Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Part II — “The Face Of Evil Often Comes With a Kitty Broach”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the second part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

We begin today in King’s Cross Station.

So in movie 1, no one notices a giant bringing a boy to a train, and in movie 5, nobody notices a one-legged drunk with one eye bringing him. Man, London’s a weird place.

Yo, Sirius.

How come Harry doesn’t have any of his shit? Does Hogwarts just keep it for him or something?

“Padfoot, are you barking mad?”

Which I was gonna call attention to, but then I realized – Moody’s really fucking smart. Don’t use his real name and blow his cover. Which – it’s a muggle train station, do you really think people are on the lookout for him there?

Colin:

HAHAHAHAHAHA “barking” mad!

“I’ve never been with a dog before, but…”

(Look, her name is Nymphadora. If you didn’t think this was coming, you’re reading the wrong articles.)

“You bring the stuff?”

Harry asks why he’d risk exposing himself. Sirius says “What’s life without a little risk?”

Also, he just happened to be wearing a coat and nothing else? They just don’t explain this transforming shit at all, do they?

Also, that’s how he risked exposing himself.

Harry doesn’t want to see him thrown back in Azkaban.

“Oh, don’t worry about me. Anyway –”

Siriusly. That’s what he says. Just moving right on to the next thing. We’re done with that portion of the scene.

He wanted Harry to have this.

Mad Eye Moody is the Piccolo of this franchise.

The original Order of the Phoenix.

“See her? I fucked her in the Dark Forest once.”

“Great blowjobs.”

Aww… the Longbottoms.

WHOA – Who’s rocking the handlebar?

Even Dumbledore’s checking him out.

Colin:

You know, it’s just occurred to me that James Potter has the same glasses Harry does. And Harry has the same glasses he always did, which means the Dursleys bought them. Remember how they were broken, and Hermione repaired them on the train? So it’s pure coincidence that the asshole guardians Harry grew up with happened to buy him the exact same glasses his father wore? 

“Do you really think there’s going to be a war, Sirius?”

Why can’t he just have normal hair? Why must it be one of two extremes?

“Yeah, probably.”

“I suppose you’re the young ones now.”

Owen?

Colin:

Holy shit. That’s…what?

Colin:

You one stripey bitch.

For a dark wizard, he is impeccably dressed.

Love this shot, though.

Colin:

Aw, Voldemort still has no nose. That’s sad. 

I like how they work one of these into every movie.

Nice headlines in this one.

Also, wouldn’t it be great if Robert Shaw were reading that paper? It’s got that kind of vibe, doesn’t it?

Colin:

Hogwarts Express…Orient Express…yeah. How sweet would it be if they’d done something real with the Hogwarts Express instead of using it for exposition and dialogue? Like, a whole plot just on the Hogwarts Express. I love it when movies do train shit. That’s an idea for the TV series. I want a whole plot just on the Hogwarts Express. I’ll also state here that riding the Orient Express has always been a dream of mine, and now it’s discontinued, so I’ll probably just drink instead.

I was thinking more like, Harry, Draco, this.

Hey, it’s Draco. Being a dick.

Ah ha, caught you flinching. You little bitch.

Colin:

This is one of those instances where the time between movies (two years in the middle of puberty) really shows. In three months, he got a haircut, but he also got more muscular and a little veiny in the neck. Ew.

What’s with Hermione?

Oh, I get it, he’s supposed to be unnaturally angry in this one. I remember now.

Colin:

The Hogwarts Express feels like a real fixture of school tradition, but it can’t have been around for much more than the most recent tenth of Hogwarts’ history. Before that, did they use portkeys or something? Unless everyone either went by broom or carriage or something, you gotta figure the Hogwarts Express was actually a downgrade in speed from whatever they used to do before that. And did we even take a second to think about people like Cho Chang, who live in Scotland — near Hogwarts — and have to travel to London to get on a train that takes several hours to get them back to somewhere near where they started?

How many times has this shot happened?

Colin:

I’ve noticed while watching this franchise that there a drillion instances of Harry walking away by himself as Ron and Hermione give each other that look of, “He needs to chill the fuck out.” And you know what, Harry? You do need to chill the fuck out. I’m amazed they still hang out with you. You never make jokes and you’re overly dramatic about most things. Why do we like you, again?

That’s funny. That’s not something you’d think we’d both notice.

Well, hello.

Colin:

FINE ASIAN CHICK WHOSE BOYFRIEND IS DEAD NOW SO YOU’RE GOOD TO GO! I should qualify that. I’ve had experience with this sort of thing.

Let’s pause to appreciate this statement.

Colin:

For most Asian chicks, four months after the boyfriend dies is too soon. But by seven months, she’s gone. You’re gonna want to wait until around the six month mark. That’d put it around Christmas. She’ll be READY. Just watch.

I love that they work one of these into every movie too.

“Hey guys.”

“Hey Neville.”

Colin:

Neville, I’m not gonna ask what you’re holding.

What the fuck is THAT thing?

No one else sees it.

“Nothing’s pulling the carriage, Harry. It’s pulling itself, like always.”

Colin:

So I mentioned this before, but why can Harry only just now see the thestrals? He’s seen death before. There are Potter fans that say he has to have accepted the death to be able to see them. Well, I think he witnessed Quirrell’s death, and I’m pretty sure he accepted that. And I think he still hasn’t quite gotten over Cedric, given the dreams. So your explanation is bullshit, and we’re just doing this now cause Rowling wants to. Okay, I’ll Rowl with it.

Lean wit it, Rowl wit it…

Colin:

But returning to the observation I made in Chamber of Secrets, why is Harry the only one that can HEAR the thestrals, too? It’s making a rather audible sound. Just like how in Chamber of Secrets he could hear the basilisk talking, but you have to assume that to anyone else they’d still hear a shit ton of loud hissing in the wall. I don’t really get how this works. Rowling et al go out of their way to say that thestrals can only be seen by certain people. Okay. How about the other four senses? Do they smell neutral? Do they leave invisible shits that smell and that you might step in by accident?

“You’re not going mad.”

“I can see them too.”

LUNA!

“You’re just as sane as I am.”

She’s one of my favorite characters in this entire franchise. They got the casting PERFECTLY on this one.

Colin:

I guess I’ll be the one to tell her. Sweetie, your magazine’s upside down.

“Everyone this is Looney Loveg—”

I love how she gets horrified that she just said that.

And how she doesn’t notice SHIT.

“Luna Lovegood.”

Oh, the reactions make me so happy.

“Interesting necklace.”

“It’s a charm, actually.”

“It keeps away the Nargles.”

We have comedy ignition (remix).

I also like how Luna just says, “Hungry,” to no one in particular.

“I hope there’s pudding.”

Colin:

Yeah, Neville’s got the bloated left hand of a drowned scarecrow corpse. I figured out what it was, you guys. 

Here’s my question – how does Hermione know Luna’s name? This implies that she knows and reads the Quibbler, since Luna’s father writes the Quibbler, and the only real reason you’d know that he has a daughter who is attending Hogwarts is if he wrote about it in his paper. Because otherwise you wouldn’t really know people’s children. Do people know where most famous people’s (and we’re stretching to call Xenophilius Lovegood a famous person) kids go to school? So this implies that he wrote it in his paper (which is entirely plausible) and that Hermione read it, which – is not. Her parents are muggles, she clearly reads the London Times or something. Even if she did happen to catch the wizarding news, she’d read the Daily Prophet, not the Quibbler, the Gawker of wizard publications. It makes no sense at all that she’d know this girl’s name. None.

Colin:

There are a few other ways I can see Hermione knowing her. Luna’s only a year behind them, so she’s a fourth year now, and although she’s a Ravenclaw, girls always seem to know each other. It is strange that she knows about The Quibbler, though. That makes very little sense. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Hermione — when it comes to Muggle affairs — supports Labour and probably reads The Guardian. 

Wait, what? Luna’s not a first year? They just waited four years to introduce her? That’s fucked up. I just assumed she was a first year. This isn’t that big a school. You’d think you’d know the weird girl who has her shit stolen by now. What the fuck, Rowling? That one’s entirely on you. They never did that for anyone else. I just assumed she was new.

Oh look, there is pudding.

Colin:

As I explained before, Luna is a Ravenclaw, which is why she’s sitting across from DIS FINE FEMALE OVER HERE ON DA LEFT. This franchise needs some more Asians. More girls and even one guy that we meet. 

Here’s a question I don’t think we asked in the last movie… did the other schools have houses? How does that work?

Thank you for keeping those candles.

Old Man Dumbs is back.

Professor Grubbly-Plank is back, so apparently Hagrid got demoted again. (Do they mention who taught the class last year, or were classes during the Tri-Wizard tournament just a passé sort of thing?)

Hagrid’s on leave.

I love that Snape claps for that. He’s the best.

And there’s their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher – Dolores Umbridge. That bitch from the Ministry.

Few things about this shot…

1) What up, Maggie? Second biggest badass at Hogwarts right there. Also, she looking fine as hell.

2) Snape got passed over again.

3) Always desert shit.

4) Is Maggie not drinking anything, or does she just have one of those pots to herself?

5) Nice job with the pink. It automatically makes her out to be a complete dickhead. Which she is.

Colin:

It’s never a good sign when your Defense Against the Dark Arts professor is wearing all pink.

Never?

Colin:

I wouldn’t want Vegeta teaching me. His idea of Defense Against the Dark Arts is a year in the hyberbolic time chamber. Not to mention the fact that Vegeta has cried like a lil bitch on a few occasions. After getting smacked the fuck around by Frieza, for instance. Maggie Smith could take Frieza. She got them Transfiguration powers like Buu.

You’d have that reaction too if Flitwick was your Goku. (I was gonna use his Saiyan name, but we kinda took that one over already.)

They know.

Here’s a question about her – why the fuck is Dumbledore again caving to the government? I know why she’s there, and what Fudge would do if this didn’t happen – but what does Dumbledore actually need to be afraid of? The thing about him – as the books tell us – is that he’s afraid of his own lust for power. He was offered the Minister job a bunch of times and turned it down because he was afraid of that whole Caesar thing – don’t get too much power. So he took the Hogwarts job. This reeks of the Superman thing – why does he take shit from Perry White when he can kill the guy with a sideways look if he wanted? In that sense, I understand his actions. In terms of the films – makes no goddamn sense at all and he looks like an asshole. Remember when he thought she was a cunt during Harry’s hearing? He just HIRED that cunt! SHE’S GETTING SALARY FROM HIM! I don’t get it.

Though he does say, “I hope you’ll all join me in wishing the professor ’good luck.’” I like that phrasing.

Colin:

I never got this either. What is there to temp him, really? In spite of his failings, he’s a good guy and has good intentions. Why would the power of the office of Minister of Magic have such a corrupting effect on him? He could get good shit done and keep bad shit from happening. It’s not like he’d need to seize much more power to have nearly absolute control over everything; we’ve already seen how the Minister of Magic can do pretty much anything he wants and be cool. With Gandalf and the Ring of Power, he’s refusing it cause he knows it’s better than him and that it’ll use him instead of him using it. This makes no sense to me. He just goes with what the Ministry says instead of running that shit like Rome.

Yeah, Emma Thompson!

Also, who that chick next to her? I ain’t seen you round here before.

Colin:

Trelawney looks like the hobo that gets startled enough by your passing headlights that he briefly stops eating the McRib he bought with his blowjob money.

For the record, I’ve never bought fast food with my blowjob money.

Umbridge got something to say. (And then she ain’t gonna… say no more.)

Colin:

Two for two articles with references to that movie. I like it.

Okay, she’s in her pink outfit, ready to ham it up.

“Boo!” said Nearly Headless Nick.

“Did that bitch just interrupt me?”

And she just takes it upon herself to stand up.

I think we’re all thinking the same thing right now.

“Thank you, Headmaster, for those kind words of welcome.”

I’d like to thank the Academy.

Also, Dumbledore’s face.

“And how lovely to see all your bright, happy faces smiling up at me.”

There’s a reason I teach you people these things.

Umbridge is sure they’re all going to be very good friends.

“That’s likely.”

Look at Dean.

Colin:

“This bitch must be crazy.”

Filius Flitwick. Baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

I heard he once killed a grizzly bear with his bare hands.

“Progress for the sake of progress must be discouraged.”

This is true evil. This is the shit that scares me about Republicans. The ones who are all nice like this and then you find out they want to kill all the poor people.

Colin:

So…all of them? 

That pie has a dickhole in it.

(But actually – someone fucked up. There’s clearly a wire running into that pie. Either it’s a camera or a microphone or the prop lights up or something – whatever it is, they fucked up. I can see it.)

(Also, that may be our subtitle for this one: “That Pie Has a Dickhole in It.”)

Colin:

Rosie O’Donnell? (But yes, I like that for a subtitle.)

She actually just gives a speech that’s slightly to the right of Ayn Rand.

Colin:

That fuck, Ayn Rand. If you read Ayn Rand as more than an experience in theoretical diversity, I don’t think I want to hear from you. Should’ve called it Atlas Gagged. I could have a whole blog dedicated to my hate of Ayn Rand and her acolytes. Maybe we should resurrect Hate Expectations. I hate shit.

I don’t really know Imelda Staunton from anything else, but I respect her. You know, insofar as I want to run her character through with a javelin. But that was the intention, so a job well done!

I had really only known her from Vera Drake when she got nominated. Other than that, most people wouldn’t know her from anything. I’m just glad they changed the character from the book. I remember (and this just may be me having not read close enough) the character being described as a fat toad of a woman, so it was more, “Here’s this big fat evil bitch we hate.” I like that in the movie they played it the way they did.

I’m glad this shot is there. It says a lot without saying anything.

What a shock. Filch is a Tea Party member.

Colin:

Filch is gonna masturbate like CRAZY tonight. We all know who the LOTIONS master is. 

I can see him with a muggle girl down in the dungeon. “Yes it is, Mrs. Norris. It’s gonna get the hose.”

Colin:

Also, you should all know that I’m politically polarizing, but Mike seems pretty disinterested, which means that if he’s describing a particular group as evil or nasty, they probably are. He calls it like it is. I’m sure he has something negative to say about liberals too, but it’s on record that [American] conservatives are evil.

Honestly, if the ticket isn’t Pullman/Goldblum, I don’t care about politics.

“It means the Ministry’s interfering at Hogwarts.”

This must be the public school of wizarding schools. They must get funding or something.

Colin:

Actually, this is the start of a little trend that struck me the wrong way when I watched it, particularly because of the political dialogue that was going on at the time I watched it.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Hogwarts Columbine episode.

(Why aren’t there wizards in wheelchairs?)

Harry be getting nasty looks in the common room.

Colin:

WHAT IS THAT MUSIC? WHERE IS THAT MUSIC COMING FROM? EXPLAIN.

Diegesis.

And he only addresses Dean and Seamus. That’s like walking into your dorm and only addressing your roommates. No wonder everyone hates him.

Random idea (which will lead into a Harry Potter TV series idea): Do you ever think there’s been a wizarding Catfish scenario? There has to have been, right?

Seamus’s mother didn’t want him to come back this year. Because she believes everything she reads in the newspaper.

He then says shit about Seamus’s mother, which is actually uncalled for.

And now Ron is here, as the muscle. He believes Harry.

“Has anyone else got a problem with Harry?”

Colin:

I don’t show Ron much love usually, cause he’s pretty useless most of the time, but this is cool. You mess with Harry, he’s gonna fuck you up. It’s rare you see this kind of friendship these days. Someone who makes it clear to everyone else that they’ll kick the shit out of anyone who goes near their friend. It’s actually sort of the relationship we have with Japan.

Except you say “probrem.”

Lot of things going on here. Almost too many to name. I’ll leave it to just – is that Owen Wilson back there?

Ron acts like an entourage member. “He was totally out of order, you were right the whole time.” Yes man.

“I said I’m fine, Ron!”

Ron realizes he has absolutely no purpose in the movies anymore.

Colin:

Remember what I said before about Harry having shit manners? Ron just offered to take on anyone in the school who has a problem with Harry, and this asshole’s response is, “I SAID I’M FINE, RON!” Wow. You went from being amazed about receiving a single Christmas present to being the world’s most ungrateful dickbag. You’re gonna be like that? Fine. How about we go back to when you were drawing yourself a birthday cake in the dust on the floor. Would that suit you better? You fuck.

To be fair, we do find out this is Voldemort doing it to him. He is an ungrateful dickbag, but this one’s not (all) on him.

Colin:

I think I’ve mostly decided what Ron is. He’s moral support. The thing is, sometimes — in spite of his uselessness — he’s WAY too nice to Harry. I remember thinking in the first book, “Damn, Ron. That’s HARRY POTTER. He’s WAY too good to be hanging out with you.” And just now, I was thinking, “Damn, Ron. That’s HARRY POTTER. You’re way too good to be hanging out with him.” I mean, what a douche!

Does he have DID? Did he just change?

Oh, he’s just jerking off again.

Right, though?

What?

(Look, it was either link to that or link to this. I’ll leave you to decide which you think was better.)

Oh…. kay.

I don’t see no swish and flick. Also, this is what happens when you get taught by the baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts? This is what you use his wisdom for?

“Good morning, children.”

She’s here to get them ready for the O.W.L.s.

Which – honestly, this is the first actual learning I’ve seen done in this class in a while.

Why are they checking out her ass?

Is she supposed to have a donk?

All right, then.

She also says if they study hard, they will be rewarded, and if they fail to do so, the consequences may be severe.

Colin:

What does that mean, that the consequences may be severe? What, like you’ll end up as a wizard janitor or something? Isn’t that Filch’s gig? We never hear about an unemployed wizard, do we? Everyone graduates and gets a job. What happens when there’s a wizard recession?

This is the face of evil.

The face of evil often comes with a kitty broach.

“Your previous instruction in this subject has been disturbingly uneven.”

She’s right, though.

This looks like a 50s newsreel version of a textbook.

Brought to you by Centaur cigarettes. Strong enough for a horse, good enough for a man.

Colin:

This looks like one of the Halloween books in my elementary school library from when I was a kid. We still had all kinds of books left over from when the school was built in the 50s, and I loved reading them cause I knew they were old as hell. But I was always looking for one that was about the bomb. Also, notice how the cover is kids reading the book, making it an infinite loop.

They’re gonna have a “Ministry-approved” curriculum.

Hermione’s like, “This says nothing about using defensive spells.”

“I can’t imagine why you would need to use spells in my classroom.”

Reaction shots.

I don’t see much going on there. She might be Spider-Man, though.

The Ministry figures a theoretical knowledge will be enough to get them through their exams – which, I’d think so. Is there a practical element to the exam? Do the examiners attack the students as part of it? Otherwise, it’s entirely written. She makes a point. “After all,” she says, “(it’s) what school is all about.” She is right. Of course, this is clearly an overreaction of, “They’re saying Voldemort is back, so let’s do this to make it seem like there’s no danger,” which is really just some Red Scare shit. But all my knowledge from school has always been a theoretical knowledge. Any practical knowledge I ever got was by taking the initiative myself.

Colin:

You know that any gun freaks watching this are totally getting off. The government, regulating the way that citizens protect themselves? That’s tyrannical government! They need to be able to fight back against bad guys! And herein lies the major issue with wands — a wand is basically a gun. In fact, given that if you hit your target with the killing curse it dies every time, we can consider every wand to be a Golden Gun with unlimited ammo. We give these to 11 year olds. We also allow them to be kept by drunk ass wizards who could get in squabbles over just about anything.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Saloon card games. You know where I’m going with this.

Colin:

Rowling has democratized killing WAY too much, and at the same time, she’s stayed in her fantasy world of high morals. Note that Harry — before even finding out about the Horcruxes and stuff — always tries to disarm Voldemort rather than kill him. In fact, throughout the whole series, Harry never kills ANYONE. He slays a serpent, with a SWORD and sort of kills Quirrell, although the final credit there goes to Voldie for abandoning the body. Even Neville kills someone. I find this to be…bullshit. This is some crazy wizard 2nd Amendment propaganda shit, and then Harry never actually merc’s anybody. True, this wizarding government may actually be tyrannical and meddling, and they may have good reason to use self-defense magic, but if you were to ever read between the lines — and though it’d be silly to try to glean hidden meaning from a series like this, you know there are people who do — this comes off as an overture to libertarian vigilance. Which…maybe in Weimar Germany or Biennio Rosso era Italy? But if you’re sitting on your couch watching this movie…no.

“What the fuck is that bullshit gonna do for us?”

“Oh please. Who is gonna attack children?”

“Frank Stallone.”

I’m sorry. He Who Must Not Be Named.

I like how we see her crack just a little bit.

She goes on saying that Voldemort ain’t back an all that stuff.

Hermione’s the best.

“This is a lie.”

“Bitch, I SAW HIM!”

“Oh, so Cedric Diggory just dropped dead of his own accord?”

“ENOUGH!”

Colin:

I HATE this. She has no answer. When someone brings up a valid point, you don’t just get to say ‘enough’ and be done with it.

You do when the discussion is about whether or not Jennifer Lopez makes good movies.

Colin:

I guess adults in positions of authority can say that, but it’s not like she isn’t under scrutiny from the school management. What IS the official ministry position on Cedric’s death? If Voldemort didn’t kill him, how’d he die?

Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

….Harry Potter TV series idea.

Colin:

This is another example of where Harry could Pensieve that shit or Veritaserum it with witnesses and clear a lot of shit up. Also, ever notice how the Triwizard Cup portkey originates in the center of the maze, takes them to the graveyard, and when it goes back, they’re at the start of the maze again?

I love that we’re tearing the logic of these things a new Harry. Because none of it actually does make sense.

Though I must mention it at some point — it’s actually pretty terrifying when someone who’s always so saccharine on the surface snaps and starts yelling. Umbridge is like, under the surface/to the core evil, but once she starts yelling and shit — that’s dangerous. That bitch would do some wild shit “for the cause.”

She tells Harry to see her later, in her office. With a giggle.

She is the Nancy Drew of evil.

She got that yayo.

Colin:

If you do not snort this, then we have a prob-lem.

You know whose office is also designed like that?

Serial killers.

There’s a good phone screensaver image for you.

I love the knife just sitting there on the desk.

I do like the pink walls, though. I’m not gonna lie.

Are these ghost kitties?

He’s going to be writing lines.

He’s gonna write “I must not tell lies.” With her quill.

Until the message “sinks in.”

Oh that’s fucking cold.

Also pretty sure that’s blatantly illegal.

Fuck the detention. Leave right now. That’s immediate firing and felony charges. Why would you even go to detention in the first place? And why would you stay if she’s gonna torture you? McGonagall would slap the shit out this bitch if that happened.

Colin:

This is what I’m talking about. This shit wouldn’t go down, and Harry trying to cover it up only makes things worse.

Also, shouldn’t he have that scar on his hand forever now? Why don’t we randomly see that etched into his hand later on?

Colin:

If you used one of those special quills to draw something dirty, that would turn up on your hand, right? Why wouldn’t you skip writing whatever she wanted and just draw something awesome? If my hand’s getting cut up, I’m getting something worthwhile on there. “UMBRIDGE SUCKS OWL COCK” or something like that. And then since the quills are all hers, you could claim that she made you write it.

Stab that bitch in the temple right now. Dead cats tell no tales.

Harry calls his arms “Avada” and “Kedavra.”

She asks if he’s got something to say. He says no.

“That’s right. Because you know, deep down, you deserve to be punished.”

Oh, so she’s one of those.

Colin:

This is something I’ve never understood in any movie. A character is made to suffer somehow, and when the authority figure asks them if there’s a problem, the person always says no and keeps going. Uh, how about you wait til her back is turned and clock this bitch in the head. Flip a table. Smash every fucking cat plate and then cut her with the shards. “Look at you in your pink suit, ho! You look like Fancy Feast!”

Is that a drug stash?

Nope. They’re entrepreneurs.

Candies that make you sick so you can get out of class.

Colin:

Now there’s music in the common room all the time and I don’t know where it comes from. I wish for it to be explained. Music doesn’t just materialize out of nowhere whenever a bunch of teenagers are around. I know old people think that’s the case, but it has to be coming from somewhere.

Ron tries to get Hermione to suck his dick. I mean write a paper for him. She says she’ll “do the introduction, that’s all.”

Colin:

Hermione seems to help Ron cheat a LOT. Isn’t that punishable by expulsion or something? Don’t teachers notice when Ron’s essay starts amazing and then gets shitty after the first paragraph? “So, Mr. Weasley. I have to commend you on the introduction of your essay. Even the handwriting has an almost feminine feel of neatness to it. And here’s the second paragraph, which is apparently where you started drinking cough syrup and vodka.”

“Hermione – you’re honestly the most wonderful person I ever met.”

RETCON!

“If I’m ever rude to you again…”

“I’ll know you’ve gone back to normal.”

No joke, they actually pulled a 180 here.

“What’s wrong with your hand?”

Well… a 120, at least.

“Nothing. I fell down some stairs.”

His name is Robert Paulson.

Hermione says he’s got to tell Dumbledore.

Good luck with that. Dumbledore don’t give a fuck about you this year.

Ron’s like, “She’s torturing you. If the parents knew about this…” and Harry’s like, “Well I haven’t got any of those, Ron.”

Put it back in the deck.

I like how Hermione handles this. The delicate intake of breath, trying to be rational – “Harry, you’ve got to report this.”

She says it’s perfectly simple, and he’s like, “It’s not.”

Yeah, it is.

Colin:

Okay, back to how I don’t understand this. “I must suffer in silence!” Why do these protagonists always have to be martyrs? Hermione is absolutely right here. Go. Tell Dumbledore. You have no idea what he’s up to. Maybe he’s still in attorney mode, painstakingly building a case against Umbridge. Maybe this is valuable evidence against her that might lend some credibility to future accusations of her being a cunt. Yeah, go be a martyr. The truth is, you LIKE being tortured, and I’m glad to see you suffer, you prat. God, I hate Harry in this book. Possibly even more than Umbridge.

Dumbledore’s building a RICO case.

Hermione’s reactions are the rear projection of this franchise.

Apparently these shots are now a staple too.

Colin:

This transition shot of Hedwig flying over trees and shit took me out of the movie for a second. I was totally expecting David Attenborough to start saying, “The snowy owl, searching for prey…” Even the music sounded a bit BBC nature series-like there for a minute.

“Dear Padfoot, I hope you’re all right.”

NOW YOU CALL HIM PADFOOT? Also, why not tell him about Umbridge? Or tell Umbridge about him? Like, hey, my convicted felon uncle wouldn’t like to hear about this…

He writes his letter and talks about how alone he feels. SAD FEELINGS.

Colin:

“In spite of being back at Hogwarts, I feel more alone than ever.” WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? This movie is the reason Ron and Hermione end up together. If you hadn’t been such a fucking asshole, you could have gotten in there, but you’re leaving the two of them to chill on their own all the time now. I can’t stand Harry anymore. Seriously, man, you and me? We’re fucking done professionally.

Thestrals just be hanging out and shit. How come he never randomly walked into these things before?

Ah, Luna.

This shot says a lot.

“Hello, Harry Potter.”

Never even turns back around.

“Your feet, are they cold?”

“A bit.”

“Unfortunately all my shoes have mysteriously disappeared.”

“I suspect Nargles are behind it.”

Colin:

I love Luna. You could fuck with her so easily.

Yeah, you could.

Colin:

Just steal all her shoes, and be like, “Oh shit! I think it was Nargles! I just saw one with some Doc Martens!” 

Oh, you meant… never mind.

Colin:

But then you also have to think that if she and Malfoy had a son, it’d look and act like the dueling banjo kid from Deliverance.

She explains about the thestrals. They can only be seen by people who’ve seen death. We’ve already discussed how crazy that is that Harry can only see them now.

Luna explains how her mother died. It’s a nice moment for the character that most people forget about.

She also says her and her father believe him.

She also figures that if she were Voldemort, she’d want him to feel cut off from everyone else.”

“Because, if it’s just you alone, you’re not much of a threat.”

Luna Lovegood: the Sun Tzu of the Harry Potter franchise.

This is what happened to the last guy that took her shoes.

If you wrong her, shall she not revenge?

Throw some meat to that bitch.

No wonder people avoid thestrals. They eat human flesh.

Strange moment. In another movie they’d immediately fall to the ground and start fucking.

Colin:

This conversation’s all going well until Luna pulls out some raw meat. I get having an apple. That might be on the table at breakfast. Where is she getting her raw meat? For that matter, where do any of Hogwarts’ supplies come from? This is stuff for the TV show. How are they getting their goods? Do the house elves go shopping? Or could Voldemort dress up as a milkman and infiltrate the grounds like the creepy Walkman dude from The Living Daylights?

And his name is Necros, too. It fits perfectly in this franchise.

Also, I’m just picturing the house elves going shopping like all the maids in The Help. Dobby going down to the Piggly Wiggly.

This screenshot was made for Colin to comment on.

Colin:

And yet, you just did it for me. We know how I feel about Ginny and her unnecessary skankiness. I’d say she wants the dick, but somehow, the use of a definite article seems inappropriate.

I guess, when it comes to Ginny and dick (Harry Potter TV series idea: An episode called Ginny and Dick), it’s more of an indiscriminate article.

And this one.

Colin:

THERE you go. She’s looking at all of them. Seriously, did they plan this? She’s looking at a pile of dicks. And is Ron reading a study guide for the OWLs? Really?

Maybe she’s just looking at sausage. Because, honestly, I don’t even like sausage all that much (I don’t even like breakfast food all that much), but if there was a plate of sausage sitting in front of me like that at brunch, I’d eat half the fucking thing too. Same with bacon. Death by deliciousness.

I’ll also note that the book does say “Cram in.” So in a way it’s only helping the visual metaphor.

“Do you ever stop eating?”

Also, the row of toast is back. Big fan of that thing.

Colin:

Me too. Not many people know, but I went through a major toast phase during high school. I bought a nice toaster and experimented with the settings, different types of bread, different types and amounts of butter, and so forth. It was pretty involved, now that I think of it. Over the course of about six months. This is all very strange.

I just watched movies and masturbated a lot in high school.

All that jelly and no toast, I guess.

“I just fucked the weird girl in the forest. It was… spectacular.”

This would be the appropriate reaction to this.

I also only now realize that piss colored liquid could be orange juice.

Teachers be fighting.

Maggie found out. Maggie don’t like her “medieval methods.” What she does like is alliteration, single malts, and reverse cowgirl.

“To question my practices is to question the Ministry.”

GESTAPO! Oh, I’m sorry, did somebody sneeze?

Colin:

Umbridge just did the, “I must have misheard you” thing again, but this time it was with McGonagall. Are you TRYING to lose all your teeth? Maggie Smith will fuck you up. And heaven forbid you pull some shit like this with Flitwick. You better check your tone, girl.

I heard Flitwick once stared a basilisk in the face for eight minutes and afterward the basilisk apologized.

“I am a tolerant woman, but the one thing I will not stand for is Jews. And blacks. And gays. And women. And the brown ones. And poor people. And mudbloods. And disloyalty.”

Colin:

Nothing like wrapping yourself in the flag. “Oh, you don’t like that I make students write lines in their own blood? YOU HATE AMERICA!” It’s funny, cause that’s exactly what was going on in the States when this book came out. Like, the timing is perfect so that when Rowling was writing the book in 2001-2002, US politicians were pulling this shit left and right. (Mostly right.)

Colin:

Hooray for visual metaphors!

“Things at Hogwarts are far worse than I’ve feared. Cornelius will want to take immediate action.”

Oh, they’re totally fucking. And she’s got that photo of him on her desk… they’re totally doing it.

Colin:

“Cornelius will want…” Let me get this straight. You’re trying to use the office of the Minister of Magic and all of its gravitas to intimidate people, and you refer to him as “Cornelius?” I know you’re just trying to make yourself sound very close to the Minister, to look important…but this is how investigations are started. If this were a real government, she’d drop his first name and there would be a hearing addressing allegations of sexual intimacy between them THE SAME DAY. You got a nice suit, sweetie, but pink isn’t good for hiding stains. (Another opportunity for Billy Mays!)

But actually.

There are some words you just don’t want to ever use. “Crusade.” “Holocaust.” “Inquisition.” “Starring Jennifer Aniston.”

Isn’t it great that the only paper in the wizarding world in this area is completely a propaganda piece? Cornelius Fudge is the Rupert Murdoch of the wizarding world.

That the public believes isn’t?

“Left & Right to Merge.” Jesus.

If only this ended like that did.

Colin:

Wait, how is the picture showing all the people taking pictures? Aren’t they in front? Wouldn’t they not be in the photo because they were behind the cameras? 

Of course they do. Parents are fucking stupid.

Notice the headline on the right.

Colin:

She got a knobbly-ass wand. Ribbed for her pleasure. 

Ewwwwwwwww.

Selective breeding.

I love how Dumbledore is around for none of this.

Look at Crabbe. What is this, a Lamaze class?

Force choke.

“You applied first for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“But you were unsuccessful.”

“Obviously.”

Glad they brought that back. They’re doing a great job using Snape in these middle movies when he’s not really relevant. But… on the other hand, we would always like to see more of him. Though how they use him is pretty perfect. So that’s good.

I love how easy it is for the wizarding world to slip into a total Big Brother state.

“Will you please predict something for me?”

This is the proper reaction.

Filius Flitwick knows how to play ball. Ain’t no reason to have her find out about the twelve Romanian girls he’s got in his place.

That’s why he’s the baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

I heard he once had sex for twenty-seven straight hours and then took his O.W.L.s.

Oh no you didn’t.

“Bitch I will kill you.”

Colin:

OH I KNOW YOU DIDN’T JUST MEASURE FLITWICK. HIS DICK IS LONGER THAN YOU ARE, BITCH, HE USES A CHARM TO PACK THAT SHIT AWAY.

Trelawney can’t make one small prophecy.

Colin:

You know that they just keep her around like Forrest Gump mowing the lawn. She’s not hurting anyone, so we’ll let her stick around.

Lieutenant Dumbledore, I made you a prophecy.

Lieutenant Dumbledore, prophecy!

No, no, wait… something’s coming.

“You are in grave danger.”

Hermione was right.

So… Granger Danger.

“Lovely.”

Colin:

See, after you predict that someone is in grave danger and they laugh and walk away….THAT’S when you shoot them in the back. TOLD YOU!

“No more questions.”

You think Umbridge is the type who would have a black boyfriend and hate herself for it? Or is she the type that goes out hating on all blacks, “… but not Tony”?

Cho is talking, but he doesn’t hear a word she’s saying.

Colin:

…Helen?

Theme songs for people.

Trelawney just got thrown out on her ass.

And quite the ass that is.

The Indian chicks feel no sympathy.

Colin:

Trelawney’s their favorite.

Hogwarts is her home. She can’t do this.

“Actually, I can.”

Maggie just shows up when she wants to.

“Something you’d like to say, dear?”

“Oh, there are several things I would like to say.”

Colin:

This is genuinely sad. I was really glad Rowling wrote this in, cause otherwise you’re just forced to accept things as they get progressively worse. This is that thing that makes people so upset they’re gonna flip tables.

I make doors open, motherfucker.

Colin:

And, on cue, Dumbledore shows up. “Look to my coming on the first light of the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.”

Oh wait, wrong franchise.

Still, you know Dumbledore chills with Shadowfax.

Reactions.

“Bring the white woman inside.”

“You have the right to dismiss my teachers, but you do not, however, have the authority to banish them from the grounds.”

“For now.”

This is why I liked the scenes with Firenze in the book. Since it always seemed like a big “fuck you” to the Ministry. “Oh, you don’t like my teachers? Well here’s a centaur, bitch! EEHHEEHEEHEEEE!”

Dicks. Dicks everywhere.

Colin:

This was my thought when I played Batman: Arkham Asylum; since it’s a Batman game, they had to incorporate a lot of things for you to hang from and hang bad guys from, so they filled the place with weird statues that poke out from everywhere. Just a bunch of dicks.

TV series idea (not necessarily Harry Potter): About a private investigators firm, called “A Bunch of Dicks.”

Harry tries to run after Dumbledore.

He apparently won’t take the hint.

He can disappear at will, motherfucker.

And apparently no one else saw it happen, either.

Wow, everybody dispersed fast. It’s almost as if they wanted the shot to be thematically relevant.

Hermione’s pissed. They’re not learning.

“The Minister of Magic said today that he was completely satisfied –”

“That makes two of us.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Colin:

That made me so happy. 

He also blames it on Sirius.

Lighting.

And there’s Sirius.

Boy, that’s changed.

Colin:

This would be so much easier with FaceTime.

He asks about Umbridge. “What’s she doing? Training you to kill half-breeds?”

He made a funny.

Fudge doesn’t want them trained in combat, he explains, when they tell him she won’t let them use spells.

“What does he think, we’re forming some sort of wizard army?”

And here, Ron becomes relevant for one small second.

Fudge actually does think Dumbledore is doing that.

Sirius says Voldemort is on the move, and naturally someone comes at that moment so he leaves. But not before saying Harry is on his own. Naturally.

All on his own.

Or maybe it’s more like this.

Colin:

Since we’re mentioning when we think the same things, I saw this bit and before clicking the links, I was thinking of posting the second one if Mike hadn’t. Cause that’s how we work.

I went to the second one because I realize I may actually end up posting all the ones from the first one by the time we’re done with this. This is what happens when something is on the brain.

These shots are great. I love thinking about these conceptually. “Okay, now all of you look up and walk forward.” You see this in so many movies. Especially shitty action movies. Like, “Pretend you’re looking at a giant alien spaceship and are wondering what this has to do with battleships.” And then you think about actors taking five steps forward and maintaining the stupid looks on their face while they’re looking at some fucking klieg lights. It’s hilarious.

“He really is out there, isn’t he?”

I would have paid untold amounts of money to see the version where they cut to Voldemort sitting just outside the window, going, Hehehehehehe,” and masturbating vigorously.

You know what I’m talking about.

Hermione finally says, “Fuck this.” She says if Umbridge ain’t gonna tell them how to defend themselves, they need someone who will.

Ron Unicorn. Wizard Sensei.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Ron Unicorn. Wizard Sensei.

Him? You already know Expelliarmus!

But seriously…

Oh, but they do cut to a rain face of him.

They’ve never shown Hogsmeade like this before. This place looks great. Which one is Theoden’s palace?

Moving through windows. Now do you see what a big impact Alfonso Cuaron had on this franchise? This is why Azkaban is my favorite.

Is that supposed to be Aberforth? Or have we not thought that far ahead?

“Oh…”

“All right…”

“My name’s Hermione, and I’m a cockaholic.”

“Hi, Hermione.”

I love how the “army” she’s recruiting is basically all Gryffindors, two Ravenclaws (one of whom is a genetic match to a Gryffindor), and a sexy Asian bitch that’s only there so she can make wocka wocka with Harry.

Colin:

I’m pretty certain that under current conditions, a meeting like this is a higher government priority than a high level drug deal. You don’t just put up a flyer with an open invitation. It looks like they just asked a bunch of kids to come, no strings attached, and that there’s a decent chance several will quit. Won’t they then expose the good guys? In my experience, if you lay bare your criminal plans and there are people who don’t want in, you have two options:

1. Send them on their merry way to the airport, but on the way shoot them with a tranquilizer and then crush the car with them inside.

2. Ask them to wait outside for the remainder of the meeting and then trick them into falling out the trap door at the bottom of your blimp.

I support anything that involves tricking someone into falling out of the trap door at the bottom of your blimp.

I like the lighting.

Oh, and one douchebag is upset because they don’t believe Voldie’s back.

I know I say it a lot, but… actually.

“Potter can tell us more about how Diggory got killed.”

(I hope Ginny is thinking what I am. Which is, “So what are you… gender-wise?”)

Harry says he’s not gonna talk about Cedric, so they might as well leave, if that’s all they’re here for.

I like this moment, them whispering in front of everyone, even though we all know what it’s about.

“I was actually here for the free food. I was told there was free food.”

That’s not fair, actually, since what she says is quite brilliant. She asks if it’s true he can produce a Patronus charm. Which turns the meeting around and back in his favor.

“Yes. I’ve seen it.”

I’m starting to think “Patronus charm” has another meaning.

Colin:

This is the cool thing about Luna. She’s weird as hell, but she yields results. There was a girl that I knew in college that was weird but not in a good way, though others saw her that way. This is how you do weird right. This is what those people thought they were seeing, instead of a fucking moron.

Dean knows. Dean always knows.

And now everyone joins in. Neville’s like, “He killed a basilisk. With the sword in Dumbledore’s office.”

“It’s true!” adds Ginny. “He also fucked me behind the Quidditch pitch once. It was awesome.”

“Third year, he fought about a hundred dementors at once.”

And now he has that moment of, “I’ll never be as cool as that.”

“And last year, he raped me.”

“Wait, I can explain that.”

“She wanted me to fuck her like Krum. She told me she liked it that way.”

“The truth is, mostly that was just luck.”

(At least he acknowledges it.)

“And I didn’t know what I was doing half the time. I nearly always had help.”

How many times is it now that I’ve set something up and the film played right into it?

“He’s just being modest.”

A HA HA HA HA!

“No, Hermione. I’m not.”

“Facing this stuff in real life is not like school.”

He says that in school, if you make a mistake, you can just do it again. But when you’re out there, a second away from watching a friend die before your eyes…

Poor choice of words.

(What’s Biz Markie doing back there?)

Colin:

Just sorting.

“You don’t know what that’s like.”

(RIP that kid named Max who used to get fat stacks on the corner with drugs)

Hey, remember when that kid named Nigel took over for Colin Creevey and nobody said anything?

“And that’s why we need his help.”

This is a strange moment. She goes to say “If we’re gonna have any chance at beating Voldemort, we’re going to neeed your help,” but can’t bring herself to say “Voldemort,” but does, because she realizes it’s important to not be afraid of this sort of thing. It’s a nice moment, only – why the fuck is she afraid of his name? She was born from muggles! She didn’t know who Voldemort was until four years ago. What reason does she have to be scared of him?

Con-ti-nu-i-ty!

Also, this is what I found in Colin’s notes at this exact same moment:

Colin:

Why does Hermione have trouble saying Voldemort’s name? She grew up as a muggle, she has no history of being afraid of the guy. She’s also the intellectual one, who should know better than to give any weight to a name? Is it that she’s been immersed in the wizarding culture for so long that it’s become a habit? Like how I’ve been in Japan so long now that I’ve started bowing to people I’m on the phone with?

Anyway, Harry convinces them Voldie’s back and they all sign up.

This reminds me of that scene in The Patriot.

(I hope they didn’t ask Dean to “make his mark.”)

Colin:

Cho yeah!

There should be some sort of Asian version of Kool-Aid where a sexy chick busts through the wall and says that exact phrase.

No explanation as to why it’s called “Dumbledore’s Army,” though. Not even a throwaway line. Maybe if you wanted it to have the same impact it did in the book you’d mention it.

WALK AND TALK!

Harry says they need to find a place to practice where Umbridge won’t find out.

“The Shrieking Shack?”

Of course you would, Ginny. Of course you would.

Colin:

Now I’ve got you doing it. But then, I’m criticizing her for being a slut. You’re merely recognizing it.

I believe this falls under the heading of, “Mike’s thinking the exact same thing, he just doesn’t say it.”

Hermione suggests the forest. Ron says, “Fuck that shit.”

“What happens if Umbridge does find us?”

“We get murdered before we leave the building, and I imagine we get fed to the pigs.”

Colin:

“Do you know what ‘nemesis’ means?”

Oh, but she is a ‘orrible cunt.

“Who cares?”

“I mean, it’s sort of exciting, isn’t it? Breaking the rules.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?”

“Anyway, at least we know one positive thing that came from today.”

“Cho couldn’t take her eyes off you, could she?”

Colin:

I thought everyone was looking at Harry the whole time, though. I think Neville probably has a thing for Harry, too. But yes, we always like it when Asian girls have eyes that point in your direction. Just…humor me. I’m pretending that this is gonna rast.

Watch this reaction.

One of the best in the franchise. It’s so wonderfully done.

So they make plans for shit.

And she sees.

And that’s where we’ll END PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and Dumbledore’s Army. Which gives Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell a whole new meaning.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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