Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Part IV — “Do Bitches Actually Love Handlebars?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fourth part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

We begin Part IV at…

There’s the grave again!

And that’s about the time she walked away from me…

Is it me or does that cloud on the right look like a koala doing a ‘west side’ hand gesture?

I love this angle. Because we never quite thought of this area as being where it is before this shot.

But seriously. How dope are castles, though?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But I have a bigger question – is that kid in that back going through chemo?

Hagrid’s back.

“I’m sorry, but you don’t know him like I do.”

Wouldn’t you take your real girlfriend to see your buddy Hagrid?

Colin:

You’re gonna blow off the hot Asian chick to go see Hagrid? Give an explanation, at least! And for shit’s sake, get some sugar for the road! You don’t just leave her standing there. You’ve got to start her, take her for a spin every now and again. Don’t leave her in neutral while you run off to play with your little friends. Oh, I’m still thinking cars. But you get the idea.

Hey, remember when this journey was perilous like two years ago?

Does it seem like the location of this hut changes every time we visit it?

“I will say this one last time. I’m ordering you to tell me where you’ve been.”

And he has to listen to her because…?

“I told you. I’ve been away for me health.”

Yeah, that’s the ticket. His health. Getting some fresh air.

“As gamekeeper, fresh air must be difficult to come by.”

She’s sarcastic as hell in this scene and I kind of appreciate it.

“If I were you, I shouldn’t get too used to being back. In fact, I mightn’t bother unpacking at all.”

Haven’t we already established that she can’t kick people out like that?

Buckbeak should come out of nowhere and fucking WRECK her right now.

Hagrid’s about to tell them some top secret shit.

Dumbledore sent him to parlay with the giants. And apparently the Death Eaters were trying to persuade them too.

So this is a vastly under-analyzed aspect of this movie. Because until now, Dumbledore hasn’t really given a fuck about Voldemort and what he’s doing. He’s been totally passive to this point. And now, all of a sudden, we’ve found out that he’s basically been preparing for war. This is like in Middle Earth when everyone was trying to get the eagles on their side.

It’s just such a weird step for Dumbledore, who to this point hasn’t bothered with any sort of major defense and always felt like he was above everything that was happening.

But it also means that Voldemort and his people were like, “Yeah, let’s try to get those fuckers too.” How exactly did that work? Did they just send people out there and they just camped in different areas of the giants’ town, not interact or fight with one another and just went in with their pitches? You think the giants had an Entmoot about what they were gonna do?

They asked who worked him over. The giants?

“Not exactly.”

Colin:

What does Hagrid mean, the giants didn’t exactly do that to him? Hah! Like it was domesti– oh god. Hagrid, has Madame Maxime been beating you? Hagrid…it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Honestly, I bet it was Flitwick. “Motherfucker, you owe me money!”

I so want a spinoff of this with Flitwick as this massive crime lord. The Sopranos, The Wire, all rolled up in one. Charm City, bitch!

Anyway who fucked Hagrid up?

“It’s changing out there. Just like last time.”

You know what? I’m just gonna assume gambling debts.

“There’s a storm coming, Harry.”

How many franchise sequels do you think this line has been in? No joke, how many?

Storm’s here!

AND SO IS HELENA!

Oh hell yeah.

What up, Helena Bonham Carter?

Just gonna say – I was completely for this casting the second I heard it, kind of like when I was all over the Heath Ledger casting as the Joker. For some reason, these are two of the ones that stuck out in my mind where people went, “I don’t get why they went with them,” and I was like, “Oh, not, trust me – you want them.” This is note perfect casting and you knew it from before they even recorded a frame of the performance.

The only negative I have against it is that the franchise didn’t give her more to do.

Is this ever explained? It’s just a giant explosion in the movies. I’m not even sure it’s ever explained in the books, either. I know most people think that Voldemort got the Dementors to join his side (shocker. The cops take the side of the fascists), but here the implication is that Voldemort just busted a hole in the side of the prison and busted all his people out and nobody did shit about it.

This is what it’s like coming out of your room as a teenager.

The second she started laughing, I went, “She’s perfect.” Tell me she’s not one of the best casting decisions this franchise made.

Colin:

Helena Bonham Carter! Great casting. Up there with Oldman and Gambon for me. I guess she and Oldman are the two awesome actors in this franchise, though we tend to throw in Maggie Smith, and I throw in Michael Gambon cause I’ve always thought he was awesome.

Cool, so… now what? Where’s your wand in all this?

So this is Azkaban. Good thing we’re smart enough to infer, right? Because otherwise, how the fuck would we know, given how spoon-fed almost everything else is to us in this franchise?

So I guess someone brought her a broom to fly out of there? Also, I guess they somehow stopped all the other people from escaping during this? I thought there were Dementors everywhere. None of this is explained, and I feel like a prison break is never not interesting.

Technically this prison is in international waters, isn’t it?

Also, what’s to prevent literally anyone with a boat just happening upon it?

But of course this isn’t connected to Voldemort, right, Fudge?

Because aren’t the maximum security people in Azkaban are all Death Eaters? What else constitutes a trip to Azkaban, as far as we know?

Oh, right. Just being someone they suspect of doing shit because you maybe have done something in the past and the government doesn’t like you.

But seriously, how does Azkaban work? It’s clearly the Alcatraz of this universe. I don’t think it’s ever defined what leads to you going there. Or what a minimum or regular security wizard prison looks like. What leads to a minimum security sentence? They must really be sure those people aren’t gonna bust out. What is it, like, one of those celebrity jobs? Where they get to go to prison at their convenience? “I’m gonna go to prison between 5 and 8 today, then I’ll come back tomorrow and serve six more hours.”

It’s just weird that the public would continue to buy the rhetoric even when ten presumed Death Eaters managed to escape the highest security prison in the wizarding world. Apparently Voldemort is the Global Warming of the wizarding world.

Harry Potter TV series idea: This. Just, all of that.

This is ALL the centaurs get?!

Also, I love that headline to the left. ‘Vampire ODs on garlic bread’. That’s amazing.

So Fudge blames it on Sirius because, “Well, she’s his cousin, it must be him.”

But couldn’t be that dark wizard she’s fucking, right?

Fudge is also such an interesting character that we barely get any of in the films. The only reason Fudge got the Minister job is because first Dumbledore turned it down (multiple times) and then the presumed favorite, Barty Crouch Sr., lost ground after the whole ‘his son was a Death Eater’ revelation. But his whole arc is as an incompetent and arrogant politician whose only goal is to maintain office. And, because he’s so incompetent, he thinks everyone’s out to get him, so whenever anyone (particularly Dumbledore, who he hates for having been the one everyone wanted in the job instead, yet was the person he went to for advice when starting the job) gives him good advice, he sees it as them trying to take away his power. And so the whole thing becomes about ego for him, and he spends a full year using the press to smear Dumbledore and Harry just to maintain power. Plus he’s also just openly racist against muggles and half-breeds and giants.

Honestly, throw in his fascist supporters trying to storm Hogwarts to overthrow Dumbledore and him lying to try to undermine the results of an election and you’ve got some real life corollaries, huh?

Driver’s license photo.

SMART cut. Very smart.

Colin:

Oh right, cause she Zero Dark Thirty‘d Neville’s parents.

Pixiepuffs.

Seamus apologizes for his mother.

That’s your only reaction? A half smirk?

Prick.

WHY IS THE LIST OF YOUR SUPER SECRET ILLEGAL CLUB JUST SITTING OUT IN THE OPEN LIKE THAT?

Also, why do they continue to need a sign up sheet? The army doesn’t keep your enlistment papers once you’re at Iwo Jima.

Wow, it’s as if all that stuff was put up in those exact spots specifically to get that framing.

Neville talks about how Bellatrix fucked up his parents.

“I’m quite proud to be their son, but I’m not sure I’m ready for everyone to know just yet.”

So tell Harry, of course. That’s a surefire way to keep something a secret.

I’m reminded of a line from movie #1, about how what happened down in the dungeons was “strictly confidential. So, naturally, the whole school knows.” Hooray, continuity.

Harry be teaching that Expecto Patronum.

“A full-bodied patronus is the most difficult to produce.”

Really? How the fuck do you know that? Since when did you know all about this shit?

Also, “shield forms”? Really? You wait two movies to talk about the different forms of a patronus? Maybe that was wise to go over in the movie you introduced that spell. Maybe.

Colin:

I’ve been complaining about this for three movies now. They’re all over the place with these spells.

Quite literally, even.

Colin:

“So that’s what that looks like from this end…”

“Fantastic, Ginny!”

That face, though.

Also, how useless is the Patronus charm outside of Dementors? That is all it’s used for, right? Otherwise it’s just a way to have an animal made of light hanging around. Like a magic trick.

That patronus is about to stab Neville in the ass.

Colin:

All of these assholes can just make Patronuses like it ain’t shit, after Harry tried like an asshole for weeks to pull it off. And in the end, he didn’t even do it out of skill, he did it cause he had seen himself do it already. But now, they’re all bosses at it like nothing. This is like when Vegeta’s training and Kid Trunks goes Super Saiyan out of nowhere. And Vegeta’s the only one around who seems to find this as ridiculous as we do, since he spent his whole life working for it and now it’s a child’s plaything. 

In case you want to know, here’s a list of patronuses for people of the franchise (that we know of):

• Harry: Stag
• Hermione: Otter
• Ron: Jack Russell Terrier
• Ginny: Horse
• Fred & George: Magpie
• Dumbledore: Phoenix
• McGonagall: Tabby Cat (her aminagus form)
• Lily Potter: Doe
• James Potter: Stag
• Snape: Doe (for Lily)
• Arthur Weasley: Weasel
• Lupin: Wolf
• Seamus: Fox
• Cho: Swan
• Luna: Hare
• Kingsley Shacklebolt: Lynx (what a badass)
• Tonks: Werewolf (it changed after she started dating Lupin. It was originally a hare)
• Umbridge: Cat
• Aberforth: Goat
• Ernie Macmillan: Boar
• Rita Skeeter: Beetle (which is also her animagus form)

Well that’s not normal.

They should have Jeff Goldblum come out and explain it.

Colin:

Yet again, like Harry in his room when the Order showed up at the beginning, WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE? Real smart army you got there. We’ve already seen that the Room of Requirement lets them get out the side door. Couldn’t there be a trap door in the floor? Wouldn’t you have someone ‘require’ an escape route? This is whack.

I guess the other people required it more?

I don’t really get how this can happen. Did you just destroy this room forever, or what?

What if it’s the Kool Aid guy?

“Andy Dufresne crawled through a river of shit…”

Shoot back.

Get down!

Colin:

Wouldn’t the Room of Requirement be a secure location? In the same way that Filch and Malfoy ended up running into a broom closet, wouldn’t Umbridge be shooting through a wall that led nowhere? I thought part of their ‘requirement’ was being a safe place to practice and not be found. Oh well.

It doesn’t make any sense at all. Wouldn’t that also fuck it up for anyone wanting to use it in the future? Also, what makes Harry’s need to hide what they’re doing stronger than Umbridge’s need to find it? Is the Room of Requirement limited to one use at a time? Or can they be practicing in it on this end of the castle, and over on the other side of the castle, Moody can use it to rest after an all-night bender?

Hostage.

Wouldn’t someone have noticed that Cho wasn’t there? WHAT’S THE POINT OF A SIGN-IN SHEET IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA PAY ATTENTION TO WHO’S THERE AND WHO’S NOT?

Also, for some reason this shot reminds me of one time back home during a snowstorm when we were having a snowball fight, and my friend was trying to hit his next door neighbor, who was trying to shovel and stay out of it like an adult. And he was playing around with it, but not really getting into it. And so my friend grabs the guy’s six year old daughter and pulls her in front of him like a shield (you know, like those moments at the end of the movie where they go, “Take the shot,” and the hero does) and goes, “This is a hostage situation. What do you do?” And the second he finishes the word “do,” two snowballs come rocketing in and SLAM into his shoulder, missing the daughter entirely and knocking him back on his ass into a snow pile. He got fucking double-tapped in real time. It was awesome.

Look at Dumbledore, just chilling there.

Here’s a question I want to ask: Be honest, how many other people saw this and went, “That’s a really great position to be in, strategically”? (Does no one else look at Hogwarts and try to figure out what the most defensible areas are?)

Colin:

Clearly. We all do these things.

Percy still goes to this school?

Umbridge says she saw his lies for what they were – a bid for control of the Ministry.

Look at fucking Jim Breuer over here.

“Naturally.”

Colin:

I’ll have to mention this at some point, so it might as well be now — I first knew about Michael Gambon from the BBC car show Top Gear. He was the star in a reasonably-priced car on the eighth episode of the first series of the “new” Top Gear in December of 2002 — before he was Dumbledore. He had a great interview, during which they mention Maggie Smith, coincidentally, and then put on an awesome lap in the old Suzuki Liana. The important part of this was that his antics on the final corner of the lap were so great that they named the corner “Gambon” after him.

Now, Top Gear is on its 19th series, 11 years later, and everyone knows that corner as “Gambon.” It really is a cool interview.  Oh, and then he went back and did ANOTHER interview that was shot during the production of Order of the Phoenix. And they mention Maggie Smith again! Making eyes at her! I completely forgot about this second interview!

“He had nothing to do with it. It was me.”

Why does Cho look so disappointed in him right now?

“That’s noble of you, Harry, to soothe me. But as it’s been pointed out, the parchment clearly says ‘Dumbledore’s Army.’ Not ‘Potter’s’.’ I instructed Harry to form this organization, and I, and I alone, am responsible for its activities.”

Colin:

This is the first time we hear “Dumbledore’s Army,” right? Given the accusations the Ministry is trying to make, that’s a pretty dumb name to use. But all the same, you know that somewhere deep down, Dumbledore’s like, “Fuck yeah, bitches. I got an army that I didn’t even create myself. I’m just that motherfucking popular.” 

What upset me a bit when watching this was how not baller it was compared to what it was like in the book. I remember this being a scene where the final reveal of Dumbledore taking the blame for it and doing what he’s about to do was this really badass moment, since at the beginning, you didn’t really know which way he was gonna fall until Harry took the blame himself. But here, he just up and says it out of nowhere and there’s no build to it. It’s weaker this way. Which will be the same argument I have for something that happens later, which is still one of my biggest pet peeves about the franchise. But we’ll get to it.

Fudge also says to dispatch an owl to the Daily Prophet. If they hurry, they can still make the morning edition. Really shows where his interest lie, doesn’t it?

He also tells Kingsley to bring Dumbledore to Azkaban, “for conspiracy and sedition”. The only thing missing from that statement was the word “boy.”

But sedition is great. I love when people are accused of sedition.

Look at that look. “Motherfucker, I ain’t going back.”

I also love how they’re gonna throw him in prison to await trial. Over here, nobody gets sent to Alcatraz BEFORE the trial. But I guess that’s to be expected when your holding cells aren’t guarded by anybody and can be disrupted by a simple Bombardo spell.

Though I guess they got Azakaban all bricked up again after that attack?

“I thought we might hit this little snag.”

“You seem to be laboring under the delusion that I’m going to – what was the phrase? – come quietly.”

He doesn’t know that phrase?

Crazy eyes.

“I have no intention of going to Azkaban.”

Lotta people winking at Harry in this franchise.

What if Obi-Wan winked?

Colin:

If you have EVER had questions in your mind about Dumbledore being the baddest motherfucker in this place, let them be assuaged. He tells them all that he’s not going to prison. Duly noted. “Enough of this! TAKE HIM!” ….. “BYE, BITCH!” And then the Black guy acknowledges how badass that was.

“Whoa!”

That’s like that Rafiki moment of “What the fuck was THAT shit?”

“You may not like him, Minister, but you can’t deny – Dumbledore’s got style.”

Preston Waters:

S-T-Y-L-E.

(Wow… who got that reference?)

Colin:

Wow, there’s two references to that film so far during this movie. 

We’re talking about the classic 1980 film Xanadu, in case none of you are following.

So Fawkes was a portkey, is that what it was? It felt a bit weaker for me than it did in the book, probably because of that stupid hand clasp thing he does. Seriously, find a more badass looking way to do it with the hands, and then you have it.

Plus that “he’s got style” line just felt so forced. Maybe it was the way it was worded. It just felt so – it felt like something that came from a script and not something that seemed natural to say in the moment. Like when people try to force badass action lines that just aren’t there, and you can tell.

Why even bother at this point? Also, why are people always there when he puts a new one up?

“Stand aside, boys, this fucker’s about to have himself an accident.”

How are they supposed to read it if it’s that high? Why not put them horizontally across the wall?

This is a weird shot. It’s raining, and then they half-turn to the sound of thunder, and then, presumably Neville is out there, and runs away to get out of the rain. It’s completely inexplicable.

Does she get a portrait now, too?

FUCK ART!

He looks like he’s been wanting to do that for years.

Colin:

Holy shit! That’s a thing?! He can just tilt the frame and they fall out? Also, what purpose does it serve to just remove the paintings from the walls? I guess it makes things less cheerful and more like prison. Is that what you were going for? Why don’t we just skip Hogwarts altogether and start holding classes in an abandoned doll factory?

I have to assume it’s because they know there’s a portrait network of spies. But it certainly comes across as just fascism for fascism’s sake.

Wow, they beefed up their security.

We don’t need no education…

Are they not allowed to eat anymore too?

The Great Hall is a throne room now?

Oh shit, they all got the fucked up quills.

Colin:

They’re all using the evil quills now? Where did she get so many? Is this just something that Bic makes? Can you get these at Wizard Staples? It was kinda cool when there was just one and it was only for Harry. But now we know. He ain’t speddle. Still though, this HAS to be against a law, and while I’m sure it doesn’t matter anymore, you still have to wonder how she procured so many of these special quills without attracting attention. Also, who came up with this item? I can’t see it being suited to anything but ancient school punishment.

Religious people. You know they did.

Also, isn’t it weird that the same company makes both pens and lighters? Why don’t we ever talk about that?

Are the parents just okay with all of this? Does no one tell them? What’s the deal with this?

“You traitorous bitch.” That’s what that look is.

Oh snap.

Colin:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A BLESSING THIS IS? YOU HAVE AN ASIAN GIRL THAT FEELS GUILTY ABOUT SOME SHIT SHE DID TO YOU! THIS MAKES UP FOR EVERYTHING, TRUST ME! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!

Seriously, though. Do we find out what circumstances were used? Does he at least talk to her to hear what she has to say? Does she get to plea her own case? Nah. I’ll just give up on the Asian love of my life cause she’s somehow connected with the breakup of one of my little clubs. He’s wasting this opportunity. I hope you’re happy, cause you just threw that away and now you have to settle on the ginger slut. I have never been more upset in the franchise and in Rowling than I am right now.

Speaking of the circumstances — in the book, Cho isn’t the one who sells them out. It’s Marietta Edgecombe who does it. And no veritaserum either. She just completely sells them out. And Cho, being her friend, defends her when Harry and everyone else is pissed at her, and that’s what causes the relationship to sour. Which, honestly, is just as stupid as this version. But, they’re all like 16 here, so you can’t expect rationality when it comes to relationships.

My big issue was the idea — I just assumed she was drugging the kids all along to get answers and wondered why the hell she didn’t get anything of substance before now. But apparently she waited this whole damn time before using it on someone. And then, of all people, she chose Cho? (Because that’s what the plot required, I guess.) The whole thing just feels like a screenwriting trick to get to the same endpoint as the novel but streamlined.

Either way, still seems weird to me that no one would hear her out. Surely she’d know she was under the effects of veritaserum when she gave everyone up despite herself. So maybe just tell everyone that’s what happened. I feel like they all know you well enough to know you’re not a double agent.

Colin:

I remember reading this the first time and being convinced that it was all going to work out. When it kept not working out, I got more and more upset, until the series ended and I just had to accept that it wasn’t going to work out. I’m still waiting for Rowling to put out an epilogue to the epilogue in which we find out that things don’t work out between Harry and Ginny. They get a divorce — probably because of something one of their kids did — and Harry ends up with Cho, who has also ended up single after marrying whomever. AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

She apparently married a muggle. So why let it work out for Harry when it can work out for you?

Fog is underrated.

This shot again.

Harry’s whining like a bitch again. Honestly, Colin, if you’re gonna blame anyone for the Cho thing, blame Harry. He’s being awful this entire movie. No wonder everyone flips out at him over Expelliarmus. He’s being a little fuckhead right now.

Colin:

He is! I was pissed at him from the beginning of the movie. But then, we have to remember that it’s the will of the author that makes the characters do what they do. Why is Harry a prick? Rowling. Why is Ron useless? Rowling. Why does the only black kid have an absentee father? Rowling.

Who has extremely problematic views of transgender people? Rowling.

“Psst. Hey, kids – wanna buy some drugs?”

Apparently it’s now okay to just bring kids into the forest.

Centaurs. Take a good look, folks, because this is the best it’s gonna get for them this movie. Why would you cut them out? THEY’RE HALF MEN HALF HORSES! Who the fuck wants to see the Minister when you can see a man with horse legs!

And that’s before you get into the fact that one of them BECOMES A TEACHER IN THE BOOK.

“The Ministry restricts their territory much more, they’re gonna have a full uprising on their hands.”

So centaurs are the Native Americans of the wizarding world.

Anyway (which seems to be the preferred transition in this movie)… Hagrid couldn’t leave “without telling someone about him.”

Is it Kuato? Please let it be Kuato.

Technicolor.

Hagrid is single handedly responsible for the dangers of this forest.

Colin:

Fucking true. And they’re usually responsible for the bad CGI in these movies.

That’s Grawp, by the way. He ain’t heavy, he’s Hagrid’s brother.

“He’s completely harmless, just like I said.” Like Aragog. And Fluffy.

Isn’t it amazing how there’s an inverse relationship between how much money a film has and the quality of its special effects?

“This one pleases me. I will accept this tribute.”

Colin:

I…can’t even make a Juggernaut joke here cause it’s too perfect.

Yeah, do that. See how that goes.

For once I appreciate the stupid look on Harry’s face. Because either he’s high as balls right now from the drugs Hagrid sold them or he can’t help but laugh at how badly this is gonna work out for Ron.

Maybe you’ll get 10 points out of this.

Also, remember the House Cup? Remember when that was a thing?

I can’t tell who looks worse, the giant or CGHermione.

“Motherfucker… SIT DOWN.”

“Put me down!”

“Now.”

Doesn’t matter if you’re a human or a nonverbal giant — everybody understands ‘angry white lady’.

Better put her down Grawp. She’ll call the cops on you.

Well goddamn.

What is this, The Searchers? What are you holding your arm like that for?

He likes her now.

Colin:

I’ll give this bitch some handlebars. Bitches love handlebars.

I like how there’s a full 20 seconds of this franchise that involves a giant, a half-giant and two humans staring at someone, waiting for them to ring a bike bell.

To their credit, they don’t overdo his reaction. He doesn’t start clapping or anything, it’s more of a ‘oh good, she forgives me’.

Hagrid asks them to look after him.

Colin:

Have you noticed how selfish Hagrid is? He keeps all these nasty creatures cause he likes them and he’s always shirking duties to take care of dangerous shit that should just fucking die. Like this. The world is coming apart at the seams, and you want them to take care of your dumbass giant pal? I don’t care if you ARE related, this is some selfish shit. They have other worries.

“Hey, so my brother’s just out of rehab, can he sleep on your couch for 4-6 months?”

Hagrid’s the only family he’s got.

Colin:

Wait, wait, wait. Why is she making that face?! DO BITCHES ACTUALLY LOVE HANDLEBARS?

That not only should be a subtitle, but that should be a TITLE. “Do Bitches Actually Love Handlebars?”

So naturally we cut to this.

Colin:

“But you ain’t got no parents, Lieutenant Harry.”

I’d like to point out how perfect that reference is, as Harry actually is a lieutenant right now.

“Feeling sentimental?”

Oh, right. Brain rape.

Colin:

Snape is so awesome. He just shows up in the dream like, “BOOM! YOU JUST GOT INCEPTED!”

“That’s private.”

“Not to me.”

Remember how all of these lessons turned out to be totally pointless?

But hey, at least he didn’t incept your jerk off fantasies, right? You know the one — Cho, down in the restricted section of the library…

“You’re just like your father – lazy, arrogant –”

He says he needs to control his emotions and stop being such a weak ass motherfucker.

Colin:

So he has to draw out his anger but then learn to control it? This is a lot like becoming a sith lord.

“Smell my finger.”

“Ewww.”

So, let me get this straight – Snape now knows there’s a giant in the Dark Forest. And he ignores that?

Oh, well I guess he is getting into his jerk off fantasies.

Colin:

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? Also, he’s clearly thinking about this and not about her betrayal. Wouldn’t that make him want to get back together, or at least talk to her about what went down? Asshole.

(I’m responsible for that link. Not him. I’ll take that blame.)

How come this is all just stuff that happened in the past two movies? Why isn’t there some random thing where like, the Dursleys are beating the shit out of him because he accidentally revealed his existence to a neighbor?

Colin:

“I may vomit.” YES, ONCE AGAIN, SNAPE IS AWESOME.

“Stop it.”

Harry says they’ve been at it for hours. He needs rest.

Context.

“The Dark Lord isn’t resting!”

I mean, objectively at some point he is.

He got the jump on you.

IN-SNAPE-TION!

We Need to Talk About Severus.

That is one gaping tree asshole.

I hope what he got out of this was, “Man… my dad was a DICK!”

Colin:

I didn’t like how they did this. Like Harry got the drop on Snape and got into his mind. Plus, Snape is a master occlumens, it isn’t like he couldn’t immediately block Harry. The whole point is that he’s been successful in blocking Voldemort for like 15 years, I don’t buy that Harry just happened to succeed in breaking through for long enough to see all that.

And can we talk about how James Potter was basically a Slytherin? What an asshole. And then Lily marries him anyway. He’s basically a jock asshole who gets the girl in the end. I’m glad he got killed.

“James Potter — I’m glad he got killed.”

He looks like he’s about to strangle him.

And now Snape just endeth the lessons like that. Is that all it took? What happened to controlling your emotions?

That’s his pimp smackin’ hand.

I HAVE EMOTIONS.

This is actually a nice little moment. Too bad they rushed past it. This could have been a really great bit. Even so, that shit is beyond the pale. She did that to a CHILD.

Colin:

I really liked this moment. You rarely see older kids talking to really younger kids, but Fred and George are trying to make this little nothing feel better. That’s sweet. They may be assholes, but they’re good assholes and we all like them.

Same reaction once again.

Oh, that’s a great shot.

“You know, George, I’ve always felt out futures laid outside the world of academic achievement.”

Like, in the grave?

Nice touch, having the name of the ink on there. Not sure why they didn’t just say navy blue, but sure.

And… wait for it…

Colin:

Nice touch. You only get to use this kind of ink.

No joke, we watched these movies separately from one another, weeks apart. Now everybody take a shot.

Colin:

What kid showed up for a standardized test and during the directions, went, “Wait, wait, wait, a NO. 2 PENCIL? I only use No. 5 pencils! When did they make this rule?!” When the fuck did you see anything other than a no. 2 pencil outside an art classroom?

There are theories behind charms? Or is this just because she won’t let them use actual magic so it’s all written?

Also, Charms…. taught by whom?

Colin:

Filius Flitwick. Baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

I heard he once seduced an entire nunnery right before they were going to take their vows using nothing but gun fingers and the word “Yo.”

So there are no food tables in the Great Hall, which must only mean that the kids are being fed like prisoners of war.

This shot is them in a nutshell – Hermione writing away, Ron bored out of his mind, and Harry staring down his enemy, like, “I’ll do all right on this test, but you’re fucking dead.”

One of my favorite single images in the entire franchise. That pendulum is BADASS.

Where is Dumbledore chilling during all this? Or is this when he goes around getting his hand all poisoned?

They never really ever specify where he lives, or does on his time off. Like, is he just chilling in the Caribbean or something? Or is just hiding out at Snape’s place on a spare mattress?

He hasn’t moved a muscle, either. Which is a good job by him.

Something’s going on outside.

Colin:

QUICK! WHAT’S THE ANSWER TO NUMBER SEVEN?

Remember the house ghosts?

Again, perfectly in character — Harry’s like “what is that?”, Hermione knows exactly what it is, and Ron looks like he’s having a complex thought for the first time in his life.

Just dawned on me — has she been wearing this outfit for the past couple of scenes. She wore that in Dumbledore’s office when he refused to ejaculate silently. I know this is weeks apart, but this is a movie —  you’re not really accustomed to seeing people in the same clothes unless it’s a dedicated uniform.

The most underrated aspect of all of this is the fact that, because of this (and the human rights violations from the administration), they just scrap all the tests and give everyone a passing grade. Those are the real heroics of this moment.

Jesus, look at her throat. She looks like she got Hang ‘Em High’ed.

Good time to set some Cornish Pixies loose too.

Best part about this? They can magic this all away in like, fifteen seconds, and yet you know Filch is gonna be in here for like two hours sweeping all this shit up.

I like it when firecrackers know who the assholes are.

This makes no sense at all, but I still love it.

See? There he is.

Colin:

Fuck your decrees, we make fireworks.

Honestly, what better first advertisement for your business than this?

Oh, they got into Gandalf’s stash.

Let’s just leave this one at… wrong franchise.

That’s a lot of glass.

That’s how you cause a scene, though.

Also, that stairwell on the left — isn’t that where they gave Harry the Marauder’s Map?

This actually is worthy of schoolwide applause.

I keep telling you, but are y’all really listening?

Colin:

Best moment of the franchise. Filius Flitwick, witnessing all of this, gets in a secret pump. Cause all those fireworks and literally everything the twins make to fuck with people? Charms. Rowling has made it clear that the twins were horrible students except for charms, in which they were bosses.

Colin:

So, girl behind Harry, you don’t seem very impressed. Think you’re a badass, do you? How about a smile? Oh, never mind, she’s a Slytherin, so she hates happiness and joy.

I’d say it’s because she’s a Slytherin, but there’s one right next to Harry who seems to enjoy it.

Oh, he’s doing the personalities thing again.

Colin:

“No! These people are clapping for something that isn’t me! Cue collapse!” How anticlimactic would this have been if they were still in the exam? His head would have just hit the desk.

How hilarious would it have been if that happened? Just, WHAM! A big ass bruise under his scar.

Of course she’s the one to see it. Why is she the only really good friend in this franchise? I mean, Ron’s a good friend, but he’s too prone to “Oh, you didn’t tell me this, I’m mad at you,” and Harry, we already established is a giant asshole.

“Tell me where it is.”

“Inside your sister’s vagina. l put it there before I left.”

Oh shit, he getting Crucio’d.

Colin:

We better stop here to talk about the Dewey Decimal System for prophecies. Wait, we get nothing? Oh, okay. False alarm.

Who is the wizarding world’s Dewey?

Also, how does Harry know where it is now and Voldemort doesn’t?

Harry’s like, “We gotta go save him.” This is the moment where a present Dumbledore could put a stop to everything.

Though, Maggie’s here. How about you just go talk to Maggie?

I will say though — they did do a good job of eliminating one of the plot holes I would’ve brought up, which is, “Why not go talk to the paintings like last time?”

Hermione’s the reasonable one, saying Voldemort’s only doing it to get to Harry. Harry… is a Gryffindor.

Colin:

Hey, staircase! Slow down so that you don’t link up to the other staircase until after our expository dialogue is done!

They’re gonna use the floo network.

In Umbridge’s office.

Why’s everything all boxed up? School year’s over, I guess?

Or is she stealing top secret Hogwarts files and taking them to her private resort so she can sell them to Voldemort?

Oh, so floo is just something you can turn on and turn off now?

Colin:

Does the floo network connect to Hogwarts? Is it one way? Couldn’t you just say, “Hogwarts” and get in that way from any other place in the world? 

Presumably she has a direct line to the Ministry so she can report to Fudge.

Gotcha, bitch.

“You were going to Dumbledore, weren’t you?”

Di Di Mao!

You all have wands here. Use them. It’s no more a felony than what she’s doing right now.

She wants the Veritaserum.

Colin:

“I can finally make an honest woman out of you,” said Snape as he opened the Veritaserum…

He says she used up the last of his store on Cho.

Re-veal!

Colin:

Why the hell would you tell us that now? Now it’s too late and Harry’s been a dick. Thanks for looking into it on your own, Harry. I really can’t get over how stupid all of this was. At least in the book, there was a proper conflict because Cho’s friend told on them and then Cho stuck up for the friend when Harry got pissed. There’s a semi-legit reason to break up. At least they TALKED about it. This was just Harry throwing away a fine Asian girl with literally no good reason or justification. And then when we find out things weren’t what they seemed…oh well, I guess I’ll just try out this ginger instead. Fuck you, Rowling. 

That look.

“Unless you wish to poison him, and I assure you, I would have the greatest sympathy if you did, I cannot help you.”

I love Snape.

“He’s got Padfoot.”

“He’s got Padfoot at the place where it’s hidden.”

Not remotely suspicious.

“What the fuck is he talking about?”

“No idea.”

Colin:

Snape needs to win the boss award for this scene. He hears a coded message in public, turns, makes an obvious look of understanding, and when asked by the authorities what the fuck is going on….”No idea.” PEACE!

Also, all you motherfuckers in the back — wands are just sitting there on the table. You’ve been training in combat all year and these motherfuckers clearly aren’t gonna bust out a murder spell. So just do the thing.

She says that means there’s only one thing left – the Cruciatus Curse.

“That’s illegal.”

“What Cornelius doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Colin:

She puts the picture face down like they’re about to fuck. So, is that implying that the picture CAN see what’s going on? Even though it was facing away from them anyway? Wouldn’t he have seen them trying to get into the fireplace before and alerted a picture of himself somewhere else, and gotten word to the REAL Cornelius? What the hell is going on? I swear, half of the things that go unanswered or unexplained in this franchise add up over time to the point where if you answered all of them, the plot would be completely altered.

“What’s that, Painting Lassie? Seamus fell down the well again? Pavarti’s stuck under a log? I’m on my way!”

I still say the pictures don’t have the ability to see shit. I thought of this as more of a symbolic thing that she was doing because she’s evil. She’s so dedicated that she thinks that somehow Fudge’s picture might actually see her doing this, so she puts it down, the way one would turn away the family photos before masturbating.

She is about to do this in front of witnesses, though, which is the scarier part. That she doesn’t think any of this will get back to anyone.

Why does she look so nervous to do this? She sent Dementors to KILL HIM!

“Tell her, Harry!”

“Tell me what?”

“Well if you won’t tell her where it is, I will.”

The clitoris?

“Dumbledore’s secret weapon.”

Colin:

The clitoris?

Colin:

She just heard the words “secret weapon” and nutted in her little knickers.

This like if you went to a Republican convention and told them you know where they keep the Jewish space laser that turns people into lizards.

Colin:

Gee, we’re glad you decided to come on your own, Dolores, instead of calling for backup and bringing a goon squad. Cause fuck a goon squad, let’s go.

This is why Hermione is the best character in the franchise. She gets shit done. Hermione is the person who brings them all to the 1-yard line and Harry’s the one who gets it in the end zone by sheer dumb luck most of the time.

Colin:

I don’t really know a lot about hockey, but I think I get it.

Also, all the other kids that got captured. Did they just… let them go? We don’t really find out what happened to them after all that? You can’t really arrest them or anything, so like… they’re just gonna go back to the dorms, or…? Did Flitwick file a writ of Habeas Corpus and get them released? (Flitwick is a practicing lawyer, in case you didn’t know. Lawyer, doctor, dentist. Dude practices everything but Santeria.)

“There is no weapon, is there?”

The weapon is these hands.

“You know… I really hate children.”

I mean, okay. Sure, just say that.

You came to the wrong neighborhood.

“You have no business here, centaur. This is a Ministry matter.”

I don’t think he heard you.

“How DARE you? Filthy half-breed!”

Isn’t this exactly the same thing Bellatrix is gonna say in like, 20 minutes?

Colin:

Centaur showdown! It’s actually kinda cool how she stops the first two arrows. You’re thinking, okay, maybe she IS in control.

“I will have order!”

Order up.

Colin:

But then Lenny shows up and wants to pet her.

“Tell them I mean no harm!”

“I’m sorry, Professor. I must not tell lies.”

Harry Potter just won everything. That might be the single most badass thing he says in the franchise.

“Gooble Gobble! One of of us!”

Colin:

Oh NO, I know that reference now, and…eww.

Remember the good old days of the forest? The Days of Bells and Handlebars.

Let’s just leave that giant in the forest, unattended to and able to go where he pleases. That’ll end well.

How’d they get away, exactly?

And know to meet them here?

Oh, they do explain it. Ron pretended he was hungry and wanted candy, and the dickheads ate them themselves. But they were puking pastilles.

Score another one for Fred and George.

“That was clever, Ron.”

Colin:

RON DID A SMART THING, EVERYONE TAKE NOTICE.

“It’s been known to happen.”

Neville’s then like, “So, how are we getting to London?” And Harry’s like, “Look, I appreciate you all, but…”

“Dumbledore’s Army is supposed to be about doing something real.”

Like dying?

“Was it all just words to you?”

Yes. It was. Goodbye.

“Maybe you don’t have to do this all by yourself, mate.”

Yeah, but like… there’s a whole group of adults whose entire jobs are to do shit like this. Maybe go get them.

“So how are we going to get to London?”

“We fly of course.”

I guess this is one benefit of befriending the weird girl who feeds raw meat to the invisible death dragons in her spare time.

Colin:

This seems like a bad idea. They all hop on these creatures, never having seen one fly (and some of them having never seen one AT ALL) and hope for the best. No riding lessons, no saddles or harnesses — just hop on the horribly emaciated creature and try not to worry about the vertebrae up your ass. (Thestrals – ribbed for her pleasure.) Do they just figure, “Oh, London’s that way?” Do they follow the Hogwarts Express tracks? And since everyone seems to be having fun and to know what they’re doing, can they all see the thestrals now?

Here’s a question – why can WE see them?

Colin:

I’m going to raise one last point about this whole invisibility thing — where do they draw the line with “death?” I’m assuming that humanoid creatures like goblins would be able to see them if they had witnessed a death, goblin or human. But I guess we’re not counting stuff like the spider they all witnessed Barty Crouch as Moody use the killing curse on? What if it had been a sentient being, like an acromantula? THEN does it count? I think this is a concept that Rowling never thought through. It’s just one of those things that IS a certain way, if and when she wants it to be.

Theoretically, based on the description of it, you wouldn’t have even have to see anyone die but could just come to terms with your own mortality to be able to see them. Which just further illustrates how horribly explained it all is.

So like… is London just cool with seeing this?

Where do they park these things?

Colin:

You know, I just realized that if she ever drowned, she’d be Rowling in the Deep.

And this is where we end PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

We finish tomorrow with Part V, and one of the series’ many amazing action sequences that ultimately ends up being pointless, plot-wise.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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