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Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – New Moon (2009), Part IV — “What the Fuck Is This Hormonal Sea of Religious Platitudes?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is New Moon Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fourth part of New Moon:

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We begin Part IV as Bella gets my hopes up that this film and franchise will come to an abrupt end.

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That’s not so bad. Other people have done it, so you know there aren’t rocks down there.

Though I am hoping for a real stiff breeze right now.

I’m rooting for the rocks.

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“You wanted me to be human. Watch me.”

Colin:

Seriously, Bella? Are you going to jump so Edward will come back? Is that what this is? Fuck you. Fuck you so incredibly much. Everyone else in this movie has REAL fake problems to deal with.

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Colin:

I’m wondering why she’s taking her sweatshirt off. People who are preparing for a jump like this are clearly making sure shit goes right. She’s making sure she’ll be able to swim easily and stuff like that. So that kinda defeats the purpose, no?

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Colin:

Hah, she’s gonna jump. It’s an hour and twenty minutes into the movie, and that’s almost a reasonable length for a shitty movie. If you were watching this in the theater when it came out and didn’t know for sure there’d be another one after it, you could be forgiven for hoping thinking that she might die here and that that’d be the end of the franchise. I call that ‘merciful.’

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Really hoping for one of these right now:

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Tally ho.

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Nice underwater cinematography.

Colin:

Oh, but wasn’t crazy bitch in the water? And I bet the wolves don’t swim.

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This is like when Tom Hanks tried to escape from the island the first time.

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Ha ha. You didn’t chiggity-check yourself, now you’re gonna wriggity-wreck yourself.

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Colin:

WAVE TO THE FACE

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Oh, you’re gonna try to get back up?

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NOPE.

Colin:

And here comes another. I’m just waiting for it, cause she must be getting closer to the cliff face. There’s gotta be a *THUD* when she slams her head on solid rock. Please please please.

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This underwater cinematography is actually really spectacular.

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Well that’s convenient timing.

Colin:

Aw, she didn’t hit her head. She just opened her eyes to see Victoria coming at her. Which, I bet deep down she thought this dive would be totally fine and that it would just scare Edward. Now that she’s survived it, she’s hoping it worked. And then she sees this. Doo doo cloud.

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So… she tried to swim away, hit her head and passed out? That’s it?

Colin:

OH NO BUT SHE DID HIT HER HEAD! YES! YES!

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Colin:

Hello darkness, my old friend…

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Colin:

Okay, now I think I understand how Mike was feeling during the naked horcux scene in Harry Potter. What the FUCK is this?

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Colin:

That’s pretty cool how the Edward apparition turns into a cloud underwater when the water is disturbed. I like that effect.

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Colin:

So was Jacob watching the whole thing? There was a good couple seconds where Victoria was getting closer and she was RIGHT there. Did Jacob scare her away? Cause I don’t know what’s so scary about a single werewolf in human form in the water. Victoria should have killed both of them.

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Her face right now is the “Don’t wake me up” face.

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“Bitch, what the fuck were you doing?”

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“I just… needed to see something.”

Colin:

She look DEAD. But then, Kristen Stewart usually looks dead.

You know who is dead, though? Graham Greene. He had a heart attack and died.

Colin:

Harry had a heart attack! Oh no! His kung fu is dead.

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Wilson.

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A ha ha. That was great.

Colin:

Why is she chilling in the water? There’s just Jacob once this other dude leaves. Fucking take him. Or go underwater again, I guess. Which — do vampires have to breathe? They’re dead and can’t be killed by conventional shit. So can she just open her mouth underwater? Can they go to space and hang out with no suits?

Another question — they’re supposedly soft to the touch, like a human, but they also break apart like porcelain or something. If a shark bit her leg off right now, would that work? Cause the wolves sure tore Big Love apart.

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She mentions that he’s warm and not cold. Get it?

Colin:

He smiles at just about everything he says. It’s getting REALLY old. Almost as old as Kristen Stewart frowning at everything she says.

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He actually has a nice little moment here, where he talks bout scarface and says, “What if I got mad at you?” And he says sometimes he feels like he’s gonna disappear.

Colin:

See? It was him. He lost his shit and tore his girlfriend to fucking pieces. And unlike Chris Brown, he was unable to keep his composure enough to stop from breaking the skin. Humpty Dumpty Rihanna got put back together. Emily looks like she tried to pop a zit with a weed whacker.

That guy is the Chris Brown of this franchise. Anger problems, takes his shirt off, tattoos, and he’s a huge asshole.

Colin:

Okay, here we are, arriving at the second chapter of the Mormon saga. Yet again, a guy who doesn’t want to be with her because his impulses and emotions — tied into what he is in a primal sense — could be a danger to her. “What if I lose control?” Yeah, what if you go crazy? What if you don’t have the willpower to hold back? Wouldn’t that make for a religious jizz-fest? Someone constantly holding himself back in chastity and self-control rather than just pursuing the relationship that he and the girl want? This is just Edward all over again. At least Lucas’ dumb reasons weren’t based in religious archetypes. She was a senator, he was a warrior, and it just wasn’t allowed. Retarded, yes. Religious? No.

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Gotta say – I actually bought this. So maybe he’s not that terrible an actor.

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She also says she won’t let him forget who he is. She’ll “remind” him all the time.

“Hey… you’re you.”

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Just let him do it once. Jesus. You’re gonna make me feel bad for him. If he never does it, then it’s sad, if he does it once and it doesn’t work out, then what are you gonna do?

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“Thank you.”

She deserves to burn in hell.

Colin:

See? As if to prove my point, she tells him she’ll do everything to make it cool and make their relationship work, and then as HE’S finally AGREEING to it, SHE pulls back again! What the fuck is this hormonal see-saw of religious platitudes?!

What the Fuck Is This Hormonal Seesaw of Religious Platitudes?

But also, seriously though — fuck her.

She is the worst human being on the face of the earth.

And the Kardashians exist.

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You getting turned on by his wolf musk?

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Rape.

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She whimpers a little bit too.

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Oh, but no. It’s a vampire.

Colin:

He looked like he was getting angry there for a sec.

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She knows it’s the Cullens.

He can’t protect her here.

Because it’s not part of the reservation? Does he not have jurisdiction or something?

Was this decided by Wolf NATO?

But it doesn’t matter, because she doesn’t care. She’s going inside anyway.

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“You’re about to cross a line.”

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“Then don’t draw one.”

Pretty sure if you’re about to cross one, it already exists.

But she still says not to go Pope Alexander VI on this.

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You should be turning into a wolf right now.

Colin:

She still hasn’t talked to him about the Cullens and their whole deal? Cause that might help.

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Yes! Alice!

Colin:

Alice is back. I’m actually pleased, cause I don’t dislike her.

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I actually really like this shot. The light turns on and Alice is just standing there, right behind her. And it’s not really scary or anything, it’s just, “Oh shit, it’s Alice!”

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I guess she must have foresaw that Bella wasn’t going to shoot her in the fucking face.

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Bella can’t believe Alice is here.

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Alice can’t believe Bella is alive. She saw her jump off a cliff.

Colin:

Alice had a vision. Of course.

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She explains that she wasn’t trying to kill herself. It was just for fun.

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“I have never met anyone more prone to life-threatening idiocy.”

I love Alice.

Colin:

And now she’s gonna chastise Kristen Stewart. This is why we like Alice.

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They haven’t heard from Edward in a while.

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Alice also wonders what “that god-awful, wet dog smell” is.

Colin:

Nasty wet dog smell is one of my least favorite nasty wet smells.

Denmark.

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That would be her. Or rather, Jacob.

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Jacob’s “kind of” a werewolf.

And also “kind of” beautiful.

He’s kind of a lot of things, isn’t he? (But not actually any of them.)

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“Bella, werewolves are not good company to keep.”

Obvious statements only work when a “flighty” (or dumb) character says them in earnest.

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“Speak for yourself.”

Colin:

Oh, okay. Jacob’s back?

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Why is she so damn impressed?

“I thought you couldn’t protect me here.”

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“I guess I don’t care.”

So basically, “I can’t do this. I won’t do this! … but I guess I don’t care.”

Hello Biceps, Goodbye Integrity.

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Somebody wants the D.

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She didn’t see Victoria.

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“I can’t see past you and your pack of mutts.”

Colin:

Her visions don’t work with the werewolves, apparently. By the way, nobody said that Jacob pulled her out of the water, so if you were just assuming that…good assumption.

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That’s this franchise’s rock and a hard place.

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She’s gonna come back “as soon as you put the dog out.”

Oh snap.

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I love her.

Colin:

Oh, I like her. Keep her around for the rest of this movie and you’re looking at 1.5 stars from me.

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It’s just Alice. Apparently she’s staying there, and apparently none of the others are coming back.

Colin:

She’s still not really defending them at all from Jacob. Like, sticking up for the Cullens and explaining why they’re different from the rest of the vampires. That could help. Cause they have a common enemy.

I’m more intrigued by the fact that Alice and Bella are gonna have a sleepover.

(Where’s Charlie, by the way? Hanging out with Graham Greene’s family? Does he not know his daughter almost died?)

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“We don’t have to do this to each other.”

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“Yes we do.”

He has a butthole in his chin.

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Sigh…

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Colin:

Ew, don’t kiss the fucking dog. I hate it when chicks do that. Dog mouths are nasty. You’re all, “Hey, that’s the same mouth you put on my dick!”

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And the phone rings. Just when he was ‘bout to get it in.

This is pretty fucked up. Dude can’t catch a break.

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He just answered their phone?

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“He’s not here right now. He’s arranging a funeral.”

So I guess that’s where Charlie is.

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Colin:

Edward’s where? Is that supposed to be Italy? Is that what he was talking about earlier? The whatchamacallits who live in Europe?

Isn’t that Rio back there? That looks like Christ the Redeemer.

Colin:

It does. And it makes sense that a movie this bad would put that very obviously out the window so as to confirm the location. But then why does he fly to Italy to have them kill him? Wouldn’t his first move be to go back to the US and either try to get revenge or have someone THERE kill him? Anyone that’s a vampire could rip his head off.

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Colin:

He crushed that phone the way Odd Job crushed the golf ball.

And Jaws was in Rio, too.

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So now he thinks she’s dead. Yawn.

Colin:

Oh no, he’s getting angry. What’s gonna happen? Sigh.

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“Always in the way.”

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“Who was that?”

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“It’s Edward. He thinks you’re dead.”

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“Why didn’t you let me speak to him?!”

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“He’s going to the Volturi. He wants to die too.”

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Road trip!

Colin:

Wait wait wait wait wait. There’s NO way for them to contact Edward? He crushed his phone and that’s it? I guarantee they could contact someone else and get in touch with him. This movie is bypassing all forms of communication.

Also, can’t Edward read minds? So can’t he read that Alice is with Bella?

Or that Jacob is lying?

We’re conveniently forgetting continuity right now.

Colin:

It has a range. As they’ve said. He can’t read their minds from that far away, although Alice can see whatever futures she likes, I guess.

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She just randomly has a passport at the ready?

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“Is this motherfucker reaching over my seat?”

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He actually asks her really nicely to stay, too.

Colin:

Don’t beg her. Take the keys and squalay. “SNATCH AND RUN, Y’ALL!”

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My favorite about this is how she’s like, “I’m 18, so I can legally do this. Plus I left a note.”

THE LAW IS ON MY SIDE! … plus I left a note for my father, so it’s cool.

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“Please.”

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“Goodbye, Jacob.”

It’s funny how she doesn’t respect him at all.

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RAMPAGE!

Colin:

Wait, so why does she have Carlisle’s car-lisle? Where’s the CLK? Must be in the shop AKA we didn’t wanna pay for that car to be in this movie too.

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Of course she’s flying Virgin.

Colin:

Of course they’re flying Virgin. Of COURSE.

Unrelated, but we were both always going to make that comment.

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Lens flare!

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Well this score just got much better, with the violins.

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Is this the opening to a Bond movie?

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This is very Bond right now.

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… and Colin just nutted everywhere.

Colin:

WHO GOT THE YELLOW PORSCHE 911 TURBO?! That sorta kinda makes a lot of this movie okay. Not really, but for a second I felt like it did.

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What kind of sign is that? “Man shoveling cow shit” crossing?

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Do you just get to go in and meet with the Volturi? Is that how that works? Does he have an appointment? Do they just accept visitors?

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Do they just sit there all day?

Colin:

Their existence is pointless. They’re immortal, they have all the power, and they sit around all day as nothing gets any better for them.

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“So you’ve made up your minds?”

So this is a SECOND meeting? He’s already sat down with them and said, “I want to die”? I thought Alice said he was gonna provoke them. Why not just do that? Are you trying to be humanely euthanized or something? What the fuck is this?

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“I’m afraid your particular gifts are too valuable to destroy.”

So, let me get this straight… he wants to die, they won’t do it. But if he goes out and shows himself to humans, and creates a giant shitstorm that fucks things up for not only him but ALL the vampires, then they’ll kill him. So basically what he’s saying is, “I won’t kill you until you fuck things up for all of us.”

And he thinks he won’t go through with it?

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“But, if you’re unhappy with your lot, join us.”

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Colin:

Okay. I guess they want to keep him. But he’s Carlisle’s homey, so obviously he doesn’t like them.

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“You know what will happen anyway.”

My point exactly. And they’re cool with this?

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“Not without cause.”

Thank you, Treebeard.

Colin:

So is he gonna go commit a crime? And then they’ll kill him? Just fucking kill him. Save the crime.

RIGHT?!

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“Such a waste.”

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This is not a waste though. Hello, Italy.

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Colin:

Oh, this car. This car. Yes. They aren’t shooting it properly, but still.

You’re right. They have no idea how to shoot this car.

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“I’m guessing you didn’t rent this car?”

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“I figured you wouldn’t be opposed to grand theft auto.”

Colin:

No, this isn’t Grand Theft Auto. But if it was, this would be the Comet.

Fun fact: On more than one occasion, Colin has explained cars to me using GTA car names. Like, he’d mention the Dodge Viper, and, knowing I wouldn’t know what it was offhand, would say, “The Banshee from San Andreas,” and I’d immediately know what he was talking about.

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Anyway, the Volturi refused Edward’s request, so he’s gonna make a scene.

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Remember this?

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Colin:

Hah. He would be taking off his shirt. That’s what you do if you’re a guy in this franchise. You’re next, Charlie.

What I don’t get is how her visions act as both present exposition and Yancy predictions.

Colin:

Yancy predictions? Yancy, the retarded cousin of the Ghost of Christmas Future? That Yancy? Is that a thing now? Oh, I like that.

She’s like, “He’s gonna go provoke them,” and then it’s, “They said no, so he’s gonna make a scene.” Which of her visions are we not seeing? She must get more than just those. How does she know which to pay attention to and which to ignore? Because it seems like there are a lot of visions she could be having that aren’t these specific ones.

But yeah, he’s gonna do that, and then…

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She can feel his imaginary future pain?

Or did she just cum?

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Hello, Italy.

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Goddamn, son.

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It’s time to get out, indeed.

Colin:

OH SERIOUSLY WITH THIS YOU NEED TO STOP I’VE SEEN IT 12 TIMES THIS WEEK

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Right, though?

Colin:

I do see your point, though.

Those will be my last words after somebody stabs me.

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Colin:

This car really is making things better.

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OUT OF THE WAY, ASSHOLES!

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You don’t see the yellow and red contrast much. Good job.

Colin:

Of course these people are annoyed. This is Ferrari country. Tifosi blood runs thick here.

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It’s also St. Marco’s Day. They’re celebrating the expulsion of vampires from the city. Hooray, convenience!

Colin:

Naturally they’re there on the day that’s about murdering vampires.

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Uh oh. The po-po.

Squalay.

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They get stopped. Because they gotta rep their boy Enzo.

Alice tells Bella to break out.

“Bella, you’re the only one he can’t see coming.”

Colin:

Good. He can’t read her thoughts, although he has been able to watch over her this past year…so I don’t know what that’s about.

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That means run, you cunt.

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I like how she just runs away from the car and the police do nothing about it.

I wish they’d have cut back to Alice as she randomly speaks fluent Italian to the officers and charms her way out of the ticket.

Because you know she did.

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Still not able to handle buttons, huh?

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I like how that one chick is barely trying? “Red robes? Meh… I got this jacket. That’ll work.”

The Thriller Collection.

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How do you know where you’re even running?

Also, that face.

The Swan Ultimatum.

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A HA HA. This shot amuses me.

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Isn’t this where we came in?

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They really like framing their movies this way, don’t they?

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At least there’s no voiceover this time.

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Wouldn’t it be funny if they’re at the complete wrong place and Alice’s vision was wrong? And Edward was drinking himself to death like, ten blocks over and fucking a hooker just for one last thrill on the way out.

Anything to make this more interesting.

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Colin:

This isn’t a very densely packed crowd. She made it past the icons and across the aisle really easily. And now she’s running between people.

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Look at those two people’s faces.

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How does that clock work, exactly?

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See? What if he was just putting his shirt on after being with the hooker?

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“FORREST!”

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Colin:

DUDE eat a cheeseburger.

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^ ^ ^ ^ ^

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Colin:

I was sure she was gonna fall down in the fountain. Surprisingly coordinated on wet marble, surprisingly uncoordinated on a dirt bike.

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I like how no one thinks twice about a white woman running at full speed in a crowd.

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Colin:

The little girl’s like, “Look, a shiny hobo!”

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So how exactly does the sunlight feel on his face? Is that ever addressed?

Is there any reason why they get sparkly instead of turn into dust?

Is there no supplement he can take?

Maybe some Sunny D?

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“You have to move!”

Colin:

She didn’t yell to him in advance or anything, she just tackle hugged him. I knew people who did that in college.

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“Open your eyes.”

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“Look at me. I’m alive. You have to move.”

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Colin:

So there’s still another half hour to this movie, so I’m gonna bet my bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun he already broke the law and now they’re coming to kill him. Am I right? Watch me be right.

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“You’re here.”

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 845

“You’re alive.”

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 846

“Yes.”

Shakespearean.

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 847

“I needed to make you see me once. You had to know I was alive, I didn’t want to feel guilty or anything. I can – let you go now.”

Really? “I couldn’t let you go for months, but now that you thought I was dead, I had to make sure you knew I was alive. Now I can get over you.”

Kill everyone.

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 848

“You never had to let it go. I just couldn’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”

Wait, what?

“You never had to get over me” And “If you were dead, I couldn’t be alive.” These are two completely different thoughts and he just threw them together in practically the same sentence.

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“But you said –”

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 850

“I lied.”

WELL FUCKING REALLY

Colin:

People shouldn’t lie to their partners.

She says it doesn’t make sense for him to love her. She’s nothing. She’s a human.

“Bella – you’re everything to me.”

Colin:

He winces with every word he says in a way that almost reminds me of Joaquin Phoenix in The Master, but just…not good.

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Colin:

And, commence the gratuitous kissing.

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 852

He’s still not wearing a shirt, by the way.

And somehow no one sees this.

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Well, the first one, anyway.

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 854

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 855

Colin:

Was I right, or was I right?

Vampire hitmen.

That is all.

Colin:

These two look like Elton John and Janet Reno when they were young.

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 856

They gotta take Bella with them. He says fuck them. Over his dead body.

So… just over him, or…?

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 857

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 858

FUCK DOORS!

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 859

Oh shit, that was Alice?!

Colin:

She has sunglasses and a shawl and gloves on, but she still had plenty of face that would have been sparkly out there.

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 860

I love her.

Colin:

She broke the door. I like her.

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So did the stolen car not have any repercussions, or…”

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 862

What is this, Don’t Look Now? What’s with the child back there?

Colin:

Who’s this chick? I don’t like her.

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 863

OH SHIT IT’S DAKOTA FANNING.

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 864

“Jane.”

Why does it seem like they have a history?

Did they fuck?

DID YOU FUCK DAKOTA FANNING ROBERT PATTINSON?

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 865

“Aro sent me to see what’s taking so long.”

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 866

That’s it? She says the guy sent her to see what was taking so long and leaves?

Colin:

They JUST got here. How is it all taking too long?

Plus, they’re immortal. So, what exactly is an hour to them, time-wise?

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 867

And they listen?

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 868

HA HA. That’s great. “Put on a fucking shirt.”

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 869

The Twilight Saga New Moon - 870

Just having Dakota Fanning in a location like this and knowing Shiho is opening up so many comedic possibilities.

Or maybe opening up was the wrong choice of phrase…

But we will think about these possibilities until tomorrow, because that’s the END OF PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and about 20 unnecessary minutes.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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