Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005), Part III — “Please Have Her Give Him a Handy Like Amy Adams and Philip Seymour Hoffman”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the third part of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

We begin Part III on Kashyyyk.

He loves introducing places by having things fly around them, doesn’t he?

At Eiwa, apparently.

Colin:

That’s a dragonfly seaplane. I don’t know what’s going on. Looks like we’re in Africa, though.

Space Africa.

Eiwa is base camp.

Colin:

Oh. So there’s some dudes that look like the Endor stormtroopers.

I love a good base camp. I like people getting ready for war almost as much as I love actual war.

This is a great thing to have during a battle. Just a way to look out and watch shit.

Of course, you’re exposed as hell, but, view-wise, it’s pretty tight.

I love the two-way shit the Jedi council have.

Colin:

Having just gone to the trouble to show us how the holo-chair things work on the other end, Lucas now messes with it. When we see Yoda looking at everyone, they’re all mini, on the table right in front of him. But when Ki-Adi-Mundi says he agrees about sending Obi-Wan, he looks right over at Obi-Wan. Unless he has a full-scale holo-room set up where he’s off fighting, he’d be looking way over to the right at nothing; Obi-Wan’s little holo image would be right in front of him. These are little things that I notice that they either never thought about or decided to leave as-is because nobody cares.

Yoda tells them to go get Greivous.

Colin:

Do you intercept shit in diplomatic packages? Isn’t that…a no-no? I guess we know how Lucas feels about the NSA monitoring phone calls.

Anakin says Palpatine wants him to go.

Awkwardness.

“The council will make up its own mind who is to go. (Motherfucker). Not the chancellor.”

They say Obi-Wan’s gonna go.

CHEWIE!

That looks like my driver’s license photo.

Oh yeah!

Avatar would have ended a lot differently if they had Wookiees.

Colin:

Never mind about Africa. Look at those rocks. That’s Vietnam.

Colin:

What is with these droid tank designs? I don’t buy a single one of them for a second. The snail-looking one doesn’t look like it can turn.

Somebody’s trying to emulate their friend’s movie.

I love the idea of giant trees.

And I love the camouflage stormtrooper outfits.

Is it a good idea to put droids on water?

Sand trenches.

More Tarzan shit.

Colin:

These Wookiees do the Tarzan call too? Are you trying to make it an all-around Wookiee thing? You can’t just do that.

There’s a face.

Colin:

Ah, sticky bombs. Learned about those from Tom Hanks.

Same for DVDA.

Colin:

(He means AIDS.)

What did I say?

I love this image.

Anakin apologizes for being a dick.

“I’m sorry for being a dick.”

See?

Apparently that’s all it takes.

Obi-Wan says that Anakin has become a greater Jedi than he could ever hope to be. Which is kind of an underlying thing throughout this franchise. We all thought Obi-Wan was this real G, but it turns out, he’s just this middling Jedi who happened into training a real winner. (At least, that’s how Lucas seems to paint it purely from what he shows us in the movies.)

Colin:

Aw, look at this. Anakin acts nice and Obi-Wan says happy things. I don’t know what the purpose is here.

“May the Force be with you.”

“Goodbye, old friend.”

Wow… it’s like they know this is the end for them. Maybe do some more exercise with that hand, George. It’s getting a little heavy.

The way Obi-Wan leans in this image is like that video of the drunk guy trying to buy beer.

Which, now’s a good time to stop and appreciate the brilliance that is this video:

My life is actually complete now that I know this exists. This is a wonder of the world, this video.

He looks like Morgan Freeman in this shot.

Speaking of which… do one. Another scene of a character walking away after the scene actually ends.

Somebody likes lens flares in this movie.

(Does anyone know off-hand what movie he’d have seen in between the last one and this that would make him want to use a lot of lens flares? Because that’s the only reason for it.)

Completely ripping himself off, too. But like, better him.

You think that guy got paid extra for his face being used so many times?

Colin:

I love the idea of Obi-Wan being chummy with soldiers, but them being clones kind of ruins it.

Almost completely unrelated, but do you know what I really like? Freighter ships.

I love freighter ships. All the giant storage containers and everything, nooks and crannies everywhere. Like a good storage park. Always great for an action sequence. It must be all that Grand Theft Auto I played. But I just love the idea of a freighter ship, all the different locations and camera set ups you can have…

That’s it. That ‘s all I got.

Is that a TIE Fighter forerunner?

I like the idea that the little ships are like dinghies. Weird, though, that they don’t exist in the future.

It looks kind of like the headgear nerdy kids used to have to wear in the 60s.

I really like this, despite how dumb it probably is.

Colin:

Nice, using the hook-up hyperdrive thing again. It’s basically a strap-on for starfighters.

Also completely unrelated — I’m a big fan of whenever people work the word scissoring into everyday conversation.

Sex dreams, now?

Colin:

Looks like Obi-Wan’s helping Padme in this vision, dude, you should be glad your bro’s looking out for you.

Say hello to LUMBERG for me!

Was he playing Game Gear?

Colin:

HOLY SHIT, WAS HE WATCHING THAT VISION ON A SEGA GAME GEAR?!

Now he’s jealous of Obi-Wan.

Colin:

I should do a tally. I’m pretty sure that at least 9/10 conversations between these two are Anakin complaining about something and Padme trying to reassure him. He really is six years old.

I like that little back rub. “Easy there, tiger. You’re still my Master Jedi.”

Also, they walk in this scene more than they speak actual words of dialogue. It’s walk and talk, not walk then talk.

Weird how no one questions that she’s pregnant. Why is this never addressed in the movie?

“Something’s happening. I’m not the Jedi I should be.”

Jesus… where to begin with that one, Dr. Freud…

Holy shit, she looks like she has Satan eyes in this shot.

“I want more.”

He wants the world. He wants the whole world.

Oh my god, PLEASE have her give him a handy right now like Amy Adams and Philip Seymour Hoffman. That would make this scene so much better.

Colin:

That’s what you say about every scene.

“I know how to save you.”

“I won’t lose you, Padme.”

How many preset wipes are there?

Ah… the Bulbasaur planet.

Because honestly, all these planets are Pokémon types. Bespin is the Flying type, Kashyyk is Grass, Kamino is Water, Mustafar is Fire, Coruscant is Normal (but like, Porygon normal), Tattooine is Ground, Alderaan is Ghost, Dagobah is Bug, Hoth is Ice… and I don’t even really know shit about this franchise.

Though, after talking this over with Colin, he said that Dagobah is more of a Poison planet because of the swamps (which makes sense now that this isn’t off the top of my head), and that Geonosis is more of a Bug planet. And then Kashyyk he said is more of a Fighting planet, while Naboo is more Grass. Which – all right. This was just a joke to me… now it’s a thing.

Kessel is Rock. Quermia is Psychic. Thule is Electric. The Death Star is Steel.

That leaves Dark and Dragon only.

(And, I guess… Fairy, now.)

Colin:

Yet again, showing someone approaching a planet, flying along the surface, getting to the general landing area, and coming in for landing. They even did the coming in for landing bit in two different shots this time, so they could waste more of my life. I like this planet’s aesthetic, but what the fuck are we doing?

“Welcome to Jurassic Parking.”

Thank you, everybody, good night!

There can be no greater joke in this article than that one.

Honestly, if I didn’t love these articles so much, I’d have dropped the mic, walked off stage, and never wrote another word on this blog again. That was perfect.

I don’t even care that I’m bragging about my own joke. That shit was amazing. Don’t even pretend like it wasn’t.

Seriously, though… Megatron.

Dude, shoot him in the head and it’s over.

What the fuck is THAT thing?

Oh-kay.

Grievous is there. He’s holding them hostage.

Colin:

This dude is going out of his way to act normally even though they probably can’t hear him from wherever they are. But then instead of just slipping in the part about being hostages without changing his facial expression or anything, he gets really close to Obi-Wan and whispers it. NOW they know you’re spilling the beans, you fucking idiot. Remember how they’re droids? Use some weird code shit that won’t compute. If you’re going to get all close and whisper, you might as well turn around to all the droids watching you and yell, “Okay, I’m telling him now!”

Seriously… what the fuck is that?

Can no one see him standing there?

Is that a cooper-plated R2?

This looks like that moment two people nod because they’re in on the plan.

Oh… sneaky sneaky… send the ship off and stay.

Colin:

Wouldn’t the droids be watching his ship the whole time? His little plan doesn’t work if they saw him hop out again.

You’re having a bit too much fun with the CGI, George.

Colin:

I have no idea what this thing is, nor do I wish to know.

I hope he made the bond with his soul dick first.

All creatures have to do that, don’t they?

This makes me so upset — the concepts are so good here, and the CGI just kills everything.

They have their own council.

Everybody has a council.

Grievous is sending them to Mustafar.

How does that thing know when to keep quiet?

Colin:

Nice of it to shut the fuck up while Obi-Wan’s trying to spy.

Colin:

Okay, so the next thing that happens is the most out of character thing Obi-Wan ever does. Ever.

Oh, I know what that means. Let’s do this shit.

LEEEEEROY JENKINS!

Tally ho!

“Hello, there.”

Colin:

Why did you just jump into the middle of a shit zillion droids and ANNOUNCE yourself? This is the most un-Obi-Wan thing to do. And it gets into an issue that I’ve brought up in response to some of Mike’s comments. Mike has said on several occasions (and with good reason) that Obi-Wan is a middling Jedi – but that isn’t the case at all. It’s just the case when you’re talking about the physical aspects of the Force, which is all we ever get in these stupid prequels. This guy goes in the Jedi Pantheon. The reason he says Anakin is a better is because he recognizes Anakin’s Force power and potential. And also kind of just as a mentor to mentee, “Big up yourself, Anakin.” But we also have the council recognizing that Obi-Wan is not only one of the wisest Jedi around, but that he rivals Yoda as one of the wisest EVER. He’s intelligent and is, like Yoda, supposed to represent that non-physical aspect of the Force.

You might ask, “What ‘non-physical aspect of the Force?'”

What non-physical aspect of the Force?

Colin:

And that’s a valid question, because instead of exploring that, Lucas gives Obi-Wan AND Yoda multiple lightsaber battles. Instead of building the characters in the way it’s hinted at through dialogue, he gives them the same bullshit action scenes that physical BAMFs like Anakin and Windu get. By this rationale, even Yoda is a shitty Jedi compared to Anakin because he never beats anyone in a duel. And I think we know Yoda is pretty good.

At the end of the day, every one of these showdowns is about the lightsaber. The Force can do SO much shit, and we have to watch them waving this thing how many fucking times? Obi-Wan was a unique Jedi with unique mental abilities. Is it really too much to ask to have a confrontation that showcases that? The only “personality” we get in this scene is counter to what everything else has told us about him being the calculating, pensive Jedi Master. A halfway decent director could do calculating and pensive without being boring.

I think you mean writer. Director is more about performance and visuals than anything. Especially here. Though, even with something like Skyfall — Sam Mendes didn’t really shoot those action scenes, that was all second unit. So, as a director, Lucas’s real areas to succeed or fail were in the performances and the visuals.

The rest comes down to him as a writer.

So really it’s just a trifecta of awful.

But either way, you’re right. A better writer could do that. Instead of “Hold me like you did on Naboo.”

I hope he holds her the way Will Smith held his dog in I Am Legend.

Colin:

In fact, in differentiating the character in that way, it makes it more interesting. And this is why Mike and I are both sort of right here – Obi-Wan doesn’t look special because George never shows you the stuff he excels in. It’s like how you might think LeBron James was a middling athlete if you only ever saw him play hockey.

That analogy might be better with Michael Jordan and baseball.

Since we saw that shit.

Even in Space Jam, he sucked.

That’s how you know it’s bad.

Colin:

And then, yes. The whole scene around it is a shit show. First, Obi-Wan decides to jump into danger and offer Grevious a man-to-man grudge match instead of using the element of surprise after taking into consideration that millions upon millions could die if he loses. He’s also trusting that Grevious will accept rather than just ordering the battle droids to shoot him. So there’s that.

I actually can accept that part. Since Grievous is a dude like him. At heart, he wants to fight. So that makes sense to me. A real fighter won’t let someone else do it when they have the opportunity to get the kill.

Colin:

Then it goes from a fight that you can’t even follow to a car chase through chaos that you’re not involved with, and ends with him just shooting Grevious in the chest. I’m struggling to find a part of this whole sequence I can appreciate. I generally like Sith better than Menace or Clones, but this is fucking awful. I can’t let this go, because this is something they could have fixed and it would have made the character so much better. And all you’d have to do is GIVE him that scene where he’s a boss and does something that the physical BAMFs can’t do, and we’d respect him so much more.

Isn’t it great that we’re way past, “Why can’t this all be better?” and are left with, “Can’t you just have one scene be better so we can imagine it carrying over into everything else and making it better?”

“General Kenobi!”

I love how happy he is to see him.

Seriously… more about Grievous. This motherfucker is fascinating to me.

You’d think this is the moment where he went, “Well that was stupid.”

But no.

(This is basically a video game level boss fight.)

George saw The Matrix.

This is badass as hell. He calmly walks over, swinging his lightsaber, then beheads the thing.

And he calmly walks away. When did Obi-Wan turn into a badass?

Wow… that’s pretty great. Grievous says he’s gonna do it himself. That takes some bold action to get that shit to happen so quickly.

Colin:

So Grievous was perfectly content with having his Magna Guards kill Kenobi for him, but when the other droids offer to do it, THEN he steps up?

It seems to be proper etiquette. This is how all movie boss duels work.

“Your move.”

Did he just brush his shoulder off?

He’s been trained as a Jedi by Count Dooku.

(This motherfucker is even more interesting to me.)

Well that’s not good.

Colin:

I don’t love the four lightsabers. This feels gimmicky. It’s just another example of Lucas trying to make something that we’re already bored of more exciting by just adding MORE of it. Not to mention it’s just flat out unrealistic. Even with two separate lightsabers, you could pretty easily mess someone up.

That’s awesome.

Seriously, when did Obi-Wan become this much of a badass, and why haven’t we seen it before now?

Oh, this is great.

What is this, drunken boxing?

How can you be such a middling Jedi and dodge four lightsabers at once?

Facial expressions.

Timing.

“Hmm.”

Kind of weird how, as he’s blocking one lightsaber, the two others don’t immediately kill him.

This is like the end of You Only Live Twice.

Colin:

Goddamn it troopers. Showing up like ninjas. Where’s Tiger Tanaka?

Also – Tally ho!

You think we have enough action sequences?

There’s something really great about a fight scene that gets interrupted by a full scale battle breaking out and then the battle continuing during the battle.

I love Leone closeups. More of this in movies.

Actually, no. Only this in movies when it’s done well. This can be bad in the wrong hands*.

(* “Comedy” people.)

SEE?! This is so fucking useful! That’s the one Jedi power that I’d want to have most.

Colin:

Yeah, you got the lightsaber thing going, but can you Force push? Nah.

Well that’s a bit much. I’d have liked it if he stayed on two feet and acted like a human the entire time. It becomes less interesting when he goes full on machine.

Colin:

The second he turned into a weird bug thing, I was off Grievous entirely.

… and here’s George continuing to shovel dirt.

Why is this necessary?

Colin:

Fuck this hamster wheel.

Colin:

Wow, he’s gotten that close with his steed that he can just call it over like that?

That thing just tally fucking ho’ed off that ledge. That’s death.

Colin:

Clone just got hisself a free lightsaber.

You know what’s funny, when you think about it? The clones all have personality and stuff, and they’re people, but the Republic bought them, and they’ll fight until they die.

You know what else is funny? The clones have about as much character development as Obi-Wan does.

I really hope we have this one day.

“Deliver this report to the chancellor. (Motherfucker.) His reaction will give us a clue to his intentions.”

Colin:

Sam Jackson’s working for me in this one more than in the previous two films. I think it’s Lucas cutting back to him for his looks of skepticism and stuff like that.

Again with the walking out of the… unbelievable.

“I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi. (Motherfucker.) The Dark Side of the Force surrounds the chancellor.”

Colin:

If the Dark side of the Force surrounds the Chancellor, you should probably keep a closer eye on him than you are. Maybe watch him more closely. He’s got enough free time and leeway to go broadcast his holograms to Grievous and shit.

But honestly, I spent half of this exchange looking at the Twi’lek Jedi.

Ghost Dad says that if he doesn’t give up his powers after this battle, then they’ll have to remove him from office.

Like… forcibly? Are they gonna plant some drugs in his office? Slit his throat with a lightsaber?

I vote that option.

“The Jedi council would have to take control of the senate in order to secure a peaceful transition. (Motherfucker.)”

Get it?

Colin:

Palpatine never does anything. I want that job. You do nothing, and in return they give you a healthy paycheck and all the swivel chairs you can eat.

Palpatine plays on Anakin’s weaknesses.

Colin:

This is too easy for Palpatine. It’s like approaching a 16 year old girl, asking her if she feels like sometimes her boyfriend just ‘doesn’t understand’ and then sitting back as she spills her life story.

“I know that there are things about the Force that they are not telling me.”

Gotcha, bitch.

Palpatine says he knows about the Force and can teach Anakin. Not once does Anakin think it strange that this guy is trained in the Jedi arts and has risen to such a high rank. Palpatine even says that he knows all about the Dark Side. Which – again – not once do you even question this?

Colin:

I would have preferred if he’d made the ‘Dark Side’ slip like it wasn’t anything big. Instead of lowering his voice and nutting a bit.

Does that mural thing tilt to the left and to the right? Because that would be awesome.

“You know the Dark Side?”

This isn’t questioning. This is more intrigue than anything.

“Anakin, if one is to understand the great mystery, one must study all its aspects, not just the dogmatic, narrow view of the Jedi.”

Which – he makes a good point. But also… that’s just what an evil motherfucker would say.

“Only through me can you achieve a power greater than any Jedi.”

“Learn to know the Dark Side of the Force, and you will be able to save your wide from certain death.”

Colin:

Okay Anakin, we’ve got, “SHOOT ME IN THE FU_KING FACE,” and Pat wants to know if you’re ready to solve the puzzle.

Which side opens the door, the left or the right?

That smile.

“What did you say?”

Oh yeah. There we go.

Anakin realizes Palpatine is the Sith lord, and Palpatine basically talks Anakin out of killing him and into joining him.

Colin:

After they walk around in circles for five minutes and Palpatine all but recruits him, he then flat out TELLS Anakin that he can save Padme. Only then does the universe’s stupidest inhabitant get it.

I can’t say anything bad about this scene because this is a scene that should be here.

“Ever since I met you, you’ve been searching for a life greater than that of an ordinary Jedi.”

“Are you going to kill me?”

“I would certainly like to.”

“I know you would.”

Jesus, he’s practically touching his dick as he says that.

Colin:

That was perfect. “Are you going to kill me?” “I would certainly like to!” *NUT*

“I can feel your anger.”

Oh my GOD!

“It gives you focus. Makes you stronger.”

“I’m going to turn you over to the Jedi council.”

“Of course you should. But you’re not sure of their intentions, are you?”

Colin:

He tells Palpatine that he’s gonna turn him in, but then he…doesn’t.

My god… imagine how better this would have been with more development of this relationship. This is pretty great as it is, but if they developed it more and give Palpatine the full Iago treatment he deserves… this shit could have been magical.

This has basically become a car chase, and I’ve lost all interest in this fight scene.

You fucked it up again, George.

(Subtitle: You Fucked It Up Again, George.)

Colin:

How…is this thing being steered?

By a computer.

♫ Go Greased Lightning, you’re burning up a quarter mile… ♫

There’s no way that thing should be able to keep up with that thing.

GET that shit out my face!

How do you let him take that shit?

You deserve everything you’re about to get.

Colin:

You should probably try Force Pushing him instead of punching him. He is made of metal.

Dead Man’s Curve.

George sure is a product of the 50s.

VROOOM!

That was the sound effects portion of our article.

A gun?

(A bottle?)

But that is badass. He just tried to shoot him in the head.

I like that the thing keeps rolling over the edge. Somehow, that felt legit. Of all the crazy shit going on right now, that’s the thing where I went, “Yeah… that’s cool.”

Remember this shot for tomorrow.

I don’t normally give you homework assignments, and chances are you’ve probably blacked out already, but — remember it.

One thing the villains always do right is having their own personal escape vehicle in a private location. I’m all about people being all up on personal security. Villains know how to do that shit. You need to break out — you got your own break out ship just waiting for you to hop onto.