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Archive for February, 2011

Oscar Recap, or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Race

Look’s like the Academy is the King’s Bitch (pronounced bee-tch. You know, because if you say it all fast and all it sounds like King’s Speech). To accurately display my affection for the Academy’s choices last night, I offer it in the king’s own speech”

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. SHIT. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck, fuck, fuck and bugger, bugger, bugger, buggity, buggity, buggity, fuck, fuck, ass. Balls, balls, fuckity shit, shit, fucking, willy, willy, shit, and fuck and … tits.”

I’m not that upset that The King’s Speech won, it’s just that, it’s boring. It’s a boring choice. For a boring Academy who put on an equally boring ceremony. Sure, it had its moments, but most of them were improv’d by an amazing Kirk Douglas or a reeeeally happy Melissa Leo. Some of the scripted stuff worked, but that was mostly because of how game Anne Hathaway was.

Though even though he was a good sport about it and the song was good, what was with the shitting all over Hugh Jackman all night? He was the Best Oscar host they had since Billy Crystal (who was amazing for the three minutes he was on-screen), and would have been amazing if they had picked him to host with Anne Hathaway (Franco just looked bored and tired the whole time. I said the whole time he isn’t funny. Terrible choice all around). She did a great job (for the most part), and should be asked back in the future.

So let’s get to the awards. Since I don’t care to discuss how bad the songs were or the fact that they didn’t even out and out state that Lena Horne is something other than white (both pictures of her were in black and white and Halle Berry only said how she made it easier “for us” to move forward in the business. The Academy was very specific in their word choices). We’ll leave that to whoever cares to discuss such matters. I’m all about the awards.

First — Best Picture. (more…)

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Pic of the Day: “If you don’t get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what’s gonna happen to you? … You’re gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.”

Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb - 107


Guide to Oscar Night: Picks, Analysis, etc. (Mostly the etc.)

Folks, this is where the money should go.

Rather than checking all those sites of people who do nothing but follow Oscar precursors and stuff, you can read me, who reads some of them, and then does what he wants anyway. And has personality. I have so much charm, you know you’d rather read me. It comes naturally. My grandfather was a snake.

I’m awesome, is what I’m saying.

How this works is: Because I know you’re dying to hear what I think, I’m going to rank every category based on personal preference. Then, in each category, I will list, 1) Who is most likely to win, 2) Who I’d vote for — which is essentially the more politicized version of my rankings. Example: My #1 movie on the Best Picture list isn’t one of the two favorites for Best Picture. Therefore, my vote goes toward the one I’d like to see win more. Green?, 3) Who the biggest competition is for the person most likely to win. Often times I will explain how tight the race is so you can get an idea of just how likely the likely person is likely to win, 4) Who the spoiler is — there’s always a chance some dark horse comes in and upsets the category. Usually these dark horse candidates are pretty obvious. Very rarely does an out and out shock happen — especially in the larger categories. So, in this case, when I give you the top three people in order of likelihood to win, know that anyone else who wins that category is probably going to be a huge shock to everybody, and 5) Who the best bet is to put your money on. For those of you running pools or whatever. I’ve gotten out of the game myself, mostly because now I have this, and my picks are now being publicized. Kind of hard to compete with others when your game plan can be seen beforehand (ain’t that right, Bill Belichick?). This is purely to be used to help others. So now you can win all your Oscar pools and I can feel good knowing that I still got it.

I’m also going to color coordinate all the films so that way you can have an easier time looking for them. See all the things I do for you? I’m just like Bryan Adams. Only not Canadian. Which… come on. (more…)


Pic of the Day: “That would have been a good joke … if it was funny.”


The Oscar Quest: Best Picture & Best Director – 2009

Our last one. Our most recent one. Also our most contentious one because it is the most recent one. So, I’m not going to spend too much time on this one. I’m just gonna say my thoughts on each movie as briefly as I can, and elaborate in a few years.

Best Picture – 2009

And the nominees were…

Avatar (20th Century Fox)

The Blind Side (Warner Bros.)

District 9 (TriStar Pictures)

An Education (Sony Pictures Classics)

The Hurt Locker (Summit Entertainment)

Inglourious Basterds (The Weinstein Company, Universal Studios)

Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire (Lions Gate Entertainment)

A Serious Man (Focus Features)

Up (Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Animation Studios)

Up in the Air (Paramount Pictures) (more…)


Best Picture: Follow the Money. Just…follow the money.

Because I like to help you out as much as humanly possible, I’m going to give you some more information that might help you out when you’re picking your winners tomorrow night. Do with it what you will.

I read an article, which I can’t find again for the life of me, that said, essentially, that the Academy likes voting for films that make money. It’s not enough for a film to be good, but the film must also be successful financially. It said that in almost every year that the Best Picture winner (when it was 5 nominees), was almost always in the top 2 grossing films on that list. Occasionally it was 3rd, and almost never was it 4th or 5th. So, basically, if a film is not in the top (whatever percentage) grossers of the Best Picture nominations list, then essentially it has no chance of winning Best Picture. Fucked up, right? Well, not really, in a business that’s predicated on dollars and cents. And has all dollars and no sense. Zing.

Of course, this is not a concrete theory by any stretch of the imagination, but when you’re dealing with something so difficult to guess — think of having to pick a game between the Buffalo Bills and the Cleveland Browns, where the spread is -3 toward the home team, whichever the fuck it is. And they were both equally the worst teams in football. It’s not that hard to picture. How could you honestly differentiate? You’d look for any kind of rationale to pick whichever team you’re going to pick for, using whatever kind of information you had at your disposal. Oh, the Bills played the Broncos once and lost by 3 points in overtime. And the Browns lost by one point to the Broncos last season! And the Bills are 2-4 at home and have trouble in November games. And, the Browns quarterback hasn’t taken a shit in three whole weeks. You know? You find the weirdest possible statistics when something appears so evenly matched (or you really don’t give that much of a shit about it). So, this is just that. More information at your disposal. If it works out I get to take full credit for it. “See, I told you! The numbers don’t lie!” And if it loses, well, it’s an interesting trend, and of course, it’s not binding. There were X number of factors that make it an anomaly and really don’t incorporate it into the part of the theory that makes it work. Plus, before giving the speech, the King hadn’t shit for three whole weeks, and that’s why… (more…)


The Oscar Quest: Best Actor & Best Actress – 2009

The best way to describe these two categories is by referring to Goodfellas. Why? Because that’s what came to mind when I thought about them. It’s the moment right after they shoot Joe Pesci in the head, at the end of “Layla,” when De Niro and Ray Liotta think he’s gonna get made. And De Niro’s on the pay phone with the other guy, who is actually Martin Scorsese’s father, and he’s expecting them to be like, “Ceremony went well, it’s official,” when instead he says, “We had a problem, and we tried to do everything we could.” And De Niro’s like, “What, what do you mean, problem?” And the guy says, “I mean he’s gone. And we couldn’t do nothing about it.” That’s what best describes these races. They won, and we couldn’t do nothing about it.

There wasn’t anything that could be done about either person winning these races, even though one was a bit undeserving for the performance alone, but was hugely deserving as an actor, and the other shouldn’t have even been attending the ceremony as a guest. Quite simply one of the worst Best Actress choices of all time. And I say that because, had they given her an Oscar in a year that didn’t feature an amazing performance, like say, 2005, when the exact same thing happened, or 2006, one of those years, where you really couldn’t definitively single out one performance to vote for, then an Oscar like this is okay. This year, it counts as one of the worst decisions of all time (right up there with 1970, and oh boy, wait until we get to 1970). And there wasn’t nothing that could be done. (more…)