Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Part II — “But Treasure Cove Was Amazing”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Breaking Dawn Part 1, Part II.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the second part of Breaking Dawn Part 1:
We begin Part II as the bride and groom leave to go fuck.
This part of the wedding always amused me. Everyone watching the couple go off to fuck.
And they’re clapping too.
“Hooray, sex is about to happen.”
Why doesn’t this happen to all of us?
Actually, never mind. A lot of the time, I wouldn’t want the recognition. I’d be like a celebrity trying to leave a place. Putting towels over my head and shit. “Don’t look at me, I’m not proud of myself right now.”
Why is the Asian chick always taking pictures of things?
It’s amusing to me that Mike’s thought she was Asian this whole time, and she’s Hispanic. Cause the one time someone IS Hispanic, they get mistaken for something else. Also, she’s fine as hell these days.
Oh, I was talking about Eric.
Why, is Angela holding that camera?
“So you really won’t tell me where he’s taking you?”
She doesn’t know where they’re going. Bates Motel Bates Motel Bates Motel
I really don’t like her mom. Does anyone like her mom? Or Bella, for that matter?
It’s weird how the first movie set her and Charlie up as not being great parents. Or rather – she was flighty and meant well but couldn’t do well, and Charlie was distant, but a good parent. And yet – they’ve completely eliminated that. You get no sense of that at all anymore and they just seem like caring parents who are divorced.
Also — Colin — you’d like her mother better if she were hotter.
But I guess that goes without saying for all of us, doesn’t it?
This is her Nicholson face.
I see Alice.
I see France, I see Esme’s under–
“Everything’s packed and ready to go.”
“Cool!” You know who doesn’t talk like that? Any person of marriageable age.
Charlie’s turn. He doesn’t seem drunk at all, which is unfortunate.
So that’s their relationship.
“It’s gonna be strange — you not living under my roof.”
Kind of like… the ten years when she was with her mother?
You’ve technically spent more time with her not under your roof than with her under your roof. She’s only been with you for maybe three years, and that’s not counting the hospital trips, the Italy disappearance, all the time spent with the Cullens — honestly I think it would be weird if she were living under your roof for real. Because you’re the Chief of Police. I’m pretty sure that’s not 9-5.
This line feels more like dialogue than anything.
(FYI — the first film takes place between March and June. The entire second and third films take place within ONE YEAR of that. And this film takes place in the span of A MONTH! And the second half of this film — THREE MONTHS! Maybe!)
“Yeah, it’s gonna be strange for me too.”
Oh, all this awkward stuff. I still don’t get how it’s going to work. Does she have to tell them that she’s becoming a vampire? Cause the Volturi aren’t cool with that. But she’d have to disappear cause her family and friends would realize she and Edward weren’t aging and were sparkly and shit. So either her family knows, or she has to die tragically and disappear somewhere else, even though they always keep the same name and could be Googled rather easily. I don’t get how any of this is going to work or how this is seemingly the only part of this whole scenario that they HAVEN’T discussed for our benefit. But hey, I stopped tallying my issues with this franchise before we even knew Bella’s name.
Which was actually a long fucking time. Remember that first movie? We didn’t find out her name until after we found out Jacob’s, Wheels’ (what is his name, again? Oh, right, Billy), gay Asian kid’s and Mike’s name.
But that does bring up a question that was never answered — how the fuck do they keep getting to have
the mafia in Providence the same name? Taxes? Anything? I get your name used to be Masen, but now it’s Cullen. So do you just swap your names out each time? You take Carlisle’s last name for this century, and then it’s Rosalie’s name next century? Also, you fucking drive. How does that work?
Answer me these goddamn questions, please. Time is running out on this franchise, and I can’t take how easily you’re letting shit like this go in favor of stupid shit like vampire BASEBALL.
“You know it’ll always be your home, right?”
“I love you, dad. Forever.”
Just fucking tell him.
Or just fucking kill me.
Do one of them.
“I love you too, Bella. Always have, and I always will.”
Don’t like that he said it like that. Because he never said it out loud before. So it feels like him assuring her that was always the case. We knew he did.
A fleck of residue from a spit take I did during Part I is placed perfectly so that it looks like Charlie’s crying. Oh, but when I scroll, it looks more like a growth on his chin that he should have checked out.
That might be the strongest emotional moment in the film. Him finally giving up his daughter.
“You don’t want to miss your plane. Wherever it’s going.”
This is a fun split. Cause she’s like, “Okay, Dad…I gotta go lose my V-card.”
You think Edward does the same thing?
THEY’RE DRIVING AWAY IN THE VOLVO
IT’S A NEW VOLVO WHAAAAAAT
Edward be all over them one year leases.
Also, what do all the guests do now?
Just sort of… disperse?
Say goodbye to the titties.
It’s been good while it lasted.
Pretty fitting this is the last shot we see of her.
She’s gonna fuck the shit out of him later.
And even I’m excited for him.
Anyone else hoping for a Diana Rigg right now?
Or maybe one of these?
This is actually the Volvo that I’m totally cool with him driving, or at least the one that fits the best and I would love to drive myself. It’s a 2011 Volvo S60. Can’t really get a look at the trim, but I’m hoping they went for the T6 R-Design with the 3.0L turbo inline six. That’d be a great choice.
What is this, 25th Hour?
And somewhere, a wolf howls in the night.
What does a wolf sound like when its masturbating?
You’re taking her to Rio?
(Also, for those who don’t immediately know that’s Rio, learn some fucking landmarks.)
Looks like they’re trying to…redeem the franchise a bit?
Is Jaws gonna be there dressed as a clown?
Ohhhhh god that shit was so scary though.
It’s funny, putting those last two shots together, because she’s literally looking out at windows, and that’s her expression.
Oh, he speaks Portugeuese.
DOES HE SPEAK PORTUGUESE? NO HE DOES NOT. I REFUSE
Pretty weird that they’re just partying in the streets like this on a random Monday in August.
As someone who played trumpet for like 10 years, I never got how people blow into their instruments like this. Maybe the sax is one thing, but what about Dizzy Gillespie? That guy had the most ridiculous cheeks. Fucking Dizzilypuff.
But we should all agree that of the saxophones, tenor is the best.
There are not enough hot women. I don’t know if this is really Brazil.
There are brown people kissing each other everywhere. Is what that series of shots was trying to show us. And now back to two hopelessly pale people who have a bit of color because of this lighting.
I hope he got them a nice room. Because who wants to fuck on a seedy Brazilian cot their first time?
That would have worked for me.
Oh, wait… this is Bella Swan. She thinks a dreamcatcher is a perfect gift.
She’d probably fuck on top of a thin white sheet on the killing floor of a slaughterhouse.
“So we’re staying in Rio?”
Maybe a question to ask when you LAND in Rio. Maybe not now, after you’ve walked THROUGH Rio.
“No, just passing through.”
Which means I have little time to get my “Rio, Rio by the sea-o, oh me-o, oh my-o” out there.”
I’ll give him credit for style.
That’s it, baby, when you’ve got it, FLAUNT IT!
Are they going to Cuba to get Mojitos and tango?
This shot is all wrong. Here’s how you do this series of shots. First of all, it needs to be a go-fast boat. Second, you get rid of Kristen Stewart and throw in a hot Asian actress. Doesn’t have to be Gong Li. I’m thinking Meisa Kuroki. And shoot it like this with the go-fast boat bouncing. These are the sorts of lessons Miami Vice can offer. Not legitimate film advice; just sheer coolness advice.
Shame that she’s not in this movie. I’ve been sitting on this Gong Lido deck pun for months.
I like how they have to add that the boat was a gift from Carlisle, just in case we were wondering where he got it. Because god forbid he rented it. I hate when ADR is just thrown in there for no reason.
This looks like where Bond and Natalya stayed before the raid on GoldenEye.
Wait, the ISLAND is a gift from Carlisle? Or did he just like…rent it for them or something? Cause if he bought them an island…shit, Carlisle.
So I guess now it’s a… Carlisland.
Why does their floor look like the floor of a gay sauna?
Wrong threshold, buddy.
That’s not how doors work.
What if they fucked for the first time in Charlie’s house?
Why your clothes still on damn
No shit, though. They should have been fucking all over this place by now? Goddamn, the island is theirs? You can fuck EVERYWHERE here.
Man, those sheets are gonna have to be thrown away.
That’s his problem, they are HIS to burn.
Yeah, but she’s also really wired…
“Do you want to go for a swim?”
“Are you stalling?”
And there’s the whale.
Which makes me think… what if they got attacked by a shark in the water? Can there be a scene of Edward biting a shark and drinking its blood?
I bet shark blood is DOUBLE salty.
“I can use a few more human minutes.”
This is horrible. They went to such great lengths to be ready to fuck and now that they’re here, the only thing they’re groping at is excuses not to be fucking. I hate Stephenie Meyer.
“Don’t take too long, Mrs. Cullen.”
I hate when guys do that. It annoys the shit out of me. Not that I have anything against taking the last name, it’s just – they say the name like they’re suddenly a different person. There’s that implicit notion in that statement, otherwise they wouldn’t go out of their way to say it, and that’s annoying as hell to me.
I would love to do that, but mess up the name. Like, use some random last name. And when she gets confused or pissed, you go, “Well, shit, you JUST changed it! Don’t expect me to remember your new name every time you change it all willy-nilly. Wait, it wasn’t ‘Willy-Nilly,’ was it?”
I’d only do it if we both did it in some sort of cute, 1930s, way.
But then we’d both have to be alcoholics and I’d have to be a detective, so let’s just call the whole thing off.
Is he gonna Norman Maine himself?
A Star is Bored.
Boy, are you glad he can’t read you right now.
What’s this face about? Is she gonna do a line of coke? “Goddamn! Goddamn.”
She walks up to this sink like she’s about to throw up everywhere. Like Bond in Casino Royale, when he grabs the salt shaker and the glass to induce vomiting. What the hell is this about?
Time to grease up that stink box.
Is this seriously gonna be a “preparing for sex” montage?
I know it’s not sexy, but, as a guy, pretty sure all we need is for you to roll over and lift a cheek.
Now there’s peppy music playing, like she’s getting ready for something. Why do I feel like it’s not sex?
Well, now we know what her handjobs are like.
Awkward, but effective?
I was gonna say course and rough and irritating. And it gets everywhere.
This has been one of those random discussions I’ve had with people around the lunch or dinner table. Like the cake or pie discussion, or the strawberry vs. grape jelly discussion. The, “Do you wet your toothbrush before the toothpaste is on, after it’s on, or not at all?” I always do it after, since if you do it before, the bristles are wet and then they’re not as firm for when you’re brushing. It defeats the purpose. I guess not at all is really the way to go, but I generally give it a quick rinse just to give it that nice cold water feeling.
With cake and pie, it depends on the occasion and it depends on the pies and cakes we’re comparing. I go wild for apple, lemon meringue, pumpkin, and sometimes blueberry pies. So those over almost ANY cake at any time. But if it’s a birthday party and it isn’t a shitty store-bought cake with the frosting that makes you sick, I can be down for certain cakes. It’s only like…pecan pie, super sweet key lime pie, or a syrupy strawberry rhubarb pie that would get me to go for the cake. I’m a fucking Mayflower descendant who grew up in a WASPy house in New England. I like pie.
I will generally go for pie most of the time, unless we’re getting into the issue of flavor. I don’t really like the airiness of cake. Plus pie is awesome.
Strawberry vs. grape…isn’t even a question for me. I go for strawberry every time. But that’s only because I’m not into that particular grape taste. However, I acknowledge (and will testify to the fact) that grape is more suited to the jelly medium than strawberry. Jelly comes from juice; there’s no fruit pulp. Grape juice lends itself to the task much better than strawberry does. So it’s a matter of taste. If you’re making distinctions, grape should be the rightful jelly (though I still go for strawberry out of personal taste issues, which aren’t really worth debating) and strawberry is the clear winner in the jam or preserve competition, where chunks of fruit or pulp are involved. You might say I’m overthinking this, but we usually overthink shit here. Unless it’s directly related to Twilight.
It’s grape jelly all the way. It’s not peanut butter and jelly unless it’s grape jelly.
I also find that only white people will go for anything other than grape jelly. I guess that’s just a white thing. I didn’t even know that strawberry was a thing until college. No self-respecting non-white person would choose anything but grape jelly. If you pick strawberry, you’re white.
Still — why the fuck would you use strawberry? This is the one ‘either or’ argument that I have a very definitive opinion about.
It’s grape. The answer is grape.
As for the toothbrush, I wet the whole arrangement after the toothpaste has been applied. I do it lightly enough so that no toothpaste gets swept away down the drain, cause that’s just money…down the drain. But like Mike said, that cold water feeling really makes it. Otherwise, the paste doesn’t quite swish around the right way. It’s like when you’re rollerblading on pavement and then go on grass. Doesn’t quite work, does it? Now back to our scheduled sex preparation montage.
Thank god its not regularly scheduled.
I hate this shot so much.
I’ve done this many a time.
I can think of at least three times where Colin personally has walked into the kitchen of a house party and seen me drinking from the faucet.
And I came to recognize it as a bodily function, almost like using the bathroom. He’d do it, then stand up again head back to the party.
Of course. Who wants to miss the piñata?
All right there, Lady Macbeth. Let’s cool it with the washing.
Putting water on your hands? How about making sure your vag don’t smell.
But then how do you know it’s working?
I’d clap if she just stripped and went outside and fucked him right now.
See, there you go.
Funny how you didn’t think to do this before the wedding.
What, “Alice!”? What the fuck were you gonna wear instead?
Alice packed for her. How did I miss that? HOW did I miss that? Alice is not only the best character in this franchise, she’s probably the best sister ever. She’s trying to sexy Bella up for her brother. Which, let’s face it…the Converses and jeans aren’t gonna do it on the honeymoon.
Also, why do you need anything?
But good job, Alice. I approve.
Just wear the fucking towel.
Or ANY of those things in the suitcase.
Eww. She’s too skinny.
After a few years dating Japanese girls, I’m almost inclined to say, “…eh.”
What are you so fucking nervous about? Jesus christ, weren’t YOU the one who wanted this for the past two movies?
“Don’t be a coward.”
I could have sworn he said, “Don’t be a cunt.”
Because, seriously, don’t.
Don’t be a coward? This is your HUSBAND we’re talking about. You’re MARRIED. You can wear some lingerie. Sexy it up. This is all probably from Stephenie Meyer’s experience. I bet she’s a never-nude.
Oh god… sand…
YEAH! That’s how you do it!
Drop that shit. This is Brazil.
Your hair looks stupid, though.
Oh, so now she lives vicariously through her character by sending Bella out completely naked. Girls may think that this is what guys want. It isn’t. Lingerie is sexy as shit. Get your plaid skirt on and do this shit over. Striptease for a motherfucker.
Striptease for a Motherfucker
Wow, that’s creepy as shit.
What, you don’t like how clare the lune is on this Debussea?
They’re not gonna fuck in the water, right? I feel like they made a big deal about this sex scene. There’s no way it’s happening in the ocean.
They do know that’s how soap opera pregnancies happen, right? They’re skinny dipping and he cums and she gets pregnant from like 20 feet away. “Yeah, my spunk is POTENT! Sperm banks be paying me interest on my shit!”
Before some shit goes down, I’d like to point out how, since the wedding ended at night and that it takes a LONG ass time to get to Brazil, which is basically the same time zone give or take, this is the day after the wedding. Meaning that her actual wedding night was probably spent in a seat on a plane. I hope she at least gave Edward a handy.
Can Edward kill a shark now?
“You’re so beautiful.”
I’d have went with, “I can see your boobs.”
Sometimes I’m just a born romantic.
Whoa, are they really gonna do it here?
“If this doesn’t work…”
A HA HA. You mean he won’t be able to get it up?
If this doesn’t work. They’re still talking about it. Son of a bitch. Just cut to her crying while he smokes a cigarette. Cause we know that’s where this is going.
“I trust you.”
Wow. When you’re a vampire, you can actually just fuck underwater.
But Treasure Cove was amazing.
That’s never going away. And I legit don’t even remember what I said.
Oh, no, there we go.
Really do not need more shots of her chipmunk teeth.
So they’re back in bed and her giggling tells me that they still haven’t started yet. I’m not saying girls don’t giggle during sex, mind you — I’m saying that this one definitely doesn’t.
Way to break the house.
Can he really not get it up?
Wow, that was a pretty shitty sex scene, considering how much I heard about it when this movie came out.
And they cut to the morning cause that’s as graphic as we can get.
That’s the joke? They broke the bed?
That’s how I leave most bedrooms.
Fear and Loathing in Sao Paolo.
The thing that I really don’t get is — even when both of them are vampires, it’s still gonna be forceful and stuff. At least, enough to fuck up the room like this. Edward was trying not to mess HER up, but everything else got trashed. So I guess what I’m asking is…is Alice and Jasper’s bedroom made of Krytonite or something?
This music is awful.
That isn’t TITTY, is it?
Are you literally touching yourself to relive the experience?
You better tuck that in. Gonna get that caught on a tripwire.
It’s not your fault, Bella.
“How badly are you hurt?” Wow. I have to admit, that’s not something I’ve ever said after sex. Maybe I should start.
She says she’s fine.
So even after marriage, sex will demolish you. Thanks for that, Stephenie.
What the fuck is this place? It looks like someone in set design had a few Pier 1 Imports gift cards lying around and just went for it.
I could be so fucking pretentious if I wanted to be. Shit, I don’t even really want to be and I’m pretentious anyway. Which is really getting at the essence of what pretentious really is.
He says not to do that, and she’s like, “Don’t you fuck this up for me.”
Talk about an abusive relationship. He bruises her, she comes back asking for more.
Their first fight.
“I’ve already ruined it.”
What a bitch.
“Why can’t you see how perfectly happy I am?”
What a bitch.
“Or was, five seconds ago?”
“And now I’m sort of pissed off, actually.”
Yeah. That was believable.
“Yes. Be angry with me. Good. Good.”
Apparently she’s worried it wasn’t as good for him as it was for her.
“I don’t know what it’s like for you, but, as a human, I can’t imagine it gets any better than that.”
Every woman just told her to go kill herself.
WAS it amazing for you? I’m pretty sure a Kristen Stewart orgasm looks a lot like a Kristen Stewart hiccup.
But Treasure Cove was amazing.
“Last night was the best night of my existence.”
Why are we fighting? You both liked it.
They do way too much random kissing.
“You’re not gonna touch me again, are you?”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
Aww… just like a real marriage.
“Let me make you breakfast.”
Yes. Go make her breakfast. Whipped.
Random shot of birds.
Again, the transition shots in this movie are better than the rest of the shots.
Is this what you do on a honeymoon? Chess?
Also, oh my god, that shirt.
Tell me they’re not playing chess. You’re playing chess against a guy who spent the first 95+ years of his 110 year existence without internet. How the fuck do you think this is gonna go?
She’s white, he’s red.
I get it.
“Apparently this isn’t wizard’s chess. Let us fuck.”
That’s how you do it.
She put something on. Striptease, or what?
And that is NOT how you do it. Not for me, anyway. She’s standing there all, “I can’t believe I’m doing this. I look ridiculous.” You gotta own that shit. Shake it, bake it, booty quake it. And honestly, that video was made for children, so I need even more.
He likes it. Even though she don’t know how to work it.
I know that pose. That’s the, “Oh, I’m gonna get my dick sucked soon” pose.
You fucking idiot.
She’s gonna go finger herself til her hands bleed.
This pose makes her look woefully knock-kneed.
Still get it, film. Still fucking get it.
He should be sparkling. There’s nothing covering them and we’ll see in a second that they’re in the sun. I’m amazed they didn’t sandblast him with glitter for this sequence.
Ha ha… spider monkey.
My god, that CGI was awful.
NO way. How did her top stay on for that impact?
They’re playing an awful lot of chess for a honeymoon. Here are the activities that are acceptable during a honeymoon: fucking, eating, drinking, shower fucking, most things that aren’t chess.
Is this like The Seventh Seal? If she wins at chess, he fucks her?
(That’s what that movie was about, right?)
In a weird way — and I’ve felt this way since I saw Three Days of the Condor in the 2nd grade and understood NONE of it — Max von Sydow is one man who I can picture fucking death. But not violently. There’d be something very contemplative about it.
Jesus, way to avoid your wife, buddy.
Is she begging for sex this whole time? Is that why he keeps flying away from her? And then when she shows up to bed in a negligee, he laughs about it.
What I don’t get is — he fucked her already. So why doesn’t he want to do it again?
At this point, it’s not about temptation. It’s about him being a little fuckhole.
Does he not want to fuck her until she’s turned?
And he doesn’t want to turn her because it’ll make her unpure.
You better either go join the clergy or kill yourself, asshole, because I got no use for you.
Isn’t it awkward when you see a newlywed guy wearing a wife beater?
What is wrong with you? Don’t you know she wants it?
Whip out a toy or something. That’s the worst part about this. It’s only the act that gets him completely messed up. He could grab a cucumber out of the fridge and take care of her ANY TIME. He’s just being selfish cause no matter what it is, he has to be directly involved.
Wow, so apparently that was the deal.
She ain’t got no ass, and it’s sad.
But Treasure Cove was Amazing.
I’m sure that’s normal.
Ha ha. You don’t even get to fuck in a dream.
“Having a nightmare?”
“Were you having a nightmare?” “No, but my pussy’s on fire.”
“Just a dream. It was a really good dream.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“Because I wanted it to be real.”
“Bella, I can’t.”
How about maybe explaining why you can’t?
Wow. She really need the dick.
Holy shit. She ACTUALLY is begging for sex. I don’t think we’ve had a franchise character beg for sex since…Attack of the Clones?
Are we not counting Samwise?
No, but seriously… Eowyn. She practically begged for the dick.
Too bad Gimli wasn’t into it.
White girl ass.
Wait a second. Yeah. Just let her be on top and have her do her thing. Don’t move your arms or legs and just let it go. She gets her sexing, you get to not kill her. I just solved Twilight.
I Just Solved Twilight.
And that’s the end of the movie!
What, wait, no? It’s just the END OF PART II?
There are three more parts to this shit.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part III, and the demon seed.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)