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Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005), Part II — “Who Wants to Mix Genes with Something That Disagrees With You?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the second part of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

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We begin Part II with some wide shots of Coruscant, because George loves this shit.

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Love the docking area of this place. This is the kind of shit I love most about universes like this, the idea of the docks and stuff they have to have for people flying in.

Colin:

I forgot. Take a look at the bottom right of this shot above. There’s a ship that we all know and love, flying into the dock there. Yup, it’s a Millennium Falcon Easter egg in Revenge of the Sith.

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Purple.

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Again – this CGI is always obvious.

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Obi-Wan’s gonna go talk to the council.

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Anakin’s gonna get the medal of merit or some such shit.

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Then they have some sort of stupid exchange that basically implies that Obi-Wan is a horrible Jedi who needs saving from Anakin all the time and that Obi-Wan is cool with that.

Colin:

So Obi-Wan’s sending Anakin to go do the political stuff, and strokes his ego a bunch. Not the best idea, but whatever.

And why does that episode on Cato Neimoidia not count? What, did Anakin save Obi-Wan from drowning in pussy, or something? (Actually, no. I checked.)

Also, this scene is also responsible for one of my favorite gifs.

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And again I’m reminded that R2 is aware of all this stuff with Luke and not once does anything about it.

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Colin:

Fucking Binks.

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“Chancellor Palpatine, are you all right? (Motherfucker.)”

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Those background actors…

Colin:

Look at this purple-haired, blue frat mattress over Palpatine’s left shoulder! Hah!

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“General Grievous will run and hide as he always does. He’s a coward. (Motherfucker.)”

Palpatine says that as long as he’s alive, the senate will vote to continue the war.

General Grievous — the UBL of a galaxy far, far away.

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“Then the Jedi council will make finding Grievous our highest priority. (Motherfucker.)”

Colin:

He tells Windu that the Senate will vote to continue the war until Grievous is found. Two things. First, this is Lucas making things so within the story just because a character says so. And second, why would the Senate vote on anything right now, if you still have your emergency powers?

I think it’s one of those “I am the law” situations. He’s just using democracy to hide the fascism behind those eyes.

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They’re back.

Still want to know how they don’t remember all of this in 18 years.

(Note, after the fact: Fuck you, Lucas.)

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Ahh… Senator Smits.

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But who cares about him… it’s Pussy Time.

Colin:

How nice of Organa to excuse Anakin without even glancing at where he’s headed off to.

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This family runs weird.

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Subtlety thy name is Lucas.

Colin:

Man, really not trying for any subtlety with the hair, are you?

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“It feels like we’ve been apart for a lifetime.”

Yuh huh.

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I also love how she’s like, “Not here.”

Fuck that shit. HERE. Do that shit right in the front of the goddamn building. Just standing doggystyle on the steps.

Like they didn’t just see you run up to her and start making out with her behind that pillar.

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Also, you look like fucking Peregrin Took. Get a goddamn haircut.

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“Are you all right? You’re trembling. What’s going on?”

Now… just gonna throw this out there… if you’ve been with someone for more than, say… a month… wouldn’t you start to know their body language? Especially if you’ve been intimate, been married, moved in together… and all that? What kind of intimacy is that?

George Lucas should write a relationship book.

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“Something wonderful has happened.”

“They’re writing me out of the script.”

“They just got Nutella in the commissary.”

“Justin Bieber is gonna play a concert just for the senate.”

“I’ve gone black. I’m not coming back.”

“I just got into Harvard.”

“Annie… I’m pregnant.”

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Every guy knows that reaction.

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“That’s… that’s wonderful!”

Colin:

Anakin’s a 23 year old man who was just informed that his girl is knocked up, and as a 23 year old man, I can say that Hayden Christiansen’s acting right here might be the best acting of the whole franchise. Remember when Obi-Wan was asking about a plan B a few minutes ago?”

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“What are we gonna do?!”

WHOA. This just took an interesting turn.

You’re gonna go to H&M, buy some shit and return it without the hangers, that’s what you’re gonna do.

Colin:

“What’re we gonna do?” “You know that government building on Naboo, the one with all those steps out front?”

“But this isn’t Sparta.”

“It’s going to be…”

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How is that your reaction to “What are we gonna do?” Do you really not know what that means?

Then again, she was queen at 13, so it’s not like she isn’t completely naive about everything.

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That’s right, ask about the abortion, then pretend like you were joking when you see she’s not into it.

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“This is the happiest moment of my life,” he says, with all the emotion of, “I’m so glad there’s still some toilet paper left.”

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I love the movie hug and a kiss. That shit’s been around since the 30s. And I get them doing it in the 30s… you couldn’t show anything. But here… you just find out your wife is pregnant, and you claim to be really happy… so you give her a quick peck on the lips, hug her for like, two seconds, and then kiss her? That’s how you react?

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Here’s a good game to play: What Type of Wipe Can George Not Find a Way to Use?

Still haven’t seen a star wipe.

This is this franchise’s version of Assassination Attempt or Sex.

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Someone should really go through all the films of this franchise and tally the number of times:

1)    A ship flies toward a planet

2)    A ship flies toward and/or boards a bigger ship

3)    A scene ends with people walking out of rooms after the action ends

4)    A scene begins with at least five seconds of aerial shots of a planet or city

And that’s just to start. We can add shit later. But – this franchise was made for drinking games.

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Colin:

Sure are a lot of shots of ships approaching planets and flying along the surface and then landing and opening and stuff. Considering that we’ve never heard of the planets before and don’t know or really care what they’re all about, this is dead weight.

Oh, hey, so…drink?

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Oh, I like this planet. Whatever it is. Green sky, people live in the sides of caves or whatever… this is cool.

I’m telling you… Lucas has a good mind for creative shit, but he can’t put a story together to save his life.

(Right, because the last three Indiana Jones movies are masterstrokes of storytelling.)

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I like when people live in the sides of shit.

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He moves like a fucking velocipraptor.

Colin:

Shit man, not even gonna wait til the ramp is extended to walk down it? And walk like a dinosaur much?

For the record, when he sent me the notes, Colin texted me, “Not gonna get my hopes up about the overlap on this one.”

Also… he opened the door.

He’s getting on the floor.

And he’s walking the dinosaur.

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Colin:

What the fuck is this cough? They seriously couldn’t fix that? They used biotechnology to make his eyes function normally in space and made tweaks to his memory and shit. You’re telling me they couldn’t drum up a little Sudafed?

I assume it means his lungs are fucked up. I can buy that.

Maybe space Balto didn’t get there in time.

(Holy SHIT. Let’s make THAT movie. Space Balto.)

Grievous actually moves like Basil Rathbone as a scheming hunchbacked king*.

(* If I Were King, 1938. He should have won Best Supporting Actor that year. I’m sure you all know it.)

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This is literally Megatron talking to Palpatine.

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How is this not obviously Palpatine, too? You’re trying to tell us this is Sidious, but not once has it not been apparently who this is.

Oh, and he tells Grievous to take the troops to the planet Mufasa or some such shit.

Because everywhere the light touches — that’s part of the Republic.

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Palpatine says Dooku’s death was a necessary loss.

Which… now’s a good time to point out… isn’t it funny that Palpatine had an apprentice who was older than him?

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Everybody take a shot.

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Colin:

This penthouse, by the way, is where the Star Wars version of Rope would be set.

What if they started doing that? Just remade movies with franchise characters?

Han, Luke and Obi-Wan in Rio Bravo.

Colin:

Can you imagine Obi-Wan being played by Walter Brennan? All the Oscars.

(“When you pull a lightsaber, kill a man.”)

(Imagine Walter Brennan as Vader.)

A bunch of Harry Potter characters in 12 Angry Men.

Colin:

Lee Cobb would be a Slytherin, no doubt.

Theoden and Eowyn in Oldboy.

Colin:

Oh…NO.

Something something something complete.

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Jesus, George.

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Creepy sex looks.

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Why aren’t you fucking her from behind over that balcony right now? Isn’t that why you have a balcony?

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Not a good look for her. She looks kind of like those porcelain dolls, if it were a prostitute.

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She wants to have the baby on Naboo.

“We can go to the lake country where no one will know.”

Or you can do it here, where no one will know. People don’t really know much of anything in this universe.

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Are you gonna go solve The Da Vinci Code now? What’s with your goddamn hair?

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“I know the perfect spot. Right by the gardens.”

What? To have the baby? All right, then, O-Lan. You go have the baby right by the gardens.

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“You’re so… beautiful.”

I don’t like that pause. That pause means another word was gonna come out first and he stopped himself.

For example:

“I’m pregnant.”

“I’m so…. happy.”

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“It’s only because I’m so in love.”

I believe that. What the fuck is you wearing?

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“No, it’s because I’m so in love with you.”

Oh, shut the fuck up. I mean, yes, that is true, in the context of what he’s saying, but that’s not why he’s saying it. Just go back and fight in the goddamn Tri-Wizard Tournament with your stupid haircut.

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“So love has blinded you?”

Oh shit. Things have turned. She’s about to go, “That’s a weakness,” and pitch herself off that motherfuckin’ balcony.

Because that’s what you do when you’re a Jedi’s woman.

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Telling you, man. He’s running all through the editing choices in Final Cut Pro.

Colin:

That…that was not a scene. I reject this scene. Is it gone? That was a cliché puree.

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Oh… the Natalie pain face.

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Just gonna tell you now — I will have screenshots every time this appears.

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Sex dreams.

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A HA HA HA HA. I forgot he had a robot hand.

Colin:

Damn. Doesn’t that arm interfere with your…social agenda? Luke’s fake hand was sure a lot more advanced than this.

Maybe he took the prosthetic off while he was sleeping. Like when old people used to take their fake teeth out.

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Colin:

Wait, so is it just kosher that he’s sleeping with her? Do they not have their own cots or whatever at the Jedi Temple? I guess a full on Jedi could be forgiven for going off on his own, but Anakin is pretty much AWOL right now.

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Right… because your hair would stay like that while you were sleeping.

Colin:

 Ah, she woke up as he left. For all your space age technology, you still haven’t figured out the Tempur-Pedic mattress, eh? Don’t worry. You’ll get there.

Remember how they didn’t have mattresses in the future after these events?

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Goddamn. Now that’s a living room.

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How can you afford that? There’s no way Jedi are allowed a paycheck, and you’re not employed right now (or is she still a senator? If so, how do they feel about a phantom pregnancy?). Where’s the money coming from? What kind of kickbacks are you getting?

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“What’s bothering you?”

Oh George… he writes just like people speak!

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What should be bothering him is that he looks like Nicolas Cage in Next.

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How do you sleep in something that has beads for straps?

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He tells her about his dream.

His fourth grade science teacher was randomly at Six Flags with them. They went to leave, but the car left them and they had to go through the woods and camp out. And the science teacher kept trying to talk to bears, it was weird.

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“You die in childbirth.”

Colin:

I don’t think the dream got quite as far as her dying during childbirth. She was screaming, but…how much do you know about childbirth?

You think, for diversity’s sake, they put multiple species in the space Miracle of Life video?

Ever want to watch a baby pop out of a Twi’lek uterus?

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“And the baby?”

She says, putting her hand up to her stomach, as if we didn’t know where the baby is.

This is another thing movies do that pisses me off. Women always have to touch their stomach when a baby is involved. This is the kind of stuff that pisses me off the same as, if not more, than “Oh, by the way, he fixed the autopilot.”

Also, is she accepting death so long as the baby lives? Is that her concern here? “Okay, so I die… but the baby lives, right?”

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“I won’t let this one become real.”

Good call. I know a guy. We call him The Excavator. You’ll have to go before he gets too drunk, but…

Oh… you meant the dream.

(Still, the offer stands.)

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“This baby will change our lives.”

I guess in this hi-tech society, they haven’t invented sonograms yet.

Colin:

This is great. The last time Anakin had a dream and something went wrong, he killed a lot of people. Let’s see how things turn out this time. I know Lucas hates being predictable, so I’m positive that won’t happen this time. Oooh, I’m so excited to find out what happens!

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“I doubt the Queen will allow me to serve in the senate, and if the council discovers you’re the father…”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a second there…

First off… are pregnant women not allowed to be senators? What’s up with that? “What, pregnant? BANISH HER!” Bitch, you USED TO BE QUEEN! Why would she suddenly kick you out of the senate when she BEGGED you to take the job in the first place after you didn’t want to be queen anymore?

Also, is the Jedi council really gonna kick him out when they discover he’s been fucking a chick? Where the fuck do Jedi babies come from, then? And even if he is kicked out… can’t he still do the Force? If you get disbarred, you still know enough shit to be a lawyer. You can still practice law, just not in a court. This ain’t even that formal, either. You can still do Jedi shit if you’re not an official Jedi. “Turn in your robe and your lightsaber. Two weeks, with pay.” Motherfucker, he still knows how to be a Jedi. Plus, even if he can’t get a legitimate job, he can do what all those other disbarred lawyers do in those movies and be a consultant for the young, up and coming lawyer who’s trying to win his first case. He can mentor a young Jedi before they officially begin their training or whatever. (Sound familiar?)

John Grisham’s “The Force.”

Colin:

How amusing that apparently being pregnant disqualifies Padme from being a senator. Don’t know where that came from but that’s the universe Lucas lives in.

Here’s another question — can’t everybody SEE that she’s pregnant?

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Nice entrance.

Too bad it’s not real.

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Dr. Yoda.

Good thing, too… because this kid definitely has some mommy issues.

And he hates sand people. They’re course and irritating. And they kill everything.

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Holy shit… this even comes off like a shrink session too.

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“On the doll show me where touched you the man did.”

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Oh, you think you’re being cute now, huh, George?

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I like how he goes to Yoda, like, “I have dreams of pain and suffering,” but isn’t able to say who the person is in the dreams. Why would you even bother? Now there’s no way he doesn’t find out.

Colin:

So other than the fact that Anakin looks fucking evil to begin with and has a robot arm and wears all black already, he’s being really suspicious with Yoda. Yoda doesn’t just flat out ask him who the visions are about, which…why?

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Yoda basically tells him to stop being such a bitch. Which is what shrinks should tell most people.

Colin:

For someone talking about the “shadow of greed,” you hang out in a pretty shadowy room yourself, there, Yoda.

Also, his boss is telling him that he needs to let go of everything he fears to lose (i.e. the wife and the baby that’s on the way). Anakin looks down and sighs – this is just the out he’s been looking for.

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I want to hear the kinds of conversations that happen in this hallway.

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Obi-Wan just got done teaching his astronomy class.

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I can’t wait until powerpoints look like that.

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The senate is gonna give more powers to Palpatine.

Which — doesn’t that mean he’s giving them to himself? Since why would they even vote when he can just go, “Oh, sorry, I’m giving them to myself”?

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What’s the chick from The Ring doing here?

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Obi-Wan cautions against Palpatine… yada yada yada. (Yoda Yoda Yoda?)

Colin:

Someone who suspects Palpatine! Finally, Obi-Wan’s starting to show some of that world-class wisdom we’ve heard so much about.

And then George is gonna fuck it up.

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When did Coruscant start looking like the Death Star?

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“I hope you trust me, Anakin.”

What? Is he starting a scene in the middle of a conversation? What the fuck is that about? Why would you start a scene with that exact phrase?

Colin:

When someone begins a conversation with, “I hope you trust me…” – don’t.

And then what follows is a bizarre series of shots.

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“Of course.”

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“I need your help, son.”

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“What do you mean?”

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And then back to wide shot. What? This is a fail in both writing, directing and editing. Just look at those four lines.

“I hope you trust me.”

“Of course.”

“I need your help, son.”

“What do you mean?”

Now… “I hope you trust me”… bizarre way to start a scene, but all right. Then, “of course.” And that’s it. Conversation over. “I hope you trust me.” “I do.” Then… silence. There’s a good three seconds of silence after this because the man literally wrote himself into a corner. And what’s bizarre about this is that only the last three lines are done via close up. I hope you trust me – close up – yes, I do. Then, I need your help. Reverse shot. What do you mean? Reverse shot. Then, wide shot again.

Now, for those unfamiliar with the BASIC PRINCIPLES OF VISUAL STORYTELLING, the way a scene is supposed to work is – you start with a master shot, establishing the space. You know what an establishing shot is? The one we’re fucking looking at right up there. Then, as the scene progresses, you cut in closer. To medium shots, medium close ups, and even close ups, depending on the nature of the scene. For example – and you’ve seen this a million times. If you’ve watched a movie, you know how this works instinctually, even if you don’t think you do – if a character is giving a long monologue, nine times out of ten, the camera will start from either a medium shot or a medium long shot and slowly track in to the person’s face as they talk. Or, in a basic dialogue scene, what usually happens is –

All right, let’s do a quick lesson. We’ll take a generic scene. Dan’s friend Bill comes over to his house. There’s a knock on the door and Dan answers it. It’s Bill. Bill enters the room and it’s a wide shot, showing us the space in which this scene will play out. And Dan says, “Hey, Bill, what’s going on?” And Bill says, “Not much. I just had something I needed to tell you.” And Dan goes, “What’s that?” And this will all happen in that wide shot, since you really don’t have a reason to cut, unless for some reason you felt that one take done in coverage in medium shot worked better for the performance (but honestly, he’s saying two words, so I don’t see how that’s necessary unless you have some composition in mind like David Fincher or something). But Dan says, “What’s that?” and then we cut in closer to Bill – a medium shot, let’s say, from his waist up. And he says, “Well, Tony’s looking for you. He wants to beat the shit out of you.” And we cut to a medium shot of Dan now, who says, “What? Why would Tony want to do that? I love Tony.” And then as the conversation progresses, we move in closer. Maybe Bill says that Tony thinks Dan was fucking his wife, and Dan goes, “That’s a lie!” that line, because it’s dramatic, will be done in close up. And eventually you move back to the master shot at the end of the scene.

This is basic storytelling, not even complicated at all. It’s 101. And Lucas, for some reason, starts with a master, moves immediately to close up on completely pointless dialogue, and then goes back to master shot for the rest of the conversation. It’s a completely bizarre set of choices that undermine what a bad director and writer he is.

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He’s appointing Anakin to be his personal representative on the Jedi council.

I don’t think he knows how Jedi councils work.

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“Me?”

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And yet… he does it correctly here. This is fucking bizarre.

Colin:

If I can give any credit whatsoever to this plot (and it’s hard, believe me), I like that Palpatine uses his influence to get Anakin this spot on the council. He knows they’ll be shitty about it and that no matter what Anakin says, he really believes himself worthy to be there. If you’re going to create some resentment for the council within Anakin, this is a decent way to do it. The only consistent quality we’ve seen from him is arrogance, and Palpatine uses it. He’s also right to say that ‘they’ need him and not, “I need you.”

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I bet George thinks he’s being clever, using light and darkness to show the inner conflict of Anakin here.

That doesn’t work as well when you make poopy jokes in your franchise.

By the way, they finish speaking and take almost five steps forward before the scene cuts.

I’m starting to think that George really does forget to call action and cut.

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Don’t you tempt me with lens flares, this storytelling sucks.

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Yoda doesn’t like that Palpatine is putting Anakin on the council.

What do they do here, all day? Seriously.

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Why are you sitting like that, Obi-Wan?

Also, I like to think that a ghost is on the council.

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“You’re on this council, but we do not grant you the rank of master. (Motherfucker.)”

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“What?”

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“Motherfucker, what did you say to me? I will whoop your ass all over this galaxy. Don’t make me use my pimp hand.”

Colin:

Yes. The Jedi are morons. They just antagonize the kid instead of letting him into their club and pretending it’s all cool. They should have let him in, made him feel all welcome, and then used him as they wished. They’re way too touchy about shit that happens around them and a little too free about expressing their discontent. And now, Anakin’s going to be pissed at them, and Palpatine’ll use the Sith out of him.

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He then cries like a bitch about it.

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“Take a seat (motherfucker), Young Skywalker.”

Colin:

Okay, Windu’s stare here is one of the single best cuts in all the prequels. Those eyes say all you’d ever need or want to. I just watched that four times.

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“You stupid bastard.”

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Anyway, while he pouts, the ghost says that Grievous hasn’t been found, but there has been a droid attack on the Wookiees.

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“It is critical we send an attack group there immediately. (Motherfucker.)”

Colin:

They can’t afford to lose the Wookiee planet? Why? And if it’s so important, why haven’t you taken care of it yet?

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Yoda’s gonna go himself. He has a great relationship with the blacks Wookiees.

Colin:

Yoda has a good relationship with the blacks Wookiees.

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“It’s settled, then. Yoda will take a batallion of clones to reinforce the Wookiees on Kashyyk. May the Force be with us all. (Motherfucker.)”

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Anakin’s still whining like a little bitch.

Obi-Wan’s more interested in dat ass.

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His head looks like a mop turned upside down.

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Hooray, CGI!

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Oh, and by the way, the council also wants him to spy on Palpatine. So basically he’s spying on two people for both of those same people.

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Oh, we also find out that Palpatine has stayed in office long after his term has expired.

Which… I thought he was in power until the droid problem or whatever it was was put down? If they’re still fighting a war, isn’t that part of what he was put in office for? You don’t make him emergency dictator just to be like, “Well… the war’s not over, but… four years is up, so…”

Colin:

Obi-Wan is so fucking right though. They owe allegiance to the Senate, not the Supreme Chancellor. Shit IS up. But then, Anakin is on record as being in favor of dictatorships on more than one occasion. So I can see how that would mess things up.

Also, why would you call him SUPREME Chancellor? Why not just Chancellor? The supreme part is really making it seem fascist.

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“You’re asking me to do something against the Jedi code.”

And Palpatine did what, exactly, in that first scene? Twice?

Also, aren’t you fucking a senator and aren’t you married to her? What’s that? A broad interpretation of the rules?

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(CG) Aircraft taking off at sunset.

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Nie shot.

A bit too Fifth Element, but still.

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“Anakin did not take to his new assignment with much enthusiasm.”

“It’s very dangerous putting them together. I don’t think the boy can handle it. I don’t trust him. (Motherfucker.)”

Who doesn’t he trust? Anakin or Palpatine?

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That’s right… comb that hair back, Yoda.

Colin:

It’s hilarious how they never ask about the Sith, though. They know there should be two, and they’ve killed two apprentices. They’re looking for Grievous, instead of clues about the Sith master.

Weird how they never connect those dots.

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Obi-Wan asks if Anakin is indeed the chosen one.

Colin:

And again, this Chosen One, bringing balance thing. Lucas, destroying the Sith is bringing IMBALANCE, you fucking moron. How many times do I have to tell you that all good guys and no bad guys is IDEAL but not BALANCED?

“So the prophecy says. (Motherfucker.)”

Colin:

Samuel L Jackson is better so far in this one. “Is he not the Chosen One?” “Psh. So the prophecy says. If you’re one of those bitch ass motherfuckers  who believes prophecies.”

And how did they determine he was the Chosen One, anyway? We don’t know what the prophecy said; it’s pretty much down to his midichlorian count. Maybe he grew up under some power lines or got bitten by a radioactive Jedi or something like that. The real prophecy kid could be right up the street playing handball right now and you’d never know.

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Yoda says misread, the prophecy could have been.

Yeah, like — balance means he’s bringing the Sith back.

For a wise bunch, y’all a bunch of morons.

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I love Samuel L. Jackson’s nod. Like, “Yuh huh, motherfucker.”

Colin:

Yes! Yoda says the prophecy could have been misread, and Windu nods, like, “THANK you! This is what I’ve been trying to tell these motherfuckers for a good minute now, but nobody wanna listen.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 528

Ah… JFK.

Colin:

I love the idea of starship dry docks. This is where the Star Wars version of Les Mis starts.

I’m starting to enjoy the subtle touches of Death Star everywhere. Those things look kind of like the gun turrets.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 529

WOOKIEE!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 530

Thems some big ass transports you got there.

Also, did we ever ask — how do you piss in those suits?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 531

I get bored whenever we cut back to them.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 532

Here’s a question – don’t you think people are gonna question a phantom pregnancy?

(I realize I keep asking this, but I still want to know the answer.)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 533

ALL RIGHT GEORGE. WE GET IT. STOP GIVING HER THIS HAIR IN EVERY FUCKING SCENE.

But actually… what pregnant lady spends that much time getting made up and in a costume like this?

Oh, yeah, also, Padme says that she thinks the Republic has become the evil they’ve been fighting against all this time.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 534

“I don’t believe that.”

How about a haircut. Will you believe that?

Colin:

“Bitch! You sound like a Separatist!” Yes, that’s the sort of open, understanding attitude that sustains the best marriages. Although…I shouldn’t give him shit for this. First of all, she should know better than to say some shit like that without qualifying it first with a FUCK ton of evidence and stuff. You list your concerns with what’s going on, based on facts and events and all that, and then you wrap it all up with something like, “…I don’t know, I just…feel like maybe we’re losing sight of what we stand for.” Something soft like that to dampen the severity of the statement.

And second, I can’t say shit to the guy for reacting like this cause if my pregnant wife started telling me about how the Republicans are right about everything, I’d be even worse. “Don’t you sometimes think that…gays really ARE tearing at the fabric of our society? And that the Paul Ryan budget is the only way our economy will recover?” “You need to get the fuck out of this house.” It’s worse when this sort of thing comes out after she’s pregnant. You want to know this shit in advance. Who wants to mix genes with something that disagrees with you?

Who Wants to Mix Genes with Something That Disagrees With You?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 535

They have a mini fight or whatever. She’s like, “Stop the fighting. Tell him to stop.” And he’s like, “Do that shit in the senate, bitch.” And then she’s like, “What’s wrong? Let me help you.”

This dialogue is so fucking stupid.

Colin:

But still. “Don’t ask me to do that?” Don’t ask me to suggest a peaceful solution to things? That would be unthinkable. I guess he tells her to go through due process. Eh.

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“Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo.”

Did that line seriously just fucking happen?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 537

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Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 539

You’d think at some point she’d see that this motherfucker is pretty evil and go tell Obi-Wan about it. She comes off as a pretty big idiot during all this.

Colin:

No politics, no plotting, no war. This is fantastic writing, Lucas. But seriously guys, what does Mike love?

Attack of the Clones. Love that movie.

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Are they going to the space opera?

Colin:

This sure looks like a nation at war.

(I love how he’s just blatantly taking little things from The Fifth Element like no one will notice.)

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Damn… look at the tits on that one.

Colin:

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TITTIES ON THIS TWI’LEK GODDAMN

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He’s allowed to bring a weapon into a theater like that?

Colin:

Remember the Millennium Falcon Easter egg earlier? It gets better, folks. That douche in the bottom left corner of the above shot — that’s George Lucas.

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Remember when people went to operas?

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Colin:

Oh, is it Space Tosca? Actually, it looks a little more like blitzball.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 547

Wait… is that future Anakin over there? Or is that Powder?

It looks like when Zordon got kicked out of his hologram tube thing.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 548

They found Grievous.

Clearly he had to interrupt the opera to tell him that.

Real opera ushers would never let that happen.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 549

This is like a college booster.

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Palpatine says the Jedi council is going to betray him.

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“Search your feelings. You know, don’t you?”

Colin:

Bam! Cards on the table! I like Palpatine. This, by the way, is how you get people to trust you and doubt others. Call them on some shit that they did (or better yet, WILL DO) that you can use as proof that they’re shady. This is Palpatine saying, “Now listen. Whoever comes to you with this Barzini meeting, he’s the traitor.” And then all Anakin has to do is project the accusations back onto the Jedi Council and shit is in place. I swear, it’s like Palpatine himself transcends Lucas’ shittiness. Like the character has a power that refuses to drop below a minimum level of quality.

Well, it is unlimited…

Colin:

(Also, I love that in my analogy, the Jedi Council is Abe Vigoda.)

(Right?)

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And then he veers off on a tangent about the Sith.

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“The Sith rely on their passion for their strength. They think inward, only about themselves.”

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“And the Jedi don’t?”

Those head turns are always entertaining.

Colin:

This ideological crisis within Anakin would be so much better if we knew what the Sith were like…at all. I would love for this to be more Cold War. Like Anakin defecting to the Soviets, basically. There could be more espionage and less open war and more intrigue. Imagine if they got John Le Carré to write Star Wars movies. I would watch the SHIT out of those. Tinker Tailor Soldier Sith? The Coruscant Gardner? The Jedi Who Came in from the Cold? I want this to happen.

Holy shit, yes. Please let this happen.

Or just do more Cold War stuff anywhere.

The Cold War is always interesting.

LOVE Tinker Tailor Soldier Sith, though. What a great title. Too bad we already have a great subtitle for this already.

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“Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise?”

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This scene would have been so much better if they were watching that as they spoke.

(Isn’t it great that my most basic offhanded suggestions would actually make these movies better?)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 560

Apparently Plagueis could influence midichlorians and create life. He was so good, he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 561

Hint, hint pahtna.

(P.S. How fucking stupid can you be?)

Colin:

This is TOO obvious. The stare and everything is too blatant and Anakin is just going with it. This is like when a drug dealer is like, “I have some…OREGANO for sale. It’s excellent stuff. I got this OREGANO in Mexico, where they don’t mess with chemicals like they do here. Are you interested in some of this (puff puff) OREGANO?” And Anakin goes, “Oregano, huh? My Greek salads have been missing something, and that might just be it.”

He’s never like, “Wait, why do you know all this? Why are you enjoying this story so much? Remember when you were warning us about Sith lords earlier? Now you seem fond of them.”

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“The Dark Side of the Force is the pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural.”

It sounds like homosexuality.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 563

Oh, but Plagueis was killed by his apprentice, since he taught him everything he knew.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 564

“Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.”

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“Is it possible to learn this power?”

HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU BE?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 566

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and the Airing of Grievous’s.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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