Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983), Part III — “I Hate All of This”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. Part III.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the first part of Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi:
We begin Part III right where the movie gets shitty.
On Endor.
I like how Han’s camo is made into a trench coat and Luke’s is made into a duster. Those are two of the most badass things a person can wear.
Still no cravat, though.
Charlie’s around.
Naturally you’d bring droids on a moon like that.
This just turned into Platoon.
Oz reference.
Han says he and Chewie will take care of it.
Luke says to do it quietly.
And that’s not just some… innuEndor.
“Hey… it’s me!”
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ are the _ _ _ _ to _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .
(Type of shot) (noun) (genre)
Is he taking a piss?
Oh, no. That would have been awesome, if they were spotting each other while pissing.
Not that they need it. Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.
Look at the new Stormtrooper outfits. It must be casual Friday.
I’d love to see a Stormtrooper go swimming.
Or on the cover of the Nevermind album.
Wow, he fucking CLOCKS Han.
Lens flare!
This is so Grand Theft Auto. Sneak up behind a dude — uh oh, he saw you. CHASE TIME!
Colin:
I want a speeder. That is all.
Chewie with the sniper!
Well you know what they say… tree strikes, and you’re out.
So where exactly are they going? To warn the others? Shouldn’t they have radios or something?
What the fuck is that thing? Is that a speeder? Why doesn’t it look like that when they’re on it?
Yeah, that’s a position you want to get in.
“I see them!”
Wait, what? Did you actually just blatantly point out that you saw them?
Thanks, Donald Sutherland.
♫ Eastbound and down… ♫
Maybe now’s a good time to tell her you’re related. Because I’m pretty sure she’s thinking about your dick pressing up against her tramp stamp.
(You know Leia has a tramp stamp.)
(Because who wouldn’t want Charlie Chaplin on their postage?)
Hey… hey guys… d-d’you know what I love?
I bet you know what I love.
There is no way you have this chase and no one ends up Sonny Bono’d.
How about you shoot him in the fucking face?
Or that.
Hey, remember when they basically repeated this in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?
Weird how they didn’t run into any other Stormtroopers while this is happening. Just enough to get them split up and involved. You’d think this is the kind of thing that you can’t stop. Run into two, two more go off for help, you chase them, two more see you, and it spreads like wildfire because you can’t stop them all.
Really this comes back to both the shitty writing and the dumb plan of only having four people on patrol at a time.
Ah… two more. Because now we can have them.
In the 40s, they’d just be chilling on these things and having a full scale dialogue scene.
“It was you, Charley. You was my brother, you should have looked out for me…”
I love how this works. Minor characters — dead instantly. Main characters, “Oh no, they shot the engine, who was that?”
This seems like the go-to move when you’re being chased on a bike.
Colin:
This was the Force telling him what to do, I think. He hits the guy on the right with the laser and follows the one on the right. The one on the left who wasn’t hit ends up hitting a tree, so it’s all cool. It’s just an instinctual thing – you’d think it’d be smarter to follow the one you didn’t hit, but he was right.
This is a weird moment coming up. Leia sees the one guy and is like, “I’ll never catch him,” and pulls up. And then this fucker —
“Where’d she go?”
“I must be safe now.”
Motherfucker, do you watch movies? Don’t you know how this shit works. If they’re not behind you…
Wait, what?
Leia, what the fuck are you doing? Isn’t the point of doing that to show up in front of the guy and then shoot him in the fucking face? What just happened? Did she pull up and the guy was like, “Oh, I’m safe,” and then slowed down? Did he not look above him once? What the hell is that? She pulls up, then shows up alongside him? If you couldn’t beat him in a straight line, how the fuck do you end up next to him after going higher? And why are you next to him? What purpose is that gonna serve? Are you racing for slips? Shouldn’t you be shooting him?
Though I guess this maneuver can be called the old… Endor-ound.
YES! A HANDGUN!
YOU’RE THE ONE THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE OFFENSIVE!
Oh look, and now she crashed.
WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR EYES OFF THE ROAD?
You fucking moron. She didn’t even outsmart you. You won!
One of the dumbest conventions in movies. “Yes, they are destroyed. Now I can pass out.”
Because what is she passing out from? Internal injuries? It’s not shock. Or adrenaline. She didn’t exactly do anything that warranted passing out.
Maybe it’s just all the… Endor-phins.
Is this shit still going on?
Man, Lucas likes unnecessary crosscutting.
(Also, holy shit, is that what she looked like 50 years ago? She looks human.)
He looks like Roger Moore in For Your Eyes Only.
Colin:
Luke busts out his lightsaber, what the fuck you THINK was gonna happen? You’re fucked, Kemosabe.
Luke comes back. Leia’s gone. You know the drill.
They gotta go find her.
Colin:
This is why you don’t bring a princess on a dangerous strike mission.
Somehow the princess got lost before the droids.
Women find this irresistibly sexy.
Go ahead and try it if you don’t believe me.
That is Pedo Bear, right?
Close enough.
Colin:
Fucking Ewoks.
“I am so fucking turned on right now.”
(Either that or she’s really thinking about toning down the amount of drugs she takes.)
That’s it. The head tilt. That and big eyes are all you need to instantly make a creature endearing. Spielberg figured that shit out the year before this.
Show him your beaver. See what happens.
Colin:
You say that for every situation.
I think I’d make a good Jiminy Cricket.
Bribe the thing with food. Of course.
We’re not so different, humans and Ewoks.
Safari Zone.
Yes. Give him the one thing that’s stopping a direct shot to the head.
(“If you’re gonna spew, spew into this.”)
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if he just swatted his stick sideways and knocked her the fuck out?
This is something you do to someone who is completely out of their mind on drugs. Stop, mid-sentence and start staring off into the distance. Eventually they will start looking as well and will swear as though they “hear it too.”
Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise.
They got a sniper.
Clever girl.
Uh oh… is this the… Endor of Leia?
It looks like he’s holding a Walther.
Usually in this moment, it’s some sort of vicious beast that’s about to attack the guy?
Here? Ewok.
“You got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!”
“GET SOME!!!! YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME YOU COMMIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!”
(That Stormtrooper left her at the altar.)
(Or maybe… “This is the…. Endor.”)
(“Endor… shit. I’m still only on Endor.”)
(That’s actually appropriate.)
This is kind of like a water slide… only there’s no water… and his pants are on fire.
Carrie Fisher picking up a midget.
Colin:
I hate all of this.
That’s making a serious run for subtitle right now. “I Hate All of This.”
The worst part of all of this… this isn’t even the worst we’ll have to… Endor, in this movie.
This looks so cool.
By this point, you should all know there are like five things (understatement of the century) that I really love an will always point out, and symmetry is one of them.
But actually.
(Sploosh.)
Honestly, this is really all I need when I’m old: a chair sitting by a window, in space.
Is he wearing a chain?
Colin:
That’s the chain that holds his cape on. He’s always had it.
He looks like Buckbeak.
(Who I’m pretty sure was also voiced by James Earl Jones.)
A chair that does that.
Basically we find out the same thing we found out three times already – Luke will come to them and then the Emperor will kill him or turn him. Same shit. Only now we get the question of whether or not Vader’s judgment is clouded.
Colin:
This is Palpatine in a nutshell. “Yes, I know.”
They find the wreckage, but no Leia.
There’s only one way to eat a brace of coneys.
Just like the Boxer Rebellion.
Colin:
I hate all of this.
And from the looks of it, there’s no… Endor, in sight.
YEAH, R2!
No idea why he has that, but I actually like this gadget.
Well that served no purpose. And yet… I’m glad it wasn’t longer.
(Said all of our girlfriends.)
“Oquizi Ohcha!”
(Can I get a t-shirt that says that?)
That would be my reaction too. “Are those fucking teddy bears?”
Han wants to fucking shoot them.
I don’t blame him.
I love that face. I want to shoot them too.
And they’re all bowing to 3PO. Of course they are.
Did he say, “Shikaka”?
The only thing missing from this scene is “THE CLAWW!!!!!”
He speaks Wachootoo.
George watches a lot of Disney.
But actually.
Colin:
The Ewok village is totally Tree Top Town from the Donkey Kong Country game for SNES.
It’s like they’re the fucking Lost Boys or something.
I’m gonna say this as nicely as I can – but what the fuck IS this?
I‘m pretty sure even the most hardcore Star Wars fan couldn’t defend this. The most you can do is go, “Yeah… I know,” and skip past it.
I don’t think this is any way you can give this sequence a positive… Endor-sement.
This is fucking ridiculous. I’m glad he employed a bunch of dwarf actors, but come on, now.
Colin:
I hate all of this.
“I have a really bad feeling about this.”
That makes two of us.
You can tell a lot about this franchise’s films by when they use this line.
A fucking shaman? Really?
I dare you to try to defend this and not sound like an idiot.
And don’t you dare say “but they’re adorable.” That’s no excuse. Children under five are adorable, but they’re still dicks.
Colin:
So are pandas. I hate pandas.
His name is Toby!
Naturally they’re gonna eat Han. Because that’s what civilized people do.
I guess this means it’s the… Endor, of the road.
Did they braid her hair or something? Did they all sit in a row and do each other’s? They’re so primitive they’re gonna eat a motherfucker, and yet they have places for her to shower and be styled?
♫ “Scrub, scrub, scrub / rinse, rinse, here / And a couple of tra la las…” ♫
3PO tells them if they don’t free Han, Luke and Chewie, he’ll get mad and use magic to kill them.
But only because Luke makes him do that. He’s such a pussy that he doesn’t even want to do it.
Hooray, primitive people!
You have to love people who are so primitive they worship a machine but also won’t listen to it when it says it’s going to kill them all if they don’t listen to it.
Well that did it.
I love R2. That’s great. “You tie me up, I tase the SHIT out of you.”
Motherfucker you saw each other two hours ago!
Is he Larry David staring him?
There’s a Christmas card.
He’s telling stories around the campfire? Really? What the fuck are you doing, Lucas?
Colin:
The story scene is sort of interesting, but it raises questions. You can pretty much figure out what 3PO is saying based on the pantomime and sound effects, but seriously? You think a tribal culture that uses spears is going to have a word for “carbonite?”
This is the part where it seems clearly all about him owning the merchandising rights. With Empire he tried telling a story, and it was good. But here, it’s like, “I make money on whatever I put in here, so let’s put in what kids like, because kids will buy all this shit.” You know that’s what it was.
Harrison Ford is the only person with the correct reactions right now.
Apparently they’re now part of the tribe.
That’s all it takes, huh, a story?
“What the fuck?”
And now I remove the quotations and ask that question honestly.
And here it is.
“Leia, do you remember your mother, your real mother?”
“Just a little bit. She died when I was very young.”
I didn’t know you could have memories from THE SECOND you were born!
Colin:
Yet again, Lucas has changed things for the new trilogy. Unless Leia’s completely lying here about the mom thing – neither of them should remember their mother.
You can really see the cocaine in her face in this one.
She asks what’s wrong.
“Vader is here.”
And holy shit does he sound like Martin Sheen as he says that.
Colin:
“The buyahs ah theah.”
“He’s my father.”
“The Force is strong in my family. My father has it – I have it – and –”
“My sister has it.”
This is the creepiest scene ever. He just fucking stares at her for a good twelve seconds.
You know the first thing she thought of was, “… and I kissed him!” You know it is. Women reading this – tell me – wouldn’t that be the first thing you thought of? I’m not even being condescending, I know that’s the first thought you’d all have when this came up. If this was the other way around – wouldn’t even cross our minds. Only maybe after the fact as a sort of logistics thing. But women – I guarantee that’s the first thought you have when you hear you’re related to him.
What’s also great is that she’s like, “I’ve always known, in a way.” Really? Because you completely led him on for a good minute and even gave him the tongue.
And then he, after she says she’s always known, he says, “Well good, then you know why I have to go face him,” and she’s like, “What? No! Fuck that, run away!”
You know she said it like that, too.
“Why must you confront him?”
He says because he knows there’s good in him and he can turn him back over to the good side.
This mistake has gotten so many people killed.
Oh well, it’s not like I’m gonna miss him. Go ahead. Can’t make things any worse.
MOTHERFUCKER NOW YOU BOTH KNOW YOU’RE RELATED!
Colin:
Oh, whatever. It was on the cheek. Nobody died.
I don’t know… that branch looks like it’s about to catch fire. Somebody might die.
Wow, kind of ruins the moment when he makes that right. I thought he was gonna disappear into the darkness and just be gone. Gotta say I was disappointed when he started walking ACROSS the frame in the other direction.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
When did Han become Ron?
She just wants to be alone for a little while.
I’ll bet. Look at that weed cloud next to her.
See what I mean about being able to see the cocaine?
She says she can’t tell him why. Which – why not? You’re only gonna piss him off.
See? Now he thinks she’s got a thing for him.
Daddy just hit mommy at the dinner table.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hold me.”
Academy Award nominated screenwriter George Lucas, everybody.
This is kind of what Anakin’s head looks like when you take the helmet off.
Which reminds me — weird how he doesn’t suffer any brain damage.
Colin:
Doesn’t seem like an AT-AT would be of much use here.
George stopped trying. He ran out of ideas.
I love how he’s walking. He looks like a dude who’s tired from a hard day at work.
Luke turned himself in.
“That’s right. You think I’m scarred of you? I’m not scurred.”
Vader tells them to leave him alone with Luke. Which is great that none of them know the deal between the two of them.
His lightsaber.
Well, at least they frisked him.
This is great. The subtext here is pretty great.
And yet… Academy Award nominated screenwriter George Lucas.
“The Emperor has been expecting you.”
“I know, father.”
Colin:
That ‘father’ felt a bit much. I guess it was supposed to be like that, though.
Watch Prometheus again and let me know how clunky this scene feels to you.
Vader doesn’t like hearing his real name.
Luke says he knows there’s good in him.
Uh huh.
“That’s why you couldn’t destroy me. That’s why you won’t bring me to your Emperor now.”
I like that he’s turning his back on him. It really helps his argument that he’s disrespecting him with his words and his body language.
Okay, pal, why the mohaska?
Colin:
This is the moment I loved during this scene. Luke’s acting all cocky and trying to psychoanalyze Vader (having forgotten what Freud said about the Sith), and Vader just busts out the lightsaber REAL FAST. Luke’s watching out of the corner of his eye all nervous, like, “Touché, motherfucker…touché.”
“I see you have constructed a new lightsaber.”
Who is he, Pai Mei? Is that what a Jedi does all of a sudden?
Colin:
What, did you think you just bought these things at Space WalMart? There’s a whole thing you gotta do to get the crystals and make the lightsaber.
Make the space rocks disappear.
“There are only two things more beautiful than a good lightsaber – a Swiss watch or a woman from anywhere.”
Colin:
Ah, yes. Cherry Vader.
Nice moment.
“Come with me.”
Nice shot. Also nice moment for Vader. We can read into that posture.
Colin:
You hear lines like this all the time. “Come with me.” What does that mean? Where to? Popeyes? What are you supposed to do when you get there? Biscuits. The answer is biscuits.
“Obi-Wan once thought as you do.”
Colin:
Obi-Wan liked biscuits too.
He says he can’t disobey Palpatine. Some Dark Side morals and shit.
Luke says he knows he can’t do it.
Colin:
That’s gotta hurt, when your son calls you out for being a shit. Really anytime your children confront you for your shortcomings, it’s uncomfortable.
“It is too late for me, son.”
Great line. And great that James Earl Jones got to say it.
“Then my father is truly dead.”
“Why you little shit…”
*sigh*
(Which… if Vader sighs, would you be able to tell?)
Born on the Fourth of Telona.
I feel like these articles are just a series of Shiho going, “Oh my god, I got that reference.” But not in a positive way.
Colin:
And me noting that if you’re referencing what I think you’re referencing, you’d mean Melona instead.
I just meant that he’d hear the word “Telona” and know what it meant.
Honestly, take out the Ewoks and this is a much better movie.
This shot is great.
Colin:
Okay, now that the space battle is about to happen, I should discuss my priorities here. As a kid, I was most into the Endor battle, then pretty interested in the space battle and the least interested in Luke’s confrontation with the Emperor. I think it was about pacing and excitement. A lot of people who aren’t into movies and like cheap thrills probably think this way. But we’re better than them, which means we probably rank the scenarios the other way around now.
I’m most interested in Luke with the Emperor because it shows some character and ends up being a rare confrontation that isn’t decided with a straight fight. There’s a lot going on here. The space battle is still as cool as it ever was, particularly because of the surprises and because they’re in a tight spot until the shield can be deactivated. The stakes are high and we see some consequences. Plus, Lando. The battle on Endor…it’s mostly boring characters and comic relief being marginally competent as they fight alongside furry midgets. You REALLY want to try and elicit an emotional response to Ewoks getting killed? I don’t give a FUCK.
Love me some Millenium Falcon.
This motherfucker creeps me out.
What’s funny is that he’s clearly a Chinaman, too.
Colin:
Ah yes, Nien Nunb, Lando’s copilot. What a nasty thing to look at. He’s a smuggler, but later on – and I’m saying this just for Mike – he becomes the administrator for the spice mines of Kessel. Awesome. The joke of this character is that instead of coming up with a new language, they just got some Kenyan guy to speak an obscure tribal language that nobody would know.
Ackbar.
Colin:
Maybe I’ve lived in Japan too long, but Admiral Ackbar looks
sexydelicious.
Colin:
I’ve always been confused about how things work when someone says, “On my mark.” Cause sometimes they’ll tell someone to do something on their mark, and then say something like, “Three, two, one, mark!” But here, the admiral tells them to jump to hyperspace on his mark and Lando just punches it. Was that the mark? Doesn’t he have to say ‘mark’ again, or something?
The reason you make your mark is because you can’t read or write.
Good job, Colin. You just outed an illiterate.
Everybody be going into hyperdrive.
Colin:
It’s a minor thing, but have you noticed that every time there’s a jump to hyperspace, the camera is always pointing directly at where they’re going, so the star effect is coming from straight ahead? I’d like to see what it looks like out a side window or something. Just noticing.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part IV, and… you know… shit.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)
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