Fun with Franchises: The Lord of the Rings — The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), Part IV — “What About a Dwarf’s Salad?”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Part IV.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Lord of the Rings franchise, and today is the fourth part of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring:
We begin Part V in the mines of Moria:
CGI as fuck, but I don’t care. This is a great location.
Jesus, that looks like a fucking Halloween mask. He looks like he doesn’t have eyes!
These are the remnants of the city of Dwarrowdelf.
Colin:
That’s not a city. Those are pillars. It’s empty. I’m missing how this can be a city with no buildings.
My favorite is that for all of these places, we have looks of wonderment (I’m saving the screenshots, but just imagine all of the characters looking around and thinking, “Wow…”)
This reminds me of that scene in From Russia with Love when they’re in that place with the pillars.
From Moria With Love.
Colin:
The reservoir built by the emperor Constantine. But the other place in that movie with columns was the Hagia Sophia. Gorgeous. But not half as gorgeous as Daniela Bianchi in that blue and white striped dress with the belt. You know what? I don’t have to describe it, because you can see it for yourself. And that’s why Moria isn’t as good as Istanbul.
And That’s Why Moria Isn’t as Good as Istanbul.
There’s a wide shot of looks of wonderment.
They all dead.
Run, Gimli, Run!
Don’t pull your Gloin!
Colin:
I just got back from the gym (I go to the Saffron Gym) and I pulled my gloin.
Colin:
What a horrible sound Gimli’s making. I think the last time I heard a sound like that was walking by a trailer park the day Dale Earnhardt died.
What about that day I spilled a quarter bottle of whiskey?
Colin:
Yeah, but that mattered.
Where’s that light coming from?
Perfect set piece for an action scene, wouldn’t you say?
Colin:
Every time there’s a compound word ending in ‘piece,’ I think of the word ‘cockpiece’ and how disturbing it is.
I think this is one of the guys who had the Deathly Hallows.
Colin:
He means HPV.
What did I say?
“Here lies Balin.”
And some other shit. But who cares. Balin is dead.
It’s funny how Gimli just weeps during all of these scenes and it’s totally cool. Nothing to do with the actor or anything – most of the times I’d think to call someone out for crying like a bitch… here I really only had that thought when it got excessive, and immediately that thought was followed by, “But he does have a reason,” as well as, “Shit… I can’t believe I didn’t have this thought sooner.”
The Crypt Keeper.
Literally.
Colin:
That book’s been cleaved.
Is it always unnaturally funny to everyone else when there are clearly children standing in for the characters?
“Slowly, he caressed her warm, smooth, thighs, as he made his way up to her opening…”
Oh, I’m sorry, where were we?
Colin:
Fifty Shades of Gandalf the Grey.
“They’ve taken the bridge, and the second hall. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. We cannot get out. Shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out.”
Colin:
No matter what war you’re talking about, you can say that someone “took a bridge” and it’s immediately dire. That’s like the first no-no of wars. Don’t let your enemy take bridges.
You think it would be difficult to get a moat?
Not like, in a war, just… for the property.
Colin:
You know, I’ve actually looked into that before, and most states aren’t cool with it for zoning reasons.
Between the two of us, we have everything covered. I’m always amused that you’ve looked into getting shit like this, and you’re always amused that I have go-to answers or courses of action for random situations.
“They are coming.”
I want those to be my last words. Forget everything else. I want my last words to be, “They are coming.”
Or rather – those will be the last words I communicate to anyone else except those who hear my exact last words, which are TBD.
Colin:
This is some creepy shit. They’re really good at making you feel nervous about shit. They are coming. This scene has always stuck with me – and I don’t mean the battle that’s about to happen, I mean the scene of Gandalf reading the account. It’s just so fucked up to me that they’re standing there in the middle of all these corpses, reading the last words that one of them ever wrote. And you have to imagine him writing that shit as goblins are banging on the door and they know they’re about to bite it.
And your last words should be something as badass as what Richard Harris said.
For those who want to know what Richard Harris’s last words were, go read our Harry Potter articles.
Fuck yeah, promotion!
Colin:
Throw the dwarf down the well, so my country can be free!
I was so not ready for that.
Fool of a Took.
Colin:
It’s weird how “Took” rhymes with “book,” if you were to say it in a Liverpudlian accent. Every time someone says “Took,” I think back to A Hard Day’s Night, where Paul’s grandfather is berating Ringo for reading, and saying “book” the way most of his generation said “Jew.”
That was a Rube Goldberg machine of bad luck.
Colin:
I once got with a girl whose whole pelvic area could be described that way.
The dreaded Pube Goldberg.
He’s gonna use his ring hand.
This is the official “I understand how badly I fucked up” face.
This is the exact reaction you have when you’re at a friend’s house and their parents start yelling at them.
Oh shit… he closed the book.
“Fool of a Took!”
“Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!”
This is pretty great, considering like five minutes ago he was talking about how Frodo shouldn’t be so eager to wish somebody dead.
“The fuck you think this is…”
But what’s that?
Colin:
Drums, bitches!
I love that orcs are basically Native Americans.
Colin:
It was dead silent until now, and then when something makes a noise, the goblins notice immediately and come to kill stuff? I don’t get it, do they just stay perfectly still for years, waiting to go kill stuff? Do they do this for every sound they hear? A mouse could have knocked that thing down there. Maybe it was a stupid goblin who was bored and wandering around. It strikes me as odd that this entire host of goblins hears something and immediately drops everything to go kill it. Don’t you have something better to do?
“Orcs.”
Thank you, Legolas.
I like how all of his dialogue is basically telling us exactly who or what is coming.
Pay attention to that throughout the franchise. Remember when they got here? What did he say? “Goblins.”
That’s all Orlando Bloom does in this franchise. That and shoot shit with his arrow.
Colin:
I wish he’d incorporate some of what he did in Black Hawk Down.
“Motherfucker…”
Colin:
And they’re already within range of the door! How did they not hear Gimli moaning like a stuck pig?
Aragorn just dropped his torch and ran for it. What if there was kerosene on that floor? You’d all be fucked.
Colin:
I think that goes for most scenarios.
“They have a cave troll.”
I don’t know why, but this was always the funniest lines of the franchise to me. In terms of delivery and in terms of – “Do you not?”
I’ll skip a bunch of shots here for expedience’s sake, but there are a couple of funny things that happen here – first, they randomly cut to Legolas having two giant axes and tossing them to Aragorn and Boromir to barricade the door. And it’s just funny to me that they just cut to him out of nowhere and he just has them in his hand. And the other thing – Gandalf pulls out his sword and goes, “Yahhh!” like some sort of battle cry. Which is hilarious and also disgusting. Disgusting that it’s the sort of thing movies do that I fucking loathe. But, that aside, so I don’t have to go on another rant – it’s pretty funny to think of Gandalf yelling like Howard Dean.
Oh, Gimli’s ready to throw down. They killed his cousin.
He’s standing on him.
Colin:
That’s pretty cool. Gimli’s been waitin’ for this shit all his motherfuckin’ life.
Christmas card.
I always like these moments, where you know shit is gonna start and everyone is just ready.
Take a sip of your drink every time this exact shot (from the left or the right) happens.
I also love how everyone in this franchise is a professional archer.
Colin:
It is pretty much the Middle Ages. I think that’s about all they had to do back then. You’d be a boss at archery cause what else is there to do? There was no Call of Duty OR HBO.
And here we go!
Great shot.
Mostly it’s just battle shots for the next minute or so – not gonna waste much space unless they’re good.
Like Sam shivving this Orc in the kidneys.
Colin:
I refuse to believe that the hobbits aren’t all murdered instantly.
Or this guy.
And then the reverse shot of this guy:
Colin:
Ew, that thing spurted black blood. That’s the wrong color for blood.
Actually, in Hollywood terms, that is the right color for blood. Because if your blood isn’t red, you can basically just do whatever the fuck you want, gore-wise, and they won’t really up the rating for it.
Colin:
The MPAA…aren’t very cool.
“I’m here for the gang bang.”
Or maybe… “This isn’t where I parked my car.”
Or maybe… “This isn’t the second floor girl’s bathroom.”
Seriously, though… they do this a lot.
Colin:
Just trolling.
Well now you just made Mongo angry.
Colin:
Pretty sure this is the Alan Ford of trolls.
This is pretty good. Gimli just launches his axe and it NAILS the cave troll in the shoulder. Does nothing to slow him down, but it’s awesome.
Colin:
He just threw a fucking battle axe into that thing’s chest! Holy fuck!
This is all a big fuck you to Balin.
Take two sips.
To be fair, he’s also really smooth with a sword, too.
That double arrow thing is nice though.
I remember buying the Two Towers PS2 game when it came out and playing through this sequence. It was fun. Mostly because the troll had those same movements all video game bad guys have (going all the way back to Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, and even Donkey Kong) – they have their one rampage move where they come at you, strike three times and try to hit you, then they step back and regroup, and there’s that one moment in between where they take one step forward and aren’t guarding their midsection where you can hit them there, and then when you hit them there, they reach down to block, and you have an opportunity to hit them in the head, and then after that, they go back to square one and lunge at you again.
Fun game.
Colin:
The great thing about Mike — he can bring just about anything back to Mike Tyson’s Punch Out or Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker. The world boils down to two 80s video games about celebrities named Mike.
You say that like I’m wrong.
How often does he do this?
Five points for Gryffindor.
Colin:
Is that a thing? Can you shoot two arrows at once like it ain’t shit? Dunno how you’d hold them. I wanna do archery again. We did that in high school and I was into it.
He also tally ho’s off his head.
Colin:
It’s kinda sad, but when it comes to who’s the best fighter in the fellowship – like who’d I’d want protecting me – I’d have to choose Legolas. Aragorn’s badass, but Legolas and Gimli are the only ones who never really get messed up at all, and Gimli’s short and has no ranged weapons, unless he’s throwing his axe.
Also, Legolas uses arrows like crazy – how is he restocking? Does he make new ones while people are eating lunch?
What up, home skillet? You just got knocked the FUCK OUT!
Wow… I thought that was gonna turn into those dragon moments of – it’s not behind you anymore so obviously it’s gonna be in front of you. Or one of those werewolf moments of, “It goes to one side, you go to the other, you swap, and then you go to continue the cycle and it’s ready for you.” But no. This is neither. This is Frodo not moving at all, thinking it went away. Why the fuck would you do that? Also – pretty fucked up that Merry and Pippin watched this happen and did nothing about it.
Colin:
You just got outsmarted by a mouth-breather. Meanwhile, the other hobbits are on the other side of the action with a clear vantage point on where the troll is – a heads up would have been nice, assholes.
I also love how, until this moment in time, all the hobbits called Aragorn “Strider,” but now that Frodo’s about to get killed, he shouts, “Aragorn!”
So many “tally ho!”’s into frame in this franchise.
Gotta love a dude who has no qualms or hesitation about fighting a fully-grown mountain cave troll.
I feel like at least 5% of the end goal of these articles is to make sure everyone gets to see shots like this.
Colin:
Aragorn puts power into this spear, almost like Liam Neeson putting his lightsaber through the blast doors. It’s weird, but these are parallels I see.
Also, Merry and Pippin throw rocks at it… which is apparently just what you do with a troll.
I love how this is a troll that took two arrows in the head and an axe to the shoulder and he’s like, “No, no, not the rocks! AHH THEY’RE IN MY EYES!”
Bitch, you just got stabbed.
Colin:
Elijah Wood has a great “stabbed” face. It’s the second time this film we’ve gotten to see it, and we get to see it one more time when Shelob gets him. I’d watch a whole hour of this guy getting stabbed.
Elijah Wood Has a Great “Stabbed” Face
I love that they cut to reaction shots of EVERYONE, every time.
Colin:
Merry’s shocked. Pippin’s like, “Eh.”
“That’s why I fucked yo bitch.”
“WEST SIDE!”
Good job, Merry and Pippin. That’ll work. Remember how you stood there TWICE as Frodo almost got killed by a troll?
Remember the EXACT conversation we had in Philosopher’s Stone?
Because what else can you do when midgets jump on a troll’s back?
How fucking long is he dying for?
Or maybe more like this?
Dude, you have bad luck with shoulders.
It’s funny how now they all team up on him like when Andre the Giant would enter a Royal Rumble.
Colin:
Did he just shoot him in the throat?
Troll dead.
Frodo –
Not dead.
For those scoring at home.
“I think there’s more to this hobbit than meets the eye.”
Look… some things just have to be done. There was nothing we could do about it.
Colin:
TRANSFORMERS MITHRIL IN DISGUISE
Secret transvestite.
I love how everyone in this franchise has to say exactly what it is the person has, or who it is that’s coming, or where they are – it’s incredible how much exposition is actually here and how much we actually give it a pass most of the time.
Oh, but we ain’t done yet.
Don’t you know how these things work? We ain’t even had the boss fight yet.
To the Bridge of Khazad-dum.
Weird how they just left there and all of a sudden all these people are there.
Colin:
What’s weird is, we saw the beam of light falling onto the tomb from the back of the room, not the wall with the door. Even if that was done correctly (which it isn’t) didn’t Balin die fighting the goblins? They made up a nice tomb for him while still fighting off the bad guys? And there’s a hole in the wall for that light to come in, which — we see here that goblins can climb up and down rock like spiders, so you just fucked yourself for barricading yourself in that room.
Second, are we to believe someone went way up to the top of this rock cavern and knocked a hole in the mountain so the light would come down right there? And then they knocked this hole in the wall? Depending on the length of the top hole, the light wouldn’t even hit there all day. At any rate, this all seems like it would have taken a lot of planning. Did they have his tomb set up well before the goblins showed up?
How are they popping up through the floors like that?
Colin:
Meanwhile, I’m shitting everywhere as motherfuckers pop out of the ground.
The CG is so obvious. I say this every time. It’s so obvious.
Well that’s creepy.
As someone who lives in an apartment, that’s creepy.
Colin:
And the ceiling.
And a bucket.
Also, I’m curious… are you shitting everywhere because they’re coming out of the ground and the ceiling, or are you shitting everywhere (because they’re coming out of the ground), and the ceiling?
Colin:
Yes.
Colin:
I love it. Gimli’s still ready to go. Because it is a good day to die.
Y’all are surrounded.
Colin:
Hm, didn’t do the overhead shot. It’s from an angle.
Yeah, the angle from which they are FUCKED.
These two shots back to back are glorious.
These Goblins really must not have much to do every day. This is like when an ambulance shows up on your block and the entire street congregates to see what’s going on.
Clap on, clap off.
If you guys ever wanted to know what squalay meant — here you go.
My favorite is that during this, Gimli laughs like, “Yeah… we are intimidating.” Which is funny, since – at what point would you not think that if a thousand people were surrounding you suddenly scattered, that something bigger and much more dangerous is coming?
Gandalf’s expression wins this scene.
His looks make me think he has some sort of history with this thing.
Did he fight it before? Is that what this is? Is this like, “I don’t want to go there, because this thing is there,” and then we find out it’s his brother or something? I don’t get it.
Colin:
You know it’s a Balrog. Next time, spare us the theatrics and just tell us to fucking run.
He looks like Ginny Weasley.
Colin:
Oh…no. Why did you have to remind me of her existence?
Also, Gandalf says, “This foe is beyond any of you.” Notice the phrasing of that statement.
“SNATCH AND RUN, Y’ALL!”
Seriously, though. Look how obvious.
This is actually kind of a Leeroy Jenkins moment, though.
Nice opportunity to cop a feel, Legolas.
Gandalf tells Aragorn to “lead them on.” I just like those gloves he’s wearing. That’s why this is here.
I also love that he tells him to lead them on as if he’s turning back to fight. Basically what happens is that Aragorn is going ahead of formation, and Gandalf is gonna cover their six. Naturally we needed a moment for them to tell us this.
Colin:
Hobo gloves for the win.
That’s the bridge? That looks like where the Balrog does pull ups.
Also, notice how Legolas is too good for stairs.
Colin:
Did you see one of them cut a corner by jumping part of that flight of stairs? Who the fuck takes that risk on THESE steps? Holy shit, man. I would take this one step every ten seconds.
I thought the bridge was near, motherfucker.
This motherfucker loves to tally ho.
Omar’s comin’.
Naturally we throw the old man second, in case no one else can make it.
They shootin’.
Colin:
Oh, they shootin’!
One of the most badass moments in the franchise, and I think we all recognize this.
He looks like he’s pulling his children out of a fire.
Oh, I’m sorry, that was one of the most badass moments in the franchise. Because he wasn’t even looking that time. He just turned and fired. The other one, he had a moment to gauge.
Colin:
Where do goblins get arrows? How many trees grow down here?
“Nobody tosses a dwarf.”
What about a dwarf’s salad?
Colin:
Would not want to be grabbed by the beard. Or any hair, for that matter.
Naturally Aragorn and Frodo are left.
Here’s a question – how does the Balrog catch up to them? What kind of shortcuts does that thing know about?
Colin:
I don’t know why a stone would fall from above. Is there seismic activity going on? Can’t see how their running around below would cause a huge rock to fall from the ceiling. But whatever.
And that’s why Moria isn’t as good as Istanbul.
Yeah… if that thing tilts the way it’s leaning, ya’ll are fucked. And I also expect that the ring doesn’t get found for a long ass time either. So it’s actually not that bad a scenario, most things considered.
Hey… hey you guys… you know what this is?
Also, how this doesn’t immediately kill them all is beyond me.
That should have taken out both of those pillars.
And I like how they keep moving like it’s nothing. Half of Moria’s infrastructure is crumbling behind them. “Oh, well, keep moving, keep moving.”
Also, way to fuck up things for everyone else who’s gonna come down here in the future.
Colin:
Well, that’s all fine…but you just fucked up the steps for anyone else.
This place also always reminded me of a Mako reactor.
“This way, everybody! Ignore that ominous fire behind us. They were just shooting Harry Potter here last night.”
Jesus, this looks like Half-Blood Prince.
“Oh, it’s the Balrog, bitch, and I got a BITCH with me!”
“You ready?”
Smaug test.
I like how Gandalf just turns and runs like he’s not even gonna dignify that with a response.
(That Balrog’s gonna dignify him in the ass if he’s not careful.)
This is total videogame. You run and it moves at the exact same speed all the time.
This shot just made me go “Whoa.” Because I’m sure we’ve all seen this scene a bunch of times. We all remember it, most of those shots up there we can recall up in our heads. But never in our memories of this scene do we remember this angle. This is the only time we see the bridge from this angle and get this perspective of the space.
So it stood out to me.
Also, can we talk about what a weak ass bridge that is, considering all the other heavy duty columns they built in this place?
A bridge that weak shouldn’t have a name.
Colin:
I’m sorry, but that’s not a bridge. You couldn’t even get a Radio Flyer across that bridge, let alone a cart of any sort. How do you get supplies in and out? I suppose you grow all the food you need in that mountain, with no soil, no sun, no grass for grazing and no easily accessible pools full of fish? Oh, maybe not. Maybe you’d need to get all your food from outside, and bring it in to accommodate the hundreds, if not thousands of dwarves who love to eat and drink. Am I to believe you have chumps walking across this bridge carrying supplies in 24/7? The only other option seems to be to get it all in from the other side, which is only accessible at night when the moon is out, and there’s the chance you get fucking eaten by a tentacle rape kraken.
Remember how I keep bitching about how awfully-CGI’d these shots look?
I’m not wrong, people.
That was a pretty easy bridge to cross.
Only…
Gandalf ain’t crossing.
Why not? You really think that thing is gonna make it all the way across that bridge?
“You cannot pass!”
Colin:
I say that shit all the time. Just anyway. On the train, on the street, at the job. You shall not pass.
Well no shit. Look at the size of it and the size of the bridge. It really cannot pass.
Flame on.
Colin:
He flexes fire, motherfucker.
This thing is like all movie creatures. Has to yell.
Colin:
Why is Gandalf telling the Balrog he wields a secret fire, the Flame of Anor? This guy is totally a fire type! You don’t bring your Charizard out to beat Blaine (Ash, you dumb fuck, that’s not how things work)! You should tell him you wield a secret Blastoise or something. That’d get him riled.
That motherfucker’s walkin’ on the bridge.
Colin:
I need a fire whip.
For what?
Colin:
Undesirables.
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
Colin:
I have no idea how he got his staff back after being imprisoned by Saruman and then escaping without it, but here it goes.
See? You didn’t even need Gandalf for that. He’d have fallen on his own.
Colin:
I think it’d have made it across the bridge. But I still think they could have outrun it. Not sure it was going outside, or if it fits through the door, or whatever. But I’m pretty sure the bridge collapsed because of whatever Gandalf just did with the Hobknoblin. Set a proximity mine or something. I wanna play GoldenEye 64.
Oh, but now you don’t run, right?
Clever girl.
Also, he looks like he’s getting tentacle raped by fire.
Why the fuck are you holding him back, Boromir? The thing is gone, and this half of the bridge is still pretty stable. Plus he weighs like, eight pounds. Let him fucking go. Or at least let Sam go. He’s not as important.
“Fly, you fools.”
Colin:
He had a pretty good rock crack to hold onto, but I guess he felt like letting go. Gotta get his Tom Petty on.
“NNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
I’ll spare you the links this time.
Because here it comes…
Colin:
That must be frustrating. You’re an adult, but someone picks you up and carries you away as you’re trying to have a tantrum.
Colin:
Aragorn gets his G moment. He’s just looking across the chasm as the goblins fire dozens of arrows at him. The ones that don’t hit him, whatever. The one that was going for his head, he ducks like it ain’t shit. Respect.
This.
Colin:
Here comes Enya. Here come the waterworks. Admittedly, I was really bummed when I saw this for the first time, at 10 years old.
You saw this at 12 years old.
You saw The Matrix at 10 years old.
Colin:
Oh yeah, I saw both this and The Matrix opening week. So I’d have turned 12 the week before for this, and I’d have been almost 9 and a half for that. But this is also just how I view children. Anywhere between 8 and 13…you’re 10.
Man, seven years ago was a long time.
Colin:
John Rhys-Davies needs to have his sinuses and windpipe cleared or something.
Everybody be sad and shit.
This is Legolas in a nutshell, emotionally.
“Legolas, get them up.”
Colin:
Tough love from Aragorn. He knows your best pal just cashed in his chips, but you gotta walk.
“Give them a moment, for pity’s sake!”
This looks like him going, “What did you say to me, motherfucker?”
The score is what makes this work as well as it does.
Also – whenever you watch these movies, note the amount of reaction shots that happen throughout them.
Maybe someone could do a tally. Shit, maybe I’ll do a tally the next time I watch. I’ll take screenshots and tally, and write down just how many reaction shots are in these movies.
Fuck. This shot looks nice.
Lothlorien.
Gimli’s worried about an elf witch.
AKA, “We can’t stop here, this is Elf country.”
And right on cue, she starts speaking that Hassa Hassa to him.
Colin:
She’s doing that with Sprint.
“That bitch won’t get me. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox.”
“You see… what had happened was…”
Colin:
Well, that makes you look like an asshole, doesn’t it, Gimli?
Does this make it a Mongolian Standoff?
“The dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark.”
Reaction shots.
That’s dangerous as shit, too. A bow and arrow at point blank range.
Colin:
I’ve found that whenever I pause this movie, Elijah Wood is making a really weird face in the context of what’s going on, and Sean Astin is making a perfectly normal face in the context of anything.
They have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. They cannot go back.
Colin:
When someone says, “you cannot go back,” you’re always like, “Uh…is there rape coming?”
This part of the movie was always pretty boring, I’ll admit.
It’s like Endor.
Colin:
So here’s what the Ewok town should have looked like. I take that back; all Ewoks should be burned or crucified or something. But this looks better than their town, anyway.
Eiwa.
Eiwa come and me want go home.
But actually, though.
This must have looked so much better 12 years ago.
Why does the floor look like it was designed by Dexter?
They’re just toplighting the shit out of it.
Blues and fluorescents, and I don’t even know shit about lighting.
That elf looks like Cate Blanchett.
And we all silently thanked the universe that it wasn’t Gwyneth.
Colin:
I see Blanchett, and I hear her from The Life Aquatic.
“Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him.”
“He has fallen into shadow.”
What are you, a Pre-cog?
Think you used enough lights there, Butch?
(Actually, this is a pretty good effect. Though it looks like she has glitter in her eye. Like Michael Jackson sparkled all over her face.)
But she tells them the quest hangs upon the edge of a knife, and if they stray but a little, they’re fucked.
“Why did you look at me when you said that?”
“We both know why.”
It’s like she has Asberger’s. She’s just saying shit and not looking anyone in the eye when she talks to them.
Hey… Galadriel… what’s with the cap?
And then she starts telekin-municating (that’s now a word) with Frodo. Which is creepy as all hell. It’s like she’s trying to unsettle him.
“Welcome, Frodo of the Shire, one who has seen the Eye.”
I’d stab her. I really would. That’s not okay.
Colin:
Oh god, someone needs to stab this bitch.
No… not those eyes, T.J.
Boromir actually has a really nice, human moment here. Which helps later on when he gets spoiler alerted. He speaks of hope, and for the future, and all that. Which basically tells you he’s gonna be dead.
Colin:
Gondor’s pretty much the main kingdom here. They have their problems, but who’s gonna throw in with Rohan, honestly?
Is it wrong that I want to make a Rohan/Roku joke here?
Bitch, put on some shoes.
Elfin booty calls.
Colin:
She’s inviting him to fuck? That’s how we’re supposed to interpret this?
Galadriel’s Labyrinth.
Lake Minnetonka.
Even Jesus would have tapped out on those things.
“Come. We will get shitty.”
Apparently she wants him to get high and look into a mirror.
Or she really wants to make him piss his pants.
She also keeps raising and lowering the pitcher for some reason.
Colin:
She’s 8338. Poor motor skills. They took her license away 6500 years ago.
Pensieve.
Colin:
How are you not gonna look? You’re totally gonna look.
Oh, that’s nice.
Oh.
Well, shit.
Colin:
So this is a future in which the hobbits are enslaved? I don’t get what Sauron’s ultimate goal is. He wants control of Middle Earth, but is there a purpose there? Does he want to exterminate men and halflings and elves and dwarves? I think we sort of take his evil and his ambition for granted. What the hell is his end goal? We’re never told, are we?
Colin:
This shot always looked weird and Tim Burton-ish to me. Like they got him to do 6 frames of this franchise, and there they are.
She’s creepy. I don’t like her.
Yes. Stick the ring inside his eye vagina.
Colin:
The water is SMOKING.
Was it as good for Frodo as it was for the water?
Seriously, Cate. Stop with the fucking looks.
“I know what it is you saw.”
So… you basically just made him look so you could see what he saw?
“For it is also in my mind.”
Somebody kill this bitch and hide the body. Make sure you wash your hands afterward to get rid of the sparkle residue.
She tells him that’s what’ll happen if he fucks up. So… no pressure.
She says “He” will try to take the ring. And it will destroy them all.
Colin:
“You know of whom I speak.” PAULY SHORE?! (Hey, Ba-ggins!)
I’m torn between whether or not this is good, what she’s doing, or really bad. Since, in a way, her doing this keeps Frodo on his guard and gets Boromir to not take the ring. Aragorn was never going to take it anyway. But it also makes him go on his own, which almost gets everybody killed. It seems like she’s doing this for selfish reasons (selvish?). And then after she gets over her “test” or whatever the fuck it is, she never corrects herself, like, “Oh, by the way, ignore what I said… I was… shitfaced.”
He offers her the ring.
Colin:
She’s mind-fucking him, right? The way he says it with telescoppy? He looks like he’s doing what she’s directed him to do, and then she just goes for it.
UNLIMITED GLITTER!
Colin:
It really does look like a My Little Pony came on her dress.
Uh oh… here it comes.
“In place of the Dark Lord, you would have a Queen!”
“Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Dawn. Treacherous as the Sea!”
“Stronger than the foundations of the earth.”
“All shall love me and despair!”
She sounds like fucking Ursula right before she got stabbed.
That was this franchise’s naked horcrux. I have no idea what the fuck that was and I’m not even gonna try to explain it. I’m just gonna move on and pretend it didn’t happen.
“I passed the test.”
I hope that test wasn’t the “Good CGI” test, because, no you didn’t.
Colin:
This whole thing was a test for her to see if she could resist the ring? Jesus, lady, keep me out of your manufactured mind games.
“I will diminish, and go into the West. And remain Galadriel.”
Is she a schizo? What’s that about? How about some fucking explanation instead of reaction shots, Peter Jackson?
She also calls Frodo a ring bearer, and I immediately pictured a hilarious image of Sauron’s wedding.
“Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.”
I like the line, it’s just – maybe don’t bend down and physically condescend to him as you say it. Just a suggestion.
Colin:
She talks about Frodo like he’s the last hope. Apparently forgetting about his twin sister that he offered to take the ring on his own, and that there’s nothing stopping it from being done by someone else, other than that he was the first to offer.
Way to bring the property value of the neighborhood down, Isengard.
“Do you know how the Orcs first came into being?”
Seriously, James Cameron – you could have done it eight years earlier. This looks just as good as yours did.
“They were elves, once.”
There are no black people in Middle Earth, are there?
Are Orcs supposed to be the black people of Middle Earth? Because that’s fucked up.
Colin:
This thing is gross. That didn’t evolve from elves.
Saruman then basically race baits him.
Colin:
How does he already speak English?! He was just birthed with evil magic like six days ago!
Baby Einstein for Uruk-hai.
They played that shit while they’re in the mud cocoons.
Okay, guys, here’s a game – I’m gonna show you the next couple of shots, and I want you to imagine we’re in a super evangelist church where people speak in tongues. Okay?
And… go:
Right?
(Also, this shot in particular — Platoon.)
Oh, but yeah, they’re ready to fight.
They ain’t never gonna hear about it.
Out of context screenshots.
“You know what you are? Just a dirty son of a–”
ZION! HEAR ME!
Nice red back there.
He also tells them that they will “taste man flesh.”
If I had a nickel…
“The readiness is all. You know the players. Call the game.”
He tells him that one of the halflings carries something important to him and that he’s to bring it back. But the others can be killed.
Colin:
I love it when the bad guy has a lieutenant who’s in on the gig. He gives his pep talk to the whole army, and then turns to the uruk-hai leader and goes, “Okay, here’s what I actually need for you to do.” It’s important to remain an inspirational (or feared) figure in the minds of the average soldiers, but to have your lieutenants on board so they can carry out the real orders.
This is why you have people.
So how did they get above ground? You mean to tell me they have enough ladders to support all of them and get them up this quickly?
Yeah, that’s a lot of guys. That’s an intricate system of ramps and pulley systems you’d have to have. How exactly did you get all this done in the span of like, a month?
And that’s where we END PART IV, as they go out to kill some bitches.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part V, and some bitches being killed.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)
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