Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Part I — “How About Morphing Into Something That Sucks My Dick More Often?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the first part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

“I’d like two large fries, three cheeseburgers, two diet sodas and a large shake.” – the order of the Phoenix.

Now that’s out of the way, we can begin.

Apparently this is how we’re starting all of these now.

We open on… sunlight? What franchise is this? Apparently David Yates didn’t get the memo.

Over where Willy Wonka ended, apparently.

♫ If you want to view paradise… simply take a left at Hogsmeade… ♫

Is this Signs?

Swing away, Neville.

Actually, it would be better, “Did I ever tell you what happened when you were born, Harry?”

Because, you know… people were murdered.

And I’m sure there’s someone in this universe who’s got a gas finger.

This looks like a composition out of a Wes Anderson movie.

Where’s the Futura title card?

And we’re back to Terrence Malick.

Imagine if Terrence Malick directed one of those. What a style exercise that would be.

But actually.

Well this place looks fucking miserable.

Where are all these people in like, a minute?

Get it? His parents are dead.

Also, it’s funny. This is like Angels and Demons, where you know they got the memo about their star’s stupid hair in the last movie, so they very obviously changed it but they’re trying not to make it seem like a big deal. He looks like he’s in the army now. Or like a super butch gym teacher.

Maybe that cut is called “The Hooch.”

Wouldn’t that be a great nickname, though? Steven “The Hooch” Jenkins.

Bill “The Hooch” Huckleberry.

That’s a good one, too.

Huckleberry Weasley.

Hooch McGonagall.

BRB, gotta spec this into a cop show.

Still creepy. Even in daylight.

Colin:

They should all be done away with.

Fahrenheit 451, but for that stuff.

Butch gym teacher though. Seriously.

Oh my god.

Is he gonna get served?

Harry calls him “Big D” too.

Colin:

Remember Dudley from two years before, during the dinner with Aunt Marge? How did he go from suit and tie to white trash so fast?

Is it white trash or is it just how 15 year-old boys dressed in the mid-2000s?

His crew looks like a bunch of douchebags too, though. He’s got Jeff Daniels from Dumb and Dumber back there, a guy who looks like Tom Brady had sex with an American Apparel catalogue on the left, a Jersey Shore cast member over his left shoulder, and a Solo Jazz Cup on the right.

Harry asks if Dudley beat up another ten year old. Dudley says “This one deserved it.”

I think he’s turned a corner.

Dudley makes fun of Harry “moaning” in his sleep every night.

I mean… he’s 15. It’s basically an extension of his arm.

Harry’s been jerking off to Cedric, apparently. (Yeah, join all the other tweens out there.)

Also, what is this look? Your mad face?

What was this, a test site? What’s with that fucking fence? Is this August 30, 1997?

Also, can’t Voldemort just come and murder him right now? He’s not protected out here.

Big D’s making fun of Harry’s parents.

Owen Wilson thinks that shit is cold.

This won’t end well.

Wouldn’t it be great if this was all a single shot and he just ran over and punched him in the face?

All the other guys laugh. Dudley knows what that means.

He’ll stick that shit up his ass and yell “Bombardo.”

Seriously. Why even have a fence?

Hell of a Gary Busey face back there.

Filters are fun.

Weird how everyone else at this playground is just gone all of a sudden.

This more like it. The other stuff was looking a bit overexposed.

Isn’t it weird they’re all hanging out in a playground, though? Especially this random ass one that was just kind of put here in the middle of Chernobyl.

Gerald Field had better organization than this.

I like the tilting here.

Why is everyone running away? What could they possibly think is about to happen?

Colin:

It got dark the second Harry got mad…that’s QUITE the coincidence if he’s claiming to have nothing to do with it.

Like the dinner with Aunt Marge. We already know what happens when Harry gets angry.

“It’s already here!”

Requisite scar shot.

They really littered this place up. That counts as production design.

The Potter Ultimatum.

This franchise doesn’t do handheld all that often. It’s jarring, but I can’t say I dislike it.

Where was that fucking playground? Who puts a playground in the middle of nowhere? Remember in Azkaban when he went to the creepy child playground before Sirius showed up as a dog and we got a (Knight) bus scare? That was like, right outside Privet Drive. Why was this in a random ass field?

Colin:

For such a porker, Dudley sure runs fast. Is Harry slow, or is Dudley a little more athletic than we thought? I’d love to see Vernon try and move at even a brisk walk.

Also, what’s with this huge field? This feels like Looper.

I’d pay to watch a Looper set in this universe using a time turner.

Furthermore, I’d pay to watch Hermione as a Looper using a time turner.

Everything about this is so bizarre. Just run home. Who travels that far for a playground?

Good things always happen in these places.

Right though?

Colin:

This is where you go to make drug deals for Little Jacob. Or in this franchise, the creepy, shrunken rasta head from the Knight Bus. (By the way, fuck that thing.)

He means fuck the Knight Bus, not the shrunken rasta head. He’s cool.

Lights never seem to be working.

Also, just gonna say it — that’s a very phallic stream of water on the ground there.

Uh oh… you know what that means…

– – – – –

Actually, though…

Dementor outta nowhere!

It’s fucking Alien up in this bitch.

But actually, that looks like a cross between Voldemort and a xenomorph.

“Motherfucker you owe me money!”

These movies never explain what happened to his tail, do they?

Theoretically he could still have it.

Whoa, slippery floor!

And here comes dumbass Ashy Larry. Where the fuck was this dude the whole time? On lookout? Did you just wait for shit to go well before you showed up or were you hanging back just in case they made it past the first one?

Dementors should learn how to snap necks. It’s so much more convenient.

Wow. Even the Dementors lost the robes.

Colin:

These Dementors have clearly changed since Azkaban. They don’t have hoods, but their whole bodies seem to be covered in tight fabric. It’s not skin. What is that? Gaffer’s tape?

Or maybe it’s something else…

Aww, just like Lady and the Tramp.

Colin:

Dudley’s Dementor is really putting his back into it, the way you might have to with a double thick milkshake through a thin straw.

That sounds like a Nickelodeon show. Dudley’s Dementor.

EYE SHANK!

I bet that other Dementor is super pissed right now. Like in Two Towers where Wormtongue is like, “You were supposed to take his staff!”

“GETOFFOFMY SCROTUM!”

I like this shot. It almost looks upside down.

Also, just throwing it out there, isn’t it weird that we got a whole ten minute lesson on Boggarts and then never saw one again? We never actually find out where those things live in nature and why they’d ever be a threat to people.

Oh, we can kinda see the stag there.

“Nah, but fuck him, though.”

What?

Really? That’s how it works? Really?

Colin:

They still haven’t made Harry’s Patronus look like a stag running around slamming Dementors. Later, we see other students conjuring Patronus charms for the first time, and animals just pop the fuck out. What’s with this? Lupin’s never looked like anything, and Harry’s looked like a stag once, but it repelled Dementors by then emanating light. Now it moves around, but it doesn’t look like anything. I’m so confused.

I have more pressing concerns about this scene than that, but we can get to those in a minute.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Colin:

Gory hole?

Harry Potter TV series idea: Ministry of Magic member, airport bathroom.

Harry Potter TV series idea: “Bitch set me up.”

Okay. Now I need to air my grievances.

So those Dementors were sent to attack Harry. But don’t they know who they’re supposed to get? Why is one of them trying to kill Dudley? Also, do Dementors just do what they’re told like that? There’s no rogue Dementor like that one goomba in Super Mario Bros. with the harmonica? You just sent Dementors out in public. How are they not just killing indiscriminately along the way?

The only thing that makes sense here is that the Dementors did the obvious move of “no witnesses,” so their plan was to murder Dudley too. Which I understand completely. But I have yet to see any evidence that Dementors ever act of their own volition. They’re not exactly velociraptors, you know?

That’s me most nights.

Hide that body, son. People die in tunnels like that all the time.

Just sprinkle some crack on him and get out of there.

Little old ladies be walking through gangland.

Old Ma comin’.

Mrs. Figg tells Harry not to put his wand away. (She likes to watch.)

This is that Sting moment of, “Oh, you didn’t know you had people looking out for you, did you?”

Colin:

Oh, and the Dementor was a woman, and he slept with it!

Privet Drive.

Colin:

This is Dudley’s Oscar scene.

Figg says Dumbledore told her to watch out for Harry after Cedric got Duggory. She tells him not to leave the house. Shit’s dangerous.

Dudley looks like he’s gonna give birth to a Veruca Salt one day.

Love the coloring here. Red, green, with shades of yellow in between.

Also, someone’s fucking sprinkler is on at night after a storm.

What the fuck was SHE doing?

Colin:

What the shit is Petunia wearing?

She’s sitting there like a mad person, laughing at the weather.

It looks like she’s wearing a cooking apron with pant legs.

“By the light – of the silvery moon!”

Also, no joke, this is what Colin wrote in his notes:

Colin:

“By the light (BY THE LIGHT, BY THE LIGHT!) of the silvery moon…..”

The moment I saw that in the notes was funnier to me than anything in the rest of these articles will be to anyone else.

What up, Unc V?

Colin:

“I want to spoon (He wants to spoon, he wants to spoon!) — to my honey I’ll croon!”

How many times do you think Richard Griffiths messed up the take so they’d have to take it from the top? “Ah, there’s my celly blowin’ up again! Guess I’ll just have to take another spoonful and do another! Do-over, everyone!”

There’s also a straight up quarter-eaten cake in the freezer. Just like, open.

Guess things don’t last long enough to spoil in this house.

“Who did this to you, boy?”

Not to be mean or anything, but how do those legs hold up the rest of him?

Also, that’s an interesting leg position you got there, Petunia.

Colin:

LOOK AT HIM THOUGH. How do those legs hold up that person? He’s quite the old frasscal.

Colin:

Is it me, or are those lilies? Was it intentional? I don’t see any petunias.

I really want to know how Vernon and Petunia met. Because remember — they fuck. Probably on the regular.

If those are lilies, I can’t see the resemblance in the eyes.

Though, the strangest thing about this entire scene is the appearance of fruit in this household.

“Happy, now, are we? You’ve finally done it. You’ve finally driven him loopy.”

He’s wearing sandals with socks. Indoors.

How do you undo something like that? Oh, right… chocolate.

He’ll be fine in an hour.

Unc V’s had enough of it.

Oh hey, it’s Errol.

Colin:

Oh shit! Those little fans with the folding blades! Remember those and how completely ineffective they were and how you never cared and still wanted to play with them?

You pretty much just described me as a person.

Also, shouldn’t Vernon be getting PTSD flashbacks from this?

So like… I know it’s magic and everything, but did they know this family was aware of all of this stuff before they sent this notice in? Because if not, you really just freaked them the fuck out. And there’s really not anyone around to flashy thingy them.

Papercuts.

Seriously, what happened to “not risking the exposure of our world”? Anyone snooping through the window can see this. This isn’t a howler. This could be a regular letter. You’re completely ruining the point by doing this. What if he was in a train station and did it?

Anyway, he performed the Patronus charm in front of a muggle.

Do they still count as a muggle even if they know you can do magic? They should really hone in on the definition of muggle. Since muggle, to me, are the people who are completely unaware of magic. If your sister is a witch, and you’re not — you’re not a muggle. You’re just non-magic. This is completely making up your own interpretation of the rules.

And yes, I’m aware this was all a setup. The point still stands.

Petunia seems like the kind of mother who would jerk off her son to show him how it works.

It’s not weird, it’s education.

I would like to point out how clever it is to have the wax seal be lipstick, even if it’s not remotely where a wax seal would go on an envelope.

He’s expelled. Which is kind of a knee-jerk reaction. That’s like them taking away your car for a parking ticket.

Alec Baldwin:

Patriot Act! PATRIOT ACT! I love it, I love it, I love it!

Y’all go’n make him lose his wand. Up in here, up in here.

“Justice.”

Colin:

Vernon looks fucking THRILLED that Harry’s been expelled. Wouldn’t that mean he’d be around more, though?

Yeah, but now he’s not magic anymore. Which means back in the fucking cupboard he goes.

Seven minutes of heaven? Try seven more years in there.

Colin:

And so they all stumble outside, Petunia walking like a giraffe that’s just been sodomized.

Is there any other kind?

Off the top of my head — is she the only magical person we meet who actively lives among muggles? What a weird situation, though. Dumbledore and the Order just planted her here at some point, which means they wanted for a house to go up for sale and made sure she moved in (I really wanna know how that process went). And she’s just living here, a magical person, among regular people.

How many magical people live like this? All we ever see are people like the Weasleys (poor, live on a farm), or the Malfoys (rich, live in a manor). Both away from other people. Everyone else only seems to exist at the school or the Ministry. We don’t see those moments of the magical people who live in an apartment with regular people. There’s loads of material for the stuff that goes on in all of their daily lives.

There’s a face.

Colin:

Vernon’s “Not very well!” is perfect.

I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS!

Lighting is fun, though.

Also, what the fuck was he eating for dinner?

Colin:

Question. Now that he’s been expelled, what’s keeping him from doing any OTHER magic? I think there’s about twelve spells he could use to get out of the room, a few he could try for moving all his shit, and he could always try the Knight Bus again. Always nice to see Stan Shunpike and the rasta head (but fuck the Knight Bus). Guess we’d rather just lay down and dream about Cedric. Maybe Dudley was right. Maybe he WAS your boyfriend.

That’s true. If you are expelled, what’s to stop you from going around and just doing magic? Hagrid got expelled, and that motherfucker gave someone a tail four years ago.

But let’s just go with ‘Mrs. Figg told him not to leave the house’.

Also, just to go back to the dinner of it all — he was at the playground when it was light out, and they got back after dark. So presumably he got home, got expelled and then made himself some dinner and took it up to his room. Right? Though I guess, him being 15, there’s a chance that plate’s been there a while.

Well this seems like a spare shot. (Look, I’m not gonna stop doing it, so just deal with it.)

Oh, but we get to see him die again. I’ll allow it.

They’re all in on the warm/cool thing, huh?

Also, if I said this shot was actually a closeup of Lori Petty from Point Break, you’d actually have to take a second to think about it.

So he’s locked in from the inside?

People take way too long to react in movies. By now I’d have gotten up and hurried over behind the door, ready to attack whatever the fuck came through it.

Colin:

This is completely wrong. You see the key start to turn slowly, and you just stand there? Let’s think about your options: You could hide in the closet. You could prop yourself over the door and try to take out whoever comes in. You could ready your wand in a less obvious position, so as to get the drop on the attacker. I believe you even have a window from which to tally ho. But you chose to just stand there and just hope that whoever has decided to sneak into your room instead of knocking is benevolent enough to not murder you outright. Good choice.

Potential subtitles: “A Window From Which to Tally Ho” and “Benevolent Enough to Not Murder You Outright.”

What happened to Alohomora?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 117

I also love that the Dursleys are not at home for this. I wonder if they want back to that off-the-books doctor who took care of Dudley’s tail.

It’s also funny to me that Harry, having been the recipient of chocolate to fix the aftereffects of a Dementor attack, didn’t just tell them to give him some.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life…”

You’re not blasting nearly quickly enough. Kill first, ask questions later.

They’re here for the gangbang.

Sup, Tonks?

I like yo raincoat.

They actually look like they’re here for the gangbang, though.

Also, sure you brought enough guys?

It’s a jailbreak.

Harry’s like “What the fuck are you doing? I’ve been expelled.” And Moody’s like, “Please. We’ve got three more movies after this.”

But actually, though, what’s the point of this? You’re taking him from a place he’s actually safe to a place where he’s nominally safe.

And there’s Kingsley Shacklebolt. One of the top five badasses of the franchise.

Colin:

WAY better than Ned Shacklebolt.

Right?

Harry’s like, “Who is this giant black man?”

You can also tell he’s trying really hard not to give in to the ‘look of wonder’ face.

What the fuck is that hat, man on the end? Was he the Seeker for the Irish?

Why don’t we ever see these Order people again?

It looks like Bilbo fucking Baggins snuck into the wrong soundstage.

“Hey, Harry, if you want, I’ll suck your dick to take the edge off.”

“Not here, Nymphadora!”

“Don’t call me Nymphadora!”

She seems fun.

His only response to her is tapping his staff to the ground twice.

(That’s how you get sent to Saudi A-Lake-ia.)

That’s great. I want brooms that just show up like that. Apparently two taps means “Accio.” Or… they ain’t getting back up.

Harry Potter TV series idea: wand double taps.

Colin:

Remember in Philosopher’s Stone when you had to stand over your broom and say ‘up?’ And how even then, it was like a shitty beta version of car phone voice command from 1999? “Did you mean ‘stay’?” These brooms needed two taps on the ground and they all showed up. And apparently, Moody’s is a trombone broom. Dunno what’s going on there.

Still weird that they use brooms. Why exactly do we need all the bristles still? Seems like they’re only there to make it look less weird. Not a whole lotta sweeping going on.

Though there’s a scene: Filch at the broom check closet, being tossed a broom by some asshole, and he uses it to start sweeping the floor. Or, he’s sweeping with a broom and someone calls it and it just flies out of his hand and he looks all dejected.

Also, who was in care of Harry’s broom all summer? Does he leave it at the school? How does that work?

I’d also like to point out how, considering brooms are modes of transport (which admittedly don’t even really need to be used, given apparation and the floo network), Harry has basically been gifted two luxury cars without ever once paying for one himself all before graduating high school.

Tonks has some daddy issues. Though apparently from the books it’s mommy issues.

Still, with a name like Nymphadora, she definitely was the fun one in college.

Not even to say she fucked around (or that it’s a bad thing if she did) — she just seems like the one you wanna party with. (She marries a werewolf. I’m not speaking out of turn here.)

Huh, weird, how come we don’t see that desolate fucking field with the playground?

Almost as if it only existed for aesthetic purposes and nothing else.

Potter Pan?

One of them should get eaten by a giant fish right now.

He just got expelled for risking exposure of their world. What are the rest of them doing right now?

Look at Harry. He’s like, “Hey, hey Tonks. Doesn’t this look like my dick?”

Oh, Harry… still up to your old tricks.

Oh, but she’s down.

Ah, Rome.

Colin:

You know Bond’s in there right now talking about overdoses of Bon Bois.

I feel like if this were made this past decade, there’d be at least one insert shot of them passing a homeless dude taking a piss who does the comedic double take because he’s drunk and isn’t quite sure he saw what he saw.

This is a hit, isn’t it?

They really need to make these shots look less like CGI.

Why bother bringing two randos with you when we’ll never see them again?

I mean, realistically he was always gonna go from the Dursleys’ into an apartment building.

Seriously, though, with the looks of wonderment.

Colin:

Ah, I think I get the code now. Two taps on the ground means ‘summon six brooms.’ Three taps on the ground means ‘reveal hidden buildings.’

We’re gonna find out later what one tap means.

I always liked this. No earthly idea how this works at all, but I enjoy that it’s a thing.

I love the random cuts to muggles who have no idea what’s going on.

And they don’t even bother telling us what the name of this place is.

It’s Number 12, Grimmauld Place. In case you forgot. Not that they were gonna tell you.

It looks like my apartment building.

Damn shame what they did to that dog. (Oh… that’s gonna become sad later.)

Colin:

So this place is…nice. Can’t they magic the place up a bit? I bet they could go to town on this apartment with just Billy Mays products. I’d recommend starting with Kaboom, OxiClean, Orange Glo and the Turbo Tiger. That’s actually the most magical part of watching these movies for me. They take place during a time when Billy Mays was still alive.

Have we said this one yet? I feel like we should have, but if not: Harry Potter TV series idea: Wizard Billy Mays

But I think the idea for it looking this shitty is that if someone somehow magic’d it open and came here, it would look abandoned and maybe make them less likely to search it. Or something like that. It doesn’t really make sense, but I feel like there is some logic behind it.

Anyway, that magical Sham Wow though.

I like this moment – Harry walks down the corridor slowly, like, “What kind of shit is about to be up in here?”

Then Moody just busts past him, like, “Motherfucker, this ain’t movie #2. Now move, I’ve got a massive deuce brewing.”

Hell yeah.

She reminds me of the actress from Blank Check, who everyone my age had a crush on when we were 7 but from her perspective it would’ve been wildly inappropriate.

So I can’t tell if she wants to fuck him because she’s just like that, or if it’s because she wants to notch the Boy Who Lived on her broomstick, or if she just likes the idea of using her sexuality to intimidate underage boys.

She’s only supposed to be like 22 here, so I guess it’s not that weird. I guess the point of all of that was to show that she’s playful? She doesn’t ever get any real character development, though, which is a shame. Hence why I’m just making these wild accusations of impropriety and outright horniness. Plus the first name. It’s like if there was a character named Cocksucker Wilson. You’d wonder.

“Woman, control yourself.”

I love how all the adults in these movies are always talking about something serious. Never once like, “You see the game?” “What the fuck? Lynch was all over the place!” Just once I want to see them walk in like, “I couldn’t get him to leave afterward. It’s like, what the hell, we got done fifteen minutes ago!”

Why do you even have Kreacher when the place looks like this?

If ever you wondered if people are talking about you — if this happens when you enter a room… they were talking about you.

This also looks like a “… Don Corleone” situation.

Also, what’s with Riff Raff with his back turned to us over there?

Aww… that’s nice.

(I also like the subtle hint of a relationship between Lupin and Sirius, which has always sort of been there.)

“Hey guys, what’s going on?”

You can’t just let him share one nice moment with his fugitive uncle, can you, Molly?

Welcome back, Julie Walters. After they unceremoniously kicked you out of the last movie.

How fucked up is that? They brought everyone else back, and she’s just not there? Even in the context of the film — the entire family goes to the World Cup and mom just gets left behind.

Maybe she went on vacation to Diagonelly.

I love the whole surrogate mother thing she has going on. Because she always does feel like all of our mothers.

This is weird, though. That lingering, “I’m worried about him” glance. I guess that’s what happens when Magical Hitler has returned and is trying to murder him.

Is there also a more cliched way to end a scene than the “Oh, he’s so incorrigible…” look or the “I’m worried about him” look? It’s always the same two. And it goes back forever. That’s essentially what every ‘mother’ character does in movies going back to literally the beginning of them.

We got a drunken house elf mumbling to himself.

Hey, asshole, less mumbling, more sweeping the goddamn floor.

He’s the Samuel L. Jackson in Django of house elves.

Shifty little fucker.

HERMIONE OUTTA NOWHERE!!!

Five films now. The one mistake this franchise made was not putting these two together in the movies.

Colin:

If we can’t get the Asian chick, this is the next best thing. Better character-wise, though I’m loath to admit.

She wants to know everything. Ron is window dressing.

Colin:

Ten to one Harry just cockblocked. Hermione does like a good attack hug. You know she’s the kind that doesn’t plan sex — she just jumps you and you get to it. Dems my favorite.

She’s done some research. They can’t expel him.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Hermione Granger, wizarding attorney. (All elf cases are pro bono.)

I love how they just sort of let him do his Harry Potter shit and hang back.

You can also tell that by this point Rowling has made it clear that those two end up together, which is why they’ve now started dressing them similarly, to code them as being an item.

She tells him this is the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix.

Which is odd, since it looks like where one of the murders was committed in Se7en.

Nice room, though.

Oh, but the bed’s not made. Clothes strewn about everywhere.

Oh dear…

Harry’s upset. They didn’t write to him.

Dumbledore made them swear not to tell him anything.

Since when the fuck does that matter? Also, tell him what? That there’s some awesome place he could be hanging out at instead of the Dursleys’?

How come the Dursleys are still even agreeing to keep him in? Shouldn’t they be like, “Fuck that, he’s your problem now”? If they throw him out on his ass, he has to live here. It’s weird that they’re continuing to keep him in their house. Is it some sort of tax thing? Does Hogwarts not do summer housing?

“Dumbledore said that?”

That’s right. He doesn’t like you. You just don’t know it yet.

That’s how you get killed. Appearing like that.

Harry should Rafiki him right now.

But what up, Fred and George?

Colin:

Thank you, Fred and George. I hate it when Harry gets like this. “WHY WASN’T I INCLUDED?! ME ME ME! MEH!” Fred and George pop in and shut him the fuck up. Well done, gentlemen. You’re always welcome.

Harry Potter: The Trudy Beekman of the wizarding world.

Colin:

Always nice to see you get where I’m coming from. But how self-centered is this guy?

I tell you, this guy’s so self-centered they had to get Copernicus to prove the universe didn’t revolve around him!

Colin:

That’s a severed ear on a string.

This is gonna be ironic in two movies.

Colin:

It’s a left ear, too, which is exactly what George ends up losing. Wonder if that was intentional.

There has to be a better way to do this.

If only there were some sort of cloak…

Wouldn’t it be funny if they heard Tonks and Lupin banging instead?

Why does that ear have hair?

Colin:

How does this ear thing work? They can hear what’s going on in the meeting because it’s going in the left ear and coming out the right ear that they’re holding — in one ear and out the other, as it were — but does what they say come out the ear down below? Cause they’re talking. Is this a one-way deal?

Why not just use cups like normal people?

Also — if you’re using two Solo Cups connected by a string, does that make it drunk dialing?

“Hey, Ginny.”

They said, trying to make like this was the plan all along.

And then he immediately goes back to ignoring her. I already know what that marriage is like.

I also love that we can hear Snape continue to shit on Harry and Sirius. “How touchingly paternal, Black. Perhaps Potter will grow up to be a felon.”

Snape is awesome.

I love the dynamic of two people who hate each other’s guts but are without question fighting on the same side.

“What the fuck is this shit?”

I love that they have Ginny just look at Harry the entire time. Because at this point, they know what happens and they’re setting up for it.

Colin:

Admittedly, this way is better than the way it’s done in the books, but it still doesn’t quite make things right with Ginny. Guess there’s another movie or two before I can finally unburden myself with this issue I have with her and how much of a glaring imperfection she is in an otherwise [halfway] decent story arc.

That is true, though. Despite how sloppy it’s handled, she actually does have a solid story arc, when you think about it.

Oh, Pussy, no.

Colin:

Ah yes. Never play with severed ears if you have a cat. They LOVE severed ears. I’ve had issues with that.

I like to think that this is what actually led to Blue Velvet happening.

Harry Potter TV series idea…

Colin:

Any mention of Blue Velvet reminds me of the first time I saw it, and my coworker who knows nothing about movies called me gay cause he had mixed it up with Black Beauty. Cause that makes sense. People who don’t watch movies can be both hilarious and depressing.

To be fair, both movies do have one scene in common.

“Bad Crookshanks.”

I love that you can hear Ron go, “Hehehehehe.”

“We’ll be eating down in the kitchen.”

As opposed to where else? The toilet?

Yeah, try that shit with Moody, see how well it goes over.

But the important thing to note is that they’re allowed to use magic outside of school now.

Molly’s upset. Just because they can use it doesn’t mean they should whip their wands out for everything.

Colin:

That’s….what she said?

Aww… the Weasleys.

Radcliffe looks like he’s got some Joker scars going on over there.

“Harry Potter.”

Aww.

That’s creepy.

Good. Block the creepiness. I approve of this blocking.

Did Crookshanks just finish the ear? Or does he just despise weakness shown by human sentimentality?

What’s her backstory like? That must be interesting as hell.

Colin:

Since she can change any part of her body at will, I expect she could have a fantastic backstory. Could probably improve her frontstories, too.

I like how she has a beer and no food. The Irish supper.

Colin:

So, people’s faces aren’t supposed to do that. I don’t trust you. I bet Lupin gets tired of it, too. “How about morphing that face into something that sucks my dick more often?” You guys might hate me for beating up on her, but what did you expect? She was a Hufflepuff.

That’s a potential subtitle: “How About Morphing Into Something That Sucks My Dick More Often?”

I also like, “What Do You Expect? She’s a Hufflepuff.” They don’t have manners. Look at her. She thinks she’s people!

They’re all drinking beer.

Colin:

The kids have something opaque. Bet it’s Sunny D. And Kingsley settled for a 40oz. cause they were all out of that purple stuff.

I appreciate European culture whereby all kids are alcoholics by age 16.

Harry wants to know what the Ministry has against him. (About 3/1 odds.)

“Show him. He’ll find out soon enough.”

Walken fingers.

Nice headline. They’re the New York Post of the wizarding world.

Colin:

I see what they did there.

I guess that wasn’t written by Skeet Face, otherwise there wouldn’t be a question mark.

It’s also funny how much changes from peace time to war time. What was it, two years ago where the front page was the Weasleys in Europe?

All’s well that end’s well, right Fudge?

Colin:

Hint: If anyone ever has to say the words, “All is well”….it’s not.

Unless you’re at a bar. In which case… you better be paying less than $4 a drink, and you better prepare to get white girl wasted.

Also:

What the fuck is that bread thing?

And why is he drinking orange juice at dinner? Is that all they drink here? Orange juice and beer?

I thought dinner was happening. Why is she only prepping now? Why not just let the kids hear the adult stuff the whole time, then? Also, did Snape not stay for dinner?

Fudge is pulling a Scientology – going after anyone who says anything against him (which, in this case, is that Voldemort has returned).

When these articles first went up, I thought it was nuts the length Fudge went to lie to everyone because of his incompetence, cowardice and complete corruption and attack those who spoke out against him. But then I lived through four years of that in real life. So I guess I kinda understand it now.

Fudge thinks Dumbledore wants his job. Something he probably could have had for years if he wanted it.

“That’s insane. No one’s gonna believe that bullshit.”

You’ve never met the public, have you?

Real curious to find out the wizarding world’s stances on vaccines.

We already basically know some of their stances on immigrants and poor people.

There’s a nice moment here. Lupin says the last time Voldemort took power he “almost destroyed everything we hold most dear,” and we cut to this:

Very nice.

(They’re referring, of course, to that lamp. The lamp is what we hold dear.)

Sirius says Voldemort’s been recruiting again.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Voldemort as Uncle Sam.

Colin:

Pretty sure…pretty sure that’d make him Uncle Tom.

Just sayin’.

They think he’s after something else.

“Don’t say it, motherfucker.”

“Something he didn’t have last time.”

Well it’s not a nose.

“He’s just a boy!”

She says if they say anymore they might as well induct him into the Order right now.

Harry wants to join, though. If Voldie’s got an army up his sleevy then Harry wants to fight.

Great reaction.

Colin:

I love Gary Oldman. If Mike has taught me anything, it’s that Gary Oldman is awesome and that reaction shots are the key to comedy.

‘If’ being the operative word there.

One of my favorite moments in the franchise.

And Ron is snoring. This is what he’s reduced to.

Harry’s having those hassa hassa dreams again.

Also, this doesn’t seem like a night that Lupin should be in the presence of people, let alone in a small house.

Arthur don’t know about muggle shit.

Which is funny since… isn’t that his department?

“What is this sorcery?”

I know it’s for comedy, but your job is to handle muggle items. Continuity, people.

Colin:

“I’ve never used the visitors’ entrance before. Should be fun!” – Arthur Weasley, first time trying anal.

Why do they have to take the visitor’s entrance? Because Harry? Is there like a special workers’ entrance or something? None of this makes sense.

I want to use a phone booth again one day. One of the things I miss about the past.

This is great because this is either a backlot or they just put a phone booth in the middle of an actual street. Either way, it looks fantastic.

“Mi scusi.”

Nothing suspicious about this at all to any outside viewers. A man and a boy go into a phone booth.

I’m pretty sure the child in all of us loves the idea of this. Of course, here, instead of descending into a secret, super cool underground lair, it’s just going to a boring government office.

Context is a wonderful thing.

Welcome to the Ministry of Magic. Just in time, too. The climax of the film is gonna take place here. About time we actually saw the fucking place.

Apparently this is the one source of all legitimate wizarding world jobs.

It’s either this, candy seller or teacher, apparently.

This is that elaborate floo system I was talking about. No one’s showing up all dirty here.

Colin:

See, this is confusing. Why do they have these? Why do the grates close one row at a time instead of all at once? Can’t people apparate into the Ministry, or is it like Hogwarts? Doesn’t having an open floo network defeat the purpose of restrictions on apparating? If there’s a floo network, why did they have to use the guest’s entrance? Grimmauld Place has several fireplaces.

The other weird thing is how you can use the floo network all the time. Aren’t there security guards or something? Shouldn’t we see some dead guards when we enter? Is no one patrolling these fireplaces?

(Cut to security guard in the office, drinking coffee, watching the flooplaces on the monitors.)

WHY ARE YOU STILL SO AMAZED ABOUT EVERYTHING?

Apparently Griphook is also a day trader? Or do they just have Warwick Davis play all the dwarf and goblin parts?

Colin:

Aren’t you glad Rowling and the filmmakers decided to incorporate magic Jews that talk about the economy and stuff? Is Gringotts really too big to fail?

Harry Potter TV series idea: Wall Street but with goblins.

Rupert Murdoch runs this paper, doesn’t he?

I like that they have a newsstand there. It’s like Grand Central Station.

Those office setups are AWESOME.

Also love the memo system.

Mein banner.

Does that change whenever a new Prime Minister wins the house cup?

Any opportunity to get Warwick Davis into a shot, I approve.

Do I have to say it?

Kingsley whispers like Slugworth.

They’ve changed the time of Harry’s hearing.

It’s happening in five minutes.

I mean, what if he wasn’t there yet? Would they just find him guilty by default? Is everyone really just cool with a railroading like this?

This is also sadly what it’s like to be a person of color in the American criminal justice system. They don’t usually get the nice ending that Harry gets, either.

Oh, you all had expectations of how elevators work, huh?

Republicans.

Colin:

So right.

Framing.

Apparently when you’re rich and/or powerful, there’s no such thing as a conflict of interest.

Arthur gives Harry some advice for his first court appearance.

I remember my first court appearance…

Colin:

So here we are at the Spanish Inquisition…

Yeah, I’m sure no corrupt shit goes on here.

Is that Lady Justice on the wall there? Throwing up her arms like, “Ehh.”

This looks like a wizarding electric chair.

Is Sweeney gonna give him a shave?

The hearing begins.

“Witness for the defense. Albus Percival Wulfric –”

“Brian –”

“Dumbledore.” (Motherfucker.)

Colin:

He says the Brian like, “Yeah I got a Brian in my name, bitch, AND what?”

This is a fucking kangaroo court. They just let a witness show up before they even went into the charges.

“Oh I got this shit won, now, son. Kobe!”

“Oh, you found out the hearing was changed, did you?”

“Nope. I’m just a badass.”

I love how this works. They clearly changed the hearing so as to get a quick conviction, and never told anyone about it, and Dumbledore’s like, “Oh, I just happened to show up three hours early.” AKA, “I’m better than you. You’ll never get over on me, motherfucker.”

Colin:

Why is Cornelius Fudge presiding over this trial? Aren’t there other judges? This guy has been seen hanging out at the Leaky Cauldron, showing up to animal executions, and now we find out that he’s the wizarding community’s Judge Judy. It appears that the only thing that the Minister of Magic DOESN’T do is to give a fuck about consistency or fairness. He was all nice to Harry before, now he’s being a prick. You’re trying a case with Albus motherfucking Dumbledore as the defending attorney. Are you familiar with the concept of “settlement?”

Hermione is.

“Charges.”

“Underage magic, motherfucker. Do you deny this?”

“No, but –”

Colin:

“I could only choose one — I could only choose ONE! I plead the FIF!”

“Are you aware you can’t do that?”

“Yes, but –”

“Well that’s pretty open and shut, I’d say.”

Also, check out Omar Sharif back there.

“I was only doing it because of the Dementors!”

Best reaction goes to the guy behind Umbridge.

Are the different color robes by party affiliation or seniority?

“Dementors?”

Juror #1 just changed her mind.

“Ah, I see what you’re doing. Muggles can’t see Dementors. Can they?”

He doesn’t even know. You know he doesn’t know.

We don’t even know. We’re all like, “I guess…?”

He doesn’t even let him talk, figures he had a well-rehearsed speech and says, “Let’s convict this fuck.”

There is no such thing as due process in this place.

Democrats don’t trust it.

He says Harry can’t produce any witnesses testifying to this.

“As it happens, we can.”

You’d think Fudge would know about this. Don’t you do your homework before a trial, even if it’s a Tom Robinson Special?

She’d be played by Ruth Gordon in the 70s. Thelma Ritter in the 50s. You know she would.

The Group W bench.

Cross-examination.

“What did they look like?”

“One was a fat fuck. The other wasn’t.”

“Not the boys. The Dementors.”

Why’s he wearing his nice robes on some bullshit trial like this? Shouldn’t you just be wearing that over jeans because you had to come in on a Saturday to deal with this bullshit? The fact that you went all out means you’re trying to make a statement. You’re basically wearing your illuminati necklace right now.

She describes Dementors (“They were dark, they were tall, and they were wearing hoodies”), which is weird, since, shouldn’t everyone be able to do that? How is that better testimony than Harry’s?

Colin:

Considering the lengths Rowling took to differentiate nearly every aspect of the wizarding world from that of the muggles, it seems odd how similar the court system is. Where’s the Veritaserum? They have magic. How about someone Pensieves Harry and sees exactly what went down? It seems like this series can make anything possible in a pinch, except right now. This whole thing seems unnecessary.

Not to mention — if they were watching him close enough to expel him minutes after he used the damn magic, clearly they know what the fuck happened.

Fudge is like, “Oh please – this shit is insane. Dementors wouldn’t go into a place like that!” (He’d be played by Frank Morgan in the 40s.)

And Dumbledore’s like, “I don’t think this is a coincidence. Obviously this is part of the Golden Voldies.”

“Ahem.”

“Were you coughing at me?”

“I must have misunderstood you, professor.”

“Bitch, you can’t be serious.”

“Dementors are, after all, under the control of the Ministry of Magic. And it’s so silly of me, but it sounded for a moment as though you were suggesting that the Ministry had ordered the attack on this boy.”

Colin:

Some people say cucumbers taste better pickled.

It’s funny because she’s the one who sent them.

“Which is why I’m sure the Ministry will be mounting a full scale inquiry into why the two Dementors so very far from Azkaban, and why they mounted an attack without authorization.”

“I don’t like you.”

Colin:

It’s fucking infuriating when someone, knowing full well what you said, pulls that whole, “It sounded like you just said THIS… though I must be mistaken.” Uh, no you mustn’t, cunt. Let’s don’t get confused. I said exactly that shit. And now I’m saying this: fuck you, and fuck the broom you flew in on.

The Broom She Flew In On:

Wait, why am I a part of this?

“Of course, there is someone why might be behind the attack.”

“Cornelius – I implore you to see reason.”

I implore you to see grooviness, man. (I am beyond hope.)

“He is NOT BACK!”

You think they would have cast Jack Lemmon here if he were still alive? (Or, no, actually. They like their all-British thing they have going on. So let’s rephrase to, doesn’t he look kinda like Jack Lemmon?)

Colin:

I was thinking the same.

Funny how Fudge’s delivery of this line is exactly the same as Ian Holm’s in Fellowship when he says, “I’m not at home!”

“This motherfucker’s getting on my nerves…”

“In the matter of Harry Potter…”

Back to business.

They also set up this shot for three movies from now, in the same location.

“The law clearly states he can do it if someone’s gonna cap his ass.”

“Laws can be changed if necessary.”

Yeah, I’m sure that’s a good way to show the trial isn’t fixed. Do you realize you just said that out loud?

Colin:

Did Fudge honestly just suggest that if what Harry had done was legal, they would change the law to make it retroactively illegal? This is some Mussolini-level shit.

I hope that Quick Quotes Quill stenographer got all that on the record. Because this shit is like the Nixon tapes.