Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – Eclipse (2010), Part IV — “And That’s How This Plot Continues”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Eclipse, Part IV.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fourth part of Eclipse:
We begin Part IV in what is, I believe, Akron.
Man… the Space Needle. Hitchcock would have had fun with that cut.
Monorails are cool. Monobrows aren’t.
This is a fascinating way to start a scene. It’s like, play staging.
Imagine they just stood there for like, forty seconds, and then started talking, Edward Albee style.
Again — really weird how they made the switch to Bryce Dallas Howard and nobody noticed.
Also, can’t you see what I’m saying about the Albee thing?
“You can’t afford to waste good liquor. Not on your salary.”
They have some sort of conversation. Yawn.
He seems like a young guy. A lot of vampires are pretty young and seem not to have finished their education just yet. Jasper probably knows all the high school stuff, but I wonder how he’d do in college. You figure there have to be some real moron vampires.
She manipulates the shit out of him.
She’s so playing him. She doesn’t love him.
“I love you. So much.”
She was born in London in the 1550s. That’s gross. She’s older than SHAKESPEARE. I wonder if this douche knows that. “Mm, you smell like Henry Tudor.”
Sociopaths are fun.
I often go around, smearing my blood on objects.
Oh, don’t put it on the tree. Gimli knows how to taste that.
So apparently he can handle it now.
He’s cool with her blood? If he’s gonna be the one to change her, he should drink as much as he can before stopping. Make a thing of it. Last chance for all eternity. Is she even gonna be a vampire ever? I mean, the bite is sex, and they do get married, so I’m assuming she does. That’s the consummation of their relationship, right?
“Since I spent 24 hours thinking you were dead.”
FYI — this asshole was gonna kill himself after thinking she was dead for a day.
And he didn’t even contact anyone to confirm. Well done, sir. Just hop a plane from Rio to Rome to kill yourself.
From Rio to Rome. That sounds like a Hope/Crosby movie.
Jacob needs a clear head. And a shirt.
Every goddamn franchise.
He can feel the storm coming. His bones are aching, Ani.
Just once they should have Halle Berry show up in her costume and be like, “… ahhhh.”
He’s doing it too.
Nothing like kissing a chick on the knit cap.
He’s doing it so she never… pulls the wool over his eyes.
“A bunch of vampires trying to kill me.”
“Same old, same old.”
I’m glad someone else recognizes the monotony of this plot. Nothing is happening. It’s like “Something” was on set, got distracted by one of the guys doing lighting and threw a hissy fit. And now “Something” and Twilight? They’re DONE, professionally.
They stand on logs, for they are evil.
It’s kind of like Gangs… of New Forks.
Everybody’s wearing the same thing.
I wonder if they had Lautner really run through the woods carrying her. I would believe it.
This might be the most emo shot in the franchise.
This is where they’re gonna fight over Bella?
Does that make it… Swan Lake?
Oh, they come out of it? So do they not need to breathe? Do they show up just like the dead pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean?
I like how I didn’t even need to say where it was stolen from.
Why would you go like this? Your clothes are gonna be all wet. You can’t fight in wet clothes.
This would be a sinister shot if they weren’t wearing knit fucking caps.
Seriously, why would you recruit a twelve year old to fight for you?
Why do they keep cutting back to HER of all the guys here? She’s coming back later.
The Vampire Goes Camping.
What material there is here for children’s books.
Pulling back to show that he’s alone on the mountain? Really?
I guess this is more like high… moon.
Seriously? You saw her like an hour ago. All that happened was that she was carried through the forest by a wolf. Why the fuck are you hugging her like her safety was in jeopardy at any point?
… for doing what I just told you to do.
Only in this franchise could someone’s reaction to “Thank you” be to stand there with their shirt off.
“You should get back before the storm hits.”
What’s the storm gonna do? He’s a werewolf. He’ll melt the snow. Plus — isn’t the brunt of the storm gonna be up here? Pretty sure if the storm hits and he’s like, twenty minutes down the mountain, he’ll be fine.
I love how whenever she does show concern for other people, it’s completely stupid and makes no sense.
Storms make no sense whatsoever. This one is gonna leave crazy snow here and do nothing like 5 minutes down the mountain.
“No, I’m staying. You’ll need my connection to the pack to keep tabs on what’s going on.”
Can’t Edward just read it?
That is suspect. Cause he reads it later, doesn’t he? So what the hell is this?
Just like his father, Jacob is being a third… wheel.
“You’re not gonna fight?”
AKA, “You’re not gonna risk your life for me?”
I hate her. I hate her with my own soul.
“Seth will spell me in the morning. He’s not happy about missing the action, but it’ll keep him out of trouble.”
What’s funny about this is — he will fight. The fight isn’t going to happen until the morning. Which is funny, since that means the vampires are literally coming from Seattle to Forks all night. How dumb.
Well, they’re not taking a cab, if that’s what you mean. I’m also really interested in why the town is called Forks. Cause that’s a real town. So at some point, pioneers must’ve showed up and named it. And I have no idea how that possibly could have led to the name ‘Forks.’ “Well, here we are! Seems like a good place to settle down. Let’s crack open these crates and take inventory. Wow, that’s a buttload of forks. Say…”
I was saying — how dumb that the plot made it seem like he was deliberately not fighting, meanwhile Seattle is like, right outside of Forks, and they can all get there in like, two hours. So the plot deliberately slows their progress down just so Jacob can have that and still fight. That’s what’s hilarious.
But on the other hand — where did they all gather? Was there a call time? How did they all know to gather at the lumber yard? How was this all coordinated? It seems like it’s been chaos the whole time, with the burning cars and shit. How did they all get riled up into a single mob? What were they told? Why are they going along with this? Do you guys smell toast?
Boy I bet you wish you brought a shirt now.
That’s cool. She gets to chill at the top of this mountain in a tent while the battle goes on below? I like that. I’d chill up here.
The storm’s coming, so they will… chill, up here.
She’s freezing, he can’t do shit.
Well, actually… he could do something…
Oh, she’s cold. Is Jacob here to warm her up? No? Just cold-ass Edward?
“I can’t sleep with all that teeth-chattering going on.”
Pretty sure you don’t have super hearing and he does.
Pretty sure you’re just using that as an excuse to get in this tent.
He does have the super hearing, and he does sleep, unlike Edward. But we’re still pretty sure he’s just using that as an excuse.
A ha ha. She’s gonna use him for warmth. She totally is.
Called it. Jacob comes in to spoon her back to life.
“Spoon up against me, so that way we don’t have to sleep with our heads in the mud.”
That was a comment where, for the first time in a great while, I closed my eyes and said, “Oh NOOOO.”
One of my great joys in life is eliciting this response from Colin.
It’s how I know I’ve really done a good job.
“She may need her toes someday.”
Game, set, match.
“And let’s face it. I am hotter than you.”
Well all right, buddy. Let’s not get carried away with ourselves.
I know it’s a play on words, but come on, now.
This’ll end well.
Too bad there’s no Edward Albee dialogue. Then it would really be Who’s Afraid of the Virgin… Wolf.
She says, freezing to death.
Remember last scene? “You’re not gonna fight?”
She only wants you to fight what’s convenient for her.
I hate her.
Not even blue shit will help.
There’s another tagline for this franchise.
“Jesus, Bella, you’re freezing.”
WELL FUCKING REALLY
“You’ll warm up soon. Faster if you took your clothes off.”
This is fucked up. True, it would go faster if she took her clothes off. But that’s fucked up and I don’t like Jacob, so we’ll skip it.
A porno called Clothes/Off.
I am the man with all the good ideas.
And I am the man who drinks while he comes up with them.
I’ll drink to that.
Weren’t they supposed to be camping in this ANYWAY? That was their alibi? Shouldn’t Charlie be worried and looking for them, or something?
No joke, I’d have been much more interested in this movie if this happened for half of it. Go Deathly Hallows 1 on it. Have just the three of them for a lot of the movie and actually develop character and relationships, and bring this love triangle to the climax it probably should have, considering how important it’s supposed to be.
Wouldn’t you want to see this love triangle develop while they were… scalene, a mountain?
Any chance of salvaging this movie is long poly-gone.
Isosceles what you did there.
This wasn’t one of the film titles.
Can we send her away on an ice floe? That would be so great.
He’s thinking about warming up the inside of that doody hole.
“Can you at least attempt to control your thoughts?”
Right, he can just sense everything Jacob’s thinking. Jacob thinks stuff? Also, if Jacob senses everything the pack does, does that mean that Edward can sense everything the pack does right now too? As long as he’s within range of one of them?
Logic, motherfucker, do you use it?
(Is there a gif of that? There should be. We’d use the fuck out of that gif.)
“I really get under that ice cold skin of yours, don’t I? Are you doubting her feelings for you?”
This is almost interesting. The two of them having a civil conversation while she’s there, but asleep. The part that ruins it is that they’re talking straight up logistics and relationship shit. They should be talking about nothing in particular. Random shit. Maybe even make it look like they could be friends under different circumstances. That’d be more interesting. And you get to draw what conclusions you will. But no, this franchise spells everything out for you in black and white. Or I guess red and white, in this case.
I like that we’re both casually suggesting things that would make this movie better. Like, not even a little better. A lot better.
It’s good being an armchair producer. I like being an armchair anything. But honestly, give us some creative control on an awful franchise, and it’ll be…less awful.
“I know she’s in love with you.”
As in, “That was my intention.”
“But she’s in love with me too.”
Oh, would you look at that. They tried to take my advice about the potential friends thing, while still spelling everything out in extremely blatant terms. Nope, still dislike it.
Maybe this’ll end like Y Tu Mama Tambien.
That’d be perfect. They end things awkwardly, she dies. And maybe when they’re done with their coffee, Edward whispers a, “Jacob, I swear…”
That also took place in a tent.
But that movie title really should have been one of Connery’s answers to a Spanish-related question on Celebrity Jeopardy.
Jacob wants to know if Edward will try to kill him if she chooses him instead.
“That’s an intriguing idea.”
Best reaction in the film.
Yes, Edward. Smile at that. Cause boys are icky and we don’t like other boys no matter what.
He even tells him that he had no desire to ever turn Bella into a vampire.
She’d have to change her last name to Lugosi.
Jacob says he didn’t try hard enough to leave her alone. Six more months, he’d have had that deal closed, son. He had that pussy on layaway and was making ALL the payments.
How much is a pussy payment?
For Bella? A dreamcatcher, two lip bites and a shirt bandage.
Shit, even I can afford that. For an insufferable cocktease, she’s pretty easy.
“You have to consider that I might be better for her than you are.”
“I have considered that. You can protect her. And you can give her a life – a human life. That’s all I want from her.”
Well, that’s that solved! End of movie!
Bullshit. Remember when you couldn’t stay away from her? You’re a flip-flopping little fuck, Edward.
Pretty sure that’s the line Bush used on Kerry at the second presidential debate in 2004.
“When you thought she was gone – that you’d lost her – how did you cope?”
“South American hookers.”
“This might sound odd, but
seven I’m glad you’re here.”
“Meaning, ‘As much as I’d like to kill you, I’m glad she’s warm.’”
“If we weren’t natural enemies, and you weren’t trying to steal my only reason for existing, I might actually like you.”
Why are they natural enemies? I feel like there’s nothing natural about the reason they’re enemies.
“Well, if you weren’t planning on sucking the life out of the girl I love, I might – no, not even then.”
How do you sleep through an entire conversation like this?
Oh, I get it. She isn’t.
Agh. Right. So she’s awake, listening to them. You know that under other circumstances, Edward would know she was awake. Her breathing or her heartbeat would totally give it away.
But this is this franchise. “I can’t read you” pretty much gives them license to define it however they want, because to them, that’s as complex as it’s gonna get.
Nearly every one of those franchises has one of those. Like the Force. Where you ask a perfectly logical question, and the writer and the fans get to answer you with a single word that explains away anything. Religion, which is sort of the original franchise, also does this.
“She could still change her mind, you know.”
“Then I’d let her go.”
Really? That came out of nowhere.
That was quite the total… eclipse, of the heart.
So is this the moment she decides he’s really the one? Or is she now rethinking this? Or is this moment completely pointless, because we already know her decision from movie number one?
This is a trick question.
What should have happened here (and again, I’m talking the movie. I have no idea, nor do I care, what happens in the book) is that Edward should act differently and Jacob should legitimately seem (at least to her) as a solid choice. And she should be torn between the two of them, until this scene.
But of course, this movie is shit, so that’s impossible. But I do actually see potential for them to squeeze some fucking use out of the material. It’s amazing to me how much they fucked this up, past the inherent shittiness.
This would have been a great franchise for them to stray quite a lot from the books. Have them redo just about everything, and come up with something worth watching. But you have to figure that as they continued with the series, they actually got more faithful to the books because of the success and because Stephenie Meyer came on as a producer by the fourth film.
And you know what? I’m gonna make Shiho and Jake very happy here when I say — I enjoy the last two movies better than I do the first three. So maybe there’s something to that.
See, I want to to disagree, because I REALLY dislike the fourth film, but it still might compare favorably with this. But this is Final Thoughts stuff.
That’s what the “storm” amounted to? Some cold all night? That’s called BEING ON A MOUNTAIN.
Still keeping my fingers crossed for wolf rape in this franchise.
(Fingers Crossed for Wolf Rape)
Doesn’t she have a coat? Her dad let her go camping in this without a coat?
Why is all the foliage still green?
She apologizes for last night. He says it “definitely won’t make his list of top ten favorite evenings.”
He has a list of top 10 favorite evenings? I’d love to hear that.
“You have a list?”
This is correct. As a sarcastic prick, I approve of this line.
“You have a list?” Wow.
“All ten I spent with you.”
“Number one is when you said you’d marry me.”
And you lost it.
LOOK AT HOW HIS NECK LOOKS!
“You’re marrying him?”
“You knew he was listening.”
“He deserves to know.”
Hah. That’s fucked up. I’m glad he did that.
Yes, she’s caught in her lie and is in danger of losing the guy that she’s hoping to string along for as long as possible. And that makes Edward the bad guy. Shoot her. Shoot her with a crossbow.
Aww… don’t run away Jacob.
He’s just being a sore… lupus.
I don’t get why she goes after him, though.. What’s gonna change?
(Also, this looks so much like a soundstage and a backdrop, and that makes me happy.)
When it comes to things in movies that make Mike happy, it’s real… simple, Jack.
Also, he can run away a lot faster than that. If he wanted to GO, he’d GO. But he’s walking so you can catch up to him.
He’s mad. He’s so pissed he wants to spit.
Hugo’s gonna go tell Karl to load Jacob’s elephant gun with buckshot.
That line is just a gift that keeps on giving.
That man is just a gift that keeps on giving.
Whoever decided to slow him down needs to be commended.
“I’m done. I’m so done.”
Shit Italian Moms Say.
“What can I do?”
“You can’t do anything. I can. By going out and killing something.”
Shit Italian Moms Say.
“You’re not thinking clearly. Don’t do that!”
“Or maybe I’ll get myself killed and make it easy for you.”
“No — Jake — stay.”
That’s pretty condescending. Telling someone who is part dog to stay.
She’s really just stringing this guy along. I don’t like him, but nobody deserves to get led on by an insufferable female like this.
I also like how he’s doing the same bullshit she did in the first movie. “I bet it’d be so much easier if you just let me die.”
I really do hope she dies.
Not vampire die. Princess Di.
“Why? Give me one good reason.”
“Because I don’t wanna lose you.”
That deserves tears?
Not exactly Gandalf dying, is it?
Of course her one reason is about her.
“That’s good… but it ain’t ENOUGH!”
“Because you’re too important to me.”
“That’s still not good enough.”
Honestly, he’s completely in the right here. Why he’s only doing this now is beyond me, but why the fuck should these empty (religious) platitudes be enough?
I actually heard some legit emotion in her voice here.
Pretty fitting that she’s not on camera when this line happens.
This really looks like rear projection.
It does, but it’s probably just shitty focus.
Though, when it comes to yelling, we all know that you should never… cry wolf.
That’s gonna get him to stay? Wouldn’t kissing her only make him more upset at what he isn’t going to get?
You’re the worst person in the world. I fucking hate this bitch.
You’ve already accepted Edward’s marriage proposal. You’re ENGAGED. You’re now asking another dude to kiss you because you want to keep that option floating without actually giving him ANYTHING. I’m really not sure I can hate or disapprove of this character more than I already do. But this franchise is full of surprises. Bella Swan might actually end up being my most hated fictional character ever.
That’s a short list. Pretty sure all he’s got on it are Bella Swan, the kid from Shane and the Pale Man.
“I’m asking you to kiss me.”
It’s hilarious to me that he breathes with his mouth open.
Also — Kuleshov Effect. He could be staring at bacon right now and you’d never know the difference.
Ain’t got to tell him twice.
Though I don’t get why he walks up to her, then stops right there so they can cut to close up. Wouldn’t you just do it? Why do you need to prepare?
Gotta let her stew. Art.
By the way, not okay.
Oh, he’s goin’ in again!
You just accepted a fucking marriage proposal, and now you’re kissing this other dude like the antidote’s under his tongue. This is just as bad as Anakin giving up Palpatine to Windu and then aiding in Palpatine’s murder of Windu like 10 minutes later.
Not to mention the fact that the make-out scenes are like, identical.
“That should have been our first kiss.”
He was about to r-u-n-n-o-f-t and possibly die because she’s marrying Edward, and now he’s back from the brink because she KISSED him? She’s still marrying Edward. He shouldn’t think that this hollow gesture means he still has a shot. I hate it when girls get away with this. “If you do this for me, I’ll KISS you!” Like it’s a big deal. You know how easy it is to kiss someone? She might as well be saying, “Don’t kill yourself, Jacob! Here’s an Almond Joy.” And that’s how this plot continues.
And That’s How This Plot Continues.
What a fucking bitch.
“I gotta go.”
Now she’s all sorts of confused.
She was ready to fuck Edward the night before last! Although, Edward — if you’d gone through with that, we probably wouldn’t be having this problem now.
Everyone Die in a Fire
This is actually a nice cut. Two completely different locations, but the cut makes it as if he’s right there, watching the whole thing. Which is what this moment needs.
So, actually — good job, editor.
Walk of shame.
Well fucking really.
“No, but Jacob’s thoughts are pretty loud.”
“I don’t know what happened.”
“You love him.”
“I love you more.”
Don’t trust this bitch. Throw her to Victoria and be done with it.
Amazing how easily this can be solved by just saying, “Yes, I love him, but not the same way.” How about EXPLAINING shit instead of not finishing your sentences?
Isn’t that just like a Mormon, bringing a knife to a gun fight making polygamy seem feasible.
“Hey guys, what’s goin’ on?”
He has to narrate the wolf’s thoughts like Legolas.
The fight’s starting.
Bouncy, bouncy, jiggly jiggly.
Are they seriously running past her blood SMEARED on a tree? That doesn’t seem like subterfuge at ALL.
They’re wearing gym clothes to a fight.
I guess that’s what you do.
Emmett’s standing there like the bro that he is, doing his best to ooze intimidation and look like he’s about to run train on something.
I like how we both hate the exact same things: bros, CSS, China, the South, and Bella Swan.
Among others, but those are the ones that immediately leap to mind.
Man, all those things.
That’s great. You can see them flying through the trees, and one of them has a beanie on. They’re totally just random young people who got bitten on their way out of a coffee house. It is Seattle, after all.
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU RUNNING? Run the other way!
All he told you was to “try not to get killed.” You’re RUNNING TO GET KILLED!
Alice is ready. She’s been killing bitches all her motherfuckin’ life.
I think his liver is failing.
Did Jasper just punch someone’s head off? Cause if so, I partially forgive him for being from the South.
So… do the bodies just stay there? Can someone just find a body sitting there with a crystalized, missing head?
Or do they have to burn them all when this is over?
I’m picturing the Cullens standing at a burning pile of bodies, as Clair de Lune plays, and they slowly walk away from it, one by one, like Ocean’s Eleven.
Like a fucking tackling dummy.
Also, I like that this doesn’t immediately kill him. It just knocks him squarely on his ass and makes him think about his choices.
Also — isn’t it convenient that they all have super speed but are fighting slowly so we can see it?
My, that was considerate.
Just killing people left and right.
That was pretty great. Pull her in a sleeper hold, snap her neck and rip her fucking face off.
They really did just get randos from off the street, didn’t they? Look at this one on the right. The only thing she’s doing any damage to is a buffet.
I actually like the she only defensively fights most of the time. It fits her character.
You’s are FUCKED!
I like when people are knocked over like bowling balls.
Look at this fucking shot.
Victoria seems upset. But I’m sure she’s ready for some shit like this. It’s a diversion, no? She looks like Saruman during the Ent attack.
Aren’t they supposed to be at their most powerful right now? Apparently power doesn’t matter. It’s like Jet Li versus a hulking wrestler.
Yeah, I’d be peacing too.
Oh yeah. She’s just standing there. This is the diversion, and now she’s going to go find Bella and Edward. Can I shut the movie off now?
Jacob just tagged in hot.
My favorite is that during all this, they cut back to Jacob and Bella, and Jacob is doing color commentary like — “Jacob just got there. He fights pretty well.”
“He’s good.” Is that a report that he’s doing okay, or is that an acknowledgement that he runs his shit?
I also want to point out that in his sentence above, Mike mixed up Edward and Jacob’s names twice. I’m not correcting it because would you look at this, people? It’s enough keeping track of Becca or whatever her name is. Then they give us two guys we need to keep track of? Too much.
Keep in mind – this all started because of a baseball game.
I love the way they’re killing these fuckers. I mean, it seems kind of easy, but still…
What…um….what’s on his forehead?
Yeah, I had that question too. It’s either residue from the previous vampire or, more likely, he fucked up part of his head temporarily when he headbutted that one. Because in the last film, Edward’s forehead and face got like that in that Volturi fight, and it just went back to normal. They just don’t ever define what the fuck that is and why or how it’s reversible. Makes no sense at all.
That’s weird, that it gets a little messed up and then returns to normal. I guess it’s like the Casino Royale titles, where they’re fighting and when they get punched, the suits that form their bodies get a little separated.
Oh, this’ll end well.
Better than I thought.
Caught in midair by a wolf. Good business.
PULL A ROAD HOUSE!
Or choke slam her.
PULL A ROAD HOUSE!
Or decapitate him.
I told you she a freak.
Alice just did WORK.
This little chick is hiding cause now that she’s been turned into a vampire she’s even more of a little bitch than she was in life.
What’s with all the knit caps? I have trouble taking you serious with that much wool on your head.
The suddenness with which this happens is hilarious. He just fucking punches her in the face out of nowhere.
Goddamn, Jasper. You got the moves.
Maroon 5 – Moves Like Jasper
Christina Aguilera actually reminds me a bit of a vampire.
You know the similarity between Maroon 5 and vampires?
They both suck.
Be sure to tip your waitress.
They’re like bobbleheads makes of sparkle.
Fucking CARLISLE just ENDED this Asian chick!
Looks like Carlisle gave that chick the kung… pow.
DON’T YOU CHASE ALICE!
There’s shit happening in this fight. Jasper just ripped a dude’s arms off cause he got too close to Alice. And yet, still surprisingly anti-climactic.
Emmett’s buddies with the fuzzy.
You ready? You ready?
Are they gonna capture this one and keep her in a cage? Oh, please do that.
We’ll keep everyone in “suspense,” since this is where we’ll END PART IV.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part V, and hopefully a bullet.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)