Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005), Part V — “Why Does Everything I Choke Leave Me?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The last of the Star Wars franchise.

We begin Part V on:

Mustafar.

Colin:

Here we are, at the end of Resident Evil 5. Or Mt. Doom. Let’s go with Mt. Doom. Which is where Albert Wesker “died.”

Volcanoes are just the earth nutting.

But actually Mordor. You know it’s Mordor.

Big fan of volcanoes.

Colin:

Why are these things harvesting lava randomly? And couldn’t you do that from the…lava bank?

A lot of random things get harvested in this franchise.

Maybe this place is the Panama Canal of this universe.

Lotta dead space Chinamen in this place.

Colin:

“He will…take care of you.” I never like hearing that. Unless you’re 12 or younger, you’re like, “Wait…you’re sending your Sith apprentice to make me a grilled cheese, or…?”

This is actually a line that can be used for Assassination Attempt or Sex.

Is it me or is he really starting to make this look like the original trilogy?

Organa is summoned to a “special” meeting of the senate, where I’m assuming Palpatine is just gonna pull out his dick and parade around like, “A HA HA, I can do whatever I want! NYAHH!”

Colin:

Why’d they call it ‘congress’ this time?

There are so many elements… I can only choose one…

Do you expect me to buy that R2 doesn’t know anything because he makes him stay behind?

Because then you’re completely diminishing R2’s character.

So take your pick.

Colin:

This droid clearly knows the difference between good and evil, or else he wouldn’t be as concerned about what’s going on. But all the same, thanks for bitching out, R2.

Nice. This is concise George. Close the door, you know what’s about to happen without needing to see it.

Colin:

Did George take my advice and not show the carnage?! Just closing the doors and windows is pretty sweet. You know what’s about to go down.

Love this shot.

Love the scale of this shot.

Look at Yoda!

Colin:

Okay, I know I complained about a lot of the theatrical lightsaber shit and then only liked the Palpatine spin jump because it was Palpatine, but I genuinely dig the throwing of the lightsaber. It’s something pretty new, and it works for Yoda. The only way to make this cooler is to have him pull it out of the clone trooper with the Force as he keeps moving.

What happened to all this badass stuff in the first two?

Palpatine is gonna hunt down all the remaining Jedi.

Colin:

Right, Padme’s all confused.

I like that chick behind her, who is peeking over that dude’s shoulder just to look down the barrel of the camera.

Also — does no one care that she’s so pregnant?

Walking through a room of bodies. Always fun.

Also, whose car do you think Windu landed on?

All’s well that ends well.

Colin:

Aw, you had to cut back to Anakin in the room killing people. You just HAD to. You couldn’t leave it with the doors being closed, could you? Goddamn it, Lucas. Showing restraint and then doing something is just as bad as just doing it.

He’s not really learning the Dark Side of the Force. He’s kinda just killing people.

Colin:

Sometimes I turn around and stare into an imaginary camera before I do something dramatic.

Palpatine is making a Galactic Empire.

Colin:

So Palpatine is pretending to be Space Viktor Yushchenko. Basically.

Hooray, fascism!

“So this is how everybody dies. With thunderous applause.”

Colin:

I don’t get how people just go along with this. He says things, like how the Republic will be rearranged into an Empire, and they just clap, even though the only particulars they’re getting is that the name is gonna change. Plus, as senators, you’d think that any revision of the existing republic would mean problems for them. How is this working for Palpatine? He’s basically telling him that he’s decided to make all of their jobs obsolete, but TRUST HIM, cause it’s gonna be sweet.

Groveling Chinaman.

Good job not being racist, George.

Colin:

So what, you listen to part of the racist alien’s appeals before giving him the chop suey?

That entire sentence was perfect.

He’s changed the code and is telling all remaining Jedi to stay away. Boy… this seems pointless.

Colin:

I’m amazed that this place isn’t SWARMING with clones. There were like ten out front, cause that’s apparently the force that was deemed fit to fight off all the Jedi who were being summoned back.

But Obi-Wan must know the truth about who killed all those kids.

Weird how the tapes only recorded the important bits. That’s a pretty big temple. And it’s only recording that specific image.

Also not how that scene happened. The recording is completely inaccurate.

Colin:

It’s kinda funny how in the recording, Anakin’s so obviously enjoying the fight. He’s fighting slowly on purpose, letting them get in their tries and giving it about15 percent of his effort. It’s like Gohan fighting the Cell Jrs.

I like how he already kinda knows.

That wall looks like a Balrog nutted on it.

“I can’t watch anymore.”

It’s already over, though.

That’s like turning off the microwave with three seconds left. The only difference is, this ain’t gonna beep.

I thought you couldn’t watch anymore.

Obi-Wan has to go kill Anakin.

Colin:

Yoda doesn’t even bring up the possibility that Vader be redeemed. Wouldn’t you try to bring him back from the Dark Side? There have been plenty of Jedi who go Sith and come back, and even vice-versa. But whatever, just go kill him.

So in this universe, you can go black AND you can come back.

Damn shame they’re not gonna be able to live in that nice place anymore.

Obi-Wan tells Padme.

She doesn’t believe it.

Colin:

“No! That’s not true! That’s IMPOSSIBLE!” This is just a lot of Natalie Portman saying shit can’t be true.

If any face was gonna be an appropriate match to that other face, it’s hers.

Like mother, like son.

Jesus.

He tells her about the kids.

She doesn’t believe it.

He tells her about Palpatine.

Maybe we’re getting somewhere?

Nope.

Colin:

I’m betting Mike is going to remind us that Lucas is an Oscar-nominated screenwriter.

This is why you have people.

“Anakin is the father, isn’t he?”

Somebody call Maury.

I like the long stare before he leaves like, “… really? Him?”

Colin:

The best part of this whole scene is that Obi-Wan’s ship has an automatic cockpit that works on a motion sensor. I want that.

Notice how they only put their hoods up when there’s killing to be done.

Also, he’s gonna let the kids live, though? How about thrusting them back into the fiery chasm from whence they came?

Colin:

See, the scene with him slashing all of them, and especially the bit with Gunray should have been cut so they could have resumed here.

Wouldn’t you hide the bodies in the lava?

So what do you think about when you’re evil?

♫ “And even though I know how very far apart we are…” ♫

“When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.”

Is that a Ho-Oh ship?

Oh… now she’s going too.

So, in a way… Obi-Wan killed Padme.

Colin:

Obi-Wan’s a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost. Or…not yet.

Also… watch this scene… 3PO has these crazy motions, and the only dialogue we hear out of him is an, “Oh dear!” It’s completely incongruous.

Colin:

Shut the fuck up, 3PO.

Aren’t you not supposed to fly this far along?

Obi-Wan be sneaking.

What happened to searching his feelings?

Also, Fifth Element.

And also — why is he even bothering to hide?

Because seriously… who the fuck is gonna find you down there? She’s pregnant and 3PO’s an idiot. This is a choice.

Cool way to close a door, though.

You know, I think I may be a Jedi. I Force Quit shit on my Macbook all the time.

Also, can we mention what that ship is gonna feel like once it’s been sitting around molten lava for twenty minutes? I hope they have A/C.

Colin:

I want this Naboo ship. That’s a nice ship.

Fifth Element.

The sets are getting more 70s and 80s.

“It is finished, then.”

He tells Anakin to have all the droid units shut down.

Colin:

Okay, so NOW he tells Anakin to shut off the droid units.

Why would you have them shut down? (Aside from plot reasons.) Wouldn’t it be useful to have both droids and clone troopers at your disposal?

Colin:

What is it with this universe and entire systems being like a block wide? He said ‘Mustafar SYSTEM’ and yet everyone knows EXACTLY where to go on this enormous planet. That’s like if you told someone to go to our SOLAR SYSTEM, and they all knew to show up in Billings, Montana.

I guess Padme just followed her volca-nose.

Yuh huh… you’re pregnant.

“I saw your ship,” he says…

WELL FUCKING REALLY…

Colin:

“I saw your ship.” Hah. God, but this man can write.

“Obi-Wan told me terrible things.”

“What things?”

“Butt stuff.”

Now… here’s a question… those flying bits of ash… aren’t they hot enough to burn through your skin?

Colin:

How are you becoming more powerful? What new powers do you have? You just killed a bunch of guys. What “new powers” does that give you?

“He knows.”

“I won’t lose you the way I lost my mother.”

Uhh… just so we’re all on the same page… we’re aware of how completely different these situations are and how fucked up what he’s saying is, right?

Right.

“Come away with me.”

“Help me raise our child.”

Here?

“We don’t have to run away anymore.”

But you did before?

“I have brought peace to the Republic.”

Oh… he doesn’t know.

She be backin’ up.

Colin:

How does it feel, Padme? Aren’t you glad you mixed genes with something that disagrees with you?

I love how he’s like,” Nah, I can overthrow him. I can rule this shit.”

It’s pretty great how at the same time, you’re like, “I’ve brought peace to the galaxy,” and, “I can also create chaos and take over.”

Colin:

Hah. Obi-Wan was right – Anakin’s a douche. But I wouldn’t say, “Obi-Wan was right – you’ve changed!” Nothing about Anakin has changed…he’s always been a huge douche.

“Don’t you do this to me, bitch.”

“I don’t know you anymore.”

And the winner for most attractive upset face goes to…

“You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”

Because you’re gonna die?

“Because of Obi-Wan?”

You idiot.

Colin:

This is funny, how they just say some random dialogue that’s mostly a slightly changed version of what they’ve already said, and then Anakin makes it about Obi-Wan somehow without even making the slightest effort to link them. Lucas is being so obvious in his setup for the duel, just throwing out whatever lines that are necessary to get Anakin pissed at Obi-Wan, even though it makes no fucking sense at all. Padme could tell Anakin he was breaking her heart because his hair is too awful, and Anakin would still be like, “Obi-Wan’s a cunt!”

“Because you killed KIDS, motherfucker!”

HA! Look at that pose! You know what that pose is? That’s the, “That’s why I fucked yo bitch, you Sith motherfucker” pose.

Colin:

HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS TOO MUCH. Look at that pose! Why are his legs so far apart?! Why is he looking so dramatic on purpose? The only words that you can say with a pose like this are, “LET US FUCK!”

WEST SIDE!!!

First off, fuck your bitch,

And the Sith of course,

Jedi, when we ride,

Come equipped with Force.

You think that you a badass,

But I fucked Padme,

I fucked her on Tatooine,

And also on Friday.

– – – – –

Plus Palpy tryin’ to see me weak,

Minds I trick,

Him and his apprentice,

Y’all can suck my dick.

– – – – –

I keep on coming,

While you’re dealing in absolutes,

I fuck your bitch,

In hyperdive all the way to Naboo,

You know the route.

I love that face. The — “NO! Not now!” This is like when Harvey Dent sees Batman walk in the warehouse with him. “WHY ARE YOU COMING FOR ME?!!”

Natalie Portman’s crying face makes me laugh just like that.

Natalie Portman’s crying face is the Harvey Dent scream of this franchise.

This is the appropriate reaction.

This is actually pretty great.

Maybe do something other than stand there as he’s choking a bitch.

That’s not even a real hand.

This face works so much better out of context than it does in context.

That is to say, I read more into the facial expression via screenshot than I do in the movie.

I like how he’s altered his one facial expression to this one in this movie.

Colin:

“Why does everything I choke leave me?”

I’m gonna be SHOCKED if that doesn’t end up the subtitle.

Convenient.

Also, she’s really pregnant and that’s like, super bad for you.

You’re not allowed to have that look when you could have stopped it at any time.

Colin:

Jeez, Obi-Wan, think maybe you wanna stop him from choking her instead of just TELLING him to do so?

You’d also think that Force choking would bring back bad memories for Vader. Like he wouldn’t do it as much as he ends up doing.

Tell that to David Carradine.

“You turned her against me!”

“You have done that yourself!”

Last I checked, nobody did that.

Last I checked, she was trying to help him.

Colin:

“CRAZY PERSON LINE!” “All your fault, bro.” x17

Oh, fuck… that’s a good subtitle too, though.

But not as good as the other one.

“YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER FROM ME!”

LAST I CHECKED YOU WERE ABOUT TO DO THAT YOURSELF!

“Your anger and your lust for power have already done that.”

Lust for power? Also, you basically just repeated the exact same two lines that just were said.

Remember what I said about George just doing repetition and variation all the time?

“You have allowed this dark lord to twist your mind until now — until now you have become the very thing you have sworn to destroy.”

Dark lord?

And what twisting of his mind? I haven’t seen any twisting. You know why? Because it’s part of the story and not part of the plot. The story says Palpatine twisted Anakin’s mind, the plot didn’t show me shit about that happening. Last I saw, Anakin was worried like a little bitch and Anakin said he could help him and Anakin made a split second decision. Maybe it would have been more like twisting his mind if we got more scenes of that happening. But I guess instead we needed a fucking Tusken Raider raid, a battle on Kashyyyk, no real Anakin until movie two and a fucking pod race, right?

You’ll be gone quicker than Qui-Gon,

You ain’t shit, motherfucker I’m Obi-Wan,

Skywalker,

You ain’t no Alec Guinness,

I’ll fuck you up just like I did the Phantom Menace,

Motherfucker, I chop ’em up.

Great shot.

“If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy.”

All of the Oscars.

Colin

“If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy.” Seriously, get this writer ALL the Oscars. Just round em on up, Best Makeup and everything, and just give them all to George.

I love these articles.

So much.

“Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”

Colin:

He said, dealing in absolutes.

“I will do what I must.”

“You will try.”

Colin:

I can’t not laugh out loud at this line. “You will try!” That became a joke with us in college.

This is a joke with me now.

OH SHIT… it’s on!

Colin:

Admittedly, the initial power of this duel is good. The choreography is, of course, impressive. And they’re into it.

This is cool. He just waltzes into the motherfucker’s office.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!

That was GREAT!

Colin:

That’s gotta be the sexiest thing we’ve ever see Yoda do in the prequels. Fuck yo guards.

What about… oh, wait… I have the only copy of that.

Colin:

You have to remember how quickly things have changed. Like, shit looks very different today than it did yesterday. These Imperial Guards were not around til Palpatine seized power completely, but their uniforms are pretty much set. I like to imagine Palpatine getting swatches of red cloth in his office to review before ordering the uniforms made and looking at them as senators came in to talk. And they’d be like, “What’s that, for the drapes? Looking to make a change around here?” “What’s that? Hm? Oh, yes. ‘Change.’”

I want to see that movie. That movie specifically, with that scene, but also that movie, of the person who seizes power and is overseeing a complete military coup of a place and turning it into a fascist state. And picking out all the different styles and designs and shit. Figuring out what the logo is gonna be. The salute. All of that.

Colin:

Swivel chair!

“I hear a new apprentice you have, Emperor.”

His eyes look like buttholes with eyes.

Colin:

Glad you can’t see his nasty forehead. His eyes remind me of Angela’s Ashes, though. “Like two pissholes in the snow.” Also, his teeth weren’t that bad before all this. Isn’t it interesting how Force Lightning fucks up your face and also adds about 40 years of plaque buildup?

Well this is unnecessary.

I’d have preferred if they just talked.

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

But seriously, wouldn’t have been so much baller if they just talked to one another and didn’t fight?

Like Xavier and Magneto or something.

Or, if you must have a fight, for you nerd assholes who have to see everyone fight (Note: This is one reason I hated The Avengers), they can have a brief fight that leads to one of them peacing and you get the same thing.

The fight’s not that good anyway and takes attention away from the one we give a shit about.

Why don’t people have the balls to just have a straight up ten minute fight without cutting away from it?

What if Obi-Wan and Anakin’s fight was entirely done in one scene, without cuts to anything not related to the fight?

They could cut to lava and stuff, but ultimately, it’s the entire fight and nothing else that isn’t Mustafar? How amazing would that be?

Anakin’s balling out with this lightsaber. A lot of behind the back shit going on… this is pretty great.

Not great for screenshots, but the swordsmanship is admirable.

Colin:

Oh, shit. Lots of twisty lightsaber bits. That’s usually where someone gets something chopped.

What is this, junior prom?

It’s funny comparing this fight to when they’re both old and infirm. There’s actually a reason for it.

Ha ha… dead Chinaman.

Colin:

Hah. Dead racist aliens.

Right?

Colin:

His hands! Yes!

Well that’s a shocker.

That’s actually what that would look like, though.

Why you pulling some Matrix shit, George? It’s only this movie you do it. Why now?

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HIS LITTLE ONESIE!

Look at that little smirk, too.

Colin:

Goddamn it, Yoda. With the lightsaber? You couldn’t beat Dooku, you think this is gonna go any better?

And that one.

Colin:

I can’t help but like Palpatine. Every other move, they cut back to him just laughing like a senile old person (which he kinda is).

Go back and read your scene about “Change” up there again and you’ll see exactly why it was so funny to me.

Look at that batting stance.

I don’t think you know baseball at all.

He looks like he has all the fighting experience of Dominic Greene.

Metaphors are funny.

Right, though?

Driver’s license photo.

Padme ain’t never gonna hear about it.

Shhh….

Just behead him now and get it over with.

Jesus, he just fucking dropkicked him.

Colin:

Damn, but that was a kick.

Also, they’re fighting on top of a conference table.

Colin:

Wait, can we talk about how they’re fighting on a conference table? Did someone get John Mayer to play the fight riff?

KICKING FIGHT!

Also, he totally just flipped like twice in mid air.

This second battle is wholly unnecessary and is taking interest away from the first fight, which arguably is the reason these prequels exist. This encounter should only have been a conversation, like the Oracle and the Architect. I get why you want them to have a fight, but it shouldn’t happen. There’s no room for it, and you’re diluting the other battle.

Plus Yoda does not look good during lightsaber battles. He has to flip around like a luchador and shit. Just let him be Yoda.

I will admit, though… this is kind of a nice image.

Colin:

Okay, in spite of how I feel about this duel in general, them rising up into the center of the senate chamber looks really good.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

What the fuck are you guys doing?

What is this, a Prometheus show?

(I swear, those images are not doctored in any way. This actually happens.)

Colin:

What was this part where they’re just twirling and not hitting each other?

A HA HA HA! They both went for it! It’s like trying to put two same sides of a magnet together.

Colin:

And then they both Force Push at the same time? Is this supposed to be because they’ve had the same training? That they each know each other’s moves? (Chris Tucker’s line at the end of that scene sounds like a Star Wars language.)

I like that they just go back to Duel of Fates for a second here, because it’s clearly the best song the franchise has for epic fight scenes.

There’s symbolism here, isn’t there?

This looks so funny out of context.

Unintentional tally ho!

THIS IS SPARTA!

WE DON’T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHERFUCKER BURN!

EUUUAHHH!!

Colin:

This is great. He’s throwing their hover platforms at him. Shit.

Nice shot.

Colin:

Now that’s a tally ho.

I don’t know if it counts as a tally ho if you’re getting out of the way of something. I think that’s just avoiding death.

I think for it to be a true tally ho, it has to be a choice.

Colin:

This is where the Force is both better and worse than Harry Potter magic. In Harry Potter, you don’t necessarily have to know WHERE in the room a thing is, cause you can just Accio it. But you can’t really pull that off during a duel while you’re using your wand full time; Jedi have two hands with which to do shit. Which begs the question, WHY HAVE THERE NEVER BEEN DUAL-WIELDING WIZARDS?

(Harry Potter TV Series idea: dual-wielding wizards.)

Oh no. Darth Maully Weasley.

Now I want everyone to picture Palpatine saying, “Get away from her, you bitch!”

Oh, my bad. “Not my daughter, you bitch!”

I tend to mix that line up with the original line she stole it from.

But now that I think about it, isn’t it also weird that we never find out Palpatine’s first name? Ever? It’s just Senator Palpatine. Or Chancellor Palpatine. Or Emperor Palpatine. What do you think his first name is? Richie? “Ay yo, I’m Richie Palpatine. Come sit on my lap, honey.”

I was hoping maybe we’d have that moment where he’s sitting in his office with a bottle of whiskey, looking into his old diplomas. “Doctor John Palpatine…”

Colin:

And now I’m imagining Palpatine played by Victor Mature, and it’s weird. But as for the first name, they all thought it was too much of a bitch move to put it in his backstory (how often do you get that sort of restraint from the Star Wars folks?), so it was written away by explaining that as a youth he rebelled against his father and renounced his given name. So he changed it and ‘Palpatine,’ which was his family name, just became his…only name.

I’m gonna pretend that he’s actually a Boy Named Sue.

I hope his given name was Toby.

All I’m thinking right now is Ben Franklin.

… you guys remember Ben and Me?

… is now a bad time?

Premature ejaculation.

Funny that he can do this now, but in 18 years… nothing.

He’s flailing and laughing like the Joker.

What the fuck was that? Random droid comes up, goes, “Oh… sorry guys,” and then leaves.

Colin:

Really, George, walk me through your reasoning here. You’ve got a fight that’s trying to be dramatic for way too long, and you break up the action with the entrance of a random droid that shows up and goes, “I don’t want no part of this!” before peacing? What possible purpose did that serve? Do you really have ADHD, so that it’s impossible for you to do just one thing at a time? Was this fight as boring for you as it was for us, to the point that you threw in that droid for kicks? Cause it’s a film that was so heavily edited, you know there were about 15 different occasions where that droid had to be voted up or down, and every time, George was like, “Oh god yes, we need that fucking droid in there.”

Why must you ruin everything good, George?

Also… you’re both about to fall. There’s literally a good… I don’t know… six shots where the two have to balance themselves so as not to fall. And they’re both balancing at the same time. Wouldn’t you both go, “Well shit… this isn’t safe… let’s go somewhere more stable and fight”? What, do you think the other person is gonna fall before you do?

Colin:

Wouldn’t it be better if they like…adjourned to somewhere a little more conducive to a lightsaber battle?

“Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”

Colin:

Why is Yoda running like a bitch already? If you’re gonna have the fight, fucking HAVE the fight. You fought for like 20 seconds and fell to the ground. I’m sure that means game over in a duel, especially in a room full of hover platforms that could fly you back up. Especially since they decided the rules in the beginning, that THE FLOOR IS LAVA AND IF YOU TOUCH IT YOU DIE. But no matter, I guess the duel’s over. It’s not like the entire galaxy was at stake. Just go ahead and leave before you’ve exerted yourself or been injured. That’s a good plan.

The floor actually is lava.

This is like Face/Off.

I have to.

Tally ho!(-da)

“Into exile, I must go.”

Really don’t think you needed to say that… but all right.

Colin:

Jimmy Smits randomly has a 50s speeder. I bet he goes to that diner all the time.

Jimmy Smits is the Kobayashi of this movie.

“Failed, I have.”

It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. It takes a little green… thing… to… honestly, I got nothing. What the fuck are you, biologically?

You’d think they’d have clone troopers watching the roads, and the borders, and the tolls, and the… everything.

For someone who’s creating an Empire, you’re really doing a poor job of rounding up the last of the Jedi.

Well… you’re both about to die a fiery death, so why not continue fighting on the way down, right? Maybe one of you will die satisfied.

But at least you’ll be able to die doing what you love… inhaling molten rock.

Lavafall?

That is the technical term here, right?

Colin:

A waterfall, George? That’s all this is. A waterfall. Real original.

Also… he totally reused a waterfall in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Because remember, dear readers… he came up with that story too.

Okay, now we’re getting ridiculous.

Direct parallels to Shia with the monkeys.

He’s literally just reusing shit.

Right… because that would happen.

Too bad you didn’t pack any escape ropes.

Plaus-i-bil-i-ty!

Johnny Fuck You, is what that is. That fucking thing should throw lava in his face right now.

“I’m glad to be fighting with you, Anakin, here at the end of all things.”

Colin:

From your point of view the Jedi are evil? Dude, like 2 hours ago, you told Windu that Palpatine was a Sith lord. You then lamented helping Palpatine kill him. You KNEW like an hour ago that you were becoming a bad guy, but said, “Fuck it, I gotta save Padme.” Then you throw her away because of some bullshit that you came up with yourself? How did we get back to the Jedi being evil? I missed how at ANY time, the Jedi became evil in all of this, even from Anakin’s perspective.

Look at that cut Obi-Wan just took. Nice form.

Do you think Jedi have stances like baseball players?

I was always a fan of the Ken Griffey stance, myself.

Just as long as it’s not a Jeff Bagwell, really.

Or a Craig Counsell.

Is anyone following me right now?

“Anakin, I have failed you.”

“It’s over, Anakin. I have the high ground.”

Really? That’s all it takes to end a fight?

Colin:

Yes, just like Darth Maul had on you. And Anakin’s on a fucking hover thing! Just hover over to the bank and get off. There’s no way this has to end here, unless you’re a complete fucking moro—oh, wait, nevermind. Yeah, yeah, it’s over.

“You underestimate my power.”

Colin:

…is a great line to drop in everyday conversation.

Or… you could just fly that thing about twelve yards to the right and get off over there.

(DRINK!)

“Don’t try it.”

He’s gonna try it.

Oh man… we’re actually gonna get one…

I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!

Oh damn… he really can’t feel his legs.

Colin:

Of course they have to show him picking up the lightsaber, cause he gives it to Luke later.

“You were the chosen one!”

His liver is fucked.

Colin:

Throughout all of this, nobody ever asked him, “Hey, what do you think your mother would say about all this killing and shit you do?”

“I hate you!”

Real mature.

“You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.”

Vigorously.

He can probably feel his legs now.

Colin:

THIS BOY IS ON FIRE! I bet Vader’d be an Alicia Keys fan.

Dude… ROLL!

That’s pretty much all you CAN do right now!

Colin:

So…why don’t you kill him, Obi-Wan? The only thing I can think of is that he assumes Anakin will die there, anyway, and he can’t bring himself to actually kill the guy. Okay, so instead you’re just going to let him writhe in agony there until he dies? And even that doesn’t work out, cause they show up and save him! Thanks a fuck ton, asshole!

Right… because she’s that pregnant. Remember when she was running like, ten minutes ago?

What’chu doin’ with yo hand, Obi-Wan?

Colin:

“Is Anakin all right?” I think we need to have a chat about domestic violence, Padme.

It’s not rape is she’s sedated.

So… she asks if Anakin is all right, he touches her face, she passes out, and he leaves?

All of the Oscars.

All right.

I mean…

“There he is!”

(I… I think they see him.)

“He’s still alive.”

Wow… he’s like a concerned father. Maybe I’ve got this Palpatine guy all wrong.

Which is interesting, since this is the guy he’s training to kill him one day.

This is actually kind of touching, in a perverted kind of way.

Also… Palpatine’s hand touching Anakin right now… not the best thing that could be happening. Creepiness aside (we know how disgusting those hands are), he’s opening Anakin up to all sorts of infections, aside from the fact that these are major third degree burns… maybe touching the affected area isn’t the best way to go for his sake.

Colin:

Don’t TOUCH him, you idiot! That’s gonna hurt, and your nasty ass hands are probably germtown.

2001?

Colin:

Okay, here we are on Polis Massa and is that Daft Punk?

She was definitely not that pregnant ten minutes ago.

“Call Bonasera… we need him now.”

YOU’RE LEAVING HIM UNCOVERED IN THE RAIN?!!!! WHO TAUGHT YOU MEDICAL CARE?!!

Colin:

Is this not like the high courtyard in Gondor? DUDE, you’re letting him get rained on? That’s gotta be agony! Not to mention that rain on Coruscant is probably acidic.

You know… I really wouldn’t want a thing with no face delivering my baby.

I would want that thing serving me drinks, though.

It says she’s lost the will to live. But it also says there are twins in there.

Colin:

The robot also sounds like something out of WALL-E. Like EVE’s voice.

I know, Yoda. The writing was that bad.

“We can rebuild him… we have the technology…”

Seriously… Natalie Portman’s sad face is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

Colin:

Her face is pretty funny here.

(Comments will be reserved until the deed is done.)

“Luke…”

So that thing (it looks like Rosie from The Jetsons) is gonna stick those things in her… sounds like a pretty good time.

I’m sorry… I can’t not burst out laughing every time I see that face.

And now you’re all gonna do it too from now on.

This is what I do to people. I ruin good things for everyone else.

It’s like with “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” Because of me, people can’t hear that song anymore and not thing of giant, slow-motion cum blasts to the face.

“Leia.”

Okay… deed’s done. We can comment.

What the fuck is that? One, how does she know they’re a boy and a girl? Does she speak robot? And second – did she just have the names off-hand? What happened to losing the will to live? You had just enough will to give the kids names? This is fucking ridiculous.

Colin:

She sure had those names picked out fast. Think she was expecting only one baby and had both names picked out? No sonograms in this universe.

…and there’s the whale.

Colin:

You’re just closing him up like that? Fuck, how about letting him recover a bit first? Give the guy some morphine. His skin is still melting off, and you’re gonna put a mask on him?

“Anakin – I know there’s still…”

She went to Harvard, you know.

Bad time?

Colin:

She was perfectly healthy, just delivered two babies and then kicked the bucket. Good. Good. Once again, George putting too much stock into your mood’s effects on your vital signs. Aw, bad day. Guess I’ll DIE.

“Aww, bad day. Guess I’LL DIE.”

I want to make all of these the subtitle.

I’m still cracking up at that.

Now it’s your problem.

“Lord Vader, can you hear me?”

(“Good.”)

Colin:

“Can you hear me?” “Ah, a little fuzzy. I think I only have 2 bars in here.”

At what point does he have Jarvis installed?

“Yes, master.”

Why wouldn’t you give him some badass first line?

Colin:

This caused some confusion, because James Earl Jones isn’t credited in this film. People were asking if he really supplied the voice or not, particularly because it’s such shitty dialogue that I think we all hoped he DIDN’T do the voice. The answer on the DVD commentary is that any true Star Wars fan should know whether or not it was him. Search your feelings, guys. (The answer is ‘no.’ I have decided.)

I like how they say, “Any real Star Wars fan,” and not, “Any idiot who can differentiate between voices.”

I’d have liked it better if he said, “This is CNN.”