Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode II – Attack of the Clones (2002), Part V — “Does a Marriage Count If Your Witnesses Are Droids?”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Part V.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the fifth and (mercifully) final part of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
We begin Part V in the aftermath of the Battle of Geonosis:
Droid Alone 2: Lost in Geonosis.
Aww… just like Rain Man.
Colin:
Okay, now Boba Fett is REALLY ruined.
“If Dooku escapes, rally more systems to his cause, he will.”
Colin:
Is that why Anakin’s pissed? Because Obi Wan keeps calling him ‘my young padawan?’ I guess he is laying it on a bit thick.
Colin:
I love the idea of a map room with real time holo-projections of the battlefield. That’s awesome.
Dooku doesn’t understand how the Jedi could come up with an army so quickly.
“LEFT! TURN THIS BIG MOTHERFUCKER LEFT, TROY!”
Yoda’s got some unfinished business.
War of the Worlds much?
Yoda is General Patton. This is great. I’m so much more interested in this now that Yoda has gone full-on war general.
Create a perimeter… that’s fucking badass.
Oh shit, the MegaZords are here.
See, now that they’ve gone full on war movie… I’m much more interested. Granted, he’s totally trying to recopy Empire, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, since at least this part doesn’t suck.
You know why? NO FUCKING DIALOGUE NECESSARY.
Sweet Tooth?
Colin:
All the droid tank things are pretty ungainly. Spider legs and shit don’t make for very fast droids. How about some treads? Although I guess even the Republic’s tank things are like the precursor to AT-ATs.
DEATH STAR!
Death Star plans.
Oh, no. I was gonna praise this moment, but then you go and show the designs again after you talk about them? Come on, George.
I like the handheld thing, but come on, George.
Colin:
So, it’s pretty obviously the Death Star now, if you didn’t notice it before. I don’t know if I like that. In fact, no. I don’t like it at all. Why do we need to connect EVERYTHING?
Why would you do that to Christopher Lee?
Colin:
What’s with the camcorder sort of handheld feel to the reaction shots? It happened a few times already when cutting back to a ship flying quickly through the battle, like it was out of focus for a second and the shot was shaky. Now we get it as it cuts back to the clone troopers watching the starship fall.
I love that I already had these shots at the ready for this exact same reason.
Colin:
This cloud of dust is the best thing they could have done right now. Red and blue lasers everywhere. Finally something positive about this fight.
(I would like everyone to point out — one of the beauties of these articles is that I get all the screenshots on my own, and Colin has no idea what I am or am not going to take a screenshot of. He just writes his notes from watching the movie straight through. And I have to say… we’ve done, what? 13 movies now? I’d say I had to go back and add screenshots for maybe about four scenes, total, in all 13 movies. Just to give a visual for something Colin called attention to that I didn’t already have. Every other time, I have the screenshots on hand for everything he brings up.)
Why must you point at everything? If you’re gonna point, point at those titties.
This really is straight Apocalypse Now.
Seriously… why would you do this to him?
Colin:
Minor point, but that’s an old dude doing a few hundred miles an hour with no windshield. Gonna want some Space Visine.
Well that’s a convenient way to make them go alone.
Thank you, close ups.
“Don’t let your personal feelings get in the way!”
But… boobies.
WHY MUST YOU KEEP CUTTING BACK TO THIS?!!!
Anakin wants Padme.
“You’ll be expelled from the Jedi order!”
“I can’t leave her!”
LOVE this shot. Yoda in close up, and the asshole with the binoculars from the first movie… nice.
Colin:
“The droid army is in full retreat.” “Well done, commander. Ears and noses will be the trophies of the day.”
Wow… it got destroyed JUST as it dropped them off. Quelle surprise.
Colin:
It got blown up just as they get out! HAHAHA!
“I’ve been expecting you… Mr. Bond.”
Colin:
Slowly on the left. Yes. I’ve found it’s best to discuss your attack strategy audibly in front of your enemy.
LEEROY JENKINS!
Colin:
Oh, Anakin! Guess what!
“As you see, my Jedi powers are far beyond yours. Now… back down.”
I like how he’s just one handing that shit.
“I don’t think so.”
Really? With the toplighting?
Colin:
Dooku’s lightsaber is awesome. The curved hilt is sexy as hell, and it’s got a blade guard on it. He does the Makashi Salute at the beginning, which shows that he’s a Form II user. Form II is focused on dueling, which is why Dooku’s such a boss in lightsaber duels. Obi Wan uses Form III, which is defensive and waits for the opponent to make a mistake or to leave an opening. Anakin uses Form V, which is a lot more power and counterattacks. Probably not a good pairing for the speed of Form II. But we’ll see how the duel goes.
I love that he taunts him the whole time. Like, “Surely you can fight better than this.” That’s great.
Colin:
This is one of the best duels in the prequels if only because it’s Christopher Lee and he’s just taunting them the whole time.
That kind of looks like it could almost say “titties.”
All right.
Naturally she’s gotta go after Anakin.
Colin:
How did you know they were going to a hangar?
Look at that run.
Dude, stop being such a bitch and get up.
Best facial expression in the movie.
KNEECAPPED!!
Colin:
This is the slowed down version of what happened in Empire. One of the duelists starts a twisting motion, and once it gives, the other guy is fucked.
Colin:
The moment isn’t so much that clip, but the second I saw your screenshot, that was the first thing I thought. And then I saw you had linked to something, and it was confirmed.
Time to go in for the kill.
Or… not.
Have I mentioned how much I hate Force jumps?
Not quite as badass as Palpatine, is it?
He’s cowering like a little bitch.
Time for this showdown.
“Catch!”
Double lightsabers, baby.
Oh yeah.
Still trying to decide which is more badass, two lightsabers like this, or the Darth Maul version.
Which would be harder to pull off in an actual fight? I guess Darth Maul, since he had one lightsaber and was fighting two people.
You have real bad luck with those things, kid.
Colin:
That lightsaber didn’t last too long. We’re just going right through these things. I’m a little unclear with the whole lightsaber construction thing. For example, Dooku chose his hilt and everything, and I know there’s a thing about gathering the crystals to make the power source and all that. But other than the crystal thing, what do they mean by “construction” of a lightsaber? That’s the word Vader uses when he checks out Luke’s new one in Return of the Jedi. There’s no way these guys all know metallurgy and smelting and metalworking and shit. I’m pretty sure you just bring the crystals to a lightsaber shop and the rest is like Build-a-Bear.
It would be pretty badass to pull a Lucius Malfoy and have a cane that’s also a lightsaber.
Trying to pull some Adventures of Robin Hood shit now, aren’t you, George?
Colin:
FUCK THIS HOSE!
Scaramanga.
Colin:
I’m pleasantly surprised. You’re focusing on the faces. The place is dark so we’re more in tune with the red and blue motif (Like Empire? Hah. Nice try.), and you’re not so concerned with the choreography. This could be worse.
It’s actually smart to light it like this. Because I personally want to think that Christopher Lee is actually doing all this fighting too.
REALLY?!!
REALLY, GEORGE?!!!
I completely forgot this happened here, and I am disgusted.
Colin:
Once again, they slow the action WAY down to show you him getting chopped. Just like with the Darth Maul fight, the victim has EONS to figure out what’s about to happen.
Colin:
But now you ain’t got no arm. And he Force Pushes you back over to Obi Wan, which is adding insult to injury. Then again, you wanna talk about the quickest way to lose 10 pounds…
His hair is so great.
Colin:
Thanks for showing up at such a leisurely pace, Yoda. You fucking asshole. Maybe try a little more pep in your step next time.
“You have interfered with our affairs for the last time.”
Old person fight.
Tiger style.
Gospel style.
Colin:
Ever notice how Christopher Lee is super good at contorting his fingers in creepy ways? Wait until Fellowship of the Ring, when we see him turning on (is that what he’s doing?) the Palantir with his creepy hand. It’s just like here. This is just Christopher Lee’s idea of what magic hands look like.
OH WE DON’T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHERFUCKER BURN!
Colin:
Force Lightning? Why you think he has those fingernails, homey?
Oh, but this is actually a Kamehameha.
Colin:
Actually, this is a technique called Tutaminis. It allows the user to take in energy or deflect it back. Yoda and Obi Wan, for instance, are good enough at this that they can take blaster shots into their hand without damage. Yoda does the same thing with the Force Lightning. Supposedly, this is what Vader does with Han Solo’s blaster shot on Cloud City, too. So it was a Force thing. But I think that’s awesome. Only badasses can begin to use this really well, but when you do, you just handle everything they got and say, “Oh, is that all?”
(I’d like to point out that Colin’s comment was not written in response to mine at all. And somehow, it is.)
Colin:
C’mon, buddy.
GET THIS WEAK ASS SHIT OUT MY FACE!
“Much to learn, you still have.”
“It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the Force.”
Oh, really? Damn. I had the scantron all ready and everything.
Not even a couple essays?
“But by our skills with a lightsaber.”
Hooray, militarism!
That was pretty badass.
Colin:
Okay, so now we have a dick measuring contest. Which…he may look tiny, but he’s packing.
Think of the actual height difference in this fight. I don’t mean with just anyone, I mean with Christopher Lee.
DID YOU TWO SERIOUSLY NOT MOVE YET?
Ten points if Obi-Wan just kicks Anakin’s head, like, “Wake up, bitch, we’re leaving.”
Why not throw it into the ship?
It’s right fucking there. Throw it a the ship and you’ll stop him.
Colin:
Really not happy that Yoda had to fight. You had to do it. Not only does he duel, but he duels unspectacularly and sort of loses. Yoda’s a character who should have been more about the mental side of the Force. We want him to be wise and intelligent. Having him bested by Dooku like this hurts to watch. Also, how come he just went with it when Dooku clumsily suggested they duel? Yoda didn’t attack Dooku once. What did he plan to do before the duel? I’d have loved to see something new or different from Yoda, but instead we have to watch him flip around like a moron to make up for his diminutive stature.
What’s funny is I’m going to voice this exact same opinion in the next movie. In fact, I understand this one more, because they pretty much had to do it. But the one with Palpatine in the next movie is the one I don’t understand. But we’ll get to that next week.
Colin:
I’m fine with Dooku having to get away, and I’m cool with them using Anakin and Obi Wan as the excuse for Yoda to be distracted. But did you notice how Yoda was pushing with all his might, and Dooku just needed one hand to hold him off, using the other to drop the thing on them? This is nothing more than a physical contest. I’m sorry, but I hate it and I want something better. I want to stress this so it’s clear to anyone who may take issue with my complaints: when you have a weak story that doesn’t afford even the most important characters much personality or uniqueness, they should at least be differentiated by their mode of action. It’s one thing that in these prequels, characters like Yoda and Mace Windu have all the variety and excitement of an oatmeal cookbook, but you need to give them some external qualities or abilities that act as identifying features. At this point, the description, “Pretty boring and fights with a lightsaber” applies to about 5 different major characters.
Look at dem boobies bounce.
Naturally you show up just a second too late.
Colin:
So Dooku escapes, in a moment that’s supposed to remind you of Leia firing at a departing Slave I. The difference is that in that case, she was emotional about the loss of the man she loved. Here, it’s Padme firing at some dude who’s doing….something.
I bet that droid also gives him handys during long flights.
Colin:
His ship has a space sail. Dunno what that’s about or even how that works.
Colin:
Now Yoda goes back to walking slowing again. What? Why does he make it look like it’s an exertion just to walk slowly now?
Colin:
If they didn’t see this shit coming, they should get it now. Padme runs in, yells Anakin’s name and cuddles up to him. Think maybe there’s something between them?
I love this place. I love industrial areas.
Colin:
I love the idea of an industrial sector on Coruscant. Though you have to imagine it’s not quite as competitive as it once was and that it’s starting to dry up.
“The Force is with us, my master Sidious.”
The atmosphere is Palpatine.
Shouldn’t they be revealing it right about now? Isn’t that how you’re supposed to end the second part of a trilogy?
Oh… wait… I forgot who was writing this.
They’re gonna keep a close eye on the senate.
Colin:
So is Anakin…getting that arm looked at, or…?
Anakin’s going (going) back (back) to Naboo.
Obi-Wan also says that without the clones, they wouldn’t have had a victory in that battle.
“Victory? Victory, you say? Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen. Begun the Clone War has.”
Colin:
It’s so weird how they have these conversations. It’s always arguments followed by an agreement of some sort. “Did you hear what Dooku said?!” “Yeah, but he’s a Sith, so we can’t trust him.” “But we should still probably act on what he said, right?” “Oh. Yeah, totally.” What the FUCK was the point of that conversation?
This should be the last shot of the movie.
But no…
Colin:
Two movies in a row, and they couldn’t make it any less subtle at the end that Palpatine’s an evil fuck. Are you guys even trying anymore?
Should’ve started Episode III with this, man.
Eww… now I’m thinking about him fingering her.
I do know what he can do with his little finger :(
He still wants him to suck his dick.
Colin:
I’m trying to think of a couple that looked less happy about their marriage.
You really should have ended with Palpatine and started the next one with this.
Wow… I’m not even trying and I’ve already written a better trilogy than Lucas did.
Colin:
Does a marriage count if your witnesses are droids? Just saying.
– – – – – – – – – –
Well that’s finally over.
Colin:
Oh, thank god it’s over. I’m out of…I was going to say I was out of things to say, but I might as well be out of blood. Holy FUCK that was impossible to watch
Tomorrow is our favorite images, Sunday is final thoughts, then Monday we finish the franchise with Revenge of the Sith.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)
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