Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), Part III — “Some Random Is Gonna Get Hatefucked Tonight”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Part III.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the third part of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
We begin Part III with a return from one of our old friends…
The Marauder’s Map.
I’m glad that’s just back. No fanfare. Like the Invisibility Cloak earlier. None of that, “There’s one place we’re going to get all of this!” bullshit.
That’s how wizards jerked off in the Dark Ages.
“Oh yeah, look at her, walking around that cave. I bet she’s washing clothes, too…”
They start talking about Dean and Ginny. Ron wants to know what he sees in her.
“She’s smart, funny, attractive, got an ass for days… and her head game…”
“Hermione’s got a good head game too.”
What actually happens here is that Harry starts going on about how great she is and starts talking about how good Ginny’s skin is.
She’s a ginger. Nice skin is not usually where you start with them. She’s pale. Just you wait til you’re both 50 and she’s gotten a little too much sun. And then what time is it? Melanoma o’clock.
And then Ron says, “Are you saying Dean’s dating my sister because of her skin?” Ah. Ah. A contributing factor, perhaps. Yup, race MAY have something to do with this.
The Slug Club.
(Of course they’re eating dessert. Because dinner doesn’t exist in this place.)
(Also, that was totally a pun, in case you people didn’t realize how awesome I was.)
Slughorn asks Hermione what her parents do. In the muggle world.
I love how he says “the muggle world.” This racism is enjoyable.
“My parents are dentists.”
Why is Neville here? He’s not a boss in any way at all, and everyone that isn’t badass in some way is there because of a family connection. Was it a, “So, Neville! I understand both of your parents are languishing in insanity as a result of brutal torture at the hand of a witch who is currently at large! Fascinating!” Don’t tell me Slughorn used to fuck Neville’s grandmother.
I bet that’s what it is, you guys.
They didn’t get the last name Longbottom for nothing.
OH MY GOD THERE REALLY ARE GIRLS FROM THE SHINING IN THIS FRANCHISE!
And look who it is…
Slughorn addresses her by name. So he can remember the Weasley name when it’s a young lady. It truly is just Ron being useless.
“Look at her eyes – they’ve been fighting again. Her and Dean.”
Of course the one major black character in the franchise doesn’t know who his father is and is prone to domestic violence. Of course he is.
And what do you “fight” about at this age? If you’re crying over a high school “fight”…don’t.
I feel like I can’t respond to this without it getting super racist.
So let’s just leave it at the regular level of racist that we’re usually at.
OH MY GOD SHE HAS TWO BLACK EYES.
Why is it supposed to be weird that he stood up? That’s the gentlemanly thing to do. (Savages.)
You should have fucked him when you had the chance, Granger.
All hands on dick.
They all know.
Oh dear god.
Laying it on a bit thick, aren’t you Cormac? I think he just skipped from “first-name basis” to eating her out.
Anyway, after everyone leaves, Harry stays behind.
I can’t even make a joke about it, because this is too blatant to even bother.
But all right, we will anyway.
Harry was just looking for the umm… the stationary.
This is some weird bullshit thing that really has no purpose that they introduce for no reason, so we’ll skip it.
Looks cool, though.
Slughorn says Harry’s a sure thing to “make the shelf.”
There comes a point where you can’t improve on what’s already there.
Harry asks if Voldemort ever made the shelf.
(I’m gonna go up to a woman in the club and ask her if she wants to “make the shelf.”)
And then there’s some awkward conversation that doesn’t really go anywhere that’s just strange all around. Very bad writing, this one.
But that thing’s cool to look at.
“Mama said these were my magic shoes…”
That is the official retarded kid helmet, though, isn’t it?
The toast line is back!
We’ve just gone Wes Anderson.
Ron asks about the dinner party.
Hermione says it was boring.
“Though I think Harry enjoyed dessert.”
Slughorn’s also doing a Christmas one. They’re supposed to bring somebody.
Ron thinks she’s going to ask the creepy fuck. Since he is in the Slug Club too, after all. (Why would she do that, Ron? Why would you invite someone who already has an invitation to something?)
(Actually, do you think that works? If you invite a person with an invitation as your plus one, does that make them power up and make you better than other people?)
Joining forces to power up at a professor’s Christmas party. Public service announcement: Mike thinks of most things in the context of Megazords.
(Side note: I’m the best with making awesome text sounds for people.)
(And my actual text message sound is actually way better than either of those things.)
“Actually, I was going to ask you. Dick.”
“Good luck today, Ron. Do you need anything? Water, a blowjob?”
Ron freaks out. He says he’s resigning. Harry don’t care as long as he drinks.
I love her.
WHERE DID THIS GIRL COME FROM? Luna pops up out of nowhere, never looking normal. One of the top characters in the franchise for exactly this reason. I never liked her much in the books, because you didn’t get this same effect. You know that the filmmakers sat down and were like, “Okay, let’s orchestrate this shot so that she appears out of thin air. And go get her some shit to put on her head, she looks too normal.”
Also great about this — she’s a Ravenclaw.
She says Ron looks horrible and asks if that’s why Harry put something in his cup.
“Is it a tonic?”
(I love alcohol.)
And way to notice Harry putting shit in Ron’s drink and yet being totally cool about it. This is like From Russia With Love.
That’s twice now we came back to that. Which is funny, since this is not the From Russia with Love of this franchise.
Nice moment. Ruined by Hermione saying “liquid luck” out loud. Why wouldn’t you let the audience be smart enough to figure it out on their own? You tell them this and yet don’t give them a fucking clue about Ollivander until twenty minutes later? What the fuck?
“Don’t drink it, Ron!”
Why ya eyein’ my lemon drink, Luna?
We’ve now gotten into our Space Jam portion of the film.
“You could be expelled for that.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Also, why? A fucking teacher gave it to him. Does Quidditch really have PED issues?
Is Hogwarts really gonna require piss tests for their players?
Is there really an asterisk era in the Quidditch history books?
Ducks fly together.
Da na na na na NA NA!
I love that if you remove one of the little na’s, it becomes the theme from Thunderball.
Isn’t it funny that whenever the game matters even in the slightest, Gryffindor is always playing Slytherin? Not once do they play Ravenclaw in the movies. They play Hufflepuff once, and that’s when Harry doesn’t finish the match because of the dementors. All the games where the outcome is part of it are against Slytherin. It’s like this in the books, too. She doesn’t even try to mix it up. It’s just like, “No, it’s Slytherin. It’s always Slytherin.”
Which — how exactly does Quidditch work? There are only four teams in the school and they play each other. Presumably it’s not a three game season, so they all must face each other multiple times. So I’m just wondering what the season is like for them. The Hogwarts Express leaves on September 1st, right? So, figure, give them at least a week or two before the opening Homecoming game or whatever. And it’s clearly only played on weekends, since Harry already makes a remark in Azkaban about how he can’t write Snape’s werewolf essay because “it’s Quidditch tomorrow.” (Which is funny, since in hindsight it sounds like him being like, “The game’s tomorrow and I’m gonna get so blitzed afterwards I won’t even be able to move until Sunday night.”) So it must be played only on Saturdays, and there can only be one game a week, given the physical toll the games often take on the players. So, that gives them about 15 weeks with which to play games in the fall, and that’s being lenient and assuming they play all the way up to the last few days before Christmas break and play a Thanksgiving game. So, figuring it ends a few weeks earlier for finals and shit — 12 weeks. 12 games on the front end.
And since Quidditch is a year-round event (isn’t it?), there must be 12 more games on the back end as well. So you have to figure they’re playing each house at least 4 times per season, or 8, if it’s year-round. Which makes sense. Then again, you also factor in playoffs and shit — it’s not 24 games. Though, I can’t see how they can really be doing playoffs. Probably it’s just the top seeded team plays the second seeded team and the other two play for consolation. So that cuts into the season, since you’d think they’d give them a week or two off to prepare for that.
But even so, that’s way too many games, given all the shit that happens and the work the kids have to do. There’s no way Harry would have time to do all of what he does and play Quidditch. So it must be a limited amount of games. They probably only play each house like twice. Since there’s probably only one game a weekend, so that limits stuff right there. There are only six different permutations of matchups (hooray, math!), so you figure at best you’re getting to face each team twice in a term. And then there are a couple extra weeks in which to have playoffs and shit. Though that would almost certainly be in the spring and not in the fall. So at worst, you’re getting six Quidditch games a season, and at best, they’re getting twelve.
Well, at least I figured it out. And that does lead to a higher probability that a Gryffindor Quidditch match would be against Slytherin. But even so… come on, Rowling. We never even see Ravenclaw in a game. (Which is funny, since there’s actually a game that happens where it’s Ginny vs. Cho.)
He is a beautiful animal.
Ron is a BEAST!
And Ginny bangs one through!
That was fucking awesome, that shot. I love them showcasing the violent aspects of the game.
Damn. Even the crowd shots are crisp here. I’m glad this got nominated for Cinematography. (Too bad Azkaban didn’t as well. Because I’m sure we remember all the great landscapes of Seabiscuit and Cold Mountain…)
There’s Cho Chang in the middle of this crowd, above and to the right of Luna. Ravenclaws be all mixed in here.
(Note: When he says “mixed,” he means two things.)
He just peaked.
And she just came.
Now there’s a shot.
And let’s get the reverse.
I actually like the little footrests on the brooms. They never make a big deal out of them, but they’re actually a nice touch.
Ron’s gonna get some pussy tonight.
Who brought the Jägermeister machine?
Hermione says Harry shouldn’t have done it.
“I suppose I could have just used the Confundus charm.”
I was waiting for the appropriate moment when Hermione complained about cheating to call her on a double standard, but Harry beat me to it. For the first time in several films, I actually like him for something. That said, how’d he know she used the charm? She muttered it under her breath with her hand over her mouth, half a pitch away up in the stands.
I think it’s more like, “There’s no way this motherfucker would jerk so violently and miss so badly without being cursed.” It’s a natural assumption. I was thinking that too, as I watched it. “So this isn’t gonna seem obvious to everyone? This motherfucker was slo-mo kicking that thing a second ago, and now all of a sudden he’s gonna freak out and jerk way in the other direction out of nowhere?”
AND THE FOLLOW THROUGH.
He only made Ron think he put it in.
(And now she’s gonna let him put it in.)
Keg! SOMEBODY DO A BUTTERBEER KEG STAND!
Oh, some random is gonna get hatefucked tonight.
That chick behind them looks like a total hippie. “Yeah, free love, man. Right on!”
And Hermione’s gone.
GREAT shot. Holy shit. This cinematography is actually making me forget how bad this movie is.
Nice shot of the shadow as he comes down the spiral staircase to Hermione.
Damn. All of these shots are gorgeous.
“How does it feel, Harry? When you see Dean with Ginny.”
“I know. I see the way you look at her. You’re my best friend.”
I don’t really want to make jokes here, because it’s actually a nice moment. The only thing that ruins it is the fact that the movies have had such little build up to the two relationships that it doesn’t have the complete depth it should. But, going along with it – it’s a nice moment. I’m glad they included it. I like when they include these human moments in these films.
Here’s my question. If asked, would Ginny leave Dean RIGHT NOW to be with Harry? Because if so, it kinda proves my point that she’s just with these guys to be with them. If not, the whole thing about her longing for Harry all along sort of just falls flat. The only other option is that he would ask her out, and she would say no because even though she likes him, she doesn’t want to make things awkward with Dean, which would be rich coming from the girl who’s dated like fifteen guys in two years.
He go’n get some pussy.
Awful timing. But isn’t that always how it is?
“Oops!” she says, being a HUGE cunt about it.
“What’s with the birds?”
Oh, she’s gonna fucking murder you.
Oh, she’s gonna have the birds do it for her!
Wow, she just killed those birds.
So…stay in this room and get pummeled by enchanted birds…or leave and get some head. Yeah, I’ll see you later.
“It feels like this.”
I really love this scene.
Wow, they really are going to fuck. That’s awesome.
As you fools play your silly love games, I stare out into the darkness, for I am evil!
So naturally they’re talking about it the next day.
Hermione says she could care less. (This coming right after a scene where Ron says he’s a “free agent.”)
Hermione says she thought she was gonna go to Slughorn’s thing with Ron, but instead she had to make “other” arrangements.
It’s Krum, isn’t it?
Harry’s like, “Bitch, we could have just went together.” And Hermione’s like, “Oh, fuck. I didn’t think of that.”
Of course you didn’t. You wanted the Bulgarian Box Ripper.
(But actually — wouldn’t it have been funny if they randomly brought back Krum for this one thing? That would have really thrown a monkey wrench into Ron’s feelings about Hermione.)
She also says that chick over there has been trying to sneak a love potion into his food and drink.
Dude, let her.
“Ayo, not now.”
“She’s only interested in you because she thinks you’re the Chosen One.”
“But I am the Chosen One.”
This is how most of my exchanges go.
Also, have you noticed that Harry is a lot less of a dick now? He’s a lot more attentive to other people after he realized how important his friends were to him.
This is probably my favorite moment in the whole franchise, and the reason I can’t hate Harry completely. “That chick is trying to drug ME with a love potion? Sure she didn’t already? God DAMN! Doesn’t matter that she only wants me cause I’m the Chosen One. I AM the Chosen One.” Let it be noted that Harry Potter was a straight up gangsta for at least five seconds of his life. Now he’s boring again.
Harry says he’ll invite someone he likes to the party. Someone cool.
(Shit, invite that chick. You know you’ll get some.)
He wins at life. That is the perfect choice.
Yeah! Luna’s the cool one he should have ended up with. He says he’s gonna take someone cool, and they cut to her just standing there like a weirdo. Awesome. She’s also just a lock as a date. Not because she’s a skank, but because she’s never doing anything real, so you ask her if she wants to do something and the answer is always yes.
I like that they keep the robes for dressing up purposes and special events or whatever. I like that it’s not an all the time or none of the time thing. It seems like they were thinking about going that way for a while.
Oh man. Lanterns always make shit look good. This guy pulled out all the tricks. Good for him. This is the best showcase he could have for his talent. I’d say he’s doing a damn fine job of taking advantage of it.
Nice little segue between moments, too. And also a nice way to set up the geography for something that’s gonna happen in a bit.
No explanation as to what this is at all. Not that there’s supposed to be. But, it just feels like there ought to be at least a little bit more.
Well at least we got that. The apple left and came back.
I’m just going to make a note, for posterity’s sake — Luna says, on the way to the party, that she’s never been to this part of the castle. Malfoy setting up the geography here shows that they were right near the Room of Requirement as she said that. So…that place they used as a practice room for the entirety of the previous year. This works in terms of film setup and a nice juxtaposition for the scene, but not in terms of continuity.
Oh, I thought she meant anal.
That part of the castle.
Driver’s license photo.
Oh Jesus, Neville. (Also, sup, girl in the back?)
She invited Cormac. Oh, that’s not interesting. Wouldn’t it have been great if Krum showed up again? That’s exactly what you do with this sort of situation. Go get plowed by your ex.
This guy is awesome. That’s how you do your job.
She finds out they give you horribly bad breath.
She thinks that’ll keep him away from her.
She must not know men.
“She just left, mate.”
“What are these things?”
You don’t vomit on Snape.
“You just bought yourself a month’s detention, McLaggen.”
“Not so quick, Potter.”
I love Snape.
He’s got a message for Harry.
“Bet it all on Lucky Dan.”
Or rather… Dumbledore says enjoy his holidays, since he’ll be traveling and won’t see him before next term. Which is a weird message, since Dumbledore has actively avoided Harry all years except this one.
“Where is he traveling?”
Snape is awesome.
This man’s badassery knows no bounds. You ask me a question? PEACE!
“Take your hands off me, you filthy squib!”
Wow. Is that the first time someone’s mentioned it, in-film?
(Also, Tom Felton was in the Planet of the Apes reboot they just did. So that’s kind of humorous.)
Obviously Slughorn’s cool with the ‘dirty squib’ crack. Racism!
And wassup, guy rocking the handlebar? That’s awesome!
Asian guy with a handlebar? You win, sir.
“You’re fucking up, Malfoy.”
Snape’s pissed. He made the Unbreakable Vow and this fucking kid can’t do shit right.
(I love that they do this in long shot.)
God DAMN look at that shot. That’s some Roger Deakins Assassination of Jesse James shit right there.
Dump this bitch right now.
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
“What happens if you break an Unbreakable Vow?”
(They said, completely ignoring Hermione’s feelings.)
I love that they all gather at the Burrow for holidays. Best dinners ever.
What is this haircut? I didn’t recognize her at all at first. I was thinking, “Where’s Tonks, and who’s this skinny Liza Minnelli?”
Lupin’s like, “Look – we trust Dumbledore. Dumbledore trusts Snape. Therefore, I do.”
They don’t even pretend like there’s doubt about it in these movies. There’s clearly only one outcome. That’s all they’ve ever said.
Oh yeah… it’s that time.
Arthur Weasley. For the win.
“Open up, you.”
(How does she know my best pickup line?)
“Don’t you trust me?”
What is this, Aladdin?
You have to bite it.
“What’s going on, guys?”
Are those cookies made like pies? Oh my god, that’s genius.
This is awesome. All the pro-Cho people (there’s a platform…) are ecstatic about this right now.
Jesus, Ron. You go on the cock block list with Dumbledore. Even their DAD got up and was gonna let them get it on.
I love that Arthur takes him out to the shed. This is usually when you get the “Don’t you fuckin’ hurt my daughter, or I’ll cut your nuts off and feed ’em to a manticore.”
“We’re being followed. All of us.”
Which is a line I really like. I like imagining that. And the fact that he knows…
Arthur also sent a guy to Borgin and Burke’s. (This is some spy shit, right here.) What Draco’s been using is a Vanishing Cabinet.
This reminds me of a shot Disney uses a lot.
They don’t even really give you anything to suggest that they’re together. Bad writing.
Oh, she calls him “sweetheart.” But still… come the fuck on.
Lupin always seems to know when shit’s up.
Oh goddamn. She won’t take no for an answer, will she?
“Has Ron gone to bed?”
So first she hand-feeds him, and then she ties his shoelaces? This is vaguely Japanese.
I really don’t want to know where it ends up.
“Merry Christmas, Harry.”
Just fuck already. Seriously. This isn’t even subtle.
Oh, what, you’re worried about Dean? Dean would have tore up Hermione’s cooter six ways from Sunday if you gave him the chance. Just fuck her, Harry. You can’t say she doesn’t want it.
Yeah, you can’t blame this one on, “We got interrupted.” You had more than enough time to make a definitive statement. This one’s on you, buddy. Do you always need mistletoe to make a move?
(Show of hands, how many people are thinking Romeo Must Die right now?)
(No, it’s not you. I went as obscure as I could for that one. That’s what happens when you have too many options. You go for the back wall.)
What up, Bellatrix?
Oh, you stupid bastard.
She literally just created a ring of fire, showed up, then turned and ran. What the fuck do you think she’s trying to do? She ain’t even attack no one. This is how Santino went!
Well no fucking shit!
Oh, for fuck’s…
And there goes Ginny.
Nice sound work here.
This’ll end well.
Hey, it’s Fenrir Greyback, another werewolf with two coincidentally lupine names.
I don’t get it.
He eats yo Stupefys.
And then disappears.
Seriously, though, A++ on the cinematography of this movie.
This is actually pretty badass. They’re fighting people they can’t see.
Seriously, what’s with the Joan Jett hair, Tonks?
I’m not sure what the end game was for this attack, but I like how they handled not being able to achieve their primary objective. At least something was accomplished.
How do they do the flying thing? Remember how in Order of the Phoenix, Lupin and Tonks could both do that? This would seem an appropriate time to break that out again.
That’s pretty fucked up. I don’t remember this being in the books, either. I feel like they added this specifically for the movie. It doesn’t make too much sense, yet it’s a nice sad little moment, so we’ll go with it.
So they blew up the house, after everyone was clearly outside. Think maybe you should have done that when you showed up, instead of luring everyone outside first? You can’t make bad guys supremely powerful and simultaneously minimize the amount of damage they actually inflict on the good guys without making them appear either inept or incompetent.
Let’s just stare at the burning building, guys. It’s not like we can make water come out of our wands at will. Oh, maybe Aguamenti? You guys know that one, right? Didn’t they teach you Waterga at Howgarts? No? I guess just let the place burn down.
And that’s where we’ll END PART III.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part IV and horcruxes and hood rat stuff.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)