Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Part I — “Ugh, Poor People. Trying to Have Pride”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the first part of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - Title Card

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If there’s one thing I love, it’s personalized studio logos. So I love that Warner Bros. started doing that for all of the subsequent films in this franchise after the first one.

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Though this opening does feel a lot like the opening to a Matrix sequel. It can’t just be me that sees (and hears) it.

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We open on a wall of skulls, and the score turns from The Matrix to “Castle on a Cloud.”

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Snakes like to live in skulls in this universe, don’t they?

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Also, where does one find these big ass snakes? This is our second big snake that just seems to exist.

(Note: Apparently Albania.)

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Riddle me this.

Weird how no one thought to look for Voldemort at his childhood home.

Or, you know… repossess it or raze it and turn it into a youth rec center or something that the local kids will have to save one day through the art of breakdancing.

Electric Floogaloo.

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You’d think all of this would’ve tipped you off that something wasn’t right.

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Skyfall?

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This is actually the Riddle Estate. And the dude we’re about to meet has been the gardener there for like, sixty years. Just like Albert Finney in Skyfall.

Did anyone tell him everyone here is dead? Is that how things work in England? Land stays in the family even if everyone’s long gone?

I was gonna ask if the Riddles still have a seat in Parliament, but apparently in Magical Parliament all the rich and evil Republicans do.

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Colin:

Who’s this old man? I hope he fucking dies.

That’s Frank Bryce. Don’t worry about him. He’ll be dead soon.

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So this guy was working here when the Riddle family was murdered. And people suspected him because there was no sign of Tom entering the house. So this dude had to live for like forty years with everyone in his town assuming he murdered a family. But they released him on lack of evidence and people kept hiring him to be the gardener here.

And now he’s gonna be murdered.

But hey, forty relatively good years, I guess. Plus he got to live on an estate by himself, with most people too afraid to come by. That sounds pretty sweet, honestly.

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This is how Watergate happened.

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He looks like Harry Dean Stanton. Or Christopher Walken with a droopier face.

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Now he looks like Pacino.

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They cobwebbed this place up nice and good.

Also, how England is that? Hire a gardener for forty years so the property looks immaculate but let everything inside go to rot.

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My question is – why bother? He says, “Bloody kids,” before he goes out there. Wouldn’t you just say, “Fuck it,” and leave the kids to their own devices? You’re old. Clearly no one’s been in that house in years – let the kids do what they’re gonna do. It’s probably just drugs and sex anyway. Enjoy your fucking tea.

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Also, as we’re gonna find out, Voldemort knows this guy is here. So how come no one thought to either kill him first (though that brings unwanted attention), or, you know, do the spell that makes the house hidden from muggles?

I guess we can explain this by saying they just showed up here tonight, having freshly exhumed the baby corpse. So I can live with it.

Also, Freshly Exhumed Baby Corpse. That’s a punk band.

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“What the fuck is this shit?”

Colin:

What’s with the raspy voice, Voldie? Is the Dark Lord being played by Rod Stewart in this one? I think IMDB is wrong.

If Voldemort were played by Rod Stewart, that would definitely alter the interpretation of the opening line of the franchise, “Are the rumors true, Albus?” (Look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about.)

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What I want to know is what kind of baby forearm is that? That’s like a dick bone with fingers.

Also, subtitle: What Kind of Baby Forearm Is That?

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Is that Voldemort’s rock and roll nephew? The guy they brought on to help the show translate to the youth market?

Aaayyy-vada Kedavra, am I right?

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What up, Nagini?

Remember when J.K. Rowling just randomly decided to make Nagini retroactively an Asian woman in the prequels and literally made an Asian woman a pet for a white man?

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He speaking that hassa hassa shit.

Which is funny, because anyone who can’t speak parseltongue just hears hassa hassa, but right now what Voldemort hears is, “Hey, there’s this old motherfucker on the stairs, you might wanna check that out.”

Bad time to be the old motherfucker on the stairs.

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Do UPS drivers speak parcel tongue?

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What? I thought it was pretty funny.

“Nagini tells me the old muggle caretaker is standing just outside the door.”

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Uh oh. Bryce yourself.

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Right, though?

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“Step aside, Wormtail, so I can give our guest a proper greeting.”

Like a la bise, or…?

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“Avada Kedavra!”

This is how Watergate happened.

I also love the universal signal for ‘oh shit, it’s the cops, I didn’t do it’.

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Bryce Was Here.

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Oh, shit! Get it! (No. I don’t really get it either.)

I guess the thought wast, “Imma go beat the shit out of these kids right quick and then come back before the tea’s even boiled.”

Really the question I have here – why the fuck is Voldemort calling Pettigrew Wormtail? Isn’t that a name that James and Sirius and Lupin came up with? Isn’t that a term of affection? Voldemort doesn’t give a fuck about him. Why would he call him that? Everyone else has a regular name. Why does he get the nickname? Did Voldemort do it out of a sick sense of humor, like, “I just turned you evil and that’s what those assholes called you. It’ll be pretty funny if I call you that too and you’re gonna get them killed.” If that’s the case, then it’s cool. I wanna know more about this.

Colin:

First, why’d he leave his tea on? Looks like it was a bit of a walk just to get up there, then there’s a few minutes to berate the kids, then the trip back…must have been dementia. Water takes about 17 seconds to boil. This guy clearly doesn’t know when to turn the stove on and off. This is one of those things you do when you leave the house for any amount of time. Didn’t he watch Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood?

As for the Wormtail thing — I don’t know what’s up with that. ‘Peter’ doesn’t sound evil enough, but ‘Pettigrew’ seems fine. Why would he opt for ‘Wormtail’ unless it was supposed to remind you of who he was? Maybe Voldemort could have his own nickname for Pettigrew. Like Gandalf, he had like seventy different nicknames depending on who was talking to him.

New goal in life — have seventy nicknames depending on who is talking to me.

Already pretty sure I have seventy different nationalities depending on who is talking to me.

Also… what’s with the baby arm being able to murder a guy? AND WHY ARE THEY NOT EXPLAINING THE WEIRD FETUS BODY AT ALL?

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“No, no, Uncle Vernon, don’t touch me there!”

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“Harry, wake up! You’re having another History Boys dream again!”

I love how they have to show you the scar so you can be sure it’s him.

What if you had one of those on your ballsack? Just a lightning bolt. That would be cooler than the forehead. Actually the lightning bolt scar on the forehead isn’t that cool at all. But a ballsack with a bolt on it? That’s Greased Lightning.

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That’s what it looks like when you get caught battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger.

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Colin:

There are worse things to wake up to.

He means Ginny.

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Love the lighting.

I appreciate this universe’s dedication to candles.

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Colin:

Why is Ron covering his titties?

What the fuck are you bashful about? You’re wearing a full fucking shirt underneath that stupid blanket.

Hermione yells at him to get dressed and not to fall back asleep. That’s real couples shit.

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“Jesus, leave us alone! It’s Sunday.”

I also love that she gets on Ron’s case even though he did nothing and to Harry she’s just like, “Oh, yeah, you had a bad dream.”

Colin:

Ron catches shit for no reason half the time, which is great. And somehow, I never feel like he didn’t deserve it.

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“Come on, Ron! Your mother says breakfast’s ready.”

What is breakfast doing ready at 4 o’clock in the morning?

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He’s got that face of ‘if I have to get out of this bed I’m gonna hit something’.

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Wrong franchise?

But seriously, it’s actually really funny watching these wide shots, because it’s painfully obvious everyone in them is computer generated.

Colin:

Can we talk about how their tool shed thing is the shape of a WWII hangar? What’s with that? Are we expecting Messerschmitts? Does Voldemort command the Luftwaffe?

Luftwaffe Malfoy.

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Move this camera 90 degrees and this is basically a shot from Saving Private Ryan.

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They go to meet a creepy dude in the forest. It’s before 6 am. I assume drugs are involved.

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Why does their hair look like they came from the 60s? Or The Da Vinci Code?

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This is Amos Diggory. He looks like a tool.

Colin:

He’s definitely a Hufflepuff.

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Tally ho!

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Wrong franchise?

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Colin:

Hermione and Ginny both seem to be up to something but they won’t tell you what cause it’s a secretion.

It’s subtle but this is character development from Ginny. Two years ago, Harry showed up and she freaked out and ran away and now she’s like, “Damn, he’s fine as hell.”

Puberty happened, I guess is what I’m saying.

This franchise doesn’t get nearly into the giant mess of hormones those middle teen years truly are, and I really think they should have.

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“Merlin’s beard! You must be Harry Potter!”

Really? How the fuck did you guess? It’s weird to me that people don’t recognize Harry by this point. It takes four years for the novelty to wear off when people see him?

Colin:

My thought during this scene was how weird it was that people say ‘Merlin’s beard’ all the time. I guess it’s cause we don’t really have a saying like that. Odin’s hammer! Shit like that.

We need one for Crom. Just to be like, “Well Crom’s cloaca, that is a good ass cheese plate!”

Colin:

But I do remember one of my favorite moments in the books was in ‘Deathly Hallows’ when Mrs. Weasley tells Ron to clean his room and his response is, “Merlin’s saggy left –” before he gets cut off. Which is basically the wizarding equivalent of ‘deez nuts.’

I wanna open my own chicken place and call it Deez Nuggs.

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We’re never actually told where they’re going until they get there. You’d think they’d be more excited about getting up to go to this place. Since they’re all pretty fucking thrilled when they get there.

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Great lighting here.

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I could do without the lightning fast dolly track, though. Though I guess I like the idea of the shot — let’s track in super fast to make it seem like we’re building to something big, and then it’s just an old boot.

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Das boot.

So they’ve left the house at 5 in the morning, they’ve met a weird dude and his son in the middle of the forest, and they’ve hiked for miles to get to an old shoe.

Are we sure this isn’t Middle Earth?

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That’s not any shoe, though. It’s a portkey.

Which is what you use to open the wine cabinet.

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What if they came all this way just to pray to the shoe?

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They never explain to Harry about it at all, though. Not once. They just yell at him at the last second and he grabs on.

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You guys know what I’m talking about.

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Well this is just weird and unexplained.

Still have no idea where we’re actually going.

Is this a new way to get to Diagonelly?

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Anybody remember the opening sequence to the Power Rangers movie? They’re all skydiving and it’s set to the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ cover of “Higher Ground”? No? Just me?

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It’s funny that this guy is going to be in both Twilight and the Lighthouse.

Which — Twilighthouse. There’s an idea.

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How do they know when to let go?

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This is even better. They tell them to let go and Hermione goes, “What?” And then they let go and Hermione screams like she’s about to get stabbed.

What’s fascinating to me about that – Harry knows nothing about portkeys. But Hermione does. Because she presumably read up on them and knows everything. Yet she doesn’t know how they work? Why is the idea of letting go so surprising to her? Shouldn’t she know what’s coming? Or maybe more appropriately, shouldn’t someone have told them what to expect before they rushed on and used the fucking thing?

Also, what if some homeless guy came along and was like, “Free shoe”? How funny would that be if a guy stole the shoe and was just walking around and then suddenly ‘poof’, got teleported to somewhere else?

Or also – how can they have time limits on them? How much setting up goes into all this? Seemingly you make the portkey and you use it to transport you somewhere. The one at the end of the movie makes sense to me. This one, though – you mean to tell me he made this one a week ago and it was set for this time on this day? That’s like leaving your watch on a streetlight base and going, “I’ll come back for it on Thursday, right before it hits 3:30.” Unless it’s something that only works at certain times, kind of like the Hogwarts Express schedule, but if that’s the case, why the fuck do you have them? Are there rules to this, or is it just poorly defined, like most shit we’ve encountered so far?

Colin:

How about the fact that they have to hike up a mountain to get there? Why not just have it wherever they were going to meet up? Who set this up? Are we to believe that Mr. Weasley went up the mountain in advance to leave it there? What the hell was it doing there? And don’t say they needed open space, cause the one that we see later clearly doesn’t.

I hope the Diggorys are homeless.

Would certainly explain why Pattinson was just in a fucking tree when we first meet him.

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I have to assume this is one of many portkeys that are there for people to get to in order to attend this match. It’s like the magical soccer hooligan bus.

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This is also how you enter an Avatar.

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Or Oz.

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Yeah, pretty sure that’s instant death.

You know, like that kid during the Quidditch match in the lightning storm from the last movie.

Colin:

Why would you land on the ground that hard? I thought this was a way of moving people who weren’t able to fly or not in a condition to apparate. Like, the old, or the infirm? Any old person that tries to use this will break both hips and they won’t have Madam Pomfrey around to help. I guess they could always stick out their wand arm so the fucking Knight Bus would show up. Fuck that thing too.

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At the very least that’s a broken tailbone and wrist.

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You’re welcome for finding that facial expression.

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This facial expression too.

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How are they all still alive?

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I can’t get over how stupid his hair looks.

Colin:

This is like three months after the last film ended, right? I watched these nearly back to back and immediately noticed how much longer their hair was. What do they do at Hogwarts? Is there a haircut spell? I like to think house elves do it. Imagine Dobby cutting Lucius Malfoy’s hair. Yeah. Imagine that shit.

I like to think of Dobby shaving Lucius Malfoy. Like the scene in The Color Purple where she wants to cut his throat but can’t bring herself to actually do it.

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I understand Voldemort’s decision.

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What a stupid shot. Can you imagine what that must have looked like on set?

Colin:

Is Mr. Weasley wearing Tevas over socks?

I think they’re birkenstocks. They are going to Woodstock.

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“Yeah – I don’t want to.”

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Isn’t it funny how Cedric is basically captain of the football team, most popular kid at school and yet we’ve literally never heard of his existence before?

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Lots of walking up hills in this one.

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Ah yes, Wizard Coachella.

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Burning Man?

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The Gathering of the Juggalos?

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No – it’s the Quidditch World Cup.

This is what wizard tailgaiting looks like.

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They got Stalag 17 all set up.

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This camera placement will be important in a second.

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Colin:

So Harry, here’s the thing. It’s the fourth year you’ve been a wizard, you should probably start going with the flow. He sees the tent, like, “That little piece of shit? I’m not going in there! There’s no possible way we could all fit in there!” Just…assume ‘magic’ and follow them. You don’t have to look amazed for us to enjoy it.

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This is one of my favorite magical things in this entire franchise. I would totally live in one of those in a second. I loved when they described this in the book.

Also, how could they afford this tent? I know it’s magic, but presumably you couldn’t afford better transportation than a multi-hour hike in the woods and a portal shoe that drops you on your head from hundreds of feet in the air.

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“I love magic.”

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It m-m-m-makes me happy.”

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This seems like a really unsafe to do, to have everyone in the wizarding world in one place at the same time.

Though I guess they’re all basically in the same place at the same time most of the time anyway. But here there’s drinking.

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What’s the over/under on babies conceived at this event?

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Pretty sure they stole this shot from Space Jam.

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But actually… they must be required by law to keep some seconds in command in a bunker somewhere during this just in case shit doesn’t go down. Because this isn’t safe.

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I can’t BELIEVE it!

Hell yeah, though. I love that African dignitaries are here. I want a movie about these guys.

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Aww shit – Malfoys up in the stadeezy.

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I like how Lucius has learned to be shitty but civil and Draco’s just like “look at these poor assholes”.

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Draco’s says, “We’re in the minister’s box. By personal invitation of Cornelius Fudge.”

It would be weird if were anyone else. “We’re in the minister’s box. By personal invitation of Engelbert Humperdinck.”

Also, we haven’t seen a lot of metal in this franchise, have we? This almost looks like the Titanic. Or the Guns of Navarone. (Which: Wizard Guns of Navarone.)

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Lucius is like, “Draco, stop being a dick.”

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“There’s no need with these people.” AKA, “I’m ranking asshole here.”

Colin:

For a second you think, “Wow, is he being nice?” until he explains that even boasting to the Weasleys is below the Malfoy name. I love how evil they are. 

Draco looks really sickly here.

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I mean… don’t you know you’re gonna get insulted by this guy every time?

Ginny’s the only one who ever has the right reaction to him. It’s always, “I will fucking stab you.”

Because she would. She showed me the knife.

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Seriously – they’re setting up these two. It’s beyond overt at this point.

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“Do enjoy yourself, won’t you?”

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“Don’t you touch me with your pimp cane.”

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“While you can.”

Apparently nobody takes foreboding messages seriously.

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A sports stadium should not look like a favela.

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Who has to clean this place afterward?

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Jim Carrey as the Riddler?

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Is there a wizard equivalent of Pay Per View?

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Looks like they’ve spared every expense.

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This looks like the Guardians of the Galaxy prison.

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Yes, thank you, Ron. We’re aware.

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It’s the Irish.

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Who don’t know the meaning of stereotype, apparently.

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“Ha ha ha…. they’re drunk.”

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Flying V!

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Half of that team is like, 40.

Pretty sure that captain guy in front looks like at least 50% of soon-to-be firemen and cops in Brooklyn.

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Oh, but here come the Bulgarians.

Colin:

So there are indeed wizards in Bulgaria. You’d think they might use magic to make their country suck less.

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There comes a point where a sense of wonder belies the probable fact that they’ve been there before. You mean to tell me with the amount of wizards that are at this place that the Weasleys have never been to this event before? I get Harry and Hermione being amazed. This is a huge event they’re going to for the first time. But why are the Weasleys acting like they’ve never seen this shit before?

Also, don’t they look like they’re on the deck of U-571? What the fuck is that?

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There’s really not a whole lot you can do here, is there?

Oh man, is there synchronized brooming in this universe?

ARE THERE OLYMPICS IN THIS UNIVERSE?

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You’re telling me there’s not one spell to make your eyes better?

Oculus Enhanco?

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Colin:

You know who does this card-flipping thing? The North Koreans. This looks like the card-flipping tricks they do at their mass games. Nobody else has the discipline or the group cohesion to do this. And if you do, I don’t fucking trust you.

I like how you make it seem as though it’s their choice to do it.

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And that’s their seeker – Ivan Drago.

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I mean Viktor Krum.

Clearly like 26 and still at magical school.

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He will break Hermione.

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He looks like he’s about to do the sprinkler. (P.S. Everybody – watch that video. It’s one of the greatest music videos ever made.)

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Colin:

Why is this just a huge compound of cages?

It’s like the Titanic of stadiums. All first and second class fans to their portkeys. All fourth and fifth class fans — you’re fucked.

What do they do with this stadium the rest of the time?

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Harry Potter TV series idea: Wizard tracheotomies.

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He looks like he’s about to commit seppuku.

Colin:

Nope. His head is held high and I can’t smell his shame. 

White people commit suicide differently.

Also, “I Can’t Smell His Shame.” This is (sadly) both a potential autobiography title and also something I can read the way I say, “I can’t feel my legs!”

And then the game starts… and we see none of it. Fuck the screenshots, because the movie apparently doesn’t give a shit about the game.

Colin:

Yeah, where was the Wronski Feint? You devote all kinds of time to Quidditch in the first three movies, but by the fourth when we actually WANT to see some action, you skip it. Thanks. Plus, you spend like ten minutes getting us set up for the match, and then don’t show it — which immediately tells us that we’re here for something else. I’m not a filmmaker, but I feel like I’m not wrong in saying that it’d be better to get us into something like the match and then suddenly cut it short to add to the shock value.

My girlfriend would disagree :(

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Back at the tent, they go on about how great Krum is.

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“I think you’re in love, Ron.”

That is proper sibling shit-talk, right there.

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And they start singing and making fun of Ron.

Too bad. I was kind of hoping it would turn into this scene.

I’m also kind of upset they didn’t include all the other stuff that made me enjoy this part of the book, like Fred and George betting Ludo Bagman that the Irish would win but Krum would get the Snitch and be right about it. They don’t even talk about the match.

Also, what happened to Ludo Bagman? Wasn’t he also a major organizer of this whole thing in the books? Why couldn’t they put him in the movie? Did they WANT to deprive me the opportunity to call him Luda Bagman? So many joke opportunities… gone.

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But uh oh, something’s happened.

(And seriously, what’s with the Radcliffe faces in this one?)

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Sure, just go out into the chaos. That’s safer.

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Again, notice who Hermione grabs.

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You’re in the asshole of the world, captain!

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“George! Ginny is your responsibility!”

Wait, what? You’re the FATHER. She’s your youngest. Why are you pawning her off on one of the twins? What the fuck do you have to look after?

Also, where is Mrs. Weasley during all of this? She’s just randomly not in this film at all. No one’s ever explained it. She’s just not there. Not even just to be there.

Colin:

She could use the money, too.

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All right, seriously now, with the fucking hair.

Also, look at Arthur back there. “I’m a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost…”

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OPTIMUS!!!!!

Colin:

Miiii-ike!

But seriously, though – always the two of them. Never Ron.

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Gangs of New Hogsmeade?

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This is a really nice shot, though.

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Oh shit… the Klan is here!

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Thriller? Eyes Wide Shut? Bit of both?

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Expressions.

Though I do like that she’s way off-center in this shot.

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I love the chaos of this scene and I wish this whole sequence got as much play as it did in the book. Though admittedly the book is fucking gigantic.

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I feel like this should be playing over these shots.

Colin:

And Sean Bean does the slo-mo left-to-right look. 

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I’m a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost.

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One thing I like about doing these is that it allows me to capture these nice screenshots that people wouldn’t necessarily remember, just because I’m stopping on a particular frame.

Colin:

This is cool. It also allows me to comment. Would the wizarding world really have clotheslines? Or are we just in need of clutter for this scene? Cause you have to remember that however minute the detail looks to us as scenery flashes by, they thought about this and put in in the shot.

I think they’re going by what these types of places actually look like. And there definitely are some people hanging up clothes at a place like this. It’s like when the rednecks turn the back of their flatbeds into pools by lining them with garbage bags and filling them up with water. White people do some fucked up shit if you give them the chance.

Though, here, with porkeys and apparating, I’m not sure why anyone would need to be camped out here for any significant length of time. But hey, ambiance. So sure.

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It’s Black Friday. All this for a $70 TV.

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He can’t feel his legs.

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Harry got trampled.

One time, on Black Friday, I saw a guy get out of his car, sprint across the parking lot too fast and FACE PLANT on the pavement, then get right up and keep sprinting again. It was great. He got out of his car, like five spots closer to the store than we were, then started walking briskly, then started running, then BAM, face plant, then he gets up, jogs it off, and then goes running around the corner. And he got in the store like, three seconds before we did, and we got out before he did.

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This looks like the place where Frodo got attacked by the marsh corpse.

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I hope nobody rented those tents. Good luck getting the deposit back now.

Also, do we ever find out a body count from this? Or did they just do it to scare people?

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Kinda funny how this is a giant terrorist attack and the head of the magical government is gonna spend the rest of the next two movies denying there’s anything of significance behind it and just accepting that these attacks will just happen from time to time.

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There’s always that one asshole who wants to keep going hard even after the party’s dead.

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Honestly that is a badass looking tattoo.

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He seems fun.

He’s that one asshole in the group that has to go that one little extra mile. Like, you did everything you set out to do, but he’s gotta be the one that randomly destroys somebody’s mailbox on the way out. And it’s like, “Jesus, Barty, calm down.”

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Still can’t feel his legs.

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Yeah, I’m sure he survived that. Entire place burnt to the ground, not a person or a body in sight, and he’s untouched.

I know Voldemort wants him alive, but come on. You can take him right now and we fast forward to act three.

Maybe it takes a while to brew the jizz cauldron they drop the baby fetus in.

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That fucking hair…

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Colin:

This seriously looks like it could be the aftermath of the Sand Creek Massacre. Mike knows what that is, but for the rest of you, read a goddamn book.

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Yes, run behind a charred tent. I’m sure he won’t see or find you immediately.

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So he just runs away when people come? None of this makes any sense, and if you’ve noticed, I haven’t really been making any jokes about what’s actually going on, because WE HAVEN’T BEEN TOLD WHAT’S GOING ON.

Colin:

Yeah, sometimes Death Eaters are badasses and jump into the action to mess people up. Other times, like now, they’re like cats that scamper off when they hear footsteps. 

Guess he’s gotta go back home and brew up that Polyjuice Potion.

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Seriously, what do we know right now?

1) That creepy dude (don’t know his name yet) is working for Voldemort.
2) Voldemort has a plan involving Harry being alive.
3) Voldemort exists as some kind of skeletal Crypt Keeper thing.
4) Voldemort kills an old man.
5) Harry, Hermione and the Weasleys go to the Quidditch World Cup. They use a portkey. We don’t really know what they are or how they work outside of what we see.
6) A bunch of people in masks (don’t know what they’re called yet either) ransack the place and put a weird skull snake symbol in the sky.

Colin:

7) Hufflepuffs are dumb.

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Twelve minutes into this movie and not once have they stopped to explain what the fuck is going on. Which is funny since, what, 750 pages, the book?

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I can relate, man.

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Oh shit, they surrounded.

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Imagine what wizarding wars were like in the Revolutionary War days.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr. Wizards duel.

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Abraham Lincoln: Horcrux Hunter

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Who are these people, Stormtroopers?

Also, based on the color of those streams, I can only assume they are shooting Expelliarmus spells.

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Wow, this could be straight out of Transformers.

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“Motherfucker, that’s my son!”

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Look at that guy in the back.

Fabulous pose.

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It’s Bartemius Crouch. Sr. Rocking the Hitler stash.

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That is the proper reaction to the Hitler stash, Hermione.

Crouch says they’ve been found at the scene of the crime.

Also, what is his wand? A Phillips head?

Colin:

This was strangely one of the things that originally turned me off to these movies. When I saw that the wands have weird handles, I didn’t like it. I know it sounds trivial, but it was just something that I had always imagined very vividly, and then we get these weird wand things with thick grips that look like they could be made of ivory or something. Not into it.

The cigarette holders of magic.

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Harry’s like, “Motherfucker, what crime?”

Also, Hermione, maybe back up a few steps.

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Colin:

That’s the sort of conduct we want from a police officer. Show up and yell, “IT WAS YOU! YOU FUCKING DID IT! AHHHHH!”

Aren’t there some trials he should be at or something?

Also, it has to be said — imagine what these people would’ve done if it were Lee Jordan instead of Harry.

You think that just because they’re wizards they’re not racist. Cops are cops. I guarantee you there’s a Rodney Kingsley Shacklebolt situation somewhere in the wizard history books. Magic or no magic, if there are white people, there’s racist shit being done to someone else.

S.P.E.W. Forever.

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Hermione explains, it’s the Dark Mark.

Sure, they got that but they don’t got duck l‘orange.

You mean to tell me she knows that but not how a fucking portkey works?

Colin:

It’s usually advisable to consult with your doctor about dark marks.

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Harry’s like, “What’s Voldemort’s mark doing in the sky?” Hermione’s like, “Why would you wear that moustache? Seriously.”

Her reactions are the best.

Harry says the people in the masks – those are his followers, aren’t they?

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“Death Eaters.”

I wonder how they got that name…

“Hey, Yaxley, I just made us this badass tattoo. Check it out.”

“Oh, Lord Voldemort’s gonna love that. And we’ll all get one, to show our loyalty.”

“We’ll need to think of a name to call ourselves.”

“It’ll have to be something people fear above all else. What’s the most terrifying thing you can think of?”

“Death?”

“Pfft… Death. I eat that.”

… And the rest is history.

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Yes… Death Eaters.

And then Crouch just takes everyone with him. I love how we’re never told who Crouch is or what his purpose is. He’s just there like, “YOU DID THIS SHIT!” How about a little exposition, Steve Kloves?

Also, what’s with the motherfucker in the hat?

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Shit just got real.

Also, how long does that stay in the sky before dissipating?

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Dumbledore’s tomb!

Colin:

They’re on the train for quite some time after this, suggesting it isn’t the right island, but it’s clearly the same one. They just figured nobody would notice. Also, how do the staff of the Hogwarts Express get by?

By train?

Colin:

They work, what…four times a year? Six?

Also, goddamnit, Mike.

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I feel like you should’ve transitioned directly to the newspaper and then cut out wide to the train. We’d have gotten it.

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Hermione’s thinking about what one of those snakes can do.

That’s a pretty well-endowed Dark Mark, is all I’m saying.

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They’re still handing out candy on this thing. Interesting. I thought they dispensed with stuff once we got too old for it.

Colin:

This, by the way, is the Honeydukes Express trolley. They have this thing just for Hogwarts. Which — you figure that most of the kids around the country are on this train, so they must do better here than they do in their store sometimes.

Why doesn’t the Three Broomsticks have a trolley?

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The Trolley Lady was also the Ancient Booer in The Princess Bride. Her name is Margery Mason. She was 93 when she shot this scene and lived to 100. Let’s pause for a moment to appreciate her.

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My sincere wish was that she was the Brooks of the Hogwarts Express. Transporting illegal shit with the candy.

Ron’s just got himself a rock hammer and don’t nobody know it. That’s right, Trolley Lady. I know you a badass.

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There’s also a really subtle moment here that I quite liked. Ron’s like, “I’ll get this candy and this other thing,” and then he pauses and is like, “On second thought, just this one.” And then Harry comes in like, “I’ll get it,” and Ron’s like, “Nah, just this one,” and goes off. It’s actually a subtly realistic moment. Since Ron actually can’t afford stuff and Harry can. So Harry’s like, “Just get the candy, I’ll pay for it,” and Ron doesn’t want to keep mooching off of Harry (we’ll let the obvious response to that slide). It’s a nice human moment in a film with dragons and Hitler moustaches.

Also, Ron is poor.

Colin:

Ugh, poor people. Trying to have pride.

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Uh oh, who’s that entering the frame?

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It’s Cho Chang!

Colin:

AND THE FRANCHISE JUST GOT GOOD.

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“DAYYYYYUUM!”

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“My seeking abilities don’t apply to just Quidditch, you know what I’m saying?”

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Colin:

I never noticed this before cause I was staring at Cho myself, but it’s great how the white chick behind her knows exactly what’s up, and is smiling like, “Yes, my friend IS Asian. I’m glad you noticed!”

Pretty sure this is the classic move of, “I’m just gonna flirt with all of them and test the response.” You aim for the one in front, but you also keep it broad enough, just in case Plan A falls through. Because if she doesn’t go for it, you know the white girl will. So you at least know you have something to fall back on.

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“Anything sweet for your dear?”

“Just a big piece of dat ass!”

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“Oh… not you.”

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“God DAMN, look at that wiggle!”

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“Got that ass for days…”

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Harry’s still thinking about her.

Colin:

I’m really glad they showed this, because I too suffer from this affliction.

Also, great idea – leave a cat right there with an owl. That’ll end well.

Colin:

My money’s on the owl, to be honest. 

Next time we go down to Mexico, we’ll find out.

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So he’s scratching it to make it seem like it’s not hurting?

What if he had acne? That’s not related to anything, it’s just a random thought.

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“Motherfucker, I SEE YOU.”

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Sure, we always write letters to wanted fugitives and PUT THEIR NAMES ON THEM.

Colin:

That’s a great fucking idea, now Sirius has to eat it.

It’s also a ballsy move to keep an open ink well on your lap on a moving train.

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So Hedwig knows where he lives?

Also, look at Hedwig’s eyes right now. She knows she’s about to do some wild shit. I want to see THAT interlude. It must be like Snoopy being the flying ace. Enemies coming left and right. Dipping through the backwoods. What IS the secret life of an owl like?

Harry Potter TV series idea: An episode called Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

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It’s so weird to notice that they’ve been setting up Dumbledore’s grave for us the entire time.

Colin:

So we’re passing it again? 

They just have so much shit to get to, they don’t have time for stuff like exposition and continuity.

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Oh hey, that place they almost got hit by the train in the flying car.

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Wow, weird how it’s like, right next to the school like that. Why would you be looking for the train in your flying car if the school was just over there the whole time?

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And now a flying carriage.

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Do they just find new ways to enter school each year?

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Seriously, people be gathering like crazy in these movies.

Is that McLovin’ on the left? Actually he looks like McLovin’ mixed with Todd Phillips.

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And now here’s Hagrid landing a carriage with sex paddles.

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One of the funniest shots in the entire franchise.

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Just didn’t give a fuck at all and almost ran him over.

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What the fuck is Crabbe doing there? Or is that what Colin Creevey turned into?

Also, Fred and George seem to be the only ones with the appropriate amount of concern for, “Holy shit, Hagrid almost just got fucking killed!”

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Lots of looks of wonderment in this movie. Still. Four movies in. I don’t get it. Are we reverting back to the first two movies or something?

Also, doesn’t that look like Kanye back there? I’m pretty sure that’s actually Kanye. Make the picture bigger. You’ll see him.

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Oh hey, it’s the Flying Dutchman.

You guys surfaced in the wrong franchise.

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Colin:

So…ships aren’t supposed to do that.

I really wanna know what accommodations are like on that ship. Presumably okay, since they spend the school year sleeping in it.

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Again – we’re not told SHIT about what’s going on right now. Think about this movie from the perspective of someone who hasn’t read the book. What the fuck do they think is happening?

This movie is actually becoming one of my least favorites of the franchise for that reason. They’re speeding through everything and not explaining any of it.

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Great shot, I know. But why haven’t they set any scenes on those stairs leading down to the water? Shit, I could write an entire third act action sequence on just those stairs and the rocks below.

Colin:

What if some bad guys tried to pull a Guns of Navarone and get in that way? That’d be sweet.

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Love the floating candles. I love that they made that a recurring thing in this room, because it’s amazing.

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Here comes Filch. While he runs, let’s stop to ask – why does Dumbledore have prepared remarks? Doesn’t that strike anyone else as strange? Like, I know it’s a big occasion, but does this man ever not seem totally prepared or in control of every situation to you?

Is he about to do a live read for Squarespace?

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THAT KID HAS JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE HAIR!

And you all knew which kid I was talking about, so nobody say shit.

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… fine. I’ll do it.

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Oh, I see Filius Flitwick, baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts, back there. That makes two Hitler ‘staches for the film.

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Kudos to them for leaving him having to run all the way back too.

That is an time allowance I will allow them to make even while they have 750 pages of book to get to.

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I love that run.

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Oh, yeah – Dumbledore was in the middle of saying they’re gonna be sharing the school with other people this year. The school has been asked to host a legendary event – the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

Remember how the tournament wasn’t a thing for like, 200 years and then they randomly decided to bring it back on the eve of the biggest genocidal maniac in the history of magic’s return?

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“Wow, we know what that is!”

That girl next to Fred and George looks she ghosted someone in Durmstrang and just realized she’s gonna have to see them again.

On the bright side, Dumbledore does answer one of my logic questions from the earlier articles. He says it “brings together three schools, for a series of magical contests.” Which means that there are more than three wizarding schools, these are the three that happened to be chosen this year. It’s kind of like the Olympics and one country being chosen to host. Only, they limit it to three to make shit less complicated (Rowling, I mean). I get that.

Colin:

So…I guess French wizards and Durmstrang-area witches are kinda…out of luck. No schools for you. Sorry.

Harry Potter TV Series idea: Parent-teacher conferences.

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Why do you look so confused? He explained it pretty clearly.

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“If chosen, you stand alone. Trust me when I say – these contests are not for the faint-hearted.”

Why should we trust you? Did you compete in one?

Colin:

They don’t get into the details of the tournament. This is the first one in centuries; they stopped holding them in 1792 when some kid died. I assume that it was because that tournament was held at Beauxbatons and that 1792 was the year the guillotine was invented and put into regular use.

Why was it put out of regular use is my question.

But actually, they stopped the tournament 200 years ago because someone died. And then they start it again… and someone dies. Pretty sure the answer here is clear: history doesn’t like Hufflepuffs.

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“But anyway – let’s welcome our guests.”

By the way – dude over his left shoulder – worst fake beard in the history of movies.

Dude all the way on the left side of the screen – too African. Not him, the way they dressed him. Don’t just code a dude like that unless we’re gonna learn about him.

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Guy in the back is fucking baked right now. Girl between him and Neville – sup?

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Here comes the Beauxbatons.

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I’m listening.

Look at young Faye Dunaway in the front there.

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Fuck the tournament. My GOD. Let’s hang out with THESE chicks for a year. They’re from an all female school and now they’re going co-ed for the year? Game on, good sirs.

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Hello to you too.

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Alright, maybe don’t seem so desperate, Ron.

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Co. Rect.

Colin:

You had my curiosity. Now you have my attention.

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Beauxbatons: We Got Butterflies Comin’ Out of Our Titties.

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Colin:

Did they bring their own stripper poles? This is choreographed, so you know they had to have practiced at some point. “No! Nicole! You are not slutty enough! Sluttier!”

I like how the presumption is a school like this would teach refinement and class and then they show up and they’re basically giving lap dances.

That’s education. Get you a girl that can do both.

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That’s Madame Maxime. Their headmistress. She look like she’s scoping out a few underage wizards right now.

Pattinson’s like, “What the fuck is that thing? Stop it before it gets to the children!”

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They have acrobats?

Well, I guess it is France. Honestly I’m surprised there’s no unicyclist.

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What up, Fleur Delacoeur?

Also – they got a Tinkerbell?

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Somehow he knows she’s going to marry his brother.

Colin:

It’s not that. He can’t tell you what, though, cause it’s a secretion.

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This shot is perfect.

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Best reaction goes to that ginger in the back. “EWWWW!!!!”

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No McGonagall, but Snape’s there. Maggie only does close ups.

Also, why is he holding onto his robes like that? It’s not a fucking wedding dress.

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Colin:

“Zion! Hear me!”

Oh wait… wrong franchise.

“And now our friends from the north – please greet the proud sons of Durmstrang.”

It’s official name is the Durmstrang Institute. Sounds like the wizarding ITT Tech.

Colin:

I wanna go to the wizarding NETTTS. Or the regular NETTTS.

“And their highmaster, Igor Karkaroff.”

Vegeta_Kakarot

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YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

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They’re the Kobra Kai of wizarding schools.

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Maggie only does close-ups.

Also, YEAH, HANDLEBAR MOUSTACHE!

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Seriously, though – it seems like Beauxbatons is the charm school of magical schools, and Durmstrang is the Sparta of magical schools. What does that make Hogwarts? The public school?

Also, is that a thing? They choose one all male, one all female and one co-ed for this tournament? Did we just get really lucky this year or is that a thing?

Colin:

They actually do talk about Beauxbatons wizards and Durmstrang witches in the book, but the movie just did away with that altogether, and even in the book you kinda forget that they’re coed. But this sort of brings me back to the card-flipping at the World Cup. Why do these schools have such panache? They both have their own choreographed acts, and Hogwarts can’t do SHIT. Ever notice how in movies or TV, the foreign groups or visiting teams are presented as uniformed bosses? They always act as a group and do something badass first thing. Makes you feel uncomfortable. But I can’t imagine an American wizarding school showing up and doing anything cool.

Except maybe SAVING THE DAY. #America #WeRunThisShit #FreedomFries

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That’s probably not a good thing to do around Seamus Finnigan.

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This is all very Soviet right now.

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Running? What the fuck? Why do they even have to make an entrance? Like, “Hey, this is what we’re all about. Be impressed!” They’re gonna live with you for an entire year. What if you moved into a place with roommates and came in on a fucking chariot? They’d still see you six months later sitting in a pile of your own filth, eating out of the same cereal bowl for the third day in a row.

Colin:

Crinkle crinkle.

I’d put that photo there, but we’ll get to it soon enough.

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Ninjas.

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But they can breakdance, apparently.

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The wool on your coat really cancels out the intensity in your face.

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Karkaroff has the best attire in the wizarding world, though. I haven’t seen anyone better dressed than him yet in this franchise.

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Boy, that sure looks like an accident waiting to happen.

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Look at this motherfucker. That coat is so badass, I want one. And he looks like he has hair warmers built into the bottom of his hat even though I know those are just the lapels.

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“Dylan! You son of a bitch!”

Colin:

Dumbledore and Karkaroff fought the Nazis wizards together back in the day. Madame Maxime…she sat that one out. But were there Nazi wizards? Or does the magic community sit all those things out?

Where Phoenixes Dare.

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What happened to the goat?

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I want to make an entrance like that one day.

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“Have you ever killed a man in the dead of winter?”

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Madame Maxine’s “horses” need attending to.

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“Oh I’ll take care of all yo shit.”

Also, look at Flitwick (baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts).

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Filius be filching.

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Yoink!

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“Just so you know, Hargird, my horses only drink single malt whiskey.”

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“Oh Imma fuck her.”

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Oh man, he stabbed Flitwick in the hand!

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“You idiot!”

That’s how you know he’s a badass. Calls a giant an idiot.

And he takes it.

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It’s the cup.

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Or it’s one of Dumbledore’s sex things.

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You know what I’m talking about.

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“Eternal glory – that’s what awaits the student who wins the Tri-Wizard Tournament.”

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“But to do this the wizard must survive three tasks.”

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“Three extremely dangerous tasks.”

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What up, Mad Eye?

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“Fuck you, ceiling!”

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“That’s Mad Eye Moody.”

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“You mean Alistair Moody? The Auror?”

Snape was right.

Colin:

Dean Thomas has to ask what an auror is, which sort of makes sense, and when I explain why, you may think less of JK Rowling. Dean Thomas is a half-blood who grew up with his mother (much like President Obama) not knowing he was a wizard. Even his mother didn’t know, because the dad skipped out while Dean was a baby without telling the mother he was a wizard. He was then murdered.

But the fact stands — one of the only Black characters with name recognition in the franchise had an absentee father. Harry’s father was murdered, but EVERYONE else has a dad. Not the Black kid. Thanks, Rowling. (JK)

This is also just bad writing though, because, wizard or no wizard, Dean 100% got ‘The Talk’ at some point during his childhood. Whether they’re on the beat or on the broom, a cop is a cop.

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They think they got some competition for baddest motherfuckers at Hogwarts.

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Colin:

His eyeball has mechanical zoom?

Harry Potter TV series idea: Mad Eye reality show. Or Mad Eye’s hidden camera porn.

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Nothing like a good drunk.

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Colin:

OF COURSE the Irish kid picks up on it and wants some.

It’s funny that I didn’t notice this when I watched. Probably because I was too busy doing the same thing.

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Anyway, Crouch – the head of the International Magical Co-Operation – the most useless position in the magical world – says that because of potential dangers, no student under the age of 17 can enter the tournament.

Naturally this happens because Harry is 15 and we can’t have him get into the tournament through the legitimate methods. Oh no. That wouldn’t be interesting.

Colin:

I really like that they’ve incorporated more normal clothing. He’s wearing a straight-up three-piece with some open robes over them. You can’t expect these people to wear robes ALL the time all over the place. I’m trying to imagine wizards in Miami, probably wearing beige robes made of linen, open at the chest. But you have to expect that after 9/11, a lot of American wizards would be ditching their robes.

Funny how the wizarding world makes no mention to historic events, ever. Not one discussion where people like Harry and Hermione, who grew up in the real world, mention something that no one has any idea about. It’s never really explained just how much magical people are aware of real world things. Like movies, or Tamagotchis.

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And everyone flips out that they can’t enter a tournament they just found out about. But honestly, what IF the Goblet of Fire chose Colin Creevey to enter the tournament? You’d really feel good about backing that horse?

Colin:

Not unless the competition involved Pokemon Snap cosplay like an asshole.

They really go nuts over it, too. It’s like when a courtroom gets out of order.

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“SILENCE!”

And everybody shuts up.

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That looks like Madame Maxine’s Diva Cup.

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Why did we need to see the women specifically having a reaction over the cup?

And why is there a chocolate rabbit just on the fucking table in shot?

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Colin:

Apparently Dumbledore’s a Crip.

Worst gender reveal ever.

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“The Goblet of Fire.”

Sounds like that should be the name of a cocktail.

Sounds like we should create an entire menu of Harry Potter cocktails and throw a giant party where we only make those.

Pretty much anything to get together and drink, really.

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Now there’s a collection of people.

That’s presumably Fleur’s sister. Who is also an acrobat.

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Dumbledore explains that anyone who wants to enter their name for the tournament needs to put their name on a piece of parchment and put it into the Goblet of Fire by Thursday.

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And then we just get close-ups of all the people who will be important in what’s about to happen.

Colin:

Man, it’s a good thing we arbitrarily met Cedric just in time for this to happen. Seems like we might have heard of him before, being a Quidditch player and all around popular kid and all.

He’s a Hufflepuff. We don’t have time for those.

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Do not do so lightly. If chosen, there’s no turning back.”

Why, exactly? What if someone broke a bone during a challenge? They’d just have to hobble out there for the rest? EXPLAIN YOUR BULLSHIT.

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That cup should not be lighting up all those windows like that. That’s some radioactive shit.

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Kakarot.

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This is what it looks like when you’re going to go sleep with someone who lives on your hall or steal government papers. He’s literally just going in to enter his boy’s name in the tournament. Not sure why it needed to be all secretive.

Also, not just any boy — THE CAPTAIN OF THE FUCKING WORLD CUP BULGARIAN QUIDDITCH TEAM. We know who it’s gonna be.

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This is where we’ll end Part I, wondering what this sneaky fuck is doing.

– – – – – – – – – –

We continue tomorrow with Part II, and the Tri-Wizard Tournament not living up to its name, an awful journalist, talking fire, and a Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson that actually does live up to its name.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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One response

  1. Pingback: 17 Thoughts While Re-Watching “Goblet of Fire” | MuggleNet

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