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Fun with Franchises: The Lord of the Rings – The Two Towers (2002), Part III — “Fuck Arguments, Drink Mead”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Lord of the Rings franchise, and today is the third part of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers:

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We begin Part III just as Theoden finds out about his son.

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This was always a funny moment for me. He goes, “Where is Theodred? Where is my son?” and we immediately cut to this.

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That’s the kind of grave I want. Under some grass and stuff, into a hill… none of that rigid, “in the ground” shit. Build me into a hill somewhere.

Colin:

Oh, you better scatter me somewhere. Cremate me and scatter me somewhere. Doesn’t matter where. The only thing I can agree with the bitch ass steward about is that having your body entombed or buried or whatever is disgusting to me. Burn me up, and throw me anywhere. Cause it doesn’t matter. 

See, I support the cremation thing, inasmuch as I despise the idea of cemeteries. They’re like golf courses — complete wastes of space. But on the other hand, I’m egotistical enough to want to be buried just on the off chance they can find a way to keep me alive forever and reanimate me. So if I’m so quick to get rid of my body, that can’t happen.

Unless they can keep the brain in good condition and put me into a robot body or something. I’d be cool with that. Probably.

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“No parent should have to bury their child.”

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Colin:

I guess you get to whine a bit when you find out your son is dead.

Right?

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The kids are here.

Colin:

Finally, a few wide, stationary shots. I like the kids coming over the ridge like that.

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All right.

Colin:

You’re doing it wrong.

This looks like it might be an… Eo-mergency.

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They eat better than I do.

Colin:

It’s great how she shushes the little girl. “Shhhh…ut the fuck up. You’re only a sad story that I need to convince my uncle of something.”

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I like how his throne is just on a bear skin.

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“Can you see this shit? They look like goons. All of them.”

Colin:

Ah yes. The women and children. Gotta protect them. Unless you’re into women’s and childrens’ lib. Women’s liberation; children’s library.

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Gandalf tells him to just go fight Sauron.

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“Seriously. Stop being such a bitch. Remember when I just saved your ass from being a vegetable?”

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Theoden says that Eomer and the Rohirrim are already gone, and he will not bring further death to his people.

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He will not risk open war.

Colin:

Remember when Padme said this? “I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.” Or something like that. And there’s a huge fucking invading force coming down AS she says it.

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Gimli don’t care. Gimli got bread.

Colin:

Gimli picks at bread with a knife before putting it in his mouth. As you do.

Good thing that bread is… un-elvened.

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“Open war is upon you, whether you would risk it or not.”

Colin:

The first 150 or so times I saw this movie, I heard Viggo say, “Open war is a punyu.” And…what the fuck is a “punyu?” But “upon you” makes a lot more sense now.

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“When last I looked, Theoden, not Aragorn, was king of Rohan.”

King slap.

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“Yeah, whatever, motherfucker. I got Gondor.”

Colin:

Aragorn’s looking at him, like – yeah…let’s see how long that lasts after I take back Gondor.

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That’s how you do it – fuck arguments, drink mead.

Colin:

GIMLI YOU’RE WASTING BOOZE

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“Then what is the king’s decision?”

(That guy in the back is trying real hard not to laugh.)

Colin:

Yeah, what…why is that?

They all are. Bernard Hill must have been pulling out his dick while they shot this or something. Even Ian McKellen looks like he wants to laugh.

Too much of the haflings’ leaf that day.

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They’re going to Helm’s Deep.

Colin:

This kingdom ain’t shit. The king makes a decree and his head of security walks into the front yard and tells the whole CITY with a slightly raised voice.

Theoden thinks it’s best for his people. It has saved them in the past. But Gandalf says there’s no way out of there. He’s walking into a trap.

Colin:

I’m sure we’ll be the judges of whether or not it’s a defensible position.

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Gandalf tells him he has to stay with them. The defenses have to hold.

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“They will hold.”

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“They better, motherfucker.”

But that is a great moment. You know you’re a badass when you can just make a claim like that. “Oh, yeah. We got it. 10,000 against like 2,000? Not a problem.” And you believe him.

Colin:

This is the great thing about the Middle Ages. Aragorn’s just been on this quest for months now, and it doesn’t matter cause who the fuck had a day job in the Middle Ages?

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“They Grey Pilgrim, that’s what they used to call me. Three-hundred lives of men I walked this earth and now, I have no time.”

Colin:

300 lives of men… is awhile.

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He’s leaving. I guess he needs to send a… Shadow fax.

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“Look to my coming. At first light on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.”

Colin:

He’s calling his own arrival five days out, including the time and the direction from which he’ll arrive. In Middle Earth terms, this is basically a Babe Ruth home run pose.

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I like how he just breaks out of everywhere out of nowhere.

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Look at Legolas. “Goddamn, son, give us some warning before you do that.”

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This is like when you’re moving and you find all this shit you haven’t seen in years.

“This one time, at horse camp…”

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Pretty sure that’s not how you use a sword.

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I like the guy in the background packing up the tablecloth.

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What are you doing, getting energy or something? Try this once in a battle.

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She looks like she just got caught pretending she was married to him in the mirror or something.

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“You have some skill with a blade.”

(“Now how about showing me some skill on my DICK.”)

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Colin:

This is one of those – the only reason she gets the drop on Aragorn is cause he’s not playing for real. This always happens. You’ll play fight with a girl, and you’re tapping her on the shoulders and stuff until she sucker punches you to the stomach and declares victory. You have to tell her, “I could DECIMATE you! I just don’t want to end up in the paper!”

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Crazy eyes. She’ll fucking cut you.

She don’t fear death. Or pain.

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Colin:

Aragorn’s like, “Good…good.

“What do you fear, my lady?”

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“A cage.”

Is that something that can happen?

Colin:

I think the bondage thing’s out the window, Aragorn.

And yet… you know she fucks better then Arwen. You know she does.

Colin:

Are you KIDDING? Of COURSE she fucks better than Arwen. Brad Pitt had it right in Troy (wow, I just said those words.) when he said that immortals envy mortals because shit is just better for us since it has that added ephemeral quality to it. You know an elf chick can’t get busy with the fervor that a mortal girl can. Arwen lies around all day every day doing nothing, and that’s all she’s done for about 2000 years.

The Japanese are on the other end of the spectrum — they’re obsessed with ephemeral beauty, particularly in nature. The shorter something’s beauty lasts, the more appealing it becomes. This is why they’re so into cherry blossoms. They look nice, but they also disappear almost immediately. If you show a Japanese guy a perfect cherry blossom and then tell him that it’s guaranteed to fall within the next 30 seconds, he’ll jizz on the spot.

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“I do not think that will be your fate.”

Colin:

“Shieldmaiden of Rohan” still…doesn’t sound that good. Like, being the daughter of samurai came with honor. This sounds like, “We are going to have a duel. Hold my shield, wench.”

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“Wow… I really want to fuck him.”

Colin:

Conspicuous zoom is conspicuous.

But the feeling’s not mutual. So I guess he’s going to cast those feelings back into the fiery chasm from… wench, they came.

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So what happens to the city? Is it just sitting there, empty?

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Also, is this seriously all he’s got? Is he collecting the people from all the other places in Rohan, or is it just the Edoras people? That’s pretty fucked up that only the people in the capital city are going to the stronghold, and everyone else is just sort of chilling in their village, hoping they don’t get pillaged.

It’s like if something were to happen to New York, and all us people in the boroughs got to go hide somewhere, and everyone upstate was just SOL and JWF.

(Well, I guess that’s pretty accurate.)

And also, of the people that are traveling, wouldn’t you think there’d be more? How is this the majority of the people of Rohan? This is a medieval kingdom. They’re all peasants. There is NO way they don’t fuck like rabbits and reproduce all the time.

“What’s rubbers, Precious?”

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Wormtongue tells Saruman what Theoden will do.

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Saruman is interested.

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They’re gonna be traveling a dangerous path, slowly, with women and children.

Colin:

This little pause that Wormtongue throws in between “women” and “and children” is fantastic. His face brightens up a bit as if to say, “But wait – it gets better! AND children!” Cause if there’s anything Grima Wormtongue loves, it’s butt stuff killing children.

I realize now that in that last comment, the edit isn’t actually better than the crossed-out first version.

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Eyebrows.

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Send out the Gimp Wargs.

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ODIN!!

Colin:

This orc is all smiley cause he LOVES sending out his warg riders.

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Filch?

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Frodo and Sam have a talk about Gollum. Sam says he’s all evil now, and Frodo believes he can still be good.

Colin:

They did this shot in the middle of winter, so they had to blow warm air to melt all the snow around the stream and then put Andy Serkis in a wetsuit so he wouldn’t freeze to death in the cold ass water. He still got pretty frozen, apparently.

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Yeah.

Colin:

This cut to Gollum is so hilarious to me. I laugh every single time I see it.

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“You can’t save him, Mr. Frodo.”

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“But you can touch it. Just a little bit.”

Colin:

Sam’s totally right here, by the way. This is the same argument that comes up at murder trials when the defendant claims insanity. Some people are like, “He’s a victim! Society made him do this!” and everyone else is like, “He killed Lou Diamond Phillips…he’s going to jail forever.” (My imaginary crazy person killed Lou Diamond Phillips)

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“What do you know about it Skeet Face? Nothing!”

Colin:

This feels a little heavy-handed. I’d rather it be up to you to interpret Frodo’s motivations here. Instead of him all but explaining that he wants to save Gollum so he can keep hope for himself. And then Sam can still have his ‘hopeless’ line.

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Aww… Sam’s gonna cry.

Colin:

I love it when people try to apologize and clearly want to leave it at that, but the other person’s got a whole set of lines to throw right back at you.

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He tells him the Ring is affecting him. Frodo is still angry and shit.

Colin:

Oh, really? You think maybe it’s the god-forged ring around his neck that seeps evil into the world and enslaves mortals and immortals alike? I thought maybe he just had a pebble in his – oh, hobbits don’t wear shoes. Never mind.

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And then he goes off to angrily masturbate.

Colin:

You’re being kind of a dick, Mr. Frodo.

He’s not always a dick, though. It’s just… hobbit-ually.

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Colin:

Wow, after a fight like that, I was sure one of them would be sleeping on the couch.

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And Gollum’s going schizo.

Those hobbitses are tricksy. False.

Colin:

This is pretty great. The camera pans with his personalities. It’s Schizovision.

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“No. Master’s my friend.”

(That line, on its own, is just hilarious.)

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“You don’t have any friends. Nobody likes you.”

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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“You’re a liar. And a thief.”

Colin:

This is Geri’s Game, by the way. I love that short.

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“Not listening.”

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“Murderer.”

Colin:

He DMX growls at himself!

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“Go away.”

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“Go away? A HA HA HA HA HA!”

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“I hate you.”

This is actually a beautiful scene.

And it gets better. Gollum tells Smeagol that they survived because of him.

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“Not anymore.”

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“What did you say?”

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“Master looks after us now. We don’t need you.”

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“What?”

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“Leave now and never come back!”

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“Wait… that actually worked?”

Colin:

It’s just been you this whole time.

Wow… if he keeps this up, he’s got a bunch of pens in his future.

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He dances like a white person.

Colin:

That dance must never be done again by any creature ever. That’s the retarded humpback gypsy dance.

What did I say?

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Oh look… he brought you dead rabbits.

Colin:

I love Blood Diamond.

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Aww… he’s so happy.

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And he snaps its neck.

Colin:

This is the correct pose for your victory over rabbits.

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Just like Lana Turner.

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GPOY

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“You’ll make him sick, you will, behaving like that. There’s only one way to eat a brace of coneys.”

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“What the fuck are you doing?!”

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“You’ve ruinsed it!”

I gotta start talking like Gollum more.

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“What we need’s a few good taters.”

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“What’s taters, Precious?”

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“Po-ta-toes! Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew.”

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So this one time we were in Chinatown, right…

Colin:

Forget it, Mike.

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Ha ha. He spits in his general direction.

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“Even you couldn’t say no to that.”

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“Give it to us –”

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“Raw.”

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“And w-r-r-r-r-iggling.”

Well there’s a meme waiting to happen.

Gollum likes it raw and wriggling, ladies.

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“You’re hopeless.”

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“Where the fuck did Frodo go?”

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Oh shit, son.

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Remember the day when troops could just walk through places in formation like it was nothing?

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That’s one hell of a hookah you got there.

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Directors love the Oz shot.

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Also, this is interesting – Gollum says that Sauron is calling all his armies to him so he can begin war, “the last war, that will cover all the world in shadow.”

Now, my question is – what’s Sauron’s plan here? To take over the world or find his ring? Since they’re making it seem like he can pretty much take over shit if he wants, but the ring is the icing on the cake. But even then, it’s not absolute, since he had it the first time and lost it. And if I learned anything from The Matrix it’s that anomalies happen and shit repeats itself. So it’s weird to me that he’s doing both of these things.

I also again wonder why people are so hell bent on taking over shit. There’s really no end game there. So he takes over the world, the world is in shadow. Now what? There’s really nothing more he gets out of it that he doesn’t already have. He rules over a giant fucking kingdom. It’s not like he’s getting anything more out of the bargain other than the knowledge that he took shit over. I’ll never understand plans like this.

Colin:

Yeah. I’m the guy that’s totally satisfied being the company vice president. Like, totally satisfied. Pay me a bunch, let me do work, and you deal with the pressures of being the head honcho.

See, I’m the guy who’s like, “Give me that unmarked corner office, I’ll do work, and pay me enough to keep me comfortable.” I’m the guy who’s not on the official payroll, who makes the rocks disappear.

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They have oliphaunts.

Colin:

Oliphaunts. Time for some Planet Middle Earth.

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Where do you pick those up?

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I also wonder why he spells it that way. Because, for those of you who know history, he could have just as easily called them Hannibal… Barca loungers.

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“No one at home will believe this.”

Gollum:

That’s cause they ain’t never gonna know about it.

*snap*

Colin:

“That’s cause they is never gonna know ‘bout it, bitch!” said Frodo, snapping Sam’s neck.

Big drink. BIG drink.

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ATTACK!

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What up, Faramir, son of Denethor, that bitch ass steward of Gondor?

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GUY FALLING OFF!

Colin:

This doesn’t feel very “Gondor,” does it? It occurs to me now that this is sort of our first real acquaintance with Gondor other than Boromir and Gandalf looking at papers in an old library. And in terms of the whole franchise (and even just from Sean Bean), Gondor appears to be the superpower nation of men that has a huge military and can beat just about anyone in a straight fight. Sort of like the US during WWII, or whatever. This is like Vietnam. Guerrilla warfare. They’re being sneaky, not showing any standards. With Gondor, you expect more pomp and less surprise. I mean, this is the smart way and I approve. But they’re sneaky as hell.

I think it’s because Denethor is focusing on making sure no one attacks him, and all his people are focused on attacks from Mordor, so Faramir has to take only his small company of men with him to do shit, and they have to operate this way. They’re out getting scalps.

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Well this won’t end well.

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For you.

Colin:

Oh, look at the guy who fell! They look rather ethnic. Maybe his father was a GI.

He looks like Thriller era MJ.

Colin:

What did I say?

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“Come on, Sam.”

Colin:

I love how Gollum’s like the black person in terms of early warning. You know that when shit’s about to go down, white people just stand around and wait for it to happen because we think we’re somehow invincible. But we’re not. We’re stupid. And the black people have already made it to safety as we get demolished by whatever’s coming. Frodo turns around, notices Gollum’s gone, and that should be his cue to leave.

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You is caught.

Colin:

The only reason Frodo and Sam have survived at all is because they’ve managed to stay mostly out of sight and have gotten lucky in not being found. But as soon as they come into contact with these rando commandos, they’re disarmed and captured within three seconds. Why are you even carrying weapons?

And now they’re being tied up. This was… bound to happen.

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“It’s true you don’t see many dwarf women. In fact, they’re so alike in voice and appearance, that they’re often mistaken for dwarf men.”

Colin:

I’ve seen entire websites devoted to dwarf women. Probably not the Tolkien kind, but…you know.

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“It’s the beards.”

This one time, at Horse Camp…

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She want the dick.

She wants to give him a Ro-handy.

Colin:

She wants him helm deep.

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“And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no dwarf women. And the dwarfs just spring out and fall to the ground!”

Spring out from where? Wouldn’t they just fall to the ground?

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Aww… I know that laugh. That’s the “I work for you” laugh.

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“Nobody panic. That was deliberate. It was deliberate.”

Colin:

Who gives a fuck about him falling off his horse? How about him hurling his fucking battle axe into a bunch of women and children?

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She want the dick.

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Oh yes. She want the dick.

Colin:

I know this slo-mo shot of Eowyn is supposed to be a moment between her and Aragorn, but it comes off more as something with her and Gimli. Which – is a Shrek level of gross.

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She want the dick.

To Dick or Not to Dick.

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“This is a dream.”

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“Then it is a good dream.”

Colin:

Liv Tyler in your head, going on about Elvish bullshit…that’s what I imagine Dante’s first circle of Hell to be.

(What the fuck is Limbo Mist?)

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Don’t be fucking in your father’s office. What’s wrong with you?

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Jesus, I can hear her whisper from here. And she ain’t even saying anything in this shot.

Colin:

You know there are Tolkien nerds beating off to this. “Touch her elf ears! Touch ‘em! AHHHHHHHHH!”

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Yeah, that’s pretty accurate.

Colin:

Why sleep? It’s a dream. You should be getting’ jiggy wit’ it.

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Oh, yeah. This is a flashback. From the last movie. Mostly just some shit about his path or whatever. She says something, he’s like, “I don’t think so.” It’s pretty inconsequential.

Colin:

You should probably take her word for it, dude. She’s 2770 years old.

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Boobies.

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Soundstage.

Colin:

If I found myself in Middle Earth all of a sudden, I’d go to Rivendell cause it looks awesome, but after a week there, I’d probably kill myself because…white chicks.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 804

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 805

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 806

“Where is she? The woman who gave you that jewel.”

She’s asking for it, Aragorn.

Colin:

I need to start doing this. Someone asks you a question, you just keep walking and daydreaming and shit. I bet it makes you look deep. I could totally pull that off. “Colin, blah blah blah blah?” And I’m wondering about how many horsepower the next Porsche GT2 RS is going to have, which – I would be making that exact same face Aragorn is right now.

“I wonder what Arsenio’s doing right now…”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 807

Elrond Hubbard tells Aragorn to let her go into the west.  He doesn’t want to leave his daughter there to die.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 808

Aragorn says she stays because she still has hope, and Elrond Hubbard says she stays because she wants the dick.

Colin:

This is the tamest, lamest version of the conversation that fathers have with their daughters’ boyfriends a lot. “She’s too good for you. Let her go.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 809

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 810

And he does. He breaks up with her.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 811

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 812

Oh shit, he’s giving her vaginecklace back to her.

Now give him back his letterman jacket.

Colin:

And he goes for it? It’s enough to shock her into speaking English.

You sleepin’ on the space couch tonight, son! Oh, right…Star Wars is over, so it’s just a regular couch now.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 813

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 814

“What the fuck are you staring at? You haven’t answered any of my questions.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 815

“She’s sailing to the undying lands, with all that is left of her kin.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 816

“So you’re saying there’s a chance?”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 817

I sense some exposition is coming.

Colin:

Legolas is looking around at shit, so clearly all is not well.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 818

Warg.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 819

Which fucking tally hos onto this guy.

That must suck.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 820

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 821

Yeah, kill that fuck.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 822

“A scout!”

Told ya.

Colin:

PS – if you’re ever a scout for anything other than a major league baseball team, you’re probably going to die a gruesome death. How many times have we seen yell, “It was a scout!” as they throw a severed head to the ground?

I was talking about the Rohan guys before, but Legolas just slit this orc’s throat and yelled, “A scout!” If you’re made a scout, you’ll be killed. If you’re named Scout, you’ll only be attacked by Bob Ewell.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 823

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 824

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 825

Kuleshov Effect.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 826

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 827

There’s a moment in here that I’m not gonna waste shots on where Theoden tells Eowyn that she has to lead the people to Helm’s Deep, and she’s like, “I can fight!” and he quickly goes, “No!” and tells her she has to do this, for him. Which is mostly about her wanting to fight and him being like, “No… I’m not losing another child,” and also probably because, “You’re a fucking girl. You’re not fighting,” because misogyny runs deep in societies like this. My thing is, wouldn’t you just be like, “Yes. I know you can fight. That’s why I’m asking you to lead them to Helm’s Deep.”? “You can fight. So you lead them, we’ll take care of this shit, and I’ll know that they’re in safe hands because you’re a good leader and you can fuck people up if they attack you.” Amazing how you can keep her safe and bolster her confidence at the same time.

I’m gonna be a great parent one day.

Colin:

This is Theoden sort of taking her down a peg but then reassuring her that he’s only asking this of her because he needs someone he can trust in that role. Cause sure, she’s B Squad, but she’s the B Squad leader.

Joy is a peasant’s scream.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 828

Fight time.

I was never a huge fan of this fight. It seemed to be quick, unnecessary, and not all that interesting.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 829

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 830

Legolas fucking destroys that rider, though.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 831

I love that he’s just lobbing arrows from hundreds of feet away and just hitting everything.

Colin:

Gotta be one of the most badass moments in the whole franchise for me. I have no idea why, but I’ve always favored precision over brute strength. In first-person shooters, I’m always the one that chills in the back with a sniper rifle, shooting bad guys from half a mile away as my friends run into the middle of everything with their shotguns or whatever. It’s always incredibly satisfying when you take out a guy that’s right next to one of them from the other side of the map, and they see him go down out of nowhere. But anyway, long distance precision has always been my favorite mode of engagement, so when Legolas did this, it was crazy badass to me. He shoots an arrow at a pretty high angle, and the warg rider going at a full gallop like 200 yards away goes DOWN. I fucking applaud this every time. It’s also not overused like Hawkeye in The Avengers, so I can stay excited about it.

But that’s badass as HELL. When you fire an arrow like that and take down a moving target from such a great distance, you can’t even call it ‘firing an arrow’ anymore. He just let one off the chain. And the second one, he aims for like a half of a second! You don’t even have to see it hit, because you know it did. This is why any team with him on it…just wins. That’s it.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 832

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 833

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 834

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 835

Well all right, then.

Did they literally just photoshop that? Did they just pull him and drag and drop? Because that’s what it looks like they did.

Colin:

It must be said how sick that is that he swings around Gimli’s horse the long way around by grabbing the strap. Seriously, Legolas is one of my least favorite characters during all other parts of the franchise, but when the battle starts, I’m watching HIM.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 836

I think part of my dislike of this scene has to do with how obviously CG the wargs look. Pretty much all the other CG in this movie I can buy (for the most part. I’m not gonna sit there and make a list, but… not too much seems overly obvious. Like the trolls. Or the olliphants. You know they’re CG, but for the most part, it’s not that offensive. This felt pretty offensive and gratuitous.)

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 837

That’s really the only way to lead a charge.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 838

See?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 839

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 840

If two trains…

Colin:

I wonder if this was purposefully shot like a battle between the Native Americans and the US Cavalry. It’s on the plains, and they’re circling around throwing spears and shooting arrows and stuff. It’s rather like a battle against the Cheyenne or something.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 841

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 842

Holy SHIT.

Just like X-Men.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 843

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 844

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 845

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 846

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 847

I might have to reverse judgment on this sequence. This is some brutal shit.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 848

Colin:

This warg looks like Nick Frost.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 849

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 850

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 851

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 852

“That one counts as mine!”

I never noticed how they just sort of started their little competition and never explained it. And by the second time it happens, you just accept it.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 853

Wow, he smacked that thing in the FACE!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 854

And it landed on him.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 855

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 856

That’s how you shoot a bow.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 857

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 858

A+ for this guy.

I’m recommending him for the Medal of Merit.

Colin:

I love Blood Diamond.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 859

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 860

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 861

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 862

Holy shit he snaps his NECK!

Colin:

Snap goes his neck.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 863

And he’s lifting a warg AND that guy.

Colin:

Why does John Rhys-Davies make an ‘in the nuts!’ sound when the second warg falls on him? I supposed he’s being pretty well crushed.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 864

Wow… these things really don’t have all that much better to do, do they? What kind of war beasts are these things if they immediately stop fighting when there’s some food on the ground?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 865

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 866

I like how these guys always have field vision. He knows that Gimli is over there and is in trouble, so he immediately reverts course (not encountering any enemies along the way) and comes right over to help him out.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 867

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 868

With that thing.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 869

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 870

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 871

I wonder if real war is like that.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 872

Nice job, Theoden.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 873

Aragorn is on a warg.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 874

And he just fucking headbutts the guy.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 875

Headbutts in movies are really underrated. You can really never go wrong with a good headbutt. They’re always funny.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 876

Maybe just let go.

He’s being a real… Ara-thorn, in his side.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 877

And the dude’s just fucking stomping him.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 878

Stab!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 879

Oh, I see. You is tangled.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 880

You is fucked.

Colin:

Well this is a dumb animal. Let’s run off a cliff.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 881

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 882

Colin:

OooooooOOoooooooooh SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 883

You is gone.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 884

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 885

Aww… they’re gonna have to shoot that horse.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 886

Where the fuck is Aragorn?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 887

Sgt. Barnes tells tells them he went over the edge. Which I never got. Wouldn’t you check over the edge first? Why do you need him to tell you?

Colin:

How does this dying orc know that they’re looking for the guy he got mixed up with? And why does he have metal pieces grafted to his forehead? Has he had brain surgery? Are we to believe that orcs would go to such trouble to fix each other up when they could just jizz in the mud and make more of themselves?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 888

He does get to tell them and die on his own, though, which is pretty badass.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 889

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 890

And he just happened to grab that thing too?

Colin:

Oh, shit! He’s got Arwen’s va-jay-jay! He wasn’t lying!

If I had a nickel for every time the detectives said that…

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 891

Colin:

The fall probably killed him.

But at least he had a… nice trip, first.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 892

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 893

“Leave the dead.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 894

“Motherfu—”

Colin:

Uh oh. You’ve said something to offend Legolas. Cause Aragorn’s dead. Well, one good guy who’s died so far has stayed dead and the other’s come back. Place your bets, folks.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 895

“Yeah, I know, but I also gotta look after other people. Also, I’m a king. So suck on my balls.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 896

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part IV, and Crinkle Crinkle.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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