumbledore doing ballet?)

So I get why Filch would have this and I get why they’d have stolen it. How did they know how to activate it?

Also, wouldn’t it have been cooler if this was just some super important item passed down to each new generation of prankster? I feel like that would’ve been such a more interesting lineage. Because let’s face it — these two are the troublemakers of their year. And so it would be cool if all the people on down just passed it on to whomever the biggest troublemakers were. And then they bestowed it on Harry because of all the shit he gets into. I don’t know, to me that would’ve made for such a better secret history to go along with all the other cool secrets in this school.

There are seven secret passageways into and out of the castle. They recommend –

This one. The one-eyed witch passageway.

I took the one-eyed witch passageway once. I was really drunk.

Colin:

Was that the time you pissed on the wall outside the second floor bathroom?

You make it sound like it only happened once.

“Mischief managed.”

Colin:

I know you studied Latin. Is that actual stuff written there? I see “omnibus” and shit. How did they know Latin? This goes back to the question I had before about how these kids seem to have no formal education in any academic subjects other than history. I’m confused about how they don’t all have second grade vocabularies and how any of them manage to learn another language and stuff like that.

‘Studied Latin’ is a bit of a strong turn of phrase. I took Latin for two years in high school alongside French. The French is all but gone at this point outside of maybe some crossword puzzle help and generally some ability to maybe reason my way through something if I come across it on paper.

Otherwise — Marcus et Cornelia sub arbore sedent. That’s about the extent of my Latin at this point.

Part of me wishes I remembered more, but… we only got so far with these books:

But yeah, I have no idea how they all just knew Latin. Or how Harry knows how to translate this map right now. I mean, maybe you can figure some of it out based on the layout of the school, but otherwise if you don’t know Latin, what fucking good is this map to you after a certain point? Like, “Oh, yeah, there’s Snape, over by the… Ravdere?

I like that you can put it in Screensaver mode just in case someone comes up on you while you have it. Though I feel like a true troublemaker map would just instinctively know what to do when it ends up in the wrong hands. But still, good system.

Why do all secret entrances always have something on top of them? Especially when there’s nothing else around them and they’re in the center of the floor?

Medieval security system.

They’ve got an everlasting gobstopper machine down there?

Important question here, as Harry puts on the cloak and sneaks around this place — how long was that passageway? We never actually know how far he had to walk to get there.

And if he found any Full Restores down there.

Okay, so I found a J.K. Rowling hand-drawn map of what Hogwarts looks like. And apparently Hogsmeade is literally just outside the gate to the school, just past the Quidditch pitch. Like, right there. You pass it on the road in from the train station. So it’s not even a goddamn field trip for these kids. It’s just like, “Hey, you get to go into town for the day.” Which most of them should just be able to do anyway.

Colin:

♫ “Who can take a sunrise….sprinkle it with dew….” ♫

But actually.

Colin:

I always vaguely disliked the guy that sang that song, cause during the song he’s throwing free candy at all the normal kids and then later when it’s just our poor protagonist, he’s all, “That’ll be tuppence.” Fuck him.

There’s a great moment during that song where he just hits one of the kids in the fucking face with the countertop. Check it out. Give it ten seconds from where it starts. Just – bam – right in the fucking face.

No restaurants in sight. Only candy.

Where’s the Hogwarts equivalent of Thai Gardens?

Yoink.

Colin:

Look at Seamus, trying to figure out which of the chocolates have brandy or rum in them.

His momma always said life was like a box of chocolates — if there’s no liquor inside, what’s the point?

Wouldn’t you put that under the cloak? How exactly are you licking that while still invisible?

How does nobody notice this?

The Shrieking Shack.

I legitimately wasn’t sure why this random, spooky house existed other than to keep people away from it, so I looked it up.

Apparently Dumbledore had it built specifically to look haunted so people would stay away from it, and actively encouraged the rumors that it was haunted. And the reason it was called what it was is because people occasionally heard screams from inside, which is because the reason Dumbledore had it built is for Lupin to go to while he was a student during the few days he turned into a werewolf. Which is actually kind of nice of him, to build an entire house for this guy to go through his shit.

Though, couple of questions there…

First… why was Lupin a werewolf as a student? I thought that happened later on, with Greyback. I ask because his lycanthropy is very much coded as homosexuality in the film, so him having gotten it when he was a student to me implies some sort of ‘going out seeking older men’ sort of thing that ended up getting him ‘turned’, so to speak.

But no, looked that up too… apparently Greyback attacked him as a child because he was mad at Lupin’s father, so Lupin was just a werewolf as a kid. Which, okay. So that’s nice of Dumbledore to take his condition into account and allow him to have a place to do this while also maintaining an education. Don’t think any of this is ever mentioned in the film and really would make both Lupin and Dumbledore’s characters that much more fleshed out. But I digress.

Okay, second question — what’s Lupin been using for his monthly transformations when he wasn’t at the school? Does he just have a secluded place to himself that allows him to be away from others?

Third question, more practical — it says that Madame Pomfrey used to escort Lupin here when he was a student. Tell me it doesn’t make complete sense for her to be running a back alley abortion clinic in this building. IT BASICALLY WRITES ITSELF, PEOPLE.

Ha. They’re on an awkward date.

Colin:

Why would you go there? There’s a whole town of stuff and you choose to go look at a dilapidated house from behind some barbed wire like 100 yards out? Why not chill in Hogsmeade?

You just asked why a couple would go on a date to a place called the SHRIEKING Shack.

Colin:

Then again, from what we get in the books, there are like four things in all of Hogsmeade — a pub, a tea room, a joke shop and a candy store. There’s a functional, self-sustaining economy for you.

Plus, the pub was closed to students that day. Everyone was at the candy shop. And who gives a fuck about tea? Plus — alone time. So I get it.

What I don’t get is why there’s barbed wire there even though there’s a clear entrance to it which we see Harry drag Malfoy toward later on. Like, “No trespassing… unless you want to go up the path we have designed for you.”

I also love that Hogsmeade has no purpose other than for students. Tea, liquor, candy and jokes. Also — the kids only seem to go there a few times a year. So how exactly is it self-sustaining?

“You know — I’m gonna take a trip out to Zonko’s today. Really in the mood for some of those dungbombs.”
“But Harry, the kids are crying. Albus Severus has the croup and Lily’s tearing shit off the walls again.”
“Stop nagging me, bitch, I said I need to go to Hogsmeade!”

Aww shit… Malfoy.

How does he always find them? I’m beginning to think he has a thing for Hermione.

And why does Crabbe think he’s on the cover of a boy band album?

They totally look like they just got caught together while trying very hard not to seem like a couple.

Oh she’s ready to fight.

He calls her a “filthy little mudblood” again. Doesn’t really hold much weight when that’s all you use.

Nice hat though, Jeremiah Johnson.

What happened to Goyle?

Is this his Sabbath?

Colin:

What if they remade Elf with Dobby instead of Will Ferrell? Tell me you wouldn’t watch that.

What if they remade Harry Potter but with Will Ferrell instead of Dobby?

Motherfuckers, you know who it is. Why you acting all surprised?

How does the invisibility cloak not come off during all this?

Maybe I’m a sentimentalist, but I enjoy these shots. The actors (and all of us who grew up with the franchise, really) are gonna look back at this and see a snapshot of that period of their lives. It’s nice.

The possibilities of a wizarding mugshot are astounding. I wonder what I’d do in mine.

(Also — “Have you seen this boy?”)

Hogsmeade’s starting to look a lot like Whoville.

It’s Madam Rosmerta. Played by the wonderful Julie Christie.

Colin:

I always got skanky vibes from her in the books. Like she was dat pub ho dat err’body know.

When she look like Julie Christie, err’body wanna fuck wid it.

Also, let’s pause to appreciate “dat pub ho.”

Horse shit.

She’s quite fiery.

I guess you had to give her something to do if you were gonna cast Julie Christie.

Does no one care that he’s just brazenly here without a permission slip?

They tell her Sirius is looking for Harry.

HARRY’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE.

Naturally Harry sneaks in to listen.

Of course nobody questions why the door opened like that or that loud breathing they hear.

McG explains that James and Lily were marked for death by Voldie and went into hiding. (Godric’s Hollow.) And Sirius (allegedly) told Voldie where they were.

Colin:

Isn’t it great when people recap all the necessary info while someone else is eavesdropping?

The best part about it is that McGonagall says some of it like, “Obviously you know all this,” like she’s gonna rush through it. Like it’s almost a compulsion to get all the exposition out. I have no problem with it. It’s just the way they did it. They could have reworded it to make it sound less like plain exposition for Harry’s sake.

You know, I kinda like how they handled shooting this from inside the cloak. They make it look invisible from his end, which theoretically it would be since he can see where he’s going, and you never really ever question the believability of it. That’s really good going right there by them.

Also, why is Professor McGonagall in the same room as Cornelius Fudge? And why is Dumbledore not present? How did this combination happen and why was Madam Rosmerta the one chosen to be in this scene? It could have literally been anyone.

I was gonna say maybe because McGonagall is just a true-blue drinker and Dumbledore seems more like a teetotaler, but apparently in the book Flitwick and Hagrid are also in this scene. Just a weird pairing. But maybe it’s just that they all happen to be at the bar at the same time (because I guess this is one of the only bars in the wizarding world?) and just start talking about it. And maybe it’s the movie playing it the way it does that makes it seem as random as it is.

Fudge says Sirius also killed Peter Pettigrew.

Technically he would have killed way more people than that. Maybe specify why Pettigrew is so important in this case.

That’s all they found of Pettigrew.

Colin:

I guess they don’t know what Peter Pettigrew can do with his little finger.

Also, given how people tend to disintegrate in this franchise, did no one question why they found just the finger?

But the worst part – “Sirius Black was, and remains to this day – Harry Potter’s godfather.”

Explain to me how that’s the worst part. I haven’t seen a single Italian in this movie. That title is practically meaningless. No joke, I haven’t heard from my godfather in like ten years. Some people have celebrities as godparents to their children. How is that worse than a convicted murderer seeking to kill a teenager?

Colin:

Yeah, I didn’t get that either. Not only that, but what’s with all the Christianity popping up here and there? It’s pretty well established that magic isn’t kosher with the church, but we’ve got magical people with godfathers and they all celebrate Christmas and stuff. Aren’t they all atheists? Or pagans, or whatever? They don’t mention God or anything, but they’re doing all this Christian stuff cause…how can you have a chapter that takes place during winter and skip Christmas? I guess I never got this. They celebrate Easter, too. So, the birth and resurrection of Christ are apparently big with wizards. But we don’t know why.

A Hasidic Jew wizard would be awesome.

“Grindelwald, remember to bring the bagels!”

“Goyle, my god, take off your shoes before you get dirt all over the floor!”

Religion’s not really a thing in this world, so why is the godfather such an important term? I know this scene is entirely for Harry, but seriously. Unless you’re a blood relation, that relationship is spurious at best. And I know the proper way to explain it is ‘best friends with James Potter and was made godfather to Harry’, but the way they throw the exposition out there is actually one of the few bad things this movie does.

Why do you look like you’re about to throw up? You’ve gotten crazy revelations all the way until this point. It’s not like he’s literally your uncle. Without you knowing specifically the relationship your father and he had, you’re kinda overreacting to a word.

Then again, this motherfucker overreacts to everything, so I guess I kinda get it.

So they’re all just gonna chalk that one up to ‘the wind’?

Was the point really necessary?

“Fuck yo carols, dwarves!”

Colin:

What’s with people in this franchise being unable to control their emotions? Okay, so you just heard that the guy supposedly coming to kill you is also your godfather. That doesn’t give you license to bowl over a bunch of midget carolers.

What does give you that license (asking for a friend)?

“Coming through. Sorry, we only fight for house elves. Out of the way.”

Hogsmeade looks like Diagon Alley shot from the other side.

Which is not a bad thing at all. Just making the observation.

There’s also a real focus on triangles here in the design.

Also, is that a cow?

“Harry, what’s wrong? What can we do to help?”

“An invisible handjob would be nice.”

I – I’m sorry. That was absolutely hilarious to me. If you didn’t think that was funny – I don’t know what to tell you.

Colin:

I was waiting for that the whole time, from the moment she started walking over. Just, “That’s my dick.”

Going to point out once again which relationship the movies prefer and how much better this one lands than the other one.

Way to be a friend, Ron.

Why is she not the main character of this franchise?

“He was their friend… and he betrayed them. He was their friend!”

Getting mad doesn’t make you any less of an orphan, buddy.

“I hope he finds me. Because when he does, I’m gonna be ready. When he does, I’m gonna KILL HIM!”

Colin:

Errrrr, I’m Daniel Radcliffe, and I like to make THIS face! ERRRRR!

When did this become The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford?

This is the only movie that uses transitions like this, and I like them all a lot. And it sets up the tree for the third act without you realizing it.

It’s time to learn some shit. For once.

The joke being that this is happening outside of class. Which is also a hallmark of this franchise — the only real learning happens outside the classroom.

Lupin says it’s advanced magic, “way beyond the ordinary wizarding level.”

Really? You mean to tell me this isn’t on the test? What kind of shit is actually on that O.W.L., then? It’s not exactly B.C. Calc, now is it?

(P.S. Totally got a 5 on my B.C. Calc exam without knowing what the fuck I was doing or understanding any of it. Suck it, math!)

Colin:

P.P.S. Totally took AP Calc but didn’t take the exam. Suck it, math!

Also, how exactly does one TAKE a Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. exam, anyway?

In the event of a werewolf surprising you from the bushes at the bus stop, do you:

A) Attempt to reason with the creature

B) Run away and hope you encounter a slow person along the way for it to kill instead

C) Drop to your knees and beg to suck its dick for your freedom

D) All of the above

E) Do a werewolf mating call and hope it doesn’t mount you

F) Murray Abraham

Colin:

I always know what F is gonna be on every one of Mike’s multiple choice questions.

Lupin teaches him about some Expecto Patronum. I can understand. Because on Cinco de Mayo, I expecto some Patronum too.

He explains that a patronus is created from a very happy memory, and that it’s used to have the Dementor feed off of that instead of them. Because apparently Dementors feed off of happiness and slowly suck out your soul and life force as they do.

So basically Dementors are like mother-in-laws. Amirite, guys?!!!

“Go web go!”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Love the shot choices here.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if this is all a joke and that trunk is just Lupin’s stash of liquor?

“I thought this would protect me against Dementors?”

“No, there’s no such spell. You’re fucked! But at least we can get shitfaced, right?!”

Did he turn whale dicks into candles?

It’s really funny that he just keeps a boggart in the office like The Gimp. “Bring out the boggart. We got some shit to do.”

So seriously — what is the deal with boggarts (*extremely Jerry Seinfeld voice*)? Do they have the power to do anything to you? Do you just pass out from fear? Can it actually perform a Dementor’s kiss on you? Because then it’s a powerful thing. Then it’s like Ditto. Turn that shit into a basilisk – you’re dead. But if not, then it’s just some asshole who turns into shit to fuck with you. You’re afraid of clowns, it’ll turn into a giant clown and just chill in the apartment all day. Look over and it’s just sitting on the couch, staring at you intently. Nothing else.

Colin:

There was some more inconsistency. Cause the Dementor does start messing with Harry and he passes out. But when the boggart turns into the moon for Lupin, nothing happens. So for him, it seems like it’s merely the image of what he fears, but Harry’s “image” seems to be able to suck life force as well.

Why are there no wizard stand-up comedians? It’s not even like these people have real jobs they can eschew in order to disappoint their parents. Why are there no funny wizards?

I know you bring up a real question about boggarts, but I’m more interested in whether or not any of these wizards have a tight 15 they can do whenever there’s an open mic night at Madam Rosmerta’s.

Isn’t this where they keep Moody next movie?

What up, Humphrey?

Lupin just travels with this thing. Never know when you’re gonna need a boggart.

You think he takes that thing… Across the Pacific?

One thing I just realized — Slytherin’s locket in Deathly Hallows seems to operate a lot like a boggart. Which means that at some point over the course of these films, Ron’s greatest fear goes from spiders to ‘what if my best friend fucks the woman I’m in love with?’, which is perhaps the most complicated representation of fear we see in the entire series.

And also the most batshit insane scene in the series. But we’ll get to that soon enough.

Expecto Patr-oh-no, I fucked it up.

Maybe go practice in Diagonelly, you mealy-mouthed fuck.

There should just be a montage of him fucking up the spell and passing out.

Also, passing out is like, super bad for you.

Colin:

Nobody makes the first jump.

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

I really thought Lupin was gay the first time I watched this. That’s just how he’s coded when you watch it. But also, always very nice and understanding, gentle, has chocolate on his person at all times, likes to take long walks in the woods with male students…

Anyway, he asks Harry what memory he chose.

Colin:

“The first time I got my dick sucked.”

He actually says “The first time I rode a broom.”

Colin:

What did I say?

It’s funny – that’s the same look he gives later when Harry uses the Expelliarmus in Deathly Hallows as they’re trying to keep Harry’s identity a secret.

Harry has another memory…

(Really poor choice having him say that while looking at that candle.)

He’s got that Andrew Garfield hair going on right now.

I was gonna ask why it took all that effort to find a memory, but… he lived under the fucking stairs for 11 years. I get it.

These skeleton dick candles are really ruining the mood here.

“Oh you are SO fucked!”

What if people had patronuses when they ejaculated?

I know that’s a joke, but that’s also a serious question I would like to offer up for debate.

Also, what’s funny is I wrote that while going back through and reading these articles, and then I realized that immediately below it on the next screenshot, Colin wrote this:

Colin:

PS, you guys. I say, “Expecto Patronum” when I jizz. My patronus is the shape of silly string.

We originally wrote our comments on these movies months apart and now even years later when I go back and make jokes, I realize we still end up on the exact same wavelenghts completely unintentionally.

That’s why this series will always be my favorite.

I know it would absolutely kill the tone of the scene, but I think it would be really funny if we just randomly cut outside right now to someone walking on the grounds and wondering what the fuck is going on in this room.

What if someone walked in on this right now?

Because it is, quite literally, what it looks like.

Well there’s a face.

Someone’s ascending to the Heaviside Layer.

Can you just direct a Dementor like that? Is it like when you spray a hose and your dog runs immediately into the stream and opens its mouth?

Nobody puts Humphrey Boggart in the corner.

“That’s right, Harry, patronus away those feelings in the clos… err, chest.”

Where are they having this lesson? Dumbledore’s office? Or is that the astronomy tower? Dumbledore’s final office.

Tender moment.

Harry says he chose a moment of his parents talking to him.

Colin:

THAT was your chosen memory? Jesus, kid, didn’t you ever get a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas, or something? Oh. Right. You were a slave.

Mad Eye Moody got a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas .(

Nothing in particular. Just talking.

I’d have gone with the first time you got your dick sucked.

Just saying.

It’s also weird how he’s still fixating on the parents, who he for sure doesn’t remember because he was quite literally an infant when they died, and not, you know… focusing on the two friends who literally rode with him to death and all the good times they had.

They got rid of that pendulum in the later films, didn’t they? It stopped being thematically relevant, I guess.

Colin:

That cat has a butt face.

Colin:

Chewbacca put on some weight. Oh. Hey, Hagrid.

What is he wearing? Buckbeak’s father?

Also, that TIE.

That thing has roll up pant legs?

Buckbeak’s been sentenced to death.

Oh, so that’s why he’s dressed like that. That’s what he wears for a trial hearing.

That trial took a long ass time. Malfoy got attacked in like September. And it’s already like winter and they’re not gonna kill him until like… what is the timeline on this movie? Do they even make it to the end of the year?

Absolutely gorgeous shots, though.

I mean, shame about Buckbeak and all, but – man, look at this shot.

Apparently we’ve hit the Terrence Malick portion of our movie.

Is he jerking off again?

This is one of the funniest shots of the franchise to me. The look of intent on his face and the cookie in his hand. Hilarious.

Colin:

What? Why is Ron all crazy all of a sudden?

The spiders. They want him to tap dance.

“You get those spiders, Ron.”

Colin:

This is the look that means, “Okay…” but really should mean, “You don’t respect your friends at all, do you, asshole?”

I get that look way more than I should.

So he’s just chilling and looking at the map? Is this what you do when you don’t have TV?

Also, what is TV in this world? Do they just watch regular programming? Or is there like, a special series of wizard shows? Sitcoms, late night talk shows, whatever.

Shit, if we make this a series I could go nuts just figuring out the programming for what would be on TV. Why are we not making this show?

Lost wands?

There’s a lost and found just for wands? How many goddamn wands get lost to necessitate an entire room for them?

Also, when did this map become English?

Does this only show people who are moving? Where’s everyone else? Do you have to tell it who you want to see? Apparently not, based on what’s about to happen.

Also, so many classrooms listed on here that we never see and whose teachers never meet. I know you only have a fixed amount of time to get your plot across, but we literally only ever go to four classes in this entire franchise: Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Divination and Transfiguration, and even then transfiguration goes away after the second movie. We get one instance of Herbology, but that’s for plot purposes, we get one of Hagrid’s class, which is also for plot purposes… I don’t actually think there’s anything more than those. Five classes, the entire time. That’s insane. Oh, wait. We got Charms in the first movie. Swish and flick. So that’s six. Six classes!

Oh, shit, son!

He’s supposed to be dead.

Yeah, put those timbs on. Time to get to work.

I know your first instinct is to do this… but maybe go tell a teacher? Like, sure, you might get the map taken away, but you clearly have a relationship with Lupin now, so go to him. A dead guy walking around the halls of the school… kind of a big deal.

I like the little lens flare from the wand.

That rug really ties the room together.

You can hear the fucking footprints! You already know what it is.

Colin:

Wait, wait, wait. “ROOM OF DOOM?” THE FUCK IS THAT? Why doesn’t THAT get its own chapter in the books?

There’s also presumably a Room of Mischief up at the top too.

Also, the Room of Doom is right up the hall from the Detention room. I wonder if those are related.

Maybe if you don’t see anything in front of you look up or down?

Also, based on the two shots right above this one, how do you not see a rat or anything moving in the hall in front of you?

Great how they build tension here, though. Filmmaking 101.

Ignoring the fact that he somehow didn’t see the movement happening in front of him, wouldn’t your first thought then be ‘secret passage underneath me’? Because you literally encountered something in the pipes last year. There are so many things that don’t make sense about this, but as I ask them I realize I also have to take into account Harry’s general incompetence in practically everything other than getting lucky and overreacting to shit.

Uh oh.

“Mischief managed. Nox.”

That spell only reminded me of one thing. But I don’t want to go making obscure references to 1915 French serials that only I seem to have an appreciation for.

I love how he does this. It’s funny because this implies that he was just walking the hallways in the dark. Like, wouldn’t you’ve seen Harry’s wand from like, halfway up the hall? Unless he saw it, turned out his like, “Oh I’m gonna catch this motherfucker.” Whatever. Moment works.

Colin:

Snape got the drop on him. I’d shit myself right there. This is why I could never trust myself as a wizard. People would sneak up on me, whether seriously or as a joke, and I’d say, “Avada Kedavra” as a reflex.

That’s what it is. Someoene sneaks up on me, it’s like Zombieland. Just – boom, right through the fucking chest.

“Oh… Neville, I’m so sorry. They can sectum-sew that back together, can’t they?”

Colin:

Do you think anyone ever double taps with Avada Kedavra?

I would love to see someone kill a person, stand over the body, then zap one more time as they walk away. Just as the wand is passing over the body, nonchalantly. If Voldemort did that, I’d be like, “Fuck Harry, THIS motherfucker needs to win.”

“Potter, what are you doing wandering the corridors at night?”

Remember when that was such a scary offense in the first movie? Now it’s like, “Motherfucker, what are you up to? Walk of shame? Is it a walk of shame. You can tell me. Was she a Hufflepuff? That’s all right. I know. You like those Hufflepuff girls.”

Honestly though – you know those Hufflepuff girls are the most DTF. They’re the ones who are either most likely to believe a dude’s bullshit or the ones most likely to be very casual about it. The Ravenclaws are the ones with the daddy issues. The Gryffindors are the ones who always go out with three of their girlfriends and never let someone get near them. And Slytherins are the ones who are like, “You’re not my type at all, but fine. Twenty minutes, astronomy tower, don’t make me late for my next class.” And then they’ll ignore you the entire time and then go about their business as if you did them the favor. You’d think that would be the Ravenclaws, but it’s not. It’s the Slytherins.

Colin:

I’m a Ravenclaw, according to that long ass quiz we all took my freshman year. Cho Chang is also a Ravenclaw. What chick was a Hufflepuff? I can name three of them. Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, and Professor Sprout. Great track record, there. Not to mention the oversized vagina thing. No wonder Cedric ends up dating outside his house.

I always thought that Slytherins just wanted to suck evil cock. I mean, Pansy Parkinson? With a name like that, you know she’ll drop trou for anyone with priors.

It’s tricky to put Gryffindors in a bunch. You get Hermione, who’s awkward, Parvati Patil, who wants the dick, Lavender Brown, who gets murdered…

I think I’ll stick with the Ravenclaws. Cho’s great. Also, Filius Flitwick is the head of Ravenclaw House. Fuck yeah.

I love when someone’s big identifying characteristic is that they get murdered.

“Oh, nothing. Just out going to fuck your sister.”

“Extraordinarily like your father you are, Potter.”

… well, that was unintentional.

(Also, what’s with the Gilbert Gottfried eyes?)

Snape says Harry’s father “strut” about the castle.

“My dad didn’t strut.”

How the hell would you know? I’m pretty sure Snape is in a much better position than you are to know that sort of thing, even if he is exaggerating a bit.

Colin:

I think that’s the Gryffindor trait. Being overly confident about shit you don’t necessarily know and being an asshole to people. We’ll see a little later on how Harry can be stubborn about something when in reality he doesn’t know what the FUCK he’s talking about.

“Now, if you don’t mind, I’d appreciate it if you could lower your wand.”

Sure. Take that tone.

That’s awesome.

I like that we’re at a point now where these two get to be overly antagonistic toward one another and we’re not even pretending like the teacher/student relationship applies anymore.

“Tear out your pockets.”

“What’s this?”

“Spare bit of parchment.”

He’s starting to get a mouth on him, this one.

Also, this line of questioning always made me think of this scene.

“Reveal your secrets.”

Gee, sure sounds like legit magic to me, doesn’t it?

“Read it.”

“Messers Mooney –”

Paul Mooney?

“– Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs –”

Sounds like a law firm for people who suffer from mesothelioma.

“– offer their compliments to Professor Snape, and request that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.”

This moment is amusing because midway through him saying it he gets this smile on his face like, “I get to say this to him and it’s totally okay because he’s making me do it.” I love when you get to basically curse at or insult a teacher and they can’t say anything because they sanctioned it.

“Why you insolent little –”

“Professor.”

I think he was gonna say “shit,” actually. Insolent little shit. Insolent little professor doesn’t make much sense at all.

“Well, well – Lupin. Out for a little walk –”

“In the moonlight, are we?”

I love what he does with his eyes as he says that.

Also, how fucking thick is Harry that he doesn’t already know what the deal is with Lupin?

What’s he thinking right now? There’s a lot to this moment. They’re colleagues, but he also used to bully him something fierce twenty years ago. And then there’s also the secret werewolf element to it, that Snape is hinting at. Plus the wordplay, which I’m sure makes part of him go, “You fucking dick.”

Snape says he confiscated this. It seems to have dark magic in it. Which is Lupin’s area of expertise.

You wish that were your expertise, though.

Colin:

They didn’t make Lupin look poor enough. In the book, they’re constantly reminding you — “This motherfucker’s on food stamps. Look at his shitty clothes.”

Pretty sure he’s wearing Mr. Rogers’ sweater.

Lupin says that’s nothing big. It’s just a piece of parchment designed to insult whoever tries to read it.

“I suspect it’s a Zonko product.”

The way he over-embellishes that is suspect.

Also, what other product would it be? There’s only one fucking joke shop in this entire universe.

“Nevertheless – I shall investigate any hidden qualities it may possess.”

Game. Lupin.

“Harry, would you come with me, please?”

Love what Snape does with his wand here.

“I’m onto you.”

Colin:

Any scene with Snape is great. He just put out his light like a champ. ZING MOTHERFUCKERS.

What did they do with all the desks during the Humphrey Boggart scene?

So they just randomly walked to the middle of the classroom to have this conversation?

Lupin asks Harry why he never turned the map in. Did he never think that, in the hands of Sirius Black, this is a map that leads right to him?

No. And that’s a really dumb question when we get our reveal later.

“Professor, just so you know, I don’t think that map always works. Earlier on it showed someone in the castle. Someone I know to be dead.”

“And really, who might that be?”

“Peter Pettigrew.”

“That’s impossible.”

That’s some heavy shit, right there. Gotta have a reverse tracking shot.

This eliminates the question I was gonna ask before, which is why Harry didn’t just look for Pettigrew again later. So this means Lupin is tracking Pettigrew’s movements and figures out who he is and then tells Sirius and that’s how they enact their plan. Makes sense.

Ah, Divination.

Or, as I like to call it, every class.

Hermione’s like, “I know what I see. Impending death, right?”

Very condescending. Like, “You see death in everything. This is bullshit. I’m only doing this so I can get a good grade.”

“My dear, from the first moment you stepped foot in my class, I sensed that you did not possess the proper spirit for the noble art of divination.”

“Ah, you see, there – you may be young in years, but the heart that beats beneath your bosom is as shriveled as an old maid. Your soul is dry as the pages of the books you so desperately cleave.”

“All right, good talk, I’ll see you out there.”

Colin:

Say what you want about Trelawney, but she just shut Hermione down like no one ever has and nobody ever will again.

I love that little extra pause, just in case she’s got something else in the chamber to unload on her.

I mean, yeah, I’d be pissed too. She basically just took your soul out of your body and curb-stomped it.

It’s rare you get to see someone absolutely body Hermione like that.

And it’s kind of a shame, because Hermione is absolutely right about divination. Though you do wonder if this is a pre-req class, since she’s taking something else at this same time and could easily just be taking only that instead.

What do those things cost?

Didn’t flip a table? She’ll learn.

Big fan of this classroom design.

What’s carved into those slats?

“Have I said something?”

I don’t know if I respect that more or less than if she was aware of how savage that was.

Oh man, and the stairs. This might be the best classroom in the entire school.

Though this begs the question — how’d Firenze get all the way up here when he became the Divination teacher?

Nice shots.

It rolled off a table, down a hallway and down a half a flight of stairs and still didn’t break? What is that ball made out of? Reluctance?

But actually, what is that? People signing their names in the walls?

Or are those some sorts of spells Trelawney carved into the walls to keep the bad vibes out?

Harry goes to take the palantir back…

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

I like how she’s just got a cat chilling in the office.

Professors always have dogs, but very rarely are cats just hanging about.

For some reason the only comment I felt was appropriate for this photo was:

“Hassa Nagila” — Snake Bar Mitzvah.

I want to thank you all for sticking through me during this dark time.

Oh shit – she’s prophecizing.

Don’t interrupt her when she’s prophecizing.

What she says is: “Tonight, he who betrayed his friends, whose heart rots with murder… shall break free. Innocent blood shall be spilt… and servant and master shall be reunited once more.”

Colin:

HAIRBALL! Best ending to a prophecy ever.

It’s also funny that she basically just described the ending to the next movie. An innocent will die and slave will be reunited with his master. That’s Goblet of Fire.

But apparently all she’s saying is that Pettigrew is gonna run away and go back to Voldemort. Something he could’ve done basically any time he wanted. There’s really not much stopping him at this point.

“I’m so sorry dear boy – did you say something?”

That’s a lot of teacups.

“What the fuck was THAT?”

So the funny thing about Trelawney is… she’s only made two actual prophecies in her life. The first was her saying that someone (Harry) would come along to defeat Voldemort. Which is the only reason she has a job. That’s the equivalent of that one athlete who hits the one clinching shot to win a championship and gets free meals for life in that city. But other than that, she’s just kind of on staff and not doing much of anything of value. And then, right here, she makes her second prophecy. Which, you might as well have let a tree fall in the forest. I mean, she’s right and all, but still.

Also, since the deal with prophecies seems to be that you don’t remember making them… could she just be making them all the time and just not have anyone there to hear them because she lives alone with a cat?

Love the transitions in this movie.

Colin:

I can’t see those three shots in a row and not feel a Pokémon battle coming on.

Petition to reimagine Pokemon Red/Blue/Yellow with these characters. Harry is Ash. Draco is Gary. Dumbledore is Professor Oak. Hermione would be Misty (more from the show than the game). Ron is Brock, clearly.

I love this shot. One crow goes one way, the other crow goes the other way, and this guy’s sayin’, “Whaddya want from me?”

That’s just Filch with a mask on, isn’t it?

From his secret executioner/luchador career.

Colin:

Hey, it’s Medieval Melvin! Seriously, with that outfit? Are we to believe that this guy is an animal executioner, and he wears that shit every day?

Why is he the first person we see with tattoos?

Love these shots.

And there’s Malfoy, watching.

Why would he be so invested in this random animal’s death?

And apart from that… why would you be hiding up here? I know the whole thing is horse shit, but during state executions the victim is allowed to watch the sentence be carried out.

Uh oh – she’s gonna fuck somebody up.

Colin:

Look at Ron’s stupid sweater!

That’s great! She’s ready to use her wand AND beat the shit out of him with her bare hands.

You guys really can’t do anything except let what’s gonna go down happen.

What if she used a spell that made him gay or something? She’d be the only one who knew it anyway. Latents Homoeroticus or something. One of those things with no effect now, but in two years, at the Christmas Ball or whatever…

Or actually, just make his dick shrink to the size of a thimble. What could he do about it? Tell people?

OH MY GOD LOOK AT THESE SHOTS!

Far cry from that first scene on Privet Drive, isn’t it?

Nice wand.

And nice Trainspotting extra.

WHAM. Clocked that motherfucker in the FACE.

Wow, that actually looks like she cracks him in the face.

Colin:

Hermione, you get 50 points for not using magic.

Has anyone (except his father, of course) ever laid hands on Malfoy like that?

He had that bird put to death for not even half of that. But Hermione did it and he’s just gonna take that shit. Why? Because she’s a fucking boss.

Seriously, what happened to Goyle, though?

“That felt good.”

This movie is really the one that allows the full character of Hermione to shine through. In the first two movies she’s entirely teacher’s pet, Tracy Flick who also happens to be friends with the two of them. But here you see the totality of just how fucking great she is, and I think that too often gets lost in the shuffle when we talk about how good this movie is and how important it is for the franchise.

They’re gonna Eiffel Tower the shit out of her tonight.

This is a really nice moment. Hermione gets to be a person on top of being a boss who just punched a dude in the fucking face.

Colin:

Since when is Hagrid’s hut here? Didn’t it used to be like RIGHT on the forest? Why is it here now? It’s in a completely different place.

Maybe the grounds like to change like the stairs?

I’m also not sure it’s ever here again, either.

Is that his last meal or something?

“Why don’t we just set him free?”

“They’d know it was me. Dumbledore’d get into trouble.”

Would Dumbledore get into trouble? I feel like that would just be on you. And will they really do anything to you a year removed from throwing you into Azkaban for no reason?

Colin:

Seriously, the more we hear about the magical government, the more it sounds like fascism. And it really doesn’t take all that much to plunge it into a full on dystopian nightmare by the end of the fifth book.

My favorite is that Fudge was like, “Nah, Harry, we don’t fuck with people who broke laws to get back at their aunts! But we do throw groundskeepers into prison and get bribed by rich white motherfuckers into killing animals.”

Do we ever see where Hagrid sleeps?

Colin:

What in the fuck is that thing Hagrid just fed?

Didn’t you know? Hagrid shoots tentacle porn on the side.

Colin:

It looks like a fucked up Shuckle. A….Fuckle.

I would get the fuckle on outta there if that thing were in my foyer.

Oh, and Hagrid also has Scabbers. Because we can’t forget about Scabbers. Not with the third act coming up.

Hermione says that means he owes someone an apology.

“Next time I see Crookshanks, I’ll let him know.”

“I meant ME!”

So… is the thing with Pettigrew that other people keep finding him and bringing him back to Ron and he can’t get away?

Imagine that subplot. Pettigrew having to be a rat for all this time and trying to get back to Voldemort and then getting thwarted by all this random stuff. It’s basically a screwball comedy.

Oh shit, someone threw an Omanyte at them!

Colin:

There’s a Super Nerd outside? Guess he’s keeping the Dome Fossil for himself.

That’s a Helix Fossil!

Colin:

No, let’s not worry about who’s throwing rocks at our heads.

Here they come.

You motherfuckers gotta go.

Since when does Hagrid’s hut have a back door?

A back door that leads off a cliff?

This is some Wizard of Oz shit.

He must have renovated this. It’s bigger, it’s in a different place… this is a completely different hut.

It’s weird that he’s growing pumpkins in like, March.

And that it took six months to sentence an animal to death and yet pretty soon Harry is gonna use one spell and be on trial in less than like, two days.

People don’t talk about how this is fully a Halloween movie. And there really aren’t very many straight up Halloween movies out there. Not in the family movie sense. It’s kind of an untapped market.

I love this moment. That look back. Like, “You motherfuckers better go now.”

That’s right Hermione. Feel the burn.

Why did I feel the need to repeat shots to make it seem like Hermione was doing pushups on the pumpkins?

Why do I do any of the things that I do?

You guys know crows remember human faces, right?

Love these Wizard of Oz references.

I still have no idea what’s up with all these pumpkins. Is this like a side business for Hagrid? It’s totally bizarre that there are pumpkins everywhere this year and we never see them again after this.

We also have zero fucking clue what time of year this is. The most we know is that it’s sometime in the spring, based on the seasonal Whomping Willow transitions. But like… Quidditch, exams, House Cup… none of that is remotely something that matter now and honestly, take out the transitions and this literally could still be Halloween based on how little the school year actually matters to the plot of this film.

“I thought I just saw – never mind.”

Other people might go crazy seeing what she just did. Not Hermione Granger. She’s prepared for that.

Amazing that no one sees them. They’re RIGHT THERE. There’s not much else around for a ways. It’s not hard to notice three moving objects with those colors.