Fun with Franchises: Twilight (2008), Part III — “This Is the Easiest Drinking Game Movie Ever”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today is Twilight, Part III.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the third part of Twilight:
We begin Part III during the most unrealistic part of this movie — Kristen Stewart eating food.
Is that what the waitresses look like in Washington?
Why does she have a tattoo on her tit?
Tattoo titties wants to get something for you. But he doesn’t like food.
He’s not eating.
But of course we had to know she’s eating mushroom ravioli.
She want the dick.
In this lighting, she just looked like Emma Watson for a second.
I think he meant the waitress, but honestly, the lack of a facial expression is entertaining the shit out of me.
“You’re really not gonna eat?”
I like this line, but it doesn’t have the inflection it should have. It’s more, “This is really happening?” and not, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
It should have the second tone.
He says he’s on a special diet.
Gummy bears and cum?
She wants answers.
He says some random shit.
“I don’t want to know what the square root of pi is.”
“You knew that?”
This is bonding?
(Also, the square root of three is 1.732, which was also the year George Washington was born. Please, if there are women out there who will have the sex with me because of that, let me know.)
I think if someone told me the square root of pi, I’d punch them in the face.
What’s your favorite palindrome?
“How did you know where I was?”
That’s the question? Of ALL the questions you could be asking, THAT’S the one?
He was fucking following you, idiot.
Oh, what, you’re not gonna eat?
He is your only ride home.
“Don’t leave…without paying.”
She asks if he followed her.
“I feel… very protective, of you.”
He looks like he has Asberger’s.
He was following her, by the way.
She’s now wondering how he heard what they were thinking.
Apparently the fact that he can read minds isn’t all that strange.
He spends most of this movie accidentally spilling the beans and then exhaling sharply as she asks relevant questions. That’s what this whole movie is.
tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside read every mind in this room.”
But not yours.
“Apart from yours.”
WOW. It’s like I can read minds.
Or bad dialogue.
So THAT’S what he meant when he said he couldn’t read her before. Aw man, this is deep.
Apparently everyone in this place is thinking about money or sex.
Ms. Meyer seems to have problems with both money and sex. These are both excellent things. Of which she now has both.
Or their cat.
The cat guy’s face…I just lost my shit. This is the guy that knows his mind is being read and goes, “Cause CATS ARE DOPE, MAN!”
Apparently it’s frustrating that he can’t read her mind.
Maybe you don’t get anything from her cause she’s stupid and doesn’t think about stuff. Or she ate so much lead as a kid that her skull isn’t transparent.
It would suck for people who were able to read my mind.
They’d think I had crazy ADD.
They’d probably kill themselves.
“Is there something wrong with me?”
A HA HA HA HA HA HA.
“Did you know? I can Jedi Mind Trick people. But not you.”
“Is there something wrong with me?”
You fucking idiot.
Apparently this amuses him.
As it should.
She doesn’t get it.
Are you really still contemplating this?
(This motherfucker would have been James Dean if this were 1955. But this Brando shit doesn’t work in 2008. He looks like a giant douchebag.)
“What is it?”
I see the hint of an expression.
“I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.”
And that’s the moment it was decided he was gonna get some.
He doesn’t have the strength. It’s like she’s inside his very soul, torturing him. But they can’t be together. She’s a senator.
I like how he took her to dinner to tell her this.
“I was following you. I can read minds. And I can’t stay away from you anymore.”
Honestly, I bet most women would be okay with this if you bought them dinner first.
Their relationship must be fascinating. Seriously.
Also, that line. Somebody shoot me in the fucking face.
Movies LOVE doing this. Crazy engine sounds and revving that would never happen with an automatic gearbox unless you had it floored, and you see the stuff outside going by at a leisurely pace.
This is funny. Now they have to drive home together after he said he can’t not stalk her anymore.
Just like with dad.
Did she just cum?
Is he still wearing lipstick?
“Your hand is so cold.”
Well that part of the sex must be awkward.
That was an entire scene, by the way. “I think I’m warm enough now.” “Your hand is so cold.” Looks.
His hands are cold. Wonder why.
Whoa. Police. We should stop. My dad’s one of those. Therefore I can go to crime scenes and be let right in.
Uh oh. Their dads are chilling together at a crime scene. The plot thickens!
I guess you can say the plot is now thicker than water.
The doc says it was an “animal attack.” Edward knows what that means.
Animal attacks. I’m actually okay with the sort of animal attacks that happen in most parts of the US. It’s usually a big mammal of some kind. You get mauled or whatever. My Australian colleague was talking about how terrified he is of bears and stuff, and asked me how I could go on nature walks knowing they were around. This is coming from an Australian, who lives in the country full of snakes, spiders, scorpions and all manner of wildlife that can sneak into your house or yard through little cracks and then poison you so fast you don’t realize it til it’s too late. I’m never living in Australia.
I like how she just goes, “I’ll see you later” and leaves him. He saved her from rape, paid for her dinner and drove her here. And she goes, “I’ll see you later.”
How about a thank you for dinner?
They’re brothers. Are they not brothers? Do they just keep moving to different towns and take turns being the “dad?” I’m most interested in how they manage to fool the government.
Isn’t it funny how in both franchises that are set in the modern day, they both have characters that are fooling the government in some way?
He really looks like he’s from the 80s.
Dad doesn’t seem surprised to see her.
Dad drinks a lot.
Just like Bilbo.
“It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.”
What did he just give her? That looks like a ninja turtle tampon.
Secret of the ooze indeed.
Naturally they’re just wheeling the body out at that exact moment.
Also weird that he did the autopsy at the police station and not at the scene of the crime or at a morgue or something.
Oh, but what happens here is, she brushes up against the body.
And then, this:
Really? That’s it? A little seizure montage to show her figuring out he’s a vampire?
Which – even that’s stretching it, since the montage DOESN’T TELL YOU SHIT!
Did she figure shit out there? I guess not?
And now a book is going to spell out what’s already fucking obvious to everyone but her.
The Cold One
FUCK YOU, EXPOSITION!
Just like that fucking Resurrection Stone…
Also, did you really just google something that was in a fucking book?
DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT A BOOK IS FOR?
If you search “cold one” on Google, I’m pretty sure you’re going to turn up beer.
But if you type “Asian cold one”…
A HA HA HA HA. It has a Mypsace page.
Wow. That seems convenient. “India, Japan, Egypt… Forks.”
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CLICKING EGYPT?
And then she clicks them all. Until…
Yes, thank you. We fucking get it.
The universal realization playbook. And they’re running it, step by step.
Please somebody kill me.
They still never use the V-word either.
Who the fuck are you, Conrad Veidt?
Getting some of that blood. Mm. Like that bitch ass steward.
You think virgin blood tastes better?
Or is regular blood better, since it’s been “boiled,” so to speak?
This is every scene of this movie. This shot.
Please run at him and shout, “I WILL SHOW YOU THE LIFE OF THE MIND!”
Is this supposed to be a big deal? Her walking toward him?
They slow it down like it’s this huge, gigantic moment. Who is she, Gary Cooper? What the fuck is this?
Because you have a Morricone riff underneath it like it means something.
And she just walks by him?
Still no thank you for dinner. Rude.
Not exactly Carol Reed direction, is it?
Also, I like how those steps serve no purpose.
Seriously, what are they there for?
Why is the camera tilting up? Is somebody gonna lose an ear?
Also, what kind of school do you go to that you can just wander into the fucking woods and nobody notices or cares?
I saw Scarface. I know what that means.
You just drop your backpack in the forest like that?
Trees soothe her.
“You’re impossibly fast, and strong. Your skin is pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change color. And sometimes you speak like you’re from a different time.”
(Just like Lana Turner.)
“You never eat or drink anything.”
(Just like Lana…)
“You never go out in the sunlight.”
That’s not a creepy shot at all.
She knows your game, homey. I can’t believe this is happening at all, let alone 50 minutes into the film.
“How old are you?”
That is always the correct answer.
Greatest moment in the franchise.
I guess this is a good time to tell that story, because we can.
My junior year of college, I was at lunch with Colin and our buddy Shiho, and this dude Andy was there with us. Asian guy. (Weren’t all you guys in that Physics for Future Presidents class? Isn’t that where you were coming from? Or going to? And I was probably not in class at all, as per usual.) And Shiho and Andy were already sitting down and eating while Colin and I stood on line to get stir fry. (Stir Fry was pretty much our main food source that year. That and cake, even though we wanted bananas.)
And stir fry always had a long line, so it would take us an extra five to ten minutes. And I got mine and walked back to the table and sat down. And Shiho was in the middle of convincing Andy that he was 17 years old. And I picked up on this and didn’t say anything, and Shiho asked me how old he was. And I said, “17,” completely going along with it. Just one of those, “No, that’s what it is. You don’t know this?” And Andy continued to not believe it, but Shiho kept pushing it.
And then Colin starts walking over. And Shiho and I both have this mental thought of, “Oh no, he’s gonna ask Colin. I really hope Colin says the right thing,” since we had no way of signaling anything to him without giving it away. So Colin walks over and Andy goes, “Colin, how old is Shiho?” And Shiho and I both hold our breaths. And Colin, without a moment’s hesitation, goes, “17,” and sits down like it was nothing. And Shiho and I both lost it. It was one of the most perfect moments. Just, “17.”
It’s things like that moment that don’t make all the times our comments are exactly the same surprising to me at all. Hilarious, but never surprising.
And just so you all know, from now on, the answer to how old we are is always going to be, “17.”
“How long have you been 17?”
What the fuck is this?
What’s “awhile?” Like eight months, or…?
“I know what you are.”
What the fuck is going on right now?
This is like the worse version of Javier Bardem telling Judi Dench to say his name. In that movie, not in bed.
You’d think that was the link I went for, but it isn’t. (Because I used that one already.)
It was between the one I chose and Aaron Eckhart going crazy on Gary Oldman in the hospital room.
I stand by my choice.
I like how we have all these weird, unnecessary shots in between. The camera just sort of swoops and moves all over the place for absolutely no reason at all, and they just leave it in there.
Just awful, awful direction.
“Are you afraid?”
(Note: If the answer was yes, her face would still be the same.)
Yeah, I’m sure she’s terrified. That’s why she brought you into the woods before confronting you.
“Then ask me the most basic question – what do we eat?”
That’s the most basic question?
I feel like the most basic question is, “What the fuck?” or, “So what’s that about?”
I mean what is the deal with vampires?
Or rather, “How come you didn’t kill me yet?” That’s probably the most basic question at this point.
Then again, it seems like this entire movie is pointing out that this girl ain’t exactly no basic bitch.
This is so bad I can’t feel my toes.
“And you won’t hurt me?”
Boy, that really diffused the moment.
“Where are we going?”
To the fucking zoo! Why the fuck are you asking such stupid questions. He has super speed, super strength, and is immortal. Do you REALLY think you have any control over what’s happening right now?
Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house.
“Up the mountain, out of the cloud bank. You need to see what I look like in the sunlight.”
Is it weird that to me, the most interesting thing about Edward is that his grandmother was probably born in the 1840s or 1850s? That shit is fascinating to me, but obviously it won’t be covered. Like, my one of my great-grandfathers was born in 1871, and that shit is WILD to me.
A HA HA HA HA. This is hilarious!
She wanna get fucked.
Hah. This looks horrible. How many screenshots is this movie going to have? Can we have negative screenshots for a movie? Can I use the spillover from Return of the King for this week’s favorite shots? And for those of you who read the Return of the King favorite shots, you know we still had spillover after all that.
Who thought this would look good?
This is ridiculous.
This shot is actually a welcome palate cleanser. Normally I’d be upset at this shot, but here, it’s the lesser of two evils.
“This is why we don’t show ourselves in sunlight.”
Wouldn’t it be great if he got hit by a car right now?
(Not Scary Movie, just a sincere wish.)
He looks like a fucking disco ball.
He looks like a unicorn came all over him.
it happens cause they’re always horny i’m drunk you guys
“It’s like diamonds.”
Or the Ark of the fucking Covenant.
A HA HA HA HA HA HA.
“Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer, Bella.”
Picture him saying that like Peter Lorre. Then this shot is complete.
Humble brag. He just brought here up here to see his shiny diamond skin and then acts like it sucks? That’s like dropping your American Express Black Card and going, “You don’t understand! It’s made of titanium! My wallet is slightly heavier than it should be!”
Weird how that’s the only ray of sunlight in this entire forest.
“I’m a killer.”
“I don’t believe that.”
This is every girl’s wet dream. This is why so many of them go nuts about it. A guy who’s tormented by his own identity as a super slick superhuman killing machine.
“Wait, where are you going? I want that sparkly dick.”
“It’s because you believe the lie. The camouflage.”
“I’m the world’s most dangerous predator.”
This level of writing is usually reserved for Telemundo.
I’d like to see him take on the world’s most dangerous Predator drone.
“Everything about me invites you in. My voice, my face…”
All of this is bullshit. His voice and his face are the same as when he was human. So nothing has changed, and therefore, these traits cannot be attributed to his vampire-ness.
“Even my smell.”
She likes the smell.
“As if I would need any of that.”
She’s so fucking turned on right now.
“As if you could outrun me!”
Is he playing the circle game down there?
Looks like he’s playing the circle game up there.
Tally oh, fuck you.
“See if you can fight me off.”
This is so disturbingly serial killer-y.
FUCK THESE BRANCHES!
“I’m designed to kill.”
“I don’t care.”
She wants you to murder her pussy.
Some white women are just naturally victims.
“I’ve killed people before.”
Yes. I’ve gathered. We’ve all gathered.
“It doesn’t matter.”
Yeah, it kinda does.
What’s with these fucking camera movements?
“I wanted to kill you.”
There’s the panty dropper.
“I’ve never wanted a human’s blood so much in my life.”
“I trust you.”
“I’m here. I trust you.”
George Lucas, eat your heart out.
What a stupid shot.
I don’t think even a vampire would eat out George Lucas’ heart.
It would be tough to get past the denim.
“My family, we’re different from others of our kind. We only hunt animals. We learn to control our thirst.”
What a stupid shot.
“It’s you – your scent – it’s like a drug to me.”
“You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.”
A HA HA HA HA HA HA I can’t I really can’t
Somebody call Lou Reed.
By the way, this is the Mormon thing. This is a man trying to overcome his lust and animal natures to become something good and pure. Rejecting money and sex, and giving up that which he desires most.
“Why did you hate me so much when we met?”
Bitch, were you ever in the first grade?
He even says it, it’s because he wanted her so badly.
See? He has to be driven crazy by her, and that’s why he’s so attracted to her. It’s the religious ascetic aspect – forcing yourself to be as close to the thing you crave as possible, and demonstrating your chastity through restraint.
“I still don’t know if I can control myself.”
“I know you can.”
“I can’t read your mind. You have to tell me what you’re thinking.”
There’ s also no good reason why he can’t read her mind. Maybe it’ll come out later. But what the hell is up with her?
“Now I’m afraid.”
A HA HA HA HA HA HA oh my god
The only thing missing from this is Nicolas Cage going Full Cage.
They’re in the forest in Washington State…there’s a pretty decent chance they could run into some elk.
“I’m not afraid of you.”
But… you jut said…
“I’m only afraid of losing you.”
This is possibly worse than Anakin and Padme.
Possibly? At least there’s darkness at the end of that tunnel.
That’s right. One of them gets to die and be paraded around with a couple of fake babies stretching out her dead abdomen. The other gets electrocuted and then burned. Thank god for happy endings.
“You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.”
“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.”
“What a stupid lamb.”
“What a sick and masochistic lion.”
It isn’t. Also, I just spent a solid 20 minutes listening to the scores from the three most recent Bond films. Wow.
WHAT’S WITH THE FUCKING CAMERA MOVEMENTS?!!!
Wow, this is the easiest drinking game movie ever.
More so than a Nicolas Cage movie.
WHY IS IT STILL MOVING?
If we’re not panning up to sex this shot is stupid.
Also, why is he talking with her so easily now. Shouldn’t he always be one step away from Roy’ing her?
Hey, baby, ever get yo pussy sucked by a vampire?
WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS HE LAYING DOWN TOO?!!
He’s not even going down on her? What the fuck are we watching for, then?
Are they gonna touch themselves and look at each other? Is this what Mormons do?
We are all in agreement about how stupid he looks, right?
There goes the hand!
This is so fake sexual it’s unbelievable. She lies back, her chest is heaving. He lies down next to her, cool as a [pickled] cucumber. This is all just, “Look, kids! You can have sex without having sex! And this kind is better!”
This reminds me of that shot in Spider-Man 3 where they’re laying on the web and it clearly looks like Kirsten Dunst is giving him a handy.
I’d like to thank Mike for always linking to these things. This blog will always be that place were ridiculous film images will be discovered or referenced.
I just burst out laughing when I saw this.
The sun is like a black light on hotel sheets with him.
I can’t feel my legs!
No… I’m not talking about the movie. I mean I actually can’t feel my legs.
Jim Beam, we hardly knew ye.
I had to buy some white wine to drown out the white whine.
“About three things I was absolutely positive–”
Is the first that you bite your lip too much?
Also, answer me these questions three much.
“First, Edward was a vampire.”
Completely necessary voiceover. Completely necessary.
“Second – there was a part of him, and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be, that thirsted for my blood.”
This was all explained in the previous scene. Why do we need this at all?
They even lay it out for you. He’s a vampire, and he has to control himself to be with her because the bloodlust is too great.
“And third – I was unconditionally, and irrevocably in love with him.”
This is what it looks like when you’re in love, right?
Not quite sure where we are or what this school’s mascot is.
So, their prom theme is Monte Carlo, gambling, and Bond?
Oh, Colin is not gonna be happy about this at all.
I don’t know who’s responsible for this, but they deserve to be shot in the crotch. With a shark cannon. Were you responsible for this, Stephenie? Cause if so, your cunt is destined for a hammerhead.
Also, my school’s all night graduation party was like this, sort of. They make a big thing of it, with a theme and everything. And since we were the class of 2007, and Casino Royale had come out our senior year, we all assume it’d be a Bond theme. The parent organizers even made a point to put Bond shit around the entrance to the school and leak it in advance, but it was a ruse and none of the party had anything to do with it. I actually don’t remember what the theme ended up being, but I do remember being pissed they would tease me with Bond like that and not take it all the way.
Why do you have sunglasses?
This school is just a parking lot and a cafeteria, huh?
Aren’t all schools?
Plus, whenever they do show a classroom (see, the next movie), it’s some horribly cliched “learning” scene that’s awfully written.
“You know, everybody’s staring.”
Really? I wasn’t quite sure. Maybe you should confirm it another way.
This bitch is BLURRY. She needs a doctor.
He’s a bad boy, he wears sunglasses!
They seem pleased.
His ‘siblings’ don’t seem to be pleased. Even though they have a nice Mercedes.
“So, does a person have to be dying, to become like you?”
“No, that’s just Carlisle. He’d never do this to someone who didn’t have the choice.”
“So how long have you been like this?”
Holy shit, he DOES look like Conrad Veidt.
They could make a hell of a Caligari remake with this guy.
Since 1918! Was he a soldier in the Great War? I’d be down if there were flashbacks to him fighting in France or something.
All Sad and Depressed on the Western Front.
Apparently it was harder for Carlisle to not kill him.
This is another thing. Since I give less than a shit about supernatural beings, I had no idea how vampires or werewolves worked. I guess I thought if you were bitten, you became a vampire. But they have to leave you alive, of course. Rather than killing you completely. Cause otherwise, the number of vampires would just multiply and multiply.
The fucking lip biting…
Apparently it’s almost impossible for them to stop once they’ve tasted human blood.
So apparently Carlisle bit his wife after he bit Edward.
His wife wasn’t a vampire? Did they discuss it before he turned his wife into a vampire?
He doesn’t want to be a monster.
His family are vampire vegetarians. They only eat animals.
Vegetarians. Hah. That’s cute.
They’re still killing animals. Vegans and PETA don’t have a problem with this?
Apparently it’s like eating tofu – it keeps you strong, but you’re never fully satisfied.
And it sucks.
Because tofu sucks.
What’s cuter is that he then goes on to compare it to being an actual vegetarian and stating how that lifestyle never actually satisfies you. I agree with that statement personally (even though Japanese tofu is fucking amazing), but that’s seriously condescending to vegetarians.
I’ll agree with that. But vegans — fuck them. Vegetarians I can live with, because at least they can occasionally eat some meat and eat fish and shit. Vegans — yuccch.
“It wouldn’t be like drinking your blood, for instance.”
He’s the only one that can read minds. Alice can see the future. So apparently it’s like a grab bag of what other supernatural abilities you get when becoming a vampire. Which pretty much leaves almost no downside.
Alice? Which one was that? The…vampire…chick?
Yeah, they do a horrible job of telling you which one any of the others are. They do it once and expect you to remember it despite them never being on the screen. I think the problem with a lot of these teen ones that come out is that they expect you to have read the books for big details, and not just smaller details, like NEWT.
But apparently Alice’s visions are subjective.
Visions are subjective, eh? This is four franchises in a row where seeing the future is a factor. Five if you count the Bond articles. Solitaire from Live and Let Die, Divination and prophecies from Harry Potter, Force visions in Star Wars, the magic mirror and elf visions from Lord of the Rings, and now this. Tell me we’re doing the Matrix movies next.
I don’t know. Are we?
Also, Solitaire… oh, I love her.
Why would you hang around a place where there are hundreds of stakes just sticking out of the ground?
It’s an old pier, or possibly even a huge weir. Strange how similar those words are. And how I learned about weirs in the 3rd grade when we studied Native Americans and how I’m still pretty much a weir expert.
When in doubt, end your scene with a tally ho.
And even better, END PART III with a tally ho, because what better ending is there?
The end of the movie?
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part IV, and baseball. You think I’m kidding, too. Oh, just fucking wait.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)