Fun with Franchises: Twilight (2008), Part I — “So Many Shots of Deer Asshole”

Today we start a new franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Which is just a stupid fucking name. I really want to just call it Twilight, but will continue to call it the Twilight Saga, at least in my intro, because of how stupid it is. A fucking saga… kiss my dick.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the first part of Twilight:

Twilight - Title Card

Made by Summit Entertainment.

Summit Entertainment Logo

This is the movie that put them on the map.

I mean, it’s basically Lionsgate, but still, no one knew what Summit was before they had this.

But anyway, I guess I should open with some information, so you can all understand what the deal is with this one.

When we decided to do these articles, Colin and I figured we pretty much had to do this franchise. Neither of us had a particular affinity for it, but we’d also never watched it. So I thought this was as good a time as any for me to see the films, since I’d be able to watch them closely and formulate a legitimate opinion on them, rather than just hate them blindly for the fact that I knew they were shit and that teenagers liked them anyway.

So, Colin and I had not watched a single frame of these films before we sat down to watch them for these articles. So our opinions are completely unvarnished, and come completely pure, as we’re watching.

We also, as always, watched them separately, and have not (as of the writing of this sentence) compared our notes or thoughts on the movie at all.

We’ve pretty much stayed radio silent on these until now. We wanted each other to read the other’s reactions for the first time in the articles, and we won’t compare final thoughts either until that article is ready to go up.

We feel this will provide for maximum entertainment for everybody.

And are you not entertained?

So let’s get started with this franchise.

Just like a vampire, we’re going in… cold.


Let me start this by saying – I’m horrified by the fact that I’m watching this.

Twilight - 1

We begin over black:

“I’ve never given much thought to how I would die.”

I’m sure, over the course of these movies, I will.


I have given thought to how I might die, and I hope it’s by assassination. Cause in the end, you’re just dead, but assassination is really the only way that you can go out knowing that you were important enough to warrant offing. Nothing says “you matter” like an assassination.

And then we fade up to…

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One of the most riveting opening shots in the history of cinema.

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So riveting, the camera shakes as they pan up.

Apparently their budget only allowed for one take of this.

Either that or they went, “…meh,” and left it in.

I’m going with option B.

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Oh, nice. A book about vampires and werewolves, and we begin on a deer’s asshole.


We open on a deer’s asshole.

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“But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go.”

You mean like… in their place, as a substitute, or in their place like, “I’ll show you and your new girlfriend,” as you cut your wrists on their king-sized bed?

It’s important to ask questions.


Dying in the place of someone you love? I guess I could do that. You’d have to make it look thug, though. “Yeah, I’ll die for you. It’s Tuesday. That’s what I do on Tuesdays. Just… not next Tuesday.”

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You guys realize we’re literally watching a deer eat, right?

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Mangy little fucker, too.

I hope somebody Yearling’s it.


Someone doe this deer this female deer like Bambi’s mom got did.

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What the fuck is with these handheld shots? Is Gollum gonna pop out and tear into its jugular?


Is this Predator vision?! Please let this be Predavision.

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Oh, wait, is that actually happening?

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Run, deer, run from this movie!

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This is actually what happened to Bambi’s mother, right?

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So many shots of deer asshole.


Ten bucks on the doe.

I got my money on ze Germans.

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There’s actually no suspense at all when we have no idea what’s chasing it.

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All right.


This dude is running through the woods that fast? What’s the purpose of whatever is going on? Is this going to be a guy just chasing a deer because he can? I hope he eats it.

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Well isn’t this just fucking riveting?

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Tally what the fuck is happening right now?

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All… right.

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Are we gonna wake up in a train station?

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Is this a J.J. Abrams movie?

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American Goth.

“So, I can’t bring myself to regret the decision to leave home.”

A hoe and a cactus. That’s what this shot is.


This chick is way too pale and it upsets me. That’s what this franchise is going to be, isn’t it? Five movies of pale people? Goddamn it. I left the US because of this shit.

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“I would miss Phoenix.”

So the cactus and the lens flare means we’re in Phoenix?

Also, you look like you’re enjoying the sun right now. Why would you miss it?

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*sigh* … isn’t being 16 so complicated?

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How can you miss Phoenix if you’ve never been to Phoenix? I only ask because nobody who’s ever been to Phoenix misses it. Ever.

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She’s been on screen for twelve seconds and already she’s bit her lip.

“I’d miss the heat.”

Why would you miss the heat? Nobody misses humidity.

Cold weather is so much better.


You’d miss the heat? It’s 91 degrees in Tokyo as I write this, and I want to slap you silly. Global warming is happening, bitch. It’s a luxury to live someplace cold. When people on Game of Thrones say that ‘Winter is coming,’ I always reply, “I FUCKING WISH.”

He actually does, though. Writes letters and everything. He even addresses them to “The House of Stark, Winterfell.” We tell him they get there, but it’s like when kids mail letters to Santa.

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“I would miss my loving, erratic, hare-brained mother.”

Why is she saying “would”? I thought she did leave home.

Which – what the fuck is going on right now?

“I never gave too much thought to how I’d die. But I would die for someone I loved. So because of that, I don’t regret leaving home. But I would miss the heat, and my mother…”

This doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. You said you can’t bring yourself to regret leaving home, and are now talking in hypothetical about what would happen if you did leave home.

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The Kristen Stewart. Her one facial expression.


Your mom looks like a tool.

Your mom looks like she’s DTF.

What up, tool lady? How you doin’?

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“And her new husband.”


So does her tool husband.

This is Phoenix? This looks like a soundstage that just got done shooting a Randolph Scott quickie.

And I’m not even talking about a B picture.


Look at that place and tell me why you would miss it. It looks like someone dumped a bunch of litter on Tatooine.

Phoenix is a hive of scum and villainy.

Apparently Moms and John Cena there are going on a road trip, and she’s going to stay with her dad.

Which… that means it’s not even your decision to leave home.

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“And, this will be a good thing.”

Holy shit. I think we just cracked the code of good writing.

“And this will be a good thing.”

This is almost biblical.

This is almost Gump.

“I think.”

∴ She is.


Or cogito ergo sumthing.

Oh. Right. My bad. I was putting Descartes before the horse.

Twilight - 40

Does this street really have two houses on it?

This looks like where one of my safe houses was in San Andreas.


This is also the first series since Bond (save for a few isolated incidences during Harry Potter) where I can comment on the cars. Which is exciting, because even though the cars in this franchise won’t matter – or so I expect – they’re still something I can comment on, complain about and draw hopelessly unfounded conclusions from.

Case in point, look at this sorry piece of shit they’re driving. It’s a 1995 Subaru Legacy wagon. Nice wheels. This thing is a box to keep your airbags in. I don’t know if they were going for the sad vibe when they chose this car (because someone at some point did have to make a choice about what car they would use), but it’s certainly working for me. I’m depressed already. This thing is in its twilight years, that much is for sure.

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Honestly, if it weren’t for the humidity, I’d love living in the desert.

Though, I guess… air conditioning.

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Just in case you weren’t sure how she’s gonna get to where she’s going.


Aw, look. She’s flying Southwest Airlines, because they couldn’t just get a white plane that looks like any other airline. I hope they got paid for that, because you can’t really feature a purple and orange plane and claim it doesn’t have the same effect as product placement.

It might be unintentional product placement. Since… that is the plane you’d use to get from Arizona to Washington. Maybe it’s just good continuity. If it were Qantas, then it might have been product placement.

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This looks nice.

Maybe because it has nothing to do with the movie.

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I like all of the things in this shot. Except the stupid music playing over it and the plot that happens around it.


What the fuck is this stupid song? Shit. I just got off three franchises with amazing scores.

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P.S. for those paying attention – wide shots of cities and opening voiceover.

If you’ve watched enough movies, you know that I don’t need to watch another second of this movie to know what I’m in for.

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Why does her dad look like he desperately wants to be cast on Miami Vice?


Is this a cop? Why is she in the car with a cop? Is this her dad? Cause if her dad is a cop, that’ll certainly add some juiciness to the plotlines of her running around with adolescent boys.

He means because he has a flavor saver.

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Don’t complain about the rain, you ungrateful brat. I got your tone. Rain sustains life. Every planet gets sun. Ours gets rain. Go live on Mars.

The city of Forks. “Population 3,120 people.”

I highly doubt it’s as round a number as that.


This could be like the Canadian penny, which is currently being phased out. When they’re completely out of circulation in four years or so, everything in Canada will have a price that ends in a 5 or a 0. I’d buy that a rural town would treat people like that.

I think we should phase out the penny, too. The price thing doesn’t necessarily need to happen, but it would be cool if we did a thing where, at every transaction, all our change is given back in increments of 5 or 0, and all the leftover pennies accumulated and we were just cut a check at the end of the year for all the extra cents. Because we just toss that shit aside anyhow.

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“And this is where I’m moving.”

Oh, shut the fuck up, you cunt. You could have gone off with your mother and her new husband or you could have ran away.

I’ll tell you right now, I saw that father of yours for about four seconds and I know for a fact that if you said you wanted to go away to boarding school until you went to college, he’d gladly put up the money for that. So spare me the fucking crocodile tears, sister.


3,120 people, eh? Are any of them as awful as you’ve turned out to be for these first two minutes?

Oh, man. That is Washington, though. I used to spend my summers between Maine and Washington (I can’t believe how white that makes me sound) and the car difference is uncanny. Maine was 80s Camaros, and Washington was pickup trucks. Both are hell for a car person.

Pretty sure that’s a potential autobiography title for you. I Can’t Believe How White That Makes Me Sound.

A sequel to Maybe We Were Always Assholes.

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She is the female Keanu Reeves. A walking Kuleshov Effect.

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“My dad’s Charlie. He’s the chief of police.”

All the stylistic flourish of Ernest Hemingway.

And all the voiceover flourish of Nicolas Cage.


The chief of police. That’s original. Teenage girl whose dad is the chief of police.

What’s next? She’s gonna be dating an outsider boy and be best friends with the valedictorian?

Good thing we’re not riddled with cliches in this franchise.

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There are more power lines in this town than people.


Logging truck! Yeah! I was obsessed with these when I was like two years old. When you’re two, trucks are the shit.

When I was two, my diaper was the shit.

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Awkward relationships.


I can’t believe this dialogue. If it’s to make things awkward between the two of them, then it’s certainly working. That’s what hair does – it grows.

He says her hair is longer since he last saw her. She says she cut it. It’s supposed to mean that he knows nothing about her. Or maybe it’s because he doesn’t have any fucking time to remember what his daughter’s hair looked like three years ago while he’s busy HAVING A JOB.

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You know you’re in a rural area when you park your car on the lawn.


The thing in Maine was always that people would have like 4 cars on their lawn and only one that worked. It’s like Zukovsky and his helicopters in GoldenEye. “I have six.” “Three. None that fly.”

The most incredible rural Maine moment I ever had was when I visited my brother when he lived in Portland. We went to Home Depot, and he bought a $450 Honda pressure washer to do all sorts of stuff with. It was very cool. On the way home with the $450 Honda pressure washer, we passed a $400 Honda Accord for sale on someone’s front lawn. That’s $450 for a 5hp Honda pressure washer and $400 for a 145hp Honda sedan. That’s rural America.

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Did she seriously bring a fucking cactus with her?


An even shittier movie than this would keep coming back to it in a sad Beauty and the Beast way, so that when she fully gave herself over to Forks and its boys, they’d either have it dying or show her tossing it in the garbage.

You know what’s funny? Of all the Twilight movies, this is the one that didn’t get nominated for any Razzies.

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Do people really use that kind of luggage in real life?

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He tells her he’ll clear off some shelves in the bathroom and she goes, “Oh right… one bathroom.”

Kill this bitch. Seriously. This line is doubly offensive, aside from the cunty condescension, because of how Dick in the Ass expository it is.

Why the fuck does it matter how many bathrooms this place has? I lived on a hall with twenty people and two bathrooms. And one of the showers flooded. You can share a bathroom with one person. And it’s not like the place you moved out of was any bigger. You’re telling me that place had two bathrooms?


Was she EXPECTING two baths? Most houses in the US are one full bath or one and a half. This is a good-sized place, but I guarantee the place in Phoenix didn’t have two bathrooms. Other than Phoenix, which is itself a toilet.

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Is that picture supposed to be foreshadowing or something?

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Apparently this bitch ain’t satisfied with her room.

Why couldn’t she just stay in the other place, again? It’s not like they sold it. They’re just going out on the road for whatever amount of time. Can’t she just stay in the house and live there and they leave her a stipend each month for food and shit? None of this makes any sense.


Knowing what I now know about Bella, I wouldn’t trust her to handle shit. I’m pretty sure she’s flat out incompetent when it comes to ANYTHING. This is the type of girl who, left to her own devices, would be the one to die of something ridiculous like botulism. Like, that old as hell can of whatever with the distended lid? She’d eat that. And then probably whatever was inside.

Most Likely to Get Eaten by a Dinosaur.

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Reading is sexy.

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Such a loving relationship.


The awkward is killing me.

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“One of the best things about Charlie – he doesn’t hover.”

Deal much with people who glide ten inches off the ground, do you?


She calls her dad Charlie? I can think of only two things with that name. Charlie Gordon, and John Steinbeck’s dog Charley. So which are you, Dad? Retard-turned-genius-turned-retard, or a French standard poodle? Oh, or an impoverished British boy-turned-candy magnate?

Have you guys seen Milk?

Twilight - 62

Shit, this room is bigger than my room back home. What the fuck are you so unhappy about?


Mine too. In fact, this room is at least as big as my APARTMENT in Japan. She can go fuck herself. I’m paying for this shit.

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Ah, some Native American neighbors.


Whoa, what’s with the truck? That’s a 1963 Chevy C-10. That’s what everyone was driving in this town 45 years earlier. I approve of this vehicle. A ’59 or earlier would have been better, but…you take what you can get.

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So you just go outside? Usually the parent is the impetus for the meeting. You’re just going the fuck out there for like, no reason.

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Jesus, who directed this? What the fuck is this staging? She walks at the camera, the camera goes RIGHT up to her face, and then pivets around to the scene?

Oh, right… Catherine Hardwicke directed this.

That explains it.

Look at Taylor Lautner’s face.

And what’s with the random dude just standing on his porch over there?

This is some Halloween shit.


I didn’t catch that before and now I’m fucking terrified of that person. 

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His last name is Black. I didn’t catch his first name. But he’s crippled.


They prefer the term “go-tarded.”

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Wow, he looks like a tool.


This guy needs to stop smiling this much.

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They’re playing wheelchair games back there.

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Will you stop smiling like a fucking idiot? We get it. They gave you new teeth.

“Hi, I’m Jacob.”

I don’t get it. You knew Wheels from back when, but you’ve never met his son before? You’re like, the same age. How the fuck is that possible?

“We used to make mud pies when we were little.”

So basically what just happened was, “Hi, I’m Jacob. You know who I am.”



THIS is the JACOB that I’ve heard so much about? Oh, that’s it, I’m Team Edward cause even Robert Pattinson looks less creepy that this.

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I like how the other actors know when to come back to the scene. Bad writing and bad directing.

Now all we need is bad acting and… oh, right.

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He’s giving her the truck.

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She’s so, so thrilled.

He bought it off the cripple.

He had no use for it.

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Wait… wait a minute…

He’s a werewolf, right? And the other people are vampires, right?

That really does make this about the Crips and the Bloods!

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Look at that acting.

That’s right, girl. You’re gonna get eaten out by a director right in that front seat.

Also, isn’t it funny that we have no fucking idea what her name is yet? Not one. They didn’t bother to tell us the MAIN CHARACTER’S NAME!

These franchises really only have two speeds. Not telling you anything, or, “I have a bad feeling about this, Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”


Have they really not told us her name yet? I guess I was so caught up with how much awful is proactively in this movie that I missed how many important things have been left out.

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“This is perfect!” she says, after already complaining about the small town, the single bathroom, and her room.


“What the fuck is this piece of shit?” “Your present!” “I LOVE IT!”

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I can’t tell if that was a mistake they kept in or something shitty they thought would make the scene more authentic.


She slams him with a car door. I can’t tell whether any of this is serious or if I should be laughing.

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“I told you she’d love it.”

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“I’m down with the kids.”

Wait, what?


“Oh yeah, dude. You’re the bomb.” I bet Stephanie Meyer ACTUALLY thinks that’s a thing.

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How come he just got in the car with her? She didn’t once ask him to hop in. He just did. How is she okay with this?

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And now he’s teaching her to drive a stick.

(I bet he is.)

This dialogue is riveting.

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Lip bite!

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She asks if he wants to ride to school with her.

He goes to school on reservation.


He needs a reservation to go to school? HAH! I bet morning attendance is like, “Black, party of 1? Black, party of 1?”

Charlie has a great relationship with the Blacks.

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She feels like an idiot.

I don’t have to tell you this, of course, because the nuance of facial acting is practically doing all the work for me.

“That’s too bad, it would have been nice to know one person.”

You do realize you still know one person, right?

Also, it’s fucking school. Meet people, you sensitive cunt. “Oh, now I won’t know ANYBODY!” It’s called social interaction. Try it.


She doesn’t have any reservations about telling this guy how she feels.

He’s a Native American, she’s a naïve American.

Also, why does he look like he wants to bang her in EVERY shot?


Because he does want to bang her in EVERY hole shot.

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And now we just cut to her going to school.


Don’t forget that we’re dealing with teenage girls here. Cutting is one thing that’s probably a safe bet.

Apparently not safe enough.

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I love it when high schools tell you what their mascot is, like anybody gives a flying fuck.

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“My first day at a new school. It’s March, middle of the semester. Great.”


Unless you’re writing it in a journal like Doug, this is not okay.


What’s the black kid doing, anyway? He’s all, “Hold this bag o’ cess, ho.” I hope.

Hold This Bag O’ Cess, Ho.

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And apparently people are laughing at her truck. Because it seems like this is how high school works.

Pretty sure in my high school, the fact that someone had a car was impressive.


I actually had a column in my high school paper interviewing the students with the best and worst cars at the school. And at the end of every “worst car” column, I always added how it was better than your dumbass bike.

I stopped reading at “I had a column in my high school paper.”

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Why do all movie high school people act like movie high school people? Not once have I seen high school depicted the way high school actually is. Ever.


I think Hollywood (or novelists) sometimes has an inflated idea of how shitty and forward American high school kids are. This guy gives her a snarky comment about her truck, even though it IS a sweet ride and even though she’s the type of girl that would be pretty popular with the guys at the average American high school. She could show up in just about any vehicle, but if any straight guys said anything to her at all, it wouldn’t be snarky.

I never understood that. All movie high schools have people just say shit to other people. It doesn’t work like that. Another word high school movies overuse — “freak.” Usually these two things coincide. And it’s awful. I still haven’t found a high school movie that feels like actual high school yet. Not one.

And if at any point you think there is a movie that’s realistic to high school, you’re probably a cunt.

Also, “Great.” What the fuck? Seriously. How about not complaining about something for once?


How’d she get the best parking spot in the place? And why is she leaving the window down after complaining about how it rains all the time?

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“Nice ride.”

Was that racist? I wanna feel like that was racist.

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I like how there’s clearly a “No Parking” sign right under where she’s walking.


“I’m smiling now cause this guy gave me a bag o’ cess!”

What’s amusing to me is how full these backpacks look in these shots.

Pretty sure backpacks stopped being necessary for me after like, sophomore year of high school. Pretty sure my junior year, I only came to school with a single notebook and a newspaper. One to pretend like I did shit and the other to read throughout the day.

Are there schools where people’s backpacks are actually filled with stuff?

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Why is she in slo-mo here?

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“You’re Isabella Swan, the new girl.”

That’s not how that fucking happens. Also, WHY IS HE ASIAN?! WHAT THE FUCK?!



She’s tripping balls, too.

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Apparently he’s the “eyes and ears” of this place.

Not gonna touch that with a slanted pole.


Who the FUCK is this guy? “The eyes and ears of this place?” Why is high school all of a sudden a PRISON where there’s a guy that you can see about getting stuff for you or getting information? This is not how high school works AT ALL.

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He says if she needs anything, he’s the guy.

“I’m really kind of the more… suffer in silence type.”

I assure you, I am not that type.

Kill me now.

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Apparently he’s putting her on the front page of the newspaper.

Like those things still exist.

They can’t even afford music in school.

“Please don’t,” she asks, with such yearning and fluctuation of tone.


This acting is SHITTY.

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“Whoa, whoa, chillax…”

Kill everyone in this movie. Right now.


I don’t think you’re a person. Plus, for a rural town of 3,120, this place has a huge high school that’s full of minorities.

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Time for volleyball.

Gym class looked nothing like this.

I remember gym class being – it started at, say, 10:15. It would take a good… five minutes to get everyone out on the floor. Then five minutes of just fucking around and paying basketball or whatever. Then they’d sit all forty of us in rows and they’d take attendance. That would take a good… five minutes. Then they’d go over whatever bullshit they’d have to go over. Maybe try some bullshit exercises that were watered down so all the out of shape kids could do them. Then they’d try to do something productive, and we’d have a good, twenty minutes of actual time to do shit, which of course had to be split up in groups, since the gym couldn’t fit all the teams they broke us into. So there’d be a ten minute match between Team 1 and 2, while Teams 3 and 4 would sit and watch, and then they’d switch for about ten minutes. Of course, just putting us into Teams 1-4 would take a good five minutes as well.

Gym class really started sucking after elementary school. Once there was no more rainbow parachute, there was no point to any of it.


My high school gym class was decent. We had class periods of more than 50 minutes, so it was almost a full 50 minutes of time doing shit. And they didn’t mess around. Archery, ultimate frisbee, capture the flag, shit like that. It was a good time. Except for the time when Taedra got pantsed and she was wearing a thong. We didn’t need to see that. Taedra wasn’t the type you wanted to see in that way.

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Black girl.

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White girl.


Question. Do most people’s schools do this, where you have a gym uniform? Everyone in the same color shorts or pants and shirts? Cause Bella’s the only one wearing the wrong color pants here. Everyone else has the blue and grey. Was my school district weird because kids just wore whatever gym clothes they wanted? I doubt it. This is probably a Hollywood thing, because I know they did this shit in the ’50s, or whenever. I’m thinking of all the other Hollywood movies that do this. Superbad. Comes to mind.

My school would do that. We had to wear the shirt and or shorts and sweatpants. Generally I just put the pants on over my jeans, because I really just didn’t give a fuck. I always got stuck having gym at like, 8:15 or something. And who the fuck wants that? It’d be cool if I could play basketball or football with people for a good hour and get the blood going, but this was literally, get up at 7 (after having gone to bed at like, 3), get ready, go to school, sit there, and maybe do shit for 20 minutes, on a really good day. So I wasn’t doing anything.

Gym class was so stupid. And they gave us grades, as if you could grade someone on fucking GYM.

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That black girl got some titties on her.

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Wilson’s cousin, Spalding.

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I like how they SHOWED YOU how to play the game, and yet you still did that.

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White people are so bad at stuff.

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I know that Spalding is Wilson’s cousin, but it still makes me think of Spalding Smails from Caddyshack.


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“I’m so sorry. I told them not to let me play.”

Oh god. So she’s the type to complain about everything AND have low self-esteem?

This is what children are becoming.

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I like how he shoos the other guy off. “Nah, I’ll be back in a minute. I got some pussy to attends to first.”


Is this a thing? Has this been a thing since the 50s? The girls play a girly sport and the guys play a guy sport?

Him having that tattoo is cool in this high school? This town is pretty small. You’d think they’d be super conservative.

Plus, who opens up a tattoo shop in a town of 3,000 people?

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“You’re Isabella, right?”

“Just Bella.”

What an egotistical name choice.

I mean, it’s not, but… from what I know about this character… it is.

Fuck her.

Oh god, and his name is Mike? Don’t bring me into this.


His name is Mike. Newton. He doesn’t seem to be an asshole, and as far as I know he isn’t a supernatural being of any sort. Date and marry him. Franchise concluded.

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And there’s… Anna Kendrick.

What’s she… was this always a thing? Was she always in these movies?

How’d they get legitimate people in this?


Anna Kendrick was in this? What are we betting she starts out as the nice girl/friend type but ends up being a loathsome bitch that gets into fights with Bella over boy issues?

I’m betting against that, since that’s assuming this franchise is gonna be able to stick to character development all the way through.

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Apparently her name is Jessica.

Generic white people names.

At least we didn’t get the full first and last name. I hate that. With the burning passion of a thousand suns with a thousand venereal diseases.

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“Hey you’re from Arizona, right?”

I find it suspect that everyone in the school has a dossier on her before she even shows up.

You have to figure… in a town with 3,000 people, the high school must have like… what… 400 kids? Which is like, 100 per grade? Even that’s too big a number for people to be that in tune with new people.


I’d expect the high school to be much smaller than 400 kids, but it’s still suspect as to why they’d all know this shit.

You have to understand, I come from a high school with 4,000 kids, so to me, 400 kids is like, beyond the smallest number I can possibly conceive. Like, “What? You had classes without 40 kids in them?”

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“Aren’t people from Arizona supposed to be like, really tan?”


Good question. Why ARE you so pale?

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I’d say reaction shots are the key to comedy, but… I’m pretty sure this is how she’d react if she found out her parents were dead.


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It’s funny how her acting style involves about four movements. The lip bite, the head down, the furrowed brow, and the slightly confused face.

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It’s funny how her acting style involves about four movements. The lip bite, the head down, the furrowed brow, and the slightly confused face.


She says that’s why they kicked her out. You know how awful (or Mexican) you have to be to get kicked out of ARIZONA?

Yes :(

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“You… you’re good, you.”

Wait, holy shit, he actually says that.


Oh wow. “You! You’re good!

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She’s supposed to be the annoying one, isn’t she?

I forgot she has a type.


Anna Kendrick is really good at being perky.

Oh, that’ll be proved correct in a bit.

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Try doing this in real life, see how that goes. Just walk away like that. Everyone is bound to go, “What the fuck is wrong with that person?”

The best is that people who do that think they were awkward and misunderstood before they did that.

She plays herself off like this in real life, too.

I cringe at the thought of how many tween girls watch this and go, “Oh my god, this is me!”


And you should know, tween girls reading this, that of the 7.3 billion people alive today and the 107+ billion that have ever lived, not a single one knows how you feel. Oh, that’s my mistake. Billions know how you feel. Not a single one CARES.

Attention tween girls — don’t try to emulate anything you see in a movie marketed toward you.

I hope my daughter ends up being the weird kid. Like, the one who wants to go to school dressed as Groucho Marx. Because those people end up being the best adults.

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Well hello, boobies.

You said something about being perky?

Also, is that chick in the back trying to throw up a gang sign?

Way to run a right ship, Catherine Hardwicke.

This looks like chaos.



It is my gift, it is my curse.

All right then.

(But look at that little knee bend the Asian’s got going on. Got that ass sticking out. All right all right all right.)

(Not a big fan of the WNBA monster standing next to her, though.)

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Ha ha… letterman jackets. Like those actually are things that exist anymore.

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He’s holding a chair out for her.

That means he’s not even trying to get laid. Which either means he’s gay or completely whipped. And I’m assuming by Anna Kendrick.

Also, remember when she was all like, “It would be nice to know one person”? Bitch, now you know three. And you weren’t even trying.


I’d like to draw your attention to the flags hanging on the windows because there’s something you should notice here. Let’s start from the right, which — if I’m not completely mistaken — is the Soviet-era Croatian flag. Moving left, we have the Spanish flag, the Danish flag and the Japanese flag.

You could make a Japanese flag out of a tampon.

Said Mike, contributing positively as he usually does.


Just to the left of Bella’s head, we see the Scottish flag, which is almost as weird as the Soviet-era Croatian flag. Then the Peruvian flag, and — this is what I wanted to point out — the NORTH KOREAN FLAG. What the fuck is the NORTH KOREAN FLAG doing in this school between Peru and India? I’m baffled at why this is here.

This is a movie, so there are three possibilities: they used an existing school that has it up for some weird reason; they purposely looked for a North Korean flag and hung it prominently in multiple shots; or they bough a shit ton of cheap flags and hung them indiscriminately, without thinking of who they might go to. Yay, Scotland! Yay, Croatian Soviets! Yay, North Koreans! In the next shot we can see Ghana, as well. I really can’t be sure, but I think the light blue one next to the red and yellow Scottish flag is the flag of Antarctica. Which…wow.

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Why are all the uninteresting people friends?


You know who’s in high school? Not these people.

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“You met my homegirl Bella!” Seriously, though. Nobody talks like this. You need to stop writing for teenagers. I bet the actors were all like, “You want me to say WHAT? HOW? Okay, if that’s what you want…” Although, this Asian guy was already 27 at the time of filming so maybe he thought 15 year olds ACTUALLY talk like that.

And it looks like we’ve got Nigeria and quite possibly the Empire of Vietnam on the far left.

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And the Greek flag, apparently. Did you guys know I knew about flags?

Which is really helpful, since I know about boobies.

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What the fuck?!

That’s complete sexual harassment.


Is that not sexual harassment? Now there’s something that does happen in high school that apparently they didn’t get into. A surprise kiss out of nowhere from a dude is gonna land some people in guidance.

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Look at that girl in the back. “OH SHIT, SON!”

It also looks like the guy back there is ready to start a pie fight.

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She’s so thrilled to be getting attention.

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These movies are gonna be real hard for me to watch. I can tell it now.

I can’t side with a person who shrinks when they get attention. Even if you are embarrassed, you have to own that shit for at least a couple of seconds.

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Thinking about the dickin’.

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“It’s like first grade all over again.”

What kind of first grade did YOU have?

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Apparently this is a thing too.

Don’t remember too many people roaming around high school with cameras.

I mean, now… people have iPhones and shit. But I went to high school in an era (man… 2004 is a long ass time ago) where the best kind of phone you had was like, a Razr. (Or you could have been baller like me and had one of those brick Nokia phones that last through nuclear winters.)

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“Bitch, don’t you be takin’ my picture.”

I hope she responds like Don Barzini.

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She wanted a couple shots for the feature they’re doing.

And the Asian freaks out and is like, “The feature’s dead, Angela!”

Wow, daddy just hit mommy at the dinner table.



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“Don’t worry. I got your back, baby.”

He’s gay, right? That’s the deal here?

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“I guess we’ll just run another editorial on teen drinking.”

Right, because THAT’S not an important topic. That’s a WAY less important topic than, “Hey, this is the new chick.”

Teen drinking is very bad.

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“You could always go for… eating disorders.”

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What’s that look about?


Anna Kendrick is chewing. You know what girls with eating disorders don’t have? Amazing titties. Obviously there are myriad other reasons to not have an eating disorder, but…there’s another two.

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“Eating disorders? But I like food.”

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“Speedo padding on the swim team.”

Swim team? That’s still a thing?

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“Actually, that’s a good one.”

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“Yeah, that’s totally a good one.”

This is Hollywood in a nutshell.

I am not kidding.

You’re sitting in a room with people. You jokingly throw out the most clichéd, hackneyed example as a joke, but also as a general, “Maybe do something more like this,” and then they invariably go, “Oh, that’s good. Let’s do that.”


I’m pretty sure you can take any female under 25, put one of those headband things on her and she’s automatically high school age or younger.

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I hope one day I find something interesting enough to take me away from my celery.

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She want the dick.

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They’re the Cullens.

Apparently they inbreed.

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Why does nobody question how pale these fucking people are?

Seriously, get some fucking iron or something. You’re as pale as a walrus’s taint.

Apparently Anna Kendrick has the dish on everyone.


I never had the inside scoop on anyone during high school. I’m pretty sure nobody’s school really works like that. Where someone asks you about a group of people and you can describe them in vivid detail and give their whole backstory despite never talking to them. You could ask me about people I spoke to occasionally in high school and the best I could give you was, “Oh, uh…pretty cool, I guess? Plays video games on his calculator in the library sometimes.”

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That’s Rosalee and Emmett. “They’re like a thing.”

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They’re not actually related though. But apparently it’s weird.

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So that’s Alice and Jasper.

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“Who’s he?”

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A HA HA HA HA HA HA I can’t I can’t this is fucking hilarious

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Holy shit he looks like if Conan O’Brien were trying to be in Deer Hunter.


Once again, ladies and gentlemen. This is a gift that Mike has that should be allowed on a resume.

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“That’s Edward Cullen. He’s totally gorgeous – obviously…”

Wait, obviously? How is that even remotely good-looking?


My assumption is trying to come true. Anna Kendrick clearly has a thing for him.

“But apparently no one here is good enough for him.”

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What, so he has Piccolo ears now?


Think of how often he must have to beat off the gel monster just to maintain that hair.

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That’s her other move, too.

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“Don’t waste your time.”

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“I wasn’t planning on it.”

What were you planning on? The slow, inevitable march toward the lonely embrace of death?


Wasn’t planning on it…like you are right now?

How could you have a conversation with someone who refuses to look you in the face?

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And now he’s just Prince staring her?

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He looks like he has to shit.


That was the most calculated look of disgust I’ve ever seen. Like he sees her looking at him, and the director went, “Okay, Robert, give me your ‘repulsed’ face! And…go!”

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And we just cut to something else without warning.

At least do wipes or something.

Also, remember when she lamented not knowing anybody?

This chick is spreading like lice around a college athletic center.


Part of me would have enjoyed trying out a new high school. Cause our school district was 11 elementary schools that split into two middle and then two high schools with the same district pattern. So once you hit 6th grade, you were with the same group through 12th grade, and your social status was pretty well locked in by 7th grade. I bet if I’d showed up at a new school in like…10th grade, I’d have been decently popular by the end of the year. But screw that, my high school was full of academic bosses. The public school that put private schools to shame with test scores AND hoodrat fights.

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Hey, a Puerto Rican! We’re hitting all the diversity bases in this one.


This guy! Apparently his name is Jose Zuniga. And he looks like someone hit Tony Shaloub with a handsome stick. But not too much.

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Shot of the movie so far.

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Seriously… the facial acting in this movie…

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Is that paper supposed to represent an erection?

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I think it is.


What’s the matter? Is she on her period? Can he smell her period blood?

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No, it’s appropriate here. She’s looking down at her crotch as it periods.

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“Wow, so he really just nutted in his pants…”

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I love how they just have books and shit waiting for her. No real teacher is ever that prepared.

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Why are all the black guys interested in the skinny white chick?


This has to be the way to get a girl. Act like she smells shitty. Break down her confidence.

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How romantic.

“I gave that bitch some bacteria. Bitches love bacteria.”


He has a wrist cuff on. Some way or another, this was considered cool for guys to wear between like, 2003 and 2008. So starting with Ben McKenzie in the first season of The O.C. and ending with this movie, most likely. Five years of misplaced rebelliousness.

Apparently it’s a Cullen family crest. A lion or some such shit.

I guess people look at it to mean he’s straight edge. Which… fuck him.

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I can see why they make a good couple.

It also totally looks like he has a set of gay wings.

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Their intimacy level in real life must be astounding.

Imagine the conversations they have.

Just this side of Woody Allen, I bet.

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HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. This is fucking incredible.


He’s staring at her the way Michael J. Fox stared at Crispin Glover.

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Look at his little wings!


Is this angel wing thing behind Pattinson intentional? I sure hope not. I can just imagine the 14 year old girls going on and on about how deep that placement was.

Also, he’s just fucking staring at her.

How do you not turn around and be like, “What the fuck do you want?”


How do you sit next to somebody for forty minutes and not have a conversation with them.

It’s fucking class, too. I couldn’t make it five minutes in class without talking to the person next to me and making sarcastic comments.

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Is he drunk?

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He also gets up just as the bell rings, too.


TOO FAST! He got out before the bell. Goddamn.

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That black guy behind her looks like he’s 31.

Said Mike, immediately noting how different that sentence sounds out of context.

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Every fucking scene in this movie looks exactly the same. What is going on so far?

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Apparently he’s trying to get out of biology.


That’s awkward.

That’s a thing? You can just drop biology? Because last I heard, schools had a curriculum that you had to take. I don’t think it’s ever a matter of, “All the other classes are full.”


And again, not how school works. You can’t just change your schedule in the middle of the semester like that.

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Fiesta Friday?

Wow, that’s… actually better.

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“I’ll just have to endure it.”


Wow, he really made that miserable for her. I’m starting to like him. Another point for Team Edward.

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Look at all the subtlety.

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And the lip bite! Why the fuck do you do this in every scene?

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There she goes.

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Big fan of rain and mud. Or, not even mud, just, wet dirt. I like that. But I don’t like when leaves and shit are everywhere. Just when shit is all wet and rainy. But not like it just went through a fucking tsunami.

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Damn, that burger looks good.

And with that thing on his lip, he’ll be tasting that shit for days.

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“I can’t get over how gorgeous you are.”

So why don’t you hang yourself in the kitchen?

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Who is this creepy fuck?

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Apparently he played Santa one year. He hopes he remembers her.

And everyone is okay with this?


Aw, nothing like a creepy guy being creepy at the police chief’s daughter.

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I also love how the waitress has to be like, “Let her enjoy her garden burger.”

Uhh… and she’s a vegetarian.

Seriously, this girl is the exact opposite of my type.

I can’t do anything with a girl who doesn’t know how to properly devour a rack of ribs.


I’m good with a girl who doesn’t know how to devour a rack of ribs. I’m even okay with a vegetarian as long as she’s not trying to convert me. It’s when they don’t drink that I don’t really trust them. I can understand someone not wanting to eat meat from a cramped factory farm, but you can’t make the case that beer is treated inhumanely and slaughtered while covered in its own shit. It’s just delicious and made from plants and water. Drink it.

Yeah, no. I can’t do with a vegetarian. It would never work. I can actually sort of deal with the non drinking thing because — hey, designated driver. But not eating meat — that’s a dealbreaker. Because her not drinking doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to drink. Her not eating meat is just weird. Because then when you make dinner, how does that work? Are you cooking separate ones? And if she’s cooking, does she cook the meat and not eat it? It’s just weird. I need someone who eats meat and isn’t like, “I’ll just have a half-salad.” Honestly, if I were out with someone and they said, “I’ll get the burger and let’s get some onion rings to split,” I’d actually get a little hard.

Also, why is there no ice in their water? What kind of shithole is this?

Also, why is the ketchup in a plastic bottle and the A.1 isn’t?

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That’s the metaphor for their relationship? A fucking ketchup bottle?


Still keeping up with that awkwardness between them, eh? I think teenage girls feed on fictional angst.

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And now she’s at home again. No rhyme or reason why we’re cutting to shit.

And she has homework already? Really?

Anyway, she’s talking to her mother. Her mother says, and I quote – “Tell me about school. Are there any cute guys?”

How is that ALWAYS the first question? Why is it never, “Are you receiving a well-rounded education?”

I guess because it’s rhetorical, right? Because the answer nowadays is almost certainly, “No.”

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Also, this is her response to, “Are there any cute guys?”

Oh, Kristen Stewart, you Stanislavski.

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And also she basically tells her mother she’s being bullied (which… no she isn’t), and her mother says to tell her about it.

“It doesn’t… even matter.”

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Yes, toss that binder. Show us you mean it.

P.S. You’re not allowed to suffer silently and talk about it.


“It doesn’t even matter! I’m just gonna sit here being pale! Where do we keep the razor blades?” It’s like this was manufactured to appeal to teenage girls.

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Now that’s a cut.

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Repeat the last line and add an n.

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Apparently the Cullens are a backwoods cartel.


They have a Jeep Wrangler? I don’t even know what that means. Who drives a Jeep Wrangler? That’s for assholes and Jurassic Park. Since this one isn’t painted crazy colors, I’ll assume they’re assholes.

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Who the fuck drives a Mercedes in high school?

Or better yet… who the fuck drives a Mercedes with the top down in Washington?


Who has the red Mercedes CLK? They’re reasonably well-off. Though it’s questionable as to why there are so many convertibles with the tops down in a place where it supposedly rains nonstop.

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I like how this is the big conflict of the first act – “I was gonna confront him, but he didn’t show up.”

Suddenly I have a newfound respect for The Phantom Menace.


Is it possible this is even worse than George Lucas’ writing? Holy shit, I think it might be.

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That’s how you get someone’s attention. Throw a Red Vine at them.

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Are they all smoking up in this van? Holy shit, that’s a Chevy Astro. That’s the ultimate rape-mobile. If Krieger was real, that’s the van he’d buy.

By the way, here’s how you can tell that this high school has a wardrobe person — look at how these kids are layering. Each one has three layers on. NOBODY layers like that in real life. And if they do, they’re trying too hard. This is some catalog shit.

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Apparently she doesn’t want friends.

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And now he’s just not showing up to school. And this is such a big deal, apparently.


She’s really obsessed with confronting this dude about whatever. I like how much it bothers her that he thought she smelled. I wish I was still in school so I could act like some chick stank to high heaven and then take 3 days off.

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Are you seriously only eating fruit?

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And why do you care so much that this fuck won’t show up to school?



I might trust Emmett the most because although he looks like a douchebag bro, he’s the only one who isn’t using hair product.

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Quantum of Solace - 5



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I deserved that. I fucked with Colin by reminding him of a movie he loves, and now they’re doing it to me.


You should know better than to do that. I just watched that scene TWICE. Me with the opening sequence of Quantum of Solace is like Cartman and “Come Sail Away.” You show me even one image of that scene and I will watch it immediately unless I’ve watched it on my own that week. Though, there’s a decent chance of that.

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I’d rather be watching The Third Man right now.

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What the hell? When did this movie become the end of Gone in 60 Seconds?

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Okay, what in the fuck is going on?

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You is caught.

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You is fucked.


Ever notice how movies and series about the supernatural always take place in the most out of the way places? Places that don’t matter?

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Interesting steam valve.

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Forks the Police.

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Her face right before she falls is great.


Fell on your ASS!

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Yeah, I think we fucking get it.

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He says some security guard got killed by “some kind of animal.”


Why does her dad come off like an unfortunately serious Bill Hader?

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I just realized his name is Charles Swan.

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Why would you even think once about that? Not even twice. Why would that even be remotely curious to you? Dude got killed by an animal. The end. “Yeah, okay,” and you immediately forget about it and move on.


Guess how many seatbelts and airbags her truck has?

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Wow, the shots article for this movie is going to be atrocious.


The Spartans. Yup, this feels a lot like Sparta. I bet they went nuts when 300 came out. My high school was the Chieftains. At least have the decency to adopt a warrior mascot that’ll offend someone.

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Asian kid is apparently trying to ask her out.


Look at this kid talking about his school paper like it matters. Their TOWN paper doesn’t matter.

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But no matter… this fuck is back.


Aw, look who’s back!

Well, we wasn’t expecting this, Precious, no we wasn’t.

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Wow… just… poetry. I mean, when you go over all the great first lines in movie history for a character… this is just… what’s #2?

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“I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself last week. I’m Edward Cullen.”

You know the difference between a good movie and this movie?

A good movie would have had her tell him off first and then have him say he was apologize before she cut him off.


It’s funny how you try to boil it down to “the” difference between this movie and a good movie.

To me, everything boils down to the Tuco interpretation — there are always two kinds of people in this world.

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“You were gone.”

Riveting conversationalist.

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This is so Sorkin.


Yeah, maybe while he was detoxing.

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“Do you mind if I, uh… look?”

You’re lab partners. It’s not her microscope. What the fuck is going on right now?


We’re doing biology. This is hot.

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Naturally we need a closeup of his hands.

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“So are you enjoying the rain?”

Are you enjoying killing me? Because that’s what you’re doing.


The next person to ask her about the rain gets nutted.

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Remember when Twilight fans got upset when Jennifer Lawrence won an Oscar before Kristen Stewart?

I give you this face.


I have to apologize to the world, because I used to lump The Hunger Games in with this shit as just another popular series that everyone was into for no good reason. I haven’t read the Hunger Games books and I don’t plan on it, but the Hunger Games movie was so much better than this. Still not all that good to me, but crazily better than this.

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“You’re asking me about the weather?”

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“Yeah… I guess I am.”

Is there supposed to be subtext to this?


Oh, watch out, folks! They’re taking each other’s lines and using them on each other! Sounds like a budding romance [penned by a shitty writer].

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“I don’t really like the rain.”

It’s coarse and irritating? And it gets everywhere?


Well, the rain doesn’t like you.

“Any cold and wet thing…”

You mean like vaginas?

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Oh, she realized it.

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Twilight drinking game – take a drink whenever someone doesn’t finish a sentence. Also take one when the sentence they do finish is monosyllabic.

He asks why she would move here if she doesn’t like rain. She says “it’s complicated.”


Good question, Edward. I’m sure it was this high school girl who made the decision to move across the country. That’s usually how these things go.

Her situation is not complicated at all, by the way. She described it in literally five seconds at the beginning of the movie.

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Oh, for fuck’s…

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Lots of wanting the dick stares in this.

No plot or character development.

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Still talking.


They just cut to her holding the onion. They won the onion. I don’t believe this.

Oh, yeah. The teacher did a thing where whoever does the lab right the quickest or some such shit wins an onion. I skipped over it entirely, because it’s stupid. Colin basically came to the same conclusion, only later.

Apparently the new husband is a minor league baseball player. Which means a minor league baseball player, who is, at the oldest, 30, 31, is married to her mother, who is around… 40, rather than traveling from town to town and crushing ass. All right.

And now she’s living with her dad.

“And now you’re unhappy.”

Twilight - 302

“Oh my god, he’s so deep! How does he know?!!”

Twilight - 304

“I’m sorry, I’m just – I’m just trying to figure you out.”

A HA HA HA HA HA HA. What the fuck is this? “I’m just trying to figure you out.”

I hope you get slimed.


Who tells someone shit like this? “I’m having trouble reading you,” and stuff like that. Maybe you’re not a psychiatrist. Maybe we just met.

Twilight - 303

“Do you wear contacts?”

I can’t.


And now she’s admitting that she stared into his eyes the last time they met. Always with the female authors and the eyes. I bet Edward has Lily Potter’s eyes.

Twilight - 305

We’re adding the lip-biting to the drinking game.

Twilight - 306

“Yeah, I know… it’s the fluorescents. Uh, umm…”

Twilight - 307

Twilight - 308

Twilight - 309



Awkward pause, and…SMOKE BOMB!

And this is where we’ll END PART I. Since we all want to drink before we come back to this movie.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and boobies.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

One response

  1. JamDenTel

    God, this makes me embarrassed to be a Cosmopolis fan.

    July 30, 2013 at 1:17 am

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