Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – Eclipse (2010), Part III — “Cunta Kinte”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Eclipse, Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the third part of Eclipse:

We begin Part III with Vampire Combat Training.

“Again.”

Now that’s training.

(He sounds like Piccolo.)

Colin:

So they’re in training? Do they do that? Can they get stronger? If so, why don’t they train constantly, instead of lounging around? Stupid question. I would lounge around for centuries.

I like how he has a vehicle for every occasion.

Colin:

It is good to have vehicles for occasions. Sometimes people just buy a single vehicle based on a single thing that they do, and it ends up being awful. Families who buy a minivan because they had their second baby: no. We did just fine as a society before minivans were invented because a sedan or a simple hatchback will do the trick. Just because you had your second kid doesn’t mean you’re immediately going to be ferrying around seventeen kids for town soccer. Man, I hate minivans.

You’ll see this shit in classified ads all the time —  “We’ve got another kid on the way, so my wife’s making me sell the convertible and get a minivan.” You poor, sorry fuck. If I get married, I’ll be the sort of guy who has very few requirements for a wife, but if mine ever tries to make me sell one of my cars to make room for a minivan, she’ll hear from my lawyer by the end of the day. I want that shit in writing.

Add that to the list of things we both despise — minivans.

Every goddamn shot.

Too bad this wasn’t a mine field.

This is like Rocky and Apollo coming together.

If there’s no gay beach scene, I’m not interested.

Colin:

Funny that their wolf genes awakened to fight off the Cold Ones, but it couldn’t stop the regular shitty humans from taking their land. OOPS!

Colin:

And so they show up for this truce, cause that’s how this is gonna go. Of course, they’re still looking all nasty and shit with their squinty-ass wolf eyes, but they’ll be good.

I still don’t understand the point of this. Victoria loved James. He went crazy when he smelled Bella at a baseball game and lured her to a dance studio where he was killed by the Cullens.

I want you to appreciate that sentence before I continue.

Then she got pissed and came back to get Bella. So instead of coming and doing the deed herself (which apparently is not that fucking difficult since Riley ended up IN HER FUCKING HOUSE within 30 minutes of the movie starting), she starts creating a giant “army’ of newborns (which totals, what, 45, maybe?). Apparently this is all taking place during the events of New Moon, since the first movie ends at junior prom, and here, graduation is at the front of the movie. So she creates this army for what reason? Because she knows the Cullens are protecting Bella and wants them out of the picture? So she makes an army to distract them while she goes to kill Bella? Because this is a really stupid and convoluted plan.

Colin:

This is unbelievable though. It’s like if George Lucas had built up tension for two movies before finally giving us the podrace at the end of the third, rather than throwing it in so wantonly only 45 minutes into the first film. 

I hope you all got my sarcasm. The podrace, like this coming fight, was a useless and convoluted plot device that could easily have been skipped. The joke here is that we’re getting this on the THIRD MOVIE. I’ve known Dragonball Z sagas to advance plot more quickly and effectively than this. And I’d STILL rather watch the podrace than this fight.

What’s fucked up — so would I.

I’d rather watch an Anakin/Padme love scene than this.

“Hey, Jake.”

Kill her.

Colin:

Kill me first.

Everyone’s against this relationship with her and Jacob.

I guess that really does make him the… leader of the pack.

She’s awesome.

“Good morning. In less than an hour…”

Colin:

Carlisle handles his shit. I’m cool with him and Alice. We cool.

Esme’s got some titties showing.

Colin:

Nice cargo pants, Rosalie. She can’t go anywhere without her Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. And why does Edward look like a guy who just emerged from the basement after 76 hours playing World of Warcraft?

“They wanna know how the newborns differ from us.”

What if a newborn has AIDS? Does that affect anything?

What if you bite a person with AIDS?

What if you drink a drunk person’s blood?

I’m sorry, I just don’t give a shit about anything that’s happening now and I’m curious.

This felt like the appropriate time to ask questions.

These assholes are.

I guess you can call me Edward James… Olmos-t interested.

Colin:

There are two things I admire about Edward James Olmos. He can multiply by nines, and he’s married to Lymari Nadal. I’m a big fan, but he must really stand and delove her.

“They’re a great deal stronger than us, because their old human blood lingers in their tissues.”

Colin:

Oh, convenient. Edward can read their minds and translate. Okay. Carlisle’s gonna take that and go with it cause he’s trusting.

It’s because he has a good sense of when people are… Car-lying.

“A newborn army doesn’t need thousands like a human army. And no human army can stand against them.”

Doesn’t he look kind of like a young Johnny Depp?

Colin:

So a vampire’s strongest in the first few months? That’s fucked up. I thought you’d be stronger the more you trained, but apparently, that ain’t shit.

So that twelve year old is currently stronger than Edward, is what you’re telling me?

“STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY.”

Colin:

Ah yes. Tora! Tora! Tora! I remember it well.

When it comes to Pearl Harbor… no can defend, indeed.

I love how he’s assuming the teacher pose.

“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”

Colin:

What about agility? The USE of your skills? They’re all n00bs, shouldn’t they be unaware of how shit works at first?

I hate all of this.

Colin:

It’s amusing to me how so many of the lines we used to express our frustration during the Star Wars prequel articles are coming back because at the time we thought that was as bad as shit was ever going to get. How wrong we were.

Even more amusing?

That wasn’t from the prequels.

That was about Endor.

Which — I’d rather there were Ewoks here than most of these people.

He says never let them get their arms around them.

Colin:

So you shouldn’t let them get their arms around you. Okay. That goes with everyone for me.

And never go for the obvious kill.

“They’ll be expecting that. And you will lose.”

Colin:

I don’t know what that means. Attack them head on? To me, if you’re an enemy and they’re aware of you, any kill is an obvious kill. And if it fails, it is by definition, NOT a ‘kill.’

Why don’t you all sit in the trees and shoot them in the fucking faces?

Though I will change my opinion on this sequence if Jasper pulls Esme to the front and starts showing them — “This is a kill! This is a wound!”

Colin:

That pig took it like Elijah Wood.

People really can’t read these articles unless they’ve seen movies. This is a strange time to be reaching that realization.

Oh man – sparring.

This just got good.

Colin:

He thinks that’s air he’s breathing right now. I mean, it is, but…

Why are you wearing jeans?

“I win, motherfucker.”

Colin:

So Jasper’s the fighting boss, eh? Funny. He was the one I always assumed was the lightweight of the group. I guess that’s Edward, actually? Of the guys, anyway. We’ll have to see. That is, we’ll have to see if we care.

There’s really nothing to say here. It’s literally a sparring montage.

That’s essentially dead air for us.

So, in the meantime…

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.

Thank you.

Edward vs. Carlisle.

ROUND 1!

He’s walking around the way Brad Pitt circled Fight Club.

K-O!

One more thing –”

“Never turn your back on your enemy.”

Colin:

“Smell my fingers, bitch.”

Colin:

“…no.”

Colin:

“I SAID SMELL MY FINGERS, BITCH!”

Colin:

“Mm! Minty!”

She did okay. I guess everyone should follow her… Rosa-lead.

Oh, this’ll be good.

Have I said it enough times that I like when characters can communicate without speaking?

Because I do.

Colin:

She’s got one of those teeny Michael Jackson noses.

I want you all to know that I was this close from switching “noses” with “vaginas” and not telling him that I did it.

“Oh, you sexy bitch…”

Oh yeah.

Oh, you know she a freak.

Colin:

Alice wins. Cause titties. Oh, and she wins the fight, too.

She’s clearly the best character in these movies.

It’s not even a competition.

The three best things in these movies are Alice and Anna Kendrick’s tits.

And I haven’t even seen those for two movies now.

Kill all of these people.

“Some of you are gonna get hurt. Some of you are gonna get killed. Because of me.”

Stop with the pauses.

Colin:

She needs to stop with the pauses and he needs to stop with the pawses.

This drinking game is way too easy.

Are you fucking petting him?

Colin:

Animal transformations are fucked up. Cause now he’s like, “Yeah, pet me on the head. Mmmmmm!” I wouldn’t be cool with that.

Watch out for his wolf dick.

Training Day is over.

Colin:

He’s walking away, and he turns. Clearly he’s thinking SOMETHING. How is it not, “I wanna FUCK THAT?” Edward’s gotta hear that. He has the upper hand cause he can read Jacob’s thoughts. He just just drop it in conversation that Jacob is thinking of licking Bella’s pussy lips, and Bella would be like, “EW, what?!” and never talk to the stupid wolf again.

Completely tuned out right now. This isn’t even a joke.

“Jasper – are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help?”

Well yeah, considering you’re the reason this is happening.

But he says her presence alone is gonna drive them crazy.

So she’s got that going for her. Which is nice.

I guess, to newborns, she’s… heaven scent.

“Hey – how do you know so much about this?”

Is this the flashback movie? Are we gonna get some, “I remember the night you were born” moments like from Signs?

Damn. Look at those arms. He’s got quite a few… vamp, stamps.

Apparently he fought for the Confederates.

Colin:

Aw, why’d you have to do that? I was sorta okay with Jasper, and now you tell me he was a Confederate soldier? What the fuck? Aw, dude…

“Youngest major in the Texas cavalry.”

Colin:

I hate the Confederates.

Josey Wales fought for the Confederates.

It’s amusing to me that you hate them so much, and yet, almost every major western protagonist has fought for them.

Colin:

Not all of them. And fortunately, most of them are well past the whole Confederate thing by the time we start our stories. But so many of the old cavalry westerns follow dudes who fought for the Union. Rio Grande, for instance. I think it’s hard to romanticize the Union in the way that Hollywood has been able to do with the Old South. The western protagonists never seem to be the ones yelling about states’ rights or a return to slavery. Their association with the Confederacy seems more seated in its expediency as promoting the image of a dying breed.

So I guess what I don’t like is that the South is always portrayed as a victim that lost in spite of its nobility and superior culture. Yes, the North seems less human because we won the war through industrial superiority. But we also didn’t own people.

See, but when I see someone as a member of the Confederacy, I think of them as that western archetype, and not as the asshole that owned people.

I picture that person as Big Daddy.

He’s a cavalry officer. That’s totally cool with me.

You guys remember John Carter?

Colin:

Nope.

He does.

This’ll end well.

Colin:

He rides at night all by himself? Maybe he was meant to be a vampire.

You guys ever see Rio Grande?

Colin:

Who are these chicks, though? Mexican chick? You know that’s happening.

I love this location. A little stretch of land in the middle of a river.

This is pretty great.

Colin:

This is like something out of Pokemon. where there are bodies of water everywhere and they all randomly have tiny, flat spits of land throughout, as though they were sandbars. And you could use the Item Finder and pick up random shit on them all the time. “JASPER found MEXICAN CHICK! MEXICAN CHICK was put in the KEY ITEMS pouch!”

“Mike used MEXICAN CHICK! Oak’s words echoed… There’s a time and a place for everything! But not now.”

Ouch, I just tripped over a rocky Pokémon, Geodude!

What up, Catalina Sandino Moreno?

(That’s normal, that I knew that so quickly, right?)

Also, I like how two of them are in corsets, but the third one has titties, so they didn’t even bother.

Titties > corsets.

Colin:

Q.E.D. That was the shortest proof ever.

Q.E.DD

She want the dick.

Or something.

The horse bows too. Nice one, Fritz.

Colin:

There’s a Western (Southern) that portrays the South in a way I appreciated.

“You better do it, Maria.”

Colin:

She’s full of grace, after all.

I appreciated that.

This is seriously all people need to do to get on my good side.

Shit like this.

(And if you don’t know what “this” is, then there you go.)

“I hope you survive. You may be of great use to me.”

Well that’s a great thing to say to somebody.

So she just walks up to him and turns him.

This is why you don’t have manners.

Colin:

Oh, he went easy. You know you would, too.

So apparently he worked for Maria and trained newborns.

Colin:

I don’t get why you follow the vampire who turned you. There are whole series devoted to revenge plots over shit like this, but whenever a vampire gets turned, they seem to just look at the vampire who just changed them and go, “So…what’s next?” You’d think that Jasper would be ready to use his new abilities to go fight the war again. But I guess he doesn’t give a shit about the war that he was so into like a day ago.

Vampdingo fighting.

Colin:

So he trains them, and he was cool with that? Weren’t the Volturi pissed at all this? Oh, I guess they didn’t have planes back then. The modern day must really have empowered them.

Look at this shit.

More like Children of the Corny.

Colin:

How much would it suck to live in that time? Working all day, busting your ass, just to have a living. Wearing the same long underwear every day, under your work clothes and then to bed. Shoveling ox shit. Sure, you could go the saloon and drink whiskey and stuff, but you can do that now. I love Westerns as a genre, but nothing about that time or place makes me want to live there.

They took baths by heating up water and tossing it into a tub. That’s pretty amusing.

Christ.

This is a terrible flashback.

He does get to fuck two hot chicks in this franchise, though.

So that’s something.

Also, what’s funny — I looked up what happened to her after this — apparently she’s just chilling in Mexico and fighting it out, gangland style.

I bet she’s doing better than Marisol.

Colin:

Someone make that movie, where Marisol gets changed and goes back for revenge. It’d be like From Desperado Till Dawn.

For those of you who don’t know, Marisol Valles Garcia is a woman who, at the age of 20 and with a newborn baby, became the police chief of a small Mexican town after the cartels killed the previous chief. Mike and I heard about the story and checked in on her from time to time to see if she was still alive and all that. We really did expect her to be beheaded or something, but she fled to the US and is living in El Paso. Supposedly, there was an off-off Broadway play about her.

There’s nothing more off-off Broadway than El Paso.

Also, her predecessor was captured and beheaded. So it’s not like our expectations were way out of line.

We just thought it was hilarious that a 20-year-old criminology student was like, “I’m gonna come in and stop the cartels!” It was like the Matt Damon plot of the bad Sarah Palin movie. And I remember we watched some video of her talking to a news crew, and her little police station had like, four guns, locked up in cases, three other deputies, two of which were women her age, and as they interviewed her in front of the place, the fucking front door had bullet holes in it! It was so entertaining on so many levels.

And Colin and I would randomly have that spider sense of, “I wonder what Marisol’s doing right now.” And we’d bring it up and both go, “Do you think she’s dead?” It was like that spider sense we used to have of, “I haven’t heard anything from DMX in a while…” and we’d both go check independently of one another, and sure enough — he’d have been arrested two days earlier for impersonating a federal agent and stealing a car at an airport or something.

No joke, practically every time we checked, that happened. I think that’s our great gift — Colin and I can manage to say the same thing when we watch movies independent of one another, sense that DMX is going to be arrested the way Legolas reads into horizons, and we have this other uncanny ability to send emails to one another within seconds at random hours of the day. (No joke, we’ll have not corresponded for like 18 hours, and somehow will still always send emails within 12 seconds of one another. It’s beyond impressive to us at this point and has just become an amusing event.)

I guess this is what you do when you’re a vampire.

Being a vampire must have sucked before the internet.

Pun aside, that’s no joke. What the fuck would you do?

Colin:

Being an ANYTHING must have sucked before the internet. If a movie takes place before the internet, no matter how awesome their lives look, I’m always like, “But I have a smart phone.” Cause the internet is awesome. And if you’re someone who came of age before the internet and wants to make a case that life was more fun then, I’ll remind you that you aren’t reading a book right now.

Oh, but yeah… he also had to end them.

Conflict.

SNAP!

Colin:

“That is cause she is never gonna know bout it, bitch!”

“I killed them. I killed them all.”

Colin:

“Sand People” is a funny name.

Bella Swan is my Sand People.

He thought he loved Maria. But she was using him.

Then he met Alice. Who saw him coming, naturally.

(And now she sees him coming all the time!)

(NAILED IT!)

She’s awesome.

Colin:

Aw, that’s sweet. They’re from the South. Ew.

Why do we never find out Alice’s backstory? I’m more interested in her than I am in the rest of them.

Colin:

Hers could be interesting. She’s from Biloxi and wound up in an asylum. 

We need to bring back asylums.

I love how not subtle these flashbacks are.

Every single one of them directly relates to something that will happen later, and it’s not like it’s even subtle, since THAT’S THE ONLY REASON THEY SHOW THEM!

God, this franchise sucks.

Colin:

The fuck is this? A dream about Maria/Victoria? Are they related? Is she having a premonition or something? What’s the significance of this dream? I pretty much refuse to believe that it isn’t significant or relevant because a franchise like this would never spend time on something that wasn’t coming back. They aren’t grown-up enough. It’s one of those times where for whatever period of time is covered by the film, everything that you witness at any time is interconnected.

Sex dreams.

Colin:

TITTAY.

A ha. That dreamcatcher caught her dream more than he did.

I love how he still can’t read her.

Somebody call LeVar Burton.

Though since it’s Bella, I guess she’d be more like Cunta Kinte.

Colin:

“Butterfly in the sky / Why won’t this bitch just die? / Take a bite / End her tonight / Reading Rainbow!”

Actually, I always liked that original song because of how douchey it was. It’s all, “Fuck you, Butterfly, I can fly higher than you! You ain’t shit.”

And then you tell the butterfly to look at a fucking book, because the reason you can fly higher than it is there.

So basically the Reading Rainbow song is about telling a butterfly, “Fuck you, I have higher brain function!”

This is why we’re here, people.

Somehow she knows it’s Victoria.

Colin:

Since when do we listen to this mortal’s dreams?

Just carrying a body.

You know.

“Welcome to the army.”

What if the actual army did this the same way?

Again, weird how they just join like that.

Also, what is he cringing about?

Colin:

I bet this is him remembering how it was for himself, cause it was recent. If they set this up more competently, they’d follow through with the Jasper parallel — showing Riley’s growing conflict over what they’re doing and then having him break at the end when Jasper is able to relate to him because of his past with Maria. He’d be more in line with the victim identity that we see on the missing person posters Charlie’s been looking at, and when he dies for whatever reason, we might even feel a little bad for him. But instead, they don’t develop that at all (which makes you wonder why this shot is even included), never put him and Jasper in the same scene, and let him go out evil and without consequence.

Seriously, can I just get a job punching up scripts? Cause it seems like nobody else out there is doing it.

You and me both.

Yawn.

“I’m not gonna hide while you’re taking all the risks for me.”

Colin:

You stupid bitch. You can’t take risks at this point. Don’t you get that? They have powers, you don’t. If me and a bunch of fish had to look for some shit underwater, the fish would go look for that thing, and I’d chill on the boat because I know better than to try to go underwater myself. She’s too focused on equity and not focused enough on reality. But then, neither is this franchise.

I love that all of our sentences responding to shit she says start with “You stupid bitch.”

How can anyone like this girl? She’s the worst human being on the face of the earth. She is the reason we have natural selection.

Colin:

That’s why I’m on board for her to die now. It’d be a Dar-win.

“This stupid bitch…”

Seriously.

So now he’s keeping her away from the battle.

“With the wolves in this, it’s an easy win.”

I like how he goes, “Yeah, stay away, we got this shit won. Who cares about third act tension? The whole thing is gonna be completely pointless and amount to nothing.”

Because that’s what happens.

Colin:

That was even worse than Lucas. George diffuses the tension of a single scene or even just part of a scene. This is the last THIRD of the film that Edward’s just written off.

“I think it’s dangerous for us to be apart.”

“I’ll be worried, you’ll be worried, and we’ll both be more vulnerable.”

Is it possible for her to be more vulnerable?

So he’s just gonna go with her and not fight.

Colin:

This IS what makes the most sense. She should have an escort if the whole point is to keep her safe while roughing up the bad guys.

They’re gonna fight in the field.

Colin:

Get a shirt. I don’t want to tell you again.

And Jacob is gonna carry Bella to mask her scent with his.

Colin:

“YOU stink!” “NO, YOU STINK!” Guys, you both stink. Figuratively and literally.

Right now, the three words that best describe me are as follows, and I quote: “Drink, drank, drunk.”

“Eau de Wolf, coming up.”

Colin:

This is just an excuse for him to carry her. Couldn’t they piggy back? I guess that’d be too un-sexual.

Yes, run into the woods, McConaughey.

Colin:

That’s what Jacob hates about these vampires — he gets older, they stay the same age. Yes they do.

Right, though?

Colin:

I wish. She dies, Jacob founds the BellaBlack Shrimp Company…

“Lieutenant Billy… you got new legs. New legs!”

“So you gonna ask me to sit out of the fight too? Or don’t you care about my safety?”

Colin:

Didn’t they tell him to run?

He let Sam be Alpha. He doesn’t want to be in a pack, let alone its leader.

Colin:

I’m pretty sure whenever someone tells you that they COULD have been the leader but just decided not to, they’re full of shit. She just doesn’t know the circumstances. The only person I buy this approach from is Aragorn, son of Arathorn (and he will have your allegiance).

“He is Arathorn, son of Arathorn, and you owe him a piece of that ass!”

“Every choice has its consequence. Some more than others.”

Colin:

I think we’re having the same conversation for the 18th time.

“Oh, don’t start with that shit.”

Why? This is the perfect time. A situation like this is exactly the time to bring this up.

“You know you want the dick.”

She kinda does. He’s not just… howling Dixie.

“Don’t worry, I promise I wouldn’t kiss you again til you asked.”

“You’re gonna be keeping that promise for a while, chief.”

Wow. A personality. Where’d that come from?

Colin:

She calls him “Chief.” That isn’t offensive.

This whole movie is offensive.

“All I picked up was wolf stench. No Bella.”

Colin:

Jasper’s really got quite the drawl now.

“This will work.”

“Great.”

You seem thrilled. Thrilled.

Colin:

ANOTHER PORSCHE! WHAT?! It’s another yellow 911, but this one isn’t a Turbo like the one in New Moon. Interesting. I can’t decide if I’m thrilled that they’ve decided to use Porsches instead of other stuff, or upset that now Porsche is associated with Twilight on multiple occasions. I guess it’s Alice driving the cars both times, so I’m cool with it. She has good taste in vehicles. Although, I when I looked into it, apparently Edward bought this car for her as a gift after she told him how she liked the one she stole in Italy. So this is supposed to be a different yellow 911 Turbo. And they decided to go with a cheapo standard Carrera so people wouldn’t notice. Don’t you have the money for this shit now? Rent a Turbo.

I’m still wondering how nobody noticed that Charlie and Bella clearly moved after the events of the first movie.

Remember when he parked his car on the lawn? They have a driveway now.

Why am I the only one who thinks this is a big deal?

Colin:

People don’t pay attention to cars or houses.

That conversation must be interesting as hell.

“What the fuck were YOU doing?”

Charlie thinks they’re going camping.

Colin:

Oh, so Alice is charming Charlie and hooking everything up in advance. Good business.

She told him she’s gonna stay with her at the house.

Only – she’s really gonna have the house with Edward tonight. Alone.

Colin:

And Bella and Edward have the place to themselves tonight. I bet they’re gonna fuck. Oh right, Twilight. I bet they play Scattergories.

“Like, alone?”

Reaction shots.

She sees Bella still doesn’t get it.

The key to comedy.

“You’re welcome.”

“Hey. You want a sandwich?”

Pretty sure the key to a successful relationship is always starting an interaction with this sentence.

Colin:

EAT SOMETHING. ENJOY FOOD WHILE YOU CAN.

Charlie likes Alice.

And I like both Charlie and Alice, so right there, this movie is still on the right track. These are the two characters I like most. Charlie is the most sensible, and Alice is the most entertaining. So the fact that they like each other – everybody wins.

Colin:

The key words in that sentence were, “so right there.” I wouldn’t call this movie “on track,” but there are certainly isolated parts that we enjoy. Like pockets of air trapped at the top of an underwater cavern in which we’ll eventually drown.

This movie really is the queef of cinema.

“Hey dad, I was wondering… why don’t you get remarried?”

Not the best time to ask that question.

“Hey, you want a sandwich?” “How come you never got remarried?”

What the fuck is this?

Colin:

Asking your divorced parents why they never got remarried is awkward. Asking them why they got divorced, not so much. But he’s already talked about this before. Being a bachelor and stuff. She’s just making things uncomfortable. And by the way, I’ve heard about how children with divorced parents are supposed to like Twilight because they can “identify with Bella.” Right. That makes complete sense. My parents have been divorced for nearly my whole life, and I want to drown this girl. In that underwater cavern.

Now she’s asking about the institution of marriage.

Colin:

This whole scene needs to die and be killed so it can be dead and then put to death by guillotine and killed again for the deathness.

“You definitely don’t want to have to get married because you weren’t –”

“Careful.”

“There’s things you need to think about if you’re gonna be — physically intimate.”

“What?”

Oh. Really? Don’t make him have to explain it.

See?

“This is just as embarrassing for me as it is for you.”

“I doubt that.”

Why would you doubt that?

“And don’t bother, because Mom beat you to it about ten years ago.”

“You didn’t have a boyfriend ten years ago.”

You were eight ten years ago.

“I’m sure things work the same way.”

“So… you’re taking precautions?”

She tells him Edward is “old school.”

“Old school. What is that, code for something?”

Colin:

Yeah, it’s code for uncircumsized and no condom. 

If anyone’s rawdogging it, it’s Jacob.

“Oh my god. Dad – I’m a virgin.”

“Glad we covered that.”

“Me too.”

Again, with the personality.

Colin:

I HATE all of this scene. Her dad doing the awkward “talk” thing, which — no parent need do this EVER again because kids today are privy to FAR more than parents could possibly imagine.

Han Solo:

I dunno, I can imagine quite a bit.

Colin:

But the dad’s awkward about it cause he’s not used to child-rearing (which sounds like a gross term, especially when you think of what it’s probably slang for among creepier Japanese circles) and she makes a big thing about how obvious it should be that she’s a virgin and acts all proud of it. There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin — I did it for the better part of a decade, and it was cool enough — but you don’t have to be smug about it, especially when you’re SUPPOSEDLY a role model for young women. The protection bit, I like. Everything else…die in a fire.

“I’m liking Edward a little bit more now.”

So by leaving her virginity in tact, Edward is just… Cullen favor with Charlie.

Colin:

“Virgin…likin’ Edward a little bit more, now.” Ugh.

I like that he’s eating a sandwich. I want a sandwich.

I guarantee you, within four hours of me writing this, I will have a sandwich.

Oh, new scene already?

What if she came back down with her stuff and, on the way out, she just said, “But not in the butt!”?

“What are you doing outside? What’s wrong?”

I don’t think you know how personal property works, buddy.

What if Victoria was just sitting outside the window, furiously masturbating?

Colin:

You guys probably don’t know this, but Mike asks this question often, and at the most inappropriate times. “What if [person] was just [place], furiously masturbating?”

You say that like it’s not a legitimate question.

And now he gives her another bracelet.

Colin:

He got her a thing, too. Cause he should have before (even though she dislikes gifts, supposedly) and Jacob gave her that piece of shit.

What’s with the Debussy?

Colin:

Claire de Lune. This is the song she said she liked, and even though he doesn’t seem to be expecting her, it’s just starting now. And the family isn’t home. They’re not gonna fuck, and it’s not an anniversary. If he hadn’t proposed to her like 70 times, I’d say that’s what this was. Cause goddamn, it’s set up for it. But he’s doing that left and right. So I guess it’s just a coincidence for the twelve people who like Twilight and also happen to be cultured. And the people like us who are watching for other reasons.

I’m cultured.

But like, in that bacteria kind of way.

Naturally you take her here.

“There’s a bed.”

Yeah, remember how you’ve been sleeping in the same one as him for like two years now?

Colin:

There..is a bed. This IS a house, you know. I’m aware that they don’t sleep, but they don’t eat, either and there’s still a kitchen. These are things to keep up appearances.

They do fuck, though. Which is why they have the bed.

Because you sure as hell can’t spend eternity fucking in the woods.

Nobody likes an acorn up their snatch.

Colin:

Clearly you’ve never been to Singapore.

The worst part about this is how he goes, “Is it too much?” and she goes, “No. It’s perfect.”

FUCK YOU!

The things you think are perfect and the things you think are shitty make no fucking sense. Stop being such an egotistical cunt.

Cunta Kinte, indeed.

“I wanna ask you something.”

I hate this sentence. I hate anyone who makes sentences like this.

Even worse is when they phrase it as a question. “Can I ask you something?”

No. Fuck you. Move on.

Colin:

I’m the douchebag who replies, “You just did,” and then I go back to whatever I was doing.

“Anything.”

She checks to make sure marriage is still his condition for changing her.

Of course it is.

(Though I’m pretty sure being a vampire is his condition.)

She wants to negotiate her own condition.

(Isn’t that what she’s doing?)

“Anything you want. It’s yours.”

(She makes him promise after this, too, as if that previous statement wasn’t good enough.)

“I wanna fuck Jacob.”

Where did she learn to negotiate like that?

Colin:

I thought we were having a conversation. I guess not. But whatever, kissing is still better than this dialogue, so I’ll take it.

He doesn’t wanna do it.

Colin:

DUDE WHAT THE FUCK

“No.”

I think he does want to be Brando. That sounded like, “Oh, Charley…”

Colin:

SERIOUSLY SHE’S TRYING TO FUCK YOU YOU NEED TO DO THIS FOR ME I’VE BEEN WAITING

He thinks he’ll hurt her or some such shit.

Colin:

He’s worried it’ll HURT her? What, is he SUPERMAN? Is his jizz gonna blow a hole in her back?

I’d pay money — and by that I mean, I will shell out money for every Blu-ray of this franchise — if he turned her by eating her out and sinking his fangs into her vag.

Because, honestly, for all the build up you put into the fucking, he better bite her right as she cums. Because anything other than that is gonna be a fucking waste of virginity.

“But you said that you wanted me to have every human experience.”

Like what? Medieval Times? Getting finger blasted in that little half a wing of your high school that always smelled like piss?

Colin:

Coincidentally, at my high school, that wing was called Medieval Times.

What counts as “every human experience”? Divorce? Cancer? Raising children and watching them hate you? The Ice Capades?

Where does he draw the line at “every”? Because it seems like one of his ideas of “human experience” was junior fucking prom.

I’d rather do PCP than go to junior prom.

She wants him. “While I’m still me.”

Colin:

Don’t they have lead condoms? At the very least, you can finger her super fast. At least make her cum. What a selfish asshole.

Colin:

I guess I was wrong. It wasn’t Scattergories or a proposal. It was sex.

Oh no… it wasn’t the airplanes…

Colin:

This isn’t baby-making music. Think of what this scene would be with this song under it instead. And now some of you reading this who’d never heard that are like, “Holy fuck, that’s the sample from Big Poppa!” Yes. We’re here to inform.

This Isn’t Baby-Making Music.

Also, think of what this scene would be with this song under it instead.

That’s baby-making music.

Well I guess that worked.

Ain’t happening.

Colin:

NO! It’s NOT SEX! WHAT THE FUCK, EDWARD?! Look, I hate Jacob, but Edward just lost MAJOR points.

I’m telling you — I think my team is the way to go.

Colin:

The only problem is that “Team Everyone Die in a Fire” doesn’t fit on a hat. Unless you had REALLY big hats. Gonna look into some stuff and check back later.

Fits on a t-shirt.

You know how I disapprove of hats.

He wants to. He just wants to be married to her first.

Colin:

This is religious propaganda. “Don’t use protection! Get married when you’re 18 and then start having babies immediately!”

“You really make me feel like I’m some sort of, like, villain trying to steal your virtue or something.”

Get on this shit, Disney.

Basically, though that’s his rule — don’t fuck her, so it’ll save her soul.

Colin:

Now he’s talking about keeping this rule so he can protect her soul. I can’t. This is actually the part of this franchise that I’m most upset about up to this point.

He’s from a different era.

Colin:

He’s from a different era, yes. Are you trying to say that nobody fucked back then? Cause that’s complete BS. Do I need to bring out Will McAvoy to tell you the figures of VD among troops during WWI? The first half of the 20th century was a whirlwind tour of STDs.

He goes on about how he’d have courted her in that era.

Might have stolen a kiss or two, you know you know.

Colin:

Iced tea on the porch? He was born in Chicago in 1901. Why does it sound like he was a college student in Meet Me in St. Louis? He’d have come of age just in time for the Roaring Twenties. This is Stephenie Meyer’s attempt at rewriting US history as a lot more straightlaced than it ever was.

The worst part?

They won’t even dance the hoochie koochie.

She’s so fucking turned on right now.

Complete with that.

Colin:

Oh my god. No. No. It was a proposal? After all the other shitty proposals? Why is he all ceremonious now? Before he was like, “Eh, fucking…marry me, or whatever.” And now he’s dropping his mother’s ring and making it all dramatic. Fuck, this is upsetting. Remember like FIVE minutes ago when I assumed this would be a proposal, but then decided it probably wouldn’t be because of how cliche and repetitive it would be?

“Isabella Swan, I promise to love you every moment, forever. Will you do me the extraordinary honor of marrying me?”

Colin:

This is a really bad proposal. It’s not with a smile, or a joke, or any other particular set-up. It’s on the back end of her begging for sex and him denying her. It’s also poorly-worded and clumsy. “I’ll love you forever, and stuff.”

“Yes.”

So, by the time they get married — he’ll be the something old, she’ll be the something new, all the dialogue will be something borrowed, and his balls will be the something blue.

Colin:

Everyone go back and read that sentence again for how perfect it all fits.

Colin:

Oh, it looks like he’s biting her. But he isn’t.

This franchise can bite me.

And that’s where we’ll END PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and one step closer to this fucking movie being finished.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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