Fun with Franchises: The Lord of the Rings – The Return of the King (2003), Part II — “Gotta Be Weird to See Your Daughter’s Vajeen Around Some Dude’s Neck”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Lord of the Rings franchise, and today is the second part of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King:

We begin Part II in the hall of that bitch ass steward, Denethor.

Colin:

I’m almost sorry I ever called him that, cause he will never live it down.

But what is he if not that?

Pippin is swearing his allegiance.

Denethor is amused.

Colin:

Denethor is enjoying this so much that I can’t help but to enjoy it myself.

Wouldn’t you be when a midget decides to work for you out of nowhere?

Kiss the rings, bitch.

You don’t know where that ring has been.

Colin:

That was a gross kiss on the ring. That’s the way you’d pucker up if someone forced you to kiss them on the asshole. That’s exactly how you’d do it. And that’s the sound it would make.

“Now, about the matter of compensation…”

Denethor says Osgiliath must be retaken. Even though it’s impossible.

He’s holding Faramir to Boromi’s standards. (Standards that were achieved in a time of relative piece to the current time.)

And eating chicken. Which looks good.

But those tomatoes creep me the fuck out. There are three things that creep me out to no end. The first is tinfoil. Because it’s metal. And we put it on food like it’s nothing. And it’s really thin metal that can be swallowed. And that’s creepy.

The second is peas. Because it’s the only food that comes in its own bodybag. And that’s not okay.

The third is tomatoes. Not sliced tomatoes. Full tomatoes. And those little cherry tomatoes. (And baby corn, for that matter. That’s creepy too.) The reason full tomatoes creep me out is because of that jizz liquid that’s inside them. That’s unnatural. Ever bite into one of those things and the tomato jizz squirts onto your lip? And you can just feel it in your mouth? It’s disgusting. Denethor’s gonna do that later! And it’s fucking creepy!

Fortunately I’m not as bad as Shiho. I am willing to eat peas if it’s in rice or something. I won’t freak the fuck out if they’re there. But I don’t want them near me. They creep me out.

I really don’t know how anyone eats that tomato jizz and doesn’t think anything of it. What is wrong with you people?

Colin:

I have very little issue with these foods these days. Admittedly, I don’t love eating whole cherry tomatoes because they pop with jizz. But if they’re sliced in half first and thrown in a salad, that’s totally cool. Tin foil is fine. And peas aren’t nearly the only food that comes in a body bag. Beans — like edamame, for example — also come in body bags. Sausage is literally meat and organs in stuff in a little body-bag-like membrane. So those or hot dogs are worse, cause it’s like pureeing someone before putting them back in their body bag.

But Japan has stuff that’s so much worse. Not like, China worse. But stuff that’d freak out a lot of Americans to try. I just eat it all, even though I don’t necessarily love it. One thing I dislike that’s all over the place is ikura, which are relatively large, orange fish eggs. Each is about the size of a pea and is bright orange. The stuff Americans put on the outside of their sushi rolls is like a couscous consistency — these are WAY bigger. And when you bite down on one, it’s like a Gusher in your mouth, but with fish essence instead of fruit gummy flavor. I’m not big on the flavor itself, but the sensation of cool fish juice jizzing all over the inside of your mouth is NOT great.

I also want to point out how much I love his little hand wave that he does to pull his sleeves up before eating. Can’t get this chinchilla in his dinner.

Clearly a child in the shot.

“Is there a captain here who still has the courage to do his lord’s will?”

Colin:

I don’t think he understands words. Loyalty and disloyalty isn’t measurable in success or failure. Faramir did his best to hold the city — he’s only disloyal if he decided he didn’t give a fuck. In fact, Denethor should be thanking him for bringing back as many men as he did. The whole thing was a lost cause from the start. Some leaders are dumb. They just give their subordinates impossible tasks and then get angry with the inevitable failure to carry them out. This is, of course, only acceptable if you Force Choke the person.

“You wish now that our places had been exchanged. That I had died and Boromir had lived.”

Colin:

Which brother? The one who was weak in his will and got killed? The one who never had to defend the city against an attack even a quarter this size? That brother?

“Yes. I wish that.”

Spoken like a true alcoholic parent.

“Since you were robbed of Boromir, I will do what I can in his stead.”

Colin:

Now shit comes out. Daddy issues. Boromir’s the favorite and Faramir ain’t shit. The fact that he openly admits this in front of his only remaining son is fucked up beyond all comprehension. If it was Tolkien’s goal to make this guy a loathesome cunt, he sure succeeded. What a douchebag. This is why I initially called him the “bitch ass steward.”

It’s just generally awkward when parental favoritism is out in the open. Remember in Meet Joe Black when Anthony Hopkins’ older daughter tells him she knows he loves the younger sister more, and that she’s okay with it? That’s super awkward to me, and I don’t understand how it isn’t more awkward to Hopkins.

“If I shall return, think better of me, father.”

Colin:

This dude has already done amazing shit for any human, and he’s begging his father for a little approval should he COME BACK ALIVE. That’s fucked up.

Japan.

Colin:

That’s not even Japan. The Japanese always had intense feelings for their kids and would pretend not to see failure, even during the feudal era. The Japanese society is such that people do this to THEMSELVES. The parental disappointment thing feels more like China or India. “You didn’t get into MIT? I HAVE NO SON!”

Damn shame what they did to that baby girl.

“That shall depend on the manner of your return.”

That’s some cold blooded shit right there.

Colin:

AND DENETHOR TELLS HIM ‘MAYBE!’ Slit this motherfucker’s throat. This is the dad who got a one of those pictures with macaroni glued to a sheet of paper and threw it in the trash in front of the kid. He makes Amy Chua look nice, which — let’s take a moment to reflect on how awful that woman is.

It’s funny how we all like Boromir better because he’s Sean Bean, but Faramir gets way more character development and a better arc.

Colin:

Oh. I actually prefer Faramir, precisely for that reason, and because Sean Bean bitched out.

And Faramir doesn’t have AIDS.

(Though… Eowyn..)

It would suck if you were the type to roll over in your sleep.

Colin:

It would also suck to be Helen Keller. Unrelated, but also a reflection of how I feel.

I wish I could make that the subtitle.

Does Gollum sleep?

‘Spicious.

But tired.

That’s great. He was pretending to sleep until Sam fell asleep.  Hooray, sociopathy.

Colin:

He’s just better at staying awake than they are, I guess.

Got that elf bread.

Colin:

The wretch when he picks up the bread is a nice touch.

It’s like he’s stealing some weed from his stash.

He looks like the Grinch taking the last crumb from the fireplace.

Sprinkle some crack on him.

Or, I guess… sprinkle sprinkle.

Colin:

Sprinkle sprinkle.

Elf bread was released into the wild. Bye, elf bread!

“What are you up to? Sneaking off, are we?”

“Sneaking? Fat hobbit is always so polite.”

“Smeagol shows them secret ways that nobody else can find, and they, “sneak! Sneak!”

Colin:

It’s always so obvious when someone does this. They repeat the accusation in a tone of, “Oh shit, did they figure me out?” before repeating it a second time, but this time in an offended tone. “Sneaking…? I mean, SNEAKING?! How DARE you?!”

“All right, all right! You just startled me is all.”

“What were you doing?”

“Sneaking.”

That’s pretty great.

Though if I were Sam, that motherfucker gets thrown off right now.

(Though, honestly, I’d have killed him last movie.)

Colin:

That makes this ALL okay. The fact that when asked what he was doing, he replies sneaking. He knows he’s got this shit in the bag. He could say anything he wants right now and it’s totally fine.

Time to wake up Mr. Frodo.

Colin:

Why do you have to be moving on? Do you know what time it is? Does it MATTER what time it is? How about you move on when everyone’s up and well-rested?

I love that he needs to be woken up, as if that entire conversation wasn’t something he could hear.

Then again, I’m one to talk. I’ve slept through multiple fire alarms during college.

The bread is gone.

They got robbed.

I love that. Trying to act innocent.

Colin:

He’s scratching his head. This is Dick in the Ass subtle. Frodo’s a moron.

“He did it!”

“What? Me?! No!”

I love that. They’re on a flight of vertical steps, thousands of feet above the ground, in a place where NO other creature would bother coming to, flying or not, and it’s so clearly him that did it. And he’s like, “What?! No!”

“You know I didn’t do that shit. Come on. Come on!”

“He doesn’t eat it. He can’t have taken it.”

Just to put this into perspective – I, myself, do not wear pantyhose (most of the time). If a pair went missing, would you say, “Well he doesn’t wear them, why would he have take them?”

It’s pretty amazing that you’d just rule out a suspect on just the fact that there was no obvious motive. And that you’d figure it had to be the other person you were with, even though you’re climbing at a ninety degree angle most of the time. Maybe you did it, motherfucker.

Colin:

He doesn’t eat it. Does he have a motive to get rid of it, though? Frodo’s a moron.

“Wait a minute…”

This is the most obvious plan ever.

Eww.

He’s got all the acting ability of a soap opera actor.

“Crumbs on his jacketses! He took it!”

Colin:

Top ten line. “Crumbs on his jacketses!”

Seriously, though, who are you gonna trust? Sam, or the evil little shit who’s tried to kill you before? Frodo’s a moron.

SMACK!

Throttle!

Oh man he punched him in the fucking face!

Colin:

Damn. A punch that hard in a place like this…he almost punched Smeagol off the earth.

Honestly, keep fucking hitting him. Throw him the fuck over. You’re basically there. Go up the stairs, through the cave, into Mordor, find the giant fucking volcano. You don’t need him. And you’re a gardener. You know how to get rid of a body.

Colin:

Sam’s greatest virtue as a gardener is simply…being there.

He’s WAILING on him! Yes!

Anyway, Frodo tells him to stop and almost passes out.

I wonder if he’s suspicious.

And then Sam says he could carry the ring for him.

This is what it looks like when someone asks if they can have some of your chicken tenders.

Colin:

But how did Gollum time this shit? He told Frodo at EXACTLY the right time that Sam would ask for the ring, and Sam did it as if on cue. Is Gollum in cahoots with the ring? Is the ring now manipulating Gollum to manipulate Frodo? Sometimes, when things work out perfectly like this, it’s a bit like the Star Wars prequels where way too many things are playing out either coincidentally or without reason, and you basically just have to attribute it all to the Force.

How the fuck do none of these people grow facial hair at any point throughout these movies?

Colin:

Mouth closeups are never a good idea if you don’t want to be gross. Or unless it’s a hot chick with some DSLs.

For-ever. For-ev-er. For-e-ver.

Then it’s a good idea.

There’s a shot.

“I don’t want to keep it. I just want to help.”

Colin:

This exchange is like when a guy grabs a girl’s ass, gets slapped and tells her his hand slipped. She’s offended, he’s defensive.

There’s a face.

“Get out of here!”

“No, Sam. It’s you.”

“He’s a liar. He’s poisoned you against me.”

Colin:

Here’s where you lose your shit. PLEASE BELIEVE ME, MOTHERFUCKER! Like Chappelle trying to convince his friends he didn’t sleep with a girl.

“Go home.”

Colin:

And seriously? Sam’s the one guy who’s kept you grounded the whole time, you asshole. You’re sending him away because you trust this thieving scumbag over your lifelong friend and loyal companion who’s risked everything to help you. Frodo’s a moron.

Aww… he’s gonna cry.

He is crying.

Colin:

And yet…fewer things are more upsetting than Sean Astin crying.

“Seriously. Stop crying like a bitch. I’m trying to gloat.”

Colin:

By the way — this is still supposed to be in The Two Towers. At least by the book’s schedule. I mean, Frodo deserting Sam feels very ‘end of Act II,’ doesn’t it? And in terms of the books, that’s exactly what it was, since the second one ends with Frodo being gotten by Shelob and then taken by the orcs. I guess Peter Jackson thought that’d would leave the two of them with way less to do for the third film, so they split it. But on the other hand — how much better is that as a cliffhanger to the second movie? Frodo being unconscious and taken by the bad guys? Instead of them…walking.

War.

I love war movies. I love everything about war movies. Troops getting ready, people strategizing, troops fighting, at pretty much any location — air battles, sea battles, trench battles, march at each other in a field battles — it’s all incredible.

It sucks that my three favorite genres of movie (western, musical, war) don’t get made anymore. It’s really fucked up.

Colin:

Gondor is so obviously better than Rohan it’s almost sad. With their all-metal armor and stuff. All the same, look at these peasants. These awful peasants. You’d almost want to sign up for military service just so you could be the one on horseback riding to your death instead of standing on the side as one of these miserable fucking peasants. What an existence. And this is different from what I said about Pippin’s comment earlier, about how the battle would be worse than the wait. But that’s keeping the person equal. At least the soldiers of Gondor don’t have to look like these people. Ugh. Feudal Japan had it so right.

If a peasant in the street offended or somehow failed to defer to a samurai, the samurai was free to decapitate them on the spot. No trial, no appeal, and it was never questioned afterwards. The Japanese word 辻斬り, or “tsujigiri” (which is no longer in common usage) refers to the practice of killing a passerby simply to try out a new sword. That’s a three-character word to describe that whole concept. FUCK peasants.

And then some random Gondor woman gives a soldier a flower.

What is this, Vietnam?

Colin:

I’m sure he’ll really cherish that flower. This is their little “support the troops” rally. Denethor’s already got plans to land a plane on an aircraft carrier.

“Faramir, don’t fucking listen to that asshole. He’s crazy.”

Colin:

These guys all know him, too! Gandalf gets around like a fucking record.

“Where does my allegiance lie if not here?”

Colin:

Honor’s such a bitch.

“Your father loves you, Faramir. He’ll remember it before the end.”

Spectacularly so, I might add.

Colin:

Who lives in this little building just inside the gate? This is where the battle begins. I bet this is prime real estate during peace time, but they got the short end of the stick for when wars happen.

Nice shot.

It must be weird being able to see evil out your front yard.

Colin:

Not if you’re a black person in the South, apparently.

I also looked at this shot and went, “They’re traveling southeast.”

Wow. They clearly don’t have enough guys.

Colin:

Wouldn’t you bring a lot of dudes? If you’re gonna do it, do it RIGHT. They’re just throwing their lives away with this gambit. He should show up with the whole army and set the orcs back properly.

Also, watch these shots…

One of the horses is completely drunk.

Go home, horse. You are drunk.

I’m just gonna say three words, and everyone reading this is gonna go, “Yes!”

Ready?

Orc Bruce Dern.

Gorgeous image.

Colin:

Now that’s a fucking shot. Oh my god. I love that city.

I like how they’re like, “These motherfuckers are seriously trying to come up in here?”

Utensils really are overrated.

“You. Sing for me.”

He reminds me of Danny Devito eating fish in Batman Returns.

EWW TOMATO JIZZ

Colin:

Nobody ever taught him how to eat a cherry tomato properly. Or anything else, by the looks of it.

Where do they grow those things? Pretty sure you ain’t growing anything this close to Mordor.

He sings.

Colin:

Oh boy. Echo-y chamber, creepy song, and a bunch of guys about to die. I’m on board.

Bored is not spelled b-o-r-e-d.

Somehow this is cliché as hell and also works.

They’re ready. This is like The Birds.

Colin:

Oh, scratch that “send the whole army” thing. They’re all fucked.

(This shot is crisp, though.)

(I guess this battle has some… Crisp-us Attacks.)

His son is about to Leeroy Jenkins, but at least he has chicken.

Colin:

Is that a fish-eye lens on Denethor? It’s a funny angle. Said Tyrone.

He took a cinematography course.

I’m telling you… it’s the only way.

Man, this looks good.

Colin:

Okay, that’s kind of cheating. When you play dissonant string chords over ANYTHING, it becomes creepy. I could play that over an episode of Blues Clues and it’d be creepy. Er. Creepier.

Now I’m imagining Goblin doing the soundtrack for Blues Clues.

Also, for those who read this and know both of us or know what I’m referring to — Colin, about… fuck, maybe like a year ago, maybe more, wanted a list of 500 “essential” movies to watch. And naturally, I am the person to provide such a list.

This is why you have people.

(Side note: I know he’d bring this up if I didn’t. He actually sent an email before he went to bed (which was in the morning for me), saying something like, “I’m thinking of maybe finding some movies to watch, like a list of essential movies or something.” Just saying he was thinking about it, not that he was gonna do it or anything. And he knew full well that all he needed to do was suggest the idea and I’d have a list of movies for him by the time he work up. And sure enough, six hours later, I had an entire list of about 450 movies for him, with a bunch more suggestions to flex in the remaining 50. Because that’s what I do. I don’t fuck around on movies.)

So anyway, he had this giant list. And it was originally just straight “essential” movies. Mostly stuff people need to see, along with ones you need to see culturally, along with ones you need to see “film-wise.” Foreign films, things like that. (Not that there are only 500, but as a list, it’s solid.) The point is — he’s got probably like 100 movies left or something, he knows what the exact number is, and on his remaining list of films is Suspiria, which I’ve been patiently waiting for him to get to for so long. I keep saying, whenever he’s gonna watch that movie, to let me know in advance, so I can tell him how to watch it and so I can watch it to that same day. Because I fucking love Suspiria.

So I wanted you all to know that. That Colin is also a film boss, in terms of what he’s seen (how many people ask for a list of movies to watch and go, “Next time, skew more toward the 30s and 40s stuff. I enjoy it more”?), and has seen more movies and is better educated, film watching-wise, than 95% of film students. And also, it’s hilarious to me, picturing Goblin doing the soundtrack for anything.

I guess the main point was supposed to be — check out Suspiria, if you haven’t. But only in the right conditions. At night, lights off, sound way up, as big a screen as possible. You’ll be entertained.

And then the side point was to tell you about this giant list of movies. Since, eventually, I’m trying to turn that “essentials” list into an article here on the blog (or a series of articles or something), where I go through all the films I think people need to see, and provide people with a set number of movies, over all the decades and genres and stuff, that will make them a better movie buff. (I’m also kind of hoping it turns into a double feature of sorts, where I post the list on here, and Colin writes up what he thought about all the movies on his list on his blog, and I can reblog it on here. So everyone can know about the mini film education course I offer (and know that this is available for anyone, should they so choose).

I also, aside from that first list of 500, have a giant list of about 500 more movies all set up, not necessarily for him (though it can very easily become that), but rather, a giant list of “fun” movies, which is all the remaining “essentials” that aren’t on that first immediate list, as well as all the great and fun and badass movies I didn’t get to include the first time, and all the hidden gems that I’ve come across in my movie travels. When I do shit, I do it right.

Anyway, back to the movie. Because people are about to get killed.

They are so fucked.

Colin:

What is wrong with your FACE?!

It’s weird to me that orcs have hair, since… why?

Look at Seabiscuit over there.

Bruce Dern told everyone to fire.

Colin:

Good work not including the “Fire!” I like that being silenced but having the sound of the arrows being loosed.

There’s another one of those images that’s pretty cliché yet completely works.

What is that, though? It’s not tomato jizz,and the chicken’s not that undercooked. And it’s not wine, either. They really messed with reality for the sake of imagery.

Which is fine, except — tomato jizz.

Colin:

Is that blood? What the hell is dripping from his mouth? I never saw a tomato with juice THAT color.

I feel like this is more hacky than the previous image. Him lowering his head like, “They’re all going to die and you’re doing nothing about it.”

Colin:

Stop sobbing. Does he know that Faramir’s men are getting murderized at this very moment? Is that what this is?

Holy shit, ANOTHER gorgeous image. This film is loaded with them.

Colin:

Whoa. I don’t remember this. I like this shot of Gandalf sitting alone here. This is a great shot. Not enough shadows in the Gondor scenes, but this looks good.

Shit, another nice shot.

(This is what this synopsis has become. Me saying “nice shot” over and over.)

Colin:

Siege weapons! Yeah! Of course, considering that their civilization hasn’t really advanced at all for like 10,000 years, it’s still kind of pathetic. Like 10,000 years ago, our ancestors were figuring out how to domesticate animals. Now we have baller technology, like space stations and Tamagotchis and stuff. Maybe the orcs SHOULD take over, cause they’re the only ones willing to pursue an industrial revolution.

Rohan camp.

Is he just waving to all his troops? Is he gonna kiss a black baby?

Colin:

Assembly areas are cool.

With all the white tents, it’s a little Civil War era.

I like mountains.

Plus it’s cool that they’re camped up on the mountain and everyone else is down below.

I’m really discovering how much I like elevated spaces in these articles. Like with Yoda. I like being able to look out and see shit from above. Which seems to go against my whole “living underground thing,” but not when you realize that I am essentially a person who lives on extremes. I really seem to like stuff that’s either one extreme or the other extreme. Which is hilarious, since I’m completely indifferent about the stuff that actually involves extremes, like politics.

Now that’s an army. That shit looks nice.

Colin:

Great view.

Now I’m thinking about the logistics of a traveling army.

Specifically this traveling army. Or any one in this universe.

Where do they all shit?

How much food did they bring? How much extra weight is that, carrying food for all those men? How many people are there just to cook the food? Do you think that job is awesome, being army cook? How many battalions and regiments are there in these ranks? How quickly does word spread throughout the camp? What are the specific horsemaster ranks? Did they inform Gondor that they were coming? Is there a set of reverse beacons? I have so many questions.

Colin:

I’ve heard it’s not awesome, being an army cook. You might spend all day chopping onions, or peeling potatoes. I expect the trick in the army is to find a gig that either nobody else can do or nobody else thinks to do. My dad was stationed in Germany during Vietnam (probably why I’m here) at one of the bases there in case a Soviet tsunami came over the Czech border. Apparently he volunteered for nighttime guard duty every night cause you just walked around by yourself smoking cigarettes and talking to whoever else was on duty, and then when everyone was doing shit during the day, you got to sleep or do whatever. And when that wasn’t available, he was a solid mechanic, so he’d fix everything from Jeeps to 5-ton trucks (like the ones in Raiders of the Lost Ark) and then get to bomb around Germany in them to “make sure they worked.” Meanwhile, everyone else is marching around and polishing shit and whatever you do in the army.

That’s why I want to be babysitting that remote thing they never use.

Also, if there’s any person who can find some position that no one else can do, it’s me.

Six thousand men. Less than half of what he hoped for, not enough to break the lines of Mordor.

I like how the elves are just not gonna help anymore, since they already helped. And the dwarves don’t give a fuck. So it’s basically just down to men. Why not parlay with the giants?

Ever notice how the giants and the trolls always seem to fight on the evil side?

Someone just said Frau Blucher.

“The horses are restless. And the men are quiet.”

It’s come to the point where I can’t even joke about it anymore.

Eomer says they’re nervous because of the mountain.

It’s the road to the Dimholt. The door under the mountain. (Legolas tells us this too, of course.)

Eomer says the people who go there never return. The mountain is evil.

Colin:

Karl Urban is like the hipster of this franchise. Everything he says comes off as snippy or curt. “That mountain was evil. I’ll be over here, drinking a micro-brew.”

What the fuck?

“What the fuck?”

And then Gimli just goes, “Meh, let’s get some food.” And that’s the end of the scene.

Colin:

That was an abrupt interruption. But yes, let’s go find some food. He almost said ‘pussy.’ You know he almost said ‘pussy.’

Love those zig-zagging steps.

She’s getting him all made up to go to war.

I bet she’s gonna have him die his hair black, put a fake beard on and then hate fuck the shit out of him.

Do they make helmets that small?

And then he just whips out a sword the way Luke opens up his lightsaber the first time.

Colin:

He almost sliced her titties.

“It isn’t all that dangerous. It’s not even sharp.”

Yeah…

“You won’t kill many orcs with a blunt blade.”

Colin:

That’s what my doctor said when I asked him about ED.

I think my favorite line here is when he’s running away and she’s like, “To the smithy – go!” That shit amuses me to no end.

Colin:

Merry is a full 13 years older than Eowyn, and yet…the way she tells him to go to the ‘smithy’ sounds like teacher sending a third grader out to recess. How do these hobbits never get pissed off at how condescending everyone is to them?

“You should not encourage him.”

“You should not doubt him.”

“I do not doubt his heart.  Only the reach of his arm.”

Colin:

Eomer’s such a dick. I love it. He’s even got Gamling to laugh at his jokes. He’ll make a great king in about three days.

“Why should Merry be left behind? He has as much cause to go to war as you.”

“Is that a rhetorical question?”

“Why can he not fight for those he loves?”

Colin:

Ah, get it? She’s asking these rhetorical questions about Merry, but it’s really about her.

Colin:

Middle Earth’s really into precarious drops and precipices and stuff.

At least they’re not randomly built into the locations.

I love how he sleeps with his hand on his sword. That’s a motherfucker who chops first and asks questions later.

Ah, another sex dream.

Colin:

Mostly she just stays in bed. Or on the couch. Even though she ain’t got no movies to watch. I’m sure a lot of this is Mike’s influence, but I had to ask someone the other day what they do in their spare time if they’re not watching movies. I can’t recall the taste of food, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass what people do other than chill with friends or watch movies.

People watch TV now. They say they don’t have time for movies, but that’s because they watch hours of bullshit reality television and one hour network dramas. That’s always what it is.

Colin:

I guess that was always it. Like when you hear about someone watching Friends all the way through…for the fifth time. That’s a bit much.

I got no use for those people.

But back to the important point here — these elves don’t do SHIT. That’s all they do! Lay in bed and lounge around. And they get to live for like 8,000 years. Talk about a good fucking life.

There’s always someone watching when that happens.

Colin:

“Someone’s in your room, wake the fuck up!”

This guy is thoroughly freaked out. He almost got stabbed. It’s funny how he puts this long pause in between ‘sir’ and the actual message. Just a long, drawn out, awkwardly preggers pause.

“I was about to stab that motherfucker. He don’t even know…”

I like how a camp like this sets up its own set of social dynamics and neighborhood boundaries. As soon as the tents are down, you now need to remember what street your homies’ tents are on and how to get there. And you need to make sure you rep your tent street and keep the hooligans from up the block from comin’ on your turf and snatching up your salted pork.

Colin:

That’s the only food in this universe as far as you’re concerned, isn’t it? Mike walks into a Subway in Minas Tirith. “Yeah, lemme get a foot-long salted pork on lembas. No, no tomato jizz. Definitely no tomato jizz.”

Is that… not a possibility?

Also, what else have they showed us besides salted pork and lembas bread? Chicken, sure, but they don’t say chicken. And that doesn’t sound very Middle-Earthy, does it, Precious?

Emperor Palpatine? What are you doing here?

Does that make Theoden Lando in this situation?

Colin:

Absolutely not. I refuse.

I thought you had a great relationship with the blacks blacks.

Oh, it’s just Elrond Hubbard.

Colin:

What were Elrond and Theoden talking about before Aragorn showed up? I bet it was Theoden trying to make small talk. “So…you a rugby fan? Did you catch State of Origin last month? You look like a New South Wales bloke.”

Elves don’t make small talk. You know he was updating him as to where Sauron’s troops were.

I’m surprised Theoden wasn’t like, “So… not gonna send troops for this battle too?”

“I come on behalf of one whom I love.”

Which is great, because what he’s essentially saying is, “You know I have absolutely no stake in this whatsoever. I don’t care if you live or die. I don’t care if this entire planet goes up in flames. But my daughter seems to think that you’re okay. So if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t give a fuck about any of this shit.”

Which is great, since it’s his fault the ring still exists, essentially. Since if you knew men were weak to the power of the ring, then it’s your fault for not making sure it was destroyed.

He says Arwen is dying. The light of the Evenstar is fading.

Like that.

Colin:

Gotta be weird to see your daughter’s vajeen around some dude’s neck.

Subtitle.

Holy shit. Subtitle.

Arwen’s life is now tied to the fate of the ring.

Like Ginny Weasley?

Colin:

I’m not sure about the ‘dying’ claim. Like, she gave up her immortality — but that just means she’ll die sometime in the next hundred years or so, right? Which, in the scheme of an elf’s life is like a week. But is she actually tied to the fate of the world? As the evil grows, does she get weaker? How is this measured?

Anyway, they can’t win. Sauron is sending another army in secret.

From the river.

Colin:

It’s good that Elrond can see the future and shit. That’s helpful. He should just bet on some horse races and get the money to buy out all of Sauron’s mercenaries.

“You’re outnumbered, Aragorn. You need more men.”

But not elves, right? God forbid we make the elves get off the couch for more than an hour.

Colin:

This movie makes it look like there are…maybe six of them. Which is a good reason for them not to participate. They peaced out, and didn’t have numbers to begin with. SUPPOSEDLY. But we’ve only heard from Elrond and Galadriel — what about the elves of Mirkwood? Legolas’ people? What are THEY up to at the moment? Probably still partying.

Remember when we saw Erebor in this trilogy?

“There are none.”

No. There are some people. In the mountain.

Colin:

You say “the mountain” and the wind blows up. Is that this franchise’s ‘Frau Blucher?’

There are these guys.

Colin:

Ew. What’s wrong with your face?

Those guys? They believe in nothing. They answer to no one.

(Nihilists?)

Colin:

“They believe in nothing!” “Yeah, Lebowski!”

“They will answer to the king of Gondor.”

Was that planned? Were you just waiting to bust that out?

Colin:

LOOK AT THIS SHIT I HAD UNDER MY CLOAK THE WHOLE TIME!

Look at that face. “You mean to tell me I could have been wielding this shit for months now and you ain’t even do nothing about it?”

We now have an answer to ,”Who’s a guy gotta fuck to get a decent sword around here?”

Colin:

That’s a rather generous hilt.

People be doing a lot of slow sword touching around here. Apparently grasping a sword is a big deal.

You think there’s an outtake of this scene where Aragorn fumbles and drops it and Elrond gives him a look like, “Come on”?

Colin:

I bet that’s Hugo Weaving’s default look for people who are merely existing. I’m surprised he doesn’t make that face more around Aragorn, since we’re all familiar with how he feels about the way humans…stink.

Colin:

He does everything slowly, with this contemplative look on his face until he pulls it out REAL FAST like *SHING*

“The man who can wield the power of this sword can summon to him an army more deadly than any that walks this earth.”

He says that like wielding the power of this sword is more than just saying, “Hey, I’m related to some important people. So you gotta listen to what I say.”

“Put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be.”

Colin:

This is like a comic book arc. And it’s badass.

Elrond better be cool with this relationship, cause Aragorn’s basically the best man there ever was or ever will be. That’s just a reality.

And as a guy who lives abroad, I know the importance of speaking her parents’ language. That’s key.

He’s leaving.

She’s not happy.

“Why are you doing this?”

“You cannot abandon the men.”

Colin:

Didn’t he tell them that he’s going off to get some badasses and that he’ll be right back? I never got why characters sometimes refrain from explaining the little things that will reassure the people that are otherwise upset with them.

“You cannot leave!”

“Why have you come?”

“Do you not know?”

Colin:

Oh, he knows. She want the dick. It is known.

“It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek.”

Colin:

He just gave her the medieval version of, “It’s not you, it’s me.” And he’s right. It’s not that she’s only the niece of a lower, whatever king. It’s more that he’s an ACTUAL baller king, betrothed to an elven princess. I got an idea! Why don’t you marry the guy whose rule of Gondor is taken over by Aragorn and who becomes Aragorn’s subordinate? That’d suit you nicely. I’m glad Tolkien had an eye for castes. I’ve got no use for these Johnson & Johnson universes with no more tiers.

A+ for the pun.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Colin:

ROSES ARE RED VIOLETS ARE BLUE THE GRASS IS CUT AND SO ARE YOU BEEEOTCH!

“Just where do you think you’re off to?”

Colin:

I like people who are waiting for you to sneak out.

“Not this time.”

“Have you learned nothing of the stubbornness of dwarves?”

“You might as well accept it. We’re going with you, laddy.”

Colin:

Aragorn makes a half-baked face and we finally get to that point where this trio has been approaching for the whole franchise.

I like how all three of them just leave and don’t bother to say, “Hey, what we’re doing is important.”

“Why does he leave on the eve of battle?”

Colin:

It’s kinda weird that they consider Aragorn their captain, being that he’s all…Gondor, and stuff.

“He leaves because there is no hope.”

“He leaves because he must.”

Colin:

See? When the road that you have to take just happens to be where all the dudes you know are camped, it’s probably best to say something about what your plan is and how you’re not actually abandoning them all. After it’s been made clear so many times how important morale is, and how the men’s courage hangs by a thread and all that — maybe a word here or there could have made a difference. I know your style is to be silent and never tell people shit, but in this case, it could mean the difference between life and death for men who are now going to ride into battle all shaken up over the desertion of the one man they trusted to lead them.

Even fucking GAMLING tells everyone within earshot that Aragorn’s pussying out because they’re all completely fucked. This is the guy who’s supposed to be Theoden’s lieutenant; you’d think he would know how important it was not to fuck with everyone’s morale. Theoden steps in to say that Aragorn had to leave on some business, and he shoots Gamling a nasty look. He should have shot him in the fucking throat with a blow dart. We’ve got things tough enough as it is, and now you’re trying to freak everyone out, Gamling? You fucking jabroni!

This may be the first time I’ve respected Theoden. Gamling doubles down and whines about how they can’t defeat the armies of Mordor, and Theoden’s like, “You think I don’t know that, you pathetic jobber? Fucking Jobber the Hutt? I don’t give a shit if we can’t beat them — you’re my bitch and we’re gonna go fuck ‘em up anyway. You seem to think our lives, and especially yours, means something. You are deluded. Questions?”

I also like how nobody thinks to go, “But… he is leaving inside the mountain, where people apparently never return from. So obviously there’s something going on. Since I don’t think he’d rather die that way than with us.” They just assume, “Oh, well. We’re fucked.”

Nice shot.

How many times has she done this?

“Too few have come. We cannot defeat the armies of Mordor.”

“No. We cannot. But we will meet them in battle nonetheless.”

Hey… hey guys… guess what?

“I have left instruction. The people are to follow your rule in my stead.”

Colin:

But…but…you can’t let a woman rule! Look at England! That Elizabeth I ascended to the throne and after several centuries of expansion and world domination, the British Empire declined to just a mere superpower of above-average wealth.

“Take up my seat in the golden hall. Long may you defend Edoras if the battle goes ill.”

“What other duty would you have me to, my lord?”

Colin:

Hah! Doodie!

“I would have you smile again. Not grieve for those whose time has come.”

Colin:

Oh man. This guy’s ready to go down with the ship.

A+ if you guys understand why that was doubly hilarious.

“You shall live to see these days renewed. And no more despair.”

Colin:

These speeches make it so obvious, though. Just once, I want someone to make an impassioned speech like this and then live through whatever was about to kill them. And then it’s awkward when they’re like, “So…all that stuff I said before…I guess it’s still true, but just…I’m still king. I noticed you’ve already changed the tapestries. We’ll talk about that later.”

Colin:

Is this in New Zealand? Is this a real place? Holy shit. I want to go THERE.

Colin:

Oh, nice framing. This is like the jawas looking at R2 through the rocks.

And while we have these shots, Legolas exposits what’s going on.

Colin:

“Legolas Spouts Exposition,” or, “The Land Before Time 29: Is It Time Yet?”

All the ghosts in the mountain long ago swore allegiance to Isildur. And they fled the night before battle. So Isildur cursed them. And apparently it worked. So they can’t rest until they’ve fulfilled their pledge.

Colin:

Isildur cursed them? Do men have that power? Or was it just a normal curse? Like a ‘fuck you’ or something?

Colin:

“The very warmth of my blood seems stolen away!” This is Gimli’s shot at taking the most-hated line award away from Legolas and his, “They run as if the very whips of their masters were behind them!” How about you both very shut the fuck up?

“The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut.”

Colin:

Legolas can read.

What’s the Elvish word for “fuck you”?

Colin:

I’m thinking it’s something like ‘cantaloupe.’

Colin:

This cave has asthma.

I like how the horses have to run away, as if that’s the thing that’s gonna make them go, “Well… I guess we have no choice.”

“I do not fear death.”

Motherfucker just waltzes right in. I mean, it might be better if you couldn’t see him walk to the right afterward, and if he just disappeared into darkness, but still, it’s pretty badass.

Colin:

Someone took the time to set those skulls into the wall. That’s nice work.

“Well this is a thing unheard of. An elf will go underground when a dwarf dare not. I’d never hear the end of it.”

Colin:

This comic relief with Gimli would be okay if someone else was there and he wasn’t saying it so obviously to the audience. Asides work in Shakespeare, but not so much here.

Does that count as the first ending to the movie?

War time.

Colin:

Why are the Rohirrim hurrying like this to put out their fires and break camp? They were chilling the fuck out last night and knew they’d be leaving in the morning. When you can plan for this, you go to sleep early so that you can get up and do shit in time to leave without rushing or fucking anything up. It’s like how you set your clothes out and have everything 90 percent packed the night before an international flight. There’s no reason for these guys to be rummaging around furiously in the closet, throwing shit willy-nilly into a suitcase at the last minute.

Theoden then tells them to hurry up because they got a long drive ahead of them.

And he hopes they all peed before they left the house.

Colin:

Whenever Theoden opens his mouth to talk about stuff, he says the most obvious shit. “We gotta ride there. Everyone must be ready to fight when we arrive.” Oh really? I thought we were gonna take Segways and do a spa weekend once we got there so everyone would have fresh nails for the battle. Usually the team that scores the most points wins the game.

I like how Merry is saddling up a horse as if he can ride it by himself.

“Little hobbits do not belong in war, Master Merriodoc.”

“All my friends have gone to battle. I would be ashamed to be left behind.”

“It is a three day gallop to Minas Tirith, and none of my riders can bear you as a burden.”

So the rest of this battle is actually Three Days of the Gondor, then, huh?

“I want to fight!”

And then he says, “I will say no more,” and leaves.

Dick.

And yet… also kind of baller, since what better way to end a conversation?

Colin:

You will say no more? You’ve said too much already. The fact that you waste even ten seconds of your time on Merry while you’re in the middle of preparations for the greatest battle your kingdom will ever partake in shows how mediocre you are as a king.

What I don’t get is why he doesn’t explain it to him another way. Like, “You’re small, and they’ll fucking kill you. I don’t doubt your willingness to fight, but I like you, and I don’t want to see you dead. They’re too big for you. So how about you help us out in other ways?” People always seem to take the “you can’t do it” route and never go, “Well, you can run ammo back and forth” or something.

Though I guess when you run ammo back and forth, you end up letting someone get stabbed by creepy German guys.

Colin:

That was one of the most uncomfortable stabbings ever. He’s hyperventilating and saying ‘no’ a bunch of times…it was pretty awkward and upsetting. Not hilarious, like at the end of Pay it Forward.

They did pay that forward, right?

Aww.

I love how they just ride around him. You’re telling me none of those horses just decide to barrel him over?

Women in these franchises be having crazy arm strength.

“Ride with me.”

“My lady.”

Colin:

What if that was all an act so he could appear brave and get to stay behind anyway? Now she’s just kidnapped him and thrown him on a horse. He’s gotta pretend that’s what he wants.

Feudalism sucked.

What’s with that face?

This is great. These are some fucking numbers.

Colin:

That’s a lot of orcs. Love the siege towers up front. Someone set up a trebuchet.

Trolls playing drums.

Colin:

Those trolls are not retarded enough to play the drums. Which isn’t saying much.

So this is the door to the mountain.

It’s always nice when a mountain has a door.

Colin:

I want a pad like THIS. The first thing people should know about me is that I hate the sun. It’s not an emo thing, I just have sensitive eyes and my skin burns in a second, so I prefer cloudy days. This shit is PERFECT, though. Gollum lives in a shithole, but this is living undergound in style. Well, Erebor’s probably better, but fuck it.

I like how Gimli’s ready to fuck up anything that moves.

This is pretty cool. This place. Ghost hideout.

“Who enters my domain?”

Colin:

Look at how old this dude is. I bet his domain is Netscape.

“One who will have your allegiance.”

“The dead do not suffer the living to pass.”

“You will suffer me.”

Reaction shots.

Colin:

This dude needs some…something-plasty. Shit, he needs everything-plasty.

Colin:

He just laughed and a city appeared. Good business.

This is the proper reaction.

“Yes. That’s right. I got people.”

Y’all are spectrally surrounded.

Colin:

This is the same y’all are surrounded angle that they did in the first movie with the goblins surrounding them in Moria.

“The way is shut. Now you must die.”

Good job.

“I summon you to fulfill your oath.”

“None but the king of Gondor may command me.”

This is the proper response.

“That blade was broken.”

Colin:

Question, though. He can grab them, and put the blade to this dude’s throat, but he’s already dead. What happens to him if you slit his throat? Does he become DOUBLE dead? Like, he’d disappear? Cause that’s what happens later anyway. I’m confused as to how this is threatening to him.

“It has been remade.”

Colin:

What do you wanna bet he checked with Elrond that the new sword would block the ghost sword? “You’re SURE, though, right? I don’t wanna go to block and get chopped like an asshole.”

“Bitch.”

I also like this part. He lets the dude go and does a little shoulder shrug, like, “Yeah, that’s right. I’m the king of Gondor, motherfucker!”

Y’all are listening now, huh?

Now, my question is — why the fuck wouldn’t you entertain the notion that he just might be the king of Gondor? Who the fuck else would come here so brazenly and say, “Hey, buddy. You motherfuckers are fighting for us”?

“Fight for us, and regain your honor. What say you?”

And then he just walks through the crowd, scaring all the ghosts with his sword. Like, “Come on, fight for me. Or else I might just use this thing on all y’all.”

Colin:

Seriously, these guys are the fucking nuclear weaponry of Middle Earth. You’d think kings would purposely have vassals swear an oath, then bitch out on purpose so they could be cursed and then used in death. On a contractual basis, or whatever. Like selling your soul to the devil so you could chill while you were alive and then be an invincible ghost warrior for the kingdom for a few wars before being released from your oath.

“What say you?”

And the other great thing is that Gimli adds, “Meh, don’t bother. They were bitches in life, and they’re bitches in death.”

Pretty great how you can talk shit now that your very blood isn’t stolen away.

“I am Isildur’s heir. Fight for me.”

“And I will hold your oaths fulfilled.”

Hey, I just met you.

And this is crazy.

I’m Isildur’s heir.

So fight for me maybe.

“What say you?!”

Colin:

Ghost army? Why say you, indeed?

I say we’re about to have us a fucking fight.

“Can Gondor come out to play?”

Nice shot.

Though that’s kind of weird that the horse was just trotting up right in front of this gigantic army and no one did anything about it.

Did they just leave him outside this whole time, is that it? Because there’s really no way that horse is getting there like five minutes before the army is.

Armor-piercing arrows. Nice.

Wouldn’t it be fucked up if they dragged Faramir in and left the horse outside?

Orcs don’t ride horses, do they?

He’s so happy.

Colin:

How was this particular orc chosen to lead the whole army? I know the Witch King of Angmar is telling him what to do, but he’s kind of the field marshall here. What makes this orc so special? Apparently his name is Gothmag, and he only gets one line in the book. Jackson decided to make something out of his character and draw it out. So we have no idea what he’s all about.

Look at this motherfucker, just strolling along on his… thing.

Colin:

I love how this warg is just shitty to all the orcs it walks past.

Is that Middle Earth Rhys Ifans?

Colin:

Just like every other time someone says this, the guy yells, “Quick! Hurry!” and the dudes following him with the stretcher continue walking at exactly the same speed. I’m really not sure why that line was even put in there.

Wow, this place is built right next to the mountain. That’s so terrific.

And also very defensible.

Colin:

It’s good to have your back to stuff that doesn’t move.

“My son!”

“My boy!”

I’ll spare you the link.

… who am I kidding, no I won’t.

Colin:

The fuck did you expect, asshole? You told him you wished he’d died instead of Boromir and then sent him to almost certain death. I’m amazed his horse even made it back.

“Fear. The city is rank with it. Let us ease their pain. Release the prisoners.”

Colin:

I don’t like looking at you, sir.

Well that’s just fucked up.

Colin:

That’s fucked up, right there.

Look at that fucking helmet back there.

It looks like a fifty year old is playing Pippin.

Don’t act like this was the first stop on the crazy train, buddy.

“My line has ended.”

Colin:

Your line has ended for the time being. You better get to fucking RIGHT now.

That ain’t the only problem you got there, buddy.

That sucks. It’s such a nice city, too. Why would you destroy it like that?

Colin:

Just paint it black and run that shit like you did in Minas Morgul. This place would look amazing in black. I like it in white. Black or white. Apple should make Minas Tiriths.

Yeah, but all those iSgiliath updates…

“Ha ha. Fuck you.”

“Rohan has deserted us.”

Deserted you? Remember when you didn’t call them and weren’t going to call them and you were being shifty in the darkness when someone did call them?

Colin:

How has Theoden betrayed him? This is like Theoden in the last movie. YOU DIDN’T CALL FOR HELP YOURSELF!

How about having them do something instead of letting your place get destroyed?

“Abandon your posts! Flee! Flee for your lives!”

Or do that.

GREAT MOMENT.

“Motherfucker.”

Colin:

Rafiki.

“Prepare for battle.”

Colin:

Gandalf does work. People will follow a wizard. Shit, I would. I wanna see some bitches get electrocuted or whatever he’s about to do.

Colin:

All the same, it’s pretty pathetic how these guys are all fleeing cause it’s just something to do and when Gandalf tells them to return to their posts, they all turn around and go, “Oh yeah, we could just do that. Okay.”

Colin:

Riding up stairs on a horse is awesome.

They’re literally just throwing rocks at each other.

Colin:

Here come the trebuchets! But why did you have to wait until Gandalf told you to fire? Wouldn’t you just be…firing? There are so many bad guys, you can’t miss. Don’t wait for an order. Just launch.

ROCK FIGHT!

That was badass.

“Ahhhh.”

Colin:

That IS how you make your troops respect you. “Seven ton rock about to hit me in the face? SHING! TOO FAST!

I like the troll look in between, too. He’s waiting to be told about the rabbitses.

Nazgul. Oh, they’re going all out with this one.

Why not throw the rocks at those?

Colin:

NOBODY GOT THE MEMO ABOUT BOILING THE OIL WHY IS NOBODY BOILING OIL

That’s the job I’d have that no one else would think to do.

He’s flying that thing like the Red Baron.

Colin:

I can’t understand how these Nazgul mounts aren’t getting their wings caught on pointy rooftops as they fly so low like this.

That’s how you scare the shit out of a city. Pick their people up and drop them on the rest of them.

Oh, here we go.

It’s funny that Gandalf has to shout directions for them, because they seem like they’re too stupid to figure it out for themselves.

Colin:

Pippin looks like he just woke up on day four of spring break, having passed out sometime during night two.

Gandalf’s throwing down!

Fuck, that was awesome.

Colin:

But seriously. Rafiki.

Colin:

Oooooh you just got Peregrin TOOK, son!

Colin:

He killed one, so now he can retreat.

Colin:

What in the [middle] world are those animals? It looks like the Tolkien version of whatever Anakin was fighting and then riding in Attack of the Clones.

His body is ready.

What the fuck is that thing?

Colin:

I feel like that battering ram is supposed to look like a wolf, but it looks like a weasel to me. Which is still cool. Wolf or weasel, when it busts down your door, you run.

That’s like, hell pig or something. What purpose is that gonna serve? Why would your battering ram be something other than a big fucking log? If it’s gonna be anything, shouldn’t it be a ram?

But I guess you have a point. It is that fear element. Imagine if you saw that thing coming to break down your door.

Not that Pippin has any hair on his chinny-chin-chin.

And this is where we’ll END PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and one more stabbed face for the road.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

http://bplusmovieblog.com