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Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Part III — “Dat Pub Ho Dat Err’Body Know”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Part three.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the third part of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

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We begin Part III just after seeing Dumbledore’s grave.

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Beautiful transition.

Colin:

HEDWIG used BLIZZARD! It’s super effective!

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Colin:

Hugo Potter.

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Going to Hogsmeade.

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Jesus. He looks like he’s gonna kill people. That’s not a face you make up in a bell tower while cradling your rifle.

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Gee, you’d have thought he’d have figured that shit out last time.

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I also love that Hogsmeade is basically like senior cocktails were for us. Just excuses to go away for a day and drink.

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Nice. They know it’s him.

Which — how does anyone know about this invisibility cloak? I mean, I get how they know it’s him and all, but it’s never really delved into who knows about the cloak. It seems like something he never tells anyone about, yet — people seem to always catch him while he wears it… unless they’re a teacher.

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They’ve got a better way to get there.

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The Marauder’s Map.

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“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

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The people in this movie have a problem with reading things we can see out loud.

Colin:

Oh, is this gonna be like that stupid diary from Chamber of Secrets? I guess the filmmakers assume you can’t read by yourself, or else you’d be reading the books instead of watching the movies. How often do you look at something and read it out loud to the people around you, unless you were explicitly asked to do so? Makes you look like a retard.

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They filched that shit from Filch’s office in their first year.

(Is Dumbledore doing ballet?)

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There are seven secret passageways into and out of the castle. They recommend –

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This one. The one-eyed witch passageway.

I took the one-eyed witch passageway once. I was really drunk.

Colin:

Was that the time you pissed on the wall outside the second floor bathroom?

You make it sound like it only happened once.

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“Mischief managed.”

Colin:

I know you studied Latin. Is that actual stuff written there? I see “omnibus” and shit. How did they know Latin? This goes back to the question I had before about how these kids seem to have no formal education in any academic subjects other than history. I’m confused about how they don’t all have second grade vocabularies and how any of them manage to learn another language and stuff like that.

Marcus et Cornelia sub arbore sedent.

Ecce Romani represent!

That’s about the extent of my Latin at this point.

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Why do all secret entrances always have something on top of them? Especially when there’s nothing else around them and they’re in the center of the floor?

Medieval security system.

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He’s got an everlasting gobstopper machine down there?

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Colin:

♫ “Who can take a sunrise….sprinkle it with dew….” 

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But actually.

Colin:

I always vaguely disliked the guy that sang that song, cause during the song he’s throwing free candy at all the normal kids and then later when it’s just our poor protagonist, he’s all, “That’ll be tuppence.” Fuck him. 

There’s a great moment during that song where he just hits one of the kids in the fucking face with the countertop. Check it out. Give it ten seconds from where it starts. Just – bam – right in the fucking face.

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Yoink.

Colin:

Look at Seamus, trying to figure out which of the chocolates have brandy or rum in them.

His momma always said life was like a box of chocolates — if there’s no liquor inside, what’s the point?

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How does nobody notice that?

Also, why is he holding it outside the cloak?

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The Shrieking Shack.

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Ha. They’re on an awkward date.

Colin:

Why would you go there? There’s a whole town of stuff and you choose to go look at a dilapidated house from behind some barbed wire like 100 yards out? Why not chill in Hogsmeade?

You just asked why a couple would go on a date to a place called the SHRIEKING Shack.

Colin:

Then again, from what we get in the books, there are like four things in all of Hogsmeade — a pub, a tea room, a joke shop and a candy store. There’s a functional, self-sustaining economy for you. 

Plus, the pub was closed to students that day. Everyone was at the candy shop. And who gives a fuck about tea? Plus — alone time. So I get it.

What I don’t get is why there’s barbed wire there even though there’s a clear entrance to it which we see Harry drag Malfoy toward later on. Like, “No trespassing… unless you want to go up the path we have designed for you.”

I also love that Hogsmeade has no purpose other than for students. Tea, liquor, candy and jokes. Also — the kids only seem to go there a few times a year. So how exactly is it self-sustaining?

“You know — I’m gonna take a trip out to Zonko’s today. Really in the mood for some of those dungbombs.”
“But Harry, the kids are crying. Albus Severus has the croup and Lily’s tearing shit off the walls again.”
“Stop nagging me, bitch, I said I need to go to Hogsmeade!”

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Aww shit… Malfoy.

How does he always find them? I’m beginning to think he has a thing for Hermione.

And why does Crabbe think he’s on the cover of a boy band album?

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Well I didn’t mean to make it awkward. I was just noticing…

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Oh she’s ready to fight.

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He calls her a “filthy little mudblood” again. Doesn’t really hold much weight when that’s all you use.

Colin:

Continuing my string of comments about Hermione’s menstruation…do you think one of her periods would be at all distinguishable from mud butt?

I would answer and make a comment, but I’d like to point out to everyone the brilliant pun that is “string of comments” up there. THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE, PEOPLE.

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What happened to Goyle?

Is this his Sabbath?

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Colin:

What if they remade Elf with Dobby instead of Will Ferrell? Tell me you wouldn’t watch that.

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How does the invisibility cloak not come off during all this?

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Maybe I’m a sentimentalist, but I enjoy these shots. The actors (and all of us who grew up with the franchise, really) are gonna look back at this and see a snapshot of that period of their lives. It’s nice.

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The possibilities of a wizarding mugshot are astounding. I wonder what I’d do in mine.

(Also — “Have you seen this boy?” Dun dun dun dun dun.)

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Hogsmeade’s starting to look a lot like Whoville.

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It’s Madam Rosmerta.

Played by the wonderful Julie Christie.

Colin:

I always got skanky vibes from her in the books. Like she was dat pub ho dat err’body know.

When she look like Julie Christie, err’body wanna fuck wid it.

Also, let’s pause to appreciate “dat pub ho.”

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Horse shit.

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She’s quite fiery.

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Does no one care that he’s just brazenly here without a permission slip?

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They tell her Sirius is looking for Harry.

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Naturally Harry sneaks in to listen.

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Of course nobody questions why the door opened like that or that loud breathing they hear.

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McG explains that James and Lily were marked for death by Voldie and went into hiding. (Godric’s Hollow.) And Sirius (allegedly) told Voldie where they were.

Colin:

Isn’t it great when people recap all the necessary info while someone else is eavesdropping? 

See, the best part about it is that McGonagall says some of it like, “Obviously you know all this,” like she’s gonna rush through it. Like it’s almost a compulsion to get all the exposition out. I have no problem with it. It’s just the way they did it. They could have reworded it to make it sound less like plain exposition for Harry’s sake.

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Also, why is Professor McGonagall in the same room as Cornelius Fudge? And why is Dumbledore not present? How did this combination happen and why was Madam Rosmerta the one chosen to be in this scene? It could have literally been anyone.

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Sirius also killed Peter Pettigrew.

Technically he would have killed way more people than that. Maybe specify why Pettigrew is so important in this case.

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That’s all they found of Pettigrew.

Colin:

I guess they don’t know what Peter Pettigrew can do with his little finger.

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But the worst part – “Sirius Black was, and remains to this day – Harry Potter’s godfather.”

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Explain to me how that’s the worst part. I haven’t seen a single Italian in this movie. That title is practically meaningless. No joke, I haven’t heard from my godfather in like ten years. Some people have celebrities as godparents to their children. How is that worse than a convicted murderer seeking to kill a teenager?

Colin:

Yeah, I didn’t get that either. Not only that, but what’s with all the Christianity popping up here and there? It’s pretty well established that magic isn’t kosher with the church, but we’ve got magical people with godfathers and they all celebrate Christmas and stuff. Aren’t they all atheists? Or pagans, or whatever? They don’t mention God or anything, but they’re doing all this Christian stuff cause…how can you have a chapter that takes place during winter and skip Christmas? I guess I never got this. They celebrate Easter, too. So, the birth and resurrection of Christ are apparently big with wizards. But we don’t know why.

A Hasidic Jew wizard would be awesome.

“Grindelwald, remember to bring the bagels!”

“Goyle, my god, take off your shoes before you get dirt all over the floor!”

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Why the point? Siriusly.

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“Fuck yo carols, midgets!”

Colin:

What’s with people in this franchise being unable to control their emotions? Okay, so you just heard that the guy supposedly coming to kill you is also your godfather. That doesn’t give you license to bowl over a bunch of midget carolers.

When does one NOT have license to bowl over a bunch of midget carolers?

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“Sorry, we only fight for house elves.”

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Hogsmeade looks like Diagon Alley shot from the other side.

Which is not a bad thing at all.

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“Harry, what’s wrong? What can we do to help?”

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“An invisible handjob would be nice.”

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I – I’m sorry. That was absolutely hilarious to me. If you didn’t think that was funny – I don’t know what to tell you.

Colin:

I was waiting for that the whole time, from the moment she started walking over. Just, “That’s my dick.”

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Way to be a friend, Ron.

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“I hope he finds me. Because when he does, I’m gonna be ready. When he does, I’m gonna KILL HIM!”

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Colin:

Errrrr, I’m Daniel Radcliffe, and I like to make THIS face! ERRRRR!

– – – – –

Simpsons Hamlet Ralph

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When did this become The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford?

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It’s time to learn some shit.

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He says it’s advanced magic, “way beyond the ordinary wizarding level.”

Really? You mean to tell me this isn’t on the test? What kind of shit is actually on that O.W.L., then? It’s not exactly B.C. Calc, now is it?

(P.S. Totally got a 5 on my B.C. Calc exam. Suck it, math!)

Colin:

P.P.S. Totally took AP Calc but didn’t take the exam. Suck it, math!

Also, how exactly does one TAKE a Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. exam, anyway?

In the event of a werewolf surprising you from the bushes at the bus stop, do you:

A) Attempt to reason with the creature

B) Run like a little bitch and hope you encounter a slow, fat person along the way

C) Drop to your knees and beg to suck its dick for your freedom

D) All of the above

E) Do a werewolf mating call and hope it doesn’t fuck you

F) Murray Abraham

Colin:

I always know what F is gonna be on every one of Mike’s multiple choice questions. 

Lupin teaches him about some Expecto Patronum. I can understand. Because on Cinco de Mayo, I expecto some Patronum too.

He explains that a patronus is created from a very happy memory, and that it’s used to have the dementor feed off of that instead of them.

So dementors are like mother-in-laws. Amirte, guys?!!!

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“Go web go!”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

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Love the shot choices here.

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Wouldn’t it be awesome if this is all a joke and that trunk is just Lupin’s stash of liquor?

“I thought this would protect me against dementors?”

“No, there’s no such spell. You’re fucked! But at least we can get shitfaced, right?!”

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Did he turn whale dicks into candles?

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It’s really funny that he just keeps a boggart in the office like The Gimp.

Just, “Bring out the boggart. We got some shit to do.”

So seriously — what is the deal with boggarts? Do they have the power to do anything to you? Do you just pass out from fear? Can it actually perform a dementor’s kiss on you? Because then it’s a powerful thing. Then it’s like Ditto. Turn that shit into a basilisk – you’re dead. But if not, then it’s just some asshole who turns into shit to fuck with you. You’re afraid of clowns, it’ll turn into a giant clown and just chill in the apartment all day. Look over and it’s just sitting on the couch, staring at you intently. Nothing else.

Colin:

There was some more inconsistency. Cause the dementor does start messing with Harry and he passes out. But when the boggart turns into the moon for Lupin, nothing happens. So for him, it seems like it’s merely the image of what he fears, but Harry’s “image” seems to be able to suck life force as well.

I want to be a wizard stand-up comedian. “What is the DEAL with boggarts?”

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Is this where they keep Moody next movie?

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He just travels with this thing. Never know when you’re gonna need a boggart.

You think he takes that thing… Across the Pacific?

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Expecto Patr-oh-no, I fucked it up.

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There should just be a montage of him fucking up the spell and passing out.

Because that’s like, super bad for you.

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Colin:

Nobody makes the first jump.

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

They had liquor there! Cypher used to make that shit.

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I really thought Lupin was gay the first time I watched this. Overly nice, has chocolate on his person at all times, likes to take long walks with his male students in the woods…

Anyway, he asks Harry what memory he chose.

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Colin:

“The first time I got my dick sucked.”

He actually says “The first time I rode a broom.”

Colin:

What did I say?

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It’s funny – that’s the same look Lupin gives him later when he uses the Expelliarmus in Deathly Hallows as they’re trying to keep Harry’s identity a secret.

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Harry has another memory…

(Really poor choice having him say that while looking at that candle.)

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“I was Joan of Arc in my former life.”

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“Oh I’m ready.”

(He’s got that Andrew Garfield hair going on right now.)

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“Oh you are SO fucked!”

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Colin:

PS, you guys. I say, “Expecto Patronum” when I jizz. My patronus is the shape of a Grimer.

It’s purple and made of toxic sludge?

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What if someone walked in on this right now?

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Seriously, though – look at that face. You’re telling me you can’t picture him giving Harry a piece of chocolate – “You have to bite it.”

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“That’s right, Harry, patronus away those feelings in the clos… err, chest.”

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Where are they having this lesson? Dumbledore’s office? Or is that the astronomy tower? Dumbledore’s final office.

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Tender moment.

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Harry chose a moment of his parents talking to him.

Colin:

THAT was your chosen memory? Jesus, kid, didn’t you ever get a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas, or something? Oh. Right. You were a slave. 

Mad Eye Moody got a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas

.(

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Nothing in particular. Just talking.

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I’d have gone with the first time you got your dick sucked.

Just saying.

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They got rid of that pendulum in the later films, didn’t they? It stopped being thematically relevant, I guess.

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Colin:

That cat has a butt face.

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Colin:

Chewbacca put on some weight. Oh. Hey, Hagrid.

What is he wearing? Buckbeak’s father?

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That thing has roll up pant legs?

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Buckbeak’s been sentenced to death.

That trial took a long ass time. Malfoy got attacked in like September. And it’s already like winter and they’re not gonna kill him until like… what is the timeline on this movie? Do they even make it to the end of the year?

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Absolutely gorgeous shots.

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I mean, shame about Buckbeak and all, but – man, look at that shot.

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Apparently we have hit the Terrence Malick portion of our movie.

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Is he jerking off again?

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This is one of the funniest shots of the franchise to me. The look of intent on his face and the cookie in his hand. Hilarious.

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Colin:

What? Why is Ron all crazy all of a sudden?

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The spiders. They want him to tap dance.

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“You get those spiders, Ron.”

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Colin:

This is the look that means, “Okay…” but really should mean, “You don’t respect your friends at all, do you, asshole?”

I get that look way more than I should.

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So he’s just chilling and looking at the map? Is this what you do when you don’t have TV?

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Lost wands?

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Does this only show people who are moving? Where’s everyone else?

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Oh, shit, son!

He’s supposed to be dead.

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Yeah, put those timbs on. Time to get to work.

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That rug really ties the room together.

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You can hear the fucking footprints! You already know what it is.

Colin:

Wait, wait, wait. “ROOM OF DOOM?” THE FUCK IS THAT? Why doesn’t THAT get its own chapter in the books?

There’s also presumably a Room of Mischief up at the top too.

Also, the Room of Doom is right up the hall from the Detention room. I wonder if those are related?

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Maybe if you don’t see anything in front of you look up or down?

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Great how they build tension here. Filmmaking 101.

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Uh oh.

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“Mischief managed. Nox.”

That spell only reminded me of one thing. But I don’t want to go making obscure references to 1915 French serials that only I seem to have an appreciation for.

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Colin:

Snape got the drop on him. I’d shit myself right there. This is why I could never trust myself as a wizard. People would sneak up on me, whether seriously or as a joke, and I’d say, “Avada Kedavra” as a reflex.

That’s what it is. Someoene sneaks up on me, it’s like Zombieland. Just – boom, right through the fucking chest.

“Oh… Neville, I’m so sorry. They can sectum-sew that back together, can’t they?”

Colin:

Do you think anyone ever double taps with Avada Kedavra?

I would love to see someone kill a person, stand over the body, then zap one more time as they walk away. Just as the wand is passing over the body, nonchalantly. If Voldemort did that, I’d be like, “Fuck Harry, THIS motherfucker needs to win.”

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“Potter, what are you doing wandering the corridors at night?”

Remember when that was such a scary offense in the first movie? Now it’s like, “Motherfucker, what are you up to? Walk of shame? Is it a walk of shame. You can tell me. Was she a Hufflepuff? That’s all right. I know. You like those Hufflepuff girls. Taking advantage of their simple ways and removing their innocence them in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom and blaming it on her.”

Honestly though – you know those Hufflepuff girls are the easiest to bang. Clearly the ones who make the most bad decisions. They’re the dumb ones who believe all your bullshit. The Ravenclaws are the ones with the daddy issues. The Gryffindors are the ones who always go out with three of their girlfriends and never let someone get near them. And Slytherins are the ones who are like, “You’re not my type at all, but fine. Twenty minutes, astronomy tower, don’t make me late for my next class.” You’d think that would be the Ravenclaws, but it’s not. It’s the Slytherins.

Colin:

I’m a Ravenclaw, according to that long ass quiz we all took my freshman year. Cho Chang is also a Ravenclaw. What chick was a Hufflepuff? I can name three of them. Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, and Professor Sprout. Great track record, there. Not to mention the oversized vagina thing. No wonder Cedric ends up dating outside his house. 

I always thought that Slytherins just wanted to suck evil cock. I mean, Pansy Parkinson? With a name like that, you know she’ll drop trou for anyone with priors.

It’s tricky to put Gryffindors in a bunch. You get Hermione, who’s awkward, Parvati Patil, who wants the dick, Lavender Brown, who gets murdered…

I think I’ll stick with the Ravenclaws. Cho’s great. Also, Filius Flitwick is the head of Ravenclaw House. Fuck yeah.

I love when someone’s big identifying characteristic is that they get murdered.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 768

“Oh, nothing. Just out going to fuck your sister.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 767

“Extraordinarily like your father you are, Potter.”

… well, that was unintentional.

(Also, what’s with the Gilbert Gottfried eyes?)

Snape says Harry’s father “strut” about the castle.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 769

“My dad didn’t strut.”

How the hell would you know? I’m pretty sure Snape is in a much better position than you are to know that sort of thing, even if he is exaggerating a bit.

Colin:

I think that’s the Gryffindor trait. Being overly confident about shit you don’t necessarily know and being an asshole to people. We’ll see a little later on how Harry can be stubborn about something when in reality he doesn’t know what the FUCK he’s talking about.

“Now, if you don’t mind, I’d appreciate it if you could lower your wand.”

Sure. Take that tone.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 770

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 771

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 772

That’s awesome.

“Tear out your pockets.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 773

“What’s this?”

“Spare bit of parchment.”

He’s starting to get a mouth on him, this one.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 774

“Reveal your secrets.”

Gee, sure sounds like magic to me, doesn’t it?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 775

“Read it.”

“Messers Mooney –”

Paul Mooney?

“– Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs –”

Sounds like a law firm for people who suffer from mesothelioma.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 776

“– offer their compliments to Professor Snape, and request that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 777

“Why you insolent little –”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 778

“Professor.”

I think he was gonna say “shit,” actually. Insolent little shit.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 779

“Well, well – Lupin. Out for a little walk –”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 780

“In the moonlight, are we?”

I love what he does with his eyes as he says that.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 781

What’s he thinking right now? There’s a lot to this moment. They’re colleagues, but he also used to bully him something fierce twenty years ago. And then there’s also the secret element to it, that Snape is hinting at. Plus the wordplay, which I’m sure makes part of him go, “You fucking dick.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 782

Snape says he confiscated this. It seems to have dark magic in it. Which is Lupin’s area of expertise.

You wish that were your expertise, though.

Colin:

They didn’t make Lupin look poor enough. In the book, they’re constantly reminding you — “This motherfucker’s on food stamps. Look at his shitty clothes.”

Pretty sure he’s wearing Mr. Rogers’ sweater.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 783

Lupin says that’s nothing big. It’s just a piece of parchment designed to insult whoever tries to read it.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 784

“I suspect it’s a Zonko product.”

The way he over-embellishes that is suspect.

Also, what other product would it be? There’s only one fucking joke shop in this entire universe.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 785

“Nevertheless – I shall investigate any hidden qualities it may possess.”

Game. Lupin.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 786

“Harry, would you come with me, please?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 787

Love what Snape does with his wand here.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 788

“I’m onto you.”

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Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 790

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 791

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 792

Colin:

Any scene with Snape is great. He just put out his light like a champ. ZING MOTHERFUCKERS.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 793

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 794

So they just randomly walked to the middle of the classroom to have this conversation?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 795

Lupin asks Harry why he never turned the map in. Did he never think that, in the hands of Sirius Black, this is a map to him?

No. And that’s a really dumb question when we get our reveal later.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 796

“Professor, just so you know, I don’t think that map always works. Earlier on it showed someone in the castle. Someone I know to be dead.”

“And really, who might that be?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 797

“Peter Pettigrew.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 798

“That’s impossible.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 799

That’s some heavy shit, right there.

Gotta have a reverse tracking shot.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 800

Ah, Divination.

Or, as I like to call it, every class.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 801

Hermione’s like, “I know what I see. Impending death, right?”

Very condescending. Like, “You see death in everything. This is bullshit. I’m only doing this so I can get a good grade.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 802

“My dear, from the first moment you stepped foot in my class, I sensed that you did not possess the proper spirit for the noble art of divination.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 803

“Ah, you see, there – you may be young in years, but the heart that beats beneath your bosom is as shriveled as an old maid. Your soul is dry as the pages of the books you so desperately cleave.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 804

“All right, good talk, I’ll see you out there.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 805

Colin:

Say what you want about Trelawney, but she just shut Hermione down like no one ever has and nobody ever will again.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 806

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 807

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 808

Didn’t flip a table?

She’ll learn.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 809

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 810

What’s carved into those slats?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 811

“Have I said something?”

I don’t know if I respect that more or less than if she was aware of how savage that was.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 812

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 813

Nice shots.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 814

It rolled off a table, down a hallway and down a half a flight of stairs and still didn’t break? What is that ball made out of? Reluctance?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 815

But actually, what is that? People signing their names in the walls?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 816

Harry goes to take the palantir back…

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 817

I like how she’s just got a cat chilling in the office.

Professors always have dogs, but very rarely are cats just hanging about.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 818

For some reason the only comment I felt was appropriate for this photo was:

“Hassa Nagila” — Snake Bar Mitzvah.

I want to thank you all for sticking through me during this dark time.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 819

Oh shit – she’s prophecizing.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 820

Don’t interrupt her when she’s prophecizing.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 821

Colin:

HAIRBALL! Best ending to a prophecy ever.

It’s also funny that she basically just described the ending to the next movie. An innocent will die and slave will be reunited with his master. That’s Goblet of Fire.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 822

“I’m so sorry dear boy – did you say something?”

That’s a lot of teacups.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 823

“What the fuck was THAT?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 824

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 825

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 826

Love the transitions in this movie.

Colin:

I can’t see those three shots in a row and not feel a Pokémon battle coming on.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 827

I love this shot. One crow goes one way, the other crow goes the other way, and this guy’s sayin’, “Whaddya want from me?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 828

That’s just Filch with a mask on, isn’t it?

From his secret executioner/luchador career.

Colin:

Hey, it’s Medieval Melvin! Seriously, with that outfit? Are we to believe that this guy is an animal executioner, and he wears that shit every day?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 829

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 830

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 831

Love these shots.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 832

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 833

And there’s Malfoy, watching.

Why would he be so invested in this random animal’s death?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 834

Uh oh – she’s gonna fuck somebody up.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 835

Colin:

Look at Ron’s gay sweater!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 836

That’s great! She’s ready to use her wand AND beat the shit out of him with her bare hands.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 837

You guys really can’t do anything except let what’s gonna go down happen.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 838

What if she used a spell that made him gay or something? She’d be the only one who knew it anyway? Latents Homoeroticus or something. One of those things with no effect now, but in two years, at the Christmas Ball or whatever…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 839

OH MY GOD LOOK AT THESE SHOTS!

Far cry from that first scene on Privet Drive, isn’t it?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 840

Nice wand.

And nice Trainspotting extra.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 841

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 842

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 843

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 844

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 845

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 846

Wow, that actually looks like she cracks him in the face.

Colin:

Hermione, you get 50 points for not using magic.

Has anyone except his father ever laid hands on Malfoy like that?

He had that bird put to death for not even half of that. But Hermione did it and he’s just gonna take that shit. Why? Because she’s a fucking boss.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 847

Seriously, what happened to Goyle, though?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 848

“That felt good.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 849

Colin:

Her right titty is slightly bigger than the left one.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 850

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 851

They’re gonna Eiffel Tower the shit out of her tonight.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 852

It totally is bigger than the left one.

But also, nice moment out of her. That’s really the takeaway here, and not the joke.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 853

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 854

Colin:

Since when is Hagrid’s hut here? Didn’t it used to be like RIGHT on the forest? Why is it here now? It’s in a completely different place.

Maybe the grounds like to change like the stairs?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 855

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 856

Is that his last meal or something?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 857

“Why don’t we just set him free?”

“They’d know it was me. Dumbledore’d get into trouble.”

Would Dumbledore get into trouble? I feel like that would just be on you. And will they really do anything to you a year removed from throwing you into Azkaban for no reason?

Colin:

Seriously, the more we hear about the magical government, the more it sounds like fascism. And it really doesn’t take all that much to plunge it into a full on dystopian nightmare by the end of the fifth book.

My favorite is that Fudge was like, “Nah, Harry, we don’t fuck with people who broke laws to get back at their aunts! But we do throw groundskeepers into prison and get bribed by rich white motherfuckers into killing animals.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 858

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 859

Colin:

What in the fuck is that thing Hagrid just fed?

Didn’t you know? Hagrid shoots tentacle porn on the side.

Colin:

It looks like a fucked up Shuckle. A….Fuckle.

I would get the fuckle on outta there if that thing were in my foyer.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 860

Oh, and Hagrid also has Scabbers. Because we can’t forget about Scabbers. Not with the third act coming up.

Hermione says that means he owes someone an apology.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 861

“Next time I see Crookshanks, I’ll let him know.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 862

“I meant ME!”

Closer, but still two different sizes.

(Now you got me noticing it too.)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 863

Oh shit, someone threw an Omanyte at them!

Colin:

There’s a Super Nerd outside? Guess he’s keeping the Dome Fossil for himself.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 864

That’s a Helix Fossil!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 865

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 866

Colin:

No, let’s not worry about who’s throwing rocks at our heads.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 867

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 868

Here they come.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 869

You motherfuckers gotta go.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 870

Also, since when does Hagrid’s hut have a back door?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 871

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 872

This is some Wizard of Oz shit.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 873

He must have renovated this. It’s bigger, it’s in a different place… this is a completely different hut.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 874

It’s weird that he’s growing pumpkins in like, March.

And that it took six months to sentence an animal to death and yet pretty soon Harry is gonna use one spell and be on trial in less than like, two days.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 875

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 876

I love this moment. That look back. Like, “You motherfuckers better go now.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 877

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 878

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 877

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 878

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 877

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 878

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 877

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 878

That’s right Hermione. Feel the burn.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 879

You guys know crows remember human faces, right?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 880

Love these Wizard of Oz references.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 881

I still have no idea what’s up with all these pumpkins. Is this like a side business for Hagrid? It’s totally bizarre that there are pumpkins everywhere this year and we never see them again after this.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 882

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 883

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 884

“I thought I just saw – never mind.”

Other people might go crazy seeing what she just did. Not Hermione Granger. She’s prepared for that.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 885

Amazing that no one sees them. They’re like RIGHT THERE. There’s not much else around for a ways. It’s not hard to notice three moving things with those colors.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 886

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 887

“What are you doing? Why are you leaving me here? I BOWED FOR YOU!”

Man… it’s hard out here for a ‘griff.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 888

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 889

Training montage.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 890

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 891

This franchise basically ends with one squeeze of the hand right now.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 892

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 893

How much money went into this entire process? That’s tax galleons, right there.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 894

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 895

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 896

And that’s the end of Buckbeak.

… or is it?

Colin:

…Jaws?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 897

Well that’s a major step forward.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 898

Or… not.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 899

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 900

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 901

And there goes the rat.

Why was that shot important? We won’t find out today, because that’s the END OF PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and tree vaginas, tentacle rape, revelations galore, and Gary fucking Oldman.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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