Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Part III — “What the Fuck Is Limbo Mist?”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Part III.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the third part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
We begin today walking through the castle…
Neville’s found the Room of Requirement.
And how come no one’s found this before in the franchise? No one’s ever really needed a place to fuck before? I feel like everything in this franchise has “of Requirement” at the end of it.
Also, very strangely, over this shot, we hear Hermione’s voiceover say, “You’ve done it, Neville. You’ve found the Room of Requirement,” as if he unlocked some sort of hidden bonus or something. I know they cut to all of them in the room, but the opening part of the line clearly sounds like ADR. I’m very good at spotting ADR in movies, and this line was HORRENDOUSLY ADR.
Also, if you didn’t think this room was really the sex room, Hermione says it’s also known as the “Come and Go Room.”
I rest my case.
The funny part is that we say “come” and the Japanese slang term is “to go”…so when you sleep with a Japanese girl, you’re coming and she’s going. But Cho’s Chinese-Scottish. What were we talking about?
That the Japanese have it correct. I come and then she is GOING.
Though I do like a good accent…
Does it change once you’re in there? Could it turn into a shag pad all of a sudden if Harry and Cho got all hot and bothered in the middle of a lesson?
“It only appears when a person has real need of it.” It’s the word real that makes it annoyingly convenient. It’s also always equipped for the seeker’s needs.
I love that Ron’s like, “So say you really need to shit…”
Look at this thing. It’s like a creepy wooden sex doll. Why is the target painted on poorly? They didn’t make it, I assume it’s just in the room. I guess someone ‘required’ a mannequin to practice spells on — they just didn’t ‘require’ one that didn’t reek of shoddy craftsmanship and slapdash painting.
“You’re just flourishing your wand too much.”
Really? That’s a thing? They’ve abandoned the wand movement thing since movie one. You’re gonna bring it up now? No. He’s a fuck up, and leave it at that.
So apparently that’s what it is? Expelliarmus is all over the place because sometimes they don’t do it correctly? It’s like the punting of magic? Sometimes you shank one, sometimes you don’t.
“Copy this shit down. There’s no need to talk.”
What in the fuck is ‘LIMBO MIST?’?
“No need to think is more like it, you dumb cunt.”
“What was that?”
“I said you didn’t have to be so blunt.”
Filch! He’s a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost….
You’d think he’d know about the room by now.
Harry’s gonna teach him the stunning spell.
“It’s sort of a wizard’s bread and butter, really.”
I was gonna argue with that, but it’s actually a fair point. Though if it is a wizard’s bread and butter, how come we’ve never seen you use it or even learn it before?
He should really qualify the ‘wizard’ part. It’s HIS bread and butter. Everyone else seems to be content murdering and cursing.
I’ll say it again — Harry Potter never directly kills someone with a spell. Other people certainly do, even good guys. So you choose the spell that has no real use other than to immobilize your opponent — the Roofie of the wizarding world — to describe as a wizard’s bread and butter? Nice. Real nice.
For a second I thought he was gonna do it to Nigel. How funny would it be if they just stunned the shit out of a second year for kicks?
Let’s practice a spell that launches us into the air backwards. I’ll stand in front of the fire so you can see me clearly!
I feel like this spell could be used for fun in the right circumstances.
Noticed an error here. See the twins? They’re both wearing Gryffindor ties, but Padma’s a Ravenclaw. Padma (on the right) should have a tie like Cho’s. This is a consistent error in the films. They clearly didn’t think about it during filming, even though Padma has a Ravenclaw tie on for the promo photos. Oops.
You think they switched houses occasionally just to fuck with people?
He just hit puberty.
Ha ha ha. He had to make that himself.
Oh my god, you’re right. This IS the movie that Harry fucks up his chances to get with Hermione.
Guys, I was right about something! It doesn’t happen often, I just talk a lot.
(Isn’t that more of a Ron note?)
Ron says he’ll go easy on her.
I love how she shakes her head as he walks away. Like, “This motherfucker don’t know what he’s in for.”
I love how she’s just aloof to everything.
What the fuck was that about?
Is that racist? I kind of want to think that’s racist.
Grove Street for life!
Nice little Black Power moment from Neville. Cause if any two guys here fit the “Black Power” image, it’s Ron and Neville.
God damn, man. Look at her face. You have NO shot at this.
Man, don’t you remember when she quick drawed a bunch of Cornish pixies? What the fuck did you think was gonna happen?
Look at his stupid face.
THIS REACTION IS PRICELESS.
I REALLY want to make a Harry Potter western. Oh my GOD would that be the greatest thing ever.
The Man Who Shot Liberty Voldemort?
The Godric’s-Hollow Incident.
My Darling Hermione.
Dobby Unchained. As we’ve established.
Okay, one more…
The Assassination of Albus Dumbledore by the Coward Severus Snape.
And his brothers bet on him. The joke being that one said he’d last a second and the other said, “You’re on,” and he’s the one that got paid, since the assumption was that he’d last longer than a second, meanwhile he was actually betting that he wouldn’t even get to a second. And this was all understood between them. That’s awesome.
Let’s just note how Hermione is now the darling of every non-Slytherin girl in the school. Everyone used to hate her. Go ahead and gloat, but none of this would be happening if Harry and Ron hadn’t saved you from that troll and become your friends. Seriously, if that hadn’t happened…remember the scenario from It’s A Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart’s wife if he’d never have been born? Yeah, that’s you without these two, Hermione. But still, you’re my favorite of the three, so we’ll let it pass.
“I let her do that.”
I’m glad Filch has a moment to shine for once.
He shines a lot. I seen him shining trophies and plaques and all kinds of shit. Yeah, you heard me.
I like how it’s both a proclamation and a decree.
Oh, what a lovely Tea Party.
(See that? Layers.)
“A little higher. There you go. Daddy’s gonna help you wit dat grip.”
Seriously, Harry, Cho looks good to go. Like for real, man — ask Neville if he has any gillyweed cause you’re gonna need some gills where you’re going.
Chocolates? For me? Waiting for me where I keep guard for suspicious activity? DON’T MIND IF I DO!
Isn’t it great how he holds the little chocolate up like Gollum holding the ring?
This is why they invented 3D.
I hope she didn’t break one of her torture quills.
Wait… what did she break? Wizards don’t have pencils.
So many things I could say about this shot. So many.
Is this like a Hitler Youth?
Didn’t Mrs. Norris have red eyes in an earlier movie?
What spell is that? Why are we even seeing this?
Note that this new Inquisitorial Squad is all Slytherins. I’m pretty sure it should be decided that Slytherins never get to hold any authority position and that if they do, it’s a guarantee that the authority is illegitimate and/or evil.
I like how they’re just Stupefying each other left and right.
That’s a Magic Dick moment right there.
He says every great wizard started out as a student, like them. “If they can do it, why not us?”
That works both ways, motherfucker.
I support skipping.
Or maybe we want to throw a beat on it.
“Expelliarmus!” (It doesn’t have a wand anymore!)
As I pointed out some time earlier, Harry has no business knowing that many more spells than anyone else. And if you notice, 99 percent of this montage is Expelliarmus, Stupefy and Levicorpus. That constitutes how many lessons?
Well goddamn, Ginny.
The Patil twins also made the same face they’d make if they saw a video of Ginny’s head game. You can’t mess with this skank.
With head game like that, you most certainly could.
She’s a bird, man. One you just take home and wear out.
They ALL want to fuck her.
“Yeah, I know.”
“It was nothing.”
And the fates are sealed.
He doesn’t sound like he’s been teaching her well. She’s pretty timid on that Expelliarmus.
This is one of those, “No, you’re doing great,” moments to the hot girl, even though she has no idea what the fuck she’s doing.
If only hot people — and it’s mostly hot girls — knew how many passes they got for being mediocre. If you’re hot, trust me, you’re terrible at more things than you think. We just don’t care.
Oh, the things he’s gonna do to her later…
I love that this is the sign that they’re all ready. That Neville can do something. Motherfucker, we just SAW him do an Expelliarmus IN the montage!
That’s the last lesson before the holidays.
“Keep practicing on your own as best you can.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why are there ugly people in this shot?
That guy is giving him the eye too.
They’re already making plans to go fuck. YOU’RE LOSING YOUR CHANCE, HARRY!
Oh, they’re totally gonna go fuck.
Now’s your chance to use her dead boyfriend to get into her pants.
(Also, remember when the last movie didn’t tell you that they were dating at all? They just showed them at the ball together. The ball where nobody really took anyone they were dating. They just took the people they asked.)
“See you in the common room, Harry.”
Wow, they’re TOTALLY going to fuck. Oh my god. She’s openly telling him this, and he’s too preoccupied to notice.
AND LOOK AT THAT GLANCE!
Oh, yeah, and that one too.
Of course we’d notice Ginny making that face NOW. I checked the book, and there’s NO mention of this whatsoever. Rowling doesn’t even mention Ginny’s name, let alone say that she’s looking aloof as Harry goes over to hang out with Cho. You can’t just start making stuff up, especially when it runs counter to the fact that Ginny Weasley is a ho.
I think she was looking aloof because she was paying attention and didn’t want him to see just how she felt about it.
But, you know, this is me, the writer, reading into it, since I am the person that expects people to fill in the gaps in their heads. So I support Rowling on this one. (JK.)
“Hey, baby. I saw you over here bein’ Asian. Thought I’d say hello.”
Getting cockblocked by a dead guy.
I never really got the picture thing. Do they all see what’s going on or are they caught in the moment the photo was taken? Sometimes they seem to leave the picture frame and go off to do other stuff — I’ve mentioned this before, but what do they do? Do they have lives? Is it like their day job to just be in the frame so real people can enjoy the picture? How sentient or lucid are the people in the pictures? It seemed like when Cho and Harry looked at Cedric’s picture, he made a cool kid face. So is he aware of what’s going on? If so, is the Cedric in the picture going to flip the fuck out in about five seconds when he witnesses what happens? How about Sirius Black’s picture in the paper? He’s yelling and screaming at everyone, including Harry, so it doesn’t look like the picture knows who it’s looking at.
Didn’t we have this discussion already? I forget. I’ll just reiterate my feelings on the matter, which are — pictures are taken in the moment and reflect that moment, and portraits are more of a living thing, where they do retain a sort of personality and can do what they want.
She wonders if Cedric knew all this stuff.
“Oh, he TOTALLY did.”
Of course that’s what you’d say.
“He was really good. It’s just – Voldemort was better.”
AKA “Voldemort was better than Cedric, and I fought Voldemort, and I’m still here so, *zip*!”
“You’re a really good teacher, Harry.”
As someone who’s had considerable experience with Asian ladies…I have to say pretty much the same thing that Ferris Bueller says about the 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California: They’re so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. Much like the Ferrari, they’re best enjoyed topless. (And when you’re done, kick her into a gully.)
“I’ve never been able to stun anything before.”
Well it’s sure as shit not poison sumac.
“Oh, I ain’t even gotta put in the work no more.”
“Probably full of Nargles, though.”
I feel like this is an insult you direct at someone. Like, “Her snatch is probably full of Nargles.”
“What are Nargles?”
“Oh, you’ll be finding out soon, baby. You’ll be finding out soon.”
RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DEAD GUY!
Ooooooooooooh baby, I like yo jawline! Seriously, I like her more than I should. Mostly cause this franchise is a bunch of weird looking white people in robes. She’s worth looking at. She make this look good. Mm. God damn. I don’t have anything specific left to say, but this is pretty much my high point for the franchise, so I want to savor it. Let’s do that. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi….
Three Mississippis equals one Mississippi Burning.
And for those not familiar with movies or history, that’s the 1960s equivalent of counting West Memphis’s.
How many takes you think they did of this?
“Well, how was it?”
Shouldn’t he be asking you two that?
“Wet. I mean, she was sort of crying…”
He’s just described every sexual experience I’ve ever had. :(
“That bad at it, are you?”
“I’m sure Harry’s kissing was more than satisfactory.”
There’s still a chance!
I love the nod. “Yes. It was satisfactory. There.”
“Cho spends half her time crying these days.”
“You’d think a bit of snogging’d cheer her up.”
“Yeah… you would…”
“Don’t you understand how she must be feeling?”
No. She initiated the mistletoe.
None of them know.
“Well, obviously she’s feeling sad about Cedric, and therefore confused about liking Harry, and guilty about kissing him, conflicted because Umbridge is threatening to sack her mom from her job at the Ministry (Note: They do all work there, don’t they?), and frightened of failing her OWLs because she’s so busy worrying about everything else.”
“One person couldn’t feel all that. They’d explode.”
“Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon…”
Yes, Hermione, your explanation of female emotions was ridiculous. Let us all laugh. Oh. She actually looks kinda evil here.
Not gonna lie, this was actually one of my favorite moments in the entire franchise. I’ve already said how I like it when they work in these shots, but here they make it a big deal later on at the end of the film. It just feels like a really nice moment that happened to be captured on film (even though I know it was completely scripted).
Jerking off again.
Well damn. That’s dark.
How hilarious would it be if he woke up from this dream covered in jizz?
YEAH! MAGGIE’S GOT HER HAIR DOWN!
“In the dream, were you standing next to the victim, or looking down at the scene?”
“Neither. It was like I was – Professor, will you just tell me what’s happened?”
“Everard, Arthur’s on guard duty tonight. Make sure he’s found by the right people.”
Do paintings follow different rules than photos? The Fat Lady has a full-on personality and everything, and these paintings can talk and run errands. PLEASE EXPLAIN, JK LOL
There’s only one part of this shot that caught my attention.
“Tell them that Arthur Weasley is gravely injured.”
We find out Arthur’s okay and will make it. And “the Dark Lord failed to acquire it.”
“Look at me!”
(His liver is FUCKED!)
“What’s happening to me?”
Wow, this moment is better than I remembered. I was gonna make a puberty joke, but this is actually legit.
“It can’t wait. Even til the morning. Otherwise, we’ll all be vulnerable.”
What kind of fucked up shit is gonna go on in THAT dungeon?
These stairs look like an Omastar.
For some reason that just made me think of an Omastairmaster.
“It appears there is a connection between the Dark Lord’s mind and your own.”
(Look at that wine? ’53?)
“Whether or not he is aware of this connection is, at the moment, unclear.”
Holy shit. This is legit. He’s like the Winston Wolf of Hogwarts.
Harry Potter TV series idea: The Winston Wolf of Hogwarts.
“Pray he remains ignorant.”
“You mean, if he knows about it, he’ll be able to read my mind?”
“Read it, control it, unhinge it.”
“In the past, it was often the Dark Lord’s pleasure to invade the minds of his victims, creating visions designed to torture them into madness.”
“Only after extracting the last exquisite ounce of agony, when he had them literally begging for death, would he finally kill them.”
He sounds fun.
Snape is gonna teach him Occlumency, which can shield his mind from this.
So Snape actually is the most qualified Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher they have.
“I will attempt to penetrate your mind. You will attempt to resist.”
Brain Rape Lessons with Professor Snape! I caught one of these down at the learning annex a few years ago, and it blew my mind. Against my will.
Does he say “Legitimate” here?
Hermione always looks like she’s taking a dick.
On the one hand, he didn’t really tell him how to defend himself, but on the other, that is technically what the exercise is all about. But on the other, how is he supposed to learn what to do and do it if he’s not even given a heads up first? Or is the power of occlumency just concentration? Like, “No, this is definitely not okay,” and then it’s okay again.
Maybe some rules.
In case you missed all this, Harry is in the basement with Professor Rape.
I got visited by three spirits last night, trying to find logic in that last scene. Jim Beam, Jonny Walker and Jack Daniels.
It was a three-fifths compromise.
I love that. Also, I’m drinking Suntory Whiskey at the moment. Relaxing times, and such.
“And a nice big box on Ginn– a nice big box for Ron!”
It’s cool how you see the twins swap their presents.
Just like their women.
Wow, that’s… scarily accurate.
He doesn’t have any parents.
A toast to Harry.
Where’s the rest of the Order? You mean to tell me Mad Eye’s got a family to go home to?
I didn’t cover part of the scene because I have a glass of wine right now and I just raised it and drank without even thinking. Gotta watch out for people proposing toasts in movies, cause if I’m drinking at the time, I ALWAYS do it with them. This is why I try to not drink while watching The Thin Man.
I just create my own toasts. I toast my next sip a lot.
Hey, this is fun. The first time through, I was drinking wine. This time doing editing, I’m having Suntory Whiskey. Readers should know that these two instances were about two weeks apart, but who gives a shit? Booze.
Lots of pre- and post-sex moments with them in this one.
What’s in this room?
Kreacher serves a family of Blacks. I guess it’s like when Forrest gives Bubba’s mom half of the earnings and she gets white servants.
I think he’s more like Stephen in Django. He just thinks he’s part of the family and goes completely against his own kind. This fucking elf is racist as shit.
“Kreacher, shut the fuck up! I know it was you, I ain’t even gotta look!”
“Sorry about that.”
This was his parent’s house. He gave it to Dumbledore to use for the Order. “About the only useful thing I’ve been able to do.”
The Black family tree.
His mother did that when he ran away.
“I was sixteen.”
Harry asks where he went. He says, “To your dad’s.”
He sees a lot of James in Harry.
But he has his mother’s eyes, though, right?
Harry’s not so sure.
Oh, and Harry also says some shit about worrying that the connection between him and Voldemort is because he’s becoming more like him.
“I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person that bad things have happened to.”
He also says…
We both have both light and dark in us? Like…a turkey? Or a jedi?
“What matters is the part we choose to act on.”
Time to go.
“When all this is over, we’ll be a proper family.”
It’s fucked up because you know he’s dead right there.
And this is where we’ll END PART III.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part IV, and more of Dumbledore’s Army. Which is a shame for all the Dumbledore’s Navy and Dumbledore’s Air Force people out there.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)