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Fun with Franchises: Twilight (2008), Part II — “This Wasn’t Nominated for Adapted Screenplay? They Got ROBBED”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today’s Twilight, Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the second part of Twilight:

Twilight - Title Card

We begin Part II with a shot I’m pretty sure I’ve seen about eight times by now.

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Colin:

That’s a Ford Pinto in the parking lot. Yes. You may remember the Ford Pinto from being the car that the Nazis drove in The Blues Brothers, and from being one of the shittiest cars ever made.

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Weird how they’re always just looking at her.

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Ha ha. He drives a Volvo.

Colin:

They all park in a line? So we know that huge dude drives the Jeep Wrangler, and then the smaller dude and his chick drive the Mercedes CLK…so Edward drives this Volvo C30? Please tell me he doesn’t drive a Volvo C30. I can’t begin to comprehend what kind of bizarre alternate universe has a vampire boy who drives a Volvo C30. Maybe car people will understand, but it’s weird beyond all comprehension.

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This is all these movies are gonna be, isn’t it?

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Oh shit. Libyans!

Colin:

I say that about every van I see.

The vehicular “Oh no, it’s them.”

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Or, a black guy who can’t drive.

(Why the fuck is he driving a van?)

(Does he live down by the river?)

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Danger face.

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Why are you watching this happen?

Colin:

First of all, who drives like that in a crowded parking lot? Second, how does this girl almost get murdered after moving here? Great timing, lady.

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You could so get the fuck out of the way of that without his help.

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Facial expressions.

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“Well… shit.”

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God-damn. She wanna get fucked.

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This is the modern age. Romantic moment – she’s got her fucking earbuds in.

Colin:

Maybe this is foreshadowing for what’s going to happen later. Cause the Chevy Astro certainly signifies rape, and he just saved her from it.

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Just start making out and be done with it. Seriously.

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And… break out.

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This motherfucker knows when to break out. I approve.

Also, lots of cars in this shot.

Colin:

It’s only the fact that they’re high school kids that keeps me from being IMMENSELY saddened by the selection of vehicles in this parking lot. Alice’s Mercedes CLK might as well be a Rolls Royce compared to this shit.

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Remember when we used to be able to read like four different emotions in Hermione’s face?

She’s got nothing on this one.

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That’s where you face should’ve would’ve been.

Oh, fuck it. Should’ve.

We all know it.

Colin:

Watch how this will never be explained, either. This is where the brunt of the impact took place, and it doesn’t correspond with anywhere on her truck. Don’t you think they might notice that? I’d like to see this Astro slam her pickup and full speed, though. It’s like what Doc Brown told Marty in Back to the Future Part II — old cars were built WAY sturdier than newer ones are. Today we have airbags, and special structural bases and stuff like that to keep us safe. In the 1950s, a meeting to discuss concerns about a new car’s safety required only two words: “More steel.”

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Pretty sure the only caption to this screenshots is actually, “Hmm.”

Colin:

And the other black kid, who’s like, “Damn it! You fucked this up for BOTH of us now!”

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Naturally everybody swarms.

And the black kid is apologizing out the passenger window. That’s great.

“I am so sorry. You know I wouldn’t almost kill a white bitch on purpose. Make sure your father know that.”

Colin:

I love how the guy chooses that exact moment to look out his window and apologize. And how she’s clearly fine, but everyone’s calling 911.

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Good luck keeping this out of the school newspaper.

Colin:

Vampires scare easily. They’re gone.

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Is it lupus? I hope it’s lupus.

“You could have been killed.”

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“But I wasn’t, so –”

Over/under – how many ellipses do you think were written into this script?

And then Charlie goes off on the black kid for almost killing his daughter.

It’s actually pretty racial.

Colin:

Cops always have it in for black people. All he did was almost kill your daughter with some reckless driving. Didn’t you see Crash? This is blatant racism.

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Dr. Cullen.

WHY DOES NOBODY QUESTION HOW FUCKING PALE THESE PEOPLE ARE?

Colin:

This guy looks WAY too young to be a doctor. Probably cause he’s a vampire, and all that.

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Seriously, this is sickly. How can anyone be attracted to someone that pale?

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He looks like the vampire version of Patrick Bateman.

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Right, though?

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I also like how he already knows what happened and is going through the motions.

It’s like when a five year old says they have to stay home from school because they have cancer.

And you’re like, “Oh, really? Well… yeah, yeah, certainly looks like cancer to me. All the signs are there.”

Colin:

Aww, little kids get cancer, too.

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She says Edward knocked her out of the way.

(So it starts with him knocking her out of the way and ends with him knocking her up?)

(I guess he wants to rock and roll all night, and party every day.)

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I also like that she says, “Your son was like, crazy fast and has superhuman strength,” as if this wasn’t automatically going to get her killed by any reasonable vampire.

Like when Luke started asking questions to Owen and Beru.

Colin:

Notice how he’s not surprised or interested to hear that Edward did some superhuman shit. At least raise an eyebrow.

Also, Patrick Bateman. It’s really funny how strong the resemblance is.

“You’re a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood.”

You don’t even have to change the dialogue.

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I like that cardiology, radiology and the sleep clinic are all on the same wing.

(And that admittance and outpatient are also in the same place.)

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They be talking about her.

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Good thing to do: when people talk about you, just stand there, not trying to hide at all.

Because it’s not about eavesdropping and it’s not about confronting them either.

God, I hate her.

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“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

How about you be assertive for once?

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“What?”

Sure. Take that tone.

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“How did you get over to me so fast?”

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“I was standing right next to you, Bella.”

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“No, you were next to your car. Across the lot.”

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“No I wasn’t.”

I kind of want to pull out every spoken line of dialogue in this movie.

But we all realize this is shit, right?

Because I’d rather not actually have to do that.

Not one line in this movie so far isn’t generic as shit.

Colin:

I got hit by a car in high school and there was no vampire boy to save me. But I totally get her annoyance here about having to tell her mom she’s okay. The people who got me off the street called my parents, and they arrived as the ambulance showed up. That was the most painful part about it, and the getting hit by a car part and losing a bunch of the skin off one side of my body was pretty painful. You can deal with shit if you don’t have a parent there losing their mind. I’d rather have called them from the hospital to come pick me up.

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“I know what I saw.”

Colin:

I love it when people say something like, “I know what I saw!” cause in real life, that line usually comes before they’re committed to an institution of some kind. And people never know what they saw, as was made clear in My Cousin Vinny.

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“Well, nobody’s gonna believe you.”

Who is he, Bill Murray? Seriously? Why not keep up the, “I was right next to you, you’re delirious” thing?

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“I wasn’t gonna tell anybody.”

Then why are you bringing it up in that tone?

“I just need to know. The truth.”

What’s with these pauses? They’re not even Walken pauses. They’re just bad pauses.

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“Can’t you just thank me and get over it?”

The amount of times this has been said between men and women…

Colin:

“Can’t you just thank me and get over it?” “Thank you!” “No, I meant…in the bathroom. Second stall. Five minutes.”

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“You’re not gonna let this go, are you?”

“No.”

“Well then I hope you’re prepared for disappointment.”

The amount of times I’ve said this…

:(

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Remember when she was touted as the up and coming great actress of her generation?

Colin:

No. Was she ever touted as that? Somehow I doubt it. But then, somehow I don’t doubt it.

No, she was actually thought of (and still is) as a great actress. Into the Wild — Adventureland. A lot of people really liked her stuff before she did this franchise. I never saw it, but hey, to each his own.

I still say Jennifer Lawrence was always better. Put anything Stewart has ever done up against Winter’s Bone — it’s no contest.

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There is no gibbous.

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SEX DREAM!!

Colin:

It’s a shame they show you both her hands, which you know was intentional. This movie is trying so hard not to be any kind of sexual.

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Wow, her face looks like she’s really digging around Treasure Cove.

Colin:

Hey, nobody’s supposed to know about that.

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Someone’s in your room, wake the fuck up.

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Right, because THAT’S not creepy.

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“My body is ready.”

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And he’s gone.

Colin:

You really did get a bump on the head. And what are your drapes made of? Something decidedly useless as drape material, I guess.

The carpet?

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“That was the first night I dreamt of Edward Cullen.”

STOP WITH THE FUCKING VOICEOVER.

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She kinda liked it, too.

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Do people stand like that in real life?

Colin:

She came back and parked in the same place. Nature has a way of rewarding that kind of stubbornness.

Also, am I the only one hoping for a Sweet Hereafter right now?

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People never clean up after car accidents.

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Blood?

Colin:

Look at that. That’s the dent the van left. The really aren’t going to investigate why the back half of the van left this little mark, but the huge dent in the van’s passenger’s side door left no corresponding mark on the truck at all. Odd? This is how you know the cops in this town have NEVER solved a crime. They’re missing shit like this.

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“Hey, guys, what’s going on?”

Colin:

SURPRISE SMILE! 

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“How dare you interrupt my sex looks.”

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He’s trying to ask her out.

Colin:

“You’re alive!” Seriously. This guy is my favorite in the franchise already. Pretty sure he’s gonna stay that way.

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She want the dick.

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He asks her to prom.

Because she’s been in school for like, two months and it’s already prom.

Good job, Mom. Don’t just let her finish school in Arizona first.

Colin:

Hah. This school has a prom? I can’t really envision it being a nice thing. Like, their prom would be like the one in Carrie.

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“Oh. Prom. Dancing. Not a good idea for me.”

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Fuck you.

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She says she’s actually going to Jacksonville that weekend.

Weird how she knows exactly when prom is all of a sudden.

Colin:

Excuses excuses. Guys know.

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“You can’t go another weekend?”

Wow, and here I thought she was the stupid one in the scene.

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“You should ask Jessica. I know she wants to go with you.”

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Remember what I said about awkward waves?

Colin:

Why is it that high school teachers are always portrayed as THAT teacher? The one who tries to be cool and always has a line ready to get the kids moving in an authoritative way. It’s sort of hard to explain, but the other guy who oozed this quality was the teacher in the Tobey Maguire Spiderman.

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Did he just take them to a plant brewery?

Is that beer actually made from plant shit?

Colin:

Don’t drink that shit!

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“What’s in Jacksonville?”

What’s with Susan Bones down there at the bottom of the frame?

Colin:

Every school has a Susan Bones. Sometimes I think we’re all Susan Bones.

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“How did you know about that?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Colin:

GOOD ANSWER.

But still… the question stands, motherfucker. Explain.

“Well you don’t answer any of mine, so…”

Drink.

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“Are you gonna tell me how you stopped the van?”

He says it was an adrenaline rush. “You can google it.”

Colin:

This wasn’t nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay? They got ROBBED.

I’d have liked it better if he just went, “PCP, baby.”

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“Floridians. That’s what’s in Jacksonville.”

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Get it? She’s supposed to be awkward? Ha ha ha somebody get me a bottle of sleeping pills and some everclear

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“I’m sorry I’m being rude all the time, I just think it’s the best way.”

Now that’s an unintentionally complex line.

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“Guess who just asked me to prom?”

Not him.

Colin:

Mike did ask her to prom. You know why? PERKY TITTAYS!

Did he seriously ask her to prom like 12 minutes after asking Bella? And on a field trip to look at compost? Remember how easy shit was in high school? I’m glad that even during high school I recognized how none of my problems mattered. That made things so much easier. I’d be having a rough time with a girlfriend or something, but then I’d stop and remember that none of it made any difference. And it wasn’t the sort of “makes no difference” that emo kids had, where they get all depressed because their life lacks meaning. It was more like, “Hey, my life lacks meaning, so I don’t have to worry about shit! Score!”

Same here. High school was so great. I was emotionally above everybody.

While people were talking about other people “cheating” on them by making out with someone else, I was teaching myself how to write and developing my movie tastes. And I already knew I loathed everyone who lived in my area, so I wasn’t even concerned with trying to get laid. Which made high school doubly easy.

It’s always fun when people make high school out to be either something really difficult or really fun. Being young is fun, and high school is easy as shit.

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Imagine these two interacting in real life.

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And now the Asian kid is putting a worm in her face. Because this is my suicide note.

Colin:

“It’s a worm! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” I can’t believe this film made money. Rebecca Black would have done a better job.

IS SHE GOING TO BE JACOB’S SISTER OH MY GOD PLEASE HAVE THIS HAPPEN I WILL GIVE THIS MOVIE ALL OF THE STARS

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“We shouldn’t be friends.”

Colin:

You guys don’t have a friendship to begin with. I’m astounded by the lack of development here. I’m going to try to keep up a positive attitude because I’m only 29 minutes into the franchise and it can only go up from here.

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“You really should have figured that out a little earlier.”

Wait, what?

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“Wait, what?”

Does that mean she’s already decided they’re going to be friends? What about the horse?

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“Why didn’t you just let the van crush me and save yourself all this regret?”

Oh, god. She’s one of those.

Colin:

“I wish I was never born!”

(Also, canted angle? What the fuck? In this movie?)

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“You think I regret saving you?”

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“You don’t know… anything.”

He sounded like Mark Ruffalo when he said that.

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“Hi. Are you gonna be banging him?”

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“No, our bus is full.”

I really don’t think you’re the person to be making that call.

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Colin:

DID HE JUST FONZIE THE BUS DOOR OPEN?! That just reset this film at neutral. Good work, Cullen. You’ve earned your franchise another shot.

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A completely healthy relationship.

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All… right.

Oh, wait, he actually says that at the end of the scene.

Colin:

I have nothing to say about this scene other than how appropriate it was that her father finished it off with the audience’s thoughts: “All…right?”

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WHY IS HE ALWAYS JUST LOOKING AT HER?

Colin:

Hah! That vampire’s drinking Vitamin Water. That stuff’s bad for you.

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HE HAS ANGST!

Colin:

Don’t you wish that you could have a bunch of people that you could sit around and brood over stuff with?

No.

Not even a little bit.

I want a bunch of people I can sit around with and talk about wizarding abortions.

Colin:

I need to move to LA so we can do that.

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I’ve stopped listening to what’s being said. It was basically a half a page scene that served to let us know they’re going to some place like two scenes from now. So we’ll just wait until we get there two scenes from now and figure it out from there.

Colin:

“And I don’t just surf the internet.” Every time this Asian kid opens his mouth, I feel myself getting dumber. Until now, that was a distinction enjoyed only by Soulja Boy.

I got soul but I’m not Soulja Boy.

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Can you do ANYTHING right?

Colin:

YOU GUYS! BABY CORN AND CHERRY TOMATOES! Two of Mike’s absolute favorite foods.

I really love baby corn, actually. It’s like the veal of vegetables. But just after the cherry tomato jizz thing came up during the Return of the King articles, my coworker brought in a bunch of homegrown cherry tomatoes for us. I was explaining the jizz thing and why I’m not as partial to cherry tomatoes as I am to regular tomatoes, so he cut one in half for me to first release the jizz pressure. Only, he cut it perfectly on the axis of the tomato, so it turned out that one of the airtight jizz chambers was still sealed, so when I bit down, it popped tomato jizz all in my mouth and I was doubly freaked out because I wasn’t expecting it at all.

Norm

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And how do you not question that he did that?

Colin:

You caught the apple with your foot! That’s a good trick.

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I found out after the fact that this was added to recreate the cover of the book.

Please remove your dick from my ass.

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“You know your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.”

I don’t think you know what whiplash means.

Colin:

I’d love to show her.

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“I only said I thought it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.”

“What does that even mean?”

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“It means if you were smart, you’ll stay away from me.”

He’s a loaner, Dottie. A rebel.

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“Okay, well let’s say for argument’s sake that I’m not smart?”

I don’t think we need to qualify that one.

Colin:

I wouldn’t even say that for argument’s sake. I’d just say it.

“Would you tell me the truth?”

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“No. Probably not.”

Apparently she thinks he might be a superhero. Like Spider-Man or Superman.

Colin:

She’s talking about Atom Ant and Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, right? I’m not really up on superhero movies.

Honestly, that would be more interesting than this.

Also, why haven’t they done that yet? Tell a superhero story from the point of view of the girlfriend?

Why must I have all the good ideas?

Colin:

As long as you can do it better than My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

I like how he says these things because he knows I’ve seen it.

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“What if I’m not the hero? What if I’m the bad guy?”

Then this story would be more interesting?

Colin:

I was almost interested for a second there. The possibility that he’s evil? That’d be nice.

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“Why don’t we just… hang out?”

Colin:

Nobody talks like this.

There’s such a long pause there that if you didn’t try to finish her sentence with the word ‘fuck,’ I don’t think I know who or what you are.

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That is the proper response to, “Hey, we’re both attracted to each other. So let’s just stay in the same room for a long period of time and not have sex?”

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“Everybody’s going to the beach. Come.”

And here, the entire last scene was completely negated.

Colin:

Girls do this all the time. “I like you, you like me….come hang out! With all of my friends!” And you were ready to say yes until the friends came into it and all of a sudden this idea sucks. Stupid Spice Girls, writing that dumbass song and setting unfortunate precedents. Curse you all.

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He’s not sure. The beach is “a little crowded.”

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Hooray, cuts!

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Is this what people do on the west coast?

How come people don’t go fishing?

Colin:

Oh, I like yo body glove, baby. That’s a cat suit, not a zentai. I bet she corn starched herself all over.

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She likes what she sees.

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Oh, now she’s trying to confide in her like a woman.

Isn’t it coincidental that the four people we’ve met so far all want to fuck each other? And the fifth one is the one she’s going to fuck?

That’s one of those conventions I hate. Well, they’re friends… let’s just put them together.

Come to think of it, this is kind of how college worked. A lot of the people I know all ended up dating one another at some point.

People love convenience.

Colin:

That was the weird part about your freshman year friends and the group a year below me. They both ended up hooking up with one another. It was really just the sophomore year group that really didn’t. Is that how things usually work? I never really got into Friends.

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“Go ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.”

“I am?”

FUCK YOU!

Colin:

“You’re a strong, independent woman.” “I am?” “NO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”

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Oh, this fucker? I completely forgot he existed.

Why couldn’t it stay that way?

Colin:

Native Americans all have long hair. It is known.

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“Are you stalking me?”

“You’re on my res, remember?”

There’s something offensive about using a slang term for the word reservation.

Kind of like using the word “nigga.” You do realize what that word was originally for, right?

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“You guys should keep Bella company. She likes getting triple teamed by brown people.”

She actually says Edward bailed. He was her “date.” (I love how people in movies always refer to those people as “dates.”)

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Look at his face when she mentioned Edward.

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They all call Edward a freak, which is really one of the most overused cliché words in movies.

Also, what the fuck with the lip thing?

Colin:

The native Americans showed up, so now we can all enjoy this racial tension. Oh, and they hate Cullen! Are they all werewolves? Not sure I’m willing to put down all my wampum on that possibility.

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“You guys know him?”

Apparently the Cullens don’t come to the beach.

Colin:

The Cullens don’t go there? Sounds like some territorial issues.

Oh yeah.

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Yeah, go eat your Twizzler.

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“What did your friends mean about, “The Cullens don’t come here”?

Well, I’m no private investigator…

Colin:

Look at this guy in the background! I bet he’s the guy from the front porch across the street when Bella first showed up.

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“You caught that, huh?”

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, “YOU CAUGHT THAT”? IT WAS ONE OF THE ONLY FUCKING THINGS SAID IN THAT SCENE!!!

Colin:

“Ya caught that, huh?” Uh…fucking really? That comment that was spoken directly to her at a perfectly reasonable volume? I’d say she ‘caught’ it.

He says he’s not supposed to say anything about it.

So naturally…

Colin:

He doesn’t stop smiling and I don’t like it.

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“Hey, I can keep a secret,” she says, as she slowly slides her hand down the waistband of his pants…

Colin:

She should really…be less pale. She looks like a woman from the Paleolithic.

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“Really it’s just like an old, scary story.”

But she wants to know, so he tells her.

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Apparently there’s some shit about his people being descended from wolves.

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And apparently the Cullens are descended from an “enemy clan.”

Colin:

Hooray for a shitty use of sepia.

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Look at this fucking Chingachgook.

(Also, here’s a fun story — Last of the Mo’Niquans.)

Colin:

I’d be willing to bet money they got those hats at iParty. 

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Apparently there’s some treaty or some such shit. As in, “You stay the fuck off our shit, and we won’t tell nobody what you really are.”

Colin:

Oh boy. This is unbelievably bad. The story that you’re not supposed to discuss that ends up being a detailed account of two warring clans.

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“What are they really?”

“It’s just a story, Bella.”

And that prevents you from telling her what they are?

Colin:

At least he calls her like she is. A fucking pale face.

It’s also at this moment, one of the girls screams and runs past them, as the Asian kid holds a tentacle or some such shit.

Colin:

You know what’s always a good idea to do? Scream at the beach.

This is a bad teen romance with bad teen horror mixed in.

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Isn’t it great how movies just sort of decide when to end a scene?

Oh, wide shot, so… I guess we’re done.

Even though, in any normal situation, this is not anywhere near over. One person keeps pestering until the other person tells them or finally says, “Stop fucking asking me about it!” and it’s awkward, and then they continue walking in silence.

This is such a cheap out.

This is such horrible writing and directing.

Twilight - 474

Oh… and now we’re gonna kill some other innocent.

Isn’t it great how obvious they make it?

You can tell a movie isn’t good when you already know what scene is coming up before it even starts.

Like, “This is the bad guy showing how bad he is.” “This is the scene the protagonist’s wife gets on his ass for being too tied to his job.” The bigger the movie, the more obvious it is.

No need to watch it, since it’s repetition.

Colin:

Just sittin’ in my boat, drinking a beer.

Twilight - 475

Hello.

Twilight - 476

“Hello.”

She looks like Natasha Lyonne on a bender.

(So… Natasha Lyonne.)

Twilight - 477

“Who are you?”

Twilight - 478

“It’s always the same inane questions. Who are you?”

Twilight - 479

“What do you want?”

Twilight - 480

“Why are you doing this?”

Twilight - 481

Dead.

What the fuck was that? Seriously? This writing is awful.

And why the fuck are we cutting to this? I’d be much more interested* (* a relative statement) if they didn’t cut to this at all and just had the three of them show up later.

Colin:

Oh wow. Bad vampires? Lovely. I have nothing to say.

Twilight - 482

Is she blogging now? I swear to god I will turn off this movie right now if she’s blogging.

Twilight - 483

Wow. She knows how to spell it?

Odd, since in a movie like this, they write something like that out on a chalkboard and have a scene where the teacher talks about it first.

(For those who read the book… that actually happens, doesn’t it?)

(Come on, you can tell me. I know.)

Twilight - 484

Why the fuck would you do that? You had like seven different search results directly above it, one of which we can SEE is what you’re looking for, and you go to the book? What the fuck is this, 1993?

Also… Legend of the Slapping Beaver. Yes.

Colin:

There’s something I’m almost positive will never happen in this franchise.

Twilight - 485

And you’re BUYING the book? Bitch, don’t you know what the internet is for?

Colin:

Isn’t it fun when movies do close-ups of computer screens and the cursor moves in a really deliberate, perfect way? It’s never like a normal person using a touchpad. What’s that about? Do we need to see the exact path that the mouse takes, or can we just see what the hell they clicked?

Twilight - 486

Completely accurate.

Colin:

Two things I’d like to address. One, that must be the sorriest international airport ever, considering its size. I’m betting its where you can hop a flight into Canada every Tuesday and 3rd Thursday of the month in some dude’s Cessna. And second, take a look at what the park next to the airport is called.

Twilight - 487

How many scenes start like this?

Twilight - 488

Look at that fucking rattail.

Twilight - 489

Well hello.

Colin:

Trying to sun them boobies. I approve.

Twilight - 490

“Guys, I’m going to the prom with Eric. I just asked him, I took control.”

Twilight - 491

Why are you hugging? This shouldn’t be that much of a big deal. You wanted to ask him, you asked him. The end.

Twilight - 492

Thank you for putting the boobies on display.

This is really the only point of this shot.

Rack focus.

Colin:

Nutticum busticus.

Twilight - 493

Anyway, they’re miraculously going to the place where that bookstore is. Thus negating her WRITING THE FUCKING ADDRESS DOWN!

“Mind if I come?”

Someone’s named a porno this, right?

Colin:

Does it bother people that when someone asks if someone else “minds” something, the answer is increasing in the affirmative? Like they’re trying to say, “Yeah, I don’t mind!” Which isn’t how English works.

But seriously. So many scenes in this movie are IMMEDIATELY negated by the ones that come right after them. All you need in that previous scene is for her to look at the map, see where it is, and then when they go to town (we don’t even need her asking to go), hey, there’s the store. “I’m… gonna go check out that place. I love vintage books.” The end.

Also, we find out in this scene that any time the weather is nice, the Cullens disappear.

Bella Swan is the most clueless fucking person on the face of the earth.

If the first words out of her mouth when she next sees Edward aren’t, “You’re a vampire, aren’t you?”, she will be forever beyond redemption.

Twilight - 494

Are we seriously about to get a dress montage?

Twilight - 495

Are you wearing a prom dress to go prom dress shopping?

Colin:

She’s trying one on and comparing with another. I never got some girls with their prom dress stuff.

Twilight - 496

Get it? Because she’s an outsider.

Twilight - 497

God DAMN son.

Colin:

Oh my GOOD GOD but yo titties, girl.

Twilight - 498

Colin:

“She’s right, though. This looks awesome.” Even a little narcissism is better than nothing.

And then these fucking guys show up.

I was gonna call this out, but there’s literally only on strip of road in this town where all the shops are, and she is standing in front of a window with those tits, so – fair all around. Two in the pink.

Twilight - 499

And one in the stink.

Twilight - 500

Why aren’t we getting a closeup of the boobies?

Bella says she just really wants to go to this bookstore. This writing is fucking awful.

Twilight - 501

Oh… the boobies are going away.

Cherish this moment, everybody. Because it’s all downhill from here.

Twilight - 502

Is this bookstore on the second story? That’s awesome. I want a store that’s on the second story, overlooking a lake or something.

Twilight - 503

Way to make it not seem shady.

This is what things’ll be like in ten years. “You got the stuff?” “You got the money?” “Don’t let anyone catch you with this. They’ll think you’re smart.” “I’ll be careful.” “If they do catch you, you’ve never heard of me. You know what they do to smart people in these parts.”

Colin:

Why do they linger on they looking at the money after this? He’s flipping it over, like, “Hmm…white people money. What does one buy with this? We have no concept of ownership.”

Twilight - 504

Notice the book on the left side of the frame.

Twilight - 505

Twilight - 506

So… they just showed us the reverse angle of that shot. Where the fuck is this person standing? Because there are no trees down there.

Colin:

Why is this even a place? You mean to tell me that there’s a Native American bookstore that’s open this late at night? I seriously don’t understand how some businesses work. It’s mind boggling how a place like this could sell enough to recoup its investment, pay the rent and utilities AND somehow manage to provide this guy with enough cash to get by on. You really think there’s enough demand in an area like this for this sort of stuff to provide him with an income?

Well apparently they don’t have TVs on this reservation (as we’ll find out later), so I guess they all read.

Or maybe this is government subsidized.

Twilight - 507

Right, because that’s always a good idea.

Colin:

Uh oh. Something rape-y’s about to happen, isn’t it?

See what I mean about knowing exactly what scene is going to happen next?

The universal shitty movie playbook, and they’re running it, step by step.

Twilight - 508

Twilight - 509

Twilight - 510

Isn’t it great that her “I’m about to get raped” face is the same as her “My room is really small” face?

Twilight - 511

Yes, walk away really fast. That’ll deter rapists.

Twilight - 512

Twilight - 513

Wait, it’s the kids from before? Did they really hang around, waiting to rape her? This is a town of like, 3,000 people. Do they really think a sexual assault will go unnoticed?

Colin:

Do some guys actually enjoy making girls uncomfortable? Are there really guys out there who get their kicks doing shit like this?

Although, they’re in Port Angeles, not Forks. This is a different town.

Twilight - 514

Twilight - 515

She does knee a guy in the nuts, though. Which is a good move.

Twilight - 516

Twilight - 517

Oh shit, it’s a car chase? Break out the “Ready, Steady, Go.”

Twilight - 518

Colin:

A vampire driving a Volvo C30. I can’t.

Twilight - 519

Twilight - 520

Twilight - 521

“Get in the car.”

Isn’t it great how he has super speed but needed a car to get there in time?

Twilight - 522

Twilight - 523

I love the pause to have that face before… “Well, I guess it’s probably safer this way.”

Twilight - 524

Is he wearing lipstick?

Twilight - 525

Twilight - 526

Twilight - 527

Colin:

Did he hiss at them?

I think we all know what he should have really done to them.

Twilight - 528

So that’s it? He pulls out his fangs, they freak out, and he leaves?

Twilight - 529

Twilight - 530

Twilight - 531

Twilight - 532

Colin:

You know what accelerates backwards and 180s like that? Not a Volvo C30.

Twilight - 533

I’d really like it if that car flipped seven times right now.

Twilight - 534

“I should go back there and rip those guys’ heads off.”

This might be her best facial reaction in the film.

I also like how she’s like, “No… you shouldn’t.” That actually is a good delivery.

Twilight - 535

“You don’t know the vile, repulsive things they were thinking.”

“And you do?”

Twilight - 536

Wow, that was convenient.

Twilight - 537

GODDAMNIT STEWART TRY SOMETHING NEW FOR A CHANGE!

Twilight - 538

“I need to find something else to distract me so I won’t turn around.”

A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

*ZIP*

Colin:

“Distract me so I won’t turn around.” Good. Good line.

Twilight - 539

Best facial expressions ever.

Twilight - 540

She tells him to put his seatbelt on.

He finds this laughable.

(Wanna know how he got those scars?)

“Why don’t you put your seatbelt on?”

Colin:

Never mind, the laugh when she tells him to put his seatbelt on is the best reaction so far in this movie. “Silly bitch! Your weapons cannot harm me, don’t you know who the fuck I am?!”

Twilight - 541

Now there’s a counter.

This scene would have been so much better if she immediately looked at him like, “That’s a good idea,” and immediately put her seatbelt on. And then gave him a look like, “Your turn, motherfucker.”

Twilight - 542

But no, I guess we’re gonna pull a Desmond Llewelyn.

Twilight - 543

The Bloated Toad.

Colin:

Rural areas sadden me.

Twilight - 544

“Where were you? We left you messages.”

Two things – first, isn’t the correct answer, “I almost just got raped by a bunch of dudes in an alley”? And second – did we just completely gloss over what happened with her and Edward between the last scene and this?

Twilight - 545

Oh, he’s there too.

A third thing – this town is like, five square miles. How the fuck could it take that long to go to the bookstore, almost get raped, and be driven TO the restaurant? There’s no way they waited for an hour and actually ate before she got there. Plus, she SAID she was going to the bookstore. How about you walk three fucking blocks and check it out yourself?

Colin:

They couldn’t wait to stuff their faces, so instead of worrying that you may be getting raped in a ditch, they got a corn dog.

And once again, they were in Port Angeles. Different place altogether. The reason she went along with them was cause the bookstore was in that town and they were going anyway.

Twilight - 546

It’s amazing how everyone in this movie wants to fuck someone else besides the person they’re with.

Twilight - 547

He apologizes for being late. He got caught up in some punani saw Bella and they got to talking.

Twilight - 548

“No… it’s totally cool.”

I like how it’s, “Where the fuck were you?!” and then, “Oh, getting dick. That’s cool.”

Twilight - 549

Naturally they were just leaving.

Twilight - 550

“I think I should make sure Bella gets something to eat.”

Hollywood sure isn’t.

Twilight - 551

“Yeah, that’s a totally good idea. I’d love something to eat.”

Like that DICK!

Colin:

“Yeah…you should eat something. LIKE DIS DICK!”

Twilight - 552

“I’ll drive you home myself.”

This doesn’t even pass for a good high school romance movie. And we haven’t even gotten to the vampires yet.

Twilight - 553

The best romance since Anakin and Padme.

Twilight - 554

Twilight - 555

Yes, laugh about how she’s gonna get dick right as they’re still there.

Colin:

And now these two are going off to giggle til they cum.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and the most hilarious revelation scene of all time.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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