Advertisements

Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007), Part V — “Drip Drip Drip. But With Pain.”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Title Card

We begin Part V in the Ministry of Magic.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1416

Colin:

Wait, how did they get in? Why are there no people there? Would there normally be people here, but Voldemort capped them? 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1417

Wouldn’t you pick up Fred and George for this? Or are they applying for small business loans and shit?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1418

This is weird. Is is just open like this when no one is working? Considering this is basically the White House of the wizarding world, isn’t there always SOMEONE around?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1419

That’s a badass shot, though.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1420

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1421

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1422

How many places have that kind of door handle?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1423

Guys, there must be a light switch SOMEWHERE.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1424

Oh, that works.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1425

Also, have they ever explained why this is important? We know nothing at this point, right? Good, we’ll wait on the discussion, since when we do find out what this is all about, it’s still fucking pointless.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1426

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1427

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1428

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1429

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1430

Oh… he’s not there.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1431

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1432

Harry has a small prophecy.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1433

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1434

“This is embarrassing.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1435

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1436

“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. And the Dark Lord shall mark him as his equal but he shall have power the Dark Lord knows not. For neither can live while the other survives.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1437

This is seriously all this book is about? They’re looking for that? This is totally pointless. That tells us NOTHING that affects the outcome of the franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1438

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1439

Wands Wide Shut.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1440

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1441

That’s not Malfoy coming toward you, Harry. That’s God.

(I guarantee you I will never get tired of this joke.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1442

“You now, you really should be able to tell the difference between dreams…”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1443

“…and reality.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1444

“You do anything to us, I’ll break it.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1445

Oh, that laugh.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1446

“He knows how to play.”

Colin:

Helena Bonham Carter fell down a hill. (But really, though. What amazing casting that was.)

What he’s referring to is one of my favorite tweets somebody wrote where they said their appearance that day was best described as “Helena Bonham Carter fell down a hill,” and it was perfect. You knew EXACTLY what she meant by that.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1447

“Neville Longbottom, is it? How’s Mom and Dad?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1448

She’s awesome.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1449

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1450

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1451

Psst… behind you. Why is no one checking the six? This is why you motherfuckers need someone like me. I’d be all over that shit.

Also, Harry says Voldemort.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1452

“You dare speak his name.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1453

“You filthy half-blood!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1455

“Prophecies can only be retrieved by those about whom they are made.”

Who made that rule?

Also, isn’t that prophecy about Voldemort too?

Colin:

First, that’s a bullshit rule. Even Trelawney couldn’t get her own prophecy back? And “retrieved” means…picked up? Listened to? Why doesn’t Voldemort just show up and listen to the thing? What year is it? 2007? That shit’s probably on Kazaa.

You know what it might actually be? It might be that if someone other than the person whom the prophecy is about tries to take it, they won’t be able to hear the actual prophecy, so they need Harry to get it so they can hear what it says so Voldemort would know better how to kill this fuck. Maybe they just did a horrible job of explaining it.

Colin:

Yeah, but it’s clearly about both of them — and Voldemort is there later and clearly has access. Harry only knows where the prophecy is because of the visions Voldemort showed him, so Voldie knows where it is, too. He could literally just waltz in and grab it, and since it’s about him, he should be able to listen to it.

Also, I love the idea of people having to sign for prophecies. 3-5 business days.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1456

Admiral Ackbar:

IT’S A TRAP!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1457

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1458

Lucius wants the prophecy.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1459

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1460

“Your lack of compliance disturbs me.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1461

Colin:

Big fan of the overhead “y’all are surrounded” shot. Also happened in Moria. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1462

“I’ve waited fourteen years… I guess I can wait a little longer.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1463

Stupefyed the FUCK out of them.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1464

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1465

Colin:

I guess being a Death Eater just requires that you be a dick and wear black. What’s the difference between being a Death Eater and being goth or emo? Cause a bunch of kids just got the drop on you and you got messed up by some Stupefying spells. Yeah, you’re real badasses. This is the wizarding equivalent of children being held at gunpoint and escaping by throwing water balloons at the bad guys. I…cannot take you seriously, now, Death Eaters. 

Not when they’re wearing those… underwears.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1466

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1467

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1468

“I want my two dollars!”

Colin:

See? THAT’S what Harry needs to learn. Can we finally discuss what the fuck this is? How do the Death Eaters fly around with no brooms or anything? Just flying around, turning wispy and stuff. It’s cool, but I’m really confused at what it is, how it works, and why nobody else really does it except the Order for this particular fight.

It’s Limbo Mist.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1469

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1470

Kumbaya…

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1471

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1472

Oh, no, Dakota.

(One person thought that was uncalled for.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1473

“Levicorpus!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1474

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1475

That was not Levicorpus.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1476

This might be one of the most disturbing shots in the franchise for me.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1477

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1478

Neville just Petrificus Totalus’d him. Oh, sweet irony.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1479

The Bloody Baroness approves.

Colin:

See, the failure here is that these Death Eaters are letting the kids point wands at them and giving them the time to perform spells. What? Didn’t we see in dueling that you can block those? Or since we later see that the majority of them don’t require incantations for most spells, wouldn’t they just use something to stop the kids before they finished performing whatever spell they were trying? Seriously, when Neville Longbottom gets the drop on you with “Petrificus Totalus”….that’s SEVEN syllables being spoken by NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM. You honestly can’t do ANYTHING to stop him? 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1480

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1481

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1482

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1483

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1484

Colin:

This is better. Shooting at the Death Eaters and them blocking.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1485

“Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1486

Why does he look like he’s flying on his side with his hand resting in a fireman calendar pose or something?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1487

I guess nobody’s coming back for those prophecies. Hopefully none of those were about the person who was gonna cure wizard cancer or something.

I have to say, though – it’s this sequence that made this one of my favorite movies in the franchise. The whole thing is fucking pointless, but this shit looks amazing.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1488

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1489

SMOKE BOMB!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1490

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1491

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1492

OH SHIT HE JUST SHOT HIM POINT BLANK IN THE FACE!

Think about that – you’re in a car trying to get away (maybe it’s having trouble starting, as cars tend to do during shootouts). Someone is trying to run you down. You pull out a shotgun and blast them in the fucking face and drive away. How fucking awesome is that?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1493

Yup.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1494

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1495

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1496

“Reducto!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1497

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1498

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1499

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1500

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1501

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1502

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1503

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1504

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1505

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1506

Colin:

Ginny, you just broke a lot of shit and I don’t think your parents can pay for it all.

That’s why he bangs her.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1507

Uh oh.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1508

Again, not helping.

What the fuck is that look? “No, no, leave me… I like it.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1509

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1510

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1511

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1512

All those people’s prophecies…

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1513

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1514

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1515

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!

(Also, because you’re poor.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1516

You’re also running over a lot of glass. I’m sure your feet got out of there unscathed.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1517

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1518

WHY WOULD YOU HAVE THAT DOOR?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1519

And it closes on its own, of course.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1520

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1521

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1522

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1523

Colin:

How convenient. A charm that stops you just before hitting the ground. Now that we know those exist, I bet they’re set up most places. Oh, no, because a lot of kids are severely injured falling to the ground from their brooms, whether during matches, or during practice like Neville. That would have been a good time for that charm. And if they aren’t casting it at the bottom of the stairs at Hogwarts, they fucking should be. Those staircases going all over the place and an unbroken fall for what looks like hundreds of feet. Consistency?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1524

Completely unbroken.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1525

“The voices… can you hear what they’re saying?”

“There aren’t any voices, Harry.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1526

Colin:

How many times has this happened? “I hear/see something.” “Harry, there’s nothing there.” By now, it’s probably best to just go with it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1527

“Speak friend and enter.”

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1528

“Get behind me!”

…too easy.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1529

Why does the score turn into Sephiroth all of a sudden?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1530

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1531

Death Eaters used Smog.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1532

But Neville’s accuracy won’t go any lower!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1533

How exactly does this fog shit work? Aren’t they just being annoying, mostly?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1534

I’m glad his hair isn’t stupid anymore.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1535

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1536

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1537

Christmas card.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1538

Ha ha. It’s the guy he shot in the face.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1539

Colin:

Hermione makes a good hostage. Shake a little bit, make a noise, good….good. I like it.

The noise she makes is the Japanese chick sex/rape noise. That says a lot.

Colin:

About her, or about me?

Yes.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1540

GREAT shot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1541

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1542

He wants this dance.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1543

Give him the prophecy or watch his friends die.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1544

Need an answer, Hank.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1545

“$1! Bet $1!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1546

The left one’s bigger, right?

Colin:

My thoughts exactly. Could be the angle, though.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1547

“Don’t give it to him, Harry!”

Colin:

The left one’s bigger, right?

You think it would freak her out if he turned his head to her and said, “I’m Petrificus Totalus right now”?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1548

“Shh!”

Colin:

Why would the Death Eaters be so civil? Neville speaks up and Lestrange just puts her wand over his neck. It’s Helena, so it’s a nice touch, but wouldn’t Bellatrix use some spell to shut him the fuck up?

I thought it would have been badass if she just went across his neck and slit his fucking throat. How awesome would THAT have been? Just slit a guy’s throat with your wand? Or just a good, solid neck snap. The acoustics are solid in this place. A perfectly timed neck snap could be like that opening piano chord of “Baba O’Riley.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1549

Hey, remember when they demanded to go with you? They knew the risks. Fuck ‘em.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1550

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1551

You pussy.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1552

Colin:

And I’m still confused at why this prophecy is so important and why Voldie can’t have it. Is it just gonna tell him what it told Harry? That one of them must die for the other to survive? So….he’ll have to kill Harry? Which….is what he’s been trying to do all along. Just give them the fucking prophecy, stop being so spiteful. For all you know, this is like Prophecy Blockbuster, where people just show up and rent them to watch. Though by the look of the damage Ginny just did in the store room, I’m betting Prophecy Blockbuster’s out of business now too. :(

Prof-flix.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1553

He holds things up like a dick too.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1554

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1555

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1556

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1557

“Get away from my godson.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1558

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1559

Colin:

GARY! BAMF!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1560

“God-DAMN! I wanna get fucked!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1561

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1562

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1563

I’m confused. Have we elected a pope or not?

Colin:

So, see what I mean? They can all do this flying thing and it’s NEVER addressed. Plus, notice how they’re all white when they fly so we don’t get confused. You might have thought the Death Eaters were black wispy things because they were wearing black, but the Order all wear dark clothing as well. Turns out if you’re a good guy, you just turn into white wispy stuff instead. Seems like a disadvantage in terms of camouflage. Also, is the color of their wispiness determined by them as they take on that form, or is it inherent to that person, like a Patronus? If someone turned traitor, for instance, would their wispy form become black? Because the only alternative I can think of is that they all decide upon it in advance to avoid friendly fire. “Why do we have to be white EVERY time?” “Because, Kingsley, white is the color of goodness. No offense.”

Kingsley’s wisp is Jamaican colors.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1564

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1565

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1566

Aww… you fucked up.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1567

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1568

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1569

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1570

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1571

What a badass way to enter. Head down, almost kneeling, then you get up and fuck some shit up. A+ for Moody. Best entrance.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1572

Oh, but Kingsley’s giving him a run for his money.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1573

Lupin, I choose you!

He’s got a type advantage over Dolohov. Werewolf does x2 damage.

I hope Voldemort didn’t pack any Full Restores.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1574

Sup, baby? I like-a yo boobies.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1575

What’s that face for? No matter, because –

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1576

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1577

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1578

BAM!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1579

They both shot that guy in the face.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1580

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1581

This motherfucker’s dueling from the floor!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1582

Oh, that’s badass. That’s that shortstop sidearm throw.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1583

Why are there rocks there?

And why does Luna look like when they cut to a wide shot of a hobbit?

Also, why is Ginny taking Kingsley by the arm like they’re going to…

Oh.

Colin:

FUCKING SEE?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1584

Sirius tells Harry to get out of there.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1585

“No, I’m staying with you.”

Whiny little bitch.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1586

“You’ve done beautifully. Now let me take it from here.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1587

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1588

Colin:

Lucius whips out the wand from his pimp cane! Yeah!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1589

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1590

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1591

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1592

Look at that form. It’s like he’s got a six-shooter. One hand on the hammer. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1593

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1594

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1595

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1596

Colin, I apologize in advance.

Colin:

Not great. But of everything in that movie, I have very little issue with it. There’s a reason for it to be there and it doesn’t use awful CGI. It’s real, unlike most of the film.

Parasailing.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1597

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1598

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1599

But actually, why are there rocks there? Have they explained where the fuck they even are?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1600

Colin:

Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect har-mon-y!

Because Shiho would agree with me that you can’t hear that song and not think of this.

It’s shit like this that makes me think I might not actually be so… tall.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1601

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1602

I like how during this they randomly cut to Beatrix cackling. The woman creates characterization by just a laugh.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1603

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1604

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1605

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1606

Colin:

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH MOODY’S STICK? Remember how there was a simple tapping code for exposing Grimmauld Place, and another for summoning a certain number of brooms, and now one tap fucks up a Death Eater. How does this all work? I thought he had a wand.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS… my class.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1607

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1608

“Expelliarmus!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1609

Man, what if that actually took off one of his arms. Do you think everyone would stop fighting and have a good laugh.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1610

“Nice one, James!”

Colin:

So…awkward.

I think it’s endearing here. If Ginny did it during sex… yeah, then it’s awkward.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1611

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1612

I like how they drop the sound out here. Though for some reason all the spells sound like those little snap pop fireworks you have to use as a kid.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1613

Clean shot. In and out.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1614

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1615

Kill shot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1616

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1617

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1618

Oh wow.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1619

FINISH HIM!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1620

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1621

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1622

K-O!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1623

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1624

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1625

“Avada Kedavra!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1626

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1627

Tits.

(Also, you can start a spell while mid-wisp?)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1628

BEST REACTION SHOT EVER.

I don’t care what you say to me from here on out, or whatever we find from here on out, there is nothing that will top this face in the history of movies. Ever.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1629

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1630

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1631

Oh, but yeah, he’s dead now.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1632

“Fuck.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1633

Wow, like, mega tits.

Colin:

Like that show Swat Tits about two tits that fly around in a junkyard plane called the TurboTit and save MegaTit City from bad guys?

Yeah, I just combined tits with Swat Kats. Result: AWESOME.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1634

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1635

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1636

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1637

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1638

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1639

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1640

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1641

Colin:

Suddenly we’re using Avada Kedavra? Where the fuck did THAT come from? Thanks, JK Rowling, for robbing us of one of the most badass characters in the whole fucking franchise and the best actor in the franchise. Not that she knew about that when she wrote it, but still. Doesn’t this feel like her making Harry a martyr with the pen torture? It’s an arbitrary event except for the aspect that’s purely Rowling saying, “Fuck yo happiness, Harry.” There were no other killing spells going around, and this one happened to hit OG Oldman at the ONE moment he wasn’t ready for it. 

My big problem with this is that in the book, this was a big deal. The two deaths that actually made me go, “Oh fuck, this is sad,” in the books were Sirius and Dobby. And they kind of got Dobby right in the film (kind of… we’ll see when we actually get to it), but here, I was so upset at how they did this. This was a real fucked up moment in the book. Because he ACTUALLY was my favorite character. (And then, just to bring it up, since the movies don’t – after she killed Sirius, I switched my allegiance over to Lupin — no idea why, I just sort of did — and then Rowling turned him into a little bitch in the 7th book just to fuck with me.) I get why it happens, but I wish they’d have done it better.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1642

Oh, actually, THIS is the moment for this link.

Colin:

Lupin’s even got the same sort of face. Like a refried Sean Bean.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1643

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1644

I’ll give it to Radcliffe, though. He understands the moment.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1645

Wow, he’s actually making this better for me, since this is how he’s supposed to be reacting.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1646

Colin:

As if to prove my point, as Harry’s wailing and Lupin’s holding him, Bellatrix is just fucking watching them. She could cap both of them right now, or at least Lupin if we assume she has to save Harry for Voldie to kill. Oldman’s death only makes sense in the context of other, similar attacks. I want to make it abundantly clear to everyone reading this: Bellatrix Lestrange did not kill Sirius Black. JK Rowling did. And fuck her for that.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1647

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1648

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1649

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1650

I also LOVE this moment. Because he’s fucking ready to kill.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1651

That face says a lot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1652

I also LOVE how Bellatrix is basically skipping up the hall, chanting, “I killed Sirius Black, na na na na na na!” This has to be considered #1 perfect casting for the entire franchise. In terms of a bigger part for an established actor – hell, even overall – I don’t think there’s anything that beats this.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1653

But actually.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1654

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1655

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1656

Crucio! (I also love how over the course of the books, they make Harry perform two of the three Unforgivable Curses. The movies do it too, but they don’t make a big a deal about it, which is stupid.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1657

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1658

So I guess that one-way ticket to Azkaban got lost in the mail…

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1659

This is kind of cool. What I like about this is that – you know she’s not afraid to die, and yet, there’s that childlike thing she has that makes it work.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1660

“You’ve got to mean it, Harry.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1661

“She killed him. She deserves it.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1662

“You know the spell, Harry.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1663

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1664

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1665

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1666

“Do it!”

This is pretty awesome, that he does this.

Colin:

This is some straight up Star Wars shit. Give in to your hate. I know I’d be screwed for this sort of ‘test’. Couldn’t throw away the lightsaber like Luke. Couldn’t stop myself from messing up Bellatrix like this. I’d hear that voice in my head go, “C’mon…you know the spell…” and be like, “As a matter of fact, I do. DEAD!” The problem is that spells are too instantaneous, and even the ones that cause lasting pain don’t continue shooting a beam from your wand. I want to see that person getting messed up by ME. Continuous flow. Drip drip drip. But with pain.

“Drip drip drip. But with pain.” Subtitle.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1667

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1668

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1669

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1670

“So… weak.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1671

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1672

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1673

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1674

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1675

“It was foolish of you to come here tonight, Tom.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1676

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1677

“The Aurors are on their way.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1678

“By which time I shall be gone, and you …”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1679

“Shall be dead.”

That pause was pretty badass.

Colin:

That little pause where he said, “And you — shall be dead” — that was SUPER gay.

I love these articles.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1680

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1681

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1682

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1683

That was either super badass or super gay.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1684

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1685

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1686

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1687

Bellatrix:

SKEET!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1688

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1689

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1690

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1691

Oh it’s fucking ON!

(Of course Dumbledore’s got a pink stream. Of course he does.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1692

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1693

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1694

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1695

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1696

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1697

One of the best conceived shots in the entire franchise. This was BRILLIANT.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1698

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1699

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1700

I also love how you HEAR the electricity coming from these wands. The sound design here should have gotten an Oscar nomination.

This is also one of those duels where you’re totally in it every step of the way and you know everything that’s going on.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1701

Lean wit it, rock wit it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1702

Maybe you should think about moving.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1703

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1704

Right, though?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1705

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1706

We need guns. Lots of guns.

Oh, wait… wrong franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1707

Colin:

I always thought this was Priori Incantatem. When the beams from dueling wands get stuck together. The wands don’t regurgitate spells or shoot out ghosts, but why does this happen? In the book, the key characteristic of Priori Incantatem was that they beams met in the center and were locked together, which is why Harry didn’t immediately die. And that’s what’s happening here. Also, are we to believe that Voldie’s that powerful? This is Dumbledore with the motherfucking Elder Wand. 

Were we to believe Harry was that powerful last year?

Colin:

That was Priori Incantatem, though. The wands were sort of on autopilot there, so it felt like their respective power didn’t matter as much. The phenomenon of the wands joining together was the focal point. That isn’t the case this time around, so it’s down to sheer power, which — you know Dumbledore has to have him beat.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1708

I CAN SEE DUMBLEDORE’S ANKLE!

The Gay Headmaster.

Oh, wow… that one worked a lot of ways.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1709

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1710

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1711

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1712

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1713

YEAH! FUCKING ROCK AND ROLL!!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1714

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1715

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1716

Colin:

Damn, get a load of the fire snake! That’s some seventh-year shit, probably.

That’s some Jafar shit right there.

(Also

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1717

Oh, wow, that face is magical.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1718

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1719

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1720

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1721

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1722

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1723

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1724

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1725

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1726

Man does know his type matchups.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1727

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1728

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1729

Colin:

And…a sphere of water. I have to admit, that’s pretty cool. But we’re still basically at Blastoise vs. Charizard (fuck the Crips and the Bloods). OH but remember in Goblet of Fire when I noticed Dumbledore was a Crip? I’d say this proves it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1730

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1731

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1732

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1733

Colin:

GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY, CHILD!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1734

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1735

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1736

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1737

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1738

Night Shade?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1739

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1740

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1741

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1742

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1743

This.

(Or maybe more this?)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1744

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1745

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1746

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1747

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1748

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1749

By now you guys should know what’s coming.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1750

This?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1751

The amount of times I’ve done it now… THIS is the actual right time to write, “OPTIMUS!”

THAT’S THE POSE!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1752

Colin:

Oh shit, Senbonzakura up in here?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1753

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1754

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1755

Don’t give me a second shot at it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1756

Colin:

And now Dumbledore Li Mu Bai’s it like with the darts. Or maybe it’s more like Afro Samurai.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1757

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1758

It’s that Limbo Mist.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1759

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1760

Reactions.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1761

“Bitch.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1762

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1763

And your little dog, too.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1764

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1765

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1766

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1767

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1768

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1769

“I can’t feel my legs!”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1771

“Harry?”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1770

“There is no Harry. There is only Zuul.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1772

Colin:

This is my dream. To find someone who believes in being possessed. And you fall to the ground and wince and when they run to you, you do an impression of someone. I’m thinking Chris Walken. 

I’m. Okay. I’m just. A little possessed. It’s. Completely natural.

The problem with Walken in text form is that it veers too closely to Shatner.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1773

Good luck trying to get all the sand out of your clothes. You might as well just die.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1774

OH MY GOD THIS LOOKS LIKE A MUSIC VIDEO!

SOMEBODY HAVE VOLDEMORT DO A MUSIC VIDEO.

You know what I’m talking about.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1775

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1776

These are the kind of screenshots I find and keep and when they come up on my desktop, people go, “What the fuck is that from?” And only I know.

These have nothing to do with the movie. They’re purely for me.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1777

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1778

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1779

Seriously, just put the wand to your head and pull the trigger, Harry. That sand situation isn’t gonna get any better.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1780

“It isn’t how you are alike, it’s how you are not.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1781

Right?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1782

ANOTHER ONE!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1783

Colin:

Dumbledore just looks desperate here. Like he’s about to offer Harry $50 if he’ll just snap out of it.

Just sprinkle some crack on him, he’ll get right up.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1784

Oh god… that sand…

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1785

Where the fuck were all of you?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1786

Again, notice which one of them is the only one in the shot.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1787

“You’re the weak one.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1788

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1789

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1790

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1791

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1792

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1793

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1794

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1795

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1796

I’ll keep going as long as you do.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1797

“And you’ll never know love. Or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1798

When did this happen?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1799

Well I have to end with this one, right?

Colin:

See, you say that, but…

I ultimately left that link in because it does work, but I feel like I should say — I don’t condone anything that prick does. Just wanna throw that out there. Fuck him.

One of the few times I’ll take a stand against anything.

(Said FDR.)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1800

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1801

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1802

Jesus, his organs are being ripped out of his chest.

Colin:

How many things in this series are made possible by simply thinking happy thoughts? They should skip class more often to do fun stuff cause I think creating happy memories to later be used as a weapon is way more useful in this universe than learning how to transfigure a book into a vase.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1803

Not gonna lie when I say this was one of my favorite moments in the entire franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1804

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1805

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1806

Oh, just go ahead and make sand angels now. You’re just gonna be finding that shit in your clothes for months now. You’re gonna wish you had just given in and died.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1807

“You’re a fool, Harry Potter. And you will lose.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1808

He’s already lost. You might as well just get a new wardrobe. That’s seriously where it’s at right now.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1809

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1810

Oops. Stayed just a little too long.

Colin:

Voldemort’s been here with them for all this time and now they’re just chatting? Why is nobody trying to cap him? He’s wildly outnumbered even at this point. It’s only when more people show up that he splits — you’re more worried about them than Dumbledore? 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1811

Damn, this office is fucked UP.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1812

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1813

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1814

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1815

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1816

“He’s back!”

Colin:

Really, Fudge? NOW you buy it? I thought the whole thing up til now was them sorta knowing Voldemort was back but just being in denial about it. He GENUINELY believed all year that it was Sirius Black and a few assholes raising hell around town? This man isn’t fit to run a Honeyduke’s franchise, let alone the wizarding community.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1817

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1818

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1819

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1820

What’s more interesting to me is what’s below that headline.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1821

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1822

Well that one doesn’t even have anything to do with the rest of them.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1823

Bottom left headline. Nice.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1824

I love that it actually says “He Who Must Not Be Named.”

Colin:

Look at the headline on the left. Are these people pretending to be wizards and they got found out? It doesn’t even says “squibs” — it’s muggles. Which is hilarious, cause they probably just whittled a stick and got some robes and walked around getting into awkward situations. “Hey, my hands are full, can you open Diagon Alley for me?” “Oh…uhh…no. You can do it. That’d be better.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1825

Colin:

What all of these newspaper articles are saying is, “Next time you question Dumbledore, you better come correct. Cause he doesn’t DO ‘wrong.'” It still seems like a pretty abrupt shift, given the Ministry’s position before, and how much of a dictatorship it really is. Fudge has always been wary of Dumbledore, you’d think he’d still be looking for SOME reason to keep him down.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1826

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1827

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1828

Oh jesus, Potter, don’t go all Brokeback on me now.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1829

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1830

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1831

Colin:

Long, awkward silence after that little exchange. “I know how you feel, Harry.” “No you don’t.” “Well, all right. Asshole.”

Dumbledore says it’s all his fault. He says he knew it was only a matter of time before Voldemort made a connection between the two of them (completely leaves out the horcruxes). He stayed away from Harry all year because he figured Voldemort would be less tempted to make a connection and therefore Harry would be safer. (You fucking idiot.)

Colin:

We’ve reached that point in the franchise when school means nothing. Harry doesn’t even finish school. He’s a drop out. And I’d be willing to bet that his grades for the past two or three years have been middling at best. Which means that not only are primary and tertiary education basically non-existent in this universe, it means that their “secondary” schooling doesn’t really hold that much sway either. Doesn’t say anything in the epilogue about Harry or Ron going back to Hogwarts to do their seventh year, nor does it say anything about them getting the wizarding equivalent of a GED. (I’ll leave it to you to decide what acronym that would be.)

So, while we can assume that Harry went to muggle school until going to Hogwarts, this does mean that Ron has about 5 years of formal education for his entire life. Think about that.

Harry’s the Ulysses S. Grant of the wizarding world. He gets by on experience and not by political prowess.

But actually that is a good point. What kind of school do wizards go to until they go to Hogwarts? They must be home-schooled or something.

Unless there are just wizard elementary schools until Hogwarts. They’re just straight education based, and Hogwarts is magic based. Which, either way, pretty much implies that their actual education stops after the age of 11. Which… I can buy that. Since I’m not sure how much I actually learned after elementary school. I’ve forgotten most of the math shit already. The French and Latin are mostly gone. The history only stuck because I was interested in it and actively remembered it. English is a bullshit subject all around (said the guy who half majored in it). I can buy the lack of education after elementary school. Who really needs it within the community anyway?

Colin:

I guess what I was getting at is how they have no formal schooling, but are then expected to hold down real jobs, that I assume would require real-world skills. I learned new words after elementary school, I was a shitty writer until high school or college, and your general world knowledge is severely limited unless (and sometimes even if) you finish secondary school.

These kids are supposed to write long essays, but it’s just assumed they know grammar and how to write an effective essay. I bet Professor Binns gets a lot of essays like, “The Goblin Rebellion of 1612: There were goblins. Some wizards were mean to them. Goblins want a right to use wands like people but they aren’t people. They got mad and attacked. Rebellion means to attack when you’re angry. The End.”

“Last year I took a class on goblins and it was very interesting and I learned a lot about goblins and I think it was very important to learn about other cultures and other people who are very different from us and I would recommend that everyone take a class on goblins because history is very important.”

Only Colin knows the proper voice in which to read that.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1832

“Neither one can live while the other survives.” Oh you didn’t think I knew about that, did you?”

He also says it means one of them is gonna have to kill the other, in the end.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1833

Reaction shots.

Colin:

Rowling is one fallacy-making woman. Just because “neither can survive while the other lives” doesn’t mean one of them will have to kill the other. Harry could get hit by the Knight Bus tomorrow, and Voldemort would be cool for the rest of eternity. On the other hand, Voldemort could go down on Bellatrix and end up with The Monster for all we know.

First part – not necessarily, second part – fair enough. Harry’s pretty much protected by that Horcrux thing, isn’t he? Doesn’t he actually get the benefit of You Only Live Twice? Because even if his body gets fucking mangled by a bus, the horcrux dies before he does, so technically he can still survive that. It’s like the Fight Club ending where he shoots himself in the face and somehow lives. Fuck your shit up, but the horcrux goes first. (Ha ha. Tyler Durden was a horcrux. Find me someone else who made THAT connection!)

But the AIDS thing is totally plausible.

Colin:

At any rate, there’s nothing that says one must kill the other, so she should have made that explicit if that’s what she wants us thinking. As of now, all that’s required is that one of them cashes in his chips. As Doggystyle tells us, “Six million ways to die. Choose one.”

Sirius does it Doggystyle.

Did :(

Colin:

Also — neither can survive while the other lives? Aren’t both surviving now? I’m missing something here. What happens if neither of them kill the other? They’ll BOTH die? But it’s not specified how or when, so all we know is that both of them will eventually die, which…fucking really. This is the shittiest written prophecy since that “restore balance to the force” shit.

Oh, yeah, also – that screenshot up there. Dumbledore says yes.

He also says he didn’t tell Harry because he didn’t want to cause him any more pain.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1834

The key to comedy.

Dumbledore also says, “I care too much about you.” Which… that’s pretty fucked up, given what we all should know going in, having read the books.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1835

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1836

Did Filch have to put all those paintings back?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1837

At least he’s not in the hospital anymore.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1838

Colin:

Filch is all pissed off cause there’s joy again.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1839

Luna lost all her possessions.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1840

“Apparently people have been hiding them.”

Colin:

Oh, so people took me up on that suggestion and started stealing Luna’s stuff for fun. Well done, folks. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1841

“Oh, it’s all in good fun. But as it’s the last night, I really do need them back.”

She’s one of my other favorite characters in the franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1842

Harry asks if she wants any help finding her shit.

What’s that about?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1843

“I’m sorry about your godfather, Harry.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1844

This is the part where they fall on the ground fucking and she tosses the papers over her shoulder.

Colin:

Isn’t a touch on the shoulder or something the standard protocol for this sort of situation? She went the distance to grab your hand, that’s as good as a coupon for one free blowjob in the broom closet.

Agh, I just remembered how Harry messed everything up with Cho. What an asshole. Screw you for this whole book, Rowling. Now I remember why I hated it so much.

Also… I hope they gave Sirius a post-death reprieve and shit. At least clear up the history books and be like, “This motherfucker was a hero.” They never tell you about that. They do actually give him that much, don’t they?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1845

Is she sure she doesn’t want any help finding shit?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1846

“My mom always said (Note to readers: Mike is showing tremendous restraint at this point, and he hopes you all recognize and respect this) the things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1847

THEY STOLE HER FUCKING SHOES!

They were her magic shoes.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1849

Which is weird – she had them on at the Ministry, but not earlier in the forest. Continuity error, or did she find them and they stole them again so close to the end of the year?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1850

“I think I’ll just go have some pudding.”

One of my favorite characters in the franchise.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1851

AND SHE SKIPS!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1852

OWL FIGHTS!!!!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1853

HOGWARTS EXPRESS EMPLOYEES!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1854

DAYYYUMM, girl!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1855

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1856

Corduroy, Dan?

Colin:

I couldn’t tell on my shitty copy whether or not it was corduroy. Was gonna say something. But all the same, sport jacket over a muscle shirt? Easy there, fella.

What’s great is that he was wearing this earlier. Is this just his first day/last day outfit or something?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1857

“I’ve been thinking about something Dumbledore said to me.”

“What’s that?”

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1858

“Even though we’ve got a fight ahead of us, we’ve got one thing that Voldemort doesn’t have.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1859

“Something worth fighting for.”

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1860

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - 1861