Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005), Part IV — “Saudi A-lake-ia”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fourth part of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

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We begin Part IV with Harry still in the throes of a deep depression and dangerous spiral of alcoholism and bad choices after Cho turned down his offer to go to the Yule Ball.

As Harry stumbles through another day and another haze, wearing the same clothes he’s worn for weeks, moving through life on autopilot, wishing the days were shorter, the blackouts longer, and this long, cruel life would be mercifully cut short by the sweet release of a stray bullet –

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Ron comes in.

“What happened to you?”

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“It was horrible! I walked in, and there was Hagrid and Madame Maxime! Oh my god… the spiders!”

What actually happened – he asked Fleur Delacoeur out.

(Why is he surrounded by first-year girls?)

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Hermione doesn’t look happy.

Harry asks what she said. Hermione says, “No, of course.”

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I love that head shake.

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Hermione just threw up in her mouth.

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“There she was, walking by… you know how I like it when they walk…”

Colin:

It sounds stupid, but I can’t say I don’t understand completely. I like it when bitches walk.

Subtitle. “You Know I Like It When Bitches Walk.”

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And Harry nods, too! “I do know how you like it when they walk.”

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He says it couldn’t help it. It just sort of slipped out. And Ginny goes, “Actually, he sort of screamed at her. It was a bit frightening.” Which is hilarious. And then he ran for it.

So he never got an answer? Why is he so shell-shocked then?

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“Hi, Harry.” Jesus, they speak in stereo.

Harry:

Do you think they moan in stereo, too?

Colin:

Wait a second. How are both the twins in the Gryffindor common room? I just realized it, but it’s happened several times. Padma’s a Ravenclaw, she ain’t supposed to be there.

I think you can be if you get invited, right?

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“Wait a minute…”

Look at Jordan Peele back there.

Note: Right as Harry turns around, you can hear Ron say, “I’ve always liked looking at them from behind…”

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Nice tux!

Also, so that’s it? We just cut to the dance like that?

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This looks like a Bar Mitzvah or something.

Except that one girl with the low-cut dress. That’s not a Bar Mitzvah dress. That’s a ‘newly single bridesmaid’ dress.

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I can’t believe this school is unleashing hormonal teenagers like this.

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I actually kind of like the robes.

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There’s something very humorous about walking around in a tux with a toothbrush.

Bond. James Bond. DDS.

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Colin:

Those robes… couldn’t they have McGonagall transfigure them into a tux? I can’t figure out why wizards keep shit they don’t like the way it is, especially when it’s down to appearance alone. I mean, it’s an inanimate fucking object.

Dress Robes:

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Ron thinks Hermione must be in her room, crying. “Why do you think she didn’t tell us who she was coming with?”

“Because we’d tear the mickey out of her if she did.”

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“Hello, boys.”

This is one step away from, “Come and play with us. Forever, and ever, and ever.” But still, you guys did all right.

Also, not gonna lie… way more interested in whatever conversation is happening in the background of this shot.

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“What the fuck are you wearing?”

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I love the amount of interracial couples going on here. Clearly the only prejudices in the magical world are with bloodlines.

Colin:

Honestly? I think they’re just trying to make up for the first two films being totally monochrome. Remember? And then we started picking up on the tokens around that Care of Magical Creatures class when we met Buckbeak in Prisoner of Azkaban. Now, there’s minorities EVERYWHERE in scenes where the main characters aren’t the only ones around. Like Hogwarts suddenly got a bunch of transfer kids from all over the world that weren’t there two years ago.

Maybe Hogwarts desegregated in 1985/1995.

Also, that motherfucker is dressed like the Count. “How many Hufflepuffs will I sleep with tonight? One, two, three! Ah, ah, ah!”

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McGonagall – looking fine as hell, I add – tells Harry the champions are the first ones to dance.

Hit that shit, Harry.

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“What the fuck are you wearing?”

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“Why did you make me go with him?”

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I love that look. “I’m six minutes older, I get the good one.”

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That’s fucked up. Cedric had to be the one that asked her. At least he’s got good taste.

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Colin:

Ooooooooh–oh! They Asian’ed up her outfit! I can most certainly work with that. Look, Cedric, I know that yellow is the Hufflepuff color, but she’s not for you. Too…just, no.

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Aww, yeah. This is the moment a lot of people hit puberty.

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You know its bad when even other girls are like, “Oh damn, look at her.”

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Framing.

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Also, notice that Harry is the first one to see her and not Ron. Again setting up only one relationship.

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Colin:

Whoa, there, Viktor. What’s with the heel snap? Holy shit, is this the reveal where we find out that Hermione is a colonel in the SS? Is that why she was just smirking?

Fräulin Granger.

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He’s dressed like a Mountie.

Harry and Ron look like they haven’t seen a barber in months, and this guy looks like his barber came with him. You don’t maintain that kinda fade without professional help every one to two weeks.

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“I’m gonna get some dii-ick!”

And honestly? Good for her. She deserves it.

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Did they spray paint the doors for this?

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Colin:

Ba-BOOM! Cho got BACK! On a scale of 1 to 10, this is an “awwww yeah.”

My Anaconda:

I want some.

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Love this set. This looks like what Joe Wright did with Anna Karenina.

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Fleur’s date is totally the “Natalie Portman’s husband” of this party.

Colin:

Oh no. But it’s so true.

I feel like one of my missions in life is to say things that elicit this exact response. “OH NO. But, yeah.” That’s me in a nutshell right there. “You’re an asshole! …but fuck, that’s accurate.”

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The warm lighting suited her better.

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This fucking guy.

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She looks better in cold lightning.

Colin:

She looks better in my apartment. Also — Peter Ustinov’s back!

Who let Nigel into this party?

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Oh, just cut the Indian chick out entirely, huh?

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Love this set.

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“Hi!” Milking this for all it’s worth, aren’t you, Pavarti? Honestly, go for it.

(Also, look at Draco. He wants a piece of dat ass.)

Colin:

Parvati’s the finer of the two twins. I’d be stoked about her, too.

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Goyle looks like she broke up with him just for this.

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Damn, Harry. You look like you just auditioned for Philadelphia.

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Colin:

Flitwick’s ready to drop the beat.

DJ Flitty Flit. Droppin’ hits and rubbin’ clits!

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Hit me with horns, Trelawney!

Also, he’s using an icicle as a baton.

Also – of course the dead-eyed Asian kid is playing violin. I already know this motherfucker’s backstory without even blinking.

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She looks like she’s all kinds of down with well-mannered frivolity.

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I like the one chick who went red. Good choice. Go big or go home.

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When does Cha-Cha cut in?

(Note: Joke aside, Cha-Cha is Cho’s sister.)

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Colin:

Dumbledore’s all, “Shit, Harry’s bombing. I need tonight to be fabulous, fabulous, fabulous! Come on, Minerva, move your tushy!”

♫ “Throw out your hands / stick out your tush / hands on your hips / give ‘em a push!” 

Does Fleur count as “The French Mistake”?

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Nothing needs to be said.

Colin:

You can tell that Filch has his will all drawn up.

I wonder what there even is for her to get.

Also, what’s most sad about him is that he’s so insignificant to this school you know he’d be dead for a week before anyone even realized it. And they’d only realize it when they noticed something wasn’t done or needed something done.

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This motherfucker’s always dressed better than everyone.

Also, what’s with Jim Brown back there?

And who’s that fine-looking witch Snape is with?

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Are they waltzing? That’s the proper time to shake a dry martini to.

Manhattans are foxtrot time. Bronx is to two-step.

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Isn’t it a coincidence that somehow all our major players are the primary dates at this ball? And they threw in a random just to make it seem like it wasn’t planned that way.

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Neville took Ginny?

Colin:

Ginny’s starting herself at the bottom of the skank totem pole. Just the bare boners, really.

Neville’s Petrificus Totalus right now.

Though, all this ragging on Ginny you’re doing is actually making me like her a lot more.

Colin:

I don’t particularly hate her for the skankiness, although now that I’ve started, it won’t stop. I have a bigger problem with her character arc, which we’ll get to sometime later. And that’s a beef with Rowling. But then, I got enough beef with Rowling that we could take the Chisholm Trail to Abilene and do some nice business.

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Professor Moody, you got new legs!

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Is he wearing Malfoy?

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Colin:

And the one-legged Scot with a ferret for a dick is drunk. Carry on.

It’s hard staring into your future, kids.

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We’ll get to this moment in a second. But — did they import this band from somewhere else? Who are these kids? Do they not get to party? Are they first years? Does Hogwarts even teach music? Or because it’s public school the art and music programs got cut in favor of quidditch?

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This reminds me of a shot in The Spy Who Loved Me, with a very obviously symbolic pointy object between a man and a woman.

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“You ready?”

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“Let’s do this.”

Wouldn’t it be great if they just went on the floor and started doing the dance from the end of Silver Linings Playbook?

Or this?

Colin:

I was hoping that this wasn’t the modern style band playing. I wanted it to be Flitwick, who came up with something new. “That was fun! Let’s do another! Yeah, something that really cooks.”

“Harry! I heard you laid out the Hungarian Horntail! Nice going!” “Harry, d’you ever think of running for Head Boy?”

“Hey, Filius, it’s your cousin Marvin!”

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But actually.

(Also, yes, that’s Josh Radnor. And Chris Evans, while we’re at it.)

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Colin:

What…the fuck is this wizard music? Why does the music have to be about all magical shit?

The guy singing there is Jarvis Cocker from Pulp and Jonny Greenwood from Radiohead is playing guitar. Just FYI. Why? Who cares, honesty. They’re here.

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CROWD SURFING!

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Baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

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I found the “too drunk” chick!

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Why is Crabbe dancing like he’s Krum’s buddy?

And where’s everyone else? Did they all go off to fuck already?

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Also, poor form, Harry and Ron. You do the waltz but not this? (Duck l’orange.)

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Colin:

Just one question. Where does she keep her wand?

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Even if you didn’t want to dance, you could be like, “Hey, girls, wanna go back to the dorms and get drunk?” And then you go and get drunk and you all start making out. You guys suck.

Colin:

This is honestly the biggest waste ever. Just cause they’re both not-so-secretly in love with two other girls doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy the evening with their dates. I’m all for going back up to Eiffel Gryffindor Tower.

I think they live on the second floor of Gryffindor Tower. Which is good. Channelers are on the third floor.

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SEE?!

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And now you just lost her to Ustinov.

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He asks for her arm.

“Arm, leg – I’m yours.”

This dude’s gonna get some great sex tonight because of you, Harry. That’s not something to be proud of.

Also, why were they staying with them, anyway? Just because you go to a party with someone doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them the whole time.

Colin:

Can we take Harry and Ron to CB Court for cockblocking themselves?

It’s the wizarding world. There are no legitimate courts. Remember Crouch? “Ahh ahh you did it fuck you!” Fudge is gonna do the same thing in the next movie.

There is no justice in the wizarding world. He said, throwing back another bourbon and branch water.

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Oh, that’s cold. They’re going off to fuck right in front of the other two.

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What kind of flavor ice drink bar is that back there?

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Reaction shots.

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“Aren’t you supposed to look like that afterwards?”

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“What’s got your wand in a knot?”

I – I got nothing. That was perfect.

Ron says she’s fraternizing with the enemy. Hermione says the tournament was for international magical cooperation. You know. To make friends. Ron says Krum “has a bit more than friendship on his mind.”

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Anyone with a half a brain knows what that look means.

But, you know… Ron.

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Terrific shot.

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And now they’re leaving together anyway. That’s… a shame. She could have gotten dick, and she chose to have a fight with the guy she actually likes who’s a fucking moron.

Pfft… women.

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This is actuall a really nice image.

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“Next time there’s a ball, pluck up the courage and ask me before somebody else does!”

Game. Granger.

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“Where have you been?!”

Oh god. She just reminded me of Molly Weasley.

Oh…

Oh.

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“Never mind, off to bed, both of you.”

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And they listen, too.

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“They get scary when they get older.”

You stupid fuck.

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Why would you do that? You were about to get off pretty light and then you make that comment. Now she’s gonna fuck you up.

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Are they helping a drunk girl back there?

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They Shoot Hippogriffs, Don’t They?

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Colin:

Watch those hands, Hagrid. Not til you get her back to the hut.

The amount of times my inner monologue has said “not til you get her back to the hut”…

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It’s 2 am. Only the real players are still awake.

And Sirius’s owl comes back.

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And Harry is jerking off.

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What kind of jerk off fantasy is this?

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“You all right, Harry?”

Colin:

Why’s Neville so happy? Oh, Ginny just sucked him off.

He even says – “I just got in. Me!”

I mean, honestly, good for him. Everyone deserves a good night.

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This is a nice shot.

Two days from task two. Harry hasn’t figured out the egg clue yet.

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Harry guesses Viktor’s figured out the egg. Hermione says they haven’t talked about that. They haven’t really talked about anything. “Viktor’s more of a physical being.”

Colin:

Yes, Hermione. I bet he is. “You vill suck harder! Your suckink displeases me! I vill do eet myself!”

You think Hermione talks in her shleep?

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I like how they’re laughing because it sounds like they fucked. She just means he’s not particularly loquacious.

Colin:

But she is. “I was like, good gracious, ass is loquacious!” I’m not remembering those lyrics wrong, am I?

We don’t do fact checking up in herre.

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“Uh huh. Sure you did.”

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THIS IS NOT A MOMENT THAT SHOULD BE HAPPENING BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM.

Honestly, though, at this point, I am rooting for the two of them to end up together. Fuck the books. This is the relationship that matters in the movies.

Colin:

But then Harry would get all the attention, all the praise, win at everything AND get the girl. Ron gets nothing and he’s out a rat. How much does that suck? That in Rowling’s eyes, Hermione is basically Ron’s consolation prize for being a cut-rate everything.

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She’s scared for him.

(This is some Lady Macbeth framing.)

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Nice shot.

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Cedric comes and thanks Harry for telling him about the dragons. Harry says don’t worry about it, he’s sure Cedric would have done the same for him.

“Exactly.”

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“You know the prefect’s bathroom on the fifth floor? It’s not a bad place for a bath.”

Wait, what?

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He says to bring his egg with him, and “mull things over in the hot water.”

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“Did he just come onto me?”

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Why is every liquid yellow at this school?

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Why is the bathwater primary colors?

Is this like when you go through a car wash and the wax colors hit.

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Colin:

THAT is a bathroom. I bet there’s towels in there that fold THEMSELVES into swans.

Is he even allowed in there?

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Colin:

Ew. What’s with stained glass mermaid bitch’s six pack?

A sentence that I’m positive has never been uttered before.

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Did you really need a mirror there?

Totally gives a new meaning to your dead relatives watching you masturbate.

“I’d try putting it IN the water.”

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Myrtle!

You’re four floors away from your bathroom, Myrtle.

Also, do you just move through the pipes, or was this just coincidental?

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“Hello, Harry. LONG time – ”

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“– no see.”

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You saucy ghost.

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Colin:

Myrtle, you crazy ghost bitch! You know what’s wrong with this scene? Everything. Am I enjoying it? Yup.

It really is funny because she’s like 40.

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This school has so many bathrooms that most people aren’t able to use.

Remember when one of them was a eugenics dungeon?

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“Ever get blown by a ghost?”

No.

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“Want to?”

Kinda.

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I’m really curious how they handled the effects in this scene.

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Colin:

Oh snap, is Enya a mermaid?

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She’s looking right at his dick.

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“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

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I like that he tries to put bubbles over his dick like she’s not a ghost and can’t just do what she wants anyway.

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What if he got hard right now?

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Was she actually there for this scene? Had to be, right?

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Colin:

She’s the only truly honest character in this franchise so far. She wants some dick and she won’t beat around the bush. Probably a virgin, but that’s okay cause the Slytherin ghost is into that sort of thing. Why do you think they call him the Bloody Baron?

It’s double weird because not only is she 40, the actress, but the character is 12.

Also, Harry Potter TV series idea: Ghost fucking.

Just — imagine that cut. How hilarious would that be? That HBO cut. You know what I’m talking about.

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Harry researches for the challenge.

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Hermione tries to help him Summer Sanders.

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Moody comes to get Ron and Hermione because McGonagall needs to see them.

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“Longbottom? Why don’t you help Potter put his books back?”

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I like how he’s just there at the ready for this plot point. I mean moment.

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Neville starts talking about plants, Harry says he doesn’t give a fuck about plants, unless there’s one that will allow him to breathe underwater for an hour.

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“Oh, you mean gillyweed?”

Wow, that was coincidentally simple.

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They’re taking bets outside Dumbledore’s grave.

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“Don’t be so mean.”

All right. “Well fuck y’all, then.” She just walks through them and tells them to go fuck themselves. No idea why this moment exists, but I’m fascinated by it.

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Colin:

I know I’m long past the point where people have finished judging me, so I’ll just say it. That looks like Victreebel jizz.

He could have said “Tangela pubes,” but he went with Victreebel jizz. I approve. The word Victreebel is funnier.

Also, I think Victreebel is Katie’s sister.

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Yup, dealing that gillyweed. Harry got a dime bag.

Why are we treating this like it’s illegal?

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Who do these boats look like they’re gonna take Fredo out to fish?

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But Ron and Hermione ain’t there. Oh no, how can he possibly continue now?

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And here we are, at something that’s clearly safe.

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“Last night, something was stolen from each of our champions. These four treasures – one for each champion – now lie on the bottom of the Black Lake.”

Did they build these things specifically for this challenge? Are they gonna be left standing there after this like Olympic stadiums?

Also, Dark Forest, Black Lake — you guys have some ominous sounding grounds around your school.

Also, how come all the things that were stolen were people? Why couldn’t it be like, anal beads or something?

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Okay then, Fleur.

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I love how not subtle it is at all.

“Put that in your mouth.”

He said your motherfuckin’ mouth.

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But seriously … hello, Fleur.

Colin:

Fleur. Oh god damn. But Hermione, you should really stay away from Viktor. He’s got wife-beating tendencies.

And really short shorts.

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He just pushes Harry in. Love that.

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It’s crazy that he had all this time study, and even if he did for like, multiple hours, he somehow still couldn’t come up with this or any solution and needed the help.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1190

Colin:

Wassup, International House of Pancake Feet? You look like an underwater douche, I hope you know that. I would also be wary about all the bodily transformations. Harry is skeptical about shit like a tent that’s more spacious inside than it looks, but is totally cool with all kinds of weird potions and spells and plants that fundamentally alter his body in weird ways. This is the kind of guy where you give him a pill, he takes it, and then asks, “So….what’d I just take?”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1191

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1192

I don’t necessarily have a problem with this so much as I do with what’s about to happen next.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1193

Why was that necessary? That was purely for the audience and nothing else.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1194

This is a quintessentially Neville shot.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1195

Colin:

How is it that there’s a plant that lets you breathe underwater and EVERYONE doesn’t know about that shit? Wouldn’t you be required to carry some on boats in case you fell overboard? Wouldn’t people eat that shit all the time and go swimming? This seems like a total Deus ex Machina. You need to make your left earlobe 2.4 centimeters longer? Oh, that’ll be gimpyweed, there’s a bunch of it growing under the charms classroom window. Too much shit in this franchise pops up randomly at JUST the right moment.

It’s the fact that they don’t know about any of it that gets me.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1196

Colin:

So, this is a HUGE lake. Are we to assume that the stuff we’re looking for is somewhere well-lit and obvious? Cause this body of water is probably the size of a fucking airport and full of crevasses and caves and shit.

I think we all know what’s really down there.

(Also, in case he’s reading, maybe don’t doubt the person when he says he’s got that shit beat no problem. Some people are just naturally bosses. Screenwalker, baby.)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1197

Colin:

Oh, follow Enya, I guess.

Sail away, sail away, sail away.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1198

Yeah, sure… go through those. That’ll end well.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1199

Sup, Fleur?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1200

Kakarot.

And the dude that fucked Pavarti.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1201

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1202

And here we are at King Triton’s place.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1203

Well that was pretty easy.

When he tells you to dump someone in the mahsh, he means IN THE MAHSH.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1204

Colin:

Three of the four people here are people that Harry would really want to save. Sorry, little French chick. But I guess he has to use his deductive reasoning powers to figure out that ain’t nobody else give a shit about Ron. So that makes sense. But that’s rather nice…especially considering they were just fighting with one another shortly before this.

Gotta wonder how this was all chosen — if the Goblet told the teachers who they cared most about. Harry could have potentially tied with both Cedric AND Krum on their choices. Who knows? Maybe Ron was the runner-up or something. Or, maybe the professors just guessed based on what they’d seen. What if Harry and Ron were still fighting and the teachers didn’t know? Harry’d have been all, “I know this motherfucker ain’t MY treasure.”

The other funny thing is how simple this challenge actually is. Since nothing actually impedes them from doing anything. They just have to search the lake, find the people, use something to make sure they don’t die (breathing-wise), and bring them back up. Nothing actually attacks most of the other contestants. Harry only gets attacked later when he goes for two people instead of one. This is kind of a weak task if you ask me.

Not to mention — how the FUCK did they set this up? Did they work with the wild sea creatures to make sure these people would be safe? Because one of them is about to be like, “Nah, son, you can only save one person.” How do they know which person is for which contestant? Aren’t there legit wild creatures in this lake? Can’t sharks and shit just come by and fuck these people up before anyone gets here? Do these creatures chill in this lake and have no contact with the school? Do they occasionally attack people stupid enough to end up in there? Seriously, this makes no sense that they were able to be like, “Okay, so we have this tournament…” and had those creatures understand it.

I wonder what they’d have taken from me. A bottle of Johnnie Walker?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1205

Why is she wearing lipstick?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1206

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1207

Great photobomb.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1208

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1209

“Tick tock, motherfucker. And yes, my hair looks this good underwater, too.”

Colin:

Is that a DIGITAL WATCH? WHAT? 

And then – this is great – he goes to help Hermione –

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1210

Nope.

Colin:

Fail away, fail away, fail away.

A+

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1211

“Only one.”

And then all those piranha with the Beyoncé hair disperse because…

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1212

Jaws.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1213

Colin:

THAT…was a motherfucking shark. Harry almost got Samuel L. Jackson’ed by Krum.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1214

So what do you think that actually is? It’s not transfiguration, since it’s just his head. Which leads me to believe it’s a weed or something you take that does it. (Nope. Looked it up. He just sucks at transfiguration. He only managed to get the head.)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1215

Time to get Ron.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1216

Cosette?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1217

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1218

The definition of a Gryffindor. For better and for worse. Since you know these people are in no danger whatsoever. You know when Ron and Hermione went to McGonagall’s office, she explained the situation and they said okay. Unless they black-bagged them. They go to the office, a stun gun, throw a bag over their head, knock them out and take them to Saudi A-lake-ia. I highly doubt they did that shit. Especially to a child like that. So they’re clearly okay. Once the hour is up, they’ll bring them back to the surface. But no, Harry’s gotta be like, “I MUST do this. It’s only me who can save her!”

Gillyweed is a gateway plant.

Colin:

Just spent a solid five minutes imagining Saudi A-lake-ia. 

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1219

Colin:

Doo doo cloud.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1220

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1221

I’d be doing that too.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1222

So this is all cool and all, but what happens if Fleur gets down there and is like, “What the fuck am I supposed to be finding down here?”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1223

“Ascencio!”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1224

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1225

Colin:

What was that spell? The ‘shoot me up in the air 50 feet’ spell?

When did he learn that?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1226

Colin:

Ooh, la la.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1227

Fucking California.

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1228

Fucking California!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1229

Colin:

LOUD DUMBLEDORE IS LOUD!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1230

They give Harry second place because of his determination to save everyone. Or, “for outstanding moral fiber.”

I gotta get more of that in my diet.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1231

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1232

Watching Draco beat up little kids is just funny to me.

Colin:

Watching anyone beat up little kids is just funny to me.

I almost wrote this exact same sentence and then went, “Meh… it’ll end up there.”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1233

“All that moral fiber, eh? It’s great, isn’t it?”

So Harry got second place. Do the places matter at all? Nobody’s ever explained how any of this works. Seems like as long as you survive, all you gotta do is get the trophy first and you win.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1234

Crouch has a conversation with Harry. It seems creepy, but it’s actually pretty sweet once you know the whole story.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1235

And there’s Moody.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1236

Oh, but that tongue thing.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1237

Crouch knows that.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1238

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1239

Doesn’t it look like he just got shivved?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1240

And now he knows he knows.

Colin:

You’re right about “Moody”. Cause his voice doesn’t change for later films, so I’m just assuming this guy is a master impressionist.

Also, the stuff in Moody’s flask doesn’t sound like it’s the consistency of what we find out it is. We’ve heard the type of sound that makes, and it doesn’t slosh. 

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1241

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1242

Does Hagrid just like taking them for walks in the Dark Forest?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1243

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1244

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1245

Well, he’s dead. And he had such an important job, too! Doing…. you know… that stuff.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1246

Colin:

Hey, dead guy.

Not once is it explained why they’re there. This was literally just a scene designed to find a body. Who was just killed immediately after a suspicious scene without anything in between. Weird choice.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1247

Dumbledore wants Fudge to cancel the tournament. Fudge refuses, not wanting to look like a coward. Why Moody is there, I have no idea.

Oh… right. He’s technically worked for both of them. Never mind.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1248

“You’ll be interested to know that this conversation is no longer private.”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1249

“Oh, Harry!”

Why is it that not-Mad Eye gets all the cool moments and real Mad Eye gets shit?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1250

And they all leave for a minute. The perfect amount of time for Harry to find something that will be important later.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1251

I can tell right now, this is the time in the book where Rowling would go off for two pages – “And Harry remembered his first time meeting Fawkes, when he thought he killed him, and it turned out Fawkes was actually burning himself so he could rise from his ashes. And the Sorting Hat…”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1252

Dude, Dumbledore told you to have one or two.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1253

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1254

Colin:

That’s what you get for being piggy and taking a handful. Polite children are taught to take one candy at a time, in case they turn into biting monsters on human contact.

This is like Alien.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1255

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1256

Colin:

Nice toilet!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1257

Yes, stick your face in the glowing blue bidet. Great idea.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1258

Colin:

In a world of magical potions that do all manner of things and could be potentially harmful, it’s always a good idea to stick the flimsy piece of wood that your life depends upon into an unidentified basin of iridescent liquid. Idiot.

For all he knows that could be The Dip.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1259

He’s tripping off acid.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1260

But actually, though, he’s tripping his balls off right now.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1261

That’s how you Swayze.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1262

Here we are at the Nuremberg trials.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1263

Kakarot.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1264

Kakarot is giving up his Death Eater buddies in exchange for freedom. Which is pretty good. Within twenty years of freedom, he’s heading up a major magical school. Usually you can’t get a job like that with priors like he’s got.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1265

Kakarot gives a name, but the guy is dead.

“Took a piece of me with him, though, didn’t he?”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1266

He gives up a guy in the Ministry of Magic, and then gives up Snape.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1267

But Dumbledore’s like, “Snape’s all good.”

Crouch wants to dismiss the hearing.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1268

“Oh no, no,” Kakarot says. He’s got a name for you.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1269

“Oh fuck… he’s gonna do it.”

(Is that Tilda Swinton?)

(And John Marley?)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1270

Kakarot knows a guy who was involved with using the Cruciatus Curse on Auror Frank Longbottom and his wife.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1271

Is that Ray Winstone? I was gonna say “Is that Tilda Swinton?” again as a joke, but that actually looks like Ray Winstone.

Too bad Crouch’s gotta go to prison, because that’s a nice suit.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1272

Do people not age in this universe?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1273

“Barty Crouch!”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1274

“Jr.”

I like the little pause, just to add to the suspense.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1275

Mad Eye’s all over that shit.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1276

Look at all those fucking papers. You guys have MAGIC. How are you this poorly organized?

Kakarot could have pissed all over those papers if he wanted to.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1277

This is a pretty great scene. It sets up everything that’s happened (which we’ll find out about later). Though the whole him being nice to Neville thing is pretty strange. ‘Sorry I tortured your parents, here’s some gillyweed’.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1278

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1279Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1280

Colin:

So… awkward.

How do we all not know right now that Crouch is Moody? We should know by now that everything said is exposition for later. I’ve heard the words Polyjuice potion mentioned by Moaning Myrtle, saw Moody drinking from a flask all film, saw him do the tongue thing – we probably figured that shit out earlier, but now it’s painfully obvious. Which is gonna be funny in a second. The only reason the book was able to cloud it a bit was because they played it like, “Snape was a Death Eater, and he’s a shifty motherfucker, and Karkaroff was one too. I don’t know who’s doing what and don’t know who to trust.” Here, they’re steamrolling through everything so fast the law of exposition makes it painfully obvious what’s going to happen.

Oh, also, we just got reminded that Rita Skeeter just disappears from this movie after that tent scene. We see her in flashback, but then we never see her again. Remember in the book where she kept being awful and got her comeuppance by Hermione? Yeah, none of that. She just sort of disappears and it’s never explained.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1281

“Curiosity’s not a sin, Harry. But you should exercise caution.”

He’s using the same tone of when you realize someone is actually the bad guy. He must think Harry saw his gay porn memories and is prepared to kill him to keep the silence.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1282

Dumbledore explains all about the Pensieve. (Creepily, I might add. Look at him.)

Colin:

Question — I’ve always been unclear about the Pensieve. So, you’re removing memories and putting them in there? But if you’re removing them, how do you remember what they are? And similarly, once you’ve seen them, do you have to remove them again cause you just relived it?

It seems like the memories actually remain and you’re just revisiting them more clearly. But they keep implying that once you’ve seen a lot of shit, you’ll want to unburden yourself by putting memories in a Pensieve. How is that not a lobotomy? And if it isn’t, how does it unburden you, if you still have those memories? This feels like another device that Rowling threw at us and said, “It does some shit, just go with it.” It’s our means of being able to watch flashbacks.

I’m figuring it’s more like “take a picture, it’ll last longer.” You put them in there so you can always revisit them, and that way you can always see them in their clearest form. And the whole “unburden” part I think is just making them more expendable inside your head so you don’t have to work to remember them. They can go away and you can come back to look at them at any time.

Kind of like bookmarks. You know that news article you told yourself you’d read but not right now? And it’s been sitting in your bookmarks since 2010?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1283

He’s searched and searched for something – “some small detail.”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1284

But he’s got nothing. Which is the hilarious thing I was talking about. Motherfucker, you had that memory on tap. We figured it out.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1285

Harry asks what happened to Barty Crouch Jr. Dumbledore says he’s in Azkaban.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1286

Harry says he had a dream about him. (Nice lighting.)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1287

“Oh? What kind of dream?”

Colin:

“I had this dream, and Voldemort was there — but he wasn’t quite human, you know? Like, sorta human, but also kinda not. And we were in a house, but it opened into my elementary school cafeteria…”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1288

So Harry explains the dream, and Dumbledore tells him not to dwell upon them. He says to “cast them away,” as he puts a memory into the Pensieve. Which sounds like his way of saying, “Just block out all the bad shit, Harry. Just don’t think about it.” Which is kind of fucked up.

Also, what memory is he putting in there now? This conversation? This thing seems like those people who are so over-reliant on their phones that they sacrifice being in the moment in order to record it to never look at again later.

You know the only time that worked out? Zapruder.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1289

Nice hallway to casually stroll down.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1290

People shooting up in the stockroom. Aww yeah.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1291

I’d love it if he shot up heroin into his tattoo.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1292

So Harry walks in on that.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1293

And now we know they were both former Death Eaters.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1294

Snape congratulates Harry about the second challenge. Gillyweed – smart move.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1296

The thing about gillyweed, though, is that it’s really rare.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1297

“Like this. Know what it is?”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1298

“Bubble juice?”

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1299

“Veritaserum.”

Colin:

I don’t usually notice shit like this, but…this was an obvious mistake. Snape’s holding the Veritaserum bottle on the bottom half in the shot looking towards him, then when they do the reverse shot, he’s holding it at the top of the bottle. When they go back to the original shot, it’s at the bottom again. You wouldn’t normally catch errors like this, but you’re supposed to be staring at the stuff. They should have been more careful about that.

Con-ti-nui-ty!

“Three drops of this and You-Know-Who would spill his darkest secrets.”

Whenever I write “To Whom It May Concern” on letters and emails, I always pretend like I’m writing to Voldemort.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1300

“The use of it on a student is – regrettably – forbidden.”

He says that if Harry steals from his personal store again, he’ll use it. Harry says he hasn’t stolen anything.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 1301

“Don’t lie. To me.” Great delivery.

Colin:

Harry should be like, “Gimme that truth juice right now, and you’ll find out I’m innocent. You’ll also find out what I really think about you. Actually, we don’t even need the potion for that. Cunt.”

He also says that gillyweed may be innocuous, but “boomslang skin, lacewing flies –”

Colin:

Boomslang skin? That’s for my libido.

He says Harry and his friends are brewing Polyjuice potion and he’s gonna find out why.

Can’t they just get that shit at a local apothecary? Hogsmeade or something? Also — shit’s been missing for an entire year and you’re only getting suspicious now?

And that’s where we’ll end Part IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow, we go to Part V, where there will be blood.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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