Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2011), Part II — “Why Did They Think It Was a Good Idea to Call This a Saga?”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Breaking Dawn Part 2. Part II.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the second part of Breaking Dawn Part 2:
We begin Part II inside the sex house.
Welcome to the fuck pad.
Why is the candle already lit? That’s a fire hazard.
Who drew those paintings? They look shitty.
Were those the original blueprints?
You guys have too many books.
This place is a giant fire hazard.
Which is weird, since fire seems to be the one way to make sure a vampire is gone.
This is actually the perfect size house for me.
The fucked up thing is that my perfect house size is actually REALLY big, but I’ve found that I don’t give enough fucks to be bothered living in my TINY Japanese apartment. My place is the size of some walk-in closets. Seriously. Ideally, I’d have an enormous place, the sort that has a second floor hallway overlooking a large entrance area. High ceilings and an enormous kitchen and shit. And I wanna build a secret room in it with access behind a bookshelf. But I’ve lived in this tiny Japanese apartment for two years now, even though I could have gotten a larger place now that I’m out of school and working. I’m fucking Irish. I’ll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life.
I would also like a baller ass big house, but, in terms of me, I really don’t mind living in a small place that has just the essentials in it. If there are other people living in it, then this house is probably small.
But like — for me, going away for two weeks on a bender — this is the perfect size house.
There’s a white monkey on that shelf.
There’s a white woman on that shelf, too.
That’ll end well.
Really, Edward? Are you SURE it’s Renesmee’s room? Because I’m not sure I’d have figured it out without you telling me.
I think I actually prefer him being emo to smiling all the time.
I think I prefer them all at around 451 degrees Fahrenheit.
Where did all those clothes come from?
Oh… they tell us. Alice left it for her.
That means there’s some nice lingerie in there. Oh yeah.
There’s something interesting to be discussed here. When you change into a vampire, what decides your body makeup and all that shit? That is to say, what decides what shape you are, what your fat content is, and what your overall aesthetic ends up being? Because Bella was in rough shape when she was turned — she was emaciated and gaunt, pretty much on the verge of death. But when she changed, she got her muscle tone and fat back. Her hair got fixed and she ended up looking the way she does now. But it would be a little arbitrary to suggest that the transformation process makes you look the way you looked a little while BEFORE the transformation, so there’s really no reason why she shouldn’t have looked the way she was when she was changed.
Why aren’t there any fat vampires?
This “transformation” has its own ideal for human beauty that it seems to adhere to, and it’s weird because the venom is not a person, nor is it something that can be personified. However, in much the same way that Harry Potter magic worked by its own ethical code that was both undefined and ambiguous (what adjudicated in the case of the Unbreakable Vow? You do something that can be subjectively construed as “wrong” and you die, but the magic decides that), the venom transforms you into a physically ideal specimen based on some sort of predetermined set of preferences. We know that size and shape have nothing to do with anything; their muscle mass and general size have nothing to do with how strong they are, so all the aesthetic changes we see are purely that — aesthetic changes. So is the venom — and the Twilight Saga, by proxy — deciding that Kristen Stewart at her current size, shape, color, and image is IDEAL?
Shocking that Hollywood would consider something like Kristen Stewart ideal.
You do see what I mean, though, right? She was transformed, and it not only repaired her wounds and injuries, but it added fat and muscle where it wasn’t entirely necessary, implying that there was some sort of objective and perfect form of beauty to be attained in the process. And it’s not just genetic, because according to our genetic codes, the “ideal” human woman has armpit and leg hair. And Kristen has neither.
So, Pattinson grew up in an era of hairy bush, and now apparently all vampires are born shaved. (Which I don’t buy. There’s no way Rosalie doesn’t have bush going on. No way.)
This is a completely separate physical construct that’s heavily influenced by our contemporary culture. And something so primal, so natural and so organic shouldn’t be that at all. It actually distances us from the vampires even more than we NEED be distanced. The truth of the matter is that Meyer is a shallow person who just decided to make these beings paragons of beauty as defined by modern America. There’s no rhyme or reason for it, and I doubt many people questioned this at all, but if you pay it more than a moment’s thought, it stands right out.
Time to bang.
Oh, look, an apple. Remember that metaphor?
“This is our room.”
WHY ARE YOU NARRATING THIS HOUSE WE KNOW HOW ROOMS WORK
“Vampires don’t sleep.”
Oh, wait a minute… this might get good.
“It’s not intended for sleep.”
Whoa, goddamn. We did go there.
“It’s not intended for sleep? What are YOU tal– oh HELL no, motherfucker, I had your baby THREE DAYS AGO!”
Irish Vampire Twins.
Did she just smell a deer asshole?
I just realized all the potential super speed/premature ejaculation jokes.
Well, so they can fuck, which begs the question – where’s Alice’s sex scene?
Wherever this “cutting room floor” that people always talk about happens to be, that’s where I wanna go.
Just to recap — she goes running through the woods, she jumps around on trees, she leaps over a waterfall, climbs up a cliff face, tally ho’s off that cliff face, tackles a mountain lion — but the dress doesn’t get ripped until he rips it.
What is that dress made of? Religious platitudes?
Grab that booty.
Isn’t this the sex scene we were supposed to get last movie?
The universal way to show an orgasm without showing it.
I love that they had to show part of his head in this frame, because god forbid we guess what he was actually doing.
Apparently we live in a world without oral sex.
HA HA HA he sparkled in her hair!
Was that his sparkle jizz?
And now he’s wiping the jizz off.
JUST LIKE THE NAKED HORCRUX
Is this Watchmen? Is that gonna really happen? Because I would welcome it.
I went to high school with Carla Gugino’s cousin. That was amusing. “Your cousin got some nice titties.” “Shut up!” “She do, tho.”
FYI — those windows are also wide open.
Lots of things with this family happen in plain view of anyone passing by.
Probably not the best idea for people who will be killed if knowledge of their existence gets out.
“You really were holding back before.”
Oh FUCK YOU.
Not because of the line, but because of all the religious shit “before.”
Why don’t they break this room? Where’s the consistency? You either break shit while fucking, or you don’t. Which is it?
“I’m never gonna get enough of this. We don’t get tired, we don’t have to rest, or catch our breath, or eat. How are we gonna stop?”
Hey… dumbass… you do have to eat.
Remember when you just did that ten minutes ago?
Also… how about taking care of your fucking child? Isn’t that reason enough to stop sometimes?
“Rosalie and Emmett were so bad it took a solid decade before we could stand to be within five miles of them.”
“I think we might be worse.”
It’s amusing that they discuss this, because in terms of this family, this whole arc is a fucking blip. This shit all goes down, but ultimately, it’s 2 years to a family that measures time in centuries. Why did they think it would be a good idea to call this a “saga?” Or to write this series in the first place?
Wait, so they’re just gonna fuck nonstop? I mean, yeah. But THAT’S why they got kicked out? I assumed it was like this with all of them. I guess they got tired of each other after a little bit. Like a decade.
Yes, bring a newborn into the woods.
Always a good idea.
This is so creepy. He’s just watching the baby.
He’s also eating a sandwich. Of which I approve.
They’re gonna ask him to be godfather, aren’t they? They’re christening this fuck, aren’t they? I can already see it in their faces.
“Wow! Done already?!”
A ha. He’s awesome.
I do enjoy Emmett. If only for his lack of a filter.
Out there. With “Blondie.” According to Jacob.
Blondie. I guess that makes Emmett Dagwood?
“Break a lot of stuff?”
I do enjoy Emmett. From time to time.
Stop smiling, virgin.
Carlisle’s like, “HAH! He made a joke about fucking. Our life is awesome.”
How can you work on such a little laptop?
Seriously, though. I got my 17.3 inch MANtop, and most Japanese people have 11 inch laptops meant for true portability. They seem my computer and freak out at the sheer size and the strength of it. But 11 inches for a laptop is LAUGHABLE. What do you think you’re accomplishing on that?
This was also a penis metaphor.
I like this shot.
The phone rings.
Must be Charlie.
“Is that Charlie?”
WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD IT BE?!!
Do you really think they’re canvasing for the mayoral candidate of Forks?
He’s been calling twice a day. He’s in pretty rough shape.
Aw, Charlie’s calling. He thinks she’s sick or whatever. And they’re gonna tell him she died?
“Eventually we’ll have to tell him you didn’t make it.”
“He needs to mourn, Bella.”
“Okay. We’ll do it tomorrow.”
You’re gonna wait til tomorrow? There isn’t enough beer for this. Fuck you.
“I’m gonna miss this place.”
“We’ll come back. We always do.”
“Wait – nobody said anything about leaving.”
Once Bella’s dead, they can’t risk anyone seeing her. So they’re just gonna disappear.
Wow. All the greatest hits are back.
And… he’s gonna go tell Charlie.
Oh. I get it. He didn’t realize they were leaving, so the first half of this movie is gonna be about keeping her around. I’m assuming he just tells Charlie. Charlie’s gonna have a sudden exposure to their powers and be all weirded out. That’s the first half of this movie, right? And then the second half has to be about the Volturi coming and there being a showdown cause they need to be back after a one-film hiatus. And Michael Sheen and Dakota were in the credits. I’m pretty confident about my guess about the first half of this movie, and the second half — well…yeah, let’s just raise our glasses to Stephenie Meyer. She spins quite a complex tale.
Come on. At least give it a scene or two before proving me right.
Remember how this isn’t the same house from the first movie?
YEAH CHARLIE YOU CHOP THAT WOOD
I’d forgotten how Washington has a lot of ferns going on. When I was a kid, I associated ferns with prehistoric eras, so when I went to Washington, it was exciting to see so many of them. Cause you could almost pretend that there’d be dinosaurs. But really, it was just a lot of elk asshole.
Why does every conversation in this franchise start with “hey”?
(And take place in the woods, for that matter.)
“You heard anything?”
She passed it onto him?
“Charlie – Bella’s…”
“No she’s not.”
“No, no, no, I mean, she’s fine, she’s back home, and – she’s feeling better.”
He’s a dumbass. You should know than to dwell on your words and leave in awkward pauses that the dad who’s worried out of his mind can use to project his fears onto.
“Why didn’t you say so? That’s great.”
“There’s something you need to see first.”
“Yeah… I’m gonna… go… see my daughter.”
“In order for Bella to get better, she had to –”
Bella had to change. She’s a cyborg. That’s my only appraisal of the situation based on the way he’s delivering this explanation.
A HA HA HA HA.
No words necessary.
Wait, seriously? Are you really playing out my prediction THIS simply? Rather than just saying what happened to Bella, he’s LEADING with his own powers, which actually have nothing to do with her?
“What the hell are you doing?”
“You don’t live in the world you think you do.”
I hate this dialogue so much. Go back to people tackling mountain lions.
Try that. Try explaining something, stopping midway and just taking off your shirt.
Oh my god this is hilarious.
“Now, this may seem strange –”
HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZING.
“But stranger things happen every day.”
My god, context is amazing.
That’s REALLY how they’re playing this. Wow. I don’t know why I expected any better, but…
And he won’t touch a drop of alcohol again.
Don’t even joke about that.
So, let’s get this straight…
“Your daughter is back, and she’s fine, but she had to change. Now watch me turn into a wolf.”
What the fuck is Charlie supposed to think from all this?
This whole thing is such a play to the fans. It’s completely, “Let’s get Charlie in on the secrets, cause that’s fun!” It’s like when Gohan showed Videl his powers, only that was acceptable because he was doing it for pussy.
“I solved a problem. You were leaving.”
“You don’t realize the danger you’ve put him in.”
Danger? What danger?
“The Volturi will kill anyone who knows about us.”
Yawn. Who gives a shit about them? I just want another look at THAT ASS.
And they’re already talking about the Volturi. For shit’s sake. Please, someone come up with a storyline that isn’t predictable shit.
“I didn’t tell him about you. Just me. I only said you were different.”
“That we have a niece we adopted…”
There’s also the issue of Bella being around him and not killing him.
“Oh, right… that too.”
“Don’t try and pretend like you’re doing this for anyone but yourself.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, because he’ll be here in ten minutes.”
Shouldn’t Edward be able to read his mind? And did Jacob not have the idea to tell Charlie when he first heard what they were doing? That sounds like something you think of in desperation. Edward should have heard him and stopped him.
Pretty great how logic only works when you want it to.
Isn’t it incredible how I gave Rowling hell for faulty logic, when compared to this shit she makes a more airtight case than Johnnie Cochran?
Well, they got that one covered.
Contacts? Is that just to not freak him out?
What about the rest of them? Is he just used to the weird eyes by now?
…but, not that one.
“Maybe a tad slower.”
This is an image that can be used for things.
“And blink at least three times a minute.”
“For a cartoon character.”
I like how she’s learning to be human again.
Are they seriously teaching her how to act like a human? Cause she did that shit like 4 days ago.
“I got it. Move around, blink, slouch.”
Maybe complain about shit, be a horrible person – these things will also help maintain a sense of normalcy.
Also, wait a minute – being dead gives her better posture?
You didn’t even shave?
He’s probably showing up on short notice. I can see how he’d be rough around the edges.
Charlie isn’t rushing in? He’s just staring into Carlisle’s blue, blue, blue eyes. As you do.
A HA HA. He looks away. They shared a gay moment and he can’t look him in the eyes.
Please just notice it immediately and call her out on it. Please do that.
Is it not weird to you that they’re standing around her like the secret fucking service?
“Are you okay?”
The monotone is back. And the awkward distance from the parent who loves her.
“Healthy as a horse.”
(The Cullens eat horses.)
“You don’t… turn into an animal too, do ya?”
“She wishes she was that awesome.”
She doesn’t change into an animal. She doesn’t wish she was that awesome. Cause that’s weird.
Should they be giving her privacy? Isn’t the idea that she might not be able to control herself around him? Shouldn’t Edward stick around to make sure shit doesn’t go down?
But again, isn’t it extra weird if they’re just standing around her the whole time?
“Jake said that this was necessary. What does that mean?”
“I wanna know what happened to you.”
“I can’t tell you.”
“I think I deserve an explanation.”
“You do. But if you really need one, I can’t stay here.”
“No more going away!”
“Dad, you’re just gonna have to trust that, for whatever reason, I’m all right. I’m really all right. Can you live with that?”
Just fucking tell him. Jesus Christ.
“Can I live with that?”
“Well, I don’t know, Bella. I’ve just watched a kid I’ve known his entire life turn into a very large dog. My daughter looks like my daughter, but doesn’t.”
That’s cause some venom decided what her ideal body image was.
God, I hate those teeth.
“Can you please just believe that I’ll tell you anything that you need to know?”
Still don’t get why she won’t tell him.
I’m tapped out for this whole thing. This is the first franchise where I’ve ever taken off entire scenes from caring.
“And I don’t need to know this?”
“I’m not gonna lose you again. I can’t.”
“Then you won’t.”
Which completely contradicts the “need to know” thing.
I am so happy they didn’t address the cold thing with dialogue.
“I missed you, Bells. So much.”
Now how is this gonna work, with the whole rapid growing thing and all?
“She’s got your eyes, Bella.”
And her father’s creepy stare.
“Need to know, I guess.”
Not sure how he needed to know that but not the explanation.
“Well done, Bella. I’ve never seen a newborn show that kind of restraint.”
This franchise is literally them saying, “This girl ain’t no basic bitch.”
“Don’t antagonize her, she’s the strongest one in the house.”
Well, at least they’re not playing baseball.
Oh, we’re back to dick measuring. Not that she…yeah, never mind.
Emmett has to lose to her, cause that’s how these things go. She needs to be super amazing, randomly.
You guys ever see Over the Top?
It’s the Citizen Kane of arm wrestling movies.
“Did you see that?”
You still punch and kick like a girl.
A HA HA. She wants to sparkle.
“Do I sparkle?”
Thanks, tree, for the CGI masking!
What do you think it feels like to sparkle?
Exfoliating with cocaine.
“My time as a human was over. But I never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.”
Why is this written in the past tense?
Back to the voiceover. Cause why the fuck not? (Many reasons, it turns out.)
This fuck is back.
“Everything was falling into place.”
“Even the Volturi seemed to accept my new status.”
“Though they’d want proof eventually.”
“It seemed we had only one enemy left –”
And Morris Day?
“Renesmee was growing too fast.”
And too furious?
She’s growing pretty fast. Maybe she’ll die out.
“We all worried about how long we would have with her.”
“It just made every moment more precious.”
A HA HA. Uncle Wolfy.
“Edward thinks that we’ll find answers in Brazil.”
You seem to think you’ll find everything in Brazil.
This franchise is literally Washington, Florida, Italy and Brazil. And nowhere else. And Floria (and even Phoenix) we only went to like, twice.
So clearly she got dem bomb ass powers.
YES YOU JUST MADE MY DAY
Who’s this bitch? Oh, it’s the chick from the wedding who used to be hot on Laurent. She seemed like a real bitch. Why does she look so stuck up?
“Who is that?”
“I think that’s our cousin.”
Great line. “I think that’s our cousin.”
That’ll be me. Only I won’t be standing on a mountain, glowering. I’ll be passed out in the driveway, with my arms around the plastic light-up reindeer, singing along to Gus Edwards songs.
I’ve said this before. I have 30 first cousins on my dad’s side. You’re crazy if you think I can remember 30 of ANYTHING that aren’t cars or Pokemon.
“Bitch, you got some siblings, and I DON’T LIKE IT!”
Yes. Chase the bitch.
Go after her. You’ve done this shit before.
So they’ll talk about why she peaced like that. It’s clearly not Jacob, cause she knew he was around. It’s Renesmee.
Aww… they both play piano.
They play the piano. Families can always appear loving and stuff when they’re bathing in luxury.
This is how I picture white families all the time.
You know we’re all waiting for a wolf to come out of nowhere right now. You know we are.
These guys don’t deserve respect. They just hang around in their chairs all day being “powerful.” It’s not worth it. You shouldn’t waste your immortality doing shit like that. Hang around in your chairs all day watching movies or something. Don’t spend time doing WORK.
I agree completely.
I don’t see anything that makes the Volturi worth liking except that one of them is played by Michael Sheen. And that’s entirely because it’s Michael Sheen and has nothing to do with the Volturi.
And maybe Dakota, but honestly — ehh. Also not really them.
Seriously, what’s the virtue or merit in doing what they do? There’s NOTHING to it. You’re quite nearly all powerful enough as it is.
Oh, this bitch go’n ruin everything.
The Volturi have a black manservant?
What am I saying? Of COURSE they do.
“What a pleasant surprise.”
“What do you want?”
Something better to look at than your face?
Is that a statue of a man fucking a lion?
She has to report a crime.
“The Cullens –”
Now he’s interested.
“They’ve done something terrible.”
Get a little turned on by this, do you?
He should have told everyone from the get-go that the power only worked by touching titties. For guys, it’d be the face, or something. But he should have made it an excuse to touch titties.
“What the FUCK?!”
“Oh my. Your hand juices are scrumptious.”
George Takei, Vampire Hunter.
Now she can play the piano? The fuck is this? People in movies need to stop being randomly gifted all the time.
Eyes Wide Shut?
Goddamn it, Alice. I like you, but you’re the reason we can’t have nice things.
“The Volturi –”
“They’re coming for us.”
Ah. And here’s my second half of the film prediction coming true. Volturi showdown. They wanna kill Renesmee. This didn’t even take 40 minutes to happen. This is seriously going to be the whole movie? This is what happens when you split a single book in two. Harry Potter managed it really well, but I have a feeling this is going to fail.
Edward Summer Sanders.
Irina thinks Renesmee is immortal.
Apparently this is a big deal.
Immortal children. So this is when someone makes a kid a vampire, and they’re not developed enough to control their impulses? Sounds like Akira to me, but anyway.
Immortal children become frozen at the age they’re turned. And they can’t be taught after that. So, if they throw a tantrum, they could destroy an entire village.
Or some such shit.
That’ll end up on the shots list.
This should so be a Gushers commercial, or some shit like that.
Oh, this’ll end well.
Dakota Fanning Kills a Child. That’s what this is going to be.
This flashback…yes. Dakota getting ready to murder a child. This is a high point for the franchise.
Just like that bitch ass steward.
my dear sweet lord
This guy on the left was looking away in the last shot, but then he was like, “Hm? Titties?”
Ah, I see. Those sisters’ mother made an immortal child.
And… that happened.
It’s hard to be sad when you can look at those things.
A HA. He just tosses the head.
A HA HA HA HA. She totally killed that kid.
Apparently they can’t explain that Renesmee is growing.
So the Volturi are coming to kill her. Don’t you come out and parlay? Meet them halfway and have some terms ready?
“So we fight.”
“Their offensive weapons are too powerful. No one can stand against Jane.”
Haven’t we established that Bella can?
Nobody can stand against Jane? We already know Bella can. So they’re conveniently setting that up and hoping you don’t remember that they already showed that. Either Bella handles shit herself later on, or someone remembers before the fight and trains her up with her special powers.
Edward says maybe Carlisle’s friends around the world can convince them.
The witness thing makes sense. I mean, couldn’t they just confine Renesmee to a room for like 3 days and show her growing? That’s literally all it would take to prove she wasn’t an immortal child. But okay.
If enough people knew the truth, maybe they’ll listen.
They’re going off to London.
… and the Volturi will attack before they come back. And everyone will show up at the last minute, and the Volturi will seem unnecessarily harsh, and no one will believe in them anymore, and they will lose all importance.
Which would mean the end of religion at the end of this franchise, and it will make me very happy.
A man can still hope.
Going to London. Are they gonna play “London Calling?” I know that’s the one thing that would make Mike crazier than this franchise has already made us.
“All right… let’s get this show on the road.”
They’re all going?
It’s a note from Alice. Her and Jasper went to the ocean.
They left them.
No explanation why.
They can’t figure it out, but it’s really fucking obvious.
Why is the note on a page torn from The Merchant of Venice? This is some Da Vinci Code shit, you know it is. Did they leave for Venice? Go find the book she tore it out of. Please let this be a Da Vinci Code clue about an eyeless Jew.
And that’s where we’ll END PART II.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part III, and even the Beatles.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)