Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Part III — “And You Thought This Franchise Couldn’t Get Any Better”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Breaking Dawn Part 1, Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the third part of Breaking Dawn Part 1:

We begin Part III with… Charlie?

Another goddamn dream!?

(Also, I know it’s a dream, because it started with a “scary” chord, which automatically makes it not real. Why is Carter Burwell tipping dream sequences so easily?)

So they fucked and she died.

Goddamnit, Stephenie…

“Maybe they’ll say she was in a car crash. Or tripped and fell off a cliff.”

The second one. That’s more likely.

Also because that did actually happen already.

Also, two more things — one, they once again had a dream sequence after showing her going to bed. And second, they randomly just cut to this afterward, which is weird, since for a second you think this might be part of the dream sequence.

It’s funny that he’s got two little kids hanging around with him.

Colin:

Jacob thinks she is gonna die. She has to be dead for this to work, then? Maybe he’s wrong, though.

“At least I’ll get one thing out of it.”

Colin:

Look at the one on the left. Who Latin-ed up Zac Efron?

Weird how he just stood there and let you kill him.

“No you won’t. The Cullens are not a danger, to the town or the tribe.”

Took you guys three movies to figure that shit out.

Colin:

Sam tells Jacob to shut the fuck up. Thanks Sam. I like him more and more.

That’s this entire scene in a nutshell.

“Jacob thinks Bella is gonna die. Sam tells Jacob to shut the fuck up.”

Leah be talking shit.

They’re gonna fuck later.

Colin:

Now Leah’s gonna be a jerk about stuff cause that’s how the one girl in the pack has to act to assert herself and be respected.

She says at least he didn’t imprint on her.

You know, like they did.

Colin:

Did that little boy jizz on the littler kid? WHAT? WHAT IS THIS?

Jacob doesn’t believe in imprinting.

Colin:

Remember how they can all read each other’s thoughts? So Jacob’s having this conversation right now and the rest of them can all hear it. According to what the films have told us.

They probably just tune it out.

Since what does Leah have to deal with? And vice versa? Since Leah has to listen to Sam’s thoughts, and he imprinted on her cousin — Scarface over there. So he’s gotta listen to all his shit, thinking about her (which apparently isn’t strong enough to stop him from acting like an angry asshole all the time with his pack buddies). Not to mention, he’s gotta hear her acting like a pissed off ex-girlfriend. So that must be one fucked up pack to be in. And then there’s Jacob doing all this stuff. How do they do it?

Also, if you’r trying to go to sleep, but all the other wolves are out partying, does that make it harder?

Like that night you gotta go to bed early to get up, but everyone else on your hall is still partying. Is that what it’s like?

“At least if you imprinted on someone, you’d finally forget about Bella.”

Colin:

I still think imprinting is when you jizz on something. That’s all it is, right?

So, if he doesn’t believe in it, that’s another person who’s into the religion shit.

I also love how imprinting is basically tying yourself to one person for the rest of your life.

So to not believe in imprinting is to want to be sad and lonely forever.

Is there a Newton’s Third Law to emo in this franchise? Did it just shift from Edward to Bella to Jacob? Is that how that works? Is emo the VD of this franchise?

“I mean, being any kind of happy is better than being miserable about someone you can’t have.”

She’s right. Also, based on what I know about imprinting (aside from the jizz thing), from what they’ve said in the film — once you imprint, nothing else matters. So, if you’re miserable, can’t you just imprint on anyone and the sadness goes away?

This is some fairy tale shit. Or some hardcore drugs. “One hit of this and all your sadness will go away.”

Also, here’s another thing I never really paid much attention to —

So Leah is Seth’s brother. Her father was Harry, who was Graham Greene, whose kung fu was not strong enough. His wife is the chick that Charlie is banging. So, in a way, Leah and Seth will eventually be related to Bella.

So… in a way, it could be construed as Charlie killing Harry to go fuck his wife.

And he’s the Chief of Police.

There’s a noir in here, folks. I didn’t think about it before, but there is one.

“The world has changed. I feel it in the water…”

(Right, though?)

He hired day laborers?

Maybe they’re here to fix the bed?

Colin:

The Help have arrived. Some dude and…Consuela.

Housekeepers.

I… thought this was an island. That Carlisle owns.

Do they just let them live on it?

Do they boat them in every week to clean shit?

What?

“This is my wife.”

“Excuse me.”

Oh, I get it.

But… how would he know to go and check the bedroom? Presumably Edward told him something was broken? Or did he run in to get the sheets? I’m actually kind of confused right now.

Apparently the woman is worried, because she suspects Edward is a vampire and is preying upon a young woman.

Colin:

Oh, so the woman isn’t cool with Edward then? Edward didn’t answer this question at all, by the way.

Isn’t it funny how — you know what? Never mind. I’m just gonna drink.

“No. No. Mister Cullen es no home.”

Colin:

“Eh, no.” SHIT IT REALLY IS CONSUELA

Colin:

God, do I hate this woman. She thinks she’s helping. God, do I hate this woman. Shut the fuck up and clean. You know not what you speak.

E também portuguese.

Colin:

I can fucks wit dat. Still not as good as Jesus’ place in Miami Vice, on top of all the waterfalls.

Remember how we’ve said all along how selfish a person Bella was?

LOOK AT THIS!

That’s like that person who parks their car in between what could be two spots on the street, and everyone has to pass by and park three blocks away because that person is an asshole.

I want to live in a place like this.

Colin:

Again, summer place. I gotta have some city. This is too remote. Where do you put the trash?

Where do you put the natives?

Is this bird gonna Barton Fink?

I want to leave this note for someone once.

Colin:

Oh, of course. He still needs to drink some blood and it ain’t gonna be hers. So he’s off and she has to eat too.

Way to stock up a fridge.

Did they pack this specifically for her, or was this shit just here?

Also, is that a bottle of blood in there already, or is that just some cheap red wine?

Colin:

I was so hoping for those to be Gogurts.

So naturally, cook chicken.

Colin:

What’s she cooking up? I wonder if this is gonna be that, “Hey, I’ll probably never eat this again” part. That’s what I’d be thinking. It’s like how once Ebert couldn’t eat anymore, he said he didn’t miss food as much as he missed the companionship of mealtime. Which is bullshit, cause food’s awesome and you can always sit there while someone else eats.

And eat peanut butter.

I see she’s not a vegetarian anymore. Is that supposed to coincide with the sex, or was that just some stupid first movie convention they had?

Colin:

I bet that was literally just to make her look awkward with Charlie. Although, this is still chicken. Maybe she’s one of those vegetarians who don’t eat red meat, but are like, “Fuck chickens. I’ll eat them.” I can understand those people if they eat chicken cause it’s delicious. But by that rationale…I just love beef.

I think Catherine Hardwicke made it a point to call it out in the first movie, and no one else gave a shit afterward because it’s a trivial fucking detail. (Though I guess technically it would help her in the transition, but still — it’s stupid.)

Also, Stephenie Meyer is a vegetarian.

I rest my case.

Chicken, peanut butter, yogurt and crackers.

That actually doesn’t seem like a bad lunch. I like all of these things.

Colin:

Where does this island’s electricity come from? Do they have solar panels? Wouldn’t this be a thousand times better if they were on Scaramanga’s island from Man with the Golden Gun? Complete with the vats of liquid nitrogen and everything. And they’d show up and Bella would be like, “What’s with all the liquid nitrogen?” and Edward would go, “I honestly don’t know. The rental guy told me to ignore it.” I wish they did shit like that in movies, randomly. Maybe not in this movie. But in a better franchise.

Can someone throw her into a trunk?

Also, I’d much rather Mary Goodnight than Bella Swan.

At least Goodnight will occasionally fuck other people’s shit up with her stupidity, rather than cutting off a finger while spreading nutella.

Extra bloody.

Just how I like my diamonds.

Did she realize that was a human or something?

Or is she realizing that she’s gonna crave blood soon?

Oh, never mind. Morning sickness.

But wait… how long have they been here? Have they been here long enough for her to even get morning sickness?

You’re welcome for that screenshot everybody.

Colin:

She’s throwing up? Wait wait wait, what? Is this supposed to be MORNING SICKNESS? Is she pregnant?

It’s moments like this that are the reason I drink from faucets.

Why is there just a broken plank of wood just sitting there?

“In sickness and health.”

“Must have been the chicken.”

Yeah, sure.

Colin:

And yet, when she threw up, it looked like pure Sunny Delight.

Look at that goody bag.

Oh, I just realized. He’s gonna bite her while she’s giving birth, isn’t he?

Colin:

Oh my god. The obvious shot of the tampons and her realizing. If she’s like any girl I’ve ever met, she’d have noticed that already.

I’m pretty sure we’ve established that this is not a real person in any sense of the word.

Bella Swann is the epitome of Most Likely to Get Eaten by a Dinosaur.

I think she just realized it too.

“How many days has it been since the wedding?”

Fourteen.

She’s late.

“My period’s late.”

Thank you for clarifying. Not sure we all knew what late meant.

Colin:

This is also why we use some form of birth control. Goddamn it, Meyer.

And you’d think that Edward would be more in tune with when her period was than even Bella would be. That short time every month when her boobs get slightly larger and she smells DELICIOUS? Yeah, I’d expect him to be more on top of this than her.

You’re fucking kidding me, right?

Yes, look at your stomach. I’m sure that’ll show you something.

Why is touching your stomach the universal sign of being pregnant?

So apparently vampire babies grow quicker?

Is this Rosemary’s baby?

This is only gonna prove Anna Kendrick right.

Colin:

I sure hope she’s a vale-dick-torian about it.

Apparently it’s kicking already?

“Can this happen?”

Uhh… someone needs to explain to you how things work.

That’s totally Alice, who is going to congratulate her. You know it is.

Told you.

Colin:

Obviously, Alice has seen some shit. Shouldn’t she have seen this a little earlier? For that matter, did she see them fuck?

Why do you think she packed her bag?

And he’s freaking the fuck out.

Oh, because apparently this isn’t supposed to happen.

“Carlisle, I swear, something just moved inside me.”

Colin:

“I know this is impossible, but –” I’m gonna go ahead and stop you right there. If you KNOW something is IMPOSSIBLE…do I really need to continue? This is not how things are said.

I’m kinda hoping THE Impossible happened right now.

Colin:

Remember how nasty it was when Naomi Watts’ titty got sliced open? That was gross.

If I had a nickel…

“Is this even possible?”

I like that. Take the phone, get the facts.

Colin:

It’s been like 14 days…isn’t that WAY too soon for something to have moved? Oh, is it like, a special vampire baby?

And you though this franchise couldn’t get any better.

Super packing.

Colin:

So Edward speed-packs as she stands there all…pregnant.

This is basically all she does in the franchise. Stand there and make this face.

Not once have I ever seen her do anything of value.

Ever.

This Is Why White Women Suck.

What if they just cut to credits right now?

This would be their About Schmidt ending.

Colin:

This would be their merciful ending.

And she ain’t got no ass.

There is no value in this woman.

Zero.

Well, shit.

Colin:

Consuela came back to check on Bella? I never got this — what’s she REALLY think she’s gonna do? People always come back to check on shit that, if it HAS indeed gone badly, the person who’s come to check on it is going to wind up dead. Like, if this woman’s fears were confirmed, and Bella had been murdered by Edward, the odds are pretty low that Edward’s gonna be like, “Yup! I murdered her. So go tell your friends or whatever, and I’ll need you back here with some heavy-duty stuff for the carpet.” No, he’ll fucking kill you too. If you’re worried about petty crime or something like that, show up. If you’re worried about really bad stuff like murder, and you’re not prepared to kill someone yourself, you better call some authorities or leave it the fuck alone.

So the woman busts in like she owns the place, like Edward wouldn’t just kill her if he wanted to. She actually looks pissed to find Bella standing there unharmed.

Colin:

Uh…how about you just threaten this dumb bitch?

Colin:

“Maybe they have legends.” Right, so her people having legends will give her the power to touch Bella and know some shit about the situation? This bothers me. You say that this woman’s people have oral histories passed down from way back when, but all of a sudden that makes her an expert on everything that’s going down. Which, no you’re not. MY people have a story that’s been passed down about a dude named Paul Revere who rode from town to town telling everyone to get ready before ~~Ze Germans~~ the British got there. That doesn’t make me a skilled horseman who can warn people near and far about advancing troops. That’s called I HEARD A STORY, BUT I AIN’T NO EXPERT. I hate this lady. I hope Bella’s baby is a chestburster that kills her and this stupid fucking lady.

I know that story of Paul Revere.

It started way back in history.

With Adrock, M.C.A. and me — Mike D.

(Oh that’s right, bitches. I went there.)

Well shit.

Colin:

Was worried there for a second.

Apparently she knows what that means too.

“I’m not gonna let it hurt you.”

“Carlisle will get that thing out.”

YES! VAMPIRE ABORTION!

Colin:

Carlisle will get “that thing” out of her. It’s great because if you follow the dictionary definition, a baby fits the description of a parasite. But you don’t want to tell that to any expecting mothers.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

This is what it looks like on the way to an abortion.

This is exactly what it looks like on the way to an abortion.

Colin:

Oh, showing up in a BMW 7 Series. A little competition for Carlisle’s Mercedes S Class. I like it. Looks like a 750Li, the long wheelbase model. Good for a roll around in the back.

I like how we never see him handle money. They clearly have it, and clearly you’re about to pay a nice sum for this private charter, but we never see any vampire handle money.

Colin:

And this, by the way, is one of the differences between “rich” and “wealthy” that Chris Rock never touched upon. A rich person shows up and whips out a wad, or their card or whatever. A wealthy person shows up and shit is understood.

Edward even reaches into his pocket here, but we cut before he pulls anything out.

Colin:

If Edward was smart, he’d leave her in the back and take this jet to Whore Island.

Colin:

Notice that? The guy who’s getting their stuff out of the trunk doesn’t have to close the lid because it does it automatically. I love little stuff like that.

She calls Rosalie.

Colin:

What’s she calling Rosalie for? Why does anyone call Rosalie? I bet she just gets sexts from Emmett all day. That’s all her phone is for.

They should have five more minutes of transition shots in these movies and five less minutes of Jacob.

Colin:

Meanwhile, in Shitville…

♫ Fahoo Fores, Dahoo Dores… ♫

He says Bella caught “a bug.” They’re gonna wait until she feels better before traveling.

Colin:

She got a bug. I’m the only person around who avoids that word, aren’t I? It’s an illness, and ailment, a disease, or a something else. But it isn’t a bug. A bug is what Timon and Pumbaa eat.

You know who caught a bug? Vincent D’Onofrio in Men in Black.

He caught a bug.

Colin:

Son of a bitch. Remember when I made mention of Billabong during the first trial scene of our Goblet of Fire article, and you said you wouldn’t stand for it until we were getting paid? They got on the blog again, the sneaky bastards. There’s a Billabong sticker on the door.

“She’ll be okay, Charlie.”

Look at Wheels. He don’t like that these two are fucking.

“Motherfucker, stop leaving all the time.”

Colin:

Billy tells Jacob to “Let it go.” Let what go? Is what Charlie should be asking.

Colin:

Is he here to pick a fight? Not with Carlisle, I hope. Carlisle’s nice and he’s not featured enough in this franchise for me to dislike him.

“Listen, just give it to me straight.”

This sounds like a guy in the 40s going to a doctor.

“Give it to me straight, doc. How long do I have?”

Colin:

“It doesn’t look good. All this exercise has ruined you. It’s bed rest til we see an improvement. I’m putting you on two packs of Winchesters a day for your nerves, and three ryes every four hours. That’ll keep your cheeks rosy.” Ah, the 40s.

They used to give people sedatives all the fucking time back then.

“Oh, it’s just nerves, I’ll give you something to help you sleep.” Thanks, Conrad Murray.

Also, because I’ve watched so many old movies, I’m pretty sure I’m a certified obstetrician. Hot water and blankets. That’s all you need to deliver a baby.

And maybe Andy Devine to make a quip afterwards.

He hears Bella call for him.

Colin:

She’s here? It sounded like she was on speaker phone.

She’s been protected like Hyman fucking Roth.

Colin:

Why’s Rosalie blocking her? This is starting to feel like The Elephant Man.

HA HA HA She’s covering herself with her mother’s quilt.

Because THAT’S what that present was for!

Colin:

Oh, wow, she does look gross. Plus the bump. Ew.

“You look terrible.”

“It’s nice to see you too.”

Eww.

That’s this franchise in a nutshell.

Those three shots.

“You did this!”

Colin:

Fucking really. I can tell you it wasn’t Esme.

I can’t.

That’s how you stop a motherfucker.

No one knows what it is. Even Alice can’t see what it is.

Colin:

So they don’t know what the fuck it is, and clearly it can’t be killed by conventional weaponry, so that’s cool. Is it possible she’s pregnant with Keith Richards?

Oh, I get it. She told Rosalie that it was a baby, and since she wanted a family, she’s on her side. Meanwhile everyone else thinks it’s impossible.

Colin:

“I need to call Rosalie, cause only she will support my pro-life at all costs quest!” Goddamn it.

Goddamnit, Stephenie.

“Carlisle – you’ve gotta do something.”

Vampire Abortion!

It’s perfect. You already have the coffin!

“No! It’s not his decision. It’s not any of yours.”

Technically this is partly Edward’s decision too.

Man talk.

Colin:

Did they have to walk all the way out into the woods for this? This house has like 50 rooms and a garage.

Every major conversation in this franchise has to talk place in the woods.

It’s one of the rules.

Colin:

They’re more actual…guidelines, really.

Uh huh. And look what happened to the guide’s line at the end of New Moon.

“She thinks Carlisle can turn her at the last minute. Like he did for me and Esme.”

And Rosalie.

And Emmett.

But apparently they don’t matter.

The probability ain’t good.

He wants Jacob to talk to her and help her change her mind.

Colin:

So we’re getting more attempts at compassion between the two guys. Even though…yeah, I’m tapped out completely. I’ll be doing the fifth movie from a hospital bed if this keeps up.

“And if I can’t?”

“If she dies, you get what you always wanted.”

“To kill me.”

Isn’t it to fuck her?

Pretty sure he only really wants to kill him because he’s fucking her.

So it’s basically a win-win for him.

I like the self-confidence.

Colin:

I like…the recessed refrigerator? I’m really trying for the positives, folks.

And that little eyebrow wave. “She do got a nice ass, don’t she?”

“So Edward sent you in here to talk to me?”

He is that obvious, though. He never wants to talk to him and is suddenly like, “Hey, I need to talk to you,” and now Jacob’s suddenly in here to talk to Bella.

Colin:

I can’t figure out why anyone thinks I’d listen to this movie. These really are special circumstances. After seeing the first film of this franchise under any other circumstances other than these articles, the likelihood of me seeing the following four films is infinitesimal.

“I can’t understand why he thinks you’d listen to me, I mean, you never have before.”

Bella says some shit about a miracle or whatever. How she can feel “him.”

Colin:

The product of your MARITAL sex, which is STILL managing to kill you, is like “some miracle or something.” Plot-wise, this may be the worst film since the first. Every line that happens is a train wreck.

Jacob’s like, “Oh, so it’s a boy. My bad. I should have brought blue balloons.”

And then they cut to him just sitting there in the reverse shot. Way to maintain continuity.

She says she’s strong enough to do this.

“You can spout that crap to your bloodsucker, but you don’t fool me.”

Okay. Why not just say, “You can’t even handle a set of stairs without falling down them”?

“I can see what that thing’s doing to you.”

We all can.

Colin:

I don’t know what this weird math problem love triangle thing was that Jacob just spouted, but she sure does look like she’s dying. And at the rate this thing’s growing, I expect that it’s due soon. Then, considering that this is only Part 1, she’ll be alive for Part 2, meaning it all goes smoothly after all. Obviously.

And then he says, when she dies, what was the point of him loving her and her loving Edward?

What’s the point now?

“I know how this ends. And I’m not sticking around to watch.”

Colin:

This shit feels so overused. Even as a kid, watching The Matrix, where Neo’s getting out of the car and Trinity tries to stop him by telling him, “You’ve been down that road, Neo. You know where it ends. And I know that’s not where you wanna be.” But fuck that, cause they just put in a Chipotle down there and that’s EXACTLY where I wanna be.

Colin:

Shows how much he cares by leaving when she needs his support. Good for him. He should be well past this chick anyway.

Colin:

I don’t know what that is on the left, or if it’s a reflection of something or what, but it reminds me of the droid Acromantula from Revenge of the Sith.

Colin:

But gosh, what do you know? Everyone around Bella wants what’s best for her, and she’s the stubborn one who knows what she wants, even though she’s the young one who doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about half the time.

“I HAVE FEELINGS!”

Well that’s the end of that outfit.

Colin:

Jake just fucked up his bike and left his jacket with it in their yard. Nice of you.

WOLF O’VISION!

Please tell me a deer asshole will feature in whatever’s about to happen.

Of course. Fur.

Makes perfect sense.

(Or… perfect scents.)

So is he clawing at the hallucination? Because that’s… probably not good.

(Also… right?)

This is some Exorcist shit.

Demi, why you do this to me?

It looks like an alien is biting that fetus.

Colin:

He’s having visions while he does his speeder chase around Endor. Can he please get distracted and hit a tree?

And then we Enter the Void.

These are some cool shots, though.

Only I would find these shots.

Is he gonna get hit by a car?

Colin:

Or get hit by this truck?

REAR PROJECTION!

“Oh damn, was that a wolf?”

Is this a Twilight Bark?

Colin:

Wait, who are all these other wolf assholes now?

Who Are All These Other Wolf Assholes Now?

Colin:

How many of them ARE there? This is like the shittier, furrier version of when Chris Cooper mobilizes the assets in Bourne Identity. They’re just chilling and they get the text. Gone.

What’s the wolf version of an Entmoot?

Oh fuck, what a great location. All this timber.

More things set here.

There was that great chase scene in Insomnia on the timber trunks, and then there’s that really good 70s movie Sometimes a Great Notion with Paul Newman and Henry Fonda (which Newman directed), which is about a family of loggers.

Anyway, they all have a telepathic conversation about what an abomination it is and how they need to “protect” the tribe.

Colin:

So now they show up and we can just hear their thoughts? Okay. I guess we’re doing that now.

The alpha here says the baby won’t be able to control its thirst.

(Just like Lana Turner.)

Maybe they’ll have to put it in the cone of shame.

They’re gonna destroy it before its born.

Wolf abortion!

Colin:

Why do they know shit about this baby? Nobody knows shit about this baby, so why are they leaping to conclusions about how it’ll be a bloodthirsty monster?

When they phase back, do they have mud all over them?

FYI, we’re like an hour into this movie.

That’s all that’s happened so far. They got married, they fucked. Weird, non-fucking stuff, then pregnancy and wolf shit.

An hour.

And I’m not really sure if I dislike that.

Colin:

Wait til you guys see what happened to me when I came to this realization.

Then there’s this weird dick measuring contest.

Colin:

He’s sticking his tongue out!

I imagine this dude will be a villain and Jacob will have to take over the pack by movie’s end.

Or he’s gonna imprint on the baby to protect it.

Colin:

Or they’re about to kiss.

There you go. He refuses to do it.

“I am the grandson of a chief!”

Colin:

Wait, was that camera jiggery-pokery, or did he actually just grow? Did he just Garlic Jr?

Colin:

There is something impressive about how they were able to work in the, “Oh, goddamn. Uh oh” face on this wolf. Although, it’s all computers anyway. So whatever.