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Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002), Part IV — “This Movie Is Kind of Like The African Queen. Only Shitty.”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the fourth part of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - Title Card

We begin Part IV on Geonosis, with Anakin and Padme captured for god knows what reason and taken to god knows where for god knows what.

You’ll understand why that’s there in a minute.

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I don’t like these bugs.

Colin:

I hate that there’s a whole bug planet. Someone should tell the frog and bird planets.

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“Don’t be afraid.”

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“Fuck you, nigga, I’ll feel how I want.”

Oh, but actually, what she really says may be funnier.

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“I’m not afraid to die. I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.”

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“I love you.”

This might be the single worst executed romance in movie history.

Colin:

Thank you, Anakin, for summarizing one of the worst scenes in this franchise for us one more time, just in case we weren’t still having nightmares about it.

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This is amazing. Anakin’s like, “But what about all that BULLshit you said before?” and she’s like, “Meh.”

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“I truly, deeply love you.”

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Right?

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This movie is kind of like The African Queen. Only shitty.

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Wow, this is blatantly CG.

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You think George liked Gladiator?

Colin:

Okay, if this doesn’t scream Gladiator to you…you haven’t seen Gladiator. And if you haven’t seen Gladiator, what the fuck is wrong with you?

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What the fuck is THAT face about?

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Are you fucking kidding me?

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Anakin explains the situation and how they decided to rescue Obi-Wan.

“Good job,” he says.

Colin:

Correct answer.

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Of course he talks via clicks. Of course he does.

Colin:

Oh no. The bugs speak an African click language.

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There’s only one thing to look at in this shot.

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Colin:

Here come the Legionnaires of Scipio Africanus!

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Ah, they have a rancor.

Colin:

That looks like someone bred a Tauros with a Groudon.

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I love how all these CG creatures always have to walk forward, then shout like that. It’s always right when they get into frame, never at any other time. It’s like they know that their entrance music has hit and they’re coming out on stage.

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What the fuck is that thing? No… no… that’s not okay. Kill that thing before it gets to the children.

Colin:

And that’s a Xenomorph that popped out of Shelob.

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Colin:

And the Ratcupine.

Not gonna lie.. with a few less eyes, that thing would be adorable.

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Right?

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“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

YOU DON’T SAY IT NOW! You say it before you get in here. And then when we see the shit, it’s like, “Yes, my hunch was correct.”

Colin:

How many times has someone had a bad feeling about something? I think Lucas must say that all the time. “Okay, I’m going to the bathroom. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” You can tell people’s speech mannerisms by what goes into their creative writing. You might guess from these articles that I’m the kind of guy who drops F-bombs a lot. You would be right. You might also guess that Mike’s a Puerto Rican. No comment.

I also like how she’s eating away at her wrists right now.

Colin:

I like how her shirt’s so tight, it’s probably from Baby Gap. Which, Anakin’s thinking about her baby gap now.

It’s not just him.

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It would be great if she just stripped off all her clothes. I don’t think the bugs would have any idea what to do with that.

Colin:

That’s like the opposite of one of my friends’ strategies when danger presents itself. He suggested that if someone was in the process of mugging or attacking him, he’d shit himself and rub it everywhere. Probably throw up, too. Cause then who’s gonna want to come near you?

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I like how they pay no mind to what she’s doing at all. If you really are in love with her, wouldn’t you be looking at her and spending your last moments with her?

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Colin:

“She seems to be Onatopp of things.”

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Wow, that was fortunate. You’d think it would just pick him up and eat him.

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KA-ME-HA-ME-HA!

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Colin:

So everyone’s free all of a sudden. Okay.

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Christopher Lee is so thrilled right now. So thrilled.

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Too soon.

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No reason.

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(But now we know… right?)

Colin:

I want to thank the Ratcupine (always wanted to say that) for revealing Natalie’s midriff. This movie now has a shot at an F+.

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You ain’t Yakima Canutt.

Colin:

I doubt many people got that. But more people should.

I think of it this way (just in case anyone reading this blog is wondering why we never explain things): if you don’t know what something is — you’re not in on the joke. So educate yourself. Or go back to watching reality TV. It don’t make me no never mind.

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Tally ho!

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Really? That knocked it out?

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Reaction shots.

Colin:

Nute Gunray’s triumphant chuckle! I don’t know why I enjoyed so much, but that was bad to the point of being fucking hilarious.

And what is possibly my favorite line in the whole franchise: “She can’t do that! Shoot her! …or something.” It’s amusing how this whole thing for Gunray is just a vendetta against Padme now.

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Reaction shots.

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At what point do you stop and realize — nothing in this frame is real?

Colin:

Honestly? 90 minutes ago.

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I’m so grateful they cut back to the boobies every once in a while so I have something to be invested in.

Colin:

Speaking as an econ major, boobies are only recommended as a short-term investment. They have a noted downward trend.

I hope that boobie bubble never bursts.

(And other Seuss stories.)

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OH MAN HE JUST SLAPPED HIM IN THE FACE WITH A SPEAR!

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Ha ha. And it finished him off. That thing has a great sense of showmanship.

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Use your little ponytail. Make the bond.

Colin:

Oh NO. I don’t know why that was so upsetting to me, or why I’m still laughing uncontrollably.

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At what point did that seem realistic?

Colin:

Note how the guys who are supposed to be getting slaughtered are turning it around. Anakin has a steed. I’m waiting for Obi-Wan to yell out a formation so we can draw this fight to a close.

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So many tally ho’s…

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That IS how it is in their family!

Colin:

I hate this kiss so much. I’m going to see if there’s someone I can sue about the placement of this kiss in this scene. Followed by that awful, “Yah!”

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Oh, you done fucked up now.

Colin:

This is a badass moment on the part of the praying mantis monster. Gets a spear in its shoulder, and says, “Motherfucker, I EAT THOSE!”

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Colin:

Third wheel, much?

Yeah. She should just leave them to do their thing.

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This is the definition of a Kulsehov effect.

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“Patience, Viceroy, patience. She will die.”

Oh, good thing someone read the script around here.

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I like to think that Christopher Lee said, “I’m not reacting to anything I can’t see, and just stood there.”

Because he’s right. He’s a mirror for us right now.

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AWW YEAH!

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What a fucking badass entrance.

Colin:

That’s what Samuel L. Jackson is supposed to do in any film.

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PURPLE LIGHTSABER!

Colin:

No matter what, you have to be excited about this. That’s a purple lightsaber. Yes.

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“Master Windu.”

(I love that. He immediately snaps into expressions once an actual person shows up.)

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 928

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“This party’s over. (Motherfucker)”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 930

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This seriously looks like Power Rangers.

Colin:

How did nobody notice them all just standing there randomly? They’re the only ones around who aren’t…giant bugs.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 933

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ASIAN JEDI!

Colin:

Gotta wonder if she has a similar background to Anakin’s. Little slave girl.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 935

(Hey guys… guess what I love.)

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 936

Dooku says the Jedi are impossibly outnumbered.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 937

“I don’t think so. (Motherfucker).”

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“Aziz, light!”

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Someone got a ZF-1.

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Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 945

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 946

DEFLECTING SHIT ON THE WAY DOWN!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 947

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DA NA NA NA NA NA!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 951

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Do they just pack extra lightsabers in case of emergency? Where did he get that?

Lightsabers should be like wands. They should be specific to the Jedi. They should know them, they should be in tune with them, they should have personalities that adapt to the Jedi who wields them. It should choose them, in a way. But here, Anakin has like four of these motherfuckers. And Luke builds one on his own. How the fuck do you build a lightsaber?

And why are there just extra lightsabers laying around? Is there a Jedi armory sitting in that temple? Even the fucking kids had lightsabers. Do they have training lightsabers? That’s an interesting idea.

But again — the fact that they have so many lighstabers indicates that pretty much anyone can wield one. Which I don’t like. I like the idea that you have to be in tune with the Force to use one. So there shouldn’t be extra ones laying around.

A lightsaber should be like a Hattori Hanzo sword. You get one when and if you’re ready, and don’t you dare fucking lose it.

Colin:

I’m now imagining Michael Madsen as a Jedi, and it’s hilarious. Or, I guess as a Sith. Can you imagine him as Dooku, having captured Obi-Wan? Asking him to join and then putting on some K-Billy’s Super Sounds of the Seventies?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 954

Colin:

Seriously, guys. How did you think this was going to go? Those thousands of spectators can also…you know…fly.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 955

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Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 957

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 958

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Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 960

BREAK YO SELF FOOL!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 961

Does this make Anakin Bumblebee?

… that’s about right.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 962

I get such joy out of the kicks to the face in these movies.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 963

This is basically the 3PO in drag moment, isn’t it?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 964

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Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 966

Colin:

Nothing to say about the battle. It’s somewhat interesting. At least, more interesting any of the other action scenes in this film. Better than watching GUNGANS fight droids, anyway. I particularly enjoyed Windu’s deflection back at the droid. “Game. Set. Match. Motherfucker.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 967

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 968

AWW SHIT, here we go!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 969

IS THAT A JEDI FORREST GUMP?!!!!!!!!!!

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Colin:

Why does Fett feel the need to get into this fight? Everyone’s just chilling as it is.

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“I win, motherfucker.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 988

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That still only counts as one.

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Bye bye, Django.

Colin:

How great is Sam’s pose here? He looks like he just dropped the mic.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 999

Colin:

How hollow did that helmet sound when it hit the ground?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1000

“… motherfucker.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1001

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1002

“Die Jedi dogs! … oh! What did I say?”

GET SOME!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1003

This is too close for comfort for Statler and Waldorf.

Colin:

Cutting to 3PO in his various pieces and then to Gunray getting shot at is killing me.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1004

What the fuck?

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I love this Jamaican guy.

Colin:

His name Kit Fisto.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1009

BOOBIES!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1010

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1011

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“Is this a diplomatic solution?”

You asshole. And I’m talking to George, here.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1013

“No. I call it aggressive negotiations.”

Where did she learn to negotiate like that?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1014

WHY IS THAT THING JUST FOLLOWING HIM AROUND?! KILL HIM!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1015

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Too late.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1018

“Yeah… you suck MY dick now!”

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♫ “The Jets are coming out on top, TONIGHT!” ♫

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Y’all are surrounded.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1029

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BOOBIES!

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“Master Windu, you have fought gallantly. Worthy of recognition in the archives of the Jedi order.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1033

“Now, it is finished. Surrender and your lives will be spared.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1034

“We will not be hostages to be bartered. (Motherfucker).”

Colin:

Oh, shit! Aayla Secura! She’s the blue Twi’lek Jedi. She look nice.

Her name sounds like a Potter spell.

Or some shit from Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1035

“Then, I’m sorry, old friend.”

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1036

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Oh, but wait… the latest thing from Q branch.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1038

A radio.

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YODA, baby!

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1040

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Right?

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1046

He even tells them to make a perimeter around the survivors!

Colin:

“Around the survivors, a perimeter create.” That’s pushing it for how unnatural Yoda speak can sound.

Star Wars Attack of the Clones - 1047

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MINI DEATH STAR!

That thing is fucking awesome!

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And there they go… to the END OF PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and (tease Part V).

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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One response

  1. z-

    June 27, 2013 at 2:14 pm

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