Advertisements

Fun with Franchises: Star Wars Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005), Part V — “Why Does Everything I Choke Leave Me?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Star Wars franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. The last of the Star Wars franchise.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - Title Card

We begin Part V on:

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1168

Mustafar.

Colin:

Here we are, at the end of Resident Evil 5. Or Mt. Doom. Let’s go with Mt. Doom. Which is where Albert Wesker “died.”

Volcanoes are just the earth nutting.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1169

But actually Mordor. You know it’s Mordor.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1170

Big fan of volcanoes.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1171

Colin:

Why are these things harvesting lava randomly? And couldn’t you do that from the…lava bank?

A lot of random things get harvested in this franchise.

Maybe this place is the Panama Canal of this universe.

Lotta dead space Chinamen in this place.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1172

Colin:

“He will…take care of you.” I never like hearing that. Unless you’re 12 or younger, you’re like, “Wait…you’re sending your Sith apprentice to make me a grilled cheese, or…?”

This is actually a line that can be used for Assassination Attempt or Sex.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1173

Is it me or is he really starting to make this look like the original trilogy?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1174

Organa is summoned to a “special” meeting of the senate, where I’m assuming Palpatine is just gonna pull out his dick and parade around like, “A HA HA, I can do whatever I want! NYAHH!”

Colin:

Why’d they call it ‘congress’ this time?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1175

There are so many elements… I can only choose one…

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1176

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1177

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1178

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1179

Do you expect me to buy that R2 doesn’t know anything because he makes him stay behind?

Because then you’re completely diminishing R2’s character.

So take your pick.

Colin:

This droid clearly knows the difference between good and evil, or else he wouldn’t be as concerned about what’s going on. But all the same, thanks for bitching out, R2.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1180

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1181

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1182

Nice. This is concise George. Close the door, you know what’s about to happen without needing to see it.

Colin:

Did George take my advice and not show the carnage?! Just closing the doors and windows is pretty sweet. You know what’s about to go down.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1183

Love this shot.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1184

Love the scale of this shot.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1185

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1186

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1187

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1188

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1189

Look at Yoda!

Colin:

Okay, I know I complained about a lot of the theatrical lightsaber shit and then only liked the Palpatine spin jump because it was Palpatine, but I genuinely dig the throwing of the lightsaber. It’s something pretty new, and it works for Yoda. The only way to make this cooler is to have him pull it out of the clone trooper with the Force as he keeps moving.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1190

What happened to all this badass stuff in the first two?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1191

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1192

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1193

Palpatine is gonna hunt down all the remaining Jedi.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1194

Colin:

Right, Padme’s all confused.

I like that chick behind her, who is peeking over that dude’s shoulder just to look down the barrel of the camera.

Also — does no one care that she’s so pregnant?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1195

Walking through a room of bodies. Always fun.

Also, whose car do you think Windu landed on?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1196

All’s well that ends well.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1197

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1198

Colin:

Aw, you had to cut back to Anakin in the room killing people. You just HAD to. You couldn’t leave it with the doors being closed, could you? Goddamn it, Lucas. Showing restraint and then doing something is just as bad as just doing it.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1199

He’s not really learning the Dark Side of the Force. He’s kinda just killing people.

Colin:

Sometimes I turn around and stare into an imaginary camera before I do something dramatic.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1200

Palpatine is making a Galactic Empire.

Colin:

So Palpatine is pretending to be Space Viktor Yushchenko. Basically.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1201

Hooray, fascism!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1202

“So this is how everybody dies. With thunderous applause.”

Colin:

I don’t get how people just go along with this. He says things, like how the Republic will be rearranged into an Empire, and they just clap, even though the only particulars they’re getting is that the name is gonna change. Plus, as senators, you’d think that any revision of the existing republic would mean problems for them. How is this working for Palpatine? He’s basically telling him that he’s decided to make all of their jobs obsolete, but TRUST HIM, cause it’s gonna be sweet.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1203

Groveling Chinaman.

Good job not being racist, George.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1204

Colin:

So what, you listen to part of the racist alien’s appeals before giving him the chop suey?

That entire sentence was perfect.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1205

He’s changed the code and is telling all remaining Jedi to stay away. Boy… this seems pointless.

Colin:

I’m amazed that this place isn’t SWARMING with clones. There were like ten out front, cause that’s apparently the force that was deemed fit to fight off all the Jedi who were being summoned back.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1206

But Obi-Wan must know the truth about who killed all those kids.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1207

Weird how the tapes only recorded the important bits. That’s a pretty big temple. And it’s only recording that specific image.

Also not how that scene happened. The recording is completely inaccurate.

Colin:

It’s kinda funny how in the recording, Anakin’s so obviously enjoying the fight. He’s fighting slowly on purpose, letting them get in their tries and giving it about15 percent of his effort. It’s like Gohan fighting the Cell Jrs.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1208

I like how he already kinda knows.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1209

That wall looks like a Balrog nutted on it.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1210

“I can’t watch anymore.”

It’s already over, though.

That’s like turning off the microwave with three seconds left. The only difference is, this ain’t gonna beep.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1211

I thought you couldn’t watch anymore.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1212

Obi-Wan has to go kill Anakin.

Colin:

Yoda doesn’t even bring up the possibility that Vader be redeemed. Wouldn’t you try to bring him back from the Dark Side? There have been plenty of Jedi who go Sith and come back, and even vice-versa. But whatever, just go kill him.

So in this universe, you can go black AND you can come back.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1213

Damn shame they’re not gonna be able to live in that nice place anymore.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1214

Obi-Wan tells Padme.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1215

She doesn’t believe it.

Colin:

“No! That’s not true! That’s IMPOSSIBLE!” This is just a lot of Natalie Portman saying shit can’t be true.

If any face was gonna be an appropriate match to that other face, it’s hers.

Like mother, like son.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1216

Jesus.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1217

He tells her about the kids.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1218

She doesn’t believe it.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1219

He tells her about Palpatine.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1220

Maybe we’re getting somewhere?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1221

Nope.

Colin:

I’m betting Mike is going to remind us that Lucas is an Oscar-nominated screenwriter.

This is why you have people.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1222

“Anakin is the father, isn’t he?”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1223

Somebody call Maury.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1224

I like the long stare before he leaves like, “… really? Him?”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1225

Colin:

The best part of this whole scene is that Obi-Wan’s ship has an automatic cockpit that works on a motion sensor. I want that.

Notice how they only put their hoods up when there’s killing to be done.

Also, he’s gonna let the kids live, though? How about thrusting them back into the fiery chasm from whence they came?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1226

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1227

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1228

Colin:

See, the scene with him slashing all of them, and especially the bit with Gunray should have been cut so they could have resumed here.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1229

Wouldn’t you hide the bodies in the lava?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1230

So what do you think about when you’re evil?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1231

♫ “And even though I know how very far apart we are…” ♫

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1232

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1233

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1234

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1235

“When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1236

Is that a Ho-Oh ship?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1237

Oh… now she’s going too.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1238

So, in a way… Obi-Wan killed Padme.

Colin:

Obi-Wan’s a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost. Or…not yet.

Also… watch this scene… 3PO has these crazy motions, and the only dialogue we hear out of him is an, “Oh dear!” It’s completely incongruous.

Colin:

Shut the fuck up, 3PO.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1239

Aren’t you not supposed to fly this far along?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1240

Obi-Wan be sneaking.

What happened to searching his feelings?

Also, Fifth Element.

And also — why is he even bothering to hide?

Because seriously… who the fuck is gonna find you down there? She’s pregnant and 3PO’s an idiot. This is a choice.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1241

Cool way to close a door, though.

You know, I think I may be a Jedi. I Force Quit shit on my Macbook all the time.

Also, can we mention what that ship is gonna feel like once it’s been sitting around molten lava for twenty minutes? I hope they have A/C.

Colin:

I want this Naboo ship. That’s a nice ship.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1242

Fifth Element.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1243

The sets are getting more 70s and 80s.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1244

“It is finished, then.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1245

He tells Anakin to have all the droid units shut down.

Colin:

Okay, so NOW he tells Anakin to shut off the droid units.

Why would you have them shut down? (Aside from plot reasons.) Wouldn’t it be useful to have both droids and clone troopers at your disposal?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1246

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1247

Colin:

What is it with this universe and entire systems being like a block wide? He said ‘Mustafar SYSTEM’ and yet everyone knows EXACTLY where to go on this enormous planet. That’s like if you told someone to go to our SOLAR SYSTEM, and they all knew to show up in Billings, Montana. 

I guess Padme just followed her volca-nose.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1248

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1249

Yuh huh… you’re pregnant.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1250

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1251

“I saw your ship,” he says…

WELL FUCKING REALLY…

Colin:

“I saw your ship.” Hah. God, but this man can write.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1252

“Obi-Wan told me terrible things.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1253

“What things?”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1254

“Butt stuff.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1255

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1257

Now… here’s a question… those flying bits of ash… aren’t they hot enough to burn through your skin?

Colin:

How are you becoming more powerful? What new powers do you have? You just killed a bunch of guys. What “new powers” does that give you?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1258

“He knows.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1259

“I won’t lose you the way I lost my mother.”

Uhh… just so we’re all on the same page… we’re aware of how completely different these situations are and how fucked up what he’s saying is, right?

Right.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1260

“Come away with me.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1261

“Help me raise our child.”

Here?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1262

“We don’t have to run away anymore.”

But you did before?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1263

“I have brought peace to the Republic.”

Oh… he doesn’t know.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1264

She be backin’ up.

Colin:

How does it feel, Padme? Aren’t you glad you mixed genes with something that disagrees with you?

I love how he’s like,” Nah, I can overthrow him. I can rule this shit.”

It’s pretty great how at the same time, you’re like, “I’ve brought peace to the galaxy,” and, “I can also create chaos and take over.”

Colin:

Hah. Obi-Wan was right – Anakin’s a douche. But I wouldn’t say, “Obi-Wan was right – you’ve changed!” Nothing about Anakin has changed…he’s always been a huge douche.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1265

“Don’t you do this to me, bitch.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1266

“I don’t know you anymore.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1267

And the winner for most attractive upset face goes to…

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1268

“You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”

Because you’re gonna die?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1269

“Because of Obi-Wan?”

You idiot.

Colin:

This is funny, how they just say some random dialogue that’s mostly a slightly changed version of what they’ve already said, and then Anakin makes it about Obi-Wan somehow without even making the slightest effort to link them. Lucas is being so obvious in his setup for the duel, just throwing out whatever lines that are necessary to get Anakin pissed at Obi-Wan, even though it makes no fucking sense at all. Padme could tell Anakin he was breaking her heart because his hair is too awful, and Anakin would still be like, “Obi-Wan’s a cunt!”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1270

“Because you killed KIDS, motherfucker!”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1271

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1272

HA! Look at that pose! You know what that pose is? That’s the, “That’s why I fucked yo bitch, you Sith motherfucker” pose.

Colin:

HAHAHAHAHA THIS IS TOO MUCH. Look at that pose! Why are his legs so far apart?! Why is he looking so dramatic on purpose? The only words that you can say with a pose like this are, “LET US FUCK!”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1273

WEST SIDE!!!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1274

First off, fuck your bitch,

And the Sith of course,

Jedi, when we ride,

Come equipped with Force.

You think that you a badass,

But I fucked Padme,

I fucked her on Tatooine,

And also on Friday.

– – – – –

Plus Palpy tryin’ to see me weak,

Minds I trick,

Him and his apprentice,

Y’all can suck my dick.

– – – – –

I keep on coming,

While you’re dealing in absolutes,

I fuck your bitch,

In hyperdive all the way to Naboo,

You know the route.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1275

I love that face. The — “NO! Not now!” This is like when Harvey Dent sees Batman walk in the warehouse with him. “WHY ARE YOU COMING FOR ME?!!”

Natalie Portman’s crying face makes me laugh just like that.

Natalie Portman’s crying face is the Harvey Dent scream of this franchise.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1276

This is the appropriate reaction.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1277

This is actually pretty great.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1278

Maybe do something other than stand there as he’s choking a bitch.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1279

That’s not even a real hand.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1280

This face works so much better out of context than it does in context.

That is to say, I read more into the facial expression via screenshot than I do in the movie.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1281

I like how he’s altered his one facial expression to this one in this movie.

Colin:

“Why does everything I choke leave me?”

I’m gonna be SHOCKED if that doesn’t end up the subtitle.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1282

Convenient.

Also, she’s really pregnant and that’s like, super bad for you.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1283

You’re not allowed to have that look when you could have stopped it at any time.

Colin:

Jeez, Obi-Wan, think maybe you wanna stop him from choking her instead of just TELLING him to do so?

You’d also think that Force choking would bring back bad memories for Vader. Like he wouldn’t do it as much as he ends up doing.

Tell that to David Carradine.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1284

“You turned her against me!”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1285

“You have done that yourself!”

Last I checked, nobody did that.

Last I checked, she was trying to help him.

Colin:

“CRAZY PERSON LINE!” “All your fault, bro.” x17

Oh, fuck… that’s a good subtitle too, though.

But not as good as the other one.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1286

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1287

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1288

“YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER FROM ME!”

LAST I CHECKED YOU WERE ABOUT TO DO THAT YOURSELF!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1289

“Your anger and your lust for power have already done that.”

Lust for power? Also, you basically just repeated the exact same two lines that just were said.

Remember what I said about George just doing repetition and variation all the time?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1290

“You have allowed this dark lord to twist your mind until now — until now you have become the very thing you have sworn to destroy.”

Dark lord?

And what twisting of his mind? I haven’t seen any twisting. You know why? Because it’s part of the story and not part of the plot. The story says Palpatine twisted Anakin’s mind, the plot didn’t show me shit about that happening. Last I saw, Anakin was worried like a little bitch and Anakin said he could help him and Anakin made a split second decision. Maybe it would have been more like twisting his mind if we got more scenes of that happening. But I guess instead we needed a fucking Tusken Raider raid, a battle on Kashyyyk, no real Anakin until movie two and a fucking pod race, right?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1291

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1292

You’ll be gone quicker than Qui-Gon,

You ain’t shit, motherfucker I’m Obi-Wan,

Skywalker,

You ain’t no Alec Guinness,

I’ll fuck you up just like I did the Phantom Menace,

Nigga, I chop ’em up.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1293

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1294

Great shot.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1295

“If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy.”

All of the Oscars.

Colin

“If you’re not with me, then you’re my enemy.” Seriously, get this writer ALL the Oscars. Just round em on up, Best Makeup and everything, and just give them all to George.

I love these articles.

So much.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1296

“Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”

Colin:

He said, dealing in absolutes.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1297

“I will do what I must.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1298

“You will try.”

Colin:

I can’t not laugh out loud at this line. “You will try!” That became a joke with us in college.

This is a joke with me now.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1299

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1300

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1301

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1302

OH SHIT… it’s on!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1303

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1304

Colin:

Admittedly, the initial power of this duel is good. The choreography is, of course, impressive. And they’re into it.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1305

This is cool. He just waltzes into the motherfucker’s office.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1306

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1307

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1308

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1309

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!

That was GREAT!

Colin:

That’s gotta be the sexiest thing we’ve ever see Yoda do in the prequels. Fuck yo guards.

What about… oh, wait… I have the only copy of that.

Colin:

You have to remember how quickly things have changed. Like, shit looks very different today than it did yesterday. These Imperial Guards were not around til Palpatine seized power completely, but their uniforms are pretty much set. I like to imagine Palpatine getting swatches of red cloth in his office to review before ordering the uniforms made and looking at them as senators came in to talk. And they’d be like, “What’s that, for the drapes? Looking to make a change around here?” “What’s that? Hm? Oh, yes. ‘Change.’”

I want to see that movie. That movie specifically, with that scene, but also that movie, of the person who seizes power and is overseeing a complete military coup of a place and turning it into a fascist state. And picking out all the different styles and designs and shit. Figuring out what the logo is gonna be. The salute. All of that.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1310

Colin:

Swivel chair!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1311

“I hear a new apprentice you have, Emperor.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1312

His eyes look like buttholes with eyes.

Colin:

Glad  you can’t see his nasty forehead. His eyes remind me of Angela’s Ashes, though. “Like two pissholes in the snow.” Also, his teeth weren’t that bad before all this. Isn’t it interesting how Force Lightning fucks up your face and also adds about 40 years of plaque buildup?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1313

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1314

Well this is unnecessary.

I’d have preferred if they just talked.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1315

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1316

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1317

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1318

But seriously, wouldn’t have been so much baller if they just talked to one another and didn’t fight?

Like Xavier and Magneto or something.

Or, if you must have a fight, for you nerd assholes who have to see everyone fight (Note: This is one reason I hated The Avengers), they can have a brief fight that leads to one of them peacing and you get the same thing.

The fight’s not that good anyway and takes attention away from the one we give a shit about.

Why don’t people have the balls to just have a straight up ten minute fight without cutting away from it?

What if Obi-Wan and Anakin’s fight was entirely done in one scene, without cuts to anything not related to the fight?

They could cut to lava and stuff, but ultimately, it’s the entire fight and nothing else that isn’t Mustafar? How amazing would that be?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1319

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1320

Anakin’s balling out with this lightsaber. A lot of behind the back shit going on… this is pretty great.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1321

Not great for screenshots, but the swordsmanship is admirable.

Colin:

Oh, shit. Lots of twisty lightsaber bits. That’s usually where someone gets something chopped.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1322

What is this, junior prom?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1323

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1324

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1325

What is this, junior prom?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1326

It’s funny comparing this fight to when they’re both old and infirm. There’s actually a reason for it.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1327

Ha ha… dead Chinaman.

Colin:

Hah. Dead racist aliens.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1328

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1329

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1330

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1331

Right?

Colin:

His hands! Yes!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1332

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1333

Well that’s a shocker.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1334

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1335

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1336

That’s actually what that would look like, though.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1337

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1338

Why you pulling some Matrix shit, George? It’s only this movie you do it. Why now?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1339

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1340

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HIS LITTLE ONESIE!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1341

Look at that little smirk, too.

Colin:

Goddamn it, Yoda. With the lightsaber? You couldn’t beat Dooku, you think this is gonna go any better?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1342

And that one.

Colin:

I can’t help but like Palpatine. Every other move, they cut back to him just laughing like a senile old person (which he kinda is).

Go back and read your scene about “Change” up there again and you’ll see exactly why it was so funny to me.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1343

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1344

Look at that batting stance.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1345

I don’t think you know baseball at all.

He looks like he has all the fighting experience of Dominic Greene.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1346

Metaphors are funny.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1347

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1348

Right, though?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1349

Driver’s license photo.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1350

Padme ain’t never gonna hear about it.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1351

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1352

Shhh….

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1353

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1354

Just behead him now and get it over with.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1355

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1356

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1357

Jesus, he just fucking dropkicked him.

Colin:

Damn, but that was a kick.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1358

Also, they’re fighting on top of a conference table.

Colin:

Wait, can we talk about how they’re fighting on a conference table? Did someone get John Mayer to play the fight riff?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1359

KICKING FIGHT!

Also, he totally just flipped like twice in mid air.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1360

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1361

This second battle is wholly unnecessary and is taking interest away from the first fight, which arguably is the reason these prequels exist. This encounter should only have been a conversation, like the Oracle and the Architect. I get why you want them to have a fight, but it shouldn’t happen. There’s no room for it, and you’re diluting the other battle.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1362

Plus Yoda does not look good during lightsaber battles. He has to flip around like a luchador and shit. Just let him be Yoda.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1363

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1364

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1365

I will admit, though… this is kind of a nice image.

Colin:

Okay, in spite of how I feel about this duel in general, them rising up into the center of the senate chamber looks really good.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1366

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1367

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1368

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1369

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1370

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1371

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1372

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1373

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1374

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1375

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1376

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1377

What the fuck are you guys doing?

What is this, a Prometheus show?

(I swear, those images are not doctored in any way. This actually happens.)

Colin:

What was this part where they’re just twirling and not hitting each other?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1378

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1379

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1380

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1381

A HA HA HA! They both went for it! It’s like trying to put two same sides of a magnet together.

Colin:

And then they both Force Push at the same time? Is this supposed to be because they’ve had the same training? That they each know each other’s moves? (Chris Tucker’s line at the end of that scene sounds like a Star Wars language.)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1382

I like that they just go back to Duel of Fates for a second here, because it’s clearly the best song the franchise has for epic fight scenes.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1383

There’s symbolism here, isn’t there?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1384

This looks so funny out of context.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1385

Unintentional tally ho!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1386

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1387

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1388

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1389

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1390

THIS IS SPARTA!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1391

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1392

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1393

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1394

WE DON’T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHERFUCKER BURN!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1395

EUUUAHHH!!

Colin:

This is great. He’s throwing their hover platforms at him. Shit.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1396

Nice shot.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1397

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1398

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1399

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1400

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1401

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1402

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1403

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1404

Colin:

Now that’s a tally ho.

I don’t know if it counts as a tally ho if you’re getting out of the way of something. I think that’s just avoiding death.

I think for it to be a true tally ho, it has to be a choice.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1405

Colin:

This is where the Force is both better and worse than Harry Potter magic. In Harry Potter, you don’t necessarily have to know WHERE in the room a thing is, cause you can just Accio it. But you can’t really pull that off during a duel while you’re using your wand full time; Jedi have two hands with which to do shit. Which begs the question, WHY HAVE THERE NEVER BEEN DUAL-WIELDING WIZARDS?

(Harry Potter TV Series idea: dual-wielding wizards.)

Oh no. Darth Maully Weasley.

Now I want everyone to picture Palpatine saying, “Get away from her, you bitch!”

Oh, my bad. “Not my daughter, you bitch!”

I tend to mix that line up with the original line she stole it from.

But now that I think about it, isn’t it also weird that we never find out Palpatine’s first name? Ever? It’s just Senator Palpatine. Or Chancellor Palpatine. Or Emperor Palpatine. What do you think his first name is? Richie? “Ay yo, I’m Richie Palpatine. Come sit on my lap, honey.”

I was hoping maybe we’d have that moment where he’s sitting in his office with a bottle of whiskey, looking into his old diplomas. “Doctor John Palpatine…”

Colin:

And now I’m imagining Palpatine played by Victor Mature, and it’s weird. But as for the first name, they all thought it was too much of a bitch move to put it in his backstory (how often do you get that sort of restraint from the Star Wars folks?), so it was written away by explaining that as a youth he rebelled against his father and renounced his given name. So he changed it and ‘Palpatine,’ which was his family name, just became his…only name.

I’m gonna pretend that he’s actually a Boy Named Sue.

I hope his given name was Toby.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1406

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1407

All I’m thinking right now is Ben Franklin.

… you guys remember Ben and Me?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1408

… is now a bad time?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1409

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1410

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1411

Premature ejaculation.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1412

Funny that he can do this now, but in 18 years… nothing.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1413

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1414

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1415

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1416

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1417

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1418

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1419

He’s flailing and laughing like the Joker.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1420

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1421

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1422

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1423

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1424

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1425

What the fuck was that? Random droid comes up, goes, “Oh… sorry guys,” and then leaves.

Colin:

Really, George, walk me through your reasoning here. You’ve got a fight that’s trying to be dramatic for way too long, and you break up the action with the entrance of a random droid that shows up and goes, “I don’t want no part of this!” before peacing? What possible purpose did that serve? Do you really have ADHD, so that it’s impossible for you to do just one thing at a time? Was this fight as boring for you as it was for us, to the point that you threw in that droid for kicks? Cause it’s a film that was so heavily edited, you know there were about 15 different occasions where that droid had to be voted up or down, and every time, George was like, “Oh god yes, we need that fucking droid in there.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1426

Why must you ruin everything good, George?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1427

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1428

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1429

Also… you’re both about to fall. There’s literally a good… I don’t know… six shots where the two have to balance themselves so as not to fall. And they’re both balancing at the same time. Wouldn’t you both go, “Well shit… this isn’t safe… let’s go somewhere more stable and fight”? What, do you think the other person is gonna fall before you do?

Colin:

Wouldn’t it be better if they like…adjourned to somewhere a little more conducive to a lightsaber battle?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1430

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1431

“Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1432

Colin:

Why is Yoda running like a bitch already? If you’re gonna have the fight, fucking HAVE the fight. You fought for like 20 seconds and fell to the ground. I’m sure that means game over in a duel, especially in a room full of hover platforms that could fly you back up. Especially since they decided the rules in the beginning, that THE FLOOR IS LAVA AND IF YOU TOUCH IT YOU DIE. But no matter, I guess the duel’s over. It’s not like the entire galaxy was at stake. Just go ahead and leave before you’ve exerted yourself or been injured. That’s a good plan.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1433

The floor actually is lava.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1434

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1435

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1436

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1437

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1438

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1439

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1440

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1441

This is like Face/Off.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1442

I have to.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1443

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1444

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1445

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1446

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1447

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1448

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1449

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1450

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1451

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1452

Tally ho!(-da)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1453

“Into exile, I must go.”

Really don’t think you needed to say that… but all right.

Colin:

Jimmy Smits randomly has a 50s speeder. I bet he goes to that diner all the time.

Jimmy Smits is the Kobayashi of this movie.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1454

“Failed, I have.”

It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. It takes a little green… thing… to… honestly, I got nothing. What the fuck are you, biologically?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1455

You’d think they’d have clone troopers watching the roads, and the borders, and the tolls, and the… everything.

For someone who’s creating an Empire, you’re really doing a poor job of rounding up the last of the Jedi.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1456

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1457

Well… you’re both about to die a fiery death, so why not continue fighting on the way down, right? Maybe one of you will die satisfied.

But at least you’ll be able to die doing what you love… inhaling molten rock.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1458

Lavafall?

That is the technical term here, right?

Colin:

A waterfall, George? That’s all this is. A waterfall. Real original.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1459

Also… he totally reused a waterfall in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Because remember, dear readers… he came up with that story too.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1460

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1461

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1462

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1463

Okay, now we’re getting ridiculous.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1464

Direct parallels to Shia with the monkeys.

He’s literally just reusing shit.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1465

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1466

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1467

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1468

Right… because that would happen.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1469

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1470

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1471

Too bad you didn’t pack any escape ropes.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1472

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1473

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1474

Plaus-i-bil-i-ty!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1475

Johnny Fuck You, is what that is. That fucking thing should throw lava in his face right now.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1476

“I’m glad to be fighting with you, Anakin, here at the end of all things.”

Colin:

From your point of view the Jedi are evil? Dude, like 2 hours ago, you told Windu that Palpatine was a Sith lord. You then lamented helping Palpatine kill him. You KNEW like an hour ago that you were becoming a bad guy, but said, “Fuck it, I gotta save Padme.” Then you throw her away because of some bullshit that you came up with yourself? How did we get back to the Jedi being evil? I missed how at ANY time, the Jedi became evil in all of this, even from Anakin’s perspective.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1477

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1478

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1479

Look at that cut Obi-Wan just took. Nice form.

Do you think Jedi have stances like baseball players?

I was always a fan of the Ken Griffey stance, myself.

Just as long as it’s not a Jeff Bagwell, really.

Or a Craig Counsell.

Is anyone following me right now?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1480

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1481

“Anakin, I have failed you.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1482

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1483

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1484

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1485

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1486

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1487

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1488

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1489

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1490

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1491

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1492

“It’s over, Anakin. I have the high ground.”

Really? That’s all it takes to end a fight?

Colin:

Yes, just like Darth Maul had on you. And Anakin’s on a fucking hover thing! Just hover over to the bank and get off. There’s no way this has to end here, unless you’re a complete fucking moro—oh, wait, nevermind. Yeah, yeah, it’s over.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1493

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1494

“You underestimate my power.”

Colin:

…is a great line to drop in everyday conversation.

Or… you could just fly that thing about twelve yards to the right and get off over there.

(DRINK!)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1495

“Don’t try it.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1496

He’s gonna try it.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1497

Oh man… we’re actually gonna get one…

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1498

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1499

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1500

I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1501

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1502

Oh damn… he really can’t feel his legs.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1503

Colin:

Of course they have to show him picking up the lightsaber, cause he gives it to Luke later.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1504

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1505

“You were the chosen one!”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1506

His liver is fucked.

Colin:

Throughout all of this, nobody ever asked him, “Hey, what do you think your mother would say about all this killing and shit you do?”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1507

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1508

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1509

“I hate you!”

Real mature.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1510

“You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.”

Vigorously.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1511

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1512

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1513

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1514

He can probably feel his legs now.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1515

Colin:

THIS BOY IS ON FIRE! I bet Vader’d be an Alicia Keys fan.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1516

Dude… ROLL!

That’s pretty much all you CAN do right now!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1517

Colin:

So…why don’t you kill him, Obi-Wan? The only thing I can think of is that he assumes Anakin will die there, anyway, and he can’t bring himself to actually kill the guy. Okay, so instead you’re just going to let him writhe in agony there until he dies? And even that doesn’t work out, cause they show up and save him! Thanks a fuck ton, asshole!

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1518

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1519

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1520

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1521

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1522

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1523

Right… because she’s that pregnant. Remember when she was running like, ten minutes ago?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1524

What’chu doin’ with yo hand, Obi-Wan?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1525

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1526

Colin:

“Is Anakin all right?” I think we need to have a chat about domestic violence, Padme.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1527

It’s not rape is she’s sedated.

So… she asks if Anakin is all right, he touches her face, she passes out, and he leaves?

All of the Oscars.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1528

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1529

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1530

All right.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1531

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1532

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1533

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1534

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1535

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1536

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1537

I mean…

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1538

“There he is!”

(I… I think they see him.)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1539

“He’s still alive.”

Wow… he’s like a concerned father. Maybe I’ve got this Palpatine guy all wrong.

Which is interesting, since this is the guy he’s training to kill him one day.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1540

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1541

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1542

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1543

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1544

This is actually kind of touching, in a perverted kind of way.

Also… Palpatine’s hand touching Anakin right now… not the best thing that could be happening. Creepiness aside (we know how disgusting those hands are), he’s opening Anakin up to all sorts of infections, aside from the fact that these are major third degree burns… maybe touching the affected area isn’t the best way to go for his sake.

Colin:

Don’t TOUCH him, you idiot! That’s gonna hurt, and your nasty ass hands are probably germtown.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1545

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1546

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1547

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1548

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1549

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1550

2001?

Colin:

Okay, here we are on Polis Massa and is that Daft Punk?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1551

She was definitely not that pregnant ten minutes ago.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1552

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1553

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1554

“Call Bonasera… we need him now.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1555

YOU’RE LEAVING HIM UNCOVERED IN THE RAIN?!!!! WHO TAUGHT YOU MEDICAL CARE?!!

Colin:

Is this not like the high courtyard in Gondor? DUDE, you’re letting him get rained on? That’s gotta be agony! Not to mention that rain on Coruscant is probably acidic.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1556

You know… I really wouldn’t want a thing with no face delivering my baby.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1557

I would want that thing serving me drinks, though.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1558

It says she’s lost the will to live. But it also says there are twins in there.

Colin:

The robot also sounds like something out of WALL-E. Like EVE’s voice.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1559

I know, Yoda. The writing was that bad.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1560

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1561

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1562

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1563

“We can rebuild him… we have the technology…”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1564

Seriously… Natalie Portman’s sad face is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

Colin:

Her face is pretty funny here.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1565

(Comments will be reserved until the deed is done.)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1566

“Luke…”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1567

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1568

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1569

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1570

So that thing (it looks like Rosie from The Jetsons) is gonna stick those things in her… sounds like a pretty good time.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1571

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1572

I’m sorry… I can’t not burst out laughing every time I see that face.

And now you’re all gonna do it too from now on.

This is what I do to people. I ruin good things for everyone else.

It’s like with “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” Because of me, people can’t hear that song anymore and not thing of giant, slow-motion cum blasts to the face.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1573

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1574

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1575

“Leia.”

Okay… deed’s done. We can comment.

What the fuck is that? One, how does she know they’re a boy and a girl? Does she speak robot? And second – did she just have the names off-hand? What happened to losing the will to live? You had just enough will to give the kids names? This is fucking ridiculous.

Colin:

She sure had those names picked out fast. Think she was expecting only one baby and had both names picked out? No sonograms in this universe.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1576

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1577

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1578

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1579

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1580

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1581

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1582

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1583

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1584

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1585

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1586

…and there’s the whale.

Colin:

You’re just closing him up like that? Fuck, how about letting him recover a bit first? Give the guy some morphine. His skin is still melting off, and you’re gonna put a mask on him?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1587

“Anakin – I know there’s still…”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1588

She went to Harvard, you know.

Bad time?

Colin:

She was perfectly healthy, just delivered two babies and then kicked the bucket. Good. Good. Once again, George putting too much stock into your mood’s effects on your vital signs. Aw, bad day. Guess I’ll DIE.

“Aww, bad day. Guess I’LL DIE.”

I want to make all of these the subtitle.

I’m still cracking up at that.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1589

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1590

Now it’s your problem.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1591

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1592

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1593

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1594

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1595

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1596

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1597

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1598

“Lord Vader, can you hear me?”

(“Good.”)

Colin:

“Can you hear me?” “Ah, a little fuzzy. I think I only have 2 bars in here.”

At what point does he have Jarvis installed?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1599

“Yes, master.”

Why wouldn’t you give him some badass first line?

Colin:

This caused some confusion, because James Earl Jones isn’t credited in this film. People were asking if he really supplied the voice or not, particularly because it’s such shitty dialogue that I think we all hoped he DIDN’T do the voice. The answer on the DVD commentary is that any true Star Wars fan should know whether or not it was him. Search your feelings, guys. (The answer is ‘no.’ I have decided.)

I like how they say, “Any real Star Wars fan,” and not, “Any idiot who can differentiate between voices.”

I’d have liked it better if he said, “This is CNN.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1600

“Where is Padme?”

I can’t believe they’re about to make James Earl Jones do this.

“Is she safe? Is she all right?”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1601

“It seems, in your anger, you killed her.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1602

“I – I couldn’t have.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1603

“She was alive! I felt it!”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1604

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1605

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1606

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1607

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1608

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1609

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1610

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1611

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1612

“NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Colin:

(Yes!)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1613

And the audio… because we have to:

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1614

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1615

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1616

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1617

Nice place.

Colin:

Damn, Naboo, you lookin’ fine.

Isn’t that Alderaan?

Colin:

This is Naboo. They drop off the body. Then it’s off to Alderaan. You can tell it’s Naboo here cause of the waterfalls and green domed roofs. 

I know. I just didn’t want to be the person to confirm what’s actually happening in this shot.

They’re DROPPING OFF A FUCKING BODY!

Imagine the person that has to fly with the body. How creepy must that be for them?

(Unless they’re Paul Giamatti.)

(I’ll spare you the link to that scene.)

(Hopefully you know which scene I’m talking about.)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1618

Now they’re divvying up the kids.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1619

Jimmy Smits – aka Senator Bail ORGANA – is gonna take Leia.

(“Hey, Bail… it’s your cousin Marvin…”)

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1620

They’re sending Luke to Tattooine.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1621

Obi-Wan will watch over him.

Which… he must be sitting on that planet, getting drunk for the next 18 years. What else is there to do there?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1622

“Until the time is right, disappear, we will.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1623

“In your solitude on Tattooine, training I have for you. An old friend has learned the path to immortality.”

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1624

Apparently Qui-Gon has learned how to ghost Jedi. So Yoda’s gonna teach him how to talk to him.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1625

So now he’s got a drinking buddy.

Colin:

This dialogue about communing with Qui Gon…I have nothing for it.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1626

And they’re giving the droids to Wedge. Or… I guess, Wedge’s father. Squeeze.

Oh, right… they’re not related. I forget these things.

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

And he tells him to have 3PO’s mind wiped.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1627

“What?!”

Yeah, what? That seems totally arbitrary, as if Lucas knows he has to find an out and is turning it into a punchline.

Seriously, what the fuck, George? You found a loophole and went, “Oh, well, we’ll just fix it that way.”

No. Fuck you! I want you to at least work at SOMETHING! You sure as shit didn’t work on this plot.

And if you did, you don’t deserve to be able to create shit. Half of this story was literally written for you, and somehow you couldn’t make the other half not suck.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1628

Even R2’s laughing about it. What the fuck?

Colin:

Hah. R2 laughs at 3PO. Getting his memory erased and shit.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1629

“Oh no!”

Seriously… this is so stupid.

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1630

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1631

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1632

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1633

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1634

“We gather here today, to mourn the loss of some great Naboobies…”

Colin:

Why…does she still look pregnant? Oh, turns out Yoda had them make her look pregnant again (Bonasera did some good work) so that nobody would ask what happened to the kids.

Where did all those people come from?

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - 1635