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Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005), Part I — “I Think He Has DRAIDS”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The last of the franchise.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the first part of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

Star Wars - Title Card

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - Title Card

20th Century Fox Logo - Star Wars

Lucasfilm Logo - Star Wars

Thanks guys, for all the material.

Star Wars - A long time ago in a galaxy far far away

20th Century Fox Logo - Star Wars

Lucasfilm Logo - Star Wars

Let’s analyze our final title scroll:

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“War! The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Sith Lord, Count Dooku. There are heroes on both sides. Evil is everywhere.”

I like the first part. “War!” Big fan of that.

The rest of it…so-so.

Not sure why Dooku is the figurehead for the separatists. I’d rather them just say “the separatists” at this point. Though I get that you need to bring up Dooku to remind people of him.

But then again… no you don’t. Just have him show up. He’s not that important (otherwise he’d last past the first twenty minutes of the movie). We don’t need every character’s name in the title scroll. Especially when… you know… he NEVER MENTIONS ANAKIN OR OBI-WAN IN THE FUCKING TITLES AT ALL!

But he is getting better. “Ruthless Sith lord.” This is a buzz word. So good job there.

“There are heroes on both sides.” I’m conflicted about this line. I like the idea, and I like the sentiment, but the way Lucas writes it… it seems hackneyed. I guess because it’s followed by, “Evil is everywhere,” which is just a big dick in the ass. You’re not saying that everyone is fighting heroically, you’re saying that everyone is doing terrible shit. Or both. And you can’t have both. I think you need to phrase that line differently, but overall, I’m okay with the sentiment.

Colin:

There are not heroes on both sides. I don’t know what that means. One side is an evil Sith Lord controlling an army of mechanical soldiers he bought from Space China (I feel like we’ve been beating around the bush for some time now that the Trade Federation is actually China. Could this be an allegory?). But name me one hero on the Separatist side. Go ahead.

And ‘evil is everywhere?’ You do know what everywhere means, don’t you? There can’t be heroes on both sides and evil everywhere. You can’t have either of those things, and you ESPECIALLY can’t have both of those things. I can feel the bile rising in my throat.

DRINK.

Not a bad first paragraph, all things considered. The best we’ve had in the prequels so far.

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“In a stunning move, the fiendish droid leader, General Grievous, has swept into the Republic capital and kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine, leader of the Galactic Senate.”

“Stunning move,” “Fiendish leader,” “swept,” “kidnapped” — I love almost every word in this paragraph.

Not sure we need the “leader of the Galactic Senate” part, but it’s more “unnecessary” than “awful.” But overall, I think this paragraph also works, and even better than the last one. So we’re actually trending upward here.

Colin:

Okay, there’s a dude named General Grievous, and he’s the fiendish leader of the droids. A bit comic book, but okay.

The comic book part, as I’ve said all along, is what makes it good.

But I’m glad you didn’t say anything negative. That means it’s actually not an awful paragraph.

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“As the Separatist Droid Army attempts to flee the besieged capital with their valuable hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Chancellor…”

Don’t like the word “valuable,” do like the word “besieged,” don’t like that we never mention Anakin at all. Do like the phrase “desperate mission.”

Colin:

How did he just sweep into Coruscant? Was it a smash and grab job? Did they send a hooker to lure Palpatine and then put a sack over his head?

Again, it’s that back of a book writing, but I think it’s one of those things that just works. One of those blatant military operations that’s so bold it takes everyone by surprise and just works.

Captain Spiers, baby. Motherfucker came back.

But I like that aspect. Because it leads you to imagine some sort of crazy audacious storm of the capital.

Which… may or may not be construed as heroic (?)

Also, doesn’t this make Grievous somewhat heroic?

Since it’s not like he’s blatantly evil, he’s just a general on the evil side. And I looked up his history from all the other shit (since I am willing to do that for characters I enjoy… more on that later), and it seems like he’s got no real beef with the Republic at large as much as he does, some smaller conflict that feeds itself into what side he’s on. So if anything, he’s kind of heroic.

Colin:

This brings up a larger question that I’ve been meaning to pose – how do these planets get locked down, especially during a war? We see ships flying in and out of various planets’ atmospheres regularly, and there’s no toll booth, no gate, no nothing. Unless you put ships all around the planet (and I mean ALL around it, not just like that ring they put around Naboo. How about just skimming the surface and then heading straight up from one of the poles where there were NO blockade ships, assholes?) there would be no feasible way to defend against an attacking force that jumped out of hyperspace right at the edge of the atmosphere.

Wouldn’t besieged in this sense just mean that they’re constantly under attack? I don’t think it’s under siege, I just think all the evil ships are surrounding it and making them constantly have to fight and defend themselves, which is making them besieged.

Which brings me to another question — do they just have troops stationed everywhere? Has this place turned into space Poland? Are they just patrolling the streets, rounding up Separatist-leaning people? Putting them into space trains and sending them space camps?

Colin:

And remember how they were talking about space taxes and shit? How do you regulate trade when ships just zoom out into space without any check? It seems like anyone can go anywhere at anytime without having to show documentation or clear customs. I’m confused how they don’t just have small ships flying into Coruscant airspace disguised as local schmucks and then detonate them near important surface targets like the Senate building or the Jedi Temple. None of this is explained at all.

That sounds pretty awesome.

That would actually be a good way to get Palpatine. Show up, Hans Gruber style, as a freighter truck, delivering shit, then bust out with a bunch of guys, shoot everyone in the dock, and go right up to the senate chambers and snatch the motherfucker.

Then they actually would be climbin’ through your windows, snatchin’ your people up.

Colin:

Okay, so the droid army is trying to flee? Wouldn’t you just jump to hyperspace? And why were THEY there and where was the whole Republic’s army during all this? Wouldn’t you keep someone there? I get keeping a smaller force in your capital when you’re like, say – Nazi Germany. Cause the enemy is on the edge, being pushed out by you and has no way to get to your interior. But in space, which is 3D, and where your lines can be easily bypassed by ships passing through at light speed, you need to protect everything all the time. Coruscant should be locked the FUCK down.

It’s always Nazi Germany. Never Weimar Germany.

But it seems what happened is, they just captured him, and now Coruscant is… yeah, I got nothing. You would just go right into hyperspace.

But on the other hand, it does make for an exciting start, theoretically. And overall, this is actually an A- of a title scroll. It’s a bit too on the nose, exposition wise, in spots, and doesn’t mention our principal character. Otherwise — compared to the previous two films — good shit.

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We begin in the last act of Die Another Day, apparently.

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Or, another instance of small ships flying to big ships and a boring ass new intro.

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Only… they keep flying around for like, no reason.

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Oh… he actually meant “War!”

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This is like when Harry flies through the clouds in Deathly Hallows.

Also, George really likes his aerial battles, doesn’t he?

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Why are we still following these two ships? They’re not Ray and Karen, are they? Just use them to get to the battle then move onto other shit.

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I like this battle, and would like to see more of it, but you’re spending way too much time with these two planes.

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Oh, there we go. One’s Anakin.

Maybe you should have told us this sooner, George. Because in the meanwhile, you came off like a huge dick.

Also, what the fuck were they doing, just leisurely flying around these ships this whole time? Motherfucker, this is war? What if your tank captain just decided to roll around the banks of the Seine for ten minutes instead of crossing the field where you are GETTING SHOT AT?

Colin:

And once again, it’s Obi-Wan and Anakin (still not a full Jedi, by the way). This is like when Maggie Smith asked Harry, Ron and Hermione why it was always them when shit went down. Remember how at the end of the last film, Mace Windu led dozens of Jedi on a mission with the objective of rescuing Obi-Wan (and when he leaves the Senate, that’s exactly what he says they’re going to do)? Now the Supreme Chancellor of the galaxy is being held captive. I guess everyone else is way too busy for that, so we’ll send one Jedi and his helper.

Presumably they’re the only two Jedi who know how to fly planes.

“Lock onto him, R2.”

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“Don’t worry, I got this shit.”

Colin:

Anakin has his ships painted yellow to attract attention during battles. Arrogant?

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General Grievous’s ship is right ahead.

Colin:

Cerebro told them which ship was Grievous’.

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So what exactly is this Bluetooth thing they have? It is supposed to be Force wi-fi, right?

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Colin:

I like a space battle as much as (or more than) the next guy, but this felt gimmicky. Notice how the opening pan gives us a perfect view of what’s going on directly below this big ship. We can see in a few different directions, but most importantly, we can clearly see the space between the ship and the planet. Then we fly over the left edge of the ship, straight down, only this time there’s a battle happening there. You can’t make the claim that this battle was always there, because we’ve been given a clear vantage of where it’s going on already and there was nothing there. I’m sorry, but that’s what it is. If you can started at a flat angle, and just showed them flying over the top of the ship without having showed Coruscant first, and THEN did this reveal – that’d be cool. I’d also appreciate it more if there was no sound. Cause we’ve got the zooming of their starfighters, which is already breaking the rules about there being no sound in the vacuum of space, but we can’t hear the battle until we see it, at which point it becomes deafening? That doesn’t make even one IOTA of sense. I hate that this shot gets all this praise, because it doesn’t work continuity-wise, and it’s just a matter of them drawing some shit with a computer.

(Not sure where this is supposed to go, shot-wise. So feel free to move it.)

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Honestly I’d have been much more interested in these prequels if you started this way. I mean…

You know, it’s funny. I totally understand the story George was trying to tell. Broad strokes… it makes sense, and is kind of interesting. It’s just that, with his writing, and his storytelling abilities, he fucked it up so badly, that you almost don’t even think, “You know, this story is actually halfway decent.”

The person who steals the broad strokes of this franchise and uses it to tell a completely different story in a completely different setting is gonna do really well one day.

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Obi-Wan is red leader.

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Colin:

Why would you let them pass between you? Are you concerned about flying through debris? Cause you just did that, only with a much larger and more solid-looking ship’s wreck.

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Colin:

Set S-foils in attack position. Get it? It’s an early X-Wing sort of fighter.

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Why are you all flying so close?

Colin:

I love the idea of running shit so that when you’re going to attack something you can radio in and tell some dudes to “form up” behind you. That’s how I would organize a drive-by. “They gonna be sorry they messed wit Grove Street! Form up behind me.”

That’s gonna be funny a couple of franchises from now.

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Anakin goes to help the clones out.

Colin:

Gonna help him out? This sticks out like a sore thumb. There are thousands of them, this is their job, and you’re the leader. They’re here to get killed. Where’s his wingman? This is on him. But Anakin wanting to go help…doesn’t make any sense at all. Thanks for the reminder that he’s a “good guy” just before we see him do some seriously fucked up shit. (We all know what happens when you’re too busy calling shots to help out grunts on your own – you send in Ron Speirs.)

Did not know that reference was coming when I made mine earlier.

We should all drink.

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Missiles.

Colin:

Notice how he says, “Pull up,” and they go in two different directions? Actually, the same thing happened in Return of the Jedi when they realize the Death Star’s shield is still up. Which way is up? They should have a better system for this, because space doesn’t really have a ‘down’ (besides the enemy’s gate) per se.

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Colin:

What’s this about how R2 is just HIS droid now? Even though he was in the employ of the Naboo royal engineers originally, R2 went with Anakin in the Naboo starfighter that one time and ever since then, they’re just together. Did Anakin steal him or something? He was with them on Tatooine and Geonosis, but that was still on a Naboo ship. Now he just…hangs with Anakin. Was there a bill of sale?

R2 is working for his freedom papers.

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That’s the great thing about war – not too much to actually critique. You just sort of watch it.

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He smiles like an asshole a lot in this one. You think it’s directly related to how monotone he was in the last one?

Or is it because he’s getting laid now?

Which — how come Anakin is the only Jedi who fucks?

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Wouldn’t all these ships crash into Coruscant?

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Also, they’re taking the long way to get to Grievous’s ship. That was like, a full sixty seconds ago when it was just right ahead.

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Somebody charge the EMP.

Colin:

So instead of blowing up, these missiles go in front of you and drop a bunch of droids that then cut up your ship? I’m missing how that’s a good idea. How about how we’ve seen Obi-Wan dodge thousands of lasers from an expert dogfighter (Michael Vick ain’t got shit on Jango Fett) but he fails to avoid some fat droids that he FLIES INTO?

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Goddamn, son. He just got scalped!

Colin:

So this is how R4 sucks and is inferior to R2. Cause we needed something to demonstrate that.

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“Oh dear.”

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Colin:

The best part is how they go to work on his ship’s various parts instead of just cracking the glass over his cockpit, which…yeah, that’s the easiest way to kill the pilot. But then, if droids could think, there’d be none of us here, would there?

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So much of this in these prequels. Like when Anakin light sabered the bug off Padme’s tit. There’s no way you shoot these things and don’t take out the ship as well.

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Dementors?

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Isn’t it great how there’s a war going on around them? They’re basically useless to their side. Imagine if, in a football game, a tight end and a linebacker randomly decided to go have their own little battle on each and every play, despite whatever was drawn up. You’re not really helping the outcome of the game.

Colin:

Okay, I’m sort of into the buzz droid thing once Anakin starts trying to help. Since it’s always interesting when characters are in the middle of a huge battle or whatever and just trying to deal with their own shit. Like if there were tanks exploding and planes strafing everywhere and soldiers charging out of trenches and shit, and some asshole’s running around in the middle of everything just trying to get all the lobsters unclamped from his body – that’s comedy to me.

I love these articles.

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That thing sounded like Toad when he crushed it.

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Oh good, now you picked up the lice.

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“BACK THE FUCK UP, SON!”

(“Mind ya business, that’s all, just mind ya business!”)

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You guys remember Revenge of the Fallen?

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It’s also funny that they stop what they’re doing to give R2 advice like they’re fucking Mickey in his corner.

Colin:

Really, though? With the R2 vs. buzz droid fight? The center eye?

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Colin:

We have more moments of Obi-Wan acting like the nagging parent. “Did you FORGET to clean your room today? Did you NOTICE the shields are still up?” And then Anakin has to take care of it like nothing so we can be reminded that he makes up for absentmindedness with sheer ability. Never mind why a shield generator would be outside the shield itself. I would make a fortune with an internal shield generator. It’s just like this one, only you put it INSIDE instead of leaving it to be blown the fuck up by two lasers.

This reminds me of the final battle in Twisted Metal… 3. I think it’s 3. You’re on a giant airship, and you have to go around the final battle blowing up the respawn generators, so that way everyone who dies stays dead, otherwise they’ll just keep coming back. They’re just laying around the place, easy as shit to destroy.

Hooray, narrative convenience!

Colin:

The amusing thing here is that Obi-Wan’s pointing at something random. They could have used the same footage from him pointing to where Kamino should have been in the map in Attack of the Clones and just changed the CGI and you’d have no clue.

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Space explosion.

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“Oh, I have a bad feeling about this.”

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Why did you have a bad feeling about this? This is your mission. Did Seal Team 6 have a bad feeling?

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All… right.

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That was pretty cool, though.

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That was annoying as fuck.

Why must you ruin everything good, George?

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They just wipe out everyone.

Weird how there were only like fifteen droids in this garage. You’d think you’d beef up security the one place people could get in, especially when you could just blast open the lock that easily.

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And R2 gets to find out where Palpatine is.

Colin:

How do they know where he is? He has a SIGNAL? Did Judi Dench put something in his arm?

And Obi-Wan explains exactly where it is as if we couldn’t guess it was the fucking observation deck.

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They sense both Count Dooku and a trap.

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Naturally it’s funny.

Colin:

This is Obi-Wan’s ‘out of character’ movie. He’s a total ass throughout this entire film, and I feel like I have to point it out. I’ve brought this up on multiple occasions before, but Obi-Wan is an all-time great Jedi in terms of wisdom and prudence and shit like that. Some would even consider him on Yoda status in terms of wisdom. He doesn’t have Windu’s power, but he is intelligent. He’s supposed to be the foil to Anakin’s impetuousness. But here, Anakin defers to his master’s judgment, which turns out to be ‘springing the trap’ on themselves. No stealth? I think it’s the smirk that does it; if he’d suggested they spring the trap with a straight face, it would be badass and seem more calculated. This is like, “Oh, I want to have fun! We could do it a safer way, but this is more exciting!”

Maybe it’s a real inside joke.

Like, “Oh, that Ackbar… always going into other people’s rooms at night, putting his balls over their face and shouting “It’s a trap!” so they jolt up and put their faces in his balls…”

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“I’m ready to come too, guys.”

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“Nah, son, you can’t come.”

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“Watch the car.”

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Did you just tip him?

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And he was just ready to catch it?

Colin:

Remember how R2 had little thrusters? Now he has a hand that can reach out and catch shit. Fuck you, Lucas.

R2 is the Turbokat of this franchise.

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Is this the same as that Mean Joe Greene commercial?

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General Grievous, baby.

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Coughing like crazy.

I guess he has DRAIDS.

Colin:

Grievous…is strange. I don’t get the coughing and stuff. His voice is just as comic bookish as his name. But he’s a living being within that droid body. He has an organ sac or whatever, and his brain is in the head and everything. They’ve even messed with his brain and updated his DNA to improve him – apparently they couldn’t fix his TB, though.

What a great term.

“Hey baby, let me get a look at your organ sac.”

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He’s like Megatron by the end of that trilogy.

But seriously, how can a droid have a cough? Is Jeff Goldblum involved?

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What good are those things if they can’t shoot through doors?

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Oh, that’s pretty great.

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George has some pep in his step for this one. This is just like old times.

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Now… I will be really impressed if we cut to outside the elevator, and the doors open, and just Obi-Wan and Anakin walk outside, and all the droids are dead on the ground.

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That works too, I guess.

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Not as awesome, though. I’ll give you a B+.

And I’ll give myself two. Because I’ll probably need them to make it all the way through this.

Colin:

This bit with the droids in the elevator has been done so much better in several movies. Like this, or this. And who could forget this?

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I’m telling you – George loved The Fifth Element.

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The elevator stops on its own.

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“R2, activate elevator 31174.”

I love how they just take these droids for granted that they’re just gonna do all the dirty work for them. Maybe take a page out of Han’s book. “I’ll just hotwire it.”

Colin:

Don’t you think they’d have a thing that just transmitted to R2’s brain? Wouldn’t that make more sense?

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Weird how it’s on loudspeaker mode all of a sudden, like Leo’s phone in that Chinatown alleyway.

Also, why is that thing shaped exactly like R2? That seems highly convenient.

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“Get back to work. It’s nothing.”

REALLY?

And I’m not even saying it on the droid’s end, I’m saying it on George’s. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU HAVE IT HAPPEN IF IT’S NOT GONNA AMOUNT TO ANYTHING?

Academy Award nominated screenwriter George Lucas, everybody.

Colin:

I’d like to reiterate how much I hate that the battle droids have personalities. Who says droids can’t think?

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Okay, this hopping thing pisses me off. Unless we’re SEEING these people do it in front of us, don’t bother. It just looks like awful CGI.

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The only way this gets a pass is if they climb up exactly the way Neo and Trinity do.

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“*sigh* Always on the move…”

I don’t even know what that means. Also, who are you talking to? You’re not exactly John McClane here.

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Colin:

Why are there terminals everywhere for astromechs to control random shit? Do they all use the same input? R2 is the only droid we’ve seen that’s been able to manipulate things like this, but there are ports all over the place. What if R2 was USB and the Separatists were FireWire?

Why don’t they have a firewall is a better question.

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The Fung Wah-evator.

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You’ve gotta be kidding me.

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Did he just throw up?

Colin:

When Obi-Wan gets up in the elevator and wipes his mouth on his sleeve, it looks like he just got finished blowing Todd Phillips.

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“Freeze, sucka!”

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So what, you were just randomly hanging out there? Or did R2 go, “Oh, well I guess they won’t see me” and walk back over there? What the fuck, George?

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So stupid.

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Who. The fuck. Did you think that was gonna be?

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…and R2 just jizzed in his face.

Colin:

Okay, this is some pretty obvious slapstick. Just this side of a banana peel. Which I bet R2 has in there somewhere.

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Now… I’m no chemical engineer, but… given what he just dropped all over the floor, and what he’s doing now…

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Oh, good. Wow, George is actually addressing shit this time. I’m so used to bringing up points, knowing he won’t even follow through with the logic. But here he’s actually covering his bases.

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“Uhh… now what?”

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Subtle. Real subtle.

Colin:

Plumbing new depths, Lucas has created a parallel to Return of the Jedi with all the subtlety of DVDA. Yeah, that’s right. Plumbing. Depths.

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So what I don’t get is — does Dooku know he’s Sidious or not? Since — there are questions all the way through this scene.

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Time to fight some Dooku.

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Weird how war is still happening outside and somehow not a single ship comes crashing in through the window.

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Tally ho!

Colin:

So that was a bit much. Did he really need to flip off the balcony?

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That CGI looks more like Connery than Lee.

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“You’re no match for him, he’s a Sith lord.”

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“Chancellor Palpatine, Sith lords are our speciality.”

I’m not even gonna begin to get into that one.

… well all right, just a little bit.

Is that what you majored in at Jedi school?

Could Jawas be your speciality just as easily?

What if your specialty was hairstyling, or like, Mexicans, or something?

Also, how are Sith lords your speciality? Weren’t they eradicated until like, ten years ago, and then you killed one of the only two in existence? I wouldn’t necessarily call it a speciality as much as, “Don’t worry, I’ve done this before.”

Or is that just your specialty du jour? Sith lord with a side of tuna surprise.

Colin:

No. In fact, based on everything I’ve seen, you get a D+ at BEST in dealing with Sith lords. So if you want to call D+ performance your “specialty” that’s your prerogative, but I’m going to respect you a lot less. Like a Chinese food with a side order of French fries on the specials menu.

Isn’t it hilarious when Chinese food menus have chicken tenders and call them “Golden fingers”?

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Try that sometime. Say that something is your speciality and then take off your robe.

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Is that a switchblade?

♫ “When you’re a Sith, you’re a Sith all the way…” 

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Ewan McGregor takes such glee in saying the word “Dooku.”

This script is Dooku, I’ll tell you that.

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This is a gunfight mixed with a dick waving contest. Like, “Here’s my dick.” “Now here’s mine.” “And here’s mine.” “Now let’s use them!”

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I’ve just caught at least two screenshots in which Dooku is fucking dead if you take the swing.

Merrill would have hit that shit.

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Look at Obi-Wan prancing around.

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I’m always a fan when one person is fighting two and manages to block one person and then the other with two motions, one of which happens without looking.

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“I’ve been looking forward to this.”

Colin:

Christopher Lee taunting them is still the best part of this.

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“My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count.”

What is he, a Saiyan?

Also, Obi-Wan, get your dick out of his face. It’s rude.

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“Good. Twice the pride, double the fall.”

Or… twice as many lions.

(I have no pride.)

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This shot.

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Kulsehov effect.

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I really never understood why people don’t do this more often? It’s a really effective way to say, “Get the fuck out of my face.”

Colin:

GET THE FUCK OUT MY FACE!

A HA HA HA HA HA HA.

That was just as good as, “What the fuck is that?”

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Also, what the fuck is wrong with his FINGERS?

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How do you miss that badly?

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Not even close to Christopher Lee. Come on, computers.

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HOW DO YOU MISS FROM THAT CLOSE?!!!!!

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HE LITERALLY JUST WALKED UP THE STEPS AND KILLED YOU WHILE YOU WERE FIRING POINT BLANK RANGE AT HIS FUCKING FACE

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“Yeah!”

Why is he cheering? That could be construed as, “Goddamnit, get him!” but it sure as shit didn’t look like that.

I could mark this as him being the ultimate evil in that he’s completely playing his part so as not to get caught until the time is right, but I’m pretty sure this is George being a bad writer. That seems the more likely reason for this.

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Crossing the streams.

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Force choke.

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And a kick to the chest! Double pimp bonus!

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It’s always great when people get kicked in this franchise.

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Goddamn, though – what if he ripped his throat out like that? How awesome would that had been? A Force choke and a violent throw, and his throat just rips out as the body goes flying?

Think about it, George. It would make your movie better.

Space Road House.

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Now there’s some 3D for you.

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… you okay?

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That’s his facial expression for this movie. Him and Jake Lloyd both had one definite facial expression in each movie they were in.

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I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!!!!

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Probably more so now.

Colin:

Ever notice how the Force is just as strong as it needs to be in any given situation? Like when he’s messing with Yoda, Dooku’s throwing shit that doesn’t look to be that heavy, and it’s enough of a strain that Yoda doesn’t just brush it off. Now, Dooku just rips away part of a catwalk that looked pretty sturdy and was probably welded in place as well, and he does it in a second without any effort.

They always seem to paint it that the Dark Side makes you stronger, though. So I buy that it’s easier to move something with Dark Side Force than it is with just Force. And the flip side is that you’re using emotion rather than concentration, which makes you more susceptible to getting limbs cut off.

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More kicks, less flips.

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He senses fear and anger in him. But he’s not using them.

Which – why? Why not? Fucking use them if you have them. Hulking out once in a while doesn’t make you evil. It just makes you more powerful for a period of time. Take Dragon Ball Z. Gohan goes nuts every once in a while. And all that does is make him crazy powerful for the duration of a fight. And then he goes and dresses in a fucking leotard the rest of the time. Just because you live on the edge of the path to the Dark Side doesn’t mean you’re gonna keep going. Just be the Tom Bombadil of the Force. This whole Force thing is weird.

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Love it when lightsabers do this.

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Also, kind of a wrong move to say someone doesn’t use anger when they look like that all the time.

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Colin:

Yet again, someone loses a hand (or two) when the duel winds up in a spinning motion. It’s never a clean chop from out of nowhere, it’s always some weird twisting that goes on and makes you uncomfortable.

No can defend.

Why can’t someone lose a leg in a Jedi battle? I’d be so much more interested in that. Get your leg cut off from the ankle down. Wouldn’t it be awesome to see a Jedi continue to fight with one leg?

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That is the proper reaction when your hands have just been cut off.

Colin:

By the way, that is the correct face for when you’ve just had both your hands cut off. I mean, he’s too old to beat off, but still. No more bocce. No more shuffleboard. Maybe some bingo if he can get someone to mark boxes for him.

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“Good, Anakin, good.”

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“Kill him.”

GREAT line.

Would have been even better if he were established more as a character and wasn’t so obviously Palpatine. But I’m willing to go, like, 5% of the way into believing that line is as badass as it’s supposed to be.

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“Motherfucker, what did you say?”

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“Kill him now.”

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“I shouldn’t.”

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“No… no, you shouldn’t!”

Colin:

Dooku’s oddly silent during all this. Wouldn’t he, you know…have something to say?

I’m still curious as to whether he knows this is Sidious or not. Does he think the Chancellor is saying to have him killed, which implies that a politician, who is supposed to be all about due process, is going, “Just execute the fuck” and that’s what’s so surprising? Or is his master saying, “Just kill him. I don’t give a fuck,” and that’s what’s making him so surprised?

Either way, I have questions, and whichever answer you want it to be, I’ll still have more questions. Mostly about why Dooku hasn’t said anything thus far, what he thought was gonna happen — so many questions.

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“Do it!”

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Really? That’s all it takes? Peer pressure?

“All right, man, I’ll do it! Just stop yelling at me!”

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Wow, holy shit, he looks like Luke right now. What a great image, too. Holding the two light sabers.

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“You did well, Anakin.”

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Anakin’s like, “I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not the Jedi way.” And Palpatine’s like, “Nah, it makes sense. He cut off your arm and shit. Plus you’ve killed before.”

Colin:

I love Palpatine too much to let Lucas’ awful writing fuck him up.

It does, though. It really does.

Because you think about what could have been, and what he didn’t show…

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“Remember what you told me about your mother, and the sand people?”

Which… couple things…

First, that line by itself. That is all.

And also, why does he tell him that, exactly? He’s a supreme chancellor, not a priest.

And also – WHY WOULD YOU ADMIT TO THE SUPREME RULER THAT YOU COMMITTED MASS MURDER?

Colin:

Apparently he knows about the sand people. He says it like they’re buddies. Do they get drunk? Can you get Palpatine drunk? Can we try?

Apparently Plagueis got drunk.

Shiho was none too pleased about that.

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“Anakin, there’s no time.”

Clearly Palpatine. I’m telling you – he needed more screen time to truly work. And better writing. Now I’m at the point where I’m watching this movie and am going, “Goddamnit… I could have done a much better job with this.”

Colin:

Yes. This isn’t Palpatine being dumb, this is Anakin never questioning the orders. Why the fuck would we leave Obi-Wan? He’s not even pinned. 

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Anakin won’t leave him. He also says, “His fate will be the same as ours.” Which – he does end up being right.

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Took three movies, but goddamnit, finally we have a star WAR.

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This is like pirate ships.

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Look at all those shells.

Apparently it’s all lasers after this.

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WILHELM SCREAM!

Colin:

Why do these giant laser guns have cartridges? I’m very confused. And was that a Wilhelm Scream?

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If I had a nickel…

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Colin:

They really are doing some Master and Commander shit here, though. But we needed another Russell Crowe movie to copy, so I guess that’s a good choice.

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R2D2’s Who Am I?

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PRIME!

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Yeah, we all know the score here.

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Must Palpatine be hanging too? Isn’t it enough that he’s just with them? Shouldn’t he be witnessing Anakin’s abilities and seeing how to manipulate him rather than hanging on for dear life in a pointless action sequence?

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“You jump, I jump.”

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Motherfucker, you ain’t Batman.

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Well that was stupid.

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Wouldn’t it be cooler if that were bodies?

(Especially later, at the Jedi Temple?)

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So dependent on droids.

Colin:

I have nothing for all this goofing around. I’ll be over here with a troubled look on my face.

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Wow, that worked out conveniently.

And then he’s just like, “R2, get down here,” like he knows he’ll be alive.

Colin:

Ray shields. Whatever those are. Obi-Wan says they’re smarter than that. I was about to say, “Apparently not,” but Anakin beat me to it. What would being smart have to do with this? Even if you knew they might have…ray shields (again, what they are or why they’d exist inside your own ship is beyond me), how would you change your plan? There’s nothing but hallways here. You can’t pull a Padme and go outside.

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Anakin says that R2 will be along shortly and that they should exhibit patience. The joke being that Obi-Wan usually says that.

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Colin:

Please explain to me why they don’t just shoot R2 on the spot.

Academy Awar…

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“Do you have a plan B?”

Why is Obi-Wan unable to come up with a plan himself?

Colin:

“Do you have a Plan B?” “Why, is Padme preg— oh sorry not yet never mind

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General Grievous is a fascinating character to me.

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What is this, Coming to America?

Colin:

How nice that Grievous has a lightsaber collection that he keeps within Force distance from everyone. And that he has two empty pockets for their two lightsabers.

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Colin:

R2 goes into freakout mode. Freakadroid?

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Shifty ass A-rab.

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Again, how does this not take off his hands or slice up his back?

Colin:

While they were going for lightsabers, wouldn’t they have gone for more than just one each, so that Grievous couldn’t use them and so they’d have two with which to fight off the Magna Guards? Also, how did they know which one to go for? What if they both went for the same lightsaber and things went terribly wrong?

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I like how they somehow manage to not die despite being grossly outnumbered.

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Mic drop?

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Gotcha, Grievous.

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“Nuh, uh, bitch, I ain’t going back in!”

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“Enough is ENOUGH!…”

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Now THAT’s an exit!

Colin:

And now Grievous goes away instead of fighting. Okay.

Why does he take one of the staves? He still has lightsabers to use.

That’s such an awesome way to leave, though. So Adventures of Robin Hood.

I support space swashbuckling.

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Remember when there was breathable air in space?

Colin:

So he gets to go out in space and they aren’t immediately killed. Okay.

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He’s just hanging there like Prince.

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Ha ha. He is part of the Revolution.

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Colin:

How funny is it that they’re just chopping all these droids that don’t even have guns? They’re just pilot droids, but they all get the chop.

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WALKEN FINGERS!

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Oh, I like this guy.

Colin:

Grievous, much like the comic book villain that he is, spouts goofy expository dialogue that sounds more like The Joker than a Star Wars character.

And yet — that’s exactly what this franchise needs. It needs to go back to its roots. I’d rather have this than Watto.

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Fifth Element.

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Oh, good, there’s more than one donut ship.

That makes me feel better.

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Naturally he’s just gonna land this.

Colin:

So, now you have no engines and almost no control surfaces left. You’re going to hit the ground wherever the fuck you’re pointing right now. If you don’t explode first. How about all these hunks of ship flying off from the heat, and their glassed-in cockpit doing just fine?

How about their ships that are still in the docking bay?

Do the breathing devices not work in space too?

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Space Hindenburg.

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You know he’s thinking it. “If I’m gonna die now, this thing is sucking my dick first.”

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I’m sure Coruscant is pretty calm right now about this thing about to crash into it.

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Man, this looks real.

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And yet… this shot is nice and crisp. What gives?

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How do they know not to destroy it?

Colin:

Does anyone know that good guys are piloting this? Wouldn’t they blow it up before it hit the ground? This is the enemy flagship…what’s with the firefighting ships being like, “We’ll take you in!” without first figuring out if they’re good or bad guys? Do they even know someone’s FLYING it?

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Really? They REALLY got right to a landing strip?

Colin:

Never mind why there would be a landing strip that looks to be miles long and hundreds of yards wide in a universe where every ship takes off and lands vertically.

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This reminds me of those landing cut scenes in Grand Theft Auto.

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Can we all acknowledge this ship looks like a rat’s ass?

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Did the fat lady sing yet?

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“Another happy landing.”

Is this what Obi-Wan has become? Comic relief dependent upon Anakin to act?

Colin:

Another happy landing? I swear, Lucas, you’re looking for another happy backhanding.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and more stupid relationship bullshit.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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