Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2011), Part IV — “This Is Stupid”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Breaking Dawn Part 2. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the fourth part of Breaking Dawn Part 2:

We begin Part IV when the shit goes down.

Is this the Northern crater?

Colin:

Helicopter shots. What if randomly they threw in those two king statues from the river in Fellowship of the Ring? How great would that be?

Oh, I actually like this shot. All of them standing in the snow like that. Clearly CG as fuck, but as an image, I’m a fan.

Colin:

Amazon chicks are like, “Snow? Fuck snow, we show midriff.”

All right, I’ll just come out and say it – doesn’t their kid look weird?

Oh, I’m a huge fan of this shot.

(Probably because I liked it back when I saw it in The Empire Strikes Back. But who am I to argue? If this film had The Empire Strikes Back‘s jizz rag in it, it would still be better than 95% of the shots in this movie.)

Remember when you told her you were gonna send her away with Jacob like twelve hours ago? What happened to that?

“If we live through this, I’ll follow you anywhere, woman.”

The most romantic line in the history of cinema.

And I think I’m only like, 35% joking.

Colin:

Aw, everyone’s getting close now. “I’ll follow you anywhere, woman.” Interesting approach. Let’s see if she bites.

“Now you tell me?”

What’s with vampire Natalie Portman and Joaquin Phoenix back there?

“The redcoats are coming, the redcoats are coming.”

Why are you dressed like that? Seriously. You should dress like a colonial guy, or at least in something nice. Why don’t more vampires wear suits? I’d like you guys better if you dressed nicer.

They’re here for the gang bang.

Colin:

They look like they’re about to show up to an Eyes Wide Shut party.

Siegfried and Roy are excited.

Colin:

That shot.

More advancing lines of people.

Colin:

Do you really think TSA is letting through that many cloaked figures?

“At my signal, unleash hell.”

“Aro’s looking for Alice.”

Colin:

Alice ain’t here. She got her sweet titties outta town.

What up, Dakota?

That’s right. You fucked up.

Welcome to the gang bang.

You guys remember The Golden Compass? That movie was pretty amazing, right?

Colin:

That Oscar winner? Maybe I was brainwashed by Camptown Races, but I bet on the Bay.

You are correct. Academy Award winner The Golden Compass.

It won the same year of Academy Award nominee Norbit.

Colin:

You know, Aro and the Volturi must know about the wolves. Why are they allowed to live? Why hasn’t he decimated them?

He’s a huge gambler.

Well, we know one thing – Renesmee ain’t gonna get a fucking scratch on her.

NO YOU ASSHOLE THAT’S NOT HOW YOU TAKE OFF A HOOD.

Colin:

Carlisle’s coming to parlay.

“Aro – let us discuss things as we used to.”

“I don’t see six hookers and a bottle of Jack, do you?”

Colin:

I like this, how they talk normally from a football field apart.

They say no laws have been broken. They’re like, “Motherfucker, we SEE the child.”

“She is not an immortal. These witnesses can attest to that.”

“You can look – see the flesh of human blood in her cheeks.”

“ARTIFICE!”

Colin:

 “ARTIFICE!” This is now my go-to retort for anyone’s argument about anything. I enjoy this line.

“I will collect every facet of the truth.”

Colin:

As we’ve seen in every franchise, so far, some guy is always able to silence people by raising a hand like this. It also does other stuff, like when Vader had them take away a body.

“But from someone more central to the story.”

Why did you cut to Dakota when you said that?

Colin:

It doesn’t make sense, but on the other hand…why the fuck not? At this point in the franchise, all bets are off.

“Edward.”

“I assume you are involved.”

“Daddy’s gotta go die now, sweetie.”

One last sex look for the road.

And then Renesmee shifts over to Jacob. She knows.

Don’t you have super speed? Why you walking over there all slow?

Is she shielding him? Is that what’s happening?

Might have been better if they didn’t show the effect and just let it escalate and happen out of nowhere. Like, “Oh, that’s right, bitch, I got this.”

But what do I know? It’s not like I can make this masterpiece any better, right?

Oh… he’s out of range. HA HA.

Colin:

What happened? Her bubble didn’t work.

So what, now he’s gonna lie and say he saw what he wanted to see?

“This motherfucker was telling the truth.”

Colin:

I hope he just saw Edward and Bella fucking. 

Please tell me they’re gonna turn back and go home and this whole story was fucking useless.

Or tell me they just decide, “Meh,” and attack anyway, because, “Hey, we’re already here.”

“I’d like to meet her.”

Colin:

Michael Sheen wants a hit from the baby hand.

On the one hand, this could mean something, but on the other, he can read his mind, so he knows what he’s gonna do or not do. So there’s no suspense here at all. Way to write yourself into a non-dramatic corner, Stephanie Meyer.

Where’s Anna Kendrick during all this?

And here’s another question I’ve had this whole time – how come we only found out Jasper’s and Rosalie’s backstory? What about Alice and Emmett and Carlisle and Esme?

Where you goin’ Emmett?

Colin:

Why is Emmett going? Is this a bodyguard thing? Is he gonna be able to do shit against all them if shit goes south?

Oh, I see. Backup. Smart plan.

If the words “not my daughter, you bitch” are uttered, I will turn this movie off and never finish it.

He looks like Tom Hiddleston as Loki.

“Ah… Young Bella.”

That emphasis was creepy. And only served to remind me how not Italian he actually is.

Why is she wearing more makeup as a vampire?

And then he laughs like a crazy person when he hears Renesmee’s heartbeat.

Colin:

Oh my dear sweet lord that sound that just came out of Michael Sheen’s face! Can we link to this?

Walking up to a vampire with a Jansport.

“Hello, Aro.”

Colin:

“Hello, Aro.” My, my, but aren’t we a bit precocious?

“Your name’s Dorothy Harris and I’m Forrest Gump.”

Colin:

Don’t give him a hit from the baby hand just like that! Now he’s gonna want it for himself.

“Magnifico.”

Well now don’t you feel like an asshole?

“Half-mortal!”

YOINK!

“Half-immortal. Conceived and carried by this newborn while she was still human.”

“Impossible.”

“Motherfucker…”

I love that turn.

Colin:

“Impossible.” “Motherfucker, if you do not take a hit of this baby hand, then we have a prob-lem.”

Time to peace. Right while they in-fight.

Nice little glance.

Colin:

Jacob’s taking liberties.

“Bring the informer forward.”

Colin:

I like that they refer to her as “the informer.” Cause fuck her. I don’t like Maggie Grace. I know some people are…taken with her. But not me.

First off — this.

Second — I do actually sort of like her, but I don’t really know why.

I actually became… taken, with her after I saw her in (of all things), The Jane Austen Book Club. She played the lesbian daughter of one of the characters and was sarcastic and feisty as hell. The kind of character I really go for. I really enjoyed her character in an otherwise boring as shit movie, so from there, I remembered who she was.

I honestly couldn’t really tell you what else she’s been in — I didn’t even remember it was her in Taken. But, from that movie alone, she’s on my cool list. And she was pretty good, if I remember correctly, in Lockout. Which was also enjoyable.

(It’s actually pretty funny to me that people can now name pretty much any movie of the last five years and I’ll know what it is and will have seen it.)

(Though… honestly… pretty soon it’s gonna be that point for like, the last, 80 years.)

Oh you is proper fucked.

Ha ha. They brought all those people for nothing.

And somehow, I feel better now that an all-out war isn’t breaking out.

“Is that the child you saw?”

(What if she says no? “No, it was another child I saw. It went the other way.”)

“I’m not sure.”

“Jane…”

“She’s changed. This child is bigger.”

“Then your accusations were false.”

No… she just didn’t know the truth.

“The Cullens are innocent. I take full responsibility for my mistake.”

There you go. End of story. Let’s get a taco.

Colin:

Ahahahahahaha fuck her let them kill her. She made a shit mistake and didn’t consult people and now she will pay for her wrongdoing.

“I’m sorry,” she mouths, to her sisters.

Colin:

If you ever whisper the words, “I’m sorry” to someone as the music swells, know that you’re about to be killed.

Lenny Kravitz is ready to do some shit.

“Caius – no!”

It’s a Farewell to Arms.

Colin:

It’s amusing to me that they pull the arms off before beheading them.

This is Tuesday for Dakota.

“In Russia… we kill BITCHES!”

“I think I wanna fuck her again.”

Well there goes Maggie Grace.

Ha ha… she’s gonna ride away on Jacob.

Come back, Shane!

Colin:

These blonde chicks are wildin’. Keep it together, goldilocks.

That’s a great moment… that of course they don’t linger on.

Because why would you stay on a moment that has dramatic impact like this?

“Blind them.”

Colin:

This Amazonian chick looks way too much like Uma Thurman in blackface.

She actually does.

I was also gonna say she looked like Tyra Banks, but she’s too stupid for words and I would have rather not said anything. But, here we are.

“This is what they want. If you attack now, we’ll all die.”

A ha. He’s gonna do it anyway.

Of course she is, though. There’s like 30 minutes left in this movie.

“Pain.”

Colin:

Dakota’s on the job.

Dakota is fascinated.

Colin:

So now that they’re here, her bubble works for ALL of them?

“Bitch, what are you doing?”

Now there’s a “fuck you.”

Colin:

Oh, don’t smile. Smile at Dakota Fanning and shit happens.

“Oh you little cunt…”

Colin:

Dakota’s ready to end this ho. Which I would enjoy.

He is amused.

Oh it’s time.

I don’t like you.

Colin:

That cut back to Alec after Aro made him stop — that’s a premature ejaculation face.

Colin:

“Watch me turn this shit around.”

“Aro, you see there’s no law broken here.”

“Agreed.”

Colin:

Wait, I thought they were all showing up in robes and shit. Why do these two guys over Sheen’s shoulder look like they wandered off the set of a fucking Home Alone remake?

YOU TOO?!

“But does it then follow that there is no danger?”

“For the first time in our history, humans pose a threat to our kind.”

Dakota’s like, “… go on.”

“Their modern technology has given birth to weapons that can destroy us.”

You’re going Red Scare? Really? That’s all you got?

Colin:

Ah, making a case against the unknown. You have a future with the GOP, sir.

He just wants to fight.

Fucking Grindelwald.

And then he’s like, “Hey, we don’t know shit about what this kid is gonna become, so let’s kill her.”

“Spare ourselves a fight today only to die tomorrow.”

He makes a good point. On the other – nah, fuck it. Kill the bitch. I don’t give a fuck no ways.

That was one of the darkest omens in the vampire world.

And here comes Alice.

My thoughts exactly.

Colin:

Alice shows up, and Michael Sheen imprints on his knickers.

“Alice.”

Thanks, asshole.

“I have evidence the child won’t be a risk to our kind.”

She’s ruining everything.

“Let me show you.”

He’s so fucking turned on right now.

Colin:

The blond dude keeps on trying to intervene with people talking to Aro. Try as you may, you’re not going to top “ARTIFICE!”

“Get the fuck out my face.”

In cash!

Well that was uncalled for.

Back in his day, they settled this shit like men.

Colin:

Back in his day, they owned shit like men.

Colin:

Alice was giving him some of the baby hand, but she isn’t baby enough for him.

What does that mean?

“It doesn’t matter what I show you.”

“Even when you see. You still won’t change your decision.”

“Now.”

Colin:

That wasn’t overt at all.

Is she gonna slap him on the ass like a horse?

“Take care of my daughter.”

OH YEAH ALICE JUST KICKED HIM IN THE FACE!!

Colin:

KICK TO THE JAW

“What the fu-uuck?”

“This bitch is crazy!”

Would have been better if he didn’t have to use his hand for that. If he just slid back on his feet, that would have been badass.

Colin:

This is back to the first two movies’ level of bad choreography. He just did a wide arc and landed almost exactly where he started. Spatial relationships, people.

DON’T YOU DARE FUCK WITH ALICE

“Take her away.”

Oh… good. They want her alive. That’s good. If they killed her, I’d have been pissed.

“OPTIMUS!!!!!”

Colin:

Carlisle breaks composure first?

So hoping he runs into a beheading right now. That would be great.

He’s got the moves.

I love this shot. Dude’s flying away and he’s running forward.

Look how fucking stupid this looks.

Oh yeah.

I FUCKING CALLED THAT SHIT.

Also, I call bullshit.

Colin:

Okay, I call bullshit on this immediately. They’re not killing Carlisle. If they did, I might respect them. But they have a chick who can show him random variations of the future AND a chick who can make him see other visions. When they kill a character like this out of nowhere, am I really to believe that this isn’t some dream sequence we’re gonna snap out of? Watch it be that. Is Alice still holding his hand?

Though they are playing this off like it’s legit.

Oh, that’s sadistic. Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning are the only reason I give a shit about the Volturi.

Colin:

Truer words were ne’er spoke.

I still can’t believe they’re just gonna kill off Carlisle like that.

We’ll see.

But whatever – X-Men time, bitches.

“Go forth!”

Oh, this shit is ON.

At this point, Carlisle better be dead, otherwise this shit is a giant fucking waste of time.

Kind of like the rest of this fran…

Oh yeah, this isn’t real.

Colin:

I’m not going to believe any of this is real until the credits are rolling. But for now, let’s enjoy what I assume will be a gruesome fight.

NOW THAT’S A PUNCH TO THE FACE!!!

OH YEAH!

Colin:

This is like the warg battle in The Two Towers. Too bad they don’t have a Legolas to be letting one off the chain from a distance.

Colin:

Ah, so now it’s gonna be about Dakota and Alec killing Bella, right? They want the bitch dead. They’re really just gonna murder like 20 people we’re supposed to love in about 40 seconds and expect us to buy it. I could buy it, if I didn’t know what shitty franchises do.

Let’s just pause right here in anticipation of what’s about to happen.

You know it. I know it.

It’s going to happen.

Because we’re five movies in now.

Let’s face it – it’s going to happen.

And it’s going to be glorious.

WHAT HE ACTUALLY FUCKING  TACKLED HER WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM THAT WAS PRIME REAL ESTATE FOR HIM TO GET DESTROYED BY A WOLF WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

But I guess this shit isn’t real anyhow, so that would be the case.

Wouldn’t it be funny if her power was actually to make you cum in your pants?

Right?

And here goes Jasper.

“OPTIMUS!!!”

Yeah, definitely not real. No fucking way they kill off two people like that.

KICK TO THE CHEST!

CHOKESLAM!

YES!

That was baller as shit, Emmett.

Colin:

Emmett fighting is always fun. Through the ice. Is this ice? If not, why is there so much snow? It only just fell, so it shouldn’t be compact enough for them to walk over the top of like they are. Unless they’re all like Legolas and don’t weigh anything.

EUAHH! That was awesome. He just fucking LAUNCHED him!

Oh, you done fucked up now.

Is the look they’re all giving.

YES! FINALLY!

Colin:

Okay, we’re back with Jacob and Renesmee. This is almost shot-for-shot taken right out of Fellowship of the Ring. She could even be a tiny Liv Tyler.

Colin:

There are way too many shots in this franchise where I have to laugh.

A HA HA HA.

She wanna get fucked.

Her panties are soaked.

Dead wolf.

Was that Seth? That had to be Seth, right?

Colin:

O-KAY! Dakota just Crucio’ed a wolf and then a dude snapped the wolf’s neck. They’re really making hope this is real, even though I sincerely doubt that it is. Let it be real. C’mon, let it be real.

Oh yeah, that was Seth.

Colin:

Oh, that was Seth? Cause this is Leah, and she’s upset. And now Jacob’s all distracted.

Oh, I know that look. Someone’s about to get fucked up.f

Correct.

Colin:

Apparently he took care of the dude, although I have no idea how it happened, or how Renesmee didn’t get totally fucked up in the process. They were rolling at high speed and flipping everywhere and he tore off a vampire’s head. It’s like how Bumblebee transforms with Sam riding inside him. How the fuck does that not take Shia’s head off?

Ready for the shot of the movie?

I’m serious now. Are you guys ready for it?

You need to be ready for it.

I don’t say this shit lightly.

I seriously hope you’re ready.

Bam.

Colin:

I was reading those lines up above and didn’t know what shot he was referring to, and I didn’t even notice it during the movie. This is the top shot of the FRANCHISE. LOOK AT THIS!

And another one, because we have to.

A HA HA HE GOT PUNCHED AND MADE THAT FACE

Dude control the fucking elements, what are you doing?

There we go, motherfucker.

Colin:

Uh-oh, we got an earth bender over here. But I guess this WAS ice?

Rami used EARTHQUAKE! It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!

I like how a bunch of them are just standing around, watching.

THIS IS FORKS!!!!

“Hmm.”

Colin:

Nope, it was land. Say hi to Alison Doody, guys.

WILHELM SCREAM!

Colin:

WILHELM SCREAM

Colin:

Damn, looks like Benjamin did more harm than good.

Did he open up the pits of hell? What the fuck is that fire about?

At my signal, he really did unleash hell.

Bye bye, Leah.

Colin:

Now Leah’s gone?

At this point, if this franchise has the stones to keep all the people that have died dead, I will have major respect for it.

He said, already knowing what the end result is going to be.

PLEASE SOMEONE COME AND KICK HER IN RIGHT NOW I WILL IMMEDIATELY GIVE THIS MOVIE FIVE STARS

Oh FUCK YOU.

OH DOUBLE FUCK YOU!

You have that close up and THEN now he’s gonna go save her?

Should’ve kicked Esme in when you had the chance.

Isn’t it funny how often I’m giving this movie a chance at a free ride to five stars KNOWING it’s not gonna do it? I’m TELLING them they can go directly to GO and collect $200, and they’re like, “No… I think I might rolls some doubles and land on the Electric Company.”

Oh wait, Edwards’ going in? PLEASE let that happen.

Though if he dies, that’ll more than confirm what I’ve been saying this whole time.

Colin:

And what I said before this shit even started. We don’t need confirmation. If you are of average intelligence, you saw this shit 100 miles away.

I guess this means Leah’s dead, and Sam was just sad or something. Whatever. More interesting things are happening.

Well aren’t you smug as shit?

Colin:

This guy’s like, “And….that’s my cue to leave.”

A HA HA HA HA THAT JUST HAPPENED

This is like Bond killing Slate. No expression.

Colin:

But there goes his head.

Colin:

Dakota’s freaking out. Which…no good ever comes of that.

“MII-IIKE!”

OH PLEASE HAVE ALICE FUCK UP JANE

YES PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN

Everyone get out of the goddamn way this needs to happen right now

Colin:

I love it when there’s a fight scene and someone fucks up like 43 minions on their way to a boss without even slowing down.

ALICE IS A FUCKING BOSS

CLOTHESLINE!

SHE GOT A HOT TAG!

DON’T LOOK BEHIND YOU WHO ARE YOU FRODO

SURPRISE BITCH!

Which… how’d that happen? Did she tally ho before she looked or something? How do you not notice she’s not behind you while YOU’RE LOOKING AT HER?!

Is this gonna be Alice’s one kill in the franchise?

Colin:

Got her by the throat. OH SHIT!

I approve.

Is she gonna spank her or something? What’s that about?

Oh no.

Colin:

That’s cold blooded! Is that Sam? Who’d he fuck up? They’re gonna need a Wormtail hand or an Anakin hand or something.

Somehow we all saw this coming.

That’s so inappropriate I love it.

Also, the wolves are fucking doing it too.

Colin:

This is the same shot as the black guy from a little while ago, only it’s a wolf.

Somehow we all knew Dakota would go out this way.

Colin:

And there goes Dakota’s head. You know she can’t fight for shit cause she’s been leaning on her powers this whole time.

“Goddamnit, I’m so pissed I wanna spit. Caius, fill my elephant gun with buckshot.”

Colin:

That’s it for Aro. He’s been watching all this thinking it’s been going well so far? I guess he always had a thing for Dakota, so now he’s in the action. He whips aside his cloak, for he is perturbed!

I like how he goes to attack the woman first.

Colin:

Ahahaha ARTIFICE!

TAG TEAM!

Colin:

Got the top of his head ripped off.

She literally just turned him into a PEZ dispenser.

Huge fans of these two gay guys. They want to fight and they’re fucking chopping bitches.

“Finally.”

Oh, I love this guy.

So… here’s a question… if they don’t set fire to them, are they really dead?

Colin:

This dude WANTS to die? He just got twisted to death.

All that baseball paid off, huh?

“The institution of marriage will protect us!”

That was the stupidest run I have ever seen.

What the fuck is going on right now?

At this point, I hope this is fake — because why the fuck would anyone allow this to happen, even in a dream?

This is stupid.

Colin:

Here’s the boss battle. Edward’s neck is making noises that make it sound like he’ll have cracks if his head doesn’t come off. Which, if that happens, it’s DEFINITELY a dream.

Colin:

Kicked to the back, head off, with the fire. They have the procedure down, that’s for sure.

And… credits.

CALLED IT!

He said, as if it was a real accomplishment.

Colin:

Goddamn it. After you got my hopes up that it wasn’t gonna be a dream. Of course she was still holding his fucking hand. BE MORE ORIGINAL. The sad thing is that there were tens of millions of teen girls around the world who thought this was the most brilliant plot trick in the history of anything.

So Alice literally just negated the climax of this movie.

I can’t tell if I respect them for this or not.

Colin:

I sure as hell don’t. So that’s how you show everyone a gratifying fight and then immediately take it all back.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and I’m all out of fucks to give.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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