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Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002), Part II — “Mr. Binks Goes to Coruscant”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the second part of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - Title Card

We begin Part II at the Battersea Power Station, apparently.

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Or apparently at the Jedi temple.

Why does a temple need giant stone pillars like that?

Do they employ muezzins?

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Yoda tells Obi-Wan to find the bounty hunter.

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“Most importantly, find out who he’s working for. (Motherfucker.)”

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And what about Amidala?

(What about that fucking beard back there, Larry Charles?)

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Anakin will be protecting her himself.

Oh. Now I get why she said she didn’t need any protection.

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“Escort the senator back to her home planet of Naboo. (Motherfucker.) She’ll be safer there.”

Good thing you told me what her home planet was. I’m not sure I’d have gotten it otherwise.

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Anakin says she won’t go quietly. As the leader of the resistance. Windu tells him to go talk to Palpatine. So really this is all Samuel L. Jackson’s fault, isn’t it?

Colin:

So Anakin says here that she’s the leader of the opposition. It’s now clear (if you were paying attention to that throwaway line and put things together) that she’s against the Military Creation Act, which is supposedly meant to help relieve the Jedi. Now they’re saying that she must respect their judgment and leave with him just before the big vote? So let me get this straight – the huge vote is about to happen, and a positive result would theoretically benefit the Jedi most. And they’re deciding that the leader of the opposition is in too much danger and has to leave the planet in secret?

There is actually a case to be made here about the Jedi being sneaky bastards, although we know it isn’t the case. But since that’s eventually what Palpatine tries to push as a story later on, why didn’t George lock onto this and make it more than…nothing? Maybe it’s the beginning of some distrust between Padme and the Jedi that influences Anakin a bit? Seriously, I’m terrible at this plot shit, and I think I could have halfway fixed this movie if I’d been given the script in advance.

Now you know how I feel with a lot of movies.

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WHY DO WE NEED TO SEE THEM LEAVING IN EVERY SCENE?

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Here we go.

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We find out that Palpatine has been guiding Anakin.

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And Palpatine says some shit that’s thinly veiled as Dark Side shit. Once he controls his feelings, he will be invincible. He’s the strongest Jedi he’s ever seen, etc. etc. etc.

Colin:

It’s nice how Anakin enjoys getting his ego stroked so much that he’s never like, “Aw, that’s nice, but since you aren’t Force-sensitive, your predictions don’t mean shit.”

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I fucking hate how everything is computer generated in these movies.

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Also, I love how Yoda just floats like that. That’s awesome (and sad, because he’s not a puppet anymore).

Colin:

This CGI is so piss-poor that the guys walking in the other direction in the background are almost translucent.

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This is funny. Obi-Wan is nervous about Anakin getting his own assignment, and Yoda’s like, “Nah, the council knows what it’s doing.” Really? The same council that didn’t want him to be a Jedi ten years ago?

Obi-Wan says Anakin is cocky. Yoda says, “Yeah… that’s a pretty common trait around Jedi nowadays. Especially older ones.”

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“Yeah, all right, motherfucker, I get it.”

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“Remember, Obi-Wan, if the prophecy is true, your apprentice is the only one who can bring the Force back into balance. (Motherfucker.)”

Colin:

Let’s give Obi-Wan some time to MULLET over.

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Padme’s taking an extended leave of absence. Jar Jar is taking her place.

Mr. Binks Goes to Coruscant.

Colin:

The thought of Jar Jar Binks and Claude Rains in the same shot, or even in the same film, makes me want to throw up.

Holy shit, why would you do that? The fucking guy is an imbecile. Want to know how bad of a decision this is? This is what Jar Jar responds with when he finds out:

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“Meesa honored to be taking on this-a heavy burden.”

If your senator said that, how much confidence would you have in him?

Colin:

What the fuck is this scene? I can’t even.

“Meesa accept this with muoy muoy humility and—”

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Even she can’t stand it. She stops him and sends him on his way.

Colin:

Well, you couldn’t have picked a better stand-in than this interstellar mook.

I’m curious as to what she expects him to do and get done in her absence. Here she is – the LEADER of the resistance against something or other (it hasn’t been explained AT ALL yet), and she’s taking an extended leave of absence and is leaving walking racism to take her place. How would you feel, as a member of Amidala’s faction, if she left and put Jar Jar Binks in her place on the floor of the senate? A bumbling idiot who clearly has no idea what’s going on and can’t put together a coherent sentence. Does she realize what she’s doing? No wonder the Republic falls.

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Padme’s pissed. She hasn’t worked for a year to defeat the Military Creation Act to not be there when its fate is decided.

Finally we figure out what the fuck she’s trying to do, politically. 28 minutes into the movie.

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Colin:

Can we stop for a moment and acknowledge that her dumbass suitcase looks like a roof pod that would go on a 1998 Dodge Caravan? That fucking hateful lump of metal. You were a plague upon suburban America.

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Is that the three star or the five star?

(Also, Padme is totally the Bulma of this movie.)

Colin:

Agh, why’d you have to say ‘five star?’ Dodge’s logo was the Pentastar during the shitty years! Fuck you, Dodge!

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She want the dick.

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Anakin then says sometimes we have to do what we’re told.

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“Anakin, you’ve grown up.”

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Notice where her eyes are as she says that.

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Also – suitcases? Fucking really?

He then spouts some shit that clearly shows his Dark Side leanings.

(I just noticed the hair.)

“It’s not fair!” he says.

Yes… cry like a bitch. Crying like a bitch leads to laughter. Laughter leads to noogies. Noogies lead to hate crimes. Hate crimes lead to suicide. And maybe we can get out before we desecrate the remains of this franchise too much.

I love that she’s basically ten years older than him and isn’t calling him out for being a petulant child.

“Anakin – don’t try to grow up too fast.”

WHAT THE FUCK?! What is with her and this child shit? This bitch is into some illegal shit.

Colin:

She’s actually only got about four years on him. She was born in 46 BBY, he was born 41.9 BBY. They only seem to be that much further apart because she was queen when she was 13 (going on dead) and he was 9 — in the last film.

And also the fact that she was like, 17 in the first film and he was about 10. Storywise, sure… visually… creepy as all goddamn.

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“But I am grown up.”

I know he’s not gonna throw all the shit off the bed and fuck her right here, so this is a terrible line.

“You said it yourself.”

One of my most hated lines in all of cinema. It’s right up there with, “So what about you?” I tune all movies out when they use this line.

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“Please don’t look at me like that.”

Can’t you just feel the passion? All the emotion of a HAL 9000 sex scene.

Colin:

“Open your legs, HAL.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

She says it makes her feel uncomfortable when he looks at her like that.

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And this is how he responds.

Colin:

That’s exactly the face you should make when a girl tells you you’re making her uncomfortable. You know, if you’re a sociopath.

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Colin:

WAIT, and THAT’S how the scene ends?! With sociopath face?

Also, I wonder how much of this franchise is just shots of ships taking off and coming in for landing. I bet if we cut all that out, we could get these movies down to a trim 40 minutes each.

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Colin:

“Thank you, Captain!” What the fuck is this, a Walt Whitman poem?

So she’s leaving. She tells Rose Byrne to take good care of Captain Tennis Elbow. (I could also swear she says, “The threat’s on YouTube now.”)

(Because it kind of is.)

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“He’ll be safe with me.”

Oh, I bet he will, you dirty bitch.

Colin:

Why does everyone give creepy sex looks to one another? “He’ll be safe with me.” GLANCE.

Potential subtitle: “Why Does Everyone Give Creepy Sex Looks to Each Other?”

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WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CRYING?

Colin:

Isn’t that the chick who got blown up? Isn’t she dead? Is this some Sixth Sense shit?

The Sith Sense.

I see midichlorians.

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Natalie, I can’t take you seriously in that peacock helmet.

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Look at this creepy bastard.

Colin:

And now her ‘Jedi protector’ is doing the creepy sex looks again! What IS this?

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“Anakin, don’t do anything without first consulting either myself or the council.”

I can see it now…

“Kiss up and down her neck now, Anakin.”

“No, no. Stimulate the clitoris, you must.”

“Be mindful of your feelings, Anakin. Make sure she reciprocates once she finishes.”

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Rose Byrne looks like she’s high as shit and is actually seeing a peacock talking right in front of her.

(“We were somewhere around Coruscant, on the edge of the Repubic, when the drugs began to take hold.”)

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Anakin, what the fuck are you wearing? You look like The Man with No Name’s about to put up a dry wall.

Colin:

Is Anakin wearing this poncho thing as a callback to Luke’s in A New Hope (and I guess sort of in Return of the Jedi), or is it just that he’s trying to look like a space Mexican refugee? Obi-Wan’s robes look ridiculously billowy, too. Are we sure that’s not a Snuggie?

Please, anybody reading these articles, don’t drink and drive. Your blood alcohol is probably in the .2 range by now. And we’re only in Part II.

Also, that hug on the right might be more awkward than Voldemort and Draco.

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“Anakin, may the Force be with you.”

Oh man, now it looks like some lesbian shit is gonna go down over there.

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For some reason, all I’m thinking is A Fish Called Wanda.

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“Suddenly, I’m afraid,” she says, with the emotional resonance of an answering machine.

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Colin:

“Don’t worry, we have R2 with us!” 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*panties drop*

This is doubly creepy. R2 is just following them for no reason at all. It’s never really explained how R2 has managed to tag along after all these years. He does a good job during that escape at the beginning of the last movie, and then Padme commends him – which, no she doesn’t. Keira commends him. Padme just washes him off. And then Anakin takes a liking to him and flies with him in the ship, and then he goes off with Obi-Wan. There’s no reason why Padme should keep this droid around for ten years. It’s never explained, and he just is sort of there.

And what makes it creepy is that he’s clearly around with Leia’s mother and father, and not once does he mention this to Luke or Leia. Like, “Hey, I knew your mother,” to Leia, or, “Hey… your father… he’s the guy trying to kill you,” to Luke. What the fuck is that about?

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Just looking at that ship on the left, I automatically know what kind of voice it has.

Colin:

Baby droids! Maybe they’re the same ones from the Trade Federation ship in the first film.

Unaccompanied minors.

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“I do hope he doesn’t try anything foolish.”

“I’d be more concerned with her doing something than him.”

Explain this to me. What does Obi-Wan think he’s gonna try? Does he think he’s gonna try and fuck her? And what’s with Colonel Tuberculosis’s line? Does he think that Padme’s more likely to try to fuck him than he is to try to fuck her? Because from what I’ve seen, he’s overly creepy in a frat boy kind of way, and she’s pretty disgusted because he wants to fuck her and isn’t ten years old. These lines really don’t make much sense, and he should not be using them to get us to be amused at, “Oh man… she’s gonna take charge and fuck him,” because it seems like the only time she wants to do that is when she’s picturing him as an underage child.

Colin:

“I’d be more concerned about her doing something…than him.” First of all – you don’t know ‘him.’ And second of all, what the fuck is this exchange pertaining to? Do they mean that they might go off on some crazy adventure to find out who the assassin is together instead of remaining in hiding? They don’t mean sexual advances, do they? Do they? And in EITHER case, why do they both CHUCKLE afterwards?

Because this is apparently Uncle Fuck’s Chuckle Hut.

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George loves shots of shit taking off.

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Holy shit, is that a diner?

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Oh my god it is a diner!

That’s awesome!

Colin:

A 50s diner. On Coruscant. Why do people making movies feel the need to appropriate very real cultural staples into their own imagined universes? There comes a point when you just have to say enough is enough. The droid football game going on in the bar earlier? The comically awful announcers at the pod race? Why do we need these things? They’re things that make us go, “Oh yeah, that’s like what we have, only in space.” I can accept that there are humans, and I can accept them speaking English out of convenience, but when you just start grabbing at random stuff that doesn’t even necessarily make sense outside the US – that’s going too far.

Oh god. And the waitress is a stereotypical diner waitress, but a droid. Are you telling me that somewhere there’s a company that manufactures waitress droids?

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This is like the Blues Brothers.

And god DAMN, son, look at those titties.

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Sad Asian pilot.

I hope Obi-Wan orders four fried chickens and a Coke.

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He orders a cup of Jawa Juice.

I hate you, George Lucas.

Colin:

Jawa Juice. Fuck you, Lucas.

Yes, their coffee beverage is named after an insignificant and nomadic creature found on a planet that few in this universe have heard of, let alone been to. Sure, that sounds about right.

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Well that’s terrifying.

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So who’s taking over the cooking while he talks to him?

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Titties galore in this place. I like it.

Obi-Wan has that guy – whatever his name is. I wasn’t paying attention – tell him about the poison dart.

Which brings up some questions – who is this guy? Why can’t we learn more about him? He seems pretty great. He saw one of those while prospecting up somewhere before. He seems like an adventurous dude. Going around, climbing mountains, living in Alaska for three years. Now he’s working in a diner, because why not? He probably worked for some kind of government agency at one point, did a stint in the army – these are my favorite characters in movies. Though they almost never make it out alive. And if they do, they’re not in the movie much. Which sucks, because you want them to be in the movie more.

Colin:

So how does Obi-Wan randomly have an old buddy like this? Why would he randomly be into a diner like this? How did he get to know the cook and how he’s been around the galaxy a few times? I just don’t buy this friendship at all.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d be friends with this guy in a heartbeat. Sitting around a diner, talking about all the shit that goes on around the galaxy with some grizzly old alien while sipping on some Mos Eis-Tea? Sounds awesome. In fact, he’s probably one of the only characters we’ve met in the prequels so far that I’d want to just chill with – the other being Sebulba, I guess. But I still don’t like how they used him or what the fuck this scene is about. I could have bought it if Dex had said some shit like, “I ain’t seen you since Space ‘Nam!” or something like that.

(Mental note: Remake Space Jam as Space ‘Nam.)

That’s funny… then there actually would be the old “pie in the windowsill” trick.

Colin:

He says he was prospecting beyond the Outer Rim. Now I’m imagining an exact remake of Treasure of the Sierra Madre, but with this guy instead of Walter Huston. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that. Yes. Yes you would.

Not if Hayden Christensen was Bogie.

Though that reminds me of one of my favorite jokes that you made, which was about The Treasure of the Sierra Madre with Paulie Shore.

“Hey, Bo-dgie!”

They should cast Paulie Shore as the Tim Holt character along with this guy in that version.

But also, there’s another exchange here that’s interesting, which means Lucas completely glosses over it and rushes to the next thing.

The dude explains that the reason the droid analysis of the dart didn’t tell him what it was (Obi-Wan mentions this) was because they only look for symbols and not for the funny cuts on the side of the dart. He then says, “I should think you Jedi would have more respect for the difference between knowledge and wisdom.” (Also, for some reason, when he says the line, he pauses after “and” for a long time, laughs, and then says “wisdom.” It’s weird as hell.)

Colin:

Seriously creepy chuckle when Dex says, “I should think that you Jedi would have more respect for the difference between knowledge and…heh heh heh…wisdom.” If anyone ever chuckles that way at me, I’m shooting them in the gut under the table without hesitation. That’s a chuckle that tells you that shit is coming. And Obi-Wan’s just smirking at him. I guess he didn’t sense anything nefarious.

And then Obi-Wan says that “If droids could think, there’d be none of us here, would there?” And then they completely move on and ignore it.

Colin:

“Well, if droids could think, there’d be none of us here, would there?” You mean to say…”Why don’t they kill us?”

And it’s like, “Wait, that was actually the most interesting thing anyone has said in this entire movie. Because yes, that is what would happen.

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“Garcon… coffee!”

I seriously fucking love this place. This is a top five favorite scene of the prequels for me. And I’m not even talking about what actually happens in it. Because fuck that.

Oh, but yeah, he says shit is on Kamino, and it’s not part of the Republic.

Colin:

Okay, so these people are not part of the Republic. So do you have jurisdiction there?

They’re also really good at cloning there. Which… think about a noir. Any good noir. Do they blatantly spell out plot points in meetings like this? “Oh, it’s this planet. They do cloning there.” Shouldn’t it be, “This place called Kamino. I don’t know what goes on over there. It’s real hush-hush. I’d watch out if I were you. Don’t go sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.” This is one of those things where Lucas clearly isn’t interested in telling a story at all. He’s completely going through the motions.

Colin:

How can there be planets whose entire economies are based on cloning? I’m afraid I don’t get how that works. Is a galaxy of 100 quadrillion inhabitants really that short of citizens that a whole planet can make a living CLONING shit? And notice how he just says “cloners,” and Obi-Wan gets it, like that’s just a profession for a whole planet to have. I guess some planets want to grow up to be firefighting planets and others want to be doctor planets. This one’s a cloner planet.

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I don’t trust a library where the books glow.

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What’s up, space librarian?

(Isn’t it startling when you see humans in this movie?)

Colin:

Is this librarian Aunt May? I’m just gonna call her Aunt May.

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He looks for the place that dude told him about, being unfamiliar with it, but apparently it doesn’t appear on any maps.

Colin:

It’s not a system you’re familiar with? Well then I’m sure it couldn’t possibly exist. There are only 180 billion star systems in the galaxy and you learned them all in 1st grade like everyone else.

And the librarian says that if a planet doesn’t appear in their records, it doesn’t exist.

Well I guess you should just fucking go there, then.

Colin:

“If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist!” Damn, lady. Little extra cunt in your porridge this morning? Assertive young women are sexy as hell. Old women are just shitty about it.

Now you know she’s gonna go be a nightmare to this young padawan who probably has a book report due. “What’s that, young man? Don’t mumble! Shh! This is a library! People are trying to concentrate!” There’s a seriously fine line between a good librarian and simply something with which to weigh down any burlap sacks you want to sink in a lake.

You know what sucks?

By the way, this has nothing to do with Star Wars (unless the librarian is Judi Dench). I figured I’d just warn you all now.

Pretty soon, there won’t be libraries anymore. Not like, real libraries. Which means our chances to fuck a librarian are dwindling by the day.

That’s sad.

I think we’d all like to go to a library and find that sexy librarian (or, at this point, we’d all settle for okay librarian. As long as they had that glasses look and we could pretend they looked better outside the frumpy clothing) and bang them in the stacks.

And pretty soon, that won’t be a possibility anymore.

Norm

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R2’s stealing a piece of cake.

Also, again, how come these movies never show people eating real food? It’s always dessert shit.

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“They’re gonna lose me right after the bunker scene.”

Colin:

Don’t you love how this is the Star Wars equivalent of the back of a Toyota pickup truck, and yet they’re travelling in reasonable comfort and get hot meals? Also, how about how they’re all refugees going to Naboo, but instead of taking the time to get to meet some of the people who are seeking refuge on the planet she’s a senator for, Padme decides to stuff her face and flirt with Anakin.

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Colin:

Oh, you told her you dream about her. That’s always awkward. Unless you quickly follow it up with something like, “Oh yeah, it was like…uh…we were all just hanging around playing MarioKart 64, and I’m pretty sure you stopped by to pick up a textbook. But then we were in my elementary school, so it didn’t make sense anyway.”

Do people dream about other people anymore? I don’t think so. My dreams are either completely abstract or are movie scenarios. Not once have I had a dream that involved another person in the way he’s talking about it. I always assume when they say they were dreaming about someone, they mean either daydreaming or they thought about them while they were jerking off. Which…

Colin:

I have dreams with people I know in them almost every night. To the point where, I’ve stopped mentioning it, because it’s so frequent. If you’re in one of my dreams, that don’t make you special. But I have dreams with the most random acquaintances in them, and even in the dream, I’m like, “What the fuck are YOU doing here?” And 90 percent of the time, it’s the sort of person who, if I told them randomly, “Hey, you were in my dream last night!” they’d immediately start scanning for exits.

This scene is so awfully written. She says it must be lonely to be a Jedi and not be able to do shit. And he’s like, “Or be with the people I love.” Subtle. Real subtle. (Note: I’m trying real hard not to link to a picture of a giant dick going into an ass every time I say that. But I do want to maintain the last remaining shreds of my dignity as long as I can. That said… expect it by the time we get to Twilight.)

Apparently being in love is forbidden for Jedis. So I guess that does make them basically monks. (Or “half monk, half hitman,” right?) I like how after they got wiped out, they went all progressive and allowed Jedis to marry and shit.

Basically he’s not allowed to have possessions, he’s not allowed to love, and here I find out that Jedi are basically priests and lose any respect I ever had for them.

And also the little boy rape jokes are gonna go way up from here on out.

(Remember, it’s not rape if you use THE Force instead of force.)

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Weird how carpeting and suitcases go away once the Empire takes over.

Colin:

Aayla Secura! She’s the one sexting Obi Wan! 

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“And also the little boy rape jokes are gonna go way up from here on out,” said Mike, not ten seconds ago.

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The one kid in the green there ain’t doing SHIT. He’s just waving his light saber around.

Colin:

90 percent of the Jedi training we’ve witnessed in the prequels has been someone old telling someone younger to trust or use their feelings.

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This is disgusting. Now that I know that this is all a religion, this is fucking awful. They’re indoctrinating young children! That’s why they don’t want someone who’s over a certain age! They have the capacity for independent thought! Now that I know this, Anakin is the fucking hero of this franchise! You know how when a Republican zealot tells you you’re gonna burn in hell because you believe in things like basic human rights for everyone? THAT’S what the Dark Side is! I mean, granted, Palpatine is basically Nixon, but the other shit – I think Anakin was right to kill those kids.

Colin:

That monster thing in the middle…I don’t care if it is a child, nobody loves it.

Best thing I’ve ever heard someone shout at a player at a sporting event, “Hey, 33, your parents don’t love you!”

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Oh, but yeah, Obi-Wan wants to know about that planet.

Colin:

Did that tiny child just get the shades with the Force? There isn’t enough booze for me to finish this film.

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And Yoda busts out the Powerpoint to find this planet.

Colin:

Why the fuck is there randomly a map reader in this room? A map reader isn’t even something like a DVD player, which could be in any room.

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Big things have small beginnings.

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“It ought to be here.” He says some shit about how gravity is pulling the planets to that spot, but the planet is no longer there.

Colin:

How are you reading this “map?” They’re all identical points of light. How can you tell that gravity is pulling all the stars in the area to that spot? For that matter, why would the stars be pulled to that spot? Wouldn’t the planet be considerably smaller, and therefore be pulled much more BY the stars than it pulls the stars themselves?

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Naturally Yoda opens it up for questions to the five year olds, because what better thing to do than berate your former student when he asks you a question?

Colin:

Yoda’s asking them all this shit like he knows the answer. Does he? Or is he just pretending? I really don’t know. This should have been a scene where older students are practicing their meditation techniques to achieve clarity, which would make it more natural that one of them could come up with the fresh perspective. That would be a shit zillion times better than this.

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See, he knows it. He’s like, “Can’t you just tell me what it is without making me look like a fucking idiot?”

But yeah, Yoda says that someone erased it from the archive’s memory (actually, the five year old says it) and tells Obi-Wan to go there and check it out. Which – any semi-intelligent person would have said and done those exact same things in the last scene when he saw it on the map. You have a completely unnecessary scene that only exists to show children.

Colin:

So that’s the answer? Go to the center of gravity’s pull and you’ll find the planet? Wouldn’t that be the idea to begin with? Obi-Wan knew about the gravity before even asking this – I’m actually confused what he had to ask about if that was the answer that satisfied him.

Even if this were a noir (and I’m treating it like one, because it’s making it more interesting to watch), the dude would do research, go, “Hmm, that’s weird,” and then if there were another scene of him talking to a mentor, he’d go, “It’s weird… it’s like it’s not even there anymore. I think someone may have erased it from the archives. But why? I’m gonna go and check it out.” Because then it’s like, “Now you know, so if something happens, that’s where I went.” Here, it makes Obi-Wan come off as a fucking idiot. Of course someone erased it from the goddamn archives. Of course you should go there. Did you really need a fucking child to tell you that? It’s weird, because Lucas is the one putting these words in Obi-Wan’s mouth and Lucas is the one berating him with the child answering the question for him. It makes no sense, and once again makes Lucas come off as a huge dick who is hell bent on ruining anything we liked about these characters.

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LITTLE ASIAN JEDI!

Yoda also says that only a Jedi could have erased the files. Which makes it a very disturbing mystery to him.

Lot of really unimportant mysteries going on in this movie.

Also, no it’s not. Remember when you said that Count Dooku used to be a Jedi? Remember when you said that Darth Maul was well-trained in the Jedi arts? Maybe they did that shit years ago and nobody realized it because it’s a tiny fucking planet in a tiny system.

Colin:

Hmm. Only a Jedi could have erased those files. Who were we just talking about who was a Jedi before but isn’t anymore and is now under suspicion for attempted assassination? Oh, is it a bad time to ask logical questions? You just go ahead and meditate.

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It’s Naboo. (With music from the movie Hook, it sounds like.)

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Even though they’re entirely computerized, these shots would look much better if there weren’t shit constantly flying and moving into and across the frames.

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I love watching R2 walk up stairs.

Colin:

Holy shit! This is a first! R2’s doing stairs! Look!

Also – fuck you, with those suitcases.

Oh, right… and here’s what Padme says as they walk up the steps.

“I wasn’t the youngest queen ever elected.”

Which… I don’t have to say anything there, right? Please don’t tell me I need to say anything about that sentence. I’m gonna turn into Lewis Black if I keep going.

“But looking back on it, I’m not sure I was old enough.”

WELL FUCKING RIGHT YOU WEREN’T OLD ENOUGH! Let’s just take a second to ask… why did they elect you in the first place? I’m gonna let the whole “queen being elected” thing slide, because I don’t even want to get into that fucking Ouroboros of Awful (™). What fucking planet would go, “She’s only like 16, let’s make her queen!”? What kind of fucking elections do you people have? And you know she was probably up against some 75 year old woman, and people were like, “She’s not even gonna make it through a single term.” (Which – she’s a fucking queen – why is she given a term? This is going to kill me. I’m telling you now, these prequels are going to fucking kill me.)

I don’t understand how a girl of 16 is made a queen through any method that isn’t lineage-based. In what democratic system is a 16 year old given power to rule an entire planet?! (Note: I just looked it up… she was THIRTEEN when she became queen! What the fuck?!!) You’re telling me people are going to a thirteen year old to talk about Trade Federation shit and that not only she, but her fucking HANDMAIDEN, can deal with this shit? I’m completely baffled as to what’s going on with this. No wonder the Republic is falling. You have thirteen year olds in charge of entire planets who apparently are elected to be that way for a given amount of time. It’s fucking chaos.

What’s hilarious about this scene is how blatantly it throws in exposition that should have been given… oh, about 30 minutes ago.

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She was relieved as queen after her two terms. (Again, someone should tell George that’s not how “Queen” works.)

Colin:

Isn’t that…not how being a queen works? How does a queen have terms?

And apparently the people loved her so much, they wanted to amend the constitution to allow her to run for another term. (As queen. I want you all to keep this in mind at all times. She is a queen. And they have a constitution. And the people are giving her supreme power to rule them. But only for two terms. And she abides by these rules. Even when the people do not want her to.) And the new queen (Queen Juwanna Mann) asked her to be senator now instead. So now we have a 23 year old senator. Which is better. I guess that’s how that other dude ended up working in a fucking diner. You just Benjamin Button your way into power in this place.

Doogie Howser, Child Queen. What the fuck?

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Ah, the throne room. Every time I see this, I think we’re gonna get a briefing about operation Thunderball.

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Holy shit, Queen Juwanna Mann is an Indian.

Dot, not feather.

Colin:

Indian queen. Mmhmm.

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Is he wearing a dickey over his duster?

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So how does this work? Everyone has to stand up for the queen, but a former queen – does she have to stand? I figure she does it out of respect, but can she not stand up for the queen and be like, “Fuck you, I did that shit first. I’m not standing up for her”?

Colin:

I like how she clearly doesn’t refer to her as ‘Your Highness.’

Aw, isn’t democracy grand.

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Oh, and then as they leave, one of the guys asks what Anakin thinks, as a Jedi. And Padme’s like, “Nah, he’s just a padawan, he’s no Jedi yet.” And Anakin’s like, “Now now now, hang on just a minute… I still have opinions.”

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Aww… their first fight.

Colin:

They have a lovely fight in which Anakin makes an ass of himself yet again and the queen proceeds to rub salt in the wound.

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Correct.

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He’s gonna Chris Brown her one day.

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“Perfect. It’s settled then.”

What’s settled then? Why did this need to be here? Why are you doing this in every scene, Lucas? Every scene doesn’t need a fucking ribbon on the end of it.

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Seriously, when you watch these prequels again, I want you to watch how many scenes end just past the point where they need to end and have a wrap-up line of dialogue in them and have people leaving a room. It’ll astound you.

Colin:

How can we get this film more off the rails? Seriously, it’s like they started out by asking, “Hey, where are the rails? Over there? Okay, good,” and then wemt full speed in the exact opposite direction. I hate a lot of The Phantom Menace for its bad dialogue and stupid plot, but this is both stupid AND convoluted. It’s hard to really say which is worse.

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That’s pretty cool. An outer ship to… I guess, help you go faster, and you just leave it there as you go ashore. I don’t really know what it’s purpose is, but I like it in theory.

Colin:

I really like the idea of this external hyperdrive that goes on Obi-Wan’s Delta-7. He’s got a teeny little ship that’s too small to have a hyperdrive in it, so they hook one up. This is like how in WWII, our fighters would use drop tanks so they could escort bombers all the way to their targets – and once the enemy showed up, they’d jettison them to fight. The only thing that sucks here is how they have to back out of it and fly through. It’d be so badass if they showed up for a fight right out of hyperspace and just launched out of their hyperdrive docks.

This ship is pretty cool, too. I like the look of the Delta-7. It gets replaced in the next movie by the Eta-2, which is the forerunner of the TIE series. You’ll see that at the beginning of the film. The clone troopers are flying ARC-170s, which have the S-foil and end up being an ancestor of the X-Wing. The Empire and their TIE series are a lot like Japan in WWII – focusing on light, unarmored, agile fighters instead of larger, bulky, superior fighters. That worked out really well for them at first, but…not for long.

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What the fuck is on your head? Cerebro?

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Oh, I love rain.

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And lightning.

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I love how every planet we see has exactly the right type of different topography. The cloud plant, the desert planet, the water planet, the city planet – they’re all exactly what we haven’t seen yet.

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This is kind of like The Ghost Writer.

(Please, everybody, see that movie. Don’t even look up what it is if you don’t know. It’s fucking awesome.)

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What the fuck is that thing?

Colin:

What the fuck is that thing? Looks like someone stretched Armstrong a little too far.

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They’ve been expecting him.

If something like that says it’s been expecting me, I assume I’m dead on the spot.

Or that I’ve taken WAYYY too much acid.

Colin:

Do they have ESP? Why didn’t they radio to him or something, and tell him where to land? This seems to be the person who’s supposed to greet him, and she’s right there as soon as he walks in the goddamn door from what I assume is one of HUNDREDS of landing pads in this settlement, which also has several separate clusters of buildings. How convenient.

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Cool doors.

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The prime minister. He looks like one of the creatures from Signs.

Colin:

Hah. Some Prime Minister. Ain’t even got a desk.

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The minister says they’re on schedule. 200,000 units are ready with a million more coming.

Apparently a Jedi commissioned a clone army to be built ten years ago and was killed. It was for the Republic.

Obi-Wan pretends like he knows all about this shit.

Colin:

I love it when people just go along with shit in a conversation. Although, let’s be honest about what’s really happening here. Ewan McGregor’s talking to a green screen.

That also might be a subtitle for the prequels. Since it’s basically the same with Anakin.

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And now Obi-Wan’s going to inspect the units. (Again, walking out of the room at the end of the scene.)

Colin:

Okay, so we find out that this army was ordered for the Galactic Republic years ago by a guy who happened to be a Jedi and who was murdered at about that same time. Interesting.

That Jedi’s old man runs the Hibernian liquor mart, too.

Colin:

We’re not here to solve the case of the missing scumbag, we’re here to nail the Sith. We also know that the creation of just such an army is up for a vote any day, conveniently coinciding with the completion of the army itself. Okay, so we should be able to guess that at this point that the army or something surrounding it is a key factor in the power plays going on. That makes it VITAL for us to know who is in favor of the act and who is against it.

I don’t even think we need that. All Obi-Wan needs to do is show up at the senate and say, “This thing already exists. Someone went ahead and did this before any form of authorization. Something’s going on.” And then you postpone the vote. Whoever is for or against it — it doesn’t matter, because this shouldn’t exist. Inaction and meditation is the ruin of the Jedi. And the Republic.

Colin:

We know that Padme is pretty much against it, but that’s all. This is where George could have made things better in a few very simple ways. Make Palpatine come out against the act instead of being so neutral at the moment. He should side with Padme and promise to do right by the opposition while she’s in hiding. Then, the same events unfold with the Separatist threats and he’s unable to stop the approval of the Military Creation Act – the whole point is to make him appear NOT to be all-powerful by having him (as Sidious) orchestrate a bigger threat than he (as Palpatine) can convince the Senate to ignore.

This goes back to my comment earlier about more political stuff. It makes the Palpatine angle more interesting and makes the films better. Fuck the pod races.

Colin:

We find out that the clone army has been completed, and that there’s a Jedi’s name on the receipt. This casts doubt on the Jedi’s motives, especially when they take it as a matter of course that they will command the army in battle (which they do). Then you can wrap it up however you want. Pull a Lincoln and announce to the Galactic Senate that a peace accord is within reach, but under terms that the Jedi would disagree with. Their desire to continue the war – noble though it may be – then becomes easily mistakable for a power-grab. When the Jedi try to exercise their rights as a semi-autonomous organization, Palpatine can then call them out on their devious ambitions and take control of the army with emergency powers. See how much better that works as a potential plot instead of just killing the Jedi and telling everyone after the fact that these guys that we’ve trusted completely to fight and die for us were actually really bad guys, without offering any plausible evidence?

Yeah, I like my way better. It has Palpatine better disguised as a good guy, actually portrays the Jedi in a plausibly negative light within the Galactic Senate and doesn’t require Jar Jar Binks to establish the Emperor.

I do like your way better. I guess things like this require something less than an Academy Award nominated screenwriter.

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Costa del Sol?

(Or, for the people who don’t get that… Little Mermaid?)

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So he did see Venice…

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You think they’re still sweating Mathis inside?

Colin:

I will go there one day. Mark my words.

I guess I have your word.

Legolas:

And my bow.

Gimli:

And my axe.

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I’m already telling you this is the best part of the movie, because everything I see was not made by a computer. (Maybe color corrected by one, but that’s acceptable.)

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Padme tells some story about some weird shit she did on the beach as a child.

Colin:

I bet you did, bitch.

It’s a really long and pointless story.

Colin:

We get it, Padme. You’re from paradise. Go ahead rub some more salt (sand?) in Anakin’s wounds from having been born a slave in a sandbox.

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“I don’t like sand. It’s course, and irritating…”

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“And it gets everywhere.”

Quentin Tarantino, eat your heart out. Aaron Sorkin, you might as well kill yourself, because neither of you will ever write dialogue as good as this.

Colin:

Possibly the worst line in the history of cinema. And that includes The Room. That’s a movie that’s so bad you’re captivated by the dialogue. This is sincere but not bad enough to be good.

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Why are you so fucking creepy, Anakin?

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And why are you so turned on by that?

Colin:

Oh boy. Across the Stars. Admittedly, not a bad song. But I have to hate it because of what it represents.

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That might be the most awkward kiss in movie history. Holy shit.

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“No.”

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“I shouldn’t have done that.”

Ah… back to monotone. I saw a glimmer of expression there for a second.

Colin:

What is this, Victorian England? You kiss, stop, apologize and go back to looking at the lake? That’s a SCENE?

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Welcome to the Desert of the Real.

But actually, though.

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They modeled them all after Django Fett.

So, let me get this straight… this motherfucker has millions of clones modeled after him, gets paid a shit ton to live on this planet, and also has his own clone of himself?

That’s awesome.

Colin:

For having been genetically modified to be made nicer, these guys still look like assholes.

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Colin:

Why is the prime minister of the whole planet also doing walk-around tours for a single customer? I really doubt the scale of their operation. Who else are they selling to? Where are the rest of the Kaminoans? Is it just these two? Could it be that this guy’s only prime minister cause it’s his turn on odd-numbered months?

They should be called Kaminions.

That’s another good point, though. Is the entire planet working for the “Jedi” these past ten years? One order at a time? Or do they have lots of orders to be fulfilled?

Clone Mart.

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Stormtroopers!

Which… really? That’s the idea now, that Stormtroopers are all clones? Is that why they’re all so goddamn stupid?

They should have modeled them all after Michael Keaton.

Colin:

But we’ve got his name now – Jango Fett. And we know he has an unaltered clone, so that’ll be Boba Fett. And we just got our reveal with all of them in the Stormtrooper uniforms. So there goes the franchise, you should have it basically all pieced together by now unless you’ve been doing vodka and cough syrup.

But the catch-22 is you need the vodka and cough syrup to make it through this fucking thing.

Also, can I just mention how much I hate that Boba Fett is now a clone?

It completely takes the father/son aspect out of this and eliminates any kind of dramatic effect there’s supposed to be later on.

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Wow, even this CGI I can accept, because it looks all right.

Colin:

So everywhere on this planet looks like it needs a David Attenborough voiceover. Something tells me any beauty here is lost on the 12 people that live on the planet that we’ve ever seen.

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The picnic is completely stupid, though.

Colin:

Wow. They’re having a picnic (I hope you get fucking Lyme disease).

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Anakin wants her to tell him. She asks if he’s gonna use his Jedi Mind Tricks to find out.

Wait… what? What’s going on?

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“All right. I was 12, his name as Paolo, we were both in the legislative youth program.”

Wait, WHAT?!!! No fucking way she just said that!

“He was a few years older than I was…”

Oh great, so statutory rape was involved.

This is so fucked up. She’s talking about losing her virginity BEFORE she was queen.

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And apparently he went on to become an artist and she never saw him again. Which is weird, since, as queen, wouldn’t you be able to make him fuck you?

Colin:

They’re discussing their first loves? That’s awkward, because Anakin doesn’t have one besides her.

Are we counting pods?

Colin:

Also, she was in the some Legislative Youth program or something. What the hell is that? She went to summer camp to be a politician? And like two years later she was the QUEEN? Is that REALLY how this shit works? She was ELECTED as queen at age 13. I got nothing.

Pretty much everything you need to know about the Star Wars prequels can be summed up with the line, “Padme Amidala was elected queen at the age of 13.”

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And then they talk politics. I am not making this up.

Colin:

He likes two or three politicians, but he’s not really sure about one of them. IS IT PALPATINE? I SURE HOPE YOU MEAN PALPATINE.

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Subtle, George. With the earmuffs. Real subtle.

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Oh, and Anakin basically says that a dictatorship is a good idea to make sure shit gets done. It’s hilarious how he’s basically Ayn Rand and no one even questions it. Dude supports a dictatorship and has anger issues – there’s art involved – do we really have to wait for him to write a book before we start seeing some trends?

Colin:

So let’s get this straight. He doesn’t quite understand what a democracy is, and then suggests a dictatorship in its place. She takes it as a joke, and he just goes with that? How is this relationship real? This is one of those things you probably want to have a serious talk about eventually. It’s like how I could never be with a Republican. So even if some chick said in a teasing voice that she voted for Romney, I would stop laughing and tell her I want the truth. And then I’d probably stare at her intensely whenever she wore red for the next several months. And then later when it came out that she was a Republican but had been hiding it because of her love for me, I’d reflect on how sweet that was as I threw her belongs out onto the sidewalk at her.

But anyway, back to Anakin trying to get Padme all Ayn randy.

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“Oh, Anakin… your rants about inferior races just slay me!”

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Right?

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Oh my god, I didn’t even get to this shot before I said that. That’s awesome.

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Well, I guess I have to go different this time.

(Right, though?)

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Honestly I don’t think that thing appreciates what you’re doing at all.

Colin:

What the shit kind of animal is this and why is it that shape? I think it’s safe to say Lucas is an ass man.

It’s certainly not a tumor.

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I think we’ve passed even Roger Moore territory.

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This is great. He falls off and doesn’t get up and Lucas thinks we all don’t know exactly what’s about to happen.

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“Oh my god I got you! I pretended like I was dead and I wasn’t!”

We’ll see what happens in the next movie when she plays that same joke.

Anakin:

NNNOOOOOOOO!!!

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Right?

Colin:

Really? After saying you shouldn’t have kissed, now you’re rolling around in ze hay and straddling him?

OKAY SERIOUSLY PEOPLE WE PICKED THE EXACT SAME FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO TO LINK TO.

I really hope you’ve all finished an entire fifth right now. That… is fucking incredible.

To give you all an actual representation of how amazing that is —

I started doing the synopsis for this movie on April 8th. Colin sent me the notes for this part of the movie on June 8th.

We watched this scene two months apart, and did not compare ANY notes about it (save that giant rant in Part I), at all.

And not only did we make the exact same joke at this exact same moment, but we linked to the exact same youtube video (look at the link).

Goddamn, that’s amazing.

Colin:

We been in this game too damned long.

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Honestly, if they actually had full on hardcore sex right now it would actually make me give this movie a halfway decent review. I’d be like, “It started slow, and the ending was complete garbage, but that scene of them fucking for twelve minutes with complete penetration shots and him finishing on her chest was an amazing centerpiece.”

She even looks like she thrusts a little bit during this shot.

I guess that’s what would be known as a… Na-booty call.

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Are we going to destroy a horcrux? What’s going on?

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Well damn.

Colin:

In this sterile, digital wonderland, you’re telling me they ride on the backs of amphibious pterodactyls between buildings? Yeah, that makes a shit ton of sense. Also, is Obi-Wan scrunched up in that pod thing behind the seat? Is that what that is?

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This is actually underwater Cloud City.

Colin:

So…going for Cloud City, obviously.

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Also, George loves these types of shots, doesn’t he?

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It’s Boba Fett.

Kinda wish we hadn’t seen him.

Because now we know he’s not a real kid but rather a clone. I’d have liked it a lot better if he was just his son and was going out to avenge his father. That makes more sense. This way, it’s just stupid. Now it’s all just one person and there’s no drama at all. There’s no emotion behind it. He’s just a clone.

I said this all before, but I’m going to say it again and again. Because seriously — why, George? Why?

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‘Spicious.

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Django.

Colin:

Just trying to make your way in the universe? There are several million clones of you that are going to decide the fate of the galaxy, and you’ve been paid a fucking fortune for what was probably a single hair off your head for DNA extraction.

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They have a really subtle (in the George Lucas sense) conversation, where Obi-Wan practically Larry David stares Django into finding out whether or not he was the one who set up the hit on Coruscant.

Django hasn’t heard of whatever the fuck Jedi supposedly commissioned the clone army.

Colin:

Imagine having an exact copy of yourself like that. I guess you have to imagine what you would be like if you had been raised by yourself. I can’t help but to think that it would just amplify everything about you – if you were an ass, it would make you more of an ass. If you were a goodie two-shoes, you’d be even more insufferable. But this kid is even more shifty than his dad. Maybe it’s just the actor, but Jango seems more reserved about his shiftiness. He’s shifty, but he’s quiet about it. Young Boba’s like, “Yeah! Being shifty! Let’s kill people!”

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Just in case you weren’t sure.

Colin:

Oh, speaking weird languages to your kid while there are people present? Your kid speaks ENGLISH motherfucker. I don’t know what country you think this is, but in America we speak ENGLISH. Oh, you say this isn’t America? I don’t see a flag, so I’m claiming it for America.

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He was recruited by a man named Tyranus. (On a mule named…?)

Colin:

Now why would someone walk two full paces to get right up in your face just to tell you that they had no idea what you were talking about? That’s the universal sign for, “I know what you’re talking about.” And I say ‘universal sign’ cause it should apply even beyond the Outer Rim.

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Is that seriously all she’s eating?

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All… right.

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That was CGI as hell.

Colin:

I have no idea what the purpose of this scene is. Padme’s eating a space pear. That’s it. Anakin cuts it for her because who fucking knows. I think if I put any more thought into this scene it would just be a confirmation to myself that I’m deeply in need of therapy.

And yet… who needs more scenes with Palpatine, right?

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Aww, sookie sookie now.

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Boobies!

Na-boobies!

I also love how awkward it is between the two of them in this shot. It’s like, you’re on a fucking couch in front of a fire… what the fuck do you think the vibe is?

Oh, wait, hold on, it’s about to get good…

Colin:

How awkward is it that they’re just sitting in front of the fire with the light playing on her titties for like 10 seconds before the shitty dialogue starts?

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“From the moment I met you, all those years ago, not a day hasn’t gone by when I haven’t thought of you. Now that I’m with you again, I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you – I can’t breathe.”

People will say it was the third degree burns on 90 percent of his body that did it, but now we know what really did it.

Natalie Portman turned Hayden Christensen into James Earl Jones.

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“I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me.”

I truly don’t give a fuck about what’s being said right now. I’m seriously just staring at her chest.

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“My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You iron my very soul, tormenting me. And I do – I will do anything that you ask.”

Oscar clip.

How come they didn’t get Franco for this?

Colin:

Now SHE’S got Cerebro on!

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“If you are suffering as much as I am, please tell me.”

Do I get a vote?

Colin:

 Anakin just begged for sex. That’s all that can be said about it. The rest of this dialogue…sounds like the Reader’s Digest version of 50 Shades of Shit.

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And then she says they can’t and all that. And then says, “We live in a real world.”

That’s a questionable statement at best.

Colin:

How funny is it that Natalie Portman had to sit there and listen to this dialogue? You like to think she’s a decent actress with a good sense of what’s quality and what isn’t.

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“We live in a real world. Come back to it.”

OH SNAP! She just served yo ass, son!

(I don’t even know what that means.)

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 498

A HA HA HA HA HA HA.

She literally is like, “You’re studying to become a Jedi… I’m a senator… it just wouldn’t work.”

Holy shit, this is hysterical.

You know that moment in Die Hard when Bruce Willis asks Reginald VelJohnson what’s going on, and he says, “They’ve got the universal terrorist playbook, and they’re running it, step by step”?

George Lucas has the universal screenwriting playbook, and he’s running it, step by step.

She won’t let him throw away his life for her.

Colin:

Neither senators nor Jedi are allowed to love, apparently. Dex is the only one in this whole movie getting ass, probably. And he looks like a handsomer Michael Moore.

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“You know… we could keep it a secret.”

Right, because Yoda can’t read your thoughts.

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“We’d be living a lie.”

Pretty sure not telling anyone something isn’t the same as lying. You’re just not broadcasting the information.

Colin:

“No, you’re right. It would destroy us.” Gee, thanks, Freddy Foreshadowing!

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This is the first time I’ve seen a legitimate reason for Jedis to have hoods.

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Rain is awesome.

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Obi-Wan tells them about everything.

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This conversation looks hilarious from their end.

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“Do you think these cloners are involved in the plot to assassinate Senator Amidala? (Motherfucker.)”

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Yoda tells him some bullshit and tells him to bring Django to them.

He says that he thought that Sifo-Dyas guy was dead before the order was placed. He wants to know if anyone did this from the Jedi council.

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“No. Whoever placed the order did not have the authorization of the Jedi council. (Motherfucker.)”

Yoda says they’re blind if they couldn’t see the creation of this army. (You’re telling me.)

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 510

“I think it is time we informed the Senate that our ability to use the Force is diminished. (Motherfucker.)”

Colin:

Okay, so I’m just skipping everything that just went down, because they miss everything that was important about the new plot developments. How appropriate that Yoda begins the post-call dialogue with the words, “Blind we are…” But he adds an ‘if’ after it like he thinks they’re actually SEMI competent.

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Jerking off.

(Thinking about his mother, too. Just like Harry.)

Colin:

Oh for fuck’s sake. I can’t even make jokes anymore. That’s how bad this is. He’s moaning about his mother in his sleep. And that’s the whole scene! What’s with these scenes that last no more than a minute? I think that’s honestly how long Lucas’ attention span is. Or he thinks that if he stretches out one scene too long, we’ll forget what’s going on in the other plots, and so forget what we’re supposed to remember. This movie is a string of dozens of mini scenes that are horribly written, if mercifully short, punctuated by agonizingly long and mostly boring action sequences that are just to show off the visual effects.

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Why are your legs spread so far apart?

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Well hello.

(Sex hair.)

Colin:

Damn, girl. Trying to start a fire wit dis morning wood?

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She heard him jerking off.

Apparently his mother is suffering and he has to leave.

Colin:

You call her ‘Senator’ now? What?

He says he doesn’t have a choice about it. She says she’ll go with him.

Colin:

You don’t have a choice about what? You don’t have a choice about whether or not to help your mother? Or are you referring to Padme coming with you? Cause if it’s the former, yes, you have a choice. And if it’s the latter, apparently SHE doesn’t have a choice. So I’m still lost. What the fuck are you talking about?

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JETPACK!

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Two guns!

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Dude, just get on the fucking ship. His kid is in there.

(Well, kid… you know what I mean.)

Colin:

Remember how in The Phantom Menace, they could deflect lasers right back at the target? I guess that doesn’t happen anymore. Jango’s like…too good or something.

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Well he should be dead.

Colin:

Okay, Obi-Wan’s been fucked up like 14 times now by that missile and the lasers from Slave I. How does he get up without even any burns on his robes?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 528

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Or, that.

Colin:

FUCKING FLYING KICK! YEAH!

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Colin:

These kicks are suddenly so much more interesting than laser and lightsaber combat.

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Colin:

Where are all the Kaminoans during all this? There’s a Pink Floyd show going on out on the landing platform, but they don’t turn up.

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I love the double choke.

This is what it looks like when Pokémon run out of moves.

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Colin:

Another jump kick. Goddamn.

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Gee… I wonder which movie this reminds me of…

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He knows how you’re gonna get these scars.

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Batman Begins.

Or maybe Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Who Am I?

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You lose. Good day sir.

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Colin:

How fake does that look when Obi-Wan swings over to the platform?

There’s even a little fucking sound effect as he does it, like when they toss the bullet in Black Dynamite. What the fuck, man?

At least Luke got to hang on by sheer luck. There’s no danger in these movies. This was my problem with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. You never feel the stakes. Remember in Empire when Luke fell? You felt like that motherfucker almost died. This is just going through the motions.

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Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 555

This shot led to the creation of one of my favorite gifs of all time:

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I love how he made it just in time for them to take off.

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And that his light saber was just waiting to come back to him.

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There you go… throw rocks at it.

Colin:

Nice throw.

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Oh, it was a tracking device.

Who gives a fuck, really?

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This is where we’ll END PART II. Because you all should be so drunk you’re ready to pass out.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and (tease Part III).

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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