Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Part V — “Try Not to Make Any Prophecies on the Way to the Parking Lot”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Title Card

We begin Part V in the Ministry of Magic.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1416

Colin:

Wait, how did they get in? Why are there no people there? Would there normally be people here, but Voldemort capped them? 

Going by normal movie logic, there should be a Death Eater disguised as a janitor here.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1417

Wouldn’t you pick up Fred and George for this? Or are they applying for small business loans currently?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1418

This is weird. Is is just open like this when no one is working? Considering this is basically the White House of the wizarding world, isn’t there always SOMEONE around?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1419

That’s a badass shot, though.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1420

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1421

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1422

How many places have that kind of door handle?

Is it gonna turn into Jacob Marley’s face?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1423

Guys, there must be a light switch SOMEWHERE.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1424

Oh, that works.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1425

Also, have they ever explained why this is important? We know nothing at this point, right? Good, we’ll wait on the discussion, since when we do find out what this is all about, it’s still fucking pointless.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1426

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1427

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1428

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1429

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1430

Oh… he’s not there.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1431

It’s weird how Voldemort never thought to do this sooner.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1432

Harry has a small prophecy.

But I guess it’s more how you use it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1433

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1434

“This is embarrassing.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1435

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1436

“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. And the Dark Lord shall mark him as his equal but he shall have power the Dark Lord knows not. For neither can live while the other survives.”

This is seriously all this book is about. They’re looking for that. This is totally pointless. That tells us NOTHING that affects the outcome of the franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1437

Okay, so here’s the backstory on this: Dumbledore interviews Trelawney for the Divination job and the interview goes horribly. Dumbledore’s about to leave when suddenly she starts prophecizing out of nowhere (like she did with Harry in Azkaban). She says a more expanded version of what was said from that crystal ball, which is:

“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies… and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not… and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives… the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies….

So the idea is that a child will be born at the end of July to parents who have defied Voldemort three times and lived. Snape hears this prophecy and, as he’s working for Voldemort at the time, runs off to tell him. Only Snape only heard the first half of the prophecy, missing the part about having power Voldemort doesn’t have. So Voldemort finds out two kids were born who meet the requirements of the prophecy — Harry and Neville. Voldemort decides it’s Harry (because Harry is a half-blood, like him). So he goes and murders James and Lily and the entire plot of the franchise is set in motion. Not to mention, once he makes this decision, Snape runs to Dumbledore because he’s in love with Lily, which is what turns Snape into a double agent.

Okay, got all that? So really all that’s happening now is Voldemort is getting the second half of the prophecy he didn’t hear the first time. Which doesn’t really tell him much of anything, since he doesn’t know what the powers Harry possesses are.

Oh, and the reason Voldemort can’t get this himself is because it can only be retrieved by the person it’s spoken about. And since it’s only directly about Harry, that’s the bullshit plot device that allows this all to happen.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1438

And another thing — how the fuck is the prophecy fully recorded, with Trelawney’s voice, as it was spoken?

Also, WHO THE FUCK ARE MAKING ALL THESE PROPHECIES? And how many of them are bullshit?

Oh, but yeah, bad guys are here or whatever.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1439

Wands Wide Shut.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1440

Isn’t there some sort of night vision spell that would allow them to turn the wands off and see?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1441

That’s not Malfoy coming toward you, Harry. That’s God. (I guarantee you I will never get tired of this joke.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1442

“Now now, you really should be able to tell the difference between dreams…”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1443

“…and reality.”

So Voldemort just told everyone this was his plan? Why would you do that? So they could sit there and tell him how brilliant it was? Wouldn’t he just do it and tell them to get there and murder the kid? Why the fuck should it matter to them how he ended up there?

Are they just having all these strategy meetings about how to do this? Why haven’t we seen those?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1444

“You do anything to us, I’ll break it.”

Why wouldn’t you just break it anyway? What fucking use is it to anyone?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1445

Oh, that laugh.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1446

“He knows how to play.”

Colin:

Helena Bonham Carter fell down a hill. (But really, though. What amazing casting that was.)

What he’s referring to is one of my favorite tweets somebody wrote where they said their appearance that day was best described as “Helena Bonham Carter fell down a hill,” and it was perfect. You knew EXACTLY what she meant by that.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1447

“Neville Longbottom, is it? How’s mom and dad?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1448

She’s awesome.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1449

“Great, now they’re about to be avenged.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1450

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1451

Psst… behind you. Why is no one checking the six? This is why you motherfuckers need someone like me. I’d be all over that shit.

Also, Harry says Voldemort.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1452

“You dare speak his name.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1453

“You filthy half-blood!”

Racists will always tell on themselves.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1455

“Prophecies can only be retrieved by those about whom they are made.”

Who made that rule?

Also, the prophecy is technically also about Voldemort too. I know the wording, but like… it’s literally about someone who’s capable of murdering him. That seems like the kind of bullshit technicality sci-fi writers come up with to explain how their version of time travel actually has to go a certain way to make their narrative work.

Colin:

First, that’s a bullshit rule. Even Trelawney couldn’t get her own prophecy back? And “retrieved” means…picked up? Listened to? Why doesn’t Voldemort just show up and listen to the thing? What year is it? 2007? That shit’s probably on Kazaa.

Speaking of Kazaa — what if there’s a thing where, if you’re not the person who the prophecy’s about, you hear some fake ‘go fuck yourself’ message like there used to be when you downloaded a fake song?

Also — do people have to come here to listen to prophecies? Do you sign them out and get a private room to listen to them in? Or is it just standing there and you put it back on the shelf? Can you get a prophecy sent to you? 3-5 business days?

Why does any of this exist? It’s funny how so many of these books/films exist with basically giant MacGuffins for a plot. The Sorcerer’s Stone — means nothing, does nothing. Chamber of Secrets — basically just unleashes a giant snake. Azkaban — well this one’s at least meaningful. Goblet of Fire — the tournament is utterly pointless.

Now that we live in the Marvel Age — this is like how that Endgame saga felt. You’re watching for like six films and going, “Why the fuck is Thanos doing nothing?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1456

Admiral Ackbar:

IT’S A TRAP!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1457

Too bad none of you were smart enough to create a portkey for easy exit.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1458

Lucius wants the prophecy.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1459

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1460

“Your lack of compliance disturbs me.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1461

Colin:

Big fan of the overhead “y’all are surrounded” shot. Also happened in Moria. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1462

“I’ve waited fourteen years… I guess I can wait a little longer.”

Some people wait 84 years. You’re alright.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1463

Stupefy’d the FUCK out of them.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1464

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1465

Colin:

I guess being a Death Eater just requires that you be a dick and wear black. What’s the difference between being a Death Eater and being goth or emo?

Tolerance of other people.

Colin:

Cause a bunch of kids just got the drop on you and you got messed up by some Stupefying spells. Yeah, you’re real badasses. This is the wizarding equivalent of children being held at gunpoint and escaping by throwing water balloons at the bad guys. I…cannot take you seriously, now, Death Eaters. 

Not when they’re wearing those… underwears.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1466

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1467

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1468

I want my two dollars!”

Colin:

See? THAT’S what Harry needs to learn. Can we finally discuss what the fuck this is? How do the Death Eaters fly around with no brooms or anything? Just flying around, turning wispy and stuff. It’s cool, but I’m really confused at what it is, how it works, and why nobody else really does it except the Order for this particular fight.

It’s Limbo Mist.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1469

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1470

Well this… is not good.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1471

Wow, you just punched a child in the face.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1472

I like her sneakers.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1473

“Levicorpus!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1474

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1475

That was not Levicorpus.

That was Rapius Repellus.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1476

This might be one of the most disturbing shots in the franchise for me.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1477

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1478

Neville just Petrificus Totalus’d him. Oh, sweet irony.

Remember — four hours, call a doctor.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1479

The Bloody Baroness approves.

Colin:

See, the failure here is that these Death Eaters are letting the kids point wands at them and giving them the time to perform spells. What? Didn’t we see in dueling that you can block those? Or since we later see that the majority of them don’t require incantations for most spells, wouldn’t they just use something to stop the kids before they finished performing whatever spell they were trying? Seriously, when Neville Longbottom gets the drop on you with “Petrificus Totalus”….that’s SEVEN syllables being spoken by NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM. You honestly can’t do ANYTHING to stop him? 

Next movie they won’t even be speaking words. It’s just gonna be zap zap zap.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1480

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1481

All these people are flying perfectly up the aisles and disturbing none of the bull in this china shop.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1482

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1483

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1484

Colin:

This is better. Shooting at the Death Eaters and them blocking.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1485

“Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1486

Why does he look like he’s flying on his side with his hand resting in a fireman calendar pose or something?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1487

I guess nobody’s coming back for those prophecies. Hopefully none of those were about the person who was gonna cure wizard cancer or something.

I have to say, though – it’s this sequence that made this one of my favorite movies in the franchise. The whole thing is fucking pointless, but this shit looks amazing.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1488

I really wanna know how many of these prophecies are bullshit. Trelawney’s only made two in her life. And only one of them’s recorded. So where are all these other ones coming from? Just one guy who makes a dozen prophecies a day. “The Whole Foods is gonna be out of oat milk today.” By the law of averages someone must be making way too many prophecies.

Randall:

Try not to make any prophecies on the way to the parking lot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1489

SMOKE BOMB!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1490

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1491

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1492

OH SHIT HE JUST SHOT HIM POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!

Think about that – you’re in a car trying to get away. Someone is trying to run you down. You pull out a shotgun and blast them in the fucking face and drive away. How fucking awesome is that?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1493

Yup.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1494

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1495

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1496

“Reducto!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1497

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1498

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1499

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1500

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1501

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1502

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1503

So I guess that guy’s dead.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1504

Oh no… all those prophecies!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1505

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1506

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!

Colin:

Ginny, you just broke a lot of shit and I don’t think your parents can pay for it all.

Remember when Arthur was on guard here? Are there no more guards since the attack?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1507

Uh oh.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1508

Again, not helping.

What the fuck is that look? “No, no, leave me… I like it.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1509

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1510

You know what I just realized? If he came alone and had his Invisibility Cloak, none of this would probably have ever happened.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1511

That’s a lot of falling glass. What happened to all those protection spells you guys learned? Hermione must know at least one barrier spell.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1512

All those people’s prophecies…

I guess I’m not upset at this. This is basically like if you told me someone made it so horoscopes disappeared. I’m more than okay with this.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1513

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1514

This whole plot is made even more pointless if somehow these prophecies can be replaced.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1515

If someone dies, and the prophecy was about them, can it just never be retrieved?

Also, what if a prophecy was made about something other than a human?

And what exactly dictates that a prophecy is legit? What if someone faked a prophecy and then said “Umbridge sucks owl cocks”? Does that count? Does that get its own prophecy spot in the Dewey system?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1516

You’re also running over a lot of glass.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1517

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1518

WHY WOULD YOU HAVE THAT DOOR?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1519

And it closes on its own, of course.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1520

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1521

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1522

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1523

Colin:

How convenient. A charm that stops you just before hitting the ground. Now that we know those exist, I bet they’re set up most places. Oh, no, because a lot of kids are severely injured falling to the ground from their brooms, whether during matches, or during practice like Neville. That would have been a good time for that charm. And if they aren’t casting it at the bottom of the stairs at Hogwarts, they fucking should be. Those staircases going all over the place and an unbroken fall for what looks like hundreds of feet. Consistency?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1524

Completely unbroken.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1525

“The voices… can you hear what they’re saying?”

“There aren’t any voices, Harry.”

Colin:

How many times has this happened? “I hear/see something.” “Harry, there’s nothing there.” By now, it’s probably best to just go with it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1526

“Speak friend and enter.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1527

This is apparently a weird portal that seemingly connects the land of the living to the land of the dead. It’s been here as long as the Ministry has (weird it would choose this spot to show up, especially since it seems to be eternal) and nobody knows how it works. As far as they can tell, anything that goes in never comes out, and they can hear the dead on the other side. Real weird and convenient to just be here and for this battle to happen here.

Also, totally unrelated, this reminds me of the short story “Window” by Bob Leman. Which is about a portal that appears out of nowhere, showing, on the other side, an idyllic 1800s Victorian house with a family living there. And then all of a sudden the military and scientists all show up and start figuring out what the hell is going on. They start shouting at the portal, but nothing gets through on either side. And they try tossing things through it, but anything that goes through is never seen again. Except, every few hours, for about ten seconds, things can get through. And there’s one person who’s been stationed outside this thing who starts idealizing things on the other side — gives the family names and imagines what their life is like. And he starts dreaming about how nice it would be to live like that. Until one day he decides he’s gonna cross over. So when the ten second window happens, he rushes through. He goes up to the house and up to the family… and then are suddenly revealed to be vicious cannibals and start eating him.

As I said, completely unrelated to the movie, but the story always stuck with me. Anyway, time for some shit to go down.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1528

“Get behind me!”

…too easy.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1529

Why does the score turn into “One Winged Angel” all of a sudden?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1530

So again — why do you need to keep that prophecy? You’ve heard it already. Why wouldn’t you smash it or bury it in the room as everything else got destroyed? I can only accept ‘it’s the only thing keeping them from killing your friends’, but you never say that.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1531

Death Eaters used Smog.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1532

But Neville’s accuracy won’t go any lower!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1533

How exactly does this fog shit work? Aren’t they just being annoying?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1534

I’m glad his hair isn’t stupid anymore.

Also, just throw the prophecy through the portal. Or at least threaten to. At this point you’re gonna get people murdered.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1535

Too bad the wizarding world doesn’t do movies. Because she should do the Face/Off thing right now. Stab him in the leg and twist.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1536

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1537

Christmas card.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1538

Ha ha. It’s the guy he shot in the face.

I also think that might be Bellatrix’s brother?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1539

Colin:

Hermione makes a good hostage. Shake a little bit, make a noise, good….good. I like it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1540

GREAT shot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1541

Wait, you can see through the portal to the other side, and yet if you cross through it you don’t come back? Way to make that even more confusing, guys.

Also, another thing about the portal — apparently the portal has this ability, when someone stands by it long enough, to make someone become mesmerized by it. They’d just become unable to look away and slowly become inclined to walk through it. And it’s heavily implied that this happens because the person believes in some sort of afterlife and it’s that curiosity that compels them. And in the book, almost all the group starts to have that feeling until Hermione tells them they should probably just leave the room. Which — two things about that: Hermione doesn’t even know what this portal is but instinctively realizes there’s something dangerous about it, and it means she doesn’t believe in an afterlife. Which one again makes her the smartest and most rational person in the franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1542

He wants this dance.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1543

Give him the prophecy or watch his friends die.

What’s to say they won’t murder them anyway?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1544

Need an answer, Hank.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1545

“$1! Bet $1!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1546

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1547

“Don’t give it to him, Harry!”

You think it would freak her out if he turned his head to her and said, “I’m Petrificus Totalus right now”?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1548

“Shh!”

Colin:

Why would the Death Eaters be so civil? Neville speaks up and Lestrange just puts her wand over his neck. It’s Helena, so it’s a nice touch, but wouldn’t Bellatrix use some spell to shut him the fuck up?

I thought it would have been badass if she just went across his neck and slit his fucking throat. How awesome would THAT have been? Just slit a guy’s throat with your wand? Or just a good, solid neck snap. The acoustics are solid in this place. A perfectly timed neck snap could be like that opening piano chord of “Baba O’Riley.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1549

Hey, remember when they demanded to go with you? They knew the risks. Fuck ‘em.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1550

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1551

You pussy.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1552

Colin:

And I’m still confused at why this prophecy is so important and why Voldie can’t have it. Is it just gonna tell him what it told Harry? That one of them must die for the other to survive? So….he’ll have to kill Harry? Which….is what he’s been trying to do all along. Just give them the fucking prophecy, stop being so spiteful. For all you know, this is like Prophecy Blockbuster, where people just show up and rent them to watch. Though by the look of the damage Ginny just did in the store room, I’m betting Prophecy Blockbuster’s out of business now too. :(

Proph-flix.

Also, so only Harry could take it off the shelf but after that it can go to anyone? Seems like a pretty convenient flaw.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1553

He holds things up like a dick too. Push him through the fucking portal. Reducto his dick or something.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1554

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1555

You should have stolen another one and swapped them out.

Because unless there’s some sort of protection where if it’s not about you then you can’t pick it up like Thor’s hammer, then it’s just that you can’t listen to it unless it’s about you. So just fucking pick up three and do Three Proph Monte and make him guess at it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1556

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1557

“Get away from my godson.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1558

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1559

Colin:

GARY! BAMF!

It’s even more badass because he doesn’t use a wand.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1560

There’s a face.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1561

So uhh… you told Snape about all this hours ago. It was still daylight. Then the kids went into the Dark Forest and let their teacher be taken away by centaurs. Then they went back to campus, met up with some others and formulated a plan. Then they went into the woods, got on thestrals and flew to London, then went all the way to the Ministry and found the prophecy and then had this whole fight scene.

And you’re telling me, in all that time, these people, who can apparate, could only get here now?

And this is beside the fact that they still didn’t have a guard posted here despite not only the fact that it’s clearly the one thing Voldemort has been after all year but also that ONE OF THEM HAS ALREADY BEEN ALMOST KILLED HERE.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1562

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1563

I’m confused. Have we elected a pope or not?

Colin:

So, see what I mean? They can all do this flying thing and it’s NEVER addressed. Plus, notice how they’re all white when they fly so we don’t get confused. You might have thought the Death Eaters were black wispy things because they were wearing black, but the Order all wear dark clothing as well. Turns out if you’re a good guy, you just turn into white wispy stuff instead. Seems like a disadvantage in terms of camouflage.

Also, is the color of their wispiness determined by them as they take on that form, or is it inherent to that person, like a Patronus? If someone turned traitor, for instance, would their wispy form become black? Because the only alternative I can think of is that they all decide upon it in advance to avoid friendly fire. “Why do we have to be white EVERY time?” “Because, Kingsley, white is the color of goodness. No offense.”

Kingsley’s wisp is Jamaican colors. That’s canon.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1564

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1565

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1566

Aww… you fucked up.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1567

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1568

Still can shoot her right now, buddy.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1569

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1570

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1571

What a badass way to enter. Head down, almost kneeling, then you get up and fuck some shit up. A+ for Moody. Best entrance.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1572

Oh, but Kingsley’s giving him a run for his money.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1573

Lupin, I choose you!

He’s got a type advantage over Dolohov. Werewolf does x2 damage.

I hope Voldemort didn’t pack any Full Restores.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1574

Sup, Tonks? Still like yo raincoat.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1575

What’s that face for? No matter, because –

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1576

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1577

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1578

BAM!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1579

They both shot that guy in the face.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1580

Let’s all stop to appreciate — Snape actually did them a solid here.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1581

This motherfucker’s dueling from the floor!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1582

Oh, that’s badass. That’s that shortstop sidearm throw.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1583

Why are there rocks there?

And why does Luna look like when they cut to a wide shot of a hobbit?

Also, why is Ginny taking Kingsley by the arm like they’re going to… oh.

Colin:

FUCKING SEE?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1584

Sirius tells Harry to get out of there.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1585

“No, I’m staying with you.”

Maybe listen to the guy you’re about to get killed.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1586

“You’ve done beautifully. Now let me take it from here.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1587

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1588

Colin:

Lucius whips out the wand from his pimp cane! Yeah!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1589

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1590

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1591

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1592

Look at that form. It’s like he’s got a six-shooter. One hand on the hammer. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1593

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1594

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1595

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1596

Colin, I apologize in advance.

Colin:

Not great. But of everything in that movie, I have very little issue with it. There’s a reason for it to be there and it doesn’t use awful CGI. It’s real, unlike most of the film.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1597

So Sirius told him to run, but everyone else is just chilling at the bottom of those rocks.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1598

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1599

But actually, why are there rocks there? Have they explained where the fuck they even are?

Did they build their ministry at the exact site of the fucking 2001 Monolith? Because it sure seems like they did. Shouldn’t this instead be the location of this place?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1600

Colin:

Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect har-mon-y!

Shiho would agree with me that you can’t hear that song and not think of this. (I know that might be a weird reference for anyone who’s… tall.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1601

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1602

I like how during this they randomly cut to Beatrix cackling. The woman creates characterization by just a laugh.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1603

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1604

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1605

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1606

Colin:

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MOODY’S STICK? Remember how there was a simple tapping code for exposing Grimmauld Place, and another for summoning a certain number of brooms, and now one tap fucks up a Death Eater. How does this all work? I thought he had a wand.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS… my class.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1607

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1608

“Expelliarmus!”

How come the rest of them aren’t dueling? The adults said don’t, but you all demanded to come so Harry didn’t get killed. So maybe help him out.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1609

Man, what if that actually took off one of his arms? Do you think everyone would stop fighting and have a good laugh?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1610

“Nice one, James!”

Colin:

So…awkward.

I think it’s endearing here. If Ginny did it during sex… yeah, then it’s awkward.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1611

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1612

I like how they drop the sound out here. Though for some reason all the spells sound like those little snap pop fireworks you have to use as a kid.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1613

Clean shot. In and out.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1614

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1615

Kill shot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1616

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1617

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1618

Oh wow.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1619

FINISH HIM!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1620

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1621

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1622

K-O!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1623

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1624

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1625

“Avada Kedavra!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1626

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1627

You can start a spell while mid-wisp?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1628

BEST REACTION SHOT EVER.

I don’t care what you say to me from here on out, or whatever we find from here on out, there is nothing that will top this face in the history of movies. Ever.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1629

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1630

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1631

Oh, but yeah, he’s dead now.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1632

“Fuck.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1633

Colin:

Suddenly we’re using Avada Kedavra? Where the fuck did THAT come from? Thanks, JK Rowling, for robbing us of one of the most badass characters in the whole fucking franchise and the best actor in the franchise. Not that she knew about that when she wrote it, but still. Doesn’t this feel like her making Harry a martyr with the pen torture? It’s an arbitrary event except for the aspect that’s purely Rowling saying, “Fuck yo happiness, Harry.” There were no other killing spells going around, and this one happened to hit OG Oldman at the ONE moment he wasn’t ready for it. 

So, now’s a good time to point out — in the book, she doesn’t cast the killing curse on him. She just casts a spell that stuns him (heavily implied to be Stupefy) and makes him go through the portal. He dies because he falls through the portal and not because she actively murders him. It’s even more sad in the book because Harry keeps thinking he’s going to come back through… only to realize he isn’t.

But what the movie does is basically clean up all the weird logic stuff Rowling put that makes absolutely no sense and definitively just says, “Yeah, she kills him.” Which, at that point, why bother having the portal at all?

Also, the idea that she just stunned him and sent him to the portal whereupon he died — that makes the next scene where she’s skipping and laughing about how she killed him land go even harder than it does here. Just saying.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1634

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1635

Weird how he’s still kind of alive for a few seconds just so they can get this shot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1636

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1637

Also, realistically, given the life this guy’s had, it’s kind of a miracle he’s lasted this long.

But also, fuck that shit. He was the best character.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1638

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1639

The portal is never once explained in the movie, and it’s ridiculous that it’s even here.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1640

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1641

My big problem with this is that in the book, this was a big deal. The two deaths that actually made me go, “Oh fuck, this is sad,” in the books were Sirius and Dobby. And they kind of got Dobby right in the film (kind of… we’ll see when we actually get to it), but here, I was so upset at how they did this. This was a real fucked up moment in the book, largely because Harry kept holding out hope it was gonna be okay (as was I), and then you get that awful realization that no, he’s gone.

Sirius ACTUALLY was my favorite character. (And then, just to bring it up, since the movies don’t – after Rowling killed Sirius, I switched my allegiance over to Lupin as a favorite — and then Rowling turned him into a whining coward in the last book just to fuck with me.) I get why Sirius’ death happens, but I wish they’d have done it better.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1642

Oh, actually, THIS is the moment for this link.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1643

Colin:

Lupin’s even got the same sort of face. Like a refried Sean Bean.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1644

I’ll give it to Radcliffe, though. He understands the moment.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1645

Wow, he’s actually making this better for me, since this is how he’s supposed to be reacting.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1646

Colin:

As if to prove my point, as Harry’s wailing and Lupin’s holding him, Bellatrix is just fucking watching them. She could cap both of them right now, or at least Lupin if we assume she has to save Harry for Voldie to kill. Oldman’s death only makes sense in the context of other, similar attacks. I want to make it abundantly clear to everyone reading this: Bellatrix Lestrange did not kill Sirius Black. JK Rowling did. And fuck her for that.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1647

Love that smile. “I did that shit.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1648

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1649

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1650

I also LOVE this moment. Because he’s fucking ready to kill.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1651

That face says a lot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1652

I also LOVE how Bellatrix is basically skipping up the hall, chanting, “I killed Sirius Black, na na na na na na!” This has to be considered #1 perfect casting for the entire franchise. In terms of a bigger part for an established actor – hell, even overall – I don’t think there’s anything that beats this.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1653

But actually.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1654

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1655

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1656

“Crucio!”

I love how over the course of the books, they make Harry perform two of the three Unforgivable Curses. The movies do it too, but they don’t make a big a deal about it, which is stupid.

Also, now that I think about it, both uses of Unforgivable curses by Harry involve, in some way, Bellatrix.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1657

So remember — he got expelled (temporarily) for using a Patronus charm in self-defense. And now, here he is, IN THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC, using one of the three Unforgivable curses (which are illegal)… and it’s just cool.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1658

I guess that one-way ticket to Azkaban got lost in the mail.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1659

This is kind of cool. What I like about this is that – you know she’s not afraid to die, and yet, there’s that childlike thing she has that makes it work.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1660

“You’ve got to mean it, Harry.”

This is so good.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1661

“She killed him. She deserves it.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1662

“You know the spell, Harry.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1663

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1664

Right, though?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1665

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1666

“Do it!”

This is pretty awesome that he does this.

Colin:

This is some straight up Star Wars shit. Give in to your hate. I know I’d be screwed for this sort of ‘test’. Couldn’t throw away the lightsaber like Luke. Couldn’t stop myself from messing up Bellatrix like this. I’d hear that voice in my head go, “C’mon…you know the spell…” and be like, “As a matter of fact, I do. DEAD!” The problem is that spells are too instantaneous, and even the ones that cause lasting pain don’t continue shooting a beam from your wand. I want to see that person getting messed up by ME. Continuous flow. Drip drip drip. But with pain.

Subtitle.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1667

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1668

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1669

GET THAT WEAK ASS EXPELLIARMUS SHIT OUT OF MY FACE.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1670

“So… weak.”

Right???

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1671

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1672

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1673

I arrive out of floo fire, motherfucker.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1674

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1675

“It was foolish of you to come here tonight, Tom.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1676

That’s right, he called you by your government name.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1677

“The Aurors are on their way.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1678

“By which time I shall be gone, and you…”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1679

“Shall be dead.”

That pause was pretty badass.

Colin:

That little pause where he said, “And you — shall be dead” — that was SUPER gay.

I love these articles.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1680

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1681

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1682

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1683

That was either super badass or super gay. Honestly, I’m fine with it being both. Because that’s Dumbledore.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1684

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1685

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1686

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1687

Bellatrix:

SKIRT!

She’s got priors. She can’t be here.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1688

I like how rounded this place is. You don’t really see arches except for here.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1689

Oh it’s fucking ON!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1690

Of course Dumbledore’s got a pink stream. Of course he does.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1691

This was such a gigantic scene in the books. I remember reading this for the first time wondering what was gonna happen.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1692

What a weird choice of framing, but okay.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1693

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1694

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1695

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1696

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1697

One of the best conceived shots in the entire franchise. I loved that.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1698

So here’s a fun story — when I read this book for the first time, the rumor going around was that they were gonna cast Rowan Atkinson as Voldemort. Which… not the worst decision ever and could’ve been kinda good in an ‘against type’ kinda way (even though clearly Ralph Fiennes was fantastic). But I just remember reading this, knowing we were years away from the movie, and picturing Mr. Bean in a robe, running around shooting at Dumbledore.

It really gave me a different perspective on this sequence than what was probably intended.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1699

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1700

I also love how you HEAR the electricity coming from these wands. That’s top notch sound design.

This is also one of those duels where you’re totally in it every step of the way and you know everything that’s going on.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1701

Lean wit it, rock wit it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1702

Maybe you should think about moving.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1703

Right, though?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1704

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1705

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1706

We need guns. Lots of guns.

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Though is place is about to look like that hallway after the lobby fight.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1707

Colin:

I always thought this was Priori Incantatem. When the beams from dueling wands get stuck together. The wands don’t regurgitate spells or shoot out ghosts, but why does this happen? In the book, the key characteristic of Priori Incantatem was that they beams met in the center and were locked together, which is why Harry didn’t immediately die. And that’s what’s happening here. Also, are we to believe that Voldie’s that powerful? This is Dumbledore with the motherfucking Elder Wand. 

Were we to believe Harry was that powerful last year?

Colin:

That was Priori Incantatem, though. The wands were sort of on autopilot there, so it felt like their respective power didn’t matter as much. The phenomenon of the wands joining together was the focal point. That isn’t the case this time around, so it’s down to sheer power, which — you know Dumbledore has to have him beat.

Oh, and I guess he and Harry have the same phoenix wand or whatever. I guess I can go with that. Here I’ll just go with either Dumbledore not wanting to kill Tom Riddle or Rowling not properly explaining shit again.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1708

I CAN SEE DUMBLEDORE’S ANKLE! The Gay Headmaster.

Oh, wow… that one worked a lot of ways.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1709

This looks like when you’re drunk and trying to unlock your door.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1710

WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE YOU MORON.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1711

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1712

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1713

YEAH! FUCKING ROCK AND ROLL!!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1714

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1715

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1716

Colin:

Damn, get a load of the fire snake! That’s some seventh-year shit, probably.

That’s some Jafar shit right there.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1717

Oh, wow, that face is magical.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1718

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1719

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1720

Jesus, though.

Also, what the fuck happened to everyone else? All the Death Eaters just got away somewhere else besides the floo-places? And all the Aurors and students are just… chilling in the back, not seeing any of this happen?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1721

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1722

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1723

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1724

*record scratch* “That’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up here…”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1725

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1726

Man knows his type matchups.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1727

Oh wait… wrong franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1728

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1729

Colin:

And…a sphere of water. I have to admit, that’s pretty cool. But we’re still basically at Blastoise vs. Charizard (fuck the Crips and the Bloods). OH but remember in Goblet of Fire when I noticed Dumbledore was a Crip? I’d say this proves it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1730

Oh wait… wrong franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1731

Yeah, sure, like you have anything to add here.

You’re gonna be the one who kicks the dude when he’s down after the other guy did all the work to get him there.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1732

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1733

Colin:

GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY, CHILD!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1734

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1735

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1736

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1737

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1738

Night Shade?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1739

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1740

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1741

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1742

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1743

This.

(Or maybe more this?)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1744

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1745

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1746

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1747

Lotta glass damage in this place.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1748

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1749

By now you guys should know what’s coming.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1750

This?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1751

The amount of times I’ve done it now… THIS is the actual right time to write, “OPTIMUS!”

THAT’S THE POSE!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1752

Colin:

Oh shit, Senbonzakura up in here?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1753

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1754

“Are you sure that’s Ellis Brittle?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1755

Don’t give me a second shot at it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1756

Colin:

And now Dumbledore Li Mu Bai’s it like with the darts. Or maybe it’s more like Afro Samurai.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1757

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1758

It’s that Limbo Mist.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1759

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1760

Reactions.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1761

“Bitch.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1762

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1763

And your little dog, too.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1764

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1765

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1766

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1767

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1768

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1769

“I can’t feel my legs!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1771

“Harry?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1770

“There is no Harry. There is only Zuul.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1772

Colin:

This is my dream. To find someone who believes in being possessed. And you fall to the ground and wince and when they run to you, you do an impression of someone. I’m thinking Chris Walken. 

“I’m. Okay. I’m just. A little possessed. It’s. Completely natural.”

The problem with Walken in text form is that it veers too closely to Shatner.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1773

Good luck trying to get all the sand out of your clothes. You might as well just die.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1774

OH MY GOD THIS LOOKS LIKE A MUSIC VIDEO!

SOMEBODY HAVE VOLDEMORT DO A MUSIC VIDEO.

You know what I’m talking about.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1775

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1776

These are the kind of screenshots I find and keep and when they come up, people go, “What the fuck is that from?” And only I know.

These have nothing to do with the movie. They’re purely for me.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1777

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1778

I love the idea of Voldemort in a hoodie.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1779

Seriously, just put the wand to your head and pull the trigger, Harry. That sand situation isn’t gonna get any better.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1780

“It isn’t how you are alike, it’s how you are not.”

For example, Voldemort has a way bigger dick.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1781

Right?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1782

ANOTHER ONE!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1783

Colin:

Dumbledore just looks desperate here. Like he’s about to offer Harry $50 if he’ll just snap out of it.

In Colin’s version, this is when Cho shows up and Harry gets up and rides off into the sunset with her.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1784

Oh god… that sand…

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1785

Where the fuck were all of you until now? Did the Ministry institute a Wizard’s Chess security room?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1786

Again, notice which one of them is the only one in the shot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1787

“You’re the weak one.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1788

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1789

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1790

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1791

So this is all just visual Expecto Patronum, is it not?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1792

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1793

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1794

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1795

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1796

I’ll keep going as long as you do.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1797

“And you’ll never know love. Or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1798

When did this happen? When he was stuck in Saigon?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1799

Well I have to end with this one, right?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1800

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1801

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1802

Jesus, his organs are being ripped out of his chest.

Colin:

How many things in this series are made possible by simply thinking happy thoughts? They should skip class more often to do fun stuff cause I think creating happy memories to later be used as a weapon is way more useful in this universe than learning how to transfigure a book into a vase.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1803

Not gonna lie when I say this was one of my favorite moments in the entire franchise.

Except the sand. That part sucks.

Anakin:

Tell me about it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1804

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1805

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1806

Oh, just go ahead and make sand angels now. You’re just gonna be finding that shit in your clothes for months. You’re gonna wish you had just given in and died.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1807

“You’re a fool, Harry Potter. And you will lose.”

Lose what?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1808

He’s already lost. You might as well just get a new wardrobe. That’s seriously where it’s at right now.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1809

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1810

Oops. Stayed just a little too long.

Colin:

Voldemort’s been here with them for all this time and now they’re just chatting? Why is nobody trying to cap him? He’s wildly outnumbered even at this point. It’s only when more people show up that he splits — you’re more worried about them than Dumbledore? 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1811

Damn, this office is fucked UP.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1812

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1813

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1814

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1815

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1816

“He’s back!”

Colin:

Really, Fudge? NOW you buy it? I thought the whole thing up til now was them sorta knowing Voldemort was back but just being in denial about it. He GENUINELY believed all year that it was Sirius Black and a few assholes raising hell around town? This man isn’t fit to run a Honeyduke’s franchise, let alone the wizarding community.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1817

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1818

He definitely can’t feel his legs.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1819

Great moment to take a photo.

Which one of those assholes had a camera on them?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1820

What’s more interesting to me is what’s below that headline.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1821

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1822

Well that one doesn’t even have anything to do with the rest of them.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1823

Bottom left headline. Nice.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1824

I love that it actually says “He Who Must Not Be Named.”

Colin:

Look at the headline on the left. Are these people pretending to be wizards and they got found out? It doesn’t even says “squibs” — it’s muggles. Which is hilarious, cause they probably just whittled a stick and got some robes and walked around getting into awkward situations. “Hey, my hands are full, can you open Diagon Alley for me?” “Oh…uhh…no. You can do it. That’d be better.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1825

Colin:

What all of these newspaper articles are saying is, “Next time you question Dumbledore, you better come correct. Cause he doesn’t DO ‘wrong.'” It still seems like a pretty abrupt shift, given the Ministry’s position before, and how much of a dictatorship it really is. Fudge has always been wary of Dumbledore, you’d think he’d still be looking for SOME reason to keep him down.

At this point I imagine it’s about damage control, to try to keep the job.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1826

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1827

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1828

Oh jesus, Potter, don’t go all Brokeback on me now.