Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Part I — “‘In My Moment of Weakness, I Was Batman'”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Breaking Dawn Part 1, Part I.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the first part of Breaking Dawn Part 1:
I saw a porno called Breaking Dawn once.
Can we talk about how big a fan I am of these specialized logos they got going on?
Double title card here, too.
There’s still two movies left. I’m hoping and hoping that this will be somewhat better than the first three. It has to be, right?
Famous last words.
Like Socrates. “I drank what?”
They have three times as much money as they did for the first film. They’ve made mistakes that can easily be rectified. Isn’t she gonna be a vampire in this one? That could lead to something…interesting(?) or at least, something different. Let’s not forget that the first film sucked monkey balls, the second film was a remake with Jacob, and the third added absolutely nothing new to the equation, but instead decided to finally wrap up the plot/sub-plot (I really can’t decide which) that began with a vampire baseball game. So this has to be better, right?
I’m going to try to forget that this film was nominated for 8 Razzies and only lost because it was up against Jack and Jill, which set new records for badness. I’m trying to be optimistic about this. We’re a captive audience.
Let’s not forget — Jack and Jill — #2 on my Unforgivables list that year.
Wouldn’t you know, it’s raining.
“Childhood is not rebirth to a certain age.”
In a rape trial it sure is. R Kelly should have pissed on Kristen Stewart, cause she sounds cool with the idea.
This is this franchise’s version of the title scroll.
We just tear the opening voiceover apart.
And at a certain age, the child is grown and puts away childish things. Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.”
Does the child also put away her childish voiceover?
This line annoys me, because it reminds me of a line that, I believe, is quoted from the Bible, that is the last line of Elmer Gantry. And I hate that they reminded me of a better movie.
Also, “Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies”? Try THE HOLOCAUST.
I think we need to show this bitch Grave of the Fireflies.
This is a shitty house. I bet this is Jacob’s house. They need to make it look extra shitty, so we get weights on the roof to hold a tarp down. I know this is Jacob’s house, I ain’t even gotta look.
Oh, see — some children die. Someone should tell her.
Also, called it!
Isn’t it funny when someone storms down a handicapped ramp?
You think he’s going to bring some grain and firewood to Atticus for help with the entailment?
Yes, throw down the thing. I always find it amusing when people throw shit on the ground out of anger. I can’t remember when I’ve ever done that. At least if you’re going to, do it when you’re in the house.
At least he didn’t throw his shirt on the ground in anger.
And there’s the whale.
Well jesus that was quick.
Oh, there are all sorts of comedic possibilities for this.
Now your dad has to chase you outside into the rain and he RUSTS.
Why can’t there be a deleted scene of Charlie coming over to hang out and finding him right on that ramp, muttering, “O-i-l-c–n!”?
Is this what being a tween werewolf is like?
A HA HA. Tween Wolf.
Crippled people picking things up off the floor.
They middle named him after a basketball player?
I like how this shot is set up with the beer. We already know it’s Charlie. Shitty house, Jacob. Rainer beer can, Charlie. Fingers down my throat, Colin.
Also, am I the only one getting weird Harry Potter vibes from this invitation? “Saturday, the Thirteenth of August Two Thousand and Eleven Five O’Clock in the Evening”…why don’t you throw in a “Cupboard Under the Stairs?”
Because Bella hasn’t let anyone in her cupboard under the stairs yet.
So did they ever tell him?
Because I feel like that would be a big scene, emotionally, for this franchise.
Pretty fitting that they just gloss over it.
So Charlie’s looking at this and has nothing to say about it. Clearly he’s bummed, but he’s not doing anything to talk her out of it, apparently. I assume this isn’t the first he’s heard of it. They must have told him like they said they were gonna. Is the wedding happening at the end of the movie? Cause you usually send out wedding invitations a lot earlier than this seems to be. Isn’t it already summer? And the wedding’s in August? Anyway, Charlie’s not thrilled cause his 18 year old daughter is getting married. Cause that’s a thing.
Why is there extra flannel in this scene?
Is he pretending she’s there with him or something?
There’s really a limit on how much flannel I can handle at once.
Watch Mom be super excited and use it as an excuse to fuck her minor leaguer.
I enjoy that we never see that dude’s face on camera ever.
HOLY SHIT I CALLED THAT DID I NOT CALL THAT
The stepdad even cocked his head a little, like, “Quickie?”
So what exactly is this movie gonna be about? The major “threat” or whatever the fuck it was got eliminated last movie.
Damn, Washington. That looks just like the Quinault River that I used to fish on with my dad. Son of a bitch. I just looked it up, and Forks is in the same county as the Olympic National Forest, which is where I used to go fishing. There’s a chance this is ACTUALLY a spot where I went fishing. In this movie. Hooray.
She’s in heels. I like heels. Not these heels.
I don’t like heels.
I am a practical being by design. I see heels and go, “Why would you want to wear something that makes walking harder?” I know it’s supposed to make your ass look better, but I’d actually spend more time thinking about why you’d do that to yourself than looking at your ass.
Sup, Alice? I like yo legs.
“You just have to break them in.”
Alice cut her hair. Now she looks vaguely like Anne Hathaway.
“I’ve been breaking them in. For three days.”
She just reminded me of Joan Crawford and I got really freaked out.
Because Joan Crawford post-1950 is terrifying.
She thinks this is all too much.
Alice does seem to be overacting this a bit, though.
Maybe that’s why you’re seeing Hathaway.
What’re they building, Rivendell?
“Where do you want this, boss?”
I like them all carrying heavy shit, though.
“On either side of the asile.”
“Does no one have vision?!”
Ha ha. She’s the David O. Selznick of vampire weddings.
She’s actually a year older than Selznick. And I like to think she’d have supported the Roosevelt-Truman ticket. But the other stuff…yeah.
I like walls full of bookshelves.
The trick is to populate them. I like walls full of bookshelves full of books. You ever go to someone’s house and see their room with bookshelves like this? And almost every time, i’ll have empty shelves, cause nobody has the books to cover the shelves. Maybe they have back issues of Hustler or something, but nothing they’d want to show off in public. I believe that the Cullens would have the time and wherewithal to buy all these books and actually read them. Which — can they speed read?
Play your silly games. I stare into the darkness, for I am evil.
Oh, wait… wrong franchise.
Haven’t done one of those in a while.
It’s gonna be weird when we write “OPTIMUS!” and it’s actually appropriate.
You know that in that moment, I’m actually gonna write, “Miii-ike!”
Please, Kristen, control your emotions.
Subtitle for the franchise.
Now she’s giving her orders. This is great.
“That’s an order.”
No… orders don’t work when you hug the person afterwards.
Unless it’s a scary hug. I know some Japanese women who will smile at you and laugh as they tell you to do something, and might even give you a hug at some point, but I head off to do whatever they just told me to do because I fear for my fucking life. Some of them just have that power.
Bitches be clazy.
I’m a sucker for that little bounce thing.
She’s probably a freak, too.
Still my favorite character.
If they had done this with anyone but Alice, I’d have complained. Why are they lingering on her? And why does she then make the face that goes with, “I’m gonna get fucked?” That little, “Hm!” face at the end here.
Because she is gonna get fucked.
Not as a result of this, though. They certainly don’t need the wedding as an excuse to fuck, so this seems unrelated. I’d have liked this better if they’d held on her as she reset herself with that, “Now what was I just thinking about…?” face, and then it could dawn on her. “Right! I’m gonna get fucked! Hm!” I’d love to see that process play out, cause a decent actress could pull it off perfectly.
Are you really planning on moving out that quickly? At least have the fucking wedding first.
What a nice way to thank your father for housing you these last three years (Christ… it’s only been three years of real time), by moving the fuck out at a moment’s notice and becoming one of the undead.
Well that’s a shitty painting.
It turns out that the Dorian Gray portrait of Bella that was hiding behind her lamp all this time threatening to kill me was of a dog. And Colin lives to sigh another day.
Holy shit what a great subtitle for the first movie. Sigh Another Day.
You Only Die Twice.
From Forks with Love.
This is like when I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning January 5, 2012 (I remember the date?) to come up with the Pokemon versions of all the Bond movie titles. Game Corner Royale and Tomorrow Never Faints. OHMSS Anne. Shit like that.
Yes, I am single. Why do you ask?
I like how that’s become a visual metaphor for him.
And by like, I mean I am a very sarcastic individual.
Yeah, look at that dreamcatcher and remember how you were inconsiderate to an underprivileged boy from a dwindling ethnic minority. Don’t forget to sigh. Just kidding, you guys. Kristen Stewart never forgets to sigh.
You think he ever put his dick through that?
Looks like her room just farted in her hair.
And he just shows up.
Oh, or someone came through the window. That was another strong possibility. The fart would have been nice though. “Something to remember me by.”
Another situation where Edward farted on Jacob’s dreams.
“I was checking on cold feet.”
You always have cold feet. You’re dead.
He’s checking for cold feet. Is she gonna make a joke about this? Cause he’s the one with cold feet. Literally. I could write this.
“Mine are toasty warm.”
Like, on fire?
As in Everyone Die in a Fire?
Also, somewhere, Quentin Tarantino just came in his pants.
I feel like that’s what happens every time a bell says the N-word in one of its own movies.
It’s a Wonderful N-Word.
“It’s not too late to change your mind.”
“What, now you’re having second thoughts?”
He should be on seventh thoughts by now. Not that it should have ever progressed past no thoughts.
“Who me? What? No!”
I blame you for wanting to marry this thing in the first place.
“I’ve been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan.”
Also, no you haven’t. You’ve been waiting a century to marry somebody. Don’t pretend like this is divine intervention.
For those of you who weren’t paying attention to the last few films (for which you are forgiven, and indeed, commended), this is the dynamic that we’re still working on. “I love you more than my life and I want to marry you.” “I love you more than MY life, which is why I want you to change me and then marry me.” “So we both want this. Let’s talk about all the reasons why it’s a bad idea.” That’s literally what’s been going on for the past 1.5 movies or so. And to this, I have only one response.
At this point, I really want to see the alternative play out.
Because you know what would happen? She’d get old and die, and he’d go, “Well I fucked up,” and credits.
Butt? Butt? Yeah, Kristen, you need some more. Is what he’s trying to say.
“I haven’t told you everything about myself.”
Oh man. This is gonna be good.
He’s into the group thing.
He’s a Republican.
What if that were the case? You don’t want to mix genes with something that disagrees with you,
Oh, so we’re going to get some secrets. Oooh. What about his past?
“What? You’re not a virgin?”
I don’t like seeing her with expression in her face. It’s creepy.
This is the proper reaction to, “You’re not a virgin?”
This is also the correct reaction.
She HAD to ask if it was about his virginity and make it a joke. And he HAD to laugh it off and leave it ambiguous because he has to be a 110 year old virgin. He laughs pretty hard and then DOESN’T say anything. Which is the only way he could reasonably pull that off without being WAY more awkward. But fuck you, Meyer. Murder’s cool, premarital sex is completely unacceptable. Right.
She still want it.
Why does she move over to the other side of the bed like this? What the hell is that?
“A few years after Carlisle created me, I rebelled against him. I resented him for curbing my appetite. So for a while, I went out on my own.”
YEAH BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN! What up, Elsa Lanchester?
I haven’t seen it yet, but I still recognize Bride of Frankenstein. I like that they did this. Cause that’s what this movie is, no? Or at least, what it’s trying to be? So here’s Edward watching this movie in the theaters as a reference to what he’s going to go through later on. Of course, nobody who saw this movie got this, but I know Mike did and has something to say about it. I’m still trying to stay optimistic, so this is good.
Honestly, I bet they didn’t even think about it that far. I bet they went, “We have to flash back to the 30s. What was in the 30s? Oh, Frankenstein. They’re gonna get married. So let’s make it Bride of Frankenstein.” You know they don’t have any idea what actually happened in that movie. There’s no way they really understand the actual themes that are in that movie. Because Doctor Pretorious — well, we’ll just leave it at that.
Actually, wait a minute… Bill Condon directed this movie. That does make a bit of sense that he’d go there.
Still, something tells me the decision was more about “Oh my god, Bella is the Bride of Frankenstein!” more than anything else. I’d be really surprised (and elated) to think that Bill Condon put this in there because of the other… underlying themes of that movie.
And I’m not even thinking about the fact that he made Gods and Monsters.
By the way, anyone who has actually seen and liked these movies has no idea what I’m talking about right now.
And that amuses me.
It’s good that I can recognize shit and then let Mike go. Didn’t even have to say “Sic ’em.”
Remember the 30s? Man, those were the days. Movie theaters looked nice.
I want to go to a movie theater like this. But there can’t be nice things in the world anymore. That’s just what it is.
This is why I need to get rich. Because I’d build one of these.
That’s really all I want out of life. The ability to open my own theater and just play shit for people to show up to. I legit want to be 70 years old and just show movies for people every day.
And people won’t get it. “What’s the catch? Are you gonna brainwash us? Is it Mormon propaganda? Smell ya later, Gramps!” (My version of “people” are Gary Oak.)
And then there’s the Hollywood version of your scenario that plays out like a cross between Cinema Paradiso and Finding Forrester, where there’s a black kid mixed up in some dicey stuff and you help him learn about film in your theater that most people stay away from. And the day he finds out he got into film school on a full scholarship, some of the gang members that resent his achievement come to burn the place down. And you save his life, but die in the process, leaving him the original reel of whatever movie you two had watched and fought about, which was safe in your apartment. And afterwards they discover you had cancer the whole time, which didn’t end up being a factor because the fire took care of you, but it WOULD have been a factor like Sean Bean and the AIDS before the battle took care of him.
Honestly they’ll probably just find me in the projection booth with my dick in my hand and half a sandwich sitting on a film reel.
That’s the NORTH Hollywood version of my story.
That chick’s gonna get reamed later by that guy.
Whenever people use that term, I imagine some guy beating a woman senseless with a stack of paper.
What else did you think I meant?
It looked for a second like that person behind him hand their hand on his dick, but that’s two separate people.a
Oh, this bitch is fucked.
Damn, gurl, you got a nice wiggle.
She gonna get some fang in her titties?
Oh, psych! It’s not Edward, just a regular ass rapist!
RAPE THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!
Ew, he’s doing it to a dude? Oh, the dude was being rape-y? I guess they got me. I didn’t catch this guy’s rapiness cause I thought Edward was the rape-y one here. Classic misdirection. Well done. But still gross. You’ve got your mouth on a dude’s neck.
So I guess this is how he rebels? Goes off and bites a few dudes for a while?
Please don’t make him wear that hat ever again.
That was quick. Wasn’t there more to drink?
Said Mike, at every place he’s ever been to.
Shit, more things in black and white.
This looks great.
Black and white does solve things. I bet dogs would be great cinematographers. Most people don’t know that Rin Tin Tin was trying to make the transition when he died.
“All of the men I killed were monsters.”
Of course he limited himself to killing bad guys. We couldn’t have any REAL weakness. Basically what he’s saying is — in my moment of weakness, I was Batman, ridding the city of evil. Fuck you.
A HA HA. That’s amazing.
“In My Moment of Weakness, I Was Batman”
But also yes. Seriously, Meyer. Fuck you.
“So was I.”
Vampires don’t look good in period clothes.
“Edward, they were all murderers.”
What do you know about it, Skeet Face?
Love is a powerful thing. “What? No, that wasn’t murder. They all killed people and shit. So you were actually saving more people this way.”
I like how you have to keep him pure like that, because god forbid he kill innocents.
That’s the problem, though, since Meyer is writing it. God DOES forbid that he kill innocents.
What if God was Team Jacob?
“Bella, that’s what I told myself.”
Oh, well this just got interesting.
“But they were all human beings.”
Oh, never mind. He’s just a pussy.
I hate it when this happens. “I did all this horrible shit! I mean, here’s why it’s totally acceptable that I did that, but…” “Don’t beat yourself up! It’s totally acceptable that you did that because of that shit you just said!” Fuck you.
“I looked into their eyes when they died and saw who I was. And what I was capable of.”
“And what I’ll be capable of.”
He told her because he figured it would help her change her mind about herself.
We’re still on the same conversation. This is still happening. “I want you to change me. You’re not going to change how I think about you.” “Bitch, this is all about YOU and YOUR shit, not me and MINE but also a little about me and mine.”
“I know I can do this.”
“Let me tell you why.”
Please do. I would LOVE to hear this.
I CANNOT BELIEVE WE’RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT. This is how I feel during October of an election year. Do we really need to hear about how Governor Romney is an accomplished businessman with a commitment to family values? And even that was less overtly Mormon.
“Because you did.”
“You should give yourself some credit for that.”
What? Murdering people?
“Hopefully I’m gonna look in the mirror a year from now and see someone like you.”
Isn’t the deal that you won’t see anyone in the mirror a year from now?
Hopefully in a year from now, she’ll look in the mirror and see someone like him? A pale, white man?
“A person capable of courage, and sacrifice, and love.”
Can… can you not see that now?
Cause those aren’t things that Bella has been portrayed as being capable of. Like when she mustered up the courage to sacrifice herself for her mother’s life, or all the times she said she loved Edward. I think she’s just talking out her ass. Like a dialogue fart.
I’ve not once seen Bella capable of courage or sacrifice. Everything she has done has been completely selfish in every way.
The mother thing was just stupidity.
There’s gonna be a bachelor party.
Oh. There’s a bachelor party. What do you wanna bet there’s nothing fun at it? I bet they go bowling or some shit. Like vampire bowling.
“So, this party? Will there be strippers?”
Will there be blood?
YOU’RE FORGETTING BLOW. STRIPPERS AND BLOW. The cornerstone of any
nutritious breakfastworthwhile bachelor party.
This is the proper reaction.
“No, just a couple of mountain lions. Maybe a few bears.”
Wait wait wait wait wait. Mountain lions and bears? What, are they going off in the woods to fuck the wildlife? How are we supposed to read this? I’m so lost right now. Does anyone else smell toast?
”Don’t worry, Bella, we’ll get back in plenty of time.”
He looks drunk already. This motherfucker was pregaming this shit. Go Jasper!
A Southerner should know how to throw a real bachelor party. Besides, these guys have both been married for more than half a century. You’d think they’d WANT the excuse to go see some strippers or whatever. They’re still attracted to regular human girls, anyway.
It’s still hilarious to me how religion-based this franchise is. All other — most other — vampire franchises allow humans to be bit without too much effect. You can just drink from humans and not turn them. But here — one bite — you’re turned. That’s it. It’s like that fucking virginity thing she has. I was gonna say how you know strippers in this universe are regularly used for vampire feeding, but goddamn Stephenie Meyer has it so that if you even get scratched by a vampire fang, you get turned. You know she’s the kind of person who assumes unprotected sex will lead to AIDS on the first time, and one time doing drugs will leave you addicted or kill you.
God, she gives Mormons a bad name.
The worst is that she came out a few days (or weeks, or whatever it was at this point) ago and said something stupid about 50 Shades of Grey and how she won’t read it because she prefers a more “innocent” world or some stupid shit. At least attack it for being a shitty book, and not for religious reasons.
I really dislike this woman.
Why ain’t you having a bachelorette party?
I wanna see Alice get you some crazy dildo or something.
Actually, yeah. Why ISN’T she having a bachelorette party? I guess cause she can’t go do what the guys are going to do, and they couldn’t think to put any REAL questionable content in the readers’ minds.
Plus, wouldn’t a bachelor party with Alice, Esme, Rosalie, and Anna Kendricks and that other chick have been fascinating?
We really do make everything better.
And we’re not even really trying to. We’re just trying to make it better for us. And we’re making it better for everybody.
“I’ll meet you at the altar.”
I was gonna say how stupid that line was, but it gave me a great idea for a screwball comedy.
“I’ll be the one in white.”
And I’ll be the one in an alcohol-induced coma.
“That was very convincing.”
That’s because I was serious.
I like how he calls her out for her shitty, emotionless acting, and her response is to finally fucking smile.
How many takes do you think it took to get this out of her?
Are there outtakes of them showing her how to smile and her fucking it up? Just making all these stupid faces because that’s what she thinks smiling is?
“Ahahahha!” [Rough-housing noises], they disappear. Well done.
Are you seriously going to bed?
She has Christmas lights up just like Mike used to in college! TWINS!
Man, you’re not interesting.
(Mike note, after the fact: We should already know this is a dream by the fact that she doesn’t trip and break her fucking ankle right here.)
(All of my post-seeing this for the first time notes for this sequence will happen in parenthetical, so as not to take away from the enjoyment of seeing my original reaction as well.)
(This would be a normal dream, thinking you’re walking down the aisle naked.)
What kind of fucking wedding is this?
Is this a dream, or is literally everyone wearing white? Even glasses chick has white glasses. I’m assuming this is a dream cause there are rose petals falling from the sky and no group outside North Korea ever color coordinates this well.
I hope none of you are bleeding.
Look at that Asian woman!
(That’s how you know this is a dream — Asian people? They don’t exist in this universe. Not really.)
FUCK! Why’d you have to show his face? It would have been so much better if you didn’t show it.
Shouldn’t Charlie be walking her? Isn’t that how that goes? I’ve only been to like a dozen weddings, so…
Nice tux, though.
For this franchise, anyway.
That is definitely not a Bond tux.
You are CORRECT. It is not a Bond tux. First of all, long tie instead of the bow tie? It’s also a white tux with a peak lapel, so it’s sort of like Sean Connery’s white tux from the beginning of Goldfinger made a baby with Daniel Craig’s dinner jacket (the latter) from Casino Royale. The result is that it doesn’t look as good as either of them, but oh well. You take what you can get, right? And coincidentally, there’s a reason this reminds me of the Casino Royale tux, but we’ll get to that in a bit.
I didn’t see a priest anywhere.
Oh, is it Carlisle? Something tells me it’s gonna be Carlisle. That would be AWESOME.
LOOK AT THOSE TITTIES IN THE SECOND ROW!
WHOA! Was not expecting that shit.
Wait, though, then how come we didn’t see Carlisle or Emmett or Rosalie or Alice?
Oh, cuz this ain’t real.
I forget that they literally tip us off on dream sequences by showing her going to bed beforehand.
The Volturi are here. So, yeah, I’m still thinking it’s a dream.
The wedding better look totally different from this, cause otherwise you ruined the look of it.
A Shining dream? Or is she about to ride the cotton hippogriff?
This music is awful.
This is a surprisingly simple shot.
But the two of them are in it, so fuck that.
Now he can really smell your cunt.
And now it’s definitely a dream. Surreal shit is happening, they’re playing with color (which I don’t mind) and…oh, he’s dripping in blood. Who’d he kill? Everyone? Oh good. It’s nice to know that your prayers are sometimes answered.
Uhh… okay. Though why would you assume that was gonna happen?
They’re on an altar of bodies. I approve.
General Grievous had more expression in his eyes.
Alice is chastising her for not following her orders.
What did she say about TITTIES?
Now I’m picturing how much more interesting it would be if there was a Twilight version of Bachelorette. All of the characters are basically there.
Rosalie makes nice with Bella. Yawn.
“Weddings… they bring everyone together!”
Rosalie is cool with her now cause she’s given in to the shitty. Good for you.
“Are those graduation caps?”
What’s with the caps?
That’s her hair done?
And Mom’s crying.
Alice got everything on hand.
Mom’s gonna run in and have a crying sc (okay, I didn’t even get to finish that sentence before it came true, you guys.)
Charlie’s gotta come in now. “Really? I don’t wanna see any…underwears.”
“I know, I look hot.”
This motherfucker is straight gangsta.
This time, Charlie’s got a black shawl lapel. So it’s a bit like the tux from Quantum of Solace, although this wouldn’t be so obviously similar. Still a very nice tuxedo.
Wow, that’s… hideous.
“We felt you needed something blue.”
“And something old… like your mother.”
I appreciate Charlie making a crack at his ex-wife’s age. Cause fuck her.
Mom’s crying again.
Her first family heirloom. Pay attention to this, guys. This is gonna be a horcrux.
Charlie reaction for the win.
Girls like to talk about how guys have no variation and no trouble with clothes for formal occasions. But I’ve always found that dresses either look good or they don’t. Like, a $30 dress could look so much better than a $3000 dress depending on what color it is and what the design looks like and all that. And I really can’t tell. Look at Renee here and tell me how much that dress cost. Somewhere between $30 – 3000. Charlie’s tuxedo, on the other hand, ran several thousand dollars. And it looks good.
I like that they don’t need words.
Yes. Spare us the words.
Time for the dress. Alice, you should try it on first to make sure it doesn’t cover too much titty.
Is that an Eywa tree, or whatever? Is this shot gonna pan down to Sigourney Weaver dying on the ground? Cause that’d be a winner.
Is there a happy hour?
Note: Not North Korea, therefore not matching.
I like the hanging flowers.
“They’ve got to be related. What a gene pool.”
She’s gonna hate fuck him tonight.
Who’re the blonde chicks that Mike’s ogling? He want summa dat. But he throws up at machine gun fire, so he should probably marry a Teletubby.
She’s doing it too now?
“You think Bella’s gonna be showing?”
“Jess, she is not pregnant!”
“Who else gets married at 18?”
In a way, she’s the most sensible person at this wedding.
Anna Kendrick is CORRECT. Who gets married at 18 when they’re not pregnant?
Cool place for a wedding, I’ll give them that. I’d totally want to get married in the woods.
Really, pretty much anything but a church or some generic location.
I’m cool with judge’s chambers. Not a church. My second brother just got married, and they rented a huge farmhouse in Massachusetts. The whole wedding party stayed there, the wedding was outside, the party itself was in the enormous barn that had been turned into a ballroom….it was pretty good. And there was a legit fireworks show.
See, you know what I’d do?
I’d rent out like, an entire dormitory at a college. And have all the guests stay there. And it would be for like, five days. And we’d all live on the halls and drink all night and party like motherfuckers. And then what I’d do is, I’d secretly get married early in the morning or something one day, and then when everyone got dressed up real nice, I’d go, “We already got married, so we’re all just gonna look nice and hang out and eat food and get fucking wasted.” That’s what I’d do. Since I’m all about everyone being there and the partying and celebrating, not about the boring ass ceremony. That shit sucks. That’s what I hate. I want to have all that other stuff but not the hour where you have to stand there and go through the motions. So you just have one day where everyone looks nice, gets together, has a big ass banquet where we all take pictures and drink, and then there’s the giant afterparty later on. That’s the way to do it. Put people through the fun part and not the boring part.
(If she were going out to her execution — which she technically is — this scene would have went the same way.)peop
Brides, judges, and professional wrestlers. Those are pretty much the only people who get an entire room of people to stand up before they walk into it.
“Just don’t let me fall, dad.”
Charlie is easily one of the top three characters in this franchise.
The fact that he’s not a supernatural weirdo or a fake teenager makes him remarkably relate-able.
Well that dress is gonna be no good after this.
Okay, now she’s dragging her dress through the moss. Arwen’t you coming on a bit strong with the Rivendell vibe?
I really hope Carlisle is officiating the wedding.
I know it’ll probably end up being some generic old dude, but I really want it to be Carlisle.
Now might be a good time to tell him about the v-card thing. (Vampire, not virgin.)
They must have described this dress in crazy detail in the book. That’s the only reason for them giving so many money shots of it right now.
She really must have. I’m pretty sure she didn’t go into such vivid detail with Edward’s tuxedo because women don’t know about tuxes, and the costume designer supposedly thought it up himself.
I’m surprised, she hasn’t bit her lip once yet.
Why does she look like she’s gonna back out?
She looks more like she’s gonna black out.
Then we’ll have something in common!
Who is that Cuban hitman over there on the left?
I don’t even have to guess. That’s the author, isn’t it?
That’s the only reason you cut to this person in a crowd.
Goddamn it. It is, isn’t it? Ugh. I don’t like you.
Generic old dude.
Should have been Carlisle.
Now that we’re looking at it — the tuxedo. The reason these tuxes reminded me a bit of the Bond tuxes is because they were done by Brioni, who was the 007 clothier during the Brosnan years and for Casino Royale. Since Quantum of Solace, they’ve moved on to Tom Ford, who’s also very good. But that Casino Royale tux….fuck.
That’s the great thing about Daniel Craig — he pops Molly and rocks Tom Ford.
Anyway, Edward is wearing 1920s-period morning dress. White vest, white tie, black shoes and trousers, and the jacket tapers off to the tails. Any time after 7pm, you have to wear a jacket with a horizontal cut above the waist. But it’s a good tux, fits him in terms of period, and it’s Brioni, so it looks good and probably cost around $5000.
That old dude’s got CRAZY hair going on right now. Look at that Eddie Munster on his forehead.
Looks like a cross being Karl Malden and Paul Ryan. And that’s the first time anyone’s proposed that.
If I owned a drugstore and were a soda jerk, I’d have something on my menu called a Karl Malted. And no one would get it, and I wouldn’t care.
Fuck, I need to get like, super rich. That’s all I’d do. Drive-in movie theater, indoor movie theater, old fashioned diner with soda fountain — and I’d just have people over all the time.
Colin knows — he knows I’d make a great rich person. Because I’d just spend shitloads of money for other people. Pretty sure I dropped like 2 Gs in college on alcohol that was mostly for other people. I’m the kind of person that should have money, because I know what to do with it.
Oh, I get it. She sees him and her nerves are gone.
Ha ha ha, please be barren.
Remember when the Cullens were like, “People are suspicious, I’m supposed to be ten years older than I am?” How come nothing ever came of that?
Hey, remember when the author of the movie was only in that one closeup and wasn’t in the wide shot?
Nobody else catches these things.
To catch them is my real test, to train others is my cause.
Who’s that creepy looking fuck on the right? He looks like he’s about to snap that bitch’s wrist.
Is she a hostage or something? What’s that all about?
His eyebrows are too much.
This score isn’t good.
And I like Carter Burwell too. His True Grit score is one of my absolute favorite movie scores of the past 20 years.
This — is not good.
The hand-off. I think this counts as a lateral.
What’s funny is, she probably thought this would happen in real life.
And then she let her director go down on her in the front seat of a car.
Note that Charlie doesn’t shake Edward’s hand. Another thing I’m pretty sure is customary.
Whoa, look at this motherfucker.
Telling everyone to sit down. Who gave you authority? The State of Washington? Pfft.
Nice boobies, Esme.
Look at Bella’s dress. THAT’S supposed to be amazing? The whole top portion looks like it’s made of spandex.
It really does look like they stretched out some ballet tights and put it over her arms and chest.
I refuse to write any dialogue from the actual wedding ceremony (except for vows, if there are any. Written by them, I mean). I fucking hate these things. Formality pieces of shit.
It’s also kind of a thing to talk while the pastor isn’t talking, isn’t it? If I have a wedding like this, I’m gonna be talking about random shit while the dude is talking. And from the pews, it’ll look like I’m saying something romantic to the bride, but actually it’ll be like, “So…I was thinking that later on we could fuck with Face/Punch on in the background. Got the DVD in my pocket.”
I can’t ever picture myself going through with a full-on wedding ceremony like this.
And whatever kind of thing I do have, I’ll totally be talking during it.
“Did you see what the fuck Aunt Ethel is wearing? Jesus Christ.”
“Twenty bucks I can get Catherine and Dan to fuck by the end of the night.”
Titties in the front row. This is the proper placement of the titties.
And then they cut back and forth during the vows, which is just fucking sickening.
The pastor’s gone and some stupid band is here in his place.
Don’t full-on make out at the altar. What’s wrong with you?
Why can we only hear the band and them kissing? There should be applause. Waiit, now they’re spinning around them in a pan…is it too late to bet that when we get to where the guests should be, it’s just the forest?
Oh, and so now there’s nobody there, so you’re pretending like there’s no one else in the world? All right, Tony and Maria. Let’s take it down a notch.
So close. Just empty pews.
Wouldn’t it be funny if they revealed that they’re not actually married, and they’re just pretending in the forest?
And this is all happening right after Edward left her in New Moon?
And then she kills herself and the franchise ends.
KEEP HOPE ALIVE!
And now they’re all back.
I was kinda hoping they’d all be black, too.
Oh fuck, even Charlie’s doing it now?
How awesome and random would it be if Carlisle showed up in some clothes appropriate for HIS time period? Like, the big, puffy shorts and the tights and shit. Isn’t that what they wore in England in those days? The 1650s and 1660s?
I hope this is all in real time and that they only started clapping after Bella and Edward were kissing for like 2 solid minutes. Cause wrap it up, guys.
Why is he just watching them make out? That’s really creepy.
So where do you go after this? That’s what I never got about weddings. You get married, walk off the altar together, and then just sort of… go, back to the house, and then come back so everyone can party. This is so stupid, this whole thing. And because it’s based in religion (like funerals and cemeteries), no one will ever change it.
God, I fucking hate religion.
Holy shit, look at that band.
THAT BEARD is absurd.
But holy shit, look at them!
They’re like an Amish folk group.
“I just thought it would be bigger.”
Who baked that? Where did they bake it?
“We were just saying how pretty everything is.”
Mike watches Mad Men. Look at how skinny his fucking lapels are. And the collar. Not a lot there.
He means that Mike.
I have not watched Mad Men ever.
Nor have I watched The Wire, Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones.
I’m a horrible white person, I know.
What can I say? I’d rather watch 30s movies.
Go ahead and judge me while you watch your reality shows. I dare you.
“You don’t think it’s too much?”
Alice heard them shitting on the party, is that it? These friends are basically gone. They’re probably done in the franchise by now, huh? I bet they were on set for like two days to shoot this and get some free food.
These people served no purpose whatsoever after the first movie.
Remember when she was upset that she didn’t know anybody?
Random Asian guy!
Oh, wait, that’s Seth, the wolf boy? Really?
Oh, the Native Americans are here. Kinda have to keep up appearances. They are Charlie’s friends, after all. Though I bet Billy isn’t really cool with this. But whatever.
You weren’t at the wedding.
And how did you get your wheelchair over all the uneven ground?
No word from Jacob.
Like he’s not watching from up in a tree or something.
“Well I plan on getting drunk.”
Charlie is my hero.
CHARLIE’S GETTING DRUNK, Y’ALL!
Seriously, look at that dress. That’s actually something you would wear while playing the White Swan.
I’m not even going to tag that pun, because it fucking is.st
“Sue, can I get you a glass?”
Is he hitting on the Native American chick??? GET IT CHARLIE! Light a fire in that tipi, or whatever other racist innuendo. You should all know that indigenous peoples of the Pacific Northwest lived in dwellings called plank houses, that resembled European wooden structures. Point being, GET IT, CHARLIE!
Ha ha. He don’t like that.
Literal cock block.
He’s going to get some of that “Sparkling fire water.”
SPARKLING FIRE WATER MY DAY JUST ENDED
Cousins from Alaska.
Oh, cousins? Is that a thing? Or are they just friends? Must be friends, right? Nobody ever asks questions.
Are they inbred?
Is that Maggie Grace?
Does nobody ask why their eyes are all such a weird color?
Does she want to bang Seth?
That’s creepy as shit.
She don’t like the wolves.
She can smell the dog. It’s funny how every time one of them looks over, Billy’s just staring right the fuck back.
Apparently she knew Laurent.
Thanks for reminding us who the fuck Laurent was, as if there were dozens of black guys we needed to keep track of in this franchise.
Let’s see. There was Laurent, the one who almost killed her, and…the black kid at school who had a van and almost killed her. Nice, Stephenie. Real nice. I bet the van kid’s name really WAS Scatman.
Let’s not forget that he also sexually assaulted her in the cafeteria.
Way to promote racial equality, Stephenie Meyer. I know they didn’t exist before 1978, but come on.
She doesn’t believe that he tried to kill Bella.
In fact, I’m still kinda surprised he did. It came completely out of left field.
They all came out of left field. Literally. It was a baseball game. I hope you guys all remember that.
Very nice. You sure hit that one right out of the park.
Oh, he was banging her, too.
“What’s a wedding without some family drama?”
A drunk rel… oh, right.
No, we’re good. That’s everything.
Maybe the Electric Slide.
Goddamn, son, nice hardwood.
They assembled all the catering staff in the back. I was so fucking pissed at the caterers at my brother’s wedding, cause they didn’t let people eat. My table was the last to get food, and I got all this good shit, and then just as I was sitting down, I got called outside for some groomsmen speech shit (like Emmett’s doing now). Came back in, gave my toast, sat down and they had CLEARED THE PLATES ALREADY. So my dinner that night was like 3 liters of Belgian draft beer.
There’s a black guy as part of the wait staff.
You’re a real pioneer, Stephenie.
He’s proposing a toast.
Does that mean they can just turn down the toast?
Like, “Nah, we’re good.”
We’ve taken an informal poll, and the committee has decided to reject your proposal for a toast.
Technically he has to listen, right?
Someone whistled at Emmett and he immediately bro’ed out.
“Bella, I hope you got enough sleep these last eighteen years, because you won’t be getting any more for a while.”
BEST TOAST EVER. He just reset this movie at neutral, cause that was the perfect start to a toast. Is there more? Let there be more.
Edward’s face is funny here. He’s lifting his face up in the, “SO! THAT’S what you were gonna say!” pose.
Nope, no more. Just a swig of booze from Charlie. Great toast.
That’s almost one.
That totally counts.
So, if it counts, that means we’re no longer at o, which means we’re left with…
They’re just letting anyone speak at these things, aren’t they?
She’s not even drunk, either. And she’s clearly saying she wanted to fuck Edward.
Anna Kendrick’s turn. She’s wasted. But not. But this is still my initial prediction trying to come true. She’s clearly jealous of Bella for marrying Edward. She’s just kidding. She’s just kidding. Or the president of the student council.
“Edward will be a good husband. I know this, because I’m a cop. I know things.”
End the speech there. That would be amazing.
“Like… how to hunt somebody, to the ends of the earth.”
Charlie’s making threats. I would have been so into this if he’d broken down. “Cause I’m a cop. I know things. Like…like what it feels like to see a hollowpoint from your gun put half a man’s head into a wall. To pick him up and see your hand through his skull. You know the taste of brain and tears. Someone get me a glass of vodka to mix my cough syrup with.”
You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
“Now that you’re my sister, you’ll have to get over your aversion to fashion.”
Alice is dressed a little late-20s-early-30s, no?
And that is a very good thing.
“And I know how to use a gun.”
Charlie’s back to talk about his gun! Yeah!
YES! The glance to the camera!
Expect this in the shots article, folks.
And she’s singing.
Oh for fuck’s sake, Mom. Go home. Wherever that is.
There should be an emcee at these things.
Somebody give this bitch the hook.
JESUS CHRIST WHO ISN’T TALKING?
Wait, so you drink champagne but can’t eat anything?
He’s 18. Does he get to drink champagne? I mean, I know it’s a bullshit law, that you can be married, executed, or killed in combat at age 18, but you can’t have a drink. But is this just the exception they’re making on the wedding day? Like, if Edward tried to have a drink three days from now and Charlie was there, he’d totally call him out, right? The guy IS a cop, after all.
But none of them are eating, and there’s a BUNCH of vampires here. If there was one vampire, they could be like, “Oh, I’m not hungry, thanks.” But this is a huge portion of the wedding party that just isn’t eating, and that’d be super conspicuous. Even if Alice told the caterers to prepare only as many meals as there were humans coming, it’d be really obvious. So my only conclusion is that they ordered enough for everyone, and had the vampires sit there with food in front of them, not eating. Then the food got thrown away. Wasters of food.
“It’s an extraordinary thing, to meet someone who you can bare your soul to. Who accepts you for what you are.”
Your centerpiece is overdoing it when there’s barely enough room for a coffee cup at the edge of the table.
I’m just fascinated by the guy who looks like Ed Wynn two people behind Esme.
“I’ve been waiting, for what seems like a very long time, to get beyond what I am.”
Hah! There’s the caterers again! GET BACK TO TO WORK!
“And with Bella, I feel like I can finally begin.”
“I’ve waited 100 years to lose my virginity. And now’s my chance!”
Fuck you, Stephenie.
And then he proposes a toast! Either just say, “To Bella,” or go “na zdorovie!” iDon’t make the toast and then propose it.
“No measure of time with you would be long enough. Let’s start with forever.”
This is pretty corny. And I’d love to be watching this with Larry David. Shit, I want to watch this whole series with Larry David. That’d be fucking incredible.
One of my favorite Larry David stories that I’ve heard — which made it into the show, actually — was that one day, Jeff Garlin was talking to him, and he’d just been on a plane, and while on the plane, he watched Eat, Pray, Love. He watched it with the sound off and even so, knew it was a huge piece of shit. (He’s right.) And then he went up to Larry and asked how much money they’d have to pay him to see that movie. And Larry thought about it for a good, sixty to seventy seconds, carefully considering it, before saying, “$3,000.”
I bet the number for this franchise would be considerably higher.p
White people dancing.
White people dancing.
YEAH ALICE GET IT GOING NOW!
They must be good dancers cause they have all the time in the universe to learn shit. I wanna see Jasper C-Walk.
You’re crazy if you didn’t think that shot wasn’t gonna happen.
I find everything.
Because I’m Mike.
I know things.
Seth saw that shit.
Carlisle looks like the perverted, way out of touch uncle who thinks he can successfully hit on that 22 year old bridesmaid and thinks it’s going well because she’s laughing at his jokes.
“Another one of our guests just arrived.”
Jacob. He means Jacob.
If she doesn’t immediately know it’s Jacob, she has learned nothing this entire franchise.
I rest my case.
They’re going into the woods. Only good can come of this.
Really? Don’t you know what happens every time they have a conversation in the woods?
“Best man didn’t have time to get a tux.”
I stand corrected.
You’re a fucking idiot, Bella.
Still a witch with words.
And Edward says it was kind of him to show up.
“Kind is my middle name.”
I guess it’s better than Kinda. Jacob Kinda Black.
“I’ll see if Rosalie wants a dance.”
Why, because Emmett is drunk and fighting people?
He struck me as the happy sort of drunk. I mean, he still struck me, but he was happy about it.
He apologizes for being late. She says it doesn’t matter. “Everything is perfect now.”
Ugh. Seriously, just die already.
“Dance with me.”
How about you come to the fucking wedding? You don’t need a tux now.
Why are you crying?
So now they’re gonna dance and talk about something I can guarantee I won’t care about.
He says he went to northern Canada. He thinks.
“You’d think I’d be used to telling you goodbye by now.”
“Come on, you’re not supposed to be the one crying, Bella.”
Damn, he got sensible.
“Everyone cries at weddings.”
“This is how I’m gonna remember you. Pink cheeks, two left feet.”
She has two left feet? Oh, I get it. But how does he know our idioms?
That twirl was necessary though, right?
“So what, soon I’m gonna be dead to you?”
You’ll be dead to everyone.
That’s called a technicality.
“Cause soon I’ll be dead to you?” “No. You’ll be dead to everyone.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to appreciate your last night as a human.”
I’m gonna be honest here – while he’s not amazing, I do respect Taylor Lautner’s attempts to make himself a better actor. His acting has shown considerable improvement over the course of the films thus far.
And I remember seeing – what was it called? Revenge or Kidnapped or whatever it was. Abduction, that was it. I remember seeing that movie and thinking, “You know, he doesn’t do a bad job of it. His voice is a little high pitched for an action hero, but he does acquit himself well enough in that movie. All things considered, he wasn’t that bad. So I do respect his attempts to get better, since he could have just not done anything.
From what I heard, he’s refusing to take his shirt off in movies now unless it’s REALLY warranted. Like, he got sick of directors just telling him to take his shirt off and screenwriters shoehorning in moments where he’d randomly be shirtless. So I respect that. Keep your shirt on.
My boss was thinking of working with him on something, but the project fell through.
To be honest, I’m rooting for him, if that’s the way he’s gonna go. It seems like he’s trying. His acting has gotten better over the course of the franchise, and if he legit wants to try to make this work, and is going to make semi-decent choices, I’m rooting for him.
I don’t have to root for Pattinson, since he does actually seem to be choosing offbeat stuff now, for the most part. And Stewart — I have no fucking idea what to make of her. So I’ll just focus my attention on Jennifer Lawrence and leave her to her own devices.
“It’s not my last night.”
“I didn’t really want to spend my honeymoon writing in pain.”
Just… gonna leave that one… right there.
“It’s not like you’re gonna have a real honeymoon with him anyway.”
I don’t like how he can’t just be happy for her. There are times when I think Jacob isn’t a little bitch, but then he keeps slipping back into being a little bitch so easily.
“It’s gonna be as real as anyone else’s.”
“That’s a sick joke.”
He’s right. Cause Edward’s a vampire. That’s as real as it gets.
Apparently he’s disgusted that she’s gonna fuck him while she’s still human.
And yet.. it’s okay for a human woman to fuck a wolf?
Totally. He’ll only maim her.
Is it wrong to call an old black female wolf Maimy?
“I mean, it’s really none of your business.”
That’s always a good way to make your point.
Especially when there are a dozen or two vampires over there and her husband can read your thoughts.
There you go, Seth. That’s how you control your boy.
Oh, they got reinforcements.
And everyone else holds him back. Good work, gentlemen. Where’s the chick?
Probably off to the side, furiously masturbating.
“You’re not gonna start something that we’ll have to finish.”
Oh damn, he just called him a bitch.
Motherfucker she’s GOING to die anyway.
Aw, she’ll die if she has sex with him without being bitten first. And the bite is also sex. So she needs to have bite sex before she can have regular sex.
Also, why does Jacob know that she’ll die? Did they teach shit like this in the Native American school? “And when a vampire fucks a human, the human dies.” Edward’s able to do everything else normally. That’s the only thing he can do that’ll kill her? Why? Fuck you, Meyer.
“If she dies, she dies.”
Also, Fuck You Meyer.
How many times has she made that face when Jacob left over the past movie and a half?
Seth’s upset. He wanted to try to score with one of the sister vampires.
Seth has to go too, even though he’s cool with everyone. I hope they go back to their place and beat up Jacob for being a dickwad. Or just because.
And the wedding party is none the wiser.
Weird how no one wonders where the bride went for so long.
The obvious question that should be coming up here…”So, I WON’T die, then?”
And this is where we’ll END PART I.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part II, and the honeymoon. I bet that’ll be… Bora, Boring.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)