Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – New Moon (2009), Part III — “Don’t You Have Homework?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is New Moon, Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the third part of New Moon:

We begin Part III with something that pisses me off. (Surprise, surprise.)

Washington vs. Arizona? Really?

I like that he just drinks beer all the time.

I miss the days when characters could drink all the time and it wasn’t a problem.

Colin:

Dad sure does like that one beer. Is that how people work? Do people drink the same beer constantly? Beer isn’t like a car, where you have to deal with the same one for years. You can finish this six pack and go buy another brand. Also, how many times have we seen this guy without a beer? That’s not a criticism, by the way.

She got a white girl ass.

Colin:

What is it with girls that wear shirts that are 1cm too short? Either make it like 3cm too short so we can get some midriff, or make it an appropriate length so we don’t see this bizarre ring of skin.

She also leaves Jacob a voicemail.

Colin:

She’s really into calling this guy. What the hell?

Apparently his father told her he has mono. She wants him to call her.

Colin:

Right. Mono. Any teenager goes missing for any period of time, and you can just say mono. We had kids out of my high school for long stretches all the time. “What happened to Maggie?” “Mono.” “….right.”

Hey… Graham Greene.

Colin:

I see she’s into the plaid thing. I think that just comes with living in a rural area.

Oh, but yeah… she’s depressed.

Colin:

This girl is so fucking depressed all the time. You know they have pills for that, right? Dad should hook that up and mash them into whatever it is she probably isn’t eating.

“Hey, I don’t have to go fishing today.”

Colin:

How many of these conversations with her dad have started with her looking sad and her dad going, “…hey.”

“Yes you do.”

That’s great.

Charlie promises Bella the bears won’t get him.

Graham Greene says his kung fu will beat the bears.

Colin:

This man is now my favorite in the franchise. “Fuck bears. My kung fu is strong.” Yes. You win, sir.

Colin:

It RAINS in the Pacific Northwest?!

Is there a kiss in the rain about to happen?

Colin:

My dad has a 1959 Chevy pickup, which is almost exactly the same, and it is NOT fun to drive in the rain. The windshield wipers have all the effectiveness of two pencils.

Oh, but she doesn’t trip here, though, right?

Colin:

At least he cut off his hair and looks more normalish.

“Hey… you cut your hair off?”

That’s the dialogue in this scene.

“And got a tattoo?”

She’s mad at him.

He’s monotone.

“I’m Kristen Stewart. Here’s my mad face!”

“Did Sam get to you? Is that what’s happening?”

I like how this is an episode of a 90s kids show. The town is randomly being taken over by a cult leader or something.

Colin:

Oh, so he’s in with the cult. Hooray.

He says she should blame the Cullens. And apparently he knows about them being vampires.

So someone taught him about the vampires and the werewolves.

Colin:

Why didn’t this come up before? The whole, “I know you were with a vampire” thing? Why is it only a thing now? Isn’t it fun when righteous indignation just appears out of nowhere?

He really tears into her, rightfully so.

Colin:

He’s yelling at her for being the piece of shit that she is, and now she tells him how it hurts her to hurt him, but if he could only GIVE HER SOME TIME? Guess what, bitch? You’re all out of goodwill. I’ve been waiting for this day, and I’m gonna go over in the corner and do a jig because I hate you. I only hate you a little, but that’s because I can’t really be helped to care about you at all.

But I enjoy seeing her usual brooding unhappiness turn into genuine despair.

“Hey come on. We’re gonna run around in the rain without our shirts on!”

Colin:

That’s really what this is. I bet they’re running patrols and shit. They think they matter. Sam probably has them all set up with a sheet of their responsibilities. And none of it is important.

“Look… you wear a shirt… you don’t understand.”

He gives her the “It’s not you, it’s me.” Only… that’s actually what it is.

Colin:

You just got friend-dumped!

There’s steam rising from him.

He tells her to go home.

Colin:

This is…the same thing Edward said.

Then there’s another voiceover to Alice.

Honestly I’ve stopped listening.

Colin:

I’m not listening to whatever she’s writing to Alice’s defunct email address because it’s too awful how she doesn’t know how to walk in the woods.

Colin:

This is so much more draining on me than the Star Wars prequels were. I’m thinking back to Attack of the Clones and wishing we had that type of quality here. George, I’m so sorry for everything I said. Take me back.

George Lucas:

No.

Colin:

She found her special little glade, where all the grass is dead. How nice.

Is the dead grass a metaphor for their dead relationship, or is it a sign that spring just hasn’t happened yet?

Hey, look… Wyclef Jean is back.

Colin:

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?! BIG LOVE’S BACK! YES!

He knows the Cullens are gone.

Colin:

DID I NOT CALL THIS SHIT A WHOLE MOVIE AGO?! That Big Love was pretending to be good but was gonna end up coming back and being bad?

Yeah, I don’t get this. He comes to them like, “I’m civil. They’re pretty crazy.” And the second they’re gone, he’s back like, “I’m gonna kill you, bitch.” It makes no sense. I mean, it does, on paper, kind of, but based on what we saw in the movies, it doesn’t at all. It seems like a plot device to get the wolves to show up.

So he’s gonna kill her.

Colin:

This might be genuinely frightening for some white people even if they don’t care about vampires. Because when even a single black person starts to circle you, there may be cause for alarm.

The same face when she’s in love for when she’s about to be murdered.

“Lie.”

Thanks, ghosty.

“Yeah, they come back all the time.”

“Lie better.”

Ha ha. Be better.

Colin:

I like this nagging. “Lie better, bitch!”

He is amused.

Colin:

Big Love wins the best vampire contest for the franchise up to this point. I like how he’s menacing without even trying. I mean, beyond just being a black dude with no shirt on, which is menacing to many white people.

He’s here because of Victoria. She wants to kill her because of that other dude.

“Threaten him.”

Jesus, this is what I was joking about Obi-Wan doing. He’s actually doing it!

“Edward would know who did it, and he’d come after you.”

“I don’t think he will.”

Well, that worked out well.

“Please don’t.”

Way to make it not happen.

He does comfort her, though. Says he’ll kill her quick. Which… that’s not so bad.

Colin:

Oh, wow. I liked that. See? I’m not just bashing. I liked that. He fucking apparated up to her and whispered, “Shhh! Don’t be afraid!” as he put his hands on her face. Holy fuck, this guy is creepy in an awesome way.

Colin:

People who whisper before they’re gonna kill you are my favorite.

“You ready? You ready? You ready, bitch?”

Is he getting ready to jungle slap her?

“Edward I love you.”

Fucking kill her.

Colin:

She said, “Edward, I love you” before getting her heart snatched out? That’s what was about to happen, right?

YES! THE BEAST MUST DIE!

Oh man, thank you for reminding me of that movie. I’ll get to that in a second, first, let’s finish this moment.

That’s a pretty big fucking wolf. Shouldn’t he be regular sized?

Colin:

I REALLY never understood how people get shocked by something and stop what they were gonna do. It happens in EVERY movie, and it never makes sense. The bad guy has a gun pointed at someone or has their hand on the button to launch the missiles or whatever, and then something shows up to distract them. Okay, but whatever it is invariably moves slowly and isn’t an immediate threat. It’s always someone showing up in a doorway or monologuing or whatever. Why doesn’t the bad guy pull the trigger or press the button as they turn their head to look? It’s not like it takes extra effort and they were gonna do it anyway. Just kill that person, THEN deal with whatever’s just shown up.

I think I brought this up in the Harry Potter and Bond articles because it’s a HUGE pet peeve of mine and it makes me insane. If I’m ever about to execute someone and a random person shows up to distract me, this is how the scenario’s going to play out: *BANG* “Who the fuck are YOU?”

Peace!

Colin:

This CGI is masterful. Really…top notch stuff.

Really? You figure it out from that?

Colin:

Oh, does she make the connection here? Cause that’s bullshit.

Goddamn, son, he fucked that wolf up!

Colin:

He slapped the SHIT out of this wolf! YEAH!

I like how she’s standing there and not, you know… fleeing.

She tells him about the wolves.

All he hears is, “So you were in the place I told you not to go.”

Colin:

Dad doesn’t care what she’s saying other than that she was in the woods, which she needs to not do. Co-rect.

Graham Greene is interested. Cover is about to be blown.

Colin:

His friend seems concerned. Is it cause he’s a Native American and all his nephews or whatever are out galavanting as wolves?

That’s a badass way to go out.

Okay… now to the important part.

The Beast Must Die is one of the greatest exploitation horror movies ever made. And I learned about it by accident.

What happened was, my friend and I were at my house, and it was New Year’s Day. That is, it was midnight on January 1^st. And we were hanging out and watching TV, and I saw AMC was playing the movie Magic, with Anthony Hopkins. And I had seen it and was really excited to show it to him. (Because it’s fucking amazing.) This must have been… 2006 or 2007. So we’re watching that on AMC and it ends around… 3 or 3:30 am. And once the movie ended, they went to commercial for the last three minutes before the next movie started. So we stopped paying attention and went back to playing online poker (which was probably what we were also doing).

Anyway, by happenstance, because we left the channel on, the next movie to come on just happened to be The Beast Must Die. And normally we’d have went right on ignoring it and left it on as white noise, only… the first minute of the movie is the greatest hook I have ever seen.

On the screen comes this text (along with the accompanying voiceover): “This film is a detective story, in which YOU are the detective. The question is not ‘Who is the murderer,’ but ‘Who is the werewolf?’ After all the clues have been shown, you will get a chance to give your answer. Watch for the werewolf break…”

And we’re like, “What? Werewolf break?” And then we start watching. And then the opening credits are helicopter shots as a helicopter flies over green hills and water, with pure 70s porno music playing over it. And we just got more and more psyched as the movie progressed.

Because that’s what the movie is about. It’s Clue but with a werewolf. A guy gathers a group of people to his house because one of them is a werewolf and he is going to figure out who it is. So the rest of the weekend is filled with tension and attacks as they (and we) try to figure out who the werewolf is.

The best part is – there’s ACTUALLY a werewolf break!

Right at the climax of the film, when they show who the werewolf is, they stop the film for 30 seconds so you can formulate your guess as to who the werewolf is. It’s fucking INCREDIBLE. It’s so good. I cannot recommend this movie highly enough.

And chances are, if you know me long enough, I’ll make you watch this.

Colin:

Why would you purposefully cut away from a black guy punching a wolf in the face?!

Uhh… okay.

Colin:

That dreamcatcher’s still there and I don’t like it.

Jesus.

Or you could have used the front door.

Colin:

I hate that he does this and that he then looks super self-satisfied about it.

So this is awkward.

Colin:

Does he EVER wear a shirt?

He “literally” can’t explain why he’s been acting the way he’s been acting.

I bet you could.

Colin:

She just wanted to touch him there.

Her wall has acne.

“Have you ever had a secret you couldn’t tell anyone?”

Remember like ten minutes ago when you knew that secret?

Colin:

Reminder: buy beer

He basically tells her without telling her. But she doesn’t figure it out.

Colin:

[Romantically charged angsty dialogue] I’m so checked out for all of this. Let me know when things happen again. Maybe another wolf getting punched in the face.

He reminds her of that time they walked on the beach. He’s basically telling her she already knows what it is.

Outside of the fact that, you know, she FUCKING SAW THEM!

Why is she friends with him, again? Seems like she gravitated to him because Edward wasn’t there. Why does she even have feelings for him? This is so horribly developed.

Maybe not a montage next time you have to establish a relationship.

And what’s funny is, all she remembers about that story is the vampire part.

And he’s like, “Well, I guess why you’d only remember that part.”

Which, that is pretty funny.

But on the other hand, does anyone remember that fucking story?

“I mean, there’s gotta be something. That you can do.”

“No. I’m in it for life.”

Did he join the nWo? I think he joined the nWo.

She says they should leave. Just them.

ROAD MOVIE!

I’d actually be on board with this if they just left together right now and went traveling in the woods and shit, on their own.

Colin:

Again, you’re like 17. You’re not going anywhere.

He says he can’t run away from this. But he would, if he could.

Colin:

And at the same time, I take issue with the fact that he only says he can’t run away because of his obligations to his little circle jerk. “It’s not something I can just run away from.” Let’s go. I’ll show you how you’re wrong.

I like how he says he can’t tell her, but also then tells he her already told her, and if she remembers that, then she knows and he doesn’t have to tell her.

“It would be so much easier if you just knew.”

Seriously, just fucking tell her. Stop being such an asshole.

Colin:

“You’re real…ripply.” “You’re real…nipply.”

Tally ho.

So many sex dreams.

I like how this is all he does for the first 3/4 of this movie. Just stands there and does nothing.

Boobies.

Good job, Summer Sanders.

Colin:

Dreams in this franchise are fucked up in that they’re vivid, but fragmented. And that’s not how the brain works. They should have thrown in her 8th grade English teacher in there or something, just to make it a real dream.

“Are you a werewolf?”

Is what she should be saying.

Instead she says “I need to see him,” to which Wheels responds, “He’s not in.”

So do that. Because he sure as shit can’t follow you upstairs.

Colin:

YOU SEE THOSE MOVES?! She totally just shook him up and left him behind!

What time is it right now? Is it like, 7 am? Or is it like 11 o’clock? If it’s 11, then did she really wait all that time to go there?

You’re probably fucked.

Colin:

If a vampire changed a werewolf, that would make a…vamwolf? Werepire? Whatever it would be, I want to see one fight a Predalien.

Can they see his dreams? Is that how this works?

I like how she barges into his room to wake him up, and then looks out the window to see the pack, and then decides, “You know what? They’re the ones to blame!” and then goes out to confront them. Somehow during all of this, he doesn’t wake up. And apparently Wheels isn’t doing anything either. This situation is completely bizarre.

“What did you do?”

Damn. She got some stones.

Colin:

These guys are pretty fucking intense for being 17 year olds who run around in the woods all day. I’m pretty sure they’re just the Forks LARPing club.

Why isn’t Edward showing up right now?

“What did he tell you?”

“He told me nothing because he’s scared of you.”

Holy shit. She really knocked him one real good.

Colin:

It’s not good that girls are this comfortable hitting guys whenever they want to. What exactly did she think she was going to accomplish by hitting this guy?

This is why white women suck.

Colin:

That said, overreact much? Looked like he was gonna wolf-rape her.

Parkour.

Were they going all Rookie of the Year on that boat?

You guys remember that movie?

This is an actual tally ho.

Colin:

Please note how only the shirt rips off. Not the shorts. So they have magic shorts that become part of them or something. Although, when we meet Leah later, she has shorts AND a shirt that do that. Even though she should be too hot with all that clothing on. I guess it’s just whatever’s convenient for them to not show any naughty parts.

Not to advocate for the film, but The Incredible Hulk did that too.

This could theoretically be a reference to that.

Also, wouldn’t be hilarious if he got stuck just like that?

Colin:

Mid-air transformation. Michael Bay did it better.

He also cooks breakfast better.

God-DAMN!

She wanna get wolf fucked.

Colin:

What’s with the military signals, buddy?

Werewolf fight!

Always go for the jugular.

Well good job having to landscape that sonbitch.

Well that boat’s no good.

Colin:

Aw, you fucked up the boat. Your dad’s already in a wheelchair. Now you fuck up his yard and his boat? C’mon, man.

There’s a shot.

She also voiceovers to Alice, asking if it’s all true, and if there’s really nothing sane and normal.

Colin:

For the first time, she’s making sense. Now that there are vampires AND werewolves, I’m pretty sure all bets are off. If I were her, I’d hop the first flight to Japan to find real Pokemon. And don’t say “ANIMALS ARE THE REAL POKEMON!” cause if that were true, Michael Vick would be a fucking gym leader somewhere other than Leavenworth Penitentiary.

Is that a general store? That looks like a place where Injuns sell dry goods. That would be awesome.

Colin:

I don’t know what dry goods are, but anything dry must command a premium in this perennially damp hell of a town.

We should bring back the word “sundries.”

This is pretty funny, though. They all pile into her truck and take her back here as the other two go fight it out.

And she’s like, “Maybe we should go see if he’s okay,” and they’re like, “Nah.”

Colin:

I don’t like the weird call they do as they get out of the truck. I just hate tribal, clique-y things in general.

At least they don’t have hats.

They also tell her to come in, because they “won’t bite.”

Colin:

Not at all the first time someone has said, “We won’t bite” in this series.

“So… you’re the vampire girl.”

I like how everyone’s suddenly just cool with her knowing. It’s like, “We can’t tell them we can’t tell them we can’t tell them… oh, she knows. Well, let’s get a taco.”

Colin:

What’s wrong with your FACE?!

We actually find out about the chick. The dude she punched in the face got angry one day, and fucked her up REAL good.

Those are some big ass cookies you got there.

Colin:

Mmmm! Muffins! Everyone knows wolves love muffins.

Apparently they can read each other’s thoughts and they’re actually physically unable to tell anyone or some such shit.

Colin:

They can hear each other’s thoughts. I bet that gets them into trouble when one of them has a sister.

“You’re giving away trade secrets. This chick runs with vampires!”

Colin:

For shit’s sake, they’re just your little werewolf powers. Not like it’s the Coca Cola recipe or something.

“You can’t really run with vampires.”

“Because they’re fast.”

So apparently it’s code to not have shirts on.

Colin:

He found a shirt somewhere.

Colin:

“Sorry?” The fuck is that about? They can’t control themselves when they’re like that? You suck.

Money changing hands silently is always funny.

Colin:

Not as good as Fred and George.

Also, considering that this chick here got messed up by her boyfriend in the exact same way, shouldn’t they not be making light of it? He almost killed her just now, and he’s chuckling like, “Heh! My bad, but no hard feelings, eh?” Meanwhile, the girl who DID get slashed up is standing right there.

Is this Tree of Life?

It would be great if that little brook got super deep on them out of nowhere.

Is this where they buried Fenster?

“So you’re a werewolf…”

Please let the next words out of her mouth be, “What’s that all about?”

Colin:

“So you’re a werewolf.” “Yeah. Last time I checked.” Seriously? Is ANYONE going to defend this dialogue?

I mean… am I being paid? Because I’ll defend eugenics if the price is right.

Apparently only a few members of their tribe are werewolves.

Colin:

It’s like every time she talks to either Jacob or Edward, there’s a little buzzing sound that goes off in the back of my head and I don’t hear anything until the end of the scene. Like Mike and fire alarms.

She asks if he can just… stop.

He says he was born this way. He can’t help it.

Subtext is incredible.

“You’re such a hypocrite. What, I’m not the right kind of monster for you?”

Fair point.

Colin:

Not all monsters are created equal. Some sparkle. This one smells like wet dog.

I hope that’s the first line of their treaty.

“It’s not who you are. It’s what you do.”

What is this, Batman Begins?

Apparently they protect people from vampires that kill humans.

All… right.

Colin:

Maybe she could have told Jacob the rest of the story. About how the Cullens are actually trying to keep out the bad vampires too and how they’re basically on the same side and they only drink animal blood. But whatever.

I’m also curious — are there more Native American werewolves in all those other areas of the world where vampires are? Where are the ones in Italy?

Is that how they got killed off? Was Andrew Jackson a vampire?

“You can’t kill vampires. They’ll… they’ll kill you.”

– – – – –

Good job, everybody. That’s a wrap.

I think we’re done here.

But not the black ones. Apparently the black ones won’t kill you.

Dark meat.

They killed him, but they don’t know what Victoria is after.

Colin:

They killed Big Love! Aw. I’m sad.

The thing I don’t get is, these are kids who are turning into wolves, right? And I assume that sometimes vampires succeed in killing wolves, cause that’s just how series like these work. Some vampires are badasses. Wouldn’t Laurent, who’s like 300 years old and badass, be able to take on some werewolf n00bs? None of them even had a scratch on them.

Maybe he had too much of a sense of dreads around them.

“I do. Me.”

And then he just stares at her for like five seconds and sort of gulps.

Either that or he swallows because if he doesn’t, he’ll drown in his own saliva.

I don’t really get why this is such a moment.

Fucking obviously she’s after her. What the fuck else would it be about?

Also, how the fuck was nobody else able to figure that out?

He tells her she’ll be protected.

“You gotta be careful. She’s fast. You don’t know how fast she is.”

She should swoop in right now and tackle her. That would make this better.

Colin:

The only way this could have been salvaged is if Bella had said, “She’s fast. You have no idea how fast she–” and before she finished the sentence, Victoria showed up and bit him the fuck up.

“I gotta go… I got a vampire to kill.”

She kinda want the dick now.

Colin:

And unsurprisingly, it’s the same look that she has when she wants a cup of water.

And he just runs away.

Colin:

Jacob must’ve started working out when he found out about the werewolf thing. And from that day on, when he was going somewhere, he was RUN-NING!

So you’ve not moved for a while.

Colin:

Don’t you have homework?

She’s voiceovering to Alice again.

Colin:

And there’s just nothing now, except all your old friends who probably think you’re a cunt even more than I do.

Why does the car have to be in ghost form too?

Colin:

GHOST VOLVO!

Colin:

That’s nice. Making this Native American guy trudge around in the woods all day hiding the shit that you’re looking for. Aren’t there crimes in this town? Like REAL crimes? You know that rural areas in the Pacific Northwest are statistically the hardest-hit by meth, right?

“You got something, Harry?”

“No, sir. Nothing.”

How did the COP not notice that? It’s a giant fucking footprint, and he’s LOOKING DOWN!

How does this police force function?

Also, I haven’t seen any other deputies. At all. So when he’s not at work are there not any police?

Color. For once I’m actually intrigued by a shot in this film.

Oh, so now she’s jumping off the cliff?

Colin:

Wait, was that her? Victoria? Was she on the tree?

Colin:

I don’t like redheads. Just always been a thing. Sorry, redheads.

Colin:

Charlie Swan. If this movie was REALLY any good, he’d have a friend or colleague called Chuck Duck.

Colin:

She gonna kill Charlie!

Colin:

Aw, nope. She gonna kill Harry. Aw. I thought his kung fu was stronger than that. :(

Holy shit. Lots of shots of people getting DESTROYED in this one.

That was great. She got ANNIHILATED by that wolf.

She’s flipping like an asshole, though.

Colin:

For that matter, Jacob said that he was one of the tribe blessed with the gene — so is it like, his dad was a werewolf too? Or his mom was a carrier? Can girls be werewolfs? Notice how the vampires are an equitable society with both genders being empowered, and they chill at their place listening to classical music. Then compare that to the werewolves, who are just dudes (let’s get a topless chick!) and who seem to even beat up on the women and leave them scarred for life like Seal. I know the Cullens are exceptional vampires, but between them and the werewolves, is it even a fucking choice? Oh, but I got off-topic. Shouldn’t the older members of the tribe be able to change too? Not all of them, if it’s genetic, but some?

Colin:

Where is Charlie during all of this? He was just RIGHT there.

I like how she stood her ground to fight the wolf, and the second it lunged at her, she peaced.

Graham Greene’s dead.

Colin:

Goddamn it, Bella. How many times do we have to tell you not to go in the woods? Are you a fucking elf?

Why couldn’t this conversation happen in the movie?

Picture Danny McBride saying that to Bella. That exact line.

Colin:

Thought you assholes said you were faster than the vampires. Apparently not.

Also, shouldn’t they have some kind of formation or tactics? Maybe have a couple of them chase her into a certain area so another one can come in and get her?

You guys spend a lot of time together to not have a game plan here.