Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Part V — “Try Not to Make Any Prophecies on the Way to the Parking Lot”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

We begin Part V in the Ministry of Magic.

Colin:

Wait, how did they get in? Why are there no people there? Would there normally be people here, but Voldemort capped them? 

Going by normal movie logic, there should be a Death Eater disguised as a janitor here.

Wouldn’t you pick up Fred and George for this? Or are they applying for small business loans currently?

This is weird. Is is just open like this when no one is working? Considering this is basically the White House of the wizarding world, isn’t there always SOMEONE around?

That’s a badass shot, though.

How many places have that kind of door handle?

Is it gonna turn into Jacob Marley’s face?

Guys, there must be a light switch SOMEWHERE.

Oh, that works.

Also, have they ever explained why this is important? We know nothing at this point, right? Good, we’ll wait on the discussion, since when we do find out what this is all about, it’s still fucking pointless.

Oh… he’s not there.

Harry has a small prophecy.

“This is embarrassing.”

“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. And the Dark Lord shall mark him as his equal but he shall have power the Dark Lord knows not. For neither can live while the other survives.”

This is seriously all this book is about. They’re looking for that. This is totally pointless. That tells us NOTHING that affects the outcome of the franchise.

Okay, so here’s the backstory on this: Dumbledore interviews Trelawney for the Divination job and the interview goes horribly. Dumbledore’s about to leave when suddenly she starts prophecizing out of nowhere (like she did with Harry in Azkaban). She says a more expanded version of what was said from that crystal ball, which is:

“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies… and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not… and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives… the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies….“

So the idea is that a child will be born at the end of July to parents who have defied Voldemort three times and lived. Snape hears this prophecy and, as he’s working for Voldemort at the time, runs off to tell him. Only Snape only heard the first half of the prophecy, missing the part about having power Voldemort doesn’t have. So Voldemort finds out two kids were born who meet the requirements of the prophecy — Harry and Neville. Voldemort decides it’s Harry (because Harry is a half-blood, like him). So he goes and murders James and Lily and the entire plot of the franchise is set in motion. Not to mention, once he makes this decision, Snape runs to Dumbledore because he’s in love with Lily, which is what turns Snape into a double agent.

Okay, got all that? So really all that’s happening now is Voldemort is getting the second half of the prophecy he didn’t hear the first time. Which doesn’t really tell him much of anything, since he doesn’t know what the powers Harry possesses are.

And also — how the fuck is the prophecy fully recorded, with Trelawney’s voice, as it was spoken?

Also, WHO THE FUCK ARE MAKING ALL THESE PROPHECIES? And how many of them are bullshit?

Wands Wide Shut.

That’s not Malfoy coming toward you, Harry. That’s God. (I guarantee you I will never get tired of this joke.)

“You now, you really should be able to tell the difference between dreams…”

“…and reality.”

“You do anything to us, I’ll break it.”

Oh, that laugh.

“He knows how to play.”

Colin:

Helena Bonham Carter fell down a hill. (But really, though. What amazing casting that was.)

What he’s referring to is one of my favorite tweets somebody wrote where they said their appearance that day was best described as “Helena Bonham Carter fell down a hill,” and it was perfect. You knew EXACTLY what she meant by that.

“Neville Longbottom, is it? How’s Mom and Dad?”

She’s awesome.

“Great, now they’re about to be avenged.”

Psst… behind you. Why is no one checking the six? This is why you motherfuckers need someone like me. I’d be all over that shit.

Also, Harry says Voldemort.

“You dare speak his name.”

“You filthy half-blood!”

“Prophecies can only be retrieved by those about whom they are made.”

Who made that rule?

Also, isn’t that prophecy about Voldemort too?

Colin:

First, that’s a bullshit rule. Even Trelawney couldn’t get her own prophecy back? And “retrieved” means…picked up? Listened to? Why doesn’t Voldemort just show up and listen to the thing? What year is it? 2007? That shit’s probably on Kazaa.

You know what it might actually be? It might be that if someone other than the person whom the prophecy is about tries to take it, they won’t be able to hear the actual prophecy, so they need Harry to get it so they can hear what it says so Voldemort would know better how to kill this fuck.

Colin:

Yeah, but it’s clearly about both of them — and Voldemort is there later and clearly has access. Harry only knows where the prophecy is because of the visions Voldemort showed him, so Voldie knows where it is, too. He could literally just waltz in and grab it, and since it’s about him, he should be able to listen to it.

Also, I love the idea of people having to sign for prophecies. 3-5 business days.

Admiral Ackbar:

IT’S A TRAP!

Lucius wants the prophecy.

“Your lack of compliance disturbs me.”

Colin:

Big fan of the overhead “y’all are surrounded” shot. Also happened in Moria. 

“I’ve waited fourteen years… I guess I can wait a little longer.”

Some people wait 84 years. You’re alright.

Stupefyed the FUCK out of them.

Colin:

I guess being a Death Eater just requires that you be a dick and wear black. What’s the difference between being a Death Eater and being goth or emo? Cause a bunch of kids just got the drop on you and you got messed up by some Stupefying spells. Yeah, you’re real badasses. This is the wizarding equivalent of children being held at gunpoint and escaping by throwing water balloons at the bad guys. I…cannot take you seriously, now, Death Eaters. 

Not when they’re wearing those… underwears.

“I want my two dollars!”

Colin:

See? THAT’S what Harry needs to learn. Can we finally discuss what the fuck this is? How do the Death Eaters fly around with no brooms or anything? Just flying around, turning wispy and stuff. It’s cool, but I’m really confused at what it is, how it works, and why nobody else really does it except the Order for this particular fight.

It’s Limbo Mist.

Well this… is not good.

I like her sneakers.

“Levicorpus!”

That was not Levicorpus.

This might be one of the most disturbing shots in the franchise for me.

Neville just Petrificus Totalus’d him. Oh, sweet irony.

The Bloody Baroness approves.

Colin:

See, the failure here is that these Death Eaters are letting the kids point wands at them and giving them the time to perform spells. What? Didn’t we see in dueling that you can block those? Or since we later see that the majority of them don’t require incantations for most spells, wouldn’t they just use something to stop the kids before they finished performing whatever spell they were trying? Seriously, when Neville Longbottom gets the drop on you with “Petrificus Totalus”….that’s SEVEN syllables being spoken by NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM. You honestly can’t do ANYTHING to stop him? 

All these people are flying perfectly up the aisles and disturbing none of the bull in this china shop.

Colin:

This is better. Shooting at the Death Eaters and them blocking.

“Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ?”

Why does he look like he’s flying on his side with his hand resting in a fireman calendar pose or something?

I guess nobody’s coming back for those prophecies. Hopefully none of those were about the person who was gonna cure wizard cancer or something.

I have to say, though – it’s this sequence that made this one of my favorite movies in the franchise. The whole thing is fucking pointless, but this shit looks amazing.

I really wanna know how many of these prophecies are bullshit. Trelawney’s only made two in her life. So where are all these other ones coming from? Just one guy who makes a dozen prophecies a day. “The Whole Foods is gonna be out of oat milk today.” By the law of averages someone must be making way too many prophecies.

“Try not to make any prophecies on the way to the parking lot.”

SMOKE BOMB!

OH SHIT HE JUST SHOT HIM POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!

Think about that – you’re in a car trying to get away (maybe it’s having trouble starting, as cars tend to do during shootouts). Someone is trying to run you down. You pull out a shotgun and blast them in the fucking face and drive away. How fucking awesome is that?

Yup.

“Reducto!”

So I guess that guy’s dead.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!

(Also, because you’re poor.)

Colin:

Ginny, you just broke a lot of shit and I don’t think your parents can pay for it all.

Remember when Arthur was on guard here? Are there no more guards since the attack?

Uh oh.

Again, not helping.

What the fuck is that look? “No, no, leave me… I like it.”

That’s a lot of falling glass. What happened to all those protection spells you guys learned? Hermione must know at least one barrier spell.

All those people’s prophecies…

I guess I’m not upset at this. This is basically like if you told me someone made it so horoscopes were useless. I’m more than okay with this.

If someone dies, and the prophecy was about them, can it just never be retrieved?

Also, what if a prophecy was made about something other than a human?

And what exactly dictates that a prophecy is legit? What if someone faked a prophecy and then said “Umbridge sucks owl cocks”? Does that count? Does that get its own prophecy spot in the Dewey system?

You’re also running over a lot of glass.

WHY WOULD YOU HAVE THAT DOOR?

And it closes on its own, of course.

Colin:

How convenient. A charm that stops you just before hitting the ground. Now that we know those exist, I bet they’re set up most places. Oh, no, because a lot of kids are severely injured falling to the ground from their brooms, whether during matches, or during practice like Neville. That would have been a good time for that charm. And if they aren’t casting it at the bottom of the stairs at Hogwarts, they fucking should be. Those staircases going all over the place and an unbroken fall for what looks like hundreds of feet. Consistency?

Completely unbroken.

“The voices… can you hear what they’re saying?”

“There aren’t any voices, Harry.”

Colin:

How many times has this happened? “I hear/see something.” “Harry, there’s nothing there.” By now, it’s probably best to just go with it.

“Speak friend and enter.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

This is apparently a weird portal that seemingly connects the land of the living to the land of the dead. It’s been here as long as the Ministry has (weird it would choose this spot to show up, especially since it seems to be eternal) and nobody knows how it works. As far as they can tell, anything that goes in never comes out, and they can hear the dead on the other side. Real weird and convenient to just be here and for this battle to happen here.

Also, totally unrelated, this reminds me of the short story “Window” by Bob Leman. Which is about a portal that appears out of nowhere, showing, on the other side, an idyllic 1800s Victorian house with a family living there. And then all of a sudden the military and scientists all show up and start figuring out what the hell is going on. They start shouting at the portal, but nothing gets through on either side. And they try tossing things through it, but anything that goes through is never seen again. Except, every few hours, for about ten seconds, things can get through. And there’s one person who’s been stationed outside this thing who starts idealizing things on the other side — gives the family names and imagines what their life is like. And he starts dreaming about how nice it would be to live like that. Until one day he decides he’s gonna cross over. So when the ten second window happens, he rushes through. He goes up to the house and up to the family… and then are suddenly revealed to be vicious cannibals and start eating him.

As I said, completely unrelated to the movie, but the story always stuck with me. Anyway, time for some shit to go down.

“Get behind me!”

…too easy.

Why does the score turn into “One Winged Angel” all of a sudden?

Death Eaters used Smog.

But Neville’s accuracy won’t go any lower!

How exactly does this fog shit work? Aren’t they just being annoying?

I’m glad his hair isn’t stupid anymore.

Also, just throw the prophecy through the portal. I know you want to hear it, but at this point you’re gonna get people murdered.

Too bad the wizarding world doesn’t do movies. Because she should do the Face/Off thing right now. Stab him in the leg and twist.

Christmas card.

Ha ha. It’s the guy he shot in the face.

I also think that might be Bellatrix’s brother?

Colin:

Hermione makes a good hostage. Shake a little bit, make a noise, good….good. I like it.

GREAT shot.

Wait, you can see through the portal to the other side, and yet if you cross through it you don’t come back? Way to make that even more confusing, guys.

He wants this dance.

Give him the prophecy or watch his friends die.

What’s to say they won’t murder them anyway?

Need an answer, Hank.

“$1! Bet $1!”

“Don’t give it to him, Harry!”

You think it would freak her out if he turned his head to her and said, “I’m Petrificus Totalus right now”?

“Shh!”

Colin:

Why would the Death Eaters be so civil? Neville speaks up and Lestrange just puts her wand over his neck. It’s Helena, so it’s a nice touch, but wouldn’t Bellatrix use some spell to shut him the fuck up?

I thought it would have been badass if she just went across his neck and slit his fucking throat. How awesome would THAT have been? Just slit a guy’s throat with your wand? Or just a good, solid neck snap. The acoustics are solid in this place. A perfectly timed neck snap could be like that opening piano chord of “Baba O’Riley.”

Hey, remember when they demanded to go with you? They knew the risks. Fuck ‘em.

You pussy.

Colin:

And I’m still confused at why this prophecy is so important and why Voldie can’t have it. Is it just gonna tell him what it told Harry? That one of them must die for the other to survive? So….he’ll have to kill Harry? Which….is what he’s been trying to do all along. Just give them the fucking prophecy, stop being so spiteful. For all you know, this is like Prophecy Blockbuster, where people just show up and rent them to watch. Though by the look of the damage Ginny just did in the store room, I’m betting Prophecy Blockbuster’s out of business now too. :(

Prof-flix.

Also, so only Harry could take it off the shelf but after that it can go to anyone?

I’m still confused as to how Voldemort knew exactly where it was yet couldn’t go get it himself. Is this like, as we’ll see in a (much) later franchise, Thanos, where you’re like, “Why the hell are you just sitting there and letting everyone else fuck things up for you?”

He holds things up like a dick too.

You should have stolen another one and swapped them out.

“Get away from my godson.”

Colin:

GARY! BAMF!

There’s a face.

I’m confused. Have we elected a pope or not?

Colin:

So, see what I mean? They can all do this flying thing and it’s NEVER addressed. Plus, notice how they’re all white when they fly so we don’t get confused. You might have thought the Death Eaters were black wispy things because they were wearing black, but the Order all wear dark clothing as well. Turns out if you’re a good guy, you just turn into white wispy stuff instead. Seems like a disadvantage in terms of camouflage.

Also, is the color of their wispiness determined by them as they take on that form, or is it inherent to that person, like a Patronus? If someone turned traitor, for instance, would their wispy form become black? Because the only alternative I can think of is that they all decide upon it in advance to avoid friendly fire. “Why do we have to be white EVERY time?” “Because, Kingsley, white is the color of goodness. No offense.”

Kingsley’s wisp is Jamaican colors. That’s canon.

Aww… you fucked up.

What a badass way to enter. Head down, almost kneeling, then you get up and fuck some shit up. A+ for Moody. Best entrance.

Oh, but Kingsley’s giving him a run for his money.

Lupin, I choose you!

He’s got a type advantage over Dolohov. Werewolf does x2 damage.

I hope Voldemort didn’t pack any Full Restores.

Sup, Tonks? Still like yo raincoat.

What’s that face for? No matter, because –

BAM!

They both shot that guy in the face.

Let’s all stop to realize — Snape actually did them a solid here.

This motherfucker’s dueling from the floor!

Oh, that’s badass. That’s that shortstop sidearm throw.

Why are there rocks there?

And why does Luna look like when they cut to a wide shot of a hobbit?

Also, why is Ginny taking Kingsley by the arm like they’re going to… oh.

Colin:

FUCKING SEE?

Sirius tells Harry to get out of there.

“No, I’m staying with you.”

Maybe listen to the guy you’re about to get killed.

“You’ve done beautifully. Now let me take it from here.”

Colin:

Lucius whips out the wand from his pimp cane! Yeah!

Look at that form. It’s like he’s got a six-shooter. One hand on the hammer. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.

Colin, I apologize in advance.

Colin:

Not great. But of everything in that movie, I have very little issue with it. There’s a reason for it to be there and it doesn’t use awful CGI. It’s real, unlike most of the film.

So Sirius told him to run, but everyone else is just chilling at the bottom of those rocks.

But actually, why are there rocks there? Have they explained where the fuck they even are?

Did they build their ministry at the exact site of the fucking 2001 Monolith? Because it sure seems like they did. Shouldn’t this instead be the location of this place?

Colin:

Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect har-mon-y!

Shiho would agree with me that you can’t hear that song and not think of this. (I know that might be a weird reference for someone so… tall.)

I like how during this they randomly cut to Beatrix cackling. The woman creates characterization by just a laugh.

Colin:

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MOODY’S STICK? Remember how there was a simple tapping code for exposing Grimmauld Place, and another for summoning a certain number of brooms, and now one tap fucks up a Death Eater. How does this all work? I thought he had a wand.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS… my class.

“Expelliarmus!”

How come the rest of them aren’t dueling? The adults said don’t, but you all demanded to come so Harry didn’t get killed. So maybe help him out.

Man, what if that actually took off one of his arms? Do you think everyone would stop fighting and have a good laugh?

“Nice one, James!”

Colin:

So…awkward.

I think it’s endearing here. If Ginny did it during sex… yeah, then it’s awkward.

I like how they drop the sound out here. Though for some reason all the spells sound like those little snap pop fireworks you have to use as a kid.

Clean shot. In and out.

Kill shot.

Oh wow.

FINISH HIM!

K-O!

“Avada Kedavra!”

You can start a spell while mid-wisp?

BEST REACTION SHOT EVER.

I don’t care what you say to me from here on out, or whatever we find from here on out, there is nothing that will top this face in the history of movies. Ever.

Oh, but yeah, he’s dead now.

“Fuck.”

Colin:

Suddenly we’re using Avada Kedavra? Where the fuck did THAT come from? Thanks, JK Rowling, for robbing us of one of the most badass characters in the whole fucking franchise and the best actor in the franchise. Not that she knew about that when she wrote it, but still. Doesn’t this feel like her making Harry a martyr with the pen torture? It’s an arbitrary event except for the aspect that’s purely Rowling saying, “Fuck yo happiness, Harry.” There were no other killing spells going around, and this one happened to hit OG Oldman at the ONE moment he wasn’t ready for it. 

So, now’s a good time to point out — in the book, she doesn’t cast the killing curse on him. She just casts a spell that stuns him and makes him go through the portal. He dies because he falls through the portal and not because she actively murders him. It’s even more sad in the book because Harry keeps thinking he’s going to come back through… only to realize he isn’t.

But what the movie does is basically clean up all the weird logic stuff Rowling put that makes absolutely no sense and definitively just says, “Yeah, she kills him.” Which, at that point, why bother having the portal at all?

Also, the idea that she just stunned him and sent him to the portal whereupon he died — that makes the next scene where she’s skipping and laughing about how she killed him land even harder than it does here. Just saying.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

The portal is never once explained in the movie, and it’s ridiculous that it’s even here.

My big problem with this is that in the book, this was a big deal. The two deaths that actually made me go, “Oh fuck, this is sad,” in the books were Sirius and Dobby. And they kind of got Dobby right in the film (kind of… we’ll see when we actually get to it), but here, I was so upset at how they did this. This was a real fucked up moment in the book, largely because Harry kept holding out hope it was gonna be okay (as was I), and then you get that awful realization that no, he’s gone.

Sirius ACTUALLY was my favorite character. (And then, just to bring it up, since the movies don’t – after Rowling killed Sirius, I switched my allegiance over to Lupin as a favorite — and then Rowling turned him into a whining coward in the last book just to fuck with me.) I get why Sirius’ death happens, but I wish they’d have done it better.

Oh, actually, THIS is the moment for this link.

Colin:

Lupin’s even got the same sort of face. Like a refried Sean Bean.

I’ll give it to Radcliffe, though. He understands the moment.

Wow, he’s actually making this better for me, since this is how he’s supposed to be reacting.

Colin:

As if to prove my point, as Harry’s wailing and Lupin’s holding him, Bellatrix is just fucking watching them. She could cap both of them right now, or at least Lupin if we assume she has to save Harry for Voldie to kill. Oldman’s death only makes sense in the context of other, similar attacks. I want to make it abundantly clear to everyone reading this: Bellatrix Lestrange did not kill Sirius Black. JK Rowling did. And fuck her for that.

Love that smile. “I did that shit.”

I also LOVE this moment. Because he’s fucking ready to kill.

That face says a lot.

I also LOVE how Bellatrix is basically skipping up the hall, chanting, “I killed Sirius Black, na na na na na na!” This has to be considered #1 perfect casting for the entire franchise. In terms of a bigger part for an established actor – hell, even overall – I don’t think there’s anything that beats this.

But actually.

“Crucio!”

I love how over the course of the books, they make Harry perform two of the three Unforgivable Curses. The movies do it too, but they don’t make a big a deal about it, which is stupid.

Also, now that I think about it, both uses of Unforgivable curses by Harry involve, in some way, Bellatrix.

So I guess that one-way ticket to Azkaban got lost in the mail…

This is kind of cool. What I like about this is that – you know she’s not afraid to die, and yet, there’s that childlike thing she has that makes it work.

“You’ve got to mean it, Harry.”

This is so good.

“She killed him. She deserves it.”

“You know the spell, Harry.”

“Do it!”

This is pretty awesome, that he does this.

Colin:

This is some straight up Star Wars shit. Give in to your hate. I know I’d be screwed for this sort of ‘test’. Couldn’t throw away the lightsaber like Luke. Couldn’t stop myself from messing up Bellatrix like this. I’d hear that voice in my head go, “C’mon…you know the spell…” and be like, “As a matter of fact, I do. DEAD!” The problem is that spells are too instantaneous, and even the ones that cause lasting pain don’t continue shooting a beam from your wand. I want to see that person getting messed up by ME. Continuous flow. Drip drip drip. But with pain.

Subtitle.

GET THAT WEAK ASS EXPELLIARMUS SHIT OUT OF MY FACE.

“So… weak.”

Right???

I arrive out of floo fire, motherfucker.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

“It was foolish of you to come here tonight, Tom.”

“The Aurors are on their way.”

“By which time I shall be gone, and you …”

“Shall be dead.”

That pause was pretty badass.

Colin:

That little pause where he said, “And you — shall be dead” — that was SUPER gay.

I love these articles.

That was either super badass or super gay. Honestly, I’m fine with it being both.

Bellatrix:

SKIRT!

I like how rounded this place is. You don’t really see it except for here.

Oh it’s fucking ON!

Of course Dumbledore’s got a pink stream. Of course he does.

This was such a gigantic scene in the books. I remember reading this for the first time wondering what was gonna happen.

What a weird choice of framing, but okay.

One of the best conceived shots in the entire franchise. I loved that.

I also love how you HEAR the electricity coming from these wands. That’s top notch sound design.

This is also one of those duels where you’re totally in it every step of the way and you know everything that’s going on.

Lean wit it, rock wit it.

Maybe you should think about moving.

Right, though?

We need guns. Lots of guns.

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Though is place is about to look like that hallway after the lobby fight.

Colin:

I always thought this was Priori Incantatem. When the beams from dueling wands get stuck together. The wands don’t regurgitate spells or shoot out ghosts, but why does this happen? In the book, the key characteristic of Priori Incantatem was that they beams met in the center and were locked together, which is why Harry didn’t immediately die. And that’s what’s happening here. Also, are we to believe that Voldie’s that powerful? This is Dumbledore with the motherfucking Elder Wand. 

Were we to believe Harry was that powerful last year?

Colin:

That was Priori Incantatem, though. The wands were sort of on autopilot there, so it felt like their respective power didn’t matter as much. The phenomenon of the wands joining together was the focal point. That isn’t the case this time around, so it’s down to sheer power, which — you know Dumbledore has to have him beat.

Oh, and I guess he and Harry have the same phoenix wand or whatever. I guess I can go with that. Here I’ll just go with either Dumbledore not wanting to kill Tom Riddle or Rowling not properly explaining shit again.

I CAN SEE DUMBLEDORE’S ANKLE! The Gay Headmaster.

Oh, wow… that one worked a lot of ways.

YEAH! FUCKING ROCK AND ROLL!!

Colin:

Damn, get a load of the fire snake! That’s some seventh-year shit, probably.

That’s some Jafar shit right there.

Oh, wow, that face is magical.

Jesus, though.

Also, what the fuck happened to everyone else? All the Death Eaters just got away somewhere else besides the floo-places? And all the Aurors and students are just… chilling in the back, not seeing any of this happen?

*record scratch* “That’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up here…”

Man does know his type matchups.

Oh wait… wrong franchise.

Colin:

And…a sphere of water. I have to admit, that’s pretty cool. But we’re still basically at Blastoise vs. Charizard (fuck the Crips and the Bloods). OH but remember in Goblet of Fire when I noticed Dumbledore was a Crip? I’d say this proves it.

Oh wait… wrong franchise.

Colin:

GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY, CHILD!

Night Shade?

This.

(Or maybe more this?)

By now you guys should know what’s coming.

This?

The amount of times I’ve done it now… THIS is the actual right time to write, “OPTIMUS!”

THAT’S THE POSE!

Colin:

Oh shit, Senbonzakura up in here?

Don’t give me a second shot at it.

Colin:

And now Dumbledore Li Mu Bai’s it like with the darts. Or maybe it’s more like Afro Samurai.

It’s that Limbo Mist.

Reactions.

“Bitch.”

And your little dog, too.

“I can’t feel my legs!”

“Harry?”

“There is no Harry. There is only Zuul.”

Colin:

This is my dream. To find someone who believes in being possessed. And you fall to the ground and wince and when they run to you, you do an impression of someone. I’m thinking Chris Walken. 

“I’m. Okay. I’m just. A little possessed. It’s. Completely natural.”

The problem with Walken in text form is that it veers too closely to Shatner.

Good luck trying to get all the sand out of your clothes. You might as well just die.

OH MY GOD THIS LOOKS LIKE A MUSIC VIDEO!

SOMEBODY HAVE VOLDEMORT DO A MUSIC VIDEO.

You know what I’m talking about.

These are the kind of screenshots I find and keep and when they come up, people go, “What the fuck is that from?” And only I know.

These have nothing to do with the movie. They’re purely for me.

I love the idea of Voldemort in a hoodie.

Seriously, just put the wand to your head and pull the trigger, Harry. That sand situation isn’t gonna get any better.

“It isn’t how you are alike, it’s how you are not.”

Right?

ANOTHER ONE!

Colin:

Dumbledore just looks desperate here. Like he’s about to offer Harry $50 if he’ll just snap out of it.

In Colin’s version, this is when Cho shows up and Harry gets up and rides off into the sunset with her.

Oh god… that sand…

Where the fuck were all of you until now? Did the Ministry institute a Wizard’s Chess security room?

Again, notice which one of them is the only one in the shot.

“You’re the weak one.”

So this is all just visual Expecto Patronum, is it not?

I’ll keep going as long as you do.

“And you’ll never know love. Or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.”

When did this happen? When he was stuck in Saigon?

Well I have to end with this one, right?

Jesus, his organs are being ripped out of his chest.

Colin:

How many things in this series are made possible by simply thinking happy thoughts? They should skip class more often to do fun stuff cause I think creating happy memories to later be used as a weapon is way more useful in this universe than learning how to transfigure a book into a vase.

Not gonna lie when I say this was one of my favorite moments in the entire franchise.

Oh, just go ahead and make sand angels now. You’re just gonna be finding that shit in your clothes for months. You’re gonna wish you had just given in and died.

“You’re a fool, Harry Potter. And you will lose.”

Lose what?

He’s already lost. You might as well just get a new wardrobe. That’s seriously where it’s at right now.

Oops. Stayed just a little too long.

Colin:

Voldemort’s been here with them for all this time and now they’re just chatting? Why is nobody trying to cap him? He’s wildly outnumbered even at this point. It’s only when more people show up that he splits — you’re more worried about them than Dumbledore? 

Damn, this office is fucked UP.

“He’s back!”

Colin:

Really, Fudge? NOW you buy it? I thought the whole thing up til now was them sorta knowing Voldemort was back but just being in denial about it. He GENUINELY believed all year that it was Sirius Black and a few assholes raising hell around town? This man isn’t fit to run a Honeyduke’s franchise, let alone the wizarding community.

He definitely can’t feel his legs.

Great moment to take a photo.

What’s more interesting to me is what’s below that headline.

Well that one doesn’t even have anything to do with the rest of them.

Bottom left headline. Nice.

I love that it actually says “He Who Must Not Be Named.”

Colin:

Look at the headline on the left. Are these people pretending to be wizards and they got found out? It doesn’t even says “squibs” — it’s muggles. Which is hilarious, cause they probably just whittled a stick and got some robes and walked around getting into awkward situations. “Hey, my hands are full, can you open Diagon Alley for me?” “Oh…uhh…no. You can do it. That’d be better.”

Colin:

What all of these newspaper articles are saying is, “Next time you question Dumbledore, you better come correct. Cause he doesn’t DO ‘wrong.'” It still seems like a pretty abrupt shift, given the Ministry’s position before, and how much of a dictatorship it really is. Fudge has always been wary of Dumbledore, you’d think he’d still be looking for SOME reason to keep him down.

Oh jesus, Potter, don’t go all Brokeback on me now.

“I know how you feel, Harry.”

“No, you don’t.”

Colin:

Long, awkward silence after that little exchange. “I know how you feel, Harry.” “No you don’t.” “Well, all right. Asshole.”

“It’s my fault.”

“No, the fault is mine. I knew it was only a matter of time before Voldemort made the connection between you. I thought by distancing myself from you, as I have done all year, he’d be less tempted, and therefore you might be more protected.”

Why would that be the case? Also, you completely left out the horcruxes.

Colin:

We’ve reached that point in the franchise when school means nothing. Harry doesn’t even finish school. He’s a drop out. And I’d be willing to bet that his grades for the past two or three years have been middling at best. Which means that not only are primary and tertiary education basically non-existent in this universe, it means that their “secondary” schooling doesn’t really hold that much sway either. Doesn’t say anything in the epilogue about Harry or Ron going back to Hogwarts to do their seventh year, nor does it say anything about them getting the wizarding equivalent of a GED. (I’ll leave it to you to decide what acronym that would be.)

So, while we can assume that Harry went to muggle school until going to Hogwarts, this does mean that Ron has about 5 years of formal education for his entire life. Think about that.

Harry’s the Ulysses S. Grant of the wizarding world. He gets by on experience and not by political prowess.

But actually that is a good point. What kind of school do wizards go to until they go to Hogwarts? They must be home-schooled or something.

Unless there are just wizard elementary schools until Hogwarts. They’re just straight education based, and Hogwarts is magic based. Which, either way, pretty much implies that their actual education stops after the age of 11. Which… I can buy that. Since I’m not sure how much I actually learned after elementary school. I’ve forgotten most of the math already. The French and Latin are mostly gone outside of some crossword clues. The history only stuck because I was interested in it and actively remembered it. English is a bullshit subject all around (said the guy who half-majored in it). I can buy the lack of education after elementary school. Who really needs it within the community anyway?

Colin:

I guess what I was getting at is how they have no formal schooling, but are then expected to hold down real jobs, that I assume would require real-world skills. I learned new words after elementary school, I was a shitty writer until high school or college, and your general world knowledge is severely limited unless (and sometimes even if) you finish secondary school.

These kids are supposed to write long essays, but it’s just assumed they know grammar and how to write an effective essay. I bet Professor Binns gets a lot of essays like, “The Goblin Rebellion of 1612: There were goblins. Some wizards were mean to them. Goblins want a right to use wands like people but they aren’t people. They got mad and attacked. Rebellion means to attack when you’re angry. The End.”

“Last year I took a class on goblins and it was very interesting and I learned a lot about goblins and I think it was very important to learn about other cultures and other people who are very different from us and I would recommend that everyone take a class on goblins because history is very important.”

Only Colin knows the proper voice in which to read that.

“’Neither one can live while the other survives’. Oh you didn’t think I knew about that, did you?”

Reaction shots.

“It means one of us is gonna have to kill the other, in the end.”

Well no fucking shit.

Colin:

Rowling is one fallacy-making woman. Just because “neither can survive while the other lives” doesn’t mean one of them will have to kill the other. Harry could get hit by the Knight Bus tomorrow, and Voldemort would be cool for the rest of eternity. On the other hand, Voldemort could go down on Bellatrix and end up with The Monster for all we know.

First part – not necessarily, second part – fair enough. Harry’s pretty much protected by that Horcrux thing, isn’t he? Doesn’t he actually get the benefit of You Only Live Twice? Because even if his body gets fucking mangled by a bus, the horcrux dies before he does, so technically he can still survive that. It’s like the Fight Club ending where he shoots himself in the face and somehow lives. Fuck your shit up, but the horcrux goes first. (Ha ha. Tyler Durden was a horcrux. Find me someone else who made THAT connection!)

But the AIDS thing is totally plausible.

Colin:

At any rate, there’s nothing that says one must kill the other, so she should have made that explicit if that’s what she wants us thinking. As of now, all that’s required is that one of them cashes in his chips. As Doggystyle tells us, “Six million ways to die. Choose one.”

Sirius does it Doggystyle.

D