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Fun with Franchises: Twilight (2008), Part V — “I’m Team Everyone Die in a Fire”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today’s Twilight, Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Twilight:

Twilight - Title Card

Part V begins… isn’t this where we came in?

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“I’ve never given much thought to how I would die…”

Yeah… you’re not allowed to do this right now.

You know why?

Because you put this voiceover on top of images at the beginning. If you did it all over black, or over the deer asshole, we’d be cool. But you made it seem like the voiceover was happening while she was holding that stupid little cactus. So that makes this totally not allowed and AWFUL filmmaking.

Truly awful.

Colin:

So let me get this straight. You’re going to die in the place of your mother, even though there’s absolutely ZERO guarantee that the guy won’t kill her immediately after she kills you? If I were a parent, I’d want my kid to give me the choice of who goes, cause I’d make it me. But instead, Bella takes it upon herself to sacrifice herself so her mother can spend the next 30 years (maybe?) shacked up with a minor leaguer. Great. Ever consider she might be severely traumatized by being kidnapped and then having her daughter murdered, possibly before her very eyes?

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Also, are we seriously about to have our climax happen at a dance studio?

And did you seriously take a cab all the way there? Who are you, the Fresh Prince?

Colin:

Did she pay for that cab?

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“I can’t bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me face to face with death. They also brought me to Edward.”

Seriously. Fuck you.

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DO YOU REALLY THINK PEPPER SPRAY IS GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO A FUCKING VAMPIRE

Colin:

Got her ninja turtle tampon. Everything’s gonna be fine.

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Isn’t it weird that this dude is randomly following her out of nowhere? Can we stop to go through what happened in this movie?

Her mother marries a triple-a baseball player. She moves with her dad because her mother (who is clearly like 45) is going off with him (clearly like, 30. Maybe. Though you’d think someone 30 still in triple-a would know to give it up). She gets a truck from a crippled Native American guy with a weird son with long hair. This doesn’t go anywhere. She meets Anna Kendrick and gay Asian kid and nerdy Asian girl and that random white guy who unfortunately has my name. This goes nowhere. She meets Edward. They have a weird meeting. He saves her from getting hit by a car. There’s a token black guy in there somewhere. Eventually they start talking normally. Then they fall in love out of nowhere. There’s some weird spider monkey shit. And baseball. And now this guy wants to kill her.

At some point we went from really slow progressing love story to random thriller out of nowhere.

And none of it was well-developed at all.

Colin:

They could have at least thrown in a Hispanic or two just to round out the crayon box.

Or written a better movie.

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Colin:

This place is randomly open? Did he open it?

That’s the problem with white women. They assume everything is open to them.

Colin:

They do, though. They’re different from every other group. Like, stereotypical sassy black women will knock down a door to gain access to a place, but they understand how crazy it is. They’re just out-crazying everything in their path, knowing that it’ll gain them access to shit. And white men (typically the group with the MOST access to shit) don’t always assume their access is assured, but will recognize a need to pull strings or exert influence to gain access to shit (including territories and property), so they make that happen. Only white women walk up to something and assume they’re entitled to it, cause why the fuck wouldn’t they be?

I hate white people.

This is one of the major subtitles of my life.

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Colin:

What if it was a T-1000 the whole time, just imitating Mom’s voice? And Mom’s already dead, with a spike through her head and the milk?

Then I’d like this movie better?

Colin:

At this point, that’s the answer to just about any hypothetical I could pose.

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Why the fuck are you running? Like getting there quicker is gonna save Mom.

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Naturally it’s a movie. Because you’re a FUCKING IDIOT!

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I hope his next sentence is, “Are you really that stupid?”

She deserves to die.

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“That’s my favorite part.”

Implying that you watched it more than once?

Colin:

I love how fucking ridiculous it is that he watched this video in her house, figured out what it was, decided to bring it, and (after first rewinding it, cause that’s a reflex we all have) came here and then searched all through this place for the TV. Then he wheeled it out and spent like five minutes trying to figure out why it wouldn’t play, before he found out that not only wasn’t it on channel 03, he hadn’t screwed in the coax cable, which the last person had left out since the last time they were playing a DVD. Fucking Brenda and her DVDs.

Fucking Brenda and Her DVDs.

Colin:

Then he fast-fowarded to the right spot because he’d rewound it and put it on pause to wait until she got there. When she pulled up, he ran in, hit play, and then scampered back to set up his entrance. And here we are. Isn’t it great how AWFUL shit is when you take a second to think about what lengths someone would have to go to for something like this? And this movie was awful to begin with.

Also, I thought the joy for him was the hunt? He basically took all this effort to eliminate the very thing he enjoys. Wouldn’t he have liked it better if he ran after her for like, a month, and tracked her down and killed her, Searchersstyle?

But I guess that implies that this makes any sense whatsoever and was actually halfway thought out properly.

Colin:

That’ll be the day.

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Colin:

Mirrors. Enter the Dragon, much?

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Can I just say how much I hate men with long hair? If you’re a professional wrestler or a singer or something, fine. But you look like a tremendous douche. How many men actually look good with long hair?

Colin:

This guy reminds me too much of the alt guys I went to high school with, and I hate it.

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He looks like he’s spitting some G at her.

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You deserve to die.

You brought this upon yourself.

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All right there, American Beauty.

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Is he framing her up? What is this? Why would you film you killing her? You’re only gonna kill her once? Are you gonna keep this video and jerk off to it or something?

Why would you even have a DVD player? You’re a vampire.

You gonna burn this and sit it on the shelf next to all your Home Improvement DVDs?

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Colin:

This is getting kinky. Not bad. What tells me it won’t last?

The basic principles of generic filmmaking?

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Fuck this movie. Seriously. Fuck it.

Colin:

I REALLY don’t get why any of this is happening. It’s going to boil down to a straight fight between them at some point. Why don’t they just have the fight? Why not keep her in Forks, stick close to Dad and everyone and don’t even bring Mom into the picture? Just fight it out, cause that’s what’s going to happen anyway.

Just go Skyfall with it. Siege scenario. Home Alone that shit. Or do something better. Have him chase her through Forks at night. Through the high school or something. Anything but this. This is arbitrary and terrible.

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This face.

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A HA HA HA HA WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Colin:

He flies. I don’t know if you knew that. But he flies. And it doesn’t even really look like wires. That much.

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This face.

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Naturally you have to throw her to the ground. All these scenes have to have that. Wouldn’t want to be original, would we?

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That’s more of a facial expression than 98% of all the other scenes in this movie.

Colin:

If you rotated her onto her back a little bit, she might look sorta like Hermione did after they hit the ground with the portkey.

And if you spun her in circles, she’d look like Gandalf.

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Ever see moonlight that looked like that?

All the time, right?

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Naturally she’s bleeding. How, I have no fucking clue.

Colin:

Tell me she hits her head and bleeds. Oh yeah. That’s what she did. Of course she did. I can’t wait to read these books. This is some Pulitzer-level stuff right here. I gave Rowling shit when we did Harry Potter…this is a WHOLE new world level of unacceptable.

What’s with her lips in this shot? Did you put on lipstick to go get murdered?

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SNAP!

Colin:

Did he just break her leg?! Favorite part of the movie. It’s not even over, and I’m already almost positive that this is going to be my favorite part. Her leg, snapping.

Why isn’t he wearing shoes?

Does he really wear clothes but no shoes all the time?

You run in the woods for a living.

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Flattering.

Colin:

It should be telling that the first thing I notice about this shot is how his camcorder is low on battery. Better wrap this up pretty quick.

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Colin:

This. This shot. Right here. ^^

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Now I’m just rubbing it in.

Colin:

I hope none of it rubs off. Also, notice how he just started recording, but there’s already almost 13 minutes of tape. I bet the rest of this tape is Mom fucking that minor leaguer. There’s no way he was playing the home video from the camcorder, right? I refuse to believe they just had it hanging around with that original tape in it from 1998. It’s Mom fucking the minor leaguer.

I don’t know. He did have some time to wait for her to show up. Maybe he shot some other stuff.

Colin:

I bet they like doing it to the Red Hot Chili Peppers. But when they do it to By the Way, they need to finish before track 14, or he loses all his self-esteem and the rest of their video ends up being some warm tape of a Venice queen.

Do you really think he makes it past “Around the World”?

I bet by the time they reach track four, he’s already dosed off.

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“I’M NOT A FUCKING COP!!”

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“Are you gonna stop doing drug deals with your jerkoff fucking cousin?!”

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Colin:

She’s being made to suffer. Obviously, Edward has to sho—yup, there he is.

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Terry Tate, Vampire Linebacker

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Gay vampire fight!

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She can feel her leg.

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What’s that look about? “Did you seriously come all the way here and get your leg broken?”

Or is it more like, “I can’t believe you’re making me do this,” like when a woman drags her husband to a stupid dinner party with her annoying friends?

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I would say I was reading more into this look than is there, but I’m trying real hard not to make a joke about the period blood on her hands.

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This stupid lighting is taking me out of the fight.

Which sucks anyway.

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Did he say, “You’re faster than the others?”

Are we really stealing dialogue from Matrix sequels?

Colin:

Seriously, they could be stealing dialogue from a Dirty Dancing rip-off and it’d still be a Step Up.

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Kicks to the chest are always welcome.

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Colin:

Shit, nobody told me they got Yuen Woo-ping cough to do the fight choreography! This is easily better than The Matrix.

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Honestly, I have nothing to say about this fight. It’s awful.

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“I’m sorry.”

For… what? Not letting her die just then?

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Is he gonna throw her at him?! That would be AWESOME!

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A HA HA HE CAUGHT THEM

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Fuck you and your tally ho too.

Colin:

That looked like it hurt, what with her leg being messed up and all.

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That’s funny. He just threw him at the window.

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Just slit your wrist and end it all, Bella.

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Wipe yourself off… you’re bleeding.

Good thing this movie doesn’t know what arteries are, right?

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Colin:

We love-a da blood!

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She’s pretty useless.

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Colin:

Hey, she was bitten! Is she done now? Is she a vampire now? Well that’s it, Edward. You done fucked up.

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I like how he jumps down and just bear hugs him.

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Well there goes that floor.

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It looks like she’s being bled by a medieval doctor.

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I told you this was the same face she’d make if she found out her parents were dead.

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So many o-faces in this franchise.

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Apparently that’s what it looks like when you turn into a vampire.

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“Lion face, HA! Lemon face, OOH!”

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And you can tell they’re on wires, so there’s really no suspense to this at all.

Not only that, we have no real sense of what they can and can’t do, which makes it all even dumber.

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Colin:

He landed on his feet.

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Look at this fucking shot.

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Useless.

Also, look at these past two shots next to one another. They’re hilarious.

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Are they gonna make out or is he gonna rip his throat out?

Name me one other movie where that possibility exists.

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I rest my case.

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Was that actually his jugular?

Colin:

Getting some of that manpire neck.

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Did he spit it on her? Because that would be funny.

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Honestly, watch this movie with the sound off and it’s like she’s cumming everywhere.

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And just as Edward is about to kill him…

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Colin:

The Cullens show up just in time to stop him from doing anything remotely interesting.

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“Hey! Anything new! Wanna see my nails?”

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Crazy eyes.

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“Remember who you are.”

We should all be insulted by that line.

You can not fuck with James Earl Jones like that.

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Colin:

Ah…Alice getting a whiff of the blood is making a play for my top three moments. Cause it’s like, “Yeah! What DAT smell like?!”

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Colin:

Robert Pattinson actually looks like Michael Cera to me in this moment. The way he’s standing and his hair and shit. That’s amusing.

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Holy shit, she just snapped his fucking neck!

And she smelled her fingers when she got blood all over them.

Favorite character in this franchise.

Colin:

Did she just rip off his head? Why aren’t we getting to watch that? If I wanted to see a girl writhe on the floor, I’d watch women’s soccer.

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These motherfuckers know how to get rid of a body.

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Her teeth annoy me.

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“Her femoral artery’s been severed, she’s losing too much blood.”

Oh, so they do know what arteries are, but only when it’s convenient.

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“The venom.”

Colin:

Wait, she got bitten. Isn’t that it? Oh, because it’s venom, they can stop it? Maybe if they cut off her hand? I think Lord of the Rings is our only franchise yet that hasn’t featured someone with at least one fake hand. Dr. No had two metal hands, Peter Pettigrew obviously had his fake hand, Star Wars was a fake hand orgy…I’m sure you’ll be just fine, Bella.

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He can either turn her or hope she doesn’t bleed out.

Colin:

I love how this is the first bit of synopsis we’ve gotten in about 100 screenshots because everything else that’s happened has been pretty self-explanatory and our only job has been to say, “Are you fucking kidding?”

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I was gonna call out her wearing that stupid belt earlier. Now it makes sense.

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I love makeshift tourniquets.

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She’s fine.

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“Try to suck the venom out.”

Did Arwen do this to Frodo?

Colin:

Oh, no. He has to suck the venom out. Of course, her salvation comes through him overcoming his greatest temptations and animal cravings. Hooray, religion. People who perform superhuman feats, but are constantly faced with moral and ethical challenges; whose ‘strength’ is only ever doubted when it comes to willpower. I really didn’t expect it to be this overt.

So are they advocating for just oral instead of sex?

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I love that they’re dismembering and burning a body while all this is happening.

Twilight - 1194

Clock’s ticking, Rob. Top two answers are on the board.

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Kinda weird how she doesn’t have an opinion in the matter.

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So, for those keeping track – climax of our franchises’ first movies so far – boy stops evil wizard from gaining immortality through the power of love (and also burning a dude’s fucking face off), guy blows up a giant space station, a giant fucking battle happens where a guy is killed and another guy goes off to brave a dangerous journey alone (but also with another guy), guy sucks poison out of a chick’s wrist.

And somehow, writing that, Harry Potter seems almost as bad as this.

Colin:

I was never really hot on those stories. I can do without the Voldemort shit and all that. The only reason that’s worth it is for Fiennes. But other than that, it’s all universe. Which is why our Harry Potter TV series would be fucking amazing. In fact, don’t even put Harry in it. Just regular people.

That was the idea. Have nothing to do with the books. The books happened in the 90s, I’m talking doing this shit now. All of the teachers are gone or retired, and it’s just complete new stuff happening in this universe. That’s what would make it good. We’re not stepping on that story at all.

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They don’t need no water.

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Also, I really hope the person who owns this studio has insurance.

Colin:

I bet it’s hard to dance when you’re insured up the ass. 

Twilight - 1201

But actually, how hilarious is it that these people are burning a body in the background of this scene?

Twilight - 1202

For the record, we are all more interested in that, aren’t we?

Twilight - 1203

Apparently he can’t stop.

Colin:

“Stop, you’re killing her.” He’s DRINKING it, too? He should just be sucking it out. You gotta spit, not swallow. That’s showing weakness.

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And she looks like a cartoon character who just got hit over the head with a mallet.

Colin:

Now THAT I would love to see.

Twilight - 1205

How about you just make him stop, buddy? You seem pretty okay with this.

Instead he just says that he’s killing her again and again.

Colin:

Carlisle, maybe you should…you know…DO something rather than just repeatedly telling him to do the right thing. We already learned this from Elrond Hubbard and Isildur.

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What the fuck?

Twilight - 1208

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WHY ARE THERE SEX LOOKS EVEN IN THE HALLUCINATIONS

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THE DEER ASSHOLE IS BACK!!!

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Colin:

What is this song that’s happening in the background and how do I make it stop?

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When did that happen?

Colin:

It hasn’t yet. This is like the Ghost of Christmas Future’s retarded cousin Yancy, who shows you bullshit that need never come to pass, but fucking will anyway.

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“Death is peaceful.”

I would have given this movie five stars if they cut to black right now and ended with that line.

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Is she shitting?

Colin:

Are you not?

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“Life is harder.”

Fuck you.

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You should have died.

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Mom is scary.

Colin:

It would be troubling to wake up to Nina Myers’ face.

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I thought you never sleep.

Colin:

Edward’s pretending to be asleep, I guess? They all pulled a fast one on the parents.

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She can’t feel her legs.

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Apparently they created this whole fake story. Which of course involves her falling down some stairs.

Twilight - 1233

… and going through a window.

Of course that makes perfect sense. Two flights of stairs and a window. This sounds like two guys making up a lie on the spot. “Yeah, a flight of stairs.” “Two flights of stairs!” “Yeah, two flights! And through a window!”

Colin:

She fell down two flights of stairs (well that takes care of any possible pregnancies, too – that’s like the reset button on that whole…business) and through a window? And got a horrendous bite mark on her wrist! Unless they slit her wrist up a lot more to cover up the bites. Which would have been fucked up and hilarious.

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“Yeah, that sounds like me.”

Twilight - 1235

There’s a whole scene here – basically she’s gonna stay in Forks.

She also wants her father.

And now I see where the narrative was supposed to be going this whole time, relationship-wise.

I imagine the book is blatantly on the nose with this, how she prefers her mother until right now. And the movie didn’t bother with any of that, I see.

Awful begets awful, I suppose.

Colin:

I’m so glad my parents never put me in a position to choose where to live. Jesus, that’s weird.

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So how’d they explain the bite marks on her hand?

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Colin:

“Baby, you look GOOD.” She must smell GREAT right now.

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“What happened? Where’s James?”

“We took care of him.”

Colin:

They took care of him. Like maybe he…stabbed himself in the back four times and threw himself off a bridge.

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Yes, that’s a face you want walking toward you right after it says it got rid of a body.

(“Where is the RING?!”)

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“And the woman, Victoria, she ran off.”

Uhh… from where? She hasn’t been seen since that baseball game. It’s not like she was hanging around the ballet studio the whole time. It was just that one asshole.

Colin:

The chick ran off! And Big Love’s still out there somewhere, and I don’t trust him at all. Not cause he’s black. Just cause…that’s how bad plots work. So I’m going to bet all the wampum I’ve got that he’s gonna be back to hurt SOMEONE in the future.

Twilight - 1252

Colin:

Did they just turn up the volume on her heart monitor? Did this movie get awards for sound mixing? Cause that was some…quality. 

Anyway, boring conversation. “I’m alive because of you.” “You’re in here because of me.” “I thought I couldn’t stop.” “You did stop.” “You have to go live with your mother.” “I don’t want to do that.”

Let’s pause on that last part. Because –

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“No!”

Raised voice.

Colin:

Is she having a stroke? She didn’t manage to string together three words in that whole…mess of face moving.

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But she doesn’t finish the sentence.

Glimmer of hope… right back to despair.

“You can’t say stuff like that to me. Ever.”

Modern speech has killed romantic dialogue.

Colin:

Okay, so that conversation turned right around. “You gotta go.” “NO!” “I mean…duh.”

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“Where else am I gonna go?”

Colin:

This movie would have been a lot less unacceptable if he’d kissed her forehead, pulled back a bit, smacked his lips and gone, “Mmmm.” The way William Powell does it when he drinks the martini he makes at the beginning of The Thin Man. I bet you this is the first time that movie has been referenced in a review of this series, and for good reason.

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All… right.

Colin:

It looks like morning. Is it not morning? Dad’s drinking.

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“Mama said these were my magic shoes…”

Colin:

She’s more machine than man. Twisted and evil.

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“They would take me anywhere.”

Colin:

She’s wearing a single Converse sneaker. Whoa, and can we talk about these cankles? I’ve seen elephants with more defined ankles. 

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“Bella, you got new legs! New legs!”

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But what he actually says is that the cast is —

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“Perfect.”

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Colin:

Dad doesn’t like it when you call his daughter ‘perfect’ in that high, rape-y voice.

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“I put a new can of pepper spray in your bag.”

I actually like this line. Good job.

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“And you look beautiful.”

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“I’ll take it.”

Colin:

We’re back to awkward with Dad. How else is it gonna be after you walk out on him the same way your mother did?

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Colin:

I’d almost forgotten that this vampire drives a Volvo C30.

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Oh christ. This asshole?

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“You’re still in this movie?”

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Apparently his father paid him to come talk to her.

Colin:

That’s always a great way to start a conversation with a girl. Creep out from behind a tree, tell her your Dad paid you $20 to talk to her, and tell her not to be mad with what you’re about to say. That’s a winning strategy if I ever saw one.

Also, consider how cheap this makes him sound, and then remember that the Mormons believe Native Americans to be lost Jews. Yeah.

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Wheels wants her to break up with Edward.

So, to get this straight – a 45-year old Native American dude in a wheelchair is paying his son $20 to tell a 17-year old girl to break up with her boyfriend.

Okay, good talk.

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“He said, quote – ‘We’ll be watching you.’”

So… yeah. That happened.

Colin:

Oh! Then you’re supposed to tell her that they’ll be watching her. Nothing like that to make a girl feel comfortable. Right, Kait?

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“I’ll take it from here.”

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Looks.

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Colin:

CUE CONSPICUOUS EYE-NARROWING!

This is the moment where we all need to start choosing between Team Edward and Team Jacob.

I’m Team Everyone Die in a Fire.

Colin:

Subtitle. Yes, yes, yes, that’s the subtitle. For the franchise.

Twilight - 1281

Colin:

Isn’t it kinda funny though, that he’s not coming to the prom and has no intention of staying, but he still shows up in suit pants and a dress shirt and tie?

Twilight - 1282

“I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend.”

I get it.

Colin:

Haha, get it? He said ‘wolves.’ Why doesn’t he tell her about them? She knows most of the other stuff.

Twilight - 1283

She didn’t want to be here, but he says it was important for her to go.

Colin:

He calls prom an important rite of passage. Maybe I missed something, but I went to several proms and none of them were really…rites of passage. I’d call them more like glorified dinner parties that turned into people trying to dance poorly. And if you’re white, that happens regularly.

That’s exactly what it is. And honestly, I’d have gone to mine if they didn’t tell me I had to pay for it.

My favorite are the people who drop crazy bucks on dresses and limos and shit. Especially where I went to school. Since it’s like, “Aww… you’re still gonna be here in 30 years.”

Colin:

The first girl through the door is Asian. Again – tiny, rural town of 3,120 people, and it’s got a surprising diverse bunch of citizens.

Twilight - 1284

I hope Anna Kendrick bought the boobie dress.

Twilight - 1285

Twilight - 1286

White people dancing.

Twilight - 1287

Twilight - 1288

What a shitty prom.

I’ve had better parties than this on a Saturday in college.

Twilight - 1289

Twilight - 1290

She did buy the boobie dress.

Twilight - 1291

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She actually mouths, “I know, right?”

So basically what just happened is, Kristen Stewart said, “Your tits look nice,” and Anna Kendrick said, “My tits look amazing, right?!”

Twilight - 1295

I don’t want to stain a franchise by association by making a Pussy Galore joke right now.

Twilight - 1296

Token black guy’s got hisself a white bitch.

Colin:

I like how this is the fakest smile that Edward’s put on all evening, cause he probably has more in common with Paula Deen than with the rest of us.

Twilight - 1297

…and the gay Asian.

Apparently he’s the only one willing to try to pull off the hat, though.

More people should try to pull off hats.

Colin:

I see him pulling off the all black. You have to be not white to pull that off. Or if you are white, you need black hair at the very least, unless you’re just one of those people who can rock anything. You won’t see me ever attempt this. A hat, sure. Triple black? Fuck no.

Twilight - 1298

That’s gonna be their relationship from now on, isn’t it? She reacts to people and he looks at her.

Colin:

It’s nice, him smiling at her friends. He’s making an effort. Aw.

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“You wanna go?”

“Yes.”

Twilight - 1300

I like this set, I don’t think this movie’s earned it.

Twilight - 1301

Of course they have to dance, because what else could the plot be leading up to?

Colin:

It looks like a titty is trying to happen here.

Twilight - 1302

Remember, he is like 100 years old.

Twilight - 1303

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Colin:

I’m still amazed by his hair. It must have the tensile strength of spider silk.

Humorously enough — exact same hair Andrew Garfield has in Spider-Man.

No one wants to bring that up.

This is becoming the new hair.

Colin:

Which is weird, cause the other stuff moves along quickly enough. He’s got a fat fucking tie in this scene, because it’s before Mad Men really blew up and made skinny ties the thing they are now.

Twilight - 1306

I also like how everyone conveniently goes off and leaves them alone for this.

Colin:

One of the other couples peels off to ravage each other in the side room where they keep all the spare chairs. The other couple looks like Dana Carvey and Kim Basinger dancing in Wayne’s World 2. And now they’re off to make akward, sensuous love in his older brother’s 1996 Ford Probe. That’s exactly what his older brother drives, and it’s completely coincidental that the car’s model name is “Probe.”

Twilight - 1307

“Why did you save me?”

This conversation could have been had at any point in time before right now.

He could have let the venom spread. And she would have been like him right now.

Twilight - 1309

His response? “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

Twilight - 1308

“I want you. Always.”

Kill me.

Twilight - 1310

“I’m not gonna end your life.”

Colin:

You don’t want no part of this shit!

Twilight - 1311

“I’m dying. Already. Every second I get closer.”

I can’t tell which way I’d rather this go – her saying she’s dying because she can’t be with him forever, or her saying she’s dying because that’s what happens.

Both seem pretty stupid, but I’m trying to figure which way I’d rather it end up.

Twilight - 1312

“That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

Oh, well, that wasn’t so bad.

Twilight - 1313

She says she’s made her choice.

Colin:

She’s throwing cliché lines at him, cause that’s what seems to work.

“So that’s what you dream about? Becoming a monster.”

Twilight - 1314

“I dream about being with you forever.”

Somehow this would be okay if the rest of the movie were better.

Colin:

Forget the ‘being with you forever’ part. She just saw them play baseball and wants to be a superhero.

Twilight - 1315

“Forever…”

Twilight - 1316

“And you’re ready right now?”

Twilight - 1317

“Yes.”

Twilight - 1318

Twilight - 1319

Twilight - 1320

Twilight - 1321

Twilight - 1322

Did they actually think we’d think for a second that he was actually gonna do it?

Twilight - 1323

“Is it not enough to have a long and happy life with me?”

Fair question.

Twilight - 1324

One more for the road, huh?

“Yeah.”

Twilight - 1325

“For now.”

Colin:

You knew exactly how this was going to go. She has to stay the innocent. They can’t consummate their relationship yet by making her a vampire. She has to offer herself to him and he has to refuse it. “But I wanna wait. Are you okay with that?” “Yeah…for now. But sooner or later, we gotta get this blood train rolling. Or whatever.”

You guys get it, right? This whole thing is religious, and the bite is sex. 

Twilight - 1326

Twilight - 1327

Twilight - 1328

Colin:

Must be nice, kissing those cold, sorta dead lips.

(Just like Lana Turner)

Twilight - 1329

“No one will surrender tonight. But I won’t give in. I know what I want.”

All… right.

Colin:

She knows what she wants. I know what I want. For this movie to end.

Twilight - 1330

Twilight - 1331

Twilight - 1332

Twilight - 1333

Twilight - 1334

All… right.

Colin:

Uh oh! It’s evil chick! Why would she get all dolled up to come and spy on them?

Maybe she’s here to kill the movie. She IS! It’s OVER!

(Too late)

Twilight - 1335

Twilight - 1336

That’s the last shot of the movie? Really?

Do I really have to watch four more movies of this shit?

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow we go over our favorite shots (Jesus), and Sunday we do our final thoughts (that should be fun), and then Monday we start New Moon.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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