Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Part IV — “Then a Dog Shows Up and Drags Ron Into a Tree Vagina”

This week, we have another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fourth part of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

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We begin Part IV right after Buckbeak has been killed and Scabbers has run away.

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“Their pace has quickened. They must have caught our scent.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Colin:

Ginny does love her man flesh.

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That’s a Whomping Willow. You might want to move, Ron.

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Why’d he wait until now?

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Hermione’s reaction is priceless.

And Ron’s pointing like it’s Invasion of the fucking Body Snatchers.

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This looks like the werewolf from The Beast Must Die.

Which — let’s pause a moment to plug that film. It’s incredible. It has a Werewolf Break! What film do you know that has a Werewolf Break? I’ll tell you what film… that film.

(Also, for those of you who don’t know obscure 70s horror movies, the dog kinda looks like something out of Isle of Dogs.)

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“OPTIMUS!!!”

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“I’ll never let go, Ron!”

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Oh… you let go.

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Well that’s menacing.

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Colin:

Then a dog shows up and drags Ron into a tree vagina.

Subtitle.

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Just like the gypsy woman said.

Also, I can’t see him dressed like that and not think of this:

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“Don’t make me use my pimp branch.”

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TWHAP!!

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That’ll take care of a troll in the dungeon.

(P.S. You think the wizarding equivalent of “shooting blanks” is “shooting squibs”?)

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If a tree beats the shit out of you in the forest…

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You think this is retaliation for the car?

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♫ “I can show the world…” 

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Oh no, not the glasses!

If only we knew the spell to fix them if anything happened…

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She jumps right over that shit! Muggle Double Dutch State Champion, baby!

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Oh, but there’s another one.

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When he tells you his roommates are gone for the night.

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I won’t say anything about this next part, except – here’s an email I got shortly before I wrote my synopsis:

Colin:

There’s exactly one moment where it looks like Hermione’s being tentacle raped. You’ll know the one.

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That… is a very unfortunate freeze frame.

Colin:

I can’t wait for Goblet of Fire. We gonna get some Giant Squid action?

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It’s the little pause before he goes flying out of frame that makes it.

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Colin:

Right, cause Hermione’s jacked enough to hold onto him by his shirt. That works. That’s what she’s known for, right? Hittin’ the gym?

Misuse of the time turner, really. Shouldn’t she be using it to go fuck Ron in the Room of Requirement while she’s also sitting in her Ancient Runes class? Shit, imagine what use that thing could be in the right hands.

But let’s all appreciate the progression of those screenshots up there. And also, I guess, the upper body strength.

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This is how I was conceived.

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That’s three movies in a row of people falling or sliding down into underground rock crevices.

Underground Rock Crevice is also a great name for a band.

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Colin:

Oh, she likes to be on top. I can work with that.

I can be unemployed with that too.

(I would be amenable to partaking in sexual intercourse in either situation, was what I was saying.)

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“So that all just happened.”

“Did I just get slapped in the face by a fucking tree?”

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Well… guess you gotta just keep walking to whatever the fuck’s on the other side of this.

So for those keeping score, in terms of obstacles that prevent the leads from turning back before the final showdown: three-headed dog, falling rocks caused by a professor trying to mentally impair a student, murder tree.

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Wouldn’t it be weird if they came out the other side and were in Mordor?

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I’d totally do that, too. At the top of all my trap doors, just leave a trail of dry blood, just to send that message of, “You sure you wanna come through here?”

It’s like at Christmastime. Just leave a trail of Kool-Aid from your front door all the way to the backyard. It’ll keep the kids from playing in the yard.

I should have my own magazine.

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What better place for a quickie than the Shrieking Shack? The walls are extra thin.

If these walls could talk, indeed.

Though, now that I think about it, they probably can.

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Yeah, I’m sure that’s smart. Go up to your delirious friend who was kidnapped and has a trail of blood at his feet. I’m sure he’s fine.

Oh, wait, that’s just dust on the floor and it’s because no one’s been here and Ron got dragged through it. That’s way less interesting than blood.

Not to mention… no way the trail is that clean and no way he’s that clean after being pulled through all that. But I digress.

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“Where’s the dog?”

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“It’s a trap!”

Not the wrong franchise, he actually says that.

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“He’s the dog!”

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Gary!

Colin:

Gary.

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“If you want to kill Harry, you’ll have to kill us, too.”

Presumably this is a murdering psychopath. How you think that one’s gonna turn out?

Colin:

“Cool.”

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“No. Only one will die tonight.”

I mean, maybe just be clear and none of this has to happen.

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“Then it’ll be you!”

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Jesus, man. You have a wand.

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Well damn. Threw him to the ground and got a wand on him. I mean, I’m sure he let him, but still, that’s impressive.

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“Are you going to kill me, Harry?”

God, I love him so much.

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“Expelliarmus!”

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Wow, what happened to the giant explosion of light and the person being thrown back twelve feet?

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“Wow, that looked NOTHING like when Snape did it last year!”

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I mean… you could explain this by saying “Hey, you were about to kill this guy and we really should take him into the authorities.”

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“Well, well, Sirius – looking rather ragged, aren’t we?”

Or you could make it look like you’re also evil. I can’t see how that might backfire in any way.

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“Finally the flesh reflects the madness within.”

These lines only exist because they knew the caliber of actors they had in this scene.

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“Well, you’d know all about the madness within, wouldn’t you, Remus?”

Let’s stop to point out – HIS NAME IS REMUS LUPIN! How many fucking hints do you need?

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

That’s the face someone makes when they’re so drunk they didn’t actually hear what you said to them but you have to stand there like an idiot because it sure looks like they did for a few seconds.

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Colin:

Twist.

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“You motherfucker!”

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“I found him! He’s here! Let’s kill him!”

Another thing that could easily be fixed with some explanation.

Also, what do you mean ‘I found him’? Shouldn’t Hermione at least realize they’re not talking about Harry? I mean, okay, this is all kinda weird and Sirius seems half-crazy so I guess we can let that go.

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“No!”

Colin:

Don’t you think 99 percent of the tension in this scene could be spared if they just did an aside to Harry, like, “Oh, not you”?

Yes. That’s why this scene worked so well in the book. All I remember about reading this is that EVERYBODY WAS TALKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

AND EVERYTHING THEY SAID WAS ENTIRELY DONE BY YELLING.

I GUESS BECAUSE THEY WERE IN THE SHRIEKING SHACK.

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“I trusted you! And you’ve been his friend, all this time.”

Why did you trust him? I didn’t even know you’ve interacted with him. Are we sure that wasn’t Harry’s line?

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“He’s a werewolf!”

So… you trusted him because you knew his secret and didn’t tell anyone? I’m not following. Did you guys have a “thing” in the Potions closet?

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“Well, well, well, Hermione, you really are the brightest witch of your age I’ve ever met.”

That’s a backhanded compliment. How many witches of her age has he met?

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Look at Oldman in the background during this. He’s brilliant.

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“Enough talk, Remus. Come on, let’s kill him!”

“Wait.”

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“I did my waiting!”

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“Twelve years of it! In Azkaban!”

We’ve all used that line at least a dozen times in response to something.

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“Well damn, son. You don’t have to play that card.”

Colin:

I heard Azkaban serves a mean pepper steak. Seriously, it’s an island prison that starts with ‘A’ and has a ‘z’ in the name. Are we even pretending for a second that Rowling isn’t just thinking of Alcatraz? For that matter, can someone PLEASE make a wizarding version of The Rock?

Only if it involves the ‘winners go home and fuck the prom queen’ line.

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“All right, let’s kill this fuck.”

That’s the right angle on the head tilt, too. That’s the “let’s fuck this guy up” head tilt. Twenty degrees more is the ‘the fuck did you say?’ head tilt, and twenty degrees more from that is the ‘dat ass’ head tilt.

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“All yours.”

Beautiful shot.

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“But wait one more minute. Harry has the right to know why.”

It’s actually really funny how much easier they could have made this on Harry by not being so vague. Also, Ron’s the one who has the right to know why. Harry’s just ancillary in all this.

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“I know why. You betrayed my parents. You’re the reason they’re dead!”

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“No, Harry, it wasn’t him. Somebody did betray your parents, but it was somebody who, until quite recently, I believed to be dead.”

You know… based on that entire fucking conversation you had with him about it like a month ago.

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“Peter Pettigrew!”

Colin:

TWIST.

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“And he’s in this room! Right now!”

Look at those prison tats.

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“Come out, come out, Peter!”

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Snape’s here! (And his body is ready.)

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“Expelliarmus!”

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Isn’t it great that they’re only disarming people and not using other spells? Imagine the things that could have been done had we learned about them.

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Colin:

This is a fucking soap opera. Hermione should fall for some jock with an accent. Maybe an Asian chick or two in the mix. Oh, and if there are ever twins, one has to die.

Someone’s already gotten amnesia.

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“Oh – vengeance is sweet. How I hoped I’d be the one to catch you. I told Dumbledore you were helping an old friend into the castle and here’s the proof.”

This isn’t the castle, but I understand the sentiment.

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“Brilliant, Snape. Once again you put your keen and penetrating mind to the task and as usual come to the wrong conclusion.”

Once a bully, always a bully.

“Now if you’ll excuse us, Remus and I have some unfinished business to attend to.”

Without wands, too. Don’t matter. Prison changes a man.

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“Give me a reason. I beg you.”

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Well damn.

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“Hold on, there, playa.”

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“He can’t help it. It’s habit.”

“Sirius be quiet.”

I love that. Sirius is like, “This motherfucker doesn’t have the balls to do it,” goading Snape into it, and Lupin’s like, “Dude, he’s gonna do it if you don’t shut the fuck up.”

“Be quiet yourself Remus!”

AKA, “This motherfucker is soft. He won’t do it.”

“Oh listen to you two, quarreling like an old married couple.”

Which is why the relationship is so good.

“Why don’t you run along and play with your chemistry set!”

Colin:

Oldman’s the best. Ever. “Why don’t you run along and play with your chemistry set!?” He just said fuck you, fuck your livelihood and fuck your favorite subject. In the same sentence.

All that with a gun to his head, essentially.

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“I could do it, you know.”

That’s pretty cold-blooded. Especially when you know what Snape’s about.

“But why deny the dementors? They’re so longing to see you.”

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Look at that face. “Motherfucker, you wouldn’t.”

“Do I detect a flicker of fear? Oh, yes. A Dementor’s Kiss. One can only imagine what that must be like. It’s said to be nearly unbearable to witness, but I’ll do my best.”

Goddamn. I mean, it’s less hardcore than just murdering him, but ‘Oh I’m gonna turn you in to get tortured to death and then I’m gonna watch’ — that’s close.

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Harry this is not the time to cop a feel.

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Oh, he’s doing that instead. Which – shouldn’t he not be able to use that wand? Can you just pull someone’s wand out of their pocket without disarming them and use it? Or is it like Pokémon? You have enough badges and they just listen to you.

Colin:

I think anyone can use any wand, it’s just how well it works for them. People start trading wands later on in the franchise like crazy. This person’s broke, so they have to use so and so’s instead. That sort of deal. Swapping wands is a great way to pass around diseases. That’s actually what HPV is. The Harry Potter Virus.

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Ron should not be doing that right now.

There’s also a “Severus, please” in there. Which is some interesting (and probably unintentional) foreshadowing.

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“Expelliarmus!”

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How did you not see that one coming, Snape?

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So there’s just no rhyme or reason to how Expelliarmus works, is there?

Technically this could be him only knowing the second year version, which, in that case, is good continuity, but something tells me that’s not the case here. I understand them wanting to get Snape out of the way for a while, but we JUST SAW TWO Expelliarmus spells work differently.

Also – is there no way for them to actually learn how to use spells and shit? It seems like the only time they truly learn shit in practice is when shit’s dangerous or Harry takes it upon himself to be like, “I learned this shit in year three. I guess I can teach you bitches now.”

It’s like me and French. I had the best grades in my school in it (no joke. I won an award that I didn’t even know about until they gave it to me because I had the highest grades in BOTH Latin and French my senior year of high school), yet couldn’t fucking speak a word of it and forgot it all within three months of not taking the classes anymore. Because when do they actually get to practice the spells at Hogwarts?

Colin:

Ooh. Mike’s getting nit picky. I like it. Technically, they were supposed to have learned and practiced Expelliarmus during Dueling Club with Lockhart and Snape in Chamber of Secrets. But yeah, I totally agree with this point. We have this spell doing like seven different things at different times (which I’ll point out in detail in the Goblet of Fire articles) and then there are dozens of other spells that Harry supposedly teaches other students starting in Order of the Phoenix, and we’re just supposed to go with it.

Did he learn all these spells on his own in books, or something? He doesn’t spend time in the library like Hermione does, shouldn’t she be better? Who does he practice with? We see him teach them Expecto Patronum, cause that’s the one spell where we can explain why he randomly knows it. The other 99 percent of his spells…there’s no good reason for him to know them and everyone else not to.

That is sort of what he’s doing at the beginning of the movie, teaching himself spells and practicing in his room. But still, that only goes so far with certain spells.

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“Harry! What did you just do?”

“You attacked a teacher!”

It’s not even a class and Hermione’s answering the question.

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“Tell me about Peter Pettigrew.”

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“He was at school with us. We thought he was our friend!”

“No. Pettigrew’s dead. You killed him!”

Obviously not, since you’re listening to them

“No, he didn’t. I thought so too, until you mentioned seeing Pettigrew on the map!”

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“The map was lying, then!”

“The map never lies! Pettigrew’s alive!”

Why does the map never lie? Are there map laws?

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“And he’s right there!”

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“Me?”

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“Not you, your rat.”

“But Scabbers has been in my family for—”

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“Twelve years! Curiously long life for a common garden rat. He’s missing a toe, isn’t he?”

“So what?”

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“All they could find of Pettigrew was his—”

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“Finger! The dirty coward cut it off so that everyone would think he was dead!”

Well damn. Imagine if Snape were still conscious for this instead of unnecessarily thrown across the room for no reason.

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Oh, but he bites.

Though — you survived Azkaban for 12 years. 12 Years a…. actually never mind.

But dude, you got out of prison and you can’t survive a rat bite long enough to murder a guy?

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So, even though he can transform into a rat, is he now able to carry rat-borne illnesses?

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Colin:

Not exactly the Sundance Kid, is he?

Well, by the end of the franchise…

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He’s better when he moves.

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So presumably rather than trying to kill him, they used a spell to turn him back human.

Also, if they were trying to kill him, why didn’t they say the magic words?

Which brings up another salient point — those magic words are awfully similar to some other magic words. You hire the wrong magician for a child’s birthday party and things can go sideways really fast.

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Colin:

Look at THIS rat looking motherfucker.

See, this is the spell that I was talking about before in the Chamber of Secrets articles. About how there would be a spell to return something to its true form? If they were using Scabbers as transfiguration practice, how has this spell not been done on him before?

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“Remus? Sirius! My old friends!”

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This always amused me. Like, motherfucker, weren’t you JUST listening to that conversation? They know it was you. They ain’t gonna hug this shit out.

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“Harry! You can help me, can’t you. I knew your father.”

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“How dare you speak to Harry!”

Seriously though, I’d have loved it if Sirius just upped and killed him. Just straight up killed him and walked away.

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“You sold James and Lily to Voldemort!”

“I didn’t mean to! The Dark Lord. You have no idea the weapons he possesses!”

Money? Strippers? What?

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“Ask yourself, Sirius! What would you have done? What would you have done?”

“I would have died! I would have died, rather than betray my friends!”

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“Harry, James wouldn’t have wanted me killed! Your dad… Your dad would have spared me! He would show me mercy!”

Well that’s a pretty shitty thing to do. But also, he’s that guy.

“You should’ve realized, Peter, that if Voldemort didn’t kill you, then we would! Together!”

Didn’t need that last line, but okay.

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“Don’t kill him.”

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There’s that “Expelliarmus” look again.

That’s a true ‘goddamnit’ face.

“Harry, this man…”

“I know what he is. But we’ll take him to the castle.”

I mean, sure? But also, maybe like, use a spell that immobilizes him right now considering how dangerous he is.

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“Bless you, boy! Bless you!”

Wouldn’t it be great if he curb-stomped him?

“I said we’d take you to the castle. After that, the dementors can have you.”

I mean, that is smart. Prove Sirius innocent first. But — just kill him and bring the body. Pretty sure that accomplishes just as much. Or also — fucking petrify him like you did Neville. He won’t go nowhere.

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This is a great moment. Sirius is like, “Sorry I fucked your leg up. Normally I’m pretty awesome as a dog.”

Colin:

So there was a whole group of friends that could become animals. Why was this never done with Harry, Ron, and Hermione? Only the parents’ generation gets to do it? Seems like a missed opportunity, cause if Pettigrew could do it, Harry definitely could have.

Apparently it’s one of those things that takes a shit ton of time to learn how to do. Which automatically precludes Ron. Hermione probably could if she wanted to. Harry is 50/50. I bet if he felt the need to he could, but otherwise wouldn’t put in the effort. He seems like the kind of asshole who’d just somehow be able to do it out of nowhere because that’s how his life goes. But I do like that it’s not some random hereditary thing and anyone can figure out how to do this.

It would be fun to know which people not only did end up doing it but what animal they end up turning into. Weird that it’s like a patronus and is based on completely arbitrary rules about their personality, but sure. And yet somehow also not remotely concerning that Pettigrew became a rat.

I also just looked this up — apparently part of the process to become an animagus involves keeping a mandrake leaf in your mouth for an entire month for the purposes of creating a potion, and speaking an incantation once a day. Magic is weird sometimes, guys.

We also maybe should talk about the other line he says after “Normally, I have a very sweet disposition as a dog.” Which is — “In fact, more than once, James suggested that I make the change permanent.”

Can you do that? Also, I’m assuming this is a joke based on his personality, but we don’t know you well enough to know whether or not it is.

“The tail I could live with. But the fleas, they’re murder.”

So that means he is susceptible to dog conditions, which means god only knows the shit Pettigrew picked up in 12 years.

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The Miracle of Life – Tree Vagina Style.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1053

How come the tree’s not hitting them right now? Did somebody stun it?  And how come Hermione didn’t know to do that the first time?

Note how my natural inclination is to assume she knows how to do everything, because she does.

There’s also a fun exchange with Ron and Hermione here.

“That looks really painful.”
“So painful. They might chop it.”
“I’m sure Madam Pomfrey will fix it in a heartbeat.”
It’s too late. It’s ruined. It’ll have to be chopped off.”

It’s moments like this that really help the overall relationship between the characters that pays off so well by the end of these movies.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1054

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1055

Nice moment.

Colin:

Go talk to Gary Oldman so Ron can spit G at Hermione.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1056

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

This is what you say just before you get killed.

“I’ll never forget the first time I walked through those doors. It’ll be nice to do it again as a free man.”

How did he get out of Azkaban, exactly?

“That was a noble thing you did back there. He doesn’t deserve it.”

Fuck noble. But even so — why are you letting that fuck walk around right now? Knock him the fuck out and take him back.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1057

“Well I just didn’t think my dad would have wanted his two best friends to become killers. Besides, dead, the truth dies with him. Alive, you’re free.”

That’s not true. That body turns up now, he was clearly alive. He’s missing a finger. He was Ron’s rat, for Christ’s sake. There’s a lot of evidence here to overturn a conviction. At the very least, minimum security.

Or this is all just because we didn’t learn how the Pensieve works yet?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1058

“Turn me into a maggot! Turn me into a flobberworm! Anything but the dementors!”

I love how Pettigrew is the lowest form of sniveling prick. Anything to get out of the bed he made.

“Ron! Haven’t I been a good friend? A good pet? You won’t let them give me to the dementors, will you? I was your rat!”

You hit Lockhart with a rock but not this guy?

“Sweet girl! Clever girl! Surely you won’t let them…”

Yeah, try her. See how well that goes over.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1059

“This motherfucker’s ruining our moment.’

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1060

“… anyway…”

Sure, just ignore all that. We’re in the clear now. Let’s not make sure we don’t fuck up the one thing that keeps me from being killed by dementors.

Some security those dementors have going on, too. Do they not see the dude they’re looking for on the grounds? Because there’s like a hundred of them here.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1061

“I don’t know if you know, Harry… but when you were born, James and Lily made me your godfather.”

“I know.”

“I can understand if you choose to stay with your aunt and uncle… but if you ever wanted a different home…”

And right there, he becomes my favorite character in the franchise. (The Gary Oldman part helps.)

“What? Come and live with you?”

“It’s just a thought. I can understand if you don’t want to.”

This is such a touching moment and it’s absolutely hilarious that Lupin is basically beating the shit out of a prisoner in the background.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1062

Uh oh.

Colin:

Waxing gibbous.

Oh man – those moons. Always rising within seconds…

Did no one bring a sniper rifle? One shot’ll take care of that shit NO PROBLEM.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1063

When you’re trying to keep your shit together at the club and your jam comes on.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1064

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1065

Requiem for a Werewolf.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1066

” Remus, my old friend! Have you taken your potion tonight?”

They have meds for werewolves?

Or does potion mean a lil somethin’ somethin’? I didn’t take my potion tonight, either… if you know what I mean.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1067

And now he’s turning into Mathieu Amalric.

So, what is the deal with werewolves? Do they have to physically look at the moon or does the moon just need to be out? Seems like it’s the former, since nothing happens until the clouds clear.

Also, why would you plan any of this when you knew there was a full goddamn moon tonight?

The events of this movie feel like they all took place within the span of a couple weeks even though supposedly they take place over the course of an entire year.

But think about it — the Buckbeak thing happens in the first week of classes in September. Lupin only has two werewolf transformations in the film. One in September, now one in October. The pumpkins are still at Hagrid’s. Presumably it took a couple of weeks for them to make the stink about Buckbeak and then for Dumbledore and Hagrid to argue back and turn it into a trial, which would take some time to set up. Plus then you get the execution date. Figure one trip to Hogsmeade per month. This all makes sense if the film happens within the span of two months. And then I could buy him finding out about Pettigrew, taking a couple of days to realize he’s still alive and then going, “Okay, we gotta take care of this now.” But otherwise, this just feels like they took a month to plan this and picked the exact worst night possible.

Unless that werewolf potion actually works or allows him to control it and he just forgot to take it in excitement. Which, also…. don’t buy it. The logic is really flawed here.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1068

Does someone get that for him or does he have to search the grounds for it afterward?

Oh, but wait… LOST WANDS. The Marauder’s Map picks up the plot hole!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1069

You look a bit bloated there, Pete.

Did you just get Aunt Margie’d?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1070

Look at that pose. A born model.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1071

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1072

Oh, so NOW Expelliarmus works that way…

Also, what happened to Snape? Did they just leave him lying there, unconscious? Because that’s like, super bad for you.

Colin:

I could have sworn that in the book, they did a Levicorpus and floated him out like Han Solo in carbonite. But it looks like they didn’t. They should have, though. Levicorpus. It’s the sex swing spell.

I don’t know if I’m into any form of wizard sex that involves a spell with the root of the word “corpse” in it. I know it’s Latin for “body,” but still — phrasing.

Also, can we make it canon that the spell “Habeas Corpus” is what women use when dudes won’t leave them the fuck alone?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1073

Look at Hermione’s face. “Motherfucker, don’t you even try.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1074

That’s my flirting face.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1075

That too.

He looks like the kid from That’s So Raven.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1076

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1077

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1078

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1079

And he’s gone.

Colin:

What? Why is it that when they made Pettigrew a human again, he has clothes on, but when he goes rat this time, he leaves his clothes? We’ve seen McGonagall pop out of cat form several times, always with her clothes on. Does she leave empty robes wherever she transforms?

Oh man oh man I fucking HOPE SO!

Colin:

What is it with us and elderly British ladies?

Now THERE’S a subtitle!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1080

Jeez… werewolf transformations take for-EVER. Come on, man, we got dinner reservations. I was ready like thirty minutes ago.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1081

There’s a shot.

Why has no movie done that before? Sex up against a wall and all of a sudden the dude’s shirt rips like the Incredible fucking Hulk.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1082

Yeah, I’m sure bones do that.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1083

Why are you holding onto one another and not either getting the fuck out of there or trying to catch Pettigrew?

Also, PETRIFICUS TOTALUS MOTHERFUCKER. It works.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1084

“Left, two three four, right two three four…”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1085

See the dead in his eyes. That’s the realization that you wasted your life taking those accordion lessons.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1086

Uh oh. You know what that means…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1087

Yup!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1088

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1089

“… are you all right?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1090

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1091

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1092

Spooky, scary.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1093

You guys are still just fucking standing there.

Though at least Harry looks like he’s about to Leroy Jenkins this shit.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1094

Impeccable timing, Severus. Truly impeccable.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1095

I love that he was about to fuck up Harry and is now trying to protect him. Snape’s the best. His priorities are always in the right place.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1096

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1097

PIMP SMACK!

The sound effect here is AMAZING. It’s a real FWOMPF.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1098

Good thing we got those knees in the shot.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1099

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1100

OH BUT THERE’S SIRIUS!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1101

ANIMAL FIGHT!!!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1102

Usually you can only have these sorts of fights in Mexico.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1103

Which person do you think is most turned on right now?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1104

This looks like an elaborate balancing act to try to steal the treats off the top shelf.

Also, are you immune to lycanthropy when you’re in animagus form or something?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1105

“Oh man! Just when I was gonna have a happy home life!”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1106

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1107

You have a wand and you throw a rock at it? Try like, the tickling charm or something.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1108

Typical CGI monster. Growls first. Like, “WHY DID YOU HIT ME WITH THAT ROCK?” By the time he gets done growling, I’d have already been sprinting for twenty paces at Harry, ready to tear out his jugular.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1109

He knows it, too.

Where’s Firenze in all this? Where are any of the centaurs?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1110

But wait…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1111

A were-booty call.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1112

“I’m so torn right now… I want to kill him, but I also want some pussy.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1113

“Okay, fine. At least I’ll get to tear something up.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1114

You made the right choice.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1115

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1116

And then he awkwardly just peaces.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1117

Total commercial point for the broadcast edit.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1118

Don’t the sets just feel better in this movie versus the first two?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1119

If Lupin has sex as a werewolf around these trees, does that make that some randy moss?! (I have no shame.)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1120

That is a suspiciously perfectly placed little fog cloud back there.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1121

So he has his clothes on, but not Pettigrew? Is it like a sexual thing for Pettigrew? Because that was a pretty nice pinstriped suit to just be throwing away like that.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1122

“Is he dead?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1123

“You can’t be SERIOUS!”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1124

“Oh god, did I really just say that?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1125

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1126

You know what that means…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1127

Hockey season!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1128

Colin:

You think they have dementors around to make skating rinks?

That’s what happens when they retire from Azkaban. They become professional zambonis.

(Somebody PLEASE photoshop me a picture of a Dementor icing up a rink and the crowd cheering.)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1129

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1130

Is that just a thing you do when you become a fugitive? Get prison tats?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1131

Wow – that’s incongruous. He just woke up, screamed, then passed out again immediately?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1132

He can’t feel his legs.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1133

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1134

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1135

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1136

Colin:

Nice fucking shot. It’s a twister of dementors, and they’re on the [Helen] hunt.

Helen Hunt because Helen hungry.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1137

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1138

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1139

“Expecto Patronum!”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1140

I love that Sirius is like, “Do you really think that shit’s actually gonna work?”

Or maybe he’s just unconscious.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1141

Oh damn. He got that Spirit Bomb going.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1142

It’s weird how they’re not attacking, just sort of circling like vultures.

But vultures can’t kill you by kissing you. (No, only my ex-wife can do that. Up top!)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1143

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1144

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1145

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1146

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1147

They’re all taking horrible angles at this. Can’t you just come up from behind him?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1148

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1149

There you go.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1150

Oh, good job, and now you get to die too.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1151

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1152

That’s it, you just give up?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1153

Jesus. Dementors be kissing them left and right.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1154

Just like in Hocus Pocus.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1155

Where’s Dumbledore in all this, exactly?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1156

How long does it take to suck a person’s soul out through their face?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1157

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1158

What is this, The Green Mile?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1159

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1160

That’s his soul?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1161

What the fuck is that shit?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1162

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1163

Do none of them instinctively go over there? I thought they feed off the patronus energy or whatever.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1164

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1165

Colin:

How great would it be if the Anglia came out of nowhere and just slammed into the deer?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1166

I like how it’s just standing there like, “Hmm.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1167

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1168

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1169

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1170

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1171

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1172

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1173

“I can’t feel my legs!”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1174

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1175

Weird how absolutely no one is around to see this.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1176

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1177

Colin:

What is this, a Mentos ad?

Why do we never see this cove again? It’s a nice location.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1178

Yet another situation in which Harry has almost everything done for him. Sure, it’s being done for him by himself, but that’s a narrative cop out more than anything.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1179

So he was just clinically dead for a good two minutes.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1180

Weird that he didn’t hear himself yell “Expecto Patronum” during all that.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1181

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1182

We’ve all been there.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1183

You can tell they’re family. Look at how similarly they’re splayed out.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1184

But also, like — that doesn’t get rid of the dementors forever. They’re gonna be back in like, five minutes.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1185

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1186

And that’s the end of the movie.

Oh, wait, it’s not. It’s just the END OF PART IV.

Because that’s right, bitches, we get to redo Act Three all over again!

If they’re gonna fuck with time, I’m gonna fuck with time.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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