Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005), Part IV — “I Kinda Just Want the Subtitle to Be Samuel L. Jackson’s Face”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the fourth part of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

We begin Part IV in another goddamn hangar:

“We’ve just received word that Obi-Wan has destroyed General Grievous. We’re on our way to make sure the chancellor returns emergency power to the senate. (Motherfucker.)”

Oh, there will be power, but it won’t be emergency power.

Anakin says Palpatine is a Sith lord.

Colin:

You’ve learned a terrible truth? Is it…could it be? Is it an INCONVENIENT truth? I think Palpatine has been an allegory for global warming this whole time.

“A Sith lord? (Motherfucker?)”

“Then our worst fears have been realized. (Motherfucker.)”

“We must move quickly if the Jedi order is to survive. (Motherfucker.)”

Colin:

Said Windu, sauntering away at a leisurely pace.

“For your own good stay out of this affair. (Motherfucker.) I sense a great deal of confusion in you, Young Skywalker.”

I thought you couldn’t sense anything with the Dark Side clouding shit up?

He can see clearly now, the Force is gone.

Colin:

I would tranq this guy so bad right now if I had to go off and leave him at the Jedi Temple alone. Get him with a blow dart, have him out for hours.

Or call Padme and have her bang him or something. Or tell him you’re going to mull it over with Yoda before you make any hasty decisions. They’re doing EVERYTHING wrong here.

“I must go, Master.”

“No. (Motherfucker.)”

Well all right, then.

“If what you told me is true, you will have gained my trust. But for now, remain here. (Motherfucker.)”

Maybe elaborate a little more on why you need him here, rather than just leaving him here. At least make him understand, “Hey, this isn’t about you. I just don’t want you mixed up in this, there’s political shit. Hey, but I’ll give you credit for the arrest and you’ll be an important member of the council from now on.”

You know… have someone other than George Lucas write it.

Just fucking left him there, too. How about giving him something to do? Call in Obi-Wan, let him know. Make preparations to hold him or something. Anything to keep him out of there until Palpatine is dead.

I take it back. Go back to the buns. What the fuck is that shit?

Why would you go back to your seat? No one’s there. Go sit in Yoda’s chair or something.

Nice shot.

Palpatine Force ghosts him or some such shit, preying upon his weakness.

She has so much to do in this movie. So much.

♫ “Somewhere out there…” ♫

♫ “Beneath the pale moonlight…” ♫

♫ “Someone’s thinking of me…” ♫

♫ “And loving me tonight.” ♫

OH MY GOD IT’S STILL GOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING GEORGE

HA HA HA HA this shot.

Why you Fievelblocking, 3PO?

Colin:

Okay, so they look at each other from like 20 miles away and that’s enough to get him upset and have to hop in the speeder. Cause I guess she was…brain calling him? That telescoppy’s working regular now.

Every franchise has one.

Oh yeah.

Colin:

Samuel L. Jackson walks like a badass (motherfucker).

It’s starting to look very Death Star up in here.

Colin:

I want a YouTube video of just all the time Palpatine spins around in a swivel chair. You think this was all on purpose?

Swivel chairs are always great.

Seriously — swivel chairs up my interest quotient for your movie tenfold.

“I must say you’re here sooner than expected.”

Badass way to start this encounter.

“In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic…”

“You are under arrest. (Motherfucker.)”

“Are you threatening me, Master Jedi?”

No… he’s arresting you. “Imma beat the shit out of you,” THAT’S threatening you.

“The Senate will decide your fate. (Motherfucker.)”

“Le Senate, c’est moi.”

(That is actually what he says, though.)

Colin:

“I am the senate.” HELL YES, THIS LINE IS AWESOME.

“Not yet. (Motherfucker.)”

Oh my god. This is a gunfighter stance but with his Pikachu fingers as guns.

Oh damn.

Colin:

That shit is just always up his sleeve? How does it just stay up there? Is it on a slider thing? I’m imagining him practicing that move in the mirror like De Niro. “You talkin’ to me? You…talking to me? It’s treason, then.”

“It’s treason, then.”

That’s badass.

Of course the black guy dies first.

Colin:

I know I’ve complained about all the jumping and theatrics in previous lightsaber duels, but…that spinning jump was godly.

No it wasn’t. You just really like Palpatine.

That was dumb as shit.

That’s okay. You don’t have to defend it. But I’m objectivity here. That looked so stupid.

Colin:

That’s true. It’s not actually a good thing at all. But it’s Palpatine, so I go for it.

Everything else is amazing, though.

How do you let him kill two people before you do anything?

Colin:

He dispatches three high-level Jedi Masters with a little too much ease. And by a little, I mean a lot. This is one I’d have liked to see get drawn out a bit more, because I want to see some more of Palpatine’s methods. Rather than just impaling them, how about some Sith shit where he fucks with their heads and then murders them? Some next level shit. Sonido, or something.

“BRING IT!”

You guys ready for the best face ever?

I’m serious now, you gotta be ready for it.

I’m warning you. If you’re not ready, it’s gonna overwhelm you.

All right… I hope you listened:

Bam.

Colin:

Look at Mace’s expression as they’re pushing at each other! Holy shit! That’s the sort of face that wins entire fights by itself. (MACE used MEAN LOOK!)

I kinda just want the subtitle to be Samuel L. Jackson’s face.

Look at that fucking face.

This is like A Night at the Roxbury.

“I broke the window again.”

Colin:

Jackson made that flourish breaking the glass look so badass. I’m pretty sure he could make changing a pool filter look badass.

This fight is actually pretty shitty. It’s done almost entirely in close up, and we don’t see them swinging their lightsabers around like we do in other battles. It’s very strange.

Either this is the actors demanding they do the fight themselves, or this is George not wanting to take away from the battle that’s gonna happen in 30 minutes.

What would a Jedi battle be without a good, solid kick to the face?

Must not be a breeze today. Cause I’m pretty sure, with that window going out, either the wind is gonna push you inside that window or outside it. I highly doubt the wind ain’t strong enough, that high up, to do nothing to you over that big a space.

Perfect timing, Filch.

Colin:

Anakin runs in and then slows to a brisk pace, for what reason I’m sure I will never know.

“You are under arrest. (Motherfucker.)”

Colin:

OH WINDU GOT YO DUMB ASS

This could end right here if you just arrested him.

Palpatine says the Jedi are taking over.

“The oppression of the Sith will never return. (Motherfucker.)”

Sounds like someone who’s trying to take over.

“You have lost. (Motherfucker.)”

“No. No! No!”

(Who is he, Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike?)

Colin:

This is how I respond when baristas ask me if I need room for milk. “No! NO! NOOOOO!!”

Also, what’s weird here is that Windu says he has lost, and he responds with, “No, no, no – YOU will die!”

Why is the emphasis on ‘you’? He didn’t say, “You will die.” (And there’s really only one way to say that, right?) He said you have lost. The response should be, “You will DIE!”

I feel like we’ve already had this discussion.

♫ Force Lightning, go Force Lightning… ♫

Or maybe Go Go Gadget Force Lightning.

“Traitor!”

“No! He is the traitor (motherfucker)! AHH!”

“I have the power to save her! You must choose!”

Colin:

Yes, Anakin, you must choose. I hate this dialogue. It basically boils down to the Padme thing. I can ALMOST understand the plot if they spent all this time making Anakin distrust the Jedi Order and think they’re traitors, but that’s all out the window (like Mace is about to be). See, Palpatine laid his cards on the table, and Anakin went to turn him in. He GETS that Palpatine is the Sith and that the Sith are bad; he also should have noticed the three dead Jedi on the ground on his way in. Obviously Palpatine is a bad guy, so in choosing Palpatine, he’s wittingly siding with the evil guy because he’s worried about Padme. This makes the whole lack of trust in the Jedi Order more or less redundant. All that matters is that he wants to save Padme’s life; that’s what makes him react the way he’s about to.

Was I the only one hoping that link would be Pokémon?

But yes. This is Lucas going, “Well, people will go along with it.”

“Don’t listen to him (motherfucker)! AHHH!!”

Colin:

Oh, but Mace can handle it with his lightsaber, which is fortunate, cause otherwise…well, we’ll get there in a minute.

My favorite is that I can read all the Windu dialogue that I wrote and hear exactly how Samuel L. Jackson says it in the movie.

“Don’t let him kill me!”

“I can’t hold it any longer.”

Colin:

How is it that your Force Lightning keeps going like that if you’re getting weaker? Why would Anakin buy that even for a second?

Couple things…

First… lightning? Really? That’s what did that to Palpatine? I call bullshit.

Second… that’s what gets Anakin? Really? You just found out he was a Sith, and he’s calling Windu a traitor, and… you’re going along with it? I get the “I can save the one you love” thing. That’s fine. But him going along with Windu being a traitor – how can you backtrack that quickly?

(Drink.)

Facial expressions.

“Anakin — help me. Help me!”

Colin:

HAHA this Palpatine performance is so awful. He’s phoning this one in (and I mean Palpatine, not McDiarmid) because he doesn’t even have to do better to convince Anakin.

“I am going to end this. Once, and for all. (Motherfucker.)”

Should have just done it. He can’t stop it if you do it without saying anything.

“You can’t. He must stand trial.”

I know that look. “Checkmate, motherfucker.”

“He has control of the Senate and the courts. He’s too dangerous to be left alive. (Motherfucker.)”

“It’s not the Jedi way. He must live!”

Colin:

“Not the Jedi way?” Whatever, Mr. Double Standard. How your morals hold up when you had Dooku’s life in your hands?

“You motherFUCKER…”

“I need him!”

Colin:

How is this going to work, Anakin? You think you’re going to arrest him, and on the way to the holding cell, you’re gonna try to convince him to tell you how to save Padme? Is that seriously how you think this is gonna go?

“NOOOOO!!!”

“AHHHHH! (MOTHERFUCKER!)”

Colin:

Did you have to chop off Windu’s ARM? Couldn’t you just chop his lightsaber or even just BLOCK it?

“Ha ha.”

“POWER!!!!!!!”

“UNLIMITED POWER!!!!!!!”

So what are the neighbors thinking right now?

Yeah, that’s right, eat that lightning!

“It tastes like burning!”

Boy, I bet that Force lightning going into your arm stump is really smarting.

Adios. (Motherfucker.)

“Ahhh.”

I’ll leave it to everyone to come up with an analogy for that one.

Colin:

And then he goes, “AH!” like he actually just nutted. I was joking about all those other times, but this time, I think it’s legit.

“What have I done?”

What have you done? What has HE done?! He just fucking killed a guy. You just stood there like a bitch and helped him. And you KNEW he was evil. He’s the one that orchestrated this shit. We’re way past the point of a simple “What have I done?” You were fucked the minute you killed Dooku. Don’t act like this changes anything.

Colin:

“What have I done?!” Seriously, dude? I’ll tell you what you DIDN’T do. You didn’t think about anything for even one second. Who CUTS off someone’s arm without thinking of the repercussions?

I like how he’s so shocked at what he did he has to sit down.

He really is a stupid little fucker.

“You’re fulfilling your destiny.”

So it was his destiny to have that stupid haircut?

Why is his forehead parted and his hair isn’t?

Colin:

His head is an old lady butt.

Seriously, his forehead is creeping me the fuck out. It looks like a vagina eating Sour Patch. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t look like this in Jedi, so what gives?

Also, I like that he just calls him his apprentice. No negotiation, no acceptance. “Nah, nah, you’re my apprentice, come on.”

That’s like me going up to Keira Knightley and just calling her my wife.

(P.S. You guys think that’ll actually work?)

“I will do whatever you ask.”

Wait, WHAT?! YOU JUST SAID “WHAT HAVE I DONE?”!!!!

Seriously, this movie would be so much better with characterization. How about actually showing him wrestling with this for a minute or two?

Colin:

Okay, so somewhere between “what have I done” and this moment, Anakin’s decided that even though he’s done the wrong thing, it’s too late to go back and that he isn’t REALLY remorseful. So I’m really confused with his thought process. This brings me back to my issues from a few minutes ago, namely – it doesn’t matter whether or not he has a good relationship with the blacks Jedi, because all that matters in the end is that he’s willing to abandon all his principles for Padme. So you can either change his motivations and make it more about the Jedi issues, OR you can give us a more convincing love story between the two of them and a more realistic threat to her life.

Oh, and it would help if we had more than just innuendo about Palpatine being able to save her life. Cause Anakin didn’t just betray everything and everyone he knows to save her – he did all that for the POSSIBILITY to save her.

But really, man…all of this could have been avoided if you’d used rubber. Just sayin’.

Yeah, and it would protect against Force lightning, too.

“Just help me save Padme’s life.”

Really? That’s the wrestling you do? Negotiation? “Okay, I’ll be evil… just make sure my chick don’t die.”

“I can’t live without her.”

Well, you’re going to.

“I pledge myself to your teachings.”

Really? He JUST said, “Only one person has ever had the power to cheat death. But, you know, if we work on it… we can probably get that done.”

This guy must hate single fathers.

Colin:

It’s really bothering me how Anakin failed to get any more info on the front end. If he was really serious about saving Padme, he would have gotten some deets from Palpatine earlier when he discovered that he was the Sith. Every hooker knows not to give anything up before he flashes the cashes. Cause now Anakin’s just blown this dude and instead of the $100 that was promised, all he’s got to show for it is a Subway Sub Club card with two stamps left for a free footlong and Samuel L. Jackson’s singed corpse.

“The first rule of the Dark Side is you do not talk about the Dark Side. The second rule is – you gotta suck my DICK!”

“The Force is strooong with you.”

Seriously, listen to how he says that (and watch it, too). He actually sounds like he’s getting his dick sucked. I was just messing around because of that screenshot. I love when a movie plays right into what I was joking about.

Yeah…

Find me another review that singled out those shots.

“Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth…”

“Vader.”

Why, exactly? He just pulls that name out of his ass? What is that, the Duchess of the Sith world?

Colin:

Vader? Did he pull that name right out of his forehead butt? Do Sith have set names?

Yoda had a few too many last night.

Or he’s troubled.

He’s actually putting his pants back on.

Okay, I’ve been holding it in this long, but… he looks nothing like the Palpatine in Return of the Jedi. It’s kind of disgusting. The other Palpatine looked okay. This is just weird.

Now you look just like flashy face in The Exorcist. That’s not Palpatine.

It’s also weird that he doesn’t even feel all the fucked up shit that just happened to his face.

Still not as bad as that fucking hair.

Now he looks like a senile old man.

Which – what would that be like? Senile Palpatine, wandering around toy stores and shit.

“Oh… Grandpa…”

“I used to be Ed McMahon!”

… just like Grandpa.

Palpatine tells him to go kill a bunch of kids.

… just like Grandpa.

Colin:

None of what follows makes any more sense. We hear that the Jedi will be a threat to the Republic…so we’re…BACK to the not trusting the Jedi thing? Even though Anakin knows this guy is evil and is now cool with that? Why does Palpatine tell Anakin that the Republic will be in danger because of them? Even if the Jedi “plot” was to unseat Palpatine, they were only doing that because they suspected him of being a Sith lord, which has now been confirmed. I’m confused as to what’s wrong with their so-called plot now.

Then he tells him to go to Mustafar and take out the Chinaman.

(But actually, just…)

Colin:

So Palpatine continues to phrase all this shit like it’s in the best interest of the Republic – like how even though he’s a Sith, he’s only ordering Anakin to do this shit so the Republic will be safe. But Anakin never once stops to think, “Hey, wait…if you’re the Sith lord that’s been running shit all along, the Separatists who pose a danger to the Republic are under your control as well! YOU’RE the danger to the Republic!” And then even when Palpatine happens to know the exact location of Nute Gunray (though he only tells him to go to Mustafar, not WHERE on Mustafar… thanks for narrowing it down, asshole) and the other Separatists, which should make it obvious that they’re in cahoots, Anakin just goes with it. Dude, do you have a SINGLE brain cell in there?

“Once more the Sith will rule the galaxy!”

Colin:

“ONCE MORE, THE SITH WILL RULE THE GALAXY!” “Wait, wasn’t this all for the sake of peace?” “Oh, uh…and there will be peace.”

It’s amazing how simply and completely Anakin goes along with this. There’s no real motivation for it whatsoever. He just completely flips and doesn’t wrestle with what he’s about to do at all.

“And corn fritters. Those are tasty.”

Seriously… this motherfucker is a senile old man. That’s what he is.

Colin:

So to recap, the Jedi’s suspicions of Palpatine have ALL been correct, and therefore, their lack of trust in Anakin because of his relationship with the Chancellor was completely founded. It’s now confirmed that Palpatine has been manipulating both sides of the war and that the whole crisis has been manufactured from the get-go…and Anakin still believes that the Jedi are the bad guys. Just so we’re clear, that’s the story you’re selling, Lucas?

Literally had this exact same shot earlier, but from the other side, and in daylight. Maybe you don’t need the big swoop in, George. Then again, you’re assuming we’re able to tell one generic, computer-generated environment apart from another, which – might have been a good call.

Though my guess is it wasn’t a call, and you just don’t give a fuck and did it because, “Why not?”

Colin:

FUCK I love the Jedi Temple March. This song is so fucking good. It might just be because I’m a trumpet player that I love this. John Williams knows how to treat trumpet players right. Remember the badass main theme from the Desert Chase in Raiders of the Lost Ark? It’s got that same pulsing rhythm in quarter notes as the trumpets bust in with a sexy ass ominous line. It’s good when people recognize that trumpets are basically the top-tier orchestral instrument for badassery.

Colin:

Okay, that aerial shot just undid a lot of Lucas’ fuck ups. I like me an aerial shot of dudes marching.

Subtle, right, guys?

Oh…wait… THIS fucking thing is still going on?

That motherfucker got FUCKED UP!

Also, love the Stormtrooper calling for a medic at the bottom. That’s awesome.

Spiders?

I blame space Hagrid for this.

Holy shit, that’s GREAT. This has NO PURPOSE whatsoever, and yet – a Stormtrooper just ran around a spider, jumped on top of its head, and shot it through the fucking skull.

A+

Colin:

What are those droid Aragog things? That’s so fucked up! Love the takedown, though. TO THE HEAD!

And then he whips around and shoots another one in the face!

This guy is a hero.

Really? THAT’S the one that found the lightsaber?

“Thank you, Cody.”

WHAT?!!! I’m not even gonna elaborate on why that’s a “What?!” It should be self-explanatory.

Colin:

They’re setting this up horribly. He’s chummy with this clone commander, who’s even called Cody, after Commando Cody of sci-fi serial fame. And even though Cody is a special clone who has enhanced independence and critical thinking skills, he kills the guy that he’s been palls with for years through this war. That’s all your friendship was worth, Kenobi. This is like some poor schmuck falling in love with Siri. Which is totally possible in Japan.

He looks like he’s entering another level, like it’s Super Mario 64 or Crash Bandicoot or something.

Wait… and he’s evil, too?

Well fuck you, then, Cody.

Colin:

Are we to believe that the Emperor knows Cody’s nickname and that he’s sending this message to all clone commanders INDIVIDUALLY?

“Execute Order 66.”

What happened to Order 65?

So we’re to believe that he gave him his lightsaber back just in time for him to turn evil? So if Obi-Wan were three seconds late, he’d have gotten shot in the fucking head? And if he were two seconds late, he’d have seen Palpatine give the order to kill him.

Though it seems like Cody waited to answer Palpatine until he gave Obi-Wan his lightsaber back. Like, the phone was ringing, and you’re still talking to someone, so you let it ring until they’re gone. Which begs the question – why bother giving him the lightsaber back? He probably doesn’t even know it’s gone.

Right there, that thing’s head is cut off.

Honestly, I feel worse for that creature.

Remember that shot I wanted you to remember?

Take a look at what amount of area down there is actually water.

Yeah, I’m sure that’s probable.

Colin:

I love the idea that Obi-Wan would work shit out while he’s in free fall. Like, we know he stays “dead” which suggests that he knows the clone troopers were the ones that shot at him. But he wasn’t expecting it. Which means that somewhere between getting shot at and hitting the water, he pieces it together. They still should have done a mini Bourne ending, though.

“Get some sleep, Padme. You look tired.”

So they’re wiping out all the Jedi.

Colin:

I’m actually a really big fan of this montage. Particularly the first one they show, where Ki-Adi-Mundi is leading clone troopers across some bridge that looks like it’s out of Halo. He yells, “Come on!” and charges, but when they cut to the clone troopers’ feet stopping and taking position, you know that shit is over. I think what makes it is that it’s snowing and the troopers have cloaks and shit. It’s all very WWII-era Soviet. You can see the confusion in his face for that split second before he gets what’s up. But they’re Soviets, man. Can’t trust them.

Seriously, Disney. John Le Carre to write Star Wars.

Better get on that soon.

Hello, boobies!

Goddamn, though, right?

(You know George jacked it at least once to the thought of those things. You know he did.)

In fact…

(Now I’m thinking if I actually should do this, just so I can say I did.)

(Story developing.)

Who needs Venice?

Colin:

Damn, titties. This would have been so much better if they’d shown her walking, but when they shot her it was the aerial shot with the leaf covering her. Filmmakers need to go back to NOT showing stuff for effect.

Keyser Soze?

He ate some bad chili nachos.

Yoda:

I’m coming, Elizabeth!

Big respect to everyone who gets that without looking it up.

Colin:

This one got it in his headset. What if Cody’d still been with Obi-Wan when the message went out? They should have done this for all of them.

Damn it… why couldn’t he pull out a gun and shoot her in the head? That would have been badass.

Colin:

But how much does it suck that they keep showing us the earlier versions of all the stuff we know from the original trilogy? You’re like, “Oh, there’s the walkers from Endor! And that’s the early X-Wing thing! And here’s the Endor speeders!”

Let’s all pause to appreciate this one.

Where’s the Iron Kashyyk when you need him?

This reminds me of when I was growing up and there would always be those monster truck commercials.

Bigfoot vs. Snake Bite.

I have no fucking idea who the fuck those two trucks are, but all I know is — those motherfuckers faced off like crazy in the early 90s. Those fucking commercials would be on ALL the time. And they always made it seem like this was something popular, and that everyone knew what it was…

Love the wooden floor.

Oh, but yeah. It’s Yoda’s turn.

Order 66 executing, he is.

Colin:

You’re taking the call on SPEAKER that close to Yoda? You see his ears? We have no idea what abilities his species have, he might be able to hear shit. Which, how baller would it have been if Yoda had some secret ability that he’d kept DL for the whole 900 years and just broke out for the Palpatine fight? Like heat eyes or some shit. And Palpatine would be like, “What is this power I have no knowledge of? I have the most complete knowledge of the Force of anyone in the universe!” And Yoda’d be all, “Force? Who said something about Force? You must not know my species, cause this is just some shit we do.” I would have fucking applauded.

I really like this. The slow walk over. It’s like that moment the father goes out back to put down the family dog.

The sad part about this is that it’s not sad. You know Yoda survives.

Oh, that works. It wasn’t sad for that long.

I’ll give him a good grade on that one. That was cool.

Colin:

Thugnificent.

“Bitch.”

Why is that Wookiee covered in packing peanuts?

“Quick, climb atop my arm to freedom.”

“Whee! We’re going to the zoo!”

“Master Skywalker – ”

First off… he’s not a master.

Colin:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. First of all – not a Master yet. Second of all, he ain’t called Skywalker anymore. Third of all – you made the mistake of being a British child. Cause he’ll save children, but not the British children.

“I accidentally scratched your DVD of Air Bud: Golden Retriever.”

3PO is the Japanese handmaiden.

You know which one I mean.

Colin:

That’s hilarious. “He returned to the Jedi Temple. I’m sure he’ll be all right.” Cut to the Jedi Temple, all Towering Inferno.

… hormones.

(Also…crying face.)

This is really making this movie bearable.

What kind of fire department do they have here? Those ships we saw at the beginning? Because I feel like this fire spreads to the rest of the city if no one is careful.

Jimmy Smits, baby.

Colin:

“I’m sorry, sir. It’s time for you to leave.” “And so it is.” Correct answer.

… just like that? Talk about a walk-on role.

Colin:

Damn, this kid got the skills. At least, more than some of the Masters we’ve seen. Was he All-Conference, or…?

“NOOOOO!!!!”

What are you screaming about?

So that’s what happened. He showed up, they said leave. He turned around like, “I wonder why.” Then a kid randomly shows up and gets killed. Then he gets shot at and breaks out. This scene makes absolutely NO sense to me.

I’m guessing this is supposed to be the moment where he becomes a Rebel. We never saw any character development for him, but my guess is they used this moment to show him witnessing Empire atrocities and lay the foundation for him being leader of the Rebellion. Problem is — it makes no goddamn sense.

And I believe the reason they don’t kill him immediately is because they have orders to kill just the Jedi, not the senators, right? But then he screams so they shoot at him anyway? So they were gonna kill him, just when he flew away? It’s pretty bizarre.

“Good thing I had my trusty breathing device with me.”

Nothing like a cock slap to the face after you thought he put it away.

This reminds me of an almost exact shot in Rio Grande.

(Something I feel only Colin will truly get.)

Yoda be fleein’.

Colin:

Does Chewie’s friend have dreads?

Chewie only pawn in war of stars.

Wow… that’s the closest Yoda’s looked to real all franchise.

Dagobah and he wan’ go home.

So what was that escape pod there for? A Wookiee certainly couldn’t fit in it.

Colin:

So did Yoda suspect shit and have that teeny ship there just in case? Or is he just the sort that likes to plan things in advance?

Is there a refrigerator in there? a toilet? Or will he get there in like, eight hours?

You think Lucas is gonna have a moment where some Stormtroopers are like, “It’s an escape pod, should we shoot it?” “Nahh”?

Just like Harry.

That other Wookiee… Predator, rasta, or Battlefield Earth?

(Drink. Did not remember that was here.)

Phone home.

Colin:

Also, wouldn’t Sidious have some means, as the Separatist overlord, to deactivate all the droids? Wouldn’t it make sense, now that he has complete power, to stop making two armies he controls both of continue to decimate one another? I mean, you could say that Gunray, Dooku, or Grievous would have had those powers, but after all that Palpatine’s been able to organize, it doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch for him to finagle.

REBEL BASE!

And tits!

Colin:

Tantive IV! We know this ship.

I love seeing people walk quickly like they’re in some sort of rush when you can see immediately that they’ve changed their clothes in the past few minutes. Yes, you’re off to do something rather urgent, but not urgent enough that you couldn’t do it without your cloak!

I like that he has to walk past Grievous’s corpse.

Colin:

Hah, Grievous’ body’s still just chilling there. That’s great. I’m surprised Lucas didn’t give him a quip for it.

Well damn.. there’s some original trilogy coloring.

“Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”

I know exactly who this is. And I don’t even definitely know what he’s ‘bout to say. Remember, I only saw this shit once before this.

“Senator Organa.”

SEE?! I didn’t even fucking know it. That motherfucker adopts Leia. Had zero idea that was Organa.

Nothing like coming home to the wife after a hard day of killing children.

Colin:

Anakin just did all that while R2 hung out with the ship. That’s great.

Anyway… Anakin says he’s with Palpatine, and says that he hopes Obi-Wan comes round.

Colin:

It’s cute how deluded he is, saying he’s loyal to “the senate.” That same senate gets wiped out later on, not that they have any power anyway.

“Anakin, I’m afraid.”

And… he’s leaving.

Colin:

Of course he tells her where he’s going, for the first time ever. Cause we need her to follow him there.

Still kind of bizarre that she stays with him during all of this.

And it’s weird that he assumes when she finds out about all of this, she’ll be cool with it.

Kind of narrow-minded view. Classic 70s situation here. She lives, you’re fucked, because you sacrificed everything to make it so, and she dies, you’re fucked. I applaud the attempt, but the way you got there was really bad.

By the way… how come they don’t remember all this?

(Fuck you, Lucas.)

Colin:

Yes, C3PO “feels” helpless. What was that about droids and thinking?

Rebels!

There’s a coded message, telling the Jedi to return to the temple because the war’s over. So they can be killed. They’re gonna go take it out or some such shit to figure out who sent it.

Colin:

I find it hard to believe that the Jedi wouldn’t have their own protocols and code words to prevent exactly this sort of thing from happening. “Ah, you said to come back to the Jedi Temple, but you didn’t say ‘Sebulba says!’”

This is where we’ll END PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and the end of this franchise.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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