Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011), Part IV — “Fear Leads to Anger. Anger Leads to Hate. Hate Leads to Sparkling”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Breaking Dawn Part 1, Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fourth part of Breaking Dawn Part 1:

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We begin Part IV at not the end of the movie.

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So sayeth the lens flare.

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More fucking trees.

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Where do you keep getting clothes?

Colin:

That’s the joke of it all. If he didn’t keep ripping up all his clothes, they’d be in a mansion right now. Billy actually does pretty well, but all that money’s going towards keeping his son covered up.

Yeah, right, like they don’t make Scarface sit there and make clothes all day.

What’s the Native American word for sweatshop? Trail of Tears Mill?

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I don’t get it. So he broke away from the pack and is now just standing there because he doesn’t have a place in the world?

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So Seth came too.

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He completes him.

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Jacob tells him not to do this. Seth asks if he’s gonna make him go back. Jacob says he’s not ordering anyone to do anything. So Seth goes, “Great, so I’m staying.”

Colin:

Jacob’s trying to go it alone and Seth’s trying to come along. Maybe he’ll start to drown in the lake before Jacob pulls him into the boat.

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“If Sam comes after Bella, are you really ready to fight your own brothers?”

So this will be a…. Civil Wolf?

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“If it’s the right thing to do.”

Good for him. This motherfucker has a moral compass.

“Whatever.”

Colin:

This was starting to be meaningful or philosophical and then he goes, “Whatever.” Seriously, ALL OF THE OSCARS

Let’s remind everyone — the actor who plays Seth… his name is Booboo.

And they hang out in the woods all the time.

And we have not made one pic-i-nic basket joke.

Please respect our tremendous restraint.

Colin:

It is tremendous. We are tremendous. 

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And now he acts like the person in all these movies who is tagging along. “This is great. We’re together, a team!” and the other guy’s like, “Shut up, I’m just letting you tag along.”

One man… alone.

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Colin:

Still want that house. Very much.

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And now they communicate telepathically. He says they’re coming for Bella.

Colin:

It’s not telepathically, is it? I thought they were just speaking quietly from a distance, cause they both have super hearing.

No, they just stand there, and Edward reads his thoughts. That’s why this scene is so funny.

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Edward says they won’t touch her.

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This scene is so stupid. They’re literally standing there, looking at each other.

Colin:

So they can just have a normal conversation like this from like 100 yards away. That’s fun. Wish I could do that.

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She’s here too. She claims it’s to not let her little brother get killed.

But really, we know she wants the D.

Colin:

Did we consider the possibility that they’re distant cousins of Penelope’s?

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“Go away, Leah!”

See? He knows. Either that or he wants the D too.

Colin:

“Go away, I can take care of myself!” Holy shit, I wrote that before he said it. Not kidding. All. Of. The. Oscars.

All of the Oscars.

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Jacob asks if Sam sent her. She says Sam doesn’t even know she left. Which, is weird, since… they can all communicate telepathically.

Colin:

Wait, so now Sam’s the dick I have to hate? It’s like they ran out of the bad guys they produced in the baseball game (man, I wish I was joking about that) and now they’re just going through the roster of remaining characters. This is a soap opera.

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Squirrel!

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So, they know she’s gone, but she also knows what his plan is.

This is like when the alien communicated with Bill Pullman in Independence Day.

How can wolves do anything without the other figuring it out? This is weird. You can read Jacob’s thoughts when he’s jerking off to Bella.

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He’s got the place surrounded. Siege scenario. Gonna wait for his chance.

He used it in Nam. It’s pure torture.

Colin:

Wait, explain to me why they couldn’t get out in their cars? The Mercedes S Class? The model that Carslisle owns has a curb weight of 4,800 lbs with no passengers in it. I don’t care how strong the wolves are, they aren’t standing up to 5,000 lbs being accelerated by 525 horsepower. I’ve always wanted to work in the auto industry, and if I ever do, I’m going to see to it that all the cars I’m involved with have a button labeled “Ramming Speed.”

Carlisle says no fighting.

Which may be a problem, since none of them have hunted for weeks.

Colin:

Why hasn’t anyone hunted for weeks? There’s a lot of them. What’s Bella been eating? They much be hitting the store for her food. Would it be too much to go find some deer asshole?

Deer asshole is this franchise’s salted pork.

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So that’s it? They’re just gonna sit here and wait them out?

Okay.

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If he’s got the place surrounded, why not go out that way?

Colin:

Or take the Benz. Ramming Speed.

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Apparently they can’t hear the pack anymore. So when you’re not part of the pack, they take you off the mailing list.

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Oh shit, son. Get it on now.

He says he can’t trust her. She hates the Cullens, and doesn’t even like him.

Colin:

Let’s all be mean to Leah.

Let’s All Be Mean to Leah.

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She says she doesn’t have to like him. She just has to follow him.

Colin:

This is one of those lines where I have to think about it for a second to make sure it isn’t bullshit. Like one line in Casino Royale that really bugged me. Dimitrios is talking to Le Chifre, who tells him he can’t trust him anymore. And Dimitrios goes, “Then don’t. I only care about my reputation.” Which…you’re a contract terrorist. Isn’t trust a MAJOR part of your ‘reputation?’ They have to trust that you won’t fuck them over or give them up before they’ll hire you to do shit. That whole exchange made it sound like the writers were just trying to put in a suave line that would sound cool enough for people not to notice.

But that line does work back again later when White kills Le Chiffre and says how money isn’t as important as knowing who to trust. So that line could be more about Le Chiffre being more untrustworthy (since he is shown to be a shady banker who does very risky things with his clients’ money) than him, therefore making the reputation hit he’d take from being badmouthed by Le Chiffre not so bad.

It’s funny how easily I’ll talk a Bond movie I haven’t seen in almost a year faster than I will this movie. Here, you ask a question like that and I’m — “Uhh… It’s… I don’t fucking know. This is all dumb as shit.”

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Seth doesn’t want her here. And neither does he.

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“Being unwanted isn’t exactly a new thing for me.”

That was a nice line.

Colin:

Being unwanted isn’t a new thing for her. She does look like the type to hit and quit.

But Sam isn’t.

Case and point: Scarface.

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Silent treatment.

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“Look, I’ll stay out of your way. I’ll do whatever you want, except go back to Sam’s pack and be the pathetic ex-girlfriend he can’t get away from.”

Colin:

Oh, I forgot she’s Sam’s ex-girlfriend.

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“You don’t know how many times I wished I could imprint on somebody. Anyone. “

Colin:

How many times do we have to tell you? You can’t imprint unless you can jizz.

Look at her.

She can imprint.

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“Just to break the connection.”

And then he says “All right,” because he understands her.

Shit’s deep, guys.

Colin:

Yeah, I’m up to my ears in shit.

Can I make that the subtitle to this franchise?

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“I’m gonna do a perimeter run. You got my flank?”

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That’s a great nod.

Colin:

Oh, I thought that ‘all right’ was him giving her permission to imprint on him. And I was getting really worried she was gonna whip something out and spray on him.

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Colin:

I don’t think I fully understand tactics and formations. Cause she’s just running alongside him, maybe a few steps back. That’s a “flank?” Cause in battles, they’re always talking about flanking the enemy, and it seems like it’s just hitting them from the side. But in this case, they’d just be hitting Leah on her side, right? Or hitting Jacob from the OTHER side? I’m confused as to what purpose covering his “flank” serves in this context. With pilots, it makes sense cause your wingman covers shit behind you and from the sides as the leader pursues dudes. If an enemy shows up behind you, the wingman can peel off and dogfight with him, or he can fall back and take him out as the bad guy’s trying to shoot down the leader. But they don’t even have a target they’re pursuing right now. 

Too bad they don’t use old school methods to kill vampires, otherwise she’d be the… flank stake.

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This bitch is awful. She gets to sit here, being pampered, and everyone else is on the verge of death for her. And all because she wouldn’t give up the demon spawn inside her.

Colin:

Think about it. The Twilight universe is different from our own in only a few ways. Abortions don’t happen, but apparently you can change colleges on short notice anytime you like.

But it’s similar to our own in that NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS.

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Yeah… this shot…

But seriously… she just fucking lays there.

I hate her.

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Soon.

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Well this’ll be good.

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Yahoo looks nothing like that.

Colin:

I can’t believe Yahoo is a thing these days. It’s still pretty big in Asia. South Korea and places like that. The CEO (Marissa Mayer) left an exec position at Google to take the top spot at Yahoo, which is really a lot like stepping down as the mayor of New York City and becoming the governor of Delaware. This is my favorite thing — Yahoo has almost 57,000 followers on Google+. I can’t begin to express how sad it is that they broadcast that.

You think they occasionally go find Geocities in an alley somewhere, drinking itself to death?

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Colin:

That’s what you should do. Google stuff. Creepy stuff. Google has all the answers. (This was before I noticed it was Yahoo, which is probably why they ended up with none of the answers.)

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All… right.

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I hope she has that one.

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A horse watching demon Batman sit on a woman’s titties.

That’s what this is.

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So much to analyze with this picture. So much. Guy with the little dick on the right. guy playing a femur like a flute on the right,  guy playing a severed arm like a flute in the center, “Alas, poor Yorick, I ate him,” the guy in the back who realized what was going on and is running away like a frightened gay man, the harp/ribcage player, tits lady who is calling the garcon for some more coffee, lady with the shaved bush down at the bottom, and the weird fact that they’re cooking their dead person.

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That’s a cool painting.

Colin:

WHOA WHOA WHOA wait a minute. You don’t just toss that shit out. This has NOTHING to do with what you’re talking about or searching for (thanks, Yahoo!) and you’re just borrowing its coolness. I’ve got a degree in fucking East Asian Studies (there’s a money-maker), you think I wouldn’t recognize Sōma no Furudairi (or “Takiyasha the Witch and the Skeleton Spectre” in English)? This is a scene from a baller story.

This dude, Taira no Masakado, tried to rebel against the emperor in the 930s, but it didn’t go well and he got killed. His daughter — Takiyasha-hime — was supposed to be a sorceress who lived in the ruined Sōma Imperial Palace. When these dudes from the government showed up looking to kill the rest of Masakado’s family, she summoned a giant skeleton to fuck them up.

I love Japanese history from the 800s to the 1100s. It was just powerful dudes with entourages having concerts and poetry writing contests and shit like that. And everyone was sleeping with everyone else. If you have like 10 months free, read The Tale of Genji. The best and most recent translation is 1100 pages, and the whole thing is the story of a prince who fucks bitches and ruins lives.

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FYI, in case you weren’t sure.

Immortal vampire children.

Not sure it wasn’t apparent.

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Great zoom!

Holy shit, more zooms to that exact image.

Colin:

This might have to come back. He’s like, “Hm! That IS a pickle!”

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Yes, pretend like you didn’t just see what he was reading.

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Esme made sandwiches.

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“Oh boy, SANDWICHES!”

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Leah does not trust the pale face.

Colin:

Leah’s being a bitch and not accepting food. I guess she wants to fit into some double-zero cut-off jean shorts.

WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T WANT SANDWICHES

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“Hmm.”

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Colin:

Why is Esme’s hair black now?

She likes her hair the way she likes her men.

Dyed.

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How does that house not get fucked up in the rain?

How much lacquer did that take?

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Her lung is cracked.

What is she, having a grown up?

Colin:

She has a broken rib from this thing? Fuck. I bet she has crazy stretch marks.

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He’s still upset.

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The fetus isn’t compatible with her body.

He says her heart will give out before she can deliver.

Colin:

Carlisle seems to have gained some face mass since the first movie. What’s up there? Oh, right. He’s talking about how it’s killing her. I should pretend to be interested.

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“Then I’ll hold on as long as I can.”

I don’t think you understand.

Colin:

I hope you’re all taking notes, guys. Sex WILL get you pregnant and that WILL kill you. Also, birth control and abortion are strictly forbidden. Any questions?

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“Bella, there are some conditions that even venom cannot overcome.”

Like Spider-Man?

Boom. Nailed it!

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I love when they do movie pregnancies. They keep their arms and thighs the same size, as if that’s what happens during pregnancy.

Colin:

Edward’s saying he’s gonna kill the baby? Yeah, now I’m a bit more interested.

I like how the priorities have shifted. Now I’m not paying attention.

I’m looking at her creepy fucking legs and the Minas Tirith tree in the background and hoping they all Denethor right now.

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I like how she keeps assuming it’s a boy.

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Wow. He just yelled. That’s a first. I like it. Emotion.

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to sparkling.

Colin:

WHOA, someone’s using an outdoor voice inside! I have to say, I had a positive reaction to this because with all the low talking and quiet between Edward and Bella, I thought I was gonna flatline before her. I’m glad he did some yelling, finally.

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“Bella, we’re supposed to be partners, remember? But you decided this on your own, you decided to leave me.”

He’s kind of right. But he’s also kind of being a bitch. Since this is a movie. It doesn’t have the balls to kill her.

Colin:

Good for him. Be a little selfish for once. And Bella, stop being a douche.

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Seriously, look at her legs. Who would ever believe she was actually pregnant?

Colin:

Well, pregnant with a baby that’s sucking the life out of her? Yeah.

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Colin:

That room.

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I HAVE A LOT OF EMOTIONS!

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She’s only bit her lip once in this movie.

You think she’s gonna do it when she’s a vampire?

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Are they gonna give birth in the tub? That would be awesome.

Colin:

Ew, no it wouldn’t be. They’d have to bleach the fuck out of that tub. Actually, new tub.

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Colin:

Oh no, she’s taking a bath. Not into this.

But seriously, I hope she Natalie’s.

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Oh man, here comes the CGI.

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Colin:

OH NO NO NO NO NO there are few things more disgusting than a pale white chick’s vertebrae and shoulder blades. Look at her shoulders! They’re POINTY! This is GROSS! How can they not help this? Just have her CONSTANTLY eat double quarter-pounders. That baby will either die or be slaked, one or the other.

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Oh, I can already tell you don’t have the balls to do the shot that should have been.

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You don’t even have the balls to show the shot that shouldn’t be.

This franchise sucks.

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“Don Corleone…”

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Oh shit, football?

I literally just went from yawning to, “Hold on, now.”

Colin:

Oh, well that’ll get everyone in a good mood! The game!

Also, now Washington is playing THE TROJANS!

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING WITH YOUR FOOTBALL METAPHORS?!!!

Colin:

It’s funny to me that people know about football. And baseball. And basketball. And hockey. And wrestling.

But mostly hockey.

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They’re legit watching the game, too.

I like that they’re watching television.

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Honestly, if they played out these scenes while focusing on Alice the entire time, I’d be okay with that.

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She’s cold. Jacob warms her up.

Colin:

I see that NEW ARCHITECTURE book.

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“Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“Smile like I’m your favorite person in the world.”

“It feels complete when you’re here, Jake.”

Com-plete!

That’s all I got.

It’s either that or risking a stroke.

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Here it comes.

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False alarm. Too much time left in the movie.

Colin:

She’s got dry heaves? Oh, and Esme says they need to find some way to get food into her system. You know, Esme, this may come as a complete shock, but there’s a big hole at the bottom of your face that’s been earmarked for just that purpose.

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I hope the final shot of this movie is a vampire baby coming out of her vagina, on camera, and opening its fangs right into the lens as we cut to black.

I’d fucking applaud.

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Alice says if she could see the fetus, maybe she could figure out what it wants.

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Light bulb.

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And now he knows.

“Jacob has an idea.”

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“It wasn’t an idea. It was a snide comment.”

I like that response.

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They ask what he’s thinking. We knew that shit twenty minutes ago.

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Oh, but wait. That’s not the idea. He said the fetus was “probably looking for something to sink its teeth into.”

Colin:

Mmm. Cheeseburger.

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“He’s thirsty.”

Colin:

Oh, it wants blood. Is she gonna have to drink it? Is it drinking hers?

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They all are.

PLEASE LET THAT BABY EAT A BABY DEER ASSHOLE

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It’s not gonna want animal blood.

GODDAMNIT EDWARD WHY ARE YOU KILLING MY DREAMS

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I like that Carlisle just has some human blood on tap.

(Holy shit, there’s an idea. Blood bar tap.)

Colin:

Carlisle had blood in the house this whole time? Jasper’s like, “YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU HAD WHAT IN THIS HOUSE” and Alice just gets him the fuck out of there. Cause she knows her man has no self control.

I’m still confused as to why Jasper has no self-control. He’s been off the stuff for the better part of a century.

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She’s gonna have to drink it, too.

THIS IS AWESOME.

And Jacob leaves because he’s “gonna be sick.”

Colin:

Wait, why is JACOB gonna be sick? I guess Mr. Macho is only cool with blood on the big screen. He’s not much better than Movie Mike.

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“I’ll try anything.”

Sometimes things are too easy.

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A HA HA. HE PUT IT IN A TO-GO CUP

Colin:

Don’t they all want this? This has to be some solid self-control for the rest of them, since they’ve all been starving this whole time.

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But it is a good idea. The straw allows you to build tension.

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See?

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“It tastes…”

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“Good.”

Love the bloodstain on her teeth.

Colin:

Hey Mikey, I think she likes it.

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This reminds me of The Patriot, with the teeth.

(Maybe this will end like The Patriot. With the church.)

Colin:

That’s when they closed the Ledger on that movie.

All’s well that ends well.

But seriously… you’re in a Heath of trouble if you don’t know what we’re talking about.

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I don’t think anyone was expecting you to enjoy it this much.

She took to blood the way she took to the dick.

Colin:

But as far as we know, this is the only thing she’s sucked so far.

Can someone photoshop a picture of Bella with sparkle dripping down the corners of her mouth?

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So apparently that’s all it took.

Colin:

Is Carlisle stealing this from the hospital? Blood is pretty valuable in hospitals, cause you know….they need it for shit other than drinking.

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The trash guy is gonna be interested as fuck when he comes to pick that up.

Colin:

Really, Edward? You’re not even gonna lick the bag? There’s some left in there.

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Time to talk to Charlie.

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She pretends like she’s still ill with a deathly bug, but is also totally cool and that it’s not anything for him to worry about.

Colin:

Does Charlie not have caller ID? It’s fucking 2011, isn’t it? Who doesn’t have caller ID?

The Chief of Police of Forks, Washington, that’s who!

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She says she’s going to a medical center in Switzerland.

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What, you think this’ll break his heart? Compared to the three times you’ve done this to him already?

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Naturally, he’s upset because he loves his daughter.

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And he’s banging her.

Colin:

CHARLIE’S GETTIN TAIL and also there’s something else going on in this scene, probably on the phone or something. I think there was a phone. But the takeaway here is that Charlie’s getting some action.

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She says it’s more like a spa. She wants him to picture her healthy. “Like I was.”

Colin:

Wouldn’t you…not say that? She’s trying to convince her dad that she’s okay, and the “was” adds some serious contrast to her healthy self.

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I would feel bad, but she’s done this already.

Colin is right. The takeaway is that Charlie is getting some action.

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The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 952

Colin:

It’s just now sinking in (Mike note: Pun!) that I’m 82 minutes into this 117 minute movie, and that the whole thing is going to be their honeymoon, her pregnancy and the eventual birth. Since Sam’s pack is bad, there’ll be a fight. But other than that, there’s not gonna be anything else. And with that, I’m going to go to the bar. To you guys, I’ll be back in a jiffy — just in time for my next snide remark. But know that I’ve had plenty to drink in the interim. That’s actually my Native American name. Drinks Many Beers. So I’ll be back.

I want all of you to know — this was not something that was said for effect.

Here’s an email I received later that night:

Colin:

“I just want you to know that there’s gonna be a part about 3/4 the way through Breaking Dawn Part 1 where it says I literally have to take a break and go to the bar to drink because this movie is too much for me to handle all at once. And I say goodbye and everything.

And you should know that it’s true. Maybe the readers will think it’s for effect, but I was dead serious. I made it til about 10pm thinking I was staying in and finishing it, and I got to around minute 82 and had to stop. I went to the bar and ended up drinking more than I told myself I would, too. 

It was amusing. Two guys that I’ve met like twice before in the same place were like, “Oh, you seem like the weak type. I bet you don’t do well with alcohol.” And they bought me a 500ml beer (like a pint glass) as encouragement to drink more or whatever. I went along with it. So it comes, and they go back to talking for a few seconds. Meanwhile, I drain it in six seconds. I counted. And they hadn’t been listening or watching, so when I put the empty tankard down on their table like seven seconds later, they were like, “THE FUCKKKKKK?!” And I just said, in English, “Next?”

I love it when Japanese people underestimate me when it comes to booze. Cause they have no fucking idea. No fucking idea.

They thought I was weak because I was a bit pink. It wasn’t til after this episode that the proprietor told them that I’m pink pretty much 24/7 and that he’s seen me drink a half bottle of cognac by myself. The timing of these statements was key.

Anyway, that’s just what happened between that line of Breaking Dawn Part 1 notes and the next. Which is happening now. I’m back, and buzzed. It’s 1:50am. Let’s Twilight.”

We only put the finest breast milks product on this blog for you fine people.

We take this shit seriously.

Like college.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 953

Is there supposed to be something deep about that choice of books?

Colin:

Frida Kahlo. What an awful monobrow. I heard she painted, too.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 954

He can hear the baby’s thoughts.

They have some bullshit conversation before this, but I ignored it completely because they play the ripoff Casino Royale score over it.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 955

“Say something else.”

“Like what?’

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 956

“He likes the sound of your voice.”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 957

“You can hear him?”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 958

“He likes my voice as well.”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 959

“I thought he was like me, but he’s not, he’s like you. Good, and pure, and happy.”

She is none of these things.

Colin:

“I thought he was like me, but he’s not, he’s like you.” Retarded? Is this a Forrest Gump reference? (I had drinks, you guys!)

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 960

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 961

“He’s happy.”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 962

She tells the fetus in her stomach that she loves it.

It seems weird when you write it this way.

Colin:

It amuses me greatly when people refer to a baby as being in a woman’s stomach. For whatever reason, it makes me think of one of my favorite Muppet Show sketches as a kid, from the Vincent Price Halloween episode on the first season.

Is that not where babies are?

If they’re talking through the stomach — the baby is in the stomach.

Though it is funny to think that they’re talking to their uterus.

It’s funny how women get nine months to talk to their uterus and let other people do it, but I talk to my dick one time and it’s, “Oh my god, what are you doing?! This is Claire’s!”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 963

The fetus loves her back.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 964

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 965

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And it’s all happy and shit.

Excuse me while I go involuntarily masturbate.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 967

Oh, but now there’s this shit to contend with.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 968

Let the Wolf One In.

Colin:

I should still say…I want this place as my summer house. This place is dope. I mean, I want to live in the city usually, but for a getaway? Goddamn. Like pretty much anyone who makes any sense at all, Fallingwater is my go-to, but that seems out of reach. Actually, I’m good with a lot of different places. Those of you who have read our James Bond articles know how much of a boner I have for architecture. The ideal for the B+ Movie Blog would be to strike it rich and movie into the Stahl House (Case Study House #22) to write the blog and watch movies — and some of you may recognize this as the house featured in the first Columbo episode/film, Prescription: Murder. Although, if I was moving back to the States, I’d want something sort of secluded and Japanese, as well. My personal favorite at the moment is Sebastian Mariscal’s Wabi House. I’d live in this place like whoa. Just in case you were interested in architecture and don’t give a shit about Twilight. But I like the Cullens’ place, and particularly the exterior. The second floor section is all done in exposed timber to tie it into the landscape, but the first and third floors’ concrete construction really makes it a contemporary structure. For me, it’s the second floor overhang that does it for me; this bit is orgasmic. It reminds me of other movie buildings I’m crazy about, like the [fake] Vandamm house from North By Northwest. Anyway, if you’re interested in the Cullens’ house, it’s called the Hoke House, and I highly recommend checking it out. Back to Jacob walking up the stairs.

(Sorry, guys. I was drunk when I wrote this.)

Do we even need a disclaimer at this point?

Especially for this franchise.

We should just warn people when we were sober when we wrote something.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 969

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 970

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A ha. You lose. Good day, sir.

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They’re down to one pack of blood left. Bella is gonna need more blood. And Carlisle needs to feed.

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Jacob says they’ll attack them. They don’t care.

Colin:

Listen to Jacob trying to sound all authoritative. Doesn’t really work, does it?

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“You’ll risk your lives for her?”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 975

“Of course we would. Bella’s a part of our family now.”

But you’d have done it before, too. Like in the last three movies. How is this any different? Why is this a bigger deal?

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 976

He knows what he has to do.

Colin:

Can we can it with the drama?

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 977

Hooray, tribal drums!

Hooray, racial sensitivity!

Colin:

What’s with the score, by the way? All these weird drums and stuff…it’s like this was a martial arts movie or something.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 978

He wants to talk.

Colin:

OOOH HE SPIT AT YOU YOU GONNA TAKE THAT SON?

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 979

He wants Sam to take the other two back.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 980

“What? No way!”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 981

“Shut the fuck up.”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 982

This will always amuse me, when someone butts in and are told sternly to shut the fuck up.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 983

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 984

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 985

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 986

The chase is on.

Colin:

Damn, look at them. They’re gonna run clear across the great state of Alabama.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 987

He says he’ll be the one to destroy the baby.

(But after the baptism.)

Colin:

Why is Jake the only one who CAN kill the baby?

Oh, he’s the only one who can get close enough, cause they trust him. But then, in offering this plan up, the wolves are gonna trust him a bit, too. So there’s that.

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The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 989

Colin:

This image makes it look like she’s a centaur.

Honestly, this shit is so dark in the screenshots, I don’t even care what’s going on. I’d rather be passed out right now.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 990

Esme is down.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 991

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 992

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 993

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 994

Carlisle just punched a wolf in the face!

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 995

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 996

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 997

Tally ho!

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 998

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 999

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 1000

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 1001

“You played us!”

Colin:

A HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 - 1002

Really? That was his plan? That’s not a plan. That’s…

And that’s where we’ll END PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and BABY TIME.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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