Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Part IV — ” Saudi A-lake-ia”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fourth part of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

We begin Part IV with Harry still in the throes of a deep depression and dangerous spiral of alcoholism and bad choices after Cho turned down his offer to go to the Yule Ball.

As Harry stumbles through another day and another haze, wearing the same clothes he’s worn for weeks, moving through life on autopilot, wishing the days were shorter, the blackouts longer, and this long, cruel life would be mercifully cut short by the sweet release of a stray bullet –

Ron comes in.

“What happened to you?”

“It was horrible! I walked in, and there was Hagrid and Madame Maxime! Oh my god… the spiders!”

What actually happened – he asked Fleur Delacoeur out.

(Why is he surrounded by first-year girls?)

Hermione don’t look happy.

Harry asks what she said. Hermione says, “No, of course.”

I love that head shake.

Hermione just threw up in her mouth there.

“There she was, walking by… you know how I like it when they walk…”

Colin:

It sounds retarded, but I can’t say I don’t understand completely. I like it when bitches walk.

Subtitle. “You Know How I Like It When Bitches Walk.”

And Harry nods, too! “I do know how you like it when they walk.”

He says it couldn’t help it. It just sort of slipped out. And Ginny goes, “Actually, he sort of screamed at her. It was a bit frightening.” Which is hilarious. And then he ran for it.

So he never got an answer? Why is he so shell-shocked then?

“Hi, Harry.” Jesus, they speak in stereo.

Do you think they moan in stereo, too?

Colin:

Wait a second. How are both the twins in the Gryffindor common room? I just realized it, but it’s happened several times. Padma’s a Ravenclaw, she ain’t supposed to be there.

I think you can be if you get invited, right?

Look at Jordan Peele back there?

“Wait a minute…”

Note: Right as Harry turns around, you can hear Ron say, “I’ve always liked looking at them from behind…”

Nice tux!

This looks like a Bar Mitzvah or something.

Except that one girl with the titties. Those ain’t no Bar Mitzvah titties. Those are newly single bridesmaid titties.

Damn, girl, you got a FINE ass!

I actually kind of like the robes.

There’s something very humorous about walking around in a tux with a toothbrush.

Colin:

Those robes… couldn’t they have McGonagall transfigure them into a tux? I can’t figure out why wizards keep shit they don’t like the way it is, especially when it’s down to appearance alone. I mean, it’s an inanimate fucking object.

Dress Robes:

Ron thinks Hermione must be in her room, crying. “Why do you think she didn’t tell us who she was coming with?”

“Because we’d tear the mickey out of her if she did.”

“Hello, boys.”

This is one step away from, “Come and play with us. Forever, and ever, and ever.”

But still, you guys did all right.

“What the fuck are you wearing?”

I love the amount of interracial couples going on here. Clearly the only prejudices in the magical world are with bloodlines.

Colin:

Honestly? I think they’re just trying to make up for the first two films being totally monochrome. Remember? And then we started picking up on the tokens around that Care of Magical Creatures class when we met Buckbeak in Prisoner of Azkaban. Now, there’s minorities EVERYWHERE in scenes where the main characters aren’t the only ones around. Like Hogwarts suddenly got a bunch of transfer kids from all over the world that weren’t there two years ago.

Maybe Hogwarts desegregated in 1985/1995.

Also, that motherfucker looks like the Count. “How many bitches will I sleep with tonight? One, two, three! Three bitches! Ah, ah, ah!”

McGonagall – looking fine as hell, I might add – tells Harry the champions are the first ones to dance.

“What the fuck are you wearing?”

“Why did you make me go with him?”

I love that look. “I’m six minutes older, I get the good one.”

That’s fucked up. Cedric had to be the one that asked her. At least he’s got good taste.

Colin:

Ooooooooh–oh! They Asian’ed up her outfit! I can most certainly work with that. Look, Cedric, I know that yellow is the Hufflepuff color, but she’s not for you. Too…just, no.

Aww, yeah. This is the moment a lot of people hit puberty.

For the rest of us, it was the, “When did she get hot?” moment.

You know its bad when even other girls are like, “Oh damn, look at her.”

Framing.

Also, notice that Harry is the first one to see her and not Ron. Again setting up only one relationship.

Colin:

Whoa, there, Viktor. What’s with the heel snap? Holy shit, is this the reveal where we find out that Hermione is a colonel in the SS? Is that why she was just smirking?

Fräulin Granger.

He’s dressed like The Mountie.

Harry and Ron look like they haven’t seen a barber in months, and this guy looks like his barber came with him. You don’t maintain that kinda fade without professional help every one to two weeks.

“I’m gonna get some dii-ick!”

Did they spray paint the doors for this?

Colin:

Ba-BOOM! Cho got BACK! On a scale of 1 to 10, this is an “awwww yeah.”

My Anaconda:

I want some.

Love this set. This looks like what Joe Wright did with Anna Karenina.

Fleur looks a little too much like Taylor Swift for my liking.

And that date of hers is totally the “Natalie Portman’s husband” of this party.

Colin:

Oh no. But it’s so true.

I feel like one of my missions in life is to say things that elicit this exact response. “OH NO. But, yeah.” That’s me in a nutshell right there. “You’re an asshole! …But you’re also right.”

She looks better in warm lighting.

He must have a gigantic dick. You know he’s the kind of guy who, before he fucks a chick, he goes, “If she dies, she dies.”

She looks better in cold lightning.

Colin:

She looks better in my apartment. Also — Peter Ustinov’s back!

Who let Nigel into this party?

Oh, just cut the Indian chick out entirely, huh?

Love this set.

“Hi!” Milking this for all it’s worth, aren’t you, Pavarti?

Just like Indira Gandhi.

People who know history just went, “Awww.”

(She got shot in the head. Is what happened.)

(Also, look at Draco. He want a piece of dat ass.)

Colin:

Parvati’s the finer of the two twins. I’d be stoked about her, too.

Goyle looks like he’s had one already.

Goyle’s got himself a white bitch, though.

Colin:

Flitwick’s ready to drop the beat.

DJ Flitty Flit. Droppin’ hits and rubbin’ clits!

“Hit me with horns, Trelawney!”

Also, he’s using an icicle as a baton.

Also – of course the dead-eyed Asian kid is playing violin. I already know this motherfucker’s backstory without even blinking.

And look at that girl in back with the bong.

She looks like she’s all kinds of down with well-mannered frivolity.

I like the one check who went red. Good choice.

When does Cha-Cha cut in?

(Note: Joke aside, Cha-Cha is Cho’s sister.)

Colin:

Dumbledore’s all, “Shit, Harry’s bombing. I need tonight to be fabulous, fabulous, fabulous! Come on, Minerva, move your tushy!”

♫ “Throw out your hands / stick out your tush / hands on your hips / give ‘em a push!” ♫

Does Fleur count as “The French Mistake”?

Actually I think he’s more like, “Ain’t everyone gonna get laid but me. Let’s go bitch, I’ll go back to chicks just this once, but I sure hope you keep that doody hole loose.” (Dumforgivable.)

Nothing needs to be said.

Colin:

You can tell that Filch has his will all drawn up.

This motherfucker’s always dressed better than everyone.

Also, what’s with Jim Brown back there?

And who’s that fine-looking chick Snape is with? Must be a hooker, right? He seems like the House type. Can’t get the one he wants so he just gets hookers all the time.

Isn’t it a coincidence that somehow all our major players are the primary dates at this ball? And they threw in a random just to make it seem like it wasn’t planned that way.

Neville took Ginny?

Colin:

Ginny’s starting herself at the bottom of the skank totem pole. Just the bare boners, really.

Neville’s Petrificus Totalus right now.

Though, all this ragging on Ginny you’re doing is actually making me like her a lot more.

Colin:

I don’t particularly hate her for the skankiness, although now that I’ve started, it won’t stop. I have a bigger problem with her character arc, which we’ll get to sometime later. And that’s a beef with Rowling. But then, I got enough beef with Rowling that we could take the Chisholm Trail to Abilene and do some nice business.

Oh, I know. I just feel like it’s my job to be straight man for it.

Is he wearing Malfoy?

Colin:

And the one-legged Scot with a ferret for a dick is drunk. Carry on.

It’s hard staring into your future, kids. Take it from me.

This reminds me of a shot in The Spy Who Loved Me, with a very obviously symbolic pointy object between a man and a woman.

“You ready?”

“Let’s do this.”

Wouldn’t it be great if they just went on the floor and started doing the dance from the end of Silver Linings Playbook?

Or this?

Colin:

I was hoping that this wasn’t the modern style band playing. I wanted it to be Flitwick, who came up with something new. “That was fun! Let’s do another! Yeah, something that really cooks.”

“Harry! I heard you laid out the Hungarian Horntail! Nice going!” “Harry, d’you ever think of running for Head Boy?”

“Hey, Filius, it’s your cousin Marvin!”

But actually.

(Also, yes, that’s Josh Radnor.)

Colin:

What…the fuck is this wizard music? Why does the music have to be about all magical shit?

The guy singing there is Jarvis Cocker from Pulp (the guy who wrote and sang “Petey’s Song” in Fantastic Mr. Fox) and Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead is playing guitar. Just FYI.

CROWD SURFING!

Baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

I found the “too drunk chick”!

Why is Crabbe dancing like he’s Krum’s buddy?

And where’s everyone else? Did they all go off to fuck already?

Also, poor form, Harry and Ron. You do the waltz but not this?

Colin:

Just one question. Where does she keep her wand?

Even if you didn’t want to dance, you could be like, “Hey, girls, wanna go back to the dorms and get drunk?” And then you go and get drunk and you all start making out and shit. You guys suck.

Seriously, they’re TWINS! Try to get them drunk and make them do lesbian shit. Do SOMETHING.

Colin:

This is honestly the biggest waste ever. Just cause they’re both not-so-secretly in love with two other girls doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy the evening with their dates. I’m all for going back up to Eiffel Gryffindor Tower.

I think they live on the second floor of Gryffindor Tower. Which is good. Channelers are on the third floor.

SEE?!

And now you just lost her to Colossus.

He asks for her arm.

“Arm, leg – I’m yours.”

This dude’s gonna get some great sex tonight because of you, Harry. That’s not something to be proud about.

Also, why were they staying with them, anyway? Just because you go to a party with someone doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them the whole time.

Colin:

Can we take Harry and Ron to CB Court for cockblocking themselves?

It’s the wizarding world. There are no legitimate courts. Remember Crouch? “Ahh ahh you did it fuck you!” Fudge is gonna do the same thing in the next movie.

There is no justice in the wizarding world. He said, throwing back another bourbon and branch water.

Oh, that’s cold. They’re going off to fuck right in front of the other two.

Is that a dude in drag at the bar?

“Aren’t you supposed to look like that afterwards?”

“What’s got your wand in a knot?”

I – I got nothing. That was perfect.

Ron says she’s fraternizing with the enemy. Hermione says the tournament was for international magical cooperation. To make friends. Ron says Krum “has a bit more than friendship on his mind.”

Anyone with a half a brain knows what that look means.

Terrific shot.

And now they’re leaving together anyway. That’s… a shame. She could have gotten dick, and she chose to have a fight with the guy she actually likes.

Pfft… women.

Damn, where did those come from?

“Next time there’s a ball, pluck up the courage and ask me before somebody else does!”

Game. Granger.

“Where have you been?!”

Oh god. She just reminded me of Molly Weasley.

Oh…

Oh.

“Never mind, off to bed, both of you.”

And they listen, too.

“They get scary when they get older.”

You stupid fuck.

Why would you do that? You were about to get off pretty light and then you make that comment. Now she’s gonna fuck you up.

Are they helping a drunk girl back there?

Colin:

Watch those hands, Hagrid. Not til you get her back to the hut.

The amount of times my inner monologue has said “not til you get her back to the hut”…

It’s two am. Only the real playas are still awake.

And Sirius’s owl comes back.

And Harry is jerking off.

What kind of jerk off fantasy is this?

“You all right, Harry?”

Colin:

Why’s Neville so happy? Oh, Ginny just sucked him off.

He even says – “I just got in. Me!”

Two days from task two. Harry hasn’t figured out the egg clue yet.

Harry guesses Viktor’s figured out the egg. Hermione says they haven’t talked about that. They haven’t really talked about anything. “Viktor’s more of a physical being.”

Colin:

Yes, Hermione. I bet he is. “You vill suck harder! Your suckink displeases me! I vill do eet myself!”

You think Hermione talks in her shleep?

I like how they’re laughing because it sounds like they fucked. She just means he’s not particularly loquacious.

Colin:

But she is. “I was like, good gracious, ass is loquacious!” I’m not remembering those lyrics wrong, am I?

We don’t do fact checking up in herre.

“Uh huh. Sure you did.”

THIS IS NOT A MOMENT THAT SHOULD BE HAPPENING BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM.

Honestly, though, at this point, I am rooting for the two of them to end up together. Fuck the books. This is the relationship that matters in the movies.

Colin:

But then Harry would get all the attention, all the praise, win at everything AND get the girl. Ron gets nothing and he’s out a rat. How much does that suck? That in Rowling’s eyes, Hermione is basically Ron’s consolation prize for being a cut-rate everything.

She’s scared for him.

(This is some Lady Macbeth framing.)

Nice shot.

Cedric comes and thanks Harry for telling him about the dragons. Harry says don’t worry about it, he’s sure Cedric would have done the same for him.

“Exactly.”

“You know the prefect’s bathroom on the fifth floor? It’s not a bad place for a bath.”

Wait, what?

He says to bring his egg with him, and “mull things over in the hot water.”

“Did he just come onto me?”

Why is every liquid yellow at this school?

Why is the bathwater primary colors?

Colin:

THAT is a bathroom. I bet there’s towels in there that fold THEMSELVES into swans.

Is he even allowed in there?

Colin:

Ew. What’s with stained glass mermaid bitch’s six pack?

Did you really need a mirror there?

“I’d try putting it IN the water.”

You’re four floors away from your bathroom, Myrtle.

Myrtle!

“Hello, Harry. LONG time – ”

“– no see.”

Colin:

Myrtle, you crazy ghost bitch! You know what’s wrong with this scene? Everything. Am I enjoying it? Yup.

It really is funny because she’s like 40.

This school has so many bathrooms that most people aren’t able to use.

Remember when one of them was a eugenics dungeon?

“Ever get blown by a ghost?”

No.

“Want to?”

Kinda.

Colin:

Oh snap, is Enya a mermaid?

She’s looking right at his dick.

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

I like that he tries to put bubbles over his dick like she’s not a ghost and can’t just do what she wants anyway.

What if he got hard right now?

Was she actually there for this scene? Had to be, right?

Colin:

She’s the only truly honest character in this franchise so far. She wants some dick and she won’t beat around the bush. Probably a virgin, but that’s okay cause the Slytherin ghost is into that sort of thing. Why do you think they call him the Bloody Baron?

It’s double weird because not only is she 40, the actress, but the character is 12. A 12 year old wants a 14-year-old’s dick. Though admittedly it does come off in a more, “I want to look,” way than the “don’t stop til I’m numb” way.

Also, Harry Potter TV series idea: Ghost fucking.

Just — imagine that cut. How hilarious would that be? That HBO cut. You know what I’m talking about.

Harry researches for the challenge.

Hermione tries to help him Summer Sanders.

Moody comes to get Ron and Hermione because McGonagall needs to see them.

“Longbottom? Why don’t you help Potter put his books back?”

I like how he’s just there at the ready for this plot point. I mean moment.

Neville starts talking about plants, Harry says he doesn’t give a fuck about plants, unless there’s one that will allow him to breathe underwater for an hour.

“Oh, you mean gillyweed?”

Wow, that was coincidentally simple.

They’re taking bets outside Dumbledore’s grave.

“Don’t be so mean.”

All right. “Well fuck y’all, then.” She just walks through them and tells them to go fuck themselves. No idea why this moment exists, but I’m fascinated by it.

Colin:

I know I’m long past the point where people have finished judging me, so I’ll just say it. That looks like Victreebel jizz.

He could have said “Tangela pubes,” but he went with Victreebel jizz. I approve. The word Victreebel is funnier.

(Also, for those who don’t know what we’re talking about — it’s Katie’s sister.)

Yup, dealing that gillyweed. Harry got a dime bag.

But Ron and Hermione ain’t there.

And here we are, at something that’s clearly safe.

“Last night, something was stolen from each of our champions. These four treasures – one for each champion – now lie on the bottom of the Black Lake.”

Did they build these things specifically for this challenge? Are they gonna be left standing there after this like Olympic stadiums?

Also, Dark Forest, Black Lake — you guys have some ominous sounding grounds around your school.

Sup, Fleur?

I love how not subtle it is at all.

“Put that in your mouth.”

He said your motherfuckin’ mouth.

But seriously … hello, Fleur.

Colin:

Fleur. Oh god damn. But Hermione, you should really stay away from Viktor. He’s got wife-beating tendencies.

He just pushes Harry in.

Colin:

Wassup, International House of Pancake Feet? You look like an underwater douche, I hope you know that. I would also be wary about all the bodily transformations. Harry is skeptical about shit like a tent that’s more spacious inside than it looks, but is totally cool with all kinds of weird potions and spells and plants that fundamentally alter his body in weird ways. This is the kind of guy where you give him a pill, he takes it, and then asks, “So….what’d I just take?”

Why was that necessary?

This is a quintessentially Neville shot.

Colin:

How is it that there’s a plant that lets you breathe underwater and EVERYONE doesn’t know about that shit? Wouldn’t you be required to carry some on boats in case you fell overboard? Wouldn’t people eat that shit all the time and go swimming? This seems like a total Deus ex Machina. You need to make your left earlobe 2.4 centimeters longer? Oh, that’ll be gimpyweed, there’s a bunch of it growing under the charms classroom window. Too much shit in this franchise pops up randomly at JUST the right moment.

It’s the fact that they don’t know about any of it that gets me.

Colin:

So, this is a HUGE lake. Are we to assume that the stuff we’re looking for is somewhere well-lit and obvious? Cause this body of water is probably the size of a fucking airport and full of crevasses and caves and shit.

I think we all know what’s really down there.

(Also, in case he’s reading, maybe don’t doubt the person when he says he’s got that shit beat no problem. Some people are just naturally bosses. Screenwalker, baby.)

Colin:

Oh, follow Enya, I guess.

Sail away, sail away, sail away.

Yeah, sure… go through those. That’ll end well.

Sup, Fleur?

Kakarot.

And the dude that fucked Pavarti.

And here we are at King Triton’s place.

Well that was pretty easy.

When he tells you to dump someone in the mahsh, he means IN THE MAHSH.

Colin:

Three of the four people here are people that Harry would really want to save. Sorry, little French chick. But I guess he has to use his deductive reasoning powers to figure out that ain’t nobody else give a shit about Ron. So that makes sense. But that’s rather nice…especially considering they were just fighting with one another shortly before this.

Gotta wonder how this was all chosen — if the Goblet told the teachers who they cared most about. Harry could have potentially tied with both Cedric AND Krum on their choices. Who knows? Maybe Ron was the runner-up or something. Or, maybe the professors just guessed based on what they’d seen. What if Harry and Ron were still fighting and the teachers didn’t know? Harry’d have been all, “I know this motherfucker ain’t MY treasure.”

The other funny thing is how simple this challenge actually is. Since nothing actually impedes them from doing anything. They just have to search the lake, find the people, use something to make sure they don’t die (breathing-wise), and bring them back up. Nothing actually attacks most of the other contestants. Harry only gets attacked later when he goes for two people instead of one. This is kind of a weak task if you ask me.

Not to mention — how the FUCK did they set this up? Did they work with the wild sea creatures to make sure these people would be safe? Because one of them is about to be like, “Nah, son, you can only save one person.” How do they know which person is for which contestant? Aren’t there legit wild creatures in this lake? Can’t sharks and shit just come by and fuck these people up before anyone gets here? Do these creatures chill in this lake and have no contact with the school? Do they occasionally attack people stupid enough to end up in there? Seriously, this makes no sense that they were able to be like, “Okay, so we have this tournament…” and had those creatures understand it.

I wonder what they’d have taken from me. A bottle of Johnnie Walker?

Why is she wearing lipstick?

“Tick tock, motherfucker. And yes, my hair looks this good underwater, too.”

Colin:

Is that a DIGITAL WATCH? WHAT? 

And then – this is great – he goes to help Hermione –

Nope.

Colin:

Fail away, fail away, fail away.

A+

“Only one.”

And then all those piranha with the Beyoncé hair disperse because…

Jaws.

Colin:

THAT…was a motherfucking shark. Harry almost got Samuel L. Jackson’ed by Krum.

So what do you think that actually is? It’s not transfiguration, since it’s just his head. Which leads me to believe it’s a weed or something you take that does it. (Nope. Looked it up. He just sucks at transfiguration. He only managed to get the head.)

Time to get Ron.

Cosette?

The definition of a Gryffindor. For better and for worse. Since you know these people are in no danger whatsoever. You know when Ron and Hermione went to McGonagall’s office, she explained the situation and they said okay. Unless they black-bagged them. They go to the office, a stun gun, throw a bag over their head, knock them out and take them to Saudi A-lake-ia. I highly doubt they did that shit. Especially to a child like that. So they’re clearly okay. Once the hour is up, they’ll bring them back to the surface. But no, Harry’s gotta be like, “I MUST do this. It’s only me who can save her!”

Gillyweed is a gateway plant.

Colin:

Just spent a solid five minutes imagining Saudi A-lake-ia. 

Colin:

Doo doo cloud.

I’d be doing that too.

“Ascencio!”

Colin:

What was that spell? The ‘shoot me up in the air 50 feet’ spell?

When did he learn that?

Colin:

Ooh, la la.

Fucking California.

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Fucking California!

Colin:

LOUD DUMBLEDORE IS LOUD!

They give Harry second place because of his determination to save everyone. Or, “for outstanding moral fiber.”

I gotta get more of that in my diet.

Watching Draco beat up little kids is just funny to me.

Colin:

Watching anyone beat up little kids is just funny to me.

I almost wrote this exact same sentence and then went, “Meh… it’ll end up there.”

“All that moral fiber, eh? It’s great, isn’t it?”

Crouch has a conversation with Harry. It seems creepy, but it’s actually pretty sweet once you know the whole story.

And there’s Moody.

Oh, but that tongue thing.

Crouch knows that.

Doesn’t it look like he just got shivved?

And now he knows he knows.

Colin:

You’re right about “Moody”. Cause his voice doesn’t change for later films, so I’m just assuming this guy is a master impressionist.

Also, the stuff in Moody’s flask doesn’t sound like it’s the consistency of what we find out it is. We’ve heard the type of sound that makes, and it doesn’t slosh. 

Does Hagrid just like taking them for walks in the Dark Forest?

Well, he’s dead. And he had such an important job, too! Doing…. you know… that stuff.

Colin:

Hey, dead guy.

Not once is it explained why they’re there.

Dumbledore wants Fudge to cancel the tournament. Fudge refuses, not wanting to look like a coward. Why Moody is there, I have no idea.

Oh… right. He’s technically worked for both of them. Never mind.

“You’ll be interested to know that this conversation is no longer private.”

“Oh, Harry!”

Why is it that not-Mad Eye gets all the cool moments and real Mad Eye gets shit?

And they all leave for a minute. The perfect amount of time for Harry to find something that will be important later.

I can tell right now, this is the time in the book where Rowling would go off for two pages – “And Harry remembered his first time meeting Fawkes, when he thought he killed him, and it turned out Fawkes was actually burning himself so he could rise from his ashes. And the Sorting Hat…”

Dude, Dumbledore told you to have one or two.

Colin:

That’s what you get for being piggy and taking a handful. Polite children are taught to take one candy at a time, in case they turn into biting monsters on human contact.

This is like Alien.

Colin:

Nice toilet!

Colin:

In a world of magical potions that do all manner of things and could be potentially harmful, it’s always a good idea to stick the flimsy piece of wood that your life depends upon into an unidentified basin of iridescent liquid. Idiot.

For all he knows that could be The Dip.

He’s tripping off acid.

But actually, though, he’s tripping his balls off right now.

That’s how you Swayze.

Here we are at the Nuremberg trials.

Kakarot.

Kakarot is giving up his Death Eater buddies in exchange for freedom. Which is pretty good. Within twenty years of freedom, he’s heading up a major magical school. Usually you can’t get a job like that with priors like he’s got.

Kakarot gives a name, but the guy is dead.

“Took a piece of me with him, though, didn’t he?”

He gives up a guy in the Ministry of Magic, and then gives up Snape.

But Dumbledore’s like, “Snape’s all good.”

Crouch wants to dismiss the hearing.

“Oh no, no,” Kakarot says. He’s got a name for you.

“Oh fuck… he’s gonna do it.”

(Is that Tilda Swinton?)

(And John Marley?)

Kakarot knows a guy who was involved with using the Cruciatus Curse on Auror Frank Longbottom and his wife.

Is that Ray Winstone? I was gonna say “Is that Tilda Swinton?” again, but that actually looks like Ray Winstone.

Too bad Crouch’s gotta go to prison, because that’s a nice suit.

Do people not age in this universe?

“Barty Crouch!”

“Jr.”

Mad Eye’s all over that shit.

Look at all those fucking papers. You guys have MAGIC. How are you this poorly organized?

Kakarot could have pissed all over those papers if he wanted to.

This is a pretty great scene. It sets up everything that’s happened (which we’ll find out about later). Though the whole – him being nice to Neville thing is pretty strange.

Colin:

So… awkward.

How do we all not know right now that Crouch is Moody? We should know by now that everything said is exposition for later. I’ve heard the words Polyjuice potion mentioned by Moaning Myrtle, saw Moody drinking from a flask all film, saw him do the tongue thing – we probably figured that shit out earlier, but now it’s painfully obvious. Which is gonna be funny in a second. The only reason the book was able to cloud it a bit was because they played it like, “Snape was a Death Eater, and he’s a shifty motherfucker, and Karkaroff was one too. I don’t know who’s doing what and don’t know who to trust.” Here, they’re steamrolling through everything so fast the law of exposition makes it painfully obvious what’s going to happen.

Oh, also, we just got reminded that Rita Skeeter just disappears from this movie after that tent scene. We see her in flashback, but then we never see her again. Remember in the book where she kept being a cunt and got her comeuppance by Hermione? Yeah, none of that. She just sort of disappears and it’s never explained.

“Curiosity’s not a sin, Harry. But you should exercise caution.”

He thinks he saw his gay porn memories and is prepared to kill him. He’s using the same tone of when you realize someone is actually the bad guy.

Dumbledore explains all about the Pensieve. (Creepily, I might add. Look at him.)

Colin:

Question — I’ve always been unclear about the Pensieve. So, you’re removing memories and putting them in there? But if you’re removing them, how do you remember what they are? And similarly, once you’ve seen them, do you have to remove them again cause you just relived it?

It seems like the memories actually remain and you’re just revisiting them more clearly. But they keep implying that once you’ve seen a lot of shit, you’ll want to unburden yourself by putting memories in a Pensieve. How is that not a lobotomy? And if it isn’t, how does it unburden you, if you still have those memories? This feels like another device that Rowling threw at us and said, “It does some shit, just go with it.” It’s our means of being able to watch flashbacks.

I’m figuring it’s more like — “take a picture, it’ll last longer.” You put them in there so you can always revisit them, and that way you can always see them in their clearest form. And the whole “unburden” part I think is just making them more expendable inside your head so you don’t have to work to remember them. They can go away and you can come back to look at them at any time.

Kind of like bookmarks. You know that news article you told yourself you’d read but not right now? And it’s been sitting in your bookmarks since 2010?

He’s searched and searched for something – “some small detail.”

But he’s got nothing. Which is the hilarious thing I was talking about. Motherfucker, you had that memory on tap. We figured it out.

Harry asks what happened to Barty Crouch Jr. Dumbledore says he’s in Azkaban.

Harry says he had a dream about him. (Nice lighting.)

“Oh? What kind of dream?”

Colin:

“I had this dream, and Voldemort was there — but he wasn’t quite human, you know? Like, sorta human, but also kinda not. And we were in a house, but it opened into my elementary school cafeteria…”

So Harry explains the dream, and Dumbledore tells him not to dwell upon them. He says to “cast them away,” as he puts a memory into the Pensieve. Which sounds like his way of saying, “Just block out all the bad shit, Harry. Just don’t think about it.” Which is kind of fucked up.

Also, what memory is he putting in there now? This conversation? This thing seems like those people who are so over-reliant on their phones that they sacrifice being in the moment in order to record it to never look at again later.

You know the only time that worked out? Zapruder.

Nice hallway to casually stroll down.

People shooting up in the stockroom. Aww yeah.

I’d love it if he shot up heroin into his tattoo.

So Harry walks in on that.

And now we know they were both former Death Eaters.

Snape congratulates Harry about the second challenge. Gillyweed – smart move.

The thing about gillyweed, though, is that it’s really rare.

“Like this. Know what it is?”

“Bubble juice?”

“Veritaserum.”

Colin:

I don’t usually notice shit like this, but…this was an obvious mistake. Snape’s holding the Veritaserum bottle on the bottom half in the shot looking towards him, then when they do the reverse shot, he’s holding it at the top of the bottle. When they go back to the original shot, it’s at the bottom again. You wouldn’t normally catch errors like this, but you’re supposed to be staring at the stuff. They should have been more careful about that.

“Three drops of this and You-Know-Who would spill his darkest secrets.”

Whenever I write “To Whom It May Concern” on letters and emails, I always pretend like I’m writing to Voldemort.

“The use of it on a student is – regrettably – forbidden.”

He says that if Harry steals from his personal store again, he’ll use it. Harry says he hasn’t stolen anything.

“Don’t lie. To me.” Great delivery.

Colin:

Harry should be like, “Gimme that truth juice right now, and you’ll find out I’m innocent. You’ll also find out what I really think about you. Actually, we don’t even need the potion for that. Cunt.”

He also says that gillyweed may be innocuous, but “boomslang skin, lacewing flies –”

Colin:

Boomslang skin? That’s for my libido.

He says Harry and his friends are brewing Polyjuice potion and he’s gonna find out why.

Can’t they just get that shit at a local apothecary? Hogsmeade or something?

Also — shit’s been missing for an entire year and you’re only getting suspicious now?

And that’s where we’ll end Part IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow, we go to Part V, where there will be blood.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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