Fun with Franchises: Twilight (2008), Part IV — “I’m Actually Concerned That This Film Was Made”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Twilight, Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fourth part of Twilight:

Twilight - Title Card

We begin Part IV as Bella washes her truck.

Let me remind you, before we begin — this is Part IV of V. And the only thing that’s happened thus far is that she got together with Edward in a nonsexual way.

By this point in Harry Potter, I’m pretty sure we’ve met Voldemort in the dark forest and fought a troll. In Star Wars, they blew up Alderaan and the Falcon had to escape from Mos Eisley. In Lord of the Rings — Frodo got STABBED IN THE SHOULDER BY THE WITCH KING! Here — “the lion fell in love with the lamb.”

This is fucking LAUGHABLE.

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I call this scene – polishing a turd.

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And he just tally hos on top of her car.

Colin:

Now that they’re together, he’s acting like a child, and the whole thing about controlling himself and their argument in the woods seems rather…inconsequential.

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“I’m gonna take you to my place tomorrow.”

I’m much more interested in them now that they’re a couple.

Which means… an hour of this movie… wasted.

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She’s worried his family won’t like her.

“So you’re worried, not because you’ll be in a house full of vampires, but because you think they won’t approve of you?”

Well… if they don’t like her, that does lead to the first part.

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Something wolfen this way comes.

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Tension.

Colin:

Aw, they don’t like each other. Did the big, mean, vampire litter or something?

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How can he drive that car?

Colin:

See? Parents are role models. This dude’s the only reason Jacob hates Edward. That and the whole Bella thing. But this is really how shit works with kids. You stare at someone you hate, and your kid stares at you while you hate them.

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This is this franchise in a nutshell. Edward and Jacob give each other mean looks, and she stands there looking like an idiot, completely aloof.

Colin:

The truck doesn’t look that good. They gotta paint it. Maybe a two tone. White cab.

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They came to watch the baseball game.

Colin:

The way he phrased that, I thought he was here to steal their TV.

He just made a reservation for it.

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Plus Jacob wants to bang her.

“Thanks, dad.”

Colin:

Parents need to shut the fuck up about their kids’ crushes.

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“Just keeping it real, son.”

When keeping it real goes wrong.

Colin:

This was the worst episode of When Keepin’ it Real Goes Wrong.

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Now that’s a party.

Colin:

He’s using a handicapped person like a shopping cart.

You say that as if that’s not what they’re for.

If this dude gets wasted, he doesn’t even have to worry about stumbling around everywhere.

Colin:

Oh right, the Mariners. They’re in Washington. Vampires and werewolves have fought for centuries, but they both root for Ichiro. Or at least they did, when this movie came out and Ichiro was still with the Mariners.

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Yeah, I’m sure he’ll go up those stairs easily.

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Shit, Cullens. Nice place.

Colin:

I guess I would expect a Volvo-driving vampire to live somewhere this…Scandinavian.

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I want this house.

Also, I like how we just cut to it out of nowhere.

Colin:

This vampire drives a Volvo C30. I’m not going to get over that. A vampire in a Volvo is enough, but one in a C30…wow. I hope he keeps this through the whole series so I have something to chuckle about through these articles.

What about a vampire on a Faggio?

He also speeds around to her side of the car.

Colin:

It’s weird when you do that. Just…walk over.

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“This is the one place we don’t have to hide.”

Really? Because you have a lot of windows.

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Oh yeah. Making the sauce.

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“Edward, why don’t you tell that nice girl you love her? ‘I love-a you with all-a my heart, If I don’t see you again soon Imma gonna die!”

Colin:

The best thing about this is that you just get a pass while making fun of any group of white people. Jews are the only potentially white group that’s out of bounds. But everyone else — the Germans, the Italians, the French, whomever — is fair game to make jokes about that would otherwise be racist. It’s like how you can use a lot of classical music in your movies for free because nobody owns it anymore.

Nothing is out of bounds if you do it correctly.

(Also, wasn’t that more of a movie reference than a dig against wops?)

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“Is she even Italian?”

“Her name’s Bella.”

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Colin:

“Here comes the human!” I don’t have words.

This does look like a nice meal, though. Sucks that they can’t eat it. I imagine that would theoretically be the worst part of being a vampire, but on the other hand, it seems like they do really like blood once they are vampires, so I guess that’s cool.

Colin:

It’s funny that they still know how to cook. But I will give them a little credit here — I like that we see the boxes on the ground so you can tell that they just opened these appliances.

I really want to know what their net worth is.

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I like the guy in the back. I like anyone holding up a butcher knife in a friendly way.

“I hope you’re hungry.”

Colin:

This is all going so well!

I’m way more interested in what went down while they were preparing for this meal than the actual meal.

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“She already ate.”

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Colin:

Oh. It’s weird when you break bowls like that.

My only question – why THE FUCK are you wearing heels in the house?

I can forgive the vampire stuff, but those shoes in the house – come on.

Am I right, ladies?

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“Perfect.”

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“It’s because I know you guys don’t eat.”

It’s really not like you do either.

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“Just ignore Rosalie, I do.”

See, I’m more interested in this shit than I am in anything else. I want to know what the social dynamics are when she knows you’re a family of vampires and she’s coming over as the girlfriend of one of them.

And how he’s 107 years old and banging a 17 year old.

Colin:

Uh oh. Family issues. I wonder if they talk about how it’s weird that they’re all old and Bella’s like 16.

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“I would never tell anybody anything.”

Yeah, but if this “ends badly,” the family is fucked.

Badly, like —

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“I would become a meal.”

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Icebreaker.

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I like how they’re amused, but also… it’s pretty true.

Colin:

They’re all mad old. How do they still act like parents and children?

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“Hi, Bella.”

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“I’m Alice.”

And she’s immediately the one we’re all supposed to want to bang.

Colin:

HUGE fan of this creepy-ass entrance. Not so much the chick, but the guy who comes in behind her. The boyfriend, or whatever. He’s a CREEP! Making a play at my favorite character. Watch out, Mike. No, not you, the movie Mike. No, you’re the movie BLOG Mike, I mean the—never mind.

His name is Jasper. That’s hilarious.

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Indeed.

“Oh, you do smell good.”

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“Alice, what the fuck are you doing?”

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“It’s okay, Bella and I are going to be great friends.”

Yeah, lesbian shit.

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“You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Jasper?”

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“All right, we’re gonna pretend like that didn’t just happen.”

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“I’ll see you soon.”

You right about that, sugar. You right about that.

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So… do they fuck? They do, right? How does that work? Do they feel it? Do they get horny? I’m more fascinated by that than I am anything they’re trying to develop right now.

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Lots of graduation caps.

Colin:

That’s a lot of caps. There are five of them, and they probably get two years of school in at a new place before they graduate. I want to see him as a teenager in the 80s. Edward Cullen with a mullet. Edward Mullet.

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“We matriculate a lot.”

Colin:

Matriculating always sounded to me like something you did accidentally on the carpet and then had to run to get the club soda.

You have to wonder why they’d even try at school. Or if they do. If they’re just going to move somewhere else really soon…

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“That’s pretty miserable. Repeating high school over and over.”

High school – probably. College? Fuck no. Repeating college over and over would be fucking GREAT.

Though, I guess… high school is free.

But my questions is — where exactly do they move once the cover is blown? Just a few counties over? Out of state? They don’t go into any of this in the movies. How do you set up a universe when you don’t explain the most interesting aspects?

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That’s his room.

Goddamn, I want that room.

Though, how can you leave the doors open when you’re not there like that? Rain doesn’t always travel straight down.

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He’s gonna bang the shit out of her in there.

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“No bed?”

Oh, wow, I didn’t even know that was coming.

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“I don’t sleep.”

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“Ever?”

Colin:

He never sleeps? Now there’s a superpower.

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Correct.

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Yeah, he’ll tear that shit up. One way or the other.

Colin:

I’m so much less interested in their story than I am in his story of being a young dude for this whole time. So it’s basically like Wolverine, but worse.

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Are we counting still? What number are we at?

Also, finish your goddamn sentences.

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Oh, for fuck’s…

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He’s listening to Clair de Lune, by the way. Because apparently nobody knows any other Debussy song. No String Quartet in G, or Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun? Not even gonna stretch it a little bit past the common road?

Colin:

Debussy is good.

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Please don’t start dancing. Please put her hand on your tallywhacker right now.

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Yeah, Debussy isn’t necessarily the best to dance to. You can’t imagine many people getting down to Debussy in da club.

But Eine Kleine Nachtmusik? Totally the club music of the day.

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Colin:

This is the most awkward (there’s that word again!) dance ever.

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Nice twirl, Lana Del Rey.

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She says she can’t dance.

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He says, “Hmm.”

I’ll give him one thing. Man knows how to react.

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He also says, “I can always make you.”

He can? Now we’re getting into vampire mind control?

How come that’s not addressed in the movies? It doesn’t seem like he has it. So how can he make her, then?

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“I’m not scared of you.”

That probably should have sounded like you were flirting. Instead of monotone.

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This is the proper reaction. “You know I could make you do that.” “I’m not scared of you.”

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“You really shouldn’t have said that.”

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See?

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You guys remember The Bourne Ultimatum?

I’m just trying to take your minds off all the horrible things going on right now.

Maybe if you think about that movie, it’ll cheer you up.

Or the Shire. And the first strawberries of the spring.

Colin:

And Rosie’s cotton hole.

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I don’t get it. How is this getting her back for what she said?

Colin:

We’re flying out windows now.

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“You better hold on tight, spider monkey.”

Colin:

Where in the FUCK did that come from? You need to Fonzie another bus door open or something, cause this is getting horrendously bad. Nobody should ever call ANYONE ‘Spider Monkey.’

Who thought that line would be a good idea?

Whoever thought that line would be a good idea is the person to blame for this movie.

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“Do you trust me?”

What a stupid question. What the fuck is gonna change anything? “Yes.” “Okay.” “No.” … now what?

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We’re all aware this is happening, right?

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We all agree this is stupid, right?

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We all would rather see shots of trees than this movie, right?

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Colin:

That ain’t shit. Li Mu Bai did that in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Think you speddle just cause you can run up a tree?

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Colin:

“This isn’t real!” Finally, someone acknowledges the obvious.

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Colin:

I’ll take a wide shot of Washington.

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Yes, climb the branches of a tree that is constantly rained on and never used to any form of weight. That’ll end well.

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I… honestly have nothing to say here. This is so fucking awful.

I’d rather watch a monkey fuck a dead monkey while scooping out its brains and eating them at the same time.

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And now we’re getting random shots of them in the tree, because what else do we have to fill up screen time?

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Why is this score reminding me of The Piano?

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Oh, for fuck’s…

Colin:

He plays the piano. Of course he plays the piano.

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Is he gonna draw her like one of his French girls?

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He should be playing this instead.

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Not gonna lie… I actually like this. Because he’s 100 years old, and doesn’t sleep. In all that time, you would pick up something like the piano. So good job on that.

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Still kinda shitty that he’s playing the film score.

At least play the Forest Gump theme or something.

Colin:

See, given that he grew up at the turn of the 20th century, I would much rather he played some old school Scott Joplin and then when Bella was clearly not into it he could yell at her.

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Meanwhile, in The Defiant Ones

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Is that Drew Barrymore on a bender?

Colin:

Can we note her shirt? She’s wearing a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt. I’m half Irish, and I don’t give a fuck about being Irish and I hate that bullshit.

My liver loves that I’m half Irish.

I’ve always said that I enjoy being Irish-Italian. Since my one half can drink excessively, but my other half can organize and control it, like crime.

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That is one big pile of shit.

That might be the subtitle for this whole movie.

This Is One Big Pile of Shit

Thank you, Jeff Goldblum.

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At what cost are you getting that scent? At what cost?

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“It’s human.”

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

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Weird that he just called her “Arizona.” He’s been friends with her for like, two months.

Colin:

I’m still in some of our friends’ phones as “Vegas” six years later and I’m not even from Vegas.

Yeah, that I never understood. I heard that story a week after it happened, and, like a month after that, I could think of about seven other things that were better names to have in the phone.

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Awkward father/daughter shit.

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She tells him to stop eating steak.

I do not like her.

They have an almost decent conversation. He tells her to go hang out with boys and shit, and asks if anyone’s interested in her. She says, “You do realize this isn’t how we interact, right?” and he goes, “Yeah, you’re right,” and drops it.

What the fuck? How about actual human interaction?

He EVEN TELLS HER SHE SHOULD BE AROUND PEOPLE!

This might be my biggest problem with this movie – it’s based on this new fear of human interaction people seem to have.

Colin:

Now the dialogue between them is less awkward. Pray tell, what does this mean?

It means there’s no more ketchup.

Colin:

Look at the cherry tomato on her plate! I bet it jizzed everywhere when they cut it.

I’m picturing a tomato actually projectile jizzing.

It is amusing.

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She talks to her mother. Her mother wants to know all about Edward.

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Anyone that does that in my room is gonna end up partially on the wall.

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“Are you being safe?”

Now that’s a parent.

Colin:

Mom sounds like she’s DTF.

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“How did you get in here?”

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“The window.”

You have no idea how torn I am about this line.

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“I like watching you sleep.”

Yes, that’s what I always say right before I try to make out with somebody.

Instant panty dropper.

Colin:

“I like watching you sleep. It’s uh…creepy.”

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“Don’t move.”

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Colin:

Oh my god. This is messed up beyond words. He’s trying to kiss her, and telling her not to move. This is usually how I approach girls. “Don’t move.” And then I do the moving.

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Colin:

It’s way too quiet. You can hear the creepy.

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Remember when he just told you not to move?

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They don’t call him Vlad the Impaler for nothing.

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Colin:

He cums in is pants a little.

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All… right.

“I’m stronger than I thought.”

Colin:

Oh, for shit’s sake. This whole relationship is about him resisting temptation. She’s the bad influence, and he has to prove his purity. I know Meyer claims that she didn’t have her religious beliefs in mind when she wrote this, but when something informs so much of who you are, it’s sort of hard to leave it at the door when you pour your soul into a book. That’s what I assume she was trying to do with this, anyway.

I like movies where characters get bizzay with each other, because I’m a human and humans like sex. She claims the connections that people draw are purely speculative and coincidental. I call BS. This story came from her mind, which has been TO SOME DEGREE shaped by her religious beliefs. I freely admit that any story I write with fucking in it would be that way cause I have no qualms about that sort of content. Maybe my atheism has something to do with that. That’s totally cool. But she shouldn’t argue this is totally unrelated.

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Colin:

Okay, now we’re getting sexy. This is the right thing to do.

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“I wish I could say the same.”

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“I can’t ever lose control with you.”

Colin:

No, that would be a sin sign of weakness.

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Colin:

This is what many 13 year old girls want. A guy who’s afraid to kiss and would rather sit on your bed with you and listen to you talk through the night.

And twenty year olds want this guy to stop being such a pussy and just put it in.

Actually pretty much anyone older than 18 wants this.

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“Hey, don’t go.”

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So that’s it? Just a montage of them talking?

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Colin:

Is he picking his belly button? What?

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Colin:

Isn’t he super cold? Shouldn’t it be uncomfortable to nestle up to him like that?

But it’s like, May, so maybe it’s really humid and he feels like the side of the pillow we all want.

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She brings him a beer and then says she has a date with Edward.

Now that’s how to be a good daughter.

Colin:

Is…is that beer? Those are the same beers that the Native American dude brought over before. Apparently it’s Rainier Beer, which is a local brew. I know Meyer doesn’t drink; were these in the book? This doesn’t become a thing, does it? Does drinking ever play a factor in the series? Please tell me it doesn’t. Don’t do that.

That said, way to go, bringing your dad another tall boy for while he’s playing with his gun in the house. That’s how you get to be police chief.

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Edward also wants to meet him.

“All right.”

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“Bring him in.”

Correct.

Colin:

Oh, Dad doesn’t like this. Is it Dad not liking any boys, or Dad not liking THIS boy?

He’s older. It’s him.

Colin:

Fathers should never do this. That’s messed up. When one of my high school girlfriends introduced me to her dad, I was all nervous and polite and shit. All I wanted to do was make a good impression on him and the rest of the family, and to not look like a punk. Which I wasn’t. But the guy comes down the stairs holding a fucking tomahawk. Before shaking my hand or anything, he goes, “You’re not getting my daughter into any trouble are you? Cause I’ll hear about it if you do,” or something along those lines.

Who remembers what the guy says when the guy is holding a raised tomahawk? And then he was all sarcastic about everything after that. That’s the last white chick I ever dated. Although, one of my later girlfriends’ dads was a grizzled old South Vietnamese guy who spent nine years in a VC prison labor camp. I would have taken shit from him.

It’s hard to take the father thing seriously. Because what are they really gonna do to you? You have the ultimate weapon. You’re putting your penis inside his daughter. He better be nice to you.

Then again, I’m also that person, if a girl’s father came to my house and said he was gonna kill me, I’d go, “If you must.” Because if it’s gonna happen, what the fuck are you gonna do about it? So just fuck the chick and entertain her pappy.

Unless he’s cool, in which case, he wouldn’t act like that.

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Colin:

Edward’s being super polite. Handshake and everything. Didn’t Dad notice that his hands were frigid?

Oh, he’s got gloves on.

So yeah, it goes quickly, not awkwardly (unless you count him making fun of his daughter’s lack of motor skills), he tells him he’s gonna take Bella to play baseball and then –

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“Still got that pepper spray?”

Colin:

She’s wearing hiking boots to play baseball? You gotta get your story straight or at least pay attention to the details. You lie to your parents that you’re going to the library, and you better come back with at least three Dewey Decimal numbers memorized. 733.3, 611.67, 496.3. As in, you had a project on ancient Greek sculpture, got interested and looked up a book on lady parts, and then wondered if there were any good slang terms for ‘vagina’ in Swahili. Not kidding, those are the exact Dewey Decimal numbers for that progression of topics. Check it.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “Colin, isn’t that an excessive level of detail for your fictional scenario in a blog entry about Twilight?” And you’re also probably the one who got caught lying to your parents.

What’s a library?

Colin:

Oh. It wasn’t a ninja turtle tampon. It was pepper spray.

Fun fact: The original final line to King Kong.

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They’re actually gonna play baseball.

I thought he was kidding.

Colin:

They’re actually playing baseball. Wow.

That’s really the only reaction you can have to this scene. Because you’re watching this movie, going, “Nothing’s really happening. What exactly is the point of all this?” and then they go play baseball, and it’s like, “Why the fuck are they doing that?”

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At first I thought it was gonna be cool, “They’re actually playing baseball.”

But then I realized… “No… wait… this is actually happening. And taking up screen time.”

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Goddamn, Alice.

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“You’re out.”

Colin:

Good. Call her out. The one that hates you.

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Can she throw her out of the game if she gets too mouthy?

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That’s how you play with style.

Colin:

Babe Ruth pose. Cause he’s a British guy born in the 1640s.

But he was in the states for the 20s. Since… oh, right, I’m a movie ahead of you. But they do show something that says they were over here around that time. So it makes sense, even if it is a direct reference. He could just be a dick.

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Colin:

Oh no. If this were an anime show, this episode would be the filler for when there was no story. You know it’s true. Filler episodes are always characters playing sports with powers.

Like when Piccolo and Goku learned to drive?

Always wondered how the instructor never gave a second thought to the fact that he was green.

Colin:

There were all kinds of weird aliens and people with weird faces and ears and shit in their universe. I was more confused about why Piccolo even disguised himself at all. Nobody ever got freaked out about Krillin having no nose.

Yeah, but he was usually dead, so they never saw him.

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He only gets a double out of this, too. How was that only a double?

Colin:

The ridiculousness of this is unfathomable. I’m actually concerned that this film was made.

Subtitle.

I’m Actually Concerned That This Film Was Made

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There’s always one.

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Also, I seem to remember remarking about how these franchises always had someone emerging from darkness or shadow as well.

Colin:

Oh good. Finally someone comes to break up this ludicrous game.

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Oh, good… a Sandlot moment.

Bring on the green onions!

Colin:

I can’t wait to see Bella dip on the Tilt-a-Whirl and throw up to Tequila.

I want to see a fence fall on top of her.

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Why do they look homeless?

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Colin:

The black guy looks like he has titties.

Twilight - 1013

Hooray, product placement!

Twilight - 1014

Colin:

I’ll give this guy credit for the MASSIVE dreads he’s rocking.

He has some sort of name.

Laurent.

Colin:

His name is Laurent? Sounds like he from DA CARIBBEAN! Down for some red rum?

Twilight - 1015

She’s Victoria.

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And James.

Prepare to be crippled. And make it triple.

Colin:

Well they seem nice.

Twilight - 1017

“You play ball like a girl!”

Twilight - 1018

Twilight - 1019

Also, wait… so now they’re all gonna play baseball?

Colin:

This is turning into a baseball game? I…this isn’t a movie.

Yeah, this is actually offensively bad. Normally I’d just go straight Unforgivable, but this is actually making Unforgivables look bad… well, good. This is really just a god-awful piece of shit.

Twilight - 1020

Oh, but wait, a breeze!

Twilight - 1021

He can smell her cunt.

“You brought a snack.”

Colin:

She should start using Garnier Fructis. That stuff is SMELLY.

Twilight - 1022

Colin:

This is the part I don’t get. Vampires and humans are made out to be pretty similar, except for the fact that vampires can’t seem to keep it together around food. These ones can just kill who they like, too, so why are they so excited about Bella? What if she IS their snack? Try showing up uninvited to someone’s baseball game, spotting a box of Keebler cookies they have and striking ^^ that pose. Are you fucking kidding me? How well does that go over?

That is a good point. What if they went, “Yes, we brought a snack. She is our snack. Go find your own snack”? Wouldn’t they just go, “Okay,” and leave? I feel like they’re civil enough to follow that.

I blame Edward for this.

Twilight - 1023

What the FUCK am I watching?

You know how kids try to explain shit to parents, and the parents never have any idea what the fuck they’re talking about?

Try telling the plot of this movie to anyone who hasn’t watched it. They’d literally stop you ten times and go, “Wait, what?”

Colin:

Oh, well James is making things slightly more interesting. He wants to eat her. I approve. Do it. End this nonsense. Or let’s have a fight. Either way.

Twilight - 1024

Just play it cool, boy. Real cool.

Colin:

WAIT A SECOND! His accent disappeared for a second and I realized where I know him! This is Big Love from House! Which means he was also the cab driver from Crank! Plant shit! The dreads and the accent threw me for a second, but that’s Big Love.

Twilight - 1025

And they just leave?

All… right.

Colin:

Nice ponytail, douche.

Twilight - 1026

Colin:

All right, hop in the Jeep and let’s Jurassic Park this shit.

Twilight - 1027

Holy shit. Emotion. Where did that come from?

Twilight - 1028

Why are you so surprised? Did you really think you were just gonna be safe?

Colin:

“Agh! Every time we’re together, there are problems! We’re a troubled couple!” This is supposed to make me invested in this relationship?

Twilight - 1029

Apparently that dude James likes hunting people down and killing them. So now they have to kill him, because he’ll never stop hunting her.

Colin:

Right, he can read minds. So he knows what the guy’s up to. Can’t his family take them? There’s more Cullens than these guys and I’m assuming they’re better.

She’s gotta get out of here. They’re going to Vancouver.

Colin:

Yes, let’s go to Vancouver. Anything to switch things up.

She’s also worried about her father.

Twilight - 1030

So they create a scene.

Colin:

This is your plan? Pretend to be breaking up and psych out Dad?

Twilight - 1031

Twilight - 1032

Well that’s creepy.

Twilight - 1033

Twilight - 1034

Twilight - 1035

“What am I gonna say to him? I can’t hurt him.”

Twilight - 1036

“You’ll just have to.”

Colin:

“I can’t hurt him.” “You just have to.” Are you even trying? Really?

Twilight - 1037

She makes dumb excuses to leave, and no father worth his salt would for a second let her actually walk out of that house.

Colin:

This is so not how this works. Like, not even remotely so. Your father, who’s the chief of police, doesn’t just plead with you not to leave town in the middle of the night to drive like 2,000 miles in an old truck with no airbags or seatbelts to go to your mom’s house when she’s not even home. You know what’s great about kids that most parents seem to have forgotten these days? You don’t have to argue with them.

Twilight - 1038

But he’s a moron.

Twilight - 1039

And she says mean things to him.

Colin:

Fuck. She’s being WAY worse than she has to be. Just fucking go already.

Twilight - 1040

“Bella, come on, I just got you back.”

“And if I don’t get out now, I’m just gonna be stuck here like Mom.”

Twilight - 1041

I almost wanna feel bad for him, but the writing’s not good enough and I’m not at all emotionally invested in any of this.

The fact that I even want to be shows how much of a chance I’m giving this movie.

Twilight - 1042

Twilight - 1043

Twilight - 1044

“Your father’s gonna forgive you.”

Well that’s not creepy at all.

Colin:

You really shouldn’t startle someone like that when they’re driving a vintage car with a shitty suspension on a wet road in the dark. How many times do I have to explain the whole ‘no seatbelts or airbags’ thing?

Wouldn’t it be great if she just blew his head off right there?

Twilight - 1045

Twilight - 1046

“Why don’t you let me drive?”

Because you’re hanging out of the fucking car?

Twilight - 1047

She thinks he won’t forgive her.

I’ve never hated a person more in all my life.

Twilight - 1048

And she said the same thing her mother told him when she left him.

You are the biggest cunt in the entire world.

“It was the only way he’d let you go.”

This should mean something right now.

In theory, this works. In this movie — FUCK. Full stop. YOU.

Twilight - 1049

He’s got his bro on top of things.

Colin:

More scares. The Cullens need to spend more time with people so they can remember how to act right.

Twilight - 1050

They got a convoy.

Colin:

EASTBOUND AND DOWN!

Twilight - 1051

Look, normal people.

Colin:

The Asian kid is taking a mug from the diner. Can you do that? You can if you’re a badass.

Twilight - 1052

Twilight - 1053

And this dude is apparently the civil one.

Colin:

Are we sure we trust Big Love? Edward should be able to read his mind and tell if he’s being sincere. Unless Big Love got the gift too.

Twilight - 1054

Twilight - 1055

He basically says, “He’s a killer, she’s sneakily powerful.”

Twilight - 1056

And peaces.

The most useless conversation in the history of movies.

Twilight - 1057

Twilight - 1058

Black bag job.

Colin:

I like Carlisle. He doesn’t speak much and he drives a Mercedes S-Class. Pretty sure that makes him the best vampire we’ve met.

Twilight - 1059

Alice is gonna drive her.

I like where this is going.

I like that Alice is a driver.

I hope Alice gets a car chase at some point.

Twilight - 1060

Apparently this one doesn’t like her.

But you know she’s going along with it, so whatever. Pointless conflict.

Colin:

Still. Edward and Bella have been together for all of two days, and she’s “a part of this family?” What the hell is that?

Twilight - 1061

“If anything happens, I swear to God…”

“Nothing’s going to happen.”

Yeah, yeah yeah… what was she about to swear?

Also, he’s a vampire… do you really think there’s a God?

Colin:

She shouldn’t swear to god, should she? Aren’t vampires repelled by god, or whatever?

Twilight - 1062

“Bella, you are my life now.”

Colin:

He says she’s his life, but…he’s not alive.

Twilight - 1063

Cars.

Colin:

I like Mercedes, but I hope they didn’t pay to be in this movie. This isn’t your target audience, guys.

Twilight - 1064

Yes. Call mom. I bet she actually doesn’t know either. Because that’s how fucked up this family is, that the father won’t even call his ex-wife to say his daughter ran away.

Remember how she’s 17, by the way?

Twilight - 1065

Just like the Uruk-hai.

Also during this, they make Bella rub up against a tree so he’ll follow her scent in the wrong direction.

Colin:

He makes her rub the tree? If someone has a sense of smell THAT good, wouldn’t they be able to tell you rubbed the tree? Cause that might tip them off that it’s a fake trail.

Twilight - 1066

Twilight - 1067

Twilight - 1068

Oh, FUCK YOU!

Twilight - 1069

Twilight - 1070

Seriously, though… Uruk-hai.

Colin:

It’s kind of boring and weird that they just run around at super speed like this all the time. In fact, the effect doesn’t even look good.

He also figures out really easily that it’s a fake trail.

Twilight - 1071

Twilight - 1072

Twilight - 1073

Apparently she goes all Pre-Cog.

Colin:

She’s having weirdo visions and drawing them. Heroes did this first.

You say that like it’s a badge of honor.

Colin:

I say that more like, “Really? You’re ripping off a failed NBC sci-fi show?”

I think the “failed” is implied by this point.

Twilight - 1074

Some shit happens… I’m not even paying attention. I just want to get to the finish.

Twilight - 1075

Which home? Seems like that could be any one of three things.

Also pretty sure you’d have that under, “Dad Home.” Because technically “Home” is that house you left three minutes into the movie.

Twilight - 1076

Oh, that actually is her mother. Good.

Twilight - 1077

Oh, wait, it’s that asshole who’s looking for her.

Wow, that’s shitty writing.

For the record, I blame what’s her face for this, not the movie.

This is a plot problem and not a movie problem. Lord knows this movie has its problems, but this isn’t one of them.

I can’t believe she’s gonna fall for the “fake hostage” trick.

Colin:

Okay, so here’s the plot unfolding…I guess. Not that it was really folded to begin with.

Twilight - 1078

Anyway, somehow she becomes convinced he actually has her mother hostage, and agrees to meet with him alone and slip the protection of the Cullens (because naturally that can happen and is a good idea), and agrees to meet him at her old ballet studio. (Because naturally he knows all about that, where that is and specifically picks there.)

You know. Sense.

Colin:

I’m amazed that the guy doesn’t just kill the mom for pleasure. He enjoys the HUNT. Edward never said he enjoyed RANSOMING.

Twilight - 1079

I also cut out a shot I had taken from outside the hotel, not thinking it was important. But Colin wrote a note about it, so I’ll include the note. The shot is pointless. It’s mostly about the car than anything.

Colin:

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. What is this place they’re pulling into, and why is there randomly a Ferrari Mondial 3.2 out front? I have no idea what that says about this movie. Is there a chance this movie was made for nothing, and that’s why it looks awful? Oh. This was made for $37 million? That explains why it’s awful. It also explains the Mondial. $40 million doesn’t get you an Enzo out in front of your fake hotel. It gets you a Mondial.

Twilight - 1080

Love how they’re keeping tabs on her.

Colin:

Just a point I remembered from before, but we saw the Cullens eating in the cafeteria.

Twilight - 1081

Or… not.

How can you give them the slip so easy? They’re VAMPIRES!

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and the stupidest climax I have ever seen.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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One response

  1. Darth Delicious

    In defense, I’d point out that alot of the plot holes you guys pointed out are explained out in more detail in the books. TEAM EDWARD!

    August 1, 2013 at 10:25 pm

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