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Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2011), Part I — “All the Shitty Has Built to This”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today we start Breaking Dawn Part 2.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the first part of Breaking Dawn Part 2:

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Interesting. Rushing into this one.

Colin:

It’s so very nearly over. I can almost taste it. We’re going to finish this and move onto something so much better. Whatever it ends up being.

We could move onto Adam Sandler movies and it would still be better than this.

(Which — wow — what if we actually did that?)

(Or even better — what if we did Cage movies?)

Colin:

I wanna do Face/Punch.

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And doing a double logo.

Apparently this is supposed to be important.

Colin:

Look at that. Trees. Didn’t see that coming.

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I like how we’re repeating shots from the first movie, but making them better by coloring over them.

Colin:

They’re reusing plenty of locations from previous movies in these opening credits. I’m also not liking the red to white credit thing at all. It’s bugging me.

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They also go full on credits here. Everyone gets a title.

Colin:

Booboo Stewart? That’s a person? The kid who plays Seth is called Booboo Stewart? No.

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Colin:

This opening credit sequence is trying to be a bad Bond movie.

What if it was trying to be a good one?

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This looks like someone jizzed all over the film.

Which is an impossibility.

Not because someone could manage to get into the editing room, be left alone with the strips of film, and masturbate til completion on them and then have that exact strip of film be printed exactly as it was after the ejaculate was all over it, but because they don’t use film strips anymore.

And that’s sad.

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After a while, it starts to look like House.

Colin:

It does make you feel a Massive [heart] Attack coming on.

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I actually kind of like the score here, and how the credits start to deteriorate as we get further into them.

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Though at a certain point, the score does get shitty. I liked piano and melodic, but full orchestra and trying to sound operatic is pretty laughable.

Do you guys really still think this is a saga?

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Colin:

Oh, but I like when leaves and stuff get crystallized super fast. That’s some stuff they do on Planet Earth and Frozen Planet and stuff.

I Like It When This Franchise Reminds Me of Other Things

Is basically the prevailing theme of us watching these movies.

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I do like what he did with the horns, though.

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Colin:

Stephenie Meyer gets her own separate producer credit.

I like how that was presented without comment. It’s so much better that way.

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Colin:

This is the part where Tina Turner’s wailing her ass off. “GOOOOOOLDEN EYE!”

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This is the part where I pray a shiv comes into frame and we hear screaming over black seconds later.

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Well… that didn’t waste any time.

At least there’s no gap between the two movies.

Unless we’re counting her vagina.

Colin:

So, recap. She had her kid, almost died, got pumped full of juice by Edward and woke up a vampire. And now here we are. She’ll never eat food again.

That’s actually a sad subtitle. She’ll Never Eat Food Again.

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Oh, good. She can see dust.

Colin:

Still one of the funniest jokes from college.

Guy’s watching TV when his wife walks in and asks, “Oh, what’s on the television?”

“Dust.”

Still funny, too.

Also cannot explain how I hate misogyny but love misogynist humor.

Probably the same reason why I don’t mind rape.

Colin:

I think you mean rape jokes.

What did I say?

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It is objectively pretty funny that the first thing she sees after turning into a vampire is dust.

Because this is Stephenie Meyer we’re talking about.

You know Bella is going to be a vampire housewife.

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A song kicks in here, and it’s really annoying.

Colin:

This music…sucks. I see I have to go through the paces.

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Colin:

This is her…hearing books, or whatever.

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Is the vase sweating?

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So… they glued a bunch of book pages together and drew a white tree over it.

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Of course that’s the word she sees.

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All right. We fucking get it.

Colin:

The other thing is — something like this should potentially bother the vampires who actually LIVE here, cause they can all see this shit. Makes you wonder how Edward wasn’t grossed out when he could see the sweat coming out of her pores and the shockwaves as she tried to rip ass discretely.

Which goes back to… when she was on her period…

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I actually like the camera tricks here.

Maybe cause the DP is the guy who did Pan’s Labyrinth.

Colin:

This was Guillermo Navarro? They got an Oscar-winning cinematographer to do these movies? Wow.

On an unrelated note, last week this douche was talking about how Deakins ain’t shit and deserved to lose the Oscar to Miranda for Life of Pi. And although I know the world is full of morons, I still couldn’t help but feel a bit down.

Back to Twilight. Aw, man.

(Not to take away from the brilliant segue back that is “Back to Twilight. Aw, man,” but the antithesis of that opinion is Christopher Doyle. And colorfully so, too. That should pick you right back up.)

(Now back to Twilight. Aw, man.)

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I actually like this shot, too.

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Jesus.

Colin:

No, no, Edward. I know a lot of girls like to THINK he’s Jesus, but…

Can we crucify him?

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Visually, I’m totally on board with this movie.

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Never thought I’d be saying that.

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Fuck this song, though.

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Just gonna guess… is the first line of this movie gonna be “Forever”?

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“You’re so beautiful.”

All… right.

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Wouldn’t it be funny if this actually went Bride of Frankenstein, though?

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“We’re the same temperature now.”

A HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Way to ruin everything immediately.

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So literally the only way to get you into a dress like that was over your dead body.

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Apparently she got that super strength now.

Colin:

She’s strong? Oh, right. Cause she just became a vampire and she’s got blood going on. I don’t like their term for recently changed vampires, so I’ll leave it at that.

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Change of focus — I’m really liking the visuals here.

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“It’s your turn not to break me.”

A HA HA HA HA. I can’t. This is so much funnier now that I’ve seen all the other movies.

We’ve been building up to this!

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Did she just grab his dick?

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“I love you.”

Yeah… odds were even that was gonna be her first line.

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“I love you.” He says, and finally his ability to seem in pain with every delivery is coming in handy.

(Also — coming in handy… quite the unintentional pun that we use pretty often in everyday conversation. You’re welcome for that, everyone.)

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Where is the rest of the family?

Colin:

So how about the baby? Are we going to see the baby?

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“Let’s go fuck.”

“Renesmee.”

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“She’s incredible.”

Why did you laugh before you said that?

Colin:

“HAHAHA RIGHT the baby that you had that almost killed you just a few days ago!”

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“Where is she? I have to see her.”

I think we can all agree that Bella Swan’s biggest accomplishment is doing all of this before age 19 without a reality show.

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“You need to get your thirst under control.”

Right… but she also wants to see her child. Maybe it can wait five minutes.

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Wow, he mentions it and ALL OF A SUDDEN you get thirsty?

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“You need to hunt.”

I’d have said something to her, but it wouldn’t have been that. It rhymes with that, though.

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WAIT A MINUTE DOES THAT MEAN THE DEER ASSHOLE IS COMING BACK

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oh my god please have the deer asshole come back i will be so happy

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This shot, and the accompanying sound effect, are exactly the kind of crackheads Dave Chappelle was talking about in that joke.

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Colin:

A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA nooooo oh my god.

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I hope she can’t control her direction and gets Sonny Bono’d right now.

Colin:

I hope she can’t control her hormones and gets Chaz Bono’d right now.

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GODDAMNIT SO CLOSE!

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Uh oh. Here comes the sparkle.

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This CG is so bad. I thought you had money now.

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Are you high? What was that about?

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“Whoa, a flower.”

And back to running.

Colin:

She keeps on looking to the side as she runs over uneven ground. Is she gonna hit a tree? Please let her hit a tree. She’s way too good at this stuff to begin with. She should have to go through that phase where she’s clumsy with shit.

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GODDAMNIT WE GET THAT SEE CAN SEE TINY SHIT ALREADY

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Departed ending Departed ending

Colin:

I know exactly how you said that, too.

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So what’s the over/under on lip biting as a vampire? Should we set a line now?

Colin:

Wait, was she not just about to run through a spider web?

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Colin:

This is some crap. Look how winded he is. Remember the commercials for Gatorade with Michael Jordan competing against Mia Hamm in various sports? And she was all, “I do shit better than you!” Right. That’s why you went from Mia to MIA and he went from living god to living god who can rock a HITLER MUSTACHE WHILE SELLING UNDIES.

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Are they racing?

Colin:

They’re going way faster than the wolves ever did.

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Yeah, sure. Go jump on a tree in that dress.

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That would be the worst unintentional tally ho. Right over a waterfall.

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That mountain face looks like an orc.

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Uhh… is this hunting?

Colin:

I can’t decide if this is going to be a shot of the Fellowship passing through some hills outside Lorien, or a shot of Butch and Sundance running from “those guys.”

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“Close your eyes.”

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KALI MA!

(A man can dream, right?)

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“What do you hear?”

Is he gonna pull out his dick? Because he should.

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Colin:

squirrel

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YES!

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OH MY GOD PLEASE DO IT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS

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Colin:

Great rise into the frame.

“Look sir, droids!”

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Oh, it’s time.

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Oh it’s fucking time.

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I have never been more excited to see a deer’s asshole in my life.

Colin:

Deer asshole. Let us sup on deer asshole.

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WHY WOULD YOU GO HUNTING IN THAT DRESS

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What the fuck?

“GRR — huh?”

Colin:

Oh, she smells something better. Chipotle?

Which one?

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This person is an asshole.

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Oh, I get it. She’s smelling a climber.

Naturally.

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Why the fuck would you do this?

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WHAT THAT SMELL LIKE

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Colin:

This dude’s FUCKED. Not because of Bella. Because he’s gonna fall to his death one of these days.

Is it weird that I’m more creeped out by the hair around the cut than I am the cut itself?

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“Bella, don’t.”

Fuck that, YES, Bella, DO!

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Oh but shit this means no deer asshole.

They better fucking come back to that, otherwise I’m gonna be pissed as shit.

Don’t you deprive me of my deer asshole.

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Yeah, I’m sure that dress’ll stay like that the entire time.

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Not gonna lie — I laughed the first time I saw this.

Because any kind of believability this franchise had went right out the fucking window the minute I saw Kristen Stewart leap like this.

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Colin:

She’s trying out new shit not knowing her boundaries. She never knew what Edward’s limits were, and she’s just flying up cliff faces.

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But seriously, though — how fucking ridiculous is this?

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This guy doesn’t even fucking know.

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Yeah right — he got there before she got to the climber.

(Also… you know what this looks like?)

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Seriously — she’s wearing that dress.

This is as believable as when a woman wears heels while running away from explosions and shit and being chased on foot by people.

Okay.

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“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there’d be people this far from the trails.”

THERE ARE TRAILS?!!

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How did he not notice any of this?

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“I have to get out of here.”

(Mad face.)

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“I can help you.”

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Colin:

That’s an excessive tally ho.

The amount of subtitles we’re going to have for this one part…

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“Or not.”

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That’s an excessive reaction.

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YES! RETURN OF THE DEER ASSHOLE!

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Holy shit I am so happy right now you guys have no idea.

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YES!! A HA HA HA HA I’m laughing so hard I’m crying right now they literally brought the deer asshole back this has come full circle

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Oh shit yeah. Bring on the competition. Where’s David Attenborough to narrate this shit?

Colin:

I’d me more upset if they brought him in than I was when she recited Robert Frost.

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Oh, this is gonna be good.

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Colin:

I like kitties.

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Tally ho into a mountain lion.

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Colin:

Oh my dear lord. Mike said I was going to spend the first part of this movie laughing my ass off. And he was right. She just tackled a mountain lion, and it was hilarious. Is this supposed to be serious?

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How is she gonna take down a mountain lion wearing that dress and there’s not a single vag shot?

Kristen Stewart can’t even get out of a car without showing her vag.

Colin:

Really? See, I hadn’t even heard of her til we started doing these articles. I just knew that Twilight was Pattinson and the buff guy who can’t find a shirt. That’s how little I knew about Twilight going into this. 

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She want that purple stuff.

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Colin:

This thing looks more like Bat Boy than a mountain lion.

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This face.

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Colin:

That blood spurt was fantastic. So what, the venom doesn’t do anything to animals? Could there be a vampire mountain lion? Cause that’s on the same level as like…Sharktopus.

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ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD!

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Deer Asshole Into the Sunset.

That was the most satisfying character arc in this franchise.

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So apparently he’s proud of her. She ran away from human blood and hunted. Seems like she’s advanced for her vampire age.

Colin:

She may be a vampire, but her legs still have no shape whatsoever. And now they never will.

Actually, here, it looks like she only has one.

Thumbs up to get this bitch a leg.

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She looks like Mary Louise Parker and it’s creeping me out.

I don’t want Kristen Stewart to remind me of an actress I respect.

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Look who it is!

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“You’re still here.”

WHERE THE FUCK WOULD HE BE?!

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“So are you.”

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“Didn’t expect you to seem so – you.”

First of all, stop smiling like an idiot.

Colin:

That statement goes unsaid more often than not, but just know that I want him to stop smiling like an idiot all the time.

Second of all – does she seem like her? I haven’t seen a single lip bite yet and she hasn’t fallen and sliced open a tendon. She’s hardly “her.”

Colin:

He doesn’t hate her, surprisingly. You’d think he’d be lamenting her change or whatever.

Apparently now that he jizzed on that baby, he doesn’t have all that pent up aggression.

Colin:

I’ve been the only one acknowledging that he jizzed on the baby until now. But Mike dropped the euphemism, cause that’s exactly what he did.

Which sucks, because who’s gonna call her out now for being such a cunt?

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Us.

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“Except for the creepy eyes.”

I like how everything’s cool between them now that he became obsessed with her child.

That line was just written, by the way.

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“I’d keep my distance, for now.”

So… a werewolf… keep your distance. But a mountain climber who is bleeding – totally cool?

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“It’s safer for the baby to see how you do with me first.”

I will allow that line. Character wise, I will allow it.

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“Since when do you care about Renesmee?”

Colin:

Oh…she doesn’t know.

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That’s the look. Shiv to the kidneys, black bag over the head – one way ticket to Saudi Arabia!

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“All right… take a whiff.”

Wait, did we just skip over the baby thing? I feel like that was an important thing to explain to her.

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Does he smell like wet dog. I bet he smells like wet dog.

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“Well I can see what everyone’s been talking about.”

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“Jake, you really do stink.”

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Colin:

Now they all laugh with one another. I have no feelings.

As you fools make your silly jokes, I stare at you blankly. For I am indifferent.

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“You guys… really look great together.”

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Stop smiling like an idiot, Pattinson.

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“You wanna come meet our daughter?”

Well that was an unintentionally fucked up thing to say.

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He was run-ning!

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So, when she’s 35, this kid is gonna be 17. FYI.

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Did Esme change her hair?

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“Welcome to the family.”

Don Corleone.

Colin:

Shouldn’t they all have been around Bella, waiting for her to get up? Or be okay, or whatever?

I also like, “Welcome to the family,” as if she wasn’t part of the family by the time they played baseball.

(Remember that baseball game? This whole franchise basically revolves around that baseball game.)

Or when they got married.

It’s pretty fucked up that only now they’re welcoming her to the family.

Colin:

I think this is an official “vampire” family thing. They’ve referred to her as family on several occasions already, but this is where it’s locked in.

That’s pretty fucked up that the only “real” way she could be part of the family was by becoming a vampire. That’s like when the Asian girl graduates from med school top of her class and creates a cure for something, and then her father goes, “Now I can finally call you my daughter.”

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This house is way too clean, and it’s creepy.

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“You look amazing, Bella.”

Your boobies look nice too, Alice.

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“Someone’s been waiting to meet you.”

Wow, he looks like middle aged Patrick Bateman here and it’s scaring the shit out of me.

Colin:

His skin tone could be described as “bone.” Emmett’s is more eggshell. He can’t believe Alice prefers Emmett’s skin tone to his. Of course, Jasper is pale nimbus. But Edward’s skin…look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God. It even has a watermark.

How amazing would it be if Carlisle had just one person over while everyone else was gone? Like…Michael Sheen. “So Aro…do you like Huey Lewis and the News?”

I said it in movie one. You don’t even have to change the dialogue.

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A HA HA HA HA That baby has Lon Chaney hair.

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So why was everyone standing around looking at this baby?

We all agree that’s kind of weird, right?

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That baby is so CGI.

Colin:

This baby is pretty CGI, no?

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Also, isn’t that a fucked up couple? Jacob and Rosalie?

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This is the most hilariously CG baby ever.

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Do babies know how to do that this early?

Colin:

So this baby can touch you on the cheek like that already?

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“I can smell your cunt.”

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Colin:

EEW. That’s literally what this memory is. Also, remember how they couldn’t pierce the amniotic sac with any kinds of X-rays or anything like that, and yet in this shot, it looks like a fucking dirty window?

Zombie uterus.

Also, Kristen Stewart’s vagina would be “a fucking dirty window.”

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THE GANDALF FACE IS BACK

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A HA HA HA HA BEST FACE EVER

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This looks like the photo of Rihanna they took at the hospital.

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“What was that?”

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“She showed you the first memory she has of you.”

Colin:

What the fuck? She just showed her mother a memory? That’s a thing? 

She should puke on her right now.

Which… she would puke up blood, right?

Because I want to see that.

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Random cut to Esme.

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“She showed me how?”

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“How do I hear thoughts?”

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“How does Alice see the future?”

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Where is the horse and the rider?

Colin:

So much death.

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“Just gifted.”

That’s a shitty gift.

Colin:

So that’s her gift? That’s kind of a shitty gift. Except for when you’re chilling with friends and laughing and one person doesn’t get a joke. “You kinda had to be there…wait, here.”

What if she got Alzheimer’s?

Colin:

That’d be amazing. Cause people with Alzheimer’s form their own memories based on what they can piece together or just make up. So she’d touch your cheek and you’d just see some crazy fantasy that she thought was memory. Which would be cool as hell.

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“I‘ve only been out for two days?”

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“The growth rate is unprecedented.”

When did you become Legolas?

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He thinks this is enough for one day.

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“What’s your problem?”

Colin:

Jacob is pretty protective of that baby. Which is weird cause that’s usually Mom’s job.

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“Do tell her, Jacob.”

Are they fucking? Why is she like this?

Colin:

This is gonna be really awkward cause how do you tell your old flame you jizzed on her baby?

That’s one way to put a torch out.

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“This should be good.”

Holy shit, look at this fucking guy. All he needs is a pencil moustache and the words “Mi scusi.”

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“Look… it’s… a wolf thing…”

(Why is Rosalie so turned on right now?)

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“What’s a wolf thing?”

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A HA HA. That’s how you peace a shot.

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Look how creepily she’s going over to that baby.

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“You know we have no control over it.”

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“We can’t choose who it happens with, and it doesn’t mean what you think, Bella.”

Yeah, because she thinks it means you’re gonna fuck her daughter.

Colin:

Listen to this dialogue! “You know we have no control over it. We can’t choose who it happens with, and it doesn’t mean what you think, Bella, I promise.” He IS talking about jizzing!

I told you this movie was hysterical.

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“Take Renesmee out of the room.”

A HA HA HA HA. This is so great. All the shitty has built to this.

Colin:

All the Shitty Has Built to This

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“Edward don’t touch me right now I don’t want to hurt you.”

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Look at that fucking face.

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Now THERE’S a shot!

Colin:

Look at Carlisle. I love it when someone just puts their head down and goes, “Oh, she’s gonna beat his ass…”

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Colin:

She’s gonna rough him up now?

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Jasper’s looking for tips.

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A HA HA. Just like Jazz.

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“You imprinted on my daughter?!!”

That’s EXACTLY how this situation goes.

Colin:

Let’s be honest, this is Bella being pissed that he moved on so quickly. And fuck her.

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“It wasn’t my choice.”

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“She’s a baby!”

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“It’s not like that. You think Edward would let me live if it was?”

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“I’m still debating that.”

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“I’ve held her once. One time, Jacob!”

That has nothing to do with the imprinting.

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“And already you think you have some moronic, wolf-y claim on her?”

WOLF-Y! HOLY SHIT THIS IS BADMAZING.

Colin:

A moronic, wolfy claim. Yes.

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“She’s mine!”

(Mad face.)

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Colin:

Ahahahahaha she’s beating him up. And Edward enjoys this. Mike, how very right you were.

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What’s with the slanty eyes?

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“It’s fine, Leah.”

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“You’re gonna stay away from her.”

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“You know I can’t do that.”

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“Stop her, Edward.”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 322

“He said it’s fine.”

That’s great. “No… I wanna watch this.”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 323

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“She’s amazing, right?”

So glad he’s not emo anymore.

I also like the, “That’s my wife!” excitement he has going on.

Colin:

Edward’s watching this and loving it. I’d say he was gonna tear the pussy up later, but you know Bella’s gonna rape him.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 325

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“Do you remember how much you wanted to be around me three days ago? That’s gone now, right?”

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“Long gone.”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 329

“Because it was her. From the beginning, it was Nessie who wanted me there.”

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“Nessie?!”

A HA HA YOU NICKNAMED A CHILD AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

Oh my god, the shits keep on coming.

Colin:

It’s better than Renesmee.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 332

“YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?!!!”

A HA HA HA HA HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN

Colin:

Her trying to be angry is hilarious. This is all too much for me, seriously. They really are proving that it’s not the shittiness of a franchise — it’s how you use it.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 333

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A HA HA GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 338

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Colin:

Goddamn, did you hear that crunch? That was his back. He just got The Sea Inside’d.

I believe the technical term is a Javier Bar-DAYUMMM!!!

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 341

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Aww… Seth is hurt.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 344

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“Seth, I’m sorry. He nicknamed my child after the Loch Ness Monster, what did you expect me to do?”

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 346

Aww… he has other wolves to console him!

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 347

“Bella – you know me.”

A HA. We’ve come full circle!

All the shitty really has built to this!

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 348

“Better than anyone.”

That was one line? Way to pause in between.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 349

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“All I want is for Ness…”

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“Renesmee… to be safe. Happy.”

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“Look, nothing ever made sense before. You, me, any of it. But now I understand why. This was the reason.”

Colin:

And for the first time in the history of ever, I like Jacob for something. Cause he just took back the last four films and told Bella she ain’t shit.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 355

And they end the scene with a sigh. We’re literally covering all the ground of the previous movies right now.

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So he just lives with them now? Is that how that works? You imprint on the baby and you have to be around her all hours of the day? Or is it just til Bella gets over the blood thing and then he’s cool with leaving her alone for a few weeks?

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 358

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That baby is so fucking CG.

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 360

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I love that she tally hos into every movie.

Colin:

OUT DIS TREE

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This is so stupid. Why isn’t Edward hunting? Pretty sure they all went to hunt like three days ago when she was out and he didn’t. Did they all just randomly go out for some late night tree jumping? Why do we need these stupid shots of one couple looking at all the other couples?

How about you remove your dick from my ass a little bit, film?

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Why are Emmett and Rosalie not together?

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That’s why. She’s creepily coveting your child also.

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“My turn.”

So she’s okay holding the baby but Jacob isn’t?

Colin:

Rosalie’s THAT aunt. My niece and nephew don’t have that, cause they have nothing but uncles. 

Actually, now that my other brother just got married, they have an aunt. But it’s pretty much uncles around. And so instead of lining up to hold the kids, we just hold our beers and jingle keys at them. Which is what being an uncle is all about.

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“Where does she sleep?”

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“In my arms. Or Edward’s or Esme’s.”

Oh, right… she’s half-vampire. So she does sleep. Does that mean she’s not immortal?

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I love the way she enters rooms.

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“Happy birthday.”

Oh… good. These end well.

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“I stopped aging three days ago.”

Colin:

But who’s counting?

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I know that face. That’s the, “I’m sensitive about this, so can we please stop talking about this now? Thanks” face.

Women know this face all too well.

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“Well, we’re celebrating anyway.”

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“So suck it up.”

Get it? She’s a vampire.

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Esme gets it.

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ARE WE PANNING DOWN TO THE BOOBIES I WILL GIVE THIS MOVIE FIVE STARS RIGHT NOW

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 383

Oh. That’s not as interesting.

Colin:

It’s her birthday. Right. Key? Did they get them a house? That’s a bizarre, old-ass key.

Is this a key party?

Do vampires have key parties?

Because that would be interesting.

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Did they build her a house?

Is this The Patriot?

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 385

“Welcome home!”

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That’s… actually a nice house.

That’s… actually one of my ideal living situations.

All of the shitty has built this too.

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“We thought you guys might like a place of your own.”

What about the rest of them?

How come the other couples don’t have houses?

Also, did they build a gardener’s shed for Jacob to live in?

Colin:

That’s almost insulting. I mean, it’s a house, which is amazing. But at the same time, Bella went through some shit becoming a member of this family, who have all lived together for at least 60 years under one roof. And now that she’s with them for 3 days, she’s effectively being kicked out of their sexy ass pad.

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“I think it’s perfect.”

Of course you do.

I’d also like to point out — it’s Bella’s birthday, which is September 13th. I know this because I looked it up.

When Bella wakes up, she says she’s been out for “two days.”

Which means that Bella Swan was turned into a vampire on September 11th.

I will just leave that all right there for the rest of you to do what you will with it.

FYI, on a totally semi-related note — the album that made Nickelback famous and unleashed them upon the world was released on September 11, 2001.

Just thought you all should know both of those things.

It may be important.

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STOP FUCKING SMILING YOU LOOK CREEPY AS FUCK

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“Go inside!”

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Why is she suddenly getting a long close up? Is this Harry Potter? Is this the last of her screen time? What’s this about? Are they just acknowledging that she’s a boss? Is she gonna make some comment about them going to fuck? Or are they just giving her the close up because this is the last one and they’re just appreciating everyone? I feel like that might be it. I just got worried they were taking her away from this movie. Which would be a bad, bad idea.

Colin:

Or, she’s just hot. 

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Colin:

There’s something very creepy about this. Like this is some fairy tale shit.

They should get hit by a car right now.

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“Have fun!”

Oh, that’s what it is. Okay. She made a comment about them going to fuck.

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“… if you know what I mean.”

And that HAS to be where we END PART I.

Holy shit, I haven’t laughed this hard at a movie in a long time.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and vampire fucking.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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