Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004), Part V — “Look at the Size of That Pumpkin Dick”

This week, we have another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

We begin Part V with Harry in the hospital. Where all of these movies seem to end.

He looks like Robert Pattinson in the final stages of AIDS.

Do you think Madame Pomfrey just keeps a bed set aside for him at this point?

Harry thinks he saw his father across the lake. Hermione ain’t got time for that. They captured Sirius.

“Any minute the Dementors are going to perform the kiss.”

“It’s what Dementors do to those they want to destroy. They clamp their jaws over the victim’s mouth and… suck out his soul.”

That explains those fucked up teeth.

“You mean, they’re going to kill Sirius?”

“No. It’s worse. Much worse. You go on living. But you have no memory. No sense of self. You’re just a shall. An empty shell…”

So a lobotomy, is basically what this is.

Also, it took FOUR months to execute a fucking hippogriff, but this dude — “Let’s not waste time, two hours is enough.”

I open doors like a badass, motherfucker.

“Headmaster! You’ve got to stop them! They’ve got the wrong man!”

I love how Ron is just there during all of this. He does NOTHING in this movie.

“It’s true, sir. Sirius is innocent.”

“It’s Scabbers who did it!”

“Motherfucker, what?”

“He’s my rat, sir. Only he’s not really Well, he was a rat, he was my brother Percy’s…”

“The point is… we know the truth. Please believe us.”

I like how they just go back to completely ignoring Ron the minute he outlasts his usefulness (which is approximately four seconds after he started talking).

“I do, Miss Granger. But I’m sorry to say the word of three thirteen-year-old wizards will convince few others.”

“A child’s voice, however honest and true, is meaningless to those who have forgotten how to listen.”

What? Why are you waxing poetic all of a sudden?

I also love how Dumbledore knew Sirius was innocent yet let him spend 12 years locked up in Azkaban anyway. Real Dumble-dick move.

Speaking of Dumble-dick moves.

“Oh, if you weren’t the headmaster, I’d fuck your day up REAL good.”

Did he just turn into Lady Macbeth? What the fuck is going on?

“Mysterious thing, time…”

A clock struck and all of a sudden he’s House now?

It’s weird how this is also exactly what happens when he’s about to turn on you and become a bad guy.

“Sirius Black is in the top most cell of the Dark Tower.”

They have a Dark Tower?

“You know the laws, Miss Granger. You must not be seen.”

“And you would do well, I feel, to return before this last chime. If not, the consequences are too ghastly to discuss.”

I like that look. “What the fuck is he talking about?”

“If you succeed tonight, more than one innocent life may be spared.”

“Three turns should do it, I think.”

I mean, yeah, if you’ve got the stamina.

Colin:

This always confused me. He may know when the Buckbeak business was supposed to go down, but what if there was stuff that needed to be taken care of before even that, and he didn’t know? What if Harry and Hermione want to go back even farther and use a sports almanac to place bets on Quidditch matches?

Honestly I’m just glad he didn’t decide to try to go back and stop his parents from being murdered.

Colin:

I was sorry about Richard Harris, but I’m a big fan of Michael Gambon. Big fan.

Let’s just stop to talk about this for a second – Dumbledore (all right, McGonagall, but let’s be serious now) has given Hermione a borderline-illegal time turner. He’s already hinted at the fucked up shit that happens when you mess with time. Naturally he’s been letting her do this all year. (That I can allow, given Hermione’s super competence even next to adults in this world.) And now, when shit’s really about to hit the fan, he has them go do all of this for him. The most powerful wizard in the world and he sends thirteen-year-olds to go do shit. Which is funny, since those two were seen by at least three professors and three students over the course of the evening. Dumbledore was only seen by about four people and is constantly hard to locate and appearing and disappearing from places. So the choice of having them go do this and not himself is really quite humorous.

Colin:

Good call. Why do they have to do EVERYTHING? Is this just so they don’t have dirt on him? Like that would even matter. It’s pretty messed up that he’s having them do this. They only risk being expelled, arrested, killed, or having their souls sucked out. Seems like stuff a couple of third-year students would be perfect for.

It’s hard out here for a Gryff.

“Oh, and when in doubt, I find retracing my steps to be a wise place to begin.”

Well it is how Pee-Wee found his bike…

That’s the only argument for Dumbledore not doing this, by the way. That they know where they were during all of this. But even so… not buying it. He could’ve done everything they’re about to do, since it’s literally just saving Buckbeak and then flying up to the tower to get Sirius out.

Also weird that they knew to go with that exact version of the plan with no more information than where Sirius is, retracing steps and the hint about Buckbeak.

“Here’s Dumbie!” (Which, actually sounds like a cross between Dumbo and Gumby. Something I don’t want to think about any further less my brain explode from too much awesome at once.)

Colin:

What if Pokey was a hippogriff?

Subtitle.

“Sorry, Ron, non-cripples only.”

Which is essentially what she says. “Seeing as how you can’t walk…”  What happened? Is the painkiller spell in the Non-Standard Book of Spells?

“What the fuck is this?”

Funny, you’d think the words “time turner” would have given it away.

Colin:

She slapped the shit out of his hand! Hermione has very quickly gone from my least favorite of the three to the best by far.

This is why we thank Alfonso Cuaron. he’s the one who brought her badassery front and center.

Lot of people not explaining things at the right time in this movie. A lot of unnecessary complication here.

Colin:

That’s on a pretty well-oiled ball bearing, and she seems to be wearing it all the time. Couldn’t it just spin under her sweatshirt and send her back in time randomly? Maybe it has an invisible clasp made of magic so that JK Rowling doesn’t need to explain her bullshit to us and has free license to make shit up.

TV series idea: wearing the time turner during sex and ending up back in the 14th century.

Lotta people were in the hospital today.

Colin:

Going backwards through 8:15pm. If it weren’t so blurry, you’d see Penelope Clearwater getting an abortion on the right there. Snape was on hand to brew some Morning After Potion.

Colin:

Good thing three hours ago was the only moment over that whole period of time when there weren’t people standing there.

“Where were we at 7:30?”

I love that, by the way. No fucking around. Where were we? Wouldn’t it be funny if a Terminator showed up? “I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.”

What I love is that they captured Sirius and immediately didn’t kill him. The dementors were in the process of killing him until Harry patronus’d them away. Then he passed out, at which point the dementors could have just come right back and killed them both. But apparently they were found by someone else, Sirius was taken to the castle to the Dark Tower, and will be killed by the dementors in a little while instead. I guess capital punishment does exist in the wizarding world.

Hugo Potter. You weren’t kidding.

And moving through glass again.

Jesus, they’re running like McConaughey into the jungle at the end of Tropic Thunder.

“Will you tell me what the hell we’re doing?”

I almost yelled at him for not just going with the flow, but arguably this could be him going with the flow and being like, “Will you just tell me what we’re doing so I can be of more use right now?” So I’ll allow it.

“That’s us.”

“This is a Time-Turner, Harry. McGonagall gave it to me first term. This is how I’ve been getting to my lessons all year.”

Apparently badly, since she just sort of appears out of nowhere, late. Wouldn’t you show up just as everyone’s sitting down?

Colin:

So she’s using the time turner to take extra classes, meaning she’s up for however many hours extra every day?

But seriously, though. That’s crazy level commitment right there. Who would do that? And this is coming from someone who not once in his academic career pulled a work-related all-nighter. Why the fuck would you stay awake extra hours when you can get sleep? That’s fucking ridiculous.

Colin:

I guess you could use it to sleep more too. That’d be nice. But you’d age faster than everyone else. Not as nice.

Hermione must be mainlining some Expressos Maximus into her arm just to stay awake. Which – Harry Potter TV series idea: Wizard drug dealers. Do they have special wands? Do they shoot the drugs by pressing their wands to your arm and shooting the drugs in that way? Wizarding drugs must be awesome. I’d go to a Quidditch match on acid. Go to a wizard’s ball on E. That would be fun as shit.

Do you think wizard ecstasy is called “Molly Weasley”?

Colin:

Also, ever notice how Harry’s the only one who gets to have a birthday? They mention his birthday in practically every book. Hermione and Ron’s birthdays are while they’re at school (September and March, respectively), but nobody gives a shit about them.

I love that you dropped their birthday months in there as an aside. The “respectively” is what made it. Like, “Respectively, I am a baller and I do enjoy running my shit.”

I also like how Harry’s like, “So we just went back in time?” You do magic, motherfucker. This should not be that much of a surprise. What the fuck do you think you just saw happen back there? It’s also light out now. What did you think was going on before this exact moment?

Speaking of this exact moment…

“Dumbledore wanted us to return to this moment. Clearly something happened he wants us to change.”

So you don’t actually know what you’re supposed to be doing, just automatically did three turns because the old dude staring off into the distance, talking about time said so?

What’s with that pentagram over there?

Oh man, she really did fuck him up something good.

“Good punch.”

“Thanks.”

Yeah, but I’m sure the movies are setting her up with Ron.

Colin:

That bitch’s hair be making a heart shape.

I like how Draco talks shit on the way out.

“Not a word of this to anyone, understood! I’ll get that jumped-up Mudblood one of these days. Mark my words…”

Pure sniveling villain shit. I love it.

I love how no one else randomly walks by. Colin Creevey… “Hey guys, what’s going on?”

Colin:

That basilisk put him in his place. He doesn’t try to get in anyone’s way until the final film, when…aw…he gets put in his place.

“Look. Buckbeak’s still alive.”

“Of course! Remember what Dumbledore said. If we succeed, more than one innocent life could be spared.”

“Buckbeak? But how will saving Buckbeak help Sirius?”

“We’ll see.”

What do you mean ‘we’ll see?’ Shouldn’t you have an idea already? My god. This is what happens when the plot dictates that you be stupid.

Thank god those overly-sized pumpkins are there.

Hermione’s really smart about this. She realizes they can’t steal Buckbeak until Fudge sees him or else he’ll think Hagrid did it.

“That’s Pettigrew.”

“Harry, you can’t!”

Seriously. For once, control your goddamn anger.

“You’re in Hagrid’s hut now. If you just go bursting in, you’ll think you’ve gone mad. Awful things happen to wizards who meddle with time, Harry.”

They marry Weasleys, I guess.

“Why aren’t we leaving?”

“Oh, right.”

Colin:

Look at the size of that pumpkin dick.

Wizard dildos — what are they made from?

“Omanyte, I choose you!”

I can buy that. After all, she did pick Harry up with one arm from a moving tree branch.

Also, did we ever ask why Hagrid randomly has a jar full of sand in his hut?

GRENADE!

Remember when Dudley got shot in the head with a button earlier in the movie? That was pretty nuts.

“Oww! That hurt.”

Rafiki:

Who cares? It is in the past!

Not gonna lie, this was always my favorite part of all the movies.

Ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost.

Colin:

“God damn, I look GOOD.”

“Good as hell.”

“I thought I just saw – never mind.”

This tells me she’d be like the Robert De Niro of the Deer Hunter crew. She can handle fucked up shit like Russian Roulette and seeing herself standing in front of herself and wouldn’t snap.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Wizard Russian Roulette

Why you creeping, exactly? So you don’t make noise or so the crows don’t come after you?

Also, this technically counts as a bow too.

Colin:

You don’t want to mess with crows. It’s been proven that they remember human faces, and they will fuck you up.

There was that great story from a while ago about a town where some crows were hanging around so one guy decided to start feeding them. And then he noticed that whenever the neighbors would come near his house, the crows would start attacking them because they thought they were going after this guy and he was their friend. So they consulted some experts who were like, “Well maybe you should all just start feeding them.” So they did and apparently within a month this town just had a whole murder of crows as their friends and they would just be fiercely protective of them against outsiders.

Look at this badass. About to get his head cutoff and still bowing at people.

Weird that he doesn’t just lift the fucking thing off the latch and fly away on his own, though.

What I want to know is — does Buckbeak realize he just saw Harry run up the hill and is now seeing him right next to him? Or can he just not be bothered?

Yeah, that’s smart… taunt the crow.

Also, this reminds me of Kill Bill. The crow is Pai Mei.

“The Committee’s appointed executioner shall dispatch the condemned by means of beheading… ‘As witnessed below.’ You sign here, Hagrid.”

You’re making him SIGN as a witness on an execution? Motherfucker you sign.

This I don’t get. Why wouldn’t he go with them? I guess he doesn’t know he’s about to die.

There you go. Tempt the motherfucker with food.

“What? Food?” And instantly Buckbeak becomes one of the most relatable characters in the film.

Colin:

We should probably take a moment to address how bizarre it is that the Minister of Magic is attending an animal execution while a dangerous fugitive is at large.

“It’s the po-po!”

What a great image this is, context or no context.

I love how Dumbledore stalls for time here. Motherfucker knows everything.

Colin:

Dumbledore’s running interference, now GO!

The weird thing here is — does Dumbledore just do shit all the time just in case a time turner is in effect? Because he’s stalling as if he knows all of this is gonna go down and that time is a flat circle.

Aw, quel dommage.

Seems you sharpened your giant beheading tool for nothing.

Love this shot. Look at Buckbeak.

Colin:

GET yo hands off this ferret! Hermione’s a fucking BOSS! She hasn’t even done the bowing thing, and she just fucking backhanded it!

She’s been to a couple of frat parties.

Habeas Corpus, indeed.

“Come now, Dumbledore. Someone’s obviously released him.”

“I’m quite sure the Minister isn’t suggesting that you had anything to do with it, Hagrid. How could you? You’ve been with us all along.”

So are there just two timelines now or did we just overwrite the one where Buckbeak got beheaded?

“We must search the grounds.”

“Search the skies if you must.”

“Meanwhile, Imma go get shitty with my man Hagrid over here.”

I like that he turns to the executioner like, “Seems your services are no longer required.”

How’s that crow taste, motherfucker?

Colin:

It’s great how Dumbledore can be shitty about the whole thing, barely acting like he doesn’t know exactly what happened, and nobody’s gonna say shit to him cause he’s Dumbledore.

Wide shots are always great right after someone is made to look like an absolute fool.

It’s great how obvious stand-ins are when you pause at the right moment.

So did it just work out like that, him chopping the pumpkin? Because now essentially that justifies what they saw earlier, which they assumed was Buckbeak getting stabbed. Seems to tie this whole thing up into too nice a bow.

“Now what?”

“We save Sirius.”

One thing they never considered during all this – what if Buckbeak gets the Itis from eating all those ferrets and doesn’t want to go rescue Sirius?

“And we do that… how?”

“No idea.”

I kinda want to be mad, but I also like that they’re just figuring this out on the fly.

“Look, it’s Lupin.”

“Wait until Fred and George hear about this one.”

He means the secret passage. They didn’t really establish that enough for that line to land as well as it should have.

Colin:

So…a simple spell that completely disarms the Whomping Willow? That would have been handy a little while ago before Hermione got tentacle raped. Too bad she didn’t know it. But it’s the same spell she used on some Cornish pixies in Chamber of Secrets. And yet this time she got her pixie cornished by that tree. Way to go, Rowling, you tentacle raped Hermione for nothing. Well, I’m sure it helped with the Japanese box office numbers, so it wasn’t for NOTHING, but….

And also — Snape is just right behind him? Lupin went into that tree not five seconds ago. Snape didn’t show up for like four minutes after Lupin entered the Shrieking Shack.

Colin:

“And now we wait.”

“…Quickie?”

Colin:

*sigh*

Colin:

“… Okay.”

I have no regrets.

Yeah, Harry. Go whomp that willow! (Maybe that’s why Hermione howls later.)

Nice shot.

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Lot of scenes of shit flying in this one.

Colin:

Buckbeak. Yes. CHOMP.

Could’ve used him in Rock Tunnel.

Cockblocked by the bats.

“At least someone’s enjoying themselves…” (Note: She actually says this.)

How is Hermione NOT the best character of the three?

Colin:

She definitely is. Harry’s a whiny bitch who has to deal with his tortured past and [mo]Ron has the IQ of a garden gnome (remember those?) and isn’t very useful. Hermione’s got humor, brains, authority, and eventually looks. Clearly the best. I feel like we all know this, but for posterity’s sake — Hermione ends up with Ron as a consolation prize. It would be too much for her to end up with Harry, cause then the whole thing is about Harry and Ron’s the odd man out at the end. This is also why Rowling works Ginny in later, which I’ll complain about at that time.

“Before. Down by the lake. When I was with Sirius… I did see someone. That someone made the Dementors go away.”

“With a Patronus. I heard Snape telling Dumbledore when we were taken to the hospital. According to him, only a really powerful wizard could have conjured it.”

“It was my Dad.”

That’s the proper look. That’s the look when George realizes he has to send Lennie to the rabbits.

“But Harry, your dad’s…”

“Dead, I know.”

Sometimes it doesn’t seem like you do.

“Oh, well fuck ME all to hell, then.”

Harry:

I’m trying to.

“I’m just telling you what I saw.”

Colin:

So, not to go all Cousin Vinny on you here, but you’re telling us…what you saw? The kid without his glasses on who was on the verge of passing out?

Who just had a small part of his soul sucked out seconds before?

Colin:

You’re positive of that thing you saw in the dark, about 100 feet across a lake? I’m sure your convictions are strong. I’m gonna go with ‘you’re full of shit’ though.

Her last words before she stands up are, “Here we come.”

“You see Sirius talking to me? He’s asking me to come live with him.”

This is actually a nice moment. And sort of explains how he gets the patronus so strong in a minute.

“When we free him, I’ll never have to go back to the Dursley’s.”

“I’m going to tell him I’d like to live someplace in the country.”

A man could live there… and a woman.

“Some place you can see the sky…”

Wow, that previous joke was scarily more accurate than I thought it was gonna be.

“I think he’d like that, after all those years in Azkaban.”

Pretty sure he’d like anything after all those years in Azkaban.

I know it’s the moon, but doesn’t it look like we went into special lighting just so he could do his monologue?

Werewolves of London.

“Aah-ooooh!”

Somebody didn’t think about the after-effects of this decision.

And she says it, too! “Yeah, didn’t think about that.” She’s awesome.

I love how in movies when they cut to people running into the forest, they always manage to be in the forest.

They cover enough ground to where you can’t see the entrance in the span of one cut. Yeah… I’m sure they got that far in that short an amount of time.

This is some horror movie shit. White girl running frantically in the forest? Oh yeah. She’s definitely about to get stabbed.

Colin:

Good plan. Hide behind that tree. I hear werewolves don’t hear or smell too good.

I can relate :(

Colin:

If you guys are new to the series, Mike’s a Puerto Rican with no sense of smell. 

Looks like they’re sneaking off to have sex.

Uh oh.

How many house points do you think they’re gonna lose for this?

Colin:

You cower together? THAT’S your course of action? No wands out? I’d be blasting like a motherfucker. Got this gat at Ollivander’s.

I just pictured Ollivander stroking a wand. “Seven-six-two millimeter… full maple dragon string!”

OH SHIT IT’S BUCKBEAK.

Looking like he just flashed the werewolf.

He slaps the SHIT out of Lupin’s head, too. It’s pretty great.

“That’s right, son! This my house!”

Colin:

Seriously, though. We’ve already seen them shoot fire from their wands and shit like that. There are about fifty things they should be trying before they give up and hug each other. Good thing Buckbeak’s around to save your dumb ass.

I also claim hippogriffs as American cause they’re kinda like eagles and we’ve got horses too, so…that’s the second time America’s saved Harry Potter from something about to fuck him up in the forest. We don’t take credit for Firenze. Centaurs are not American.

It kinda looks like they’re making out back there. Kinda like… actually, let’s wait on that. We’ll get there. And there will be screenshots.

It’s funny that the thing that looks most CGI on that hippogriff is its chain.

Wait… is that bling?

Colin:

WOW. It’s shocking just how appalling that CGI looks as a screenshot. The rest aren’t that bad, but look at this. Looks like they drew it in MS Paint from Windows 95, printed it, then took a photo of the printout on an original Motorola RAZR and just uploaded that.

KidPix, baby.

“You bitches okay?”

“Thanks, man. I’m definitely gonna get some now.”

Oh, but wait, there’s more.

Right, though?

Colin:

The scariest thing about that was picturing Sarah Jessica Parker as a dementor and then going, “… fair enough.”

“I ain’t never gonna get the dick, am I?”

Why the fuck are you holding hands? What is this, The Defiant Ones?

Colin:

He doesn’t even say thanks. For the savior of the wizarding world, Harry’s got some shitty manners.

What if he just stood there right now and did nothing?

Also why does he look like he’s got that delayed bloodstain that happens after the bad guy gets shot and they want to maintain suspense for a few more seconds?

“Don’t worry, my dad will come.”

Oh, so he is just gonna stand there and do nothing.

Colin:

“Any minute now.” He’s so stupid! “I just happen to be standing in the same spot my “dad” was, and he’s not showing up! I wonder what the problem is? Idiot.

This is religion in a nutshell, this scene.

“Harry, listen to me – no one’s coming.”

“Don’t worry, he will!”

Or maybe it’s the Great Pumpkin. Either way, you keep this shit up, no one IS gonna come tonight, Harry.

My favorite, though, is that Harry says, “He will come!” and we immediately cut to this:

That’s the equivalent of being like, “He’s gonna be fine,” and then cutting to six dudes beating the living fuck out of him.

And just like that, Harry’s faith is shattered.

“OPTIMUS!”

Bringing me back to my original point – how the fuck do you not hear someone shout that from across the lake?

Patronum rhymes with scrotum.

Colin:

That spell would look fifteen and a half times better if it had a cool wand motion. It’s too rigid.

And where’s the stag? The first time we see this scene, the stag is chilling there before the light even starts to emanate. And then in the book, when Harry finally does it, the stag comes back and he realizes it’s his dad, the “Prongs” from the Marauder’s Map. But we don’t find that out in the film. What’s with that? This film franchise is like a big inside joke; they’re telling us mundane shit that we don’t care about and leaving out details like the fact that his dad was an author of the map and an Animagus that turned into a stag.

I like that Hermione’s holding onto the tree back there like the spell’s making her so horny she can’t even stand.

Is he jizzing so hard his nose is bleeding?

Sometimes people look really badass when performing magic.

This is not one of those times.

“Let’s go get a taco.”

“You were right, Hermione. It wasn’t my dad I saw earlier. It was me. I saw myself conjuring the Patronus before. I knew I could do it this time, because… because I’d already done it. Does that make sense?”

No. No it doesn’t.

Colin:

I hate it when shit like this happens. “I knew I could do it this time, cause…well….I’d already done it!” That’s not how the universe works! That’s CHEATING! Its existence justifies its own existence. (Like the Republican Party.)

I like how Hermione’s looking at him like, “Harry, you just stabbed a guy with a trident.”

To her credit, even she says it doesn’t make any sense. And then it’s never brought up ever again.

Hermione screams as they dip down. No one hears that? Wouldn’t you check out the window if it sounds like someone’s getting murdered outside? She sounds like Toad getting hit with a red shell.

Colin:

This was exactly my thinking on the matter as well. And later on, too. Sirius yells at the top of his lungs. That surely won’t alert the several hundred dementors that are still in the immediate vicinity. Then again, even if we get attacked by dementors again, there’s no longer any tension because Harry can always repel them with the Patronus charm that he can now do because he saw himself doing it, and that makes sense. WHAT THE FUCK, ROWLING, PUT IN AN HONEST DAY’S WORK FOR ONCE AND CLEAN THIS THE FUCK UP.

Love the visuals here, though.

They just have those.

Colin:

This is sorta like Snape following Lupin earlier. It doesn’t really make sense with the timeline, at least the way they showed it. It appears that Harry sent the dementors away, he and Hermione run back to Buckbeak, who’s literally just down the hill, they get on and fly him back to the castle, and Oldman’s already been magically whisked away to Delaware the high tower where he’s being held. Wouldn’t there be at least a reasonable gap there where he was found, picked up, brought back and thrown in the cell? Wouldn’t Harry and Hermione get there WAY before Sirius? Did they ACTUALLY go get a taco on the way?

“All right, now, Gary – we’re gonna track in real fast, and you’re gonna stay perfectly still. Then you’re gonna turn your head real fast and give your best Charles Manson impression. Ready, go.”

“Bombarda!”

Colin:

Okay! I see we’ve done away with Alohomora! She just blasted the fuck out of that door. Hermione’s a champ. But why didn’t they try a spell like that on Lupin? We were worried we might hurt him too much, so we decided to just let him kill us!

I’m pretty sure that’s the, “Let’s fuck some shit up!” spell. RAMPAGE!

“You truly are your father’s son, Harry!”

Why? How many prison breaks were there?

I fucking hate that everyone has to make that “woo hoo” sound. Why would you do that to Gary?

Colin:

Why would you do that to HERMIONE? He looks like he’s doing unspeakable things to her butthole right now.

I think we found the fourth unforgivable spell.

I love that they break him out of prison and he’s just sort of hanging out in the quad area of the campus. They rescue him within thirty minutes of his capture. You’d think someone would notice. Wouldn’t you put a dementor outside his cell or something? Isn’t that what they do at Azkaban? How the fuck does no one see this happening? No one else knows he’s innocent yet. How does nobody see this? Is there no one in the center of campus to witness this? Why wouldn’t you take him somewhere else to say goodbye? WHAT THE FUCK?

Colin:

Okay, thank you. Being the crazy nit-picker is usually my thing. I really appreciate this, cause it all makes perfect sense. They have NO business being here whatsoever. There should have been a dementor there to see them break him out. The man has already broken out of the world’s most secure prison, and you decide to leave him in a little wussy cell like that with NO GUARD? I bet Andy Dufresne could have busted out of there in time, and he wasn’t even magic.

If there’s no shit pipe then it’s not even worth it.

“I’ll be forever grateful for this. To both of you.”

But not Ron. Fuck Ron.

Harry says he wants to go with him.

“One day perhaps. For some time, life will be too… unpredictable.”

As if it wasn’t before this. Where have you been living, exactly, since you broke out?

“Besides – you’re meant to be here.”

Because of that whole, ‘your destiny is to die’ thing?

“But, you’re innocent.”

“And you know it. For now, that’ll do.”

For how long, exactly? Because people are trying to kill you.

“I expect you’re tired of hearing this, but you look so like your father. Except your eyes. You have –”

“My mother’s eyes.”

Colin:

The number of times Harry’s been told he has his mother’s eyes makes me think that Lily Potter used to sit around as people came to stare into her eyes for no reason. “This doesn’t make sense now, but one day, it’ll come in handy when you recognize them somewhere else!” I don’t know what my friends’ eyes look like. Mike could have purple eyes and I wouldn’t know. I don’t know what color eyes Puerto Ricans have.

I’d say “I Don’t Know What Color Eyes Puerto Ricans Have” should be the subtitle, but that may be way too inside.

“It’s cruel that I got to spend so much time with James and Lily and you so little.”

What?

“But know this – the ones that love us never really leave us. And you can always find them –”

In the dumpster out back of IHOP?

“ – in here.”

Oh.

Colin:

The whole, “dead people live on within us, in our hearts” thing is such a cliché. I think even if I watched a loved one get murdered in front of me, and someone tried to comfort me with that line, I’d be like, “Yeah, I’ve seen a fucking movie before, asshole.”

It’s the clutching his chest afterwards that makes it extra corny.

All this shit just went down and absolutely no one is around.

Who exactly put him in the Dark Tower if there aren’t any authorities around?

Nah, who needs a saddle? We’ll just chain him up!

Do you think Sirius bowed? Or does Gary Oldman bow for no one?

Apparently all animals you ride on do this before they ride off. Or maybe he’s just being choked by a fucking CHAIN!

Colin:

Choking the hippogriff. That’s exactly what it sounds like. (Masturbating.)

And there he goes. Gary Oldman riding into the moonlight on a hippogriff.

How like life.

Is Lupin dead? Or is he just rubbing his dick on tree bark somewhere in the forest?

I do love how no one wonders, “You think Lupin is dead?”

Hermione does notice the time, though.

Gotta get back to the hospital for those ‘consequences’ or whatever.

Which pretty much just feels like they’re only for Ron at this point.

This is like Legends of the Hidden Temple after they get the artifact and have to get back out before time expires.

Colin:

They run up stairs FAST!

“Well?”

No surprise. Just ‘…and?’

“He’s free. We did it.”

“Did what?”

“Goodnight.”

Colin:

Best delivery of the franchise.

Best moment IN the franchise.

Colin:

Oh, you know…as for delivery, it still might tie with Malfoy in Chamber of Secrets. “I didn’t know you could read.”

“How’d you two get over there?”

“What’s he talking about, Harry?”

“I don’t know. Honestly, Ron, how can somebody be in two places at once?”

Colin:

They’re doing that laugh like, “We just fucked in the broom closet and he doesn’t know.”

I just realized that’s my usual laugh.

But actually. You don’t say some shit like that and then laugh. Obviously they’re in on some shit. Plus — didn’t they just explain what was going on with him in the room like seconds ago?

Ron’s injured, he’s not concussed.

Colin:

The Whomping Willow just fucks up birds on a regular basis, huh? How long does that immobilizing charm last?

Long enough to party.

I like how it sighs afterward, like, “…ahh, good to be home again.”

I love this Defense Against the Dark Arts office/classroom.

I like this moment at the beginning where, before he turns around, Lupin’s like, “Hello, Harry.” And Harry’s like ‘what the fuck?’ and then he goes ‘I saw you walking’. Like, no, there’s no magic here, I just fucking saw you.

Harry assumes they fired him. But Lupin says he resigned.

Why? It seems he only really had two incidents. And the potions he takes presumably seem to help. Plus all he really needs to do is stay inside three nights a month. Oh, or is it the whole “my best friend is a fugitive and I helped him” thing?

Colin:

What was that paper he just tore up and threw in the fire? I mean, I get it, the Allies will overrun this position any day. But what was that paper?

Reminds me of this tweet someone wrote (I’m paraphrasing): “If you walk into any business executive’s office and say, ‘Shred everything,’ they’ll just start doing it, no questions asked.” One of my favorite jokes I’ve ever heard.

He’s resigned because someone let slip the nature of his condition.

“Snape.”

“Whoever. It was bound to get out. This time tomorrow, the owls will start arriving. Parents will not want a — someone like me — teaching their children.”

The notion of parental outrage is one of the most realistic things in the franchise. But I still can’t get over the fact that him being a werewolf is somehow worse than him aiding and abetting a known fugitive.

So is the idea that Snape, realizing they were all on the same side, couldn’t do anything about him so instead he let the werewolf thing slip just so he wouldn’t have to see him around school anymore?

“But Dumbledore-”

“Has already risked enough on my behalf.”

What do you mean ‘risked’? At one point does it ever seem like Dumbledore is really in danger of losing his job? Even when they come to take it he’s not in any danger.

“Besides, people like me are – let’s just say that I’m used to it by now.”

See why I thought he was gay?

Colin:

Ah yes. The neat little suitcase set. He either flies around the country firing people for a living, or his ailment has made him a social pariah. One or the other.

“Why do you look so miserable, Harry?”

“None of it made any difference. Pettigrew escaped.”

But actually, though.

Lupin practically slaps the shit out of him. “Motherfucker, it made a lot of difference! Your godfather was gonna be fucking dead!”

But only because he escaped. How did he escape, exactly?

He also gives him the Marauder’s Map back. Since he’s not his teacher anymore.

“So now I’ll say goodbye, Harry. I feel sure we’ll meet again some time. Until then –”

“Mischief managed.”

Colin:

Thanks for explaining the map to us, dickbrain.

Is he just leaving all his shit there? Gonna make the house elves get it or something?

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Colin:

YEAH! The ghosts on horses again! Their whole M.O. is just to ride around holding severed heads and laughing about shit. Possibly my favorite characters in the franchise.

Oh wow, real food.

Though, it’s oranges. I’ve watched the Godfather enough to just assume when oranges happen, someone’s about to die.

Harry’s got a present.

Colin:

Oh look, the black, Black kid is back.

And it looks like he’s got a girlfriend now! Good for him!

It’s a Firebolt.

How could Sirius afford that? And why does Harry not have to pay for a single goddamn thing in his entire life?

But also, did Sirius just steal that broom? Or is everyone in this universe just independently wealthy except the Weasleys?

She want it.

Also it looks like Ron has horns.

Is that a sex games thing?

Hey, remember that movie 40 Days and 40 Nights where Josh Hartnett brings a chick to orgasm with a feather? Because I do. And I’m not above making a reference to it. Because I know you all remember it too.

I love that pendulum. Though I’m surprised we never see anyone get absolutely wrecked by it while walking through at the wrong moment.

What? So he just gets a new broom and all of a sudden the entire school is gonna go watch him ride it?

Is there a fucking bow on it?

“Hermione… touch it. It needs it.”

I never understood everyone gathering around for shit like that. It always takes me out of movies. Like when everyone starts cheering and applauding out of nowhere. Once that happens to me in life, then I’ll let it slide.

Colin:

Especially since it seems like for the rest of the year, every year, the whole school leaves him the fuck alone unless they hate him for some reason. As long as he’s neutral with everyone, he just chills with Ron and Hermione and nobody pays attention to him. But once he gets a Firebolt, everyone’s gotta watch. Don’t even bother, you guys. Next year, Malfoy’s gonna have a Firebolt 2. Nah, I’m kidding. As it stands, the Firebolt is STILL the fastest broomstick in the Harry Potter universe, cause for the few years we cared about brooms a better one came out every year, and after that a new broom never came out again. That’s how things work, right? 

Until the new iBroom comes out.

Maybe not have your final shot look the same as when you have your soul sucked out by a dementor.

“Lumos. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”

Love these credits.

Badass. One more curious thing during the credits I’d like to direct your attention to…

I’m assuming you all know how the Marauder’s Map works by now. Right here, down in the corner…

Is that two people fucking? I’m pretty sure that’s two people fucking.

Mischief managed, indeed.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow, we’ll go over our favorite images from the film, and Sunday, we’ll write up our final thoughts about it. And then Monday, we start Goblet of Fire.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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