Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Part V — “Drip Drip Drip. But With Pain.”
Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Part V.
In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.
And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.
And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
We begin Part V in the Ministry of Magic.
Colin:
Wait, how did they get in? Why are there no people there? Would there normally be people here, but Voldemort capped them?
Wouldn’t you pick up Fred and George for this? Or are they applying for small business loans and shit?
This is weird. Is is just open like this when no one is working? Considering this is basically the White House of the wizarding world, isn’t there always SOMEONE around?
That’s a badass shot, though.
How many places have that kind of door handle?
Guys, there must be a light switch SOMEWHERE.
Oh, that works.
Also, have they ever explained why this is important? We know nothing at this point, right? Good, we’ll wait on the discussion, since when we do find out what this is all about, it’s still fucking pointless.
Oh… he’s not there.
Harry has a small prophecy.
“This is embarrassing.”
“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. And the Dark Lord shall mark him as his equal but he shall have power the Dark Lord knows not. For neither can live while the other survives.”
This is seriously all this book is about? They’re looking for that? This is totally pointless. That tells us NOTHING that affects the outcome of the franchise.
Wands Wide Shut.
That’s not Malfoy coming toward you, Harry. That’s God.
(I guarantee you I will never get tired of this joke.)
“You now, you really should be able to tell the difference between dreams…”
“…and reality.”
“You do anything to us, I’ll break it.”
Oh, that laugh.
“He knows how to play.”
Colin:
Helena Bonham Carter fell down a hill. (But really, though. What amazing casting that was.)
What he’s referring to is one of my favorite tweets somebody wrote where they said their appearance that day was best described as “Helena Bonham Carter fell down a hill,” and it was perfect. You knew EXACTLY what she meant by that.
“Neville Longbottom, is it? How’s Mom and Dad?”
She’s awesome.
Psst… behind you. Why is no one checking the six? This is why you motherfuckers need someone like me. I’d be all over that shit.
Also, Harry says Voldemort.
“You dare speak his name.”
“You filthy half-blood!”
“Prophecies can only be retrieved by those about whom they are made.”
Who made that rule?
Also, isn’t that prophecy about Voldemort too?
Colin:
First, that’s a bullshit rule. Even Trelawney couldn’t get her own prophecy back? And “retrieved” means…picked up? Listened to? Why doesn’t Voldemort just show up and listen to the thing? What year is it? 2007? That shit’s probably on Kazaa.
You know what it might actually be? It might be that if someone other than the person whom the prophecy is about tries to take it, they won’t be able to hear the actual prophecy, so they need Harry to get it so they can hear what it says so Voldemort would know better how to kill this fuck. Maybe they just did a horrible job of explaining it.
Colin:
Yeah, but it’s clearly about both of them — and Voldemort is there later and clearly has access. Harry only knows where the prophecy is because of the visions Voldemort showed him, so Voldie knows where it is, too. He could literally just waltz in and grab it, and since it’s about him, he should be able to listen to it.
Also, I love the idea of people having to sign for prophecies. 3-5 business days.
Admiral Ackbar:
IT’S A TRAP!
Lucius wants the prophecy.
“Your lack of compliance disturbs me.”
Colin:
Big fan of the overhead “y’all are surrounded” shot. Also happened in Moria.
“I’ve waited fourteen years… I guess I can wait a little longer.”
Stupefyed the FUCK out of them.
Colin:
I guess being a Death Eater just requires that you be a dick and wear black. What’s the difference between being a Death Eater and being goth or emo? Cause a bunch of kids just got the drop on you and you got messed up by some Stupefying spells. Yeah, you’re real badasses. This is the wizarding equivalent of children being held at gunpoint and escaping by throwing water balloons at the bad guys. I…cannot take you seriously, now, Death Eaters.
Not when they’re wearing those… underwears.
“I want my two dollars!”
Colin:
See? THAT’S what Harry needs to learn. Can we finally discuss what the fuck this is? How do the Death Eaters fly around with no brooms or anything? Just flying around, turning wispy and stuff. It’s cool, but I’m really confused at what it is, how it works, and why nobody else really does it except the Order for this particular fight.
It’s Limbo Mist.
Kumbaya…
Oh, no, Dakota.
(One person thought that was uncalled for.)
“Levicorpus!”
That was not Levicorpus.
This might be one of the most disturbing shots in the franchise for me.
Neville just Petrificus Totalus’d him. Oh, sweet irony.
The Bloody Baroness approves.
Colin:
See, the failure here is that these Death Eaters are letting the kids point wands at them and giving them the time to perform spells. What? Didn’t we see in dueling that you can block those? Or since we later see that the majority of them don’t require incantations for most spells, wouldn’t they just use something to stop the kids before they finished performing whatever spell they were trying? Seriously, when Neville Longbottom gets the drop on you with “Petrificus Totalus”….that’s SEVEN syllables being spoken by NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM. You honestly can’t do ANYTHING to stop him?
Colin:
This is better. Shooting at the Death Eaters and them blocking.
“Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ?”
Why does he look like he’s flying on his side with his hand resting in a fireman calendar pose or something?
I guess nobody’s coming back for those prophecies. Hopefully none of those were about the person who was gonna cure wizard cancer or something.
I have to say, though – it’s this sequence that made this one of my favorite movies in the franchise. The whole thing is fucking pointless, but this shit looks amazing.
SMOKE BOMB!
OH SHIT HE JUST SHOT HIM POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!
Think about that – you’re in a car trying to get away (maybe it’s having trouble starting, as cars tend to do during shootouts). Someone is trying to run you down. You pull out a shotgun and blast them in the fucking face and drive away. How fucking awesome is that?
Yup.
“Reducto!”
Colin:
Ginny, you just broke a lot of shit and I don’t think your parents can pay for it all.
That’s why he bangs her.
Again, not helping.
What the fuck is that look? “No, no, leave me… I like it.”
All those people’s prophecies…
THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!
(Also, because you’re poor.)
You’re also running over a lot of glass. I’m sure your feet got out of there unscathed.
WHY WOULD YOU HAVE THAT DOOR?
And it closes on its own, of course.
Colin:
How convenient. A charm that stops you just before hitting the ground. Now that we know those exist, I bet they’re set up most places. Oh, no, because a lot of kids are severely injured falling to the ground from their brooms, whether during matches, or during practice like Neville. That would have been a good time for that charm. And if they aren’t casting it at the bottom of the stairs at Hogwarts, they fucking should be. Those staircases going all over the place and an unbroken fall for what looks like hundreds of feet. Consistency?
Completely unbroken.
“The voices… can you hear what they’re saying?”
“There aren’t any voices, Harry.”
Colin:
How many times has this happened? “I hear/see something.” “Harry, there’s nothing there.” By now, it’s probably best to just go with it.
“Speak friend and enter.”
Oh, wait… wrong franchise.
“Get behind me!”
…too easy.
Why does the score turn into Sephiroth all of a sudden?
Death Eaters used Smog.
But Neville’s accuracy won’t go any lower!
How exactly does this fog shit work? Aren’t they just being annoying, mostly?
I’m glad his hair isn’t stupid anymore.
Christmas card.
Ha ha. It’s the guy he shot in the face.
Colin:
Hermione makes a good hostage. Shake a little bit, make a noise, good….good. I like it.
The noise she makes is the Japanese chick sex/rape noise. That says a lot.
Colin:
About her, or about me?
Yes.
GREAT shot.
He wants this dance.
Give him the prophecy or watch his friends die.
Need an answer, Hank.
“$1! Bet $1!”
The left one’s bigger, right?
Colin:
My thoughts exactly. Could be the angle, though.
“Don’t give it to him, Harry!”
Colin:
The left one’s bigger, right?
You think it would freak her out if he turned his head to her and said, “I’m Petrificus Totalus right now”?
“Shh!”
Colin:
Why would the Death Eaters be so civil? Neville speaks up and Lestrange just puts her wand over his neck. It’s Helena, so it’s a nice touch, but wouldn’t Bellatrix use some spell to shut him the fuck up?
I thought it would have been badass if she just went across his neck and slit his fucking throat. How awesome would THAT have been? Just slit a guy’s throat with your wand? Or just a good, solid neck snap. The acoustics are solid in this place. A perfectly timed neck snap could be like that opening piano chord of “Baba O’Riley.”
Hey, remember when they demanded to go with you? They knew the risks. Fuck ‘em.
You pussy.
Colin:
And I’m still confused at why this prophecy is so important and why Voldie can’t have it. Is it just gonna tell him what it told Harry? That one of them must die for the other to survive? So….he’ll have to kill Harry? Which….is what he’s been trying to do all along. Just give them the fucking prophecy, stop being so spiteful. For all you know, this is like Prophecy Blockbuster, where people just show up and rent them to watch. Though by the look of the damage Ginny just did in the store room, I’m betting Prophecy Blockbuster’s out of business now too. :(
Prof-flix.
He holds things up like a dick too.
“Get away from my godson.”
Colin:
GARY! BAMF!
“God-DAMN! I wanna get fucked!”
I’m confused. Have we elected a pope or not?
Colin:
So, see what I mean? They can all do this flying thing and it’s NEVER addressed. Plus, notice how they’re all white when they fly so we don’t get confused. You might have thought the Death Eaters were black wispy things because they were wearing black, but the Order all wear dark clothing as well. Turns out if you’re a good guy, you just turn into white wispy stuff instead. Seems like a disadvantage in terms of camouflage. Also, is the color of their wispiness determined by them as they take on that form, or is it inherent to that person, like a Patronus? If someone turned traitor, for instance, would their wispy form become black? Because the only alternative I can think of is that they all decide upon it in advance to avoid friendly fire. “Why do we have to be white EVERY time?” “Because, Kingsley, white is the color of goodness. No offense.”
Kingsley’s wisp is Jamaican colors.
Aww… you fucked up.
What a badass way to enter. Head down, almost kneeling, then you get up and fuck some shit up. A+ for Moody. Best entrance.
Oh, but Kingsley’s giving him a run for his money.
Lupin, I choose you!
He’s got a type advantage over Dolohov. Werewolf does x2 damage.
I hope Voldemort didn’t pack any Full Restores.
Sup, baby? I like-a yo boobies.
What’s that face for? No matter, because –
BAM!
They both shot that guy in the face.
This motherfucker’s dueling from the floor!
Oh, that’s badass. That’s that shortstop sidearm throw.
Why are there rocks there?
And why does Luna look like when they cut to a wide shot of a hobbit?
Also, why is Ginny taking Kingsley by the arm like they’re going to…
Oh.
Colin:
FUCKING SEE?
Sirius tells Harry to get out of there.
“No, I’m staying with you.”
Whiny little bitch.
“You’ve done beautifully. Now let me take it from here.”
Colin:
Lucius whips out the wand from his pimp cane! Yeah!
Look at that form. It’s like he’s got a six-shooter. One hand on the hammer. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.
Colin, I apologize in advance.
Colin:
Not great. But of everything in that movie, I have very little issue with it. There’s a reason for it to be there and it doesn’t use awful CGI. It’s real, unlike most of the film.
Parasailing.
But actually, why are there rocks there? Have they explained where the fuck they even are?
Colin:
Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect har-mon-y!
Because Shiho would agree with me that you can’t hear that song and not think of this.
It’s shit like this that makes me think I might not actually be so… tall.
I like how during this they randomly cut to Beatrix cackling. The woman creates characterization by just a laugh.
Colin:
WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MOODY’S STICK? Remember how there was a simple tapping code for exposing Grimmauld Place, and another for summoning a certain number of brooms, and now one tap fucks up a Death Eater. How does this all work? I thought he had a wand.
YOU SHALL NOT PASS… my class.
“Expelliarmus!”
Man, what if that actually took off one of his arms. Do you think everyone would stop fighting and have a good laugh.
“Nice one, James!”
Colin:
So…awkward.
I think it’s endearing here. If Ginny did it during sex… yeah, then it’s awkward.
I like how they drop the sound out here. Though for some reason all the spells sound like those little snap pop fireworks you have to use as a kid.
Clean shot. In and out.
Kill shot.
Oh wow.
FINISH HIM!
K-O!
“Avada Kedavra!”
Tits.
(Also, you can start a spell while mid-wisp?)
BEST REACTION SHOT EVER.
I don’t care what you say to me from here on out, or whatever we find from here on out, there is nothing that will top this face in the history of movies. Ever.
Oh, but yeah, he’s dead now.
“Fuck.”
Wow, like, mega tits.
Colin:
Like that show Swat Tits about two tits that fly around in a junkyard plane called the TurboTit and save MegaTit City from bad guys?
Yeah, I just combined tits with Swat Kats. Result: AWESOME.
Colin:
Suddenly we’re using Avada Kedavra? Where the fuck did THAT come from? Thanks, JK Rowling, for robbing us of one of the most badass characters in the whole fucking franchise and the best actor in the franchise. Not that she knew about that when she wrote it, but still. Doesn’t this feel like her making Harry a martyr with the pen torture? It’s an arbitrary event except for the aspect that’s purely Rowling saying, “Fuck yo happiness, Harry.” There were no other killing spells going around, and this one happened to hit OG Oldman at the ONE moment he wasn’t ready for it.
My big problem with this is that in the book, this was a big deal. The two deaths that actually made me go, “Oh fuck, this is sad,” in the books were Sirius and Dobby. And they kind of got Dobby right in the film (kind of… we’ll see when we actually get to it), but here, I was so upset at how they did this. This was a real fucked up moment in the book. Because he ACTUALLY was my favorite character. (And then, just to bring it up, since the movies don’t – after she killed Sirius, I switched my allegiance over to Lupin — no idea why, I just sort of did — and then Rowling turned him into a little bitch in the 7th book just to fuck with me.) I get why it happens, but I wish they’d have done it better.
Oh, actually, THIS is the moment for this link.
Colin:
Lupin’s even got the same sort of face. Like a refried Sean Bean.
I’ll give it to Radcliffe, though. He understands the moment.
Wow, he’s actually making this better for me, since this is how he’s supposed to be reacting.
Colin:
As if to prove my point, as Harry’s wailing and Lupin’s holding him, Bellatrix is just fucking watching them. She could cap both of them right now, or at least Lupin if we assume she has to save Harry for Voldie to kill. Oldman’s death only makes sense in the context of other, similar attacks. I want to make it abundantly clear to everyone reading this: Bellatrix Lestrange did not kill Sirius Black. JK Rowling did. And fuck her for that.
I also LOVE this moment. Because he’s fucking ready to kill.
That face says a lot.
I also LOVE how Bellatrix is basically skipping up the hall, chanting, “I killed Sirius Black, na na na na na na!” This has to be considered #1 perfect casting for the entire franchise. In terms of a bigger part for an established actor – hell, even overall – I don’t think there’s anything that beats this.
Crucio! (I also love how over the course of the books, they make Harry perform two of the three Unforgivable Curses. The movies do it too, but they don’t make a big a deal about it, which is stupid.)
So I guess that one-way ticket to Azkaban got lost in the mail…
This is kind of cool. What I like about this is that – you know she’s not afraid to die, and yet, there’s that childlike thing she has that makes it work.
“You’ve got to mean it, Harry.”
“She killed him. She deserves it.”
“You know the spell, Harry.”
“Do it!”
This is pretty awesome, that he does this.
Colin:
This is some straight up Star Wars shit. Give in to your hate. I know I’d be screwed for this sort of ‘test’. Couldn’t throw away the lightsaber like Luke. Couldn’t stop myself from messing up Bellatrix like this. I’d hear that voice in my head go, “C’mon…you know the spell…” and be like, “As a matter of fact, I do. DEAD!” The problem is that spells are too instantaneous, and even the ones that cause lasting pain don’t continue shooting a beam from your wand. I want to see that person getting messed up by ME. Continuous flow. Drip drip drip. But with pain.
“Drip drip drip. But with pain.” Subtitle.
“So… weak.”
“It was foolish of you to come here tonight, Tom.”
“The Aurors are on their way.”
“By which time I shall be gone, and you …”
“Shall be dead.”
That pause was pretty badass.
Colin:
That little pause where he said, “And you — shall be dead” — that was SUPER gay.
I love these articles.
That was either super badass or super gay.
Bellatrix:
SKEET!
Oh it’s fucking ON!
(Of course Dumbledore’s got a pink stream. Of course he does.)
One of the best conceived shots in the entire franchise. This was BRILLIANT.
I also love how you HEAR the electricity coming from these wands. The sound design here should have gotten an Oscar nomination.
This is also one of those duels where you’re totally in it every step of the way and you know everything that’s going on.
Lean wit it, rock wit it.
Maybe you should think about moving.
Right, though?
We need guns. Lots of guns.
Oh, wait… wrong franchise.
Colin:
I always thought this was Priori Incantatem. When the beams from dueling wands get stuck together. The wands don’t regurgitate spells or shoot out ghosts, but why does this happen? In the book, the key characteristic of Priori Incantatem was that they beams met in the center and were locked together, which is why Harry didn’t immediately die. And that’s what’s happening here. Also, are we to believe that Voldie’s that powerful? This is Dumbledore with the motherfucking Elder Wand.
Were we to believe Harry was that powerful last year?
Colin:
That was Priori Incantatem, though. The wands were sort of on autopilot there, so it felt like their respective power didn’t matter as much. The phenomenon of the wands joining together was the focal point. That isn’t the case this time around, so it’s down to sheer power, which — you know Dumbledore has to have him beat.
I CAN SEE DUMBLEDORE’S ANKLE!
The Gay Headmaster.
Oh, wow… that one worked a lot of ways.
YEAH! FUCKING ROCK AND ROLL!!
Colin:
Damn, get a load of the fire snake! That’s some seventh-year shit, probably.
That’s some Jafar shit right there.
(Also
Oh, wow, that face is magical.
Man does know his type matchups.
Colin:
And…a sphere of water. I have to admit, that’s pretty cool. But we’re still basically at Blastoise vs. Charizard (fuck the Crips and the Bloods). OH but remember in Goblet of Fire when I noticed Dumbledore was a Crip? I’d say this proves it.
Colin:
GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY, CHILD!
Night Shade?
This.
(Or maybe more this?)
By now you guys should know what’s coming.
This?
The amount of times I’ve done it now… THIS is the actual right time to write, “OPTIMUS!”
THAT’S THE POSE!
Colin:
Oh shit, Senbonzakura up in here?
Don’t give me a second shot at it.
Colin:
And now Dumbledore Li Mu Bai’s it like with the darts. Or maybe it’s more like Afro Samurai.
It’s that Limbo Mist.
Reactions.
“Bitch.”
And your little dog, too.
“I can’t feel my legs!”
“Harry?”
“There is no Harry. There is only Zuul.”
Colin:
This is my dream. To find someone who believes in being possessed. And you fall to the ground and wince and when they run to you, you do an impression of someone. I’m thinking Chris Walken.
I’m. Okay. I’m just. A little possessed. It’s. Completely natural.
The problem with Walken in text form is that it veers too closely to Shatner.
Good luck trying to get all the sand out of your clothes. You might as well just die.
OH MY GOD THIS LOOKS LIKE A MUSIC VIDEO!
SOMEBODY HAVE VOLDEMORT DO A MUSIC VIDEO.
You know what I’m talking about.
These are the kind of screenshots I find and keep and when they come up on my desktop, people go, “What the fuck is that from?” And only I know.
These have nothing to do with the movie. They’re purely for me.
Seriously, just put the wand to your head and pull the trigger, Harry. That sand situation isn’t gonna get any better.
“It isn’t how you are alike, it’s how you are not.”
Colin:
Dumbledore just looks desperate here. Like he’s about to offer Harry $50 if he’ll just snap out of it.
Just sprinkle some crack on him, he’ll get right up.
Oh god… that sand…
Where the fuck were all of you?
Again, notice which one of them is the only one in the shot.
“You’re the weak one.”
I’ll keep going as long as you do.
“And you’ll never know love. Or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.”
When did this happen?
Well I have to end with this one, right?
Colin:
See, you say that, but…
I ultimately left that link in because it does work, but I feel like I should say — I don’t condone anything that prick does. Just wanna throw that out there. Fuck him.
One of the few times I’ll take a stand against anything.
(Said FDR.)
Jesus, his organs are being ripped out of his chest.
Colin:
How many things in this series are made possible by simply thinking happy thoughts? They should skip class more often to do fun stuff cause I think creating happy memories to later be used as a weapon is way more useful in this universe than learning how to transfigure a book into a vase.
Not gonna lie when I say this was one of my favorite moments in the entire franchise.
Oh, just go ahead and make sand angels now. You’re just gonna be finding that shit in your clothes for months now. You’re gonna wish you had just given in and died.
“You’re a fool, Harry Potter. And you will lose.”
He’s already lost. You might as well just get a new wardrobe. That’s seriously where it’s at right now.
Oops. Stayed just a little too long.
Colin:
Voldemort’s been here with them for all this time and now they’re just chatting? Why is nobody trying to cap him? He’s wildly outnumbered even at this point. It’s only when more people show up that he splits — you’re more worried about them than Dumbledore?
Damn, this office is fucked UP.
“He’s back!”
Colin:
Really, Fudge? NOW you buy it? I thought the whole thing up til now was them sorta knowing Voldemort was back but just being in denial about it. He GENUINELY believed all year that it was Sirius Black and a few assholes raising hell around town? This man isn’t fit to run a Honeyduke’s franchise, let alone the wizarding community.
What’s more interesting to me is what’s below that headline.
Well that one doesn’t even have anything to do with the rest of them.
Bottom left headline. Nice.
I love that it actually says “He Who Must Not Be Named.”
Colin:
Look at the headline on the left. Are these people pretending to be wizards and they got found out? It doesn’t even says “squibs” — it’s muggles. Which is hilarious, cause they probably just whittled a stick and got some robes and walked around getting into awkward situations. “Hey, my hands are full, can you open Diagon Alley for me?” “Oh…uhh…no. You can do it. That’d be better.”
Colin:
What all of these newspaper articles are saying is, “Next time you question Dumbledore, you better come correct. Cause he doesn’t DO ‘wrong.'” It still seems like a pretty abrupt shift, given the Ministry’s position before, and how much of a dictatorship it really is. Fudge has always been wary of Dumbledore, you’d think he’d still be looking for SOME reason to keep him down.
Oh jesus, Potter, don’t go all Brokeback on me now.
Colin:
Long, awkward silence after that little exchange. “I know how you feel, Harry.” “No you don’t.” “Well, all right. Asshole.”
Dumbledore says it’s all his fault. He says he knew it was only a matter of time before Voldemort made a connection between the two of them (completely leaves out the horcruxes). He stayed away from Harry all year because he figured Voldemort would be less tempted to make a connection and therefore Harry would be safer. (You fucking idiot.)
Colin:
We’ve reached that point in the franchise when school means nothing. Harry doesn’t even finish school. He’s a drop out. And I’d be willing to bet that his grades for the past two or three years have been middling at best. Which means that not only are primary and tertiary education basically non-existent in this universe, it means that their “secondary” schooling doesn’t really hold that much sway either. Doesn’t say anything in the epilogue about Harry or Ron going back to Hogwarts to do their seventh year, nor does it say anything about them getting the wizarding equivalent of a GED. (I’ll leave it to you to decide what acronym that would be.)
So, while we can assume that Harry went to muggle school until going to Hogwarts, this does mean that Ron has about 5 years of formal education for his entire life. Think about that.
Harry’s the Ulysses S. Grant of the wizarding world. He gets by on experience and not by political prowess.
But actually that is a good point. What kind of school do wizards go to until they go to Hogwarts? They must be home-schooled or something.
Unless there are just wizard elementary schools until Hogwarts. They’re just straight education based, and Hogwarts is magic based. Which, either way, pretty much implies that their actual education stops after the age of 11. Which… I can buy that. Since I’m not sure how much I actually learned after elementary school. I’ve forgotten most of the math shit already. The French and Latin are mostly gone. The history only stuck because I was interested in it and actively remembered it. English is a bullshit subject all around (said the guy who half majored in it). I can buy the lack of education after elementary school. Who really needs it within the community anyway?
Colin:
I guess what I was getting at is how they have no formal schooling, but are then expected to hold down real jobs, that I assume would require real-world skills. I learned new words after elementary school, I was a shitty writer until high school or college, and your general world knowledge is severely limited unless (and sometimes even if) you finish secondary school.
These kids are supposed to write long essays, but it’s just assumed they know grammar and how to write an effective essay. I bet Professor Binns gets a lot of essays like, “The Goblin Rebellion of 1612: There were goblins. Some wizards were mean to them. Goblins want a right to use wands like people but they aren’t people. They got mad and attacked. Rebellion means to attack when you’re angry. The End.”
“Last year I took a class on goblins and it was very interesting and I learned a lot about goblins and I think it was very important to learn about other cultures and other people who are very different from us and I would recommend that everyone take a class on goblins because history is very important.”
Only Colin knows the proper voice in which to read that.
“Neither one can live while the other survives.” Oh you didn’t think I knew about that, did you?”
He also says it means one of them is gonna have to kill the other, in the end.
Reaction shots.
Colin:
Rowling is one fallacy-making woman. Just because “neither can survive while the other lives” doesn’t mean one of them will have to kill the other. Harry could get hit by the Knight Bus tomorrow, and Voldemort would be cool for the rest of eternity. On the other hand, Voldemort could go down on Bellatrix and end up with The Monster for all we know.
First part – not necessarily, second part – fair enough. Harry’s pretty much protected by that Horcrux thing, isn’t he? Doesn’t he actually get the benefit of You Only Live Twice? Because even if his body gets fucking mangled by a bus, the horcrux dies before he does, so technically he can still survive that. It’s like the Fight Club ending where he shoots himself in the face and somehow lives. Fuck your shit up, but the horcrux goes first. (Ha ha. Tyler Durden was a horcrux. Find me someone else who made THAT connection!)
But the AIDS thing is totally plausible.
Colin:
At any rate, there’s nothing that says one must kill the other, so she should have made that explicit if that’s what she wants us thinking. As of now, all that’s required is that one of them cashes in his chips. As Doggystyle tells us, “Six million ways to die. Choose one.”
Sirius does it Doggystyle.
Did :(
Colin:
Also — neither can survive while the other lives? Aren’t both surviving now? I’m missing something here. What happens if neither of them kill the other? They’ll BOTH die? But it’s not specified how or when, so all we know is that both of them will eventually die, which…fucking really. This is the shittiest written prophecy since that “restore balance to the force” shit.
Oh, yeah, also – that screenshot up there. Dumbledore says yes.
He also says he didn’t tell Harry because he didn’t want to cause him any more pain.
The key to comedy.
Dumbledore also says, “I care too much about you.” Which… that’s pretty fucked up, given what we all should know going in, having read the books.
Did Filch have to put all those paintings back?
At least he’s not in the hospital anymore.
Colin:
Filch is all pissed off cause there’s joy again.
Luna lost all her possessions.
“Apparently people have been hiding them.”
Colin:
Oh, so people took me up on that suggestion and started stealing Luna’s stuff for fun. Well done, folks.
“Oh, it’s all in good fun. But as it’s the last night, I really do need them back.”
She’s one of my other favorite characters in the franchise.
Harry asks if she wants any help finding her shit.
What’s that about?
“I’m sorry about your godfather, Harry.”
This is the part where they fall on the ground fucking and she tosses the papers over her shoulder.
Colin:
Isn’t a touch on the shoulder or something the standard protocol for this sort of situation? She went the distance to grab your hand, that’s as good as a coupon for one free blowjob in the broom closet.
Agh, I just remembered how Harry messed everything up with Cho. What an asshole. Screw you for this whole book, Rowling. Now I remember why I hated it so much.
Also… I hope they gave Sirius a post-death reprieve and shit. At least clear up the history books and be like, “This motherfucker was a hero.” They never tell you about that. They do actually give him that much, don’t they?
Is she sure she doesn’t want any help finding shit?
“My mom always said (Note to readers: Mike is showing tremendous restraint at this point, and he hopes you all recognize and respect this) the things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end.”
THEY STOLE HER FUCKING SHOES!
They were her magic shoes.
Which is weird – she had them on at the Ministry, but not earlier in the forest. Continuity error, or did she find them and they stole them again so close to the end of the year?
“I think I’ll just go have some pudding.”
One of my favorite characters in the franchise.
AND SHE SKIPS!
OWL FIGHTS!!!!
HOGWARTS EXPRESS EMPLOYEES!
DAYYYUMM, girl!
Corduroy, Dan?
Colin:
I couldn’t tell on my shitty copy whether or not it was corduroy. Was gonna say something. But all the same, sport jacket over a muscle shirt? Easy there, fella.
What’s great is that he was wearing this earlier. Is this just his first day/last day outfit or something?
“I’ve been thinking about something Dumbledore said to me.”
“What’s that?”
“Even though we’ve got a fight ahead of us, we’ve got one thing that Voldemort doesn’t have.”
