Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Part IV — “Do Bitches Actually Love Handlebars?”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fourth part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

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We begin Part IV at…

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There’s the grave again!

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But I have a bigger question – is that kid in that back going through chemo?

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Hagrid’s back.

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“I’m sorry, but you don’t know him like I do.”

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Wouldn’t you take your real girlfriend to see your buddy Hagrid?

Colin:

You’re gonna blow off the hot Asian chick to go see Hagrid? Give an explanation, at least! And for shit’s sake, get some sugar for the road! You don’t just leave her standing there. You’ve got to start her, take her for a spin every now and again. Don’t leave her in neutral while you run off to play with your little friends. Oh, I’m still thinking cars. But you get the idea.

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Hey, remember when this journey was perilous like two years ago?

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I’ll give her one thing, she is sarcastic as fuck in this one scene. He says he’s been away for his health. For fresh air. And she says, “As gamekeeper, fresh air is hard to come by, is it?” I’ll give her that. That was good.

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Hagrid’s about to tell them some top secret shit.

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Dumbledore sent him to parlay with the giants.

The Death Eaters were trying to persuade them too. (You think they had an Entmoot about it?)

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They asked who worked him over. The giants? He says not exactly.

Colin:

What does Hagrid mean, the giants didn’t exactly do that to him? Hah! Like it was domesti– oh god. Hagrid, has Madame Maxime been beating you? Rape? Hagrid…it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

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But who fucked him up?

“It’s changing out there. Just like last time.”

I’m just gonna assume gambling debts.

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“There’s a storm coming, Harry.”

How many franchise sequels do you think this line has been in? No joke, how many?

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Storm’s here!

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What up, Helena Bonham Carter?

Just gonna say – I was completely for this casting the second I heard it, kind of like when I was all over the Heath Ledger casting as the Joker. For some reason, these are two of the ones that stuck out in my mind where people went, “I don’t get why they went with them,” and I was like, “Oh, not, trust me – you want them.”

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The second she started laughing, I went, “She’s perfect.” Tell me she’s not one of the best casting decisions this franchise made.

Colin:

Helena Bonham Carter! Great casting. Up there with Oldman and Gambon for me. I guess she and Oldman are the two awesome actors in this franchise, though we tend to throw in Maggie Smith, and I throw in Michael Gambon cause I’ve always thought he was awesome.

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So this is Azkaban. Good thing we’re smart enough to infer, right? Because otherwise, how the fuck would we know, given how spoon-fed almost everything else is to us in this franchise?

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But of course this isn’t connected to Voldemort, right, Fudge? Because the maximum security people in Azkaban are all Death Eaters, right? What else constitutes a trip to Azkaban, as far as we know?

Oh, right. Just being someone they suspect of doing shit because you maybe have done something in the past and the government doesn’t like you.

But seriously, how does Azkaban work? It’s clearly the Alcatraz of this universe. I don’t think it’s ever defined what leads to you going there. Or what a minimum or regular security wizard prison looks like. What leads to a minimum security sentence? They must really be sure those people aren’t gonna bust out. What is it, like, one of those celebrity jobs? Where they get to go to prison at their convenience? “Imma go to prison between 5 and 8 today, then I’ll come back tomorrow and serve six more hours.”

It’s just weird that the public would continue to buy the rhetoric even when ten presumed Death Eaters managed to escape the highest security prison in the wizarding world. Apparently Voldemort is the Global Warming of the wizarding world.

Harry Potter TV series idea: This.

Just, all of that.

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This is ALL the centaurs get?!

Also, I love that headline to the left. Vampire ODs on garlic bread. That’s amazing.

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So Fudge blames it on Sirius because, “Well, she’s his cousin, it must be him.”

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But not that dark wizard she’s fucking, right?

Also, driver’s license photo.

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SMART cut. Very smart.

Colin:

Oh right, cause she Zero Dark Thirty‘d Neville’s parents.

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Pixiepuffs.

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Seamus apologizes for his chowderheaded mick mother.

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That’s your only reaction? A half smirk? Prick.

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WHY IS THE LIST OF YOUR SUPER SECRET ILLEGAL CLUB JUST SITTING OUT IN THE OPEN LIKE THAT?

Also, why do they continue to need a sign up sheet? The army doesn’t keep your enlistment papers once you’re at Iwo Jima.

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Wow, it’s as if all that stuff was posted at those exact spots specifically to get that framing.

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But yeah, he talks about how Bellatrix fucked up his parents.

“I’m quite proud to be their son, but I’m not sure I’m ready for everyone to know just yet.”

So tell Harry, of course. That’s a surefire way to keep something a secret.

I’m reminded of a line from movie #1, about how what happened down in the dungeons was “strictly confidential. So, naturally, the whole school knows.”

Hooray, continuity.

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Harry be teaching that Expecto Patronum.

“A full-bodied patronus is the most difficult to produce.” Really? How the fuck do you know that? Since when did you know all about this shit?

Also, “shield forms”? Really? You wait two movies to talk about the different forms of a patronus? Maybe that was wise to go over in the movie you introduced that spell. Maybe.

Colin:

I’ve been complaining about this for three movies now. They’re all over the place with these spells.

Quite literally, even.

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Colin:

“So that’s what that looks like from this end…”

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“Fantastic, Ginny!” (Wow, this movie is a complete 180 from the others.)

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Also, how useless is the Patronus charm outside of dementors? That is all it’s used for, right? Otherwise it’s just a way to have an animal made of light hanging around. Like a magic trick.

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That patronus is about to rape Neville from behind.

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Colin:

All of these assholes can just make Patronuses like it ain’t shit, after Harry tried like an asshole for weeks to pull it off. And in the end, he didn’t even do it out of skill, he did it cause he had seen himself do it already. But now, they’re all bosses at it like nothing. This is like when Vegeta’s training and Kid Trunks goes Super Saiyan out of nowhere. And Vegeta’s the only one around who seems to find this as ridiculous as we do, since he spent his whole life working for it and now it’s a child’s plaything. 

In case you want to know, here’s a list of patronuses for people of the franchise (that we know of):

Harry: Stag

Hermione: Otter

Ron: Jack Russell Terrier

Ginny: Horse

Dumbledore: Phoenix

McGonagall: Cat

Lily Potter: Doe

James Potter: Stag

Snape: Doe

Arthur Weasley: Weasel

Seamus: Fox

Cho: Swan

Luna: Hare

Kingsley Shacklebolt: Lynx (what a badass)

Tonks: Werewolf (it changed after she started fucking Lupin)

Umbridge: Cat

Aberforth: Goat

Rita Skeeter: Beetle

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Well that’s not normal.

They should have Jeff Goldblum come out and explain it.

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Colin:

Yet again, like Harry in his room when the Order showed up at the beginning, WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE? Real smart army you got there. We’ve already seen that the Room of Requirement lets them get out the side door. Couldn’t there be a trap door in the floor? Wouldn’t you have someone ‘require’ an escape route? This is whack.

If I could find a video or a gif of it, I’d actually have put one of someone using an Escape Rope in Pokémon Red/Blue/Yellow right now. Just so you could recognize how awesome it would have been if I could have done that out of nowhere. Still, now you know how awesome I am that I thought of it.

(I did find this, however.)

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Get down!

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Mo-hp!

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Colin:

Wouldn’t the Room of Requirement be a secure location? In the same way that Filch and Malfoy ended up running into a broom closet, wouldn’t Umbridge be shooting through a wall that led nowhere? I thought part of their ‘requirement’ was being a safe place to practice and not be found. Oh well.

It doesn’t make any sense at all. Wouldn’t that also fuck it up for anyone wanting to use it in the future? Also, what makes Harry’s need to hide what they’re doing stronger than Umbridge’s need to find it? Is the Room of Requirement limited to one use at a time? Or can they be practicing in it on this end of the castle, and over on the other side of the castle, Moody can use it to rest after an all-night bender?

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Hostage.

Wouldn’t someone have noticed that Cho wasn’t there?

WHAT’S THE POINT OF A SIGN-IN SHEET IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA PAY ATTENION TO WHO’S THERE AND WHO’S NOT?

Unless they all thought she was bleeding and left it to that.

This shot reminds me of one time back home during a snowstorm when we were having a snowball fight, and my friend was trying to hit his next door neighbor (a cop), who was trying to shovel and stay out of it like an adult. And he was playing around and stuff, but not really getting into it. And so my friend grabs the guy’s six year old daughter and pulls her in front of him like a shield (you know, like those moments at the end of the movie where they go, “Take the shot,” and the hero does) and goes, “This is a hostage situation. What do you do?” And the second he finishes the word “do,” two snowballs come rocketing in and SLAM into his shoulder, missing the daughter entirely and knocking him back on his ass into a snow pile. He got fucking double tapped in real time. It was awesome.

Norm

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Look at Dumbledore, just chilling there.

Here’s a question I want to ask: Be honest, how many people saw this and went, “That’s a really great position to be in, strategically”?

(Does no one else look at Hogwarts and try to figure out what the most defensible areas are?)

Colin:

Clearly. We all do these things.

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Percy still goes to this school?

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Umbridge saw his lies for what they were – a bid for control of the Ministry.

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“Naturally.”

Colin:

I’ll have to mention this at some point, so it might as well be now — I first knew about Michael Gambon from the BBC car show Top Gear. He was the star in a reasonably-priced car on the eighth episode of the first series of the “new” Top Gear in December of 2002 — before he was Dumbledore. He had a great interview, during which they mention Maggie Smith, coincidentally, and then put on an awesome lap in the old Suzuki Liana. The important part of this was that his antics on the final corner of the lap were so great that they named the corner “Gambon” after him.

Now, Top Gear is on its 19th series, 11 years later, and everyone knows that corner as “Gambon.” It really is a cool interview.  Oh, and then he went back and did ANOTHER interview that was shot during the production of Order of the Phoenix. And they mention Maggie Smith again! Making eyes at her! I completely forgot about this second interview!

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“He had nothing to do with it. It was me.”

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“That’s noble of you, Harry, to soothe me. But as it’s been pointed out, the parchment clearly says ‘Dumbledore’s Army.’ Not ‘Potter’s’.’ I instructed Harry to form this organization, and I, and I alone, am responsible for its activities.”

Colin:

This is the first time we hear “Dumbledore’s Army,” right? Given the accusations the Ministry is trying to make, that’s a pretty dumb name to use. But all the same, you know that somewhere deep down, Dumbledore’s like, “Fuck yeah, bitches. I got an army that I didn’t even create myself. I’m just that motherfucking popular.” 

What upset me a bit when watching this was how not baller it was compared to what it was like in the book. I remember this being a scene where the final reveal of Dumbledore taking the blame for it and doing what he’s about to do was this really badass moment, since at the beginning, you didn’t really know which way he was gonna fall until Harry took the blame himself. But here, he just up and says it out of nowhere and there’s no build to it. It’s kind of weak this way.

Which will be the same argument I have for something that happens later, which is still one of my biggest pet peeves about the franchise. But we’ll get to it.

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Fudge also says to dispatch an owl to the Daily Prophet. If they hurry, they can still make the morning edition.

Really shows where his interest lie, doesn’t it?

He also tells Kingsley to bring Dumbledore to Azkaban. The only thing missing from that statement was the word “boy.”

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Look at that look. “Motherfucker, I ain’t going back.”

I also love how they’re gonna throw him in prison to await trial. Over here, nobody gets sent to Alcatraz BEFORE the trial.

But I guess that’s to be expected when your holding cells aren’t guarded by anybody and can be disrupted by a simple Bombardo spell.

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“I thought we might hit this little snag.”

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“You seem to be laboring under the delusion that I’m going to – what was the phrase? – come quietly.”

(He doesn’t know that phrase?)

Colin:

I live in Japan. “Coming quietly” isn’t something I encounter very often. 

Something tells me the Japanese version of Cops looks nothing like the American version.

(Oh, I know what you meant. I just chose to interpret differently. There’s no way I can really top the perfection that is that comment.)

Colin:

And yet…

I love these articles.

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Crazy eyes.

“I have no intention of going to Azkaban.”

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Lotta people winking at Harry in this franchise.

What if Obi-Wan winked?

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Colin:

If you have EVER had questions in your mind about Dumbledore being the baddest motherfucker in this place, let them be assuaged. He tells them all that he’s not going to prison. Duly noted. “Enough of this! TAKE HIM!” ….. “BYE, BITCH!” And then the black guy acknowledges how badass that was.

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“Whoa!” (That’s like that Rafiki moment of “What the fuck was THAT?”)

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“You may not like him, Minister, but you can’t deny – Dumbledore’s got style.”

Preston Waters:

S-T-Y-L-E.

(Wow… who got that reference?)

Colin:

Wow, there’s two references to that film so far during this movie. 

We’re talking about the classic 1980 film Xanadu, in case none of you are following.

So Fawkes was a portkey, is that what it was? It felt a bit weaker for me than it did in the book, probably because of that stupid hand clasp thing he does. Seriously, find a more badass looking way to do it with the hands, and then you have it.

Plus that “he’s got style” line just felt so forced. Maybe it was the way it was worded. It just felt so – it felt like something that came from a script and not something that seemed natural to say in the moment. Like when people try to force badass action lines that just aren’t there, and you can tell.

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“Stand aside, boys, this fucker’s about to have himself an accident.”

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How are they supposed to read it if it’s that high? Why not put them horizontally across the wall?

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This is a weird shot. It’s raining, and then they half-turn to the sound of thunder, and then, presumably Neville is out there, and runs away to get out of the rain. It’s completely inexplicable.

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Does she get a portrait now, too?

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FUCK ART!

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Colin:

Holy shit! That’s a thing?! He can just tilt the frame and they fall out? Also, what purpose does it serve to just remove the paintings from the walls? I guess it makes things less cheerful and more like prison. Is that what you were going for? Why don’t we just skip Hogwarts altogether and start holding classes in an abandoned doll factory?

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Wow, they beefed up their security.

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Colin:

They’re all using the evil quills now? Where did she get so many? Is this just something that Bic makes? Can you get these at Wizard Staples? It was kinda cool when there was just one and it was only for Harry. But now we know. He ain’t speddle. Still though, this HAS to be against a law, and while I’m sure it doesn’t matter anymore, you still have to wonder how she procured so many of these special quills without attracting attention. Also, who came up with this item? I can’t see it being suited to anything but ancient school punishment.

Religious people.

You know they did.

Also, isn’t it weird that the same company makes both pens and lighters? Why don’t we ever talk about that?

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The Great Hall is a throne room now?

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Oh shit, they all got the fucked up quills.

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“You cunt.” That’s what that look is.

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Oh snap.

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Colin:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A BLESSING THIS IS? YOU HAVE AN ASIAN GIRL THAT FEELS GUILTY ABOUT SOME SHIT SHE DID TO YOU! THIS MAKES UP FOR EVERYTHING, TRUST ME! YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!

Seriously, though. Do we find out what circumstances were used? Does he at least talk to her to hear what she has to say? Does she get to plea her own case? Nah. I’ll just give up on the Asian love of my life cause she’s somehow connected with the breakup of one of my little clubs. He’s wasting this opportunity. I hope you’re happy, cause you just threw that away and now you have to settle on the ginger slut. I have never been more upset in the franchise and in Rowling than I am right now.

I remember reading this the first time and being convinced that it was all going to work out. When it kept not working out, I got more and more upset, until the series ended and I just had to accept that it wasn’t going to work out. I’m still waiting for Rowling to put out an epilogue to the epilogue in which we find out that things don’t work out between Harry and Ginny. They get a divorce — probably because of something one of their kids did — and Harry ends up with Cho, who has also ended up single after marrying whomever. AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

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This shot again.

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He’s whining like a bitch again. Honestly, Colin, if you’re gonna blame anyone for the Cho thing, blame Harry. He’s being a little bitch all movie. No wonder everyone flipped out at him over Expelliarmus. He’s being a little fuckhead right now.

Colin:

He is! I was pissed at him from the beginning of the movie. But then, we have to remember that it’s the will of the author that makes the characters do what they do. Why is Harry a prick? Rowling. Why is Ron useless? Rowling. Why does the only black kid have an absentee father? Rowling.

Honestly, if we really want to get to the bottom of this — God is dead and happiness is a lie.

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“Psst. Hey, kids – wanna buy some drugs?”

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Apparently it’s now okay to just bring kids into the forest.

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Centaurs. Take a good look, folks, because this is the best it’s gonna get for them this movie. Why would you cut them out? THEY’RE HALF MEN HALF HORSES! Who the fuck wants to see the Minister when you can see a man with horse legs!

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“The Ministry restricts their territory much more, they’re gonna have a full uprising on their hands.”

So centaurs are the Native Americans of the wizarding world.

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Anyway (which seems to be the preferred transition in this movie)… Hagrid couldn’t leave “without telling someone about him.”

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Technicolor.

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Hagrid is single handedly responsible for the dangers of this forest.

Colin:

Fucking true. And they’re usually responsible for the bad CGI in these movies.

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That’s Grawp, by the way. He ain’t heavy, he’s Hagrid’s brother.

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“He’s completely harmless, just like I said.” Like Aragog. And Fluffy.

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“This one pleases me. I will accept this tribute.”

Colin:

I…can’t even make a Juggernaut joke here cause it’s too perfect. 

He does have that retard strength, though.

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“Motherfucker… SIT DOWN.”

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“Put me down!”

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“Now.”

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Well goddamn.

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What is this, The Searchers? What are you holding your arm for?

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He likes her now.

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Colin:

I’ll give this bitch some handlebars. Bitches love handlebars.

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Hagrid asks them to look after him.

Colin:

Have you noticed how selfish Hagrid is? He keeps all these nasty creatures cause he likes them and he’s always shirking duties to take care of dangerous shit that should just fucking die. Like this. The world is coming apart at the seams, and you want them to take care of your dumbass giant pal? I don’t care if you ARE related, this is some selfish shit. They have other worries.

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Hagrid’s the only family he’s got.

Colin:

Wait, wait, wait. Why is she making the ‘want the dick’ face?! DO BITCHES ACTUALLY LOVE HANDLEBARS?

That not only should be a subtitle, but that should be a TITLE. “Do Bitches Really Love Handlebars?”

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So naturally we cut to this.

Colin:

“But you ain’t got no parents, Lieutenant Harry.”

(I’d like to point out how perfect that reference is, as Harry actually is a lieutenant right now.)

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“Feeling sentimental?”

Oh, right. Brain rape.

Colin:

Snape is so awesome. He just shows up in the dream like, “BOOM! YOU JUST GOT INCEPTED!”

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“That’s private.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1253

“Not to me.”

Remember how all of these lessons turned out to be totally pointless?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1254

“You’re just like your father – lazy, arrogant –”

He says he needs to control his emotions and stop being such a weak ass bitch.

Colin:

So he has to draw out his anger but then learn to control it? This is a lot like becoming a sith lord.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1255

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1256

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1257

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1258

So, let me get this straight – Snape now knows there’s a giant in the Dark Forest, right? And he ignores that?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1259

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1260

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1261

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1262

Colin:

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? Also, he’s clearly thinking about this and not about her betrayal. Wouldn’t that make him want to get back together, or at least talk to her about what went down? Asshole.

(I’m responsible for that link. Not him. I’ll take the blame.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1263

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1264

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1265

Colin:

“I may vomit.” YES, ONCE AGAIN, SNAPE IS AWESOME.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1266

“Stop it.”

Harry says they’ve been at it for hours. He needs rest.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1267

“The Dark Lord isn’t resting!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1268

He got the jump on you.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1269

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1270

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1271

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1272

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1273

We Need to Talk About Severus.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1274

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1275

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1276

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1277

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1278

I hope what he got out of this was, “Man… my dad was a DICK!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1279

Colin:

I didn’t like how they did this. Like Harry got the drop on Snape and got into his mind. Plus, Snape is a master occlumens, it isn’t like he couldn’t immediately block Harry from…raping his mind. The whole point is that he’s been successful in blocking Voldemort for like 15 years, I don’t buy that Harry just happened to succeed in breaking through for long enough to see all that.

And can we talk about how James Potter was basically a Slytherin? What an asshole. And then Lily marries him anyway. He’s basically a jock asshole who gets the girl in the end. I’m glad he got killed.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1280

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1281

And now Snape just endeth the lessons like that. Is that all it took? What happened to controlling your emotions?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1282

That’s his pimp smackin’ hand.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1283

I HAVE EMOTIONS.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1284

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1285

This is actually a nice little moment. Too bad they rushed past it. This could have been a really great bit. Even so, that shit is beyond the pale. She did that to a CHILD.

Colin:

I really liked this moment. You rarely see older kids talking to really younger kids, but Fred and George are trying to make this little nothing feel better. That’s sweet. They may be assholes, but they’re good assholes and we all like them.

Same reaction once again.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1286

Oh, that’s a great shot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1287

“You know, George, I’ve always felt out futures laid outside the world of academic achievement.”

Like, in the grave?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1288

Nice touch, having the name of the ink on there.

And… wait for it…

Colin:

Nice touch. You only get to use this kind of ink.

No joke, we watched these movies separately of one another, weeks apart. Now everybody take a shot.

Colin:

What kid showed up for a standardized test and during the directions, went, “Wait, wait, wait, a NO. 2 PENCIL? I only use No. 5 pencils! When did they make this rule?!” When the fuck did you see anything other than a no. 2 pencil outside an art classroom?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1289

Taught by whom?

Colin:

Filius Flitwick. Baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

I heard he once fucked an entire nunnery right before they were going to take their vows using nothing but gun fingers and the word “Yo.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1290

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1291

This shot is them in a nutshell – Hermione writing away, Ron bored out of his mind, and Harry staring down his enemy, like, “I’ll do all right on this test, but you’re fucking dead.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1292

One of my favorite single images in the entire franchise. That pendulum is BADASS.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1293

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1294

He hasn’t moved a muscle, either. Which is a good job by him.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1295

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1296

Something’s going on outside.

Colin:

QUICK! WHAT’S THE ANSWER TO NUMBER SEVEN?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1297

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1298

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1299

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1300

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1301

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1302

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1303

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1304

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1305

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1306

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1307

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1308

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1309

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1310

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1311

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1312

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1313

Colin:

Fuck your decrees, we make fireworks.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1314

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1315

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1316

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1317

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1318

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1319

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1320

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1321

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1322

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1323

Let’s just leave this one at… wrong franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1324

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1325

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1326

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1327

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1328

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1329

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1330

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1331

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1332

This actually is worthy of schoolwide applause.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1333

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1334

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1335

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1336

I keep telling you, but are y’all really listening?

Colin:

Best moment of the franchise. Filius Flitwick, witnessing all of this, gets in a secret pump. Cause all those fireworks and literally everything the twins make to fuck with people? Charms. Rowling has made it clear that the twins were horrible students except for charms, in which they were bosses.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1337

Colin:

So, girl behind Harry, you don’t seem very impressed. Think you’re a badass, do you? How about a smile? Oh, never mind, she’s a Slytherin, so she hates happiness and joy.

Maybe she was fucking one (or both) of them and now they just up and left.

No more Eiffel Towers, only Holland Tunnels for her now.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1338

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1339

Oh, he’s doing the personalities thing again.

Colin:

“No! These people are clapping for something that isn’t me! Cue collapse!” How anticlimactic would this have been if they were still in the exam? His head would have just hit the desk.

How hilarious would it have been if that happened? Just, WHAM! On the desk. And he gets a concussion and shit? That would be hilarious. A big ass bruise under his scar. He looks like a fucking gay wizard unicorn. That would have been great.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1340

Of course she’s the one to see it. Why is she the only really good friend in this franchise? I mean, Ron’s a good friend, but he’s too prone to “Oh, you didn’t tell me this, I’m mad at you,” and Harry, we already established is a giant asshole.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1341

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1342

“Tell me where it is?”

“Inside your sister’s vagina. I left it in there before I left.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1343

Oh shit, he getting Crucio’d.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1344

Colin:

We better stop here to talk about the Dewey Decimal System for prophecies. Wait, we get nothing? Oh, okay. False alarm.

Who is the wizarding world’s Dewey?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1345

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1346

Harry’s like, “We gotta go save him.” This is the moment where a present Dumbledore could put a stop to everything.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1347

Hermione’s the reasonable one, saying he’s only doing it to get to Harry.

Harry is a Gryffindor.

Colin:

Hey, staircase! Slow down so that you don’t link up to the other staircase until after our expository dialogue is done!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1348

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1349

They’re gonna use the floo network.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1350

Breaking into the bitch’s office.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1351

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1352

Oh, so floo is just something you can turn on and turn off now?

Colin:

Does the floo network connect to Hogwarts? Is it one way? Couldn’t you just say, “Hogwarts” and get in that way from any other place in the world? 

Presumably she has a direct line to the Ministry, and that’s what it is.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1353

Gotcha, bitch.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1354

“You were going to Dumbledore, weren’t you?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1355

Di Di Mao!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1356

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1357

She wants the Veritaserum. He says she used up the last of his store on Cho.

Colin:

“I can finally make an honest woman out of you,” said Snape as he opened the Veritaserum…

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1358

Colin:

Why the hell would you tell us that now? Now it’s too late and Harry’s been a dick. Thanks for looking into it on your own, Harry. I really can’t get over how stupid all of this was. At least in the book, there was a proper conflict because Cho’s friend told on them and then Cho stuck up for the friend when Harry got pissed. There’s a semi-legit reason to break up. At least they TALKED about it. This was just Harry throwing away a fine Asian girl with literally no good reason or justification. And then when we find out things weren’t what they seemed…oh well, I guess I’ll just try out this ginger instead. Fuck you, Rowling. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1359

That look.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1360

“Unless you wish to poison him, and I assure you, I would have the greatest sympathy if you did, I cannot help you.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1361

“He’s got Padfoot.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1362

“He’s got Padfoot at the place where it’s hidden.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1364

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1363

“What the fuck is he talking about?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1365

“No idea.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1366

Colin:

Snape needs to win the boss award for this scene. He hears a coded message in public, turns, makes an obvious look of understanding, and when asked by the authorities what the fuck is going on….”No idea.” PEACE! 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1367

She says that means there’s only one thing left – the Cruciatus Curse.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1368

“That’s illegal.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1369

“What Cornelius doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Colin:

She puts the picture face down like they’re about to fuck. So, is that implying that the picture CAN see what’s going on? Even though it was facing away from them anyway? Wouldn’t he have seen them trying to get into the fireplace before and alerted a picture of himself somewhere else, and gotten word to the REAL Cornelius? What the hell is going on? I swear, half of the things that go unanswered or unexplained in this franchise add up over time to the point where if you answered all of them, the plot would be completely altered.

“What’s that, Painting Lassie? Seamus fell down the well again? Pavarti’s stuck under a log? I’m on my way!”

I still say the pictures don’t have the ability to see shit. I thought of this as more of a symbolic thing that she was doing because she’s an evil cunt. She’s so dedicated that she thinks that somehow Fudge’s picture might actually see her doing this, so she puts it down, the way we all turn away our family pictures before we masturbate.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1370

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1371

“Tell her, Harry!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1372

“Tell me what?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1373

“Well if you won’t tell her where it is, I will… Dumbledore’s secret weapon.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1374

Colin:

She just heard the words “secret weapon” and nutted in her little knickers.

Those knickers be crazy.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1375

Colin:

Gee, we’re glad you decided to come on your own, Dolores, instead of calling for backup and bringing a goon squad. Cause fuck a goon squad, let’s go.

This is why Hermione is the best character in the franchise. She gets shit done. Hermione is the person who brings them all to the 1-yard line and Harry’s the one who gets it in the end zone by sheer dumb luck most of the time.

Colin:

I don’t really know a lot about hockey, but I think I get it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1376

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1377

“There is no weapon, is there?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1378

“You know… I really hate children.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1379

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1380

“I see you!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1381

“You have no business here, centaur. This is a Ministry matter.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1382

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1383

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1384

I don’t think he heard you.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1385

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1386

“How DARE you? Filthy half-breed!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1387

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1388

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1389

Colin:

Centaur showdown! It’s actually kinda cool how she stops the first two arrows. You’re thinking, okay, maybe she IS in control.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1390

“I will have order!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1391

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1392

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1393

Colin:

But then Lenny shows up and wants to pet her.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1394

“Tell them I mean no harm!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1395

“I’m sorry, Professor. I must not tell lies.”

Harry Potter just won everything. That might be the single most badass thing he says in the franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1396

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1397

“Gooble Gobble! One of of us!”

Colin:

Oh NO, I know that reference now, and…eww.

(I feel like we should explain that at some point on here. Not the reference, I mean… why you get it now.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1398

Remember the good old days of the forest?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1399

Let’s just leave that giant in the forest, unattended to and able to go where he pleases. That’ll end well.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1400

How’d they get away?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1401

Ron said he was hungry, wanted some sweets. They said fuck off and ate them themselves. They were puking pastilles.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1402

“That was clever, Ron.”

Colin:

RON DID A SMART THING, EVERYONE TAKE NOTICE.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1403

“It’s been known to happen.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1404

Neville’s then like, “So, how are we getting to London?” And Harry’s like, “Look, I appreciate you all, but…”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1405

“Dumbledore’s Army is supposed to be about doing something real.”

Like dying?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1406

“Was it all just words to you?”

Yes. It was. Goodbye.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1407

“Maybe you don’t have to do this all by yourself, mate.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1408

“So how are we going to get to London?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1409

“We fly of course.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1410

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1411

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1412

Colin:

This seems like a bad idea. They all hop on these creatures, never having seen one fly (and some of them having never seen one AT ALL) and hope for the best. No riding lessons, no saddles or harnesses — just hop on the horribly emaciated creature and try not to worry about the vertebrae up your ass. (Thestrals – ribbed for her pleasure.) Do they just figure, “Oh, London’s that way?” Do they follow the Hogwarts Express tracks? And since everyone seems to be having fun and to know what they’re doing, can they all see the thestrals now?

Here’s a question – why can WE see them?

Colin:

I’m going to raise one last point about this whole invisibility thing — where do they draw the line with “death?” I’m assuming that humanoid creatures like goblins would be able to see them if they had witnessed a death, goblin or human. But I guess we’re not counting stuff like the spider they all witnessed Barty Crouch as Moody use the killing curse on? What if it had been a sentient being, like an acromantula? THEN does it count? I think this is a concept that Rowling never thought through. It’s just one of those things that IS a certain way, if and when she wants it to be. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1413

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1414

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1415

Colin:

You know, I just realized that if she ever drowned, she’d be Rowling in the Deep.

And this is where we end PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

We finish tomorrow with Part V, and one of the series’ many amazing action sequences that ultimately ends up being pointless, plot-wise.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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