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Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), Part I — “He Looks Like the Kinda Guy Who Has a Roofie Guy”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Part I.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

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This is how we start these things now.

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Colin:

Nice pinky rings, asshole.

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You’d think that wizards would have found better cameras by now.

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This shot is funny because of context.

Also — it’s weird that they’re starting with this, given how that’s not where the last movie ended. Not by at least two scenes.

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Damn, shit is dark now.

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Is Trinity gonna fly a helicopter into it, or…?

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Apparently muggles drink only unlabeled bottles of water.

Colin:

This doesn’t look like an actual corporate board room. It looks like what people like to think a corporate board room looks like.

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Imhotep?

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Surrender Dorothy?

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Colin:

Okay, can we figure out what the hell this is? They don’t have brooms, they can just fly. This has been a thing for a while, mostly during Order of the Phoenix. I’m THIS close to sending a letter to one of the filmmakers just to get this cleared up.

I’m actually going to keep calling it Limbo Mist.

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No joke, when I watched this the first time for these articles, I went, “Why the fuck did they bust through a wall? Was that supposed to be for CGI purposes?” It was only later I figured out what was going on (that’s after what’s about to happen is explained fully and I saw it a second time). Horrible job of setting stuff up.

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This is also how Die Hard with a Vengeance starts.

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This is a pretty great shot.

Reminds me of Children of Men.

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That’s gotta be scary as fuck for the people in that alleyway. Imagine if a bomb goes off and No Face comes walking out of the smoke.

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Top o’the mornin’ to ya.

Again, only later do we actually find out what this is if we don’t know. It happens so fast in the movie and it’s not explained at all, so this just seems like some weird kidnapping. In fact, when watched in real time, this looks like it’s a muggle.

(Note: That’s Ollivander under the hood. That’s Diagon Alley. I guess they expected us to catch the wall break, even though we haven’t seen it for five movies, remember the alleyway, een though it could theoretically be any alleyway in London, and know it’s Ollivander’s, even though you can’t see the goddamn sign. I don’t know. Is it just me? Was this clear to everyone else?)

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Aww… just like Wall-E.

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Colin:

That’s your target? That pedestrian bridge? You’d get more people with a major car accident. These guys are magic and they still lose out to real terrorists.

What’s the endgame here, exactly? That they’re willing to kill anyone? I guess it’s because they hate muggles. But the wizarding world shouldn’t give a fuck about it. The muggles can’t do anything about it. They’re just spectators to something they’re not even supposed to know about and don’t see. And the “good” (spectrum-wise) wizards shouldn’t be intimidated by dead muggles. When they kill wizards, you worry, because that’s less people to fight them. That’s like someone starting a war and killing a bunch of horses. Aww… one of those was Suzie’s horse! What the fuck?! What are they gonna do? Wipe out Durmstrang. That’s how you get people’s attention. Kill about a thousand wizards. I don’t get what the point of this is.

(Though it does look good, though.)

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They showed muggles before and now they’re attacking a muggle bridge – good job establishing environments, Yates. At no point do we really get the sense that this is anything other than them attacking muggles.

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Good thing all the CGI’d people got off the bridge in time, right?

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That’s a hell of a slide.

(Note to self (Not even a Harry Potter TV series idea): A bridge-sized slide. And you build it in a controlled body of water and not in an actual river where it can be dangerous. That would be awesome.)

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Do people not go fishing in England? If this were anywhere on the east coast, there would be boats in the water. People’d be sitting out there, trawling for stripers.

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Why the fuck are you reading a wizard paper in PUBLIC?

(Also, isn’t it weird that Rufus Scrimgeour is now Prime Minister and we don’t know about it for a full year?)

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She want the dick.

If there ever was a textbook look of “She Want the Dick,” this is that look.

(Also, sup, Betty?)

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This is a fun shot, because they never address it once in the film vocally, and he just shows up at the start of the next movie like it’s nothing. And this is before the Ministry falls. So he goes into and is broken out of prison, and they don’t mention it once in any of the dialogue in the films.

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This is something we don’t have much of in this country — coffee shops in subways. You just don’t see it. But Europe is filled with them. (I base all my knowledge of Europe on this and The Third Man. Oh, and I guess Brief Encounter too.) And I think it’s a pretty cool idea. I’d totally hang out in that thing all day. Trains going by — that would be awesome. I’ve always wanted that place where I could just hang out all day. I always assumed it would be a bar for me. I’d just be the old drunk who hung out all day. But this place seems like the one I’d prefer above all others.

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“Who’s Harry Potter?”

Colin:

Isn’t it funny how this muggle chick almost knows he’s famous? She’s flirting with him pretty heavily.

She want the dick.™

She is fine as hell.

I don’t like that x on the wall, though. I’ve watched The Departed way too many times to be able to see that there.

Hopefully in England that means she puts out.

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“Climb up under this table and I’ll show you.”

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Dat ass indeed, Harry.

God DAMN look at that ass!

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“Hey, I was wonder—”

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“Eleven. I get off at eleven.”

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“You right about that, sugar. You right about that.”

Colin:

This is how wizards and muggles end up together. Those muggle girls are crazy. In fact, every girl that’s ever come on to me has been a muggle.

Adam:

Every girl that’s come off of me has been a muggle.

(I’d like to thank the 1% of people who thought that was hilarious.)

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Colin:

Why wouldn’t you make this situation awkward on purpose? She stops him and tells him that she’s off at 11, which would seem the perfect opportunity to be like, “…actually, I was going to ask you what the soup of the day was, but now that I know you a ho…”

Gamesmanship 101. Turn it back on her, call her a ho, then she’s gotta prove to you that she’s not a ho, which usually ends up with her being a ho. And so it goes.

(I don’t know why that felt appropriate above other things, but it did.)

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What the fuck, Janitor Steve?

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Look at that window. Turn that shit into Titanicman.

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“Come play with me, Harry. Forever, and ever, and ever.”

(Also, “Divine Magic.” That’s hilarious.)

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Harry’s coming down the way out.

(That’s what he was ’bout to do anyway before.)

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“You’ve been reckless this summer, Harry.”

“I like riding around on trains.”

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“What the fuck is THAT?”

He’s got reverse vitiligo.

Vitidarko.

Colin:

What the shit happened to his hand? Did he give a balrog a reacharound or something?

His name is Gellert Grindelwald.

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“No time to talk, grab my arm.”

Colin:

“Take my arm – please!”

I am the 1% who got that joke and thought it was hilarious.

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She’s still hot. And now she’s not gonna get the dick.

Colin:

She’s fine, but she hasn’t done much. I just found her on Facebook. Like, her personal page. Didn’t even have to scroll through 46 pages. Not that I’m creeping on her, but I find it wild that I can see a girl in a movie, be like, “Damn,” and then find her on Facebook just like that. Gotta wonder if she gets messages about this.

I guess we should bring this up, because it’s enjoyable to me. Colin had a reputation for a certain — a certain set of skills, shall we say, when I met him. It’s a very CIA-type behavior, but used for the worst things. Like, I remember hearing a story when, in high school, a friend told him he wanted to know more about this girl, and Colin came back with the floor plan to her house. Like, actual architect blueprints.

So anyway, I had heard this story, and remembered it (because I’m a writer, and shit like that sticks with me), and a year later, he came back from class (and I was in my room, probably not going to class) and said he saw this really attractive Japanese chick, who was clearly a freshman. And I (knowing what would happen — me saying shit like this to him is like him suggesting he might ask me at some point to make a list of movies for him to watch. We know it’ll get done by the time we wake up the next day) said, “I bet you you could out who she is within two days.” Or whatever it is. I gave him a fair amount of time, knowing he’d come in way under the wire. And the next day, I’m in my room (not in class), and he just comes in (probably after Japanese class, since he had that in the morning five days a week and I made sure not to have any class in the morning ever unless it was a film class), opens up my computer, pulls up Facebook, and goes right to this girl’s Facebook page. He searched 46 pages of freshmen students before he found her. So him with people on Facebook is like me finding old movies on the internet. It’s just funny to me that he searched 46 pages of freshmen just to find one girl.

Norm

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Tough decision, though, isn’t it?

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“I kept you alive, motherfucker.”

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“Fuck…”

Colin:

Goddamn you, Dumbledore. That was the worst cockblock EVER. I will NEVER forgive you for this. She was waiting for him, looking fine. And Harry was ready to pretend to be a muggle. Muggle play is like the wizarding version of fursuiting. She was fine, too. I’m gonna be upset about this for the rest of the franchise.

Said the guy who has already forgotten about Cho Chang.

Colin:

Correction: the guy who is TRYING to forget about Cho Chang, so thanks for that. I’m upset about that, and in denial about what’s going to start happening throughout this film. He could have at least gotten the girl’s address or something. Can’t he do the date and then time turner that shit or whatever? Why must everyone mess up my happiness?

What happened to the time turner after Azkaban?

Also, that would be awesome if you were dating a muggle, or vice versa. Imagine being on either side and bringing the other person around to fuck. You get to go to Hogwarts and shit for quickies. That’s awesome.

I can imagine Harry in that chick’s apartment:

*clap clap*

(Lights turn off.)

“But I don’t have a clapper.”

“I know.”

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They apparate. I spared you the weird screenshots. Good thing they showed it to us, too, since now Harry’s able to do it legally (but not on school grounds). Naturally we’ve never seen it before this, because we never had a need to.

(Of course we don’t actually really see it. They give them apparition lessons in this book the way people get driving lessons, and naturally that was all cut out, so we’ll just explain it with one line and then have Hermione be able to do it because Hermione can do everything and no one will question it.)

Harry asks if they just apparated. They did. Quite successfully too.

“Most people vomit the first time,” Dumbledore says, sounding a lot like Luna.

Colin:

Do with that what you will.

But why wouldn’t they have him throw up immediately after Dumbledore says it?

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This reeks of soundstage. (Which is not a bad thing.)

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“Welcome to the charming village of Budleigh Babberton. Harry, I assume right about now you must be wondering why I brought you here. Am I right?”

Colin:

Ten’ll get you one this is where the Sackville-Bagginses live. I can’t decide if it’s that fantasy writers feel the need to come up with ridiculous names for stuff, or if it’s that England is weird to begin with.

Certainly a lot more creative than “Forks,” isn’t it?

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“Actually sir, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.”

Colin:

Well, FINALLY. Harry’s always been skeptical about stuff, even unnecessarily so. After five films, he’s finally gotten through his thick skull that magic tends to switch things up and that it’s best to go with the flow.

This will be funny in a minute.

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Wands out.

(Wouldn’t it be fucked up if he started rounding up Jews or something?)

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Man, this place is fucked up.

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This looks like my first apartment.

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Damn shame what they did to that dog.

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I’d have loved if he just went, “Columbian. 83% pure.”

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Someone has a horrible interior decorating sense. That chair does not fit the crackhouse vibe.

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That armchair is Jim Broadbent.

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Dumbledore just poked Jim Broadbent in the face.

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“I must say you make a convincing armchair, Horace.”

Not really. Armchairs don’t shout “Merlin’s beard!” when you poke them.

That’s Horace Slughorn, by the way.

Colin:

Not who I imagined to play Slughorn. Not that I don’t like Jim Broadbent. I guess I expected someone fatter.

Said Hollywood never.

This reminds me of Jim Broadbent in Bullets Over Broadway, where he plays an actor who has diet problems, and over the course of the film, we see him eating more and more and getting fatter and fatter.

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“What gave me away?”

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“Dragon’s blood.”

Why did that give him away? Did it have to be people blood for it to not give him away? Who looks at this house and goes, “Oh, well… I guess everything’s peachy?” Shouldn’t it not be trashed and have him sitting there as an armchair? Is that really all that gave him away? I’d look at this and be like, “This was staged.” No house would look like this after a raid. It looks like this after thirty years of hoarders, a murder-suicide, and ten years of squatters. And maybe a frat party or two.

Also, this goes back to that configuration comment Colin had in Chamber of Secrets. He’s completely wearing clothes, and the exact clothes that the chair looked like. I don’t remember Peter Pettigrew wearing a suit as a rat.

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The Death Eaters have been trying to recruit him for a year. After a while, they stop trying to recruit you with kindness and do it with force. He’s moving from place to place each week and doing this to keep them from looking too closely.

(Just like Lana Turner.)

Dumbledore says they should put shit back for the muggles.

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Six movies in and you’re still in awe of things? Motherfucker you just SAW AN ARMCHAIR TURN INTO A PERSON! What happened to “I just sort of go with it”?!

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“That was fun.”

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“Do you mind if I use the loo?”

Potential autobiography title.

(Also, why does that painting look like an invisible man holding a handgun?)

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Awkward conversation.

“You’re very like your father, you know. Except the eyes, of course. You have…”

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“My mother’s eyes, yeah.”

I love that even Harry is like, “All right, with the fucking eyes, I get it. Always with the fucking eyes.”

Colin:

“Christ, is there anyone my mom DIDN’T sleep with?”

Snape:

:(

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Slughorn talks about how bright Lily was, especially considering she was muggle-born. (I love the hint of racism in that statement.) Harry says one of his best friends is muggle born, and she’s bright too. And Slughorn’s like, “Nah, nah, I ain’t prejudiced. Your mother was one of my favorite students.” (But you are prejudiced.)

Colin:

Oh, he’s one of those racists. Posing as respectable, but making sweeping statements about minorities.

Like Donald Trump, who has “a great relationship with the blacks.”

Well, I guess Slughorn had a great relationship with most of the Blacks.

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He’s even got her picture, because that’s not a creepy thing to do at all.

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How come we don’t really see any fat wizards? Where’s the Big Red of wizards? We don’t see those people.

(There’s a werewolf joke in here somewhere, isn’t there?)

(To the four people who know what we’re talking about right now, I should add.)

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He’s got all famous alums in his little “club.” (I’m curious to see if they actually call it the Slug Club in the movie or not. I forget whether or not they address it directly.) The editor of the Daily Prophet, the captain of the Hollyhead Harpies. (Is Hollyhead the wizarding equivalent of what I think it is?)

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“Ah yes. Regulus Black.”

AKA, “Ah yes. We have shit to set up.”

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“His brother Sirius died a few weeks ago.”

Way up on people relations, are you, Horace?

Also — weeks ago?

That means Harry was gonna use that chick as a rebound and hate fuck her because he’s so depressed about Sirius? That’s fucked up, Dumbledore. Let the straights have their fun.

(Also, “You’ve been reckless this summer, Harry.” Lot different when you realize it’s been like, three weeks.)

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“Horace? Do you mind if I take this? I do love knitting patterns.”

What’s funny about this is that between the last movie and this one, it came out that Dumbledore was gay, so they did just about everything they could to up the gay quotient here and blatantly incorporated this line.

(Also, is J.K. Rowling on that magazine cover?)

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Also, Dumbledore was just shitting. Just wanted you all to know that.

(You think he wiped with the poison hand?)

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Look at that robe!

Anyway, Dumbledore’s like, “Well, we should be leaving now. It seems you’re definitely not coming back to Hogwarts at all, so I won’t waste my time.”

Just ours, huh, Albus?

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“All right, I’ll do it.”

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I love his demands, too. “I want Professor Merrythorpe’s old office. Not the watercloset I had before. And I want a raise.” Might as well, when you have the leverage.

Should have asked for a couple of seventh years to keep around, “for fun.”

I bet Dumbledore would be like, “Horace, you know that’d be cutting into Professor Flitwick’s stock.”

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Dumbledore explains that Slughorn covets famous wizards. Dumbledore used Harry to entice Slughorn to return.

I didn’t know they recruited professors the way Danny Ocean recruited heist members.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Wizard heists

Also… Harry Potter TV series idea: Recruiting

Dumbledore explains that it’s “crucial” Slughorn return. No idea why, really. But at least they explained something. We actually know nothing to the point where it’s staggering. Why is it that when they don’t explain shit in the book, they explain it even less in the movies?

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“I fear I may have stolen a wondrous night from you, Harry.”

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(That smile.)

“She was, truthfully, very pretty. The girl.”

Who else would he be talking about? The old woman? Or did he just throw that in like, “She was quite attractive… for a lady. He he he”?

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“Meh, I’ll go back tomorrow. I just put the pussy on layaway, that’s all.”

“Oh, you won’t be going back.”

“You won’t be going back — *zip* — ever.”

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And Harry’s like, “What about Hedwig? And my trunk?”

WHAT ABOUT THAT FINE BITCH AT THE COFFEE SHOP? Fuck the owl, that shit always manages to end up at Hogwarts. You gotta go back to that coffee shop and swish and flick that vertical smile.

Dumbledore’s like, “Your shit is waiting for you.”

SO WAS THE GIRL AT THE COFFEE SHOP YOU MAGICAL COCKBLOCKER!

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“God damn it…”

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Of course Dumbledore just drops him off on his own and flies off to go cruising. Because who gives a fuck what Harry wants?

Colin:

How does this work? Dumbledore had to apparate him, but Harry arrives alone. Thanks for dropping me in a swamp. Dumbledore’s made the shit list pretty early in this one.

Dumbledore wouldn’t be caught dead in these backwoods. You know what they do to his kind round here?

“You’ve got a purdy wand…”

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Ha ha. He’s gonna fuck her.

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Oh god. How fucking thick can you lay it on? You literally just stopped him and Hermione last movie and now you’re gonna speed into this?

Now I remember why I hate this movie (in context).

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“Hedwig…”

That means the dick’s not far behind.

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“What is it, Ginny? It better not be about batteries again. You went through like eight of them in the past week.”

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“No, I wanted to know when Harry got here. Maybe if you told me earlier, it might have saved some batteries.”

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“What? Harry? Harry who?”

(Harry who? Are you fucking serious, Molly? He’s at your house more than Percy is!)

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“Harry Potter, of course.”

She’s thinking about the dick even as she says it.

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“I think I’d know it if Harry Potter were in my house, wouldn’t I?”

Do you even know where your children are?

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“Did someone say Harry?”

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”Is that an owl I heard?”

I love that she lives there too.

Harry who… what the fuck is that?

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Ginny’s really interested where the dick is at.

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Ah, there he is.

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Uh huh. Remember when she was terrified of him three movies ago? Remember when that was what Hermione did when she saw him ONE movie ago? Remember when they shoehorned this in out of nowhere?

Colin:

We’re just on the edge of what I’ve been waiting to complain about all along, which is how — especially in the books — Ginny is nothing to Harry for the longest time, and then all of a sudden, they turn her into that “it’s-always-been-you” kind of girl.

I think that might have been because the movies didn’t know where it was going beforehand because then Rowling kept everything super secretive, so they just sort of went and did their own thing, and then when the last two books came out, they went and 180’d it. But even so — it’s really noticeable how they reverse course out of nowhere. You have to go with it more than you ought to just to believe it.

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What are you all awkward about? You’ve known her for SIX YEARS!

Colin:

I guess you’ve already forgotten about that fine muggle you were trying to get with not ten minutes ago.

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Look at them titties.

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Now that’s more like it.

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Bring on the hugs.

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I think they’ve finally evened out.

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Oh, right, the shoehorning never stops.

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She’s got a bit of jizz – right there.

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Colin:

Notice how some things are arbitrarily magical and other things aren’t. Wizards brush their teeth. Don’t you think something that mundane would be relegated to a charm? Or at least an enchantment that brushed your teeth for you?

But that’s something that’s not inherently magic. That’s just about being a person.

Also, why would you want a toothbrush to magically do that for you? That’s creepy to me. I don’t want something rooting around in my mouth (oh god… why did I start this sentence? Fuck it, in for a penny, in for a pound) without complete control of where it’s going and what it’s doing. (Wow, that didn’t end well at all.)

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Apparently Molly approves. (?)

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…maybe not.

(What the fuck just happened here?)

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Are they that poor that they have to light fires with newspaper? YOU LIVE IN THE FUCKING WOODS!

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Everyone’s worried. They don’t know if they should be going back to Hogwarts.

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There’s been a lot of talk recently… Dumbledore’s getting up there in age, and…

“What is he?”

“A hundred and fifty, give or take a few years?”

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Colin:

Haha! People are old! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Is this the equivalent of the “sitting around and smoking pot” scene? Is that what this is supposed to have been? (Also, why is the door open? This is an Irish Catholic family. Eight people in three bedrooms. Wouldn’t you close the door to give the illusion of privacy?)

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Oh… right.

That just reminded me – they totally cut out the first scene of the book, the two ministers meeting.

Which is why Rufus Scrimgeour is currently Minister of Magic, and we don’t meet him for another goddamn movie.

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And it also made me think – why would you have this scene now? Wouldn’t you lead with this?

Colin:

It’s raining. We must be in England.

I guess she’s not happy to see you.

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“Sissy, you do this. He can’t be trusted.”

“The Dark Lord trusts him.”

“The Dark Lord’s mistaken!”

Bellatrix said that, by the way. That’s pretty interesting.

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What do you think they were like, growing up?

It gives off the illusion that Narcissa was always the type to have a stable, long-term relationship, and Bellatrix was the type t bang dudes on the hoods of pickup trucks, but I don’t know.

I’m really curious to see what they were like as teenagers.

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And why wouldn’t you start with this, again?

What the fuck did those other two scenes accomplish?

You can start with this, show that, and then get to Harry. Because, if you follow it up with Harry, immediately after the vow, then you make everyone think he’s going to kill Harry.

Weird how I fix shit by just thinking.

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What an asshole. I love how he’s the reason Voldemort is even here, and he’s basically treated like an asshole and no one likes him.

That’s funny to me.

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Oh, snap…e!

I remember when this happened in the book, it was a huge deal. Here it’s just like, “All right, this is marginally interesting.” Since in the movies, it was all built up like, “Nah, Snape’s okay.” And now it’s like, “Oh, he might not be okay. But he’s kind of okay…”

(Nice way to do it, though, with the paper flip.)

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Nice house, though.

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Narcissa has a problem.

(What up Helen McCrory?)

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“Put it down, Bella, we mustn’t touch what isn’t ours.”

He calls her Bella? That’s pretty terrific and deeply disturbing at the same time.

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She’s awesome.

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“As it happens, I’m aware of your situation.”

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“You? The Dark Lord told you?”

(Even they don’t call him Voldemort? What the fuck is the point of having a name when no one says it?)

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Snape’s like, “Oh, you don’t believe me. That’s cute. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”

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He also says he can help Draco.

(Helen McCrory plays this part as though she’s a politician’s wife. The kind whose husband is cheating on her, her son is a fuck up, and she puts on that public face despite it.)

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“Swear to it. Make the Unbreakable Vow.”

I love that she’s all over this. I remember when the scene happened in the book, she was all over it too. Like, “Nah, nah, even if you aren’t lying about being on Dumbledore’s side, you need to do this shit.”

Colin:

That’s serious, too. Like when you pinky swear and seal it.

“Circle, circle, pow, pow, I make the Unbreakable Vow.”

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“It’s just empty words. He’ll give it his best effort, but when it matters most, he’ll just slither back into his hole.”

(They fucked, didn’t they? That’s what this is about? This relationship between the two of them is awesome. That’s how you build backstory out of nothing. Two pros.)

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“Coward!”

I love how she says it. Completely baiting him.

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“Take our your wand.”

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Oh, you weren’t expecting that shit, was ya?

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This is like a wizard pre-nup, isn’t it?

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He’s gonna help Draco, protect him –

(In sickness and in health.)

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And he’s gonna do the deed if Draco cannot.

(As long as you both shall live.)

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“I will.”

(*Mike takes a small bow*)

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She’s kinda turned on right now.

Colin:

This Unbreakable Vow thing is a little freaky, cause if he breaks it, he dies. She makes him promise to protect Draco from harm, to the best of his ability. Does that mean if Draco chokes on a pumpkin pasty, he has to give him the Heimlich?

The freaky part is that it’s the spell that judges whether or not Snape’s lived up to the promise. I don’t like the idea of making a rather open-ended promise and leaving it to magic to determine whether or not I’ve kept it. Does magic have a personality? How does it judge? Is it based on some fundamental theory of ethics? If so, do we know what it is?

Magical Judge Judy.

That is weird, though. Because if Draco randomly gets eaten by a dragon on the way to class, and Snape had no way of knowing it was going to happen and it’s just a freak accident, technically he held up his end of the bargain. But it is weird that the vague notion of “magic” is what’s deciding whether or not he’s living up to his part of the agreement.

Though maybe it’s just some kind of internal thing. Since there is that “bond” glowing thingy around their wrists. Maybe it’s like Pettigrew and the hand. The hand was like, “Nuh uh, you owe this fuck a life, you don’t get to kill him now.” That would make sense to me, since, in a way, it’s internal, rather than this external thing that’s controlling shit.

This is why people have problems with religion and The Force.

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They have their own business already. That’s a pretty quick turnaround, a couple of weeks. Especially considering they don’t really have the start-up capital in-family.

Colin:

Why would the statue outside the joke shop operate like that, with hinged parts and mechanical movements? We see that solid objects, when enchanted, move as normal. I assume this is running on magic, and not electricity anyway.

It looks like something from the set of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

Also, here’s the big question about this shop — how are they making rent? A lot of the shit we’ve seen in this economy seems as though it’s orchestrated around the idea that children are the primary consumers. Are there really adults who are like, “You know… I really need to call out of work tomorrow… let me go get a candy that turns my chin into a fucking beanbag.” Or, “I really want to go fuck that secretary in HR, let me get a little love potion. And maybe some darkness powder so no one sees us in the broom closet”?

It’s weird how we see so little shit in this wizard economy geared toward anyone over the age of like, 20.

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What does that thing do?

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Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder. Real handy when you need a plot device for later on.

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Love potions. They really work, apparently.

(Love the pink light.)

(Honestly, if you want to make me a fan of your movie, use colored lights. Practicals. No one does that.)

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“Then again, Sis, the way we hear it, you’re doing just fine on your own.”

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“Meaning?”

Meaning you’re a fucking skank.

Put more succinctly:

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“Are you not currently dating Dean Thomas?”

What’s wrong with Dean? He seems like one of the legit cool people she could be dating.

Though Dean always did strike me as the “hit it and quit it” type.

I guess you can’t judge a black by its cover.

Colin:

I object to this relationship – not because Dean’s black but because…really, Dean? A ginger?

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“It’s none of your business.”

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So what exactly was the connotation here? That he was gonna use it on her or that he wanted her to use it on him?

Because he looks like one of those guys who has a roofie guy.

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“How much is this?”

“Five galleons.”

“How much for me?”

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“Five galleons.”

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“I’m your brother.”

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“Ten galleons.”

Well played.

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Still amazing to me how they KNOW that Ron ends up with Hermione and yet they still always have Harry next to her in shots.

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“Hey, Ron.”

She want the dick.

Colin:

Really? A ginger?

I love that they randomly have like, a 26-year-old at the register.

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Now that’s awesome.

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Oh, that’s Diagon Alley. For some reason I thought the opening attack was entirely on muggles. Way to have shit make sense. Maybe establish the environment a little bit.

Seriously, I didn’t realize until we got here that the opening scene went muggle, Diagon Alley, muggle. I didn’t even make the connection with the bricks, since it makes no sense that they’d start on the muggle side, then go over to the wizarding side, then come back. Also, why would you break through the wall? Diagon Alley is outside. You can just fly from overhead. None of it makes any sense anyway, so it must have been for the audience to recognize where they were going. Good job with that one, assholes.

This right there explains at least part of my problem with this movie.

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And here we find out the person they abducted at the beginning was Ollivander.

That sucks. John Hurt is awesome. Don’t fuck up his shop. He’s like a wand savant.

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Oh, they see Draco. Let’s follow.

(Does Draco not see them through the giant holes in the window? It’s one thing if they’re inside and maybe obscured by shit, but there’s no storefront there at all, and they’re just standing like, ten feet away from these people, looking at them, with like, six planks of wood in front of them, spaced out.)

Colin:

Have we ever been to Diagon Alley and NOT seen Malfoy? Not only are no people in the wizarding world, but they all shop in the same place. I think there are fewer people in the wizarding world than there are in my neighborhood in Tokyo.

(Colin’s neighborhood in Tokyo is just him, three old ladies and one weird guy named Hiroki who shouts weird things in his underwear out in the square every day.)

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Is it me or is this movie feel like it’s just sort of motoring along? You think it’s because of the dark tone, or the ridiculously bad storytelling?

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Oh, that’s right. Our only mention of Fenrir Greyback, despite him being set up as a foe to Lupin. I remember reading that, Lupin telling Harry that Greyback is the one who turned him into a werewolf, and thinking. “Oh yeah, they’re gonna have a showdown at the end.” And nah… nothing. The movie just glosses over him entirely. In the book, it’s like, “You better watch the fuck out. He’ll rape and dismember you, Hermione.” And I was thinking, “Oh man, this guy’s gonna be a nice bad guy to come later.” But no… nothing. Not even when we find out he turned Bill into a werewolf too. They even turn him into a bit of a bitch in the next one, but we’ll get there.

Missed opportunity, I feel. I remember thinking he was gonna be this real evil fuck in the book, but then nothing. Nothing but a lot of talk and a scratch.

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Nice cinematography, though. Pretty sure this was nominated that year.

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He can smell your cunt. They all can.

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You wanna know how fucked up my brain is and how deep I am into movies? I saw this shot and immediately was like, “This looks like that bunker set in Saving Private Ryan when they drop down into it, shoot the guys running out and then flamethrower the inside.” This is what happens when I watch movies.

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Colin:

I think this was brought up in the Philosopher’s Stone articles, but there are so many places in this universe that look awful. This place has dirty windows, a roof with holes in it, it’s dusty, there are cobwebs everywhere…what the hell is with this? We just watched Dumbledore repair and tidy a place that looked like Kosovo in about six seconds with a single flick of the wand. I find it hard to believe that any place would look like this, unless they specifically wanted it to look that way.

And what does it say about you if you want that? You can be evil and like darkness and stuff and still have a clean place. These people must show up to clean places and say, “Let’s cobweb this place up a bit.”

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Hey, remember that place that showed up once in the second movie? Yeah!

I love that this is pretty much all we know about in Knockturn Alley. Nothing else.

The rest of it’s probably just like this quiet little suburb, and it just has a bad name because it’s a seedy neighborhood.

You’d assume there are a lot of whorehouses and stuff there. The kind of place sailors hang out. But I bet there are some quiet spots there. I mean, Hagrid goes down there to get some vaguely black market shit. I imagine that’s the place you can go to get a decent dice game. Buy some fucked up shit. All kinds of different breast milks. “Oh, shit, gurl, is that a Unicorn dildo?” “Mmhmm. Picked it up at Knockturn Alley last week.”

I’m actually curious to know what the rest of Knockturn Alley is like outside of this one place. This is really all we get to see of this place.

Colin:

I’m interested in what it must be like going through the loan application process to start a small business in Knockturn Alley. Going into Gringotts with your nice clothes on, meeting the goblin loan manager. “So, what exactly do you plan to sell in this shop of yours in…Knockturn Alley?” “You know…evil shit.”

Oh, another thing I was curious about, that apparently didn’t go anywhere — I thought for a second she named the place after something — since I figured Burke was from Burke and Hare and that Borgin would be something. But apparently not. I google searched Borgin and all I got were references to this.

I did get a lead on Borgin’s courier, though…

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HOW DO YOU NOT SEE SOMEONE MOVING RIGHT OVER THERE?! There’s actually NO ONE ELSE around.

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Is this a Stonemasons meeting? Why they being all secretive and shit? Isn’t this just a regular shop? Can’t you just walk in like it’s nothing? What are there, cockfights in the back or something? Are they gonna go back there and there’s gonna be a Chinaman with an eye patch and a visor holding House Elf Russian Roulette matches? Why so secretive?

Harry Potter TV series idea: House Elf Russian Roulette

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Accio how the fuck did you get up on that roof so quickly?

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So that’s how it is in their family.

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I love the little shack that’s just there.

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That look.

Where the fuck is that thing gonna end up later?

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Luna!

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“They’ve been known to sing on Boxing Day, you know.”

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Oh, it’s totally not me. It’s the movie. This writing is ridiculous.

“What was Draco doing with that weird-looking cabinet? And who were all those people? Don’t you see? It was a ceremony. An initiation.”

That’s awful writing. I can’t even make fun of this shit because they’re speeding through it so fast and not showing us anything worthwhile. I knew there was a reason this was fighting with Chamber of Secrets for my least favorite movie.

Harry thinks Draco is a Death Eater.

Also notice how they’re sitting on the same side now. I have problems with almost everything in this movie but the cinematography.

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Like I said, the cinematography.

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This looks like Jesse and Frank are about to hold it up.

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Nice suit, Draco.

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Peruvian Darkness Powder. Fuck you, screenplay.

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SMOKE BOMB!

Anyway, the smoke clears and people are like, “Huh… must be some first years.”

You know what that logic is? The logic of a random guard during a raid sequence or a video game level.

“Huh? What was that? Sounds like something moved over there. Let me come all the way to the front of the frame, just round the corner from where someone is hiding and take a look. … … … oh, well, I can’t see anyone. Must have been a bird or some shit.”

Motherfucker, how about you try a little harder than just coming up with a rationalization and shrugging it off?

This is why I will only die from ninjas, alcohol poisoning or “the elements.” Or “mysterious circumstances.” That’s another good one.

Also, this is what Colin wrote in his notes (about a different moment, mind you, but still):

Colin:

Ever notice how whenever someone in a movie hides from the sight of a bad guy, the bad guy looks around for a few seconds, and then the person always comes out of hiding once it’s safe, even though they can’t see what’s going on. This always bothers me. Happened in The Untouchables with the assassin outside Connery’s window. Connery looks out, so he backs off, and then he goes right back to the window. What if Connery had been just standing there, staring at the window?

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Draco’s like, “Fuck Hogwarts. I’d throw myself off the Astronomy Tower if I thought I had to continue for another two years.”

Which will be funny in like, two hours.

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What happened to Crabbe and Goyle? Now it’s nameless slampiece and token black guy.

Would it be a bad thing if I started calling them Trophy and Token?

Colin:

This is Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini. They’ve both been around, especially Pansy. Blaise is interesting because his mother has been widowed seven times under mysterious circumstances, leaving them fabulously wealthy. You know, guys…fool me once, shame on you. Fool me seven times…

But yeah, Trophy and Token.

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Really, Harry? You have a fucking invisibility cloak! How about you NOT go where there’s shit up on the rack?

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At least Draco’s not a fucking idiot.

Just a little bitch. (Most of the time. Which isn’t entirely his fault. He’s just written that way.)

Colin:

Right, because it’s suspicious when something jiggles a little big on the luggage rack of a speeding train. 

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The Assassination of Albus Dumbledore by the Coward Severus Snape

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“You two go on ahead. I want to check something out.”

Only good can follow this line.

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From Hogwarts with Love.

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YES!

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DOUBLE YES!

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Oh, this motherfucker just got real good.

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“Didn’t mommy ever tell you it was rude to eavesdrop, Potter?”

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Petrificus Totalus.

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For once, Draco wins.

Colin:

This is Malfoy being competent, or at least more competent than we usually give him credit for being. Really, Harry? You got on the luggage rack and then didn’t move at all?

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I would hate to be a woman at a frat party in this universe.

That’s all I’m gonna say.

The wizarding world is not set up well for women.

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CURB STOMP!

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Gonna need a bit more than an Oculus Reparo there.

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That vein looks kind of like a lightning bolt.

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And he covers him back up!

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This is Draco’s shining moment.

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I love the idea that the train will just take him back to London and he’ll have no way of getting back to Hogwarts. Like he doesn’t have a broom or something that could take him. Or there aren’t wizard cabs (or BUSES) that he could call. Or that there isn’t some kind of other route to get there. (No wizarding Chunnel or anything?)

Also, how long does Petrificus Totalus last?

Does he have to call his doctor after four hours?

But I love that idea. He’ll just leave him there, he’ll go back on the train, and that’s that. Obviously people won’t wonder where he is or go looking for him. They’ll just go, “Oh, well, he must be off with some first years,” and shrug it off. But I love that it’s just assumed that once he goes back on the Hogwarts Express, that’s it. No coming back. Because you know we all instinctively had that thought when we read this the first time. “Oh shit, once that train leaves, he’s fucked.” No. Pay the people to bring the train back. It’s a fucking train. It’s job is to go back and forth. You have a vault full of gold. I’m sure they don’t have all that much to do. There’s not exactly a schedule to keep. And if there is — take the next one back! But I love how we all just kind of went with, “Oh no — this isn’t good.” I don’t know what that’s all about that we just naturally do that.

Colin:

At first, I was thinking, “Why the hell wouldn’t he steal the cloak?” But it makes sense to put it back over Harry and send him back to London. I guess he’d make his way back to Hogwarts, but knowing Harry, he wouldn’t say anything about it being Malfoy’s fault. I don’t know why, but whenever someone does something wrong, you can trust Harry to keep it to himself, the prick.

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I love how he walks away here. Draco is a badass right now.

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Oh, I’m trippin’ off acid.

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Is this Enter the Void?

Harry Potter TV series idea… (Holy fucking shit, that has to happen.)

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Remember when she wasn’t wearing those like five minutes ago?

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Rackspurts.

(This sounds like something your OBGYN would say you had.)

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Do they ever explain why she was walking the train? Is she train monitor or something?

Also, here’s another question — shouldn’t the employees walk through the train once it’s stopped to make sure everyone gets off? Isn’t that how trains work? Someone walks through to make sure there aren’t people sleeping or trying to stay on or something? Wouldn’t someone find him that way? I know there’s the invisibility cloak thing, but presumably when you walk through a train, you check every seat, all the way back. Someone would trip over him and go, “Oh, hey, there’s a body here.” What kind of Fung Wah service is this?

Colin:

There’s so such thing as Fung Wah service unless you count lice.

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Colin:

Turns out that when all is said and done, Luna’s dumb glasses are just as good as Moody’s eye.

Yeah, what happened to him? Why isn’t he one of the aurors providing security for the school? Why isn’t he in this movie at all?

(Also, isn’t Tonks the one that finds him in the books?)

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Now there’s a way to make sure your man (or woman) goes down on you, ladies.

(Oh please, like none of you had that thought.)

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That’s a badass shot.

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“Sorry I made you miss the carriages, Luna.”

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“That’s all right. It was like being with a friend.”

She’s so awesome.

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Colin:

This is the part where Mike says he’s the baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts. And he is.

Flilius Flitwick (baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts) has been looking all over for them.

(Dare I say it?)

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“Names?”

“Professor Flitwick, you’ve known me for five years.”

(Motherfucker, he ain’t got time to learn names. Just ask all his bitches.)

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“Who are those people?”

Security.

Aurors.

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Flitwick secures up the gates, though.

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Fucks UP that fly.

Colin:

Look at that — he sets the charm once they’re in, and it zaps the bug! Does it do that to humans? I doubt it. So it’s a charm that repels humans and zaps bugs. Ingenious.

Kinda does that to humans too, as we find out in two movies. (Though we do see it repel one of those flying black cloud things they have at one point. So it’s kind of a gray area as to when it kills and when it repels.)

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Filch is all on about Draco’s cane. Snape vouches for Draco. Which is weird and normal at the same time. Why would Filch be going on about a cane? Remember when he was on an Inquisitorial Squad with Malfoy LAST YEAR? How do you suddenly not trust him like that?

At least with the other movies, the logic problems were on Rowling. Here it’s entirely on the writing.

Also, it’s a cane. His father has a cane. Pimps have canes. Some people have canes that unscrew and have alcohol in them. Canes are awesome.

Filch is just upset because he can’t do magic.

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I really like the lighting choices in this movie. It gets better in the next two. There are some shots in those that you almost can’t see what’s going on because it’s so dark. That’s pretty great.

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Luna’s gonna fix his nose.

“Personally I think you look a bit more ‘devil-may-care’ this way, but, it’s up to you.”

I love her.

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He asks if she’s ever fixed a nose before, and she says, “No, but I’ve done several toes. But how different are they, really?”

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“How do I look?”

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“Exceptionally ordinary.”

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The candles.

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If it’s not breakfast, are they ever not eating something sweet in this place?

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Oh, thank you, Hermione’s reactions, bringing me back into the franchise as I remember it.

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“Will you stop eating?”

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“Your best friend is missing.”

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“He’s right there!”

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Again — which person is worried?

Old habits die hard, I guess.

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“He’s covered in blood again. Why is it he’s always covered in blood?”

You know – that’s a great line, but that’s a real poor choice of whom to give it to.

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They added the touch of the owl spreading its wings when he walks to the podium.

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Ginny, where is your hand going?

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Oh, that was his hand.

Oh, she was holding the rag to his nose.

Jesus Christ, this is as subtle as a dick in the ass.

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That one kid in the middle is my favorite kid ever.

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Colin:

Now it’s time to find out what poor bastard is joining the teaching staff and will be either killed, fired, or publicly humiliated by the end of the year.

First, Dumbs introduces Slughorn. He’s going back to his own potions job.

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Jesus, this looks like the end of Amadeus.

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And Snape finally gets the Defense Against the Dark Arts job.

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“What the fuck?”

This is that moment of, “Wait, I thought the joke was that we knew he was never gonna get it. Why is he actually getting it?”

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I’m still wondering why they choose to introduce Pansy now. That’s another complete shift out of nowhere.

(Also, this shot tells you exactly how their sex goes.)

Colin:

All the Slytherins are clapping – I just assume that by now they’re all evil, so maybe they think that Snape will be teaching dark magic rather than how to defend against it?

I have a great relationship with the Slytherins.

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This shit looks crisp.

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(Side note: The guy who shot this is the guy who was the DP on Amélie and A Very Long Engagement and Across the Universe.)

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Dumbledore explains why they’ve been searched.

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It has something to do with Voldemort, but it makes no sense.

(Goddamn, look at this shot.)

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As he looks at them all, he’s reminded of one thing –

“Hey, hey, hey, hey — smoke weed every day.”

“Every minute, dark forces try to get into the castle.”

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“But in the end, their greatest weapon – is you.”

Remember when Dumbledore’s shit used to be mysterious? Now you know exactly what he’s talking about.

Colin:

“I believe the children are our future…”

He’s saying that they’re Voldemort’s best chance at success, and then he tells them to piss off cause who likes children?

And that’s where we’ll END PART I.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II and booze. There’s some other shit too, but… whatever.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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4 responses

  1. Jake

    Forks is a really town. Just saying.

    May 6, 2013 at 6:19 pm

  2. Jake

    I’m just sticking up for my girl.

    May 7, 2013 at 4:23 pm

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