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Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Part V — “Look at the Size of That Pumpkin Dick”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Part five.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

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We begin Part V with Harry in the hospital. Where all of these movies seem to end.

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He looks like Robert Pattinson in the final stages of AIDS.

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Right, though?

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Harry thinks he saw his father across the lake. Hermione ain’t got time for that. They captured Sirius, and they’re gonna execute him at dawn.

It took FOUR months to execute a fucking hippogriff, but this dude — “Let’s not waste time, two hours is enough.”

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I open doors like a badass, motherfucker.

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“You gotta do something!”

I love how Ron is just there during all of this. He does NOTHING in this movie.

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They tell Dumbledore Sirius is innocent.

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Dumbledore believes them like it’s nothing but says no one else will. (No one in this franchise seems to believe in trying shit.)

I also love how Dumbledore knew Sirius was innocent yet let him spend 12 years locked up in Azkaban. Dumbledore Being a Dick, Exhibit #43B

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Dumbledore Being a Dick, Exhibit #43C

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“Oh, if you weren’t the headmaster, I’d fuck your day up REAL good.”

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A clock struck and all of a sudden he turned into House.

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“Mysterious thing, time…”

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“Sirius Black is in the top most cell of the Dark Tower.” (They have a Dark Tower?)

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“You know the laws, Miss Granger. You must not be seen.”

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“And you would do well, I feel, to return before this last chime. If not, the consequences are too ghastly to discuss.”

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“What the fuck is he talking about?”

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“If you succeed tonight, more than one innocent life may be spared.”

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“Three turns should do it, I think.”

Colin:

This always confused me. He may know when the Buckbeak business was supposed to go down, but what if there was stuff that needed to be taken care of before even that, and he didn’t know? What if Harry and Hermione want to go back even farther and use a sports almanac to place bets on Quidditch matches?

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Colin:

I was sorry about Richard Harris, but I’m a big fan of Michael Gambon. Big fan.

Let’s just stop to talk about this for a second – Dumbledore (all right, McGonagall, but let’s be serious now) has given her a borderline-illegal time turner. He’s already hinted at the fucked up shit that happens when you mess with time. Naturally he’s been letting her do this all year. And now, when shit’s really about to hit the fan, he has them do it for him. The most powerful wizard in the world, and he sends thirteen-year-olds to go do shit. Which is funny, since those two were seen by at least three professors and three students over the course of the evening. Dumbledore was only seen by about four people and is constantly hard to locate and appearing and disappearing from places. So the choice of having them go do this and not himself is really quite humorous.

Colin:

Good call. Why do they have to do EVERYTHING? Is this just so they don’t have dirt on him? Like that would even matter. It’s pretty messed up that he’s having them do this. They only risk being expelled, arrested, killed, or having their souls sucked out. Seems like stuff a couple of third-year students would be perfect for.

It’s hard out here for a Gryff.

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“Oh, and when in doubt, I find retracing my steps to be a wise place to begin.” (Well it is how Pee-Wee found his bike.)

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“Here’s Dumbie!” (Which, actually sounds like a cross between Dumbo and Gumby. Something I don’t want to think about any further less my brain explode from too much awesome at once.)

Colin:

What if Pokey was a hippogriff?

Subtitle.

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“Sorry, Ron, non-cripples only.”

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“What the fuck is this?” Funny, you’d think the words “time turner” would have given it away.

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Colin:

She slapped the shit out of his hand! Hermione has very quickly gone from my least favorite of the three to the best by far.

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Lot of people not explaining shit at the right time in this movie. A lot of unnecessary complication here.

Colin:

That’s on a pretty well-oiled ball bearing, and she seems to be wearing it all the time. Couldn’t it just spin under her sweatshirt and send her back in time randomly? Maybe it has an invisible clasp made of magic so that JK Rowling doesn’t need to explain her bullshit to us and has free license to make shit up. 

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Colin:

Going backwards through 8:15pm. If it weren’t so blurry, you’d see Penelope Clearwater getting an abortion on the right there. Snape was on hand to brew some Morning After Potion.

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Colin:

Good thing three hours ago was the only moment over that whole period of time when there weren’t people standing there.

See, what I love is that they captured Sirius and immediately didn’t kill him. The dementors were in the process of killing him until Harry patronus’d them away. Then he passed out, at which point the dementors could have just come right back and killed them both. But apparently they were found by someone else, Sirius was taken to the castle to the Dark Tower, and will be killed by the dementors in a little while instead. I guess capital punishment does exist in the wizarding world.

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“Where were we at 7:30?”

I love that, by the way. No fucking around. Where were we? Wouldn’t it be funny if a Terminator showed up? “I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.”

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You weren’t kidding. Hugo Potter.

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And moving through glass.

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Jesus, they’re running like McConaughey into the jungle.

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“Will you tell me what the hell we’re doing?”

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“That’s us.”

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Hermione explains the time turner. McGonagall gave it to her. She’s been using it to get to classes all year. (Apparently badly, since she just sort of appears out of nowhere, late. Wouldn’t you show up just as everyone’s sitting down?)

Colin:

So she’s using the time turner to take extra classes, meaning she’s up for however many hours extra every day?

But seriously, though. That’s crazy level commitment right there. Who would do that? And this is coming from someone who not once in his academic career pulled a work-related all-nighter. Why the fuck would you stay awake extra hours when you can get sleep? That’s fucking ridiculous.

Colin:

I guess you could use it to sleep more too. That’d be nice. But you’d age faster than everyone else. Not as nice.

Hermione must be mainlining some Expressos Maximus into her arm just to stay awake. Which – Harry Potter TV series idea: Wizard drug dealers. Do they have special wands? Do they shoot the drugs by pressing their wands to your arm and shooting the drugs in that way? Wizarding drugs must be awesome. I’d go to a Quidditch match on acid. Go to a wizard’s ball on E. That would be fun as shit. Do you think wizard ecstasy is called “Molly Weasley”?

Colin:

Also, ever notice how Harry’s the only one who gets to have a birthday? They mention his birthday in practically every book. Hermione and Ron’s birthdays are while they’re at school (September and March, respectively), but nobody gives a shit about them.

I love that you dropped their birthday months in there as an aside. The “respectively” is what made it. Like, “Respectively, I am a baller and I do enjoy running my shit.”

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What’s with that pentagram over there?

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Oh man, she fucked him UP!

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“Good punch.”

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“Thanks.”

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Yeah, but I’m sure the movies are setting her up with Ron.

Colin:

That bitch’s hair be making a heart shape.

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I love how no one else randomly walks by. Colin Creevey… “Hey guys, what’s going on?”

Colin:

That basilisk put him in his place. He doesn’t try to get in anyone’s way until the final film, when…aw…he gets put in his place.

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They realize Buckbeak is who they’re supposed to save.

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Thank god those overly-sized pumpkins are there.

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Hermione’s really smart about this shit. They can’t steal Buckbeak until Fudge sees him or else he’ll think Hagrid did it.

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“That’s Pettigrew.”

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“Harry, you can’t!”

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“You’re in Hagrid’s hut now. If you just go bursting in, you’ll think you’ve gone mad. Awful things happen to wizards who meddle with time, Harry.”

They marry Weasleys, I guess.

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“Why aren’t we leaving?”

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“Oh, right.”

Colin:

Look at the size of that pumpkin dick.

Wizard dildos — what are they made from?

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“Omanyte, I choose you!”

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I can buy that. After all, she did pick Harry up with one arm from a moving tree branch. (Also, did we ever ask why Hagrid randomly has a jar full of sand in his hut?)

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GRENADE!

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“Oww! That hurt.”

Rafiki:

Who cares? It is in the past!

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Not gonna lie, this was always my favorite part of all the movies.

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Colin:

“God damn, I look GOOD.”

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“Good as hell.”

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“I thought I just saw – never mind.” This tells me she’d be like the Robert De Niro of the Deer Hunter crew. She can handle fucked up shit like Russian Roulette and seeing herself standing in front of herself and wouldn’t snap.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Wizard Russian Roulette

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Colin:

You don’t want to mess with crows. It’s been proven that they remember human faces, and they will fuck you up.

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Look at this badass. About to get his head cutoff and still bowing at people.

Weird that he doesn’t just lift the fucking thing off the latch and fly away, though.

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What I want to know is — does Buckbeak realize he just saw Harry run up the hill and is now seeing him right next to him?

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Yeah, that’s smart… taunt the crow.

(Also, this reminds me of a shot in Kill Bill Vol. 2. The crow is Pai Mei.)

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This I don’t get. Why wouldn’t he go with them? I guess he doesn’t know he’s about to die.

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“What? Food?” And instantly Buckbeak becomes one of the most relatable characters in the film.

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Colin:

We should probably take a moment to address how bizarre it is that the Minister of Magic is attending an animal execution while a dangerous fugitive is at large.

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“It’s the po-po!”

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“I didn’t do it!”

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I love how Dumbledore stalls for time here. Motherfucker knows everything.

Colin:

Dumbledore’s running interference, now GO!

The weird thing here is — does Dumbledore just do shit all the time just in case a time turner is in effect? Because he’s stalling like a motherfucker as if he knows all of this is gonna go down and that time is a flat circle.

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Love this shot. Look at Buckbeak.

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Colin:

GET yo hands off this ferret! Hermione’s a fucking BOSS! She hasn’t even done the bowing thing, and she just fucking backhanded it!

She’s been to a couple of frat parties.

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“How could Hagrid have anything to do with it? He was with us the whole time.”

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“We must search the grounds.” “Search the skies if you must. Meanwhile, Imma go get shitty with my man Hagrid over here.”

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How’s that crow taste, motherfucker?

Colin:

It’s great how Dumbledore can be shitty about the whole thing, barely acting like he doesn’t know exactly what happened, and nobody’s gonna say shit to him cause he’s Dumbledore.

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It’s great how obvious stand-ins are when you pause at the right moment.

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One thing they never considered during all this – what if Buckbeak gets the Itis from eating all those ferrets and doesn’t want to go rescue Sirius?

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Colin:

So…a simple spell that completely disarms the Whomping Willow? That would have been handy a little while ago before Hermione got tentacle raped. Too bad she didn’t know it. But it’s the same spell she used on some Cornish pixies in Chamber of Secrets. Way to go, Rowling, you tentacle raped Hermione for nothing. Well, I’m sure it helped with the Japanese box office numbers, so it wasn’t for NOTHING, but….

That tree certainly cornished her pixie. And also — Snape is just right behind him? Lupin went into that tree not five seconds ago. Snape didn’t show up for like four minutes after Lupin entered the Shrieking Shack.

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Colin:

“And now we wait.”

“…Quickie?”

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Colin:

*sigh*

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Colin:

“… Okay.”

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He’s gonna Whomp that Willow like a motherfucker. (THAT’S why Hermione howls later.)

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Nice shot.

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Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

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Lot of scenes of shit flying in this one.

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Colin:

Buckbeak. Yes. CHOMP.

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Cockblocked by the bats.

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“At least someone’s enjoying themselves…” (Note: She actually says this.) How is Hermione NOT the best character of the three?

Colin:

She definitely is. Harry’s a whiny bitch who has to deal with his tortured past and [mo]Ron has the IQ of a garden gnome (remember those?) and isn’t very useful. Hermione’s got humor, brains, authority, and eventually looks. Clearly the best. I feel like we all know this, but for posterity’s sake — Hermione ends up with Ron as a consolation prize. It would be too much for her to end up with Harry, cause then the whole thing is about Harry and Ron’s the odd man out at the end. This is also why Rowling works Ginny in later, which I’ll complain about at that time.

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They talk about what happened down by the lake. Harry says it was a mistake and he slipped. He’d never attempt to do that without asking her first.

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Oh, and then they talk about the dementor thing too. She overheard Snape saying it was an actual patronus and that only a really powerful wizard could have conjured it. Harry says it was his father.

Colin:

“I’m just telling you what I saw.” So, not to go all Cousin Vinny on you here, but you’re telling us…what you saw? The kid without his glasses on who was on the verge of passing out?

Who just had a small part of his soul sucked out seconds before?

Colin:

You’re positive of that thing you saw in the dark, about 100 feet across a lake? I’m sure your convictions are strong. I’m gonna go with ‘you’re full of shit’ though.

Oh, those yutes…

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“But Harry, your dad’s…”

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“Dead, I know.”

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“Oh, well fuck ME all to hell, then.”

Harry:

I’m trying to.

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Her last words before she stands up are, “Here we come.”

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Harry tells her Sirius asked him to live with him.

“I’ll be free. I’ll never have to go back to the Dursleys’.”

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“We’ll have a place to fuck.”

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“It’ll just be me and him.”

Previous quote still stands.

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“We can live in the country…”

A man can live there… and a woman.

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“Some place you can see the sky…”

Wow, that was scarily more accurate than I thought it was gonna be.

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I know it’s the moon, but doesn’t it look like we went into special lighting just so he could do his monologue?

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But actually. Werewolves of London.

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“Aah-ooooh!”

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Somebody didn’t think about the after-effects of this decision.

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And she says it, too! “Yeah, didn’t think about that.” She’s awesome.

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I love how in movies when they cut to people running into the forest, they always manage to be in the forest. They cover enough ground to where you can’t see the entrance in the span of one cut. Yeah… I’m sure they got that far in that short an amount of time.

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Colin:

Good plan. Hide behind that tree. I hear werewolves don’t hear or smell too good.

I can relate :(

Colin:

If you guys are new to the series, Mike’s a Puerto Rican with no sense of smell. 

We don’t do exposition or fact-checking here.

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Looks like they’re sneaking off to have sex.

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Uh oh.

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I know I say this a lot, but now he actually IS gonna rape ya.

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Colin:

You cower together? THAT’S your course of action? No wands out? I’d be blasting like a motherfucker. Got this gat at Ollivander’s.

I just pictured Ollivander stroking a wand — “Seven-six-two millimeter… full maple dragon string!”

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Buckbeak looks like a flasher.

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He slaps the SHIT out of Lupin’s head, too. It’s pretty great.

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“That’s right, son! This my house!”

Colin:

Seriously, though. We’ve already seen them shoot fire from their wands and shit like that. There are about fifty things they should be trying before they give up and hug each other. Good thing Buckbeak’s around to save your dumb ass.

I also claim hippogriffs as American cause they’re kinda like eagles and we’ve got horses too, so…that’s the second time America’s saved Harry Potter from something about to fuck him up in the forest. We don’t take credit for Firenze. Centaurs are not American.

It kinda looks like they’re making out back there. Kinda like… actually, let’s wait on that. We’ll get there. And there will be screenshots.

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It’s funny that the thing that looks most CGI on that hippogriff is its chain.

Wait… is that bling?

Colin:

WOW. It’s shocking just how appalling that CGI looks as a screenshot. The rest aren’t that bad, but look at this. Looks like they drew it in MS Paint from Windows 95, printed it, then took a photo of the printout on an original Motorola RAZR and just uploaded that.

KidPix, baby.

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“You bitches okay?”

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“Thanks, man. I’m definitely gonna get some now.”

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Oh, but wait, there’s more.

♫ “Come little children…” 

Right, though?

Colin:

The scariest thing about that was picturing Sarah Jessica Parker as a dementor and then going, “… fair enough.”

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“I ain’t never gonna get the dick, am I?”

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Why the fuck are you holding hands? What is this, The Defiant Ones?

Colin:

He doesn’t even say thanks. God. For the savior of the wizarding world, Harry’s got some shitty manners.

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What if he just stood there right now and did nothing?

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“Don’t worry, my dad will come.”

Oh, so he is just gonna stand there and do nothing.

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Colin:

“Any minute now.” He’s so stupid! “I just happen to be standing in the same spot my “dad” was, and he’s not showing up! I wonder what the problem is? Idiot.

This is religion in a nutshell, this scene.

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“Harry, listen to me – no one’s coming.”

“Don’t worry, he will!”

Or maybe it’s the Great Pumpkin. Either way, you keep this shit up, no one IS coming tonight, Harry. My favorite is that Harry says, “He will come!” and we immediately cut to this:

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That’s the equivalent of being like, “He’s gonna be fine,” and then cutting to six dudes beating the living fuck out of him.

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And just like that, Harry’s faith is shattered.

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“OPTIMUS!”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1368

Bringing me back to my original point – how the fuck do you not hear someone shout that from across the lake?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1369

Patronum rhymes with scrotum.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1370

Colin:

That spell would look fifteen and a half times better if it had a cool wand motion. It’s too rigid.

And where’s the stag? The first time we see this scene, the stag is chilling there before the light even starts to emanate. And then in the book, when Harry finally does it, the stag comes back and he realizes it’s his dad, the “Prongs” from the Marauder’s Map. But we don’t find that out in the film. What’s with that? This film franchise is like a big inside joke; they’re telling us mundane shit that we don’t care about and leaving out details like the fact that his dad was an author of the map and an Animagus that turned into a stag.

I like that Hermione’s holding onto the tree back there like the spell’s making her so horny she can’t even stand.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1371

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1372

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1373

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1374

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1375

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1376

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1377

“Let’s go get a taco.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1378

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1379

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1380

Colin:

I hate it when shit like this happens. “I knew I could do it this time, cause…well….I’d already done it!” That’s not how the universe works! That’s CHEATING! Its existence justifies its own existence. (Like the Republican Party.)

I like how Hermione’s looking at him like, “Harry, you just stabbed a guy with a trident.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1381

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1382

Hermione screams as they dip down. No one hears that? Wouldn’t you check out the window if it sounds like someone’s getting raped in the butt? She sounds like Toad getting hit with a red shell. (I guess that’s what surprise buttsex does sound like.)

Colin:

This was exactly my thinking on the matter as well.

That surprise buttsex sounds like when you hit Toad with a red shell?

Colin:

And later on, too. Sirius yells at the top of his lungs. That surely won’t alert the several hundred dementors that are still in the immediate vicinity. Then again, even if we get attacked by dementors again, there’s no longer any tension because Harry can always repel them with the Patronus charm that he can now do because he saw himself doing it, and that makes sense. WHAT THE FUCK, ROWLING, PUT IN AN HONEST DAY’S WORK FOR ONCE AND CLEAN THIS THE FUCK UP.

Love the visuals here, though.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1383

We have those.

Colin:

This is sorta like Snape following Lupin earlier. It doesn’t really make sense with the timeline, at least the way they showed it. It appears that Harry sent the dementors away, he and Hermione run back to Buckbeak, who’s literally just down the hill, they get on and fly him back to the castle, and Oldman’s already been magically whisked away to Delaware the high tower where he’s being held. Wouldn’t there be at least a reasonable gap there where he was found, picked up, brought back and thrown in the cell? Wouldn’t Harry and Hermione get there WAY before Sirius? Did they ACTUALLY go get a taco on the way?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1384

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1385

“All right, now, Gary – we’re gonna track in real fast, and you’re gonna stay perfectly still. Then you’re gonna turn your head real fast and give your best Charles Manson impression. Ready, go.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1386

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1387

“Bombardo!”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1388

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1389

Colin:

Okay! I see we’ve done away with Alohomora! She just blasted the fuck out of that door. Hermione’s a champ. But why didn’t they try a spell like that on Lupin? We were worried we might hurt him too much, so we decided to just let him kill us!

I’m pretty sure that’s the, “Let’s fuck some shit up!” spell. RAMPAGE!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1390

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1391

I fucking hate that everyone has to make that “woo hoo” sound. Why would you do that to Gary?

Colin:

Why would you do that to HERMIONE? He looks like he’s doing unspeakable things to her butthole right now.

I think we found the fourth unforgivable spell.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1392

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1393

I love that they break him out of prison and he’s just sort of hanging out in the quad area of the campus. They rescue him within thirty minutes of them killing him. You’d think someone would notice. Wouldn’t you put a dementor outside his cell or something? Isn’t that what they do at Azkaban? How the fuck does no one see this happening? No one else knows he’s innocent yet. How does nobody see this? Is there no one in the center of campus to witness this? Why wouldn’t you take him somewhere else to say goodbye? WHAT THE FUCK?

Colin:

Okay, thank you. Being the crazy nit-picker is usually my thing. I really appreciate this, cause it all makes perfect sense. They have NO business being here whatsoever. There should have been a dementor there to see them break him out. The man has already broken out of the world’s most secure prison, and you decide to leave him in a little wussy cell like that with NO GUARD? I bet Andy Dufresne could have busted out of there in time, and he wasn’t even magic.

If there’s no shit pipe then it’s not even worth it.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1394

Harry wants to go with him.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1395

Sirius says his life is gonna be too unpredictable for the next few months.

As if it wasn’t before this. Where have you been living, exactly?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1396

“Besides – you’re meant to be here.”

Because of that whole, ‘your destiny is to die’ thing?

“But, you’re innocent.”

“And you know it. For now, that’ll do.”

For how long, exactly? Because people are trying to kill you.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1397

“I expect you’re tired of hearing this, but you look so like your father. Except your eyes. You have –”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1398

“My mother’s eyes.”

Colin:

The number of times Harry’s been told he has his mother’s eyes makes me think that Lily Potter used to sit around as people came to stare into her eyes for no reason. “This doesn’t make sense now, but one day, it’ll come in handy when you recognize them somewhere else!” I don’t know what my friends’ eyes look like. Mike could have purple eyes and I wouldn’t know. I don’t know what color eyes Puerto Ricans have.

I’d say “I Don’t Know What Color Eyes Puerto Ricans Have” should be the subtitle, but that may be way too inside.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1399

“It’s cruel that I got to spend so much time with James and Lily and you so little.”

What?

“But know this – the ones that love us never really leave us. And you can always find them –”

In the dumpster out back of IHOP?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1400

“ – in here.”

Oh.

Also, prison tats.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1401

Colin:

The whole, “dead people live on within us, in our hearts” thing is such a cliché. I think even if I watched a loved one get murdered in front of me, and someone tried to comfort me with that line, I’d be like, “Yeah, I’ve seen a fucking movie before, asshole.”

It’s the clutching his chest afterwards that makes it extra corny.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1402

Nah, who needs a saddle? We’ll just chain him up!

Do you think Sirius bowed? Or does Gary Oldman bow for no one?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1403

Apparently all animals you ride on do this before they ride off. Or maybe he’s just being choked by a fucking CHAIN!

Colin:

Choking the hippogriff. That’s exactly what it sounds like.

Masturbating.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1404

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1405

And there he goes. Gary Oldman riding into the moonlight on a hippogriff.

How like life.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1406

Is Lupin dead? Or is he just rubbing his dick on tree bark somewhere in the forest?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1407

I do love how no one wonders, “You think Lupin is dead?” Hermione does notice the time, though. (Right one’s still bigger.)

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1408

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1409

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1410

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1411

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1412

Colin:

They run up stairs FAST!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1413

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1414

“Well?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1415

“He’s free. We did it.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1416

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1417

“Did what?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1418

“Good night.”

Colin:

Best delivery of the franchise.

Best moment IN the franchise.

Colin:

Oh, you know…as for delivery, it still might tie with Malfoy in Chamber of Secrets. “I didn’t know you could read.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1419

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1420

He looks like Donald Sutherland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1421

“What’s he talking about, Harry?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1422

“I don’t know. Honestly, Ron, how can somebody be in two places at once?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1423

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1424

Colin:

They’re doing that laugh like, “We just fucked in the broom closet and he doesn’t know.”

I just realized that’s my usual laugh.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1425

But actually. You don’t say some shit like that and then laugh. Obviously they’re in on some shit.

Plus — didn’t they just explain what was going on with him in the room like seconds ago?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1426

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1427

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1428

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1429

Colin:

The Whomping Willow just fucks up birds on a regular basis, huh? How long does that immobilizing charm last?

Long enough to party.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1430

I like how it sighs afterward, like, “…ahh, good to be home again.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1431

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1432

I love this Defense Against the Dark Arts office/classroom.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1433

Lupin resigned.

Why? It seems he only really had two incidents. And the potions he takes seem to help. Plus all he really needs to do is stay inside three nights a month.

Oh, or is it the whole “my best friend is a fugitive and I helped him” thing?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1434

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1435

Colin:

What was that paper he just tore up and threw in the fire? I mean, I get it, the Allies will overrun this position any day. But what was that paper?

Reminds me of this tweet someone wrote (I’m paraphrasing): “If you walk into any business executive’s office and say, ”Shred everything,’ they’ll just start doing it, no questions asked.” One of my favorite things anyone’s ever tweeted.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1436

He’s resigned because someone let slip the nature of his condition, and starting tomorrow, parents will start complaining because they don’t want their kids taught by “someone like me.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1437

“Besides, people like me are – let’s just say that I’m used to it by now.” See why I thought he was gay?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1438

Colin:

Ah yes. The neat little suitcase set. He either flies around the country firing people for a living, or his ailment has made him a social pariah. One or the other.

Can we start calling Lupin Magic Johnson?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1439

“Why do you look so miserable, Harry?”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1440

“None of it made any difference. Pettigrew escaped.”

But actually, though.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1441

Lupin practically slaps the shit out of him. “Motherfucker, it made a lot of difference! Your godfather was gonna be fucking dead!”

But only because he escaped. Why did he escape, exactly? Or was this just a Dufresne situation? Did it take him 12 years to get out?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1442

He also gives him the Marauder’s Map back. Since he’s not his teacher anymore.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1443

“So now I’ll say goodbye, Harry. I feel sure we’ll meet again some time. Until then –”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1444

“Mischief managed.”

Colin:

Thanks for explaining the map to us, dickbrain.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1445

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1446

Is he just leaving all his shit there? Gonna make the house elves get it or something?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1447

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1448

Colin:

YEAH! The ghosts on horses again! Their whole M.O. is just to ride around holding severed heads and laughing about shit. Possibly my favorite characters in the franchise.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1449

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1450

Harry’s got a present.

Colin:

Oh look, the black, black kid is back.

And he’s got a bitch with him!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1451

It’s a Firebolt.

How could Sirius afford that?

And why does Harry not have to pay for a single goddamn thing in his entire life?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1452

She want it.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1453

Is that a sex games thing? Hey, remember that movie 40 Days and 40 Nights where Josh Hartnett brings a chick to orgasm with a feather? Because I do. And I’m not above making a reference to it. Because I know you all remember it too.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1454

I’d be the person who got wasted and just climbed on top of that thing and shouted at people when I passed by the entrance.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1455

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1456

Is there a fucking bow on it?

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1458

“Hermione… touch it. It needs it.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1459

I never understood everyone gathering around for shit like that. It always takes me out of movies. Like when everyone starts cheering and applauding out of nowhere. Once that happens to me in life, then I’ll let it slide.

Colin:

Especially since it seems like for the rest of the year, every year, the whole school leaves him the fuck alone unless they hate him for some reason. As long as he’s neutral with everyone, he just chills with Ron and Hermione and nobody pays attention to him. But once he gets a Firebolt, everyone’s gotta watch. Don’t even bother, you guys. Next year, Malfoy’s gonna have a Firebolt 2. Nah, I’m kidding. As it stands, the Firebolt is STILL the fastest broomstick in the Harry Potter universe, cause for the few years we cared about brooms a better one came out every year, and after that a new broom never came out again. That’s how things work, right? 

Until the new iBroom comes out.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1460

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1461

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1462

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1463

Maybe not have your final shot look the same as when you have your soul sucked out by a dementor.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1464

Love these credits, by the way. “Lumos. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1465

Badass. One more curious thing during the credits I’d like to direct your attention to…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1466

I’m assuming you all know how the Marauder’s Map works by now. Right here, down in the corner…

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1467

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1468

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1469

Is that two people fucking? I’m pretty sure that’s two people fucking.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - 1470

Mischief managed, indeed.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow, we’ll go over our favorite images from the film, and Sunday, we’ll write up our final thoughts about it. And then Monday, we start Goblet of Fire.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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