Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – New Moon (2009), Part I — “Hello Biceps, Goodbye Integrity”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today we start New Moon.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the first part of New Moon:

Colin:

New Moan. Er…New Moon.

No, you had it right the first time.

That’s right. They can afford a new logo now that they got that truck full of money from the last one.

Colin:

Hah. This was by Summit Entertainment? It’s funny, because in terms of quality and achievement, I’d say this franchise has more in common with the Marianas Trench or the Laurentian Abyssal than any mountain. Unless it’s a shit mountain.

I get it.

That’s actually a nice title reveal.

Colin:

Look! It’s a new moon! That’s that, everyone go home.

“Good morning, Moon.” — Vampires

… and, now we can leave.

Colin:

The more of these articles we do, the faster we get at offending people. If you make it through the first 50 lines or so without a feeling of moral indignation, you’re probably good to stick around. If not…we don’t want you around. Enjoy your game of croquet.

Yeah, and stop being such a croqcunt.

“These violent delights have violent ends. And in their triumph, die, like fire and powder. Which, as they kiss, consume.”

Colin:

You’re starting the movie with a voiceover. Again. Really, what have we done to deserve this delight?

Remember Worcester?

Colin:

Oh… yeah.

Don’t worry, I’m sure the voiceover will only be at the beginning and the very end. Because the least they can do is make you wonder why it was there at all, rather than doing it all the way through and at being consistent with the shittiness.

Colin:

There’s 130 minutes of this? I’m trying to remember the last time I felt this sense of dread, and it might be when I went down on a chick for the first time. It was sloppy, sickening, and it made a teenage girl sob, so I’m betting this is going to be more of the same.

I think my last time was when I proclaimed that I was the law.

It didn’t end well.

And we open with this.

Why is everybody dressed like that?

Colin:

Buncha red riding hoodlums hanging out in a square. What, is this, the crossover with Dan Brown’s books? That would make the shitty complete.

Something Something Something Illuminati.

This is a dream, isn’t it?

I guess then you can say we… red, her mind.

Colin:

I know I wasn’t the only one hoping for a titty to pop out.

I don’t think hers are the type to pop. They’re more the type to peek out like Kilroy.

Uh oh. Frank Miller’s coming in on that train.

Colin:

The clock strikes noon, and…I don’t give a shit?

Apparently she can’t handle buttons.

Colin:

Sure are a lotta buttons on that shirt that are going to waste. Couldn’t you waste one more?

Already the cinematography is better than the last movie. (Maybe because they had about $20 million more to shoot it. Or a better director.)

Colin:

Flowers. Purple flowers. This must mean something, but they’re deciding to do one of those, “start the movie with some shit that’ll mean something later on,” so we have no idea what the hell is up. I hate it when lesser filmmakers try to pull this shit. You’re not Tarantino, but apparently you really want to be. So even though I know you’re not good enough to be him, I have to think, “Is there gonna be toe stuff? There better not be toe stuff.” Cause the one thing that’ll always get you is surprise toe stuff.

Are they gonna play the Love theme from Romeo and Juliet and have them run into each other’s arms?

Oh, that’s an old lady.

Is this Room 237?

Colin:

Ew ew ew ew an old lady.

Just like the gypsy woman said.

An old mime lady.

Awkward waves are funny in long shot.

Colin:

What if she got hit by a bus right now? You know that’s what we’re all thinking. Don’t pretend like you weren’t waiting for a bus to demolish her.

Which reminds me of AP Language and Composition in 11th grade, when we watched Meet Joe Black for fun after the AP exam had passed. At the very beginning, when Brad Pitt’s walking in the street, I made a snarky comment aloud, like, “What if he just got taken out by a car?” and my teacher (tiny, older Italian woman from Brooklyn who reminded me of a female Mel Brooks) was furious, because that’s exactly what went down. When she yelled at me for giving away what was about to happen I had to explain that, no, I hadn’t ever seen the movie — I’m just an asshole.

It’s funny how often I also have to explain this — “No, I wasn’t trying to be that asshole, I’m just an asshole. The timing just happened to work out.”

Colin:

Maybe we were always assholes.

I think now’s a good time to explain this.

Almost exactly a year ago (The email is dated August 13, 2012), Colin was getting on a plane to go back home to the US for a few weeks. (Pretty sure it was warrant-related.) And he was telling me about all the hot Asian stewardesses and such — “They leave the cabin and change clothes every time they serve a meal. Yes.”

And as he was getting ready to board, he opened up his U.S. phone for when he landed back home. And as he did, the most recent conversation on it was the one he and I were having when he boarded the plane for Japan. So he said, “I’ll bring up our conversation from when I was boarding last August. It was…amusing.”

And then he sent me this:

Mike: My problem is, I’d need to be able to use my computer for part of it, and usually you end up with a douchebag next to you who’ll look over at what you’re doing.

Colin: Yeah. I’ll probably watch movies available. No laptop. It’s also huge. Could write or read or something. Or maybe I’ll be seated next to a hot Japanese chick and I can beat off under a blanket when they dim the cabin lights.

Mike: That’s the opening scene of a movie. Trailer moment.

Colin: …and there’s the whale.

Mike: Son of a bitch. I do not suggest smearing it all over her when you’re done, though. They do not take kindly to that on planes. Buses are okay, though.

Colin: Jizz and chalk it up to heavy turbulence. When this plane’s a-rockin’…

Mike: Just be like, “Are you familiar with the work of Miike?”

And I responded — “I love how, over the course of a year, the conversation hasn’t changed.”

To which Colin said, “It really hasn’t. Maybe we were always assholes.”

And I immediately made sure we filed that away for future autobiography use. Colin said it sounded like a better version of “We Were Soldiers.”

And what’s even funnier is, the very first thing Colin says after we mentioned how great a subtitle that was for us was: “Great, now it’s ‘RIP Dead Chick’ all over Facebook.”

Colin:

This really is the kind of story that separates out those casual readers who thought this whole thing was an act and the people who are okay with that level of awfulness.

To be fair, though — that”RIP Dead Chick” shit is annoying. It’s just more of a personal version of the Twitter trending topics. I hate that stuff. It annoys me when people rush to put anything out on social media. Or like when a big disaster or something happens, like when those bombs went off at the marathon. Everyone rushed to extend thoughts and prayers and bullshit, like that mattered. That’s always why I don’t say anything. My one response is always, “I’ll keep my thoughts and prayers to myself, thank you.” Like it means less because I don’t say anything.

Reminds me of that Ricky Gervais tweet for whatever natural disaster happened a few months ago. One of those vapid, stupid celebrity news sites tweeted, “Rihanna and Britney Spears send thoughts and prayers to victims of (whatever),” and he retweeted and wrote, “Now don’t I feel like an idiot. I only gave money.” That, right there, is my feeling on all of this.

To be fair, though… I’m the person who keeps my feelings to myself and makes jokes about it, just because, if you can’t make jokes, then why are we really here? So maybe we were always assholes.

Pretty sure the first two slogans we ever had were, “Maybe We Were Always Assholes,” and “This Is Why You Have People.”

Which — maybe we should save the “This Is Why I Have People” story for when we really need it, when the movies get so bad we have to resort to telling other stories just to stay interested.

So expect it in Part II.

Apparently it’s her grandmother.

Colin:

Ah, it’s gonna be HER, isn’t it? Watch this. Watch me be right.

Watch This. Watch Me Be Right.

He just does that.

I like this location.

Lot of those coats on him.

Colin:

Doesn’t he get too hot in something like tha– oh, right. Vampire. Cold. Doesn’t matter. Not that it would anyway.

God, that house must suck. Women get cold all the time and this asshole is dead.

They can never own a cat.

Which — why don’t vampires have pets?

Why aren’t there vampire pets?

Is this too far down the rabbit hole for Stephanie Meyer? I think it might be. I feel like she couldn’t extend the rules of her “universe” this far. Even though her universe is essentially this universe but with vampires and werewolves.

And even the rules of those things are vague and stupid and meaningless.

“Edward, don’t, she’ll see you.”

What?

Is he pulling out his dick or something?

Is it time for a Cold One?

(That would be funny if he started a brewery.)

Oh, the sparkle. Forgot about the sparkle.

Apparently she doesn’t care.

Is this the same old lady from Legion who called that woman a cunt and crawled all over the ceiling?

I hope it is.

And if it’s not, I hope she calls Kristen Stewart a cunt and crawls around this field.

Apparently granny is mirroring everything she does.

Colin:

I want to be more proud of being right here, but…it’s like predicting that a dog would sniff its own shit. Even though it’s an easy guess, you don’t want to be right.

All right. More of a facial expression.

Or maybe he stuck a finger up her butt.

If this holds up, I’m going to blame Catherine Hardwicke for the shitty acting in the first one. (That is to say – if this one ends up being borderline respectable, as opposed to horribly shitty.)

Colin:

Oh no, so let me guess. She’s dreaming about getting old while he stays young, which is depressing to her, and so this movie is going to be about her trying to get him to turn her into a vampire. Is that it? Is that gonna be most of this movie?

This is like that scene with Lucy and Harpo.

“Happy birthday, Bella.”

I get it.

Colin:

Aw, he still loves her even though she’s gross.

Oh, for fuck’s…

Colin:

She fell asleep reading Romeo and Juliet. You’re actively making the association between this shit and Shakespeare.

This movie is making my anus bleed.

Colin:

This Movie Is Making My Anus Bleed

That aside, one thing that always takes me out of movies is when there are dream sequences like this. I… don’t really ever remember my dreams. Like, at all. And if I do wake up remembering my dream, I’ve forgotten about it within minutes of waking up. Sometimes I do have the same dream again, but it’s usually just a scenario or something that repeats. It’s nothing particularly concrete or meaningful. That is to say, I don’t stress about something and it shows up in my dreams. My dreams are usually shit like, “We’re all on this giant compound, and we’re escaping, Stalag 17 style, and we gotta make sure the Gerries don’t shoot us in the head.” Never do I dream about anything this related to what’s going on with me. Ever. And I sure as shit don’t remember it.

Off the top of my head, I think I can remember about… two dreams vividly, and one of them was only because I wrote it down immediately (and it actually was the impetus for me originally joining Facebook. I was one of those people who refused to join Facebook. I didn’t get it until like, May of my freshman year of college. I didn’t even know what the fuck it was until two months into college. Which was like, 2006. Though I think, back then, it wasn’t as much of a staple as it is now). And the other one was one of those that was so vivid it actually woke me up.

But… something like this… it always takes me out of a movie, to see a character dreaming something related to what they’re going through. Why can’t a movie just have a random ass dream sequence about nothing?

I’m gonna do that. I’m gonna write a movie that starts with (or includes) a dream sequence that is just random and has nothing to do with anything, and is more like an actual dream. And then the movie is going to keep going and be totally unrelated to that sequence.

It actually is her birthday.

Colin:

Dad walks in with a present. I guess he got over that whole, daughter-walking-out-on-him-the-way-his-ex-wife-did thing.

I mean, it was like three months ago. That’s like, forever ago.

Also, come to think of it… if you sever an artery in your leg and have your femur snapped along the way, are you really out of a cast that quickly? This is actually three months. Are you really injury free in 90 days? I’m pretty sure if you break your femur, you’re dealing with that shit forever. I’m pretty sure you’re Port of Call New Orleans because of that pain.

(I should note that later in his notes, unrelated to this comment, Colin also asked the same question. I will leave it in for posterity’s sake.)

He gives her a digital camera. The favorite gift of emo teenagers.

Colin:

He got her a digital camera? That’s actually nice.

He means it was nice of him, not that it’s a nice gift. It’s nice of him to get her something so nice after she walked out on him the way his ex-wife did.

“That’s actually great. Thanks, Dad.”

What a stupid line. You sound so ungrateful. If it wasn’t great that means you’d have thrown it out the fucking window? Fuck you. It’s a gift. Take it and be thankful.

Her mother got her a photo album. I’ll spare you the shots.

(To answer your question, yes it was. It always is.)

Colin:

Aw, a scrap book. Something that I’ve realized over the years…nobody who has the time to scrapbook has done anything worth looking at a scrapbook full of.

Also, apparently last year was only her junior prom. So Edward was a real asshole making her go to that, and everyone else was a real asshole making such a big deal about it.

Her father makes a gray hair joke.

She’s touchy about it.

Seeing yourself as an old woman banging a 17 year old sparkling fucker will do that to you.

Colin:

Look at that. The 17 year old taking umbrage at her father calling her old. Oh, no, she’s 17! Why do people always think they’re getting so old? It seems I’m in the minority of people out there who go, “I’m 23! I’m young as hell!” And then, by the time I’m 40, it’ll be, “You young people are great. I did that once. Now I have money.”

It’s actually funny to me when I stop and go, “Shit, I’m only gonna be 25 this year.” I feel so much older until I think about it.

Still, though. I enjoy being in my 20s. I mean, I enjoy being alive, so that’s always gonna take precedent, but being young is awesome.

I actually would become a vampire in a (wait for it) heartbeat. Just because being in my 20s is terrific.

This is that moment when you overreacted like an asshole and have to pretend like you’re now in on the joke and laughing it off.

We don’t believe you.

So many stupid helicopter shots.

Also, hikers are going missing. They still think it’s a wild animal.

Idiots. I’m dealing with idiots.

Colin:

More people getting killed by animals. At what point do people get really freaked out? There’s been like a shit zillion deaths.

Oh, so you’re using parking spaces now?

These fuckers are still here.

Colin:

Hey, look! The gang’s back! You guys start talking, I need to go put my head in the oven.

Apparently she decides to buy into the stupid photo thing.

Colin:

That’s sweet. They take pictures. That’s what teenagers do. Selfie! I don’t accept it as authentic unless someone sexts someone and the photo leaks.

For the record, I’m completely against planned photo taking. It completely ruins the spontaneity of life. The only way it works is if someone is standing there, taking pictures all the time. Only then does it work. Because then you see people acting as they would rather than posing in some sort of organized way. What’s the point? Then it becomes about vanity rather than recording a memory. It’s about, “Wow, look how young we are there. Look at my clothes!” and not, “Look how awesome this moment was.”

Which is why, people who know me will realize (and if you haven’t already, you will now) – I’m barely in any photos people take. Ever. I deliberately get out of the way of a camera for that reason. Unless drinking is involved. There’s a great picture of me, having just finished an entire fifth of whiskey by myself, holding the bottle, looking like Jack Nicholson on a meat and pussy bender. Those pictures are acceptable.

I think the most appropriate photo I’ve ever taken wasn’t planned, which was one of me laughing my ass off because of some comment I just made, while being given the finger at the same time for said comment.

I like the idea of this shot more than I like this shot.

Let’s also appreciate that they’re shooting a digital camera with a film camera. I guess it’s really only sad if they do the opposite.

And now he’s here.

Why does he always drive a Volvo?

Colin:

ANOTHER VOLVO! YEAH! It’s not a C30, though, so it’s less ridiculous than it was. I can almost begin to accept a vampire in an XC60. That C30 was a fucking joke, though. I have fond memories of making fun of that thing. While watching Twilight alone…a few days ago.

They’re always in this pose, aren’t they?

Also, isn’t it nice that he’s not always wearing such stupid jackets?

Colin:

How much time has passed? I guess her leg got unbroke, huh?

She’s worried about her age. He’s 109.

Colin:

Do I have the energy to talk about every line and how awful it is? I do not.

I tapped out. You’ll notice that I just don’t do dialogue in this synopsis. I need a break from it. It’s going to kill me.

I like how he reminds her to go to class. What a caring older gentleman.

Colin:

She’s repulsed by this old man. In fact, the nausea has gotten so bad that she’s gonna use his tongue to make herself throw up.

Oh, it’s this asshole. I already know who it is, I ain’t even gotta look.

Colin:

Wait, did Edward just sense him showing up? They didn’t come together, I know that much.

She makes a joke about steroids.

Colin:

“Hello, Biceps!” Goodbye, integrity!

Subtitle.

“Well I’m just filling out, Bella.”

Sure you are. Maybe them saying they were gonna fire you if you didn’t take steroids had something to do with it.

Colin:

This guy is extremely forward. In a creepy sort of way. And he’s still too smiley.

They have a particularly jaunty conversation. For this franchise, anyway.

Colin:

This conversation is so insanely awkward, I think I just got Parkinson’s. “Is it fast?” “Uhhh…something. Blah blah blah. I have muscles.”

This is the modern Neanderthal.

I feel his pain.

He also wishes her a happy birthday. “Your dad told my dad, so…”

Two things – one, finish your fucking sentences. Really, work on it. I don’t know if it’s in the script or you just don’t know how to act, but… work on it, seriously.

Second – WHY DOES YOUR FATHER KNOW WHEN HER BIRTHDAY IS BUT YOU DON’T?

Colin:

How great is it that you can pull the “our dads are buddies” card? “Why don’t you show me that black thong? What? No, no…your dad told my dad. They’re friends.”

Aww… a dreamcatcher.

Or maybe that’s a Native American diaphragm.

She also says it’s “kinda perfect.” So, for the record – digital camera, “actually great.” Dreamcatcher, “kinda perfect.” I think I’m gonna get her twelve packing peanuts and a half a Kit Kat. She’ll probably blow me in the parking lot.

Colin:

It’s awesome that Edward is just standing there watching Muscle Crow spit G at his girlfriend and give her a dreamcatcher. What are we betting it has some powers to fuck with the Cullens, or something?

And who sees a dreamcatcher and goes, “Oh, so-and-so would love that?”

Someone who has a pet bird named Woodstock?

“So how come Jacob Black gets to give you a gift and I don’t?”

Colin:

He can say the douchiest thing ever and put an awkward smile on the end of it and it just flies. He’s been practicing these faces for 90 years, and his face hasn’t melted during that time.

“Cause I have nothing to give back to you.”

Colin:

Oh for fuck’s sake. She has nothing to give back to him. Boo fuckedy hoo. I’m all for women’s equality and all that, but when girls get upset about guys giving them presents or paying for something because they don’t feel that they can adequately reciprocate, all it tells us is that you’re the sort of person who keeps score of all the nice things people do in life. Which is deeply unattractive.

I like how she says she has nothing to give to him, as if blowjobs aren’t perfectly adequate presents.

“Bella, you give me everything just by breathing.”

Really? Because she gives me tumors by doing the same thing.

*exhale* Is it moist in here or is it just her?

Yeah. He knows.not o

Tally ho!

Oh, she’s seriously my favorite character in this franchise. That was fucking tremendous.

All the best characters need to tally ho as an entrance.

Colin:

We had a bit of a tally ho just then. And I’m totally fine with it because it was a cute chick tally-hoing over a railing. I like it when it’s casual.

That’s what the scar looks like?

She’s already seen her open the present, and she loves it.

That’s an awesome power to have for gift-giving.

Colin:

That’s fucked up. “I already saw you open it.” Does that mean she could envision Bella opening ANYTHING she gave her? Like, she got her something and then had a vision of Bella being horribly underwhelmed, so she got this thing instead? If you had this power, you would have to deal with the alternative futures where you did something that would be disappointing to others and feel that shame (I’ve lived in Japan way too long) before then doing the right thing.

This’ll sometimes happen to me when I imagine myself doing or saying horrible things in real time, while at the same time knowing that I would never allow myself to do something like that. Even though I never come close to doing whatever the thing is, I feel awful about my imaginary self having done that thing. And that’s partly why I don’t think I’m an actual sociopath.

Even if she didn’t have a vision, I’d still tell that to people if I were her. That’s an awesome way to get people to psychologically buy into what you say.

Also, there’s the difference — Colin imagines himself saying things in real time, I just say things in real time and think about them afterward. And somehow I don’t get called out for saying them.

Colin:

She’s gonna be “the hot one” from now on. That’s her job.

That was her job from the moment I saw her.

Also… maybe it’s the hair, but she is much more attractive to me in this movie than she is to me in real life. (Most of the time.) She’s still really attractive in real life, it’s just — I don’t always see it as often as I do in this movie. (Paleness aside.)

I don’t like this guy. He’s always just standing there awkwardly, and he looks like he got kicked out of Radiohead.

Colin:

Jasper has the slow nod down…cold.

She agrees to go over to their house later.

I’m a sucker for the insanely excited reaction.

“Jasper, no fair with the mood control thing.”

What? He just changed her mood?

Colin:

What’s Jasper’s “mood control” thing?

Good thing we have exposition in the right places, huh?

That’s a great exit, too. Just disappear behind a pillar.

“You can’t trust vampires. Trust me.”

You know why I’m okay with this? Because it feels like they’re knowingly having fun. Rather than the last movie, which felt like severe depression and boring angst.

Colin:

“You can’t trust vampires…trust me.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA EVERYTHING’S GOING DARK

Yeah, Zeffirelli!

Olivia Hussey, who played Juliet in that, is absolutely gorgeous.

He’s mouthing the words? Fuck you.

Really? Is this high school?

Colin:

More Shakespeare. They’re watching it in class so these girls can react the way Meyer expects them to react to her schlock.

What’s great is, the second you see this scene, you immediately know what’s going to happen in it, beat for beat. The reactions from the students, the conversation Bella and Edward are going to have, the teacher calling on him — you see all of it coming from a mile away. And they just play right into it. They don’t even try to make it interesting.

Kill everyone.

Colin:

The Asian kid is crying. WHY IS NOBODY CATCHING THE ASIAN KID’S TEARS?! That’s wasted magic.

Because he’s Korean?

You are all incorrect.

They talk about the movie or whatever. Mostly about suicide.

Colin:

He envies them humans’ ability to die? Vampires can die. Silver bullets and wooden stakes and shit. I’ll murder him tonight.

You sound like John Goodman talking about how easy it is to get a toe.

And I would also like for you to murder him.

Colin:

I can get you a toe.

Also yes.

He considered suicide once.

This looks better than it did last movie.

Colin:

Oh, flashing back to the first movie. It’s an admirable tactic. “Remember THAT movie? This could be a lot worse!”

Maybe that’s why A New Hope is Episode IV.

He was gonna, if she died, go to Italy and provoke the Volturi.

Colin:

He wasn’t going to have to do some shit in Italy involving some dudes I already don’t care about.

I like that it’s Italy. Because if there’s a high council (and there always has to be a council), it’s going to be in a place where organized crime comes from and where the Vatican is. Promoting ethnic stereotypes and religion.

I’m sure it’s mostly the religion, but still — what the fuck?

The teacher calls on him to repeat the last few lines. We already know he’s gonna do it.

Colin:

Of course he gets picked by the teacher to say some shit in front of the class. I could watch this three times in a row, pay perfect attention and still not be able to recite HALF of what he said without a single error. But he’s a vampire. You have 90 years and you’re gonna learn to play the piano and memorize Shakespeare. What do you wanna bet all the skills he ever picked up were from before television and Hollywood happened in a big way?

If I were a vampire, I’d sit at home and memorize all the lyrics to Doggystyle.

Colin:

I’ve already done that.

I would be so much more into this series if he kept making 30s movies references and then telling her to never mind when she looked confused.

I would too.

Holy shit, that would be amazing.

Also, you just described what I do now.

This reminds me of a moment my sophomore year of high school. I was the type of student who never paid attention, but always got amazing grades. Because high school learning is basically rote. They wrote down the entire lesson on the board before class, we came in, we copied it for five to ten minutes, and then the teacher went through it, point by point. And the textbooks were designed to give you the answers to the questions they ask at the end of the chapters anyway. So as long as you were willing to do just a little work, you knew everything.

So one day, we were in class, and the teacher – I forget what her name is. It was some long, Greek last name. She was teaching Social Studies (which is the bullshit, New York Board of Ed term for history), and we were doing the Italian and German unifications. And she was a real hard-ass. She was one of those – she taught the lesson, she expected you to know the shit by the book, and was just real strict about everything. Not like, mean strict, but just strict.

And I didn’t give a fuck. I’d already learned how bullshit high school was and had already cracked the code. So she’s going on about whatever, and I’m doing what’s part of my natural habitat – which is, I’m not learning, so why should everyone else around me learn? I’m talking my ass off to the people behind me and next to me and just completely preventing them from doing anything.

And this teacher knows I’m doing this. That was always the best part. They knew I was talking and not paying attention, but I never did it loud enough to disrupt the lesson and never had my grades go down to where they could ever call me out on it. You get so much leeway when you do everything right. But it pissed her off something awful, since she could see me talking back there and couldn’t really do anything about it.

So one day she tries to be slick about it – she tries to catch me off guard. I’m talking my ass off, and I haven’t listened to anything she’s said for ten, fifteen minutes. And she goes and asks me to name the three major figures in the Italian Unification, thinking I’ll stumble and she’ll get to call me out for talking and embarrass me. (Which – please.)

And I’ll tell you – it wasn’t that hard a thing to get right – the answers were on the board behind her and they were in my notebook right in front of me. But I knew she was looking for hesitation. The moment I thought about it meant I wasn’t listening the whole time. So, without hesitation, I go, “Giuseppe Garibaldi, Giuseppe Mazzini, and Count Cavour.” Didn’t even break stride. And she had that moment of, “… fuck, he’s right,” and had to say, “Good job,” and leave me alone. It was fucking beautiful. She thought she was gonna catch me. Bitch, please. I went right from talking, to answering her question, and right back to talking. And she couldn’t do SHIT.

And I still remember those fuckers’ names because of it. The only reason I learned it was because it was a “fuck you” to her. That’s a public school education.

So he says the lines.

And we track in on him as he says it. Like it’s some sort of great dramatic moment.

This is that exact moment. Motherfucker, you thought you had him.

NOT ON THIS DAY!

Lavender Brown really wants the dick.

Also, why is everyone looking at him? I don’t remember a moment where everyone turned around when I answered a question in high school. Nobody gave a shit. They were thinking about how long before they could get out of there.

Which, also – I paid so little attention in high school that one day, I decided to pass two class periods by (in the first class) writing down every second of the period on a piece of paper (that is, writing out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… all the way to 2,700, for the 45 minute period), and (in the second class) crossing them out, one by one, until the bell rang.

Do you think it sparkles in her mouth?

Are we in the Cullens house? What part of the house is this? The west wing, where they keep magical flowers and shit?

Really, Kristen? That pose?

Is that the “I’m interested” pose?

The Volturi.

(Very upset at the dude raising his glass. Why would you do that? That puts it further away from your mouth.)

Apparently Carlisle lived with them for a while.

Colin:

These clothes are making me think of the Leslie Howard version of The Scarlet Pimpernel, which is one of my favorite movies from the 30s. And one tip that I’ve taken from Mike is that bad movies should never remind you of good movies. Cause now I have the desire to turn this off and go watch that. But this has only just begun.

The Scarlet Pimpernel is also one of my favorite movies of the 30s.

You can see my favorite movies of the 30s here.

Because of course I have a list for that.

Also, that really should be a golden rule. Do not remind someone of a better movie that they’d rather be watching right now. That one I got from Ebert.

I even remember what review it was. From Paris With Love, a movie that I actually enjoyed, despite its obvious (and many) flaws. But, there’s one part of that movie that even made me cringe, which is when Travolta makes a Royale with Cheese joke, and it’s so blatant that it’s impossible not to feel embarrassed for everyone involved. It’s like hearing your parent tell a joke that not only isn’t funny, but highlights how out of touch they are. (The worst part is it’s a running joke in the film.) And Ebert wrote, “That’s a little joke reminding us of ‘Pulp Fiction,’ and the last thing you should do is remind the audience of a movie they’d rather be home watching.”

He’s right.

And they’re led by Michael Sheen.

Colin:

So that’s Carlisle in the painting. This is centuries before his Mercedes S-Class is built. I’m sure he’s still looking forward to it.

This is why you have people.

Apparently their one rule is not to let people know of their existence.

Unless you want that to happen.

Colin:

That’s Michael Sheen ripping a dude’s head off. Now I’m thinking of him dancing to “Derezzed.” Which I enjoyed thoroughly.

“Drezzle.”

Not sure if you remember that one. I think Shiho might.

But anyway, that’s the Volturi.

They’re basically a high vampire council.

Remember what I said about franchises and councils?

“You gotta stop talking about that. I can’t – think – about someone hurting you.”

What’s with all the Walken pauses?

“The only thing that can hurt me is you.”

See, there’s a limit on how many times you can go to that well. It’s always nice when you say something like that to a woman. It will almost always go over well… unless you do it over and over again. Because, after a certain point, then it becomes, “Yeah, yeah, I get it. Shut the fuck up.”

He’s starting to near that point, and we’re only 12 minutes into the movie.

“I don’t have anything else to be afraid of.”

SHE EVEN MAKES A NOISE THIS TIME WHAT THE FUCK

Apparently he has Natasha Lyonne to be afraid of.

Colin:

He seems rather sure of himself. He’d be able to read evil chick’s thoughts and Alice would be able to tell when she’s coming, so they’d be cool. Whatever. I guess.

“I can protect you. If you change me.”

Colin:

She keeps on whining about getting turned into a vampire. I think I see where the rest of this franchise is going. Between her whining, and Stephenie Meyer’s obvious Mormon motif, it’s really not hard to play out most of what’s going to go down.

Apparently she’s his only reason to stay alive. Which really just ups the creepy quotient to this tenfold. You shouldn’t be this head over heels in love with someone that young when you’ve been around for 109 years.

And don’t give me any of that, “Oh, well her soul is older” bullshit. Fuck that. She’s 17. If you’ve been around for 100 years, you should know to not fuck a 17 year old. I’ve only been around for 25 and I know not to fuck a 17 year old. You only fuck a 17 year old when you’re also that age and are just as stupid, or when you’re like a year or two older and figure, “Well I’m still pretty good, legally.” After that – no.

Goddamn, son.

Colin:

It’s time. It’s time! It’s time! It’s time! For titties. Yes yes yes.

I knew there was a reason she was my favorite.

Is it wrong if I choose this as one of my favorite shots in the movie?

… and you ruined it.

Think you got enough candles?

Colin:

This family has way too much free time. And they care way too much about each other’s bullshit. They went and got all these roses and lit all these candles and shit? It’s weird how immediately accepting they are.

This is great. She just went through her bag and took the camera and started using it. And it’s not weird at all.

Colin:

Is the other chick still gonna hate her? Let’s see if that ever serves a purpose.

I could have answered this before I even knew the answer.

No. No it will not serve a purpose.

In fact, it’s sort of explained and then dropped out of nowhere like an eleven year old’s testicle.

Then there’s a weird joke that I think has something to do with statutory rape.

Colin:

Hah. “Dating an older woman, huh?” Let’s make more jokes about that. I approve of this guy’s dickery.

This is every image of the two of them.

That present is blocking my presents.

Also, that was from what’s her face. The one that doesn’t like her. Rosalie. (I actually had to think about that for a second.)

Colin:

“It’s a necklace. I didn’t even get it for you. Fuck yourself. You smell good.” Is what that conversation was.

And then she gets a giant box from Emmett. Which is empty.

It was a stereo. He installed it into her “piece of crap” truck.

Colin:

This is the protocol. You get a box that size, and you shake it. And then guess a few things. Like a basketball, or my dad’s acceptance after years of telling him dance is the only way I can express myself oh my god you guys

“Hey, don’t hate the truck.”

Some energy. I like it. (Note: This is all relative.)

She does smile, though. So there’s that.

Colin:

He’s allowed to hate on the truck. He was around well before it was made. Unlike you.

Oh… they bouncin’.

There’s a nice moment here where she gets a present from Carlisle and Esme and Esme says it’s “to brighten her day,” because she’s “been looking kind of pale lately.” And she reacts like this.

I’m telling you – not too much negativity so far.

Of course that happens. Of course it does.

Colin:

Of COURSE she got a paper cut. You’re in a movie with vampires who can’t control their lusty cravings, and you’re almost certainly going to cut yourself.

And of course that much blood comes out immediately, because doesn’t that always happen?

And of course you just stand there and look at it. Because why would you do anything else?

Colin:

Wouldn’t you put your finger in your mouth? That’s always my first reaction to getting a cut on my finger.

Colin:

Jasper wants some of that red water.

Vampire miscarriage.

Colin:

Oh shit. She got fucking PIMP SMACKED. Wouldn’t this make MORE blood, though?

Colin:

Fucked up somebody’s house just because you can’t open a birthday present without hurting yourself?

Best reaction goes to Alice.

Colin:

Oh yeah, see? Told you. Shouldn’t have pimp smacked her.

This guy would make a great running back.

What I don’t get is — we find out later that this dude has been alive longer than Esme and has been with Alice (and part of the Cullens) for a long ass time. So I still don’t get why he’s like this around Bella when the rest of them (who are all younger than he is) aren’t.

That’s supposed to calm him down?

She should just start blowing him right there. That’ll do it.

A ha.

You is fucked.

Let us glare at her.

I’m only focusing on one part of this image.

Well… two parts. But they’re really close together.

What’s with her and severing tendons?

Not exactly Hermione, is it?

Colin:

Carlisle’s the only one with the will power, apparently. And Edward, of course. But shit.

Maybe this is the reason I can’t see anything negative about this movie.

Wouldn’t be the first time.

Colin:

If I were friends with vampires, I’d donate blood every month or however often you can do it (the legit way, with a needle and a bag — not a chick donating it through her sex hole) and just let them have it. It’s not much, but you could lock them in a metal cell and let them drink it and keep them in there til the frenzy died down. That way, they’d have a nice treat every now and again. And I’d be like a blood cow.

Sex hole is still funny to me.

Not sure what that’s about. He looks annoyed at her more than anything.

Colin:

Is that Edward sort of not trusting Carlisle? Even I trust Carlisle, and I hate this series.

Does he have a jaguar where his cock should be?

Colin:

Do you not?

Ah… Tuesday.

And Wednesday.

Nothing like picking glass out of a wound to celebrate a birthday.

“How do you do it?”

“Straight muscle relaxers and cocaine, baby.” “Years and years of practice.”

Colin:

That’s right. Of course he’s okay with blood. He’d have to have been cool with blood for centuries, cause he’s been a doctor all this time. Can’t be having frenzies every time some kid comes in needing four stitches.

Why does she look like she wants to sleep with him? I can’t be the only one noticing that body language.

Right?

And then he says that his self-control doesn’t matter, since he’s damned.

And she says no, he’s not damned. He can’t be.

Colin:

Aw, that’s sweet. Tell the doctor who’s a full 350 years older than you that he’s full of shit.

Apparently the reason Edward won’t change Bella is because it would make her “damned.”

Apparently he believes that it’ll take away her soul.

So would he have a problem turning a ginger into a vampire?

Colin:

Could she take away Edward’s soul? I could take away someone’s soul, cause the soul isn’t a thing.

I grew up around doctors who operated like this.

Colin:

So, I guess she can’t visit their place while she’s on her period, huh? But I GUARANTEE kids get cuts and scrapes at school all the time, and they go there practically every day. What gives with this logic?

“You can’t protect me. From everything.”

Seriously. What’s with the pauses?

“At some point, something’s going to separate us.”

I hope it’s a custody battle.

Or cholera. Cholera is my first choice.

“It’s going to be an accident, or an illness…”

Those are exactly the first two things I just named.

“Old age… as long as I’m human, the only solution is to change me.”

Not… really. He could just leave it alone. Unless you actually believe that whole, “I’m nothing without you,” 17-year-old shit. Which… he might.

Colin:

She’s like a broken record. A broken record that bites its lip a lot and got stuck on the thirteenth track, “Whiny Cunt (ft. will.i.am).”

They have some dumb conversation after this. Pretty much nothing is resolved. You know this’ll keep coming up, so the dialogue doesn’t matter.

Colin:

Carlisle told her some shit, and now she’s pulling the religious card. Which I can buy. Cause I spend a lot of time thinking to myself about how religion is bullshit.

Drink.

She says it’s her birthday and she wants one thing – for him to kiss her.

See what I mean about it not mattering?

Colin:

What, is she gonna kiss him and stomp on his foot so he bites her lip or something? How’d that be for a twist, someone ELSE biting this cunt’s lip?

Colin:

Every time they kiss, I think of what it would be like to make out with a cheeseburger, and it reaffirms why resisting shit for the sake of purity is complete crap.

Every Time They Kiss, I Think of What It Would Be Like to Make Out with a Cheeseburger

She says she loves him.

“I love you.”

When did he become the less emotional of the two?

That’s usually how that happens. I, too, often say “I love you” and then walk off into the darkness.

And this is where we’ll END PART I.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and this movie getting more emo than I thought it ever could.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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