Fun with Franchises: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009), Part II — “Orphans Should Never Be Given Powers”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

In case you don’t know how this works — after doing a couple of trial runs without realizing it (Disney movies, Bond movies), I realized that I really enjoyed going through movies frame by frame, commenting on them and cracking jokes like I would if I was sitting around watching them with friends. So I decided to make it a feature on the site and enlisted my friend Colin to help (since it’s better when you have another person to play off). None of this is meant to be any real in-depth analysis. We’re just doing it for comedy and parody purposes. We’re basically just doing what we would normally when talking about this stuff, which I’m sure are versions of the same conversations most people have.

And of course, if you’re gonna do something called Fun with Franchises… you kinda have to franchise it. So we scribbled down a handful of franchises we knew we’d have the most fun going over, and that’s what you’re about to see. This is all done out of love and purely for the benefit of entertainment.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Harry Potter franchise, and today is the second part of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

We begin Part II in the halls of the castle, between classes.

I bet we all forget they actually teach here.

MAGGIE!

They’re making fun of first-years. (Which is exactly what I’d be doing.)

Maggie disapproves.

Harry says it’s okay, he had a free period this morning.

“I haven’t had one of those in twenty years.”

She says he should probably go take potions, since he does want to become an Auror.

He thought he needed to get Outstanding on his O.W.L. in order to take potions again.

“So you did – when Professor Snape was teaching potions. However, Professor Slughorn is perfectly happy to accept N.E.W.T. students with Exceeds Expectations.”

Two things – first – does this mean that they actually finished their O.W.L.s? How does that work with Charms, exactly? Was that the last one? Had they already taken the rest? Did they have to take that one over, or are they just squashing it and assuming they all passed? Also, how come Harry pronounces “O.W.L.” as an acronym and Maggie says “newt” for N.E.W.T.?

And how about explaining what the fuck that means? Do you really think a 50-year-old is gonna know what the fuck N.E.W.T. means? They just speed through it like we all know, but given how they’ve explained so many things here, why would they choose now to just throw out some jargon some people haven’t heard? Keep this in mind. I want you to remember it when I bring up something similar in Deathly Hallows Part 2.

“Brilliant. I’ll head there straight away.”

“Take Weasley with you, he looks far too happy over there.”

I love her.

The shots in this movie are gorgeous.

Also, does this mean Ron got Exceeds Expectations on his O.W.L. too?

Potions time.

Colin:

You know that Dumbledore told McGonagall about this and set it all up, since he needs Harry in that class. Too bad for Ron, though. He has to go because Maggie Smith doesn’t want kids having too much fun. That said, what the hell were they doing? You have a free period, so you stand on a bench and laugh at people going by? Don’t you have GTA San Andreas to play or something? That’s what Mike and I did on free periods. And when we had class, for that matter.

So much to say here.

First — I never actually thought about Dumbledore setting that one up. I always felt like it was more of Slughorn wanting to teach Harry. Plus, it just sort of fit with the two characters. Of course Snape would make you get top marks on your O.W.L. in order to take advanced potions, and Slughorn seems like a guy who’s more relaxed about that sort of thing. I always figured, if it was anyone’s doing, it was Slughorn’s. But even then, it feels like one of those things where it just worked out. I really never even considered that Dumbledore would be behind it. Mostly because it seems like he lets the teachers do their own thing. So I don’t see how he could make sure Slughorn had a certain requirement level. But either way, really.

Colin:

I just assumed. It’s probably a coincidence that Slughorn has a lower prereq than Snape did, but I thought it made sense that McGonagall would be making sure Harry knew that, as Dumbledore’s proxy. He’s not saying shit explicitly, just pointing Harry in the right direction, sort of like when he suggests they save Buckbeak without actually saying so. It’s like, “Hint, hint, motherfucker!”

That said, why do professors get to decide who can take their class at a certain level? That’s fucked up. I can see why Slughorn would want to be more lenient — there are probably people he wants to “collect” that aren’t amazing at Potions. Being limited in access to students by the subject he teaches, he should want to make the requirements as loose as possible so he can have anyone in class. 

Also, it’s kind of weird how Maggie knows exactly what they got on their potions O.W.L.s. Do the heads of the houses know exactly what their students get on their exams? You have to figure Hogwarts has a base figure of 400-500 students, right? Looking at those Great Hall wide shots, you have to figure at least 100 kids in each house, and that’s being lenient and skewing lower. It seems about a hundred kids a year (after deaths and drop outs and expulsions and things like that) — that’s what that original group from the first movie looked like — sorted over four houses. So you figure 25-30 kids per year. And each fifth year takes, what, five or six O.W.L.s? You mean to tell me, that out of a base figure of at least 125 different test scores (and that’s assuming she’s only keeping track of the previous fifth years and isn’t keeping track of the older kids’ scores for college applications and stuff — which, more on that in a second), she’s able to pull two random ones? Is she a numbers savant? Can she count toothpicks? Did she used to work for a bookie? How does she know both Harry’s and Ron’s potions O.W.L. score (not to mention knowing the exact potions class he can take is being taught right now)? Maybe you were right about Dumbledore having a hand in this. That’s kind of a lot of random information to just have at the ready.

Colin:

This is the craziest part. Remember when we discussed this before in an earlier film? Rowling stated that Hogwarts has about 1000 students. That’s like 140 per class, and around 36 for each grade of a house. Apparently, the normal O.W.L. schedule has nine exams, which means a single house of fifth-years take approximately 324 single exams. 

Or, actually… I see in one of the reverse shots up there that she has a sheet of paper with all the information on it. Which renders that entire paragraph moot. (But I’ll leave it there, in case there is something to it. And because I’m lazy and also don’t care about hiding my mistakes.)

However it did take me down an interesting avenue that I’m curious about — these kids graduate Hogwarts at 17. So it’s basically a combination middle school and high school. Which, I’m pretty sure that’s how they do that in England, right? But whatever. It’s basically middle school and high school. So what about wizarding college? They have to have that, right? You can choose to go on to attain a higher wizarding education for yourself, right? They’re not gonna send you to muggle school for college. (Or are they?) There has to be wizard college.

Colin:

First thing I’ll say — that paper could have been the schedule, cause those are issued new every week and it would be weird for Maggie to know about the Potions class off the top of her head. As for wizard college, there’s talk about certain wizards who have done “further study,” but it sounds very medieval, where you don’t go to a degree-granting institution; you just read books and try shit and drop stuff off the top of buildings to test gravity. Even Dumbledore had no formal education between leaving Hogwarts and returning as the Transfiguration professor. You’re done at 17 or 18, in most cases.

And like I said before — there must be some sort of wizard college application process. Common App and essays and shit, right? (Harry Potter TV series idea…) Which must be interesting as hell for all the seventh years. They must have to decide what they want to do with their lives there. Otherwise what else would they do? They can’t just go right out into the work force, can they? (Or, I guess they can. Doesn’t Percy work for Fudge by Goblet or something? So I guess you can just get a job at 18.)

But the real interesting thought I had about that from earlier was — say there are wizard colleges and there is an application process — Maggie has to be the Gryffindor advisor, right? She must be the guidance counselor for them. And Snape must be for Slytherin, Sprout for Hufflepuff and Flitwick for Ravenclaw. Which is just a great thought, these people sitting there, looking at grades and talking to them about where they’re thinking about applying and such. That entire useless paragraph was worth it just for that one idea.

Colin:

Absolutely. But everyone seems to get jobs right off. Or at least, anyone we hear from. Hermione is the only one of the three to even finish at Hogwarts, but after that, even she gets a job with the Ministry. There must be SOMETHING like college, but nobody seems to go.

Slughorn was expecting Harry.

Lavender want the dick.

Colin:

Neville does too, apparently.

Harry don’t have a book. Neither does Ron. No matter, grab one from the cupboard.

Shit, if this were Snape, they’d have been hung outside the window by their ankles.

Anyway, Sluggy wants to know who can identify the potions he made.

I think we’ve settled back into our natural rhythms. This is good.

Lavender’s like, “You cunt.” And Neville has no idea what’s going on. He’s thinking about plants and shit.

Neville Longbottom – gillyweed dealer.

Also who the fuck is THAT behind Malfoy? Is that Crabbe? Holy fuck.

This is like when the Joker had his “tryouts.”

Colin:

I love when people do that. Death struggle over something, and the second it’s decided, they brush themselves off and the loser looks at what he’s got. Although, usually it’s with hookups and not books. 

Anyway, this potion is the most powerful love potion in the world. It smells differently to each person, depending on what attracts them.

For example, she smells pineapple, Newports, dryer sheets and horse flesh.

Or freshly mowed grass, new parchment and spearmint toothpaste.

“What? What happened, I blacked out.”

Colin:

Oh, she likes that spearmint. She just gave herself away in front of the whole class. You roll up on her with some grass clippings in your pockets, a fresh roll of parchment in your hand, chewing some Wrigley’s…you’re getting LAID, son.

Slugsy explains that it’s the most dangerous potion in the room, since it can cause obsession.

Apparently it only affects women.

Colin:

Isn’t it funny how every time there’s a love potion or something, Rowling has all the girls being excited and eying it? Is this a British thing? Cause when I was that age, it was girls who were doing their thing and guys who were trying to land one. Why are these guys so disinterested? This is basically a date-rape drug that makes them consent.

So, I guess it’s just a date drug. But why are the GIRLS the ones interested? I think these girls are attracted because they smell the shit they like, but how about Ginny and Hermione looking at the love potions in the shop earlier? And then there’s one that gets used later, BY A GIRL. Cause if it was a guy drugging the girl…

Who knew Rowling’s use of consent potions would be more progressive than her actual views on women?

And this one –

Felix Felicis. Liquid luck.

He offers them some liquid luck to whoever can brew a good draught of “living death.”

Which is always nice – “This love potion is the most dangerous thing in the room. Now I want you all to make a potion that can kill us all.”

We really are back to normal.

Though he warns them – only once did someone brew a potion good enough to claim the prize.

Oh, Seamus is gonna blow some shit up. You know he is.

Writing that is predicated on people actually knowing that’s what you call yourself.

Colin:

Who would write that in there like that? The whole “property of” thing is so you can get it back if you lose it. Plus, having a stupid nickname for yourself is a surefire way to get made fun of. You don’t broadcast that shit. Potter and Black’ll find out and dangle you upside down.

Oh shit. We’ve got a potions wizard up in here.

♫ Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve brewed in silver cauls, From Pepperup down to Wolfsbane, I must have brewed them all… ♫

Colin:

This is like me in AP Lit with my Spark Notes. You never had to buy those because you could just go to the bookstore and check them for shit. They should have wrapped them in plastic. Any asshole knows you’re not going to sell a whole lot of books that are purposefully designed to be read in five minutes in lieu of reading a real book. You know how much gets read IN bookstores and never actually bought?

They put them online, too. I always just read my Spark Notes online. That’s even one step further from going to the store and reading it. I didn’t even go to the store.

Colin:

And they complain about losing content to online file sharing. Those people weren’t going to BUY your book anyway, they were just gonna read it in the store. The only cash you lost was on your in-store Starbucks.

Nice to know that even with magic, the bunsen burner still has a place.

Oh, it’s gonna happen. Dean even knows. He’s waiting for the moment to move out of the way. Either that or he’s wondering why he isn’t banging Ginny in the common room.

“How did you do that?”

“The instructions specifically say to cut.”

I LOVE this moment. It’s totally fucking with her. “But… that’s not what it says!”

Oh, Seamus…

Colin:

Whoever decided to make it a running gag to have shit blow up in Seamus’ face: you are the single best person to have worked on this franchise.

She just created Flubber.

How badly did you screw up this potion for your hair to get like that?

Time to test it.

“Merlin’s beard! It’s perfect! So perfect I dare say one drop would kill us all!”

Speaking of killing you all.

Reaction shots.

“Yeah, yeah… whatever, motherfucker.”

Also, maybe be a little more subtle with Lavender, guys.

For some reason I always remember this moment and the way Jim Broadbent says “Use it well.” It’s performative to the point of almost being condescending. It’s just one of those random lines that you just always remember because of the inflection.

Who’s the girl on the end?

This looks like one of those shots that’s about to become a Daily Prophet photo in a second.

Why are you hiding the book? You didn’t cheat, motherfucker. You just had a better recipe than everyone else.

“I could probably get my dick through there.”

You know he considered it at least once.

That’s not a very defensible position for that chair.

Is that a cock ring?

Oh, so you’re talking to him now?

“What about your activities outside the classroom?”

Well this just got weird.

Colin:

Usually when someone says, “activities outside the classroom,” they mean fucking. Oh. OH.

“I notice you spend a great deal of time with Miss Granger…”

Yeah, we all have.

“Oh no – no! I mean, she’s brilliant, and we’re friends – but no.”

This is weird as fuck. Dumbledore is taking a creepily big interest in Harry’s sex life in this movie and it’s weirding me the fuck out.

Him too.

Anyway, Harry must be wondering why Dumbledore summoned him here tonight.

(I’m gonna say that to all my booty calls. “You must be wondering why I summoned you here tonight…” That and Walken fingers. Instant panty dropper.)

Those are his Voldemort memories.

Uh huh… totally not a drug stash at all. Because that doesn’t look like the cabinet of a morphine addict at all.

Colin:

They look like vials of jizz. Which, what if that was how you got rid of memories?

Or what if Dumbledore was just a real douchebag prankster? “That wasn’t a memory, just stuck your face in a vat of jizz!”

That’s some straight horse, baby. Some good dynamite scag. Gotta chase that dragon, baby, before you can chase Voldie Boy.

“If you do not smoke this then we have a prob-lem.”

God, I love these articles.

Drip drip drip.

How do you refill the vial?

Yeah… man up, now!

Skyfall?

Damn, Harry, I didn’t know you liked to get wet.

What kind of garnish do you prefer on your martini?

CANTED ANGLE!

Oh, shit, canted movement now.

Is this a leftover Ministry of Magic set?

Colin:

What orphanage looks like this? This is like a Tim Burton orphanage.

Look at Dumbledore. What can you say about him that hasn’t already been said about Christopher Lowell?

Heil you doin’, Tom?

Clue.

Clue.

Clue.

It was Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with some bitches and cocaine.

Is this the Japanese cut? Why’s it all blurred out?

He actually does look like a gay priest, though.

Riddle says he can do things – make things move without touching them, make animals do what he wants without training them, make bad things happen to the people who are mean to him. (Just like Lana Turner.)

Dumbledore says he’s just like him – he’s “different.” (There’s the understatement of the century.) Riddle says prove it.

This is how wizards come out.

He will show you the life of the mind.

I love how the door just closes.

Colin:

At first, I thought it was badass that Dumbledore just lit up the wardrobe. Then, I thought, it was kind of a cheap parlor trick. But then they tied it into Tom’s stealing shit. That was great.

Oh, yeah, I didn’t mention that. Dumbledore tells him some shit like, “You can’t be stealing shit if you’re gonna come to Hogwarts.” Personally I’d be worried about the hurting people he doesn’t like thing. But maybe I’m just old-fashioned.

Colin:

Which reminds me, I could go for an old fashioned.

“Let’s get something to eat. I’m thirsty.”

Anyway, he gets him to come to Hogwarts. Because Dumbledore is the Obi-Wan of this movie. (And the Yoda too, apparently.)

People don’t talk about how good a recruiter Dumbledore was for Hogwarts. Anyone who follows college sports knows how invaluable a good recruiter is. This motherfucker went out and recruited two of the top five most famous wizards in history, with him being number three and number four being a guy he put in jail. He actually put in work for the school. That’s a very undervalued trait, being a good recruiter.

“I can speak to snakes, too.”

This is great. He asks if that’s normal too, and Dumbledore just walks away. Remember when you just were trying to make the kid not feel so much like an outcast three minutes ago?

“What, you can make animals do things and hurt mean people? That’s fine. That’s totally normal? …Snakes? Nah, son, that’s some fucked up shit. Snakes? Nuh uh, that ain’t normal. Get away from me, with your hassa hassa speaking ass.”

Colin:

As he says he can speak to snakes, Dumbledore stops. This is one of those moments where you think, “Oh, kill this child. Murder him right now. No good will come of this.” You can see it in Dumbledore’s face, too. Orphans should never be given powers. I cite X-Men.

“Orphans should never be given powers.” Subtitle.

Remember when the Pensieve was blue?

He’s judging him based on what he was wearing in that memory. You know he is.

Dumbledore says that while at Hogwarts, Tom Riddle grew close to one particular teacher.

Turns out… he didn’t bring Slughorn back for potions.

Which — why not? Apparently he was a great potions teacher before he retired. Then Snape took the job. I thought this was about getting the most qualified person for the job. You mean you’d hire someone for reasons other than their capability in teaching students? Apparently intelligence is the Dark Art that needs defending against. What is this, Middle America?

Slughorn possesses something Dumbledore “desires very dearly. And he will not give it up easily.”

Just gonna leave that one right there, on its own.

Slughorn wants to “collect” Harry.

“Do you want me to let him?”

“Yes.”

That was the sketchiest whisper answer ever. He’s practically touching himself.

Colin:

So he’s going to let Slughorn collect him. This just made me think, what if there were slutty Pokémon that just walk up to you, grab one of your empty Pokeballs and just jumped in?

Jynx. Don’t even pretend like we didn’t all have that thought.

If there was gonna be a Pokémon that did that, you know it would be Jynx.

Jynx is the Pokémon where, if you were gonna make a parody of it, they would be the prostitutes standing on the street corner. That’s not even racist, that’s just straight up what it would be.

Colin:

Which reminds me, I could go for an old fashioned.

Death Eaters try the security at Hogwarts – no dice.

Which is weird, since now it repels, but doesn’t kill. But in two movies, it will most definitely kill. I guess it makes sense, but still — with only visuals to go by, it’s weird that there isn’t continuity there.

Colin:

What is this, a Windex commercial? Hogwarts is protected, courtesy of Filiius Flitwick. Baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

Birds.

Malfoy.

At least the Room of Requirement lives up to its own billing.

(What’s with the unicorn?)

Oh, yeah, that’s the Room of Requirement in case the movie didn’t make it clear to anyone at all.

Remember when it looked like this last year? This looks like Hannibal Lecter’s storage container.

Ah yes, I too often require an iron maiden.

This is so Hollywood. It looks good, and they don’t explain why we needed to be seeing it at all.

Hey, they’ve added a waterfall here.

They have that many uniforms?

Wait, what? When did she join the team? When did she become co-captain? Is that really all that’s left on the team, him and her? How come they didn’t fuck earlier? Don’t they share a locker room? What happened to the last two seasons of Quidditch? When did Wood graduate? When did Katie Bell and Angelina Johnson graduate?

Oh, but I guess they lost two people when Fred and George dropped out. So they’re down two beaters automatically. Wood and Angelina Johnson were older – Wood was probably gone by Goblet and Angelina was probably gone last year. Katie Bell should still be there. Why isn’t Katie Bell there? Katie Bell should be there. This makes no sense.

What is he, a fullback from the 20s?

“Shut the fuck up!”

They resodded this field. This used to be synthetic.

Why is Ron standing front and center? Why would anyone else try out for the team with such blatant favoritism about to happen?

“Just because you made the team last year does not guarantee you a spot this year, is that clear?”

No. Why the fuck is Ginny automatically on the team? Why are you on the team? This seems like a completely arbitrary set of rules. Isn’t this why you’re supposed to have a coach? For personnel decisions? Why are Hogwarts Quidditch teams autonomous units? Does McGonagall just appoint the captain the de facto coach and give them all the power? In which case, why isn’t anyone crying foul over this system? This is blatant nepotism.

Awkward waves are always funny. Especially when done in wide shot.

Oh, this fuck is going out too. Cormac McLaggen is his name, in case it was never mentioned.

Also no mention that Ron was keeper on the team last year, huh? They just threw logic to the wind and said “Fuck it” with this one, didn’t they?

Ron says he seems more like a beater. Keepers need to be quick, agile.

Crane kick that fuck.

Tommy:

Get him a body bag, YEAH!

“Then I’m gonna fuck that mudblood in her cooter.”

Colin:

This guy has the type of smug, asshole-ish quality that only a British guy can have. Reminds me of Gustav Graves from Die Another Day.

One of my favorite things is reminding people about bad movies they wanted to forget. (Not that I hate Die Another Day, it’s just — some people have that thought when they hear about it of, “Why’d you have to remind me of that?”) Like, I love reminding Shiho about Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever.

(You’re welcome, Shiho.)

Colin:

Also — “Would mind getting on a first-name basis, know what I mean?”

Rowling, or whoever wrote this dialogue: “getting on a first-name basis” isn’t an innuendo, nor is it what one guy would say to the other in this context. I understand you can’t have him say something like, “I’d like to pork her silly,” but you can do better than, “first-name basis.” And for that matter, YOU called her Granger; there’s nothing stopping you from calling her Hermione, since most people do.

“I’d like to respectfully become acquainted with her enough to to call her by her Christian name without having to bow and socially call on her… if you know what I mean.”

Time for the showdown.

Luna is so baked right now.

Always with the broom dicks.

This face makes me think she knows he’s the type to assault somebody, and it freaks me out.

I know the shot is meant to be that she’s concerned about Ron, but there’s clearly an unease around Cormac, and I think we all implicitly know why that is.

Nice to see this stadium back, though.

She does have talent (and she does go on to play professionally), but I still think it’s messed up that she’s already on the team and Ron (who was there last year, whether the movie told us this or not) isn’t also on it automatically.

GPOY.

Ron’s circumsized.

Like a gazelle taking a shit.

Colin:

Notice how Ron’s not even moving for these blocks. It’s like playing tennis with someone who hits it to the same spot every time.

That would be an awesome way to do pull ups.

Harry Potter TV series idea: Broom pull-ups. (No joke, that one was invented right here, if you ever see that happen. Copyright me, 2013. Right the fuck now. That’s all mine.)

“Come on, Ron.”

WHAT THE FUCK? Someone please explain to me what’s going on right now.

I really like this shot, though. (They’re tempting me to forget about the horrendous storytelling with these shots.)

Also, this.

That’s right, Hermione. He’s a keeper.

Confundus.

Colin:

Way to cheat, Hermione. That’s the Gryffindor way.

Also notice — no wand, nothing like that. Just… mutters it and it works.

I guess the spell knew who it was directed against?

Oh, Hermione.

That would have been messed up if you didn’t have that reaction after it.

Colin:

Did she just cum? Ew. But that’s okay, she’ll be dead soon.

(We are in agreement of who this reminds us of in this moment, right?)

So apparently it was a shot for shot type deal? Just because he saved one more goal means he wins the job? This is a very weird and arbitrary system for figuring out who makes a team and who doesn’t. I don’t see how anyone watching that showcase would think Ron’s a better candidate than Cormac.

Also, aren’t there backups? How does that all work?

Ron’s feeling pretty good about himself right now.

Looks.

The Slugs and Bugs Club. A+

Bad positioning.

Harry asks if she’s ever heard of this spell – sectumsempra.

Pretty sure that’s some body modding shit people do.

Hermione says no, and if he had any shred of self-respect he’d turn that book in.

Hermione, if he had any shred of self-respect, he wouldn’t be with Ginny Weasley. (Colin’s got me doing it too, now.)

Hermione wants to know whose book that is. Harry doesn’t want to tell her.

Colin:

They talk about Harry reading this book constantly, but look at it. I’ve read books by Judy Blume that were longer than that. Getting back to my point about how Hogwarts is not formal education and how these kids all have a fourth-grade reading level.

It’s also funny to me how, given how small this universe is, and how few people we know who are this good at potions, that you can’t narrow this list down to two people by now. The book, if I remember correctly, strongly hints that it’s Voldemort’s book, before revealing it’s actually Snape’s, but honestly, given these movies… can’t we see where this is headed?

Yoink!

Hey, remember the last time a book was involved with the two of them? Maybe you shouldn’t get all possessive about it, Harry.

“Who’s the Half-Blood Prince? Is he prettier than me? He’s younger, isn’t he? But I bet he doesn’t do that thing with his legs, can he?”

“What? Can you teach me that?”

“I don’t know, Harry – should I?”

Colin:

Oh, bitch, I will never forgive you for this.

“…bitch.”

So what’s that all about? Harry doesn’t answer, she tosses him back the book, and Ginny smiles at Hermione? How are we supposed to interpret this? What is with the storytelling here, seriously?

THAT DRAWING HAS TWO DICKS!

It has its own tagline?

SNOW UTERUS!

Hermione says she was curious who the Half-Blood Prince was, so she—

“Went to the library.”

I love that they say it in stereo. That’s the ultimate, “We know you.”

Colin:

Welcome back to muggles being better than wizards. She went to the library and probably poured through several dozen tomes of wizard names and references and stuff. Maybe if she’s lucky, the book has an index. Guess what, honey? We got the medicine. It’s called Google. More magical than any shit you got.

Yeah, Filius Flitwick, baddest motherfucker at Hogwarts.

I heard he once spent the summer in a dragon’s cloaca just because someone thought he complained about the heat.

They overhear Slughorn asking Flitwick to go out drinking (which he passes on. Flitwick doesn’t have time for lightweights. When he was a lad, he drank four dozen kegs every morning. Now that he’s grown, he drinks five dozen kegs).

His actual excuse to Slughorn is “emergency choir practice.”

Colin:

Emergency choir practice? What’s her name, Flitwick? Oh, I mean, what’re THEIR names?

Why do you think they call it the Shrieking Shack?

I just had a mental image of Flitwick in that opening montage of Black Dynamite, where you see him thrusting up and down on three women at once. (Don’t you interrupt him during his Charm Fu!)

Harry decides that they should go drink too. (Like one needs a reason.)

What happened to Julie Christie?

Malfoy’s there, being mysterious and shit.

Dean shot first.

Ron’s not happy.

Look at all those dead deer on the wall.

An art director should’ve had plaques labeled as thestrals and just have them be empty.

Hermione’s like, “They’re only holding hands.”

“And snogging.”

“I’d like to leave. That’s my sister!”

“So what? What if she looked over here and saw you snoging me, would you expect her to get up and leave? Because we could totally try it, I’d definitely be down to try that if you are. I wouldn’t even mind at all we should try it.”

Simple Jack is back.

It takes a certain type of person to pull off that outfit.

Harry asks what brings him here.

“The alcohol, dear boy.”

He and the Three Broomsticks go way back. He can remember when it was just one broomstick.

Colin:

Butterbeer…is this booze? Were we ever clear on this? I’ve seen arguments on both sides, but never anything conclusive. We know that house elves get messed up on it, and in the books, there’s something about what Ron and Hermione might do under its influence. But I feel like if it has any alcohol in it, it’s a miniscule amount.

I’m gonna pretend that it’s just beer that they call butterbeer so the kids don’t want to start drinking actual alcohol. It’s probably more of a mead than anything. The shit sixteen year olds can drink.

“All hands on deck, Granger.”

I fucking love Jim Broadbent. I think the casting is weird as hell, but I love Jim Broadbent.

Hermione’s reaction here also makes me think him spilling might’ve just been an ad-lib or an accident.

He used to have the occasionally supper party (I could have sworn he said slumber the first time I saw this) for a few choice students back in the day. He asks if Harry’d like to come to one.

“You’d be welcome too, Granger.”

“Good to see you, Wallenby!”

Colin:

Finally, someone in the story who acknowledges Ron’s uselessness.

It’s funny because there are like 20 Weasleys he’s come across by now.

Hermione’s the only one drinking. Remember in the first movie when Ron says, “She needs to get her priorities in order?”

This girl.

“Dumbledore’s asked me to get to know him.”

Hooray, biblical phrases!

SHE’S ALREADY DONE WITH HER BEER.

Hermione Granger is the best character in this entire franchise.

Fucking right, she did.

This is great, though. Ron’s like, “You got a little something…” and Harry just sort of motions.

Not gonna do it. Because you know what? She finished that beer like a champion. That is NOT jizz on her lip, that’s beer foam. Or… cocaine…

Colin:

I like sweaters.

Why is she so upset at that? Was she like, “Look, I chugged this beer, now let’s make out and one-up your sister?” Was that the end-game here?

Harry Potter TV series idea: Hermione Granger pulling a Marion Ravenwood.

If you don’t know what that means, get the fuck out right now.

Colin:

Also, she just wipes her mouth on her sleeve, cause the house elves are gonna be doing the laundry anyway. They got that Calgon.

I don’t know if I asked this in Chamber of Secrets or not, but I’ve been meaning to bring this one up — can house elves do the laundry? Since I feel like that’s treading dangerously close to freeing them. If you give a house elf laundry to do, doesn’t that technically count as giving them their freedom? This is a weird little gap in things — is there the understanding that if they give them laundry that they’re not freeing them? Or can house elves just not do the laundry? In which case, who does do the laundry?

That’s also kind of fucked up, that the only way they can be free is if they’re given clothes, and they’re forced to take people’s clothes and wash them, knowing they’re inches away from freedom. Man, that’s some mean ass shit to do to an elf.

Colin:

I brought this up in Chamber of Secrets, too. About how the Malfoys must have had a girl come in to do just laundry, since they couldn’t have Dobby do it. 

“Growing up a student of a huge magic school in England puts a wizard into contact with a whole lot of elf faces. I’ve spent my whole life here — right here — at Hogwarts…surrounded by elf faces. Seeing them every day, day in, day out, I only had one question. Why don’t they kill us?”

Dobby Unchained. Do it.

Hermione’s drunk as shit.

“You wanna make Ron jealous?”

“Let’s go fuck on the sky bridge.”

Oh, but this is actual terrific drunk behavior.

This film handles drunk better than most films. (Ever notice how badly people play drunk in movies? This movie actually is pretty good about it. It’s not perfect, but they don’t go crazy over the top with it, and I respect that a lot.)

Colin:

Oh, she’s WASTED. Get back to the dorm, get some Marvin Gaye on. Don’t worry about whoever just screamed.

I feel like most of being a student at Hogwarts involves “don’t worry about whoever just screamed.”

This is how horror movies start.

Not even a little bit surprised.

This seems like a fun ride.

Yeah, I’d have that reaction, too.

This is the point where your chest bursts into light and flowers fly out of you.

This is the easiest game of charades ever.

The power of vodka compels you.

Colin:

Who watched this girl and didn’t immediately think of this?

“I wonder if I could finish before she falls…”

FATALITY!

“Guess not.”

That was a sickening thud, though. Good job with that one.

Why does Hagrid appear out of nowhere?

Fargo.

That’s Katie Bell, by the way. No reason why she wasn’t on the Quidditch team earlier.

Also, remember when Cho Chang completely disappeared off the face of the earth after the fifth movie?

He does this a lot, doesn’t he?

So, do they end up pawning that necklace, or…?

Maggie’s going all bad cop on her.

“I don’t know nothin’, I tells ya. And if I did know somethin’, I still wouldn’t tell you, copper.”

Great shot.

Does this mean six more weeks or winter?

“Why is it, when something happens, it is always you three?”

Colin:

I like that Maggie Smith asks this question. Why is it always them? It’s like how mysteries always pop up around Scooby Doo and that gang. How many mysteries have I encountered in my whole life? Just one (I know this dumb girl and can’t figure out how she’s still alive).

The other thing that bothers me is how people’s names always match external factors about them. Like how Remus Lupin wasn’t born a werewolf, but was born with first and last names both referencing wolves. Just once, I want someone whose name is like, Avianne Razorbeak, and she turns into a hamster.

“Believe me, Professor, I’ve been asking myself the same question for six years.”

But actually. That’s the smartest thing I’ve heard all film.

Oh yeah.

The necklace is bewitched. Katie was cursed. She was bringing it to Dumbledore.

Why? Does everyone know Dumbledore likes his necklaces? Why the fuck would you be bringing him a necklace like that?

Now, of course what actually happened, per the books, is that Draco Imperius’d Madame Rosmerta, who he then had Imperius Katie Bell to bring the necklace to Dumbledore. Which, while simplistic, is kinda smart in that it brings about the idea of Manchurian Candidates in this world. If you chain Imperius enough people, no one would ever know where it started.

Also, Harry says she wouldn’t hurt anyone outside of Quidditch. Which means she’s on the fucking team! Where the fuck was she before, then?

Harry says it was Malfoy.

“That is a very serious accusation, Potter.”

And yet, I feel like I can think of at least two other occasions in which he made it.

I also like how this reaction comes across like a teacher but is also part ‘how the fuck do you know what’s really going on’?

Snape asks what kind of proof he has.

“I just know.”

Colin:

Even me, knowing that Malfoy’s up to some skeevy shit…that’s not an acceptable excuse for accusing him. You just know? How about this – I just know you wear ladies’ underwear.

“You just – know. Once again you astonish me with your gifts, Potter. Gifts mere mortals can only dream of possessing. How grand it must be to be the Chosen One.”

Colin:

I enjoy seeing Snape act like this around older professors like McGonagall and Flitwick, cause they taught him back in the day. I could never act like an authority figure around my old teachers, cause they’d be looking at me like, “Remember all those times you skipped class and turned in work late?”

Even Maggie’s like, “What are you going on about?”

And yet, though – he’s not wrong.

This is where we’ll END PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and the prime of Ronald Weasley.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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