Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2011), Part IV — “Ghosts Can’t Give You Handys”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series — Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, Part IV.

We begin Part IV after Harry finds out he has to die.

As much as I don’t love it, it’s nice.

“We thought you went to the forest.”

“I’m going there now.”

“What is it, Harry? What do you know?”

“There’s a reason I can hear them. The horcruxes.”

“I think I’ve known for a while.”

Colin:

Ron’s in the back, like, “Known what for a while? What’s happening?”

“And I think you have too.”

“I’ll go with you.”

Oh, that’s heartbreaking.

“No. Kill the snake. Kill the snake and then it’s just him.”

This is such a fucked up moment. Remember when this franchise began with happiness and magic? Now it’s going to end with a boy willingly going to die.

Colin:

Please notice how during all of this – him saying his goodbyes, going off to die, leaving everything he knows – we aren’t even reminded of Ginny even once. He’s not like, “Oh, I gotta go get some before I peace,” or anything like that.

I know.

Colin:

Nobody else sees him walk out? They’re really killing it with the security, here. Especially considering that there are no longer any defenses keeping out Death Eaters. Hey, three people who put up the defenses last time: if you can spare another ten seconds, now would be the time to go ahead and do that again.

My question is — where are all the Death Eaters chilling now? That’s all clear, Voldemort’s in the forest with like, six people max, and later we see a bunch of Death Eaters gathered with him? So what did they do, reconvene at the ashes of the Quidditch pitch? You know they ain’t burying their dead.

“I’m ready to die.”

(Way to fully explain that he realizes what that actually means. I mean, if it comes down to it, I’d rather no explanation than clunky explanation, which is almost certainly what that would get if this franchise tried it, but… kind of comes out of nowhere that he’s just like, “Oh, right. I know what this means now.” Maybe a little more subtlety with the facial acting, is all I’m asking.)

♫ “It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up Magazine…” ♫

That’s what it does, right?

Or, the Resurrection Stone.

Jesus, that thing is like Vader’s helmet.

It’s 150 points and it can bring people back from the dead.

Who said it was just a game?

Again, though, with the horrible ADR. “The Resurrection Stone.” … Yes, thank you. We know what the fuck it is.

Colin:

Does anyone actually do this? He got the Resurrection Stone, and says, “The Resurrection Stone…” Is it just me, or is that weird? Usually you’d say something like, “Yeah, I got the motherfucking Resurrection Sone!” or something like that. This feels overly dramatic. But then, Harry is known to have a touch of unnecessary drama about him.

“Yeah, I Gotta Use That Motherfuckin’ Resurrection Stone!”

They should have him toss it in the air like Ash.

No Dumbledore, though, right? Don’t want to talk to that prick right now.

No wonder that chick he brought back from the dead turned cold toward that one brother. She was a fucking ghost! (Also, I don’t get it. What kind of resurrection stone is this? That mirror does the same thing.)

Colin:

Is this what the resurrection stone did? If so, that thing doesn’t resurrect SHIT.

Ghosts can’t give you handys.

“You’ve been so brave, sweetheart.”

“Why are you here? All of you?”

“We never left.”

“Well that wasn’t very helpful. Anyone else want to give me something useful?”

Colin:

So the people you care about most are always with you? This is one of those in-your-head or in-your-heart things? So if I was in this situation, it’d be like, Steve McQueen, Peter Falk, and…maybe James Brown, just to make things interesting.

Mine would be ABBA. But not Björn. Nobody wants Björn.

“Does it hurt?”

“Quicker than falling asleep.”

Colin:

Jeez, man. It takes me kind of a long time to fall asleep.

“You’re nearly there, son.”

Why are you saying that like it’s a good thing?

“I never wanted any of you to die for me. And Remus – your son –”

Wait, she gave birth already? Good job telling us that, movies!

“Others will tell him what his mother and father died for.”

“You’ll stay with me?”

“Until the end.”

“And he won’t be able to see you?”

“No. We’re here, you see.”

“Stay close to me.”

“Always.”

(I get it.)

Sure, just toss it in the forest. It’s not like it’ll make you immortal or anything.

Though it is kind of useless, though, so I do get it.

The second brother got gypped.

No sign of Potter.

Colin:

Why is anyone talking to Voldemort at all? Didn’t you see what happened to Pius? Keep your mouths shut, people.

At least she’s sort of slinking up to him, the way a battered spouse would. She knows.

Colin:

Oh no, I meant the guy who says there’s no sign of him. He even winces, like he knows that The Riddler is gonna shoot him for bearing bad tidings.

For some reason the word “tidings” made me picture a Death Eater who talked to Voldemort in old-timey proper speak. “Greetings, my lord. I bid you good morrow.”

That would be awesome.

“I thought he would come.”

“Well this is awkward. I guess tell the caterer to cancel.”

Look at his face. Even he’s impressed.

“Harry? No! What are you doing here?!”

Colin:

Haha! They’ve got Hagrid! Why do they have Hagrid? Why is he suddenly here? He’s been practically written out of the franchise, too. He used to be the guy you’d go to when you needed information about something. You could ask, or trick him into saying something. All in all, I don’t think they respected him very much. But anyway, here he is on his knees, tied up.

I guess they didn’t want to buy any drugs.

Hagrid was actually useless after Azkaban. He was comic relief in Goblet, his whole bit was about giant fucking, and then Order of the Phoenix he doesn’t show up til Part IV with Grawp, and even then it’s like one scene. Then Half-Blood Prince — I forget what he even does. Pretty sure he’s barely there for most of it. And now, this is pretty much all we get, outside of the Burrows Run. It’s a shame, because we love Hagrid.

Also — what happened to Buckbeak? Does he take part in the Battle of Hogwarts? Is he still there? Or does he go off to do his thing, traveling abroad like Caine? Gryff Fu? Did he go release a demo and hit it big? Presumably he was captured by Hagrid or something in Azkaban — since Hagrid kept him around to meet Harry and be a demonstration for his class, and he could call him back whenever he wanted. But then he went off with Sirius. What happened after that? Did he return to the forest? Did he go off and do his own thing?

What actually happened to Buckbeak?

Colin:

I thought I was the only person of our generation to watch Kung Fu, so that reference pleased me greatly. But if we’re drawing David Carradine parallels, I’m thinking that Buckbeak enjoyed his later years somewhere and died while using the chain around his neck for autoerotic self-asphyxiation.

Buckbeak: Dead in a Ditch

Colin:

The appropriate face to make when you hear about a hippogriff choking itself for pleasure is:

“Harry Potter.”

“The boy who lived.”

“Come to die.”

“Avada Kedavra!”

Colin:

It was a very short speech, but I really wanted this to have no monologue. Just, “AVADA KEDAVRA!” That’d have been perfect. If I ever write a movie with a great bad guy, you’re gonna expect a monologue and you’re not gonna get one.

I’m torn… because I love the idea of no monologue, but on the other hand… I love what he says before he does it.

Colin:

How about that incantation delivery, though? I love Ray Fiennes. That’s up there with UN-LIM-IT-ED PO-WER!

What Dreams May Come?

Just like Lana Turner.

(By the way, you guys ever see that movie 4 months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days?)

“Harry – you wonderful boy. You brave, brave man.”

And that’s the end of the franchise!

“That was some fucked up shit, though, that Voldemort fetus, right?”

Harry figures they’re at Kings Cross Station.

Colin:

“Yo. Quit stepping on my robes.”

“This is, as they say, your party.”

And he’ll cry if he wants to?

Colin:

“King’s Cross, is that right?” I was expecting a “hm” after that line, because the whole thing reeked of, “You think that’s AIR you’re breathing right now?”

“I expect you now realize that you and Voldemort have been connected by something other than fate since that night in Godric’s Hollow all those years ago.”

They also shared a Costco card.

Harry was the horcrux Voldemort never meant to make.

“I have to go back, haven’t I?”

“Well, that’s up to you.”

“We’re at Kings Cross, you say? I think, if you so desired, you’ll be able to board a train.”

Colin:

So, when you die in King’s Cross…you die in the real world?

My favorite part about this is the idea that Harry can just go, “Yeah… I’m good,” and call the game early on account of darkness and choose to die.

“And where would it take me?”

“Hoboken, New Jersey.”

“Shit… I have to go back now.”

“Voldemort has the Elder Wand.”

“Of course he does. I’m dead.”

“And the snake’s still alive. And I have nothing to kill it with.”

“Help will always be given at Hogwarts, Harry, to those who ask for it.”

“Motherfucker, that doesn’t help me.”

“I’ve always prized myself on my ability to turn a phrase.”

How about time? Turning that is just another thing?

“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion –” (at least he acknowledges it) “– our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it.”

Yes. The words to the spells. They can do both things.

“But I would, in this case, amend my original statement to this –”

“Bitches ain’t shit but hos and tricks.”

“Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it.”

He hasn’t gotten any help even when he’s asked for it. Remember when Dumbledore ignored his ass for a year?

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. And above all, all those who live without love.”

Why is he maintaining complete eye contact as he backs away. That’s creepy. Stop it.

(Also, his voice breaks as he says “love.” That felt deliberate.)

“Professor – my mother’s patronus was a doe. Wasn’t it?”

“The same as Professor Snape’s. Curious, don’t you think?”

“Actually, if I think about it, it doesn’t seem curious at all.”

Way to shut it down. “Fuck you, your thought is meaningless.”

“I’ll be going now, Harry.”

“Professor –”

“Is this all real? Or is it just happening inside my head?”

“Of course it’s happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it’s not real?”

Beautiful last words.

He left again without telling you anything.

Colin:

Thought I heard a very faint, “Try sellin’ rocks. I hear that’s what they do here.”

Come on, man. You know what you have to do. Don’t wanna end up in New Jersey.

“Bitch, sit down!”

(Where did all those people come from? Were they always there?)

Yes, go ask another member of the Malfoy clan to identify the body. That worked so well before.

“Is he alive? Draco – is he alive?”

Well of course you’re gonna nod. Even if he isn’t. Why would you tell her that he’s not alive when she holds your fate in her hands?

So if he didn’t save Draco in the Room of Requirement he wouldn’t be allowed to nod or something? So shines a good deed in a weary world? What is this? She won’t know. “Oh, man, I saved him and my son is dead…” Now what? Gonna go kill him or something? You got scammed. That’s it.

This worked completely for me in the book. But here, it’s like, “Just lie.”

“Dead.”

Colin:

Okay, so he’s alive here, as Narcissa checks him? He’s all good and is just faking from here on out? Is that it? What if someone else had checked him? Here’s another question – why use Avada Kedavra, which is purely magical killing? Why not just do the slit Harry’s throat thing like you did to Snape? Would that not work?

And I’m unclear on why he comes back in the first place. Is it because he’s the “Master of Death,” being that he’s the owner of the Cloak, the Stone, and technically the Wand? Or is it because he’s the owner of the Wand, and a wand will refuse to actually kill its owner? If he hadn’t figured out how to open the snitch and hadn’t found the stone, would this all count? It would technically still have been in his possession.

It’s probably a combination of that and the fact that the killing curse killed the horcrux.

But what I don’t get is why Voldemort wouldn’t do this shit himself? He fucking looked over Cedric after he killed him. You’re seriously gonna take Narcissa’s word on this? Motherfucker, don’t you know about the double tap? Do it anyway. Be sure.

And here’s our Deus ex Sorting Hat.

(I like how there’s randomly a wagon wheel just on the rubble. There’s always a wagon wheel.)

I like how they keep him tied up for this. There’s seriously no purpose for this at all.

You think there was a moment where Voldemort was like, “So we went to school together…this is all pretty fucked up, isn’t it?”

“Out of my way, tubby.”

Colin:

That wasn’t even his wand! Did he just dump that giant corpse using the Force?

“Harry Potter is dead!”

“Stupid girl. Harry Potter is dead. From this day forth, you put your faith –”

“In me.”

What a great line. I love this guy.

Reaction shots are the key to tragedy.

“Harry Potter is dead!”

(King Kong ain’t got shit on him.)

Such joy.

Driver’s license photo.

Colin:

Voldemort kills at Death Eater stand up clubs.

Like… he does well, or he kills people.

This is also a nice moment. Come and join us or die.

Do people even remember Professor Sprout? Would there have been a big outcry if she wasn’t in this movie?

This is great. They call Draco like those scenes where two people are trying to call the same animal or child.

“Draco – come.”

This is like when your parents make you come inside when you still want to hang out.

This is the most wonderfully awkward hug I’ve ever seen.

Colin:

The way he curls around Draco and moves his right hand, it looks like he’s gonna take a lock of Draco’s hair or something. 

Dean knows what I’m talking about.

Colin:

And look behind him! That’s the blackest wizard EVER!

You know it’s true, folks. He didn’t even mention that Cho was in this shot.

Or Rosie O’Donnell.

Neville, what the fuck are you doing, Neville?

“Well, I must say, I’d hoped for better.”

He has his own laugh track. This is great.

“And who might you be, young man?”

“Neville Longbottom.”

Great cut.

Colin:

Helena Bonham Carter does seem like one of those people, who, when she sees the child of the people she tortured into insanity, would chuckle with her tongue out.

“Well, Neville, I’m sure we can find a place for you in our ranks.”

What ranks? Are they gonna set up a new government? Is he gonna get some sort of postmaster position out of this? What the fuck does that mean? Do you really think shit is gonna go back to being stable after this?

“I’d like to say something.”

Colin:

…and then you ain’t gonna say no more?

Harry Potter TV series idea: A company called Chiffo Robes.

If I can get that onto Diagon Alley, my life is complete.

“Well, Neville, I’m sure we’d all be fascinated to hear what you have to say.”

What a brilliant moment. This is actually one of the only human moments Voldemort ever gets. Look at him, controlling his anger. Having a rational thought, thinking it through, like, “How dare he speak out of turn, I want to kill this fuck. No, no, if I do that, they won’t come over as easily. Calm down. Let him talk.” It’s really great. One of my favorite Voldemort moments.

“It doesn’t matter that Harry’s gone. People die every day. Friends, family. Yeah – we lost Harry tonight, but he’s still with us.”

“In here.”

Lotta stuff happening “in here.”

Look at Percy. That is Percy, right? Which reminds me – I don’t think I brought it up before, and I should have – what exactly was Percy’s deal during all of this? I remember he was a snooty prefect in the first couple films, and then in the books he turned into the straight-laced Republican of the family, working for the Ministry and being all pro-Fudge. What happened to him after the Death Eaters took over? Do they ever address it? Probably in the books, but in the movies – Percy just sort of disappears after movie three. Just meant to bring that up at some point and remembered it now.

I hope that’s Percy, otherwise this is totally out of place.

Colin:

That is Percy. He was estranged for a long time cause of his Ministry affiliation, but after the Ministry fell to Death Eaters, he finally realized he’d be wrong the whole time and apologized. The films do not address this, they just put another red-haired person here that isn’t Bill or Charlie and you’re expected to know. Sort of like Draco in the first film. “Red hair, shitty clothes…must be a WEASLEY!”

Anyway, back to the monologue. We last left it at “in here.”

“So’s Fred. Remus. Tonks. All of them.”

Colin:

This is another moment where I really wished there hadn’t been a monologue. This is Voldemort we’re talking about, and he’s gonna run shit from now on. He shouldn’t let this little speech go on, as Neville tries to stir up resistance. The only way I see this working at all is if he’s allowing it only because it makes him giggle.

THE REALLY BLACK KID IS BACK!!!!

Colin:

THE OTHER SUPER BLACK WIZARD HAS A FLAT TOP! YESSSS!

“They didn’t die in vain.”

Romilda might have.

Get it? Died in…

Oh, sorry, this is serious.

“But you will!”

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Colin:

And now it makes sense. Voldemort’s laughing his ass off, and that’s awesome. “Son, that’s just the massive head wound talking. You ain’t shit.”

“Harry’s heart did beat for us. For all of us!”

Colin:

This is the speech that Neville’s really giving, by the way:

“Harry. I’m not afraid anymore. Professor Trelawney told me that I would fall in love with a dead man. I’d fall in love, and that man I loved would be the Chosen One. So you see, you can’t be dead. You can’t be, because I love you. You hear me? I love you.”

I love Air Bud.

(Also, pretty sure Harry’s heart beat for oxygen.)

Confringo!

(Wait, so now you use a spell that will hurt them? What the fuck?)

Dude, you just blew up a BUNCH of your friends. Not a great way to come back from the dead.

Colin:

Is that snake made of mirror? What just happened?

But those aren’t his friends, those are Death Eaters. The angle is sort of wrong, but you can see how this is the far right side of that group — Harry is in Hagrid’s arms at the far left side of the Death Eaters, so this is his shot as he runs forward towards the good guys and he’s shooting over his right shoulder. The good guys are to the left of this frame and he just bowled over a bunch of bad guys.

For some reason I did not keep track of spatial continuity there at all.

So I will revise my statement:

This.

Let’s go with take two.

Why is that funny? Or does she wanna get fucked?

And the fight is back on.

YEAH, KINGSLEY! YOU MAKE THAT FUCKING BARRIER!

♫ “The Jets are gonna have their way, TONIGHT!” ♫

And there go the Malfoys.

Colin:

Narcissa and Draco are going to follow the yellow brick road. And there goes Lucius. Here’s my thing, though – Voldemort asked before. How can they live with themselves? For the whole time Draco’s been growing up, he’s been taught to be evil, basically. And his parents have demonstrated evil by example the whole time. Now they’re bitching out to be on the side of good? So this is the part where his parents have to tell him that everything they ever taught him was wrong. This is the kind of life-shattering shit that either turns you into an alcoholic or saps your self-worth so badly that you never recover and stay a little bitch your whole life. You think Draco’s telling his kids to be nice all the time? He doesn’t know how to be a good guy.

He kind of does, though, since he’s been struggling with it a lot. But you’re right… it is interesting to think about what happens to that family over the next seventeen years. Lucius must have to go into hiding and die in squalor (unless Harry has them forgiven for not telling Voldemort he was still alive… but even then… shame), and Draco must sort of have to internally live with what he’s done, and that tattoo.

He probably ends up like Biff.

Colin:

Yes! That’s EXACTLY what I was getting at! He’s probably waxing Harry’s broomstick.

Oh.

OH.

Oh… Harry never got to say “Before this war is over, I’m going to kill you,” to him.

We’ll have to END PART IV there.

– – – – – – – – – –

We finish the franchise tomorrow with Part V and the boss fight to end all boss fights (in this franchise).

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